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1
00:00:01,738 --> 00:00:04,885
Kids, there's nothing more wonderful
than New York City in the winter
2
00:00:05,371 --> 00:00:07,052
... except the view of New York City
3
00:00:07,052 --> 00:00:08,835
in the winter
through your apartment window.
4
00:00:09,481 --> 00:00:10,813
In the winter of 2006,
5
00:00:10,963 --> 00:00:12,796
Marshall, Lily,
Robin and I were all deep
6
00:00:12,863 --> 00:00:14,429
in couple hibernation mode.
7
00:00:14,846 --> 00:00:17,180
Sadly, this left Uncle Barney
out in the cold.
8
00:00:17,496 --> 00:00:18,596
Okay.
9
00:00:18,613 --> 00:00:19,762
All-night rave,
10
00:00:19,763 --> 00:00:21,363
abandoned tire factory
in Newark.
11
00:00:21,630 --> 00:00:23,430
We're on the list. Who's in?
12
00:00:23,496 --> 00:00:25,296
-Nope.
-No.
13
00:00:27,237 --> 00:00:28,229
Private jet.
14
00:00:28,230 --> 00:00:29,531
Teeterboro Airport,
15
00:00:29,597 --> 00:00:31,164
skinny-skydiving.
Who's in?
16
00:00:31,230 --> 00:00:32,364
-Nope.
-No, thanks.
17
00:00:34,413 --> 00:00:35,680
One beer.
18
00:00:35,781 --> 00:00:36,914
Bar, downstairs,
19
00:00:37,128 --> 00:00:39,025
15 second walk. Who's in?
20
00:00:39,026 --> 00:00:40,219
Shh...
21
00:00:40,326 --> 00:00:42,360
(whispering):
Lily went sleepy-bye.
22
00:00:45,090 --> 00:00:45,892
It got so bad, Barney
23
00:00:45,893 --> 00:00:48,282
tried to be his own wingman.
Hi.
24
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:49,998
Have you met me?
25
00:00:52,282 --> 00:00:54,949
Finally, he decided
to bring in reinforcements.
26
00:00:55,015 --> 00:00:56,115
ALL:
No.
27
00:00:56,182 --> 00:00:58,915
Yes. And do you know why?
28
00:00:58,982 --> 00:01:02,216
Hang on to your bedsores,
grandparents from Willy Wonka,
29
00:01:02,582 --> 00:01:03,651
because guess who's
30
00:01:03,601 --> 00:01:05,668
on his way up
to this apartment right now?
31
00:01:05,691 --> 00:01:08,325
My... wait for it...
32
00:01:08,783 --> 00:01:11,149
brother, James. React.
33
00:01:11,215 --> 00:01:12,382
ALL:
Hey!
34
00:01:12,449 --> 00:01:13,349
You have a brother?
35
00:01:13,416 --> 00:01:15,216
Yeah. He's the "awesome-est,"
36
00:01:15,282 --> 00:01:16,482
most best "looking-est,"
37
00:01:16,549 --> 00:01:17,782
greatest guy ever.
38
00:01:18,148 --> 00:01:20,149
He's exactly like Barney.
39
00:01:20,215 --> 00:01:21,698
That's what I just said.
40
00:01:22,399 --> 00:01:24,683
Well, Barney and his brother
aren't exactly alike.
41
00:01:25,130 --> 00:01:26,130
James is gay.
42
00:01:26,681 --> 00:01:27,681
Really?
43
00:01:27,721 --> 00:01:28,551
I never in a million years
44
00:01:28,601 --> 00:01:31,160
would I picture you with a gay brother,
that's awesome.
45
00:01:31,161 --> 00:01:31,920
Yeah. I just wanted you
46
00:01:31,921 --> 00:01:33,486
to have a heads up,
so you don't
47
00:01:33,487 --> 00:01:34,888
act all surprised
when he gets here.
48
00:01:35,836 --> 00:01:36,853
Okay. Here he is.
49
00:01:39,421 --> 00:01:41,421
What up, New York.
50
00:01:43,985 --> 00:01:45,334
Thanks for the heads up.
51
00:01:47,000 --> 00:01:53,074
Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today
52
00:02:01,203 --> 00:02:02,818
we did it never come up
53
00:02:02,818 --> 00:02:04,785
that Barney has a gay, black brother?
54
00:02:05,629 --> 00:02:06,752
Is he black?
55
00:02:07,132 --> 00:02:08,385
I guess I'm the kind
of person that focuses
56
00:02:08,435 --> 00:02:09,570
on who people are
on the inside
57
00:02:09,620 --> 00:02:11,820
rather than the color
of their skin.
58
00:02:12,186 --> 00:02:14,453
I'm kidding, I just
wanted to see your face.
59
00:02:15,453 --> 00:02:17,186
Yeah, so now the
wedding's back on.
60
00:02:17,253 --> 00:02:18,787
Anyway, James,
how have you been?
61
00:02:18,854 --> 00:02:20,420
Awesome, as per "yoozh."
62
00:02:20,487 --> 00:02:21,987
I just went
skinny-skydiving.
63
00:02:22,153 --> 00:02:23,186
Legendary.
64
00:02:23,453 --> 00:02:24,587
And my laser tag team,
65
00:02:24,654 --> 00:02:26,021
just made it to
regional finals.
66
00:02:26,137 --> 00:02:27,637
"Legendarier."
67
00:02:27,954 --> 00:02:29,069
And by now you've
68
00:02:29,070 --> 00:02:31,104
noticed the suit--
go 'head, touch it.
69
00:02:31,171 --> 00:02:33,436
Handcrafted
by Pietro Dellacamera,
70
00:02:34,144 --> 00:02:37,835
Milan's famous 101-year-old tailor
71
00:02:37,885 --> 00:02:41,079
who upon completing
the very last stitch in this suit
72
00:02:41,079 --> 00:02:42,161
dropped dead,
73
00:02:42,161 --> 00:02:45,838
which is ironic because that is how
gorgeous look in it. C'mon.
74
00:02:51,291 --> 00:02:52,509
Gimme five.
75
00:02:52,825 --> 00:02:54,492
Is "gimme five" back?
Oh, yeah.
76
00:02:54,558 --> 00:02:56,342
I put it in my
blog this morning.
77
00:02:56,659 --> 00:02:58,842
Guys, "gimme five" is back!
78
00:02:59,109 --> 00:03:01,291
-Oh, James, this is my girlfriend, Robin.
-Hey.
79
00:03:01,558 --> 00:03:03,366
-It's so nice to meet you.
-You, too.
80
00:03:03,367 --> 00:03:05,967
So, I have to ask,
there's a story here.
81
00:03:07,160 --> 00:03:08,175
BOTH (snickering):
Please.
82
00:03:08,757 --> 00:03:11,166
The truth is, Barney and James
got a lot of...
83
00:03:11,266 --> 00:03:13,643
different explanations
from their mom over the years.
84
00:03:13,643 --> 00:03:15,699
Well, boys, you look different
85
00:03:15,759 --> 00:03:17,742
because when I was
pregnant with you,
86
00:03:17,759 --> 00:03:19,826
I only ate
vanilla ice cream.
87
00:03:19,943 --> 00:03:21,876
And when I was
pregnant with you,
88
00:03:21,943 --> 00:03:23,976
can you guess what kind
of ice cream I ate?
89
00:03:24,043 --> 00:03:26,310
Coffee?
No, James,
90
00:03:26,375 --> 00:03:28,475
I ate chocolate ice cream.
91
00:03:28,542 --> 00:03:30,509
But I did drink tons of coffee
92
00:03:30,576 --> 00:03:32,009
when I was pregnant
with both of you.
93
00:03:32,398 --> 00:03:34,098
Can't smoke without my coffee.
94
00:03:35,243 --> 00:03:38,909
I don't know, boys, I guess
it's just one of those things.
95
00:03:40,109 --> 00:03:41,642
Stop asking me!
96
00:03:41,709 --> 00:03:42,876
You know what
you two are?
97
00:03:42,943 --> 00:03:44,443
You're little racists!
98
00:03:44,909 --> 00:03:46,409
So what are you guys
gonna do tonight?
99
00:03:46,676 --> 00:03:48,076
I'll tell you
what James is gonna do.
100
00:03:48,143 --> 00:03:50,143
He's gonna do the job
you've been neglecting.
101
00:03:50,210 --> 00:03:51,909
And, as always,
he'll do it
102
00:03:51,976 --> 00:03:53,542
a lot better
than you ever did.
103
00:03:54,138 --> 00:03:54,921
Ted...
104
00:03:55,409 --> 00:03:58,109
James is my wingman now.
105
00:03:58,975 --> 00:04:00,042
Okay.
106
00:04:01,109 --> 00:04:02,626
Last time James was in town,
107
00:04:02,743 --> 00:04:04,622
Barney got slapped once,
108
00:04:04,632 --> 00:04:06,200
lucky twice, and...
109
00:04:06,265 --> 00:04:07,999
whose penthouse hot tub
did you end up in?
110
00:04:08,066 --> 00:04:10,100
Ah, public figure,
confidentiality agreement.
111
00:04:10,166 --> 00:04:11,365
But I will say this:
112
00:04:11,942 --> 00:04:13,842
way more back hair than any guy
113
00:04:14,009 --> 00:04:16,076
who can afford laser hair
removal should have.
114
00:04:16,762 --> 00:04:18,180
And then there was the time they..
115
00:04:18,280 --> 00:04:20,650
scored the brother/sister combo.
116
00:04:20,842 --> 00:04:22,881
It was everything we ever dreamed
of when watching
117
00:04:22,931 --> 00:04:24,164
Donnie and Marie.
118
00:04:24,304 --> 00:04:26,120
She was a little bit country.
119
00:04:26,120 --> 00:04:28,738
He was a little bit
way into black guys.
120
00:04:28,954 --> 00:04:32,254
Yeah, Barney and James together
was a lethal combination.
121
00:04:32,321 --> 00:04:34,753
Since there was never
any crossover in targets,
122
00:04:34,820 --> 00:04:37,454
James was always there
for Barney with the assist.
123
00:04:41,353 --> 00:04:42,621
(mimics skidding):
Whoa.
124
00:04:43,036 --> 00:04:44,237
Your scarf...
125
00:04:44,478 --> 00:04:46,094
it is fierce!
126
00:04:46,486 --> 00:04:47,954
Thanks. H & M.
127
00:04:48,020 --> 00:04:49,353
What? I would never know,
128
00:04:49,420 --> 00:04:51,987
'cause it is so hot
that my eyes are melting.
129
00:04:52,154 --> 00:04:53,737
Oh, I can't see.
130
00:04:54,054 --> 00:04:56,353
Hey! You know,
speaking of things
131
00:04:56,461 --> 00:04:58,031
that would look good
wrapped around you,
132
00:04:58,271 --> 00:05:00,536
have you met my straight
brother, Barney?
133
00:05:00,650 --> 00:05:02,929
Oh, he is fab--
don't you go nowhere--
134
00:05:02,979 --> 00:05:04,579
"ulous." Okay?
135
00:05:05,438 --> 00:05:07,138
And Barney always returned
the favor.
136
00:05:07,838 --> 00:05:09,271
Help, I don't think
he's breathing.
137
00:05:09,288 --> 00:05:10,655
Does anyone know
mouth-to-mouth?
138
00:05:10,921 --> 00:05:12,222
Oh, my God, I do!
139
00:05:13,271 --> 00:05:15,205
Okay, great. How
'bout you instead?
140
00:05:16,705 --> 00:05:18,771
Oh, man, I am so
excited that you're here!
141
00:05:18,838 --> 00:05:20,604
It has been forever
since I have been around
142
00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:22,454
anyone even remotely fun.
143
00:05:22,621 --> 00:05:24,172
Uh, yes offense.
144
00:05:25,725 --> 00:05:27,055
You guys are still going out
with us tonight, right?
145
00:05:27,072 --> 00:05:27,938
No.
146
00:05:28,005 --> 00:05:28,971
Jammies.
I don't think so.
147
00:05:29,038 --> 00:05:30,712
Tonight? It's after 9:00, and...
148
00:05:31,475 --> 00:05:33,455
I have warm soup belly.
149
00:05:33,477 --> 00:05:35,910
Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Guys...
150
00:05:36,271 --> 00:05:39,371
you are young,
attractive people here
151
00:05:39,438 --> 00:05:41,304
in the greatest city on earth.
152
00:05:41,371 --> 00:05:43,038
There are boys and girls
153
00:05:43,105 --> 00:05:45,638
in Nobody Cares, Wyoming,
wishing they could be here.
154
00:05:45,705 --> 00:05:47,638
But instead, they are
in someone's basement
155
00:05:47,705 --> 00:05:49,638
drinking bad malt liquor,
debating
156
00:05:49,705 --> 00:05:51,838
whether or not they're going
to spend their Saturday night
157
00:05:51,905 --> 00:05:53,304
in the parking lot
of the feed store
158
00:05:53,371 --> 00:05:55,271
or in some other dude's
basement.
159
00:05:55,741 --> 00:05:57,038
You owe it to them
160
00:05:57,088 --> 00:05:59,654
to rise up and shimmy
your lazy asses
161
00:05:59,721 --> 00:06:01,587
into something hot,
and you go out there
162
00:06:01,654 --> 00:06:03,520
and you live their dream!
163
00:06:03,587 --> 00:06:04,654
Can I get a "hell, yeah"?
164
00:06:04,721 --> 00:06:06,120
Hell, yeah!
Hell, yeah!
165
00:06:06,187 --> 00:06:07,787
-Can I get a "hell, yeah"?
-Hell, yeah!
166
00:06:07,854 --> 00:06:09,920
-Can I get a "woo-woo"?
-Woo-woo!
167
00:06:09,921 --> 00:06:10,921
Go do it for Wyoming!
168
00:06:10,988 --> 00:06:12,554
(excited screams)
Yes!
169
00:06:13,221 --> 00:06:14,704
Testify!
170
00:06:15,755 --> 00:06:17,519
So that night,
Barney got his wish.
171
00:06:18,020 --> 00:06:18,837
We all went out.
172
00:06:18,854 --> 00:06:20,488
Daddy's home!
173
00:06:21,054 --> 00:06:22,054
Yeah.
174
00:06:24,787 --> 00:06:26,320
All right, bro.
What do you like?
175
00:06:26,387 --> 00:06:28,454
Guy in super
tight black T?
176
00:06:28,520 --> 00:06:30,253
Super tight black guy?
177
00:06:30,320 --> 00:06:31,754
Guy who looks like Mr. T?
178
00:06:31,821 --> 00:06:33,187
Mmm, yes, yes, and...
179
00:06:33,253 --> 00:06:35,320
talk to me
after two martinis.
180
00:06:35,387 --> 00:06:37,120
Let's focus on you, my man.
181
00:06:37,637 --> 00:06:39,054
I'm feeling lazy.
182
00:06:39,270 --> 00:06:40,988
How about girl with
the chocolatini?
183
00:06:41,054 --> 00:06:43,520
Oh... boom, back tattoo.
184
00:06:44,387 --> 00:06:46,153
Hero and the pig?
Let's ride.
185
00:06:46,220 --> 00:06:47,520
Fo' 'sho.
186
00:06:49,721 --> 00:06:52,337
Damn baby,
nice tramp stamp!
187
00:06:52,754 --> 00:06:53,988
Get off me, you pig!
188
00:06:54,054 --> 00:06:55,287
Hey! Her body art
189
00:06:55,354 --> 00:06:56,721
is not an invitation
to grope her,
190
00:06:56,787 --> 00:06:58,721
it's an expression
of her inner self.
191
00:06:58,787 --> 00:07:00,220
I'm sure, in many ways, she is
192
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,253
the dolphin encircled
by flowers.
193
00:07:03,120 --> 00:07:04,454
What? What?
What? What?
194
00:07:04,520 --> 00:07:06,120
Cool.
195
00:07:08,621 --> 00:07:10,554
-Let me know if he bothers you again.
-Thanks.
196
00:07:10,571 --> 00:07:12,120
You should stay close...
197
00:07:12,483 --> 00:07:13,487
just in case.
198
00:07:13,554 --> 00:07:15,821
Sure. If it'll make
you feel safer.
199
00:07:17,002 --> 00:07:17,939
I'm Barney.
200
00:07:18,613 --> 00:07:21,519
Now, kids, when you're out
at a noisy, crowded bar,
201
00:07:21,734 --> 00:07:24,001
you can always tell
the difference between the singles
202
00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:26,007
and the couples.
203
00:07:26,095 --> 00:07:27,694
You just have to look
for the signs.
204
00:07:29,236 --> 00:07:30,054
Break.
Boiling hot.
205
00:07:30,074 --> 00:07:32,257
Singles stay on their feet
for maneuverability.
206
00:07:32,307 --> 00:07:33,708
Hey!
Hi, how are ya?
207
00:07:33,775 --> 00:07:36,174
BOTH:
Have you met my brother?
208
00:07:37,274 --> 00:07:39,574
Oh, hello.
Have a drink.
209
00:07:39,641 --> 00:07:41,042
Nice to meet ya.
210
00:07:43,841 --> 00:07:46,780
Couples, exhausted by the sheer act
of leaving the house,
211
00:07:46,780 --> 00:07:49,094
are obsessed with finding
a place to sit down.
212
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:52,262
There are a lot of other
indicators, too.
213
00:07:52,813 --> 00:07:54,630
From choice
of social lubricant...
214
00:07:54,797 --> 00:07:55,996
Woo!
Wow!
215
00:07:56,513 --> 00:07:58,313
...to basic body language.
216
00:07:58,880 --> 00:07:59,894
But the point is,
217
00:07:59,991 --> 00:08:03,130
there are many ways to tell
whether someone has Single Stamina
218
00:08:03,347 --> 00:08:04,613
or Couples Coma.
219
00:08:04,663 --> 00:08:06,263
I wish I would've worn sneakers.
220
00:08:06,468 --> 00:08:09,271
I just got finished running
from some fat, hairy guy
221
00:08:09,321 --> 00:08:11,565
who was periscoping
out of his pleather pants.
222
00:08:11,734 --> 00:08:14,061
Permission
to come aboard denied.
223
00:08:14,641 --> 00:08:16,057
I miss my jammies.
224
00:08:16,282 --> 00:08:18,434
I can't believe I
wore a bra for this.
225
00:08:18,484 --> 00:08:21,417
Bras suck. They're so
confining and unnatural.
226
00:08:21,484 --> 00:08:23,085
Yeah, they're like
a boobie zoo.
227
00:08:24,086 --> 00:08:25,344
Well, why don't you take it off then
228
00:08:25,394 --> 00:08:26,271
and let those puppies breathe?
229
00:08:26,271 --> 00:08:28,354
Oh, please go sweat
on someone else.
230
00:08:29,514 --> 00:08:30,329
Poor guy.
231
00:08:31,048 --> 00:08:32,614
Poor guy?
Poor my boobs.
232
00:08:32,681 --> 00:08:34,614
Well, it takes a lot
of guts to approach
233
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,147
a girl and you
just crushed him.
234
00:08:36,514 --> 00:08:39,381
Oh, yeah, yeah. He looks
all broken up inside.
235
00:08:40,215 --> 00:08:43,145
Whatever, you guys have no idea
what it's like to be on the receiving end.
236
00:08:43,195 --> 00:08:45,295
"Oh, poor me.
237
00:08:45,345 --> 00:08:46,741
I'm a pretty girl and
238
00:08:46,791 --> 00:08:48,557
everybody everywhere
wants to buy me
239
00:08:48,581 --> 00:08:49,881
drinks and have
sex with me."
240
00:08:50,048 --> 00:08:51,347
Waa.
241
00:08:51,414 --> 00:08:54,115
"Oh, poor me. I get
to order yummy, pink drinks
242
00:08:54,182 --> 00:08:56,182
"with chunks of real fruit
that guys secretly like,
243
00:08:56,248 --> 00:08:57,815
but can't order because
they'll be made fun of."
244
00:08:57,881 --> 00:08:59,982
Dude.
They're delicious!
245
00:09:00,347 --> 00:09:02,848
Excuse me. Join me in a shot?
246
00:09:02,915 --> 00:09:04,648
Oh, no thanks. I've had enough.
247
00:09:08,881 --> 00:09:09,670
He's too in shape,
248
00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:12,732
we'd spend all night talking about
his body fat content.
249
00:09:13,448 --> 00:09:16,081
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go have
250
00:09:16,447 --> 00:09:18,414
a yummy, pink drink
with fruit in it...
251
00:09:18,481 --> 00:09:19,714
because I can.
252
00:09:21,872 --> 00:09:23,881
You know, that was,
like, the third hot guy
253
00:09:23,948 --> 00:09:25,314
that James
blew off tonight.
254
00:09:25,481 --> 00:09:27,282
Yeah, he's turning
down shots,
255
00:09:27,347 --> 00:09:29,431
he's yawning, he's
whining about his feet.
256
00:09:29,748 --> 00:09:31,014
He's as bad as we are.
257
00:09:31,381 --> 00:09:32,414
He is.
258
00:09:32,481 --> 00:09:34,015
Wait, he's exactly
as bad as we are.
259
00:09:34,081 --> 00:09:35,763
You guys don't think
that James is...
260
00:09:36,399 --> 00:09:37,527
in a relationship?
261
00:09:37,548 --> 00:09:40,114
No. There's no way.
He's Barney's brother.
262
00:09:40,381 --> 00:09:41,448
Look at that.
263
00:09:42,964 --> 00:09:44,875
He's texting!
(all gasping)
264
00:09:45,706 --> 00:09:46,852
TED:
Oh, my God!
265
00:09:47,347 --> 00:09:48,681
He is in a couple.
266
00:09:48,748 --> 00:09:50,614
This is gonna kill Barney.
267
00:09:50,681 --> 00:09:51,881
What's gonna kill me?
268
00:09:52,781 --> 00:09:53,998
What's going on?
269
00:09:54,614 --> 00:09:55,898
B-Barney?
270
00:09:57,098 --> 00:09:58,513
Have you noticed anything...
271
00:09:58,514 --> 00:10:00,414
different about James?
272
00:10:00,481 --> 00:10:01,665
No.
273
00:10:01,669 --> 00:10:04,584
I mean, he's glowing from his
peel, if that's what you mean.
274
00:10:06,475 --> 00:10:08,642
We have reason
to believe that James is,
275
00:10:08,748 --> 00:10:10,581
uh, maybe hiding
something from you.
276
00:10:10,648 --> 00:10:12,714
I-I know you're not gonna
like hearing this, but...
277
00:10:12,781 --> 00:10:13,748
Barney...
278
00:10:14,614 --> 00:10:16,514
your brother is...
279
00:10:17,381 --> 00:10:19,048
(whispering):
monogamous.
280
00:10:20,503 --> 00:10:22,387
That's ridiculous!
281
00:10:22,731 --> 00:10:24,697
Just because
he's a little sleepy,
282
00:10:25,048 --> 00:10:26,081
and he hasn't had sex
283
00:10:26,148 --> 00:10:28,348
with anyone
in a bathroom stall...
284
00:10:28,915 --> 00:10:29,914
Huh.
285
00:10:30,181 --> 00:10:33,548
He hasn't had sex with anyone
in a bathroom stall.
286
00:10:33,614 --> 00:10:35,581
And, Barney...
287
00:10:36,183 --> 00:10:37,121
I hate to be the one
288
00:10:37,171 --> 00:10:41,006
to tell you this,
but... he's texting.
289
00:10:41,203 --> 00:10:42,216
No, he...
290
00:10:42,266 --> 00:10:43,104
No!
291
00:10:45,338 --> 00:10:46,238
That...
292
00:10:46,405 --> 00:10:48,138
is impossible.
293
00:10:51,385 --> 00:10:54,764
Excuse... Ex...
294
00:10:55,742 --> 00:10:56,641
Hey, bro.
295
00:10:56,642 --> 00:10:58,149
Don't change the subject.
296
00:10:58,269 --> 00:10:59,552
Let me see your phone.
297
00:10:59,709 --> 00:11:00,237
Why?
298
00:11:00,238 --> 00:11:01,328
I just want to
see your phone.
299
00:11:01,378 --> 00:11:02,097
Let me see your phone.
300
00:11:02,147 --> 00:11:04,040
No, it's just a phone.
It's just a phone!
301
00:11:04,090 --> 00:11:06,842
And it's got Internet access,
and it's got a camera on it,
302
00:11:06,909 --> 00:11:08,151
and you can surf the Web
and do the whole thing.
303
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:10,379
It's so amazing how far
technology has come.
304
00:11:10,542 --> 00:11:11,909
What kind of phone
do you have?
305
00:11:11,976 --> 00:11:13,575
I got...
306
00:11:18,042 --> 00:11:18,909
Who is this?
307
00:11:19,159 --> 00:11:21,943
And the answer better be:
"I don't remember his name."
308
00:11:24,052 --> 00:11:25,681
That is Tom.
309
00:11:26,976 --> 00:11:28,607
He is my fiancee.
310
00:11:39,010 --> 00:11:40,392
I don't support this.
311
00:11:40,810 --> 00:11:41,854
Gay marriage?
312
00:11:41,910 --> 00:11:44,343
Not gay marriage-- marriage!
313
00:11:44,410 --> 00:11:45,343
(shivers)
314
00:11:45,410 --> 00:11:47,044
How can you do this?
315
00:11:47,111 --> 00:11:49,888
We were raised in the same
house, with the same values!
316
00:11:50,446 --> 00:11:51,133
Believe me,
317
00:11:51,183 --> 00:11:53,176
I fought this for a long time.
318
00:11:53,443 --> 00:11:54,977
Come on, it's embarrassing.
319
00:11:56,027 --> 00:11:56,768
Look,
320
00:11:57,053 --> 00:11:58,990
this felt unnatural
to me, too, at first.
321
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,957
But I fell in love.
322
00:12:01,608 --> 00:12:04,036
And Tom and I realized
you can't fight love.
323
00:12:04,077 --> 00:12:05,310
Oh, God.
324
00:12:05,376 --> 00:12:06,810
Is that what
you two do together?
325
00:12:06,877 --> 00:12:09,111
You sit around the house
and talk about love?
326
00:12:09,177 --> 00:12:10,911
I think... (groans)
I'm gonna be sick.
327
00:12:11,377 --> 00:12:13,044
Okay, okay, look,
328
00:12:13,111 --> 00:12:15,111
I need you to wrap your head
around this, okay?
329
00:12:15,177 --> 00:12:16,510
Because it is happening.
330
00:12:17,610 --> 00:12:19,544
And I want you
to be my best man.
331
00:12:19,810 --> 00:12:20,711
What?
332
00:12:21,176 --> 00:12:22,243
No way.
333
00:12:27,397 --> 00:12:29,308
Well, I'm sorry
you feel that way.
334
00:12:33,910 --> 00:12:35,910
I hope you
change your mind.
335
00:12:41,376 --> 00:12:42,376
Two beers, one shot.
336
00:12:42,443 --> 00:12:44,844
Oh, it's a freaking epidemic.
337
00:12:46,744 --> 00:12:47,927
(giggling)
338
00:12:49,044 --> 00:12:51,665
Oh, sweetie!
Did you make that for me?
339
00:12:53,771 --> 00:12:54,771
Yes.
340
00:12:57,085 --> 00:12:57,748
Clam Bake.
341
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,443
Staten Island. Who's in?
342
00:13:00,759 --> 00:13:02,783
Okay, I didn't have
high hopes for that one.
343
00:13:03,574 --> 00:13:05,026
Okay, here's my thing.
344
00:13:05,077 --> 00:13:06,577
If gay guys
start getting married,
345
00:13:06,944 --> 00:13:08,777
then suddenly the whole world's
gonna be doing it.
346
00:13:08,844 --> 00:13:09,965
That's how it works.
347
00:13:09,965 --> 00:13:11,431
They start something,
then six months later,
348
00:13:11,677 --> 00:13:12,910
everyone follows.
349
00:13:13,463 --> 00:13:15,829
Like now everyone
gets manicures.
350
00:13:15,968 --> 00:13:17,189
I don't get manicures.
351
00:13:17,243 --> 00:13:19,044
Okay, then like how...
352
00:13:19,111 --> 00:13:20,610
Like getting your chest waxed.
353
00:13:20,677 --> 00:13:22,010
(gasps):
You get your chest waxed?
354
00:13:22,077 --> 00:13:23,443
You know what I mean!
355
00:13:24,410 --> 00:13:26,177
Gay marriage is going to cause
356
00:13:26,243 --> 00:13:28,577
single life, as we know it,
to die out.
357
00:13:29,132 --> 00:13:32,061
Think of how the American family
will be strengthened.
358
00:13:32,276 --> 00:13:33,864
Barney, I'm sorry you're upset,
359
00:13:33,914 --> 00:13:35,680
but you got to suck it up
and be a man about this.
360
00:13:35,944 --> 00:13:36,911
No.
361
00:13:37,030 --> 00:13:39,399
It's always been
me and him together,
362
00:13:39,449 --> 00:13:43,083
being awesome, while the rest
of you walked two-by-two
363
00:13:43,177 --> 00:13:45,211
onto your ark
of sexless boredom.
364
00:13:46,110 --> 00:13:47,734
Just because
James is getting married
365
00:13:47,777 --> 00:13:49,276
doesn't mean things
are going to change.
366
00:13:49,743 --> 00:13:50,411
Yeah.
367
00:13:50,412 --> 00:13:52,245
Like things haven't changed
with you people.
368
00:13:54,111 --> 00:13:56,044
Look, my sister married
a guy I didn't like.
369
00:13:56,111 --> 00:13:58,577
Sandals and socks--
come on, buddy.
370
00:13:58,643 --> 00:14:00,894
But I took her out,
we celebrated.
371
00:14:00,910 --> 00:14:02,226
It was the right
thing to do.
372
00:14:02,243 --> 00:14:03,477
You got to support him.
373
00:14:05,910 --> 00:14:07,394
You're right, Ted.
374
00:14:07,910 --> 00:14:10,110
This is a cause for celebration.
375
00:14:10,577 --> 00:14:13,891
We need to take him out
and celebrate the commitment
376
00:14:13,941 --> 00:14:15,975
he and Tom are about to make.
377
00:14:16,177 --> 00:14:17,777
(dance music playing)
378
00:14:18,744 --> 00:14:19,777
Yeah.
379
00:14:19,844 --> 00:14:21,677
This is where we're
celebrating the commitment
380
00:14:21,744 --> 00:14:23,310
that Tom and I
are about to make?
381
00:14:23,376 --> 00:14:24,610
What? Yeah!
382
00:14:24,977 --> 00:14:27,643
See, that cage represents
your commitment.
383
00:14:31,276 --> 00:14:32,576
(giggling)
384
00:14:33,443 --> 00:14:34,457
Oh, my God.
385
00:14:34,507 --> 00:14:37,080
Freedom has never tasted
so delicious.
386
00:14:37,366 --> 00:14:38,342
Hey.
387
00:14:38,604 --> 00:14:39,625
You work out?
388
00:14:40,240 --> 00:14:41,510
I do.
389
00:14:41,577 --> 00:14:43,176
And thank you for noticing.
390
00:14:43,177 --> 00:14:44,177
You're obviously
391
00:14:44,243 --> 00:14:45,543
in very good shape yourself.
392
00:14:45,610 --> 00:14:46,761
Well, I try.
393
00:14:47,276 --> 00:14:48,376
So you want to dance?
394
00:14:49,384 --> 00:14:51,563
You know what? I'm very flattered,
and objectively,
395
00:14:51,613 --> 00:14:54,509
you're a very attractive man,
but this is actually my ???
396
00:14:54,510 --> 00:14:55,877
I'm sorry.
397
00:14:55,944 --> 00:14:57,543
You know, I saw
your drink and I...
398
00:14:57,610 --> 00:14:59,077
No, no,
this isn't my drink.
399
00:14:59,144 --> 00:15:00,477
This is hers.
400
00:15:00,543 --> 00:15:02,610
No, it isn't.
401
00:15:02,677 --> 00:15:03,810
Whatever.
402
00:15:03,877 --> 00:15:04,910
How 'bout you?
403
00:15:04,977 --> 00:15:07,010
Oh, I'm straight, too.
404
00:15:07,077 --> 00:15:08,910
But I thank you
for your time,
405
00:15:08,977 --> 00:15:11,610
and I appreciate
your interest in my body.
406
00:15:13,893 --> 00:15:14,744
You see that?
407
00:15:14,810 --> 00:15:17,111
Being hit on doesn't
have to be terrible.
408
00:15:17,127 --> 00:15:20,094
I feel flattered, and everyone
left with their dignity.
409
00:15:20,211 --> 00:15:22,477
(giggling)
410
00:15:22,543 --> 00:15:24,410
Hey, I really
like your sweater.
411
00:15:24,477 --> 00:15:25,177
Wow.
412
00:15:25,343 --> 00:15:26,977
You actually do, don't you?
413
00:15:27,044 --> 00:15:28,010
You're not checking out
414
00:15:28,077 --> 00:15:29,577
my boobs or anything.
415
00:15:29,643 --> 00:15:31,643
My name's Gay Ken,
what do you think?
416
00:15:32,137 --> 00:15:33,510
I love this place!
417
00:15:33,625 --> 00:15:35,302
Let's dance!
And not be groped!
418
00:15:35,343 --> 00:15:37,376
Whoo! Thank you.
419
00:15:39,877 --> 00:15:40,810
Damn.
420
00:15:40,877 --> 00:15:42,193
Thank you!
421
00:15:43,510 --> 00:15:45,343
We're hot totally.
422
00:15:45,410 --> 00:15:46,577
(James laughing)
423
00:15:46,643 --> 00:15:48,324
And then Tom says
to the dealer
424
00:15:48,374 --> 00:15:52,289
that the handmade Georgian clock
has a chip on the corner.
425
00:15:52,339 --> 00:15:54,326
Blam, we get
that puppy half price.
426
00:15:54,376 --> 00:15:55,443
What up?!
427
00:15:55,510 --> 00:15:56,643
Bam!
(laughing)
428
00:15:57,836 --> 00:16:01,437
Sounds like you really rocked
that arts and crafts fair.
429
00:16:01,487 --> 00:16:02,743
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
430
00:16:02,744 --> 00:16:04,149
Hey, oh, my God.
431
00:16:04,150 --> 00:16:07,671
Thisis so liberating, being
able to talk about this to you.
432
00:16:07,957 --> 00:16:09,482
I cannot wait
for you to meet Tom.
433
00:16:09,562 --> 00:16:12,006
And I cannot wait for you
to meet my good friend...
434
00:16:12,161 --> 00:16:13,168
this guy.
435
00:16:13,944 --> 00:16:16,144
Excuse me, do you know anyone
who would like to buy
436
00:16:16,211 --> 00:16:18,944
my incredibly muscular, fun,
large-handed brother a drink?
437
00:16:19,010 --> 00:16:21,643
Eh, eh, eh, let's focus
on you, Barnaby.
438
00:16:21,710 --> 00:16:23,576
Okay.
(imitating radar beeping)
439
00:16:24,343 --> 00:16:24,917
All right.
440
00:16:24,918 --> 00:16:28,002
I spy a group of women who have
let their defenses down
441
00:16:28,027 --> 00:16:29,360
because they are
in a gay club.
442
00:16:29,977 --> 00:16:31,177
You see that chick
right there?
443
00:16:31,744 --> 00:16:33,276
She looks like
she'd fall for
444
00:16:33,343 --> 00:16:34,594
sports agent
and football player.
445
00:16:35,010 --> 00:16:36,177
Okay, I'm in.
446
00:16:36,243 --> 00:16:37,177
Which one am I?
447
00:16:37,243 --> 00:16:38,076
(laughing)
448
00:16:38,243 --> 00:16:39,243
Please.
449
00:16:41,343 --> 00:16:42,410
He's very shy,
450
00:16:42,427 --> 00:16:43,660
loves tennis and Brazil,
451
00:16:43,677 --> 00:16:45,011
and drops his pants
after three dirty martinis.
452
00:16:45,177 --> 00:16:46,177
Now go, man, go!
453
00:16:51,944 --> 00:16:55,110
I just never thought I'd
see Barney so vulnerable.
454
00:16:55,111 --> 00:16:56,777
Well, I guess no one
wants to feel like
455
00:16:56,794 --> 00:16:57,694
they're going through
the world alone.
456
00:16:58,010 --> 00:17:00,443
Look at me, in a yummy sandwich!
457
00:17:00,610 --> 00:17:02,610
Okay, we're actually
right in the middle
458
00:17:02,677 --> 00:17:03,810
of something
right now, so...
459
00:17:03,877 --> 00:17:06,493
Ooh, I know what I want to be
in the middle of. Thoughts?
460
00:17:06,933 --> 00:17:08,242
God, can't two straight guys
461
00:17:08,243 --> 00:17:10,044
come to a gay dance club,
enjoy some techno
462
00:17:10,061 --> 00:17:11,810
and good conversation
without being bothered?
463
00:17:15,814 --> 00:17:17,010
How's it going, guys?
464
00:17:17,027 --> 00:17:18,665
Still enjoying
the attentions of men?
465
00:17:18,715 --> 00:17:21,542
That's like the eighth guy
who's hit on us in ten minutes.
466
00:17:21,592 --> 00:17:23,592
It's like, hello,
my eyes are up here.
467
00:17:24,050 --> 00:17:25,320
And it's never the hot ones.
468
00:17:25,470 --> 00:17:27,459
It's always the losers.
Bums me out!
469
00:17:28,300 --> 00:17:30,260
Looks like the boys
learned their lesson.
470
00:17:30,349 --> 00:17:31,816
Do you totally miss
being hit on?
471
00:17:31,816 --> 00:17:33,587
Oh, totally.
Let's go find a sports bar.
472
00:17:35,549 --> 00:17:38,149
James, James, since you like
arts and crafts,
473
00:17:38,216 --> 00:17:39,716
look at what
Charles here made
474
00:17:39,783 --> 00:17:41,117
with cherry stems.
475
00:17:42,117 --> 00:17:43,377
He did it with his tongue.
476
00:17:43,682 --> 00:17:44,607
Yeah.
477
00:17:44,682 --> 00:17:45,449
Barney.
478
00:17:45,515 --> 00:17:46,698
So, Charles,
479
00:17:46,748 --> 00:17:48,727
why don't you put your number
in my brother's phone,
480
00:17:48,777 --> 00:17:49,990
and once he's in
a funner mood...
481
00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:51,507
Barney, Barney, I
don't want his number.
482
00:17:51,573 --> 00:17:54,240
I don't want anyone's
number, okay?
483
00:17:54,869 --> 00:17:55,970
I'm getting married.
484
00:17:56,568 --> 00:17:57,568
Wow.
485
00:17:58,037 --> 00:17:58,961
Best of luck to you both.
486
00:17:59,011 --> 00:17:59,762
Thank you.
487
00:17:59,978 --> 00:18:01,244
My number's in here.
488
00:18:01,928 --> 00:18:03,268
I'm very discreet.
489
00:18:04,845 --> 00:18:06,228
Okay, okay,
excuse me.
490
00:18:06,645 --> 00:18:07,944
Barney, family talk.
491
00:18:08,411 --> 00:18:10,346
Okay, dude, you have
got to stop this, okay?
492
00:18:10,356 --> 00:18:13,311
I know that my getting married is
threatening to your way of life...
493
00:18:13,311 --> 00:18:14,628
Oh, so now it's
my way of life?
494
00:18:14,745 --> 00:18:16,894
I thought it was
our way of life.
495
00:18:17,311 --> 00:18:19,045
You've completely
turned your back on it.
496
00:18:19,112 --> 00:18:20,945
Look at you,
not even suited up.
497
00:18:21,011 --> 00:18:23,011
Do you remember why
we suit up, James?
498
00:18:23,078 --> 00:18:24,261
To get laid.
499
00:18:24,544 --> 00:18:26,550
To show people
that we are different
500
00:18:26,600 --> 00:18:29,857
from the millions of T-shirt
and jeans lemmings out there.
501
00:18:30,122 --> 00:18:30,885
The suit shows
502
00:18:30,885 --> 00:18:32,451
that we are a force
to be reckoned with,
503
00:18:32,778 --> 00:18:35,173
a two-person army
that plays by its own rules.
504
00:18:35,200 --> 00:18:36,572
But you've taken off
the uniform,
505
00:18:36,622 --> 00:18:38,786
you've crossed enemy lines,
and you've abandoned me.
506
00:18:38,911 --> 00:18:40,186
Well, I'm not gonna
let you do that.
507
00:18:40,286 --> 00:18:43,666
It's not too late to back out
of this stupid marriage thing!
508
00:18:44,078 --> 00:18:45,611
You don't have to do this, bro!
509
00:18:45,678 --> 00:18:46,862
-Yes, I do.
- Why?!
510
00:18:47,027 --> 00:18:49,083
Because Tom and I are
gonna have a baby.
511
00:18:49,714 --> 00:18:51,450
What? There's gonna be a baby?
512
00:18:53,326 --> 00:18:54,333
Yes.
513
00:18:54,711 --> 00:18:55,709
We're adopting.
514
00:18:56,061 --> 00:18:57,311
Oh, my God.
515
00:18:57,878 --> 00:18:59,277
I'm gonna be an uncle?
516
00:18:59,976 --> 00:19:01,567
For the rest of your life.
517
00:19:02,377 --> 00:19:04,878
(laughing)
518
00:19:04,945 --> 00:19:07,329
And that's how Barney
became Uncle Barney.
519
00:19:07,735 --> 00:19:09,260
A year later,
at James's wedding,
520
00:19:09,310 --> 00:19:11,044
Barney could not
have been more proud.
521
00:19:11,462 --> 00:19:12,694
To James and Tom.
522
00:19:13,099 --> 00:19:15,421
May you have a long
and happy life together.
523
00:19:15,828 --> 00:19:18,911
And may I always have the skin
and libido of a much younger man.
524
00:19:18,978 --> 00:19:20,544
-Cheers.
-Cheers.
525
00:19:21,511 --> 00:19:22,628
Nice one.
526
00:19:23,145 --> 00:19:25,774
Thanks. I decided to leave out
the hetero college phase.
527
00:19:25,824 --> 00:19:27,276
No one wants to hear about that.
528
00:19:27,277 --> 00:19:28,778
It was perfect.
529
00:19:28,845 --> 00:19:30,777
You even made
Tom's dad cry.
530
00:19:31,344 --> 00:19:33,778
Might have been doing that
because he's a Republican.
531
00:19:33,845 --> 00:19:35,478
(chuckles)
532
00:19:35,544 --> 00:19:36,428
Whoa.
533
00:19:36,845 --> 00:19:37,811
It's 9:00.
534
00:19:38,261 --> 00:19:39,223
We should be
getting back.
535
00:19:39,273 --> 00:19:40,705
You guys want
to split a cab?
536
00:19:40,755 --> 00:19:42,311
Uh, no, I think I'm gonna
stay a little bit longer.
537
00:19:42,428 --> 00:19:44,261
Yeah, me, too. I'm
not tired at all.
538
00:19:44,478 --> 00:19:45,678
All right, well,
it's getting late.
539
00:19:45,745 --> 00:19:46,911
Got to get
the wife home.
540
00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:48,011
Oh, stop calling me that.
541
00:19:48,078 --> 00:19:49,212
It makes me sound fat.
542
00:19:51,212 --> 00:19:53,277
Ugh, it's a freaking epidemic.
543
00:19:53,344 --> 00:19:54,561
See ya.
544
00:19:59,011 --> 00:20:01,694
* I won't tell *
545
00:20:02,411 --> 00:20:04,845
* What you told *
546
00:20:05,212 --> 00:20:07,378
* I won't share... *
547
00:20:07,645 --> 00:20:08,978
May I?
Yeah.
548
00:20:09,045 --> 00:20:10,478
(chuckles)
549
00:20:10,544 --> 00:20:13,344
* I will grow old *
550
00:20:13,411 --> 00:20:14,911
* No one will know... *
551
00:20:15,078 --> 00:20:16,078
Hey, buddy.
552
00:20:17,311 --> 00:20:18,845
Your parents are married.
553
00:20:19,851 --> 00:20:20,929
Now, listen,
554
00:20:21,212 --> 00:20:23,711
Just because you're being
raised by married people
555
00:20:23,728 --> 00:20:26,010
doesn't mean you have to choose
that lifestyle.
556
00:20:26,078 --> 00:20:27,177
High-five.
557
00:20:28,510 --> 00:20:30,023
Luckily, you got me.
558
00:20:30,578 --> 00:20:33,711
In 20 and a half years,
you'll be 21,
559
00:20:33,778 --> 00:20:35,794
and I will be...
560
00:20:36,311 --> 00:20:38,345
Well, I haven't decided
how old I'll be yet.
561
00:20:38,838 --> 00:20:39,711
But we are gonna
562
00:20:39,778 --> 00:20:42,535
bro out, uncle and nephew style.
563
00:20:43,030 --> 00:20:44,414
Stick with me, kid.
564
00:20:44,676 --> 00:20:47,642
I am gonna teach
you how to live.
565
00:20:48,411 --> 00:20:50,277
Great suit, by the way.
566
00:20:52,444 --> 00:20:54,212
(mock straining)
567
00:20:54,277 --> 00:20:55,678
Who is the cutest?
568
00:20:55,745 --> 00:20:56,978
See Robin?
569
00:21:06,409 --> 00:21:08,943
Tom likes big breast,
and I intended great it
570
00:21:10,019 --> 00:21:11,943
and now it's laid and out
571
00:21:13,188 --> 00:21:14,578
(sobbing):
Why?
572
00:21:15,110 --> 00:21:18,570
Rosa, why always be attracted
to the unavailable ones?
573
00:21:18,570 --> 00:21:20,697
Why not accept the fact
that you're a beautiful woman
574
00:21:20,797 --> 00:21:22,487
who is worthy of love?
575
00:21:22,946 --> 00:21:24,612
Are you brave enough
to hear that?
576
00:21:25,476 --> 00:21:26,924
You...
Hmm.
577
00:21:27,305 --> 00:21:33,784
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