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1
00:00:01,934 --> 00:00:03,751
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
2
00:00:03,819 --> 00:00:05,587
Woody!
3
00:00:05,655 --> 00:00:07,489
Have you finished counting?
4
00:00:07,557 --> 00:00:08,490
Sure have, Miss Howe.
5
00:00:08,558 --> 00:00:10,425
CLIFF:
Ah, come on, Rebecca.
6
00:00:10,493 --> 00:00:13,061
What, guess-how-many-beans-
in-the-jar bit?
7
00:00:13,128 --> 00:00:14,429
That's so corny.
8
00:00:14,496 --> 00:00:16,531
For your information,
corny is in.
9
00:00:16,599 --> 00:00:18,065
America wants
10
00:00:18,133 --> 00:00:21,903
to return to the innocence
of their teenage years.
11
00:00:21,971 --> 00:00:24,622
Yeah, the '70s
were great,
weren't they?
12
00:00:26,792 --> 00:00:30,028
Anyway, this contest
will run all month,
13
00:00:30,096 --> 00:00:31,963
and all of Boston
will be playing
14
00:00:32,031 --> 00:00:34,799
the game
for a fabulous
15
00:00:34,867 --> 00:00:36,768
all-expense-paid trip
to where?
16
00:00:36,835 --> 00:00:39,187
BOTH:
Atlantic City!
17
00:00:40,957 --> 00:00:43,925
For just guessing
how many jelly beans
are in this jar.
18
00:00:43,993 --> 00:00:47,195
Uh... 3,500.
19
00:00:47,262 --> 00:00:49,614
Woody, is that
the correct number?
20
00:00:49,681 --> 00:00:51,015
Nope.
21
00:00:51,083 --> 00:00:53,952
Off by 163.
22
00:00:54,019 --> 00:00:55,920
Woody!
23
00:00:57,422 --> 00:01:00,659
You are not supposed
to tell them that.
24
00:01:00,726 --> 00:01:03,161
Now we have to do this
all over again.
25
00:01:03,228 --> 00:01:05,797
Do you have any extra
jelly beans back there?
26
00:01:05,865 --> 00:01:07,432
Sure, there's a whole bag
at the end of the bar.
27
00:01:07,500 --> 00:01:11,670
I hate when the black ones
get stuck in your teeth.
28
00:01:13,823 --> 00:01:17,291
( piano plays )
29
00:01:17,359 --> 00:01:19,877
� Making your way
in the world today �
30
00:01:19,946 --> 00:01:22,948
� Takes everything you've got
31
00:01:23,015 --> 00:01:25,783
� Taking a break
from all your worries �
32
00:01:25,851 --> 00:01:28,886
� Sure would help a lot
33
00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:34,192
� Wouldn't you like
to get away? �
34
00:01:34,260 --> 00:01:37,011
� Sometimes you want to go
35
00:01:37,079 --> 00:01:41,916
� Where everybody
knows your name �
36
00:01:41,983 --> 00:01:47,154
� And they're always glad
you came �
37
00:01:47,223 --> 00:01:49,156
� You want to be
where you can see �
38
00:01:49,225 --> 00:01:52,159
� Our troubles
are all the same �
39
00:01:52,228 --> 00:01:56,931
� You want to be where everybody
knows your name �
40
00:01:56,998 --> 00:02:00,067
� You want to go
where people know �
41
00:02:00,135 --> 00:02:02,136
� People are all the same
42
00:02:02,204 --> 00:02:06,741
� You want to go where
everybody knows your name. �
43
00:02:22,841 --> 00:02:25,476
Hey, guys,
guys, guys, guys.
44
00:02:25,544 --> 00:02:26,577
Watch this.
45
00:02:30,165 --> 00:02:31,332
Hi, gorgeous.
46
00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:32,433
Want to go out with me?
47
00:02:32,501 --> 00:02:34,369
I've got a little cold.
48
00:02:34,436 --> 00:02:36,537
Oh... next week?
49
00:02:36,605 --> 00:02:37,705
I'm busy.
50
00:02:37,773 --> 00:02:38,773
The week after?
51
00:02:38,840 --> 00:02:40,040
Maybe.
52
00:02:42,944 --> 00:02:44,412
You saw it.
53
00:02:45,464 --> 00:02:46,898
You were there.
54
00:02:46,966 --> 00:02:48,183
Sam Malone
55
00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:50,585
just scored a "maybe."
56
00:02:50,653 --> 00:02:52,253
Yow!
57
00:02:53,389 --> 00:02:55,890
Well, well, this calls
for a celebration.
58
00:02:55,957 --> 00:02:58,192
Waters all around.
59
00:02:58,260 --> 00:02:59,860
Why, what?
60
00:02:59,928 --> 00:03:01,562
Oh, this is truly sad.
61
00:03:01,630 --> 00:03:05,533
I mean, a guy who would
never settle for less
than eight dates a week
62
00:03:05,601 --> 00:03:08,386
is doing back-flips
over a lousy "maybe."
63
00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:10,772
Hey, come on, that's progress
for me and Rebecca.
64
00:03:10,840 --> 00:03:11,789
Face facts.
65
00:03:11,857 --> 00:03:14,342
You had it once but you lost it.
66
00:03:14,409 --> 00:03:16,711
You ain't nothing but Clavin
in a good shirt.
67
00:03:19,247 --> 00:03:21,333
Yeah, I guess we're gonna have
to go shopping for a new hero.
68
00:03:21,400 --> 00:03:23,468
Oh, guys, guys, I can't
believe my ears.
69
00:03:23,535 --> 00:03:26,621
Well, Sam, your ears are
the least of your problems.
70
00:03:28,423 --> 00:03:29,724
You think I'm losing it?
71
00:03:29,791 --> 00:03:31,159
What, you need proof?
72
00:03:31,227 --> 00:03:32,310
No, no, no. Not necessary.
73
00:03:32,377 --> 00:03:34,362
No, no, listen, I want
to prove to you guys
74
00:03:34,430 --> 00:03:35,596
that I'm still your king.
75
00:03:35,664 --> 00:03:36,797
Everybody, please.
76
00:03:36,865 --> 00:03:38,933
Focus your attention
on the door there.
77
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,702
The Amazing Sammy
will now make love
78
00:03:40,769 --> 00:03:42,870
to the very next woman
who enters this bar.
79
00:03:42,938 --> 00:03:45,440
Be right back.
80
00:03:45,507 --> 00:03:47,408
SAM:
No, no, no. Hold it.
81
00:03:47,476 --> 00:03:48,909
Hey, employees are ineligible.
82
00:03:48,977 --> 00:03:50,094
I quit!
83
00:03:51,714 --> 00:03:52,597
We're closed.
84
00:03:52,664 --> 00:03:54,632
SAM:
Too late,
85
00:03:54,700 --> 00:03:55,983
too late.
86
00:03:56,051 --> 00:03:58,319
My lovely volunteer.
87
00:03:58,387 --> 00:04:00,155
NORM:
Sammy, you're amazing.
88
00:04:00,222 --> 00:04:01,556
SAM:
Yeah?
89
00:04:01,623 --> 00:04:05,226
Now, I want to assure you that
we've never met before.
90
00:04:05,293 --> 00:04:07,896
If you watch very closely
you will notice,
91
00:04:07,963 --> 00:04:10,798
that at no time does my hand
actually leave her body.
92
00:04:15,604 --> 00:04:19,390
You know, she's exactly
like a girl I took out
last night.
93
00:04:19,458 --> 00:04:20,792
You mean "tore out."
94
00:04:25,214 --> 00:04:26,414
Excuse me.
95
00:04:26,482 --> 00:04:28,483
Boy, is it hot in here
or is it just you?
96
00:04:28,551 --> 00:04:30,151
I'm sorry, did you just say
97
00:04:30,219 --> 00:04:31,619
is it hot in here
or is it just me?
98
00:04:31,687 --> 00:04:33,188
Yep.
99
00:04:33,255 --> 00:04:35,290
If you like, there's more
where that came from.
100
00:04:35,357 --> 00:04:37,525
Are you for real?
101
00:04:37,592 --> 00:04:39,744
I've been asked that question
many times,
102
00:04:39,812 --> 00:04:42,746
and by women a lot
more naked than you.
103
00:04:44,316 --> 00:04:46,784
( both laughing )
104
00:04:46,852 --> 00:04:48,886
You know,
105
00:04:48,954 --> 00:04:50,488
I've heard about men like you,
106
00:04:50,555 --> 00:04:52,790
but I can't actually say
I've ever met one.
107
00:04:52,858 --> 00:04:54,392
I'm on a roll here.
108
00:04:55,794 --> 00:04:57,161
My name's Sam Malone.
109
00:04:57,229 --> 00:04:59,530
My name is being withheld
for security reasons.
110
00:04:59,598 --> 00:05:02,100
Well, that's very clever.
111
00:05:02,167 --> 00:05:03,050
Maybe too clever.
112
00:05:03,202 --> 00:05:04,869
What's it mean?
113
00:05:04,937 --> 00:05:08,673
It means I'd like to order
a Manhattan.
114
00:05:08,741 --> 00:05:10,575
I'd like you to put a cherry
in it,
115
00:05:10,642 --> 00:05:12,877
and then I'd like you
to put a sock in it.
116
00:05:14,396 --> 00:05:15,463
Your drink.
117
00:05:17,999 --> 00:05:20,484
Greetings, all.
118
00:05:20,553 --> 00:05:21,653
Ah, Doctor.
119
00:05:21,720 --> 00:05:23,421
Doctor.
Doctor.
120
00:05:24,890 --> 00:05:26,390
FRASIER:
Ah, Woody,
may I have a beer please
121
00:05:26,458 --> 00:05:27,926
and a mineral water
for the little mother.
122
00:05:27,993 --> 00:05:29,827
You know, Lilith and I
heard a little joke
the other day.
123
00:05:29,895 --> 00:05:31,062
It seems a patient
124
00:05:31,129 --> 00:05:32,697
walks into
his therapist's office
125
00:05:32,765 --> 00:05:35,033
suffering from a case
of Korsakoff's psychosis
126
00:05:35,100 --> 00:05:36,834
brought on by acute alcoholism.
127
00:05:36,902 --> 00:05:38,002
Brain tumor.
128
00:05:38,069 --> 00:05:40,037
Well, darling, it doesn't make
any difference.
129
00:05:40,105 --> 00:05:40,871
Yes, it does.
130
00:05:40,939 --> 00:05:42,123
Brain tumor is funnier.
131
00:05:42,190 --> 00:05:43,891
You're right.
132
00:05:46,812 --> 00:05:48,563
No wonder I didn't get anywhere.
133
00:05:48,630 --> 00:05:50,531
She's a friend of Lilith
and Frasier's.
134
00:05:50,599 --> 00:05:52,032
She's another one of those
boring,
135
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:53,233
cold-hearted intellectuals
136
00:05:53,301 --> 00:05:55,820
with legs I could kill for.
137
00:05:55,888 --> 00:05:57,855
Why, Sam?
I like your legs.
138
00:05:59,758 --> 00:06:01,259
If you comb your hair
a little different,
139
00:06:01,326 --> 00:06:03,094
no one will even notice
that ear problem.
140
00:06:06,248 --> 00:06:07,915
Thank you.
141
00:06:07,983 --> 00:06:09,851
And then the therapist said
142
00:06:09,918 --> 00:06:12,252
"No, I said ten cc's,
not Tennessee."
143
00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:16,123
( laughing )
144
00:06:16,191 --> 00:06:17,959
Or was it Kentucky?
145
00:06:18,026 --> 00:06:19,126
It was Tennessee.
146
00:06:19,194 --> 00:06:21,095
Well, it was good.
147
00:06:21,162 --> 00:06:24,098
( laughing )
148
00:06:24,166 --> 00:06:26,500
I'll have to remember that one.
149
00:06:26,568 --> 00:06:28,202
Hello, Lilith.
Hello, Frasier.
Hello, Sam.
150
00:06:28,270 --> 00:06:31,405
I'd love to stay and talk
but I'm under a gag order.
151
00:06:31,473 --> 00:06:32,774
I'm sorry.
152
00:06:32,841 --> 00:06:34,475
I didn't realize you were
a friend of the Cranes.
153
00:06:34,543 --> 00:06:36,144
I'm Sheila Rydell.
Oh, how do you do?
154
00:06:36,211 --> 00:06:37,745
Dr. Rydell
is a clinical psychiatrist
155
00:06:37,813 --> 00:06:39,814
and also a fellow
at the Boston University.
156
00:06:39,882 --> 00:06:42,649
Oh, well, thank God
she's a woman here at Cheers.
157
00:06:42,717 --> 00:06:44,952
( pager beeping )
158
00:06:45,020 --> 00:06:46,087
Doctors, excuse me a moment.
159
00:06:46,154 --> 00:06:47,288
I need to call a patient.
160
00:06:47,356 --> 00:06:48,689
Oh, yes, there's a phone
right down the hall.
161
00:06:48,757 --> 00:06:49,991
This will probably
take a few minutes
162
00:06:50,058 --> 00:06:51,192
so I'll meet you upstairs
shortly.
163
00:06:51,260 --> 00:06:52,010
Fine.
164
00:06:52,077 --> 00:06:53,527
Well, doctor, I have
165
00:06:53,595 --> 00:06:55,429
a free phone right here.
166
00:06:55,497 --> 00:06:57,715
I'm looking
for a little more privacy.
167
00:06:57,782 --> 00:06:59,050
I have a phone in my bedroom.
168
00:07:01,053 --> 00:07:02,319
Thank you, no.
169
00:07:02,387 --> 00:07:05,339
FRASIER:
Honey bear, shall we?
170
00:07:06,375 --> 00:07:07,041
Oh, by the way, Sam.
171
00:07:07,109 --> 00:07:08,342
Yeah?
172
00:07:08,410 --> 00:07:11,712
Re: Doctor Rydell,
I must say I concur completely.
173
00:07:11,780 --> 00:07:14,548
You know, most women
who go into psychiatry
are real bowsers,
174
00:07:14,616 --> 00:07:16,167
but, uh,
175
00:07:16,234 --> 00:07:17,401
I wouldn't kick her off
the couch
176
00:07:17,469 --> 00:07:18,502
for eating crackers, you know?
177
00:07:19,938 --> 00:07:22,940
Frasier, I can hear you,
and so can your unborn child.
178
00:07:29,481 --> 00:07:31,749
Will he be able
to escape from this one?
179
00:07:31,817 --> 00:07:33,150
Let's watch.
180
00:07:33,218 --> 00:07:34,969
What I meant to say was, um,
181
00:07:35,037 --> 00:07:36,904
please, please, please
forgive me. And, um...
182
00:07:36,972 --> 00:07:37,738
do you think we have time
183
00:07:37,806 --> 00:07:39,023
to stop by Tiffany's
on the way home?
184
00:07:39,091 --> 00:07:40,191
Good boy.
185
00:07:47,482 --> 00:07:49,450
Boy, I tell you,
I want that woman.
186
00:07:49,518 --> 00:07:53,170
Sam, she's carrying
Dr. Crane's baby.
187
00:07:55,824 --> 00:07:57,792
No, no, not that woman.
188
00:07:57,860 --> 00:07:59,426
The woman
over by the phone.
189
00:07:59,494 --> 00:08:00,512
Oh, well, who doesn't?
190
00:08:00,579 --> 00:08:03,080
Hubba, hubba.
191
00:08:03,148 --> 00:08:04,549
Sam.
Yeah?
192
00:08:04,617 --> 00:08:06,951
Mr. Cool, I hate to burst
your bubble again,
193
00:08:07,019 --> 00:08:08,887
but didn't she just
shoot you down?
194
00:08:08,954 --> 00:08:10,955
Hey, maybe you should
just stay away
from brunettes.
195
00:08:11,023 --> 00:08:12,123
Except me,
196
00:08:12,190 --> 00:08:12,690
of course.
197
00:08:12,758 --> 00:08:13,791
Yeah.
198
00:08:13,859 --> 00:08:15,693
No, no, don't you see here?
199
00:08:15,761 --> 00:08:18,062
The good doctor and I
are sparing.
200
00:08:18,130 --> 00:08:18,930
It's sexy, it's fun.
201
00:08:18,997 --> 00:08:20,198
Just like one of those
202
00:08:20,265 --> 00:08:23,434
old Spencer Tracy-
Audrey Hepburn movies.
203
00:08:23,501 --> 00:08:25,419
Sammy, would you step
in my office, please?
204
00:08:25,487 --> 00:08:26,320
A word in your ear.
205
00:08:26,388 --> 00:08:28,039
You know, if I were you,
206
00:08:28,106 --> 00:08:30,542
I'd approach
the good Dr. Legs there
207
00:08:30,609 --> 00:08:32,309
on a professional level.
208
00:08:32,377 --> 00:08:34,211
I would make an
appointment with her
209
00:08:34,279 --> 00:08:36,681
and pretend there was
something wrong with me.
210
00:08:36,749 --> 00:08:40,651
Cliffie,
that's a pretty good idea.
211
00:08:40,719 --> 00:08:43,120
Yeah, who gave it to you?
212
00:08:43,956 --> 00:08:45,606
It's mine.
213
00:08:45,674 --> 00:08:47,875
It, uh, came right
from this brain.
214
00:08:47,942 --> 00:08:50,828
Hey, everybody,
Clavin got a new brain.
215
00:08:52,847 --> 00:08:54,415
So what do you think?
216
00:08:54,483 --> 00:08:57,585
Uh... What kind of problem
should I make up?
217
00:08:57,652 --> 00:08:58,919
Well, uh, how about this?
218
00:08:58,987 --> 00:09:01,488
I once took one of my kids
to the school psychiatrist
219
00:09:01,556 --> 00:09:03,290
and he said the kid
had kleptomania.
220
00:09:03,358 --> 00:09:03,941
Anything come of it?
221
00:09:04,009 --> 00:09:04,992
Got a couple of pens
222
00:09:05,060 --> 00:09:06,910
and a leather appointment book.
223
00:09:06,978 --> 00:09:09,130
Yeah, or you could try
using my problem.
224
00:09:09,197 --> 00:09:12,599
I've always had this terrible
fear of being a failure.
225
00:09:12,667 --> 00:09:14,151
You are a failure.
226
00:09:14,219 --> 00:09:16,821
Well, then I've licked it.
227
00:09:23,662 --> 00:09:24,829
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
228
00:09:24,897 --> 00:09:25,830
I've got a suggestion.
229
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:27,098
This is surefire.
230
00:09:27,166 --> 00:09:29,400
It's going to get you
where you really want her.
231
00:09:29,467 --> 00:09:30,768
Impotence.
232
00:09:30,836 --> 00:09:32,536
Ooh-ooh-ooh, no.
233
00:09:35,540 --> 00:09:38,225
No, that's a word us guys
don't even like to say.
234
00:09:38,293 --> 00:09:40,428
Wait a minute, take it from me.
235
00:09:40,496 --> 00:09:42,897
We women are pushovers
for this kind of stuff.
236
00:09:42,964 --> 00:09:45,833
Hey, there are two things
that women like to do
237
00:09:45,901 --> 00:09:48,168
more than anything else
in the world.
238
00:09:48,236 --> 00:09:50,137
And one of them is
to cure a guy of impotence.
239
00:09:50,205 --> 00:09:51,555
What's the other thing?
240
00:09:51,623 --> 00:09:53,891
Give it to him again
if he gets out of line.
241
00:09:57,745 --> 00:09:59,280
No, I tell you,
242
00:09:59,347 --> 00:10:01,348
I don't care
how hot that lady is.
243
00:10:01,416 --> 00:10:04,918
That's... I just couldn't
say something like that to her.
244
00:10:17,515 --> 00:10:20,350
Okay, so I tell her
that I'm impotent.
245
00:10:33,632 --> 00:10:35,265
Mr. Malone.
246
00:10:35,333 --> 00:10:39,070
Oh, it is the same
Sam Malone.
247
00:10:39,137 --> 00:10:41,371
I hope this is
a professional visit.
248
00:10:41,439 --> 00:10:43,340
Oh, I'm sad to say yes.
249
00:10:44,810 --> 00:10:47,911
Doctor, I need to
unburden myself here,
250
00:10:47,979 --> 00:10:49,547
and I figured that you
were the one person
251
00:10:49,614 --> 00:10:51,182
maybe I could talk to.
252
00:10:51,249 --> 00:10:52,166
Of course.
253
00:10:52,317 --> 00:10:53,550
Sit down.
254
00:11:10,568 --> 00:11:12,753
Now take your time.
255
00:11:12,821 --> 00:11:14,822
Tell me what's troubling you.
256
00:11:14,889 --> 00:11:21,011
Well, Doctor, as you know,
I'm a young, healthy male.
257
00:11:21,079 --> 00:11:23,714
But recently I've...
258
00:11:23,782 --> 00:11:26,717
Oh, heck, I'm not going
to mince words with you here.
259
00:11:26,785 --> 00:11:31,539
Lately I haven't been able to
get the old evan root cranking.
260
00:11:35,743 --> 00:11:37,561
Excuse me?
261
00:11:37,629 --> 00:11:41,666
Um, well, it's like... uh...
262
00:11:41,733 --> 00:11:43,567
it's like my favorite shirt
263
00:11:43,635 --> 00:11:47,070
is a little light in the starch.
264
00:11:47,138 --> 00:11:50,474
Are you trying to say
that you're impotent?
265
00:11:50,542 --> 00:11:52,092
No, don't, oh,
don't use that word.
266
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:53,911
Oh, I see.
267
00:11:53,979 --> 00:11:55,846
Yes, well, uh,
268
00:11:55,914 --> 00:11:58,699
arousal dysfunction is
a fairly common problem,
269
00:11:58,767 --> 00:11:59,767
but it can be
270
00:11:59,834 --> 00:12:02,653
very, very, very distressing.
271
00:12:02,721 --> 00:12:03,938
Oh, it is.
272
00:12:04,005 --> 00:12:06,473
It is.
273
00:12:08,860 --> 00:12:11,762
How does this problem
usually manifest itself?
274
00:12:11,829 --> 00:12:13,998
Oh, it's too painful
to talk about.
275
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:16,500
I could demonstrate if you like.
276
00:12:16,568 --> 00:12:18,252
No, thank you.
277
00:12:18,320 --> 00:12:19,520
No, no, you're probably right.
278
00:12:19,588 --> 00:12:21,789
With my luck, it would work,
you know...
279
00:12:23,291 --> 00:12:25,542
Like when you take your car
to the mechanic, you know.
280
00:12:25,610 --> 00:12:28,963
Of course, this isn't
my field of expertise,
281
00:12:29,030 --> 00:12:31,331
but you're in luck.
282
00:12:31,399 --> 00:12:34,402
My associate,
Dr. Heimlich Mueller
283
00:12:34,469 --> 00:12:36,704
is conducting
a group session
at this very moment.
284
00:12:36,772 --> 00:12:39,006
I'm sure he'd agree
to let you join in.
285
00:12:39,073 --> 00:12:41,258
Actually I was kind of hoping
that you could handle it.
286
00:12:41,326 --> 00:12:42,893
Oh, don't feel uneasy
about Dr. Mueller.
287
00:12:42,961 --> 00:12:44,995
Those charges linking him
to the Gestapo
288
00:12:45,063 --> 00:12:46,564
were grossly exaggerated.
289
00:12:46,631 --> 00:12:48,715
Excuse me?
290
00:12:48,783 --> 00:12:49,866
He was merely a consultant.
291
00:12:51,302 --> 00:12:53,904
Actually, his technique
is somewhat controversial.
292
00:12:53,971 --> 00:12:55,522
You'll have to go in there
and proclaim
293
00:12:55,590 --> 00:12:56,957
your sexual disorder
to the group.
294
00:12:57,025 --> 00:12:58,792
You want me to say that
in front of other people?
295
00:12:58,860 --> 00:13:01,595
Oh, there are only a half dozen
men in there just like yourself,
296
00:13:01,663 --> 00:13:04,264
and of course the 20 or 30
observing nurses.
297
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:08,969
Just go in there, stand up
and say "I'm Sam Malone,
298
00:13:09,037 --> 00:13:11,505
and I no longer
function as a man."
299
00:13:12,824 --> 00:13:13,858
No! No, no!
Wait, wait, wait.
300
00:13:14,009 --> 00:13:15,242
Oh, no, no, I'm...
301
00:13:15,310 --> 00:13:17,711
Listen, there's been
a misunderstanding here.
302
00:13:17,779 --> 00:13:19,713
I didn't say "impotent,"
I said "impudent."
303
00:13:19,781 --> 00:13:21,515
Yeah, I'm a smart ass.
304
00:13:21,583 --> 00:13:24,167
See?
305
00:13:24,235 --> 00:13:26,336
There's nothing wrong
with me, no, ma'am.
306
00:13:26,404 --> 00:13:27,704
Then the cure worked.
307
00:13:27,772 --> 00:13:29,206
That'll be $150.
308
00:13:29,274 --> 00:13:30,541
Pay the receptionist
309
00:13:30,608 --> 00:13:31,492
on your way out.
310
00:13:33,261 --> 00:13:36,597
Oh... You-you've been...
you've been putting me on.
311
00:13:36,664 --> 00:13:39,650
And that was very unfair of me
considering
312
00:13:39,718 --> 00:13:41,852
how honest you were being.
313
00:13:43,288 --> 00:13:47,792
All right, I admit that
I was making up that stuff
314
00:13:47,859 --> 00:13:51,361
just because, well, you're...
a beautiful woman
315
00:13:51,430 --> 00:13:53,196
and I just wanted to see
a little more of you,
316
00:13:53,264 --> 00:13:55,433
that's all.
317
00:13:55,500 --> 00:13:57,468
I see.
318
00:13:57,536 --> 00:14:04,007
Well, actually, that's
kind of flattering.
319
00:14:04,075 --> 00:14:06,677
Not very many men would come in
here and humiliate themselves
320
00:14:06,744 --> 00:14:08,812
and tell some
childish, idiotic lie
321
00:14:08,880 --> 00:14:11,248
just to spend five minutes
with me.
322
00:14:11,316 --> 00:14:14,718
I'm a romantic.
323
00:14:16,921 --> 00:14:19,089
So what do you say,
you want to go out to dinner?
324
00:14:19,157 --> 00:14:23,277
I suppose I could use
a bit more romance in my life.
325
00:14:23,345 --> 00:14:24,761
All right, great.
326
00:14:24,829 --> 00:14:27,131
I'll call you,
next week sometime.
327
00:14:27,199 --> 00:14:28,899
How about tomorrow night?
Great.
328
00:14:28,967 --> 00:14:31,085
That's good, that's good.
All right.
329
00:14:31,153 --> 00:14:33,804
Yeah, thanks very much. Ha.
330
00:14:35,373 --> 00:14:37,557
( tape rewinds )
331
00:14:37,625 --> 00:14:39,960
Um... excuse me.
See, I...
332
00:14:40,027 --> 00:14:42,379
You didn't have that
tape recorder on, did you,
333
00:14:42,446 --> 00:14:45,015
when I was making up
that stuff about imp...
334
00:14:45,083 --> 00:14:46,216
Don't worry, Sam.
335
00:14:46,284 --> 00:14:47,484
The moment you walked in here
336
00:14:47,552 --> 00:14:49,019
I was aware you were faking
the whole thing
337
00:14:49,086 --> 00:14:50,454
and I turned the recorder off.
338
00:14:50,522 --> 00:14:52,539
Oh, good.
Well, thank goodness.
339
00:14:52,607 --> 00:14:55,442
( laughing )
340
00:14:55,510 --> 00:14:57,661
And I turned the intercom on.
341
00:15:01,066 --> 00:15:02,166
( laughing )
342
00:15:07,004 --> 00:15:09,106
Okay, boys,
closing time.
343
00:15:09,174 --> 00:15:10,374
Let's move on out.
344
00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:12,243
Probably want to go home,
get some rest,
345
00:15:12,310 --> 00:15:14,778
so you can be back for
your 9:00 a.m. shift.
346
00:15:14,846 --> 00:15:16,947
It's one of those days
I hate to see end,
347
00:15:17,015 --> 00:15:18,382
you know what I mean?
Mm-hmm.
348
00:15:18,450 --> 00:15:19,716
Hey, I got some
new videos.
349
00:15:19,784 --> 00:15:21,152
You guys want to
come over my place?
350
00:15:21,219 --> 00:15:23,270
New videos, great.
Yeah, yeah,
351
00:15:23,337 --> 00:15:25,789
Ma had our home movies
converted to tape.
352
00:15:25,857 --> 00:15:28,359
There's a great one of me
all dressed up as Peter Pan.
353
00:15:28,426 --> 00:15:30,294
Ma's Captain Hook,
she's tying me up.
354
00:15:30,362 --> 00:15:31,428
( chuckles ):
It's great.
355
00:15:31,496 --> 00:15:32,662
For Halloween, huh?
356
00:15:32,730 --> 00:15:34,531
No, no, it's a little game
we used to play
357
00:15:34,599 --> 00:15:35,665
to help me sleep.
358
00:15:35,733 --> 00:15:37,534
You know how
crazy teenagers are.
359
00:15:44,059 --> 00:15:46,827
Well, Sheila, why don't you
hop up to the bar there,
360
00:15:46,895 --> 00:15:49,063
I'll fix us
a little nightcap.
361
00:15:49,131 --> 00:15:51,732
Oh, Sammy, you mind
if I take off early?
362
00:15:51,800 --> 00:15:53,751
I want to put the little ones
to bed myself tonight.
363
00:15:53,818 --> 00:15:55,652
Put them to bed?
Hey, it's 2:00 a.m.
364
00:15:55,720 --> 00:15:58,622
Oh, right, they're
probably not home yet.
365
00:16:01,476 --> 00:16:03,260
Ah, well, I'll get some sleep.
366
00:16:03,328 --> 00:16:05,930
Hey, listen, don't forget
to put up the barstools.
367
00:16:05,997 --> 00:16:07,497
Don't worry about it.
We'll do it later.
368
00:16:07,566 --> 00:16:08,866
I hope so.
369
00:16:08,934 --> 00:16:11,635
But take care
of the stools, too.
370
00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:18,792
Sam, I had a really lovely time
with you tonight.
371
00:16:18,860 --> 00:16:20,661
Well, you sound
a little surprised.
372
00:16:20,729 --> 00:16:22,663
Well, I am a little.
373
00:16:22,731 --> 00:16:24,965
I guess a lot of the men
I go out with
374
00:16:25,033 --> 00:16:27,334
tend to be a little stuffy.
375
00:16:28,637 --> 00:16:31,271
But you're so relaxed
and easy to be with.
376
00:16:31,339 --> 00:16:34,008
And I must admit, I've never
seen a man do a puppet show
377
00:16:34,075 --> 00:16:36,076
with lobster claws before.
378
00:16:36,144 --> 00:16:39,046
Well, you were
a lovely audience.
379
00:16:39,114 --> 00:16:40,581
Thank you.
380
00:16:40,716 --> 00:16:43,700
Hey, and thank you for not
coming on like a psychiatrist.
381
00:16:43,768 --> 00:16:45,769
What does that mean?
382
00:16:45,837 --> 00:16:47,855
Well, I know you guys
always have your meter going.
383
00:16:47,922 --> 00:16:49,723
And I was afraid you were
sitting there thinking
384
00:16:49,791 --> 00:16:52,626
all sorts of weird,
head-shrinking things.
385
00:16:52,694 --> 00:16:53,927
Well, as a professional,
386
00:16:53,995 --> 00:16:55,863
you learn to keep those things
to yourself.
387
00:16:58,232 --> 00:17:01,635
So you were thinking
those things?
388
00:17:01,703 --> 00:17:07,007
Sam, I really prefer to divorce
business from pleasure.
389
00:17:07,074 --> 00:17:09,943
Absolutely.
No, you're right.
390
00:17:10,011 --> 00:17:12,546
Were they bad things?
391
00:17:12,614 --> 00:17:15,816
Sam, I really think
it's a mistake
392
00:17:15,884 --> 00:17:17,651
to pursue this matter
any further.
393
00:17:17,719 --> 00:17:19,386
Oh, great.
I bet you wouldn't say that
394
00:17:19,453 --> 00:17:20,888
if you were thinking
good things.
395
00:17:20,955 --> 00:17:22,655
I mean,
you'd probably
396
00:17:22,657 --> 00:17:24,708
come right out and say it if
you were sitting there thinking,
397
00:17:24,776 --> 00:17:26,543
"Whoa, you know,
this guy is really together
398
00:17:26,611 --> 00:17:29,045
and I'm lucky to be with him,
and boy, the hair."
399
00:17:31,816 --> 00:17:33,750
So come on, tell me.
400
00:17:33,818 --> 00:17:35,018
Really, Sam, no.
401
00:17:35,086 --> 00:17:36,219
Hey, come on,
I can take it.
402
00:17:36,287 --> 00:17:37,488
It'll be fun.
403
00:17:37,555 --> 00:17:39,690
Sam, would you just
please drop the subject?
404
00:17:39,757 --> 00:17:42,075
Okay.
405
00:17:43,144 --> 00:17:44,795
Boy, you brain benders
406
00:17:44,863 --> 00:17:46,096
are all the same, aren't you?
407
00:17:46,164 --> 00:17:47,381
I mean, you want
408
00:17:47,448 --> 00:17:48,715
two years of a guy's life
409
00:17:48,783 --> 00:17:50,217
and every penny he earns
410
00:17:50,285 --> 00:17:52,485
before you give him
one little simple diagnosis.
411
00:17:52,553 --> 00:17:54,421
You know, I think
you're full of blabber.
412
00:17:54,488 --> 00:17:56,390
I don't think you know
anything about me.
413
00:17:56,457 --> 00:17:58,358
I think I do.
414
00:17:58,426 --> 00:18:00,026
Yeah? Then why don't
you tell me.
415
00:18:00,095 --> 00:18:02,996
All right, Sam, if you insist.
416
00:18:03,064 --> 00:18:05,682
I do.
417
00:18:05,750 --> 00:18:08,051
My professional
opinion of you
418
00:18:08,119 --> 00:18:11,722
is that your every thought,
word and deed
419
00:18:11,789 --> 00:18:13,690
revolves around sex.
420
00:18:15,042 --> 00:18:17,478
You have nothing else
in your life.
421
00:18:17,545 --> 00:18:21,899
Without constant sex,
you'd probably just shrivel up
422
00:18:21,966 --> 00:18:25,285
into a little,
dried anchovy and die.
423
00:18:26,737 --> 00:18:28,338
Well, who wouldn't?
424
00:18:29,791 --> 00:18:31,057
I mean, that's it?
425
00:18:31,125 --> 00:18:34,528
No bad stuff?
426
00:18:34,596 --> 00:18:38,432
Sam, there's nothing
but bad stuff.
427
00:18:38,500 --> 00:18:41,034
You're an aging lothario
428
00:18:41,102 --> 00:18:44,488
who uses sex to cover up
massive insecurity,
429
00:18:44,556 --> 00:18:48,259
a fear of true intimacy,
fear of a relationship
430
00:18:48,326 --> 00:18:50,628
and quite frankly,
not only a fear of dying,
431
00:18:50,695 --> 00:18:52,263
but a fear of living, too.
432
00:18:52,330 --> 00:18:54,898
You're one sick cowpoke.
433
00:18:57,552 --> 00:18:59,486
I resent that.
434
00:18:59,554 --> 00:19:01,521
You know, you were
shoveling down that
lobster tonight
435
00:19:01,589 --> 00:19:03,590
like there was
no tomorrow.
436
00:19:03,658 --> 00:19:05,526
You know, you even ate
the green stuff
437
00:19:05,593 --> 00:19:07,194
and this is the thanks I get?
438
00:19:07,261 --> 00:19:08,995
Sam, you forced me to tell you.
439
00:19:09,063 --> 00:19:10,497
What did you want me to do, lie?
440
00:19:10,565 --> 00:19:12,132
Of course, yes.
441
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:15,068
Oh, Sam, come on.
442
00:19:15,136 --> 00:19:16,770
Why don't we just
forget the whole thing
443
00:19:16,838 --> 00:19:18,439
and go back to my place?
444
00:19:18,506 --> 00:19:19,540
What?
445
00:19:19,607 --> 00:19:21,107
You still want
to go to bed,
446
00:19:21,175 --> 00:19:22,943
even though sex
is supposedly
447
00:19:23,010 --> 00:19:24,611
the only thing
I have in my life?
448
00:19:24,679 --> 00:19:26,680
Exactly.
449
00:19:26,748 --> 00:19:30,351
And so I assume
you're rather good at it.
450
00:19:35,022 --> 00:19:37,157
You would actually
have sex with somebody
451
00:19:37,225 --> 00:19:38,859
you don't even respect?
452
00:19:38,926 --> 00:19:41,462
Isn't that what
you do with women?
453
00:19:41,529 --> 00:19:43,730
Yeah, but I cover it up.
454
00:19:45,266 --> 00:19:48,669
I mean, how long have you
lived in America, lady?
455
00:19:50,221 --> 00:19:51,554
Oh, Sam, come on.
456
00:19:51,622 --> 00:19:53,957
No, listen, I think
you ought to take a hike.
457
00:19:54,025 --> 00:19:55,392
I'll tell you what,
send me a bill
458
00:19:55,459 --> 00:19:57,995
for another hundred and a half,
I'll deduct the lobster.
459
00:20:03,584 --> 00:20:06,119
Well, I'm sorry
if this was painful,
460
00:20:06,187 --> 00:20:11,591
but maybe it was good
for you to have heard it.
461
00:20:11,659 --> 00:20:14,894
By the way, if you change
your mind about the sex,
462
00:20:14,962 --> 00:20:17,697
I can be beeped anytime.
463
00:20:17,765 --> 00:20:20,133
That's so pathetic!
464
00:20:22,287 --> 00:20:23,770
Oh!
465
00:20:23,837 --> 00:20:26,273
( groans )
466
00:20:26,340 --> 00:20:28,841
Oh!
467
00:20:35,533 --> 00:20:37,700
Are you locking up?
468
00:20:37,768 --> 00:20:39,286
Hey, let me ask you something.
469
00:20:39,353 --> 00:20:42,923
Do you think that my life is
empty and void of any meaning?
470
00:20:42,990 --> 00:20:43,990
Yep.
471
00:20:44,058 --> 00:20:45,626
Don't forget to lock up.
472
00:20:47,879 --> 00:20:49,880
Oh, b...
473
00:20:55,820 --> 00:20:58,455
Tough night on
the dating circuit, Sam?
474
00:20:58,523 --> 00:21:00,290
Oh...
475
00:21:00,358 --> 00:21:01,692
Do you believe... my...
476
00:21:01,760 --> 00:21:03,827
My date told me that there
was nothing in my life
477
00:21:03,895 --> 00:21:08,164
except women or sex.
478
00:21:08,232 --> 00:21:10,967
By the way,
you look hot tonight.
479
00:21:12,904 --> 00:21:15,406
Come on, Sam,
you have a lot going for you.
480
00:21:15,473 --> 00:21:16,807
Yeah?
481
00:21:16,875 --> 00:21:18,141
Like what?
482
00:21:18,209 --> 00:21:22,545
There's...
483
00:21:22,613 --> 00:21:24,097
Ooh, I could go on and on.
484
00:21:24,165 --> 00:21:25,465
See you later, Sam.
485
00:21:25,533 --> 00:21:27,500
Wait a minute.
Come on, answer the question.
486
00:21:27,568 --> 00:21:30,871
What do I have in my life
that isn't women or sex?
487
00:21:30,938 --> 00:21:34,407
Come on, Sam,
you're a passionate guy.
488
00:21:34,475 --> 00:21:37,611
I bet you have a lot of things
that you care deeply about.
489
00:21:37,678 --> 00:21:39,779
Yeah, like what?
490
00:21:39,847 --> 00:21:42,282
Your job.
491
00:21:42,350 --> 00:21:44,651
It's a great way to meet babes.
492
00:21:44,719 --> 00:21:47,270
You love your car.
493
00:21:47,338 --> 00:21:49,339
Babes love it.
494
00:21:49,406 --> 00:21:51,007
Sailing.
495
00:21:51,075 --> 00:21:54,044
Babes on waves.
496
00:21:55,880 --> 00:21:57,914
See?
497
00:21:57,982 --> 00:22:00,483
Then the doctor was right,
I'm a shallow guy.
498
00:22:00,551 --> 00:22:02,652
I mean, everything I do
is to impress women
499
00:22:02,720 --> 00:22:05,288
or revolves around sex.
500
00:22:05,356 --> 00:22:06,657
I guess I'm nothing more
501
00:22:06,724 --> 00:22:11,895
than a hot, manly
machine of love.
502
00:22:11,963 --> 00:22:13,997
Um, uh...
503
00:22:14,065 --> 00:22:16,083
Sam, wait.
What about the Stooges?
504
00:22:16,150 --> 00:22:18,585
They're all right,
they're over at Cliff's.
505
00:22:20,037 --> 00:22:22,539
No, no, Sam.
What about the Three Stooges?
506
00:22:22,607 --> 00:22:24,308
Oh, yeah, great.
I like the Three Stooges.
507
00:22:24,375 --> 00:22:25,676
That helps a lot.
508
00:22:25,743 --> 00:22:27,243
Wait a minute, Sam.
Think about this.
509
00:22:27,312 --> 00:22:29,780
Do women like
the Three Stooges?
510
00:22:29,847 --> 00:22:31,147
No, they hate them.
511
00:22:31,215 --> 00:22:32,549
All right.
512
00:22:32,617 --> 00:22:35,051
Are women impressed that
you like the Three Stooges?
513
00:22:35,119 --> 00:22:39,022
No, some of them
even think they're stupid.
514
00:22:39,090 --> 00:22:41,424
When you're watching
the Three Stooges,
515
00:22:41,492 --> 00:22:42,893
do you think they're sexy?
516
00:22:42,960 --> 00:22:45,162
No, when you watch
the Three Stooges,
517
00:22:45,229 --> 00:22:48,531
nobody has time to think
about sex or women.
518
00:22:52,753 --> 00:22:54,954
Hey, wait a minute.
519
00:22:55,022 --> 00:22:57,424
That means
I do have another
interest in my life.
520
00:22:58,626 --> 00:23:00,960
I like the Stooges
for themselves.
521
00:23:01,028 --> 00:23:03,580
Hey, whoa, I'm okay.
522
00:23:03,648 --> 00:23:06,316
Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
523
00:23:06,384 --> 00:23:07,551
( imitates Curly )
524
00:23:08,752 --> 00:23:10,554
That's fine, Sam.
525
00:23:10,621 --> 00:23:11,788
Come here, porcupine.
526
00:23:11,855 --> 00:23:12,822
( squeals )
527
00:23:12,890 --> 00:23:15,058
Knock it off.
Come on, try it,
528
00:23:15,125 --> 00:23:16,893
you'll like it.
Come on, do it.
529
00:23:16,960 --> 00:23:18,761
All right.
530
00:23:19,963 --> 00:23:20,930
There you go.
531
00:23:20,998 --> 00:23:24,634
Come here, porcupine.
532
00:23:24,702 --> 00:23:26,102
( loud smack )
SAM:
Ooh.
533
00:23:26,170 --> 00:23:28,088
Hey, the Stooges don't bleed.
48397
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