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1
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,600
WOMAN ( on TV ):
You're up pretty late,
aren't you?
2
00:00:08,600 --> 00:00:11,500
Nothing better to do
than watch TV?
3
00:00:11,500 --> 00:00:15,100
Feeling a little lonely
in the big city?
4
00:00:15,100 --> 00:00:16,500
Come and join the party.
5
00:00:16,500 --> 00:00:19,800
Call 5, double five, P-R-T-Y,
6
00:00:19,900 --> 00:00:23,000
for the best party line
in Boston, that's right.
7
00:00:23,000 --> 00:00:26,000
There are lots of fun people
on the line right now
8
00:00:26,000 --> 00:00:29,700
waiting for you to join
in their fun talk.
9
00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:32,200
Only $2.00 plus toll if any,
for three minutes
10
00:00:32,200 --> 00:00:34,000
of party line madness.
11
00:00:34,000 --> 00:00:35,900
Why don't you try it?
12
00:00:36,000 --> 00:00:37,700
There's only one way to find out
13
00:00:37,700 --> 00:00:41,500
what sort of wild people
call the party line.
14
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:45,500
Dial 5, double five, P-R-T-Y.
15
00:00:48,000 --> 00:00:49,600
( TV shuts off )
16
00:00:53,300 --> 00:00:57,300
Hi, my name's Woody
and I'm from Indiana and I...
17
00:00:57,300 --> 00:01:00,100
Oh, hi, Mr. Clavin.
18
00:01:00,200 --> 00:01:02,300
Hey!
19
00:01:02,400 --> 00:01:06,300
( piano plays )
20
00:01:06,300 --> 00:01:08,200
� Sometimes you want to go
21
00:01:08,300 --> 00:01:13,700
� Where everybody
knows your name �
22
00:01:13,700 --> 00:01:18,700
� And they're always glad
you came �
23
00:01:18,700 --> 00:01:20,700
� You want to be
where you can see �
24
00:01:20,700 --> 00:01:23,200
� Our troubles
are all the same �
25
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:28,200
� You want to go where everybody
knows your name �
26
00:01:46,300 --> 00:01:49,400
How about over here
by the bar, Miss Howe?
27
00:01:49,500 --> 00:01:51,600
Do we really have to do this?
28
00:01:51,600 --> 00:01:52,900
What's going on?
29
00:01:52,900 --> 00:01:54,000
I'll be right with you.
30
00:01:54,100 --> 00:01:57,100
The Globe's doing an article
on women who run pubs.
31
00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:58,800
Now he wants
to take my picture.
32
00:01:58,800 --> 00:02:00,100
I really dread this, Sam.
33
00:02:00,100 --> 00:02:00,900
Why?
34
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,000
Because I get
so tensed up
35
00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:03,000
in front of a camera.
36
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:04,100
All of a sudden
37
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:07,200
I start looking like something
the cat coughed up.
38
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:10,600
Ooh, can I have
an eight-by-ten
for my mantelpiece?
39
00:02:10,600 --> 00:02:15,000
How about a two-by-four
for your bridgework?
40
00:02:15,000 --> 00:02:17,000
Listen, let me give you
a few hints here.
41
00:02:17,000 --> 00:02:20,200
I had a lot of pictures taken
of me when I was playing ball.
42
00:02:20,200 --> 00:02:22,900
Just relax, take
the tip of your tongue
43
00:02:22,900 --> 00:02:23,900
and wet your lips.
44
00:02:23,900 --> 00:02:24,900
Good.
45
00:02:25,100 --> 00:02:26,100
Now, wet my lips.
46
00:02:26,100 --> 00:02:27,800
Oh, Malone!
47
00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:29,400
Uh-oh, you're tensing
up now, just relax.
48
00:02:29,400 --> 00:02:30,700
( camera shutter clicks )
49
00:02:30,700 --> 00:02:31,900
Thank you.
50
00:02:31,900 --> 00:02:32,900
No, wait a minute!
51
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,000
You can't use that picture!
52
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:35,700
I had my tongue
sticking out.
53
00:02:35,700 --> 00:02:38,400
Can I have three
copies of that?
54
00:02:38,400 --> 00:02:40,600
Now, please, take
another picture and
warn me this time.
55
00:02:40,700 --> 00:02:42,900
I want this to look
natural and spontaneous.
56
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:50,200
Come on, come on.
You gotta relax.
57
00:02:50,300 --> 00:02:51,500
Think of something
ridiculous.
58
00:02:51,500 --> 00:02:52,500
Like what?
59
00:02:52,500 --> 00:02:55,100
Like him.
60
00:02:55,100 --> 00:02:56,600
( giggles )
61
00:02:56,600 --> 00:02:59,300
Hey, you're better than
the Snoopy puppets
I use with the kids.
62
00:02:59,300 --> 00:03:00,900
Thanks, Miss Howe.
63
00:03:05,100 --> 00:03:06,500
Boy, oh, boy.
64
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:10,000
How many times have I walked
through that door, huh?
65
00:03:10,100 --> 00:03:14,200
Yep, good-bye old bar.
66
00:03:14,200 --> 00:03:16,500
Take care, old stool.
67
00:03:18,200 --> 00:03:19,600
Where you
going, Cliff?
68
00:03:21,000 --> 00:03:22,500
I'm going in
for surgery tomorrow.
69
00:03:22,500 --> 00:03:25,600
Who knows if I'll ever
walk into God's blue sky again.
70
00:03:25,600 --> 00:03:27,100
It's all up
to the man upstairs.
71
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:29,300
Vic, the ma�tre d'
at Melville's?
72
00:03:30,700 --> 00:03:33,600
No, Woody.
No, never mind.
73
00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,900
What, what are you, what
are you talking about?
74
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:37,500
Well, it took
a lot of expensive
75
00:03:37,500 --> 00:03:39,000
and complicated
tests, Sammy,
76
00:03:39,100 --> 00:03:40,700
but they finally
found out
77
00:03:40,800 --> 00:03:42,900
what that pain was
in my abdomen.
78
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:46,600
The experts call it
appendicitis.
79
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:47,600
( all chuckling )
80
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,500
Woo, Cliffie,
come on.
81
00:03:49,600 --> 00:03:51,300
Now, that's a simple...
you know, I had it
when I was a kid.
82
00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:53,500
There's nothing
to it.
83
00:03:53,500 --> 00:03:55,000
I actually liked
having my appendix out.
84
00:03:55,100 --> 00:03:57,700
My parents told me I could
have all the ice cream I wanted.
85
00:03:57,700 --> 00:03:58,700
No, Woody,
86
00:03:58,700 --> 00:04:00,700
I think you're
talking about tonsils.
87
00:04:00,800 --> 00:04:03,100
Well, it was a long time ago,
Sam, but I'm pretty sure
88
00:04:03,100 --> 00:04:04,800
it was ice cream.
89
00:04:08,200 --> 00:04:09,600
So when are you going in?
90
00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:11,300
It's tomorrow.
91
00:04:11,300 --> 00:04:13,800
Now, look, I want you guys
to promise me, you know,
92
00:04:13,800 --> 00:04:16,300
if I don't pull through
this thing, you know,
93
00:04:16,400 --> 00:04:18,000
there'll be no big,
emotional scenes,
94
00:04:18,100 --> 00:04:19,100
no eulogies,
95
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:21,000
just a small
memorial service
96
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,500
where you guys sit around
and tell the funniest
stories about me.
97
00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:27,000
Okay, I got dibs
on this one.
98
00:04:28,500 --> 00:04:29,800
Great news, everybody!
99
00:04:29,800 --> 00:04:32,200
Lilith and I have just gotten
back from the auto club.
100
00:04:32,200 --> 00:04:33,300
LILITH:
We have the complete
101
00:04:33,300 --> 00:04:34,800
itinerary for our
motoring trip
102
00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:38,400
through the U.S.A.
in our Chevrolet.
103
00:04:38,500 --> 00:04:39,800
It's a Mercedes, dear.
104
00:04:39,800 --> 00:04:41,500
That was a joke, Frasier.
105
00:04:41,500 --> 00:04:46,400
Oh, I forgot I
married a madcap.
106
00:04:46,500 --> 00:04:48,800
Hey, listen, folks,
nobody's really interested
107
00:04:48,900 --> 00:04:50,100
about your little
motor trip.
108
00:04:50,100 --> 00:04:51,600
We're talking about
my upcoming surgery.
109
00:04:51,700 --> 00:04:53,300
So, now,
where was I?
110
00:04:53,300 --> 00:04:55,400
So you gonna see
the Grand Canyon?
111
00:04:55,400 --> 00:04:57,100
Yeah, don't miss Yosemite.
112
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:58,000
WOODY:
Listen, if you've go
113
00:04:58,000 --> 00:05:00,100
to the alligator farm
outside Tallahassee,
114
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,300
tell Ivar Woody
says hey, hey.
115
00:05:02,400 --> 00:05:04,300
FRASIER:
Of course. Okay,
gather around everybody.
116
00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,300
I'll show you the interstates
we're gonna take.
117
00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:08,900
Sam, can I talk to you
for a minute?
118
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,200
Sure, have a seat.
119
00:05:11,200 --> 00:05:12,500
Frasier and I
120
00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:15,800
will be covering over
4,500 miles round trip,
121
00:05:15,800 --> 00:05:17,000
and I think it's only fair
122
00:05:17,100 --> 00:05:18,600
that I share
some of the driving.
123
00:05:18,700 --> 00:05:21,500
However, I am handicapped
by one tiny thing.
124
00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:25,200
I've never operated
a motorized vehicle before.
125
00:05:25,200 --> 00:05:28,100
You don't know
how to drive?
126
00:05:28,100 --> 00:05:28,800
I always meant to learn,
127
00:05:28,900 --> 00:05:31,800
but when I was a teenager,
I was too busy having fun.
128
00:05:33,500 --> 00:05:34,900
Would you teach me, Sam?
129
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:37,200
Uh, well, what
about Frasier?
130
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:38,400
We're too close.
131
00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:40,100
I need someone
to whom I have
132
00:05:40,200 --> 00:05:42,500
no emotional
attachment whatsoever.
133
00:05:42,500 --> 00:05:45,600
So as a friend,
would you do me this favor?
134
00:05:45,600 --> 00:05:47,700
Yeah, why not?
135
00:05:47,700 --> 00:05:48,800
When do we start?
136
00:05:48,900 --> 00:05:49,600
The sooner the better.
137
00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:50,700
All right.
138
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:52,600
Um, how do you
think I'll do?
139
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:57,000
I've never had a woman in
a car that didn't do great.
140
00:05:57,100 --> 00:05:58,000
Wonderful.
141
00:05:58,100 --> 00:05:59,100
You teach me to drive,
142
00:05:59,200 --> 00:06:01,500
I'll help you
with your sense of humor.
143
00:06:03,400 --> 00:06:04,800
Here's where you've
got to be real careful.
144
00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:06,600
You see, I-75 runs
right down here into I-30.
145
00:06:06,600 --> 00:06:08,800
Now, if you don't stay in that
far left lane,
146
00:06:08,800 --> 00:06:11,400
it's hello, Tulsa!
147
00:06:11,400 --> 00:06:14,100
Well, I've got to be
moseying on, you guys.
148
00:06:14,100 --> 00:06:15,100
I'll, you know,
see you later.
149
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:17,500
I'm going under the knife
in about 12 hours or so.
150
00:06:17,500 --> 00:06:18,600
Yeah, look, don't feel
151
00:06:18,700 --> 00:06:20,500
that you have to go
out of your way to stop by,
152
00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:22,100
you know, and visit,
153
00:06:22,100 --> 00:06:24,300
New England Presbyterian,
Room one niner four,
154
00:06:24,300 --> 00:06:26,900
visiting hours between
11:00 and 9:00.
155
00:06:26,900 --> 00:06:29,500
Cliffie, I'm sure everything
is going to be just okay.
156
00:06:29,600 --> 00:06:31,000
Oh, yeah, well, no,
sure, there's no...
157
00:06:31,000 --> 00:06:33,100
You know, I'm in the hands
of skilled professionals.
158
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:34,300
It's not like the old days,
159
00:06:34,300 --> 00:06:36,700
is it, you know, where
they give you a shot of whiskey,
160
00:06:36,700 --> 00:06:39,200
lick the scalpel and they
go a-carving, huh?
161
00:06:39,300 --> 00:06:40,600
You know, the same is true
in my profession.
162
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,900
Time was when a person's
behavior deviated in any way
163
00:06:43,000 --> 00:06:44,800
from what society
considered normal,
164
00:06:44,800 --> 00:06:46,600
the town barber
would take a rusty drill,
165
00:06:46,600 --> 00:06:49,800
bore a hole in your head,
and let the evil spirits out.
166
00:06:49,800 --> 00:06:52,600
Well, it's a good thing we
didn't live back then, huh?
167
00:06:52,600 --> 00:06:54,600
Yeah, you'd be looking
pretty much like a whiffle ball
168
00:06:54,600 --> 00:06:56,100
by now, wouldn't ya?
169
00:07:02,400 --> 00:07:03,000
I don't believe you guys.
170
00:07:03,100 --> 00:07:04,100
That's it.
I'm leaving.
171
00:07:04,100 --> 00:07:05,400
Come on.
Fine! Fine!
172
00:07:05,400 --> 00:07:07,100
Who needs your kind
around here anyway?
173
00:07:07,100 --> 00:07:09,000
Gentlemen!
174
00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:11,500
Now I think that this bar
is big enough for people
175
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:15,700
who like The Addams Family
and The Munsters.
176
00:07:17,500 --> 00:07:20,300
Okay, all right, fine.
177
00:07:20,300 --> 00:07:23,400
I'll take back what
I said about Cousin It.
178
00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:25,800
That's okay, it was in
the heat of the moment.
179
00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:26,800
All right.
180
00:07:26,900 --> 00:07:28,700
Hey, hey, hey,
here's that article
181
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:30,300
they interviewed
Rebecca for.
182
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:31,200
Look at that.
183
00:07:31,300 --> 00:07:32,200
Oh, hey, how's
her picture?
184
00:07:32,300 --> 00:07:33,500
There isn't
one.
185
00:07:33,500 --> 00:07:36,100
Oh, God, it was so crummy
they didn't even print it.
186
00:07:36,100 --> 00:07:37,200
Oh, wait a minute.
187
00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:38,600
there it is, right
there on the back.
188
00:07:38,600 --> 00:07:39,800
How is it?
189
00:07:39,800 --> 00:07:42,300
ALL:
Eww!
190
00:07:42,300 --> 00:07:44,000
Is it that bad?
191
00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:47,000
No, Norm got cheese whiz
all over the paper.
192
00:07:48,500 --> 00:07:50,100
Actually,
the picture's not bad.
193
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:51,100
Not bad?
194
00:07:51,100 --> 00:07:52,100
It's great.
195
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:55,200
Let me see that.
196
00:07:55,300 --> 00:07:56,300
This is a decent
picture of me.
197
00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:57,300
Look at that!
198
00:07:57,300 --> 00:08:00,000
I'm gorgeous and sexy.
199
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:02,200
And dead as a doornail.
200
00:08:02,300 --> 00:08:03,800
What?
201
00:08:03,800 --> 00:08:05,000
You're in the obituaries.
202
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:06,400
Oh, God!
203
00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:11,100
No, don't feel bad, it says
you died in bed.
204
00:08:13,600 --> 00:08:16,500
I didn't know you helped
build the Panama Canal.
205
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:19,400
Woody, that is someone
else's obituary.
206
00:08:19,500 --> 00:08:21,100
I am not dead.
207
00:08:21,200 --> 00:08:23,500
I am a living,
breathing human being.
208
00:08:23,500 --> 00:08:24,500
I know that.
209
00:08:24,500 --> 00:08:27,700
So where'd they put
all the dirt, anyway?
210
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:32,300
Excuse me, can I get
someone to sign for these?
211
00:08:32,400 --> 00:08:34,300
Yo, right over here.
212
00:08:36,100 --> 00:08:37,700
Let me see these.
213
00:08:37,700 --> 00:08:39,800
Oh, they're from
corporate headquarters.
214
00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:41,500
Did we do well last month?
215
00:08:41,600 --> 00:08:44,300
"Dear friends at Cheers,
we mourn the loss
216
00:08:44,300 --> 00:08:46,700
"of Rebecca Howe.
217
00:08:46,700 --> 00:08:50,300
At last her pain is over."
218
00:08:50,300 --> 00:08:53,400
I'm going to call them up,
straighten this out
219
00:08:53,400 --> 00:08:55,600
before they start making
funeral arrangements.
220
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:58,900
If I were you,
I'd have a closed casket.
221
00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:02,600
Yeah, well, why Grandpa Munster
never won an Emmy,
222
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,200
I'll never know.
223
00:09:04,300 --> 00:09:06,800
Come on, maybe it's because
he stole his whole character
224
00:09:06,800 --> 00:09:08,100
from Uncle Fester.
225
00:09:08,100 --> 00:09:10,800
Oh, Lord, is this
still going on?!
226
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,400
This has got to be one of
the stupidest arguments
227
00:09:13,500 --> 00:09:15,900
I've ever heard
since I started
coming to this bar.
228
00:09:15,900 --> 00:09:17,100
Hey, we resent that.
229
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:19,600
Yeah, why wasn't
it the stupidest?
230
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:22,900
Well, frankly, it lacks
meaningless statistics
231
00:09:23,000 --> 00:09:25,600
and inane historical trivia.
232
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:28,900
Say, where is Cliff anyway?
233
00:09:29,000 --> 00:09:31,000
Yeah, is he still
in the hospital?
234
00:09:31,100 --> 00:09:32,900
Uh, I don't know,
how's he doing?
235
00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,800
I thought you were
going to go see him.
236
00:09:34,800 --> 00:09:37,900
Well, I tried, I mean, I got
as far as the hospital lobby,
237
00:09:38,000 --> 00:09:40,400
but you know, the smell of
alcohol makes me really queasy.
238
00:09:43,900 --> 00:09:46,200
Well, I, you know, I was gonna
go see him, but I got to wait
239
00:09:46,200 --> 00:09:47,600
until I have a night off here.
240
00:09:47,600 --> 00:09:49,600
Woody? How about you?
241
00:09:49,600 --> 00:09:55,400
Oh, that's what this string
on my finger is for.
242
00:09:55,500 --> 00:09:57,400
What the heck is this one for?
243
00:10:00,200 --> 00:10:03,500
Surely somebody gave him a call
244
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:06,200
or sent flowers, a card?
245
00:10:06,200 --> 00:10:07,700
Carla?
246
00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:09,300
Yeah, right.
247
00:10:09,300 --> 00:10:11,600
( muttering excuses )
248
00:10:11,600 --> 00:10:13,400
Look, this is terrible!
249
00:10:13,400 --> 00:10:14,400
Don't you realize
250
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,500
that since Cliff's
mother moved to Florida,
251
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:17,900
we are his sole support group?
252
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,100
This desertion
in his hour of crisis
253
00:10:20,100 --> 00:10:22,800
could cause him deep
emotional scars.
254
00:10:22,900 --> 00:10:24,400
So why didn't
you go see him?
255
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:28,800
Well, what,
I don't have a life?
256
00:10:28,800 --> 00:10:30,100
I think we ought to go
down there right now
257
00:10:30,100 --> 00:10:31,600
and tell Mr. Clavin
how we feel about him.
258
00:10:32,900 --> 00:10:34,500
Don't you think that
would be a little cruel?
259
00:10:34,500 --> 00:10:37,600
I mean, the guy
just had an operation.
260
00:10:39,700 --> 00:10:41,300
Actually, visiting
hours are over.
261
00:10:41,300 --> 00:10:43,400
We're going to have
to wait until tomorrow.
Yeah.
262
00:10:43,500 --> 00:10:44,100
Hey, wait a minute.
263
00:10:44,100 --> 00:10:46,200
Cliff's at New England
Presbyterian.
264
00:10:46,300 --> 00:10:47,900
That's on my rounds--
I have to go by there tonight.
265
00:10:47,900 --> 00:10:48,900
I can get in to see him.
266
00:10:48,900 --> 00:10:50,800
Well, great, why don't
you go buy a card
267
00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:52,200
and date it yesterday,
268
00:10:52,200 --> 00:10:53,800
sign all our
names to it, okay?
269
00:10:53,800 --> 00:10:55,200
Slam dunk.
270
00:10:55,300 --> 00:10:57,100
Is that going to be enough?
271
00:10:57,100 --> 00:10:59,000
Come on, it's just
an appendectomy.
272
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:00,700
They're taking out
a useless organ.
273
00:11:00,700 --> 00:11:02,400
He's chock-full of those.
274
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:12,900
Ah, excuse me,
I'm Dr. Crane.
275
00:11:13,000 --> 00:11:15,300
Uh, where is Mr. Clavin?
276
00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:16,800
He was just discharged.
277
00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:19,100
Oh, great, just my luck.
278
00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:21,500
I'm the one who gets to run all
over town to find a stupid card
279
00:11:21,500 --> 00:11:23,700
for the idiot, Clavin,
and he isn't even here.
280
00:11:27,700 --> 00:11:30,800
Just a token of
how much we care.
281
00:11:39,600 --> 00:11:41,200
Don't you want
to read the card?
282
00:11:41,300 --> 00:11:43,000
I, uh, just
forgot my jacket.
283
00:11:43,100 --> 00:11:45,100
Well, you're going to hear it
anyway, Cliff.
284
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:47,900
"Glad you're feeling better.
285
00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,600
"So sorry you were ill.
286
00:11:49,600 --> 00:11:52,800
"If you thought things
were bad before,
287
00:11:52,800 --> 00:11:54,900
wait till you get the bill."
288
00:11:56,300 --> 00:11:59,000
Oh, that zesty greeting card
humor, huh?
289
00:11:59,000 --> 00:12:00,200
( chuckling )
290
00:12:00,300 --> 00:12:02,700
Well, gee, Cliff,
I was just trying to help.
291
00:12:02,700 --> 00:12:06,300
You want to help?
292
00:12:06,300 --> 00:12:08,300
Well, uh, maybe you
can help with this.
293
00:12:08,300 --> 00:12:09,800
I, uh,
294
00:12:09,900 --> 00:12:12,400
I been doing some
soul searching here.
295
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:16,100
A man gets a lot of
time to think with a
tube up his nose, and...
296
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:20,500
What I... what I
realized is that, uh...
297
00:12:20,500 --> 00:12:22,400
I'm alone in this world.
298
00:12:22,400 --> 00:12:25,100
I mean, uh, nobody
came to visit me.
299
00:12:25,100 --> 00:12:27,000
Not one of my so-called
friends out there
300
00:12:27,000 --> 00:12:29,400
even bothered to
walk through that door.
301
00:12:29,500 --> 00:12:31,600
Look, and they all feel terrible
about it, Cliff.
302
00:12:31,700 --> 00:12:32,700
They lead busy lives.
303
00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:33,800
They just couldn't find
the time.
304
00:12:33,900 --> 00:12:36,000
Come on, Doc, cut the
malarkey, will you?
305
00:12:36,000 --> 00:12:37,400
They found the time
to visit Sammy
306
00:12:37,500 --> 00:12:38,500
when he was
in the hospital.
307
00:12:38,600 --> 00:12:40,000
And Carla when she
had the twin.
308
00:12:40,100 --> 00:12:42,200
Normie, when he went in
for the butt tuck...
309
00:12:44,000 --> 00:12:46,100
I know why they
didn't visit.
310
00:12:46,200 --> 00:12:48,100
It's because it was me.
311
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:49,000
No, Cliff.
312
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,500
Oh, yeah, come on, Doc.
313
00:12:50,600 --> 00:12:52,400
They don't like me,
they don't really care.
314
00:12:52,500 --> 00:12:54,500
Come on, you can
tell me the truth.
315
00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:56,700
Go ahead, right between
the eyes, give it to me.
316
00:12:58,600 --> 00:12:59,600
Well, I suppose you're not
317
00:12:59,600 --> 00:13:01,400
the most popular person
in the bar.
318
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:02,800
Oh, and you are, huh?
319
00:13:05,500 --> 00:13:08,800
Doc, you suppose
comments like that
320
00:13:08,800 --> 00:13:09,800
are part of the problem?
321
00:13:09,800 --> 00:13:10,900
Could be.
322
00:13:10,900 --> 00:13:13,000
God, I don't believe it.
323
00:13:13,100 --> 00:13:17,300
I mean, all these years,
and I never realized it.
324
00:13:17,300 --> 00:13:19,000
( chuckling softly )
325
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:21,100
Could I really be
that insensitive?
326
00:13:21,200 --> 00:13:23,800
( man groaning )
327
00:13:23,900 --> 00:13:25,900
Cliff.
328
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:29,900
Oh, God, I am insensitive.
329
00:13:29,900 --> 00:13:31,700
Hey, sorry there, old timer.
330
00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:34,700
What can I do about it?
331
00:13:34,700 --> 00:13:36,800
A little therapy
might not be amiss.
332
00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:39,200
Oh, no, Doc, isn't there
something better than therapy?
333
00:13:39,300 --> 00:13:40,600
I mean, you know,
something
334
00:13:40,700 --> 00:13:42,300
a little quicker;
you know, a little easier.
335
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:44,700
We're talking about a major
personality change, Cliff.
336
00:13:44,700 --> 00:13:46,200
It's not like you're
trying to quit smoking.
337
00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,600
We can't give you
an electric shock
338
00:13:47,600 --> 00:13:48,900
every time
you reach for a cigarette.
339
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:51,400
Hey, hey, hey, yeah,
that's not a bad idea.
340
00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,300
Now, now, now,
just calm down.
341
00:13:53,400 --> 00:13:55,600
Look, maybe
I'm overstating the problem.
342
00:13:55,600 --> 00:13:58,500
Maybe all you need to get people
to like you a little better
343
00:13:58,500 --> 00:14:00,600
is just some good,
old-fashioned politeness.
344
00:14:00,600 --> 00:14:02,600
Maybe you don't need to take
any desperate measures.
345
00:14:02,700 --> 00:14:05,100
Oh, yes, he does.
346
00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:17,000
So, you get ahold of him?
347
00:14:17,100 --> 00:14:18,100
No, no, no, just get
348
00:14:18,200 --> 00:14:20,800
the darned answering machine
all the time.
349
00:14:20,800 --> 00:14:22,100
I hate that message.
350
00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:25,000
It's not so much
the content of the message
351
00:14:25,100 --> 00:14:29,000
as the fact that Cliff sings it
to the tune of "Volare."
352
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:30,900
Well, he's got to come back
sooner or later.
353
00:14:30,900 --> 00:14:32,400
Look, I suggest
that when he does,
354
00:14:32,400 --> 00:14:34,700
we all give him
a very warm welcome.
355
00:14:34,700 --> 00:14:38,300
Well, all I'm promising
is not to treat him like a bug.
356
00:14:38,400 --> 00:14:42,500
Well, you see, Carla's willing
to go that extra mile.
357
00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:43,800
Hello, Frasier.
358
00:14:43,900 --> 00:14:46,100
Ah.
359
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:48,300
Hello, blossom bottom,
how was your lesson?
360
00:14:48,300 --> 00:14:50,300
I like driving.
361
00:14:50,300 --> 00:14:52,000
It's a wonderful feeling.
362
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:54,100
Total control of
woman over machine.
363
00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:59,400
The speed, the power, the
ecstasy-- I was jazzed.
364
00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,700
You know,
365
00:15:02,800 --> 00:15:04,500
you're insane.
366
00:15:04,500 --> 00:15:05,800
You're a maniac.
367
00:15:05,800 --> 00:15:07,600
You're certifiable.
368
00:15:07,600 --> 00:15:09,900
I'm glad to see you're
talking to me again.
369
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:11,100
Has your nose
stopped bleeding?
370
00:15:11,200 --> 00:15:13,500
Geez, Sam,
are you all right?
371
00:15:13,600 --> 00:15:14,800
No thanks to your wife.
372
00:15:14,800 --> 00:15:17,600
I cannot believe you made
that gesture to that guy.
373
00:15:19,300 --> 00:15:24,400
I see people make
that gesture to
Frasier all the time.
374
00:15:24,400 --> 00:15:27,000
Yeah, but Frasier's not driving
an 18-wheeler
375
00:15:27,100 --> 00:15:28,200
with a little bumper sticker
376
00:15:28,300 --> 00:15:30,200
that says
"Insured by Smith & Wesson."
377
00:15:30,200 --> 00:15:33,700
Well, he cut me off.
378
00:15:33,700 --> 00:15:35,000
That happens all the time.
379
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:37,500
It doesn't mean
that you gun it up to 80
380
00:15:37,500 --> 00:15:38,900
and run the guy off the road.
381
00:15:40,400 --> 00:15:43,700
I blew his doors
off, didn't I?
382
00:15:43,800 --> 00:15:47,400
The last thing you want to do
is stop the car, get out,
383
00:15:47,400 --> 00:15:50,400
and start poking your finger
in the folds of his neck.
384
00:15:50,400 --> 00:15:53,100
I wasn't afraid; I thought
you could handle him.
385
00:15:53,100 --> 00:15:54,600
Yeah, well, I tried, didn't I?
386
00:15:54,700 --> 00:15:58,700
Oh, yes, that vicious
head butt to his fist
sent him reeling.
387
00:15:58,800 --> 00:15:59,800
Hey, come on.
388
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:02,200
Come on, honey,
let's hurry
and have lunch.
389
00:16:02,200 --> 00:16:05,300
I'm anxious to
take you for a spin.
390
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:06,500
Certainly, my dear.
391
00:16:06,500 --> 00:16:08,000
Yeah, lots
of luck, Doc.
392
00:16:08,000 --> 00:16:09,200
You know,
she's a menace.
393
00:16:09,200 --> 00:16:10,400
You know, you are a hazard
394
00:16:10,400 --> 00:16:12,500
to every driver and pedestrian
on the road.
395
00:16:12,500 --> 00:16:13,800
I'll tell you
something else.
396
00:16:13,800 --> 00:16:15,400
You know,
you shouldn't be allowed
397
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:16,900
to get anywhere near
anything with wheels,
398
00:16:16,900 --> 00:16:19,800
because you are, by far,
the worst, the most dangerous,
399
00:16:19,800 --> 00:16:22,800
the most maniacal driver
I've ever seen.
400
00:16:22,800 --> 00:16:25,300
I was fine.
401
00:16:30,100 --> 00:16:33,900
Now, Cliff,
let me remind you again,
402
00:16:33,900 --> 00:16:35,200
that it's
extremely unorthodox
403
00:16:35,300 --> 00:16:37,400
to use shock aversion treatment
outside the clinic.
404
00:16:37,500 --> 00:16:38,700
I make no guarantees.
405
00:16:38,800 --> 00:16:40,000
Hey, look, we
covered all that.
406
00:16:40,000 --> 00:16:41,700
It's time to go for
broke, all right?
407
00:16:41,800 --> 00:16:43,400
Whatever you say;
are your contacts in place?
408
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:45,400
Yeah, here, better test
it just to make sure.
409
00:16:45,400 --> 00:16:46,400
Good idea.
410
00:16:46,400 --> 00:16:47,700
Say something obnoxious.
411
00:16:47,800 --> 00:16:49,000
What do you
mean, obnoxious?
412
00:16:49,100 --> 00:16:50,000
I don't know
what's obnoxious.
413
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:51,200
You're the
so-called expert.
414
00:16:51,200 --> 00:16:52,300
( grunting )
415
00:16:52,300 --> 00:16:53,800
Perfect.
416
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:58,200
Guys, look, it's Cliff;
he's back.
417
00:16:58,200 --> 00:16:59,800
Okay, remember, this is
his first time back
418
00:16:59,800 --> 00:17:02,100
since the operation, so just
make a big welcome for him
419
00:17:02,100 --> 00:17:04,400
and act like you're interested
in everything he has to say.
420
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:05,100
CLIFF:
Hey, guys.
421
00:17:05,200 --> 00:17:06,900
Hey, Cliffie!
Hey!
422
00:17:06,900 --> 00:17:08,200
( all shout greetings )
423
00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:09,500
All right!
424
00:17:09,500 --> 00:17:11,700
Hey, I hardly recognize you
out of uniform, big guy.
425
00:17:11,700 --> 00:17:13,000
SAM:
Yeah, listen,
we're so sorry
426
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,700
we didn't come down
to the hospital.
427
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,000
Oh, no problem.
428
00:17:16,100 --> 00:17:17,600
Yeah, so how was the operation?
429
00:17:17,600 --> 00:17:19,800
Yeah, yeah, how much
did they shave?
430
00:17:19,800 --> 00:17:22,700
Ah, I don't want to bore you
with stories about me.
431
00:17:22,700 --> 00:17:25,400
I'm more interested in, uh,
what you guys have been up to.
432
00:17:28,900 --> 00:17:30,400
I don't
know, uh...
433
00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:31,700
usual stuff, I guess.
434
00:17:31,800 --> 00:17:35,800
No, no, don't be shy;
come on, share with me.
435
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:39,000
Sam's giving Dr. Sternin
driving lessons.
436
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:40,000
( snide chuckling )
437
00:17:40,100 --> 00:17:42,000
Should be giving her
personality lessons.
438
00:17:42,000 --> 00:17:44,200
( chuckles, yelps )
439
00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:49,100
But, uh, who among
us is perfect?
440
00:17:50,700 --> 00:17:52,200
SAM:
So, uh...
441
00:17:53,500 --> 00:17:55,200
when are you getting back
to the route?
442
00:17:55,300 --> 00:17:58,100
Well, the doc said
an ordinary guy
443
00:17:58,100 --> 00:17:59,400
would be out
for three weeks,
444
00:17:59,500 --> 00:18:01,500
but with my incredible
physical stamina...
445
00:18:01,500 --> 00:18:04,500
( yelps softly ):
Three weeks.
446
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,200
NORM:
Cliffie, uh...
447
00:18:06,200 --> 00:18:07,800
are you okay?
448
00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:08,900
You know, the...
449
00:18:08,900 --> 00:18:11,000
Oh, yeah, uh, it's a little
pain from the stitches.
450
00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,700
SAM:
Oh, wow, man.
451
00:18:12,700 --> 00:18:14,000
You know, it's lucky
you dropped by.
452
00:18:14,100 --> 00:18:15,200
We were having
this argument.
453
00:18:15,200 --> 00:18:16,400
Maybe you can settle it
for us.
454
00:18:16,500 --> 00:18:17,700
We were wondering
who came up
455
00:18:17,700 --> 00:18:20,900
with that great post office
phrase, you know,
456
00:18:20,900 --> 00:18:23,100
rain, sleet, dark of night--
that kind of thing.
457
00:18:23,100 --> 00:18:24,700
( everybody agreeing )
458
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:30,700
Excuse me.
459
00:18:32,600 --> 00:18:33,800
( clearing throat )
460
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:34,900
He did ask.
461
00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:37,000
Okay, but
keep it short.
462
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,700
Well, uh, you know,
interestingly enough, uh...
463
00:18:41,800 --> 00:18:46,900
it harks back to, uh, the early
Persian empire, about 500 B.C.
464
00:18:47,000 --> 00:18:48,700
Oh, is that right?
Great.
465
00:18:48,700 --> 00:18:50,000
Really?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
466
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:51,300
As a matter of fact,
467
00:18:51,300 --> 00:18:53,500
a lot of our ancient
wonders are postal related.
468
00:18:53,500 --> 00:18:55,400
Get out.
Oh, yeah; no, really.
469
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:58,000
The pyramids for example--
they were post offices.
470
00:18:59,300 --> 00:19:01,200
And the Sphinx, that was
a late-night drop off.
471
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:02,700
( groaning )
472
00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:07,100
But, uh, I digress.
473
00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:09,200
Cliff?
CLIFF:
Eh?
474
00:19:09,300 --> 00:19:10,500
When you were
in the hospital,
475
00:19:10,500 --> 00:19:12,200
did they give
you a lobotomy?
476
00:19:12,200 --> 00:19:14,000
I mean, it suits you.
477
00:19:14,100 --> 00:19:15,100
( chuckling ):
Boy, did I miss
478
00:19:15,100 --> 00:19:17,300
this good-natured ribbing.
479
00:19:17,300 --> 00:19:18,700
( groaning )
480
00:19:20,000 --> 00:19:21,500
Ah, excuse me.
481
00:19:26,200 --> 00:19:28,800
Getting a little trigger happy
with that thing, aren't you?
482
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:31,300
Well, you sounded
a little sarcastic.
483
00:19:31,400 --> 00:19:32,700
I wasn't being
sarcastic.
484
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,300
Judgment call.
485
00:19:35,300 --> 00:19:36,600
Fair enough.
486
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,900
Welcome back, Cliff.
487
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:40,600
( groaning )
488
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:42,200
What the hell
was that for?
489
00:19:42,200 --> 00:19:44,100
Oh, sorry, thumb spasm.
490
00:19:47,400 --> 00:19:49,400
Well, it's good to be back.
491
00:19:49,400 --> 00:19:50,900
So who's gonna buy me a beer?
492
00:19:50,900 --> 00:19:52,700
( groaning )
493
00:19:52,700 --> 00:19:55,000
Come on,
it was a joke, you bozo!
494
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:56,000
( groaning )
495
00:19:56,000 --> 00:19:56,700
Stop that!
496
00:19:56,800 --> 00:19:58,900
( groaning ):
I said stop that!
497
00:19:58,900 --> 00:20:00,600
All right,
the experiment's off!
498
00:20:00,600 --> 00:20:02,600
( groans three times )
499
00:20:02,600 --> 00:20:04,400
You're a quack!
500
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,100
( rapid series of groans )
501
00:20:07,100 --> 00:20:09,800
( groaning continues )
502
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:18,500
Okay!
503
00:20:19,800 --> 00:20:21,800
Let's see how
you like it, pal.
504
00:20:21,900 --> 00:20:22,700
( rapid series of groans )
505
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,300
( groaning continues )
506
00:20:28,300 --> 00:20:30,800
Remember, we still have
your deposit on that unit!
507
00:20:40,700 --> 00:20:42,800
So, uh, what were
we talking about?
508
00:20:47,600 --> 00:20:49,300
Cliff...
509
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,900
what's going on here?
510
00:20:50,900 --> 00:20:54,100
Where?
511
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,500
Come on, Cliff.
512
00:20:59,000 --> 00:21:03,200
Well, it's some harebrained
scheme I came up with. I...
513
00:21:03,300 --> 00:21:04,700
When you guys didn't
visit me in the hospital,
514
00:21:04,800 --> 00:21:08,000
I... knew it was
because I wasn't popular,
515
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,300
so I, uh, went down to
this aversion therapy place
516
00:21:11,400 --> 00:21:14,000
and bribed the guy
to give me a shock
517
00:21:14,100 --> 00:21:15,500
every time I acted
like a jerk.
518
00:21:15,600 --> 00:21:18,000
I thought it would make
me a different person.
519
00:21:19,600 --> 00:21:22,400
I guess
it didn't work, huh?
520
00:21:22,400 --> 00:21:23,800
I better be going.
521
00:21:23,800 --> 00:21:26,800
Uh... I'll see
you guys later.
522
00:21:26,900 --> 00:21:28,800
You know, as a matter of fact,
I, uh...
523
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:30,800
guess I won't, huh?
524
00:21:41,700 --> 00:21:43,200
He'll be back.
525
00:21:43,300 --> 00:21:45,600
Yeah, sure he will.
526
00:21:45,700 --> 00:21:47,000
I don't know.
527
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:48,700
Yeah, kind of sounded
different this time.
528
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:50,100
Somebody ought
to go get him.
529
00:21:50,100 --> 00:21:51,200
Yeah, you're right.
530
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:52,400
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
531
00:21:52,500 --> 00:21:53,900
But who?
532
00:21:53,900 --> 00:21:55,900
I want Norm.
533
00:22:00,800 --> 00:22:02,800
Looks like you're up,
big fella.
534
00:22:02,900 --> 00:22:05,600
Yeah, I'll have to see
if I can go catch him, huh?
535
00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:10,500
Cliffie?
536
00:22:10,500 --> 00:22:15,800
Cliff, come back in
here, you big lug.
537
00:22:15,800 --> 00:22:17,300
You know we love you, huh?
538
00:22:17,300 --> 00:22:19,000
This place wouldn't be
the same without you.
539
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:20,200
Yeah, yeah, sure.
540
00:22:20,200 --> 00:22:22,800
No, no, and we owe
you a big apology
541
00:22:22,800 --> 00:22:24,700
for not going to visit
you in the hospital.
542
00:22:24,700 --> 00:22:25,900
( murmuring apologies )
543
00:22:25,900 --> 00:22:28,100
And?
544
00:22:28,100 --> 00:22:30,400
I'm sorry
we made you feel
545
00:22:30,500 --> 00:22:33,200
like you had to do all
that dumb shock therapy stuff.
546
00:22:33,200 --> 00:22:34,700
Yeah.
547
00:22:34,700 --> 00:22:35,900
Yeah.
Absolutely.
548
00:22:35,900 --> 00:22:37,500
And?
549
00:22:37,500 --> 00:22:40,800
And it wasn't
really necessary
550
00:22:40,900 --> 00:22:43,900
because we're
the jerks
and you're not.
551
00:22:43,900 --> 00:22:45,800
Yeah.
Yeah.
552
00:22:45,900 --> 00:22:48,600
And?
553
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:51,400
Don't push it, Clavin.
554
00:22:51,500 --> 00:22:54,300
Now, now, Carla,
stop your blubbering.
555
00:22:55,700 --> 00:23:00,100
Well, I guess I'm a big enough
man to accept your apologies
556
00:23:00,200 --> 00:23:03,400
and I guess there are one
or two things I could change
557
00:23:03,500 --> 00:23:07,200
about my personality, and, uh,
well, let's start with this.
558
00:23:07,300 --> 00:23:08,500
Innkeeper,
559
00:23:08,500 --> 00:23:11,300
champagne on me
for all my friends.
560
00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:13,000
All right!
What a guy!
561
00:23:13,000 --> 00:23:14,200
Uh-huh.
562
00:23:14,200 --> 00:23:15,500
Sammy?
Yeah?
563
00:23:15,500 --> 00:23:17,400
Let's make it
the cheap stuff, okay?
564
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,400
( groaning )
565
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:23,100
All right, who's got the button?
566
00:23:23,100 --> 00:23:24,500
Nobody here.
Not here.
567
00:23:24,500 --> 00:23:26,300
( groaning )
568
00:23:26,300 --> 00:23:27,600
Dance, mailman!
53365
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