All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S02E10 1000 TV Prize.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

Heeeeey, Abbott!

Oh, thanks, Lou.

Hey, you know, there's
going to be some fight tonight.

- Between us and the landlord?
- No, no, no.

Kid Smaltz and Bob Daley.

You know, if I had 10 bucks,

I'd put it right on the
nose of Bob Daley.

You know what I would
do if I had 10 bucks?

What?

I would buy a big porterhouse
steak smothered with lamb chops,

and I'd buy some new furniture
for this joint and a big car.

Where are you getting
all this for 10 bucks?

I got a friend of mine. He's
in the business... wholesale.

[Knocking on door]

- Landlord.
- Light's on.

Hey, Abbott and Costello,
I want to talk to you.

We'll tell them
when they get in.

Go away.

Oh, hello, Mr. Fields.
Come right in.

Hello, boys.

Mr. Fields, what are
you doing all dressed up?

Oh, I've got to go out
for a couple of hours.

There's a man coming
to fix my television set.

Here's the key to my apartment.
Will you see that he gets in?

- Oh, sure.
- Good.

Now, be sure that he
fixes the television set

because I want to
watch the fight tonight.

Oh, uh, here's $10. That
ought to take care of it.

- Thanks very much, boys.
- Okay, Mr. Fields.

Okay, Mr. Fields.

Hey, $10 to fix a television
set? That's highway robbery.

- We could do it ourselves.
- We could?

Why not?

Maybe you're right.

There's no sense in letting
somebody else rob him

when we could.

Hey, now you've got it.

- Go get some tools.
- Okay.

Go ahead. Open the
door. Get the key out.

We don't want
any... No, no, no, no.

We don't want anybody to
know we're going in here.

I'll bang a hole in the door.
Then you can saw through...

Get the key out.

- We want to do a neat job, don't we?
- Never mind that. Get the key.

- Okay.
- Come on. Hurry up.

Open that door.

Oh, ixnay... Mike the Cop.

What happened?

I swallowed the key.

What are you guys up to?

We ain't up to
nothing, Mr. Policeman.

Oh, yes, you are, or
you wouldn't be so polite.

All right, you dumb flatfoot,
are you satisfied now?

Now, that's more like. But I
better check with Mr. Fields.

He's not home.

Oh, so you knew he wasn't home,

and you're monkeying
around with his door.

No.

Well, I better go in there
and see if everything's all right.

Well, are you happy now?

I'll never be happy

as long as I'm living under
the same roof with you two.

Costello, you're
standing in the exact spot

that I desire to trespass.

I'd like to punch that dumb
cop right in the nose again.

Again?

I felt like it yesterday, too.

Tell you what you do.

Go around the alley,
climb through the window,

and open the door.

- Go ahead. Now, hurry up.
- Don't go away.

You want to try the
blowtorch while I'm gone?

No, no, no, no, no, no. Go
ahead. Just leave it there.

[Alarm sounds]

Abbott!

Abbott!

Come here, Abbott!

Get me out of here!
I'm feeling like a sardine!

Costello.

Costello, this is
no time to play.

Come on down.

Now, cut it out, Costello.

You!

Hey, Abbott!

Abbott!

- Help me out of here, Abbott!
- Come on. Get up out of there.

Get me out!

Come on.

Get up out of there.

Get out of there. Come on.

- Hurry up.
- Wait a minute.

Hurry up, before we get caught.

Come on. Never mind that.

Ohh!

Hey, you!

What's going on here?

Well, we heard a bell,

and we were just
coming out to investigate.

Yeah, it sounds like a telephone.
Sounds like in Mr. Fields' room.

Kelly, what's the
meaning of this?

Well, I-I-I...

You're the guys that did this.

What is he talking about?

Really, Bud, I don't know.

Sergeant, I can't imagine
a policeman like this.

He must have been
working awfully hard

to go around without
wearing any pants on like this.

- Why, you...
- Kelly!

Y-Yes, Sir?

When you get your clothes on,

report to the
lieutenant at the station.

- Yes, Sir.
- Salute the sergeant.

Ohh...

Come on.

- Lou, will you get to work?
- Okay.

Come on.

Now, there's the
television set. Now get to it.

Boy, this is the easiest
$10 we ever made.

Out in the alley, I'm on my
head in the can out there,

and you call that "easy"?

You don't know what
I was going through.

- Did I tell you to swallow the key?
- No.

Well, then, what are
you hollering about?

Well, it was a mistake.

All right, get the screwdriver,
and let's get to work.

- Okay.
- No, wait a minute.

- That's a hammer.
- Yeah?

Come here.

There's a screwdriver.

What's the matter? You
think I'm a dope or something?

- Certainly I think you're a dope.
- I was going to get it.

Oh, you do? Here.

What's this?

What is it?

A saw?

That's right.

How do you like that?
I got it the first time.

All right, all right.

- You thought I was a dope, huh?
- Go ahead. Get to work.

Be careful, there.

Get out of there.

Get out of there.

Full of air.

I think... I ain't got a nickel.

No wonder you
couldn't fix this thing.

I was supposed
to start off with $10.

Wait a minute. Don't
break the machine.

Getting me all mixed up.

Well, your dimmer is all
disconnected here. Look out.

- I'm mixed up.
- Get off there.

Go away. You want
to dirty the machine?

There we are.

I ain't going to play
with you no more.

Now, wait a minute.

Now, let's see what happens.

I hope it don't work.

TV Announcer: And now
we come to the important part

of our "Money to Burn"
program... The $1,000 question.

As you know, friends,
every week at this hour,

we give away money, money,
money, oodles of money,

and this may be your lucky day.

And right here we'd
like to remind you

that this program is brought to you
by the makers of Gusto Steak Sauce,

that delicious, tangy,
tantalizing garnish

that makes chuck steak
taste like tenderloin.

And so, if you can afford
a steak, eat it with Gusto.

And now to our $1,000 question,
we're going to dial a number...

You imagine that...

A guy giving away a $1,000
bill for one little question?

Why don't he get an
encyclo... encyclo...

One of those things and
answer the question himself?

Are you sucker enough
to go for those things?

Those programs
are not on the level.

Eh.

[Telephone rings]

- Phone... I better answer that.
- Now, wait a minute.

Who do you think you are,
Mr. Fields' private secretary?

You're not supposed to be here.

Take it easy.

The number being called
doesn't seem to answer.

Well, it looks as though
the $1,000 question

will have to be held
over until next week,

when we'll have a
giant jackpot of $2,000.

What a phony.

$2,000. Phony. Phone.

I think I'd better
answer that phone.

Go ahead.

Hello? Hello?

- Hello?
- Hello.

Is this the residence
of Mr. Sidney Fields?

It is.

Mr. Sidney Fields of
214 Brookline Avenue?

Right.

Well, this is your
"Money to Burn" program,

and listen carefully, please...

For $1,000, can you answer
the following question...

When Cleopatra first
called upon Mark Antony,

she was greeted at
the gates by a soldier.

I want to know the immortal
words spoken to her by that soldier.

They must be the
exact words, Mr. Fields.

Psst, psst, psst. Some
guy wants Mr. Fields.

He's not in.

He ain't in.

That's absolutely correct.

The soldier's words to
Cleopatra were, "Ain't in."

Hello? Hello? Hello?

Well, I'll... I better-

- Hello?
- I better turn this down so you can...

Turn it down.

Hello?

Uh-oh.

Wait a minute.
This is disconnected.

- What ha...
- It went off.

What did you do here?

What did you do to
Mr. Fields' television set?

How did I know he was...

[Knock on the door]

Shh, take it easy.

Take it easy, now.

Did you send for someone
to fix your television set?

There it is, over there.

It only needs a
little adjustment.

- Little adjustment?
- Well.

This thing looks like it
was hit by an atom bomb.

Well, look, bub...
Just fix it $10 worth.

That's all we got.

I can't do nothing with it here. I'll
have to take it down to the shop.

Hey, come on. I'll
help you get it outside.

Okay.

- You make it?
- Yeah, I got it.

Attaboy.

Take it easy.
Back over this way.

Go ahead.

[Telephone rings]

Hey, don't forget to
get that back in a hurry.

Okay.

Hello?

Hello, this is the "Money
to Burn" television program.

Mr. Sidney Fields?

Uh, uh, y-yes, yes.

Oh, well, I'm sorry we
were disconnected before.

I didn't have a chance
to congratulate you.

Do you realize that
not one in 10,000

could have answered
that question correctly?

You must be quite a
scholar, quite a historian.

Well, I try to keep up
with the times, you know?

Uh, now, in regards to the
money, um... you know, the $1,000?

Should I come down and get it?

No, that won't be
necessary, Mr. Fields.

We'll bring it out to your home.

Well, I, uh... I didn't
want to put you out any.

I-I could just leave, come
down there, and get it.

That's very easy.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Fields,
but that's an iron-clad rule.

We'll be at your home
this evening at 8:00

and put that crisp new
$1,000 bill right in your hand.

Good-bye, Mr. Fields.

Uh, uh, good-bye.

Oh, boy, will
Mr. Fields be surprised

when we tell him about
the $1,000 prize he won.

The $1,000 that Mr. Fields won?

We answered the
telephone, didn't we?

Yeah.

And we answered the
$1,000 question, didn't we?

- We did?
- We did.

- Ohh.
- What's the matter with you?

We got a stomachache
from the key we swallowed.

[Dialing telephone]

Uh, hello, Nick,
this is Bud Abbott.

Say, Nick, do you know of anyone
that's got a fight ticket for tonight?

Huh?

Just one.

All right, I'll hold on.

- Hey, Abbott.
- Hmm?

What's the idea of spending
that money on a fight ticket

when we could use it?

We're going to give
this ticket to Mr. Fields.

Oh.

After all, we've got to get him
out of this apartment for the night.

They're delivering that $1,000.

So true, so true, so true.

What is that you've got there?

It's a magnet. I'm
going fishing for that key.

Oh, that's good. That...

What?

- "What?"
- Bah!

Oh, no, not you, Nick.

What's that? Oh, you've got one?

Fine. Will you hold it for me?

Yes, I'll come
right over and get it.

Thanks a lot, Nick.

Come on, Lou, let's go out.

Did you find the key?

No, but I lost the magnet.

Uh-oh. Come on.

Ah, little Marie.

Hey, Mr. Fields, Mr. Fields.

Do you know your apartment
was burglarized today?

What? Burglarized?

Well, almost. I
scared them away.

Oh, well, let's see about that.

And I got a pretty good
idea who did it, too...

Those two guys that
live in the next apartment.

You mean Abbott and
Costello? Don't be ridiculous.

Yeah?

Well, I saw them monkeying
around with the door, trying to get in.

Hey, my television
set... It's gone.

What did I tell you?
They probably hawked it.

I'll send out a general alarm.

[Telephone rings]

Hello?

Yes, this is Mr. Sidney Fields.

This is the Apex TV Repair.

One of my men brought
in your television set.

It's in pretty bad shape.

It's going to cost
you $163 to fix it.

$163... Why, you're
out of your mind.

All that set needed was
a little minor adjustment.

Ah, you guys are all alike.
You're a bunch of crooks.

Just a minute, Mac. You
ain't talking to me like that.

Oh, I ain't, huh?

Well, if you were here, I'd
punch you right in the nose.

Oh, yes, I would!

Oh, is that so?

Well, why don't
you just do that?

How do you like
that dirty crook?

Not only he's robbing me,

but now I won't
have my television set

to watch that fight tonight.

Well, maybe I can borrow
one for you, Mr. Fields.

- Do you think you really can?
- Well, I'll see what I can do.

Hiya, Mike. I hardly knew
you with your pants on.

I'm warning you guys.
Don't steam me up.

Aw, don't get sore.
He was only kidding.

Mr. Fields, how would you
like to see that fight tonight?

The only thing is, you got to be
out of here by 8:00 so he can...

Uh, he means that you've
got to get there a little early

on account of the crowd.

You know what that is.

There it is, with
our compliments.

Awfully nice of you boys.
I don't know what to say.

I'm really touched.

You're going to be touched
for plenty. Don't worry.

You need a little dough?

Oh, no, no, no, no,
everything's going to be all right.

Yeah, by and by, him and I...

We're going to be
riding down easy street.

Good. Well, thanks,
boys, thanks a million.

Thanks a thousand.

Why don't you keep quiet?

Every time you open your
mouth, you stick your foot in.

Are you kidding?

This I got to prove.

Wait a minute. I'm going
to show you something.

So what?

I couldn't get that
shoe in my mouth.

Well, you get everything
else in your mouth...

Mr. Fields' key, the magnet.

Oh, you...

Get that silly
grin off your face.

Well, guess I'd better get going.
Don't want to be late for the fight.

Well, have you got
the set hooked up, huh?

Yeah, it's not as good as yours,
Mr. Fields, but it works all right.

Say, do you mind if I stay
here and watch the fight on it?

Well, of course I don't mind.

As a matter of fact, I'd like
to have you hanging around,

in case that burglar
tries to come back.

Yeah, I wish he would.

He'd sure get something
he's not expecting.

Fields is on his way
to the fights by now.

We'll go down to his
apartment, take over.

When the man comes in
with the money, I'll talk to him.

- Come on.
- Let's go.

- Hey, Abbott.
- What?

How we going to get in here?

I thought of that.
I got a passkey.

That's my partner.

ANNOUNCER: Well,
here we are at the ringside

of the jam-packed arena.

The first of the preliminary
bouts will go on any minute now.

But it's the main
event the fans...

Go out this window.

Go in our window,
right through our room.

Hurry up.

[Alarm sounds]

Come on. Get out.

What's the meaning of this?

Oh, well, you see, Sir, I...

Don't you ever have all of
your clothes on at one time?

Well, I'm off duty
now, you know.

You'll probably be off duty
for the next couple of weeks.

He's got a key.

We're watching
Mr. Fields' apartment.

Ohh!

Why don't you watch
where you're going?

Come on, Costello.
Give me a hand.

I said a hand, not a foot!

I could have sworn you guys
had something to do with this,

and I still ain't so sure.

What are you talking
about? Now, what happened?

I was sitting right in there

when somebody broke
into this apartment.

That's what happened.

While you were
sitting right there, huh?

Oh, well, I-I-

Mike, I think you
need a watchdog.

Look, I'm going off duty now.

Do you suppose you can
manage to keep out of trouble

at least until tomorrow?

Now, I think that's
good advice, Mike.

You ought to give it a good try.

Uh, relax, boys.

I'll go in the kitchen
and make some coffee.

I don't know why it is every
time I get mixed up with you two,

something happens.

What would you take
to move out of here?

Well, you'd have to
top Mr. Fields' offer.

He was ready and willing to
forget 10% of our past rent.

Well, why don't you
take him up on it?

Well, we were willing
to meet him halfway.

We told him if he'd
forget half the rent,

we'd forget the other half.

Go away. What's
the matter with you?

What are you doing?

We've got to put Mike to sleep

before the man from the
television program gets here.

Let me belt him over
the head with this.

Not that.

We want to collect
that money, don't we?

Yeah.

- Go on inside.
- Let me see. Let me see.

Go on. Go on. I'll tend to this.

Go on inside.

ANNOUNCER: And another hard
right to the midsection by Kid Smaltz.

The pace has been terrific.

One more minute
to go in the round.

A left, another left, and
a right brought by Daley,

and it looks as though
the title may change hands.

There we are.

ANNOUNCER: 20 seconds...

- Coffee for all.
- Both boys slugging it out.

- There, that'll spruce you up.
- 10 seconds... the bell.

- Here you are, Mike.
- Round 5.

- Oh, thanks.
- That'll take good care of you.

Sit down there.

Well, let's drink up.

Nothing like a nice,
fresh cup of coffee, huh?

I got to agree with you.

Good health, all
that sort of thing.

- What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing, nothing.

Oh, uh, better give
Mike some sugar.

Sugar, Mike?

Yeah, I need something.

Um.

- Well, let's drink down, eh, boys?
- Yeah, yeah.

Nothing like a
good cup of coffee.

- Might as well drink down.
- Sure.

Go ahead. Drink it down.

Oh, now, there's no need
of looking at it that way, Lou.

You know, there's always a...

You like coffee, don't you?

Get the sugar, will you?
I need sugar in mine.

Give me the sugar, Mike.

That's a boy.

Now, drink down.

I don't think anything's
going to help.

- Want a little more sugar?
- No, no, it's enough. It's enough.

Better put some in yours.

Well, come on. Drink
down. Drink down.

- I'm happy tonight.
- Ah, you should be.

- Ahh, that's good coffee.
- Is it?

The best.

Ahh.

What's that?

A little hot in here.

No, no, it's all right.

Look. I'm tired, too. Look.

Good night.

[Snores]

Hey, Abbott.

Hey, Abbott.

[Knocking on door]

Oh, come in.

Is your name Fields? Did
I talk to you on the phone?

Oh, about the
television thing? Yes, Sir.

- You got something for me?
- I sure have.

Hey! Hey! Mike! Mike!

Get up, Mike! This
is no time to sleep!

Hey, Abbott, wake up! Your
little boy's going to get killed!

Get up, Abbott!

Don't hit me!

Listen, did I hurt you
when I hit you that time?

Ahh. No.

That's what I thought.

Let that be a lesson.

ANNOUNCER: The
contest for championship

of the world between
middleweight title holder Kid Smaltz

and the powerhouse puncher
from Paterson, New Jersey,

Barney Daley.

Hey.

Hey, Abbott. Abbott?

Here, here, here, what
are you looking for?

Say, what's been
going on in here?

Mr. Fields, if I was to tell
you, you wouldn't believe me.

Well, you believe this...

You gave me a counterfeit ticket
for that fight, and we're through!

From now on...

[Knocking on door]

Well, what do you want?

- Mr. Sidney Fields?
- Yes.

I talked to you on the telephone.
Now, about the money...

Just a minute. Is this
about the television?

Yes, and I have
something for you.

Yes? Well, I have
something for you.

Oh, you want to play rough, huh?

Oh, my.

I might as well
listen to the fight.

ANNOUNCER: 7, 8, 9, 10,

and the fight is over.

Well, and a new
champion tonight.

I'm sure you'll agree with me

that this is one of the
greatest fights ever.

That's what you think.