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1
00:00:01,701 --> 00:00:04,536
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,571 --> 00:00:07,506
I got something to add
to the conversation.
3
00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:09,008
If a 100-megaton warhead
4
00:00:09,042 --> 00:00:10,509
detonated over the city
of Boston,
5
00:00:10,543 --> 00:00:11,844
the results
6
00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:12,978
would be so horrific
7
00:00:13,013 --> 00:00:15,280
that the survivors
would envy the dead.
8
00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:21,153
We weren't having
a conversation, Cliff.
9
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,557
Well! Then food for thought.
10
00:00:25,625 --> 00:00:27,092
(theme song begins)
11
00:00:31,297 --> 00:00:33,565
# Making your way
in the world today #
12
00:00:33,600 --> 00:00:36,802
# Takes everything you've got #
13
00:00:36,836 --> 00:00:39,471
# Taking a break
from all your worries #
14
00:00:39,506 --> 00:00:42,941
# Sure would help a lot #
15
00:00:42,976 --> 00:00:46,812
# Wouldn't you like
to get away? #
16
00:00:47,914 --> 00:00:50,849
# Sometimes you want to go #
17
00:00:50,884 --> 00:00:54,853
# Where everybody
knows your name #
18
00:00:56,156 --> 00:01:00,793
# And they're always
glad you came #
19
00:01:00,827 --> 00:01:03,062
# You wanna be
where you can see #
20
00:01:03,096 --> 00:01:05,631
# Our troubles
are all the same #
21
00:01:05,665 --> 00:01:09,902
# You wanna be where
everybody knows your name #
22
00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:13,872
# You wanna go
where people know #
23
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:16,342
# People are all the same #
24
00:01:16,376 --> 00:01:20,846
# You wanna go where
everybody knows your name. #
25
00:01:39,699 --> 00:01:40,966
Hi, guys.
26
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,334
Hey, there he is!
All right,
27
00:01:42,435 --> 00:01:43,669
a star is born!
The man of the hour.
28
00:01:43,703 --> 00:01:45,137
Oh, Woody!
29
00:01:45,171 --> 00:01:47,439
Woody, you opened last night
in Arsenic and Old Lace.
30
00:01:47,474 --> 00:01:49,608
Why didn't you tell me
so I could go?
31
00:01:49,642 --> 00:01:51,610
I did tell you, Miss Howe.
32
00:01:51,644 --> 00:01:53,512
I told you dozens
of times and I
33
00:01:53,580 --> 00:01:55,247
sent you an invitation
with a cute,
34
00:01:55,281 --> 00:01:56,782
little cartoon
of me drawn on it.
35
00:01:56,816 --> 00:01:58,417
You said you were
going to be there
36
00:01:58,451 --> 00:02:00,352
and I reserved a seat
for you in the front row.
37
00:02:00,420 --> 00:02:03,155
Oh!
38
00:02:03,189 --> 00:02:05,858
Then I was sick.
39
00:02:07,527 --> 00:02:09,194
Oh, I'm sorry.
Are you feeling better?
40
00:02:09,262 --> 00:02:11,630
Hmm, so-so.
41
00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,467
Well, it's probably best
you didn't come last night.
42
00:02:15,502 --> 00:02:16,869
I've still got
to iron out a few bugs.
43
00:02:17,003 --> 00:02:18,037
CLIFF:
Well, all I can
44
00:02:18,071 --> 00:02:19,872
tell you, Woody,
is that Ma loved the play.
45
00:02:19,906 --> 00:02:21,507
Yeah, I mean, there's
something about the idea
46
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,776
of sweet old ladies being
cold-blooded murderesses.
47
00:02:23,810 --> 00:02:26,245
Just seemed to tickle her
funny bone.
48
00:02:26,279 --> 00:02:27,446
(laughs)
49
00:02:27,480 --> 00:02:29,848
All the way home
she just laughed and laughed.
50
00:02:29,883 --> 00:02:32,518
Matter of fact,
I woke up at 3:00 a.m.,
51
00:02:32,585 --> 00:02:35,387
and there she was sitting in my
room in a rocking chair
52
00:02:35,422 --> 00:02:37,656
rocking back and forth,
staring at me
53
00:02:37,691 --> 00:02:41,126
and making this low,
guttural chuckle.
54
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:43,095
Boy, does she love the theater.
55
00:02:44,764 --> 00:02:46,331
Hi, guys.
56
00:02:46,366 --> 00:02:48,167
Carla, your
psychic called.
57
00:02:48,201 --> 00:02:51,003
Madame Lazora called me?
58
00:02:51,037 --> 00:02:52,838
Yeah, she's coming by today.
59
00:02:52,872 --> 00:02:55,874
Madame Lazora is coming by?
60
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:58,677
Maybe she just wants
to say hello.
61
00:02:58,712 --> 00:03:00,479
Oh, no, no, no, no.
62
00:03:00,513 --> 00:03:01,580
You don't understand.
63
00:03:01,614 --> 00:03:04,483
Madame Lazora does not
just say hello.
64
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:07,353
She must have had a horrible
premonition of me getting
65
00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:09,488
hurt or killed or...
66
00:03:09,522 --> 00:03:11,056
or pregnant.
Hmm.
67
00:03:12,525 --> 00:03:14,493
Look, Carla, if you're
really concerned what this
68
00:03:14,527 --> 00:03:16,829
charlatan has to say,
why don't you just call her?
69
00:03:16,863 --> 00:03:18,097
Yeah, you're right, Doc.
70
00:03:18,131 --> 00:03:19,965
I might as well just
get it over with.
71
00:03:21,534 --> 00:03:22,601
Wait a minute.
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00:03:22,669 --> 00:03:24,370
What if she was calling me
73
00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:27,339
to warn me to keep away
from telephones?
74
00:03:27,374 --> 00:03:29,274
What if she's seen
a vision of me
75
00:03:29,309 --> 00:03:31,877
horribly disfigured
in a telephone accident?
76
00:03:33,146 --> 00:03:34,813
Carla, don't
be ridiculous.
77
00:03:41,221 --> 00:03:42,488
Woody, you okay?
78
00:03:42,522 --> 00:03:44,790
Oh, I don't know,
Mr. Peterson.
79
00:03:44,858 --> 00:03:45,858
Uh, this is bad.
80
00:03:45,892 --> 00:03:47,192
I can't breathe.
81
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:48,761
I can't move.
82
00:03:48,795 --> 00:03:50,696
Hey, Woody, your review is out.
83
00:03:50,764 --> 00:03:51,797
It is?!
84
00:03:51,831 --> 00:03:53,799
Oh, boy! Oh, boy!
85
00:03:53,833 --> 00:03:55,334
I can't wait to read it!
86
00:03:55,368 --> 00:03:57,636
I'm gonna make copies
and send them to my mom!
87
00:03:59,205 --> 00:04:01,206
Oh, here, here.
Here you read it, Mr. Peterson.
88
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:02,841
I'm too nervous.
89
00:04:05,512 --> 00:04:07,146
Well, he likes it!
90
00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,580
Hey!
"A charming romp."
91
00:04:08,682 --> 00:04:10,315
"A charming
romp"!
92
00:04:10,350 --> 00:04:12,217
He likes the cast.
"A deft ensemble."
93
00:04:12,252 --> 00:04:14,053
Ooh, good!
"Deft ensemble."
94
00:04:14,087 --> 00:04:15,587
Uh, what does
he say about me?
95
00:04:15,622 --> 00:04:17,589
And he sort
of goes on and on.
96
00:04:19,025 --> 00:04:20,993
No, no, go ahead, read it.
I can take it.
97
00:04:24,464 --> 00:04:26,899
"Woody Boyd is weak."
98
00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:32,471
"Weak"? Is that all?
99
00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:34,440
Not handsome and weak?
100
00:04:37,043 --> 00:04:39,011
Well, Woody, you know
what they say,
101
00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:41,046
"There's no such thing
as bad press
102
00:04:41,081 --> 00:04:42,748
as long as they spell
your name right."
103
00:04:42,782 --> 00:04:46,885
Actually, it says
"Woody Doyb is weak."
104
00:04:52,425 --> 00:04:54,293
Oh, Madame Lazora.
105
00:04:54,327 --> 00:04:56,462
I sense the tortured anguish
106
00:04:56,496 --> 00:04:59,465
of many lost souls
screaming for release.
107
00:04:59,499 --> 00:05:00,466
Uh, that's probably me.
108
00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,801
I had kielbasa
for breakfast.
109
00:05:05,138 --> 00:05:06,538
Madame Lazora,
let me go
110
00:05:06,606 --> 00:05:08,374
get Carla; she's gonna want to
see you right away.
111
00:05:08,408 --> 00:05:09,541
She's been kind of worried.
112
00:05:09,576 --> 00:05:11,510
I sensed she would be worried.
113
00:05:11,544 --> 00:05:13,145
How did she know?
114
00:05:13,179 --> 00:05:14,146
Amazing.
115
00:05:14,180 --> 00:05:15,314
(burps)
116
00:05:15,348 --> 00:05:17,149
Oh, Carla.
117
00:05:17,183 --> 00:05:18,951
Darling, I must talk to you.
118
00:05:18,985 --> 00:05:19,985
Please sit down.
119
00:05:20,020 --> 00:05:21,086
Sam, just stay with me.
120
00:05:21,121 --> 00:05:22,321
I'm really scared.
All right. Okay.
121
00:05:22,355 --> 00:05:23,555
All right, here we go.
122
00:05:23,590 --> 00:05:25,791
Just tell me it's going
to be quick and painless.
123
00:05:25,825 --> 00:05:27,393
I don't understand.
124
00:05:27,427 --> 00:05:30,195
You don't foresee a hideous
disaster in my future?
125
00:05:30,263 --> 00:05:32,998
Of course I do, but
that's not why I'm here.
126
00:05:34,300 --> 00:05:36,335
Oh, then why?
127
00:05:36,369 --> 00:05:38,137
I have decided to retire
128
00:05:38,171 --> 00:05:40,239
and move to Florida
at the end of the year.
129
00:05:40,273 --> 00:05:43,008
I see myself
on Miami Beach
130
00:05:43,043 --> 00:05:45,844
with those muscular
cabana boys.
131
00:05:45,879 --> 00:05:48,247
See? I told you there's
nothing to worry about.
132
00:05:48,281 --> 00:05:50,449
"Nothing to worry about"?
133
00:05:50,483 --> 00:05:52,084
Madame Lazora has been
134
00:05:52,118 --> 00:05:54,687
my spiritual advisor
since I was 17 years old.
135
00:05:54,721 --> 00:05:56,789
Without her my life would've
been a complete disaster.
136
00:05:56,823 --> 00:05:57,956
Honey, I thought your...
137
00:05:57,991 --> 00:05:59,558
Well, it could
have been worse.
138
00:06:00,960 --> 00:06:02,728
Sam, you're
smothering me here.
139
00:06:02,762 --> 00:06:04,196
Get the lady a drink.
You...
140
00:06:04,230 --> 00:06:06,298
I'd like a beer, please.
141
00:06:06,332 --> 00:06:08,267
Oh, wow, she read my mind.
142
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,572
Madame Lazora,
143
00:06:13,606 --> 00:06:15,741
if you retire,
what am I supposed to do?
144
00:06:15,775 --> 00:06:17,109
Who am I going to turn to?
145
00:06:17,143 --> 00:06:18,777
Who are all your clients
going to turn to?
146
00:06:18,812 --> 00:06:19,978
You.
147
00:06:20,080 --> 00:06:22,448
And why me?
148
00:06:22,515 --> 00:06:25,784
Because Princess Katya
said it would be so.
149
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:27,720
Princess Katya said that?
150
00:06:27,787 --> 00:06:28,954
(gasps)
151
00:06:29,055 --> 00:06:31,090
Sam, did you hear that?
152
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:34,326
Princess Katya has
chosen me to take over
153
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:35,928
for Madame Lazora.
Ah.
154
00:06:35,962 --> 00:06:37,129
Well, who's Princess Katya?
155
00:06:37,330 --> 00:06:38,764
She's Madame Lazora's
156
00:06:38,865 --> 00:06:39,965
spirit guide.
157
00:06:40,000 --> 00:06:41,633
Her contact
from the other side.
158
00:06:41,701 --> 00:06:46,271
Katya, she was a 17th-century
Romanian princess,
159
00:06:46,306 --> 00:06:48,640
very much misunderstood
in her day.
160
00:06:48,708 --> 00:06:52,277
The villagers hammered a mask
lined with spikes
161
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:54,346
onto her face and burned her
at the stake.
162
00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:57,916
And to this day, that woman
still keeps her sense of humor.
163
00:06:59,552 --> 00:07:01,086
Well, you, you've got
to admire that,
164
00:07:01,121 --> 00:07:02,154
don't you?
165
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,658
Princess Katya thinks
I have spiritual gifts?
166
00:07:06,726 --> 00:07:07,793
She knows.
167
00:07:07,894 --> 00:07:09,495
And tonight,
168
00:07:09,562 --> 00:07:12,531
when I return,
all the secrets
169
00:07:12,565 --> 00:07:14,500
of the spirit world
will be revealed to you.
170
00:07:14,534 --> 00:07:16,035
Well, why can't
we start right now?
171
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,103
I have to get
my teeth cleaned.
172
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:20,673
We all have many lives,
but only one set of teeth.
173
00:07:24,377 --> 00:07:26,945
Whoa! I'm gonna be a psychic!
174
00:07:26,980 --> 00:07:28,747
Who could have predicted that?
175
00:07:31,251 --> 00:07:33,652
(Carla sighs)
176
00:07:33,687 --> 00:07:35,454
I guess I better start
practicing.
177
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:37,923
Sam, I'm going
to read your mind.
178
00:07:37,957 --> 00:07:39,925
Okay? Think of something.
Right now?
179
00:07:39,959 --> 00:07:41,460
Yeah.
Okay.
180
00:07:41,494 --> 00:07:43,028
CARLA:
Okay.
181
00:07:44,364 --> 00:07:45,964
You're thinking
about your car.
Nope.
182
00:07:48,034 --> 00:07:49,468
You're thinking
about some babe.
183
00:07:49,502 --> 00:07:50,769
Nope.
Oh, wait a minute.
184
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:52,271
Give me a minute.
I can do this.
185
00:07:52,305 --> 00:07:53,706
Just give me a chance.
186
00:07:53,740 --> 00:07:55,007
(sighs)
187
00:07:55,041 --> 00:07:56,375
You're thinking
about your hair.
188
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:57,976
Nope.
189
00:07:58,011 --> 00:07:59,278
Come on, Sam,
that's everything
190
00:07:59,312 --> 00:08:00,612
you ever think about!
191
00:08:02,315 --> 00:08:03,682
That's not true.
I think about other things.
192
00:08:03,817 --> 00:08:05,084
Yeah? Like what?
193
00:08:05,118 --> 00:08:06,251
Well, I was thinking
about what happened
194
00:08:06,286 --> 00:08:07,653
at the end
of Planet of the Apes.
195
00:08:07,687 --> 00:08:09,488
I fell asleep.
196
00:08:09,522 --> 00:08:11,990
Uh, uh, Sammie,
Chuck Heston
197
00:08:12,025 --> 00:08:14,560
found the decayed ruins
of the Statue of Liberty.
198
00:08:14,627 --> 00:08:16,662
What are you saying?
199
00:08:16,696 --> 00:08:19,365
You're saying he was
on Planet Earth the whole time?
200
00:08:19,399 --> 00:08:20,332
Whoa!
201
00:08:23,503 --> 00:08:25,571
Man, I wasn't even close.
202
00:08:25,605 --> 00:08:27,072
I guess I'm just
fooling myself.
203
00:08:27,107 --> 00:08:30,042
What a prize dork,
thinking I had the power.
204
00:08:30,076 --> 00:08:31,110
Oh, come on,
just 'cause you
205
00:08:31,144 --> 00:08:32,378
didn't get it
the first time?
206
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:33,645
Come on, let's do it again.
What's the use?
207
00:08:33,680 --> 00:08:35,481
Come on, I wasn't
concentrating.
208
00:08:35,515 --> 00:08:36,715
We both weren't concentrating.
209
00:08:36,750 --> 00:08:38,150
Now, let's-- come on,
let's do it.
210
00:08:38,184 --> 00:08:40,386
Okay. I'm going
to do it one more time.
211
00:08:41,554 --> 00:08:43,288
Just... you've got
to just relax though,
212
00:08:43,323 --> 00:08:44,423
Sam, okay?
213
00:08:44,457 --> 00:08:45,591
All right, mmm.
214
00:08:45,658 --> 00:08:47,993
I see something.
215
00:08:48,028 --> 00:08:49,828
It's you.
216
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,330
And you're young.
217
00:08:51,364 --> 00:08:53,265
And, uh, it's summer.
218
00:08:53,299 --> 00:08:55,601
And there's an animal, a pet.
219
00:08:55,669 --> 00:08:57,236
You had a pet,
didn't you, Sam?
220
00:08:57,303 --> 00:08:58,604
Yeah, yeah, I did.
221
00:08:58,705 --> 00:09:00,873
And you loved him very much.
222
00:09:00,907 --> 00:09:02,007
Yeah, I did love him.
223
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:05,010
Suddenly this is
all so clear!
224
00:09:06,980 --> 00:09:09,782
Frasier, I see you,
225
00:09:09,816 --> 00:09:11,316
as a young boy,
226
00:09:11,351 --> 00:09:14,219
reading all those books
and not having any friends.
227
00:09:19,993 --> 00:09:22,795
Norm, I see you,
228
00:09:22,829 --> 00:09:25,664
having lots of friends
and not reading any books.
229
00:09:28,501 --> 00:09:31,136
And, Cliff, I see you.
230
00:09:31,171 --> 00:09:32,571
(shudders)
231
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:38,210
Sam. Sam, there's more.
Yeah?
232
00:09:39,946 --> 00:09:41,647
That pet...
233
00:09:41,681 --> 00:09:44,883
It's a Labrador
named Sparkey!
234
00:09:44,918 --> 00:09:46,952
And he's running to a woman.
235
00:09:46,986 --> 00:09:48,487
It's your mother!
236
00:09:48,521 --> 00:09:50,089
Her black hair is waving
237
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:51,457
in the wind!
Oh, my God!
238
00:09:51,591 --> 00:09:53,325
This is so incredible!
Huh?!
239
00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:54,927
Madame Lazora was right!
240
00:09:54,961 --> 00:09:56,228
I am gifted!
241
00:09:56,262 --> 00:09:57,529
I am a seer!
242
00:09:58,698 --> 00:10:00,499
Marry that girl.
243
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:04,269
Quit that job!
244
00:10:04,304 --> 00:10:06,939
I have the power!
245
00:10:11,077 --> 00:10:12,978
How do you explain
that, Dr. Crane?
246
00:10:13,046 --> 00:10:15,581
Why ask me, Woody? I mean...
247
00:10:15,615 --> 00:10:17,483
Do I know something
that no one else knows?
248
00:10:17,517 --> 00:10:19,485
I mean, we all saw
what we saw.
249
00:10:21,221 --> 00:10:23,288
I mean, do you enjoy
having me explain
250
00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:24,757
every little thing
that happens?
251
00:10:24,791 --> 00:10:26,658
You know, I mean,
252
00:10:26,693 --> 00:10:28,394
"Let's ask the
esteemed Dr. Crane.
253
00:10:28,428 --> 00:10:29,461
Yeah, see, he'll know."
254
00:10:29,496 --> 00:10:30,729
Well, I'm sorry, Woody.
255
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:32,031
I have no answer for you!
256
00:10:32,098 --> 00:10:35,267
Frankly, I'm,
I'm downright scared.
257
00:10:35,301 --> 00:10:37,936
To tell the truth, I got,
I got a little creeped out
258
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:39,471
when she got that dog's name.
259
00:10:39,506 --> 00:10:41,306
Frasier, Frasier...
260
00:10:41,341 --> 00:10:42,775
Calm down, man,
I, I lied.
261
00:10:42,809 --> 00:10:44,443
I just didn't want
to hurt her feelings.
262
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:45,811
I knew that.
263
00:10:47,514 --> 00:10:49,248
Sam, can I have
a, a scotch?
264
00:10:59,926 --> 00:11:00,926
Oh, excuse me.
265
00:11:01,027 --> 00:11:02,728
I'm-I'm looking
for Woody Boyd.
266
00:11:02,796 --> 00:11:03,662
Oh, no!
267
00:11:03,697 --> 00:11:04,863
What is it?
268
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,766
It's my director,
Lee Bradken.
269
00:11:07,834 --> 00:11:09,068
Uh, is Woody Boyd here?
270
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,769
WOODY (quietly):
Tell him I'm not here.
271
00:11:10,804 --> 00:11:12,771
I'm sorry, Mr.
Bradken, he's not here.
272
00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:15,007
How did you know
my name was Bradken?
273
00:11:15,041 --> 00:11:16,775
WOODY:
Tell him it was a lucky guess.
274
00:11:16,810 --> 00:11:17,943
Lucky guess.
275
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,145
Who's that person
276
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,915
crouching by the side
of your leg?
277
00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:26,051
WOODY:
Okay, give me a minute
on this one.
278
00:11:29,622 --> 00:11:31,290
Woody, what do you mean
279
00:11:31,324 --> 00:11:33,525
by saying you're not going
to do the show tonight?
280
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:34,793
Okay, I'm sorry,
Mr. Bradken.
281
00:11:34,828 --> 00:11:36,228
You're too smart for me.
282
00:11:36,262 --> 00:11:38,864
Not that my partner
gave me a lot of help.
283
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:44,603
It's just, I read that
scathing review, and I...
284
00:11:44,637 --> 00:11:46,972
I just don't think I
can face an audience.
285
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,608
I'm not saying your performance
was weak, Woody,
286
00:11:49,642 --> 00:11:52,111
but if it was-- and it was--
287
00:11:52,145 --> 00:11:54,813
then maybe,
that's because, as an actor,
288
00:11:54,848 --> 00:11:58,050
you're afraid to examine
your-your own feelings.
289
00:11:58,084 --> 00:12:00,452
Here, I want you
to do an exercise.
290
00:12:00,487 --> 00:12:03,088
Write down
your true feelings
291
00:12:03,123 --> 00:12:05,824
as they come
to you, okay?
292
00:12:05,859 --> 00:12:09,895
Now, how do you feel
right now?
293
00:12:09,929 --> 00:12:11,930
I feel weak.
294
00:12:13,366 --> 00:12:16,301
Not what other people
tell you to feel.
295
00:12:16,336 --> 00:12:17,936
Do you really feel weak?
296
00:12:17,971 --> 00:12:20,773
I feel strong.
297
00:12:20,807 --> 00:12:23,142
Darned right you do.
298
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:25,210
And how do you feel
about that critic?
299
00:12:25,245 --> 00:12:26,478
Am angry.
300
00:12:26,546 --> 00:12:28,647
So? How are you gonna get even?
301
00:12:28,682 --> 00:12:30,949
TP his house.
302
00:12:34,120 --> 00:12:35,521
No.
303
00:12:35,555 --> 00:12:37,756
By giving the best performance
you can give.
304
00:12:37,791 --> 00:12:40,359
Look, I talked the critic
into coming back tonight, Woody.
305
00:12:40,393 --> 00:12:41,927
If you can change his mind,
306
00:12:41,961 --> 00:12:43,495
he'll say so
in tomorrow's column.
307
00:12:43,563 --> 00:12:46,999
Now, Woody, how do you feel
about going on tonight?
308
00:12:47,033 --> 00:12:49,101
Feel great!
309
00:12:49,135 --> 00:12:51,236
And how do you feel
about your fellow actors?
310
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,138
Am better than
other actors.
311
00:12:54,774 --> 00:12:56,508
Well, Woody...
312
00:12:56,543 --> 00:12:57,976
Can direct better
than Bradken.
313
00:12:58,011 --> 00:13:00,145
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey!
314
00:13:00,180 --> 00:13:02,114
You've still got
a long way to go.
315
00:13:02,148 --> 00:13:03,816
I'll see you tonight.
316
00:13:06,286 --> 00:13:09,755
"Is jealous of my youth
and good looks."
317
00:13:14,427 --> 00:13:16,328
Guys, it's gonna be so cool
318
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:18,530
being a spiritualist.
319
00:13:18,565 --> 00:13:20,866
REBECCA:
Oh.
320
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:22,067
Poor Carla.
321
00:13:22,102 --> 00:13:23,469
It's gonna break her heart
322
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:25,838
when she sees
that she can't read the future.
323
00:13:25,872 --> 00:13:27,840
Well, she must be
able to, Miss Howe.
324
00:13:27,874 --> 00:13:30,342
She filled out her time
card for the whole week.
325
00:13:30,377 --> 00:13:35,080
She's gonna work 80 hours
between now and Friday!
326
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,116
That is eerie!
327
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,820
Are you ready to receive
the spirit of Princess Katya?
328
00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,422
You bet I am.
329
00:13:43,456 --> 00:13:46,258
I can't wait to quit
this penny-ante job
330
00:13:46,292 --> 00:13:48,160
and start doing something
I'm more suited for.
331
00:13:48,194 --> 00:13:49,862
Excellent. Now,
all we need
332
00:13:49,896 --> 00:13:52,731
is a nice, quiet, dark place
where we won't be disturbed.
333
00:13:52,766 --> 00:13:54,366
No problem. I'll clear
out the poolroom.
334
00:13:54,401 --> 00:13:55,901
Good.
335
00:13:55,935 --> 00:13:58,704
Hey, isn't that Michelle
Pfeiffer out front?!
336
00:13:58,738 --> 00:14:00,506
(overlapping chatter)
337
00:14:01,875 --> 00:14:04,076
And who's she with,
Kevin Costner?!
338
00:14:04,110 --> 00:14:05,744
Where?!
339
00:14:05,779 --> 00:14:07,713
Where?!
340
00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:12,718
Hey, Sammy?
341
00:14:14,187 --> 00:14:15,220
Catch you later.
342
00:14:15,255 --> 00:14:16,522
When you see
me again,
343
00:14:16,556 --> 00:14:17,923
I'm gonna be
on a higher astral plane.
344
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:19,024
Yeah, wait.
345
00:14:19,059 --> 00:14:20,926
Come... Wait.
Hold on a second here.
346
00:14:20,960 --> 00:14:23,095
You're not... You're not serious
about quitting Cheers, are you?
347
00:14:23,129 --> 00:14:25,464
Because if you are...
No, you don't
have to tell me.
348
00:14:25,498 --> 00:14:27,132
I can read
your mind.
349
00:14:27,167 --> 00:14:29,735
You're afraid that
we're gonna grow apart,
350
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:31,570
and we're not gonna
be friends anymore,
351
00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:33,305
because I'll
be a psychic,
352
00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:35,040
and you'll be a
lowly bartender.
353
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:37,476
Honey, you remember when
you-you were reading my mind?
354
00:14:37,510 --> 00:14:40,612
Well you-you didn't get
as much right as you thought.
355
00:14:40,647 --> 00:14:42,581
Oh, yeah? What
did I get wrong?
356
00:14:42,615 --> 00:14:44,850
Everything.
357
00:14:44,884 --> 00:14:47,586
But everything
was so clear!
358
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:50,456
Well, okay, maybe I
didn't read your mind,
359
00:14:50,523 --> 00:14:52,391
but I was definitely
reading somebody's mind,
360
00:14:52,425 --> 00:14:54,560
because those images
were as clear as day.
361
00:14:54,594 --> 00:14:55,961
Come on, Carla.
362
00:14:56,096 --> 00:14:58,163
Okay. All right.
363
00:14:58,198 --> 00:15:00,566
Who here had a mother
with black hair
364
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:03,002
and a Labrador retriever?
365
00:15:05,505 --> 00:15:06,739
Come on!
366
00:15:06,773 --> 00:15:08,807
I can't be the only one!
367
00:15:08,842 --> 00:15:10,776
Oh!
368
00:15:15,548 --> 00:15:16,982
(sing-songy):
Carla!
369
00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:19,151
Princess Katya
and I are waiting.
370
00:15:19,185 --> 00:15:21,587
Madame Lazora,
I-I can't do this.
371
00:15:21,621 --> 00:15:25,257
I'm sorry, but I am just not
cut out for this kind of stuff.
372
00:15:25,291 --> 00:15:26,425
Are you telling me
373
00:15:26,459 --> 00:15:28,260
that Princess Katya
and I are wrong?!
374
00:15:28,294 --> 00:15:29,528
I'm telling you that
375
00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:31,497
I don't have any
psychic powers.
376
00:15:31,531 --> 00:15:33,365
I mean, I tried!
377
00:15:33,433 --> 00:15:35,501
Problem is, you have no faith,
378
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:38,303
and without faith,
you are not worthy
379
00:15:38,338 --> 00:15:40,272
to house the spirit
of Princess Katya.
380
00:15:40,306 --> 00:15:43,709
I had such high hopes
for you,
381
00:15:43,743 --> 00:15:46,245
but now you're nothing
but an empty disappointment.
382
00:15:46,279 --> 00:15:47,646
Farewell forever, Carla!
383
00:15:47,681 --> 00:15:51,483
(in deep voice):
Lazora, halt!
384
00:15:51,518 --> 00:15:53,519
I am Princess
385
00:15:53,553 --> 00:15:55,054
Katya.
386
00:15:55,088 --> 00:15:58,390
I am inside Carla.
387
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:02,227
(normal voice):
Oh!
388
00:16:02,262 --> 00:16:03,796
What happened?
389
00:16:03,830 --> 00:16:06,198
Carla, you had faith,
and it happened!
390
00:16:06,232 --> 00:16:07,966
It did?!
391
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:09,368
I did it!
392
00:16:09,436 --> 00:16:11,570
I did it!
Yes! Yes!
You're a natural!
393
00:16:11,604 --> 00:16:14,073
And more and more, you will
be able to see the spirits
394
00:16:14,107 --> 00:16:15,474
of the dead are
all around you!
395
00:16:15,508 --> 00:16:18,844
And very soon, you will see them
lingering in the shadows
396
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:21,013
of this very bar,
just as I do.
397
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:24,116
Oh. That's just Lilith.
Everyone makes that mistake.
398
00:16:24,150 --> 00:16:25,250
Oh.
399
00:16:29,789 --> 00:16:34,860
All the tools you will need
are here in this carved box.
400
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:39,531
Precious crystals--
windows to the unseen future.
401
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:44,236
The tarot cards--
ancient diviners of fortune.
402
00:16:44,304 --> 00:16:46,705
The I Ching coins--
403
00:16:46,740 --> 00:16:48,774
symbols of Oriental wisdom.
404
00:16:48,808 --> 00:16:51,710
The moist towelettes.
405
00:16:51,745 --> 00:16:54,847
You get a lot of trade
off the street in this business.
406
00:16:54,881 --> 00:16:56,015
(door bells tinkling)
407
00:16:56,049 --> 00:16:57,182
MAN:
Hello? Hello?
408
00:16:57,217 --> 00:16:58,851
(door closes)
What's that, a spirit?
409
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:01,286
No, no, no. That's Bob,
your first client.
410
00:17:01,354 --> 00:17:03,555
I'll never forget
my first client.
411
00:17:03,590 --> 00:17:05,190
Who was it?
412
00:17:05,225 --> 00:17:07,259
Bob.
413
00:17:07,293 --> 00:17:10,095
Madame Lazora, I-I'm
really not ready for Bob.
414
00:17:10,130 --> 00:17:11,430
Oh, don't worry.
415
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:12,731
I'll be here with you.
416
00:17:12,766 --> 00:17:15,234
There's just one more piece
of information
417
00:17:15,268 --> 00:17:17,436
you need to fully understand
your mission here.
418
00:17:17,504 --> 00:17:19,805
Look, Madame Lazora,
you don't understand.
419
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:21,940
I have a terrible
confession to make.
420
00:17:21,975 --> 00:17:24,576
Back in the bar,
421
00:17:24,611 --> 00:17:27,946
Princess Katya didn't
really enter my body.
422
00:17:27,981 --> 00:17:31,950
I was just faking it so that
I wouldn't disappoint you.
423
00:17:31,985 --> 00:17:34,019
I don't have any
psychic powers.
424
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,688
I am just an awful person.
425
00:17:35,722 --> 00:17:36,755
I hope you don't hate me.
426
00:17:36,790 --> 00:17:39,358
Oh, Carla, I'm
so proud of you
427
00:17:39,392 --> 00:17:41,393
for having the courage
to be honest with me.
428
00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:43,629
Oddly enough,
this relates
429
00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:45,497
to the information I
was about to give you.
430
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:47,433
What's that?
431
00:17:47,500 --> 00:17:48,967
I'm a complete fraud.
432
00:17:49,002 --> 00:17:53,472
Now, we just have time to
work on your spooky voice.
433
00:17:53,506 --> 00:17:54,606
What?
434
00:17:54,708 --> 00:17:55,674
Your spooky voice.
435
00:17:55,709 --> 00:17:58,210
You have to learn
to speak lower--
436
00:17:58,244 --> 00:18:01,447
talk more
from the diaphragm.
437
00:18:01,481 --> 00:18:03,449
You're a fraud?
438
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:06,085
All these years you've
been leading me on?
439
00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:07,686
Hi.
440
00:18:07,721 --> 00:18:10,622
Oh, hello, Bob.
441
00:18:10,657 --> 00:18:13,625
I want you to meet
your new spiritual advisor--
442
00:18:13,660 --> 00:18:15,694
Madame Carla.
443
00:18:15,762 --> 00:18:17,262
Hello, Madame Carla.
444
00:18:17,330 --> 00:18:19,598
Hello, Bob.
445
00:18:20,567 --> 00:18:23,602
Madame Carla...
446
00:18:23,636 --> 00:18:25,771
study Bob's aura.
447
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:28,974
Tell me,
448
00:18:29,009 --> 00:18:30,676
what do you see?
449
00:18:30,744 --> 00:18:33,178
Can you see
something?
450
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:35,614
Yeah, I can see something.
451
00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:37,616
I can see that you're a sucker,
452
00:18:37,650 --> 00:18:38,984
a big dope.
453
00:18:39,052 --> 00:18:41,153
For 20 years you've
been forking over
454
00:18:41,187 --> 00:18:44,390
your hard-earned cash
to a sleazy con artist.
455
00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:46,458
You have been taken in
by the cheapest,
456
00:18:46,493 --> 00:18:48,327
most obvious scam in the world
457
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:50,162
just because you wanted
to believe it.
458
00:18:50,196 --> 00:18:54,366
I see that you
should wise up, chump.
459
00:18:54,434 --> 00:18:56,201
(door closes)
460
00:18:56,302 --> 00:18:58,604
That will be $50, please.
461
00:19:10,350 --> 00:19:12,117
Yow, I wonder what's wrong
with Carla.
462
00:19:12,152 --> 00:19:13,719
(chuckling):
We all know what's wrong
with Carla,
463
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:15,854
but I'm the only one
with enough courage to say it.
464
00:19:15,889 --> 00:19:17,089
Not enough bran.
465
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:19,091
(Cliff yelps)
466
00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:22,728
Hey, everybody.
467
00:19:22,796 --> 00:19:24,563
Hey, Woody, how'd it go?
468
00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:26,832
Oh, it was
a great performance, Sam,
469
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:28,067
and I actually got a chance
470
00:19:28,101 --> 00:19:30,135
to talk to that
critic afterward,
471
00:19:30,170 --> 00:19:33,339
and he said that
I was much improved.
472
00:19:33,373 --> 00:19:34,273
Well.
There you go.
473
00:19:34,307 --> 00:19:35,341
SAM:
Well, I can't wait
474
00:19:35,375 --> 00:19:36,775
to go see you next week.
475
00:19:36,810 --> 00:19:39,945
Oh, well, no, actually
I'm not in it anymore, Sam.
476
00:19:39,979 --> 00:19:41,213
What happened?
477
00:19:41,247 --> 00:19:45,117
Well, the other actors read
my notebook and got upset.
478
00:19:45,185 --> 00:19:48,187
Well, Woody,
people can be very sensitive.
479
00:19:48,221 --> 00:19:49,822
Well, I think they're being
a little oversensitive.
480
00:19:49,856 --> 00:19:50,956
I mean, come on, Dr. Crane,
481
00:19:50,990 --> 00:19:52,257
I mean, if you read
in my notebook
482
00:19:52,292 --> 00:19:54,293
that you were a snobby,
know-it-all windbag,
483
00:19:54,327 --> 00:19:55,627
would you be upset?
484
00:19:55,662 --> 00:19:57,596
Yes, I probably would.
485
00:19:57,630 --> 00:19:59,264
Oh.
486
00:19:59,299 --> 00:20:00,699
(page tears)
487
00:20:02,869 --> 00:20:06,538
(playing "Greensleeves")
488
00:20:09,542 --> 00:20:12,311
I guess someone ought
to go talk to Carla, huh?
489
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:15,714
Allow me.
490
00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:27,993
Carla, would you like
to talk about it?
491
00:20:28,028 --> 00:20:28,994
No.
492
00:20:29,029 --> 00:20:30,629
Well, then,
would you like me
493
00:20:30,663 --> 00:20:33,499
to show you the correct
fingering for "Greensleeves"?
494
00:20:35,068 --> 00:20:36,702
She's a fake.
495
00:20:36,736 --> 00:20:38,504
Madame Lazora
is a fraud.
496
00:20:38,538 --> 00:20:42,641
All these years she's
been nothing but a fake.
497
00:20:42,676 --> 00:20:44,710
I am sorry, Carla.
498
00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:46,545
I don't suppose this
is an appropriate moment
499
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:48,213
to say "I told you so."
500
00:20:48,248 --> 00:20:50,849
No, this is the perfect
moment to say it.
501
00:20:50,884 --> 00:20:53,385
I told you so.
502
00:20:53,420 --> 00:20:54,853
I can't believe it.
503
00:20:54,888 --> 00:20:57,523
I know I can, but then
again, I did tell you so.
504
00:20:57,557 --> 00:21:00,426
All right, just give
me a minute to wallow.
505
00:21:00,460 --> 00:21:02,761
I'm sorry.
506
00:21:02,796 --> 00:21:04,963
I mean, if
she's a fake,
507
00:21:04,998 --> 00:21:07,132
then everything's a fake
508
00:21:07,167 --> 00:21:10,102
and everything
I ever believed in is wrong.
509
00:21:12,105 --> 00:21:14,373
I guess that's it.
510
00:21:14,407 --> 00:21:15,441
I've got nothing left.
511
00:21:15,475 --> 00:21:17,176
Game over.
512
00:21:17,210 --> 00:21:21,847
Carla, Madame Lazora
is just one individual.
513
00:21:21,881 --> 00:21:22,915
Don't give her
the power
514
00:21:22,949 --> 00:21:24,717
to destroy
your entire belief system.
515
00:21:26,820 --> 00:21:28,887
You know,
the mystic world
516
00:21:28,922 --> 00:21:33,158
that's given you so much
comfort may very well exist.
517
00:21:33,193 --> 00:21:34,760
You don't really believe that.
518
00:21:34,794 --> 00:21:36,395
Of course I do.
519
00:21:36,429 --> 00:21:38,297
Although if, if it doesn't
520
00:21:38,331 --> 00:21:41,967
I-I'm logging in right now
to say "I told you so."
521
00:21:43,069 --> 00:21:46,538
The truth is,
no one knows.
522
00:21:46,573 --> 00:21:48,707
What's your point?
523
00:21:48,742 --> 00:21:52,544
That you should profit
from this experience.
524
00:21:52,579 --> 00:21:54,880
You've graduated
from Madame Lazora.
525
00:21:54,914 --> 00:21:56,749
You've become
a stronger Carla--
526
00:21:56,816 --> 00:21:58,851
a smarter Carla--
one who's learned.
527
00:21:58,885 --> 00:22:00,753
You want to know
what I've learned?
528
00:22:00,787 --> 00:22:02,521
I've learned
that a woman
529
00:22:02,555 --> 00:22:05,624
with a funny voice and some
fancy scarves can charge
530
00:22:05,692 --> 00:22:07,893
any stupid idiot 50 bucks
531
00:22:07,927 --> 00:22:10,562
just to tell him
what he wants to know.
532
00:22:12,332 --> 00:22:14,033
Hey.
533
00:22:14,067 --> 00:22:15,100
What is it, Carla?
534
00:22:15,301 --> 00:22:17,670
I got a scarf.
535
00:22:20,206 --> 00:22:23,208
(in deep voice):
I can do a spooky voice.
536
00:22:23,276 --> 00:22:24,777
Now, now, Carla.
537
00:22:24,844 --> 00:22:27,880
Gather around,
everybody,
538
00:22:27,914 --> 00:22:31,417
and I will tell you of
the future for 50 bucks.
539
00:22:31,451 --> 00:22:33,018
Carla, no.
540
00:22:33,053 --> 00:22:33,919
You're right.
541
00:22:33,953 --> 00:22:35,621
60 bucks.
542
00:22:35,689 --> 00:22:38,424
Gather around,
gather around.
543
00:22:38,458 --> 00:22:40,359
Thanks, Fras.
544
00:22:42,128 --> 00:22:44,630
Well...
545
00:22:44,664 --> 00:22:47,700
I guess my work here is done.
38063
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