All language subtitles for How I Met Your Mother S02E02 The Scorpion and the Toad (1080p x265 Joy)

af Afrikaans
ak Akan
sq Albanian
am Amharic
ar Arabic
hy Armenian
az Azerbaijani
eu Basque
be Belarusian
bem Bemba
bn Bengali
bh Bihari
bs Bosnian
br Breton
bg Bulgarian
km Cambodian
ca Catalan
ceb Cebuano
chr Cherokee
ny Chichewa
zh-CN Chinese (Simplified)
zh-TW Chinese (Traditional)
co Corsican
hr Croatian
cs Czech
da Danish
nl Dutch
en English
eo Esperanto
et Estonian
ee Ewe
fo Faroese
tl Filipino
fi Finnish
fr French
fy Frisian
gaa Ga
gl Galician
ka Georgian
de German
el Greek
gn Guarani
gu Gujarati
ht Haitian Creole
ha Hausa
haw Hawaiian
iw Hebrew
hi Hindi
hmn Hmong
hu Hungarian
is Icelandic
ig Igbo
id Indonesian
ia Interlingua
ga Irish
it Italian
ja Japanese
jw Javanese
kn Kannada
kk Kazakh
rw Kinyarwanda
rn Kirundi
kg Kongo
ko Korean
kri Krio (Sierra Leone)
ku Kurdish
ckb Kurdish (Soranî)
ky Kyrgyz
lo Laothian
la Latin
lv Latvian
ln Lingala
lt Lithuanian
loz Lozi
lg Luganda
ach Luo
lb Luxembourgish
mk Macedonian
mg Malagasy
ms Malay
ml Malayalam
mt Maltese
mi Maori
mr Marathi
mfe Mauritian Creole
mo Moldavian
mn Mongolian
my Myanmar (Burmese)
sr-ME Montenegrin
ne Nepali
pcm Nigerian Pidgin
nso Northern Sotho
no Norwegian
nn Norwegian (Nynorsk)
oc Occitan
or Oriya
om Oromo
ps Pashto
fa Persian
pl Polish
pt-BR Portuguese (Brazil)
pt Portuguese (Portugal)
pa Punjabi
qu Quechua
ro Romanian
rm Romansh
nyn Runyakitara
ru Russian
sm Samoan
gd Scots Gaelic
sr Serbian
sh Serbo-Croatian
st Sesotho
tn Setswana
crs Seychellois Creole
sn Shona
sd Sindhi
si Sinhalese Download
sk Slovak
sl Slovenian
so Somali
es Spanish
es-419 Spanish (Latin American)
su Sundanese
sw Swahili
sv Swedish
tg Tajik
ta Tamil
tt Tatar
te Telugu
th Thai
ti Tigrinya
to Tonga
lua Tshiluba
tum Tumbuka
tr Turkish
tk Turkmen
tw Twi
ug Uighur
uk Ukrainian
ur Urdu
uz Uzbek
vi Vietnamese
cy Welsh
wo Wolof
xh Xhosa
yi Yiddish
yo Yoruba
zu Zulu
Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,846 --> 00:00:05,184 Marshall and Lily had been together for nine wonderful years, 2 00:00:05,194 --> 00:00:07,954 until she dumped him and ran off to San Francisco. 3 00:00:08,694 --> 00:00:11,339 The healing process was taking a long time. 4 00:00:12,729 --> 00:00:15,581 Then, one night, he made a giant leap forward. 5 00:00:15,591 --> 00:00:17,219 All right, I'll see you guys later. 6 00:00:17,229 --> 00:00:18,358 I'll walk you out. 7 00:00:18,368 --> 00:00:19,602 See ya. 8 00:00:23,892 --> 00:00:25,983 You just checked out Robin's ass. 9 00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:28,065 What? No! No, Barney, I was... 10 00:00:28,075 --> 00:00:30,071 Dude, that's awesome. 11 00:00:30,081 --> 00:00:33,158 You're finally forgetting about that short redhead. 12 00:00:33,239 --> 00:00:33,916 Lily. 13 00:00:33,924 --> 00:00:37,102 Yes, Lily. Thank you. That was going to drive me crazy all night. 14 00:00:37,114 --> 00:00:39,348 Hey, Ted, Marshall just checked out your girlfriend's ass. 15 00:00:39,385 --> 00:00:41,999 - I did not, Ted, I... - That's awesome. 16 00:00:42,014 --> 00:00:43,419 You're finally getting better. 17 00:00:43,433 --> 00:00:45,298 This is the moment I've been waiting for. 18 00:00:45,313 --> 00:00:48,741 Starting tonight, I am going to teach you how to live. 19 00:00:48,755 --> 00:00:50,718 Ted, you had your chance. You're out; Marshall's in. 20 00:00:50,733 --> 00:00:52,071 - Yes! - Oh, God. 21 00:00:52,084 --> 00:00:55,921 Marshall, being a single guy in New York City is like... 22 00:00:56,744 --> 00:00:58,370 What's something everybody likes? 23 00:00:58,386 --> 00:00:59,390 Candy. 24 00:00:59,404 --> 00:01:01,930 Yes, it's like being in a candy store. 25 00:01:01,943 --> 00:01:05,250 You just walk right in and grab yourself some Whoppers. 26 00:01:05,685 --> 00:01:07,129 Yeah. 27 00:01:07,666 --> 00:01:09,230 Is Whoppers the best one? 28 00:01:09,244 --> 00:01:10,319 Mounds. 29 00:01:10,336 --> 00:01:11,648 Milk Duds. 30 00:01:11,663 --> 00:01:13,298 Gobstoppers. 31 00:01:14,116 --> 00:01:16,340 This went on for another hour; 32 00:01:16,353 --> 00:01:17,819 I'll just skip to the end. 33 00:01:17,835 --> 00:01:19,860 - Dubble Bubbles. - Nice! 34 00:01:19,873 --> 00:01:21,581 Marshall. We're doing this. 35 00:01:21,593 --> 00:01:23,521 I am not taking no for an answer. 36 00:01:23,535 --> 00:01:24,798 Fine. 37 00:01:24,816 --> 00:01:26,920 Hey, Robin. Marshall checked out your ass. 38 00:01:26,933 --> 00:01:28,471 Ted, what is wrong with you? 39 00:01:28,483 --> 00:01:30,138 He checked out my ass. 40 00:01:30,156 --> 00:01:33,679 Hey, tell him thanks. I felt like I was having a bad ass day. 41 00:01:33,696 --> 00:01:35,650 Cool, see ya. 42 00:01:38,786 --> 00:01:40,260 Lily. 43 00:01:40,393 --> 00:01:42,558 It is a great ass. 44 00:01:44,000 --> 00:01:50,074 Advertise your product or brand here contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today 45 00:01:57,772 --> 00:02:00,189 None of us had seen Lily in three months. 46 00:02:00,205 --> 00:02:02,197 There were so many unanswered questions, 47 00:02:02,215 --> 00:02:03,817 so many things to say. 48 00:02:03,835 --> 00:02:06,527 Your hair is adorable. 49 00:02:08,224 --> 00:02:11,130 Meanwhile, Barney was taking Marshall out to meet women 50 00:02:11,145 --> 00:02:13,687 for the first time since he was 17. 51 00:02:13,705 --> 00:02:15,958 Hi. Have you met Marshall? 52 00:02:16,705 --> 00:02:18,159 - Hi. - Hi. 53 00:02:19,953 --> 00:02:22,328 Look how sweaty my hands are. 54 00:02:23,203 --> 00:02:25,790 It's weird, right? Uh, sweat? 55 00:02:25,803 --> 00:02:29,770 Like, this smelly water coming out of your skin. 56 00:02:31,725 --> 00:02:33,510 It was nice meeting you. 57 00:02:33,525 --> 00:02:36,270 I-I-I hate to interrupt, but, uh, 58 00:02:36,282 --> 00:02:38,159 do you like magic? 59 00:02:38,172 --> 00:02:40,237 Um, I guess. 60 00:02:41,982 --> 00:02:44,568 Oh, my God! 61 00:02:48,745 --> 00:02:51,289 Anyway, Marshall here is awesome. 62 00:02:51,305 --> 00:02:53,567 Salad in a bag? His idea. 63 00:02:53,743 --> 00:02:56,498 Dude! You were awesome last night. 64 00:02:56,512 --> 00:02:58,220 You were charming, you were funny, 65 00:02:58,233 --> 00:02:59,969 you were totally working that girl. 66 00:02:59,985 --> 00:03:01,369 You went home with her. 67 00:03:01,383 --> 00:03:03,229 Yes, I did. 68 00:03:03,553 --> 00:03:06,527 But she told me that if it wasn't for me, 69 00:03:06,542 --> 00:03:08,067 you would have had a shot with her, 70 00:03:08,083 --> 00:03:10,928 so, in hypothetical terms, you scored last night. 71 00:03:10,944 --> 00:03:12,170 All right! 72 00:03:12,182 --> 00:03:14,049 Hypothetical high five. 73 00:03:15,552 --> 00:03:17,049 Nice. 74 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:19,388 All right. Tonight, we're going to go to the bar... 75 00:03:19,402 --> 00:03:22,137 Barney, no, I am not going out with you ever again. 76 00:03:22,153 --> 00:03:24,948 Come on! I'll, I'll teach you all of my strategies. 77 00:03:24,964 --> 00:03:25,738 Oh, really? 78 00:03:25,752 --> 00:03:27,887 My favorite, number seven: 79 00:03:27,905 --> 00:03:29,798 create a mystery about yourself. 80 00:03:29,814 --> 00:03:33,578 That way, they become so intrigued, they have to hang out with you all night. 81 00:03:33,595 --> 00:03:35,630 Oh, come on, does that really work? 82 00:03:35,642 --> 00:03:38,650 Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn't. 83 00:03:41,112 --> 00:03:43,757 Damn it, that's intriguing. Okay, I'm in. 84 00:03:46,772 --> 00:03:48,908 - I have something you've got to hear. - You will not believe what just happened. 85 00:03:48,925 --> 00:03:50,519 You go first. 86 00:03:51,563 --> 00:03:54,427 I found a 1939d penny on the subway. 87 00:03:54,503 --> 00:03:57,408 Just imagine the kind of history this little copper guy... 88 00:03:57,422 --> 00:03:59,070 Lily's back in town. 89 00:03:59,214 --> 00:04:01,707 And you let me go first? 90 00:04:01,723 --> 00:04:02,688 Have you seen her? 91 00:04:02,702 --> 00:04:06,180 Yeah. I actually went apartment-hunting with her today. 92 00:04:06,194 --> 00:04:07,750 How's she doing? 93 00:04:07,764 --> 00:04:09,498 You're not going to like it. 94 00:04:09,764 --> 00:04:12,018 I am doing great. 95 00:04:12,033 --> 00:04:14,168 This summer, best thing ever! 96 00:04:14,184 --> 00:04:16,938 San Francisco is so happening right now. 97 00:04:16,954 --> 00:04:18,500 She's happy?! 98 00:04:18,514 --> 00:04:21,818 Marshall had the worst summer of his life, and she's happy. 99 00:04:22,453 --> 00:04:26,249 Yeah, and I suppose her art program was all fulfilling or whatever. 100 00:04:26,262 --> 00:04:29,969 Oh. The art program-- best thing ever. 101 00:04:30,082 --> 00:04:31,900 Oh, my God. 102 00:04:31,914 --> 00:04:33,780 This is your best work. 103 00:04:33,794 --> 00:04:36,949 In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so... 104 00:04:37,413 --> 00:04:41,648 Needless to say, this is art. 105 00:04:42,675 --> 00:04:44,988 I can't teach you anything. 106 00:04:48,435 --> 00:04:50,448 But the best part of S.F.-- 107 00:04:50,464 --> 00:04:52,640 Oh, that's what we call San Francisco-- 108 00:04:52,652 --> 00:04:53,780 the people. 109 00:04:53,795 --> 00:04:56,038 Even just riding around on the bus all summer. 110 00:04:56,055 --> 00:04:59,397 It was like a human tapestry. 111 00:04:59,522 --> 00:05:01,037 Hi, I'm Mike. 112 00:05:01,053 --> 00:05:04,120 I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure-traveler writer. 113 00:05:04,234 --> 00:05:07,670 I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 114 00:05:07,683 --> 00:05:08,997 Yeah. 115 00:05:09,012 --> 00:05:10,808 I'm Dan, I'm a neurosurgeon. 116 00:05:10,824 --> 00:05:13,038 You are stunning, by the way. 117 00:05:15,335 --> 00:05:17,887 Wow. I'm so happy for you. 118 00:05:17,903 --> 00:05:20,479 Oh, she's such a... 119 00:05:22,112 --> 00:05:25,528 After what she did to Marshall, she should come back here devastated, 120 00:05:25,554 --> 00:05:29,290 crawling on all fours over the broken glass of her own shame and regret. 121 00:05:29,302 --> 00:05:31,630 You never chose sides. I respect that. 122 00:05:31,642 --> 00:05:33,390 She's unbelievable. Unbelievable. 123 00:05:33,402 --> 00:05:35,800 Unbelievable? What's unbelievable? 124 00:05:35,812 --> 00:05:37,157 Oh. Listen, Marshall. 125 00:05:37,174 --> 00:05:41,110 Ted found a penny on the subway, and it's old, and that's interesting. 126 00:05:44,175 --> 00:05:45,758 Way to go. 127 00:05:48,644 --> 00:05:51,499 Okay, first of all, that is interesting. 128 00:05:51,512 --> 00:05:52,968 Second, we have to tell him. 129 00:05:52,984 --> 00:05:56,647 No, we don't. He's just starting to get better, going out with Barney. 130 00:05:56,663 --> 00:05:59,919 I mean, how do you think he's going to feel when he hears Lily's moved on? 131 00:05:59,933 --> 00:06:02,280 - She's moved on? - It happens. 132 00:06:02,295 --> 00:06:04,397 I've fallen out of love faster than that before, 133 00:06:04,414 --> 00:06:07,020 sometimes, boom, with no warning whatsoever. 134 00:06:07,035 --> 00:06:10,087 One day we're in love, the next day, he's dead to me. 135 00:06:11,084 --> 00:06:13,277 But we're great. 136 00:06:13,295 --> 00:06:14,998 Honey. 137 00:06:17,565 --> 00:06:20,470 Now, let's review Barney's rules for mating without dating. 138 00:06:20,483 --> 00:06:23,017 Lesson two, corollary five. 139 00:06:23,035 --> 00:06:26,397 Make a beautiful woman feel self-conscious and unattractive 140 00:06:26,412 --> 00:06:27,770 and she'll be putty in your hands. 141 00:06:27,773 --> 00:06:30,227 Excellent. Have you chosen your entree? 142 00:06:30,244 --> 00:06:33,090 I have. Sweet brunette, eight o'clock. 143 00:06:33,105 --> 00:06:34,868 Nine o'clock. Ten... thirty. 144 00:06:34,885 --> 00:06:36,639 She's walking to the bar. 145 00:06:37,570 --> 00:06:39,477 - Her? Really? - Yeah. 146 00:06:39,488 --> 00:06:42,555 No, you're right. Ambition is the enemy of success. 147 00:06:42,563 --> 00:06:44,261 Okay. Hit it. 148 00:06:48,225 --> 00:06:50,630 What's the matter, four eyes, you got astigmatism or something? 149 00:06:50,643 --> 00:06:52,557 I'm sorry, I was trying to playfully disarm you, 150 00:06:52,594 --> 00:06:54,039 but I just got out of a long relationship. 151 00:06:54,074 --> 00:06:56,278 I have no idea what I'm doing. 152 00:06:57,133 --> 00:06:58,127 I'm Marshall. 153 00:06:58,143 --> 00:07:00,407 Hi, Marshall. Amy. 154 00:07:00,423 --> 00:07:02,298 Don't worry. I've been there. 155 00:07:02,314 --> 00:07:03,777 Hold on. 156 00:07:03,793 --> 00:07:05,957 Nice recovery. I think it's working. 157 00:07:05,972 --> 00:07:08,737 Um, Amy. This is my friend, Barney. 158 00:07:08,755 --> 00:07:10,620 Barney, this is Amy. 159 00:07:10,633 --> 00:07:12,498 Hi, Barney. Nice to meet you. 160 00:07:12,514 --> 00:07:13,947 Hi. 161 00:07:14,683 --> 00:07:18,299 Amy, do you like... magic? 162 00:07:18,312 --> 00:07:21,217 - I hate you. - I am so sorry. 163 00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:24,368 It's a sickness. I'm the real victim here. 164 00:07:24,385 --> 00:07:25,578 Twice. 165 00:07:25,592 --> 00:07:29,359 Twice in a row, you took my candy. That was my candy. 166 00:07:29,375 --> 00:07:32,499 - I know, but tonight... - No. Forget it. 167 00:07:32,513 --> 00:07:34,989 You're such a jackass. 168 00:07:37,574 --> 00:07:39,799 I thought you were gonna call me a jerk. 169 00:07:40,684 --> 00:07:43,379 All right, I'm sorry. I will make it up to you. 170 00:07:43,395 --> 00:07:46,327 Tonight, we'll go to a college bar near NYU-- 171 00:07:46,342 --> 00:07:48,248 The Scorpion and the Toad. 172 00:07:48,264 --> 00:07:51,578 I figure in a younger crowd you'll seem more mature, more worldly 173 00:07:51,592 --> 00:07:55,100 and, as a third-year law student, more smarter. 174 00:07:59,234 --> 00:08:01,529 Okay, but no magic. 175 00:08:04,094 --> 00:08:05,817 How did you do that? 176 00:08:05,834 --> 00:08:07,968 I'm taking a leak, dumb ass. 177 00:08:09,765 --> 00:08:13,040 The next day, Robin and I went apartment-hunting with aunt Lily. 178 00:08:13,054 --> 00:08:15,720 But I need the freedom to really chase my passion, 179 00:08:15,734 --> 00:08:17,977 which was painting, but now I think it's music 180 00:08:17,995 --> 00:08:19,888 or spoken word-- maybe both. 181 00:08:19,904 --> 00:08:22,057 God! Isn't life amazing? 182 00:08:22,073 --> 00:08:24,757 It is so great to see you, Ted. 183 00:08:24,925 --> 00:08:27,737 I'm going to get the key from the lockbox. 184 00:08:30,564 --> 00:08:31,519 What? 185 00:08:31,532 --> 00:08:34,298 She's miserable. She's realized she's made a huge mistake. 186 00:08:34,314 --> 00:08:36,710 Her and Marshall will be back together in a week. I love it! 187 00:08:36,723 --> 00:08:38,897 Um, no. You just want Lily to be miserable. 188 00:08:38,914 --> 00:08:40,189 The truth is, she's happy. 189 00:08:40,203 --> 00:08:42,230 Trust me. I've known Lily for nine years. 190 00:08:42,243 --> 00:08:43,489 Trust me. I'm a girl. 191 00:08:43,504 --> 00:08:45,358 Yeah, but you're Canadian. 192 00:08:45,373 --> 00:08:47,679 - Why do you always have to bring that up? - You're our weird neighbors to the north. 193 00:08:47,715 --> 00:08:51,818 - You bring it up every time. - Five bucks says she still wants Marshall. 194 00:08:51,833 --> 00:08:53,109 You're on. 195 00:08:53,123 --> 00:08:54,629 Five American bucks. 196 00:08:54,645 --> 00:08:56,289 Damn it. 197 00:08:56,414 --> 00:08:58,658 Okay, so how do we get the truth out of her. 198 00:08:58,673 --> 00:09:00,578 Tequila. It's her weakness. 199 00:09:00,593 --> 00:09:03,190 Three shots, she'll tell you the truth about anything. 200 00:09:03,533 --> 00:09:06,429 I hope this is my new home. 201 00:09:08,795 --> 00:09:11,919 Yeah, I'm going to take that first apartment. 202 00:09:13,084 --> 00:09:15,098 Marshall Eriksen, suit up! 203 00:09:15,114 --> 00:09:15,858 No way. 204 00:09:15,875 --> 00:09:17,529 Yeah, you're good in that. 205 00:09:17,543 --> 00:09:19,628 - Let's go. - Wait. 206 00:09:19,644 --> 00:09:21,437 Empty your pockets. 207 00:09:22,365 --> 00:09:23,678 Come on. 208 00:09:28,872 --> 00:09:31,150 - Come on, let's... - Sleeves. 209 00:09:31,163 --> 00:09:34,188 - There is nothing in my... - Oh, is that right? 210 00:09:41,375 --> 00:09:42,890 Let's go. 211 00:09:43,312 --> 00:09:47,480 - Behind my ear. - There is nothing behind your... 212 00:09:53,014 --> 00:09:55,698 Yeah, I'm in pre-law. The workload's killing me, though. 213 00:09:55,713 --> 00:09:59,099 Oh, tell me about it. I'm third year at Columbia Law, so... 214 00:09:59,114 --> 00:10:02,397 if the workload does kill you, I can probably get a conviction. 215 00:10:03,433 --> 00:10:04,859 Yeah. 216 00:10:04,873 --> 00:10:06,857 You must be majoring in chemistry, 217 00:10:06,872 --> 00:10:09,958 'cause what I'm picking up between us is, uh... 218 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:13,238 College lesbian phase. 219 00:10:16,784 --> 00:10:20,760 Listen, I got to go, but it'd be great to see you again. 220 00:10:20,912 --> 00:10:23,079 Yes, it would. 221 00:10:23,313 --> 00:10:25,399 It really would. 222 00:10:26,024 --> 00:10:28,568 Well, maybe I'll see you here sometime. 223 00:10:28,693 --> 00:10:31,439 Probably not. I'm never here, so... 224 00:10:31,663 --> 00:10:33,578 You know, I do have a phone number. 225 00:10:33,595 --> 00:10:35,200 Great. 226 00:10:35,595 --> 00:10:37,320 Nice. 227 00:10:37,432 --> 00:10:39,768 - Hi, I'm Barney. - Oh, no. 228 00:10:39,784 --> 00:10:43,560 Do you... mind giving my friend your phone number? 229 00:10:43,574 --> 00:10:45,250 Sure. 230 00:10:46,982 --> 00:10:48,569 Whoo! 231 00:10:48,583 --> 00:10:51,400 I did it! I got a girl's phone number. 232 00:10:51,414 --> 00:10:53,850 Oh, and her handwriting is so cute, look. 233 00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:55,478 Oh, I'm gonna take her out for Chinesr food 234 00:10:55,514 --> 00:10:56,997 and then maybe we'll walk through the park. 235 00:10:57,033 --> 00:10:59,317 It'll be so... what? 236 00:10:59,553 --> 00:11:02,527 Sorry, buddy, I'm taking this one, too. 237 00:11:07,262 --> 00:11:08,848 I'll kill you! 238 00:11:08,865 --> 00:11:11,319 And then, I discovered this area, North Beach. 239 00:11:11,334 --> 00:11:13,108 Best beach ever! 240 00:11:13,122 --> 00:11:16,459 Oh, I've been blabbering on about my summer. 241 00:11:16,472 --> 00:11:18,180 How are you guys doing? 242 00:11:18,194 --> 00:11:19,900 And hey, how's Marshall? 243 00:11:19,914 --> 00:11:21,799 - Give me the card! - I'm not giving you any card. 244 00:11:21,835 --> 00:11:23,247 - I swear...! - You are not getting...! 245 00:11:23,283 --> 00:11:24,529 Terrific. 246 00:11:24,544 --> 00:11:27,438 That is so good to hear. Oh, hold on. 247 00:11:27,455 --> 00:11:30,168 This could be about the apartment. 248 00:11:30,704 --> 00:11:32,758 Okay, we're way past truth-telling-Lilly 249 00:11:32,773 --> 00:11:35,077 and about to hit Cinco-de-Mayo-1998-Lilly 250 00:11:35,093 --> 00:11:37,019 and I'm not cleaning that up again. 251 00:11:37,035 --> 00:11:40,137 So, congratulations, you win. 252 00:11:40,154 --> 00:11:42,180 She's happy. 253 00:11:42,192 --> 00:11:43,969 I didn't get it. 254 00:11:44,122 --> 00:11:46,490 That first apartment, I... 255 00:11:46,504 --> 00:11:48,618 I waited too long and... 256 00:11:48,633 --> 00:11:51,088 somebody else got it. 257 00:11:53,932 --> 00:11:56,318 Interesting. 258 00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:58,409 Wow, Lily, you, uh... 259 00:11:58,423 --> 00:12:01,357 seem to be having a pretty strong reaction on losing an apartment. 260 00:12:01,374 --> 00:12:04,400 I wonder if it's because it reminds you of something else you lost 261 00:12:04,412 --> 00:12:06,679 because you couldn't commit. 262 00:12:06,693 --> 00:12:09,510 No, Lily, you're crying over the crown molding 263 00:12:09,525 --> 00:12:12,770 and the real hardwood floors. There's no deeper meaning. 264 00:12:12,783 --> 00:12:15,759 Right, Lily? Just quit crying and tell him. 265 00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:21,759 The apartment is a metaphor for Marshall. 266 00:12:27,799 --> 00:12:29,332 - Stop it! - You don't want to see... 267 00:12:29,346 --> 00:12:30,853 - ..what I'm like when I'm angry. - It's my card! 268 00:12:30,869 --> 00:12:32,402 Stop! Hold on! 269 00:12:32,419 --> 00:12:34,133 If we can't settle this like gentlemen, 270 00:12:34,149 --> 00:12:35,282 then no one gets the number. 271 00:12:35,296 --> 00:12:38,123 - No! Stop the cab. - Wha...? 272 00:12:39,247 --> 00:12:42,484 No, wait. Come on. Marshall! 273 00:12:42,496 --> 00:12:44,744 81st and First, please. 274 00:12:47,378 --> 00:12:50,472 Ah, she does have cute handwriting. 275 00:12:51,436 --> 00:12:52,922 The thing about a hangover 276 00:12:52,938 --> 00:12:55,373 is that everyone has their own special remedy. 277 00:12:55,388 --> 00:12:56,614 Morning, guys. What can I get you? 278 00:12:56,648 --> 00:12:57,872 Shh! 279 00:12:57,888 --> 00:13:00,931 Bring me the dirtiest, greasiest tuna melt you got. 280 00:13:00,949 --> 00:13:02,633 And a milkshake. 281 00:13:02,648 --> 00:13:04,251 For you, sir? 282 00:13:04,987 --> 00:13:06,542 Gravy. 283 00:13:07,668 --> 00:13:10,092 You want that gravy on something? 284 00:13:10,106 --> 00:13:11,873 Surprise me. 285 00:13:11,889 --> 00:13:15,913 I'd take you with gravy if my boyfriend wasn't sitting right here. 286 00:13:15,929 --> 00:13:18,383 Just kidding. I'm good. 287 00:13:19,607 --> 00:13:21,862 What are you so chirpy about? 288 00:13:21,876 --> 00:13:23,933 She's still drunk from last night. 289 00:13:23,948 --> 00:13:25,803 I don't think so. 290 00:13:25,817 --> 00:13:28,004 Whoo! 291 00:13:30,017 --> 00:13:32,422 Look, if you want Marshall back so bad, 292 00:13:32,438 --> 00:13:34,893 how come it took you two days to even ask about him? 293 00:13:34,909 --> 00:13:38,583 I was dying to ask. I was just trying to play it cool. 294 00:13:38,598 --> 00:13:39,904 But really... 295 00:13:39,918 --> 00:13:41,713 But it's good, I mean, work is great... 296 00:13:41,726 --> 00:13:43,714 Come on, say something about Marshall. Where's Marshall? 297 00:13:43,748 --> 00:13:45,403 How's Marshall? What's Marshall doing right now? 298 00:13:45,437 --> 00:13:47,844 Shut up and talk about Marshall. Shut up and talk about Marshall. 299 00:13:47,878 --> 00:13:50,184 Shut up and talk about Marshall. Marshall, Marshall, 300 00:13:50,198 --> 00:13:52,652 Marshall, Marshall... I've got to ask! 301 00:13:52,669 --> 00:13:54,852 And hey, how's Marshall? 302 00:13:54,869 --> 00:13:56,711 It was such an awful summer. 303 00:13:56,728 --> 00:13:59,232 I just wanted to get back here and see him. 304 00:13:59,246 --> 00:14:01,403 But I thought your summer was great. 305 00:14:01,419 --> 00:14:03,434 Not exactly. 306 00:14:03,448 --> 00:14:05,833 Oh, my God. 307 00:14:05,876 --> 00:14:08,534 This is you best work? 308 00:14:08,859 --> 00:14:13,523 In all my years teaching, I've never seen anything so needless. 309 00:14:13,538 --> 00:14:17,311 To say this is... art... 310 00:14:18,658 --> 00:14:20,933 I can't teach you anything. 311 00:14:21,719 --> 00:14:26,174 So all those interesting people you met on the bus? 312 00:14:26,186 --> 00:14:27,811 Yeah, um... 313 00:14:27,869 --> 00:14:29,824 Hi. I'm Mike. 314 00:14:29,839 --> 00:14:33,631 I'm a Buddhist monk slash adventure travel writer. 315 00:14:33,647 --> 00:14:38,372 I'm Paula. I sing in a punk band for children. 316 00:14:38,387 --> 00:14:44,704 Hey, I'm Dan. I'm a neurosurgeon. You are stunning, by the way. 317 00:14:45,346 --> 00:14:48,361 I never got in touch because I was too embarrassed. 318 00:14:48,379 --> 00:14:50,074 I screwed everything up. 319 00:14:50,087 --> 00:14:53,151 I have no job, no place to live. 320 00:14:53,178 --> 00:14:56,204 I lost the love of my life. 321 00:14:56,438 --> 00:14:59,691 I know I have no right to ask this, but... 322 00:14:59,709 --> 00:15:02,173 do you think Marshall would take me back? 323 00:15:02,189 --> 00:15:03,533 In a heartbeat. 324 00:15:03,547 --> 00:15:07,214 If you called him up, yeah, he'd take you back with open arms. 325 00:15:07,227 --> 00:15:10,301 Wow. So maybe I should call him. 326 00:15:10,319 --> 00:15:11,773 Maybe. 327 00:15:12,149 --> 00:15:14,812 No! This is... Ow! 328 00:15:15,958 --> 00:15:17,152 Hold on. 329 00:15:17,168 --> 00:15:19,574 Look, if you're going to go back to him, 330 00:15:19,589 --> 00:15:20,721 I don't want to hear the word "maybe." 331 00:15:20,737 --> 00:15:22,863 "Maybe" cannot be in your vocabulary. 332 00:15:22,879 --> 00:15:24,673 This breakup almost killed him. 333 00:15:24,688 --> 00:15:27,032 And he cannot go through it again. 334 00:15:27,047 --> 00:15:32,062 So, unless you're absolutely certain, stay the hell away from him. 335 00:15:35,589 --> 00:15:38,213 This guy likes pennies. 336 00:15:41,127 --> 00:15:42,032 Hi, Marshall. 337 00:15:42,048 --> 00:15:44,204 No, go away. I don't want to talk to you. 338 00:15:44,217 --> 00:15:49,423 Okay, I know what I did a couple nights back is in a moral gray area. 339 00:15:49,437 --> 00:15:52,852 But the great news is, she loved you. 340 00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:55,081 If things had gone your way-- you'd gone out a couple times, 341 00:15:55,116 --> 00:15:57,393 I think she definitely would have had sex with you. 342 00:15:57,408 --> 00:15:59,952 There's no "would" in sex. 343 00:16:01,658 --> 00:16:05,151 You're right, I totally... I'm just no good at this, Barney. 344 00:16:05,166 --> 00:16:08,293 I'm good at being in a couple, I'm good at being Lily's boyfriend. 345 00:16:08,308 --> 00:16:10,372 Being single-- forget it. 346 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:11,932 Come on, you can't give up now. 347 00:16:11,948 --> 00:16:14,204 What if I told you that you could relive that night 348 00:16:14,217 --> 00:16:17,021 with the exact same conversations, the exact same jokes 349 00:16:17,039 --> 00:16:20,423 only this time, you get her and I don't. 350 00:16:20,437 --> 00:16:21,591 That's not possible. 351 00:16:21,607 --> 00:16:23,051 Oh, but it is. 352 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:24,712 She has... 353 00:16:24,727 --> 00:16:26,334 wait for it... 354 00:16:26,347 --> 00:16:27,974 here it comes... 355 00:16:27,988 --> 00:16:29,584 almost there... 356 00:16:29,596 --> 00:16:31,554 an identical twin. 357 00:16:31,566 --> 00:16:33,122 Yes! 358 00:16:33,337 --> 00:16:35,291 A twin isn't the same person. 359 00:16:35,307 --> 00:16:37,612 Of course it is. What do you think identical means? 360 00:16:37,629 --> 00:16:40,684 "Ident"-- same, "ical"-- person. Same person. 361 00:16:41,097 --> 00:16:43,454 Hey, we could double date. 362 00:16:44,678 --> 00:16:46,012 Fine. 363 00:16:46,029 --> 00:16:49,171 But you have to promise me, you're not going to steal my new twin, 364 00:16:49,186 --> 00:16:53,553 and leave me with your old, used-up twin. 365 00:16:53,626 --> 00:16:55,262 U sed-up? 366 00:16:55,277 --> 00:16:58,064 They're a human being, Marshall. 367 00:16:59,626 --> 00:17:01,962 So Uncle Marshall and Uncle Barney went out 368 00:17:01,976 --> 00:17:04,334 on a double date with the twins. 369 00:17:05,046 --> 00:17:06,431 How you doing? 370 00:17:06,449 --> 00:17:09,231 Great. Amazing. This is so much fun. 371 00:17:09,248 --> 00:17:10,964 And I think me and the girl are really clicking. 372 00:17:10,996 --> 00:17:12,652 You are, you definitely are. 373 00:17:12,666 --> 00:17:14,814 Listen, you're going to have to leave now. 374 00:17:14,826 --> 00:17:16,654 I just talked with the twins, and get this, 375 00:17:16,669 --> 00:17:19,653 I'm going home with both of them. 376 00:17:19,668 --> 00:17:22,871 Yeah. That's happening. 377 00:17:23,217 --> 00:17:26,043 It is impossible that you're doing this to me again. 378 00:17:26,057 --> 00:17:28,501 But they're twins. 379 00:17:28,518 --> 00:17:30,774 You-- you said to me that being single 380 00:17:30,786 --> 00:17:32,484 would be like being in a candy store. 381 00:17:32,497 --> 00:17:34,354 Well, it's not, it's not like a candy store. 382 00:17:34,368 --> 00:17:37,464 It's a lawless, postapocalyptic wasteland. 383 00:17:37,476 --> 00:17:39,443 - I may be your best friend... - Actually Ted's my best friend. 384 00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:43,191 But in this world, it's every hombre for himself. 385 00:17:43,207 --> 00:17:45,231 That's what being single is. 386 00:17:45,246 --> 00:17:47,201 And after nine years in captivity, 387 00:17:47,216 --> 00:17:49,302 that is the single greatest lesson I can teach you 388 00:17:49,316 --> 00:17:51,412 about surviving in the wild. 389 00:17:51,426 --> 00:17:53,221 Now, if you'll excuse me... 390 00:17:53,238 --> 00:17:55,313 I have two unique breasts 391 00:17:55,327 --> 00:17:58,253 and two duplicates waiting for me. 392 00:18:02,488 --> 00:18:05,162 Oh, bad news-- Marshall got food poisoning. 393 00:18:05,177 --> 00:18:06,273 - What? - Oh, no. 394 00:18:06,287 --> 00:18:08,411 That's too bad. I really liked him. 395 00:18:08,427 --> 00:18:12,721 Yeah. Well, I guess we're just a threesome tonight. 396 00:18:23,106 --> 00:18:26,062 Lily, what are you doing here? 397 00:18:26,078 --> 00:18:29,344 Oh, I was just walking by. I wasn't... 398 00:18:29,379 --> 00:18:32,163 Oh, you mean New York? My program ended. 399 00:18:32,177 --> 00:18:35,023 It was just great. Just lots of fun... 400 00:18:35,036 --> 00:18:38,184 It was awful. It was the worst mistake I ever made. 401 00:18:38,198 --> 00:18:41,581 I'm so sorry, Marshall, and... hello. 402 00:18:43,868 --> 00:18:46,842 Lily, this was the worst summer of my life. 403 00:18:46,856 --> 00:18:49,572 I know. It was the worst summer of my life. 404 00:18:49,587 --> 00:18:52,602 It was the hardest thing that I've ever had to go through. 405 00:18:53,778 --> 00:18:56,494 Can we please get back together? 406 00:18:57,528 --> 00:19:00,753 All that crap you said to me about, 407 00:19:00,767 --> 00:19:04,173 "we need to figure out who we are outside of us, 408 00:19:04,188 --> 00:19:07,124 and we need to learn to do things on our own," 409 00:19:07,997 --> 00:19:10,211 it broke my heart. 410 00:19:11,658 --> 00:19:14,232 Three months ago, you broke my heart. 411 00:19:16,099 --> 00:19:19,183 Can we please get back together? 412 00:19:20,536 --> 00:19:22,512 Lily, you were right. 413 00:19:24,069 --> 00:19:26,454 All that crap was right. 414 00:19:27,929 --> 00:19:29,852 So, no. 415 00:19:30,298 --> 00:19:32,532 No, we can't get back together. 416 00:19:32,546 --> 00:19:34,284 We shouldn't. 417 00:19:34,477 --> 00:19:36,623 At least, not right now. 418 00:19:39,027 --> 00:19:40,664 Wow. 419 00:19:40,958 --> 00:19:42,643 Okay. 420 00:19:43,928 --> 00:19:45,661 Yeah. 421 00:19:47,317 --> 00:19:48,773 Well... 422 00:19:50,766 --> 00:19:53,362 Will we still see each other? 423 00:19:53,836 --> 00:19:55,934 Yeah, yeah. 424 00:19:55,948 --> 00:19:57,633 I think so. 425 00:19:59,158 --> 00:20:00,883 I don't know. 426 00:20:02,089 --> 00:20:04,361 This is all really new to me. 427 00:20:05,779 --> 00:20:08,584 I just got out of a long relationship. 428 00:20:12,848 --> 00:20:14,493 I like your hair. 429 00:20:14,749 --> 00:20:16,554 Thanks. 430 00:20:16,728 --> 00:20:20,494 I figured new city, a different color... 431 00:20:32,814 --> 00:20:36,307 And the pizza there, worst pizza ever. 432 00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:39,618 I'm so glad to be back in New York. 433 00:20:41,153 --> 00:20:44,759 Listen, if there's anything I can do to even begin 434 00:20:44,772 --> 00:20:47,339 to make things up to you... 435 00:20:49,923 --> 00:20:52,447 Actually there may be something that you can do for me, 436 00:20:52,462 --> 00:20:55,949 but you can never ever ask me why. 437 00:20:55,963 --> 00:20:59,167 So then I was promoted to assistant m�nage-er... 438 00:20:59,182 --> 00:21:02,240 Manager-- why do I keep doing that? 439 00:21:03,743 --> 00:21:07,318 - Lily? - You gave me chlamydia, you jerk. 440 00:21:11,814 --> 00:21:15,089 So where was I? Ah, yes, assistant m�nage-er... 441 00:21:15,104 --> 00:21:18,149 I did it again. I can't believe it. 442 00:21:19,032 --> 00:21:24,228 You gave my twin sister chlamydia. You slime! 443 00:21:26,352 --> 00:21:28,830 Wha... wait, I know magic. 444 00:21:32,363 --> 00:21:34,817 Well played, Eriksen. 445 00:21:34,835 --> 00:21:37,349 Well played. 446 00:21:39,055 --> 00:21:43,377 Transcript : Raceman Subtitles : Willow's Team www.forom.com 447 00:21:44,305 --> 00:21:50,775 Support us and become VIP member to remove all ads from www.OpenSubtitles.org 32883

Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.