All language subtitles for Ceremony.2010.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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* *

Ceremony

SAM:
He would not take no
for an answer.

Our young hero traveled
a great many leagues

beneath the ocean's surface
to find his shackled mermaid,

and he had no intention
of leaving without her.

However, the evil sea king
had other plans.

Like a madman,
driven by love and revenge,

the diver unsheathed
his speargun and fired.

His harpoon struck
the merman's heart

and blood shot out
like a miniature geyser.

The bubble surrounding
the princess burst,

as two tiger sharks ravaged
the king's lifeless body,

scattering his guts
across the sea

like a quilted feather pillow.

Yet amid the melee,
the diver bent down on one knee,

and his hand held out
a small pearl.

The princess smiled.

"Don't bother," she said.

"I've already packed."

And so they rode off
on the back of a white whale,

and with a bouquet of plankton,
they were betrothed.

The end.

Very good, very good.

(sighs)

Thank you.

(clapping continues)

Okay.

I thought that went well
back there, don't you?

Are you kidding me?
That was amazing.

It was so great to see you
in action back there.

Yeah, it felt good.
Tell me your thoughts
on the ending.

What did you think of the diver
ending up with the mermaid?

You thought
that was too easy?

Easy? No, not at all.
I mean, I felt like

it was the only way that
it could have ended.

Yeah, I agree--
and I'm the writer.

Here we go.
Are we in a rush or something?

I'm not in a rush.
We've just got a full weekend

ahead of us--
we've got so many things to do.

What is that?
Oh, just some books.

And this. You-you recommended
this to me a long time ago.

You said you felt like
it was written about you, so...

Yeah. Well,
those were my younger

and more vulnerable years.

Do you mind, sir?
This is a bike lane,
not a parking lot.

Fuck you, asshole!

* *

This is a lot
of goddamn luggage

for three days, buddy.

We're not going on safari,
we're going on a vacation.

I-I wasn't exactly sure
what to be prepared for.

I mean, you weren't very
specific over the phone.
I guess I wasn't.

And-and, you know,
I wanted to look nice if
there was gonna be girls

at the hotel.
Yeah, there might be
girls at the hotel.

You need to relax, buddy.

That's not the point
of the trip.

You don't have to worry
yourself about girls.

This trip is about us going
on boat rides in the sun,

we got to read some
books, I got to read
things to you out loud.

You've been hiding from me
in your parents' apartment,

you little prince.

It's time to get you
out of there.

Okay. I mean,
I don't really feel

like I've been hiding from you.

If anything, I feel like you've
been hiding from me, maybe.

I feel like we had lunch
not thatlong ago.

No. No, I'm not...

I don't think I've seen you
in, like, a year, Sam.

A year?
Yeah, at least.

Year?

I got a little
present for you.
What is this?

Open it.

What?
It just reminds me
of the Buck knife

you used to carry around
in your belt loop

when we were campers.

Remember?
The one that I lost?

Yeah.
That's why I got it.

Whose, uh,
whose initials are these?

Those are yours, buddy.

No, it says N.B.

No, I know,
that's my friend Noah Bressman.

He doesn't use it, though.
I took it from him.

Thank you.

It's... perfect, Sam.

Happy birthday, kid.

Thanks.

It's not my birthday, though.

I know it's not your birthday,
you silly goose.

Consider it early
for next year.

Oh, my God.

I've just been
so busy lately

with this book, Marshall.
That's what it is--

that's why I'm so lousy
at keeping in touch.

I know, I know, I know,
it's-it's fine, man.

It has nothing to do with you
personally, though.

You know that.
Yeah, and...
no, I know.

I know I don't have
to tell you that, but I should.

And I do I have to say that I
think it's really admirable

that you're able
to, like, come up

with these amazing characters
and everything

and still keep a real job
during the day,

you know?
That is my real job, actually.

Waitress,

can we get the check?

(snaps fingers)
Thank you.

You know, I was about ready to
take on the job market myself.

I sent out some resumes,
took some meetings

that my dad set up,
and then, you know,

the whole disaster happened,

and I had to move back in
with my parents,

and, you know, at first
it was hard for me

to even leave my own room,
and before I knew it,

eight months had just
flown on by.

Jesus Christ, Marshall,
that's what I'm saying.

The guy I know used to be
a crazed wild man.

You're nothing like that
anymore. What happened?

When did you start smoking?

Recently.

You probably shouldn't be
doing it at a gas station.

That's an old wives' tale,
Marshall.

(tires squeal)

* *

SAM:
You're gonna love
this hotel, by the way, pal.

MARSHALL:
Really?
I'll tell you,

it might as well have
a goddamn Michelin star.

MARSHALL:
What's it like?
It's very elegant,

very warm, got a real
Old World kind of flavor to it.

It's like they put the Plaza
at the countryside.

MARSHALL:
Oh, I love that.

Right here.

This is the place
we're staying at?

Uh, no. I think we

made a wrong
turn, actually.

We're staying down
the road I think.

Oh.

(low, indistinct conversations)

Ah, she's got a
lot of baggage.

Out of my way.
It's a wedding, everybody.

Let's get 'em.

Do you know these
people or something?

No, I don't know
these people.

How the hell would
I know these people?
(clearing throat)

Can I help you gentlemen?

Are you here for the weekend?

No, I think we're all right,
thanks, actually.

Yeah, we're not
here for the weekend.

We were staying down
the road apiece.

We just made
a wrong turn.

Then you should
leave immediately.

This car is smoking profusely.

Unbelievable, that guy.

Honestly, can you
believe that?

Yeah.

It was very condescending,
his tone, wasn't it?

I mean, I don't think
he did anything that bad.

I think he was just
doing his job.

The place seemed really
exclusive, you know.

I mean, he just thought
we were middle class

or something,
just by looking at us.

I mean, we are
middle class.

Well, that's not the point.

Hey, pull over
really fast.

I need to make
a quick call.

Okay.

All righty, you
should get us

some booze and snackys
for the room.

I got to make a call.

Who you going to call?
Get whatever you'd
like. Anything.

You just gave me two dollars.

It should work.

Hi. It's Sam.

Hi. It's Sam...

Yeah, hi. It's Sam.

Hi. It's Sam.

Whoo...

SAM:
Chief, can you just
run the card one more time?

Just run the card
one more time, sir.

Run the goddamn card
one more time, please?

He's giving me the
silent treatment.

You're going to have to give
me your wallet, Marshall.

This guy's treating me like
I'm a friggin' criminal.

Let me explain
something to you, sir.

I put money on this card
last week.

There's no reason why this card
shouldn't be working right now.

That's the card,
by the way.

That should go through.

Sorry, Marshall.
I'm going to pay you back.

I put money on the card
last week.

It's okay.
Just calm down.

I can't calm down, Marshall.
You should be angry, too.

How could it be unlisted?
I was just there.

It's a big white house
with blue shutters.

Or maybe they're black.

Does that make any difference
whatsoever?

WOMAN:
I'm not authorized
to give you...

No, you're the phone company.

You're supposed
to know everything.
There's no hot water.

I'm sorry. I can't help you.

Oh, and I was just made
aware there's no hot
water in the room.

How are you going to run
a hotel with no hot water?
Anything else, Marshall?

There's a bit of
hair in the drain.

And there is a full head
of hair in the drain.

So if you can get a maid up
or an electrician,

I'd really appreciate that.
Thank you.

I'm sorry, Marshall.

I'm just not going to let
some two-bit Indian

treat me like a maniac,
you know.

It's fine. I didn't even think
he really did anything.

Went completely numb.

Marshall, I apologize.

I know this was
supposed to be

a very relaxing weekend.

Your first weekend being out
of the house in a year.

I mean, your actions
were a little overwhelming,

but I'm just glad that
I'm unpacked and settled in.

If I could just take a chance
to relax for a little while.

Let's go to the pool.

MARSHALL:
You know, I've got to tell you,
I'm only on page 37,

but so far, I totally get what
you're saying about this guy.

I feel like it's written
about me or something.

It's kind of haunting.

You know what I think?

I think we need
to get out of here

and have ourselves a drinky.

True or false-- you want to meet
some women on this trip, right?

I mean, true, but it's not
the most important thing

in the world to me.

I mean, just sitting here
by the pool with you

is probably the most exciting
thing I've done all year.

Right. That's all
the more reason

why we should keep pushing
forward.

Look, see for yourself.

There's a very interesting thing
going on

down the beach over there.

MARSHALL:
They're all old people.

Exactly, Marshall.

They're going
to love you.

It looks like
a blast, man.

It's just... I don't know
if I'm ready to dive into

a stressful social situation
like that right now, you know.

That's the whole point
of the trip, Marshall.

We got to do this for
ourselves-- for you.

This is your coming out party.

Well, I guess we could stop by
for a minute,

but I can't exactly
go over there

in my swim trunks now, can I?

No. But you brought a suit,
right?
Yeah, you told me

to bring one just in case,
but I'd have to sticky roll it.

Well, sticky roll that thing
and blow this joint.

(waves crashing)

MARSHALL:
Why are we sneaking
around like this?

We're not sneaking around.
We're being mysterious.

Look, Marshall,
it's sunny out.

I still don't get what I'm
supposed to say to these people.

You just pretend like
you fit in,

and you'll be fine.

It'll be like the time we went
to the Harmony Club

and took steam showers
with all those old guys.

They didn't question us,
did they?

We just need to find somebody

who can help us get acclimated
to the party, you know.

Ease into it a little bit.

Then when the time is right,
we'll peacock ourselves around

and show ourselves off to some
of these older women.

You know what I mean?

By the way, feel free to make
shit up about yourself,

like a job or something.

This guy's perfect.

Hey, excuse me.
Ahoy, amigo.

(whistling)

He seems kind
of strange.

Let's go.

Wait, don't go anywhere.

Is there a problem, officers?

I haven't done anything.

Let me ask you
a question.

What's a guy like you
doing by yourself

when the party's
over there?

Just hanging out
by the ocean, officer.

Well, we're down on the beach

and your party's rattling
our walls a little bit.

What kind of dragon
do I have to slay

to get a drink around
these parts?

(roaring)

(quietly):
Pow. Pow.

I'm really glad
you guys are here.

I was getting a little
bit bored to be honest.

Well, aren't these
all your friends?

No, none of these
people are my friends.

They don't even
like each other.

Huh, you can say
that again, right?

That's why everybody
drinks, and there
are so many pills.

Hey, speaking of drinking,

(grunts)
let's drink. Hey-oh!

WOMAN:
Save some for me.

Hey, there
she is.

Hey, believe
it or not,

but this one's been in
a ladies prison, boys.

Really?
That's funny.

So has Marshall.
May I?

Oh, I love the flavor
of this brand. Very smooth.

Yeah, you'd like it a lot
more if you inhaled it.

No. I-I did.

Sweetie, look.

Dolphins!

It's terrible.

All right.

This is the smartest thing
we've ever done, by the way.

So what do we do now?

What do you mean,
what do we do now?

Who do you like?
What girl?

I mean, she's kind of
beautiful in a sad kind of way.

Everybody here
is sad, Marshall.

That's why we could really
clean up in a place like this.

However, I don't think you
should be focused on the maid.

I would focus on that redhead
over there, though.

She seems elegant.

She'd be lucky to
have sex with you.

She's laughing at us.

Laugh back at her.

(laughs)

No, that's what these
people do here, Marshall.

They laugh at you.

That's why we could
really clean up.

Because we're
the young bloods.

You know what I mean?

Up. Up. I think
I got something.

Let's go fishing.
WOMAN:
Right.

Right. Right. I heard
it was her favorite movie.

Briefsomething
or other.

Brief Encounter.
What?

Brief Encounter--
the film you were talking about.

It's based on Noel Coward's play

called Still Life,
which came out in '36.

You guys might have been around
for that, actually.

Who are you?
Oh, I'm Sam Davis.
Nice to meet you.

I'm a published author

of several children's stories
and such.

Oh.
This is my friend
Marshall, by the way.

Marshall, say hi
to the captain.

Hi.
Tell them
what you do, Marshall.

Oh, I-I don't actually
do anything right now.

I haven't really been
in a healthy enough state

to even fathom holding down
a real job, you know.

Marshall's a comedian, actually.

No. The truth is,
that I've just been going

through kind of a rough patch
right now,

and so I haven't really been
putting myself out there.

Just been too exhausted,
but, uh,

uh, when I do, I think
I might want to be an actor.

Or a sea captain.

How do you get into that?

(seagull caws)

Excuse me.

Look at you.

What are you
doing here?

Oh, my God,
you look amazing right now.

Honestly,
you are such a sight.

Look at you
in this light.
Answer the question, Sam.

Have you grown?
I think you've grown.

Maybe it's just your posture,

but you seem a little taller.
I don't know...

Seriously, Sam, what the
fuck are you doing here?

What are you talking about?
Your brother invited me.

Why are you acting like this?

You've never even
met my brother.

That's not true, actually.

We just met down
on the other side of the beach,

and he invited me to come
and have a few drinks

and say hi,
so I'm just saying hi.

You can't be here, Sam.

You have to leave.

Didn't you get
my postcard?

Which postcard?

You sent me a lot of postcards.
Hey...

Why are you acting like this?
I haven't seen your face...

Hey, look at this.

That's my sister Zoe,
man.
Yes, it is.

Isn't she pretty?

Coincidentally, your sister
and I have already met,

and I agree--
she's completely beautiful.

No.
All right.

So, Teddy you met
Sam then, yeah?

Thank you, Teddy.

Yeah.
Sam Davis.

Oh, Sammy Davis.
(laughs)

You sly fox, man.

No...

All right. Well, I'm gonna
go find your friend, man.

It's on me.

You brought a friend?

Yeah, he drives.
Oh.

Listen, do you want
to go somewhere and get a drink?

No, I... No,
I can't, okay?

I would like
to talk to you.
No.

No, no, no.

You have got
to leave now.
I'm not going anywhere.

Oh, there she is--
my beautiful, elusive woman.

Can I steal you away

to take a few pictures
with a photographer?

Of course.
Who are you?

Are you...?
This is Whit.

Whit, I'm Sam Davis.

Pleasure to finally
meet you. I've heard...
Sam.

many, many
things about you.

Zoe's told me
many things.

Oh. Big Sam.
Mm-hmm.

Of course you are!

Come here!
Oh, my God!

My God.

Finally, a chance to meet

the famous Sam Davis!
Yeah.

Darling, you didn't tell me you
invited Big Sam for the weekend.

I didn't, but Sam's

not gonna stay
very long.

Yeah, no. I won't be
staying long at all.
Oh.

It's really just
a funny coincidence,

because our hotel shares a beach
with your miniature castle

over here, and, uh,
we ran into Teddy,

and he invited me to say hi,
so, just saying hi.

You'll have to forgive me,
but the way Zoe speaks of you,

I always sort of imagined
this tall, strapping fellow,

what with all the,

"Sam sent me this," and
"Sam wrote me that."
Right.

You're far slighter
than I imagined.

Well, it looks like Zoe's
telling you some tall tales,

then I guess.
(laughs nervously)

He is funny.
You were right.

Hey, you Mick,
you've got a lot

of fucking nerve
showing up here.

Oh. Here, here. Oh, come on.
Thanks for inviting me.

I will take out your
fucking front two teeth

if you keep this up.
Isn't he something?

What's with the
little mustache?

What? I forgot
I even had it, actually.

Do you like it?

Hmm. I like you
better without it.

WHIT:
Do me a favor.

Stay close by
'cause I want to talk

to you about the idea
I just had.

I'm so sorry about that.

Bruce and I spearhead the Little
Foot foundation together.

We made 10,000 pairs of
open-toed adjustable sandals

just last year
for poor African children.

Makes me feel good, you know?

Yeah, it should. Huh.

You need a drink.
Yeah.

So, tell me, Sam, where is it
you said you were staying?

My friend Marshall and I
are staying at this neat

little Native American place
called the Little Mohican Inn.

It's a fantastic place.

You guys should go if you ever
have an opportunity.

Now, listen, Sam, we've got
to take this photograph,

but it seems a bloody waste

for you and Marvin to stay
in that Indian shit hole

when we've got this big
lovely house all to ourselves.

ZOE:
No. No, no, no, no, no!

Every room is...

Aren't you gorgeous?
...full...

...in the house.
I'm sure
we can find a place

for these two
to bunk up in.

It's your rule--
the more the merrier.

You know, it's so rare
that we have the whole gang out

to celebrate
such a gorgeous occasion.

Oh, you know, what is
the occasion, by the way?

You haven't told him, have you?

Of course I have.

No, no, no,
you haven't told me.

I don't know what's going on.

Somebody please tell me
the good news finally.

Zoe and I are getting
married on Sunday.

Yes!

Married?! Really?

And it's my birthday!

That where I got...
and here, too.

You can't really
see a scar, though,

because I have an
amazing plastic surgeon.

Excuse us for a moment.
Hey, pal.

What am I,
a fucking waitress?
Oh, my goodness.

I thought we made an agreement
to lie about ourselves.

Yeah, but I hate lying.

I'm terrible at it.

Oh, you'll get better,
trust me.

Who are those people
you were talking to?

I think I recognize
that guy from someplace.

Funny enough, those are
some acquaintances of mine

that are staying here
for the weekend.

And I've told you about
my friend Zoe, have I not?

No.
No? Doesn't matter.

Anyway, listen, I think
we should check out

of the Mohican
and stay here for the weekend.

What do you mean?

Well, I mean, I was just
extended the invitation

for both of us, and I think
we ought to take it.

But I love the Mohican.

It's got a lot
of character.

Marshall, people only say that
about terrible things

when they're trying to be nice.

I mean, look around, pal.

Every single person here
wants to know who we are,

especially that spunky-looking
redhead over there.

What's her name?

Esme.
Esme. Exactly.

And I'm sure that sad maid

is around here somewhere
lurking around.

Those are two very
realistic options for you.

You're not going to get a deal
like that at the Mohican.

I just... I don't
feel like we'd be able

to spend as much quality time
together if we stayed here.

Buddy, listen, this is
a golden opportunity here.

Okay? I'm just saying.

I mean... it's your call.

I told you what I feel.

You tell me what you feel.

I feel like...

I want to stay
at the Mohican.

Okay.

(bell dings)
Third floor, mens wear.

That old boy
put you on the third floor.

Marshall, I don't want
to beat a dead horse,

but remember, you don't
have to explain everything

to everyone
all the time.

You know
what I mean?

Just pepper in a little
subtlety here and there.

Trust me.
What, you're saying
I'm too obvious?

Dude, never say
that. Ever.

TEDDY:
Keep up!

(laughs)

This place is like a playground.

You have a canoe,
you have golf clubs.

You have every sort of ball
known to mankind.

TEDDY:
It is what it is, man.
This place is incredible.

I love it.
I wouldn't put you here.

Little more subtle, Marshall.

(sighs and sniffles)

What's that smell?
Cat shit.

SAM:
Zoe loves cats, right?

She's got strays
running all over,

and they all take shits
under your bed, man.

Are they rescues?

Yeah, they're rescues.

She rescues, cats, dogs,
gerbils, anything, man.

SAM:
God, that sister of yours.

She's always taking
care of everybody.

She's got a lot of love
to give, doesn't she?

She's the best.

She took care of me
from day one on, so...

Look how good you
turned out, big guy.

(whistling)
Uh-huh.

Look, I want
to be the guy

who takes care of you guys
this weekend, okay?

It's my sister's
wedding.

She wants everybody
to have fun.

So if you guys need anything--
you know, coke, pills...

Oh, actually,
I could really use

a ginger ale
and, like, an aspirin.

I kind of got, like,
a sinus thing, so...

(whistling)

I don't smoke.

Good boy.

I like that. Good answer.

Move your shit, man.

Move it right now.

Get out of my way, man.

Hey, it's a wedding, everybody.

See you, Big Ted.

I'm going to call
him Uncle Teddy.

It's hot in here.
It's really hot in here.

It's not that hot.
That's what the fan is for.

(indistinct chatter)

(door closes)
One of the cats

shit in the bathtub.

They're a bunch
of strays, Marshall.

I'm just glad
they have a home.

What is that?

Looks like
a little gift basket.

It was left
outside the door.

Really? Presents?

Were you reading
my journal?

Yeah. Marshall,

when did you start
keeping a journal?

Like, about a year ago.

You're a pretty
goddamn good writer.

Yeah. My therapist thought it
would be a good idea.

And I know you
used to have one and...

You're in therapy?

Yeah. Big-time.
Why?

Got a lot of problems.

How many problems can
you have, Marshall?

You're 25 years old.

Quite a few.

Jesus Christ,
Marshall.

You should prepare me before you
tell me something like that.

That's shocking.

What kind of stuff
they got here?

Oh, a note.

MARSHALL: How long have you
known Zoe, exactly?

Not long.

Um, we're just, you know,
friends of a friend--

that sort of thing.

I'm going to take
a shower, buddy.

You should spruce up and,
uh, get ready for supper.

Let's not be late,
all right?

Oh, there's no hot
water in there.
That's fine.

(laughter, indistinct chatter)

WHIT:
That is very funny,

and you are, yes,
a very sad man.

Who wants to hear the
story of how we met?

'Cause I only want to
tell this story once.

(indistinct chatter)

Do you know, when I first
asked Zoe to dinner,

she laughed
in my face.

No, I didn't laugh.
I didn't laugh.

No, it was not.

It was an
innocent guffaw.

Oh, what happened
to your mustache?

I look better without it.

Can you not be
so observant all the time?

Thank you.

I hounded this girl for a month
to get one dinner with her.

I sent flowers to the store
where she worked...

You did send flowers,
and they were beautiful.

So I practically
stalked you, didn't I?

(all laugh)

(laughs loudly)

Oh, that's charming.

ESME:
God, here we go.

Very funny, everybody,
laugh it up.

It's a wedding!

For all you guys who don't know
me, my name's Teddy.

That's my sister.

And our parents are dead.

(imitates explosion)

(chuckles)
Everybody dies.

It was a long time ago,
and we're doing okay now,

so don't worry about it.

So congratulations
from the family.

I love you very much.

I love you, Teddy.

I really, really do.

You're one of the good ones.

And you stuck with me

when I was all the way down,
you know?

And you always have.

There's all these snakes
in this world, but not you.

And it's time, you know,
you're moving on,

and I'm happy for you,
but I'm just going through

a shit period for me,
and so I'm just sad...

I'm... I'm just sad that you're
leaving, that's all.

I'm not going anywhere, Teddy.

Me, neither, Teddy.

(all laugh)

Cheers, everyone.
It's a wedding.

Have fun.
What you gonna do about it?

Thank you. Cheers,
cheers, Teddy.
Eat it up, boy.

Your candor and brevity
are always so much appreciated.

I fucked that up.

Um, so let me keep this brief
'cause you all know how much

I hate giving speeches,

but, um, could you
just film this?

I'm baring my soul here.
You know, catch the moment.

Here we go.

Do you know when you spend
a year in a tent

in the African bush, you learn
to appreciate the little things

in life like running water

and the taste
of a decent cheeseburger.

(laughter)

You learn to appreciate
being home around your friends,

around your family,

around the people
who mean most to you

in this unforgiving world.

Zoe... (chuckles)

(all laugh)

What?

I would be lying
if I didn't say

that loving you has been

the great adventure
of my life.

And I make films
in Africa.

(all chuckle)

And coercing you
into finally marrying me

has been by far
my greatest achievement.

Other than that Oscar.

(laughter)

I'm joking!
I'm joking!

I am joking.
You're dead serious.

I love you.

(other aahing)
I love you.

I love you.

(other aahing)

TEDDY:
Cheers, cheers, cheers.

I toast to you,

to old friends

and new ones.

I've got such huge love
for everyone at this table.

(cutlery clinking on glasses)

Cheers.

Hi, everyone. Cheers.

Cheers, Whit, Zoe.

Cheers everyone here.

Um, well,
I think I speak

for Marshall and myself when
I say that it's a pleasure...

(whispers):
Who's Marshall?

...to-to witness the pairing
of two beautiful people.

Two... two dreamers, really,

who are about to, uh...

embark on a journey of love

and... friendship.

Um, it's a rare thing
to see two people

who are so good-looking
involved with each other.

Um...

anyway, uh, thank you,
Whit, for letting us stay here.

Uh, to new friends,
and to old friends.

And, uh,

Whit...

you're a lucky man.

And, Zoe...

Whit's a lucky man.

(laughter)

If you'll excuse me a moment.
MARSHALL:
Sam, where are you going?

Oh, no, Sam, you're gonna miss
the birthday cake.

(laughter)

Damn, just missed him.

Anyway, cheers, everyone.

I hope you have
a marvelous evening.

Really. Does everyone
have enough to drink?

(retching, coughing)

Are you feeling all right?

You found me.

Oh. I'm fine.

I just think I got a bad case
of food poisoning.

So sweet of you to come out here
and check up on me like this.

Unbelievable, right?

You'd think with all the
money this guy has,

he'd serve some decent
food in this joint.

Are you drunk?

You know what.
That's it.

I drank on
an empty stomach.

You should never
do that, Marshall.

Come on.
Let's take a breath.

How did you like my speech?

It's a tough crowd out there.

You and Zoe--

you never had, like,
a-a thing, did you?

What does that mean?
What's a thing?

I don't know.

It's just, she kind of
looks at you oddly,

and you always breathe
really funny whenever
she's around.

I was just flipping through
your story again,

it just seems like there's
a lot of parallels.

Right. Have you ever written
anything, Marshall?

Just in my journal.

Well, let me explain
something to you, pal.

Let me explain to you
what us writers like to do.

We make things up;
amalgams, okay?

And what are amalgams?

They're things or characters

based on other things
or characters

sort of all mixed together
into one.

Now, while Zoe up there
and I are friends,

and I do find her
kind of interesting,

she's just a small part
of a bigger whole.

Tiny significant part
of that mermaid from my story.

She's a mixture of a lot
of different girls that I know.

Kind of like scrambled eggs.
Does that make any sense?

No. I think
I'm having a hard time

articulating what I'm feeling
right now.

I think it's fear.

It's not because
I don't trust you,
because I do. I just...

Marshall, let me just
explain something to you.

One of my best-received
stories was loosely based

on the time that you
and I tried to steal

Cleopatra's obelisk
from Central Park.
Remember that?

But I couldn't use
you and I in the story

because we're not
interesting,

so I had to replace
us with bandits.

Because bandits are
far more interesting
than normal people.

That make sense?

I didn't know you wrote
one about us.

Didn't you get
a signed copy
in the mail?

Well, goddamn it,
remind me

and I'll resend
you one.

Come on. Let's get
back out there

and loosen up
a little bit.

How's my breath?

You should
probably brush your teeth.

Thank you for always
being so honest with me.

Okay.

(lion snarling)

WHIT:
It looks like our lion friend
has found a gazelle.

I don't know
who I identify with most--

am I the predator
or am I the prey?

Being here, I see a pure way
of living.

America seems to me
so very far away.

A vile putrid place
that I never want to see again.

All right, now guys,
this is just a rough cut,

but I just thought

that since I had you all
together in one place,

I could get your notes

and raise a bit of awareness
in the process.

You know, and that's why
I've got some questionnaires

for everyone to fill out
afterwards.

Completely optional,
of course.

I just want to stay here
and hold you forever.

Who is that woman?

That's my wife.

So she is.

Right.

Be right back.
Right, right.

My friend, the chief, has just
offered me 30 head of cattle.

Lean, darling. You're blocking
the most brilliant...

That's a lot of cows.

What the...?!

(door shuts)

ZOE:
What the hell's the
matter with you?!

Have you gone
out of your mind?!

Maybe.
(grunts)

That stays on.

I've never been slapped before.

That hurt, kind of.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean
to do it quite so hard.

Well, you did.

What happened
to your mustache?

I shaved it off.
Why?

'Cause you told me to.

What are you
still doing here?

The whole reason
I wrote you the postcard

was to avoid this
from happening.

Well, maybe you shouldn't
send postcards

to people to notify them
of heartbreaking news.

What exactly
is your objective?

Seems like I'm in
the process

of winning you back.

No! I am getting married
in two days.

I am engaged.

I've always been
engaged.

I never thought you
were actually gonna
go through with it.

What happened to our
weekend in the city?

We were supposed to
be alone together.
What happened?

Whit thought it would be nice
to just schedule our wedding

while he already had
everyone here

for his birthday
weekend.

Hold on. Nothing about
that statement seems odd to you?

Didn't you read anything
I wrote?
You know what?

I can't believe
you're actually considering

this guy as a serious option
for you.

He's screening his movie
at his wedding reception?

What kind of man
are we dealing with here?

Shh! You are being childish.

So are you.

(sighs)

Sam, please, save yourself
the heartache and go home.

No.

If you refuse
not to complicate my life,

the least you can do
is introduce yourself

to one of my bridesmaids.

I'm sure they're just
as desperate as you

to get their rocks off.

I meant that in the least
offensive way possible.

And, Sam, stop standing
on your toes.

I like you the way you were.

(lively conversations)

Sammy!

Hey, guys.

Hey, how
you feeling, pal?

I feel fine.

Feel invigorated
actually.

Let's put a tiara on Sam.

(chuckles)
Thank you.

You want some pills to go
with that tiara, princess?

I'd love some.

Yes, you do.

We convinced this old boy
to partake with us.

He's a marathon boy.

My heart feels like it's metal.
(all laugh)

It's nice to see you loosening
up a little bit there, pal.

Do it, do it!

All right, I'll show you, okay.

But I want to see
every one of you out
there dancing later.

Ready? Come on.

Ready? Two, three, four.

(grunting)

(all laugh)

(laughing)
I'll take one less
than he's had.

Help yourself, man.
On the house.

Drink lots of water.
It really helps.

(laughter)

Does it make you forget
about things or what?

They'll bring you up
and they'll take you down.

("Et Moi, Et Moi, Et Moi"
begins playing)

(quietly):
Pow.

See you next week, boy.

* Sept cent millions
de chinois *

I feel amazing.

I feel like my body's
being born again.

What the hell
happened to your shoes?

I don't know. I don't know.

Teddy took my shoes.
I don't know.

I don't know why
he took my shoes,
but he took my shoes.

Marshall, you're breathing
all over me.
I know.

* C'est la vie, c'est la vie *

I actually, I've actually
had a tapeworm.

I have. Ask me how
I got rid of it.

How did you get rid of it?

I fasted for three days,

and then I stuck
a ham sandwich between my legs.

So I did it for a week,
I did this,

and I still had the tapeworm
and it was causing a lot...

I wonder what the quickest
way possible is

to get another
cigarette in my mouth?

That's the ticket.

Ahoy, Marshmallow.

Oh. Hi.
Come here.

(both laughing)

Your body is terrific.
I like your suit.

(laughing):
You're so sweaty.

* J'y pense et puis j'oublie *

* C'est la vie, c'est la vie *

* Trois cent millions
de soviétiques *

ESME:
Naughty.

You've been a
naughty boy.

You're bad.
I know.

Ow. Don't hit me.

Behave.
Why are you hitting me?

Just touch me.

Ow!
(laughs)

MARSHALL:
Stop it.

* C'est la vie, c'est la vie *

* Cinquante millions
de gens imparfaits *

* Et moi, et moi, et moi *

* Qui regardent
Catherine Langeais *

(Esme laughing)

(inhales)
* à la télévision chez moi *

* J'y pense et puis j'oublie *

* C'est la vie, c'est la vie *

* Neuf cent millions
de crève la faim *

* Et moi, et moi, et moi *

* Avec mon régime végétarien *

* Et tout le whisky que
je m'envoi *

* J'y pense et puis j'oublie *

Hi.
Hi.

You seem like trouble.

I'd like to get
into some trouble.

How old are you?

How old do I look?

I think I'm
a little old for you.

Well, I may be young,
but I wasn't born yesterday.

I don't... I don't...

I don't understand
what you're trying to say.

Honestly, I took a pill,

and I've been
blacking out ever since.

SAM:
Quick.

Act like I said
something really funny.

(laughing)

Mmm. Funny.

Why?

I don't know.
I-I like you.

* C'est la vie,
c'est la vie... *
(laughing)

("This Woman's Work"
by Kate Bush playing)

* Ah... *

Come on. Try it.

(snorts) Oh!

(laughing)

You, uh... you remind me
of someone,

and they really like it.

(laughing)

(yawns)

It's crazy out there,
you know.

It's like, one minute
you're just walking

down the street minding
your own business,

and then, all of a sudden,
there's a psychopath

in a jumpsuit
asking you for the time.

And then I'm waking up in
a hospital bed in Lenox Hill

with blood all over
my sport coat.

Mmm.

What? No, I mean it.

You want to put
your glasses on me?
Mm-hmm.

You find me attractive
like that?
Mm-hmm.

(indistinct chatter, laughing)

Want to make out?

(snorts) Okay.

Really?

* Oh, darling *

* Make it go *

* Make it go away... *

You have a beautiful face.

I think it'd be time
for us to kiss now.

Hello, darling.
Bedtime.

Oh, no, we were in the middle
of a conversation.

(sighs)
Hey. Uh... oh, hi.

Did you guys see my shoes?

I have... I have these loafers.
They're...

Uh...
(glass shattering)

Okay, uh...

Hi. Hey. Um, do you have...

uh, do you know where
I can find my shoes?

Teddy, Teddy,
I need my shoes.

(quietly):
Pow, pow, pow.

Your shoes
are mine, boy!

Okay. Uh... my room is this way.

Oh, hello.

Is this where you dwell?

(crickets chirping)

Okay, it's hot.

Oh, that's better.

(sighs)

Am I going to die?

No, pal.

Here, have some
cheese plate.

It'll slow your
heart down. Come on.

Get some food in
your little tummy.

So, how'd it go with your lady?

Who, Margaret?

Went well, actually.

We had sex-- twice--
back-to-back.

In a row?
Mm-hmm.

What's it like?

To screw on pills.

(laughs)
What do you say

you and I forget about the pills
from now on, huh?

We don't need them.

How'd it go
with your girl?

Not that good.

I walked in on the blonde maid
in the closet crying.

And Esme-- she's got, like,

some sort of husband
or something, apparently.

Don't you worry, pal.

You reacted perfectly.

You're so much better than her,
it kills me.

You kill me.

Why do you think she's with him?

Esme? I don't really know
that much about her.

No, I mean Zoe and Whit.

Why do you think she's with him?

Oh. I bet it has something
to do with her father.

My therapist says
that a lot of things

have to do with your father.

Marshall, you're so
goddamn intuitive.

I'm sure it has something to do
with her being an orphan.

I mean, it's probably damaged
her judgment in some way.

And also, she just seems
like the type of girl

who, you know,
likes to be taken care of,

and Whit clearly does that.

He's a really good-looking guy.

Successful, tall.
Really?

Yeah.

Wait, you think he's handsome?

Yeah.

Marshall, your penis looks
tremendous right now.

What?

(laughing)

You have a tremendous
penis, Marshall.

(knock on door)

Hello?

Hi.

Um... I couldn't sleep.

I need you to take a bath.

There's no hot water.

Hey. Pretend like it's
a swimming pool.

Take the
cheese plate.

Hey.
Hi.

Wasn't really
expecting company.

The place is a bit of a pigsty.

Marshall is a
bit of a slob.

Is he going to be
okay in there?

Yeah, he's fine.

Marshall loves baths.

He's my little son.
He's my sidekick.

He was having
a hard time with Esme.

Really?
He was telling
her something

about how he got
pistol-whipped.
Yeah.

I am staying in my sleeping bag,

so don't get
any ideas.

You and Margaret seemed
to really hit it off.

Hmm? How'd it work out
for the two of you?

She was very responsive.

Oh. Well, she better be.
She's had a lot of practice.

Yeah, she knew
what she was doing.

You sound awfully jealous
for a woman

who's about to get married.

What's the deal, man?

What's that?

Is this a new one?

Why didn't you send it to me?

Because I'm still
workshopping it.

Chloe the Mermaid,huh?

I can give you a brief synopsis
if you'd like.

Would you like that?

I would.
Okay.

Well, it's about a
young deep-sea diver

who's, uh, searching
for pearls

on the bottom of
the ocean floor.

Anyway, our hero falls in love
with this mermaid

who is involved in a fraudulent,

vapid relationship
with a megalomaniacal,

arguably gay merman.

You know,
complete sociopath.

The diver has to battle the
merman for the mermaid's heart.

And, uh, there's a big
fight scene at the end.

Not really sure
how it all works out.

It's better than the one
about the flying koala bear.

Yeah. That's one
of my worst ones.

What do you got there?

What's with
the legal pad and pencil?

Well, they're supposed to be
my vows, but they're all blank.

I have to write them, but
I'm having some trouble.

Uh-huh.

I kind of need
a writer's opinion.

Did you come all the way in here
for me to work on your vows?

Can you?

Where do we start?

That's where
you come in.

Wow. You're making
a real dent, I see.

(laughs)

Okay. Well, um...

I don't know. What...
what do you like about him?

Well, he's certainly not afraid
to be himself.

That's for sure.

Uh-huh.

Yeah, I can see that.

Mm-hmm.
For sure.

Okay. Let's write that down.

He makes me feel safe
and secure.

Mm-hmm.

Takes care of me.

He's handsome.

Okay. Okay.
Successful.

This is all great, by the way.
What else?

He's very strong-willed.

Strong-willed.

Good word.
These are really good.

I mean, not afraid
to be himself-- clearly.

I mean, anybody
who dances like that

can't possibly
be self-conscious.

Just completely
uninhibited.

I've never seen a man dance
like that before

without him being a woman.

This is not going to help.
All right.

Maybe not right
for the vows.

I'm just trying
to be objective here.

And, I mean, honestly,

as far as being safe
and secure, look.

How can you not feel safe
and secure with a guy like that?

I mean, he's probably
the only man in history

to wear a turtleneck
in Africa.

I like it.

Oh, it's too hot
in here for this.

And as far
as being

strong-willed goes,
that's great for you,

because you could just turn off
for the next 50 years.

Like a little robot--
be taken care of.

Isn't that
what you want?

Now you're just
being an ass, Sam.

Yes, I am.

I'm winning you back,
goddamn it.

I missed you.

I know.

That's why I came.
I could feel it.

Just shut up.

You know, if you
could just be gone

in the morning
before I wake up,

that would make things
so much easier for me.

SAM: Well, who said I was trying
to make things easy for you?

ZOE:
You never stop talking, do you?

SAM:
No, I don't.

(zipping, Sam and Zoe laughing)

(birds chirping)

Okay.

(sighs, snorts)

("La La La Lies"
by Pete Townshend playing)

* If I'm so lost
without a friend *

* Tell me,
who's this by my side? *

* This girl
with eyes like gems... *

What are you doing?

You looked so peaceful, I was
going to let you sleep more.

Boy.

We had a crazy night,
didn't we, old sport?

Well, what happened
with Zoe last night?

What about it?
I mean, why was she

in your room instead of
with her soon-to-be husband?

You want to know the truth,
Marshall?

Yeah. I want to know the truth.

To make a long
story short,

she's not sure she wants
to marry this asshole after all.

Seriously?

Seriously. She's saying

she's thinking about calling off
the whole frickin' wedding.

God, she's a very
complicated woman, Marshall.

Yeah, it seems that way.

Buddy, I know this is
the last thing you need.

I would not have ever come
down here in the first place

if I knew she was going
to go nuts on me like this.

That's okay. At least
we can leave now, right?

I can't.

Why not?

Because I have to stay here

until she figures
this whole thing out.

I'm all she has.
She's all alone in the world.

You know, who's she going
to talk to-- Uncle Teddy?

In the meantime, why don't
you go take a power nap.

I'll go downstairs and have
them whip you up some eggs.

Still like your yolks cut out?

You look like a little prince
right now, by the way.

I love you.

* La, la, la, la, la,
la, lies *

* You can't repeat
what you put 'round *

* All the things
that made me cry *
(whistling)

Hey there. Um, good morning.

Who would I speak to about
getting some... getting...

* Those lies *

Maybe getting some eggs.

Um... one minute.

Oh.

* I've got my girl
and together we're strong *

* Strong*

* To laugh at you
and prove you wrong *

(laughing)

* I don't insist
that you feel bad *

* I just want
to make you smile *

* Don't ever think
you made me mad... *

Morning, gang!
This the cool section?

Hi. Is it
morning already?

Wow.

It just
sneaks up on you.

TEDDY:
You sleep at all, pal?

Perfect amount.
How about you?

No, not one bit.

I've been working on this
all night.

Check it out.

It's a cock.

I know, Teddy.

How exactly do you know
this Sam character, anyway?

All seems a bit mysterious.

I-I was in New York,
I bumped into him.

He's a writer.

He sends me his
stories, and...

I give him notes.

Gives me something to do.

You totally fucked him,
didn't you?

He's a bit young, dear.

No. No, we're friends.

We're pen pals. If you want
to know how the sex is,

I think you got
to ask Margaret.

Hmm?

Shut up.
What?

You complete old slag!

Well come on then, tell us.
Was he any good?

Well, if holding him
while he wept because some girl

broke his heart is good,
then, um...

yeah, it was great.

Best I've ever had.

Wow.

Yeah, he's, um... he's
an intense young man.

Very emotional.

Hi, girls. Good morning.
Morning.

Morning.
ESME:
Still here, are we?

Good morning.
Made you a little present.

If I would've known you
were getting married,

I would've gotten
you something like

a blender or a
set of knives,

but that'll do.

Look, Zo, it's got
your name on it.

Yeah, it does.

Thank you.

Hey, there.
Hmm?

We had a fun night last night,
didn't we?

We did. How are you feeling?

Better, thanks.

Seriously, who are you
and why are you here?

Wouldn't you like to know?

Enjoying your breakfast,
you snakes in the grass?

If you're going to film me
waking up in the morning,

you should wake up before me.

It's not brain science.

Discuss it with Spider.
I'm done.

Look at this table
of gorgeous ladies.
Morning, darling.

Morning.
Lady of the house.

Big Sam.

Hey, morning, Teddy.
You look rested.

TEDDY:
I made this for your wedding.

It's your portrait.

It's a big skinny penis
with balls.

(laughter)

I spent a lot of time on it.

Nice shorts, pal.

Oh, that's funny.
Oh...

I think he likes me.

Finally.

Where were you
last night?

Oh, I couldn't sleep.

I worked on my vows.

Come here.

(quick kissing sounds)

What is that hideous thing
around your neck?

It's a wedding present,
from Sam.

Look. Isn't that pretty?

Yours is in the
mail, slick.

Sam.

Why don't you come and take
a ride with me down the beach?

Looks like Teddy blew off
all the fireworks last night,

and we need some more
for the reception.

Come on.
It'll be fun.

Okay.

Don't go.
Yep.

Have fun.

(rattling)

(seagulls caw)

ZOE:
Give it to me.

Right here, bring it.

(barking)

Hi.

(glass crunches)

(gasps)

(dogs barking)
You okay?

Hey!

You know, Zoe left one of your
stories lying around the house,

and I finally had
a chance to read it.

The one about the koala bear
in the Central Park Zoo.

Really? Why would
you do that?

You know, Sam,
you're not half bad.

Your writing has
a lot of character.

I will say, though, that
the adorable koala bear got...

kind of annoying, with the
whingeing and the moaning,

and I'm not sure it's
a good story for children.

Well, you're not
exactly my target demo,

but I take that
as a compliment.

Are you as much a romantic
in your real life

as you are in your work?

I certainly try.

I consider myself a realist.

More concerned
with the human condition.

I'm sure you can tell that
from my body of work, it's...

it's a bit Ibsenesque,
I suppose.

Anyway, I admire that
quality in your writing.

Although I've never really
been much of a reader.

All Zoe does is read.

All day, all night,
she'll read anything

you put in front of her.

It's quite sweet, really.

It's why... it's why she
likes someone like you.

Because I'm working
so much of the time,

it's difficult for me
to cater to all of Zoe's...

...interests.

That's our Zoe, isn't it?
She's mad!

She decides she wants to learn
tennis, she learns tennis!

She goes to all the matches,

practices every day,
she develops a nice backhand.

Her goddamn instructor
moved in with us one summer.

And then one day,

she decides tennis
is a dull sport,

a game for spoiled aristocrats,

and she wants nothing
more to do with it.

Last summer it was dragonflies.

She was obsessed
with the things.

Studied them, painted them,
took courses on them,

and then one day, poof.

No more dragonflies.

Yeah, I didn't even know
she liked dragonflies.

Well, she doesn't, Sam.

Not anymore.

ZOE:
It's okay, just hold still.

(Marshall grunting in pain)

All done.

Sam tell you a lot about me?

Well, I mean, Sam and I are
pretty much brothers, so...

he tells me
practically everything.

I hope not.

You know, I'm not sure that Sam

ever told me the whole story
of how you two met.

Uh, I was, um...

I was in New York, with Whit.

The premiere of his film...

I think it was
A Tale of Two Villages.

And we got into
a terrible fight

at the Ziegfeld,

and I stormed out
of the theater,

into the pouring rain.

I was a mess.

And suddenly the rain
stopped hitting me.

I looked up... and it was Sam.

Without an umbrella.

Holding a copy of the New York
Observerover my head.

Guess it must have been
a Wednesday.

I guess so.

We spent the entire night
together.

And when it came
time to say our good-byes...

he asked me to be his pen pal.

Sure enough, two weeks later

I receive this epic
ten-page letter from Sam.

And I made the mistake...

of writing him back.

Sorry. What am I
talking about?

So what was the plan?

He was going to...
come all the way out here,

and propose to me
in front of everyone?

I don't know.

(laughing)

That is so stupid.

I guess that's why
he brought the ring, right?

He brought a ring?

Zoe left me once,
did you know that?

No. I had no idea.

Of course you didn't.
No one does.

She's very good at keeping
secrets, isn't she?

Yeah, apparently.

Who was the guy?

He was some songwriter.

Played the tambourine
or something.

What did you do?

I let her leave.

Now, what would you
have done, Sam,

if you were me?

If I were you...

I'd have gone after her.

I guess I just don't
feel the need

to chase girls around
the schoolyard anymore.

She came back, didn't she?

Of course she did.

She always does.

(Sam sighs)

Well, do you want to get back
and get those fireworks, or...?

Huh? Oh, don't
worry about that.

I'll send an intern
or something.

Tell me, Sam, have you
ever had a lime rickey?

(women talking, laughing)

WHIT:
All right, all right, line up,
you gorgeous people.

Every year for my birthday,
we throw a paper chase.

You all know the rules.

First team to gather up

as many little pieces
of paper as you can

wins the race, and you get
to kiss a pretty girl.

And you all stand a chance this
year, 'cause I pulled a hammy

when I was chasing an impala
back in the bush.

(bullhorn squeals)

All right,
may the best team win.

You promised me
we were leaving.

I already packed up the car.

We are gonna leave,
just as soon as

we win this race, or
whatever the hell it is.

Sam, I can't participate
in a three-legged race

when my foot is like this.

What happened
to your foot?

I stepped on a martini glass.

Why would you do that?

WHIT:
Conditions are rough this year,
but thanks for playing.

It keeps it fun.

All right,
someone take this.

All right, Zoe,
let's get this going.

(gun cocks)

(shouting, cheering, laughter)

(grunts)
We need to hit a
rhythm, Marshall.

I can't hit a rhythm
when my foot is bleeding, Sam.

Come on, many
as you can.

Here, put them all
in the basket.

Everything you get,
put in the basket.

Come on, Marshall,
keep up with me.

We got to beat Whit
and his African.

You're all
right, Sam?

Doing great!

Can't run with the big dogs
and piss with the puppies.

It looks like
we're doing all right.

Come on, hurry up!

(cheering)

I don't understand
the point of this game.

No, I don't
either, dear.

Never mind, eh?
Come on, Whit!

Here we go.

Get all the little papers
you can get.

Thank you.
If you could please

leave our area, Whit!
Babe, I think
I'm winning!

ESME:
This is the stupidest
game I've ever seen.

Quit trying to be quick
when my foot is bleeding.

This is our area
right here.

Marshall!
Ow! I don't even get
what the point of this game is!

Marshall, I have no idea what
the point of the game is,

but I think we're in the
lead by half a basket.

You're a liar.

Oh, Marshall, pick
up your skirt.

Wait, what?

You're a liar.
You lied to me.

About what?

The only reason we went
on this vacation,

'cause you're completely
in love with that lady.

Admit it!
Marshall, shh.

Zoe told me
everything herself.
Shh, shh.

You lied to her
about the postcard,
Okay, okay.

and you lied to me about
wanting to be a good friend.

Marshall, okay, I understand
how this may seem,

and you're right, I haven't been
completely honest with you,

but you got to understand, it's
very complicated right now.

Whit, Whit just told me
that Zoe left him once.

She left him once and she'll
leave him again, okay?

The man is threatened
by me, I can tell.

Look at him, he's
practically running scared.

WHIT:
I love this game!

I'm a machine!

(yelling)

Marshall, this man is
playing mind games with me.

I am at war with this
man right now, okay?

You cannot let him
tear us apart.

We are on the
same team, pal.

No, we're not.

We were never
on the same team.

You just gas-lighted me,
because you knew

that no one else would
ever be a part of this.

Shh.
And because I have a car.

And now I have
a martini glass in my foot,

and you have yet to apologize!

Marshall, Jesus Christ, what
are you doing with your knife?

Marshall, don't quit.

Marshall, that's
your birthday present.

What are you doing?

No, it's not.
It's Noah Bressman's.

Okay, pal.

Don't worry, I'm gonna win
this goddamn race for you, okay?

Take care of that foot.

I'll meet you back later.

I'm getting
my shoes back, okay?

("It Don't Come Easy"
by George Harrison playing)

WHIT:
Ooh, yeah, look at all this.

* It don't come easy *

WHIT:
Come on, Sam, you
can't play alone.

You're up for
disqualification!

Disqualification!

* It don't come easy *

There we go,
there we go!

* You know it don't come easy *

(shouting)

* Got to pay your dues
if you want to sing the blues *

* And you know
it don't come easy *

* You don't have to shout
or leap about *

(quietly over radio):
* You can even play them easy *

* Forget about... *

Hi, Marshmallow.
(grunts)

Your foot
is bleeding.

Yeah. Um, do you know
where Teddy is?

I need to find him
so I can get my shoes.

Oh, well, you can
sit here with us.

We're just, we're
putting shells

in the colander.
No, that's okay.

I think I'd like to find Teddy,

so I can get my shoes
and get out of here.

Okay.

He was right
over there.

He went to go
find dolphins.

Okay, uh...

I don't see him anywhere.

You sure you don't
want to help?

We could always use
an extra set of paws.

No.

* Open up your heart *

(splashing)

* Come together *

Hey!

Hey! Get some help!

Teddy!

(grunting)

(grunting wildly)

Teddy!

I got you! I got you!

I got him!

Help!

(gasping)
Help!

(grunting)

(panting)

Teddy! Teddy, wake up!

ZOE:
Teddy!
Help!

Teddy!

WHIT:
All right, Marshall,

stand aside! We've got it!

Teddy!

Help him!
Help him!

Let's go!
Get him up!

He's not breathing!
Give him some space! Back off!

I saved him. I saved his life.

What are you staring at?!
All right, Teddy,
come on, breathe for me.

Breathe for me, Teddy.
Call an ambulance!

Teddy!

Come on, Teddy, please!

One, two,
three, four.

Teddy! Come on, Teddy.

Teddy, please.

Please, Teddy.

Not today.

Come on, Teddy, come on.
Teddy!

(coughing, gasping)

Yeah, mate, get it all out.

Spit it up, spit it up.

(coughing)

That's it,
that's it.

Turn him over.

Teddy!

All right, everyone,
he's all right.

He's all right.

Did I go under?

That's our man.
He's all right.

Yes! Yes!

(sobs)

Let's go, eh?
I'm okay.

(sobbing)

Come on, love, let
me take care of him.

All right, let's go.

Goddamn you, Teddy!
Up, up,
up, up, up.

I did it, everybody!
I did it!

(people murmuring)

WHIT:
Thank you all
for your help.

You've all been
real stars.

ESME:
The drama's over.

Are you okay?

Stop it, Sam!

Are you mad at me?

It's not about you, Sam.

It's all right.
It's all right.
(sobbing)

It's gonna be
all right.

Come on, love.

Come on, my love.

(sniffles)

I'm sorry.

It's all right.

You have nothing
to be sorry about.

(sobs):
I'm sorry.

WHIT:
It's all right.

He's gonna be fine.

(talking quietly)

SAM:
No, no, Marshall,

you can't leave!
I need you here!

I am going home.

These people-- these
are bad people, Sam.

They're irresponsible.

They're like, they're
like babies with money.

Marshall, I apologize that
I made you do the paper chase

with your bad foot,
but I honestly thought

we had a shot
at winning the thing.

You never had a shot, Sam.

And I-I can't
just stand by

and watch you do this
to yourself anymore.

I'm not gonna be a
supporting character

in your pathetic
little story.

It's unoriginal.

You are not
Holden Crawford.

All right, first of all,
it's Holden...

Marshall, please, don't use
metaphors with me right now.

Please, okay?

(clattering)

You are a bad man.

You are. You're
a bad person.

You came here to ruin a
poor woman's marriage,

and you preyed upon
a broken man

and your former best friend
in the process.
Oh, my God,
Marshall...

And you had no right
to do that!

You had no right!

Marshall, shut up! Shut up!

I am sick and tired of hearing
about your misfortune.

And the way you decide
to divulge this information

to anybody who's willing
to listen-- it's depressing.

What is that supposed to mean?

Marshall, you got
pistol-whipped.

Once.

I'm sorry it happened,
and it's a shame,

but it happens to somebody new
every day,

and they move on
with their lives.

You complain!

I was assaulted!

A man came at me from behind
with a gun

and beat me, and then
stole all of my money!

That's what I mean.

It's always a new excuse

to not move out of your parents'
house, to not get a new job.

Marshall, don't you realize you
should be thanking me right now?

I took you on an adventure.

Do you think that these people
care about you?

I don't care.

You have nothing
to offer them, Sam!

You're just a mistress!

And if you had just come to me
and told me your feelings,

I would've listened to you,

and I would've told you
you were a fool.

But instead, you decided
to use and to lie to me.

And that's just sick
and disgusting!

I'm your best friend!

Oh.

And this, Sam.

You think this is really
gonna impress her?

Give that back.

You're young, you're poor,

and honestly,
you're a shitty writer.

Yeah?

(both grunting)

I used to look
up to you.

Marshall, you're a year
and a half older than me.

Shut up.

(sighs)

My God, Sam, what happened
to your face?

I fell down the stairs.

We should have the paramedics
take a look at you,

if they're still here.

Your nose looks crooked.

No, it's fine.

It's always been like that.

All right, come on.

(grunts)

All right.

Thanks.
So the gents are off

to the woods for the night.

It's a 200-year-old tradition
for the men in my family

to sleep under the stars
before a wedding.

Oh.
You should come.

Oh, no. That
sounds great.

I think I'm just gonna stay
here and hold down the fort.

Come on.

I'll let you
shoot my gun.

I'd love to shoot
your gun, trust me,

but I'm just gonna keep it
close, battle the elements here.

So Big Sam has
bravely offered to stay back

and look after our women.

Let's go, men.

MEN:
* Up spoke the captain
of our gallant ship *

* And a fine old man was he... *

SAM:
I'm pretty sure he doesn't even
think you're that funny,

which I happen to find to be
one of your best qualities.

The man also admitted to me
out loud that he hates reading.

And I know you think
I'm young and irrational,

and I am in some ways,
but at least I appreciate you

for your best qualities.

I-I made some terrible mistakes,
and I probably alienated

the majority of people
who were close to me,

but I did that
because I love you.

And that's what love is,
isn't it?

You could just give me a chance.

At least where we could
live together

for an extended period of time,
where I could make some money

and buy you things, and we could
develop hobbies together.

I could very easily spend
the rest of my life with you.

And I know you feel
the same way.

I could be the father
of your children.

I should be the father
of your children.

There should be half
of me in your children.

Who are you talking to, Sam?

It's 6:00
in the morning.

Oh.

I was talking to you.

How long were you, uh...

You want to go for a walk?

You want to marry me?

(seagulls caw)

ZOE:
I never had a chance
to thank Marshall

for saving Teddy's life.

Will you tell him for me
when you see him?

I don't think we'll be seeing
each other for quite a while.

Did I cause all this?

No.

I mean, yes.

Technically,
it's your fault.

But I think
I'm mostly to blame, you know.

I'm sorry I snapped at you
earlier on the beach.

I was just
a little emotional.

I'm sorry
for being so insensitive

about your brother
almost dying.

Did you and Whit
have a nice buggy ride?

Whit told me you used
to like dragonflies.

I never knew that
about you.

I loved them.

That was just a phase.

Everyone has phases.

I don't.

When I love something,
I stick with it.

I'm a very convicted person.
Hmm.

I don't just throw things away
whenever I lose interest.

That's a very
admirable trait, Sam.

You know, you don't have
to marry this guy, Zoe.

I'm too tall
for you, Sam.

I'm serious. Don't put
yourself through this.

You don't understand.

I don't... I want to.

I don't believe you.

If you wanted to, you
would've done it already.

There's a very
good rea...
I'm asking you,

You haven't even written
your vows yet.
please...

don't make this harder
than it already is!

Wh-Why do you want
to marry Whit?

Give me one good
reason-- I'll leave.

It's not that easy.

Well, it should be!

You used to tell me you didn't
even believe in marriage.

Things change.

People grow up.

I've grown up.
Oh, you've grown up?

Sneaking into my room in the
middle of the night barefoot?

You... Go ahead.

I'm going to ruin your wedding
in front of everyone, that's it.

How are you going
to do that?
I will tell Whit
every single thing

about us from the night
in the rain until the...

Whit knows.

What does that mean?

Whit knows.

He's always known.

(wry laugh)

H-How?

Because he's not an idiot.

Yeah, I don't, I don't...
I don't understand.

Why... why would he let me
stay here?

Because he loves me.

He trusts me.

Because you're not
a real threat, Sam.

I am in love with you,
and you love me!

And that's it!
This is love!

That's not love!

That is bullshit!

Right?

Answer me.

Answer me...

Are you in love with me,
or am I just dragonflies?

So that's it, then?

I'm just a phase?

I know all about you
tambourine player.

So you just love
everyone, huh?

You just flit around and love
everything without consequence?

Well, that's a
big problem, Zoe,

and Whit lets you
get away with it!

Shut up!

Shut up!

(panting)

How did you see this ending?

Quick, Sam.

Tell me your amazing plan.

What's our move?

Should I go upstairs
and pack a suitcase,

jump into your friend's station
wagon and run away with you

to a one-bedroom apartment?

I'm sure you can provide
for the little ones and me

with all the money you've made

from your wildly
successful children's stories.

Better yet, why don't we hop on
a whale together

and go live under the sea?

(sniffles)

I can see you really
thought this through.

I can't be your mermaid, Sam.

I'm too selfish.

You mean "shellfish."

(laughs)

(sniffles)

(sighs)

You're just a child.

* *

(birds singing)

(Whit talking indistinctly)

Really, really cool.

Oh, my God.

Film that.
Right there.

The saddest
boy alive.

(sighs heavily)

Sammy.

Teddy. (sniffles)

You're here?

I'm here.

(laughs)
That would have been bad.

(chuckling)

No, but I'm feeling
a lot better, man.

The doctor said, you
know, stay hydrated,

so that's what
I plan on doing.

Cheers.

How you doing?

It's the lowest point
of my life actually.

Oh, come on, pal.

It ain't that bad.

No, it's pretty bad.

Look, Sammy,

I know it's hard,
but you know,

from what I've heard,

it's important to
have perspective
in these moments

and just let it go, man.

Just let it...

You know?

You know, it's... it's easier
said than done, though.

Yeah, that's... hey.

Look, pally,
how old are you?

I'm 23 and a half.

23? Just a baby.

Look at it like this.

In a couple years, that
old sun's gonna burn out,

and we're gonna be dead.

And you're gonna
be what, 27?

(laughs)

Right?

Now what, man?

Teddy, you're being
very profound right now.

(sniffles)
Well, I'm sober.

You have a beer
in your hand.

Come on.

Give these to Marshall.

Tell that boy thanks for
saving my life, all right?

He has such little feet.

Yeah, but he's strong.

All right, Teddy,
I'll see ya.

Yeah, I'll see you, too.

(sighs)

Hey, Sammy.

Let's end this right, pal.

All right?

Come on, man.

The good guys sometimes win.

I don't know how
good I am, Teddy.

Yeah, but you're young.

And you're good, pally.

Actually, I really
needed that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

(clucks tongue)

(quietly):
Pow...

* Mm, mm, mm, mm *

* It's carbon and monoxide *

* The ol' Detroit perfume *

* It hangs on the highways
in the morning *

* And it lays you down by noon *

* Oh, Papa Hobo *

* You can see that I'm dressed
like a schoolboy *

* But I feel like a clown *

* It's a natural reaction *

* I learned
in this basketball town *

Oh, I forgot my vows.

Here, come on.
Let's go.

But there's nothing...

They're perfect, Zoe.
Come on, let's go.

* Sweep up *

* I been sweeping up the tips
I've made *

* I'm living on Gatorade *

* Planning my getaway *

* Detroit, Detroit *

* Got a hell of a hockey team *

* Got a left-handed way
of making a man *

* Sign up
on that automotive dream *

* Oh, yeah *

* Oh, yeah *

* Oh, Papa Papa Hobo *

* Could you slip me a ride? *

* Well, it's just after
breakfast, I'm in the road *

* And the weatherman lied *

* Ooh... ah... *

* La, be, do, be, da *

* Ba, ba, ba, ah, ah *

* Ba, ba, ba *

* Do... ooh... ooh... ooh *

* Ba, ba, ba, ba *

* Ba, ba, ba, ba. *

Hi. Uh, my name
is Marshall.

We met in the
closet earlier.

We've been making
eye contact all weekend.

You have a ladybug
in your hair.

Um, anyway,
I was just...

(panting)

(engine turns off)

(shivering)

Uh, thanks.

What happened back there?

I, um... asked the sad
maid for her phone number.

Did you really?

What did she say?

No.

It's her loss.

You find out why
she's so sad all the time?

No. She, uh... she didn't
speak English very well.

She's a real éponine,
isn't she?

Hey...

Look at me, buddy.

I'm really sorry that I haven't
called you back in a year.

I've been a bit
of an absentee best friend.

You're an asshole, Sam.

I know.

You've been a terrible
and a cruel friend to me.

And you said things
over these past few days

that I don't think
you can ever take back.

I know that.

(sighs)

And you've taken
a lot of my money.

Marshall...

I know.

And I'm sorry.

Just...

I don't think I've been
completely honest with myself.

Just a... joke.

(sniffles)

I think I'd like to start
seeing your therapist maybe.

I think that'd be
a really good idea.

By the way,
your hair looks fantastic.

Thank you.

So, uh, how'd it go
with Zoe?

Oh, I ruined her wedding.

MINISTER:
You've written vows?

Um... yes.

I...

* When I think of
all the good times *

* That I've wasted *

* Having good times *

* When I think of all the good
time that's been wasted *

* Having good times *

* When I was drinking *

* I should have been thinking *
It's all right, love.

* When I was fighting *

* I could have done
the right thing *

* All of that boozin' *

* I was really losin' *

* Good times *

* Good times. *

* Yep, here we all are *

* Having a jolly good time *

* And everything
is working out fine *

* Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha *

* Useless talkin' *

* All of that walkin' *

* All of my sinnin' *

* I could have been winnin' *

* I have it too easy *

* And it's a beginning
of good times *

* Good times *

* I said good times *

* Talking bout good times. *

* *

* *

* *

* *

* *

* *

* *

* *

* *