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1
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:06,640
-[tapping]
-[intro music]
2
00:00:06,720 --> 00:00:11,440
Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all
about knowing fuck all about owt,
3
00:00:11,520 --> 00:00:13,480
needs to watch their back. [cries out]
4
00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:16,600
So, you've had your Labour,
reclassifying skunk,
5
00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,360
sending prices sky high,
6
00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:22,440
literally, literally taking the grass
from its own roots.
7
00:00:22,520 --> 00:00:25,080
And now you've got your con-dem-nation.
8
00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,480
Liberals noshing Tories
like altar boys picking dimps up.
9
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:32,320
Have we had
a national fucking stroke or what?
10
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:36,360
Is revolution a word or was it never?
11
00:00:36,440 --> 00:00:38,720
Anybody watching, needs to know
12
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,160
we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
13
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,480
Well, for fuck's sake,
we live in Manchester
14
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:48,720
and they charge us for water!
15
00:00:48,800 --> 00:00:53,560
I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found,
16
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:57,360
this green and pleasant land
in ancient times...
17
00:00:57,440 --> 00:00:59,360
Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!
18
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,640
It's not theirs anymore.
19
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,800
-This is our England now.
-[cheering]
20
00:01:05,880 --> 00:01:08,240
Party!
21
00:01:08,320 --> 00:01:10,720
[intro music]
22
00:01:10,800 --> 00:01:12,120
[intro music fades out]
23
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,520
-[people laughing]
-[pop music]
24
00:01:14,600 --> 00:01:16,520
[Micky] I always felt I was different,
25
00:01:16,600 --> 00:01:18,280
I never believed that I fitted in.
26
00:01:18,360 --> 00:01:21,720
Life is... ordinary! But I was special.
27
00:01:21,800 --> 00:01:26,840
I used to think I'm not a part of this,
I can't be. I must be adopted!
28
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,800
My real mum and dad were film stars, yeah,
29
00:01:32,880 --> 00:01:35,440
they couldn't look after me
because of their careers
30
00:01:35,520 --> 00:01:37,880
but one day... one day...
31
00:01:37,960 --> 00:01:40,760
-Fish and chips!
-they'll come back for me.
32
00:01:40,840 --> 00:01:44,120
My real parents will tip up
in a big fuck off limo
33
00:01:44,200 --> 00:01:46,040
and whisk me off to a better life...
34
00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:48,800
'Scuse me Mister?
I really want to do magic.
35
00:01:48,880 --> 00:01:50,520
Can you teach me?
36
00:01:50,600 --> 00:01:51,960
[Micky] And then I learnt...
37
00:01:52,600 --> 00:01:55,080
-Fuck off, kid.
-...that there's no such thing as magic
38
00:01:55,160 --> 00:01:58,480
or the Tooth Fairy or Father Christmas.
39
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:01,120
It's like flying pigs, they don't exist.
40
00:02:01,200 --> 00:02:03,640
We just have to make do
with what we've got.
41
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:05,240
Come on. It's good for you.
42
00:02:05,320 --> 00:02:06,480
[Micky] Eh?
43
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:09,039
Look, if you don't eat it right,
44
00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:12,040
Mr Cuddles's banana brains
will be splattered all over the wall!
45
00:02:12,120 --> 00:02:13,360
[imitates gunshot]
46
00:02:13,440 --> 00:02:14,800
[Kelly] I know how you feel.
47
00:02:14,880 --> 00:02:17,480
I can't do a thing with this today,
it's flat as a gymnasts chest.
48
00:02:17,560 --> 00:02:19,000
[Micky] Helicopter!
49
00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:21,760
-[Micky imitates helicopter]
-[Cilla cries]
50
00:02:21,840 --> 00:02:25,360
Look, if you don't eat it right,
then the helicopter will crash.
51
00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,560
-[imitates helicopter]
-[Billy] Let 'em die.
52
00:02:27,640 --> 00:02:28,800
[Cilla cries]
53
00:02:30,160 --> 00:02:32,920
-S'there a brew going or what?
-Yeah. In the kettle.
54
00:02:34,240 --> 00:02:35,400
That's mine.
55
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:38,920
-Got your name in it?
-Yeah, it has.
56
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:42,600
-S'that porridge?
-No it's a kebab.
57
00:02:42,680 --> 00:02:45,320
She prefers Chocky-Choc Pops,
with a bit of sugar on.
58
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:48,800
Is that what you feed her?
59
00:02:48,880 --> 00:02:53,440
It's no wonder she won't touch it
she's holding out for a sugar fix.
60
00:02:53,520 --> 00:02:55,040
That stuff will rot her teeth.
61
00:02:55,120 --> 00:02:57,360
They're her baby ones,
she'll get a new set when she's older.
62
00:02:57,440 --> 00:03:00,160
If she gets older!
The shit you're pumping into her.
63
00:03:00,240 --> 00:03:02,840
-You're not fit to be a parent.
-And you are?
64
00:03:02,920 --> 00:03:05,760
-Well I'm more qualified than you are!
-Who's the daddy?
65
00:03:05,840 --> 00:03:07,000
-Who's the daddy?
-I'm the daddy?
66
00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:08,800
-Where's your tool?
-You're a tool!
67
00:03:08,880 --> 00:03:11,840
Woah, woah woahhh! Pack it in!
68
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:18,320
It's not about you,
or about how good you are, it's about her!
69
00:03:18,920 --> 00:03:20,560
[spoon bonking]
70
00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:22,120
Smaller spoon.
71
00:03:22,800 --> 00:03:27,000
S'like when you're feeding a poorly snake
you chop up the mice up with the scissors.
72
00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:28,360
[door closes]
73
00:03:28,440 --> 00:03:32,280
-Right you set of lazy bastards!
-Morning.
74
00:03:32,360 --> 00:03:35,240
I've got piles of bills here
falling out of me arse
75
00:03:35,320 --> 00:03:37,120
and what are you lot doing about it?
76
00:03:37,200 --> 00:03:42,400
Fuck all! I need
every single one of you worthless shites
77
00:03:42,480 --> 00:03:45,600
to start pulling in some serious money!
78
00:03:45,680 --> 00:03:48,480
-Today!
-Er, I'm out there grafting already.
79
00:03:48,560 --> 00:03:50,840
I thought we were going to town?
Get mi' a new trackie?
80
00:03:50,920 --> 00:03:53,400
I've got a golden shower booked in at ten.
81
00:03:53,480 --> 00:03:55,160
And I've got my community service.
82
00:03:55,240 --> 00:03:57,640
Prancing about in tights
in't community service.
83
00:03:57,720 --> 00:03:59,720
-Yer what?
-I picked up needles and shit
84
00:03:59,800 --> 00:04:02,760
when I did service. Him?
He's doing 'drama', plays and that.
85
00:04:02,840 --> 00:04:05,320
Maybe the magistrate saw something in me.
86
00:04:05,400 --> 00:04:09,120
What like? Big fucking gayness? [laughing]
87
00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:11,200
You're not mi' dad!
88
00:04:15,600 --> 00:04:18,800
[Micky] I reckon the magistrate
was knocked out by me, you know
89
00:04:18,880 --> 00:04:20,320
saw I had a bit of summatt about me...
90
00:04:20,399 --> 00:04:22,840
[Michelle] Bastard. Bastard.
Fucking bastard.
91
00:04:22,920 --> 00:04:25,520
-Coz I've done loads of acting me...
-[Michelle] See how you like that.
92
00:04:25,600 --> 00:04:27,480
I was the Inn Keeper, well...
93
00:04:27,560 --> 00:04:31,960
I played an opportunistic businessman
in a historical drama.
94
00:04:32,040 --> 00:04:35,960
Yeah and I did a film, Taxi Driver,
it was fucking mint
95
00:04:36,040 --> 00:04:38,880
I mean it was mint. Soz.
96
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:41,800
I just really want
to make a success out of this,
97
00:04:41,880 --> 00:04:45,040
I think I'm turning a corner you know.
98
00:04:45,120 --> 00:04:48,400
If I can just get this community service
sentence out of the way...
99
00:04:48,480 --> 00:04:49,840
[Michelle] Bastard!
100
00:04:49,920 --> 00:04:52,240
-[Micky] Good news?
-[Michelle] My ex.
101
00:04:52,320 --> 00:04:54,440
Ran off with mi' best friend!
102
00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:56,160
You really missing her?
103
00:04:56,880 --> 00:05:00,720
I'll get his knees done if you want?
Put him in a wheelchair and that...
104
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:04,000
Joke! [laughing]
105
00:05:04,080 --> 00:05:07,800
[Micky] No, I know what it's like
to be in an abusive relationship.
106
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:12,360
Mi' step dad nicks my clothes right,
he's using one of my t-shirts to sleep...
107
00:05:15,040 --> 00:05:16,440
And he hits me,
108
00:05:16,520 --> 00:05:19,240
I mean proper hits me.
109
00:05:19,320 --> 00:05:21,680
-He's cracked mi' ribs and that.
-In here.
110
00:05:26,080 --> 00:05:28,520
[upbeat music]
111
00:05:36,480 --> 00:05:38,360
I think there's been a mistake.
112
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:40,560
You shouldn't have called the magistrate
a 'fucking mong'.
113
00:05:40,640 --> 00:05:43,440
-He was a fucking mong.
-He'd had a stroke.
114
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:44,840
And?
115
00:05:49,680 --> 00:05:51,120
[music stops]
116
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:54,040
Dropped down dead from a brain tumour.
117
00:05:54,120 --> 00:05:56,560
-Age?
-Fifty seven.
118
00:05:56,640 --> 00:05:58,440
[Patty] Oh here's another good one!
119
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:02,960
Father of two, forty seven,
knocked down by a bus, forty seven.
120
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:04,880
Morbid old crones.
121
00:06:04,960 --> 00:06:09,080
They make Goth Dave look like
a children's television presenter.
122
00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:12,840
Two halves a cider, one with black.
That's the one with black.
123
00:06:16,680 --> 00:06:18,680
Can I have some cash for the pool table?
124
00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:25,080
Cheers.
125
00:06:25,160 --> 00:06:26,640
He acts like a child.
But then again he is.
126
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:30,440
Would you get him a glass of lemonade?
Or does the sugar make him hyper?
127
00:06:30,520 --> 00:06:32,720
Oh, careful what you say now.
128
00:06:32,800 --> 00:06:34,400
there are children about
129
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:37,800
and we don't want them
picking up any bad language now, do we.
130
00:06:37,880 --> 00:06:39,400
[both laughing]
131
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,560
[little Billy] Mummy?
132
00:06:42,560 --> 00:06:44,440
Can I have a bag of crisps please?
133
00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:50,080
-Oh!
-[all laughing]
134
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:53,720
You need to man-up.
135
00:06:55,560 --> 00:06:59,400
That... my... dear young friend,
136
00:06:59,480 --> 00:07:02,480
is... the... theory
137
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:06,840
that the corrupt French drama
138
00:07:06,920 --> 00:07:09,840
has been propounding...
139
00:07:12,080 --> 00:07:14,360
Aw, you've been smoking!
140
00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,680
This will be a million times better
than the shit you're inhaling there.
141
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:26,920
-It's Salford Skunk.
-[Ray] Shop local, like it.
142
00:07:27,000 --> 00:07:30,480
Thai Stick, pure quality.
143
00:07:30,560 --> 00:07:36,760
I'm autistic so it focuses mi' mind
and it's good for... concentration.
144
00:07:39,640 --> 00:07:40,880
D'you like it here?
145
00:07:40,960 --> 00:07:45,120
S'all right, usually a bit better
when we haven't got the thrush.
146
00:07:45,920 --> 00:07:47,680
Irritating twat.
147
00:07:47,760 --> 00:07:50,880
And to be honest,
I prefer numbers to words me anyway.
148
00:07:51,480 --> 00:07:52,880
For example...
149
00:07:54,520 --> 00:07:56,760
from here I can see...
150
00:07:56,840 --> 00:08:00,840
eighty trees, seventy two yellow lines,
four hundred and twelve railings,
151
00:08:00,920 --> 00:08:04,760
seventeen traffic lights,
twelve satellite dishes, three cameras,
152
00:08:04,840 --> 00:08:08,040
sixty four windows, twenty four cars,
and two dead pigeons.
153
00:08:08,120 --> 00:08:09,880
[Ray laughs]
154
00:08:09,960 --> 00:08:11,800
You know all that by looking at them?
155
00:08:11,880 --> 00:08:14,960
-The other thing I like is--
-Never mind that!
156
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:19,240
-D'ya fancy going to a casino one night?
-The other thing I like is women.
157
00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,240
I want to shag a woman.
158
00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:24,960
I bet you've shagged loads of women?
What's it like?
159
00:08:26,800 --> 00:08:28,200
Messy.
160
00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:30,520
Anyway fuck that.
161
00:08:30,600 --> 00:08:33,200
D'ya want to come
to the casino one night with me,
162
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:35,360
pull in some serious money?
163
00:08:36,520 --> 00:08:39,120
Get me a woman to shag
and I'll come to the casino.
164
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:49,080
[Shane] The community service dickheads
proudly present
165
00:08:49,160 --> 00:08:51,600
'Litter Pick on the M60'.
166
00:08:51,680 --> 00:08:54,120
We're a cutting edge group
of performers right,
167
00:08:54,200 --> 00:08:58,400
-with important things to say.
-So have I, get a fucking job!
168
00:08:58,480 --> 00:09:00,560
[ironically laughing]
169
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:02,680
-I'll show you.
-[Shane] Show me?
170
00:09:02,760 --> 00:09:05,280
You think I'm a joke,
you think I'm worth fuck all.
171
00:09:05,360 --> 00:09:09,200
It's not just me Micky,
it's pretty much across the board mate.
172
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:11,920
[Frank laughing]
173
00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:13,920
[Micky] Kel!
174
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,800
Fancy making a million quid for Mam?
175
00:09:19,560 --> 00:09:21,120
Boom! [laughing]
176
00:09:21,200 --> 00:09:23,520
-Fuck are you playing at?
-Dur!
177
00:09:23,600 --> 00:09:25,960
You'll be wearing that
internally in a minute.
178
00:09:26,040 --> 00:09:29,680
I've got a list of jobs as long as my arse
and you piss off out of it.
179
00:09:29,760 --> 00:09:31,360
[Billy] I was manning up.
180
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:34,480
Leave you at home doing the jobs
and me come here. Like a man.
181
00:09:34,560 --> 00:09:38,920
-You tell her kid.
-S'not how it works, not in my house!
182
00:09:39,680 --> 00:09:41,480
Your list of jobs.
183
00:09:41,560 --> 00:09:44,120
It's about time you proved yourself
to be a man,
184
00:09:44,200 --> 00:09:46,880
-my man, alright?
-Winner stays on.
185
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,440
Now!
186
00:09:48,520 --> 00:09:50,560
[Frank laughing]
187
00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:54,880
[laughing]
188
00:09:54,960 --> 00:09:58,640
[Terry]
As for your conduct towards Miss Cardew...
189
00:09:58,720 --> 00:10:02,480
I must say that your taking in a sweet,
190
00:10:02,560 --> 00:10:05,120
simple, innocent girl like that...
191
00:10:05,200 --> 00:10:07,640
-Do'you like this?
-[Michelle] Excuse me?
192
00:10:07,720 --> 00:10:11,000
Chatting away while people are working
is hugely disrespectful.
193
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:12,720
[coughs]
194
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,520
You got something to say?
195
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:16,520
Why are they doing this?
196
00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:17,920
Did they chose it?
197
00:10:18,880 --> 00:10:21,800
No disrespect or owt
but I don't understand it and,
198
00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:23,840
by looks of things,
neither do any of this lot.
199
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,760
I'm sick and tired of men
telling me what's what!
200
00:10:26,840 --> 00:10:29,880
Time and time again
they think they know best
201
00:10:29,960 --> 00:10:34,200
and they know fu... jack all!
202
00:10:34,280 --> 00:10:37,400
You Michael Maguire
have booked yourself a one way ticket
203
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:40,520
right out of here direct to prison.
204
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:44,000
Do not pass go
and do not collect two hundred pounds.
205
00:10:44,080 --> 00:10:44,920
Wait!
206
00:10:45,000 --> 00:10:47,720
I'm calling the courts now,
you're in breach of your order.
207
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,960
-Alright, alright, I'm sorry.
-Contributed nothing except negativity,
208
00:10:52,040 --> 00:10:57,200
whipping them up into a frenzy.
There won't be a revolution here.
209
00:10:57,280 --> 00:10:59,920
-Please!
-Not on my watch!
210
00:11:00,000 --> 00:11:01,520
Miss! Miss wait!
211
00:11:07,480 --> 00:11:10,280
-[Micky] Ah!
-[Michelle screams]
212
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,840
-She pushed me.
-She fell.
213
00:11:16,920 --> 00:11:18,560
Pushed...
214
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:23,520
Please! Let me out!
215
00:11:31,320 --> 00:11:32,560
Success!
216
00:11:32,640 --> 00:11:35,280
I picked up the child allowance
from the Post Office,
217
00:11:35,360 --> 00:11:37,120
went to court, paid the fines.
218
00:11:37,200 --> 00:11:39,760
Dropped that bag wash off
and did the shop.
219
00:11:40,800 --> 00:11:41,960
Who's this?
220
00:11:46,640 --> 00:11:48,280
It's the same pram!
221
00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:51,680
[women laughing]
222
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:00,680
-Flat out asleep.
-Cilla or Latifa?
223
00:12:00,760 --> 00:12:02,400
Cilla.
224
00:12:02,480 --> 00:12:05,480
Look. I proved I can do stuff,
and I've shown I can sort problems.
225
00:12:05,560 --> 00:12:07,920
-I've manned up.
-But can you think for yourself?
226
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:09,640
-I don't know what you want me to say?
-[sighs]
227
00:12:09,720 --> 00:12:12,440
-[Billy] Yeah, I can think for myself.
-And pigs will fly.
228
00:12:12,520 --> 00:12:13,440
I can!
229
00:12:14,480 --> 00:12:15,560
Prove it.
230
00:12:15,640 --> 00:12:18,440
We've got to find five hundred quid
before midnight.
231
00:12:18,520 --> 00:12:19,520
Have we?
232
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,840
It's a hypothetical case.
233
00:12:21,920 --> 00:12:23,240
Right.
234
00:12:23,320 --> 00:12:25,360
So where ya gonna get it from?
235
00:12:25,440 --> 00:12:27,880
-The bank?
-You haven't got a bank account.
236
00:12:27,960 --> 00:12:30,600
-The hypothetical bank?
-Oh for suck's sake, Micky.
237
00:12:31,400 --> 00:12:34,200
Billy.
You can't get it from the bank, right,
238
00:12:34,280 --> 00:12:39,600
can't get it from any of our stashes,
sell anything or hurt anybody
239
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:44,080
so where are you gonna get
five hundred quid from tonight?
240
00:12:44,160 --> 00:12:45,520
Think.
241
00:12:48,520 --> 00:12:50,040
[puffing]
242
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,720
My mum used to work in this office,
243
00:12:54,800 --> 00:12:56,600
it had a box of petty cash.
244
00:12:56,680 --> 00:12:58,320
Five hundred quid's worth?
245
00:12:58,400 --> 00:12:59,800
More like a grand.
246
00:13:00,520 --> 00:13:01,640
[chuckles]
247
00:13:11,760 --> 00:13:14,040
I don't have to get it...do I?
248
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:19,000
[dance music]
249
00:13:20,240 --> 00:13:23,400
I like lemonade and Cheryl Cole.
250
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:27,240
[Terry] Come on Lise.
251
00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,080
She fancies you.
252
00:13:30,160 --> 00:13:32,640
But I fancy her right,
253
00:13:32,720 --> 00:13:35,280
so...stay away!
254
00:13:35,360 --> 00:13:36,400
Alright!
255
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:40,640
Hiya.
256
00:13:43,360 --> 00:13:44,240
[music stops]
257
00:13:44,320 --> 00:13:46,000
Right. [clapping]
258
00:13:46,080 --> 00:13:48,200
Ten minute fag break.
259
00:13:53,680 --> 00:13:56,120
I know they're a little bit different
to how I'd described them.
260
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:58,680
I'm used to different,
I do 'different' every day.
261
00:13:58,760 --> 00:13:59,680
[chuckles]
262
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,240
-Are you Micky's girlfriend?
-No!
263
00:14:03,920 --> 00:14:07,120
She's just here to help out.
Y'know, lend a hand.
264
00:14:09,600 --> 00:14:10,920
You can have a brew then.
265
00:14:12,800 --> 00:14:16,680
Are you alright to use the kettle.
I mean, you're allowed?
266
00:14:19,200 --> 00:14:22,400
So where's this Rainman
who's gonna make us some serious money?
267
00:14:29,320 --> 00:14:32,600
-What play are we going to do instead?
268
00:14:32,680 --> 00:14:34,280
[Micky] One I'm writing myself.
269
00:14:34,360 --> 00:14:38,600
It's the story
of a poor misunderstood genius
270
00:14:38,680 --> 00:14:41,240
rejected by everyone around him.
271
00:14:41,320 --> 00:14:44,440
He wants to fit in, he strives for it,
272
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:45,920
but...
273
00:14:46,640 --> 00:14:48,640
no-one gets him.
274
00:14:49,920 --> 00:14:51,720
[Micky] You lot know what it's like.
275
00:14:51,800 --> 00:14:55,200
-Feeling like you don't fit in?
-[Kirsty] We do fit in.
276
00:14:55,280 --> 00:14:58,280
But what about when people
call you names and that?
277
00:14:58,360 --> 00:15:01,680
-Names?
-[Micky] Yeah, window-lickers,
278
00:15:01,760 --> 00:15:04,120
biffs, retards...
279
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,480
People don't call me names like that.
280
00:15:07,560 --> 00:15:08,760
What do they call you?
281
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:12,720
-Terry.
-[all laughing]
282
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:14,520
What play would you like to do?
283
00:15:14,600 --> 00:15:16,440
-Mamma Mia?
-Marley & Me!
284
00:15:16,520 --> 00:15:19,120
-Avatar!
-They're all films, not plays.
285
00:15:19,200 --> 00:15:20,480
Stuart Little?
286
00:15:21,240 --> 00:15:23,240
I saw a play once, it were in German,
287
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:25,880
think it was about a lesbian
288
00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,400
trying to hang a curtain
over a broken window
289
00:15:28,480 --> 00:15:29,840
lasted three hours.
290
00:15:29,920 --> 00:15:32,440
-It were fucking brilliant.
-We're not doing that.
291
00:15:32,520 --> 00:15:34,600
What do you think we should do?
292
00:15:34,680 --> 00:15:36,440
What was the last play you saw?
293
00:15:39,640 --> 00:15:41,280
The Nativity?
294
00:15:41,360 --> 00:15:43,920
[all laughing]
295
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:46,000
[Kelly] What d'you have to say that for?
296
00:15:46,080 --> 00:15:47,560
Christmas is ages away!
297
00:15:47,640 --> 00:15:49,240
That was the last play I saw...
298
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:51,480
the last play I was in at school.
299
00:15:51,560 --> 00:15:53,400
I was the Inn Keeper.
300
00:15:54,680 --> 00:15:56,160
Were you any good?
301
00:15:56,240 --> 00:15:57,360
[knocking on door]
302
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:03,640
[indistinct chatter]
303
00:16:03,720 --> 00:16:06,800
Come on. Come on!
304
00:16:09,960 --> 00:16:10,800
I was...
305
00:16:12,040 --> 00:16:13,440
brilliant.
306
00:16:15,040 --> 00:16:17,680
Just gonna go for a slash. [chuckles]
307
00:16:18,400 --> 00:16:22,400
[all laughing]
308
00:16:23,120 --> 00:16:24,160
[urinating]
309
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:25,400
[Micky gasps]
310
00:16:25,480 --> 00:16:28,720
Woah. What d'ya want? What're you doing?
311
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,480
Not what I want, what I can give you.
312
00:16:32,920 --> 00:16:35,440
The best suck off you've ever had.
313
00:16:40,640 --> 00:16:41,600
Alright.
314
00:16:45,200 --> 00:16:46,520
Stud.
315
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:47,840
Wait, listen.
316
00:16:49,400 --> 00:16:51,280
Woah woah, you don't want me!
317
00:16:51,360 --> 00:16:54,560
-Yeah I do.
-Just get off will ya!
318
00:16:54,640 --> 00:16:57,320
-I don't care if it's little.
-Eh.
319
00:16:57,400 --> 00:17:01,560
It's like a baby's arm
holding an apple, right.
320
00:17:01,640 --> 00:17:03,400
Un-hard. Stop!
321
00:17:03,480 --> 00:17:05,839
You want to do it here? Right now?
322
00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:07,640
Casino first.
323
00:17:07,720 --> 00:17:12,560
Then we'll do whatever you want...
sugar lips.
324
00:17:18,119 --> 00:17:20,599
-Don't you fancy me?
-No.
325
00:17:20,680 --> 00:17:23,760
-[sobs]
-[Micky sighs]
326
00:17:24,760 --> 00:17:25,599
I do.
327
00:17:25,680 --> 00:17:29,080
You'd let me suck you off if you liked me,
if you thought I was pretty!
328
00:17:29,160 --> 00:17:31,920
You are pretty! It's just...
329
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:35,800
I'm not the right man for you Lise.
330
00:17:35,880 --> 00:17:38,600
I'm no good. I'm...
331
00:17:39,480 --> 00:17:41,120
I'm useless.
332
00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:44,600
[Mimi distorted]...waste of space.
Lazy, pathetic, pointless,
333
00:17:44,680 --> 00:17:47,880
never amount to anything.
What are you for, Micky?
334
00:17:47,960 --> 00:17:50,160
What the fuck are you for?
335
00:17:54,440 --> 00:17:57,800
You need someone that won't let you down,
336
00:17:57,880 --> 00:18:02,080
someone who's dependable,
a real man like...
337
00:18:03,520 --> 00:18:04,800
like Terry.
338
00:18:04,880 --> 00:18:07,600
-Terry?
-[Micky] Oh, big time.
339
00:18:07,680 --> 00:18:10,200
I've seen the way
he looks at you and that.
340
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:12,920
[Micky] He'd look after you as well.
341
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:17,560
Y'know, he's a real man, a protector.
342
00:18:17,640 --> 00:18:20,640
He'd pick you up,
343
00:18:20,720 --> 00:18:22,600
in his arms.
344
00:18:22,680 --> 00:18:25,160
[Micky] And everyone would watch
345
00:18:25,240 --> 00:18:27,560
as he carried you...
346
00:18:28,880 --> 00:18:31,760
in his big, strong arms.
347
00:18:32,520 --> 00:18:34,920
[Micky] With your head leant
against his chest,
348
00:18:35,000 --> 00:18:37,920
his rock hard ripped and cut chest,
349
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:41,520
pecs like stone, nipples like wheelnuts.
350
00:18:41,600 --> 00:18:42,600
The heat of him...
351
00:18:42,680 --> 00:18:47,000
his breath on your face,
his heart beating through his solid chest
352
00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,040
as he holds you tight....
353
00:18:49,680 --> 00:18:55,000
being held close and tight...
354
00:18:56,360 --> 00:18:58,080
So you're gay.
355
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:00,760
[Micky] Look, wait!
356
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:03,360
Don't say owt will you?
357
00:19:04,080 --> 00:19:06,440
Keep it between the two of us?
358
00:19:07,880 --> 00:19:10,600
-Your secret's safe with me.
-[Micky sighs]
359
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:14,840
-[Micky gasps]
-We won't say a word either.
360
00:19:14,920 --> 00:19:19,040
I won't, as long as you don't tell anyone
I've got Downs Syndrome.
361
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:22,960
[chuckles]
362
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:23,880
Deal.
363
00:19:23,960 --> 00:19:27,360
[all laughing]
364
00:19:38,320 --> 00:19:40,560
[Mimi] Been years since I did a burglary.
365
00:19:41,280 --> 00:19:44,480
We all used to do it together,
me, Paddy, the kids,
366
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:48,160
proper family stuff...happy days.
367
00:19:48,240 --> 00:19:50,800
It was always a bit of a turn on for me.
368
00:19:50,880 --> 00:19:52,960
I'm getting a bit of a wide-on now.
369
00:19:53,040 --> 00:19:56,360
-[Billy chuckles]
-Job first though. Come on!
370
00:19:59,920 --> 00:20:03,280
-We all have skills right.
-I'm great on post codes.
371
00:20:03,360 --> 00:20:05,960
Name a place. Go on, test me. Test me!
372
00:20:06,840 --> 00:20:07,800
Chester Zoo?
373
00:20:08,680 --> 00:20:09,960
CH2.
374
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:13,360
-Blackpool Pleasure Beach?
-FY4.
375
00:20:13,440 --> 00:20:17,360
-Brilliant! Buckingham Palace?
-Yeah, alright, alright! Fucking 'ell.
376
00:20:17,440 --> 00:20:20,720
I know every word to Gladiator
it's not going to make us a million.
377
00:20:20,800 --> 00:20:22,320
-SW1 1AA.
-Ssh!
378
00:20:22,400 --> 00:20:23,280
Sorry.
379
00:20:23,360 --> 00:20:27,800
Number boy's skills however
are a different kettle of fish.
380
00:20:27,880 --> 00:20:29,240
A kettle of fish?
381
00:20:29,320 --> 00:20:33,800
Limo. Casino. [laughing] Let's go to work.
382
00:20:33,880 --> 00:20:36,720
["Little Green Bag" playing]
383
00:20:45,880 --> 00:20:46,840
♪ Yeah ♪
384
00:20:52,440 --> 00:20:55,960
♪ Lookin' back in the track
For a little green bag ♪
385
00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:01,240
♪ Got to find just a kind
Or losin' my mind ♪
386
00:21:01,320 --> 00:21:06,080
♪ Out of sight in the night,
Out of sight in the day ♪
387
00:21:06,160 --> 00:21:09,920
♪ Lookin' back in the track
Gonna do it my way ♪
388
00:21:10,680 --> 00:21:15,240
♪ Out of sight in the night
Out of sight in the day ♪
389
00:21:15,320 --> 00:21:19,320
♪ Lookin' back in the track
Gonna do it my way ♪
390
00:21:28,800 --> 00:21:31,040
♪ Lookin' for some happiness ♪
391
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:37,320
♪ But there is so a loneliness to find ♪
392
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:42,240
♪ Turn to the left turn to the right ♪
393
00:21:42,320 --> 00:21:47,440
♪ Lookin' upstairs lookin' behind ♪
394
00:21:47,520 --> 00:21:49,440
[alarm beeping]
395
00:21:50,760 --> 00:21:51,920
[thud]
396
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:54,000
Hit me!
397
00:21:55,720 --> 00:22:00,280
[laughing, whooping]
398
00:22:07,600 --> 00:22:10,440
He's fucking useless!
Lost every fucking penny!
399
00:22:10,520 --> 00:22:12,360
He told me he was great with numbers!
400
00:22:12,440 --> 00:22:16,560
Zero eight zero eight one
five seven twenty twenty. Pizza delivery!
401
00:22:16,640 --> 00:22:19,320
I'm on about cards, Raymond!
Fucking cards!
402
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:20,960
You can't even count to twenty-one,
you prick!
403
00:22:21,040 --> 00:22:23,200
-Hit me!
-[Micky] Don't tempt me!
404
00:22:23,280 --> 00:22:27,320
What was with that four hundred windows
seventy doors bollocks?
405
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,200
Every day I have a smoke
out the back and I--
406
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:30,480
Count it all.
407
00:22:30,560 --> 00:22:31,920
Stops me getting bored.
408
00:22:33,240 --> 00:22:35,600
-Can we have sex now?
-Unbelievable.
409
00:22:36,760 --> 00:22:39,640
[Michelle] I believe there was
a rehearsal here last night?
410
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:45,160
A rehearsal without an appropriate leader,
i.e. you!
411
00:22:45,240 --> 00:22:47,240
-We went to the casino!
-[Micky sighs]
412
00:22:47,320 --> 00:22:50,680
Well, there won't be any more rehearsals.
413
00:22:50,760 --> 00:22:52,920
Not now, not ever.
414
00:22:53,000 --> 00:22:55,960
The building is closed
until further notice!
415
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:59,880
-You can't do that.
-Can and have.
416
00:22:59,960 --> 00:23:04,000
And what's it got to do
with the talking sex doll?
417
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:05,800
You can't shut the building!
418
00:23:05,880 --> 00:23:08,800
I can and I have.
419
00:23:08,880 --> 00:23:10,320
Health and safety.
420
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:15,960
If Lise continues to insist
that she didn't push me
421
00:23:16,040 --> 00:23:19,200
down the stairs,
then I must have slipped.
422
00:23:19,280 --> 00:23:24,280
And the building closes until the Health
and Safety Executives have investigated.
423
00:23:24,360 --> 00:23:25,640
Thank you.
424
00:23:25,720 --> 00:23:26,640
Mum.
425
00:23:28,000 --> 00:23:31,360
Oh, and don't forget...
426
00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:35,080
No play, no community service!
427
00:23:35,160 --> 00:23:38,520
[Michelle] Bye bye outside,
hello Strangeways.
428
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:40,120
[laughing]
429
00:23:42,440 --> 00:23:44,640
You've no sense
of a dramatic exit have you.
430
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:46,800
-Brake's stuck, sorry.
-Here y'are.
431
00:23:53,520 --> 00:23:56,360
I'd walk away from them if I could,
the play and everything,
432
00:23:56,440 --> 00:23:58,600
if it meant I weren't walking
towards prison.
433
00:23:58,680 --> 00:24:02,800
-Thanks a lot.
-No offence, it's just...
434
00:24:02,880 --> 00:24:05,560
Well, we've got a few rivals inside
at the moment, y'know.
435
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:08,280
Wouldn't be much of a holiday for me.
436
00:24:08,360 --> 00:24:10,240
I could tell them I pushed her.
437
00:24:10,320 --> 00:24:12,960
-[Terry] No.
-She'd let us back into the building.
438
00:24:13,040 --> 00:24:16,640
-She wouldn't, she's an evil bitch.
-That must be destroyed!
439
00:24:16,720 --> 00:24:18,080
-Steady on.
-Sorry.
440
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:20,520
We could find somewhere else
to put the play on.
441
00:24:20,600 --> 00:24:22,440
And keep Micky out of Sing Sing.
442
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:23,800
Where?
443
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:28,280
You two are all over each other
like tics on a tramps vest.
444
00:24:28,360 --> 00:24:29,560
What's the secret?
445
00:24:29,640 --> 00:24:32,000
We've discovered the secret to happiness.
446
00:24:32,080 --> 00:24:33,440
White wine and night nurse?
447
00:24:33,520 --> 00:24:36,360
[Mimi] Doing something together
that we both enjoy.
448
00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:39,720
-[Billy] D'you fancy doing it again?
-Tonight? [chuckles]
449
00:24:39,800 --> 00:24:41,680
[kiss]
450
00:24:41,760 --> 00:24:43,880
Y'know I'm only using the play as a ruse.
451
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:45,600
-Oh yeah?
-Yeah.
452
00:24:45,680 --> 00:24:47,200
I'm training 'em up aren't I?
453
00:24:47,280 --> 00:24:51,360
Think about it.
They'll be the best drug dealers.
454
00:24:51,440 --> 00:24:54,680
They're methodical, practical,
they won't use the produce
455
00:24:54,760 --> 00:24:58,440
and the best thing is...
the filth won't suspect them.
456
00:24:58,520 --> 00:24:59,760
Look at 'em.
457
00:25:02,080 --> 00:25:04,040
What's this? Attack of the--
458
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:07,080
-[Frank screams]
-[Ray] Bollocks! You smelly old tramp.
459
00:25:07,160 --> 00:25:09,440
It's time we started standing up
for ourselves.
460
00:25:10,760 --> 00:25:13,000
Fucking set of-- [screaming]
461
00:25:15,080 --> 00:25:19,040
Before you say owt
I know they're going to kill me, one day.
462
00:25:19,920 --> 00:25:22,640
It's not you I'm worried about,
it's your baby.
463
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,160
[laughing]
464
00:25:24,240 --> 00:25:26,120
Your baby doesn't have a choice.
465
00:25:27,200 --> 00:25:29,520
I'm not pregnant sweetheart!
466
00:25:29,600 --> 00:25:32,840
Trapped wind
and a little bit of heartburn.
467
00:25:32,920 --> 00:25:36,480
Always going to the toilet.
You're having a baby.
468
00:25:37,680 --> 00:25:38,920
[Micky] Great news.
469
00:25:40,280 --> 00:25:41,560
Great news.
470
00:25:42,200 --> 00:25:46,280
Jamie has said that we can rehearse
and put the show on in here, providing...
471
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:49,880
you lot run a few errands for him...
472
00:25:51,520 --> 00:25:52,520
Ten pound each yeah?
473
00:25:53,160 --> 00:25:55,320
And we'll invite heads from the council,
474
00:25:55,400 --> 00:25:58,280
see if we can get a bit of funding
and we can open our own centre
475
00:25:58,360 --> 00:26:02,240
right here in the Chatsworth! [laughing]
476
00:26:05,400 --> 00:26:10,360
-Or somewhere else?
-[all cheering]
477
00:26:10,440 --> 00:26:12,160
Now come on you band of biffers!
478
00:26:12,240 --> 00:26:16,880
-[all] Fuck off! Wanker!
479
00:26:19,440 --> 00:26:21,960
-[Kelly] D'ya think this is gonna work.
-It has to.
480
00:26:22,040 --> 00:26:24,880
Not just for mi' freedom but also...
481
00:26:24,960 --> 00:26:28,160
to show those snide fuckers round here,
always taking the piss.
482
00:26:31,440 --> 00:26:35,640
[hammering]
483
00:26:39,040 --> 00:26:40,800
[laughing]
484
00:26:48,200 --> 00:26:51,840
-You sure about this?
-Yes!
485
00:26:51,920 --> 00:26:56,800
But in the Bible,
Joseph didn't saw anyone in half.
486
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:58,800
It's artistic license.
487
00:26:58,880 --> 00:27:01,760
It doesn't say
that he didn't saw anyone in half.
488
00:27:01,840 --> 00:27:06,360
And he was a joiner,
so he'd have had saws and shit
489
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:08,080
and maybe a bit of curiosity.
490
00:27:09,040 --> 00:27:10,480
[Micky] Trust me.
491
00:27:10,560 --> 00:27:12,160
[sawing, hammering]
492
00:27:13,320 --> 00:27:14,720
It's a boy.
493
00:27:16,520 --> 00:27:18,080
I'm not pregnant.
494
00:27:18,160 --> 00:27:21,720
The ring never lies. It's a boy.
495
00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:25,440
My husband is infertile.
496
00:27:25,520 --> 00:27:26,720
Oh...
497
00:27:29,120 --> 00:27:30,680
S'funny.
498
00:27:30,760 --> 00:27:33,720
But if you've only been having sex
with your husband...
499
00:27:42,920 --> 00:27:45,400
Guess this isn't just
about the paint on my carpet?
500
00:27:50,520 --> 00:27:53,480
[Lillian] Want a bit of help, sweetheart?
501
00:27:53,560 --> 00:27:54,480
Cost you.
502
00:27:55,280 --> 00:27:57,680
What happened to the milk
of human kindness?
503
00:27:57,760 --> 00:28:00,000
Ohh... turned to cheese.
504
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:02,440
Twenty quid an hour,
get all the help you need.
505
00:28:02,520 --> 00:28:06,320
One part white spirit, two parts water'll
shift that in next to no time.
506
00:28:07,160 --> 00:28:08,560
[sighs]
507
00:28:10,080 --> 00:28:13,320
[phone rings]
508
00:28:13,400 --> 00:28:14,880
[phone beeps]
509
00:28:17,320 --> 00:28:21,040
OK I'm not a big believer in miracles,
especially not round here
510
00:28:21,120 --> 00:28:23,920
so we can rule out
another immaculate conception
511
00:28:25,520 --> 00:28:28,040
-and Shane's infertile...
-[Kelly scoffs]
512
00:28:30,840 --> 00:28:32,320
It's Marty...
513
00:28:35,320 --> 00:28:37,160
You never go bareback?
514
00:28:37,240 --> 00:28:39,720
It wasn't business...
it was more than that.
515
00:28:40,600 --> 00:28:41,520
Are you sure--
516
00:28:41,600 --> 00:28:43,520
What happens when all turns to shit?
517
00:28:44,800 --> 00:28:46,000
[sobs]
518
00:28:46,080 --> 00:28:47,680
What am I gonna do?
519
00:28:47,760 --> 00:28:50,240
-We can sort this--
-I'm not getting rid of it.
520
00:28:51,160 --> 00:28:54,360
[Kelly] This is all we've... me and Shane,
521
00:28:54,440 --> 00:28:57,200
it's all we've ever wanted...
522
00:28:57,280 --> 00:28:59,320
-And...
-[phone ringing]
523
00:28:59,400 --> 00:29:00,280
[Kelly sobs]
524
00:29:00,360 --> 00:29:02,440
[sighs]
525
00:29:02,520 --> 00:29:03,680
I can't tell him.
526
00:29:05,440 --> 00:29:08,080
-You're gonna have to tell him something.
-I can't!
527
00:29:08,160 --> 00:29:10,320
He's gonna find out sooner or later.
528
00:29:11,160 --> 00:29:13,760
[sniffles]
529
00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,040
[upbeat music]
530
00:29:17,120 --> 00:29:20,000
[indistinct chatter, laughter]
531
00:29:21,400 --> 00:29:22,720
[laughing]
532
00:29:31,160 --> 00:29:33,840
[laughing]
533
00:29:37,120 --> 00:29:39,520
[laughing]
534
00:29:41,440 --> 00:29:44,080
[Avril] Watch yourself Rain Man!
535
00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:46,920
-What d'ya think?
-Perfect!
536
00:29:48,320 --> 00:29:51,400
[hammering]
537
00:29:52,760 --> 00:29:55,200
-What?
-Why don't you just talk to Terry.
538
00:29:57,040 --> 00:29:58,920
I know he likes you.
539
00:29:59,000 --> 00:30:00,240
It's not that easy...
540
00:30:00,320 --> 00:30:03,160
It was alright for you to barge
in to the bogs and offer me a gob-job.
541
00:30:03,240 --> 00:30:05,080
That was just sex.
542
00:30:05,160 --> 00:30:06,560
It's different with Terry...
543
00:30:06,640 --> 00:30:08,040
I don't know what I feel.
544
00:30:10,600 --> 00:30:13,720
Sometimes it's hard to tell someone
what's really going on.
545
00:30:15,600 --> 00:30:18,160
-[Shane] Hey I've been ringing you.
-Oh right,
546
00:30:18,240 --> 00:30:20,400
mi' phone's been on silent for rehearsals.
547
00:30:20,480 --> 00:30:22,960
-Have you finished?
-No! We've only just started.
548
00:30:23,040 --> 00:30:25,240
I've got a job on. You gonna be alright?
549
00:30:25,320 --> 00:30:27,760
I can't take her with me, it's too
dangerous.
550
00:30:27,840 --> 00:30:31,120
-[Cilla crying]
-[Shane] She can be the baby Jesus.
551
00:30:31,200 --> 00:30:33,120
[Cilla cooing]
552
00:30:34,400 --> 00:30:38,000
-[electric buzz]
-[Christmas song playing]
553
00:30:38,080 --> 00:30:41,480
My only concern now
is getting a crowd in to see it,
554
00:30:41,560 --> 00:30:43,240
an audience you know.
555
00:30:43,320 --> 00:30:46,000
[Micky] Who's gonna wanna come
and see this lot do the Nativity
556
00:30:46,080 --> 00:30:47,880
when it's not even Christmas?
557
00:30:47,960 --> 00:30:51,200
Why can't it be Christmas?
Tills are always bursting.
558
00:30:51,280 --> 00:30:52,880
I love Christmas!
559
00:30:59,200 --> 00:31:00,720
[suspenseful music]
560
00:31:09,800 --> 00:31:10,760
[thud]
561
00:31:12,280 --> 00:31:13,760
[Mimi shouts]
562
00:31:13,840 --> 00:31:15,440
[Billy] I'm sorry. Y'alright?!
563
00:31:15,520 --> 00:31:17,360
[Mimi] No. Twisted mi' knee.
564
00:31:17,440 --> 00:31:21,600
[in pain] It needs support,
I need a bandage...
565
00:31:24,160 --> 00:31:25,720
[crying]
566
00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:26,840
Ow!
567
00:31:34,280 --> 00:31:35,440
Owww!
568
00:31:35,520 --> 00:31:37,120
I'm sorry!
569
00:31:37,200 --> 00:31:38,440
[Billy] Will it be OK?
570
00:31:43,480 --> 00:31:45,000
'It hasn't got an alarm'.
571
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:49,880
Instead it has a private security company
with a direct link to the filth
572
00:31:49,960 --> 00:31:52,160
-perfect!
-They'll send me down for this. I know it!
573
00:31:52,240 --> 00:31:55,160
-Oh grow up.
-I can't go to prison. I'm too young!
574
00:31:55,240 --> 00:31:59,600
We'll get our brief on to it,
be away on some technicality, don't worry.
575
00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:01,280
But what if we don't?
576
00:32:01,360 --> 00:32:04,760
I'll pack you some lube.
Pretty boy like you...
577
00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:16,280
Dozy bastard.
578
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:28,640
[siren]
579
00:32:34,040 --> 00:32:37,520
-We should've gone back to the car.
-He'd have seen us.
580
00:32:38,120 --> 00:32:40,720
[Billy] Ring Shane or someone,
ask 'em to pick us up.
581
00:32:40,800 --> 00:32:42,120
Where's your phone?
582
00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:44,800
In the car. Where's your phone?
583
00:32:44,880 --> 00:32:46,840
[sighs] In the car.
584
00:32:49,160 --> 00:32:51,120
Fuck! What're we gonna do?
585
00:32:51,760 --> 00:32:53,120
I dunno.
586
00:32:54,360 --> 00:32:56,000
Paddy'd know what to do.
587
00:32:56,080 --> 00:32:59,120
He would, one clever fuck that one,
588
00:32:59,200 --> 00:33:02,760
great under pressure,
always thinking on his feet you know.
589
00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:06,200
That's the answer to our problems then!
Do a seance and ask Paddy what to do.
590
00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:09,400
[Billy exhales]
591
00:33:12,400 --> 00:33:13,280
Sorry.
592
00:33:15,120 --> 00:33:16,480
No, I'm sorry.
593
00:33:18,040 --> 00:33:20,120
Right, we can't get a cab,
594
00:33:20,200 --> 00:33:23,480
we can't hitch a lift,
not with these so...
595
00:33:23,560 --> 00:33:24,800
We'll walk.
596
00:33:24,880 --> 00:33:26,200
We can't, it's too risky.
597
00:33:26,280 --> 00:33:29,680
Filth are looking for us.
We need somewhere to lay low til morning.
598
00:33:43,320 --> 00:33:45,600
We shouldn't be doing this.
599
00:33:45,680 --> 00:33:49,080
-It's a church.
-Hardly.
600
00:33:49,160 --> 00:33:51,000
[Mimi] It's one of God's houses.
601
00:33:51,080 --> 00:33:53,760
[Bully] Hasn't paid his council tax
by looks of it.
602
00:33:53,840 --> 00:33:55,840
That's blasphemous.
603
00:33:55,920 --> 00:33:58,600
What? It's alright to break
into offices and nick stuff,
604
00:33:58,680 --> 00:34:01,520
but it's not alright to walk
into an unlocked church?
605
00:34:01,600 --> 00:34:03,800
I've got morals.
606
00:34:03,880 --> 00:34:08,120
[sighs] Don't look
like it's in use now anyway. Come on.
607
00:34:08,199 --> 00:34:09,400
[clang]
608
00:34:09,480 --> 00:34:11,400
-[Mimi] What you doing?
-[Billy] Looking.
609
00:34:11,480 --> 00:34:14,960
-[Mimi] For what?
-[Billy] A saw or summat to get these off.
610
00:34:15,040 --> 00:34:18,120
[Mimi]
Oh yeah, always get a saw in a church.
611
00:34:18,199 --> 00:34:20,920
Drink this, it's the blood of Christ,
this is his body
612
00:34:21,000 --> 00:34:22,719
and this is his saw.
613
00:34:22,800 --> 00:34:25,480
What's your big plan?
You're the brains of the outfit.
614
00:34:25,560 --> 00:34:27,560
I am the brains of the outfit.
615
00:34:27,639 --> 00:34:30,320
Well what am I then?
A piece of meat? A fuck machine?
616
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:35,159
Have a bit of respect.
Swearing in a place of worship!
617
00:34:36,400 --> 00:34:37,840
[Billy] I don't give a shit.
618
00:34:38,719 --> 00:34:40,080
Oh, hang on...
619
00:34:42,600 --> 00:34:43,639
[thud]
620
00:34:44,800 --> 00:34:46,480
Thank you, God.
621
00:34:48,920 --> 00:34:52,239
[helicopter flying]
622
00:34:52,320 --> 00:34:55,120
Copper chopper.
623
00:34:55,199 --> 00:34:56,480
Pigs will fly.
624
00:34:56,560 --> 00:34:59,000
-Come on, hurry up.
-I'm going as fast as I can.
625
00:34:59,080 --> 00:35:03,440
-We'll be be here forever at this rate.
-It'd go quicker if I sawed your wrist.
626
00:35:03,520 --> 00:35:06,080
-You're going to hell, you.
-What, and you're not?
627
00:35:06,160 --> 00:35:11,160
I pray, I repent, I go to confession.
628
00:35:11,240 --> 00:35:13,120
I don't get why you believe
in all that shit.
629
00:35:13,200 --> 00:35:15,560
After everything I've been through?
630
00:35:22,440 --> 00:35:25,560
I have to believe my dead children
are in a better place
631
00:35:25,640 --> 00:35:30,560
because if I thought that this was it,
that life was just this,
632
00:35:30,640 --> 00:35:32,920
with nothing at the end...
633
00:35:33,920 --> 00:35:35,880
then I'd just give up.
634
00:35:47,120 --> 00:35:48,880
[Billy] Maybe...
635
00:35:48,960 --> 00:35:53,640
you need to start looking at 'this'
a bit differently.
636
00:35:53,720 --> 00:35:55,440
That was then,
637
00:35:55,520 --> 00:35:57,640
this is now.
638
00:35:57,720 --> 00:36:00,880
You, me and Cilla...
639
00:36:10,480 --> 00:36:13,200
[sawing]
640
00:36:20,480 --> 00:36:23,680
-[Billy gasps]
-[both sigh]
641
00:36:24,440 --> 00:36:26,480
[helicopter flying]
642
00:36:28,280 --> 00:36:30,760
Kinda liked having you by mi' side.
643
00:36:31,520 --> 00:36:32,760
[exhales]
644
00:36:33,520 --> 00:36:35,560
Maybe we should make it more permanent...
645
00:36:35,640 --> 00:36:36,960
You having a laugh?
646
00:36:37,040 --> 00:36:39,640
No. Will you marry me?
647
00:36:47,400 --> 00:36:51,320
[chatter]
648
00:37:01,480 --> 00:37:02,880
[Micky] Everyone alright?
649
00:37:03,560 --> 00:37:05,880
How you doing? Nervous?
650
00:37:06,840 --> 00:37:08,640
I've still not had a shag!
651
00:37:08,720 --> 00:37:10,600
Who the fuck are you supposed to be?
652
00:37:11,760 --> 00:37:12,600
Inn Keeper.
653
00:37:13,320 --> 00:37:15,240
I've still not shagged a woman yet.
654
00:37:15,320 --> 00:37:17,480
What's with all the blue paint?
655
00:37:18,120 --> 00:37:20,400
[sighs] Oh I get it,
it's fucking Avatar innit?
656
00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:23,320
Avatar Inn Keeper!
657
00:37:23,400 --> 00:37:25,960
But... [sighs]
658
00:37:26,040 --> 00:37:27,480
never mind.
659
00:37:28,560 --> 00:37:31,960
Terry I just wanted to have a quick word
with you about the last scene.
660
00:37:32,040 --> 00:37:37,440
Now I know we've not rehearsed it
but Joseph should kiss Mary at the end.
661
00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:39,000
It's Lise's idea.
662
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:47,000
But in the Bible Mary
and Joseph don't kiss.
663
00:37:49,720 --> 00:37:51,600
But it doesn't say they didn't either.
664
00:37:51,680 --> 00:37:54,440
They probably did a lot more
besides kissing, I mean...
665
00:37:54,520 --> 00:37:57,320
you're up the duff
and it's not your husbands
666
00:37:57,400 --> 00:38:00,560
you're gonna have to do a bit more
than kissing to make him sweet aren't you?
667
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:01,480
[Micky] I mean...
668
00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:03,360
[gagging]
669
00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:05,120
[laughing] Think about it.
670
00:38:05,200 --> 00:38:08,720
Mary's giving Joseph a blow-job?
671
00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:13,400
No! Not in our play. After who knows?
But just a kiss for now?
672
00:38:15,800 --> 00:38:17,840
[exhales] Never mind.
673
00:38:22,320 --> 00:38:24,640
[Micky] Lise?
674
00:38:24,720 --> 00:38:28,160
I've just had a chat with Terry
and he's come up with this great idea
675
00:38:28,240 --> 00:38:31,200
that Mary and Joseph kiss at the end.
676
00:38:31,280 --> 00:38:32,880
All his idea.
677
00:38:37,760 --> 00:38:39,320
Like a dream.
678
00:38:39,400 --> 00:38:40,800
Call an ambulance!
679
00:38:40,880 --> 00:38:42,200
He's passed out.
680
00:38:42,280 --> 00:38:43,920
[Max] It must've been the paint!
681
00:38:44,000 --> 00:38:45,080
[laughing]
682
00:38:45,160 --> 00:38:47,760
[Carl] Don't worry Micky, leave him to us.
683
00:38:47,840 --> 00:38:50,400
[laughing]
684
00:38:50,480 --> 00:38:52,720
[Frank] You'll need
a new innkeeper now Micky.
685
00:38:52,800 --> 00:38:54,920
[Kelly] He's not gonna be doing the show.
686
00:38:55,000 --> 00:38:57,160
-What are you gonna do?
-Michael Maguire?
687
00:38:59,280 --> 00:39:02,280
-Depends.
-We spoke earlier. I'm from the council.
688
00:39:02,360 --> 00:39:05,240
-Brilliant! Innit?
-Oh yeah, great!
689
00:39:05,320 --> 00:39:08,720
We're so chuffed you could come,
you'll see what this group have done
690
00:39:08,800 --> 00:39:11,160
and maybe bung 'em a bit of cash
to get their own centre and that.
691
00:39:11,240 --> 00:39:12,800
[council man] I'm the Health
and Safety Executive
692
00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:15,560
here will be no public performance
on these premises.
693
00:39:15,640 --> 00:39:19,480
The set have to be fire-proofed,
there are no fire exit signs displayed,
694
00:39:19,560 --> 00:39:20,840
a risk of overcrowding...
695
00:39:20,920 --> 00:39:23,880
But this lot have got a performance
in less than an hour!
696
00:39:23,960 --> 00:39:26,000
Well, you have to cancel.
697
00:39:27,240 --> 00:39:30,560
Notification of intention to prosecute
if you fail to abide.
698
00:39:31,160 --> 00:39:32,400
Cancel.
699
00:39:33,480 --> 00:39:34,600
So that's that then.
700
00:39:34,680 --> 00:39:38,440
No stage, no Inn Keeper... no show.
701
00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:48,400
I've not worked my bollocks off
for nothing.
702
00:39:48,480 --> 00:39:49,920
[Micky] We are doing it.
703
00:39:54,520 --> 00:39:56,960
[people cheering]
704
00:39:58,560 --> 00:40:00,400
[donkey braying]
705
00:40:00,480 --> 00:40:04,240
[booing]
706
00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:08,640
[Frank] Bugger off,
can't you see it's the second coming?
707
00:40:12,600 --> 00:40:14,680
[chatter ends]
708
00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:21,280
All of the hotels,
and the pubs are all full.
709
00:40:21,360 --> 00:40:23,600
Man United must be playing!
710
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:28,880
This is the last Inn for miles.
711
00:40:34,800 --> 00:40:36,280
[knocking on door]
712
00:40:38,480 --> 00:40:42,320
[all laughing]
713
00:40:47,720 --> 00:40:52,480
Hello. My wife Mary is with child.
714
00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:56,240
We need a bed for the night.
715
00:40:56,320 --> 00:41:01,760
Do you have room at your Inn?
716
00:41:13,320 --> 00:41:14,400
[Lise] Go on.
717
00:41:21,360 --> 00:41:25,240
Do you have room at your Inn?
718
00:41:28,160 --> 00:41:29,240
Go on.
719
00:41:32,360 --> 00:41:35,000
We haven't got any room, I'm sorry.
720
00:41:36,960 --> 00:41:37,960
Gutted.
721
00:41:41,760 --> 00:41:43,440
I tell you what though.
722
00:41:43,520 --> 00:41:44,880
[stutters]
723
00:41:45,800 --> 00:41:51,240
We've got a sort of stable round there.
You can have that if you want?
724
00:41:52,400 --> 00:41:53,960
Thank you sir.
725
00:41:54,040 --> 00:41:56,960
Thank you for your kindness.
726
00:41:57,040 --> 00:41:58,240
Nice one.
727
00:42:02,720 --> 00:42:06,840
[all cheering]
728
00:42:06,920 --> 00:42:09,040
[applause, cheering]
729
00:42:14,560 --> 00:42:15,920
[knocking on door]
730
00:42:16,000 --> 00:42:17,720
I've already told you,
we haven't got any room.
731
00:42:17,800 --> 00:42:20,600
-[Mimi] The bizzies are after us.
-[Micky] Get in.
732
00:42:20,680 --> 00:42:25,000
[both laughing]
733
00:42:25,080 --> 00:42:28,000
[people cheering]
734
00:42:28,080 --> 00:42:30,160
[Billy] Will you marry me?
735
00:42:34,800 --> 00:42:40,520
[Lise screaming in pain]
736
00:42:41,200 --> 00:42:42,240
[Kelly screaming]
737
00:42:42,320 --> 00:42:46,360
It's like squeezing a bowling ball
through the eye of a fucking needle!
738
00:42:46,440 --> 00:42:48,480
-[exhaling]
-Hardly.
739
00:42:48,560 --> 00:42:51,200
[all] Ohh!
740
00:42:53,240 --> 00:42:55,360
[applause]
741
00:42:56,560 --> 00:42:59,040
I'm not going to the hospital
'til I've got a shag!
742
00:42:59,120 --> 00:43:00,880
Don't look at me.
743
00:43:00,960 --> 00:43:02,520
Or me.
744
00:43:04,920 --> 00:43:07,160
[electronic music]
745
00:43:07,240 --> 00:43:11,400
[all singing]
746
00:43:31,400 --> 00:43:33,320
[Micky] There is magic everywhere.
747
00:43:33,400 --> 00:43:36,880
But only if you believe.
That's what people say, innit?
748
00:43:36,960 --> 00:43:38,200
You know they type of people.
749
00:43:38,280 --> 00:43:41,240
They go on about star signs,
angels and shit.
750
00:43:41,320 --> 00:43:45,400
You have DVD boxsets of Friends
and they cry at greeting cards.
751
00:43:45,480 --> 00:43:47,360
But they're usually single.
752
00:43:47,440 --> 00:43:49,760
You won't find magic with a bunch
of weekend hippies
753
00:43:49,840 --> 00:43:52,000
at Glastonbury squatting on lay-lines.
754
00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:55,880
Oh yeah, they've all got henna tattoos
and a set of crystals.
755
00:43:55,960 --> 00:43:59,800
♪ Somewhere ♪
756
00:44:00,400 --> 00:44:03,720
[Micky] You want real magic,
you go to Creamfields with a spliff,
757
00:44:03,800 --> 00:44:07,040
a bag of pills in one hand,
bag of mushrooms in the other.
758
00:44:07,120 --> 00:44:11,760
♪ We'll find a way of forgiving ♪
759
00:44:13,560 --> 00:44:15,480
[cheering]
760
00:44:21,160 --> 00:44:24,000
That was alright, that. For a dickhead.
761
00:44:24,080 --> 00:44:26,480
[Micky] The real secret is,
762
00:44:26,560 --> 00:44:29,560
you have to work hard for magic.
763
00:44:29,640 --> 00:44:31,600
It's not handed to you on a plate.
764
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:36,560
The universe dun't give a flying fuck
about your pissy little existence.
765
00:44:38,600 --> 00:44:39,760
Mam!
766
00:44:47,080 --> 00:44:52,160
[Micky] Close the book, stop chanting,
ringing your bells and open your eyes.
767
00:44:52,240 --> 00:44:55,440
You want magic?
Make it fucking happen then!
768
00:44:55,520 --> 00:44:59,840
[all singing]
769
00:45:03,040 --> 00:45:05,800
Billy Tutton is doing me the honour
of making me his wife.
770
00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:08,760
A match made
in Jeremy Kyle ratings heaven.
771
00:45:08,840 --> 00:45:10,880
-I didn't get rid of it.
-Shane loves kids.
772
00:45:10,960 --> 00:45:12,160
I've moved on.
773
00:45:12,240 --> 00:45:14,920
-[thud]
-Are you going to him?
774
00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:16,160
There is no one.
775
00:45:16,240 --> 00:45:18,600
Pack whatever possessions
you've accumulated in your tender years
776
00:45:18,680 --> 00:45:20,720
and you fuck off as far away
from our mum as possible.
777
00:45:20,800 --> 00:45:23,320
If you want to get rid of me,
you'll have to do it your way.
778
00:45:23,400 --> 00:45:24,640
[Jamie] Grab him!
779
00:45:26,440 --> 00:45:28,800
You'll learn to love me again,
I know you will.
780
00:45:32,160 --> 00:45:33,840
[grunting]
781
00:45:33,920 --> 00:45:36,360
[outro music]
782
00:46:12,520 --> 00:46:14,440
[music fades out]
783
00:46:14,520 --> 00:46:17,560
And then we put the egg in, like so.
784
00:46:18,760 --> 00:46:21,560
And then we say the magic words.
785
00:46:21,640 --> 00:46:25,360
Fish and chippingtons! [laughing]
786
00:46:26,960 --> 00:46:28,160
A better look...
787
00:46:32,080 --> 00:46:36,160
It's not worked, but...
You have a go [chuckles]
788
00:46:38,040 --> 00:46:41,640
[hen clucking]
789
00:46:44,080 --> 00:46:45,400
[Micky grunts]
790
00:46:45,480 --> 00:46:49,320
[hen clucking]
791
00:46:49,400 --> 00:46:50,560
[hen shrieks]
792
00:46:50,640 --> 00:46:52,920
[laughing]
58681
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