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1
00:00:01,200 --> 00:00:03,935
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
2
00:00:05,788 --> 00:00:06,938
Refill, Mr. P.?
3
00:00:06,972 --> 00:00:08,673
Yeah.
( knuckles crack )
4
00:00:08,708 --> 00:00:10,609
Eww! Knuckle cracking.
5
00:00:10,643 --> 00:00:12,176
I hate that sound.
6
00:00:12,211 --> 00:00:13,311
And you hurt your fingers.
7
00:00:13,345 --> 00:00:14,345
CLIFF:
Woodrow,
8
00:00:14,380 --> 00:00:16,681
knuckle cracking
is relatively harmless.
9
00:00:16,716 --> 00:00:17,866
Actually,
10
00:00:17,900 --> 00:00:19,201
when you
crack your knuckles,
11
00:00:19,235 --> 00:00:22,070
what you're doing is really,
uh, breaking a sound barrier.
12
00:00:22,104 --> 00:00:24,639
Yeah, what you hear
is actually
13
00:00:24,673 --> 00:00:27,709
a tiny finger-sized
sonic boom.
14
00:00:27,743 --> 00:00:29,444
Well, Cliff,
you're partly right.
15
00:00:29,478 --> 00:00:32,047
Really? Which part?
16
00:00:32,081 --> 00:00:35,317
The phenomenon of knuckle
cracking is relatively harmless.
17
00:00:35,351 --> 00:00:36,952
But in fact,
the sound you're hearing
18
00:00:36,986 --> 00:00:38,753
is not a cracking at all,
19
00:00:38,787 --> 00:00:41,589
but rather a popping
of tiny gas bubbles
20
00:00:41,623 --> 00:00:42,790
imploding
in the sinovial fluid
21
00:00:42,825 --> 00:00:44,092
of the metacarpal
phalangeal joint.
22
00:00:44,126 --> 00:00:45,827
Makes sense.
23
00:00:45,861 --> 00:00:47,229
NORM:
Yeah, but
24
00:00:47,263 --> 00:00:49,397
knuckle-cracking
doesn't make a popping sound.
25
00:00:49,431 --> 00:00:50,866
A popping sound
is more like this.
26
00:00:50,900 --> 00:00:51,967
( popping sound )
27
00:00:52,001 --> 00:00:53,869
Oh, God,
I could never do that.
28
00:00:53,903 --> 00:00:54,836
You know what else
I could never do?
29
00:00:54,871 --> 00:00:56,604
I could never whistle
with my fingers.
30
00:00:56,638 --> 00:00:57,739
Carla can do that great.
31
00:00:57,773 --> 00:00:58,690
Hey, Carla, show Woody
32
00:00:58,724 --> 00:00:59,841
how you whistle
with two fingers.
33
00:00:59,876 --> 00:01:01,009
Sure.
34
00:01:01,043 --> 00:01:01,726
First, you have
to crack your knuckles.
35
00:01:01,760 --> 00:01:02,810
( cracking sound )
36
00:01:02,844 --> 00:01:05,280
Ooh, sinovial fluid imploding!
37
00:01:05,314 --> 00:01:06,680
I hate that sound!
38
00:01:07,533 --> 00:01:09,851
You'll hurt your metacarpal
phalangeal joint.
39
00:01:12,071 --> 00:01:15,023
( piano plays )
40
00:01:15,057 --> 00:01:17,859
� Sometimes you want to go
41
00:01:17,893 --> 00:01:22,764
� Where everybody
knows your name �
42
00:01:22,798 --> 00:01:28,002
� And they're always glad
you came �
43
00:01:28,037 --> 00:01:30,004
� You want to be
where you can see �
44
00:01:30,039 --> 00:01:33,007
� Our troubles
are all the same �
45
00:01:33,042 --> 00:01:38,079
� You want to go where
everybody knows your name. �
46
00:01:53,012 --> 00:01:54,995
Carla,
47
00:01:55,030 --> 00:01:56,497
can you help me
with this zipper, please?
48
00:01:56,532 --> 00:01:57,798
Sure, boss.
49
00:01:57,833 --> 00:02:01,068
You know, when you first
walked in in this dress,
50
00:02:01,103 --> 00:02:04,071
you were like the closest thing
to Cher I've ever seen.
51
00:02:04,106 --> 00:02:05,273
Really?
52
00:02:05,307 --> 00:02:07,442
Yeah, you looked
just like Sonny Bono.
53
00:02:07,476 --> 00:02:09,611
Carla, I don't
have time to trade
insults with you.
54
00:02:09,645 --> 00:02:10,645
Oh, that's okay.
55
00:02:10,679 --> 00:02:12,647
You can still keep mine.
56
00:02:12,681 --> 00:02:13,648
There you go.
57
00:02:13,682 --> 00:02:15,683
Now, be careful when you unzip.
58
00:02:15,718 --> 00:02:17,985
I think I snagged about
a dozen little back hairs.
59
00:02:18,019 --> 00:02:19,871
Thank you, Carla.
60
00:02:19,905 --> 00:02:20,672
Big date, Rebecca, huh?
61
00:02:20,706 --> 00:02:22,623
Who's the lucky fella?
62
00:02:22,657 --> 00:02:24,558
Somebody I met
at a party.
63
00:02:24,593 --> 00:02:26,494
A rich doctor--
cardiologist.
64
00:02:26,528 --> 00:02:27,929
Leader in his field.
65
00:02:27,963 --> 00:02:29,864
You guys couldn't
wipe his nose.
66
00:02:29,899 --> 00:02:32,433
That shoots my plans
for the evening.
67
00:02:33,235 --> 00:02:36,070
Where, uh,
where's he taking you?
68
00:02:36,105 --> 00:02:38,573
Only the society
event of the season,
69
00:02:38,607 --> 00:02:40,208
celebrating the anniversary
70
00:02:40,242 --> 00:02:42,277
of the launching
of Old Ironsides.
71
00:02:42,311 --> 00:02:44,779
Wow, can you get
Raymond Burr's autograph?
72
00:02:46,382 --> 00:02:49,650
Woody, this is
Old Ironsides, the ship.
73
00:02:49,685 --> 00:02:51,486
The USS Constitution.
74
00:02:51,520 --> 00:02:53,121
I know; I was reading
about it in the paper.
75
00:02:53,155 --> 00:02:54,289
Raymond Burr's
gonna be there.
76
00:02:56,758 --> 00:02:59,294
( gasping ):
Oh, God, I'm gonna be late.
77
00:02:59,328 --> 00:03:00,895
Have him make it out to Woody,
and make sure he signs it,
78
00:03:00,929 --> 00:03:02,763
Perry Mason, Ironsides,
79
00:03:02,798 --> 00:03:06,301
and that guy who cut up
his wife in Rear Window.
80
00:03:06,335 --> 00:03:07,635
Can you help me
with these, please?
81
00:03:07,669 --> 00:03:08,636
Wow, nice earrings.
82
00:03:08,670 --> 00:03:09,770
Thank you.
83
00:03:09,805 --> 00:03:10,655
No, I meant Carla's.
84
00:03:10,773 --> 00:03:12,274
They look like real
little bananas.
85
00:03:12,308 --> 00:03:13,875
Oh, thanks.
86
00:03:15,110 --> 00:03:17,812
Although, yours are
actually pretty nice,
too.
87
00:03:17,846 --> 00:03:18,813
Thank you.
Are they real?
88
00:03:18,847 --> 00:03:19,881
Yes,
they're genuine diamonds.
89
00:03:19,915 --> 00:03:22,284
No, I mean are they
real little bananas.
90
00:03:24,487 --> 00:03:26,655
Evening, folks.
91
00:03:26,689 --> 00:03:28,022
( wolf whistle )
92
00:03:28,056 --> 00:03:29,524
Thank you, Woody.
93
00:03:29,558 --> 00:03:30,792
Yeah, Carla
just taught me that.
94
00:03:30,826 --> 00:03:31,893
You were right, Carla.
95
00:03:31,927 --> 00:03:33,928
All I needed was
a little more slobber
on my fingers.
96
00:03:35,564 --> 00:03:38,166
Sammy, all
decked out, huh?
97
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,901
Yeah, my date's gonna pick me up
in a couple of minutes.
98
00:03:39,935 --> 00:03:41,169
We're going to go over
to that shindig
99
00:03:41,203 --> 00:03:43,905
they're throwing
at the USS Constitution.
100
00:03:43,939 --> 00:03:46,758
Oh, Sammy, how'd you
wrangle a ticket
to that sea-going soiree?
101
00:03:46,792 --> 00:03:50,061
Well, you know...
the event's going
to be televised.
102
00:03:50,095 --> 00:03:52,329
So they wanted to fill
the audience
103
00:03:52,364 --> 00:03:54,799
with, a lot of, you know,
big, local celebrities.
104
00:03:54,833 --> 00:03:56,083
Yeah, one of them has
to go to the bathroom,
105
00:03:56,118 --> 00:03:57,552
you rush down
and fill in the seat.
106
00:03:59,822 --> 00:04:01,389
Yeah.
107
00:04:03,108 --> 00:04:06,177
You know, I happen to be going
to that exact same event.
108
00:04:06,211 --> 00:04:08,479
Perhaps when I get up
to go to the powder room,
109
00:04:08,513 --> 00:04:09,547
you can grab my seat.
110
00:04:09,582 --> 00:04:10,582
Heck, turn around.
111
00:04:10,616 --> 00:04:12,349
I'll do it right now.
112
00:04:14,403 --> 00:04:15,252
Come on, Rebecca.
Fess up.
113
00:04:15,287 --> 00:04:16,837
We know you're
just a seat filler.
114
00:04:16,872 --> 00:04:17,622
I am not!
115
00:04:17,656 --> 00:04:20,375
I told you I was going
with a cardiologist.
116
00:04:20,409 --> 00:04:23,177
A very good-looking
cardiologist.
117
00:04:23,212 --> 00:04:24,412
Oh, yeah? As good-looking
as Sammy here?
118
00:04:24,446 --> 00:04:25,747
Please, he's better-looking.
119
00:04:25,781 --> 00:04:26,781
Oh, yeah?
120
00:04:26,815 --> 00:04:28,165
Well, my date's
so good-looking
121
00:04:28,199 --> 00:04:30,234
that when the two
of us walk down
the street,
122
00:04:30,268 --> 00:04:31,936
people actually
look at her.
123
00:04:34,940 --> 00:04:36,240
Oh, yeah?
124
00:04:36,275 --> 00:04:40,678
Well, my date has saved many,
many lives, and has two homes.
125
00:04:40,712 --> 00:04:44,666
Yeah? Well, my date's
a high-fashion model
126
00:04:44,700 --> 00:04:46,367
and she's known
on two continents.
127
00:04:46,402 --> 00:04:47,735
Oh, yeah?
Which two, Sam?
128
00:04:47,769 --> 00:04:49,571
America and Brazil.
129
00:04:51,073 --> 00:04:52,440
( phone ringing )
130
00:04:53,308 --> 00:04:54,759
Hello, Cheers.
131
00:04:54,793 --> 00:04:55,927
Oh, hi, Jeff.
132
00:04:58,096 --> 00:04:59,964
Oh, gee, that's disappointing.
133
00:05:01,266 --> 00:05:03,685
No, it's no bother,
I don't mind.
134
00:05:04,687 --> 00:05:06,788
Okay, bye.
135
00:05:06,822 --> 00:05:08,022
SAM:
Oh, dear.
136
00:05:08,056 --> 00:05:11,058
Sounds like some heart
specialist decided to stay home
137
00:05:11,093 --> 00:05:12,994
and wash his hair tonight.
138
00:05:13,028 --> 00:05:14,161
He did not.
139
00:05:14,196 --> 00:05:15,963
He has an emergency bypass.
140
00:05:15,998 --> 00:05:17,665
Yeah, he had to bypass you.
141
00:05:22,387 --> 00:05:24,088
I'm telling you the truth.
142
00:05:24,123 --> 00:05:25,623
Boy, you know, it's so pathetic
143
00:05:25,657 --> 00:05:27,659
when you're
all dolled up
144
00:05:27,693 --> 00:05:30,361
and no place to go,
isn't it?
145
00:05:30,395 --> 00:05:32,296
Oh, Sam, that reminds me.
146
00:05:32,331 --> 00:05:33,331
Jacqueline called.
147
00:05:33,366 --> 00:05:35,132
She can't make it tonight.
148
00:05:36,635 --> 00:05:37,501
You're right, Sam.
149
00:05:37,536 --> 00:05:38,903
That is pathetic.
150
00:05:38,937 --> 00:05:40,254
But I'm sure your date
151
00:05:40,289 --> 00:05:41,789
didn't have
any lousy excuse
152
00:05:41,823 --> 00:05:43,424
like heart surgery.
153
00:05:43,459 --> 00:05:45,192
As a matter of fact,
she's very sick.
154
00:05:45,227 --> 00:05:47,078
Sick of you.
155
00:05:47,112 --> 00:05:48,413
( both screaming )
156
00:05:48,447 --> 00:05:51,065
REBECCA:
Well, you have
157
00:05:51,099 --> 00:05:52,132
a good time
tonight, Sam.
158
00:05:52,167 --> 00:05:53,668
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Listen.
159
00:05:53,702 --> 00:05:54,969
Here we are,
160
00:05:55,003 --> 00:05:57,037
both dolled up,
looking like a million bucks.
161
00:05:57,072 --> 00:05:58,973
What do you say
the two of us storm
162
00:05:59,007 --> 00:06:01,241
the old USS Constitutiontogether, huh?
163
00:06:01,276 --> 00:06:02,910
I don't think so.
164
00:06:02,945 --> 00:06:06,647
Oh, are you so depressed
about being stood up?
165
00:06:06,682 --> 00:06:07,648
No.
166
00:06:07,683 --> 00:06:09,149
I just don't want
to go with you.
167
00:06:09,184 --> 00:06:10,751
Wait a minute.
168
00:06:10,786 --> 00:06:13,087
You spent all day
getting dressed up
169
00:06:13,121 --> 00:06:14,455
and you're trying
to tell me
170
00:06:14,490 --> 00:06:16,156
that you'd rather stay
in this bar
171
00:06:16,191 --> 00:06:17,191
than go out with me?
172
00:06:17,225 --> 00:06:18,693
No, Sam,
173
00:06:18,727 --> 00:06:19,760
I am trying to tell you
174
00:06:19,795 --> 00:06:21,462
that I would rather
remove my own gall bladder
175
00:06:21,497 --> 00:06:25,032
with an oyster fork
than go out with you.
176
00:06:27,686 --> 00:06:30,121
Why do you say
these things to me?
177
00:06:30,155 --> 00:06:32,257
I mean, how come
I turn you off so much?
178
00:06:32,291 --> 00:06:33,524
I don't know.
179
00:06:33,558 --> 00:06:34,558
It's just one
of those things
180
00:06:34,593 --> 00:06:35,559
you have
to take on faith.
181
00:06:35,594 --> 00:06:36,928
It's kind of like
I don't know
182
00:06:36,962 --> 00:06:38,629
that the refrigerator
light goes off
183
00:06:38,663 --> 00:06:40,098
for sure when
I close the door.
184
00:06:40,132 --> 00:06:43,268
Well, obviously you never tried
closing it from the inside.
185
00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:51,576
Hey, everybody.
186
00:06:51,610 --> 00:06:53,678
Guess who I brought
back with me?
187
00:06:53,712 --> 00:06:55,196
Sam, how'd you do it?
188
00:06:55,230 --> 00:06:56,964
The doorman at the Ritz Carlton.
189
00:06:58,467 --> 00:06:59,634
CLIFF:
Good Lord,
190
00:06:59,668 --> 00:07:01,452
that's
Admiral William J. Crowe, Jr.
191
00:07:01,487 --> 00:07:03,354
Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff, himself.
192
00:07:03,389 --> 00:07:04,489
WOODY:
Now wait a minute.
193
00:07:04,523 --> 00:07:06,474
The Chairman of the Joint Chiefs
of Staff
194
00:07:06,509 --> 00:07:08,209
is a doorman
at the Ritz Carlton?
195
00:07:09,845 --> 00:07:12,430
No wonder they charge you
so much over there.
196
00:07:12,465 --> 00:07:14,466
Woody, this really
is the Chairman
197
00:07:14,500 --> 00:07:16,367
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
198
00:07:16,401 --> 00:07:18,069
He was at the same dinner I was.
199
00:07:18,103 --> 00:07:21,038
The Navy can't afford to pay
the salary of a doorman, Woody.
200
00:07:21,073 --> 00:07:22,306
You know that.
201
00:07:22,341 --> 00:07:25,577
He recognized me
from my ball-playing days.
202
00:07:25,611 --> 00:07:28,245
Nobody gives up tearing
home runs like Sam Malone.
203
00:07:28,280 --> 00:07:30,131
Thanks.
204
00:07:30,165 --> 00:07:32,666
I wish our missiles
flew as high and as far.
205
00:07:35,003 --> 00:07:36,671
Admiral
William J. Crow, Jr.,
206
00:07:36,705 --> 00:07:38,339
promoted to Admiral
in 1974.
207
00:07:38,373 --> 00:07:40,641
In 1983 commanded
U.S. Pacific Command.
208
00:07:40,676 --> 00:07:44,778
In 1985, appointed 11th Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
209
00:07:44,813 --> 00:07:46,380
Wife, Shirley.
210
00:07:46,415 --> 00:07:47,564
I'm impressed,
young man.
211
00:07:47,599 --> 00:07:49,000
How come you know
so much about me?
212
00:07:49,034 --> 00:07:51,769
Simple, sir. I'm an American.
213
00:07:54,739 --> 00:07:56,941
Clifford Clavin,
U.S. Postal Service, sir.
214
00:07:56,975 --> 00:07:58,742
Nice to know you,
Mr. Clavin.
215
00:07:58,777 --> 00:08:00,945
Us guys in uniform
got to stick together.
216
00:08:00,979 --> 00:08:02,146
Yes, sir.
217
00:08:02,181 --> 00:08:03,080
Were you ever
in the Navy?
218
00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:04,765
No, sir, I wanted to be
219
00:08:04,799 --> 00:08:07,501
but the old asthma
started kicking up, you know.
220
00:08:07,536 --> 00:08:10,504
So, uh, so I joined
the U.S. Postal Service instead.
221
00:08:10,539 --> 00:08:12,072
I figured if I couldn't serve
222
00:08:12,107 --> 00:08:14,442
I should at least
deliver the draft notices
223
00:08:14,476 --> 00:08:17,261
to those who could.
224
00:08:17,296 --> 00:08:19,830
Admiral, hi.
225
00:08:19,864 --> 00:08:20,648
Hi.
226
00:08:20,682 --> 00:08:21,666
I'm Rebecca Howe.
227
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:23,501
It is truly an honor
to have you
228
00:08:23,535 --> 00:08:25,803
in our bar.
229
00:08:25,838 --> 00:08:27,772
It's an honor
for me as well.
230
00:08:27,806 --> 00:08:30,007
Is there anything
I can do for you?
Anything at all?
231
00:08:30,041 --> 00:08:32,643
Well, for starters,
you might go out
with Sam Malone.
232
00:08:32,678 --> 00:08:34,545
I hate to see a man
in constant pain.
233
00:08:37,499 --> 00:08:38,832
Maybe you could ask me
234
00:08:38,867 --> 00:08:40,735
to do something
more enjoyable.
235
00:08:40,769 --> 00:08:42,970
Like, say, a commando mission
in Libya?
236
00:08:43,856 --> 00:08:45,506
I tried, Sam.
237
00:08:46,675 --> 00:08:48,443
Hey, Ad, park it.
238
00:08:52,147 --> 00:08:53,197
I'm Carla Tortelli LeBec.
239
00:08:53,232 --> 00:08:54,298
Hello, Carla.
240
00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,684
I was wondering if
I could ask you a favor.
241
00:08:56,718 --> 00:08:57,785
Sure.
242
00:08:57,820 --> 00:08:59,754
If you're ever
on the USS Lexington,
243
00:08:59,788 --> 00:09:02,222
could you find out
why nobody has ever called
244
00:09:02,257 --> 00:09:05,359
or dropped a note
or sent a card?
245
00:09:05,393 --> 00:09:07,562
That must be
a hell of a ship.
246
00:09:07,596 --> 00:09:09,346
I've had better.
247
00:09:13,235 --> 00:09:16,137
Oh, well, well, well.
248
00:09:16,171 --> 00:09:17,038
What do we have here?
249
00:09:17,072 --> 00:09:21,042
The Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
250
00:09:21,076 --> 00:09:22,243
Mm-hmm.
251
00:09:24,179 --> 00:09:25,013
Hello there, sir.
252
00:09:25,047 --> 00:09:26,114
I'm Dr. Frasier Crane.
253
00:09:26,148 --> 00:09:27,115
Hello, Doctor.
254
00:09:27,149 --> 00:09:28,682
This is my number.
255
00:09:28,717 --> 00:09:31,486
I have treated Napoleon,
Teddy Roosevelt,
256
00:09:31,520 --> 00:09:33,687
and I know I could help you.
257
00:09:36,825 --> 00:09:39,026
Doctor, I really am the Chairman
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
258
00:09:39,060 --> 00:09:40,561
Aye, aye, Admiral.
259
00:09:40,595 --> 00:09:42,362
But I'll keep your card.
260
00:09:42,397 --> 00:09:43,831
I know a lot of people
in the Pentagon
261
00:09:43,865 --> 00:09:45,032
that could use your services.
262
00:09:52,173 --> 00:09:53,524
Hey, Admiral, thanks.
263
00:09:53,558 --> 00:09:55,292
These are great hats.
264
00:09:55,327 --> 00:09:57,145
Hats don't win wars;
ideas do.
265
00:09:57,179 --> 00:09:59,413
Now sir,
here's what separates
266
00:09:59,447 --> 00:10:02,166
my submarine concept
from everybody else's.
267
00:10:02,200 --> 00:10:06,270
You see, mine's got wheels.
268
00:10:08,573 --> 00:10:11,992
Uh, I understand, Cliff.
269
00:10:13,562 --> 00:10:14,762
It's getting late.
270
00:10:14,796 --> 00:10:16,847
Sam, thanks
for the autographed baseball.
271
00:10:16,881 --> 00:10:17,848
Oh, yeah, listen.
272
00:10:17,882 --> 00:10:19,049
If the President
wants one of those,
273
00:10:19,083 --> 00:10:20,050
he knows where to get me.
274
00:10:20,084 --> 00:10:21,469
I'm sure you'll
be hearing from him.
275
00:10:21,503 --> 00:10:22,570
Norm...
276
00:10:22,604 --> 00:10:24,638
Later.
277
00:10:24,673 --> 00:10:26,840
Uh, sir, these plans
I've drawn up
278
00:10:26,875 --> 00:10:28,642
for the new
assault vehicle,
279
00:10:28,677 --> 00:10:30,244
where should
I send them?
280
00:10:30,279 --> 00:10:32,396
Just send them to the Pentagon,
Cliff.
281
00:10:32,430 --> 00:10:33,030
Yes, sir.
282
00:10:33,065 --> 00:10:34,849
Sir, I'm a little bit
283
00:10:34,883 --> 00:10:36,100
worried about that,
though.
284
00:10:36,134 --> 00:10:37,602
If I send them
to the Pentagon,
285
00:10:37,636 --> 00:10:39,103
they might get lost.
286
00:10:40,606 --> 00:10:42,273
Very definitely
send them to the Pentagon.
287
00:10:43,341 --> 00:10:45,009
Yes, sir.
288
00:10:45,043 --> 00:10:47,344
Am I lucky or what?
289
00:10:47,379 --> 00:10:49,914
One of the most
famous people
in the country
290
00:10:49,948 --> 00:10:53,017
comes into my bar,
and I am dressed for it.
291
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:53,985
By the way, Rebecca,
292
00:10:54,019 --> 00:10:55,987
when are you going
to take that thing off?
293
00:10:56,021 --> 00:10:58,088
Oh, I might just dress this way
all the time.
294
00:10:58,123 --> 00:11:01,392
It makes me feel all at once
desirable and businesslike.
295
00:11:01,426 --> 00:11:02,293
You got a point.
296
00:11:02,411 --> 00:11:04,945
About a half dozen guys asked me
how much you charge.
297
00:11:06,314 --> 00:11:08,783
By the way, if anyone
says "Carla sent me,"
298
00:11:08,817 --> 00:11:10,050
you owe me five bucks.
299
00:11:11,787 --> 00:11:13,287
Carla, I'm just about
to have a break.
300
00:11:13,321 --> 00:11:14,455
You think you can
teach me
301
00:11:14,489 --> 00:11:17,058
to make raspberry sounds
with my armpit?
302
00:11:17,092 --> 00:11:18,325
No, no, I've got
303
00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:21,028
to be wearing a tank top
to get the full effect.
304
00:11:23,665 --> 00:11:25,566
But you know,
I can teach you how
305
00:11:25,600 --> 00:11:27,501
to make blue sparks
in your mouth
306
00:11:27,535 --> 00:11:29,003
with a Lifesaver candy.
307
00:11:30,773 --> 00:11:31,939
They're gone!
308
00:11:31,974 --> 00:11:32,622
Who's gone?
309
00:11:32,657 --> 00:11:35,142
My diamond earrings.
They're gone.
310
00:11:35,176 --> 00:11:36,376
Calm down.
Where'd you put them?
311
00:11:36,411 --> 00:11:38,913
I had them in a tumbler,
and I put it on my desk,
312
00:11:38,947 --> 00:11:40,180
and nobody
was in there but me.
313
00:11:40,214 --> 00:11:41,749
And my door was locked
the whole time
314
00:11:41,783 --> 00:11:43,617
and I was the only one
that was in there.
315
00:11:43,652 --> 00:11:44,919
No, no, the Admiral went
in there to use the phone.
316
00:11:46,922 --> 00:11:48,823
You're right.
317
00:11:48,857 --> 00:11:51,058
He was in there alone.
318
00:11:51,093 --> 00:11:52,793
Oh, Lord.
319
00:11:53,962 --> 00:11:56,463
The Chairman of the Joint
Chiefs of Staff
320
00:11:56,498 --> 00:11:58,465
of the United States
of America,
321
00:11:58,500 --> 00:11:59,667
stole my earrings!
322
00:12:11,546 --> 00:12:13,964
Oh! I just don't believe this!
323
00:12:13,998 --> 00:12:17,367
And he seemed like
such a nice Chairman
324
00:12:17,402 --> 00:12:20,137
of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
325
00:12:20,171 --> 00:12:21,388
Rebecca Howe,
this smacks of treason.
326
00:12:21,422 --> 00:12:22,422
I've got
a good mind
327
00:12:22,457 --> 00:12:23,791
to place you under arrest.
328
00:12:23,825 --> 00:12:25,876
Cliff, if you
had a good mind,
329
00:12:25,911 --> 00:12:27,878
you would
still be stupid.
330
00:12:27,913 --> 00:12:29,213
SAM:
Hey, come on.
331
00:12:29,247 --> 00:12:31,282
Why would anyone who
has a super job,
332
00:12:31,316 --> 00:12:32,482
makes a great living,
333
00:12:32,517 --> 00:12:34,518
and can shop at
any PX in the world,
334
00:12:34,552 --> 00:12:36,086
want to steal
your earrings?
335
00:12:36,121 --> 00:12:37,955
You saw them.
They were gorgeous.
336
00:12:37,989 --> 00:12:39,223
CLIFF:
All right,
that's it.
337
00:12:39,257 --> 00:12:43,760
Rebecca Howe, I would like
your social security number.
338
00:12:43,795 --> 00:12:44,761
Oh, Cliff, shut up.
339
00:12:44,796 --> 00:12:45,930
NORM:
All right,
wait, wait.
340
00:12:45,964 --> 00:12:47,064
Maybe he did take them.
341
00:12:47,098 --> 00:12:49,099
Oh, great.
Seditionists everywhere.
342
00:12:49,134 --> 00:12:51,402
No, no. Maybe the guy had
an anniversary coming up,
343
00:12:51,436 --> 00:12:54,038
and he didn't have time to shop
because he's too damn busy
344
00:12:54,072 --> 00:12:55,039
running the military.
345
00:12:55,073 --> 00:12:57,507
No, no. That doesn't wash, Norm.
346
00:12:57,542 --> 00:13:00,010
His anniversary
was February 14th.
347
00:13:00,045 --> 00:13:00,477
All right, Cliff.
All right.
348
00:13:00,511 --> 00:13:01,611
Maybe this, okay?
349
00:13:01,646 --> 00:13:03,547
Maybe he wears
them himself.
350
00:13:03,582 --> 00:13:05,749
Yeah, right.
He wears earrings
351
00:13:05,783 --> 00:13:07,851
and I wear
women's lingerie.
352
00:13:07,885 --> 00:13:10,120
Carla,
you were right.
353
00:13:13,124 --> 00:13:14,858
REBECCA:
I don't care
354
00:13:14,892 --> 00:13:15,526
why he did it.
355
00:13:15,560 --> 00:13:17,979
The fact is that
my earrings are gone,
356
00:13:18,013 --> 00:13:19,646
and the admiral took them.
357
00:13:19,681 --> 00:13:20,581
Oh, come on.
358
00:13:20,615 --> 00:13:21,582
This is silly.
359
00:13:21,616 --> 00:13:23,017
Let's just go
in your office here
360
00:13:23,051 --> 00:13:24,018
and look for them.
361
00:13:24,052 --> 00:13:25,086
I have looked for them.
362
00:13:25,120 --> 00:13:26,587
I told you,
they're not in there!
363
00:13:26,621 --> 00:13:28,555
I'm calling the police.
Oh, don't do that.
364
00:13:28,590 --> 00:13:30,240
Well, now that
we're through
being interrupted,
365
00:13:30,275 --> 00:13:32,025
let's get down to
real serious matters.
366
00:13:32,060 --> 00:13:33,811
Carla, you can't
make blue sparks
367
00:13:33,845 --> 00:13:36,113
come out of your mouth
with a Lifesaver.
368
00:13:36,148 --> 00:13:39,650
Well, not just
any Lifesaver.
369
00:13:39,685 --> 00:13:42,987
A magic Wint-o-green
Lifesaver.
370
00:13:43,021 --> 00:13:44,788
Oh, now, Carla, don't prey
on their gullibility.
371
00:13:44,823 --> 00:13:46,156
There's nothing magical
about it.
372
00:13:46,190 --> 00:13:48,291
It's just a simple
chemical reaction.
373
00:13:48,326 --> 00:13:49,593
When you crunch down
on a Lifesaver,
374
00:13:49,628 --> 00:13:52,162
electrons strike
nitrogen molecules,
375
00:13:52,197 --> 00:13:53,664
which causes the latter
376
00:13:53,699 --> 00:13:56,066
to emit an invisible
ultraviolet radiation
377
00:13:56,100 --> 00:13:58,168
which, when absorbed
by the methyl salicilate
378
00:13:58,203 --> 00:14:01,839
in the Wintergreen flavoring,
produces a flash of blue light.
379
00:14:01,873 --> 00:14:03,874
Makes sense.
380
00:14:05,176 --> 00:14:06,843
I find that
when you say that
381
00:14:06,878 --> 00:14:08,945
to Dr. Crane,
he stops talking.
382
00:14:13,268 --> 00:14:14,501
See? They're
not here.
383
00:14:14,535 --> 00:14:16,203
I told you,
they are no here!
384
00:14:16,237 --> 00:14:18,472
Calm down. Will you
calm down, please?
385
00:14:18,506 --> 00:14:20,174
I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm calm!
386
00:14:20,208 --> 00:14:21,708
What's the number for 911?
387
00:14:21,742 --> 00:14:23,677
You are not going
to call the police.
388
00:14:23,711 --> 00:14:26,447
Sam, I have told you
to remove your hand
from many a location,
389
00:14:26,481 --> 00:14:28,382
but I have
never been more
serious than now.
390
00:14:28,416 --> 00:14:30,550
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come on. Back off here.
391
00:14:30,585 --> 00:14:32,987
They're earrings.
You'll buy another pair.
392
00:14:33,021 --> 00:14:34,188
Oh, yeah. Right!
393
00:14:34,222 --> 00:14:35,990
What are you
going to do?
394
00:14:36,024 --> 00:14:37,224
Spot me $32,000?
395
00:14:37,258 --> 00:14:40,177
American money?
396
00:14:40,211 --> 00:14:44,047
I didn't exactly
buy those earrings.
397
00:14:44,082 --> 00:14:47,017
I told the man
at Shreve, Crump & Lowe
398
00:14:47,051 --> 00:14:47,952
that I just wanted
399
00:14:47,986 --> 00:14:49,670
to take them out
for the evening
400
00:14:49,704 --> 00:14:52,273
to make sure that I really,
really wanted them.
401
00:14:52,307 --> 00:14:55,475
I don't think that dress
is meant to do that.
402
00:14:55,510 --> 00:14:58,396
And then I was going to just
403
00:14:58,430 --> 00:14:59,263
wear them tonight,
404
00:14:59,297 --> 00:15:00,964
and look really
beautiful, you know?
405
00:15:00,999 --> 00:15:03,367
Then I was going
to take them back
in the morning.
406
00:15:03,402 --> 00:15:06,003
But... God. Shreve
is holding all
my credit cards,
407
00:15:06,037 --> 00:15:07,421
the pink slip to my Mercedes,
408
00:15:07,455 --> 00:15:09,223
and my mom and dad's
phone number.
409
00:15:09,257 --> 00:15:12,292
Uh-oh. Good chance you could
be sent to your room
410
00:15:12,327 --> 00:15:14,194
for five to 15 years.
411
00:15:14,229 --> 00:15:15,779
You know,
you're really not helping.
412
00:15:15,813 --> 00:15:17,013
Just get out of here.
413
00:15:18,416 --> 00:15:19,967
God! I would
do anything
414
00:15:20,001 --> 00:15:21,668
to get those
earrings back.
415
00:15:31,079 --> 00:15:36,133
Yes, Sam,
I am exactly that desperate.
416
00:15:37,135 --> 00:15:38,802
I don't care what it takes.
417
00:15:38,836 --> 00:15:40,771
Go to the admiral's hotel room,
418
00:15:40,805 --> 00:15:42,740
sneak in there
and steal those earrings.
419
00:15:42,774 --> 00:15:46,543
Just get them back for me and,
yes, Lord help me,
420
00:15:46,578 --> 00:15:49,880
I will go to bed with you.
421
00:15:49,914 --> 00:15:53,918
I'm going to turn
this joint upside down.
422
00:15:53,952 --> 00:15:55,152
Starting with you.
Sam!
423
00:15:55,186 --> 00:15:56,487
All right,
all right, all right.
424
00:15:56,521 --> 00:15:58,121
Ending with you.
425
00:16:01,209 --> 00:16:02,659
I saw it!
426
00:16:02,694 --> 00:16:05,329
Blue sparks
in Carla's mouth!
427
00:16:05,364 --> 00:16:07,031
Hey, guys. Listen, fellas.
428
00:16:07,065 --> 00:16:08,832
Am I interrupting anything?
429
00:16:08,867 --> 00:16:11,602
Just science making
another leap forward.
430
00:16:11,636 --> 00:16:13,604
Fellas, listen. All right,
come here. Listen.
431
00:16:13,638 --> 00:16:15,772
Come here. Listen.
I need your help here now.
432
00:16:15,806 --> 00:16:17,974
I want to get my hands
on Rebecca's jewels
433
00:16:18,009 --> 00:16:20,076
but, first, I've got
to find her earrings.
434
00:16:20,111 --> 00:16:23,213
All right, Sammy,
we're here for you.
435
00:16:23,248 --> 00:16:25,949
All right. Now,
I guess we could
436
00:16:25,983 --> 00:16:27,083
buy her another pair,
437
00:16:27,118 --> 00:16:29,419
but that would set us back
about 32 grand.
438
00:16:29,454 --> 00:16:31,622
Not here for you, Sam.
Left an hour ago.
439
00:16:32,823 --> 00:16:34,291
All right, all right.
Now, there's got to be...
440
00:16:34,325 --> 00:16:35,759
See, I figure
that she probably
441
00:16:35,793 --> 00:16:37,927
just put them down someplace
for safekeeping,
442
00:16:37,962 --> 00:16:39,630
and then forgot
where she put them.
443
00:16:39,664 --> 00:16:42,432
I got to just find a way to,
you know, jog her memory.
444
00:16:42,467 --> 00:16:44,334
I... I know
what we should do.
What?
445
00:16:44,369 --> 00:16:45,835
I saw this in a movie once.
446
00:16:45,870 --> 00:16:48,938
We gather the suspects
all together in one room.
447
00:16:48,973 --> 00:16:50,657
Right. And then
you recreate the crime
448
00:16:50,692 --> 00:16:53,294
so that you can work backwards
and find out what happened.
449
00:16:53,328 --> 00:16:54,228
Yeah.
Let's go.
450
00:16:54,262 --> 00:16:55,262
Hey, Sammy, uh...
451
00:16:55,297 --> 00:16:57,598
since I'm the only one
here in uniform,
452
00:16:57,632 --> 00:16:59,467
I suggest
I play Admiral Crowe.
453
00:16:59,501 --> 00:17:02,002
Well, if you're Admiral Crowe,
who's going to be Mr. Clavin?
454
00:17:02,036 --> 00:17:04,037
Aw, any of you yutzes
can handle that.
455
00:17:11,630 --> 00:17:13,330
( Sam clears his throat )
456
00:17:14,215 --> 00:17:16,467
What are you all doing in here?
457
00:17:16,501 --> 00:17:18,335
Well, Cliff here has agreed
458
00:17:18,370 --> 00:17:20,637
to portray Admiral Crowe
so we can
459
00:17:20,672 --> 00:17:23,106
recreate the alleged crime
460
00:17:23,140 --> 00:17:24,908
so we can figure out
what happened.
461
00:17:24,942 --> 00:17:26,543
And what about you two guys?
462
00:17:26,578 --> 00:17:28,446
We're witnesses.
463
00:17:28,480 --> 00:17:29,880
Yeah, we're
pretty much
464
00:17:29,914 --> 00:17:32,483
just gonna hang
around and... and watch.
465
00:17:32,517 --> 00:17:34,818
That's a stretch.
466
00:17:36,037 --> 00:17:37,504
SAM:
Okay, uh...
467
00:17:37,538 --> 00:17:40,841
Admiral Crowe came in
and asked to use the phone.
468
00:17:40,875 --> 00:17:42,343
What did he say?
469
00:17:42,377 --> 00:17:44,778
"May I use the phone?"
470
00:17:44,812 --> 00:17:46,997
Excuse me, Rebecca.
That's my line.
471
00:17:50,952 --> 00:17:52,553
Then what?
472
00:17:52,587 --> 00:17:55,255
And I said, "Sure,"
and he said, "Thank you.
473
00:17:55,289 --> 00:17:58,174
Huh. Look who thinks
she's Admiral Crowe.
474
00:18:01,963 --> 00:18:03,764
All right.
475
00:18:03,798 --> 00:18:06,099
Now, he came in here,
he was alone.
476
00:18:06,134 --> 00:18:07,768
Was he
carrying anything?
477
00:18:07,802 --> 00:18:10,437
Uh... I think he was carrying
a glass of water.
478
00:18:10,472 --> 00:18:11,938
I see.
479
00:18:11,973 --> 00:18:14,441
And did he put this
glass of water down?
480
00:18:14,476 --> 00:18:15,942
I think so.
481
00:18:15,977 --> 00:18:20,181
Next to, perhaps,
this glass?
482
00:18:20,215 --> 00:18:21,348
Ooh!
483
00:18:22,750 --> 00:18:24,417
I see what you're
getting at, Sam.
484
00:18:24,452 --> 00:18:26,519
You think that
he picked up
the other glass
485
00:18:26,554 --> 00:18:28,555
with the earrings
in it and took it out.
486
00:18:28,589 --> 00:18:31,325
Yeah, right. Absolutely.
487
00:18:31,359 --> 00:18:34,061
Guys, we're out of here.
488
00:18:36,197 --> 00:18:38,498
Hey, I didn't
get to portray
Admiral Crowe.
489
00:18:38,532 --> 00:18:40,000
Uh... all right. Uh...
490
00:18:40,034 --> 00:18:41,485
Rebecca,
as a favor for Cliff,
491
00:18:41,519 --> 00:18:43,887
what was the last words
the Admiral said? Anything?
492
00:18:43,921 --> 00:18:45,756
Yes. Before he left, he said,
493
00:18:45,790 --> 00:18:48,759
"I want to get out of this bar
as fast as I can
494
00:18:48,793 --> 00:18:51,328
before I run into
that stupid mailman."
495
00:18:51,362 --> 00:18:54,248
He stole them,
all right.
496
00:18:54,282 --> 00:18:55,548
Wait.
497
00:18:55,583 --> 00:18:56,633
You were supposed
498
00:18:56,668 --> 00:18:58,268
to help me find my earrings.
Come on!
499
00:18:58,302 --> 00:19:00,403
Yeah. Look what I found
in this dirty old glass.
500
00:19:00,438 --> 00:19:03,006
Oh! Oh!
501
00:19:03,040 --> 00:19:06,242
Oh! You are
such an angel!
502
00:19:06,277 --> 00:19:08,712
Oh, how can
I ever thank you?
503
00:19:10,131 --> 00:19:13,133
I think the how has
already been established.
504
00:19:16,037 --> 00:19:20,423
We're up to where
and how often.
505
00:19:23,644 --> 00:19:28,848
Well... a promise is a promise.
506
00:19:28,883 --> 00:19:31,251
Come on. I hate that.
507
00:19:31,286 --> 00:19:32,819
I hate it
when you do that.
508
00:19:32,854 --> 00:19:35,289
Come on. What...
what's wrong with you?
509
00:19:35,323 --> 00:19:37,057
Why... why
don't you want me?
510
00:19:37,091 --> 00:19:38,392
What's the problem?
511
00:19:38,426 --> 00:19:39,560
You know, Sam, I really...
512
00:19:39,594 --> 00:19:41,462
I just don't know
why I don't want you.
513
00:19:41,496 --> 00:19:43,363
Well, think,
damn it!
514
00:19:46,668 --> 00:19:48,802
I think it's just one
of those things that,
515
00:19:48,837 --> 00:19:50,136
when you first meet a guy,
516
00:19:50,171 --> 00:19:53,173
you put him in one of three
categories-- yes, no or maybe.
517
00:19:53,207 --> 00:19:54,741
From the second
I saw you,
518
00:19:54,776 --> 00:19:56,710
I threw you right
in that "no" category,
519
00:19:56,745 --> 00:19:58,979
and that's where
you've stayed ever since.
520
00:19:59,013 --> 00:20:01,315
I mean, when
Sam Malone walks
into a room,
521
00:20:01,349 --> 00:20:04,050
I say "no" and go on
with my life.
522
00:20:04,084 --> 00:20:06,586
Every single time?
523
00:20:06,621 --> 00:20:08,239
No. There was this one time,
524
00:20:08,273 --> 00:20:10,907
when you were way down
at the end of the hall,
525
00:20:10,942 --> 00:20:14,345
and I could just see this tiny
little piece of your elbow,
526
00:20:14,379 --> 00:20:16,747
and I didn't know for sure
if it was you.
527
00:20:16,781 --> 00:20:20,100
And I thought
to myself, hmm.
528
00:20:20,134 --> 00:20:21,668
And then you came
around the corner,
529
00:20:21,702 --> 00:20:23,870
and I thought, "God, no!"
530
00:20:25,440 --> 00:20:30,477
"God, no" is a lot worse
than just no, isn't it?
531
00:20:30,512 --> 00:20:32,846
Sam, wait. I want
to ask you something.
532
00:20:32,880 --> 00:20:35,449
And I want an answer to this.
533
00:20:35,483 --> 00:20:37,017
Why do you care?
534
00:20:38,186 --> 00:20:39,502
Why do you want me?
535
00:20:39,537 --> 00:20:41,304
I... I have never
given you any reason.
536
00:20:41,338 --> 00:20:42,539
I've never come on to you.
537
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,007
Why do you keep hitting on me?
538
00:20:46,310 --> 00:20:49,530
Uh... I don't know. I...
539
00:20:49,564 --> 00:20:52,699
I guess that I...
when I meet women,
540
00:20:52,733 --> 00:20:56,270
I put them into one
of three categories.
541
00:20:56,304 --> 00:20:58,121
Oh, who am I kidding?
542
00:20:58,155 --> 00:21:00,857
I put them into one category.
543
00:21:02,710 --> 00:21:04,761
Boy, I guess
I shouldn't do that.
544
00:21:04,796 --> 00:21:07,464
I mean, that's
not really fair to you.
545
00:21:07,498 --> 00:21:09,365
I'm sorry.
546
00:21:09,400 --> 00:21:11,218
Thank you, Sam.
547
00:21:12,520 --> 00:21:14,554
I know that wasn't easy
for you to say.
548
00:21:14,589 --> 00:21:16,773
I haven't been
549
00:21:16,808 --> 00:21:18,058
real fair myself.
550
00:21:18,092 --> 00:21:20,960
I mean, I haven't
really given you a chance.
551
00:21:20,995 --> 00:21:22,545
Don't worry about it.
552
00:21:22,580 --> 00:21:25,281
I mean...
Gee, I wish we could just
553
00:21:25,316 --> 00:21:27,451
start all over
again, you know?
554
00:21:27,485 --> 00:21:30,421
Just wipe all this
junk out of the way.
555
00:21:30,455 --> 00:21:32,423
I like that idea.
556
00:21:32,457 --> 00:21:34,991
Yeah, I mean, it's,
like, if I could
557
00:21:35,026 --> 00:21:36,927
see you for
the first time,
558
00:21:36,961 --> 00:21:39,095
I'd look over there
and I'd...
559
00:21:39,130 --> 00:21:41,398
well, I'd see
a beautiful woman.
560
00:21:41,433 --> 00:21:43,167
Thank you.
561
00:21:43,201 --> 00:21:47,470
And I'd see you, and I'd see
a real good-looking guy.
562
00:21:47,505 --> 00:21:50,573
With... with nice hair.
563
00:21:50,608 --> 00:21:53,760
Right.
564
00:21:53,794 --> 00:21:55,529
Say it.
565
00:21:58,366 --> 00:21:59,832
With nice hair.
566
00:21:59,867 --> 00:22:00,934
Thank you.
567
00:22:00,968 --> 00:22:02,135
And broad shoulders and...
568
00:22:03,204 --> 00:22:04,637
a pleasant smile.
569
00:22:05,906 --> 00:22:08,024
Nice hair again.
570
00:22:08,059 --> 00:22:10,160
Aw, see, you're...
571
00:22:10,194 --> 00:22:11,528
you're patronizing me.
572
00:22:11,562 --> 00:22:14,097
No, I'm not. I am
not patronizing you.
573
00:22:14,132 --> 00:22:15,799
We said we were going
to be honest.
574
00:22:15,833 --> 00:22:17,433
I think you're
an attractive guy.
575
00:22:17,468 --> 00:22:19,936
I think you're
cute enough to kiss.
576
00:22:19,971 --> 00:22:21,621
I mean, if I didn't know you.
577
00:22:21,656 --> 00:22:22,956
Yeah, yeah...
if you didn't know me.
578
00:22:22,990 --> 00:22:23,924
All right, what?
579
00:22:23,958 --> 00:22:25,692
You want me to
prove it to you
580
00:22:25,726 --> 00:22:27,193
that I think
you're cute?
581
00:22:27,227 --> 00:22:28,194
All right, fine.
582
00:22:28,228 --> 00:22:29,629
I will prove it to you.
583
00:22:29,664 --> 00:22:32,632
I will dispel the myth
that you turn my stomach.
584
00:22:32,667 --> 00:22:34,568
I will give you a little kiss.
585
00:22:35,703 --> 00:22:36,720
Here.
586
00:22:37,722 --> 00:22:38,722
There.
587
00:22:49,367 --> 00:22:51,868
Now, what category
am I in?
588
00:22:52,870 --> 00:22:54,971
Yes?
589
00:22:55,005 --> 00:22:56,573
No?
590
00:22:56,608 --> 00:22:58,842
Oh, geez.
591
00:22:58,876 --> 00:23:02,212
Why do I even
bother with you?
592
00:23:03,197 --> 00:23:06,683
Ooh! A definite maybe.
593
00:23:06,717 --> 00:23:08,651
I heard that.
594
00:23:09,787 --> 00:23:10,887
You said maybe!
595
00:23:11,472 --> 00:23:12,105
You said maybe!
596
00:23:12,139 --> 00:23:14,858
Rebecca thinks I'm a maybe!
597
00:23:14,892 --> 00:23:16,209
I did not say that!
598
00:23:16,243 --> 00:23:17,744
I said that you kiss
like my Uncle Abey!
599
00:23:17,778 --> 00:23:19,462
No, no, no.
600
00:23:19,497 --> 00:23:22,515
I said that I think
you gave me rabies!
55997
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