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1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:04,135
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
2
00:00:04,169 --> 00:00:06,554
Hey, everybody!
3
00:00:06,588 --> 00:00:09,891
I have a great new way
to promote the bar.
4
00:00:09,925 --> 00:00:11,960
( others groaning )
REBECCA:
No, no, no, no,
5
00:00:11,994 --> 00:00:14,029
you're gonna like this one;
it's different.
6
00:00:14,063 --> 00:00:16,731
It not only demonstrates
social concern,
7
00:00:16,765 --> 00:00:19,066
but it is also
contemporary and hip.
8
00:00:19,101 --> 00:00:22,604
Now, Cheers is the bar
that cares.
9
00:00:22,638 --> 00:00:25,089
Therefore,
if you are not in condition
10
00:00:25,124 --> 00:00:27,459
to drive yourself home,
we will appoint
11
00:00:27,493 --> 00:00:30,662
a designated driver,
free of charge.
12
00:00:30,696 --> 00:00:32,330
Oh, that's nice,
that's really nice.
13
00:00:34,283 --> 00:00:37,919
So is anybody a little tipsy?
14
00:00:37,953 --> 00:00:40,721
Come on,
don't be ashamed.
15
00:00:40,756 --> 00:00:42,924
Does anybody feel
that they might have
16
00:00:42,958 --> 00:00:46,127
the slightest difficulty
driving themselves home?
17
00:00:46,161 --> 00:00:48,597
I might.
18
00:00:48,631 --> 00:00:50,232
Well, hi. I'm Rebecca Howe.
19
00:00:50,266 --> 00:00:53,235
And I would be happy to
drive you home myself.
20
00:00:53,269 --> 00:00:55,737
That's very nice of you.
Where do you live?
21
00:00:55,771 --> 00:00:57,772
Philadelphia.
22
00:00:59,408 --> 00:01:01,042
Well, what's
your address?
23
00:01:01,076 --> 00:01:04,979
Eh, it's a blue house;
I'll know it when I see it.
24
00:01:06,482 --> 00:01:08,716
( inaudible )
25
00:01:08,751 --> 00:01:13,321
( piano plays )
26
00:01:13,356 --> 00:01:15,957
� Sometimes you want to go
27
00:01:15,991 --> 00:01:21,129
� Where everybody knows
your name �
28
00:01:21,163 --> 00:01:25,566
� And they're always glad
you came �
29
00:01:25,601 --> 00:01:28,203
� You want to be
where you can see �
30
00:01:28,237 --> 00:01:31,039
� Our troubles
are all the same �
31
00:01:31,073 --> 00:01:34,976
� You want to go where
everybody knows your name. �
32
00:01:51,326 --> 00:01:53,111
Frasier?
33
00:01:53,145 --> 00:01:55,713
It's time to take mother
to her hair appointment.
34
00:01:55,748 --> 00:01:57,265
Oh, well,
then we'd better hurry up
35
00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:59,500
before they run out
of her special shade of blue.
36
00:02:01,170 --> 00:02:04,305
Frasier, how many times
have mother and I asked you
37
00:02:04,340 --> 00:02:06,874
to cease and desist
with the snide, clich�,
38
00:02:06,908 --> 00:02:08,242
battle-axe,
mother-in-law jokes?
39
00:02:08,277 --> 00:02:09,978
You know mother's
not like that.
40
00:02:10,012 --> 00:02:11,379
You're right,
dear, I'm sorry.
41
00:02:11,413 --> 00:02:13,848
Uh, I was just trying
to amuse my friends.
42
00:02:13,882 --> 00:02:15,166
Geez, it wasn't
very funny.
43
00:02:15,200 --> 00:02:16,700
CLIFF ( chuckles ):
Well, you-you know
44
00:02:16,735 --> 00:02:18,986
what was funny,
when you said you could hear
45
00:02:19,021 --> 00:02:20,555
her perfume coming a mile away.
46
00:02:20,589 --> 00:02:22,123
NORM:
Yeah, yeah, or the one where
47
00:02:22,157 --> 00:02:24,075
you said, uh, she's
had so many facelifts,
48
00:02:24,109 --> 00:02:27,278
if she wants to smile,
she has to cross her legs.
49
00:02:28,614 --> 00:02:32,417
Lilith, you understand,
it was all in-in good
humor, you know.
50
00:02:32,451 --> 00:02:33,818
Of course.
51
00:02:33,852 --> 00:02:36,421
You know I have
a sense of humor
about mother.
52
00:02:36,455 --> 00:02:37,989
Now, say good-bye
to your friends.
53
00:02:38,023 --> 00:02:40,992
You're grounded for six weeks.
54
00:02:41,026 --> 00:02:43,328
Shoot!
55
00:02:45,063 --> 00:02:47,565
Hey, Sam.
56
00:02:47,600 --> 00:02:49,384
Hey, Woody, what's new?
57
00:02:49,418 --> 00:02:53,221
Well, nothing much.
58
00:02:53,255 --> 00:02:55,056
Oh, your car alarm's
going off.
59
00:02:55,090 --> 00:02:57,041
What? Someone's
breaking in my car
60
00:02:57,075 --> 00:02:59,277
and you don't run in here
to tell me?
61
00:02:59,311 --> 00:03:01,279
We're not talking
about any car here, man,
62
00:03:01,313 --> 00:03:02,547
we're talking about my 'Vette!
63
00:03:02,581 --> 00:03:04,149
It's a classic,
it's irreplaceable!
64
00:03:04,183 --> 00:03:07,585
Hey, why don't you come
in and sit down here.
65
00:03:09,054 --> 00:03:10,821
Sam, what about your alarm?
66
00:03:10,856 --> 00:03:13,658
Well, you're taking care of
that, Woody, aren't you?
67
00:03:13,692 --> 00:03:15,026
I was?
68
00:03:15,060 --> 00:03:18,395
Oh, I must be off
in another world.
69
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:22,433
Sammy's done it again.
70
00:03:22,467 --> 00:03:25,519
How come he always spots
the gorgeous ones first?
71
00:03:25,554 --> 00:03:30,175
'Cause he doesn't spend
all his time peeling
dead skin off his elbows?
72
00:03:33,645 --> 00:03:36,847
What, are you gonna
do it for me?
73
00:03:38,433 --> 00:03:40,468
So, how can I help you?
74
00:03:40,503 --> 00:03:42,069
I'm looking for Becky Howe.
75
00:03:42,104 --> 00:03:44,205
Wow, well, Becky'll
be here in a minute.
76
00:03:44,239 --> 00:03:46,641
In the meantime, can
I interest you in a...
77
00:03:46,675 --> 00:03:48,476
Sam Malone?
78
00:03:48,510 --> 00:03:49,744
No, thanks.
79
00:03:49,778 --> 00:03:51,946
But I will have
a Perrier with lime.
Ah.
80
00:03:51,981 --> 00:03:53,964
Sworn off the hard stuff, huh?
81
00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:56,700
Coming right up.
82
00:03:56,735 --> 00:03:57,868
Sam.
Yeah?
83
00:03:57,903 --> 00:03:59,370
It was nothing.
Oh, thanks.
84
00:03:59,405 --> 00:04:02,373
Hey, listen, you know that girl
you were talking to?
Yep.
85
00:04:02,408 --> 00:04:04,342
I swear I've seen her
someplace before.
86
00:04:04,376 --> 00:04:06,977
Well, she asked for Rebecca.
Called her Becky.
87
00:04:07,012 --> 00:04:08,279
Must be old friends.
88
00:04:08,313 --> 00:04:10,381
Yeah, that could explain a lot.
89
00:04:10,416 --> 00:04:11,883
What's that supposed to mean?
90
00:04:11,917 --> 00:04:13,351
CLIFF:
Well, figure it out.
91
00:04:13,385 --> 00:04:14,919
Rebecca, who doesn't date,
92
00:04:14,954 --> 00:04:18,156
suddenly has this
good-looking friend show up.
93
00:04:18,190 --> 00:04:20,291
A slender, boyish,
94
00:04:20,325 --> 00:04:23,494
female friend,
with whom she probably, uh,
95
00:04:23,528 --> 00:04:28,432
sunbathed nude somewhere,
perhaps on the Isle of Lesbos.
96
00:04:29,951 --> 00:04:33,187
They ever get the tests back
on that dog that bit you?
97
00:04:36,525 --> 00:04:39,527
So, uh, where do you
know Becky from?
98
00:04:39,561 --> 00:04:42,229
She's my sister.
I'm Susan Howe.
99
00:04:42,264 --> 00:04:43,698
You're sisters?!
100
00:04:43,732 --> 00:04:45,333
Well, of course!
101
00:04:45,367 --> 00:04:46,567
God, I love sisters!
102
00:04:46,602 --> 00:04:50,505
I love the whole idea
of sisters.
103
00:04:50,539 --> 00:04:52,273
Well, any sister
of Rebecca is a...
104
00:04:52,308 --> 00:04:53,908
Are there any
more of you?
105
00:04:53,943 --> 00:04:55,576
Uh, afraid not.
106
00:04:55,610 --> 00:04:57,511
Well, no, that's...
You're more than enough.
107
00:04:57,546 --> 00:04:59,613
( laughs ):
Oh, wow!
108
00:04:59,648 --> 00:05:01,399
( whispers ):
Sam, come here.
109
00:05:01,433 --> 00:05:02,500
Let me tell
you something.
110
00:05:02,534 --> 00:05:03,701
Excuse me. What?
111
00:05:03,735 --> 00:05:05,536
I just remembered who she is.
112
00:05:05,571 --> 00:05:07,371
That's Susan Howe.
113
00:05:07,406 --> 00:05:08,939
I know, she's
Rebecca's sister.
114
00:05:08,974 --> 00:05:12,176
No, the actress-- I saw her
in Night of the Mutants.
115
00:05:13,712 --> 00:05:17,014
What, is that a movie,
or your family reunion?
116
00:05:18,183 --> 00:05:20,050
A movie, Carla.
117
00:05:21,553 --> 00:05:23,821
I don't remember, uh,
Rebecca saying anything
118
00:05:23,855 --> 00:05:25,923
about having a sister who
was in a horror movie.
119
00:05:25,957 --> 00:05:27,658
Are you sure about that?
120
00:05:27,692 --> 00:05:29,727
Let me check.
121
00:05:29,761 --> 00:05:31,429
Yeah.
122
00:05:35,167 --> 00:05:37,067
Yeah, I'm pretty sure.
123
00:05:37,102 --> 00:05:39,237
You know, if she had
another, smaller head
124
00:05:39,271 --> 00:05:42,240
growing out of her neck,
I'd be positive.
125
00:05:42,274 --> 00:05:43,807
I got to check this out.
126
00:05:43,842 --> 00:05:48,045
Hey, ask her if
they let her keep
the little head.
127
00:05:50,215 --> 00:05:54,385
Sorry about that.
Uh, bar business.
128
00:05:54,419 --> 00:05:55,903
So, what brings you to Boston?
129
00:05:55,937 --> 00:05:57,705
I'm shooting a bank commercial.
130
00:05:57,740 --> 00:05:58,906
Oh, I was right!
131
00:05:58,940 --> 00:06:01,609
You are Susan Howe,
the actress.
132
00:06:01,643 --> 00:06:04,044
I loved you in that
two-headed movie.
133
00:06:04,079 --> 00:06:05,413
Oh, which one?
I did two of them.
134
00:06:05,447 --> 00:06:07,615
Was it the one where the head
was coming out of my neck?
135
00:06:07,649 --> 00:06:08,983
Uh, yeah, that's the one.
136
00:06:09,017 --> 00:06:11,752
Oh, thank goodness,
because the other one
I am not proud of.
137
00:06:11,787 --> 00:06:13,854
Oh.
138
00:06:13,889 --> 00:06:18,759
Well, so, you're, uh,
you're here to see Becky, huh?
139
00:06:18,794 --> 00:06:21,662
How long has it been
since the two of you
saw each other?
140
00:06:21,697 --> 00:06:23,398
Ooh, it must be three years.
141
00:06:23,432 --> 00:06:25,400
We had a little... falling out.
142
00:06:25,434 --> 00:06:29,103
I only hope we're grown up
enough now to kiss and make up.
143
00:06:29,137 --> 00:06:32,206
Grown-up sisters,
kissing and making up.
144
00:06:32,240 --> 00:06:34,842
That warms my cockles.
( chuckles )
145
00:06:36,545 --> 00:06:40,247
Let's get you two gals
back together, shall we?
146
00:06:40,282 --> 00:06:42,317
Will you excuse me
just a minute here?
147
00:06:44,286 --> 00:06:46,921
CLIFF:
So, uh, what's the bone, Jerome?
148
00:06:46,955 --> 00:06:49,757
Any late-breaking
bulletins here?
Yeah, oh, yeah.
149
00:06:49,791 --> 00:06:51,892
I think I'm on to something
here, fellas.
150
00:06:51,927 --> 00:06:54,645
Carla, you hate your
sister, don't you?
151
00:06:54,680 --> 00:06:57,132
Sure, why?
152
00:06:57,166 --> 00:06:58,566
Well, what would I have to do
153
00:06:58,601 --> 00:07:00,468
to get the two of you
back together again?
154
00:07:00,503 --> 00:07:04,656
Simple, Sam, ask me to come down
and identify her body.
155
00:07:06,308 --> 00:07:07,508
She's missing the point.
156
00:07:07,542 --> 00:07:09,844
Can you imagine what
the reward might be
157
00:07:09,878 --> 00:07:13,114
for anybody who would act as
a peacemaker between these two
158
00:07:13,148 --> 00:07:17,185
tragically estranged
but perky-bottomed sisters?
159
00:07:17,219 --> 00:07:18,169
Ah...
160
00:07:18,203 --> 00:07:21,539
To Sammy, the man who
keeps the dream alive.
161
00:07:21,573 --> 00:07:23,241
CARLA:
Wait a minute.
162
00:07:23,275 --> 00:07:25,343
What makes you think you
can get the both of them?
163
00:07:25,377 --> 00:07:28,513
It's taken you two years
to get a polite kick in
the teeth from number one.
164
00:07:28,547 --> 00:07:30,965
( chuckling ):
Carla, Carla, Carla.
165
00:07:31,000 --> 00:07:35,185
Am I gonna have to teach you
about women?
166
00:07:37,406 --> 00:07:40,007
Yeah, Cliff, why don't you?
167
00:07:41,042 --> 00:07:43,044
Nah, you better take
this one, Sammy.
168
00:07:43,078 --> 00:07:45,480
I don't want to hog
the spotlight.
169
00:07:45,514 --> 00:07:47,515
Carla...
170
00:07:47,549 --> 00:07:50,317
I know you don't have a lot
of experience with this,
171
00:07:50,352 --> 00:07:53,721
but sometimes women
get... really happy.
172
00:07:53,755 --> 00:07:56,023
And when that happens,
173
00:07:56,057 --> 00:07:59,059
they get all emotional
and vulnerable.
174
00:07:59,094 --> 00:08:01,529
And that's when it's time
for a fella like me,
175
00:08:01,563 --> 00:08:03,464
who's very sensitive
and caring, to move in
176
00:08:03,499 --> 00:08:07,201
and give new meaning to the
words, "triple-decker Sam-ich."
177
00:08:07,235 --> 00:08:08,402
NORM:
Hey, hey!
178
00:08:08,436 --> 00:08:10,037
CLIFF:
Hey, hey!
179
00:08:10,071 --> 00:08:11,606
Hey!
All right!
180
00:08:11,640 --> 00:08:14,108
So, Cliff...
Huh?
181
00:08:14,142 --> 00:08:15,877
tell me more about women.
182
00:08:18,397 --> 00:08:20,865
Well, all right here, uh...
183
00:08:20,899 --> 00:08:23,735
They're warm and soft, and...
184
00:08:23,769 --> 00:08:25,002
( sighs )
185
00:08:25,036 --> 00:08:26,971
...when they wash their cars,
they're dressed
186
00:08:27,005 --> 00:08:30,641
in nothing but suds,
a suntan and a cowboy hat.
187
00:08:33,062 --> 00:08:36,380
Sorry, I must have drifted away
there for a second.
188
00:08:40,218 --> 00:08:41,602
( sighs ):
So...
189
00:08:41,637 --> 00:08:43,004
Oh, whoa, wait,
wait, wait.
190
00:08:43,038 --> 00:08:44,672
I've got a
surprise for you.
191
00:08:44,706 --> 00:08:47,274
Sam, move your hand; your
cologne is stinging my eyes.
192
00:08:47,308 --> 00:08:49,026
Come here, come here,
there's someone waiting
193
00:08:49,061 --> 00:08:51,829
to see you, and
you're never gonna
guess who it is.
194
00:08:51,863 --> 00:08:54,031
Careful, careful.
You are gonna love this.
195
00:08:54,066 --> 00:08:56,968
Ta-da!
196
00:08:58,270 --> 00:08:59,736
Susan.
197
00:09:01,139 --> 00:09:02,606
What are you doing here?
198
00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:04,575
I wanted to see you.
199
00:09:04,609 --> 00:09:06,677
Well, now
you've seen me.
200
00:09:06,711 --> 00:09:09,480
Yep, yep, there you are.
201
00:09:10,648 --> 00:09:14,285
Boy, oh, boy,
is this a moment.
202
00:09:14,319 --> 00:09:16,087
Yeah, I was here on a job,
203
00:09:16,121 --> 00:09:18,856
and I thought I'd drop in
and say hello.
204
00:09:18,890 --> 00:09:19,673
Hello.
205
00:09:19,708 --> 00:09:21,058
Good-bye.
206
00:09:21,092 --> 00:09:22,276
Fine, I tried.
207
00:09:22,310 --> 00:09:23,644
You are obviously
not interested.
208
00:09:23,678 --> 00:09:25,813
Obviously.
No, no!
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
209
00:09:25,848 --> 00:09:27,248
Come back here.
Listen, listen.
210
00:09:27,282 --> 00:09:29,283
You know what's happening here,
you're both so excited
211
00:09:29,317 --> 00:09:32,186
to see each other that you're
getting all tensed up here.
212
00:09:32,221 --> 00:09:34,355
I think what we need to do
is put ourselves
213
00:09:34,389 --> 00:09:36,323
into a little bit
of a more relaxed situation.
214
00:09:36,358 --> 00:09:37,992
I know this hot tub club
215
00:09:38,026 --> 00:09:39,493
where we can get
group rates.
216
00:09:39,527 --> 00:09:41,162
I'm kidding,
I'm kidding about that.
217
00:09:41,196 --> 00:09:43,430
What we should do is,
we should go upstairs,
218
00:09:43,465 --> 00:09:46,200
and we should have lunch
at Melville's.
219
00:09:46,235 --> 00:09:48,836
Just the three of us.
What do you say? My treat.
220
00:09:48,871 --> 00:09:51,072
Well, I did come here
to make up.
221
00:09:51,106 --> 00:09:52,340
Huh?
222
00:09:52,374 --> 00:09:54,158
I did skip breakfast.
223
00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:56,126
All right!
That's the spirit!
224
00:09:56,161 --> 00:09:59,263
Family! That's what made
this country great.
225
00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:01,031
Come on.
226
00:10:03,768 --> 00:10:05,135
Sam...
Yes?
227
00:10:05,170 --> 00:10:06,704
why are you so
desperate to see my
sister and I make up?
228
00:10:06,738 --> 00:10:08,573
I mean, what
is it to you?
229
00:10:08,607 --> 00:10:11,309
Is this another stupid
ploy to get me into bed?
230
00:10:11,343 --> 00:10:13,143
Oh, come on, Rebecca,
don't be ridiculous!
231
00:10:13,178 --> 00:10:15,479
I'm thinking of both of you.
232
00:10:27,025 --> 00:10:29,460
This is nice.
233
00:10:29,494 --> 00:10:30,994
Rebecca, I can't finish
my filet.
234
00:10:31,029 --> 00:10:32,063
Do you want the rest?
235
00:10:32,097 --> 00:10:34,365
Why, do you want me to get fat?
236
00:10:34,399 --> 00:10:35,566
Oh, come on,
237
00:10:35,600 --> 00:10:38,502
you have not been fat
since you were 12 years old.
238
00:10:38,537 --> 00:10:40,704
Of course, you were
the Goodyear blimp then.
239
00:10:42,340 --> 00:10:44,892
At least when I gave
my "I am an American" speech
240
00:10:44,926 --> 00:10:47,361
at the Flag Day assembly,
I did not wet myself.
241
00:10:48,797 --> 00:10:50,430
Rebecca, I was six.
242
00:10:50,465 --> 00:10:51,666
But she did, Sam, she did.
243
00:10:51,700 --> 00:10:52,833
Shut up.
You shut up.
244
00:10:52,868 --> 00:10:54,518
No, you shut up.
No, you shut up!
245
00:10:54,553 --> 00:10:56,571
Shut up...!
246
00:11:02,378 --> 00:11:05,045
This is nice.
247
00:11:05,080 --> 00:11:07,215
You know, I really don't think
this was such a good idea, Sam.
248
00:11:07,249 --> 00:11:08,716
And I hope you'll
excuse me, Susan,
249
00:11:08,750 --> 00:11:10,417
if I don't clean
your table scraps.
250
00:11:10,452 --> 00:11:12,519
Oh, wait a minute, sit down,
will you, pl...?
251
00:11:12,554 --> 00:11:14,521
Girls, girls, girls,
what is the big problem
252
00:11:14,556 --> 00:11:16,123
between you two anyway?
253
00:11:16,158 --> 00:11:18,592
Sam, it is one of those
complicated issues
254
00:11:18,626 --> 00:11:21,762
that you can't just pin down
into one certain thing.
255
00:11:21,796 --> 00:11:23,197
Well, try.
256
00:11:23,232 --> 00:11:24,749
( sighs ):
All right.
257
00:11:24,783 --> 00:11:26,250
Dan Buddinger.
258
00:11:27,268 --> 00:11:29,536
Mike Dietz, Jeff Carnahan,
259
00:11:29,571 --> 00:11:32,055
Ron Allen, Steve
Melman, Terry Toban,
260
00:11:32,090 --> 00:11:33,924
Clay Fisher...
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
261
00:11:33,958 --> 00:11:36,577
Does this have anything to do
with boy trouble?
262
00:11:36,612 --> 00:11:40,430
Yes. The trouble is, she can't
keep her hands off my boys.
263
00:11:40,465 --> 00:11:43,233
If it bothered you that much why
didn't you just take them back?
264
00:11:43,267 --> 00:11:46,420
Because I didn't want to stoop
to your level!
265
00:11:46,455 --> 00:11:50,808
Besides, I tried
and it didn't work.
266
00:11:50,842 --> 00:11:53,777
Look, the point is,
that was back when we were kids.
267
00:11:53,812 --> 00:11:55,145
A million things have changed.
268
00:11:55,179 --> 00:11:56,947
No, no, no,
the fact still remains
269
00:11:56,982 --> 00:11:59,216
that every time
I am attracted to a guy,
270
00:11:59,250 --> 00:12:01,284
you are on him
like white on rice.
271
00:12:01,319 --> 00:12:03,687
So excuse me if I
don't leap over there
272
00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,773
and say forgive me,
please, please, please,
273
00:12:05,808 --> 00:12:07,141
for breaking
my heart over
274
00:12:07,175 --> 00:12:08,375
and over and over and over.
275
00:12:08,410 --> 00:12:10,478
Excuse me,
I have to get out of here.
276
00:12:10,512 --> 00:12:12,980
I have work to do.
277
00:12:13,932 --> 00:12:17,067
Sam, I'm sorry
you had to see that.
278
00:12:17,101 --> 00:12:19,153
Well, that's okay.
279
00:12:19,187 --> 00:12:22,507
I don't think it was
fair for Rebecca to say
280
00:12:22,541 --> 00:12:26,511
that you tried to
steal every guy she
ever got interested in.
281
00:12:26,545 --> 00:12:28,779
But I'm warning you
right now, missy,
282
00:12:28,814 --> 00:12:31,498
you better not
try that with me.
283
00:12:33,034 --> 00:12:35,336
Oh, Rebecca's interested in you?
284
00:12:35,370 --> 00:12:37,204
Are you kidding me?
285
00:12:37,238 --> 00:12:39,273
She's got a big old
crush on me.
286
00:12:39,308 --> 00:12:43,344
Well, I am glad to see
she hasn't lost her good taste.
287
00:12:43,378 --> 00:12:46,814
Well, that's very sweet
of you to say that.
288
00:12:46,848 --> 00:12:48,783
More wine?
289
00:12:50,652 --> 00:12:53,287
This is nice.
This is very nice.
290
00:13:02,648 --> 00:13:05,082
I snuck out of the house.
291
00:13:05,117 --> 00:13:07,317
So don't tell Lilith.
292
00:13:07,352 --> 00:13:08,519
Gee, where's Sam?
293
00:13:08,553 --> 00:13:09,987
Oh, he'll be
here any minute.
294
00:13:10,022 --> 00:13:12,756
He's still up having lunch with
Miss Howe's sister, Miss Howe.
295
00:13:12,791 --> 00:13:15,575
Oh, you mean Rebecca's sister's
in town.
296
00:13:15,610 --> 00:13:18,228
Susan Howe,
the, uh, movie star.
297
00:13:18,263 --> 00:13:20,248
You mean, the Susan Howe,
298
00:13:20,282 --> 00:13:22,083
the star of
Night of the Mutants?
299
00:13:23,818 --> 00:13:25,269
Wow.
You saw it?
300
00:13:25,303 --> 00:13:27,905
Well, yes. Lilith and I
rented it last week.
301
00:13:27,939 --> 00:13:28,706
Oh, really?
302
00:13:28,740 --> 00:13:31,125
You two don't seem
the slasher-movie type.
303
00:13:31,159 --> 00:13:33,310
Oh, well, purely for scientific
purposes of course.
304
00:13:33,345 --> 00:13:34,778
But, you know,
this may surprise you--
305
00:13:34,812 --> 00:13:36,313
I rather enjoyed it.
306
00:13:36,348 --> 00:13:37,348
See, I think films with scenes
307
00:13:37,382 --> 00:13:40,017
of graphic disembowelment
and mutilation
308
00:13:40,051 --> 00:13:42,052
can, in some cases,
help people to,
309
00:13:42,086 --> 00:13:44,421
well, release some of the fears
and aggressions
310
00:13:44,456 --> 00:13:46,390
of modern society.
311
00:13:46,424 --> 00:13:47,891
Also, it's the first time
Lilith's mother
312
00:13:47,925 --> 00:13:50,727
went home before 9:00...
screaming.
313
00:13:52,930 --> 00:13:55,166
Hey, everybody.
314
00:13:55,200 --> 00:13:59,470
Oh, Miss Howe, I'm
Dr. Frasier Crane.
315
00:13:59,504 --> 00:14:00,904
My wife and I
rented your film
316
00:14:00,938 --> 00:14:02,839
Night of the Mutantslast week, and, uh,
317
00:14:02,874 --> 00:14:04,709
well, I was wondering, um...
318
00:14:04,743 --> 00:14:05,943
could I have your autograph?
319
00:14:05,977 --> 00:14:07,077
Ah...
Sure.
320
00:14:07,111 --> 00:14:07,995
Thank you.
321
00:14:08,029 --> 00:14:09,346
Uh, I tell you what,
322
00:14:09,380 --> 00:14:10,881
just make it out to
323
00:14:10,916 --> 00:14:13,484
"Mother Sternin."
324
00:14:15,420 --> 00:14:20,358
And say, if you would,
"I know where you live
325
00:14:20,392 --> 00:14:21,893
and I'm going to get you."
326
00:14:24,963 --> 00:14:28,132
Hey, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy,
what's the skinny, huh?
327
00:14:28,166 --> 00:14:30,134
Yeah, what's the score?
Two to one?
328
00:14:30,168 --> 00:14:33,487
Guys, guys,
I know I've accomplished
329
00:14:33,521 --> 00:14:36,824
some truly legendary
feats in my day,
330
00:14:36,858 --> 00:14:39,927
but this...
this is my masterpiece.
331
00:14:39,961 --> 00:14:42,562
This is my Moaning Lisa.
332
00:14:42,597 --> 00:14:43,563
( chuckling )
333
00:14:43,598 --> 00:14:45,633
Okay, tell me:
what's the plan
334
00:14:45,667 --> 00:14:47,167
and how are we involved?
335
00:14:47,201 --> 00:14:49,369
Well, here it is
and you're not.
336
00:14:51,372 --> 00:14:54,775
Turns out that these two sisters
are very competitive--
337
00:14:54,809 --> 00:14:56,677
especially when it come to guys.
338
00:14:56,711 --> 00:14:58,712
So all I had to do was
let the little one know
339
00:14:58,747 --> 00:15:00,580
that the big one
had the hots for me
340
00:15:00,615 --> 00:15:04,284
and bingo, she was eating
out of my hand.
341
00:15:04,318 --> 00:15:05,886
Was she wearing
a cowboy hat?
342
00:15:08,189 --> 00:15:09,857
It's a figure of speech,
Cliffie.
343
00:15:09,891 --> 00:15:11,525
Well, she could have been.
344
00:15:12,894 --> 00:15:14,628
What I need to do now
is make sure
345
00:15:14,663 --> 00:15:16,930
that the big one knows that
the little one is interested
346
00:15:16,965 --> 00:15:19,499
and I will be ping-ponging
between the two of them
347
00:15:19,534 --> 00:15:22,169
until they bury me
with a smile on my face.
348
00:15:22,203 --> 00:15:23,370
( chuckling )
349
00:15:23,404 --> 00:15:27,474
No, please stop.
I'm too young to die.
350
00:15:27,508 --> 00:15:30,544
( screams )
351
00:15:30,578 --> 00:15:32,012
Breathtaking!
352
00:15:34,732 --> 00:15:36,700
Thanks. You guys
are a great audience.
353
00:15:36,734 --> 00:15:38,402
What'd I miss?
354
00:15:38,436 --> 00:15:40,187
Have you had her scream for you,
Sam?
355
00:15:40,221 --> 00:15:41,889
Later, Woody. Later.
356
00:15:44,225 --> 00:15:46,660
Okay, uh, let's
see, the plan is
357
00:15:46,695 --> 00:15:49,296
that I meet you back here
at closing time, right?
358
00:15:49,330 --> 00:15:50,463
Yeah, can't wait.
359
00:15:50,498 --> 00:15:51,799
Yeah.
See you then.
360
00:15:51,833 --> 00:15:53,000
Oh, boy.
361
00:15:53,034 --> 00:15:54,485
Yeah, it's not fair.
362
00:15:54,519 --> 00:15:56,487
All the chicks
in that family
363
00:15:56,521 --> 00:15:58,355
are loaded
with great faces,
364
00:15:58,389 --> 00:15:59,790
hair, bods.
365
00:15:59,825 --> 00:16:01,659
What'd my family get?
366
00:16:01,693 --> 00:16:04,161
Look at the bright
side, Carla.
367
00:16:04,195 --> 00:16:07,397
Probably takes them hours
to get ready every morning,
368
00:16:07,432 --> 00:16:09,333
whereas you look
the same with or
without makeup,
369
00:16:09,367 --> 00:16:11,869
and your hair
practically combs itself.
370
00:16:15,907 --> 00:16:18,074
Thanks, Woody.
371
00:16:18,109 --> 00:16:21,044
Never hurts to spread
a little sunshine.
372
00:16:23,415 --> 00:16:24,348
( knocking on door )
373
00:16:26,051 --> 00:16:27,751
Hi.
Hi.
374
00:16:27,785 --> 00:16:29,219
So, what is it?
375
00:16:29,253 --> 00:16:31,321
Well, um, I don't...
376
00:16:31,355 --> 00:16:33,023
I don't want
to get in the middle
377
00:16:33,058 --> 00:16:34,858
of a family squabble, but...
378
00:16:34,893 --> 00:16:37,160
your sister
just asked me out.
379
00:16:37,195 --> 00:16:39,563
She what?!
380
00:16:39,597 --> 00:16:41,965
Yeah, is that the craziest
thing, or what?
381
00:16:41,999 --> 00:16:44,601
She obviously thinks
that I'm attracted to you.
382
00:16:44,636 --> 00:16:46,570
Oh, come on,
why would she think that?
383
00:16:46,604 --> 00:16:48,689
I don't know;
did you say something?
384
00:16:48,723 --> 00:16:49,906
Me? Come o...
385
00:16:49,940 --> 00:16:53,877
What would I have to gain
by saying something like that?
386
00:16:53,911 --> 00:16:55,446
Man, this makes
me so furious!
387
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:57,348
She comes out here
and she says that she's sorry
388
00:16:57,382 --> 00:16:58,482
and she wants to make up for it,
389
00:16:58,516 --> 00:17:00,183
and then the second
my back is turned,
390
00:17:00,218 --> 00:17:02,753
she comes onto the guy
she thinks is my boyfriend.
391
00:17:02,787 --> 00:17:04,655
If there's just something
you could do
392
00:17:04,689 --> 00:17:05,989
to get back at her.
393
00:17:07,141 --> 00:17:08,842
What could we do,
what could we do,
394
00:17:08,876 --> 00:17:11,412
what could we do?
395
00:17:14,198 --> 00:17:16,233
Did you say that you'd
go out with her?
396
00:17:16,267 --> 00:17:18,469
Yeah, but I could kick myself
for that.
397
00:17:18,503 --> 00:17:19,603
That was perfect.
398
00:17:19,637 --> 00:17:20,938
Sit down here a second.
399
00:17:20,972 --> 00:17:23,274
You know how you've always
wanted to go out with me?
400
00:17:23,308 --> 00:17:24,308
Yeah.
401
00:17:24,342 --> 00:17:26,310
Well, now your wish is
going to come true.
402
00:17:26,344 --> 00:17:28,045
You break that date
with my sister,
403
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:29,980
and I will go
out with you.
404
00:17:30,014 --> 00:17:31,782
Oh. Oh, boy.
405
00:17:31,816 --> 00:17:33,417
That is vicious,
406
00:17:33,452 --> 00:17:34,268
but she asked for it.
407
00:17:34,386 --> 00:17:35,386
And, Sam?
Yeah?
408
00:17:35,420 --> 00:17:37,354
Thank you.
Oh, you kidding me?
409
00:17:37,389 --> 00:17:38,689
Come on,
what are friends for?
410
00:17:45,630 --> 00:17:47,565
( register rings )
411
00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:48,632
Well, fellas...
412
00:17:48,667 --> 00:17:49,967
at this very moment,
413
00:17:50,001 --> 00:17:51,702
Rebecca Howe is in her house
414
00:17:51,736 --> 00:17:53,671
spending two hours
getting into an outfit
415
00:17:53,705 --> 00:17:56,173
she's going to spend two minutes
getting out of.
416
00:17:56,207 --> 00:17:58,375
Hey, what are you going to
do about that sister, huh?
417
00:17:58,409 --> 00:18:00,844
Oh, I already made a phone call
to postpone our date.
418
00:18:00,879 --> 00:18:02,245
Oh, you going to take her out
tomorrow night?
419
00:18:02,280 --> 00:18:04,381
No, I'm going to take her out
in a couple of hours.
420
00:18:05,450 --> 00:18:06,784
No, don't worry.
421
00:18:06,818 --> 00:18:08,017
We'll be back here
in the morning
422
00:18:08,052 --> 00:18:09,219
for our usual debriefing.
423
00:18:09,254 --> 00:18:12,021
By that time, I'll be able
to compare and contrast them.
424
00:18:12,056 --> 00:18:13,957
And that's when this stuff
gets really interesting.
425
00:18:13,992 --> 00:18:15,626
Yeah.
426
00:18:15,660 --> 00:18:16,727
Sammy?
Yeah?
427
00:18:16,761 --> 00:18:19,730
Sorry I was a little hard
on you before, but you know,
428
00:18:19,764 --> 00:18:21,481
I was just trying
to make you reach.
429
00:18:21,516 --> 00:18:23,517
Push out the edges
of the envelope.
430
00:18:23,551 --> 00:18:25,385
CLIFF:
We're all proud
of you, Sammy.
431
00:18:25,420 --> 00:18:27,921
God bless you on this night,
Sam Malone.
432
00:18:38,749 --> 00:18:41,084
Oh. At la...
433
00:18:41,119 --> 00:18:42,786
Susan.
434
00:18:42,788 --> 00:18:43,553
Oh, Sam,
435
00:18:43,587 --> 00:18:45,355
I know
you put off our date,
436
00:18:45,390 --> 00:18:46,390
but I just couldn't wait
437
00:18:46,424 --> 00:18:50,059
to see you.
You're all I've been
438
00:18:50,094 --> 00:18:51,861
thinking about today.
439
00:18:51,896 --> 00:18:53,797
Is there someplace private
we can go
440
00:18:53,831 --> 00:18:56,099
for a few minutes where I can...
441
00:18:56,133 --> 00:18:58,769
touch you and hold you?
442
00:18:58,803 --> 00:19:01,605
Um, usually I go
for this stuff in a big way,
443
00:19:01,639 --> 00:19:03,340
but at the moment...
444
00:19:03,374 --> 00:19:05,442
I'm in a little bit
of a time jam here.
445
00:19:05,476 --> 00:19:08,144
Oh, I'm so in the mood.
446
00:19:08,179 --> 00:19:13,417
And I am so good
when I am in the mood.
447
00:19:13,451 --> 00:19:15,251
Would you excuse me
for a second?
448
00:19:15,286 --> 00:19:17,487
I got to make a
quick phone call.
449
00:19:17,522 --> 00:19:19,289
I'll be right back.
450
00:19:24,629 --> 00:19:26,913
Oh, come on, Rebecca, pick up,
pick up, pick up, please.
451
00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:29,900
Pick up, pick
up, pick up.
452
00:19:34,072 --> 00:19:36,806
As long as you're not going
to be talking with those lips...
453
00:19:36,841 --> 00:19:38,942
( groaning )
( provocative chuckle )
454
00:19:38,977 --> 00:19:41,144
( both moaning and chuckling )
455
00:19:41,179 --> 00:19:42,412
Oh...
456
00:19:42,446 --> 00:19:44,181
( both continue moaning )
457
00:19:45,850 --> 00:19:47,817
Sam, I'm ready
for our date.
458
00:19:47,852 --> 00:19:49,253
Susan!
459
00:19:49,287 --> 00:19:51,121
Uh, Rebecca, I
can explain this.
460
00:19:51,155 --> 00:19:52,489
Wait, just... Ow.
461
00:19:52,524 --> 00:19:54,024
My finger's caught
in your bra.
462
00:19:55,677 --> 00:19:57,210
Listen...
463
00:19:57,245 --> 00:19:59,312
You don't owe me
an explanation.
464
00:19:59,347 --> 00:20:00,848
It's Susan.
465
00:20:00,882 --> 00:20:02,733
It's always been Susan.
466
00:20:02,767 --> 00:20:05,135
My entire life,
it has been Susan.
467
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:06,203
I'm glad you saw us.
468
00:20:06,237 --> 00:20:07,838
You deserve to be hurt.
469
00:20:07,872 --> 00:20:09,523
Oh, no, sister.
Come on.
470
00:20:09,557 --> 00:20:12,726
I don't hurt anymore;
I am way beyond hurt.
471
00:20:12,760 --> 00:20:14,661
Don't be silly, now, girls,
please, please.
472
00:20:14,696 --> 00:20:18,482
And now it is Susan Howe's turn
to hurt.
473
00:20:18,516 --> 00:20:21,601
( gasping )
Hey, that's a gun.
474
00:20:21,636 --> 00:20:23,454
It ain't licorice.
475
00:20:23,488 --> 00:20:24,304
No, come on, let...
476
00:20:24,422 --> 00:20:25,522
Let's talk about this.
477
00:20:25,556 --> 00:20:26,790
Now, this is silly.
478
00:20:26,824 --> 00:20:28,658
No, please,
I'm too young to die.
479
00:20:28,692 --> 00:20:30,109
Rebecca.
( Susan screaming )
480
00:20:30,144 --> 00:20:32,145
( gunshot )
Oh...!
481
00:20:32,180 --> 00:20:33,897
Holy cow!
482
00:20:35,833 --> 00:20:37,918
That was for Dan Buddinger.
483
00:20:37,952 --> 00:20:39,720
And this is for Jeff Carnahan.
484
00:20:39,754 --> 00:20:40,904
( gunshot )
Oh...!
485
00:20:40,939 --> 00:20:42,839
And Mike Dietz.
486
00:20:42,874 --> 00:20:43,790
( gunshot )
487
00:20:43,825 --> 00:20:46,009
And Sam Malone.
488
00:20:46,044 --> 00:20:48,845
( three gunshots )
489
00:20:48,879 --> 00:20:51,614
Oh, boy, oh, boy!
490
00:20:53,184 --> 00:20:54,484
What did...?
491
00:20:54,518 --> 00:20:55,718
What is it, Sam?
492
00:20:55,753 --> 00:20:57,871
Oh!
493
00:20:59,074 --> 00:21:00,890
What, because I killed
my sister?
494
00:21:00,925 --> 00:21:02,409
Uh-huh!
495
00:21:02,443 --> 00:21:05,011
I didn't mean to do that anyway.
496
00:21:05,045 --> 00:21:06,613
Oh, well, it's done.
497
00:21:06,647 --> 00:21:09,532
All right...
we got to get this
body out of here.
498
00:21:09,567 --> 00:21:11,201
Wha...? Wha...?
499
00:21:11,235 --> 00:21:12,902
You got to help me, Sam;
come on.
500
00:21:12,937 --> 00:21:14,371
Come on, take a hold of her.
501
00:21:14,405 --> 00:21:15,672
Come on.
Oh...!
502
00:21:15,706 --> 00:21:18,808
Everybody does at least one
bad thing in their life.
503
00:21:20,544 --> 00:21:21,695
Sam, take her hands.
504
00:21:21,730 --> 00:21:22,763
There.
505
00:21:22,797 --> 00:21:24,898
All right, now, make
sure nobody sees us.
506
00:21:24,932 --> 00:21:26,199
( whimpering )
507
00:21:26,368 --> 00:21:27,050
Stop being a baby!
508
00:21:27,084 --> 00:21:28,568
Oh!
509
00:21:28,603 --> 00:21:30,871
Oh, boy, oh, boy...
510
00:21:30,905 --> 00:21:32,305
Move.
511
00:21:35,309 --> 00:21:36,743
ALL:
Sammy!
512
00:21:37,979 --> 00:21:41,481
She did it.
513
00:21:41,515 --> 00:21:43,249
Boy, Sammy, when you said
514
00:21:43,284 --> 00:21:45,786
you were going to knock 'em off
one at a time,
515
00:21:45,820 --> 00:21:47,253
you were serious.
516
00:21:47,288 --> 00:21:48,989
Oh, no, no,
no, you don't understand.
517
00:21:49,023 --> 00:21:50,824
I mean, she... she's real...
518
00:21:50,858 --> 00:21:53,076
I'm dead.
( gasps )
519
00:21:57,448 --> 00:21:59,616
( laughter )
520
00:21:59,650 --> 00:22:01,952
( laughter continues )
521
00:22:06,891 --> 00:22:07,691
That wasn't funny.
522
00:22:07,725 --> 00:22:09,826
( laughter continues )
523
00:22:09,861 --> 00:22:12,111
That wasn't funny.
524
00:22:12,146 --> 00:22:14,414
I mean, that's the kind of thing
that could, you know,
525
00:22:14,449 --> 00:22:17,116
give somebody
serious mental damage.
526
00:22:17,151 --> 00:22:18,251
Am I right, Lilith?
527
00:22:18,285 --> 00:22:19,769
No, it was funny, Sam.
528
00:22:19,804 --> 00:22:21,705
( laughter continues )
529
00:22:24,175 --> 00:22:26,910
Susan, Susan, you
were so good.
530
00:22:26,944 --> 00:22:28,511
Wasn't Susan good?
531
00:22:30,915 --> 00:22:32,448
SUSAN:
You were pretty good
yourself.
532
00:22:36,754 --> 00:22:38,422
Sam, are you all right?
533
00:22:38,456 --> 00:22:40,690
I'm hurt.
534
00:22:42,393 --> 00:22:44,611
I'm hurt and I'm...
535
00:22:44,645 --> 00:22:46,346
I'm offended.
536
00:22:46,380 --> 00:22:47,681
And quite frankly,
I can't believe
537
00:22:47,715 --> 00:22:50,851
that you two think that
this is some sort of silly joke.
538
00:22:50,885 --> 00:22:51,785
Am I right, Norm?
539
00:22:51,819 --> 00:22:53,953
( laughing ):
Yeah.
540
00:22:58,710 --> 00:23:01,712
I'm never going to
speak to either
one of you again.
541
00:23:01,746 --> 00:23:05,682
Oh, Sam, that's really too bad,
because you know, in a way,
542
00:23:05,717 --> 00:23:07,451
fending off your stupid advances
543
00:23:07,485 --> 00:23:09,386
brought Susan and I
back together.
544
00:23:09,420 --> 00:23:11,755
We haven't been
this close since
we were kids.
545
00:23:11,789 --> 00:23:13,022
We're grateful.
546
00:23:14,725 --> 00:23:16,309
How grateful?
51415
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