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1
00:00:00,834 --> 00:00:02,002
GUNMAN: Open the
fucking register now!
2
00:00:02,002 --> 00:00:03,920
Everybody get your hands up.
3
00:00:03,920 --> 00:00:06,256
Come on, get over here, I want
everybody to line up over here.
4
00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:08,299
- Oh, my God, oh, my God,
Barbara, do you think he saw us?
5
00:00:08,299 --> 00:00:10,093
- Fuck, I don't think so.
6
00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:11,344
I don't know. CODY: I
don't want to die, man,
7
00:00:11,344 --> 00:00:12,929
not like this.
8
00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:13,596
I don't even have
a Wikipedia page.
9
00:00:13,596 --> 00:00:14,681
GUNMAN: Ma'am.
10
00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:16,641
- Oh, shit, he saw you.
11
00:00:16,641 --> 00:00:17,600
- What? No, he said "ma'am."
12
00:00:17,600 --> 00:00:18,560
BARBARA: Yeah, that's you.
13
00:00:18,560 --> 00:00:20,770
- What? I'm not a ma'am.
14
00:00:20,770 --> 00:00:21,896
- Yeah, you are,
you're totally a ma'am.
15
00:00:21,896 --> 00:00:23,481
- No, I'm not.
BARBARA: Yes, you are.
16
00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:24,399
You've been a ma'am for a
long time. GUNMAN: Ma'am!
17
00:00:26,943 --> 00:00:29,446
Ma'am!
18
00:00:29,446 --> 00:00:31,489
Why don't you go smoke
some more crack, huh?
19
00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:33,616
- You got any?
- What?!
20
00:00:33,616 --> 00:00:35,493
- See, he was talking to
the crack whore, I told you.
21
00:00:35,493 --> 00:00:37,245
- Okay, I don't care.
Listen to me, I have a plan.
22
00:00:37,245 --> 00:00:38,580
You see those Jesus candles?
23
00:00:38,580 --> 00:00:39,581
You're gonna take two of them,
24
00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:40,707
then you're gonna somersault
25
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:42,500
quietly behind the candy aisle.
26
00:00:42,500 --> 00:00:44,836
From my calculations, you'll
have a perfect vantage point.
27
00:00:44,836 --> 00:00:46,171
- What the fuck are
you talking about?
28
00:00:46,171 --> 00:00:47,589
- Come on, Cody,
you can take him.
29
00:00:47,589 --> 00:00:48,840
- No, I can't.
BARBARA: Yes, you can.
30
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:50,508
You're bigger than him.
- Fuck you.
31
00:00:50,508 --> 00:00:52,719
- You are-- you're
like twice his size.
32
00:00:52,719 --> 00:00:55,180
- I want everybody to take their
cell phones out and their
wallets.
33
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,223
But don't touch your own wallet!
34
00:00:57,223 --> 00:01:00,018
Take the wallet out
of the person to your right.
35
00:01:00,018 --> 00:01:01,519
There's only four phones here,
36
00:01:01,519 --> 00:01:02,771
and there's five of you.
- Fuck this.
37
00:01:02,771 --> 00:01:03,605
I'm calling the cops.
- You're such a pussy.
38
00:01:03,605 --> 00:01:06,357
[gunman shouting indistinctly]
39
00:01:06,357 --> 00:01:07,567
What are you doing?
40
00:01:07,567 --> 00:01:08,568
- Nothing. Nothing, nothing.
41
00:01:08,568 --> 00:01:10,236
[Barbara gasps]
42
00:01:10,236 --> 00:01:12,280
Are you fucking
texting Dan right now?
43
00:01:12,280 --> 00:01:13,823
- No, okay, just...
44
00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:15,658
I texted him "I love
you" two hours ago,
45
00:01:15,658 --> 00:01:18,286
and he just texted back
"k, you, too," all lowercase.
46
00:01:18,286 --> 00:01:19,537
Like, what the fuck is that?
47
00:01:19,537 --> 00:01:21,915
- I seriously
cannot believe you.
48
00:01:21,915 --> 00:01:23,458
Don't you get that this is
like a fucking parable
49
00:01:23,458 --> 00:01:25,376
for the world right now?
50
00:01:25,376 --> 00:01:27,545
Toxic masculinity as
represented, quite literally,
51
00:01:27,545 --> 00:01:29,047
by a dude with a gu...
52
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:30,840
Well, don't write that.
53
00:01:30,840 --> 00:01:32,217
- Why?
54
00:01:32,217 --> 00:01:34,469
- "Are we okay?"
CODY: What, what?
55
00:01:34,469 --> 00:01:36,387
- If you have to write to
your boyfriend "Are we okay?"
56
00:01:36,387 --> 00:01:38,014
you're definitely not okay.
57
00:01:38,014 --> 00:01:39,015
- Do you think he's
cheating on me?
58
00:01:39,015 --> 00:01:40,141
- Honestly?
59
00:01:40,141 --> 00:01:41,226
GUNMAN: Ma'am.
- Yeah.
60
00:01:41,226 --> 00:01:42,977
- Don't say that.
61
00:01:42,977 --> 00:01:44,229
You're gonna give me
a fucking heart attack.
62
00:01:44,229 --> 00:01:45,814
- Ma'am!
- [gasps] Fuck, oh, my God.
63
00:01:45,814 --> 00:01:47,148
Please don't kill
me, Jesus Christ,
64
00:01:47,148 --> 00:01:48,316
please, please, please
don't kill me, oh, my God.
65
00:01:48,316 --> 00:01:49,150
- See, you're totally a ma'am,
I was right.
66
00:01:49,150 --> 00:01:50,527
[laughs]
- Shut up.
67
00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:52,695
- What?
- No, not-- nothing, not you.
68
00:01:52,695 --> 00:01:53,947
- Slide your phone over here.
69
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:55,657
- Okay, okay, okay, just, um...
70
00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:57,117
I'm so sorry, can I
just send one text?
71
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:58,326
It'll be so fast.
72
00:01:58,326 --> 00:01:59,661
- No! What the fuck?!
73
00:01:59,661 --> 00:02:00,995
- Okay, okay, all right, okay!
74
00:02:00,995 --> 00:02:02,247
All-all right!
- God, you idiot!
75
00:02:03,623 --> 00:02:05,708
[quiet music playing]
76
00:02:05,708 --> 00:02:08,002
- Is that a fucking sex doll?
77
00:02:08,002 --> 00:02:09,254
- Yeah.
78
00:02:09,254 --> 00:02:10,505
- The fuck is around its neck?
79
00:02:12,090 --> 00:02:14,592
- Her vagina?
BARBARA: Sir,
80
00:02:14,592 --> 00:02:16,261
I'm fully cooperating,
and if you have to kill her,
81
00:02:16,261 --> 00:02:17,971
I completely understand,
82
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,681
and if you have to
rape me, I'm down,
83
00:02:19,681 --> 00:02:21,474
but, like, please don't kill me.
84
00:02:21,474 --> 00:02:24,269
- Why the fuck is it wearing
a vagina around its neck?
85
00:02:24,269 --> 00:02:26,271
- Well, it's her,
it's her old vagina, it's...
86
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:27,814
'Cause, you know, she wa--
87
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,440
she used to be my
boyfriend's sex doll
88
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:30,483
and now, you know,
she's just my friend
89
00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:32,110
and she's my writing partner.
90
00:02:32,110 --> 00:02:34,696
She's kind of a,
kind of a handful, actually.
91
00:02:34,696 --> 00:02:36,614
When she was my
boyfriend's sex doll,
92
00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:39,033
he didn't, he didn't take
very good care of her, so, like,
93
00:02:39,033 --> 00:02:40,326
hygiene-wise,
her pussy got kind of crusty.
94
00:02:40,326 --> 00:02:42,537
You know, when I say that,
95
00:02:42,537 --> 00:02:44,789
it, like, it-it sounds like I'm
saying, like, he's a pervert.
96
00:02:44,789 --> 00:02:46,749
He's, like, a super sweet guy,
great boyfriend.
97
00:02:46,749 --> 00:02:48,293
He's actually, like,
a really successful TV writer.
98
00:02:48,293 --> 00:02:49,961
He just has kinks, you know.
99
00:02:49,961 --> 00:02:52,005
He's into foot stuff,
he's into pantyhose,
100
00:02:52,005 --> 00:02:54,591
and, you know, like,
for a while he just had, um,
101
00:02:54,591 --> 00:02:56,301
like, a mannequin leg,
and he would put pantyhose on it
102
00:02:56,301 --> 00:02:57,844
and he would just, like,
rub it on his nipples,
103
00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:58,803
but then the dog chewed up
the pantyhose leg,
104
00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:00,555
so then he got the sex doll.
105
00:03:00,555 --> 00:03:01,848
It's kind of the... GUNMAN:
Hold on, hold on, hold on.
106
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:06,186
Is your... is your
boyfriend Dan Harmon?
107
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,687
- Yeah.
108
00:03:07,687 --> 00:03:09,939
- Oh, my God.
109
00:03:09,939 --> 00:03:11,733
This is crazy.
110
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:14,235
I am a huge fan.
111
00:03:14,235 --> 00:03:15,653
- Wait, what?
GUNMAN: Yeah.
112
00:03:15,653 --> 00:03:16,988
- I fucked him every week.
113
00:03:16,988 --> 00:03:19,240
- Uh...
CODY: Oh, my God!
114
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:21,993
- Rick and Morty is
my favorite TV show of all time.
115
00:03:21,993 --> 00:03:23,828
- That is insane.
116
00:03:23,828 --> 00:03:26,331
- I-- this is crazy.
I'm, like, a total Harmenian,
117
00:03:26,331 --> 00:03:29,167
and, you know, I, I listen
to his podcast every week.
118
00:03:29,167 --> 00:03:30,293
- Right. GUNMAN: And,
as you know, you know,
119
00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:32,879
he really kind of, like,
puts himself out there,
120
00:03:32,879 --> 00:03:34,672
so when you said "sex doll,"
121
00:03:34,672 --> 00:03:36,925
I was like, "Could it be?"
122
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,219
And then you were
like, "writer."
123
00:03:39,219 --> 00:03:40,470
And then you said...
- "Foot fetish."
124
00:03:40,470 --> 00:03:42,096
- "...foot fetish"!
And I was like,
125
00:03:42,096 --> 00:03:44,098
"Uh, could it be? Yes, it is!"
126
00:03:44,098 --> 00:03:45,683
And now it is!
127
00:03:45,683 --> 00:03:47,435
- Dude, I'm, like,
freaking out right now.
128
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:49,812
This is fucking crazy.
GUNMAN: So am I.
129
00:03:49,812 --> 00:03:51,856
Wow, what a small world.
What are the chances
130
00:03:51,856 --> 00:03:55,276
that, like, you and I would run
into each other like this?
131
00:03:55,276 --> 00:03:56,945
- Very slim.
- Barbara.
132
00:03:56,945 --> 00:03:58,863
- I mean, it's-it's like
a Rick and Morty episode,
133
00:03:58,863 --> 00:04:00,949
but, like, everything
I would be saying would be
134
00:04:00,949 --> 00:04:03,117
so much smarter because the
writing on that show was...
135
00:04:03,117 --> 00:04:04,160
[gunshot]
136
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,079
[both screaming]
137
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:08,373
CODY: Oh, my God!
138
00:04:08,373 --> 00:04:09,499
Holy shit!
[Barbara screams]
139
00:04:09,499 --> 00:04:11,751
- [panting]
140
00:04:11,751 --> 00:04:13,461
[engine starts]
141
00:04:21,803 --> 00:04:23,763
[Barbara sighs]
142
00:04:23,763 --> 00:04:25,390
- That was so fucked up.
143
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,893
- [exhales]: What?
144
00:04:28,893 --> 00:04:31,479
- Oh, my God, I'm,
like, still shaking.
145
00:04:31,479 --> 00:04:33,231
- Like, me, too,
I'm also shaking.
146
00:04:33,231 --> 00:04:35,149
Like, I'm not actually
physically shaking,
147
00:04:35,149 --> 00:04:38,152
but I'm also experiencing the
trauma in a very real way.
148
00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:40,613
- That was fucking crazy!
149
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:42,407
What the fuck just
happened to us?!
150
00:04:42,407 --> 00:04:44,117
- That was crazy!
151
00:04:44,117 --> 00:04:46,077
Like, who thought that
fucking crack whore
152
00:04:46,077 --> 00:04:47,370
would save the day like that?
153
00:04:47,370 --> 00:04:49,038
- Oh, my God, I know.
154
00:04:49,038 --> 00:04:52,041
You know...
155
00:04:52,041 --> 00:04:54,294
we probably shouldn't
call her that anymore.
156
00:04:54,294 --> 00:04:56,129
- I hundred percent agree.
157
00:04:56,129 --> 00:04:57,922
Well, can you believe that...
158
00:04:57,922 --> 00:05:00,550
crack sex worker
saved the fucking day like that?
159
00:05:00,550 --> 00:05:01,843
- Totally.
160
00:05:03,344 --> 00:05:06,264
Oh, my God, he broke my phone.
161
00:05:08,057 --> 00:05:11,686
I mean, mostly it
is very, very sad
162
00:05:11,686 --> 00:05:15,648
that a, like, a human
life was taken, obviously,
163
00:05:15,648 --> 00:05:17,525
and, like, I feel terrible
for, like, the family
164
00:05:17,525 --> 00:05:18,943
of that dead robber.
165
00:05:18,943 --> 00:05:20,653
- Dude, I feel terrible, too.
166
00:05:20,653 --> 00:05:23,656
Like, to echo that,
I'm devastated.
167
00:05:23,656 --> 00:05:25,283
- I mean, the whole thing's
like a fucking tragedy.
168
00:05:25,283 --> 00:05:27,285
BARBARA: It's a tra--
it's... that's a perfect word.
169
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:28,953
Yeah, it's like a
true American tragedy.
170
00:05:30,204 --> 00:05:32,457
But...
171
00:05:32,457 --> 00:05:35,877
you know, it is kind of
one of those tragedies that...
172
00:05:35,877 --> 00:05:37,628
would make an
amazing story, right?
173
00:05:37,628 --> 00:05:40,715
- Like, a really good story.
174
00:05:40,715 --> 00:05:41,883
- Like, it'd be almost
more of a tragedy
175
00:05:41,883 --> 00:05:43,926
if we didn't tell
that story, right?
176
00:05:43,926 --> 00:05:46,763
- Like maybe in a spec script
about a girl and her sex doll?
177
00:05:46,763 --> 00:05:49,182
- Oh, my God, I was
having the same idea!
178
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:50,933
- No. - Yes, but I didn't want
to tell you
179
00:05:50,933 --> 00:05:52,518
'cause I was like, "She's
gonna think I'm a monster."
180
00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:54,145
- Wait, really?
- Hundred percent.
181
00:05:54,145 --> 00:05:57,565
- No. Oh, my God,
that's hilarious.
182
00:05:57,565 --> 00:06:00,151
Oh, my God, I'm starving.
183
00:06:00,151 --> 00:06:02,195
Feel like I burned,
like, a million calories
184
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,030
just from having my heart rate
so elevated.
185
00:06:04,030 --> 00:06:05,740
- I know, I'm so hungry.
186
00:06:05,740 --> 00:06:09,243
[sighs] I would so
join you, but...
187
00:06:09,243 --> 00:06:10,286
- You're a sex doll so you can't
eat? - I'm keeping this shit
tight.
188
00:06:10,286 --> 00:06:11,662
- All right.
189
00:06:11,662 --> 00:06:13,748
Bitch, you are
covered in blood.
190
00:06:13,748 --> 00:06:14,749
BARBARA: You're
covered in blood.
191
00:06:14,749 --> 00:06:16,542
CODY: You look psychotic.
192
00:06:16,542 --> 00:06:17,835
BARBARA: You look like
you're in the movie Carrie.
193
00:06:17,835 --> 00:06:19,879
CODY: No, I look dope.
194
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:22,423
♪ 'Cause they mean me and you. ♪
14417
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