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1
00:00:01,800 --> 00:00:05,000
Cheers is filmedbefore a live studio audience.
2
00:00:06,000 --> 00:00:07,300
Woods, refill, please.
3
00:00:07,300 --> 00:00:09,000
Yeah, sure.
4
00:00:09,000 --> 00:00:10,300
Whatever you want.
5
00:00:10,300 --> 00:00:12,300
Hey, hey, hey.
6
00:00:12,400 --> 00:00:14,400
Why so down
in the mouth there, bud?
7
00:00:14,500 --> 00:00:16,100
Well, I'm understudying
another play,
8
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:17,400
and I know I'm never gonna
9
00:00:17,400 --> 00:00:18,900
get to go on,
because the star
10
00:00:18,900 --> 00:00:20,400
never gets sick.
11
00:00:20,400 --> 00:00:22,700
But, darn it, the part
is perfect for me.
12
00:00:22,700 --> 00:00:24,200
Yeah?
What is that part?
13
00:00:24,200 --> 00:00:25,300
Moses.
14
00:00:26,300 --> 00:00:28,100
My theater group
15
00:00:28,100 --> 00:00:29,500
is doing an original play,
16
00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:31,300
An Evening With the Prophets.
17
00:00:31,300 --> 00:00:32,700
Mm.
18
00:00:32,800 --> 00:00:34,900
I got more lines than any
of the other Israelites.
19
00:00:35,000 --> 00:00:35,900
( chuckles )
20
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,800
But I managed to jam
them all in,
21
00:00:37,800 --> 00:00:38,700
right up here.
Mm.
22
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:41,300
Yeah, your head
looks packed, all right.
23
00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:43,600
Go on, test me.
24
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,100
Give me a cue.
All right.
25
00:00:45,200 --> 00:00:46,600
( muttering )
26
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:47,900
Well, what's the first line?
27
00:00:48,900 --> 00:00:51,300
"And I have said
I will bring you up
28
00:00:51,300 --> 00:00:52,800
"out of the affliction
of Egypt
29
00:00:52,800 --> 00:00:54,400
"under the land
of the Canaanites
30
00:00:54,500 --> 00:00:56,400
"and the Hittites,
and the Amorites
31
00:00:56,400 --> 00:01:00,300
"and the Parasites,
and the Hivites."
32
00:01:00,400 --> 00:01:01,500
Wait, wait, wa-wa-wait.
33
00:01:01,600 --> 00:01:04,400
What, uh, what happened
to the Cellulites?
34
00:01:05,400 --> 00:01:06,600
NORM:
They, uh,
35
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:09,100
settled in the land of Vera.
36
00:01:10,100 --> 00:01:11,900
( laughing ):
Did you hear what he said?
37
00:01:12,000 --> 00:01:15,500
( piano plays )
38
00:01:15,500 --> 00:01:18,000
� Making your way
in the world today �
39
00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:21,300
� Takes everything you've got
40
00:01:21,300 --> 00:01:24,200
� Taking a break
from all your worries �
41
00:01:24,300 --> 00:01:27,400
� Sure would help a lot
42
00:01:27,400 --> 00:01:32,600
� Wouldn't you like
to get away? �
43
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:35,400
� Sometimes you want to go
44
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:40,900
� Where everybody
knows your name �
45
00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:45,500
� And they're always glad
you came �
46
00:01:45,500 --> 00:01:48,100
� You want to be
where you can see �
47
00:01:48,100 --> 00:01:50,600
� Our troubles
are all the same �
48
00:01:50,700 --> 00:01:51,800
� You want to be
49
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:55,900
� Where everybody
knows your name �
50
00:01:55,900 --> 00:01:58,400
� You want to go
where people know �
51
00:01:58,400 --> 00:02:01,000
� People are all the same
52
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:02,200
� You want to go
53
00:02:02,200 --> 00:02:05,700
� Where everybody
knows your name. �
54
00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:24,700
Here we go.
55
00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:26,400
Thank you.
56
00:02:26,400 --> 00:02:28,200
Boy, what a day.
Yeah?
57
00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,300
Yeah, I can't wait
for it to end.
58
00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:32,200
All I can think about
is getting home
59
00:02:32,200 --> 00:02:33,600
and jumping into bed.
60
00:02:33,700 --> 00:02:36,000
Need anybody to
break your fall?
61
00:02:37,900 --> 00:02:39,800
Hi. Sam Malone.
62
00:02:39,800 --> 00:02:41,000
Hi. Suzanne Porter.
63
00:02:41,100 --> 00:02:42,300
How do you do?
64
00:02:42,400 --> 00:02:46,200
Sam, you done picking
up on this lady?
65
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:47,300
( clears throat )
66
00:02:47,400 --> 00:02:48,300
Not quite, Woody.
67
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,700
Well, I'm sorry to
interrupt you, but, uh,
68
00:02:50,700 --> 00:02:51,500
Denise called.
69
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:55,000
Oh, Denise.
70
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:56,400
Who's Denise?
71
00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:58,800
Um... uh,
my brother's kid.
72
00:02:58,900 --> 00:02:59,900
Uh, Denise.
73
00:03:00,000 --> 00:03:02,700
Yeah, I have to say hi
to her, and De-nephew.
74
00:03:04,100 --> 00:03:05,500
( both laughing )
75
00:03:05,600 --> 00:03:08,400
Very smooth, Sam.
76
00:03:08,400 --> 00:03:09,700
Very funny.
77
00:03:09,700 --> 00:03:11,300
Uh, so who's
this Denise?
78
00:03:11,400 --> 00:03:12,400
Aw, she was somebody...
79
00:03:12,400 --> 00:03:14,600
we had quite a thing
going there a while ago.
80
00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:17,300
And then we both realized
that sex wasn't anything
81
00:03:17,300 --> 00:03:19,100
to base a relationship on, so...
82
00:03:19,200 --> 00:03:20,700
six months later,
we broke up.
83
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:22,100
NORM:
Uh-huh.
84
00:03:22,100 --> 00:03:23,500
Yeah, she must be quite a dish
85
00:03:23,500 --> 00:03:24,900
if you're willing to pass up
86
00:03:24,900 --> 00:03:26,700
on door number
one over there.
87
00:03:26,700 --> 00:03:27,900
Well, it's kind of
like avocados.
88
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:29,500
One of them's ripe,
89
00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:31,700
and ready to be squashed
into guacamole.
90
00:03:31,700 --> 00:03:34,000
And the other one needs
to stay on the shelf
91
00:03:34,100 --> 00:03:35,800
a little while longer.
92
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:39,100
( both laughing )
WOODY:
Well, anyway,
93
00:03:39,200 --> 00:03:40,400
call her back--
she says it's urgent.
94
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:43,300
Ah, with the accent
on "urge," huh?
Hmm!
95
00:03:43,300 --> 00:03:44,900
Actually, you know,
I think, uh,
96
00:03:44,900 --> 00:03:47,500
this is a call I should
return in person.
97
00:03:47,600 --> 00:03:49,600
Aw, Sam!
Whoa, hey!
98
00:03:51,300 --> 00:03:52,400
Where are you going?
99
00:03:52,500 --> 00:03:54,200
Uh, to my niece's house.
100
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:55,500
Her grandma's sick.
101
00:03:55,600 --> 00:03:57,000
If it's your niece's grandma,
102
00:03:57,100 --> 00:03:58,800
wouldn't that be your mother?
103
00:03:58,800 --> 00:04:00,500
My mom's sick?
Oh, my God!
104
00:04:04,700 --> 00:04:07,200
Excuse me. Why don't
you stick around for
a little while?
105
00:04:07,200 --> 00:04:10,100
My mom bounces right back.
106
00:04:18,200 --> 00:04:19,700
Hey, Sam, hey, uh,
107
00:04:19,700 --> 00:04:21,800
back from the Denise
decathlon, huh?
108
00:04:21,900 --> 00:04:23,300
( Cliff chuckles )
109
00:04:23,300 --> 00:04:24,500
Got a, uh, another gold medal
110
00:04:24,600 --> 00:04:28,100
in the "broad" jump?
111
00:04:28,100 --> 00:04:31,200
You know,
you got a big mouth, Clavin.
112
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,700
Hey, he happens
to be right, you know.
113
00:04:34,700 --> 00:04:36,900
Yeah, it's a genetic quirk
in the, uh, Clavin family
114
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:38,900
that we all have
two extra teeth.
115
00:04:38,900 --> 00:04:40,200
Yeah, you see,
116
00:04:40,200 --> 00:04:41,800
that's the only way
that we can prove
117
00:04:41,800 --> 00:04:46,000
that we are the rightful heirs
to the Russian throne.
118
00:04:46,100 --> 00:04:49,800
Hello in there, Cliff.
119
00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:50,900
Tell me...
120
00:04:50,900 --> 00:04:54,400
what color is the
sky in your world?
121
00:04:56,000 --> 00:04:57,300
What's wrong?
122
00:04:57,400 --> 00:04:58,400
Carla, I just want to be left
123
00:04:58,500 --> 00:04:59,600
alone for a while, all right?
124
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,300
You got it.
Thank you.
125
00:05:01,300 --> 00:05:04,100
Hey, everybody,
Sam wants to be left alone!
126
00:05:04,100 --> 00:05:06,300
Okay, Sammy,
spill your guts.
127
00:05:06,300 --> 00:05:07,500
What's the matter?
128
00:05:07,500 --> 00:05:09,300
Carla, I just said
that I-I want...
Yeah, but
129
00:05:09,300 --> 00:05:10,700
you're gonna end up
telling me eventually,
130
00:05:10,700 --> 00:05:13,000
so you might as well
get it over with.
131
00:05:13,000 --> 00:05:15,200
Go on,
make you feel better.
132
00:05:15,300 --> 00:05:16,700
Just keep this
to yourself.
133
00:05:17,900 --> 00:05:20,100
Remember how I went
over to Denise's house?
134
00:05:20,100 --> 00:05:23,900
Well, she... she didn't invite
me over for a good time.
135
00:05:23,900 --> 00:05:25,900
She wanted to
show me something.
136
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,400
What?
137
00:05:28,500 --> 00:05:30,000
My child.
138
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:31,900
Seven pounds,
ten ounces,
139
00:05:31,900 --> 00:05:33,300
a baby boy.
140
00:05:34,100 --> 00:05:36,400
( laughs )
141
00:05:36,500 --> 00:05:40,100
( laughing continues )
142
00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:44,100
What's so funny?
( laughing continues )
143
00:05:44,200 --> 00:05:46,000
Sam Malone finally got caught
144
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,900
with his hand in the cookie jar.
145
00:05:47,900 --> 00:05:49,800
( laughs )
146
00:05:49,800 --> 00:05:50,300
Carla, come on.
147
00:05:50,400 --> 00:05:52,100
This is serious.
148
00:05:52,100 --> 00:05:54,500
Oh, of course it is, Sam.
149
00:05:56,000 --> 00:05:58,400
But I really think
you're gonna be okay, you know?
150
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,300
Yeah?
Just remember this.
151
00:06:00,300 --> 00:06:02,600
This little piggy
went to market...
152
00:06:02,600 --> 00:06:04,900
( laughing )
153
00:06:04,900 --> 00:06:06,300
Would you...?
154
00:06:06,400 --> 00:06:07,600
This is not funny.
155
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:09,100
I'm sorry.
156
00:06:09,100 --> 00:06:10,400
You sure it's yours?
157
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:13,200
No, it's between me
and another guy.
158
00:06:13,300 --> 00:06:14,500
But the kid's a real looker,
159
00:06:14,500 --> 00:06:16,700
so, you know,
you figure it out.
160
00:06:19,700 --> 00:06:21,900
So when are you
gonna find out, Dad?
161
00:06:21,900 --> 00:06:23,000
Soon.
162
00:06:23,100 --> 00:06:25,000
I mean, she dragged me down
to a lab
163
00:06:25,100 --> 00:06:27,100
to have a blood test.
164
00:06:27,100 --> 00:06:28,400
Well, what's
the big deal, you know?
165
00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,200
You can just do
what all the other jerks do.
166
00:06:30,200 --> 00:06:31,700
You pay a little money
for support,
167
00:06:31,700 --> 00:06:33,000
and you get off the hook.
168
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:34,700
No, Carla, it means a lot more
to me than that.
169
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:37,900
I'm telling you,
if this, if this kid is mine,
170
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:40,600
then... then I want
to see that he's fed,
171
00:06:40,600 --> 00:06:43,000
that he's clothed,
and that he's educated.
172
00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:44,100
You know,
I'm-I'm gonna take
173
00:06:44,100 --> 00:06:45,700
him to, to
Little League games, too.
174
00:06:45,800 --> 00:06:48,500
I'm gonna be the
best damn father
you've ever seen.
175
00:06:48,500 --> 00:06:50,000
Please don't let
him be mine!
176
00:06:50,000 --> 00:06:51,900
Oh!
177
00:06:51,900 --> 00:06:53,600
Oh!
178
00:06:53,600 --> 00:06:56,100
I tell you, if I get
out of this, I swear to God,
179
00:06:56,100 --> 00:06:57,900
I am through fooling around
forever.
180
00:06:58,000 --> 00:06:59,900
Sam, don't swear to God.
181
00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:02,000
No, I mean it, I mean it,
if I get out of this,
182
00:07:02,100 --> 00:07:03,800
I swear to God,
I'll never have sex again.
183
00:07:05,800 --> 00:07:06,900
You?
184
00:07:06,900 --> 00:07:08,400
Never?
185
00:07:08,500 --> 00:07:09,000
Yeah, not ever.
186
00:07:09,000 --> 00:07:10,800
I mean, for the rest...
187
00:07:10,800 --> 00:07:14,100
Well, three months,
three months.
188
00:07:15,100 --> 00:07:17,800
Well, I guess the amount of sex
you have in three months
189
00:07:17,900 --> 00:07:20,500
is what most people
have in a lifetime.
Huh.
190
00:07:20,500 --> 00:07:22,600
If they're attractive, I guess.
191
00:07:24,900 --> 00:07:26,400
You have a phone call
from Denise.
192
00:07:28,300 --> 00:07:30,200
( sighs )
193
00:07:30,800 --> 00:07:33,000
Oh, and Carla,
you know that, uh,
194
00:07:33,100 --> 00:07:34,900
pitcher of beer
you left on your tray?
195
00:07:34,900 --> 00:07:36,900
Some guy from table six
came and drank it.
196
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:40,200
We don't have a table six.
197
00:07:40,200 --> 00:07:43,700
I knew I should have said
table five.
198
00:07:45,600 --> 00:07:46,900
Hello.
199
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:47,900
Oh, hi, Denise.
200
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:50,400
Um, what'd the doctor say?
201
00:07:50,400 --> 00:07:52,100
Oh, thank God,
oh, thank God!
202
00:07:52,100 --> 00:07:53,800
Oh, thank God! Oh!
203
00:07:53,800 --> 00:07:55,500
Oh, I'm so happy.
204
00:07:55,500 --> 00:07:57,500
Well, I'm so happy
for the other guy.
205
00:07:57,500 --> 00:07:58,900
Yeah.
206
00:07:59,000 --> 00:08:00,300
Congratulations, huh?
207
00:08:00,400 --> 00:08:01,800
All right, we-well,
I'll call you
208
00:08:01,800 --> 00:08:03,300
some other time
then, all right?
209
00:08:03,300 --> 00:08:04,300
Bye-bye.
210
00:08:05,300 --> 00:08:06,700
Doctor, Sam?
211
00:08:06,800 --> 00:08:08,700
Uh, yeah, uh,
212
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:11,600
Denise and I and this, uh,
other guy
213
00:08:11,600 --> 00:08:13,100
share the same doctor
214
00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:14,700
and she just wanted
to let me know
215
00:08:14,700 --> 00:08:16,500
that he had gotten
some new magazines
216
00:08:16,500 --> 00:08:18,000
in the waiting room.
217
00:08:19,600 --> 00:08:21,700
You lucky dog!
218
00:08:21,700 --> 00:08:25,000
Must be the
Sports Illustrated "Swimsuit Issue."
219
00:08:28,800 --> 00:08:31,200
Say, uh... Suzanne,
uh... what do you say,
220
00:08:31,300 --> 00:08:32,700
you want
to help me celebrate here?
221
00:08:32,800 --> 00:08:34,500
I'd love to.
Great.
222
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:35,900
What are we celebrating?
223
00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,200
I have no idea,
but whatever it is
224
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:39,800
we're overdressed.
225
00:08:39,900 --> 00:08:41,100
( Carla clears throat ):
Sam?
226
00:08:41,100 --> 00:08:43,200
Yeah?
Uh, Sam, aren't you
forgetting something?
227
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:45,600
I know, I know, I'm gonna
drop by the old drug store.
228
00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:47,000
Don't worry,
I learned my lesson.
229
00:08:48,100 --> 00:08:50,400
Could you wait just...?
230
00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:51,500
What?
231
00:08:51,600 --> 00:08:53,800
Does the name "God"
ring a bell?
232
00:08:53,800 --> 00:08:55,200
Yeah?
233
00:08:55,200 --> 00:08:57,100
The guy you
made a vow to?
234
00:08:57,100 --> 00:08:58,600
Oh.
235
00:08:58,700 --> 00:09:00,400
Yeah, boy, I almost
forgot about that.
236
00:09:00,400 --> 00:09:02,700
Uh... it's no big thing.
237
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,400
"No big thing"?
238
00:09:04,500 --> 00:09:06,300
Come on, God's a sport.
239
00:09:08,300 --> 00:09:09,800
People make promises
like that all the time,
240
00:09:09,800 --> 00:09:11,800
but if God had to collect
on all of them,
241
00:09:11,900 --> 00:09:14,500
He wouldn't have any time
to create
242
00:09:14,600 --> 00:09:16,200
natural wonders like that,
for instance.
243
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:18,300
I'll see you...
Oh, boy.
244
00:09:18,300 --> 00:09:19,400
Give me a minute here.
245
00:09:19,400 --> 00:09:20,500
CARLA:
Listen, Sammy,
246
00:09:20,500 --> 00:09:22,500
I don't want to tell you
how to run your life,
247
00:09:22,500 --> 00:09:25,300
but I want to tell you this:
don't mess with God.
248
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,900
Look at all the people
in the Bible who did.
249
00:09:28,000 --> 00:09:30,700
The entire population
of Sodom and Gomorrah.
250
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:35,200
Lot's wife-- turned into
a salt lick with boobs.
251
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:39,300
Come on, what...
252
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,100
What's He gonna do--
reach down from the clouds
253
00:09:41,100 --> 00:09:42,800
and snatch me up?
254
00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,100
You know, you...
255
00:09:44,100 --> 00:09:46,600
Halt, infidel!
256
00:10:01,300 --> 00:10:03,000
Hey, sorry, Sam.
257
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:05,100
Uh, I was just at
an understudy rehearsal.
258
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:08,600
I thought you might get
a kick out of my costume.
259
00:10:08,600 --> 00:10:10,000
( panting ):
You ought to warn people
260
00:10:10,100 --> 00:10:12,600
before you go around
pretending to be God.
261
00:10:12,600 --> 00:10:14,800
You thought I was God?
262
00:10:14,800 --> 00:10:18,000
Thanks.
I was only trying to be Moses.
263
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:20,100
Hey, guys, he thought I was God!
264
00:10:21,700 --> 00:10:23,900
Sam, can we go now?
265
00:10:23,900 --> 00:10:24,800
Yeah, you bet.
266
00:10:24,900 --> 00:10:25,900
No, no, Sam!
267
00:10:25,900 --> 00:10:27,900
He has sent
His messenger.
268
00:10:27,900 --> 00:10:29,200
Me...? What messenger?
269
00:10:29,300 --> 00:10:31,100
That is just Woody.
270
00:10:31,200 --> 00:10:33,800
You think it's a coincidence
that Woody came in
271
00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,200
just at that very moment
dressed as Moses?
272
00:10:36,200 --> 00:10:38,900
I mean, of all the plays he
could have been in, Sammy.
273
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,700
He could have been
dressed as Auntie Mame.
274
00:10:40,700 --> 00:10:42,600
Would that have
scared you?
275
00:10:42,600 --> 00:10:45,300
Yeah, a little.
276
00:10:45,400 --> 00:10:48,000
Let's face it, Sam,
that was a warning,
277
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,400
and you'd better
take heed.
278
00:10:53,100 --> 00:10:55,400
Oh, come on,
what's He gonna do?
279
00:10:55,400 --> 00:10:58,300
Well, my cousin Tino...
280
00:10:58,300 --> 00:10:59,300
Yeah?
281
00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:01,000
...swore he'd
give up meat.
282
00:11:01,100 --> 00:11:03,200
That night,
he ate a burger.
283
00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:05,600
The next day,
his teeth fell out.
284
00:11:05,700 --> 00:11:07,000
Oh, come on, Carla.
285
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,300
There's no connection here.
286
00:11:08,300 --> 00:11:10,900
I swore I would
not have sex, so...
287
00:11:10,900 --> 00:11:12,900
( shudders )
288
00:11:17,200 --> 00:11:21,200
Listen, I-I-I'm not
really in the mood anymore.
289
00:11:21,200 --> 00:11:22,400
Why not?
290
00:11:23,700 --> 00:11:26,900
Carla's cousin Tino's
teeth fell out.
291
00:11:28,900 --> 00:11:30,700
Yeah, well, maybe
some other time.
292
00:11:30,700 --> 00:11:32,800
Uh...
Why don't you
give me a call?
293
00:11:32,900 --> 00:11:34,700
Yeah. I-I don't
have your number.
294
00:11:34,700 --> 00:11:36,000
Perfect.
295
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:41,700
Oh... are you satisfied,
God's Little Helper?
296
00:11:43,000 --> 00:11:44,600
Oh, listen, Sam.
297
00:11:44,600 --> 00:11:46,400
Uh, in the interest
of authenticity,
298
00:11:46,500 --> 00:11:48,300
you think there's anyway
I can sound
299
00:11:48,400 --> 00:11:50,200
less like God
and more like Moses?
300
00:11:50,200 --> 00:11:52,300
Yeah, stop going
around scaring people.
301
00:11:52,300 --> 00:11:53,800
That's good.
302
00:11:53,800 --> 00:11:55,900
That's good,
now, how 'bout the voice?
303
00:12:00,700 --> 00:12:03,300
Now sit down.
304
00:12:03,300 --> 00:12:04,800
Now...
305
00:12:04,900 --> 00:12:06,700
how can I be of help?
306
00:12:06,700 --> 00:12:09,800
Well, I would like
your advice, Father.
307
00:12:10,900 --> 00:12:13,900
Actually, it's for
a friend of mine.
308
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:15,500
He, uh...
309
00:12:15,500 --> 00:12:18,000
got himself into kind of a bind,
310
00:12:18,000 --> 00:12:23,900
and so, in desperation, promised
God he'd give up something.
311
00:12:23,900 --> 00:12:26,400
And what did he promise
to give up?
312
00:12:27,800 --> 00:12:29,400
Sweets.
313
00:12:30,400 --> 00:12:31,700
Oh.
314
00:12:31,700 --> 00:12:33,600
I see.
( chuckles )
315
00:12:33,600 --> 00:12:35,700
Yeah...
316
00:12:35,700 --> 00:12:38,100
but my friend
really likes sweets a lot.
317
00:12:39,800 --> 00:12:42,500
You know, and sweets
like him a lot.
318
00:12:42,500 --> 00:12:45,600
And he hasn't had sweets now
for about two weeks,
319
00:12:45,600 --> 00:12:48,800
and if he doesn't have sweets
soon, he's gonna explode.
320
00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:53,600
I see, and God's
contractual obligation
321
00:12:53,700 --> 00:12:56,500
was to get your friend
out of this bind you spoke of.
322
00:12:56,500 --> 00:12:58,500
Yes, sir. Which He did.
323
00:12:58,600 --> 00:13:01,000
Well, then, what is the problem?
324
00:13:01,100 --> 00:13:05,100
Well, m-my friend was wondering
what the penalty would be
325
00:13:05,200 --> 00:13:08,500
if he, say... you know, had a...
326
00:13:08,500 --> 00:13:11,500
huge box of chocolates.
327
00:13:11,500 --> 00:13:15,500
Sam, I think this is between you
and your God.
328
00:13:17,000 --> 00:13:18,700
Yeah, right.
329
00:13:18,800 --> 00:13:20,700
Oh, how did...
330
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:22,900
How'd you know it was me?
331
00:13:23,000 --> 00:13:24,900
In all the years people
have been coming here
332
00:13:25,000 --> 00:13:29,700
for their friends, I have never
met one of their friends.
333
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,400
Oh, well, yeah,
as long as I'm busted,
334
00:13:32,400 --> 00:13:34,500
I guess I might as well tell you
335
00:13:34,500 --> 00:13:35,300
the truth here.
336
00:13:35,400 --> 00:13:37,500
I-I didn't promise
to give up sweets.
337
00:13:37,500 --> 00:13:40,100
I promised to give up sex.
338
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:41,800
Ah...
339
00:13:41,800 --> 00:13:45,400
that is a tough one.
340
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,900
You know, Sam, the Church
341
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:52,600
does recommend chastity
to unmarried people.
342
00:13:52,600 --> 00:13:53,800
( chuckles )
343
00:13:55,900 --> 00:13:58,300
Oh, I'm sorry.
You were serious. Uh...
344
00:13:59,900 --> 00:14:01,700
How do you do that?
345
00:14:01,700 --> 00:14:03,200
I mean, what do you do?
346
00:14:03,200 --> 00:14:04,800
How do you not?
347
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:07,300
I mean, a-are there
special tricks, or a
348
00:14:07,300 --> 00:14:10,900
certain way
of sitting, maybe?
349
00:14:12,200 --> 00:14:16,600
Well, yes, but we are strictly
forbidden to reveal it.
350
00:14:16,700 --> 00:14:18,000
You're kidding.
351
00:14:18,000 --> 00:14:19,500
Yes.
352
00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:21,200
Oh.
353
00:14:24,500 --> 00:14:27,500
You know, Sam, I think
you're looking for someone
354
00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,200
to tell you it's all right
to break your vow,
355
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,400
but I can't
do that.
356
00:14:33,400 --> 00:14:36,400
You know, I've found that people
who come here
357
00:14:36,400 --> 00:14:40,400
looking for answers usually
know what the answer is,
358
00:14:40,500 --> 00:14:42,500
and I think you do, too.
359
00:14:42,500 --> 00:14:45,800
Yeah, maybe.
360
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:47,100
Well, thank you.
361
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:48,100
Oh...
362
00:14:48,100 --> 00:14:49,800
Oh, no, no, no.
363
00:14:55,700 --> 00:14:56,700
SAM:
Carla, Carla?
364
00:14:56,700 --> 00:14:58,300
Oh, great.
Look. I think I got it.
365
00:14:58,300 --> 00:15:00,000
God's gonna have
to accept this one.
366
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:03,100
"With the Lord, one day
is as a thousand years,
367
00:15:03,100 --> 00:15:06,300
and a thousand years
is as one day."
368
00:15:07,900 --> 00:15:08,600
So?
369
00:15:08,600 --> 00:15:09,600
So that means
370
00:15:09,600 --> 00:15:12,500
I've been out of action
for 21,000 years.
371
00:15:12,500 --> 00:15:14,500
Come on, that's got to
be good enough for Him.
372
00:15:14,500 --> 00:15:16,600
You know, Sam, I-I'd
like to agree with you--
373
00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:18,900
( sighs )
since you're so
pathetic it's annoying--
374
00:15:19,000 --> 00:15:20,200
but no sale.
375
00:15:20,200 --> 00:15:22,600
All right, all right,
I still got Deuteronomy here.
376
00:15:23,900 --> 00:15:25,000
Don't look, Sammy.
377
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,900
Temptation at 12:00.
378
00:15:28,100 --> 00:15:29,900
Oh...
379
00:15:31,900 --> 00:15:33,200
Oh... Oh, God.
380
00:15:33,200 --> 00:15:36,000
Man, they're coming in waves.
381
00:15:36,000 --> 00:15:39,400
( phone ringing )
382
00:15:39,400 --> 00:15:41,400
Cheers.
383
00:15:41,500 --> 00:15:43,100
Yeah, this is him.
384
00:15:44,900 --> 00:15:46,200
You're kidding.
385
00:15:46,300 --> 00:15:48,400
Moses has an ear infection.
386
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,500
Yeah, all right. Yeah.
387
00:15:51,500 --> 00:15:53,300
I'll be right there.
388
00:15:53,300 --> 00:15:55,100
So, Woody, they gonna
let you go on?
389
00:15:55,100 --> 00:15:56,900
Uh, no, I got to stop
by the drugstore
390
00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:58,900
and pick up some antibiotics.
391
00:16:00,300 --> 00:16:03,200
So, believe it or not,
I've given up sex entirely.
392
00:16:03,200 --> 00:16:05,500
But you got to promise
not to tell anybody.
393
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,400
Well, Sam,
confidentiality
394
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,100
is the bedrock
of my profession.
395
00:16:09,100 --> 00:16:10,800
Besides, who'd
believe me?
396
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:12,900
You were saying?
397
00:16:13,000 --> 00:16:16,100
Well, I was just wondering
what you think I ought to do.
398
00:16:16,100 --> 00:16:17,500
Well, you need to find
399
00:16:17,500 --> 00:16:19,500
another outlet for
your sexual energies.
400
00:16:19,600 --> 00:16:21,500
Mm-hmm.
For example,
401
00:16:21,500 --> 00:16:25,000
during six painfully frustrating
months of my adolescence,
402
00:16:25,000 --> 00:16:28,500
I built a submarine
in our basement.
403
00:16:28,500 --> 00:16:30,700
One of those
little plastic models?
404
00:16:30,700 --> 00:16:32,500
No, life-size. Slept six.
405
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,700
The happiest hours
of my youth were spent
406
00:16:35,700 --> 00:16:39,000
down there in the dark
shouting, "Fire one.
407
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:41,500
Fire two."
408
00:16:42,800 --> 00:16:44,400
Well, enough about me.
409
00:16:44,400 --> 00:16:46,700
Let's address
this problem, Sam.
410
00:16:46,700 --> 00:16:49,300
Well, I don't know
anything about submarines.
411
00:16:49,300 --> 00:16:51,200
Well, surely you
have other interests.
412
00:16:51,300 --> 00:16:53,400
Sports, sailing, music?
413
00:16:53,500 --> 00:16:55,900
Well, yeah, I had a
piano lesson once.
414
00:16:57,000 --> 00:16:58,400
Actually, I had
the piano teacher
415
00:16:58,400 --> 00:16:59,600
and it was twice, but...
416
00:17:01,700 --> 00:17:03,400
I liked it.
417
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:04,400
Well, I'll tell you.
418
00:17:04,400 --> 00:17:06,600
If you were to sit down
at the piano today
419
00:17:06,600 --> 00:17:08,800
and channel your energies
into it,
420
00:17:08,900 --> 00:17:10,600
you would find
all your sexual tensions
421
00:17:10,600 --> 00:17:12,200
pouring out
through your fingertips.
422
00:17:12,300 --> 00:17:13,900
Yeah, fingertips.
423
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:15,100
Yeah, right.
424
00:17:15,200 --> 00:17:16,300
And best of all, Sam,
425
00:17:16,300 --> 00:17:19,900
no matter how badly you perform,
a piano never laughs.
426
00:17:20,700 --> 00:17:21,900
Never stomps out of the room
427
00:17:21,900 --> 00:17:24,100
and refuses to let you
play again for three days.
428
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:28,000
Well, I'm off to Lilith.
429
00:17:31,400 --> 00:17:33,200
( yawning ):
Sam?
430
00:17:33,200 --> 00:17:35,500
Would you please
lock up?
431
00:17:35,500 --> 00:17:37,100
Uh, yeah.
I'm going home to bed.
432
00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:40,200
Okay, good night.
433
00:17:40,200 --> 00:17:42,600
Did you hear me?
434
00:17:42,600 --> 00:17:45,000
I said I'm going
to go to bed.
435
00:17:45,000 --> 00:17:46,200
Well, I hope you, uh,
436
00:17:46,300 --> 00:17:48,300
get a good night's sleep.
437
00:17:48,400 --> 00:17:50,600
Thank you.
438
00:17:50,600 --> 00:17:53,900
Carla, I just left myself
wide open
439
00:17:54,000 --> 00:17:57,400
for one of Sam's sleazy remarks,
and nothing.
440
00:17:57,400 --> 00:18:00,200
I mean, not that I want to,
but what does it mean
441
00:18:00,200 --> 00:18:04,200
when you can't turn on the
horniest guy that ever lived?
442
00:18:04,200 --> 00:18:06,300
I am really getting old.
443
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:09,000
Oh, Rebecca, would you
stop being ridiculous?
444
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:11,800
You're still a young,
beautiful, vibrant woman
445
00:18:11,800 --> 00:18:13,400
with her whole life
ahead of her.
446
00:18:13,400 --> 00:18:15,100
Oh, you're just saying that.
447
00:18:15,100 --> 00:18:16,500
Yes, I am.
448
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,100
I was taught to humor old folks.
449
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:25,900
Carla, I ca...
450
00:18:25,900 --> 00:18:27,800
I can't take this anymore.
451
00:18:27,800 --> 00:18:29,500
I mean, I tried everything.
452
00:18:29,500 --> 00:18:31,200
I've stopped eating oysters,
453
00:18:31,300 --> 00:18:32,500
I'm taking cold showers,
454
00:18:32,500 --> 00:18:35,600
I even started stuffing ice
in my pockets.
455
00:18:35,600 --> 00:18:37,500
I tell you, I'm not going
to make it.
456
00:18:37,600 --> 00:18:39,500
Oh, Sammy, buck up.
457
00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,500
You only have
nine more weeks to go.
458
00:18:41,500 --> 00:18:43,000
I'm talking about tonight.
459
00:18:53,100 --> 00:18:54,400
Guess who?
460
00:18:54,400 --> 00:18:55,900
Uh-oh.
I'll give you a hint.
461
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:58,500
Vermont ski lodge,
a roaring fire,
462
00:18:58,500 --> 00:19:00,200
and baby oil.
463
00:19:00,200 --> 00:19:02,400
Uh... could you, uh,
464
00:19:02,400 --> 00:19:05,200
be more specific?
465
00:19:05,200 --> 00:19:06,500
Gravity boots.
466
00:19:06,600 --> 00:19:08,100
Oh, Rachel Patterson.
467
00:19:08,200 --> 00:19:09,400
( laughs )
Oh, look...
468
00:19:09,500 --> 00:19:11,300
Hi, Sam, how are you?
469
00:19:11,400 --> 00:19:12,500
Oh, boy.
470
00:19:12,500 --> 00:19:14,200
I tell you, honey,
you're the last person
471
00:19:14,200 --> 00:19:16,300
in the world I want
to see right now.
472
00:19:16,400 --> 00:19:17,600
Nice to see you, too.
473
00:19:17,700 --> 00:19:18,700
Uh...
474
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,400
Listen, I have got
an 18-hour layover,
475
00:19:20,500 --> 00:19:23,200
and I'm not
the least bit sleepy.
476
00:19:23,300 --> 00:19:25,700
How'd you like to help me
kill some time?
477
00:19:25,700 --> 00:19:27,200
Listen, what, um...
478
00:19:27,200 --> 00:19:29,900
Actually, I hear, uh,
movies are good for
that kind of thing.
479
00:19:29,900 --> 00:19:32,800
Why don't you, uh, why
don't you take in about
480
00:19:32,800 --> 00:19:35,000
two or three
right in a row, there?
481
00:19:35,100 --> 00:19:37,800
I know-- smell.
482
00:19:37,900 --> 00:19:41,300
I'm wearing that perfume
that always drove you so crazy.
483
00:19:41,300 --> 00:19:43,100
Oh, Devastation, huh?
484
00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:44,700
Uh...
485
00:19:44,700 --> 00:19:48,100
Actually, I got this, uh,
this head cold.
486
00:19:48,100 --> 00:19:50,400
Uh, I wouldn't want
you to catch it.
487
00:19:50,400 --> 00:19:52,300
Um, I'm sorry, uh...
488
00:19:52,300 --> 00:19:55,000
what do you say,
some other time, huh?
489
00:19:55,100 --> 00:19:57,900
Well, okay.
490
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:00,100
Oh, Sam?
491
00:20:00,200 --> 00:20:01,300
Yeah?
492
00:20:01,300 --> 00:20:02,700
A friend of mine
snapped this
493
00:20:02,800 --> 00:20:04,600
of me on a beach in Ipanema.
494
00:20:04,600 --> 00:20:06,300
I thought
you might like a copy.
495
00:20:06,300 --> 00:20:08,300
Oh.
496
00:20:12,900 --> 00:20:14,200
Would you excuse me
497
00:20:14,200 --> 00:20:15,700
just for a
minute here?
498
00:20:19,900 --> 00:20:22,000
Look at this!
499
00:20:24,400 --> 00:20:26,800
I mean, this is not fair.
500
00:20:26,800 --> 00:20:29,000
I mean, I'm going for it.
501
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:31,400
It's-it's not
like I'm murdering anybody.
502
00:20:31,400 --> 00:20:33,800
I-I'm just going to bring
a great deal of pleasure
503
00:20:33,900 --> 00:20:35,900
to two people.
504
00:20:37,600 --> 00:20:39,800
So, if in Your,
uh, infinite wisdom,
505
00:20:39,900 --> 00:20:42,300
You feel You have
to smite me down,
506
00:20:42,400 --> 00:20:45,400
then please
make it quick and painless.
507
00:20:47,000 --> 00:20:48,800
And if You could give me
about three hours,
508
00:20:48,900 --> 00:20:51,400
I'd appreciate it.
509
00:20:52,900 --> 00:20:54,700
Okay.
510
00:21:00,400 --> 00:21:02,700
Sam?
511
00:21:04,900 --> 00:21:07,800
( sniffing )
512
00:21:07,900 --> 00:21:10,400
Devastation.
513
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,500
The hound is loose.
514
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,200
Please, go easy on him.
515
00:21:27,700 --> 00:21:29,900
Sammy, now you've done it.
516
00:21:29,900 --> 00:21:34,200
There's nothing
in your future but
frogs and locusts.
517
00:21:34,300 --> 00:21:37,100
Why'd you have to
go and do it, Sammy?
518
00:21:37,100 --> 00:21:39,000
I didn't do it.
519
00:21:39,100 --> 00:21:40,100
What?
520
00:21:40,100 --> 00:21:41,900
I didn't do it.
521
00:21:41,900 --> 00:21:44,200
We went to the hotel,
522
00:21:44,200 --> 00:21:46,400
she got into bed,
523
00:21:46,500 --> 00:21:48,600
I got into bed with her.
524
00:21:48,700 --> 00:21:51,100
Then I was folding up my socks,
and I was...
525
00:21:51,200 --> 00:21:52,400
You fold up
your socks?
526
00:21:52,400 --> 00:21:55,000
Sure. I'm not an animal.
527
00:21:58,300 --> 00:22:01,800
Anyway, all of a sudden,
for no reason,
528
00:22:01,800 --> 00:22:03,000
I went over and I,
529
00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,400
and I opened
the nightstand drawer.
530
00:22:05,400 --> 00:22:09,100
And there it was,
staring right up at me.
531
00:22:09,100 --> 00:22:11,100
The Bible.
532
00:22:11,200 --> 00:22:14,900
Can you imagine that--
a Bible in a hotel room?
533
00:22:16,600 --> 00:22:18,400
So, we... we got out of there
real quick,
534
00:22:18,500 --> 00:22:20,900
and we got another room, and...
535
00:22:20,900 --> 00:22:22,600
there it was again.
536
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:26,300
I mean, we... we went
from hotel to hotel,
537
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,200
and it just followed us
wherever we went.
538
00:22:29,100 --> 00:22:31,100
Then it dawned on me.
539
00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:34,000
This was a bona fide miracle.
540
00:22:34,000 --> 00:22:35,200
God was speaking
541
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:38,800
to me directly
through hotel nightstands.
542
00:22:40,100 --> 00:22:42,700
He works in mysterious ways.
543
00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:45,500
Amen. Amen.
544
00:22:45,500 --> 00:22:47,900
Excuse me,
Sam, but, uh
545
00:22:47,900 --> 00:22:49,100
in all the years
you played baseball,
546
00:22:49,100 --> 00:22:50,300
traveling
throughout the country,
547
00:22:50,300 --> 00:22:52,200
all the hotel rooms
you stayed in,
548
00:22:52,200 --> 00:22:53,500
didn't you ever once notice...?
549
00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:56,100
Uh, Frasier,
Sam was just telling us
550
00:22:56,100 --> 00:22:57,400
about a miracle
551
00:22:57,400 --> 00:23:00,000
that affected him
very deeply.
552
00:23:00,000 --> 00:23:02,300
Now, what was it
that you were noticing?
553
00:23:04,200 --> 00:23:06,600
Well, th-they always put
those little strips of paper
554
00:23:06,600 --> 00:23:07,700
across the toilets.
555
00:23:08,900 --> 00:23:10,700
Just an observation.
556
00:23:12,900 --> 00:23:16,100
Sammy, I'm so proud of you.
557
00:23:16,100 --> 00:23:16,800
( chuckling ):
Yeah.
558
00:23:16,800 --> 00:23:18,300
If you could hold out
last night,
559
00:23:18,400 --> 00:23:20,000
you can make it
the whole three months.
560
00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:23,400
Sam, I'm late for a party.
561
00:23:23,400 --> 00:23:25,700
Can you help me
with this zipper?
562
00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:35,400
Sam? Sam?
Sam? Sam?
563
00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:36,500
Sam...!
564
00:23:36,500 --> 00:23:38,500
Piano. Piano, Sam.
565
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,400
For God's sake, piano!
566
00:23:41,500 --> 00:23:42,800
Carla?
567
00:23:42,900 --> 00:23:44,700
( playing "Chopsticks" )
51308
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