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1
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:06,600
-[tapping]
-[intro music]
2
00:00:06,680 --> 00:00:11,360
Anyone watching, thinking we know fuck all
about knowing fuck all about owt,
3
00:00:11,440 --> 00:00:13,480
needs to watch their back. [cries out]
4
00:00:13,560 --> 00:00:16,600
So, you've had your Labour,
reclassifying skunk,
5
00:00:16,680 --> 00:00:18,360
sending prices sky high,
6
00:00:18,440 --> 00:00:22,240
literally, literally taking the grass
from its own roots.
7
00:00:22,320 --> 00:00:25,080
And now you've got your con-dem-nation.
8
00:00:25,160 --> 00:00:28,480
Liberals noshing Tories
like altar boys picking dimps up.
9
00:00:28,560 --> 00:00:32,320
Have we had
a national fucking stroke or what?
10
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:36,320
Is revolution a word or was it never?
11
00:00:36,400 --> 00:00:38,720
Anybody watching needs to know
12
00:00:38,800 --> 00:00:42,160
we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
13
00:00:42,240 --> 00:00:45,480
Well, for fuck's sake,
we live in Manchester
14
00:00:45,560 --> 00:00:48,240
and they charge us for water!
15
00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:53,560
I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found,
16
00:00:53,640 --> 00:00:56,760
this green and pleasant land
in ancient times...
17
00:00:56,840 --> 00:00:59,360
Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!
18
00:00:59,440 --> 00:01:02,640
It's not theirs anymore.
19
00:01:02,720 --> 00:01:05,160
-This is our England now.
-[cheering]
20
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Party!
21
00:01:07,680 --> 00:01:09,120
[intro music]
22
00:01:10,520 --> 00:01:11,880
[intro music fades]
23
00:01:15,200 --> 00:01:18,640
[Kelly] The first throes of love
are all about passion.
24
00:01:19,680 --> 00:01:23,720
Eyes, hands, lips, limbs, kisses,
25
00:01:23,800 --> 00:01:27,640
I love yous and promises
of never-ending devotion.
26
00:01:29,520 --> 00:01:33,000
Burning to memory
every nook and cranny of that face,
27
00:01:33,080 --> 00:01:35,880
that body, drowning in each other,
28
00:01:35,960 --> 00:01:38,120
getting your fill,
getting more than your fill,
29
00:01:38,200 --> 00:01:42,400
that thirst you can never really quench,
no matter how much you try.
30
00:01:42,480 --> 00:01:44,600
And fuck knows we try, don't we?
31
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:46,080
[Kelly pants]
32
00:01:46,160 --> 00:01:49,800
I read in some mag,
in a waiting room years back, that,
33
00:01:49,880 --> 00:01:52,760
if you put a coin in a jar
every time you made love
34
00:01:52,840 --> 00:01:55,600
in the first three years
of your relationship,
35
00:01:55,680 --> 00:01:58,560
then took one out every time you did it
after three years...
36
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,680
Yeah, yeah!
37
00:02:00,760 --> 00:02:04,000
...you'd never ever, ever, ever...
38
00:02:04,080 --> 00:02:05,760
Yeah, yeah!
39
00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:07,240
...be able to empty it.
40
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:08,440
-[Kelly screams]
-[Shane pants]
41
00:02:08,520 --> 00:02:11,280
-[Marty pants]
-[Shane pants]
42
00:02:12,080 --> 00:02:15,400
["Time (The Revelator)"
by Gillian Welch playing]
43
00:02:22,280 --> 00:02:23,960
[music fades out]
44
00:02:28,880 --> 00:02:30,240
Cum again and soon.
45
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,920
Not too soon though, eh, tiger?
46
00:02:33,000 --> 00:02:34,680
Give me some time to recover.
47
00:02:36,440 --> 00:02:37,960
[Kelly growls]
48
00:02:39,160 --> 00:02:40,560
-Dickhead.
-He's tipped you?
49
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:41,680
He thinks he made me cum.
50
00:02:41,760 --> 00:02:43,800
Screams were almost convincing.
51
00:02:43,880 --> 00:02:45,160
The yelps helped.
52
00:02:45,240 --> 00:02:47,160
I had cramp. Came in handy.
53
00:02:47,240 --> 00:02:48,320
I can spot a fake a mile off.
54
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,800
Well, I guess you've pulled
a few in your time.
55
00:02:50,880 --> 00:02:52,280
Didn't need to.
56
00:02:52,360 --> 00:02:54,640
[Lillian] My Brendan were gifted
in the trouser department.
57
00:02:54,720 --> 00:02:57,080
When he stripped off
put me in mind of a tripod.
58
00:02:57,160 --> 00:02:58,240
[door opening]
59
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,040
-Any chance of you finishing early?
-We've got a stag do in any minute now.
60
00:03:03,840 --> 00:03:06,800
I'd leave the girls to it but we need
all hands on deck for this one.
61
00:03:06,880 --> 00:03:08,280
Lillian just took a call
62
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:10,280
and the lads've been chewing Viagra
since they left Burnley.
63
00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:12,960
They won't walk in,
they'll be pole vaulting.
64
00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:14,000
No worries.
65
00:03:15,040 --> 00:03:16,640
I'll catch you later then, okay?
66
00:03:17,960 --> 00:03:20,120
He knows that you're lying.
67
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:23,320
Orgasms aren't the only thing
I'm good at faking.
68
00:03:23,400 --> 00:03:24,480
He hasn't got a clue.
69
00:03:25,880 --> 00:03:28,440
-Don't know what's wrong with her lately.
-I do.
70
00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:37,160
-[mumbles] It's too small.
-It'll keep the wind off your back.
71
00:03:37,240 --> 00:03:39,560
Yeah and give me
twatting frostbite at the front.
72
00:03:41,240 --> 00:03:42,760
[Micky sighs]
73
00:03:42,840 --> 00:03:46,160
-I'll look like a fucking nutter.
-But you are a fucking nutter.
74
00:03:46,240 --> 00:03:47,200
Take no notice.
75
00:03:47,280 --> 00:03:49,400
[Micky] Look, beggars can't be choosers.
76
00:03:49,480 --> 00:03:50,800
As soon as you get a few bob rolling in,
77
00:03:50,880 --> 00:03:54,280
it's me and you straight down to Primani
for a proper makeover.
78
00:03:54,360 --> 00:03:56,960
But until then,
it's our Shane's cast-offs.
79
00:03:57,040 --> 00:03:59,920
-It suits you.
-Yeah, it looks... nice.
80
00:04:00,000 --> 00:04:03,680
-It's pink and it smells of perfume.
-Only real men can wear pink.
81
00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,120
-[Micky] And it's aftershave that.
-This is a bird's fluffy jumper.
82
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:07,200
Angora.
83
00:04:07,880 --> 00:04:10,920
-He's allergic to manmade.
-It's got tit shapes in it.
84
00:04:11,000 --> 00:04:13,280
-Must've been me mam's.
-You need to try it on.
85
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,160
[Marty chuckles nervously]
86
00:04:20,040 --> 00:04:21,000
Ah!
87
00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:23,560
You look lovely.
88
00:04:24,680 --> 00:04:26,680
None of it fits! Right?
89
00:04:26,760 --> 00:04:30,120
[Marty] I can't survive much longer
on two pairs of socks, three T-shirts
90
00:04:30,200 --> 00:04:32,120
-and a pair of undies.
-Just one pair?
91
00:04:33,040 --> 00:04:35,080
-Huh-uh.
-I wish I'd known that sooner.
92
00:04:36,360 --> 00:04:38,560
[sighs] I'm only on a tea break.
93
00:04:39,640 --> 00:04:40,960
Laters.
94
00:04:44,680 --> 00:04:47,600
Look, just go commando
whilst they wash and dry, hey.
95
00:04:47,680 --> 00:04:49,920
-Ready for action.
-[blurting out] Homo! Sorry.
96
00:04:50,880 --> 00:04:52,320
I can't, I'll chafe.
97
00:04:57,560 --> 00:05:00,400
It was only going go on a bottle
of baby oil and some poppers.
98
00:05:05,960 --> 00:05:07,920
You've been a pal to me, Micky.
99
00:05:08,000 --> 00:05:09,800
And if I were queer,
I'd bum you here and now.
100
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:11,160
Thanks, Marty.
101
00:05:13,280 --> 00:05:16,000
You're going to make someone
a lovely wife! Partner one day.
102
00:05:16,640 --> 00:05:19,040
But I've got to stand up
on me own two feet.
103
00:05:19,120 --> 00:05:21,920
I need cash, so I'll have to do a job.
104
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:24,160
Get a job.
105
00:05:26,720 --> 00:05:27,880
[hysterical scream]
106
00:05:27,960 --> 00:05:31,320
[Marty] Everybody get down! Shut up.
107
00:05:31,400 --> 00:05:35,800
[Marty] Shut your... This is a fuck up!
Shut the fuck up this is a stick up!
108
00:05:35,880 --> 00:05:37,920
[Marty] Rectal prolapse!
109
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:39,320
[alarm blaring]
110
00:05:39,400 --> 00:05:41,480
[Marty] Gimme the money, gimme the money!
111
00:05:45,120 --> 00:05:49,240
-[woman] Wicked evil!
-[Marty] Fuck off! Fuck off!
112
00:05:49,320 --> 00:05:50,560
[gunshot]
113
00:05:50,640 --> 00:05:53,680
-[all laughing]
-[Shane] Sit down, wait till you see this.
114
00:05:53,760 --> 00:05:56,360
-It's class!
-Come on, you're in my seat.
115
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,360
[Mimi] Soon have you smiling again, girl!
116
00:06:00,440 --> 00:06:02,960
-[Billy laughs]
-[TV news plays]
117
00:06:03,040 --> 00:06:05,680
[Billy and Shane laugh]
118
00:06:08,640 --> 00:06:13,800
-[Mimi] Isn't that the shittest--
-Crappest robber you have ever seen?
119
00:06:13,880 --> 00:06:17,120
-How much did he get away with?
-Enough for some chips and a taxi home!
120
00:06:17,200 --> 00:06:19,600
-[Mimi laughs]
-[Billy] Fucking shame of it!
121
00:06:19,680 --> 00:06:23,440
-[everybody laughing]
-[melancholy music]
122
00:06:24,560 --> 00:06:27,720
[Mimi laughs hysterically]
123
00:06:27,800 --> 00:06:29,840
[laughing continues]
124
00:06:31,760 --> 00:06:33,040
D'you know who that was?
125
00:06:35,120 --> 00:06:35,960
C'mon, you know.
126
00:06:36,960 --> 00:06:39,000
I don't know. So...
127
00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,200
-why don't you tell me?
-Marty.
128
00:06:43,280 --> 00:06:45,000
-How'd you know?
-He was wearing my old coat.
129
00:06:45,080 --> 00:06:47,800
Not his style, is it?
Armed robbery, not the coat.
130
00:06:47,880 --> 00:06:50,040
[Shane] I don't know him enough
to know his fucking style is.
131
00:06:50,120 --> 00:06:52,000
What do I know is
it's only a matter of time
132
00:06:52,080 --> 00:06:54,960
before the filth get their shit together
and clock it's him.
133
00:06:55,040 --> 00:06:56,680
-And?
-Arrest him.
134
00:06:58,280 --> 00:07:00,240
-You're not arsed?
-He's a punter, Shane.
135
00:07:01,920 --> 00:07:04,280
Offering a ten-grand reward
for somebody to grass him up.
136
00:07:04,360 --> 00:07:07,080
If he's daft enough
to threaten people with a gun,
137
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:08,760
he deserves grassing up.
138
00:07:08,840 --> 00:07:10,960
It's deposit on a house that,
you know, ten grand.
139
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,480
-Maguires don't grass.
-Hmm.
140
00:07:18,560 --> 00:07:22,040
-Fucking stupid though, weren't it?
-Well, he is fucking stupid.
141
00:07:22,640 --> 00:07:26,120
[screams] Aren't you? I said, aren't you?
142
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,960
What the fuck was I supposed to do?
143
00:07:29,040 --> 00:07:32,040
I'm here, skint,
I can't work, I can't sign on.
144
00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:35,400
What, in case the police catch you
for non-payment of maintenance, you mean?
145
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:39,200
As opposed to armed fucking robbery,
you gormless twat!
146
00:07:39,280 --> 00:07:40,840
-I needed money!
-[Kelly] Then ask!
147
00:07:41,760 --> 00:07:45,520
Don't go holding up Post Offices
with fucking guns!
148
00:07:46,280 --> 00:07:49,960
You could've killed someone, some...
poor bastard collecting their pension.
149
00:07:50,720 --> 00:07:53,920
You could've got killed yourself
and then what would I have done?
150
00:07:57,720 --> 00:07:58,960
[Kelly] I mean...
151
00:07:59,040 --> 00:08:01,360
I mean,
how would I have explained that to Sue?
152
00:08:01,960 --> 00:08:03,160
Where'd you get the gun?
153
00:08:05,240 --> 00:08:08,120
They're stashed here! It's family stuff,
you know the score, Kel!
154
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,440
You keep him away from guns, you got that?
155
00:08:10,520 --> 00:08:12,880
-Guns and fucking matches!
-Sorry!
156
00:08:12,960 --> 00:08:15,000
It could bring a load of trouble and...
157
00:08:15,080 --> 00:08:18,280
[sobs] We've had enough. That... that gun,
158
00:08:18,360 --> 00:08:21,160
could be linked to Shane,
maybe and they'll...
159
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:26,200
[sad music]
160
00:08:35,159 --> 00:08:36,520
[Billy] You're looking lovely.
161
00:08:37,720 --> 00:08:40,440
You do, you look dead nice, like. Nice.
162
00:08:41,640 --> 00:08:44,560
Proper like... glowing, healthily.
163
00:08:46,520 --> 00:08:47,720
I was thinking...
164
00:08:47,800 --> 00:08:50,880
-do you want me to make tea tonight?
-What's going on?
165
00:08:50,960 --> 00:08:52,080
Why would anything be going on?
166
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,080
I was married longer
than you've been alive.
167
00:08:54,160 --> 00:08:56,600
And I know
that when a man's buttering you up
168
00:08:56,680 --> 00:09:00,920
with a string of compliments, it usually
means he's about to do one of two things.
169
00:09:01,000 --> 00:09:02,880
Confess or request.
170
00:09:02,960 --> 00:09:04,800
-Which is it?
-Er...
171
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:08,360
Don't lie!
If you've got something to say, say it.
172
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,040
-I've just--
-Speak!
173
00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:14,000
Well, now it's out in the open,
who Cilla's dad is,
174
00:09:14,080 --> 00:09:18,880
I was thinking if... if we could... well,
you know, when she's Christened,
175
00:09:19,600 --> 00:09:21,000
if we could give her a second name?
176
00:09:21,080 --> 00:09:25,000
You know, cos her mam gave her her first
name, her dad can give her her second.
177
00:09:25,600 --> 00:09:27,200
-What were you thinking of?
-Maureen.
178
00:09:27,280 --> 00:09:29,160
-Fuck off.
-What, it's my mam's name.
179
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:31,520
-She can keep it.
-[Billy scoffs] It's not fair, Mimi.
180
00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:36,360
You get to do everything and I just get
shit on by you, Shane, Jamie and Micky.
181
00:09:36,440 --> 00:09:39,040
-Okay.
-Always taking the piss out... out of me.
182
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,520
Did you just say okay then?
183
00:09:43,680 --> 00:09:45,000
On one condition.
184
00:09:46,160 --> 00:09:49,680
That you convert, come over to our side.
185
00:09:49,760 --> 00:09:51,880
You mean support Liverpool?
186
00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:55,560
I mean become a Catholic, you knobhead.
187
00:09:55,640 --> 00:09:56,920
Oh! Right. Yeah, yeah.
188
00:10:02,400 --> 00:10:04,760
[tense music]
189
00:10:10,520 --> 00:10:13,080
You've been named, Marty boy.
Armed robber at the Post Office.
190
00:10:13,160 --> 00:10:14,120
[Marty tuts]
191
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:18,680
Cuddly little Marty
with his funny little ways.
192
00:10:18,760 --> 00:10:21,040
-Wouldn't harm a fly, eh?
-[stammering] Fuck off.
193
00:10:21,120 --> 00:10:24,040
Terrify a gang of pensioners half to death
in a Post Office queue,
194
00:10:24,120 --> 00:10:26,680
yes, but... wouldn't harm a fly.
195
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:29,320
-Fuck off, Shane.
-Come on, I'm fucking wi' ya.
196
00:10:29,400 --> 00:10:31,600
You know what, I've been doing
a bit of research, mate.
197
00:10:31,680 --> 00:10:34,320
All you have to do is type in 'Arson'
198
00:10:35,680 --> 00:10:36,760
and 'Fuengerola'...
199
00:10:37,640 --> 00:10:39,720
and it's fucking amazing what pops up.
200
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,320
You know, it's funny you never mentioned
201
00:10:43,400 --> 00:10:46,400
that your wife
and kids died in a house fire.
202
00:10:47,360 --> 00:10:49,560
Anyone'd think you had something
to hide, mate.
203
00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:50,920
[Marty grunts nervously]
204
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,520
Save your breath, Marty,
you're going to need it.
205
00:10:53,600 --> 00:10:55,120
I've just called the filth.
206
00:10:56,560 --> 00:10:58,000
I've told them where you were.
207
00:10:58,720 --> 00:10:59,760
Run.
208
00:11:03,480 --> 00:11:04,320
[Shane] Run!
209
00:11:16,760 --> 00:11:19,080
I've got a few more cast-offs for Marty.
210
00:11:21,120 --> 00:11:24,880
I was dr... dragged out of bed last night
211
00:11:24,960 --> 00:11:29,800
by an armed copper with his gun
shoved half-way up me fucking nostril!
212
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:32,800
-What, family stuff?
-They were asking me where Marty was.
213
00:11:32,880 --> 00:11:36,400
I said, "I don't know",
and spent the next...
214
00:11:37,440 --> 00:11:41,520
nine hours
helping the police with their enquiries.
215
00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:44,000
Someone must've grassed.
216
00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:46,240
That'd be me.
217
00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:50,760
And since when
did you develop a conscience?
218
00:11:50,840 --> 00:11:54,640
When I found out Marty's wife
and kids died in an arson attack.
219
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:57,600
Spate of fires across Fuengerola.
220
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:01,840
Culprit never found.
But you got a fucking nutter out there
221
00:12:01,920 --> 00:12:06,200
that's got a history of that sort of stuff
and, well, one and one is two.
222
00:12:07,320 --> 00:12:11,000
-He killed them?
-Yep. Seems that way. [Shane tuts]
223
00:12:11,080 --> 00:12:13,080
I was thinking of a trip into town.
224
00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:16,640
Get you some new gear,
something to eat, eh?
225
00:12:16,720 --> 00:12:20,280
That ten grand you got for grassing
him up burning a hole in your pocket?
226
00:12:21,480 --> 00:12:22,600
It were anonymous.
227
00:12:23,840 --> 00:12:26,000
I'm booked solid all morning.
228
00:12:26,080 --> 00:12:29,440
-Who wants a fuck at this hour?
-You.
229
00:12:29,520 --> 00:12:30,920
Once upon a time.
230
00:12:33,840 --> 00:12:37,440
The thing is, I don't know anything
about God or religion, Father.
231
00:12:37,520 --> 00:12:38,760
He's C of E.
232
00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:41,440
Is he allowed to change sides, father?
233
00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:43,880
We don't really think of it as sides, now,
do we, Mimi?
234
00:12:43,960 --> 00:12:45,640
[Mimi chuckles]
235
00:12:45,720 --> 00:12:48,120
It'll be a lot of hard work
on your part, Billy.
236
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:51,360
You'll have to research
the faith, attend classes.
237
00:12:51,440 --> 00:12:53,200
He's not afraid of a bit of hard work.
238
00:12:53,280 --> 00:12:55,920
-It's for my daughter.
-And for you, too.
239
00:12:56,000 --> 00:12:56,920
[chuckles nervously]
240
00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:00,200
Front of the queue at the Pearly Gates
if you're a Catholic, eh, Father?
241
00:13:01,160 --> 00:13:03,680
We'll er... We'll keep it informal
for the time being.
242
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:04,840
Yeah.
243
00:13:04,920 --> 00:13:08,000
Look forward to getting to know you
as well as I know the rest of the family.
244
00:13:08,080 --> 00:13:10,840
-Lovely seeing you, father.
-And you, Mimi.
245
00:13:10,920 --> 00:13:13,160
-Take care.
-I will.
246
00:13:13,240 --> 00:13:14,800
See ya.
247
00:13:14,880 --> 00:13:16,120
-Micky.
-Father.
248
00:13:17,080 --> 00:13:18,600
[Mimi] Bye now!
249
00:13:20,960 --> 00:13:24,640
-What's he doing here? Has someone died?
-Billy's going to be a Catholic.
250
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:28,480
What the fuck for? It's shit! Thou shall
not do this, that and the other.
251
00:13:28,560 --> 00:13:30,120
And the guilt...
252
00:13:30,200 --> 00:13:32,440
Takes you about a week
to get over spilling your seed.
253
00:13:32,520 --> 00:13:35,760
-Stay proddy, man, much more fun.
-I'm doing it for Cilla.
254
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:37,600
You're doing it to get in with me mam.
255
00:13:37,680 --> 00:13:39,320
I'm doing it for my daughter, your sister.
256
00:13:39,400 --> 00:13:42,680
[Micky] She won't thank you.
If I was going to change, I'd go Muslim.
257
00:13:42,760 --> 00:13:46,280
Food's better and everything,
and all you've got to do is grow a beard.
258
00:13:46,360 --> 00:13:47,880
You won't even pass the exams,
you, anyway.
259
00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:50,480
-Why's that, then?
-Cos you're a thick cunt.
260
00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:57,200
[both grunting]
261
00:13:57,280 --> 00:13:58,320
Mam!
262
00:13:59,000 --> 00:14:02,960
-Mam!
-You, living room, now!
263
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:06,440
-It wasn't me!
-Don't have me saying it twice!
264
00:14:14,120 --> 00:14:16,520
No matter how hard I try,
265
00:14:16,600 --> 00:14:18,760
your lads are just gonna keep throwing it
back in my face.
266
00:14:18,840 --> 00:14:20,440
Nothing I do'll ever
be good enough for them.
267
00:14:20,520 --> 00:14:22,960
It's a lot for the to take on,
you being here.
268
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:24,240
[Mimi] Gonna take time.
269
00:14:25,040 --> 00:14:26,320
You can handle this.
270
00:14:26,920 --> 00:14:27,840
You're a tough lad.
271
00:14:28,560 --> 00:14:30,360
Made of sterner stuff than they know.
272
00:14:31,080 --> 00:14:32,480
-Aren't you?
-Yeah.
273
00:14:33,680 --> 00:14:36,600
Now, these spuds aren't going
to peel themselves, are they?
274
00:14:46,960 --> 00:14:48,320
Shane's here.
275
00:14:48,400 --> 00:14:50,320
I told you. Tell him I'm occupied.
276
00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:51,800
I did but he said he'd wait.
277
00:14:52,720 --> 00:14:55,280
Look, if you and him's got a problem,
sort it!
278
00:14:55,360 --> 00:14:57,840
Cos punters don't like looking
at a face like a smacked arse.
279
00:14:57,920 --> 00:14:59,240
They can get that at home.
280
00:15:00,240 --> 00:15:01,560
Give me a minute.
281
00:15:01,640 --> 00:15:03,880
Tell him I'm just tidying,
then send him up.
282
00:15:18,880 --> 00:15:22,360
The only time I see anything floral
is weddings, funerals
283
00:15:22,440 --> 00:15:24,720
and when you're trying
to keep me sweet after a fuck-up.
284
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,280
-By way of an apology?
-A fuck-up.
285
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:29,520
Yeah. A monumental fuck-up.
286
00:15:30,560 --> 00:15:32,320
You know, I've been...
287
00:15:32,400 --> 00:15:35,280
I've been that busy,
me mind's been preoccupied
288
00:15:35,360 --> 00:15:37,760
with a million
and one different things,
289
00:15:39,280 --> 00:15:41,800
and I've neglected the one thing
that I value most.
290
00:15:42,440 --> 00:15:43,520
I said thing, I don't...
291
00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:46,120
I mean you.
292
00:15:46,880 --> 00:15:47,920
[Shane] And I'm sorry.
293
00:15:53,080 --> 00:15:55,480
I know you've been distracted as well.
294
00:15:55,560 --> 00:15:57,480
-Hang on a minute--
-I don't blame you.
295
00:15:58,840 --> 00:16:00,000
I forced you away.
296
00:16:06,600 --> 00:16:10,840
[Kelly sighs heavily]
It takes two to tango... badly.
297
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:15,080
-We are good, us, y'know.
-We used to be.
298
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:16,640
We still are.
299
00:16:20,720 --> 00:16:22,040
Let's make a bit of time.
300
00:16:24,040 --> 00:16:25,000
Get away from here.
301
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,080
I want to be your husband again.
302
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:31,600
I love you, Kelly Maguire.
303
00:16:32,640 --> 00:16:34,120
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
304
00:16:36,920 --> 00:16:38,520
-Yeah?
-Yes.
305
00:16:39,240 --> 00:16:40,880
[emotive music]
306
00:16:42,640 --> 00:16:44,360
-Yeah?
-Yes!
307
00:16:53,760 --> 00:16:56,720
[women cheering]
308
00:16:56,800 --> 00:16:58,680
[woman] Yeah! Let's go!
309
00:16:59,640 --> 00:17:00,640
He's lovely, isn't he?
310
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:04,760
Wouldn't think that if you had
to spend as long as me looking at him.
311
00:17:04,839 --> 00:17:06,079
I meant Father Craig.
312
00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:07,920
So did I.
313
00:17:08,000 --> 00:17:12,520
Ever since Billy started his conversion
classes, we can't get rid of him.
314
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:15,680
-...and a Mars Bar.
-[both laugh]
315
00:17:15,760 --> 00:17:18,119
["Personal Jesus"
by Depeche Mode playing]
316
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:25,119
♪ Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who cares ♪
317
00:17:26,280 --> 00:17:28,319
[jeering]
318
00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:33,440
-[speaking inaudibly]
-♪ Your own personal Jesus ♪
319
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:39,440
♪ Someone to hear your prayers
Someone who's there ♪
320
00:17:39,520 --> 00:17:42,040
[cheering]
321
00:17:43,560 --> 00:17:45,520
♪ Reach out and touch faith ♪
322
00:17:51,600 --> 00:17:54,080
-Well, he can convert me any time.
-[Jamie] Oi!
323
00:17:54,680 --> 00:17:56,680
-I heard that.
-What?
324
00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,920
-What's got you smiling?
-Wouldn't you like to know!
325
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:06,720
The look of love,
little twinkle in the eye I can detect?
326
00:18:06,800 --> 00:18:09,080
-Come on, give ya brother a hug.
-[Jamie] Fuck off!
327
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:11,560
Sorted your differences, then?
328
00:18:12,720 --> 00:18:15,400
Never heard it called that before,
but we talked.
329
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:17,760
[Kelly clears her throat]
330
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:21,160
Toilets. Now!
331
00:18:26,560 --> 00:18:28,720
Look, I'm tired, that's all this is.
332
00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:30,480
I'm relieved your marriage
is back on track.
333
00:18:30,560 --> 00:18:32,680
I appreciate the concern,
334
00:18:32,760 --> 00:18:34,760
but we've never been close
and I'm not the sister type.
335
00:18:34,840 --> 00:18:36,280
I just wish I'd had someone to talk to
336
00:18:36,360 --> 00:18:38,720
when me and Jamie
were fucking ourselves over.
337
00:18:38,800 --> 00:18:41,760
We've had a rough few months.
Like I said, we've talked and we're okay.
338
00:18:41,840 --> 00:18:43,200
Good, I'm glad.
339
00:18:43,280 --> 00:18:45,040
Cos it'd be all too easy
to get hung up on someone
340
00:18:45,120 --> 00:18:46,760
who might let you down, wouldn't it?
341
00:18:47,680 --> 00:18:50,920
You know, someone who might offer
a bit of excitement short-term.
342
00:18:52,080 --> 00:18:53,120
But long-term?
343
00:18:54,280 --> 00:18:57,600
You wouldn't back him if he was
a horse at the National, would you?
344
00:18:58,200 --> 00:18:59,720
No, I don't think I would.
345
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,320
Use the men's!
346
00:19:04,840 --> 00:19:08,480
[Karen] Sometimes we can get distracted.
Things can seem a bit mundane.
347
00:19:09,120 --> 00:19:10,920
We think the grass is always greener,
348
00:19:11,000 --> 00:19:13,160
-but before long we've--
-I lost everything.
349
00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,680
This isn't a bollockin', Kel.
350
00:19:17,280 --> 00:19:20,640
I just don't want you to make
the same mistake I did.
351
00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:21,800
Joe?
352
00:19:23,040 --> 00:19:25,320
-There's no bog roll.
-Well, drip dry.
353
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:28,680
Without going into too much detail,
that approach won't have much effect.
354
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:29,720
[Karen] Fine.
355
00:19:35,080 --> 00:19:38,640
You can talk to me, you know...
when it comes to stuff like this.
356
00:19:40,600 --> 00:19:41,880
You can trust me.
357
00:19:44,000 --> 00:19:48,360
[girls cheering and chatting]
358
00:19:53,400 --> 00:19:57,680
Jamie, usual, double and whatever
those boring bastards are having.
359
00:19:57,760 --> 00:20:00,600
With a cyanide fucking chaser
for each of them.
360
00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:03,480
-You not enjoying it?
-He's everywhere I turn.
361
00:20:03,560 --> 00:20:07,720
Never shuts the fuck up!
God this, God that, God the other.
362
00:20:08,520 --> 00:20:10,600
He's got a bleeding parable
for everything.
363
00:20:11,680 --> 00:20:16,080
Can't even wipe your arse without him
turning it into some kind of a lesson.
364
00:20:16,160 --> 00:20:17,720
Hello, Father Craig!
365
00:20:22,080 --> 00:20:24,480
[Mimi] Hiya, father. Going already?
366
00:20:24,560 --> 00:20:26,440
Service in the morning, Mimi.
367
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,400
-Billy says you'll be there.
-Not going to miss out, am I?
368
00:20:32,000 --> 00:20:34,480
["Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode
playing on stereo]
369
00:20:35,680 --> 00:20:36,920
Stop this now.
370
00:20:37,000 --> 00:20:39,640
-Gone! [cheering]
-I just wanted to impress you.
371
00:20:40,440 --> 00:20:44,400
Get rid of that boring bastard,
then I'll be impressed.
372
00:20:44,480 --> 00:20:46,240
[crowd cheering]
373
00:20:49,600 --> 00:20:50,880
Jamie! Over here.
374
00:20:52,240 --> 00:20:54,200
[unintelligible chatter]
375
00:20:57,920 --> 00:20:59,840
She obviously wants something extreme.
376
00:21:00,560 --> 00:21:02,560
Y'know, a declaration of your intentions.
377
00:21:03,280 --> 00:21:05,120
-Reckon?
-Think big, Billy.
378
00:21:05,200 --> 00:21:06,920
It's obviously the way to her heart.
379
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:09,480
If not her heart,
might get you into her knickers.
380
00:21:11,360 --> 00:21:13,760
[Aidan] What d'you think she'd really,
really like?
381
00:21:13,840 --> 00:21:16,480
What d'you reckon'd make her happy?
Her and the boys?
382
00:21:22,120 --> 00:21:23,280
What's going on?
383
00:21:23,360 --> 00:21:25,680
Well, I just want you to be happy,
that's all.
384
00:21:25,760 --> 00:21:29,080
So... I did something
that'd make you happy.
385
00:21:34,360 --> 00:21:36,760
[mystifying music]
386
00:21:41,680 --> 00:21:44,320
-So you robbed my car?
-Borrowed.
387
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:47,400
-Then what the fuck did you give him?
-Just a load of ale.
388
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,120
-Bottle of whisky.
-And?
389
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,000
Some pills I found
in Micky's sock drawer.
390
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:52,560
What? The blue ones?
391
00:21:52,640 --> 00:21:53,920
Orange?
392
00:21:54,000 --> 00:21:55,640
Not the yellow ones.
393
00:21:55,720 --> 00:21:58,920
One of them'd floor all the Happy Mondays!
How many d'you slip him?
394
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:00,760
-Four.
-[Micky gasps]
395
00:22:00,840 --> 00:22:05,560
Well, no wonder he's dead! They're meant
for horses of a nervous disposition!
396
00:22:05,640 --> 00:22:08,000
What in the name of God
did you think you were doing?
397
00:22:08,080 --> 00:22:10,240
You said you'd be impressed
if I got rid of him!
398
00:22:10,320 --> 00:22:12,880
I didn't mean kill him, you thick twat!
399
00:22:12,960 --> 00:22:16,280
I meant out of my line of vision
for a split second!
400
00:22:16,360 --> 00:22:20,200
Out of my range of hearing,
not bleeding dead!
401
00:22:20,280 --> 00:22:22,440
-So, what we gonna do?
-[Mimi sighs scornfully]
402
00:22:22,520 --> 00:22:26,440
Pray for forgiveness.
He's killed a priest.
403
00:22:26,520 --> 00:22:29,800
Well, let him fucking pray then.
It's nowt to do with us.
404
00:22:29,880 --> 00:22:32,280
[Billy] I'm going to hell.
And I'm not even Catholic!
405
00:22:32,360 --> 00:22:35,120
And you think God's going to turn
a blind eye to the fact
406
00:22:35,200 --> 00:22:39,840
that we're sitting round the table,
discussing how to get shot of the body?
407
00:22:39,920 --> 00:22:42,960
Er, excuse me, I just come up
with a solution to the problem,
408
00:22:43,040 --> 00:22:45,760
-which went down like a lead balloon.
-The solution being
409
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:48,320
that we take him
to your mate's sausage factory?
410
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:49,760
You've never objected before.
411
00:22:49,840 --> 00:22:53,040
I've never turned a priest
into a sausage before!
412
00:22:55,400 --> 00:22:58,920
-We'll be excommunicated.
-We're already excommunicated.
413
00:23:00,360 --> 00:23:02,560
Call your mate.
Make the arrangements.
414
00:23:04,440 --> 00:23:06,280
Hang on!
415
00:23:06,360 --> 00:23:08,000
You're not actually going to go
through with this?
416
00:23:08,080 --> 00:23:11,360
-Have you got a better solution?
-Remarkable.
417
00:23:11,440 --> 00:23:14,000
Just when I thought
you'd never be able to shock me.
418
00:23:16,600 --> 00:23:21,120
OK, if we're going ahead with this,
you need to make yourself scarce.
419
00:23:21,200 --> 00:23:25,320
No way! He got us into this shit,
he's going to help get us out!
420
00:23:25,400 --> 00:23:28,360
They'll get a fair few sausages out
of him, though, won't they? I mean...
421
00:23:28,440 --> 00:23:29,680
He was a big lad, wasn't he?
422
00:23:29,760 --> 00:23:31,640
Fucking arse!
423
00:23:37,400 --> 00:23:38,640
[mobile beeps]
424
00:23:54,240 --> 00:23:55,240
Kelly!
425
00:23:56,200 --> 00:23:57,200
What d'you want?
426
00:23:58,920 --> 00:24:00,040
What?
427
00:24:00,120 --> 00:24:02,720
Played me for a fool, didn't you?
428
00:24:02,800 --> 00:24:04,600
-No.
-Not that I blame you.
429
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:08,440
I am a fucking idiot,
falling for you, your lies.
430
00:24:08,520 --> 00:24:10,240
If you think I lied, why did you come?
431
00:24:11,160 --> 00:24:14,440
To tell you to get out me life,
to keep on running.
432
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:17,360
Fuck off so far away from me
and never come back!
433
00:24:17,440 --> 00:24:18,560
Sue left me.
434
00:24:20,120 --> 00:24:22,200
She walked out and took the kids.
435
00:24:23,040 --> 00:24:25,080
She wanted stuff
I couldn't give her and...
436
00:24:26,120 --> 00:24:28,040
She found someone who could.
437
00:24:28,120 --> 00:24:29,720
And I begged her.
438
00:24:29,800 --> 00:24:32,960
I begged her to come back,
but she said: "To what?"
439
00:24:35,320 --> 00:24:36,520
To what.
440
00:24:37,560 --> 00:24:39,440
[Marty] I was on me own.
441
00:24:39,520 --> 00:24:42,200
[Marty] And I was getting pissed
most nights cos...
442
00:24:42,280 --> 00:24:44,560
[sighs] And I lost my job because...
443
00:24:44,640 --> 00:24:46,920
I couldn't get out of bed
for the hangovers.
444
00:24:48,720 --> 00:24:50,040
I ended up on the street.
445
00:24:51,240 --> 00:24:53,720
And I was angry with meself,
I was so angry.
446
00:24:54,840 --> 00:24:56,720
I'd lost my wife, my kids.
447
00:24:57,680 --> 00:24:58,640
My job, my flat.
448
00:24:59,920 --> 00:25:01,080
So, you set fire to them?
449
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:05,880
[slow, sad music]
450
00:25:07,840 --> 00:25:08,880
Took a while, but...
451
00:25:09,720 --> 00:25:11,240
here he is at last, eh?
452
00:25:12,560 --> 00:25:14,960
Will the real Marty Fisher
please stand up.
453
00:25:15,040 --> 00:25:17,880
-[mumbles] Look...
-The lying, murdering Marty Fisher.
454
00:25:17,960 --> 00:25:19,400
-[stammering] No, I...
-Save it.
455
00:25:21,160 --> 00:25:22,640
I thought you were different.
456
00:25:24,080 --> 00:25:25,760
[Kelly laughs]
457
00:25:26,520 --> 00:25:27,960
Fucking cliché alert!
458
00:25:29,720 --> 00:25:31,720
[Kelly] I hope they find you, Marty.
459
00:25:31,800 --> 00:25:35,720
I hope the filth drag you in
and I hope you go down for life.
460
00:25:37,160 --> 00:25:38,880
Sue didn't deserve that.
461
00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:41,400
And your kids.
462
00:25:45,040 --> 00:25:46,600
-[stammering] Kelly--
-Fuck off.
463
00:25:48,040 --> 00:25:49,080
I love you!
464
00:25:51,840 --> 00:25:52,840
And I love Shane.
465
00:25:54,240 --> 00:25:57,200
[music intensifies]
466
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:06,400
[Marty sobs]
467
00:26:10,480 --> 00:26:13,240
[Jamie] Oh, shit!
They're still looking for Marty.
468
00:26:13,320 --> 00:26:15,520
Right, Father Craig's pissed
after an all-night wake.
469
00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:16,960
We're taking him back to church.
470
00:26:17,040 --> 00:26:18,960
[Jamie] Everyone stay calm.
471
00:26:19,040 --> 00:26:22,120
-Can I ask where you're going, lads?
-Just bringing a mate home.
472
00:26:22,200 --> 00:26:23,040
Bit worse for wear.
473
00:26:23,120 --> 00:26:26,720
Hope you sober up for Sunday, father!
Me daughter's christening.
474
00:26:27,560 --> 00:26:29,080
-He's going to puke!
-[Jamie] No!
475
00:26:29,160 --> 00:26:31,320
-Do you want to get out, father?
-No! He's just rat-arsed.
476
00:26:31,400 --> 00:26:32,640
But don't tell the Pope.
477
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:34,680
D'you want to open
the boot for us, please?
478
00:26:34,760 --> 00:26:36,960
-[Billy sobs and whimpers]
-Shh!
479
00:26:37,040 --> 00:26:39,760
-[sobbing] I can't.
-[Shane] Shut the fuck up!
480
00:26:41,280 --> 00:26:42,240
[boot closing]
481
00:26:42,960 --> 00:26:45,080
-Yeah, that's great, mate.
-Cheers.
482
00:26:45,160 --> 00:26:48,440
-Your other mate looks in a bad way, too.
-He can't handle his booze.
483
00:26:48,520 --> 00:26:50,120
Think it was the punch
what finished him off!
484
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:51,680
[chuckles] That'll teach him.
485
00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:53,400
Cheers, lads.
486
00:26:56,880 --> 00:26:58,120
See you, father!
487
00:27:02,320 --> 00:27:03,560
Vodka. Double.
488
00:27:04,360 --> 00:27:07,320
And one for yourself, Mimi.
Fuck knows you could do with one.
489
00:27:07,400 --> 00:27:09,560
-[Kelly] What you having?
-Bit early for me.
490
00:27:14,080 --> 00:27:18,880
To the useless, lying, two-faced,
manipulative, deceitful gang
491
00:27:18,960 --> 00:27:21,200
of total bastardry that is men!
492
00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:22,760
Fuck knows I'll drink to that.
493
00:27:24,200 --> 00:27:26,280
Unless it's our Shane
you're talking about?
494
00:27:26,360 --> 00:27:28,840
A punter.
Finally revealed his true colours.
495
00:27:33,080 --> 00:27:34,280
Same again please, Mimi.
496
00:27:34,360 --> 00:27:36,560
You're supposed to be at work
in ten minutes.
497
00:27:36,640 --> 00:27:38,520
-Got the barbershop quartet's in.
-Fuck 'em yourself.
498
00:27:38,600 --> 00:27:39,920
Turn the light off,
they'd never know the difference.
499
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:41,080
Course they would!
500
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:44,720
This is the male of the species
we're talking about, brains in cocks.
501
00:27:44,800 --> 00:27:47,080
Fuck knows there's not much room
in there for a brain.
502
00:27:47,160 --> 00:27:51,200
Fuck 'em yourself, or better still,
tell 'em to go fuck themselves.
503
00:27:51,280 --> 00:27:53,600
You've had two verbal warnings, Kelly.
504
00:27:53,680 --> 00:27:54,760
Third written.
505
00:27:54,840 --> 00:27:56,800
What? You're going to dismiss me?
506
00:27:57,440 --> 00:27:59,320
Then I take you to a tribunal and--
507
00:27:59,400 --> 00:28:01,880
[chuckles] No, that's right I can't!
508
00:28:01,960 --> 00:28:04,440
On account of how your business is illegal
509
00:28:04,520 --> 00:28:06,680
and you'd end up in t'nick
for being a madam!
510
00:28:06,760 --> 00:28:07,720
Madame!
511
00:28:11,440 --> 00:28:13,200
All you need do sometimes,
512
00:28:13,280 --> 00:28:16,240
is take a step back
to get a good perspective, isn't it?
513
00:28:16,320 --> 00:28:17,920
Where's all this coming from?
514
00:28:18,000 --> 00:28:20,720
From me being let down once too often.
That's where this is coming from, Karen.
515
00:28:20,800 --> 00:28:22,520
-Shane?
-No, we're good.
516
00:28:24,120 --> 00:28:25,000
Yeah?
517
00:28:26,680 --> 00:28:27,920
Yeah.
518
00:28:32,480 --> 00:28:35,680
["Wild'n Cuz I'm Young"
by Kid Cudi playing]
519
00:28:47,560 --> 00:28:48,960
[Jonno] Y'all right, kidda?
520
00:28:49,040 --> 00:28:51,360
-All right, mate?
-Not bad, mate? Yeah, good.
521
00:28:53,000 --> 00:28:54,000
[Jonno] Nice one.
522
00:28:58,520 --> 00:29:00,240
-All right, boys.
-All right, mate.
523
00:29:01,240 --> 00:29:04,520
Right, we need to get him in here, yeah?
And then get him to the processing room.
524
00:29:04,600 --> 00:29:06,440
There's gonna be
a tea break in ten minutes,
525
00:29:06,520 --> 00:29:07,960
so it's gonna be empty.
526
00:29:08,040 --> 00:29:10,360
-And I'll need a hand get him stripped.
-I'll do it.
527
00:29:10,440 --> 00:29:12,320
You wanna bring him over here, Micky?
528
00:29:21,360 --> 00:29:22,600
[Father Craig gasps]
529
00:29:29,360 --> 00:29:30,600
Shit!
530
00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:38,280
[tyres screech]
531
00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:40,600
Mam...
532
00:29:41,520 --> 00:29:43,840
you need to be here, and quick.
533
00:29:48,560 --> 00:29:49,800
[church bell rings]
534
00:30:02,240 --> 00:30:05,040
Hey! You said you'd checked he was dead!
535
00:30:06,120 --> 00:30:07,120
I did!
536
00:30:07,200 --> 00:30:09,280
Well, you obviously
didn't check properly!
537
00:30:22,640 --> 00:30:25,560
[groaning] Fuck!
538
00:30:28,640 --> 00:30:30,080
It's a miracle.
539
00:30:30,160 --> 00:30:33,400
I'm telling you, it's a miracle!
Go! Leave the talking to me.
540
00:30:40,240 --> 00:30:46,760
[Mimi] And I prayed and prayed to God
to find a solution and he did.
541
00:30:49,200 --> 00:30:50,440
You okay, father?
542
00:30:51,880 --> 00:30:55,200
I, er... I don't know.
543
00:30:56,760 --> 00:30:59,560
I'm sorry, Mimi, I'm not feeling 100%.
544
00:31:00,400 --> 00:31:01,600
Must've nodded off.
545
00:31:05,640 --> 00:31:07,040
Had the weirdest dream.
546
00:31:10,400 --> 00:31:12,320
And the Lord said to me...
547
00:31:16,920 --> 00:31:21,600
Next time you want to impress me,
try a bunch of roses, a box of chocolates.
548
00:31:21,680 --> 00:31:25,720
We were lucky this time, Billy.
Make sure there isn't a next time, yeah?
549
00:31:25,800 --> 00:31:27,640
You said he was a problem.
I thought you wanted rid.
550
00:31:27,720 --> 00:31:29,120
Why'd she go to you if she did?
551
00:31:29,200 --> 00:31:31,480
Cos... cos I'm the father of her child.
552
00:31:31,560 --> 00:31:34,440
-That was a biological accident.
-A happy one!
553
00:31:34,520 --> 00:31:36,960
Yeah, but an accident
none the less, Mum.
554
00:31:37,040 --> 00:31:38,360
Get this straight, Billy.
555
00:31:38,440 --> 00:31:40,960
If there's a problem
within this family that needs solving,
556
00:31:41,040 --> 00:31:43,360
this family'll solve it, you got that?
557
00:31:43,440 --> 00:31:45,360
We don't need you. We don't want ya.
558
00:31:47,520 --> 00:31:49,280
By the way, you've pissed yourself.
559
00:31:50,800 --> 00:31:51,960
[Mimi groans]
560
00:31:59,680 --> 00:32:02,080
That hit the spot. It was lovely, that.
561
00:32:02,160 --> 00:32:04,920
-Thought you'd like it.
-Liked it? I loved it.
562
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:07,680
[Kelly laughs]
You don't have to overdo it, Shane.
563
00:32:07,760 --> 00:32:08,840
No, it was nice that!
564
00:32:09,920 --> 00:32:11,280
It was chips, bacon and egg.
565
00:32:12,160 --> 00:32:13,240
It was great!
566
00:32:14,560 --> 00:32:16,440
-I'll do t'washing up.
-No.
567
00:32:16,520 --> 00:32:19,000
-Come on, I said--
-I know, and I said I'll do it!
568
00:32:20,120 --> 00:32:22,400
-Sorry.
-No, it's me.
569
00:32:22,480 --> 00:32:26,080
-No, I'm probably trying a bit--
-No, don't. It's not you.
570
00:32:26,160 --> 00:32:27,200
This.
571
00:32:27,280 --> 00:32:29,880
It's not... It's not you.
It's me, Shane. Just, em...
572
00:32:31,280 --> 00:32:32,240
[Kelly sighs loudly]
573
00:32:33,600 --> 00:32:34,760
it's just me.
574
00:32:37,640 --> 00:32:40,160
That mean I can go watch
the footy that I recorded?
575
00:32:45,680 --> 00:32:47,000
I love you, Kelly Maguire.
576
00:32:52,120 --> 00:32:53,120
Yeah, you said.
577
00:33:00,200 --> 00:33:01,280
Thank you, Carmel.
578
00:33:20,080 --> 00:33:21,560
[Jamie] Just thought
we'd give you this, father.
579
00:33:21,640 --> 00:33:24,880
Our contribution
to the new roof for the vestry, father.
580
00:33:24,960 --> 00:33:27,080
Ah. That's very kind. Thank you.
581
00:33:27,160 --> 00:33:28,600
So, ten minutes, yeah?
582
00:33:29,680 --> 00:33:33,120
-For?
-[laughing] Nice one.
583
00:33:33,200 --> 00:33:34,720
[Jamie] Making out he's forgot.
584
00:33:34,800 --> 00:33:37,920
-[laughs] You!
-Cilla's christening.
585
00:33:38,000 --> 00:33:39,400
[Jamie] Two o'clock.
586
00:33:40,080 --> 00:33:41,760
You did say two?
587
00:33:41,840 --> 00:33:44,960
'Course I didn't forget.
How could I forget a thing like that?
588
00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:48,200
And Billy is proper excited, yeah.
589
00:33:49,520 --> 00:33:52,240
You know, about getting christened
at the same time as his daughter!
590
00:33:52,320 --> 00:33:54,480
Very kind of you to fast-track him.
591
00:33:54,560 --> 00:33:59,400
He's welling up.
You know, he's so proud.
592
00:33:59,480 --> 00:34:01,800
-I'm going meself.
-I'll just prepare.
593
00:34:03,280 --> 00:34:04,440
[sighs with relief]
594
00:34:06,000 --> 00:34:07,440
[whispers] I'm sorry.
595
00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:25,159
-What the fuck's going on?
-Baptism.
596
00:34:25,239 --> 00:34:28,120
Cilla's. And you're godparents.
597
00:34:29,159 --> 00:34:31,159
-Lovely. When?
-Now.
598
00:34:31,239 --> 00:34:32,239
Nice one.
599
00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:36,000
[Mimi] If I snuff it,
soft arse'd get custody of Cilla.
600
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:37,639
That's not gonna happen.
601
00:34:38,520 --> 00:34:40,159
Look at him.
602
00:34:40,239 --> 00:34:44,320
He's a lovely lad, but a few bricks short
of a full hod, know what I mean?
603
00:34:44,400 --> 00:34:48,199
-Mimi, I don't actually believe in--
-[Mimi] We've heard it all before, Kelly.
604
00:34:48,280 --> 00:34:50,800
You don't believe in God, we know.
605
00:34:50,880 --> 00:34:53,239
Half the congregation'll be
in the same boat.
606
00:34:53,320 --> 00:34:56,199
I just want you to nod
when you're supposed to,
607
00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:58,760
light a candle, renounce the devil,
608
00:34:58,840 --> 00:35:02,240
then get back to the pub
and get pissed with the rest of us.
609
00:35:02,320 --> 00:35:05,280
Got that? Come on, soft lad.
610
00:35:06,200 --> 00:35:07,960
Did that just happen?
611
00:35:08,040 --> 00:35:10,080
-Who does she think she is?
-Oh, geez.
612
00:35:10,160 --> 00:35:13,080
-Come on, Kel, she's always like that.
-Well, she can fuck off!
613
00:35:13,160 --> 00:35:15,200
You know what?
You're always like that, actually.
614
00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:18,160
And you're always like that.
Sitting on the fucking fence.
615
00:35:18,240 --> 00:35:21,200
What's it going to take for you
to back me up, mummy's boy?
616
00:35:21,280 --> 00:35:22,440
[Shane scoffs]
617
00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:27,240
You knew what you were getting into
when you took me on.
618
00:35:30,920 --> 00:35:33,680
[downbeat music]
619
00:35:37,280 --> 00:35:39,400
[woman] Hang on, wait for me!
620
00:35:39,480 --> 00:35:41,160
[mobile rings]
621
00:35:57,360 --> 00:35:59,480
Barbara Castle? In her day.
622
00:35:59,560 --> 00:36:02,360
Edwina Currie? Posh Scouser.
623
00:36:02,440 --> 00:36:04,360
A contradiction in terms.
624
00:36:04,440 --> 00:36:07,520
See, I'd have slotted Thatcher one
in her heyday.
625
00:36:07,600 --> 00:36:10,560
From behind, obviously.
Show her who's boss.
626
00:36:10,640 --> 00:36:14,160
Oh, not for turning? Well,
you fucking will be after this, Maggie.
627
00:36:14,240 --> 00:36:17,760
[grunts] One up the mineshaft
in memory of Scargill.
628
00:36:17,840 --> 00:36:19,080
But Widdecombe?
629
00:36:19,160 --> 00:36:22,880
Wouldn't really be an angle
that would satisfy, would there?
630
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:27,160
It's not as if you could half close
your eyes, so they're all fuzzy
631
00:36:27,240 --> 00:36:29,640
and convince yourself it's somebody else.
632
00:36:29,720 --> 00:36:32,840
Fucking Churchill'd be
a more attractive proposition.
633
00:36:32,920 --> 00:36:34,880
Miliband's got a pretty face.
634
00:36:36,160 --> 00:36:40,040
I think your mistake was...
going for someone with such a low profile.
635
00:36:40,120 --> 00:36:41,480
-What do you mean?
-A priest?
636
00:36:42,080 --> 00:36:44,200
If you want to impress the Maguires,
aim high.
637
00:36:44,280 --> 00:36:46,400
Take out some gangster
and you'd be quids in.
638
00:36:46,480 --> 00:36:47,440
I'm telling you.
639
00:36:48,720 --> 00:36:51,440
If you want to reach puberty,
keep your trap shut.
640
00:36:52,040 --> 00:36:53,160
Bin. Now.
641
00:36:58,080 --> 00:37:01,440
If I'd wanted a gangster,
I wouldn't have gotten rid of Paddy.
642
00:37:01,520 --> 00:37:03,920
[Mimi] I like you because you're you,
okay?
643
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:05,800
Just be you.
644
00:37:08,120 --> 00:37:09,480
A toast!
645
00:37:11,440 --> 00:37:14,120
To Cilla Maureen Tutton-Maguire.
646
00:37:14,800 --> 00:37:18,720
-Welcome to the family.
-[everybody] Welcome to the family!
647
00:37:18,800 --> 00:37:20,600
[Mimi] And to Billy Tutton.
648
00:37:20,680 --> 00:37:23,960
-Welcome to the family.
-[everybody] Welcome to the family!
649
00:37:25,080 --> 00:37:27,240
You're one of us, now. [chuckles]
650
00:37:29,400 --> 00:37:31,280
She means Catholic, by the way.
651
00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:32,400
Not one of them.
652
00:37:35,200 --> 00:37:37,000
-[Jamie] For fuck's sake!
-[groaning]
653
00:37:37,680 --> 00:37:40,680
[Cilla cries]
654
00:37:48,520 --> 00:37:51,080
-What the fuck's done that?
-Rats.
655
00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:52,960
Big fucking rat!
656
00:37:53,040 --> 00:37:57,480
-[indistinct chatter]
-[tense music]
657
00:38:15,280 --> 00:38:17,160
[door opening]
658
00:38:17,240 --> 00:38:19,960
Excuse I for queue jumping.
I've got a turtle's head.
659
00:38:20,040 --> 00:38:21,160
They're all occupied and I'm next.
660
00:38:21,240 --> 00:38:23,600
-I'm touching cloth!
-Gents!
661
00:38:27,400 --> 00:38:29,880
-[Marty stutters] I'm...
-Sorry?
662
00:38:30,920 --> 00:38:33,560
Gonna do the decent thing?
Hand yourself in?
663
00:38:33,640 --> 00:38:37,840
Admit you're a fucking scumbag
for killing your wife and kids?
664
00:38:37,920 --> 00:38:39,800
A pathological liar
665
00:38:39,880 --> 00:38:42,280
for leading me on making me believe
we had some kind of future?
666
00:38:42,360 --> 00:38:45,000
-It wasn't supposed to happen this way.
-Too right!
667
00:38:45,800 --> 00:38:47,960
[Kelly] I wasn't supposed
to fall for the nutter
668
00:38:48,040 --> 00:38:51,840
with fuck all to offer
but a criminal record and an empty wallet.
669
00:38:51,920 --> 00:38:56,240
I wanted the white charger
and the shining armour, and I get you!
670
00:38:57,320 --> 00:38:59,680
Fucking you!
671
00:38:59,760 --> 00:39:02,760
[door opening]
Lights will be back on any minute.
672
00:39:02,840 --> 00:39:03,960
Great.
673
00:39:10,000 --> 00:39:13,440
Making sure no-one's fallen over,
broken their neck.
674
00:39:14,760 --> 00:39:16,760
Home soon, eh?
675
00:39:21,960 --> 00:39:24,320
You never asked.
That's what fucking hurt.
676
00:39:24,400 --> 00:39:25,920
After what we'd said.
What we'd done.
677
00:39:26,000 --> 00:39:28,720
What you said you felt.
You never asked. Never!
678
00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:31,600
What did I never ask, eh?
You fucking lunatic!
679
00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:35,280
I wanted to tell you what happened,
but I wanted you to know me first.
680
00:39:35,360 --> 00:39:39,800
-You wanted me to fall for you first!
-I didn't do it.
681
00:39:39,880 --> 00:39:42,040
If you need me to, I can prove it.
682
00:39:43,440 --> 00:39:45,040
I didn't do it, Kel.
683
00:39:46,000 --> 00:39:47,200
I couldn't...
684
00:39:48,800 --> 00:39:51,720
[Marty sobs] But even you thought I could.
685
00:39:52,800 --> 00:39:54,400
Even you.
686
00:39:54,480 --> 00:39:58,480
[sobbing]
687
00:40:01,120 --> 00:40:02,440
I'll be at the bus stop.
688
00:40:03,640 --> 00:40:09,560
Corner of Muirfield Avenue
and Lytton Street. Nine o'clock.
689
00:40:11,360 --> 00:40:12,840
I want to start again.
690
00:40:13,560 --> 00:40:14,720
New life...
691
00:40:16,440 --> 00:40:17,520
with someone I love.
692
00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:22,400
Someone... I never thought
I'd have the luck to come across.
693
00:40:23,360 --> 00:40:26,760
It's a lot to think about, I know,
and I would've done it sooner if...
694
00:40:26,840 --> 00:40:28,680
all this hadn't have happened, but...
695
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:33,040
I love you
696
00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:36,120
and I want you with me.
697
00:40:46,600 --> 00:40:48,040
[Kelly sobs]
698
00:40:52,560 --> 00:40:55,680
-[crowd cheers]
-[Kelly sighs heavily]
699
00:41:00,800 --> 00:41:03,400
[indistinct chatter and laughter]
700
00:41:16,520 --> 00:41:18,640
Well, maybe you'll get one
if you're lucky.
701
00:41:20,240 --> 00:41:24,240
["Take Everything" by Mazzy Star playing]
702
00:41:28,880 --> 00:41:30,640
[Karen] One, two, three, go! Ching!
703
00:41:39,360 --> 00:41:43,640
♪ All of you... ♪
704
00:41:44,320 --> 00:41:48,360
♪ ...all right ♪
705
00:41:53,760 --> 00:41:58,440
♪ Just because... ♪
706
00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:02,320
♪ ...I wanna know ♪
707
00:42:07,640 --> 00:42:14,640
♪ Do you still come last night
With clear eyes peeled ♪
708
00:42:14,720 --> 00:42:20,120
♪ You never got there
even though you say you will ♪
709
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:27,720
♪ Sorry now that
you've fallen from my eyes ♪
710
00:42:30,640 --> 00:42:34,080
♪ That's the truth ♪
711
00:42:41,840 --> 00:42:42,760
I've not seen ya.
712
00:42:45,520 --> 00:42:49,200
["Take Everything" by Mazzy Star
continues playing]
713
00:43:07,280 --> 00:43:13,920
♪ Why tell me about everything ♪
714
00:43:14,000 --> 00:43:20,720
♪ Why tell me about everything ♪
715
00:43:20,800 --> 00:43:27,200
♪ You're just waiting
for her to come apart ♪
716
00:43:27,280 --> 00:43:31,920
♪ You're just waiting for her ♪
717
00:43:32,000 --> 00:43:33,040
Fuck!
718
00:43:33,120 --> 00:43:36,840
[Kelly] I used to wonder how I'd know
if it was love and not lust.
719
00:43:36,920 --> 00:43:38,360
How you could tell?
720
00:43:38,440 --> 00:43:41,480
Because in the past,
I thought it was there and it wasn't.
721
00:43:41,560 --> 00:43:43,960
It was nice, don't get me wrong, but...
722
00:43:44,040 --> 00:43:45,480
It wasn't what it should've been.
723
00:43:45,560 --> 00:43:48,000
It didn't feel like it should've felt.
724
00:43:49,160 --> 00:43:52,000
If just the thought
of them doesn't warm you,
725
00:43:52,080 --> 00:43:54,480
if being with them
at the end of the day isn't all you need,
726
00:43:54,560 --> 00:43:59,200
if you're not counting the hours
until you see them again,
727
00:43:59,280 --> 00:44:01,400
if you don't keep
their old messages on your phone,
728
00:44:01,480 --> 00:44:03,480
just so you can hear that voice,
729
00:44:03,560 --> 00:44:05,840
then it's not love.
730
00:44:05,920 --> 00:44:11,360
[mobile ringing]
731
00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:51,840
[song fades out]
732
00:44:55,720 --> 00:45:00,120
I need every single one of you
to start pulling in some serious money!
733
00:45:00,200 --> 00:45:01,560
I've got me community service.
734
00:45:01,640 --> 00:45:03,800
[Shane] He's doing drama
and plays and that.
735
00:45:05,200 --> 00:45:06,680
I think there's been a mistake.
736
00:45:06,760 --> 00:45:10,720
[Mimi] Been years since I did a burglary.
It was always a bit of a turn-on for me.
737
00:45:10,800 --> 00:45:13,200
-Oh! You're gay!
-Don't say owt, will you?
738
00:45:14,080 --> 00:45:17,320
-[Micky gasps]
-We won't say a word either.
739
00:45:17,400 --> 00:45:20,360
-You never go bareback.
-It wasn't business, it was Marty.
740
00:45:20,440 --> 00:45:22,480
[Micky] Going to have to do a bit more
than kissing to make him sweet.
741
00:45:22,560 --> 00:45:25,120
[Micky] Aren't ya, eh?
You know what I mean. [gagging sound]
742
00:45:25,200 --> 00:45:28,000
Mary's giving Joseph a blowjob?
743
00:45:28,080 --> 00:45:30,080
[Mimi] I kind of liked having you
by me side.
744
00:45:30,160 --> 00:45:31,880
[Billy] Maybe we should make it
more permanent.
745
00:45:31,960 --> 00:45:33,520
-[Mimi] You having a laugh?
-Will you marry me?
746
00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:20,720
-[Scary music playing]
-[Mimi grunting]
747
00:46:28,320 --> 00:46:31,480
Ah! For fuck's sake, Mam!
748
00:46:31,560 --> 00:46:33,880
Is that gastric band playing up again?
58348
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