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1
00:00:01,300 --> 00:00:04,019
Cheers is filmed beforea live studio audience.
2
00:00:06,038 --> 00:00:07,221
Good evening, Mr. Clavin.
3
00:00:07,289 --> 00:00:08,990
How lovely to see you again.
4
00:00:09,058 --> 00:00:10,659
It's a trick, isn't it?
5
00:00:10,726 --> 00:00:12,326
You're gonna hurt me.
6
00:00:12,394 --> 00:00:13,762
Yeah, what's
the story here, Carla?
7
00:00:13,829 --> 00:00:15,429
You've been acting
very strange all evening.
8
00:00:15,497 --> 00:00:17,298
Why? What did I do?
9
00:00:17,366 --> 00:00:19,000
Well, for example,
you've poured me three beers
10
00:00:19,068 --> 00:00:21,469
without once flicking
the foam up my nose.
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00:00:21,537 --> 00:00:24,372
You haven't even
spit on anybody.
12
00:00:24,439 --> 00:00:25,874
What is it, honey?
13
00:00:25,941 --> 00:00:27,809
Trouble at home?
14
00:00:27,877 --> 00:00:30,678
All right,
I'm gonna tell you guys.
15
00:00:30,746 --> 00:00:32,647
I went to see
Madam Lazora this morning.
16
00:00:32,715 --> 00:00:34,015
Your fortune teller?
17
00:00:34,083 --> 00:00:35,784
Palmist.
18
00:00:35,851 --> 00:00:39,554
Anyway, she told me that
my courtesy to others tonight
19
00:00:39,621 --> 00:00:42,691
could result
in substantial wealth.
20
00:00:42,758 --> 00:00:44,325
Ah.
And I'm
telling you,
21
00:00:44,393 --> 00:00:46,194
tonight I'm taking
no chances.
22
00:00:46,262 --> 00:00:47,863
What, you're not even
going to insult anybody?
23
00:00:47,930 --> 00:00:50,265
Well, not unless
I can do it so subtly
24
00:00:50,333 --> 00:00:52,200
that he doesn't know
he's been insulted.
25
00:00:53,336 --> 00:00:55,803
No, tonight the bigger
jackass a guy is,
26
00:00:55,872 --> 00:00:58,073
the more courteous
I am gonna be.
27
00:00:58,140 --> 00:01:01,042
I'll start with numero uno.
28
00:01:01,110 --> 00:01:05,313
Now, I do hope you'll allow me
the incredible privilege
29
00:01:05,381 --> 00:01:08,116
of serving you
a beer, Mr. Clavin.
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00:01:11,887 --> 00:01:15,223
( piano plays )
31
00:01:15,291 --> 00:01:17,725
� Sometimes you want to go
32
00:01:17,793 --> 00:01:22,663
� Where everybody
knows your name �
33
00:01:22,731 --> 00:01:27,602
� And they're always
glad you came �
34
00:01:27,669 --> 00:01:30,305
� You want to be
where you can see �
35
00:01:30,373 --> 00:01:32,740
� Our troubles
are all the same �
36
00:01:32,808 --> 00:01:38,546
� You want to go where
everybody knows your name. �
37
00:01:53,379 --> 00:01:55,213
You're in early
tonight, Frasier.
38
00:01:55,280 --> 00:01:56,814
Yes, I'm meeting
a former colleague,
39
00:01:56,883 --> 00:01:59,283
Dr. Lawrence Crandell,
for a pre-dinner drink.
40
00:01:59,351 --> 00:02:00,534
He's in town
on a book tour.
41
00:02:00,602 --> 00:02:02,436
Oh, yeah?
He's a writer, huh?
42
00:02:02,504 --> 00:02:03,355
Ooh, I should say so.
43
00:02:03,422 --> 00:02:05,089
He's written a raging
best seller.
44
00:02:05,157 --> 00:02:06,725
You know, if I wasn't
so thoroughly happy
45
00:02:06,792 --> 00:02:08,326
in my own life, I might
even stoop to being
46
00:02:08,394 --> 00:02:10,595
just a bit envious of
a former colleague
47
00:02:10,663 --> 00:02:12,797
who's now so widely
successful.
48
00:02:12,865 --> 00:02:14,532
Well, that is if
you measure success
49
00:02:14,600 --> 00:02:17,101
by dollars and cents,
popularity, personal fame.
50
00:02:17,169 --> 00:02:19,237
I'm happy for him.
51
00:02:19,304 --> 00:02:20,538
What's the book about?
52
00:02:20,606 --> 00:02:21,589
Who gives a damn?
53
00:02:23,192 --> 00:02:25,176
Sorry. It's, uh,
a marriage manual.
54
00:02:25,244 --> 00:02:27,979
It's entitled, the, uh,
The Forever Couple:
55
00:02:28,047 --> 00:02:29,648
The Joy of LovingOne Person
56
00:02:29,715 --> 00:02:31,716
For the Restof Your Life.
57
00:02:31,784 --> 00:02:32,834
Ah, science-fiction.
58
00:02:32,901 --> 00:02:34,736
Those usually sell great.
59
00:02:34,803 --> 00:02:36,638
But you know, success
does have its price tag.
60
00:02:36,705 --> 00:02:38,306
He's been away
from his wife, Valerie,
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00:02:38,374 --> 00:02:40,007
for the better part of a year.
62
00:02:40,075 --> 00:02:41,509
Jeez, you know,
I think I'd go crazy
63
00:02:41,577 --> 00:02:43,211
if I was away
from Lilith for that long.
64
00:02:43,279 --> 00:02:44,779
I don't even
like to think about it.
65
00:02:44,846 --> 00:02:46,013
Yeah, I'll bet.
66
00:02:46,081 --> 00:02:47,165
Well, I do think about it.
67
00:02:47,233 --> 00:02:50,068
I don't enjoy it.
68
00:02:50,136 --> 00:02:51,069
I'm sure not.
69
00:02:51,137 --> 00:02:52,837
Well, I do enjoy it, but...
70
00:02:52,905 --> 00:02:55,073
I'm not proud of the fact.
71
00:02:58,510 --> 00:02:59,711
Frasier.
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00:02:59,779 --> 00:03:01,512
Larry, good to see you again.
73
00:03:01,580 --> 00:03:02,747
Good to see you.
74
00:03:02,815 --> 00:03:04,149
Have I told you how
thrilled I am
75
00:03:04,216 --> 00:03:05,316
about the success
of your book?
76
00:03:05,384 --> 00:03:06,084
Yes, you have.
77
00:03:06,152 --> 00:03:07,051
It's a fabulous book.
78
00:03:07,119 --> 00:03:08,219
You know,
I was just thinking
79
00:03:08,287 --> 00:03:09,587
what a wonderful
gift it would make.
80
00:03:09,655 --> 00:03:10,822
Have you read it?
81
00:03:10,890 --> 00:03:13,024
Well, no, I was hoping
someone might give it to me.
82
00:03:13,092 --> 00:03:14,292
Let me get you
a drink.
83
00:03:14,359 --> 00:03:16,161
Oh, thanks,
black and white, neat.
84
00:03:16,228 --> 00:03:17,929
FRASIER:
Ah, Lawrence,
85
00:03:17,997 --> 00:03:18,847
this is Rebecca Howe.
86
00:03:18,914 --> 00:03:20,481
This is Lawrence
Crandell.
87
00:03:20,549 --> 00:03:21,983
How do you do?
Pleased to meet you.
88
00:03:22,051 --> 00:03:23,117
And this
is Sam Malone.
89
00:03:23,185 --> 00:03:24,853
Oh, not the Sam Malone?
90
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,621
Oh, you were
a hell of a pitcher. I saw you
91
00:03:27,689 --> 00:03:29,307
strike out
Reggie Jackson.
92
00:03:29,375 --> 00:03:30,941
Made him look
like a fool.
93
00:03:31,009 --> 00:03:32,677
Oh, well...
I can hardly
blame him
94
00:03:32,744 --> 00:03:34,128
for knocking you
off the mound
95
00:03:34,196 --> 00:03:36,130
the next time up with
that line drive.
96
00:03:36,198 --> 00:03:39,050
So, uh, Frasier told me
that you've, uh,
97
00:03:39,118 --> 00:03:40,685
been baching it
a long time here.
98
00:03:40,753 --> 00:03:42,453
It must be pretty rough, huh?
99
00:03:42,521 --> 00:03:44,456
Say, why didn't you just
bring Valerie with you?
100
00:03:44,523 --> 00:03:46,157
Well, you know,
she hates to travel.
101
00:03:46,225 --> 00:03:48,093
Besides, we decided
this was a perfect
102
00:03:48,160 --> 00:03:49,628
opportunity to test
my theories
103
00:03:49,695 --> 00:03:51,129
about marital fidelity.
104
00:03:51,196 --> 00:03:54,332
And I'm glad to say after
ten months of celibacy,
105
00:03:54,399 --> 00:03:57,201
I can now pronounce
my principle sound.
106
00:03:57,269 --> 00:03:58,870
( Sam whistles )
107
00:03:58,938 --> 00:04:00,238
After ten months of celibacy,
108
00:04:00,305 --> 00:04:01,940
I couldn't
even pronounce my name.
109
00:04:04,977 --> 00:04:08,262
I make it a point to tell my
wife at least once a day,
110
00:04:08,330 --> 00:04:12,266
"You're my world, you're
my life, I love you."
111
00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:14,418
I'll bet my wife would
love to hear those words.
112
00:04:14,486 --> 00:04:17,055
Could you give
her a call?
113
00:04:19,892 --> 00:04:21,843
So the book's doing
pretty good, huh?
114
00:04:21,910 --> 00:04:23,228
Yeah, it has been
received rather well.
115
00:04:23,295 --> 00:04:25,864
In fact, this last review
is so embarrassingly good,
116
00:04:25,931 --> 00:04:28,032
I should just wad it up
and throw it away.
117
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:30,601
But I need several
hundred copies first.
118
00:04:30,669 --> 00:04:34,005
Is there a photocopy
machine around here?
119
00:04:34,073 --> 00:04:35,306
Yeah, Rebecca's
got one in her office.
120
00:04:35,374 --> 00:04:36,374
You don't mind,
do you?
121
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:37,375
No, help yourself.
122
00:04:37,443 --> 00:04:38,676
That's very kind of you.
123
00:04:38,744 --> 00:04:39,677
Any special instructions?
124
00:04:39,745 --> 00:04:41,413
Yes, just push
the blue button.
125
00:04:41,480 --> 00:04:43,548
It's right under the sign
that says, "This machine
126
00:04:43,615 --> 00:04:46,584
is for photocopying documents,
not your butt."
127
00:04:54,326 --> 00:04:56,076
All set?
128
00:04:56,144 --> 00:04:57,011
Thanks again.
129
00:04:57,078 --> 00:04:57,879
You're welcome.
130
00:05:00,832 --> 00:05:02,534
Miss Howe, may I ask
you something?
131
00:05:02,601 --> 00:05:03,901
Sure.
132
00:05:03,969 --> 00:05:06,337
I hope you won't
take this the wrong way,
133
00:05:06,405 --> 00:05:09,340
but my field
is human sexual dynamics.
134
00:05:10,859 --> 00:05:12,660
And just now I had
the strangest impression--
135
00:05:12,727 --> 00:05:14,595
please, tell me if I'm wrong--
136
00:05:15,797 --> 00:05:16,764
that something happened
137
00:05:16,832 --> 00:05:18,266
when you and I were introduced.
138
00:05:18,334 --> 00:05:20,034
I sensed some spark,
139
00:05:20,101 --> 00:05:23,204
some flicker
of response on your part.
140
00:05:23,271 --> 00:05:24,339
Very subtle,
141
00:05:24,406 --> 00:05:26,891
but unmistakable.
142
00:05:26,959 --> 00:05:29,076
Was I imagining that?
143
00:05:29,078 --> 00:05:32,647
I think so.
144
00:05:32,715 --> 00:05:35,332
Well, my mistake.
145
00:05:35,400 --> 00:05:36,518
I'm sure you understand.
146
00:05:36,585 --> 00:05:38,620
Of course.
147
00:05:38,687 --> 00:05:42,223
You-You-You are aware
I wasn't being judgmental?
148
00:05:42,290 --> 00:05:43,407
Of course.
149
00:05:43,475 --> 00:05:45,576
It's the response itself
that interested me.
150
00:05:45,644 --> 00:05:46,944
Purely as a scientist.
151
00:05:47,012 --> 00:05:48,162
And you
are quite sure
152
00:05:48,230 --> 00:05:50,764
that on some very basic level,
153
00:05:50,833 --> 00:05:54,902
you didn't experience
an undeniable attraction?
154
00:05:54,970 --> 00:05:56,604
Positive.
155
00:05:56,606 --> 00:05:59,307
Well, I'm glad
we cleared that up.
156
00:06:03,895 --> 00:06:06,347
Still, I can't keep
from wondering...
157
00:06:07,750 --> 00:06:08,733
...whether your subconscious
158
00:06:08,884 --> 00:06:10,952
may not be trying
to tell us something.
159
00:06:11,019 --> 00:06:11,869
I swear to you,
Dr. Crandell...
160
00:06:11,937 --> 00:06:13,004
I mean,
when I hear
161
00:06:13,071 --> 00:06:14,388
such facile denial,
162
00:06:14,456 --> 00:06:16,674
it always sets off a little
alarm in my head.
163
00:06:16,741 --> 00:06:17,942
Dr. Crandell.
164
00:06:18,010 --> 00:06:19,526
Call me Lawrence.
165
00:06:19,594 --> 00:06:22,279
Let me make this
as clear as I know how.
166
00:06:22,347 --> 00:06:26,183
There was no attraction
when we met, or since.
167
00:06:26,251 --> 00:06:27,368
I felt nothing.
168
00:06:27,436 --> 00:06:29,687
I feel nothing.
169
00:06:29,755 --> 00:06:33,124
Zero, nada, zip.
170
00:06:33,192 --> 00:06:35,193
Zip.
171
00:06:35,260 --> 00:06:39,030
Interesting unconscious
choice of word.
172
00:06:42,935 --> 00:06:45,403
Try this word: out.
173
00:06:45,470 --> 00:06:47,138
All right, sorry.
174
00:06:48,774 --> 00:06:49,808
Man.
175
00:06:51,710 --> 00:06:52,944
( knocking )
176
00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:53,795
I give up.
177
00:06:53,862 --> 00:06:55,813
You make me crazy with desire.
178
00:06:55,881 --> 00:06:57,815
I can't keep my hands off you!
179
00:06:57,883 --> 00:06:59,484
What do you want?!
180
00:07:03,688 --> 00:07:06,524
Sign these invoices,
and then be gentle.
181
00:07:14,666 --> 00:07:17,302
Why don't you
sit over there, Walter?
182
00:07:18,737 --> 00:07:22,473
You suppose I might trouble you
for two brandies, Miss Howe?
183
00:07:22,541 --> 00:07:24,175
Ask the bartender.
184
00:07:25,211 --> 00:07:26,678
Of course we can help you.
185
00:07:26,745 --> 00:07:29,880
Woody, uh, pour Dr. Crandell
a couple of our house brand.
186
00:07:29,948 --> 00:07:31,883
Two house brands
187
00:07:31,950 --> 00:07:33,017
on the house.
188
00:07:33,084 --> 00:07:35,319
That's very kind
of you, Sam.
189
00:07:35,387 --> 00:07:39,256
One seldom gets to sample
a good Nigerian Cognac.
190
00:07:41,810 --> 00:07:44,312
Weren't you kind of
rude to Dr. Crandell?
191
00:07:44,379 --> 00:07:46,747
Was I? Sorry.
192
00:07:46,815 --> 00:07:48,515
Well, what'd he ever do to you?
193
00:07:48,583 --> 00:07:51,285
I don't know.
Nothing. Never mind.
194
00:07:51,353 --> 00:07:53,887
Your hostility
was unmistakable.
195
00:07:53,956 --> 00:07:56,257
( sighs )
196
00:07:56,325 --> 00:07:58,209
All right.
197
00:07:58,277 --> 00:08:01,445
The man came on to me
in my office.
198
00:08:01,513 --> 00:08:04,382
Dr. Crandell
came on to you?
199
00:08:04,449 --> 00:08:05,849
What'd he do?
200
00:08:05,918 --> 00:08:07,251
Did he touch you?
201
00:08:07,319 --> 00:08:09,686
No, he did not touch me.
202
00:08:09,754 --> 00:08:11,055
Make an indecent proposal?
203
00:08:11,123 --> 00:08:12,123
Of course not.
204
00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:13,224
Comment on your looks,
205
00:08:13,292 --> 00:08:16,260
ask you for a date,
whistle, flash, what?
206
00:08:18,763 --> 00:08:21,198
He asked
about my feelings.
207
00:08:21,266 --> 00:08:23,801
The man should
be horse whipped!
208
00:08:26,305 --> 00:08:29,206
Rebecca, of course he
asked about your feelings.
209
00:08:29,274 --> 00:08:30,541
I mean,
it's his field.
210
00:08:30,608 --> 00:08:32,009
The man
is an analyst.
211
00:08:32,077 --> 00:08:34,145
He's written volumes on
human sexual attraction.
212
00:08:34,212 --> 00:08:36,247
Wait, wait, so, uh,
then what happened?
213
00:08:36,315 --> 00:08:38,916
I'll tell you what happened,
Mr. Smarty Pantses.
214
00:08:42,287 --> 00:08:45,823
He... thanked me
politely and he left.
215
00:08:45,890 --> 00:08:50,261
Oh, that doesn't seem
so terrible, does it?
216
00:08:50,329 --> 00:08:51,462
Rebecca, I assure you,
217
00:08:51,529 --> 00:08:52,930
you must have
misunderstood his intentions.
218
00:08:52,998 --> 00:08:54,531
I mean,
he's in love with his wife.
219
00:08:54,599 --> 00:08:56,567
They're the most happily
married couple I know.
220
00:08:56,634 --> 00:08:58,902
Gee, I guess I could
have been wrong.
221
00:08:58,971 --> 00:09:01,638
What if he was just being
psychological or something?
222
00:09:02,807 --> 00:09:04,408
I should apologize
to him, huh?
223
00:09:04,476 --> 00:09:05,343
I guess you should.
224
00:09:06,478 --> 00:09:08,245
We'll be in touch.
225
00:09:08,313 --> 00:09:11,649
Dr. Crandell, may I speak
with you a moment?
226
00:09:11,717 --> 00:09:12,684
Of course.
227
00:09:12,751 --> 00:09:17,322
Oh, I want to apologize
to you for having
228
00:09:17,389 --> 00:09:20,558
that conversation and then me
getting a little bit upset.
229
00:09:20,626 --> 00:09:22,459
I hope you don't think me rude.
230
00:09:22,527 --> 00:09:23,494
Oh, of course not.
231
00:09:23,561 --> 00:09:25,262
You answered
my questions honestly
232
00:09:25,330 --> 00:09:27,197
in the spirit in which
they were asked.
233
00:09:27,265 --> 00:09:29,033
So that's
the end to that.
234
00:09:29,101 --> 00:09:30,567
Oh, good. Thank you.
235
00:09:30,636 --> 00:09:31,802
That's all right.
236
00:09:31,870 --> 00:09:34,071
You meet someone, you
find him unattractive,
237
00:09:34,139 --> 00:09:36,674
even repulsive,
it happens.
238
00:09:36,742 --> 00:09:39,810
Well, I don't think
you're repulsive.
239
00:09:39,878 --> 00:09:41,078
No, no, please.
240
00:09:41,146 --> 00:09:43,547
Don't think you have to
worry about my feelings.
241
00:09:43,615 --> 00:09:45,650
I think you're
an attractive man.
242
00:09:45,717 --> 00:09:47,852
Really, that's
very flattering.
243
00:09:50,321 --> 00:09:51,656
As a matter of fact,
244
00:09:51,723 --> 00:09:54,491
I'm really quite awkward and
uncomfortable around women.
245
00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:56,460
As a matter of fact,
the very idea
246
00:09:56,528 --> 00:09:59,480
of my propositioning you
or having an opening line,
247
00:09:59,547 --> 00:10:01,949
or doing something
so blatant as...
248
00:10:02,017 --> 00:10:03,584
Rubbing your foot
along my leg?
249
00:10:03,652 --> 00:10:04,785
Exactly.
250
00:10:04,853 --> 00:10:06,587
You're doing that
right now.
251
00:10:06,655 --> 00:10:10,007
Oh, goodness.
Was that you?
252
00:10:10,075 --> 00:10:13,377
I'm sorry, I thought
it was the table leg.
253
00:10:13,445 --> 00:10:17,448
The supple, quivering table
leg that goes on forever.
254
00:10:17,549 --> 00:10:20,818
A natural mistake.
255
00:10:20,886 --> 00:10:23,337
You're still doing it.
256
00:10:23,404 --> 00:10:26,724
You have a hole
in your sock.
257
00:10:26,792 --> 00:10:29,126
Like it?
258
00:10:37,036 --> 00:10:38,152
Dr. Crandell, I want you
259
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:40,187
to keep your foot
where it belongs.
260
00:10:40,255 --> 00:10:41,188
Ow!
261
00:10:41,256 --> 00:10:42,356
( phone ringing )
262
00:10:42,424 --> 00:10:43,491
WOODY:
Cheers.
263
00:10:43,558 --> 00:10:45,493
Dr. Crandell?
264
00:10:45,560 --> 00:10:46,176
Telephone.
265
00:10:46,244 --> 00:10:49,096
It's Mrs. Dr. Crandell.
266
00:10:49,164 --> 00:10:50,697
Thank you.
267
00:10:50,765 --> 00:10:53,167
I left
the number here.
268
00:10:53,235 --> 00:10:55,385
Hello, honey, my darling!
269
00:10:55,453 --> 00:10:57,054
My reason for living!
270
00:10:57,122 --> 00:10:59,506
Oh, that slime ball hypocrite.
271
00:10:59,574 --> 00:11:00,942
What?!
Get-Get over here.
272
00:11:01,009 --> 00:11:02,844
That tears it.
273
00:11:02,911 --> 00:11:07,281
( indistinct grumbling )
274
00:11:07,348 --> 00:11:08,548
SAM:
What was
that about?
275
00:11:08,616 --> 00:11:10,050
He toed my calf.
276
00:11:10,118 --> 00:11:11,451
What?
277
00:11:11,519 --> 00:11:12,954
Excuse me?
278
00:11:13,021 --> 00:11:15,857
He was rubbing
his foot on my leg.
279
00:11:15,924 --> 00:11:17,258
Well, perhaps he was just trying
to cross his legs
280
00:11:17,325 --> 00:11:18,292
and he accidentally
bumped into you.
281
00:11:18,359 --> 00:11:19,726
What do you think
I am, a nitwit?
282
00:11:19,795 --> 00:11:20,761
I am telling you
283
00:11:20,829 --> 00:11:22,396
that your distinguished,
284
00:11:22,463 --> 00:11:24,799
happily married friend
was coming on to me.
285
00:11:24,866 --> 00:11:25,732
Oh, please.
286
00:11:25,801 --> 00:11:26,633
He was!
287
00:11:26,701 --> 00:11:27,868
Do you realize that you are
288
00:11:27,936 --> 00:11:29,503
impugning the reputation
of a man that literally
289
00:11:29,570 --> 00:11:30,905
wrote the book
on fidelity in marriage.
290
00:11:30,972 --> 00:11:31,906
You've insulted him,
291
00:11:31,973 --> 00:11:33,174
and frankly, you've insulted me.
292
00:11:33,241 --> 00:11:35,176
No, you know, I see
what's going on here.
293
00:11:35,243 --> 00:11:36,777
You know, you just
projected your frustrations
294
00:11:36,845 --> 00:11:38,846
on to somebody else,
because it's been too long
295
00:11:38,914 --> 00:11:40,281
since you had
your tires rotated.
296
00:11:44,719 --> 00:11:47,455
And I am telling you
that he is a lying,
297
00:11:47,522 --> 00:11:51,259
hypocritical sleaze
who needs to be neutered.
298
00:11:51,326 --> 00:11:52,726
Excuse me,
Frasier.
299
00:11:52,795 --> 00:11:55,629
I think I better
be moving along.
300
00:11:55,697 --> 00:11:57,731
Somehow I've antagonized
Miss Howe.
301
00:11:57,800 --> 00:12:00,334
Rather than provoke any
further embarrassment,
302
00:12:00,402 --> 00:12:01,836
I think it's best
to simply
303
00:12:01,904 --> 00:12:02,937
remove my offending
personality.
304
00:12:03,005 --> 00:12:04,071
Oh, Larry, must you?
305
00:12:04,139 --> 00:12:05,656
No, no, Dr. Crandell, please.
306
00:12:05,724 --> 00:12:07,458
Uh, you see, you got
to understand something
307
00:12:07,525 --> 00:12:09,894
about Rebecca here--
she's had a very difficult
308
00:12:09,962 --> 00:12:11,963
past few... life.
309
00:12:14,299 --> 00:12:17,001
I've sensed some emotional
problems there.
310
00:12:17,069 --> 00:12:19,970
It's a pity.
311
00:12:20,038 --> 00:12:22,323
The nerve of that man
312
00:12:22,391 --> 00:12:24,825
saying I have
an emotional problem.
313
00:12:24,893 --> 00:12:28,829
I'd like to meet him in
a dark alley with a cleaver.
314
00:12:37,072 --> 00:12:38,339
Thank you, sir.
315
00:12:38,406 --> 00:12:39,373
No sirs.
316
00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,008
While we're together,
317
00:12:41,076 --> 00:12:44,745
you're not a chamber maid, and
I'm not a guest in the hotel.
318
00:12:46,114 --> 00:12:49,650
We're just two vibrant
human beings ready
319
00:12:49,718 --> 00:12:52,453
to snatch a moment's pleasure.
320
00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:54,255
I like the way you talk.
321
00:12:55,523 --> 00:12:58,025
Boy, I've never been
in one of these rooms
322
00:12:58,093 --> 00:13:00,160
without my vacuum cleaner
running.
323
00:13:01,412 --> 00:13:03,163
It's so...
324
00:13:03,231 --> 00:13:05,132
um... quiet.
325
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:07,485
It is peaceful,
isn't it?
326
00:13:07,552 --> 00:13:08,586
Oh, yeah.
327
00:13:08,654 --> 00:13:10,554
but you know what's
really amazing about this?
328
00:13:10,622 --> 00:13:14,992
I didn't even realize myself
that I was attracted to you
329
00:13:15,059 --> 00:13:18,062
until you told me
you sensed it.
330
00:13:18,130 --> 00:13:20,364
Well,
331
00:13:20,431 --> 00:13:23,350
human behavior
is pretty much an
open book to me.
332
00:13:23,418 --> 00:13:26,119
There's nothing
I haven't seen or...
333
00:13:26,187 --> 00:13:28,656
or read,
or been told about
334
00:13:28,723 --> 00:13:31,392
or seen pictures of.
335
00:13:31,460 --> 00:13:33,661
Or short films.
336
00:13:37,683 --> 00:13:39,784
Well, bottoms up.
337
00:13:39,851 --> 00:13:41,786
Oh, yes,
oh, God, yes.
338
00:13:44,406 --> 00:13:46,907
( knocking )
339
00:13:46,975 --> 00:13:49,276
Oh, no, if they find me
in here, I'll get fired!
340
00:13:49,344 --> 00:13:51,212
Oh, nonsense.
I'll get rid of them.
341
00:13:54,416 --> 00:13:56,850
( chuckles )
342
00:13:56,918 --> 00:13:59,153
Hi, it's Miss Howe.
May I come in?
343
00:13:59,221 --> 00:14:00,488
Ordinarily I'd say yes,
344
00:14:00,538 --> 00:14:02,023
but you see, I'm expecting
a colleague any minute.
345
00:14:02,090 --> 00:14:03,473
So you see,
it's really not convenient.
346
00:14:03,542 --> 00:14:05,475
I was just thinking
about something you said,
347
00:14:05,544 --> 00:14:07,210
and I wanted
to clarify that.
348
00:14:07,278 --> 00:14:09,330
Terrific.
We'll have lunch tomorrow
and clarify away.
349
00:14:09,398 --> 00:14:10,314
That's a great idea,
350
00:14:10,382 --> 00:14:12,849
but you know,
I have been through
so much stress
351
00:14:12,917 --> 00:14:13,584
and so much anxiety
over this
352
00:14:13,652 --> 00:14:15,702
that I have a terrible,
splitting headache.
353
00:14:15,771 --> 00:14:17,104
Do you have any aspirin?
354
00:14:17,172 --> 00:14:18,021
Aspirin?
355
00:14:18,140 --> 00:14:19,256
Yes, if you give me
an aspirin,
356
00:14:19,324 --> 00:14:20,690
I think it'll get rid
of my headache
357
00:14:20,758 --> 00:14:22,092
and then I can leave
you in peace.
358
00:14:22,160 --> 00:14:23,644
Right, aspirin.
359
00:14:23,711 --> 00:14:24,945
Well, I'll try to find it.
360
00:14:27,882 --> 00:14:29,783
Psst!
361
00:14:29,851 --> 00:14:31,385
Get in there.
362
00:14:31,453 --> 00:14:34,421
This is the stupidest
thing I've ever done.
363
00:14:35,607 --> 00:14:38,642
You do nine stupid things
before breakfast.
364
00:14:39,861 --> 00:14:41,278
Now get in that closet.
365
00:14:41,346 --> 00:14:42,446
Now when...
366
00:14:42,514 --> 00:14:44,297
when he admits
that he came on to me,
367
00:14:44,365 --> 00:14:45,499
I want you to leap out
368
00:14:45,567 --> 00:14:47,118
and catch him
in the act.
369
00:14:47,185 --> 00:14:47,984
And then we'll prove
370
00:14:48,052 --> 00:14:49,469
once and for all
371
00:14:49,537 --> 00:14:52,172
that he is a lech
and I am not cuckoo.
372
00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:53,907
One thing at a time, Rebecca.
373
00:14:55,576 --> 00:14:57,144
CRANDELL:
Two aspirin coming up.
374
00:14:59,847 --> 00:15:01,615
Two tablets, buffered.
375
00:15:01,682 --> 00:15:04,684
I hope they go down well.
376
00:15:04,752 --> 00:15:05,936
Bye-bye.
377
00:15:07,538 --> 00:15:08,472
Dr. Crandell,
378
00:15:09,574 --> 00:15:11,692
it's not really why I'm here.
379
00:15:11,759 --> 00:15:12,626
It's not?
380
00:15:12,694 --> 00:15:14,328
No.
381
00:15:14,396 --> 00:15:18,799
Now, I know
you came on to me
382
00:15:18,866 --> 00:15:21,101
and you know
you came on to me.
383
00:15:21,169 --> 00:15:24,938
But I'm not leaving here
until you admit it.
384
00:15:25,006 --> 00:15:29,042
All right, I admit it,
I came on to you, good night.
385
00:15:29,110 --> 00:15:30,511
Ah-ha.
386
00:15:33,764 --> 00:15:35,499
Ah-ha?
387
00:15:38,536 --> 00:15:41,271
I didn't quite hear that.
388
00:15:41,339 --> 00:15:42,022
Oh, for God's sake,
389
00:15:42,090 --> 00:15:43,240
good night.
390
00:15:43,307 --> 00:15:46,644
Um, please, if you could
just say it a little bit louder
391
00:15:46,711 --> 00:15:47,945
and a little clearer
392
00:15:48,013 --> 00:15:50,414
so that I know that
there's no mistaking it.
393
00:15:50,482 --> 00:15:51,816
All right,
if that will make you happy,
394
00:15:51,883 --> 00:15:54,852
I came on to you,
I came on to you.
395
00:15:54,920 --> 00:15:56,654
You know, I'm beginning
to regret it.
396
00:15:56,721 --> 00:15:58,122
Ah-ha!
397
00:15:58,190 --> 00:16:00,123
Good night, Miss Howe.
398
00:16:00,191 --> 00:16:02,959
You... Sam!
399
00:16:03,027 --> 00:16:04,628
Would you get the hell
out of there?
400
00:16:04,696 --> 00:16:06,430
Sam?
401
00:16:06,498 --> 00:16:07,214
Whoa, boy.
402
00:16:07,365 --> 00:16:11,001
These luxury hotels
have great closets.
403
00:16:16,608 --> 00:16:18,475
Did you hear
what he just said?
404
00:16:18,543 --> 00:16:20,277
Uh, no, I'm sorry,
405
00:16:20,345 --> 00:16:21,679
I sort of had something
in my ear.
406
00:16:27,519 --> 00:16:30,621
You had a woman in here!
407
00:16:31,806 --> 00:16:32,956
Uh, as long as we got that
established,
408
00:16:33,024 --> 00:16:33,790
if you need me again,
409
00:16:33,858 --> 00:16:35,292
I'll be back
by the shoe rack.
410
00:16:35,360 --> 00:16:36,960
Sam!
411
00:16:37,028 --> 00:16:39,062
Remember our mission?
412
00:16:40,432 --> 00:16:41,598
Now listen to me.
413
00:16:41,666 --> 00:16:44,034
This proves that I am not crazy.
414
00:16:44,101 --> 00:16:45,786
This proves that
he is just a lech.
415
00:16:45,853 --> 00:16:46,887
I can explain.
416
00:16:46,955 --> 00:16:49,856
Miss Johnson
is my executive secretary.
417
00:16:49,924 --> 00:16:52,243
We have a great deal
of dictation together.
418
00:16:52,310 --> 00:16:54,811
Now if you'll excuse us.
419
00:16:54,880 --> 00:16:56,313
You sent for a violinist?
420
00:16:59,284 --> 00:17:01,618
A violinist
to do your dictation?
421
00:17:01,686 --> 00:17:04,454
Come on.
Now at least,
422
00:17:04,522 --> 00:17:06,857
for God's sakes,
have the decency
423
00:17:06,925 --> 00:17:09,726
to come clean
and tell Sam the truth.
424
00:17:09,794 --> 00:17:12,429
Oh, all right.
425
00:17:12,497 --> 00:17:14,031
I admit it, it's true.
426
00:17:14,099 --> 00:17:16,367
I've been a very lonely man.
427
00:17:16,434 --> 00:17:18,869
I thought this trip would put
my convictions to the test,
428
00:17:18,937 --> 00:17:21,272
but I'm afraid
I came up lacking.
429
00:17:22,673 --> 00:17:26,259
I'm sorry if I caused you
any pain, Miss Howe.
430
00:17:26,328 --> 00:17:28,562
Well, at least
you finally admitted it.
431
00:17:28,630 --> 00:17:30,230
Yes, I'm glad the
truth is out.
432
00:17:30,298 --> 00:17:32,165
At last,
no more lying.
433
00:17:32,233 --> 00:17:33,934
No more deceit.
434
00:17:34,001 --> 00:17:35,235
( knocking )
435
00:17:35,303 --> 00:17:37,538
WOMAN:
Lawrence?
Guess who?
436
00:17:39,090 --> 00:17:40,658
It's my wife!
Hide!
437
00:17:42,894 --> 00:17:44,595
I'm not going
in a closet.
438
00:17:44,662 --> 00:17:45,812
Oh, come on.
439
00:17:45,880 --> 00:17:47,564
You'll enjoy it.
I'll show you around.
440
00:17:49,167 --> 00:17:50,868
Please, please, you must.
441
00:17:50,935 --> 00:17:51,935
My career is at stake.
442
00:17:52,003 --> 00:17:53,303
So is my marriage.
443
00:17:53,371 --> 00:17:55,405
I've been faithful
to this woman
for 15 years.
444
00:17:55,473 --> 00:17:57,007
Mostly because
she's the scariest bitch
445
00:17:57,075 --> 00:17:58,375
you ever want to meet.
446
00:18:00,278 --> 00:18:02,796
( knocking )
Lawrence, you all right?
447
00:18:02,864 --> 00:18:06,050
I am doing this
for your wife, buster.
448
00:18:06,117 --> 00:18:08,035
Uh, Rebecca, I want you
to meet Maria.
449
00:18:08,103 --> 00:18:09,336
Hi, Maria,
nice to meet you.
450
00:18:09,404 --> 00:18:11,238
What's your name?
Zol...
Hi, I'm Rebecca.
451
00:18:11,306 --> 00:18:13,274
Lawrence?
452
00:18:13,341 --> 00:18:15,309
Yes, coming, coming.
453
00:18:15,377 --> 00:18:19,280
Oh, Valerie.
Darling, what an
enormous surprise!
454
00:18:19,347 --> 00:18:21,315
What took you so long
to answer the door?
455
00:18:21,383 --> 00:18:22,499
Well, it's this
plush carpet.
456
00:18:22,567 --> 00:18:24,834
I caught my little toe.
457
00:18:24,902 --> 00:18:25,802
What brings you here?
458
00:18:25,870 --> 00:18:27,237
Well, when I spoke
to you on the phone
459
00:18:27,305 --> 00:18:29,673
and I heard the hunger
in that voice,
460
00:18:29,741 --> 00:18:32,876
I couldn't bear to
be separated from you
one more minute.
461
00:18:34,245 --> 00:18:36,730
Champagne, Larry?
462
00:18:36,798 --> 00:18:38,999
Oh, yes, they bring it
up every night.
463
00:18:39,066 --> 00:18:41,535
It's a fabulous hotel.
464
00:18:41,603 --> 00:18:42,369
Let's go get
something to eat.
465
00:18:42,520 --> 00:18:43,653
You're not dressed.
466
00:18:43,721 --> 00:18:45,189
Well, we'll go
someplace casual.
467
00:18:45,256 --> 00:18:46,390
Well, at least put
on a coat.
468
00:18:46,458 --> 00:18:47,291
It's cool out.
469
00:18:47,359 --> 00:18:49,759
I'll buy one on the way.
Shall we?
470
00:18:49,827 --> 00:18:51,929
Lawrence,
put on a coat.
471
00:18:51,996 --> 00:18:53,196
Right.
472
00:18:53,264 --> 00:18:55,365
Yes, anything
you say, dear. I'll just
473
00:18:55,433 --> 00:19:00,403
( loud, sing-songy voice ):
go to the closet all by myself.
474
00:19:00,472 --> 00:19:06,276
Get my coat all by myself.
475
00:19:06,344 --> 00:19:08,495
I've never seen you
in that coat.
476
00:19:08,563 --> 00:19:10,064
I just bought it.
477
00:19:10,131 --> 00:19:12,299
If you don't like it,
back it goes.
478
00:19:12,366 --> 00:19:14,518
No, Lawrence, put it on.
479
00:19:14,586 --> 00:19:15,719
Put it on now.
480
00:19:20,992 --> 00:19:23,493
Oh, that tailor.
481
00:19:23,561 --> 00:19:26,696
Well, I'm stopping the payment
on that check!
482
00:19:30,668 --> 00:19:33,103
Oh, I'm famished.
Let's go.
483
00:19:33,171 --> 00:19:35,739
Whoever is in that closet,
come out this instant!
484
00:19:51,589 --> 00:19:54,892
All right,
I want an explanation,
485
00:19:54,959 --> 00:19:56,994
and I want it right this minute.
486
00:19:57,062 --> 00:19:58,395
Otherwise, I am going
to divorce him.
487
00:19:58,462 --> 00:20:00,113
I am going
to take his money,
488
00:20:00,181 --> 00:20:03,133
and I am going to take his
reputation, and his career.
489
00:20:03,201 --> 00:20:05,736
And after that I am going
to do the same for each
490
00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:07,554
and every one of you.
491
00:20:07,622 --> 00:20:11,425
And believe me, I can do it.
492
00:20:11,493 --> 00:20:15,579
So who is going to come forth
with an explanation?
493
00:20:20,068 --> 00:20:25,872
Um, we, uh, we're all here
to change the lightbulbs.
494
00:20:28,709 --> 00:20:30,260
Mrs. Crandell,
I'm going to tell
you the truth.
495
00:20:30,327 --> 00:20:33,296
because I feel that this
has gone on too long.
496
00:20:33,364 --> 00:20:35,699
And as usual, I have to be
497
00:20:35,767 --> 00:20:38,001
the voice of reason.
498
00:20:40,638 --> 00:20:42,806
Forgive me for saying this,
499
00:20:42,874 --> 00:20:46,509
but if I were in your shoes,
I would want to know.
500
00:20:46,577 --> 00:20:50,114
Your husband came on to me
in a local bar.
501
00:20:51,415 --> 00:20:53,884
Do you mean
he propositioned you?
502
00:20:53,952 --> 00:20:58,922
Well, he didn't exactly
proposition me.
503
00:20:58,989 --> 00:21:02,091
Well, what exactly did he do?
504
00:21:02,159 --> 00:21:05,028
He asked me
about my feelings.
505
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:08,632
That is his field, you know.
506
00:21:10,001 --> 00:21:12,970
That isn't all he did.
507
00:21:13,037 --> 00:21:16,873
He rubbed my leg
with his disgusting foot.
508
00:21:16,941 --> 00:21:19,026
She never gets tired
of telling this part.
509
00:21:22,196 --> 00:21:25,231
Yes, yes, I admit it.
510
00:21:25,299 --> 00:21:28,035
I accidentally brushed up
against her leg with my foot.
511
00:21:28,102 --> 00:21:29,870
I apologized profusely.
512
00:21:31,205 --> 00:21:33,574
He did not have his shoe on.
513
00:21:34,743 --> 00:21:36,360
It was hot in there.
514
00:21:36,428 --> 00:21:39,062
Would you believe
the humiliation?
515
00:21:39,130 --> 00:21:41,965
A hole in my $50 hosiery.
516
00:21:42,033 --> 00:21:44,585
Why you filthy...
517
00:21:44,652 --> 00:21:46,253
Okay, fine, fine.
518
00:21:46,320 --> 00:21:48,589
There is a chambermaid
in the room.
519
00:21:48,656 --> 00:21:49,556
Explain it.
520
00:21:49,624 --> 00:21:51,792
A chambermaid in a hotel?
521
00:21:51,860 --> 00:21:54,127
Will wonders never cease.
522
00:21:54,195 --> 00:21:56,613
You know, actually, we're going
to be running along here.
523
00:21:56,681 --> 00:21:58,815
No, we're not going
to be running along.
524
00:21:58,883 --> 00:22:00,183
All right.
525
00:22:00,251 --> 00:22:05,255
How about the fiddler, huh?
526
00:22:05,322 --> 00:22:06,790
I was lonely.
527
00:22:06,858 --> 00:22:09,359
I was going to have him play
our song all night.
528
00:22:09,426 --> 00:22:11,128
All right, all right.
529
00:22:11,195 --> 00:22:14,431
So have your
loving husband explain
530
00:22:14,499 --> 00:22:17,600
why the four of us
were in that closet.
531
00:22:17,668 --> 00:22:20,837
You were there.
You mean you don't know?
532
00:22:20,905 --> 00:22:23,707
Yes, I know.
533
00:22:23,774 --> 00:22:25,609
Because you are
the scariest bitch
534
00:22:25,676 --> 00:22:27,276
we would ever want to meet.
535
00:22:29,113 --> 00:22:33,016
And you are
a little tramp.
536
00:22:33,083 --> 00:22:35,785
Tramp?
537
00:22:35,853 --> 00:22:37,370
Why, I ought to put you...
538
00:22:37,438 --> 00:22:38,939
I'm going
to kill your husband!
539
00:22:39,006 --> 00:22:41,441
I'm going to kill him!
I'm going to kill you!
540
00:22:41,509 --> 00:22:43,176
He's stupid, he's a fraud!
541
00:22:43,243 --> 00:22:44,544
He's a psycho!
He's a...!
542
00:22:44,612 --> 00:22:47,681
I'm going to hunt you down
and kill you like a dog!
543
00:22:48,866 --> 00:22:51,935
And why don't you get yourself
some new socks, buster?!
544
00:22:54,072 --> 00:22:55,905
SAM:
Um...
545
00:22:55,973 --> 00:22:57,974
Uh, I can explain
everything here.
546
00:22:58,042 --> 00:23:00,843
She just wanted to convince me
that she's not crazy.
50246
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