All language subtitles for How.the.Gringo.Stole.Christmas.2023.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264

It's four days
before Christmas,

and it's 70 degrees.

Only in East L.A.

East L.A. may be thousands
of miles from the North Pole,

but it doesn't lack
Christmas spirit.

I'm not dirty,
I'm clean. I spread love around.

♪ I'm dreaming ♪

♪ Of a brown Christmas ♪

♪ Just like the ones
in Mexico ♪

♪ Just like every wetback
in town ♪

♪ I miss the cockfight season ♪

In the North Pole
they have little helpers

that do all the hard work.

In Los Angeles,
they're called Mexicans.

There's many stories
about Christmas,

but here is a tale that has
never been told before,

and, perhaps,
will never be forgotten.

♪ With borrachos drinking ♪

♪ And police lights blinking ♪

♪ And you don't have
no ID to show ♪

Daddy's little girl is coming
home for Christmas!

Big thanks from all of us
here at Area 51 Studios.

We hope to be bringing
Alien Zombie Wars
to a galaxy near you.

Leif, what can I say?

You've exceeded every one
of our expectations.

Yes.

Not only will this satisfy
every youngster's innate ADHD...

...it's gonna bring
people together

through some internalized
rage tendencies,

some fantasies to fulfill
right there.

Bravo!

Hey... Leif?
You still with us?

Oh, I'm sorry,
Toby, I, uh...

I gotta go. Um...

I'm afraid it's an emergency.

We were just about
to discuss the contract--

To the woman of my dreams.

Mm-hmm.

I would like to spend

my hard-earned airline miles
and Christmas bonus,

thank you very much,
Alien Zombie Wars,

to fly her
to the land of dreams.

For this holiday season,
we're going to the spectacular,

romantic paradise...

...of... oh!

Um... it's okay.

It-it's just my dad.
He just...

Somehow always has
a sixth sense

to call at exactly
the wrong moment.

- Okay...
- You were saying?

For the best girlfriend
a geek like me
could ask for...

you have won
an all expenses paid trip

down to...

You hear that?

That's you when you
were five years old

at the St. Francis
beauty pageant

before you became
a big shot in New York.

Hey, so guess what?

You're gonna have a chance
to sing your favorite
Christmas song again,

because I am having
my first annual

Mexican Hispanic American
Chicano Christmas

and we're so happy
that you're coming home

to spend Christmas
con la familia!

- Do you wanna get that?
- Um...

Yeah. Mm. I'm sorry.

Um... I'm just gonna talk
to him real quick, okay?

It'll take, like,
two seconds.

- Okay.
- Yeah? Okay?

- I'll be back.
- Love you.

What-- who said I was coming
home for the holidays?

And, Dad,
I'm an assistant editor.

I-I've been working
at the magazine
for barely two months.

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

♪ Feliz Navidad ♪

Okay, Dad? Dad?

Christmas is in like...

Okay, you can't just spring
a 3,000 mile trip on me
at the last minute.

I have
to talk to my--

My boss.

No, no, no, here's
the beautiful thing.

- I already called your boss
and I told her...
- You did what?!

...about all the things
you used to do
when you were little,

how we knew
you were gonna be big
in fashion,

and you were dressing up
los perritos and having
a fashion show

and you were nine years old,
and I told her that, you know,

you wanted to come over here
to be with your family

and she said that they are
gonna be closed

between Christmas and New
Year's, and she didn't mind
if you left a day early!

- ♪ Feliz Navidad ♪
- Okay.

Um, Dad, I'm gonna have
to call you back, okay?

And here's your room.

Oh, he said hey!

Bye! Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. I'm hanging up
now, okay?

- I'm hanging up.
- I can't hear you. Huh?

- Bye-bye.
- Hurry up--

Oh, no.

Can you believe him?
Did you hear that?

He wants me to go spend
the holidays with them.

- He--
- I know.
It's...

Well, do you wanna hear
something amazing?

That's exactly where I was
planning on taking us
for the holidays.

Wha--

To spend them
with my family
in East L.A.?

That's your idea
of the "ultimate
romantic paradise"?

No, well, I know
how important family
is to you,

so actually
what better gift

to a girl who lives
so far from home?

You're kidding, right?

- I'm totally joking, yeah.
- Oh, okay, I was gonna say.

- 'Cause that's crazy.
- I'm actually...

I'm not joking. Look,
I got the tickets.

- What? No, you didn't.
- Yeah.

- No, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.

Um... I mean...

I mean,
I do miss them.

But, babe,
I'm not gonna wish

spending Christmas
with my family upon anyone.

Look, I just wanna
make you happy. You know?

Would spending the holidays
with your family make you happy?

Yeah.

- We're doing this?
- Yes.

- Are you sure?
- Yes!

- A hundred percent?
Positive?
- Yeah.

I mean, call your dad back
and tell him you got
a new boyfriend or...

- Um...
- It's like he doesn't know
I exist, so...

It's okay, don't worry.

My Dad loves surprises.

I hate surprises.

Take this check,

take that gift,
give it to your mom.

Damn!

Merry Christmas!
Feliz Navidad!

Happy 25th.

No matter how you say it,

you can't help but to say it
with a smile,

but this year,

Christmas will come
in a different
shape and form,

one that I could've
never imagined,

one that would change
my father's unwilling heart
forever.

Huh?

Am I the first White guy to set
foot in this neighborhood or--

No. No, no, no.
Mm-mm.

Most of the police
are White.

I mean, I'm sure
your dad's gonna love

you bringing home
a gringo boyfriend.

Aww,
my beautiful gringuito!

My father is an equal
opportunity boyfriend hater,
okay?

'Kay.

Hey, look,
it's mini-Mario Lopez.

Hey, what's up, ese?

What's in the box, eh?
I'm hungry.

Me, too! Hey,
throw me a bear claw!

Hey, fool,
you're on a diet,
remember?

No carbs, ese.

That's right, ese. You know
how much I love conchitas.

- Hey, what color, fool?
- Don't tell nobody, homie,

but the pink one, ese.

Ah, that's what up, fool,
that's what's up!

- Want some right now?
- Let's-let's go.

Ooh.

Javier de la Torre,
at your service.

Of course you are.

You must be Carmencita.

Who is it?!

Home delivery services.

How are my favorite ladies
on the block doing today?

I just stopped by to bring
you ladies some pan dulce.

Thought it would be good
with your cafecito.

I'm running late for an appointment.
Big remodel in Brentwood.

Well, we're open 24/7.

By the way,

- you ladies
should be arrested.
- Why?

I heard it was against the law
to look so beautiful.

I dated a guy
like him once.

You dated someone
that looks like everyone.

Mm-hmm.

and he text me back.

Porque he should be
calling me.

- The lawyer from last night?
- No, no, no. That was Hector.

This is Fernando,
the computer programmer.

You need a computer
just to keep track.

- Okay, so, but-- pero...
- That's not a bad idea.

We miss you.
So, when are you arriving?

Mm-hmm.

Okay? Okay, hurry. Okay.
You guys, guess what?

¿Qué?

Mi Claudita
is on her way!

Check it out.
My suegro's here.

That's my suegro,
homie.

Hey, when did you guys
get out?

Hey, vato, what's up?

What's that?
You got the cramps?

Hey, do what my mother-in-law
does. She lights a candle
at night.

What'd you say, ese?

Hey, don't be disrespecting
the homeboy, ese.

You guys disrespect
this neighborhood

every time you stand out here.
Don't you guys work?

Y-y-y-yeah,

and-and Casper's working
on his probation,

I'm working
on a new s-s-song,

and Lucky's working
on a tasty,

- delicious
mal-mal-malt liquor.
- That's right.

That's what you guys need,
more shit to make you stupid.

Hey, Bennie,
word on the street is,

your daughter's coming home.

Yeah, she's
real fine, ese.

Don't talk about my daughter,
man. Don't look at her.

Hey, cálmate, homes.

I bet you
she's all telenovela style.

Them homegirls be hotter
than two lizards

sleeping on a rock
in the middle of the desert.

The trash is Tuesday.
Let me go inside

and I'll get you some aspirin
for your cramps, eh?

What the hell
does that mean, fool?

I'm--

Quick, vato.

What's three plus four
minus one,

divided by shut
the fudge up, homie?

"Fudge"?
"Shut the fudge up"?

Hey, homes,
what the hell was that?

I told you, ese,
I quit bad words
cold turkey.

And now, I'm
a born-again cholo,

so shut the fudge up,
homie.

- I don't get it.
- But how can you
be born again?

Ow, my head hurts.

Whoa.

Save that pose for later.

Ay, Bennie,
you broke my Zen, hombre.

I think you should be
more concerned
with breaking your back.

It's yoga, Bennie.
You don't break your back.

You should try it, so maybe
you're more flexible in life.

No, no, no.
Where I come from,

if they catch you in a position
like that, you'll get beat up.

Where do you want me
to put the presents?

Ah.

Ay. Ay.

Gordo, we need
to get a new tree.

It doesn't even
feel like Christmas,

it doesn't smell
like a real tree.

Oh. Espera.
Look at this.

Uh, "Wild forest pine.

Bring the essence
of the forest into your home."

Ay, Benicio.

Don't waste it. We need it
when you go hacer caquita.

Okay, well then,
you know what? I'm gonna get
a real Christmas tree.

A traditional Hispanic,
Mexican-American
Christmas tree.

- Okay, and how's that?
- Because Claudia's coming home,

and as a family
we're gonna have

a traditional Hispanic Mexican
American Christmas, so...

and it's gonna be the best
Christmas ever, you know.

Uh-huh. And when did you
think of this

and why am I
the last one to know?

Because you always say no.

- What's going on, Bennie?
- Nada.

What's going on here?

Is something going on?

What you thinking?

Mi gordito,
you really miss your baby.

Is that what this
is all about, eh?

This is where she belongs.

- Where?
- She's so far away,
you know,

I mean,
what's wrong with L.A.?

We could see her
on the weekends.

Remember when we used
to go out and--

Not always about you.

She landed a big job,

she's got her new gig
in the fancy magazine,
what she wanted.

Can we be happy for her?

Can we or no?

- Yeah, no, I'm happy for her.
- You know, yeah.

I just wanna show her
that I can plan the best

and most Feliz Navidad
that she's ever had.

Okay, well that's good.
Oh, you drive me crazy.

- Oh!
- You drive me crazy!

Ay, I love you,
my yoga mama. Mira!

- Hey, watch this.
I'm gonna do it, too.
- ¿Qué?

Hey, vatos!

What's that fool doing?

He's bringing
Christmas to the streets, eh?

Hey, Bennie,
what are you doing, fool?

- Christmas ain't over yet, eh?
- Merry Christmas.

Don't smoke it.

Hey, follow me, homie.

Hey, go check it out, homies.
I got your back.

Damn, that tree
is jacked up.

Hey, that's what's up, ese.
I could take this

to those disadvantaged,
underprivileged kids, homie.

You mean
h-h-h-homeless kids
or orphans?

My kids, vato.
I'm taking this home.

Vámonos, fool,
before he changes
his mind, ese.

Hey, have you ever
smoked a-a Christmas tree
before?

- No, man.
- Well, you see,
it was flying reindeers

and dancing gingerbreads,
homie.

Forget your kids.
Let's smoke that, homie.

Let's go, homie. Come on.
Watch out, homie.

Let's go, fool.

Hey, don't be starting
to smoke without me, ese.

Who got the lighter?
Who got the lighter?

Mini, we already got
a mini vato.

Come on, m'hijo.

Try to stay sober
this year. Vamos.

Feliz Navidad!

Ah, you're home!

Oh my God, you're home.
I missed you so much.

- I know! I missed you so much!
- Oh, my God. Look at you.

- I have something to tell you.
- I have something
to tell you, too.

- Uh-huh?
- You're daddy's
little girl forever.

- I'm so glad you're home.
- No. Okay, Dad.

You'll have to let go.
I can't breathe.

- Come on.
- Okay.
I have a surprise for you.

Come back from New York,

Yeah!

Mommy!

Too much tofu in New York?

Um... ahem.

Um, okay, uh...

Ahem, Mom, Dad, this is
my boyfriend, Leif.

Leif, Mom and Dad.

- Your boyfriend?
- Mm...

¿Un gringo?

- It's--
- He meant to say hello.

No, no. That's fine,
I just wanna
hear it from him.

Mr. Sanchez,
it's a pleasure
to meet you.

Pleasure to make
your acquaintance.

Leif. Mucho gusto.

I'm Gabbie,
Claudita's mom.

Nice to meet you,
and this is Carmencita,
y la abuela Tita.

- Welcome to the family,
huerito.
- Ay! Welcome to the family.

Mr. Sanchez,
thank you so much.
I am so excited.

I've never been
in a Mexican home before.

This is crazy!

A Mexican's home.

"A Mexican home."
Okay. Okay.

Family meeting
in the Mexican home right now!

Ooh!

I mean, "a Mexican home."

What does he think?
We sleep on chile?

- That fool is mad-mad!
- - Last time I saw him that mad

was when I took
his lawnmower, dog.

Got the white boy
in the back.

Look at him.
He's looking at us.

Not even her type,
dog.

Thought she was into cholos.

I don't like
the way that fool
looked at me, dog.

So, you wanna go bang, ese?

- I'm ready, fool.
- Come on, man.
Let's go jump him in.

I'm serious.
Think he has money?

Did you know about this?
Did you know?

No, I didn't know anything.

- Since when?
- Shh, he's gorgeous.

- You see?
- How come you didn't tell me?

I-- uh--

I wa... I wanted it
to be a surprise.

Yeah, that wasn't a surprise.
That was an ambush.

You think we were surprised
when the Americans
went and invaded Mexico?

And afterwards all the Mexicans
are hanging out,

"Mira nomás,
wow, what a surprise!"

- You're overreacting
like a little bit.
- Don't worry.

Don't be rude to him.

Hey, hey,
he was rude to me first.

I wanted a Brown Christmas,
not a White Christmas.

Okay? I wanted
a traditional Christmas,

con las abuelas,
los tíos, las tías,

tamales, and all your cousins
playing in the street,

hurting themselves,
así, a Mexican Christmas.

How about you just--
you give him a chance

before you start
judging him, okay?

Give me a chance.

What's un chance?
Is that his dad's name?

Next thing you know,
we'll be carrying water
como pendejos.

What time
does the movie start?

Hey, nothing
that a tequila
can't fix.

- Leaf.
- It's Leif.

Uh, yes, yeah, I know.
Make yourself at home, hmm?

Mrs. Sanchez, I know
this is a surprise.

- See, Mr. Sanchez,
he called Claudia...
- Yeah.

...invited her home
for Christmas.

- That's the only--
- Yeah. No, no, no,
don't worry.

You don't have
to explain yourself.

The most important thing
is that you're both here.

I just wanted
to surprise him.

Well, you did surprise him,
m'hijita, you did.

You even surprised
la Tootsie aquí.

You even surprised me.
Why are you keeping secrets
like that, huh?

- Baby, come on.
- Have a seat, Leaf.

Uh, it's Leif.

- Stop.
- Gracias.

Okay. I have to have
a serious talk with Dad.

And I have a date
with a chela.

Chela?

Uh, Coachella?

Ah...

A chela.

What do you want to drink?
What do you want to drink, eh?

Gracias.

Guys...
it's gonna be okay.

Yeah.

Hey, is that fool
checking me out or what?

What's up, ese! What's up?

Mm.

Tito.

I feel like I'm starting

the next
Mexican American war here.

I'm sorry, babe.

I-- I'm sorry!

Oh.

I'm surprised
my crib still isn't in here.

You know, Claudia,

if this is gonna be an issue
with your family,

I feel like I should
probably just go.

- What? No.
- Yeah.

Come here. Come here.

It's not my family.

It's my father.

He just needs
to get to know you

in the same way
that I know you.

I love you.

- I love you, too.
- Ay, ay, ay!

I think I strained--
I think I strained my back.

Ah! I go get the Vicks.
It's good for broken backs.

Okay, you breathe...
y ahí vas.

You breathe...
No, espérate.

Ay, ay, ay...

- Is that better?
- No, no, no, no.

You have
to breathe it in.

- A ver, a ver, how about now?
- Sí. Uh-huh. It's not helping.

I have to check
the expiration date.

- Hey! Mamá! You okay? You okay?
- No, no, no. Sí, sí.

Slow down. Okay, okay, okay.

Relax, slow down...

Slow down...

- Hey, just...
- Remember the yoga?

- I do.
- Don't break--
don't, uh...

- I know what I'm doing,
- Baby, be careful,
please. Okay?

- Deep breaths, please.
- Okay. Sí.

No, you're not
gonna crack me.

I have kidney stone.
Don't crack me.

- I got this.
- Be careful, baby, please,

We're gonna move you
this way, okay?

- Okay. A ver.
- Let's go slowly.

- Baby, be careful.
- And she's doing so good.

- A ver... ay...
- Just breathe...

What the--

- ¿Qué pasa? No, no...
- What the--

Ay, ¿que pasó? Dad!

- What is this?
- Okay, he was just helping--

Oh my God, he was
just helping Mom with--
with-- with an injury from yoga.

Don't you think
you're overreacting
a little bit?

Dad...

since when do we judge people
by the color of their skin?

Hey, this isn't
about the color of his skin

or the lack of color
of his skin. All right?

I like gringos.
All right?

Because of them, we have
this amazing house
in this great country.

We have food on our table.

I mean, I love their food.
Pizza and hot dogs.

I mean, there's no taste,
like eating cardboard.

How about, in front
of all these witnesses,

you make a promise...

that you're gonna
give him a chance?

Just get to know him.

Yeah, of course.

Ay.

Hey.

Are you feeling better?

You need to apologize
to Leaf.

Leif.

You know, he actually
fixed my back.

He used to work
con los estos...

Anyway,
I feel better.

Y so maybe your handyboy
can help us with this aqui.

Hmm?

- It's how they did it in Mexico.
- It's a Christmas tree?

Yeah!

Listen, does nobody care
about tradition around here
except me?

It's Christmas Eve.
You know where they're at?

eating tofu, con ese gringo.

That's why Chicanos
are losing their roots.

First, we lost California,
and then Arizona,

and then Texas,
and then New Mexico.

New Mexico, they don't even
consider themselves Mexicans.

They consider themselves
New Mexicans.

How could you be
a New Mexican?

You know how?
Because all old Mexicans
are dying

and the new ones
are coming over,

and where are they
Christmas Eve?

Eating tofu con un gringo!
That's why!

Am I doing everything wrong?

Pero you're changing
the subject.

You're gonna go
and apologize to Leaf.

Leif.

Hey, vatos.
Ch-ch-ch-ch-check it out.

I think he-he--
he's mad at something.

Yeah, the foreigner.

Say what, fool?
You're from Puerto Rico.

I'm mad at your mom
for having you.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa,
let me school you
real quick, ese.

That is US territory,
homie.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is.

- No, it's not, fool.
- Yes, it is.

Hey, you put pineapple
on your pizza?

Oh, yeah. I love piña.

You see? That's
where you're confused.

And soon your ass
is gonna be singing

country music in Spanish
at a rap concert.

What's that mean, ese?

Says a jealous
German-looking Mexican.

- What's up, homie?
- Hey, don't be judging

no book by the color
of the sleeve, homie.

All right, what?

Sleeve? These are sleeves.

- Right here, homie.
- That's a highlighter.

Yeah, I could tat you up
real quick, homie.
Look, boom, tatted.

What's up, Highlights?

Hey, don't panic, fool.

- I'm Hispanic.
- I guess he's organic.

Hey, forget you fools.
Put the music back on.

- Señor Sanchez!
- Ay, my eyes!

Hey, give me the bull.
Ahí te va el bull.

Oh, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey.

- Ahí te va el bull.
- Don't get too close.

Watch out, watch out,
watch out, watch out, watch out.

Ahem.

You okay?

- I got you.
- I want to say something--

say something to you.

Uh, sí, señor Sanchez?

- Can you do me a favor?
- Sí.

- Can you stop
calling me that?
- What?

Señor Sanchez.

You know what?
Just call me Bennie instead.

Sure thing. Yeah.

Hey, so, Leif,
I wanted to, uh,

I wanted to apologize to you
for earlier today. I mean, I--

Oh, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, Mr--
Señor-- Mr. Bennie,

- it's really-- it's-- it--
- No. No, man, listen, I--

I mean, I thought,
you know--
you looked like--

Aww, crap.

Look at this bush!

What a mess!
Oh, here--

Here, I'll just--

No, it's all messed up.

You know, I could, uh--
I could help you with that.

Really?

I know my way
around a hedge. Yeah.

- Really, huh?
- Yeah.

All right, don't go
nowhere. Hang on.

White boy is risking
his huevos, eh?

- Ah. Let's see.
- Yeah.

- All right.
Good luck. Ahem.
- Okay.

Uh...

All right.

Damn.

Damn, homie!
I ain't never seen

anything like this
in my life.

Wow!
White boy gets down, eh?

- Bring it in.
- Oh, yeah. Let's go.

Hey, he's
a damn fool, ese.

Palabra.

Wow.

Yeah, I think
I know why that homegirl

- fell in love with him, eh?
- Mr. Bennie.

Grass, homie.

Thank you.

Yeah, here you go.

Any time.

Did that White boy just teach
that Mexican how to landscape?

Look, Bennie's speechless.

Hey, fools,
and what's next?

They gonna valet park
our lowriders, ¿o qué?

Hey, he better be careful
with this thing, fool.

- Palabra.
- He ain't touching
my car, fool.

What do you think?

Um, I mean, I like all of it,
except for the flags.

- What--
- What's wrong
with the flag?

Dad, it's Christmas,
not Cinco de Mayo.

Red, white and green.
Jesus was Mexican.

I never told you?

His real name is Jesús,
right?

- Ay...
- He'd ride around on a mule,

lived at home
until he was 33.

- Mm-hmm.
- Swears his mom was a virgin.

Your tía Concha,
she has seven kids

and she swears
that she's a virgin.

Now, either she's lying
or one of those kids
is a Messiah.

Okay, Dad,
I love him.

And your tío Gustavo,

when he was locked up
in county, said
he found Jesus there.

- Everybody loves Jesus.
- Dad!

I am trying to explain
something to you here
so we can have a real talk,

but you're not really
listening to me.

Is there a way
that we can meet
in the middle?

We need to have a talk,
you and I.

Wh-- Do you see this?

You're not even paying
attention to me.

Father-daughter talk.

Dad, what father-daughter talk?

When people talk to each other,
they also listen
to what the other has to say.

That's what a talk is.

Father-daughter talk.
Come on.

Dad... Dad!

Dad-- Are you not
gonna get my door?

Uh, okay.
Wow, you changed.

Cómo que change! See,
in New York City,
there's gentlemen.

- Wow.
- Gracias.

All right, after you.

This is fun.

Okay, you know what, Dad?
I wanna go home.

Go-- no!
W-we-- we just got here.

What-- this is
your favorite place.

What? No, it's not
and it never was.

Cómo que never was?

What-- what is this?
Dad, I'm hungry.

I want actual food.

¡Ay, qué rico!

Hola. Hola, Leaf.

Hi, Leaf, come here
and dance with your tía.

There you go.
Oh, no, no, not like that.

- No?
- Oh, no.

Feel the music. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Okay, come here.

Vente, Leif,
don't listen to her.

No, she's okay.

She's the non-recovered
party girl of the house.

- Ay, so yeah...
- Wow.

Have you
tried the tamales?

- Yes, yes, I have.
They're great.
- Yeah? Uh-huh.

Although I don't find
many places

that make them back east.

Yeah, uh, you're in
for a treat this year,

porque la Grandma Tita here,

she's making her world famous,
one-of-a-kind chicken tamales.

- Uh-huh, oh yeah. Yeah.
- Oh.

You'll know what's good.

- That sounds great.
- Yeah.

Dad, how come you never liked
any of my boyfriends?

You didn't even like Gabriel,
and he was actually a good guy,

and he came
from a good family.

Wait, well,
who's that? Elmo?

Elmo?

El mojado!

Dad!

He was not a wetback
and you called Immigration
on him.

Don't exaggerate,
all right?

All I did was yell "La migra!"
and that kid took off.

Hey, he ran across country
so fast,

if they had a border Olympics,
he would've won gold.

Papá, that's not funny.

Mira, Joaquin,
Frankie, Antonio.

It's like I could never
have a boyfriend

because you would always
just make it so hard for me.

Hey, well, you--

Thank you. Back to the--

back to that cage.

Um, you were too young
to have boyfriends.

What's your excuse now?

Well, at least they're Mexicans.

What about Javier? I know
he's a little bit of a playboy,

a little Don Juan thing going,

but you know what,
he's always been
really nice to you.

I am a strong,
independent woman

who is capable of making
her own choices.

You see, that's exactly
what I'm talking about,

because you're getting
to the age that--

where--

Have you and Leif...

I can't even believe
I'm gonna say this...

Mm.

Has he taken
your chanclas off?

¡Papá!

I am 23 years old.

I did not come here
for you to tell me

what it's like to be
sin chanclas.

Mira, well-- Hey,
I've known you your whole life.

He's known you two months.

Hey, beautiful.

Javier?

De la Torre?

Would you look who it is?

Mm-mm.

- Hi. Oh!
- How are you?

Your mom told me you were
coming home for Christmas.

I just did not think your dad

would bring you back
to this place
on your first day back.

Yeah, you and me both.

And he thinks I'm the one
who still hasn't grown up.

Can you believe that?

I mean, you look
pretty grown to me.

So what do you think
of my girl?

Wow, she is really pretty.

Not as pretty as you.

Ay.

So, where can I take you?

As far away
from here as possible.

Your wish is my command.

- Hm.
- After you.

- Gracias.
- Mm-hmm.

Let's get some tacos
de asada, yeah?

Sí.

Can't I do anything
to help out?

I feel like I'm just sort of,
uh, standing around.

- No.
- You are just standing around.

Get to work.

Sí, señorito.

A. Señorita.

Oh, that's right.
Uh, a, girls,
o is for boys.

- Sí.
- Señorita. Señorita.
Disculpe.

You are disculpado. Hm.

Now, everybody in this family
helps out with the cooking.

I used to be a chef
in Mexico.

Mm, and a very good one.
Mm-hmm.

Wow, now I really
can't wait to try

your world-famous
chicken tamales.

You have to start
with fresh, m'hijo.
That's the secret.

Now, Leaf,

go into the kitchen

and get the chicken
out of the stove, please.

Sí, señorita.

Where's the chicken?

You're stupid.
Hi, baby.

Hi. Hey.

You must be Leaf.

- I--
- You're a lucky man, bro.

This is Javier.
I just told him
everything about you.

I'm sure you did.

He's just an old friend.

By old friend,
you mean friend
or friend-friend?

- Hmm?
- Have you ever seen
Claudia dance salsa?

- No.
- Ay, stop it.

My friend,
you are missing out.

Stop it.

There's goes
that F word again.

Don't worry, huerito.

She'll show you.

I'll see you around.
It was nice to meet you...

- Twig?
- Epa, Leif, I told you.

Is there something
I should know about?

Because if I don't know,
I don't know, but if I
know,--

Yeah. Actually, there is.

I knew it.
Damn, he's handsome.

- And he can dance, too?
- What? No, no.

- He's just an old friend.
- How long have you known him?

He's just an old friend.
I told you.

My Dad, he took me
to that cheese place.

Where is your dad?

Probably still playing
at Cheesy Chuck.

It's because of me,
isn't it?

Um, yeah, of course it is.

You know, at first,
I didn't think this was
such a huge mistake,

but now I'm really
starting to think it is.

You know, I'm sorry
I don't speak Spanish

or know how to salsa.

You know, your dad
would probably be more happy

if you were
with that Javier guy
instead of me.

Ay, ay, ay. Es que you men
are impossible.

Between trying to please you
and please my father,

I just feel like I can't win,
so why do I even try?

- I just--
- Where are you going?

I-I don't know.
I don't know.

Wait!

That was so sweet!

- What?
- ¡Cariño!

I've never heard you
say that before.

Well, I mean, maybe I could say
something right, you know.

Well, yeah,
for once.

Aw.

They're--
they're watching.

You should teach me
how to salsa.

Oh, you want me
to teach you how to salsa?

You're gonna start
with your feet like this, eh?

Okay, you know what?
Forget about your feet.

- Like this?
- Let's work on the hips.

- Okay. Like this?
- Okay, a little bit. Just--

Forget about your feet.
Let's work on the hips.

- Okay.
- Okay. Uh-huh.

I like that.

- Okay, hold my hand, baby.
- Like this?

No, my love,
move your hips.

- How about this?
- Okay, forget about the hips.

How 'bout you just twirl me
and then you dip me, okay?

Okay. Okay.

- Do what? Wait, wait.
- Twirl and then d--

- Baby!
- Um, I'm okay!

- Seriously?
- What are you guys doing?

- I-- Oh, God, how long--
- Oh, I didn't mean to do that.

I-- how long have you been
standing there?
When did you get home?

Long enough to see Mr. Leif
doesn't know what he's doing.

We were just--
we were just having fun, Dad.

We were just dancing.

Dancing. Where I come from,
you see a guy moving like that,
you call him a pinguino.

- Let me show
you how it's done.
- Here we go.

- Here, give a little
spin here, comes back.
- Mm-hmm.

When you get more advanced,
you can spin her again.

She comes to you, hi,
and she comes back.

Así, just like that.
Beautiful.

- All right,
now it's your turn.
- All right.

Okay.

No, no, not with her.
With me.

- What?
- Come on. Yeah, come on.

Hey. You have to feel it,
all right, pinguino?

Right here. You have
to feel it. Do you feel it?

- No.
- Then you do a nice little turn

and come back. Okay.

A bailar!

- It's all
about confidence, okay?
- Okay.

All right, I got you
right here.

- Okay.
- Nice and ea-- Ah!

Ah!

Then I go into a bridge.

And tight, tight, tight.

Oh.

What happened?

I was at Cluck-Y-Cheese
with Claudia to have
a father-daughter talk.

She hates
that place.

Why does everybody
say that?

Bueno, y how was it?

What do you think?

Now I know
where the brown eggs
come from.

Entonces what happened?

We got in a little argument.

Where is she now?

Now, she's outside
dancing salsa
con el gringo.

Oh, well, that's good.

That's great.

Yeah.

Okay.

Ay...

And all I wanted was
to have a perfect Christmas.

Ow, ow...

Okay, baby,

so my Aunt Carmen is
in the guest bedroom,

but make sure
that you don't go in there,

because otherwise
you'll be dancing
to cumbias all night, okay?

But I'm sure Tootsie here
wouldn't mind you being

her little bed buddy,
right, Tootsie?

Well, at least tomorrow
is Christmas Eve, you know.

I mean, what could
possibly go wrong then?

Mm, just a few
Mexican ticks.

Yeah.

I'll see you
in the morning.

If not before then.

Oh.

Yeah.

- Let's go, baby.
Come on.
- Woo!

- Okay, I'm trying, baby.
- That's my baby girl.

- Get her away from the remote.
- - Oh, yeah.

- You're doing great.
You learning?
- She's doing fine.

- What's this nonsense?
- Oh!

It's actually a prototype
from Leif's new game
that he built. Ooh!

He actually
even sold it
to a big company.

- So, you play games
for a living?
- I design them.

Oh, yes!
Score, huerito! Woo-hoo!

So, pushing buttons
so some space idiotas

can kill each other
is your idea of a game?

Hey, let me tell you something.

A game isn't played
in someone's living room.

No, no. No. Ay.

A real game is played
on a field 120 yards long

and 80 yards deep,
and it's called football.

Do you mean soccer?

That's what you gringos
call it, okay?

Football was invented
by my Aztec ancestors
700 years ago.

And you know what they did
to you if you lost?

- Uh, sent you
to the locker room?
- No, man.

They sacrificed you
to the gods.

Ripped open your chest
and they pulled out your live,

still beating heart.

- My God.
- On that field,

you became a man,
an hombre, un patrón.

- Oh, like the tequila!
- Not like the tequila.

Patrón is a boss.

Claudia said
that you're a captain, man.

Are you a captain?

Mm, I was the captain
of my high school debate team.

Oh, debate!
Wow, sounds muy macho.

All right, captain.

It's time for you to play
the game of the gods.

Meet you on the field
in half an hour.

She knows where it is.

In-- in the park?

Ay, no.

Ay, ay, ay...
Afternoon, huerito.

Hey.

Did you get a good
night's rest?

I hear you're
quite the local celebrity.

No, man, Claudia's the one
who's the rock star.

So you and Claudia,
you, uh, know each other
quite well, huh?

Like brother
and sister, amigo.

You know, she does
a really good in and out.

You should have her
show you sometime.

- Excuse me?
- Uh, it's a salsa move,

where you bring the lady in,
and then you lead her
right back out.

Here, let me show you, Leaf...

- Come on.
- Have a good game, huerito.

Twig.

- Sorry, babe.
- Let's go, y'all.

This is a very dangerous
game, okay?

So you're gonna have
to follow my lead.

Vámonos.

Where'd you go, potty?

¿Qué?

Heads or tails?

Tails.

I knew you were
gonna pick tails.

- Ah! Aguas!
- ¡Eso!

Damnit.

Get ready to have
a long day there,
One Direction.

Your starting position
is right here. Okay?

- Right here?
- Yeah. You got it, baby!

Come on.

- ¡Portero!
- What do I do?

- Get the left side
of the field!

Oh, this dude's got nothing,
homie. Let's go.

Baby,
don't use your hands!

- Foul! You can't
use your hands!
- He fouled!

Google it!

- Baby, you can't
use your hands, babe.
- Okay!

- You used your your fist.
- That was illegal.

Ha! That wasn't
the only thing illegal here.

- Hey, give me some Vicks!
- No problem.

I have my Vicks.

- I was protecting myself.
- From what?

- From the ball.
- From the soccer ball?

Get him a helmet.

Come on, stay alert,
stay alert!

Let's do this!

Watch out,
chaparrito,
watch out, fool!

Why are you running, fool?

That's right!

- Why you move?
- Goal!

What are you
looking at, ese?

El Mighty,
you're coming
to work, ese.

I think you killed him, fool!

Oh, ouch.

Ooh.

Ay.

Snow in East L.A.?

What are these fools
doing out there?

Why isn't Grandpa
here with us?

Oh, come sit down, sweetie.
Why are you asking
that question?

Well, grandma said
the reason why he isn't here

is because he went
to the North Pole.

Mm-hmm.

Actually, son,
he went south to Mexico.

'Cause all he ever wanted
was a Mexican Christmas.

Uh-- there's Christmas
in Mexico?

- Mm-hmm.
- Of course, sweetie.

Christmas is everywhere.

If there's Christmas
everywhere,

then why isn't he here?

And also,
why is he in Mexico?

Well, because he complained
so much about living here

that he went back to Mexico.

Mm-hmm. And he lived
happily ever after.

He has a lot
of Mexican friends.

Is he happy?

He loves it.
He even has a burro.

I'm confused, Mom.

Scoot in a little bit,
yeah, sweetie? Let's eat.

Ho, ho, ho, ho.

I'm sorry if I woke you up,
Mr. Sanchez.

Is that all
you're sorry about?

Oh...

Are you okay?

My head hurts,
no thanks to you.

I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to.

Leif, what are you
doing here?

It's because of Claudia.

Okay.

I know what it's like
to be young,

and I know
what you want from her,

so please, don't make me out
to be some pendejo, okay?

Is that how you felt
about your wife
when you first met her?

Okay, for once,

can you just please be clear
about what you're trying to say?

Mr. Sanchez...

I would like to ask
for your daughter's hand
in marriage.

Leif--

You know, I don't wanna
say the cliches,

like our love story began
in a single glance

and, you know,
it was at that moment
that I knew...

that I had encountered
my soulmate.

But that's exactly
what I'm saying.

Mr. Sanchez.

Are you okay?

- There you are.
- Hey, hey.

I was looking for you.
You're gonna miss the piñata.

Oh, well, I was, um,
talking to your dad.

Oh, is-- is he okay?
Did he wake up?

Yeah. Yeah, um,
well, sort of.

Sort of?

He was a little unresponsive.

- Unresponsive. What--
- No, um--

what do you mean
by unresponsive? What--

I asked your father
if I could have
his permission--

D-Dad?

Dad! Dad!

Is this what you mean
by unresponsive? Dad!

All righty.
Let's get this--

How are the tamales, Tita?

Is that question rhetorical?

Oh.

- Hey.
- ¿Qué?

Ay!

Over here, m'hijo!
You okay?

We all gathered here

for what we thought
was gonna be

a traditional Mexican

Latino Chicano Christmas.

But because of this gringo
right here...

Aw.

...I lost my self-respect,

my dignity,

and I've been humiliated
in front of my family.

But since it's Christmas,
a time to be joyful and merry,

I've come out here
with a pasted-on smile.

It's a season to be
happy and joyful,

just to tell you, cabrones,
Merry Christmas!

Feliz Navidad.

Not on my tradition.

Not on my Christmas!

Your Christmas?

What do you mean,
your Christmas?

Dad, Christmas is supposed
to be for everyone,

and you have done
every possible thing
to destroy it.

Perdóneme,
señor Sanchez.

What did you say?

You know what I just said.

Now, you-you hear it,
but you don't listen.

- Which is...
- Um--

...exactly why Claudia's more
than kind of upset with you,

in case you haven't heard.

What gives you the right
to speak to me like that
in my own house?

Speak to you in what way?

It won't matter
which way I speak to you,

because you hate
this gringo.

You know,
yet I've done everything

to not only be good
to your daughter,

but to be good
to your entire family.

You know, and not even
because I had to,

because I wanted to.

You know, I danced
the salsa for you guys.

- Yeah.
- You know?

I played soccer.

Oh, sorry, I'm saying
that wrong. Football.

I almost got killed
by a chicken, man,

and I trimmed
your hedges for you.

And I showed you respect
by asking for Claudia's hand
in marriage.

That was out of respect.

Yet you show absolutely none
to your own daughter,

but this isn't
or shouldn't even be
about me.

It should be about her.

If you truly loved her,

you wouldn't treat her
this way.

A ver...

Excuse me.
A ver, he-- um--

he asked you
for Claudia's hand
in marriage

and you didn't tell me?
You didn't te-- I mean,

maybe he got a concussion, no?

Is it normal to, uh--

to not be able to breathe
properly right now?

Okay, okay, this is
a season to be merry,

- not to get married.
- Happy holidays.

W-- what, hey.
Don't leave.

Don't leave until we open
these goddamn presents.

You got the party
you wanted, no?

I hope you're proud
of yourself, eh?

Damn, vatos!

The-the-the-there goes
the n-the-n-n-neighborhood.

You're the wrong guy to be
saying that, ese.

No, really, ese.

There goes the neighborhood.

Why they look all sad?

Because the party wack, fool.
We weren't invited.

- I would've gone. Shh.
- That's right, ese.

Wait, wait,
where are you going?

Guys, don't go.
The party--

I don't know!
The party's gonna be great!

Babe...

your father doesn't like me.

Because I'm, you know.

- I've ruined Christmas
for everyone.
- No, you didn't.

- Yes, I did.
- Babe, my family got
the best present this year,

and that's you
as my husband.

When I saw how close you were
to your family,

I knew I could never propose
without your father's
permission.

Look, my dad,

he was just surprised by you,
that's all, okay?

You know that's not all.
I mean, you--

you yourself said your father
liked surprises.

I don't even know
what he likes anymore.

Well, we know
he doesn't like gringos.

Babe, my father doesn't care
if you're white,
or red or green.

I'm sure he would mind
if I was green.

My father finds a reason
to not like someone

and then he just
sticks to it,

even if that's not
really the reason.

Just admit it.

This whole thing was
a huge mistake.

Well, what do you mean?
What thing? Like--

like us?

Your father, he--

he had different plans
for Christmas.

You know, probably had
different plans
for your life.

You know, I know how close
you are to your family

and that's why I wanted
to spend Christmas with them.

No, no, Leif.
Leif, please,
don't go.

Leif. Leif.

I'm sorry.

Hey, perrito,
stick around!

You guys can make
this work!

True love prevails, eh?

You think
I have a chance with her now?

Hey, you know what?

This for you, homie.

Gonna miss you
in the hood, huero.

Peace out, homie.

Man.

I actually liked
that fool, dog.

You know, any dad
would love to have

a son-in-law like Leif.

Well, merry freakin'
Christmas to us, huh?

- Have a good one.
- Thank you.

Hi, m'hija.

Your presents
are out there
waiting for you.

I mean, we could o--

we could open them all
together,

like we used to do
when you were
a little girl.

I'm not a little girl
anymore, Dad,

whether you wanna
accept it or not.

Okay.

That little girl
in those pictures
is my daughter.

No, no, Dad.
I'm your daughter,
okay?

Aquí mismo, eh?
Life-sized.

Not everything
is about you.

You know, why--

Why can't it be a boy
from the neighborhood
like Javier?

I mean, he's handsome.
He's smart.

He's got a good job.
He loves his mom,

- and goes to church
every Sun--
- And is gay.

He's gay?

Yeah, Dad,
that's a thing.

Whether you know it
or not, eh?

I should've known
because he would dance
without music, and not...

Man, should've seen it.

Aparte que even
if he wasn't, I wa--

that's not who I
fell in love with.

And you should be able
to understand that

because I make
my own decisions.

And now you won't even get
the chance to get to know him.

You broke his heart
and mine.

No, don't say that.
Don't say that.

He had nothing
growing up, eh?

His parents were poor.

He had to wash dishes,

mow lawns, park cars.

He worked hard for everything
that he had,

just like you did.

What's that?

He reminded me
a lot of you.

No, no. No, no, no,
no, no, no.

That kid wasn't that bad
after all, wasn't he?

On Christmas morning...

I wanted a bike like all
the other little kids.

And when I came down
to open my presents...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...bike wasn't there.

My dad got me
a pair of handlebars

and then he told me
that one day, you know,

he'd get me
the rest of the bike

that I could put
the handlebars on.

And he promised me
training wheels.

And he never got me
the training wheels.

My poor dad,
he worked so hard.

Never got anywhere.

And one of the last things
that he told me

was that Christmas was
for family.

And that's all I wanted to do,
was have a nice Christmas

like the ones
we used to have in Mexico.

- Ay.
- With the family

and...
training wheels.

How'd he know?
How'd he-- how did he know?

Well, because I--

one of these days
that you went to work

I took them shopping...

Santa style. Yeah.

But how did he find
the exact ones?

We went to Olvera Street.
Mm-hmm.

And you should've
seen him, eh?

Ooh, that kid?

He wouldn't stop
until he found them. Yeah.

Just because he wanted
to make you smile.

Baby...

You know what you gotta do,
amor, right?

You got your training wheels.

Now go out there
and be a father to her.

I wanted to tell you

that--

that I was wrong.

In the business that I'm in,

you see a lot
of beautiful flowers.

Like, s-some are very rare
and delicate roses,

some of them I planted
with my hands.

And it's my job to protect
the roses from the weeds.

I thought
that it was my job

to protect the rose
from being hurt.

I thought that Leif
was another weed

that was trying
to keep my rose
from blooming,

but I realize now
that my rose

has bloomed
into this incredible woman

and that Leif is now
your protector and not me.

And that, you know,

also papi wants
to say is that--

uh-- that he--

he was--

He was the weed.
He's been the weed.

And that you
and Leif are roses.

- Yeah, roses.
- Yeah.

And that we, as a family,

we have to protect--
somos un garden.

And we have to protect
the roses.

And-and that you know,
you make us so,

so proud every day,
m'hijita.

because he's the coolest
and the sweetest boyfriend

in all of East-- East L.A.

Leif, pero mm. Mm-hmm.

We got a plane
to stop!

But, whoa, Clau,

you cannot get him back
dressed like that.

- No, that's true.
- Okay. Okay.

Let's go!

Come on!

Hurry up!

Oh, man, what the hell?

What about the vatos?

- Hey! Cooper!
We need a ride!
- I got you.

- Let's go!
- To the airport.

Got you, fools, I got you, G.
I got you.

Let's go, ladies.
You guys will fit.

Hey, no tips.
I'll accept a kiss.

Let's go. Come on!

- Amárrense! Here we go!
- Hit it!

Woo! I want
one of these bedroom.

Make 'em bounce.
Make 'em bounce
higher, homie.

Make 'em bounce.

This is really cool.

I popped my tire, fool.

- Ay, what?
- My bad. Sorry.

- Now what?
- Sorry, guys.

Sorry, man.

Yo!

Y'all need a ride?

Uh, take it back to the bottom
of the ocean where it belongs.

We'll go steal a car.
We'll meet you there, homie.

Your little homie
learned that in prison.

Gate?

- Oh, okay. Okay.
- Sorry!

Okay. Ay, mira,
I think it's over there.

I have to stop
my son-in-law from getting--

Well, not yet,
but getting on the plane.

I mean, he's my fiance.
I mean, not really.

It's not like he proposed to me.
I mean, he did propose,

- pero mi papá nunca told me.
- You have your boarding passes?

You can just
pat me down so I can go in.

I'll tell him
all about it.

Ma'am, don't touch me.

My son-in-law,
he cannot go on the plane.

- Mm-hmm.
- So, can you help us with that?

- Did she say dangerous?
- No, no, no, no.

You know, can you guys
please step aside?

Can you please--
Please, guys, step aside,
ma'am.

Oh, no, no, no.

- Ahí está. No! No!
- Wait, wait!
Where are you going?

Oh!

Whoa.

- Damnit.
- Hey, man,
I'm just trying to keep

my future son-in-law
from leaving.

Can you please tell your dad
to stop doing that?

It's the second time.

I was center cornerback.
East LA had
the Fighting Fails. Ow.

Does this mean I can have
Claudia's hand in marriage?

Think I'm getting
arrested for nothing?

Keep your hands
where I can see 'em!

- Baby...
- Aw.

Will you marry me?

Yes... yes,
a million times, yes.

Ay, bueno,
I'll put it on myself.
It's okay.

Oh, fool.

I'm sorry.

You've got nothin'
to be sorry about.

No, man, I should've been
myself from the beginning.

You know,
I was such a poser.

I was pretending
to speak Spanish

and I ruined Christmas.

Are you kidding me, man?
You saved Christmas.

My daughter loves you.

You made my Christmas
the best ever.

Welcome to the family!
Merry Christmas.

Ay, pero where are you
taking him? Epa!
Where are you taking him?!

Hey, you should see
what we do for New Years.

Hey, where y'all going?

I'ma go this way.
They got tamales,

so I'm gonna go eat.
I'm out.

- I'm gonna go with Leaf.
- I think his name is Leif.

- No, it's Leaf.
- No, it's Leif.

It doesn't matter, fool.
Let's go.

Leaf, right?
Is it Leaf or Leif?

Leaf, he's a swell guy.

Yeah, yeah, a lot of people
will say Leaf when it's--

when it's Leif.

This family,
it's a taken a lot of,

ahem, a lot of correcting.

That makes a lot of sense.

They're-- they're, um,
like best friends.

Whoa. Okay.

Thank you for being
such a good, um, friend.

I mean, his skin
is so perfect and--

That makes a lot of sense.

Does know Bennie
that we're here?

I just realized,
Bennie's house
is pretty nice.

Ay...

The only thing that matters
in this world for a couple

is performance, you know...

and that kid looks
like he can perform.

He's about, what, 5'6", 5'7"?

I don't really see much there,
pero hey, he must be
a nice guy, right?

Babies... no, espérame.

Cut that out.
Cut that out.

- ¿Y tú?
- What?

- You wanna marry me?
- That's Bennie's mom's, dog.

- Put that back.
- You're never gonna
get married, dog.

You know, maybe I should talk
to Leif about, like,

creating a video game
with the vatos, and maybe,
you know,

we can incorporate the car
and then-- and maybe
they can make some money

and finally not be across
the street living in their car,
right?

I was thinking a video game
based in East LA

would be ama-- would sell.
And they--

where they drive around

and maybe steal a car--
each other's cars,

Put in, like, good music.

Tootsie doesn't see color,

doesn't see race,

doesn't see if they have
fur or no fur,

pero she is kind of blind.

I'ma show up to the wedding,
and I'ma--

- I'm gonna wedding crash it.
- You can't do that, my boy.

You can't do that, my boy.
It's against the rules, my boy.

- Yeah, you gotta
respect love.
- You gotta respect--

- Respeto, homie.
- All right, I'll respect.

You gotta get her
before they get there.

Does that make any sense?
To, like, the chapel.

Hey, hey, hey, hey...

Let's take a
picture of--

that's for you.

Photo, photo, photo.

- That's for us.
- Photo! Photo!

I guess I was wrong.

This was not the story
about how the gringo stole
my dad's Christmas...

but how my gringuito

saved our Christmas.

Feliz Navidad a todos.

Merry Christmas, everyone!