All language subtitles for a.christmas.karen.2022.720p.web.h264-skyfire

[theme music]

NIA: [SINGING] I wish
you a Merry Christmas.

I wish you a Merry Christmas.

Hot chocolate for sale.

I wish you a Merry Christmas.

I wish you a Merry Christmas.

I wish you a Merry Christmas.

Wow.

Hot chocolate for sale.

I wish you a Merry Christmas.

I wish you a Merry Christmas.

I wish you Merry Christmas.

OK, stop singing.

What is this?

What's going on here?

Hot chocolate for sale.

Hi, Ms. Karen,
would you like yours

with or without marshmallows?

Oh, this is a
residential street.

I know.

I live here.

And I live right there.

OK?

I'm trying to
watch Judy Justice.

You can't sell
lemonade on the street.

It's hot chocolate.

Where's your permit?

Huh?

Your Florida sales permit?

Just as I thought.

It's a good thing I
called the police.

What?

What is going on here?

We got a call about an
illegal business being

operated out of this home.

What?

Ma'am, I'd like to speak
to you inside about that,

if you don't mind.

Of course, sir.

Robin better
watch what she says

or she'll get her ass
slapped right into jail.

I hope your mother
doesn't have to go

downtown to the police station.

I'm willing to
forgive and forget

if you shut down this
illegal operation

and go hide in your room.

Scat!

[barking]

And your little dog too.

Da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da, da.

Da, da, da, da, da, da, da,
da, da, hot chocolate for free.

No.

No.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Something's wrong with this.

Yeah, you ordered a dry eggnog
cappuccino brave heavy cream,

six shot venti, five pumps sugar
free white mocha, low milk,

not no milk.

Four pumps hazelnut, six honey,
a double caramel drizzle.

Yeah.

This was made with 2%.

I'm on Keto and I'm not going
to get my full fat balance

for the day.

I haven't had a slice
of bread in six weeks.

Are you trying to kill me?

I specifically asked for this
to be poured and it was stirred.

Poured.

Take it back.

And I want a biscotti.

These are an extra $4,
but they are really good.

No biscotti.

You've upped your prices again.
and you need to discount that.

Because I'm a
churchgoing woman who

will not pay $6.66 for a drink.

Don't make me go to
another coffee shop.

Hand sanitizer?

WOMAN 1: I'll take some.

Me too.

So ladies, tell me.

What is the latest
dish the dirt?

I know what this is.

KAREN: Oh, that
was the wrong tube.

It was my happy gel.

And some napkins.

Looks like Brad's got Karen.

And make it to go.

Don't worry.

She does this all the time.

And I do this all the time.

Voila.

Nice.

That's better.

Make it right the first
time and maybe I'll tip you.

Nah.

Oh, great.

Gift to a lost soul.

I'll give you this.

Do your part and
throw it away for me.

JACKIE: Oh, thanks, Karen.

What?

I need a little Valium
and a lot of wine.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

You scratched my car.

Who are your parents?

What's your phone number?

Lawsuit pending.

Next time you leap out in front
of my car, I just won't break.

And you will be toast.

Toast!

[mumbles]

Would you like to
donate $1 to help save

the homeless mother shelter?

That house for street walkers?

Let it die and be done with it.

Abstinence.

Decrease the excess copulation.

Here.

OK.

Um, this expired four years ago.

Are you new here?

Every store in this
town honors my coupons.

The only reason I came in here
is because they're all closed.

Christmas Eve.

Well, ma'am.

Ma'am?

Oh, don't you ma'am me.

Don't you, ma'am me.

Did she just say mammy?

Well, Caroline, I would
like to speak to your manager.

Assistant manager
to register four.

Did I say assistant manager?

I want to speak to your manager.

La señora?
Hi.

Can I help you?

You can help me
find the manager.

I wish to speak to the manager.

I want to speak to the manager.

I'm the manager on duty.

How dare you talk back to me.

I'm here to help you, ma'am.

Ma'am?

Oh, that's it.

This conversation is over.

I'm calling corporate.

We are privately owned.

Oh, my God, I will pay for
one of her bottles of wine

if she'll just get
the hell out of here.

Yes, I would
like the corporate

office number for [muffled].

I don't want to be put on hold.

I don't care.

Yes, Karen Whitehead.

And put me on the
phone with someone

who speaks better English.

[humming]

[SINGING] Drinking juice.

Drinking juice.

It's going to be delicious.

Dee, do, do.

Dee. do, do.

Dee.

Two minutes, pot pie time.

Pot pie.

The chicken and the veggies
and the chicken and the veggies

and the pot pie time.

I'll do that tomorrow.

[doorbell]

That better be Amazon with the
right size jeggings this time.

CHILDREN: [SINGING] Deck the
halls with boughs of holly.

Fa, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la.

Leave me alone!

No solicitors.

I hate school break.

You know what?

No Christmas.

No carolers.

Christmas bugs me.

It's Florida.

It's hot as hell.

[doorbell]

Oh, why you little sh--

Hey, Karen.

[screams]

Get off my porch, trespasser.

I'm coming in, Karen.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, this wine has an extra kick.

Oh.

[ding]

Pot pie.

[humming]

[gasps]

[screams]

What up, biatch?

Yum.

Right, care bear?

It is really dark in here.

Better.

Listen, I don't know what the
hell or who the hell you are,

lady.

But nobody calls me care
bear except my old boss.

Jackie?

Jackie Morley, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

Spoon.

But you died 20 years ago.

This very night, during your
neighborhood Christmas party.

Are you going to save
some for the rest of us?

Did you just take the last
bacon wrapped tater tot?

[humming]

It was like right here.

That was a bad ass heart attack.

I don't even know
what caused it.

I don't think we'll ever know.

Hey, Jackie, how about you
not eat all my ice cream?

Silence!

[belches]

Seriously?

Ugh.

You're not real.

You're not real.

All right, look,
I came here to warn

you that you are on a super fast
track to end up just like me.

Are you even listening to me?

[laughs] Mm-mm.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Is it-- is it like just you?

Mm-hmm.

Aw, you never found a man.

I don't need a man, like you.

That's right.

I was never married.

But I always had a married man.

Now, are you-- are you still
doing that house to house

progressive Christmas party?

No.
No.

No?

There's too many people of
color in the neighborhood now.

Wow.

Honey, you are so screwed.

Screwed.

Well, how am I-- wait.
Wait.

- Wait for what now?
- What?

I'm like you.

You were great.

Arrogant and entitled
and ignorant.

OK, turns out those
aren't good things.

Blew your mind.

And you do not want
to end up like us.

See?

There are so many
lost souls out there.

And we wander the
Earth among the living.

Doomed to witness the simple
acts of human kindness.

Jeez.

JACKIE: Kindness that
we were too stingy with

and our lifetimes.

And in this endless
purgatory, we

are bound by the
indiscretions of our past.

Behold.

OK.

I where the chains
I forged in life.

You are a hallucination
just brought

on by cheap wine and
Canadian painkillers

and a burnt pot pie, bad gravy.

Ooh.

Enough with the chains.

What the hell happened to you?

You were a bad babe that was
always in everybody's business.

OK, but what was my business?

Overcharging customers,
bullying suppliers,

banging my friends' husbands.

That's the--

Kindness should
have been my business.

Human welfare should
have been my business.

You said, the people that are
on food stamps are just taken--

Oh, my God.

Charity, mercy, chastity
should have been my business.

Enough with the chastity.

Anyway, the reason
that I am here

is to let you know
that there is a way

that you can escape my fate.

Well, you did always
have dirt to dish.

So hit me.

All right, you are going to
be visited by three spirits.

No way.

No.

Ghosts, Karen.

G-g-g-ghosts.

The first one's going to
be here in about an hour.

Tonight?

Yup.

And then another
and then another.

Can I just take them all at
one time and be done with it?

Super kinky.

And nope.

Now if you'll excuse me,
I need to join the others

and be frickin' miserable.

Don't step on the bush.

Don't step on the-- you
stepped on the bushes.

Jackie?

Oh, never mind.

Never mind.

[belches]

[snoring]

COMPUTERIZED VOICE:
Intruder alert.

Intruder alert.

Police--

What do you--

what do you want?

It's all good.

It's all good.

Bring it down a notch.

Tap the brakes a bad.

Chill Bill, yo.

Just attack me.

Get it over with.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.
No, girl.

Ain't nothing got me
climbing up into that--

none of this glory is going
anywhere near that hole.

Wait.

Are you the spirit Jackie
said would visit me?

Oh, Coochie Chain.

We call her Coochie Chain.

Yeah.

I'm the ghost of
past Christmases.

Way in the past?

No, just-- just your past.

I'm like a guardian
angel just assigned

to you and a couple other hoes.

Who?

Just you, as far
as you're concerned.

So let's go.

You can kiss my ass.

I will burn your ass and
serve it up as a hot meal

to some shrieking banshees.

Karen.

Did I say that out loud?

Oops.

Sorry about that.

My bad.

So let's go.

Where?

You'll see.

Just touch my hand.

But, um--

What.

Never touched the hand
of someone like me?

No, no.
It's not that.

It's just you've been out there
with all those other spirits

and when was the last time
you washed your hands.

Just touch my hand.

See?

Now we're in the past.

Way back in the day
before your house

was built, before your
neighborhood existed.

How far back?

43 years, when you
were a little girl.

That's impossible
because I'm only 39.

Right.

Remember, I know everything.

OK, girlfriend?

I'm kind of nostalgic that way.

Now we need to find
your younger self.

I lived about a mile that way.

Then here we go.

Walk with me.

[SINGING] On the first
day of Christmas,

my true love gave to me a
partridge in a pear tree.

Nine maidens dancing.

eight maids a
milking, seven swans

a swimming, six geese a laying.

Five--

Hasn't it been a mile already?

Just about.

Well, can't we fly or
step into a dimensional--

Let's keep it real, Karen.

Give me a break.

Well, let go of my hand.

[honking]

They built this highway
after you were a kid.

Truck.

Truck.

Maybe you should go
back to holding my head.

OK, don't let go.

[SINGING] Five golden rings.

Oh, God, no.

Four calling birds, three
French hens, two turtle doves.

And a partridge in a pear tree.

Here we are.

Oh.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

I'm counting down the days.

Christmas time is here again.

Everybody's coming to town.

Santa I got someone
special I was thinking of.

I'm hoping you can help me out.

Look.

Holy Frieda.

Wax that unibrow.

It's our old nativity set.

[children laughing]

It's the evil twins,
Max and Marty.

Remember, these are shadows
of things that have been.

They won't know who we are.

So it's like we're invisible?

Oh, shit.

No.

I said they don't know you.

I didn't say you were
wearing a cloaking device.

Sorry, Max.

How did you know my name?

Stranger danger, Max.

Stranger danger.

Mommy!

So be careful what you touch.

Now, come on.

Come on.
What's wrong with you?

Let's go.

I don't want to.

It's too much for me.

I don't want to see my mom.

What's wrong with you?

Don't you remember anything?

Your parents were never
home, especially this night.

You were a latchkey kid.

So the only one that's going
to open that damn door is--

Me.

Hi, I'm Karen.

Um, hi.

Would you like to come
in and join us for tea?

Um, well, I don't
think you should do that.

Just invite strangers
into your house.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: Kitchen
cleans and disinfects.

--filled with the
stockings and lots of toys,

[inaudible] soldiers deployed.

[inaudible] and
the miniatures too.

Tell Mom and Dad we
take credit cards too.

Ho, ho, ho.

[inaudible] Here we
go, Brother's Toys.

Ho, ho, ho.

Man, our old TV.

ANNOUNCER [ON TV]: And now,
back to our movie marathon.

Well, kind sir, what
shall I put you down for?

They still play this movie for
24 hours every Christmas Eve.

Just go with it.

Maddy and me--

Maddy and I.

Maddy and me are having tea.

Maddy, this is--

Ka-- uh, Carrie Underwood.

And I'm Kanye.

Yay.

Carrie Underwood just loves
how you set the table, Maddy.

Oh, honey.

You don't want to
do that to the box.

These dolls are worth
much more mint in box.

If you just hadn't ruined it.

I'm sorry.

Karen, it-- it's just--

was I always the
stupid as a child?

No.

But you were that lonely.

You didn't know it at the
time, but your path to Karen

began this very night.

I don't know if it was how
Max and Marty teased you,

Karen's got cooties.

Nobody likes you.

And your parents left you
alone too go to a cocktail

party on Christmas Eve.

You were lonely,
but not forever.

Let's see another Christmas.

Just touch my chest.

You got to be kidding?

Come on.

Touch it.

God, Todd you are such a homo.

Todd.

Don't talk to your
mother that way or I'll

take back your training bra.

You can't take it back
because you're wearing it.

Give it here.

- Skittle tits.
- Twinkie.

- Chewbacca.
- Ah!

TODD: Skittle tits.

Skittle tits.

You haven't spoken to
your brother in what?

Years.

You know Todd got
married to a man.

Yeah.

Well, to each their own.

Yeah, well, that's not
what you say when you

pass gay couples on the street.

And Todd's your brother, Karen.

I miss him.

TEEN KAREN: Todd.

TODD: Stop pulling my hair.

[laughs]

KAREN: Oh, hello.

Are you the new babysitters?

What?

Oh, so now Mom wants to
start using babysitters.

This is all your fault, Todd.

You've been acting
so weird lately.

This isn't fair.

No.

You're the babysitter.

I'm just--

You let go.

We're back to the
future, as it were.

Their future, your present.

Who was he?

I thought you'd know.
Tenant?

Squatter?

My parents sold
this house years ago.

[gun shot]

What am I doing?

I'm a ghost.

You can't-- you already
shot Rudolph once.

What a dick.

Karen, wait up.

I'll get us a ride.

- You call ride share?
- That was us.

Thank you, brother.

Get in.

Get in.

Let's go.

Good evening, lady and gentleman
and everything in between.

So you're going to the
warehouse district?

You got it.

That's right over here.

Such a short ride.

Oh, my Gaia.

What the hell?

You're the lady
give me zero stars.

Then you'll call my
manager to complain

so you can get a free ride.

That's the one.

Free ride, baby.

And she told your manager you
should go back to your country.

Oh, hell no.

Get out.

Crazy lady and artist
formerly known as Prince.

But we got like a mile to go.

DRIVER: Have fun
walking, jackass.

Don't call me again.

That was a perfectly
good free ride share

I had to lie my ass off to get.

Girl, you going there again.

Aren't you getting what
this is all about here?

Sorry.
Jeez.

Look, I get it.

You were picked on
and you were lonely.

Then you ended up with a
gloriously gay brother.

But you need to
get into the spirit

like "Miracle on 34th Street."

But you wouldn't know anything
about that, would you?

Because you're never in
the Christmas spirit.

KAREN: Where are you going?

And this ain't no
"It's A Wonderful Life."

I ain't waiting on no wings.

And I've got better things to
do than to listen to your sorry

ass whine about this and at.

OK.

I need a drink.

Where are we?

At a bar.

Hallelujah.

Karen, get with the program.

This is the present,
the bar is in the past.

You know the cocktail
bar you worked at?

The Fizzy Pig?

Let's go.

Let's go.

Well, to get to that
part of your past,

you've got to touch my--

Hand?

No.

That'll take us too far back.

Chest?

OK, so if I don't touch your
chest, what do I have to touch?

And you have to hold on tight.

You hear me?

Well--

Then grab that onion, girl.

You're actually going to do it?

Just hold my belt. And
you dare not let go

or I'll leave you in this
rotten old warehouse all night.

Ready?

Let's do it.

Hang on.

Here we go.

[music playing]

[SINGING] I got the feeling
that this night getting better.

Yeah, I'm a virgin.

Why do you guys
always ask me that?

[music playing]

[SINGING] And we
going to get together.

She got some friends.

I got my posse and [inaudible].

No holding back.

[inaudible]

Everybody having a good time?

[cheering]

All right.

Well, as you know,
here at the Fizzy Pig,

it's a Christmas Eve
tradition that after 7

PM, management tends
the bar while our staff

get a chance to--

what comes before part B?

Party.

Yeah.

Champagne and beer
for everybody.

[cheering]

Best boss ever.

Chaz really knows-- knew
how to treat people.

Good role model.

Maybe you should--
- Woo!

We love you.

She's not listening to me.

She's not listening to me.

You're not listening to me.

Oh, wait.

The staff can't get to
this side of the bar

until they first get up
here for one more dance.

[cheering]

Oh, my God.

That's me.

That's me.

And show them
your appreciation.

This is their Christmas bonus.

The bartender with the
most dollars at their feet

wins the Fizzy Pig
wreath made of $20 bills.

Booyah!

[music playing]

[SINGING] 94,
[inaudible] by the door.

[inaudible] DJ one time.

Cotton candy, sweet as gold,
let me see your Tootsie Roll.

Tootsie Roll.

Just make that Tootsie Roll.

Tootsie Roll.

Just make that Tootsie Roll.

Tootsie Roll.

Let me see that Tootsie Roll.

Tootsie Roll.

Just make that Tootsie Roll.

To the left.

To the left.

To the right.

To the right.
To the front.

To the front.

To the back.

To the back.

Now slide.
- No, no, no.

Not like that.

You need to twerk.

Like this.

Shake it like a
Polaroid picture.

[music playing]

[SINGING] To the right.

To the right.

To the right.
To the right.

To the front.

To the front.

To the back.

To the back.

Now dip, baby, dip.

CROWD: Oh.

[cheering]

Well, well, well.

It's obvious who our winner is.

Let's hear it for Tonya.

[music playing]

[cheering]

To Tonya.

CROWD: To Tonya.

Tonya.

That's all right, girl.

You may have had a better chance
if they played Barry Manilow.

[laughter]

I have to pee.

What?

Seriously, I need to pee.

What?

We were having
fun out there, no?

Such a small matter to
make these silly folks

so full of gratitude.

It isn't that.

No?

Our boss had the
power to make us happy.

Paper.

Working here could have been
a bitch, but he made it fun.

Until--

Until?

Until Tonya, the
black beauty ruined it.

You know that's
a horse, right?

Oh.

So she was Black and was better
than you, so now brothers

and sisters, watch out.

It's a lifetime of
payback from Karen.

Crap.

What?

Well, there's this little
girl that lives next door

and I may have gotten
her mom arrested.

GARY: What the butt?

KAREN: I can explain.

GARY: I know what
you did, but I can't

wait to hear your version.

KAREN: Never mind.

Just let me finish.

Can you just get off.

GARY: Easy.

You're like riding a bull.

KAREN: Let me finish.

GARY: OK, hold on tight or
you know what will happen.

KAREN: I will but it's
kind of hard to do that

and reach around for myself.

GARY: Try this.

Take your free
hand and grab here.

KAREN: I'm trying, but
I'm not a contortionist.

GARY: OK, this isn't working.

I'll tell you what.

Just go ahead and
take all of this.

KAREN: But it's so damn little.

GARY: You got it?

OK, now pull.

Gently.

Gently.

What the fu--

About yanked my ear off.

It's a clip on.

As long as that earrings
on somewhere, we're good.

You don't have to
touch anything.

Why didn't we do that
from the beginning?

And wash your hands.

- We still at the Fizzy Pig?
- No.

Look closer.

Same place, different time.

Chaz sold out, but
you stayed on to work

for the new owner who
turned the frickin' awesome

Fizzy Pig into the--

I can't even say it.

Pigtails Beauty Salon.

This is going
to be interesting.

Karen, you took all
the paper towels.

TODD: Karen, that's not fair.
I've been here all day.

I'm tired.

OK?

It's Christmas Eve.

Jackie's closing early today and
I'm not staying a minute later.

I've got a party to
go to and so do you.

Oh, so you're
just going to leave

Mrs. Benowitz here like that?

You-- no.

You let her in here 10
minutes before closing

without an appointment.

She's a three hour job.

And your boss would like you
to finish that lucrative job.

And as your supervisor--

Supervisor?

OK.

Listen, sis, I joined this
freak show to help make you

look good in front of Jackie.

Because you know
how I can do the do.

Oh, right.

You're Sherwin-Williams
because you can do--

Any color.

TODD: Yes.

But Karen, this poor woman came
in here looking for directions

to the kosher deli.

And you talked
her into a dye job

so that you could
show off for Jackie.

Todd, I swear to God--

Jackie.

Oh, what up biatch?

You got another
mare in the chair.

You make that coin, care bear.

That's right.

She was a rough one.

Had a whole lot going on here.

She was everything
I wanted to be.

Always looked out
for number one.

Knew how to work the system.

Screw everybody else.

I learned everything from her.

Hey, Todd.

Hi, Michael.

GARY: What about Chaz?

The greatest boss ever.

He was fun and all,
but Jackie was fierce.

GARY: There's a difference
between fierce and ferocious.

Mr. Deliveryman, I am not
going to accept this package.

There is a scrape on the back.

That's just a
scratch on the box.

Inside, it should be just fine.

Return it.

And tomorrow, I am going
to call the company

and I am going to
get a full refund.

And I am going to
get a free order

because of my inconvenience.

There's standing
up for your rights,

and then there's just not right.

And then I'm going
to call your manager

and I'm going to report you
for manhandling my packages

like yesterday's garbage.

And here, I thought
that you people were

supposed to be gentle and tidy.

That was cold.

Yeah.

What are you talking about?

It's just--

Don't embarrass me, Todd.

I have been tolerating
you being queer since you

were eight years old.

And now you're only defending
this fairy because you--

Well, I am offended
for everyone.

Karen, can you not see
what you're turning into?

It's better than who you are.

I'm done.

I am done.

I quit.

KAREN AND JACKIE:
You can't quit.

You're fired.

Look at you.

You are going places.

Now, you are going to have to
take care of Mrs. Benowitz.

And try to get her to pay cash.

Boy, those people
always carry cash.

And I've got about a million
Christmas parties to get to.

But don't worry, I'm going to
get to your little progressive.

So I'll see you later.

Ta ta and ho ho, ho.

[laughter]

Merry Christmas to me.

She's going to
my party and she--

Yeah, whatever.

Entitled white woman.

Your parents messed you
up, but that Jackie--

I want to go home.

I have more stuff.

Like, don't you want to
see when your mom and dad--

What?
Died?

And ultimately, abandoned
me like everybody else.

No, I don't.

I was going to say got
you a car for Christmas.

I didn't need a car.

I needed them.

OK, take off the earring.

Give it here.

So you can jump
from place to place.

Yeah.

I was just messing
with you back there.

It was fun walking
around and driving

and stuff until things got heavy
with your brother and Jackie.

Well, got to go.

Wait, no.

What?

Oh.

This is just a dream, right?

Karen, considering that I am
the embodiment of all things

you've grown to diminish,
disdain and detest,

I guess it's more
of a nightmare.

OK, good.

It's just a nightmare.

Totally fake.

All in the past.

Where's my Xanax?

[laughs]

[snoring]

CHOIR: [SINGING] Joy to the
world, the Lord is come.

Let Earth receive her King.

Let every heart
prepare Him room.

Come in.

CHOIR: [SINGING] And
heaven and nature sing.

And heaven and nature sing.

And heaven and nature sing.

JOY: [SINGING] And heaven--

and heaven and nature sing.

I love this stuff.

It cleans and disinfect.

Hey, that's my robe.

I know, right?

Thank you for the present.

Do you get it?

Do you see what I did there?

Thank you for the present.

Right.

Because you're the
ghost of Christmas--

Present.

Yes, that's right.

You're not dumb, Karen.

That's not why
everyone hates you.

What?

Who hates me?

I'll kill him.

Right.

Now this is the problem.

It's all that attitude.

It's giving people stank face.

Oh.

And you can stop it
right now with that RBF.

Come on.

You-- the Resting Bitch Face.

[scoffs] I don't--

that's is where I
carry my tension.

Oh, OK.

You can tell yourself
all you want, dear.

But you've got loads of
ways to fix that these days.

Creams, injections.

I didn't have that.

I died young.

It was a blessing really.

All right, whatever.

I can't think of
anyone who doesn't

think I am a terrific person.

[laughs] Karen,
you do make me laugh.

Fine.

Show me all the people
I've pissed off.

Ooh, all right.

Let's get down to it.

Grab hold of my robe.

- My robe.
- My robe.

- Mine.
- Mine.

- Mine.
- It's mine.

I found it in your
bedroom and I put it on.

And now it's mine.
It looks good on me.

I got it complimentary
after arguing

with the manager of the hotel.

He gave it to you
to get rid of you.

Don't kid yourself, Karen.

Whatever.

Hold on.

Oh, do you see what I did there?

I said hold on.

But I meant like, wait.

Not like hold on
hold on to my robe.

Wow.

Intense.

English language.

This way.

Please, don't cut
through the bushes.

Shortcut.

Look at this.

This is fantastic, Karen.

Thank you.

We're going to need some
room for takeoff, so--

yep, this looks all right.

Here.

Hold on.

Fine.

Let's go!

Oh.

What the hell happened?

I saw the Earth from up there
and now we're back at my house.

Oh.

No, we're at your
neighbor's house.

See, that's the property line.

We were over there
and now we're here.

Why?

What do you mean, Karen?

Why space flight?

Well, because when
you have all of this,

you might as well
use it, you know?

Now let's walk through a wall.

Ow.

JOY: You have to hold
on to this, Karen.

You ain't Slimer.

Oh, God.

I didn't know anybody was home.

Calm down, Karen.

They can't see or hear you.

But in the past,
they could see us.

The past is Gary's
thing, all right?

Gary?

Yes, Gary.

We have names, you know?

What's your name?

It doesn't matter.

Listen, I need you to focus.

Focus, all right?

As long as you hold
on to my robe--

My robe.

My robe-- they
can't see or hear you.

And we can walk through
walls and stuff.

It's like we're voyeurs.

Now look, what you've
done to that little girl.

Mommy, I'm scared.

What are you scared of, baby?

Ms. Karen.

Our neighbor?

Dickens is scared of her too.

See?

Why.

Ms. Karen said
they're going to slap

her ass while you're in jail.

[laughs] What?

Because of me.

Honey, that is
not going to happen.

I don't think that's
what Ms. Karen meant.

Come here.

Did she just say bitch?

Dog.

I'm sure she was
talking about the dog.

Now, Dad's getting
cleaned up, so

let's get you ready for tonight,
the light show on Jeater Bend.

We need to check it out
tonight because tomorrow

night, guess who's going to
be their Christmas angel?

- Me.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, and be sure to grab your
money for Candy Cane Lane.

Will Ms. Karen be there?

Honey, I know Ms. Karen can
be a bit cranky sometimes,

you know, because she's old.

Yeah, old and um--

Rude?

ROBIN: Yeah, and
a bit rude and--

And smelly.

What?

Scotty says she smells
like a elephant's vajayjay.

ROBIN: Your friend Scotty Smith?

What's a vajayjay?

OK, why are we here?

Shh.

It's just getting good.

Why are we here, please?

You're getting distracted.

Here.

Take this side.

Oh, great.

Another bathroom.

We're here because you
need to open your eyes.

Oh, they're open.

What?

Oh.

Will you focus?

OK, baby, let's open
up these curls, OK?

Honey, the doctors told
us this would happen.

Your hair is beautiful,
but it's just hair.

It will grow back, I promise.

Tonight, let's give it a bow.

Yeah?

It's Christmas Day tomorrow.

I'll wear a hat
to church, Mommy.

I want the people to think about
baby Jesus, not worry about me.

That's your job.

You are so right about that.

And I don't want
nobody taking my job.

[laughter]

Let's take your
special medicine, baby.

Nice robe.

What?

You know, what's--

what's wrong with, um--

You don't know
her name, do you?

How long have you
been neighbors?

I don't know.
About--

KAREN AND JOY: Five years.

That's right.

Nia.

Nia.

OK, so what's wrong with Nia?

Leukemia.

She's on a cocktail of pills
that are definitely going

to make her hair fall out.

But if she stays
on the treatment,

she's got a fairly good chance.

I didn't know that.

ROBIN: Well, did
you know that this

is just about the last of the
pills because money's dried up.

They've got three
mortgages on this house

and she can forget about any
presents tomorrow morning,

because now they have to
choose between meds and food.

So I've got some work
to do at the office.

And I will try to see two
at the late show after.

Oh, Daddy, I almost forgot.

On your way to
work, could you take

this letter to the big mailbox?

Sure.

I put two stamps on it so it
should get there really fast.

I didn't send anything earlier
because Santa is really busy.

But now, I'm kind
of freaking out.

OK, Nini.

It should make it
there tonight easy.

Don't open it.

It's for Santa.

Oh, right.

Sorry.

All right, baby.

Get your boots on.

I'm going to be right back, OK?

OK, Mommy.
Bye, Daddy.

Bye, baby.

They're going to
read the letter.

They're going to
read the letter.

This way.

Ow.

You let go of my robe.

My robe.

CHRIS: Nia.
- He's coming.

He's coming.

Grab it.

Oh.

Sorry about that.

Oh, come on.

That was weird.

Sounded like Karen
from next door was--

what's the matter, honey?

I know that Mommy and
Daddy help you get presents.

And I know they don't
have money because of me.

[sobbing quietly] So if you have
any leftovers kids don't want,

I'll give them a home.

[crying] Oh, my god, my baby.

And if one of the leftovers
happens to be a skateboard,

that would be fun.

Most of all, please
talk to God so my family

can be happy again.

We have to get her
to something, anything.

I have to go.

I'll come home.

OK, Christmas angel, let's go.

Can't they just get her a
skateboard or whatever by--

By what?

By selling some things?

Robin here has become
an expert at eBay,

selling anything they can spare.

And Nia was trying
to help her mom

and dad by selling
some hot chocolate

and spreading Christmas cheer.

But, no.

Some old--

OK, I didn't know.

Well, you need to know
that you don't know.

And you're random
acts of unkindness

ain't working, as wonderfully
narcissistic as they are.

Yeah, well, I don't
even know that word.

You should.

So what's going
to happen to her?

To Nia?

Well, if she stops taking the
medication, she's going to be--

what was it you always say?

Toast.

Toast.

Toast.

Bugger.

We're going to be late
for the annual toast.

Let's go.

Son of bitch!

Don't do that again.

TODD: To--

Todd.

--my sister Karen.

May she have a very
Merry Christmas.

EVERYONE: Cheers.

To Karen.

It's a nice place.

It looks like Todd's still
with what's his name.

Michael.

Arrogant kale.

This mojito needs more vodka.

Really.

A mojito is made
with rum, Todd.

He hasn't changed at all.

Toddy, you know
I love you so much.

And every Christmas
Eve, we toast

to our friends and family.

Yes.

And you always raise a glass
to your sister Karen, but--

But what?

But when was the
last time you seen her?

Texted her?

Talk to her?

I mean, well, you
know, she's kind of a--

Kind of a what?

You know.

Well, stick up
for me, brother.

Kind of-- excuse me.

She's kind of a evil queen.

[laughter]

So does that make
you "Snow White?"

Oh, right.

Or maybe [inaudible],, a demon
that eats children's eyeballs.

Yeah, Karen would eat
a children's eyeball.

I would-- yes.

You know, she walks in a room,
it's very Darth Vader tone.

ALL: Yeah.

It's the mouth breathing.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, very much.

You know what
she reminds me of?

You in "Lord of
the Rings" there's

that-- that giant
tower that's just an

eyeball that's like
staring, looking

for issues to complain about.

She reminds-- she
reminds me of someone

that needs surgery to fix
everything about her face.

[laughter]

Kind of like an Ursula.

Yes.

Ursula could go for surgery.

Or Cruella de Vil.

- Whoa.
- Sure.

Sure.

Well, Disney villains
notwithstanding, I was

thinking more of the Grinch.

Oh, yes.

Yeah.

Am I right?

There you go.

To my sister Karen, not quite
a nun if you're comparing,

more like the Grinch.

You can't stop staring.

A real hot mess.

Um--

And let's hope
that she's barren.

[laughter]

Baby.

I'm going to go turn this
mojito into a margarita.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

I know you laugh right
now to keep from crying.

I don't blame her
for resenting me.

What?

Growing up, she took
the brunt of the abuse.

She got into so many
fights defending me.

Sadness, anger, resentment.

It takes a toll on a person.

She hides behind--

I miss her.

I miss the old Karen.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, look, someday
you're entitled,

arrogant sister
will come around.

Entitled?

Arrogant?

What have I ever said that
is entitled or arrogant?

Can I see your manager?

Do you know how much money I
spend at this place every week?

You're in America,
speak English.

Go back to where you came from.

That doesn't apply to me.

I'm being discriminated against.

Do you know who I am?

All Lives Matter.

You lost my business forever.

[laughs] I mean, really.

Have you listened
to yourself, Karen?

Like really listened
to yourself?

My brother hates me.

He doesn't hate you.

He feels sorry for you.

Come on.

I want to show you something.

Calm down, Karen.

I'm not going to launch
you into the sky this time.

Look.

Come on.

You're not holding my robe
and everyone can see you.

My robe.

My robe.

My robe.

All right, let's see what
your neighborhood is up to.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Are you
ready for Christmas?

Are you decking the halls?

Are you ready for Christmas?

We'll be having a ball.

Are you ready for Christmas?

Are you having some fun.

Are you ready for Christmas?

It's only just begun.

Oh.

Oh.

Look at this beauty.

Bring [inaudible] pride and joy.

These people are nuts.

These people are
your neighbors.

Really?

Yeah.

I never drive-through
this part of town.

What's that up ahead?

Oh, no.

You don't want to see any
more of this flash and trash.

I never called it that.

[laughs] You do
make me laugh, Karen.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Are you
ready for Christmas?

Are you decking the halls?

Are you ready for Christmas?

You'll be having a ball.

Are you ready for Christmas?

Are you having some fun?

Are you ready for Christmas?

It's only just begun.

Oh.

Oh.

It's only just begun.

The lights on Jeater Bend.

Behold, the wonderment of a
multicolored tinkling display

of mechanized electronic joy.

It's indescribably beautiful.

It reminds me of
the 4th of July.

Too bad it's going to be shut
down permanently after tonight.

What?

Unfortunately, someone
said this abomination

was breaking the noise
ordinance and causing

traffic to slow down.

Oh, and then they
threatened to sue.

Oh.

Yeah, apparently, some people
have to rush home to get to--

now remind me, Karen,
what is it you have

to rush home to get to again?

Exactly.

You didn't even
know what this was.

And because it minorly
inconvenienced you,

you shut it down.

So they support a different
charity every night?

Yeah.

Isn't that nice?

Oh, and guess he was supposed
to be tomorrow night.

Mm-hmm.

Well, that ain't happening.

Oh, look.

We're just in time to see them
break the news to little Nia.

So shines a good deed
in a weary world.

Booyah.

Bet you feel like poop on
a platter now, don't you?

Hmm?

Next up, a bawdy bordello.

Giddy up, little red.

Yeehaw!

[laughs]

That's not a bordello.

It's the homeless
mother's shelter.

Yep.

You got it.

And guess who works--

correction, worked
at the shelter.

KAREN: Oh, for god's sakes.

Seriously?

What do I have to do with the
homeless mother's shelter?

That house for street walkers,
let it die and be done with it.

Abstinence.

OK, I know what I said.

Don't make me dredge
up the past again, Karen.

That's Gary's job.

Am I too late to
drop off packages?

Well, it's Christmas Eve.

Um--

WOMAN 2: I know.

I know I'm very late, but I
hope somebody can use these.

I'm sure they could.

Thank you so much.

And Merry Christmas.

Yes, uh, Merry Christmas.

So what happens to, um--

to--
- Chris.

His name is Chris.

KAREN: So what happens?

Ugh.

I do the present, Karen.

I don't do the t.

That's Gary's gig.

And I definitely don't
do what Damon does.

Damon?

Who's Damon?

What am I doing?

He just broke into
that donation box.

He did?

KAREN: He's stealing
those gifts.

Karen.

Who does he think he is?

Karen.

You're going there again.

Read the room.

Haven't you learned anything?

I've learned that my next door
neighbor is a common criminal.

I should have known better.

Thief.

JOY: Everyone can see
and hear you, Karen.

If you're so eager to judge,
why don't you run after him

and make that citizen's arrest.

What?

No.

I didn't mean it.

OK.

So instead, go home.

Do what your neighbors do.

Try to treat every day
as though it's a gift.

You know that's
why they call it--

The present.

Exactly.

Ta ta, Karen.

My robe.

[growling]

[beeping]

9:00.

I'm up.

Hi, um, Karen, right?

I'm Damon.

I'm the ghost of future Chris--

right.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It was just a dream.

[screams]

[screams]

- What do you want from me?
- I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

Joy told me she
was done with you.

And Gary was way done with you.

And Coochie Chain-- we
call her Coochie Chain--

she told me to be
here right at 9:00.

So I thought that--

Wait.

That last ghost,
her name was Joy?

Is Joy.

Yeah, ghost of present.

Like jump for joy,
which I would never--

I would never jump for joy.

Or like feeling merry,
which I would also never do,

by the way.

Um, yeah, no.

OK, the first ghost,
his name was Gary?

And you're Damon,
god the future?

Hell no.

Ghost, not god.

That would be radical.

But yeah, no.

Ghost of Christmases
yet to come.

Yeah.

And you're the last
of the ghostly trio?

Those guys are more
associated with Casper.

Yeah, sure.

Well, Damon, I'm
getting really tired

of you and your
friends haunting me

or whatever it is
that you're doing.

You've dredged up my past.

You show me things
in the present that

made me feel really depressed.

Let's just get this over with
so I can get my beauty sleep.

Sorry, yeah.

OK, sorry.

I'll show you how this works.

What do I have to touch?

Huh?
Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Touch this.

I'm kidding.

You don't have to
touch anything.

You just have to walk
through via the void.

The what?

The void.

Oh, by the way, you, uh,
might want to wear these.

No.

I would not be
caught dead in those.

I just--

OK, sure.

Uh, follow me to experience
the shadows of what will be.

[distant voices]

KAREN: The future
is looking bright.

Whoa.

That was me.

Sorry.

Bad hip.

Damon?

Damon?

This didn't work at all.

It's not working.

Damon?

Where are you?

[gasps]

I fear you were not the
little specter I have seen,

yet I will bear your company.

Will you not speak to me?

Oh.

They can't hear or see us.

That's, like, my thing.

They can't?

There are Mexicans
in my living room.

Actually, they're
Puerto Ricans.

Like, not the same thing
at all, by the way.

Your void isn't working,
it just allowed enough time

for a home invasion.

No see, the void did work.

Shadows of the future.

This is just one
year in the future

and these are the
new homeowners.

Oh.

Just so happened to
move in a few days ago.

Impossible.

They're sitting on
my favorite couch.

I would never sell that couch to
anyone, let alone those people.

You know, them.

DAMON: Right.

Well, in this future, with
the path you're currently on,

they get your couch.

I hope I hosed them for it.

What else happens?

Follow me and I'll show you.

Can't we just walked
through a wall or something?

No, no, no, no, no.

That's only Joy's thing.

I also can't do Gary's
clap thing either.

All I have is the void.

And remember, they came
hear or see you, so yeah.

That's pretty much it.

OK.

Got it.

You guys need to
standardize or something.

[music playing on tv]

[ON TV]: Spirit, why do you
take me to this forsaken place?

[speaking spanish]

[speaking spanish]

What are they saying?

I don't know.

I don't speak Spanish.

[ON TV]: Oh, no.

Spirit, no!

No!

No!

[non-english speech]

[non-english speech]

You know we speak
English in America.

Sorry.

No, I'm sorry.

Force of habit.

Don't walk through the bushes.

The Christmas lighted bushes.

What?

They're gone too?

Wonder what happened to them.

Well, for that, we're
probably going to have

to back it up a few weeks.

It's still the future, just,
uh, earlier in the future.

I'm authorized.

OK.
Sure.

Whatever.

Oh.

I could go for some chocolate.

Hey Damon, you got
any cash on you?

[sobbing]

What happened?

Karen, you know.

Joy told you.

They couldn't continue
Nia's medication.

They tried everything.

No one they knew had the
means to afford that stuff.

KAREN: No.

No.

You're just trying to
scare me, freak me out.

Then go check for yourself.

They won't see you.

Why?

Why?

No.

No.

No.

I can't do it.

Get me out of here.

DAMON: OK.

Don't help me up.

Oh, right.

I am invisible and
can't be heard.

But I can listen in.

We're now about two
weeks into the future,

so I don't want you to think
that they're talking about--

Shh.

Dish the dirt, ladies.

I don't know much
about it either.

I only know she died.

When did she die?

Yesterday, I think.

What was the official cause?

Cancer.

You know.

No, I know leukemia.

It's going to
be a cheap funeral

because I don't know anybody
that would want to go to it.

I'm sure she's
got little friends.

I'd go if I knew
they were feeding us.

[laughter]

No, I'm kidding.

I wouldn't want anybody
to see me there.

WOMAN 3: I wouldn't
be caught dead there.

[laughter]

That's not very nice.

That's not very nice.

No.

Not nice at all.

KAREN: I mean, they're
talking that way

about that poor little girl.

Well--

Well, what?

Same time, different place.

KAREN: La placenta whatever.

Why are we at the
Spanish grocery store?

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Just to listen in on
another conversation.

To listen in on
another conversation?

I'm down with that.

OK, this is John and Val
Wilde with Bud Burns.

I didn't know they
shopped Mexican.

I'm sure Betty's here too.

The Wilds are retired,
Betty's a real estate agent,

and Bud is in sales,
whatever that means.

This eavesdropping thing
is definitely a perk.

No, Val, I think you
should get the good stuff.

Go, John.

JOHN: Not to worry.

It's not like she's going
to be drinking it up.

[laughter]

And it is a special occasion.

True.

What's the occasion?

Wait, seriously.

This hasn't clicked
with you yet?

Shh.

WOMAN 4: Val, guys.

So I picked these.

What do you think?

VAL: They're beautiful.

Are you taking them all
to the funeral home?

[laughs] No.

I thought I would save
this one for the grave.

And the rest would look really
good on my kitchen table.

[laughter]

They're going to the funeral.

I didn't know they knew her.

Oh, they knew her.

But I doubt they're
going to the funeral.

BUD: So we could just
swing by, pay our respects

and celebrate at home.

Should we go there?

Isn't that going to
be kind of awkward?

John's right.

We didn't really know her.

It's the least you could do.

And it's not like
she'll miss us?

[laughter]

She died and
they're making jokes?

They're not making
jokes about her.

Did you not see that?

Did you not hear that?

Bud and Betty and John
and Val and Mary and Kimber,

for that matter, they
aren't talking about Nia.

Karen, somebody else's died.

Really?

Who?

You.

[bell]

OK, who put me in a tracksuit?

Seriously?

[organ music]

Yeah, well, the
tracksuit, the staff

here wanted to make it look like
you passed away working out.

When in fact, you electrocuted
yourself drinking margaritas.

Which made the headline news
and a few late night shows.

And in Florida, of
course it was Florida,

a woman met her untimely
demise when she was, quote,

wasted away by margaritas spill.

DAMON: Actually, you made it
out of the pool and all the way

to the front of the house.

KAREN: Surely, somebody
saw me laying there?

DAMON: Well, they
did but they thought

you were just cooling off.

How refreshing.

DAMON: Most of them had
encountered you before,

so they weren't
going to question

what the heck you were doing.

Hey, what about my
little neighbor Nia?

I mean, she's always
in her front yard

selling hot chocolate
or playing hopscotch.

I never complained
about the colored

chalk ruining the sidewalk
and chasing butterflies.

DAMON: Do you not understand?

There is no Nia.

She couldn't save
you because there was

no one there to help save her.

[organ music]

Break time.

And no one's coming
to my funeral, are they?

Why should they?

Well, you're not going
to see the Burnses.

And Betty's at
your house getting

it ready to be sold to that
nice Puerto Rican family.

Fully furnished.

And then they're
going to go out

and celebrate with the Wilds.

You're not going to see
Mary or Kimber either.

They really didn't like you.

So that's it?

I die and they're
just done with me.

My life is meaningless.

It was meaningless.

And now nothing, nobody.

Nobody.

Well, not exactly nobody.

These flowers came
from somebody.

Hello?

Oh, now I feel like shit.

I can't let them see
me in a tracksuit.

Why is she doing
this to herself?

Why are you doing
this to yourself, honey?

Right.

What he said.

Nobody deserves to die young,
whether you're seven or 57.

She meant 47.

She's just upset.

You're such a sweet woman
for caring about a person who

was very, very hard to like.

Believe me, I know.

Yeah, she was a hot mess.

I would know, she was my sister.

I'm so sorry that
you heard that.

No, you're right.

She was really hard to like.

She was so mean,
Taylor Swift probably

wrote a song about her.

Well, we're sorry
for your loss.

How did you know Karen?

She was our neighbor.

Um, we just had our own--

[cries]

I'm sorry.

Karen's accident
happened shortly

after our daughter passed.

Oh, my God.

And we felt
paying our respects

to your sister on the holidays
was the best thing to do.

Because it's what
Nia would have wanted.

Excuse us.

Thanks.

It's OK.

I'm with Nia now.

Well--

Well, hell no.

Damon, tell me is
this the future

or just a possible future?

No, no, no.

No, Damon.

Listen said to me.

I am not the woman that I was.

I can't be that person that
I must have been, I think.

Why would you show me all
this if I'm a lost cause?

Tell me.

I can change what
you've shown me.

That I can alter my life.

It's Christmas
for Christ's sake!

Look I get it.

I'll try not to be so--

so Karenish.

I promise to never ask
for a manager ever again.

No more threatening
to sue children.

And I won't tell people to
go back to their country.

Please, don't
leave me like this.

Don't leave me like this.

Don't leave me like this.

Don't leave me like this.

Don't leave me like this.

[laughs]

Sweet White Jesus.

Just kidding.

Oh, Jackie.

Thank you.

I'm going to live in the
past, present and the future.

I don't know what
to do with myself.

I just don't know what to do.

I feel light as a feather.

I still feel great.

[laughs]

There's my wine glass.

The ice cream is gone.

The counters, they're so clean.

It really happened.

It's true.

Oh.

Joy, Gary, Damon.

Oh, I don't know what day it is.

How long have I been out?

I don't know anything.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, young man.

Could you tell me
what day is it?

Uh, Christmas.

It's Christmas Day.

The spirits did it
all in one night.

Yes, they have.

KAREN: Thank you.

Sure thing, lady.

KAREN: Wait.

Did you get that
skateboard for Christmas?

This cheap-- no.

Would you consider selling it?

Well--

KAREN: I have $300
in my sock drawer.

Deal.

OK.

Don't-- don't go anywhere.

Just wait.

Stay.

Don't leave.

I'll be right back.

I'll wrap it up and put
it on Nia's front porch.

Better yet.

I'll present it to her myself.

$100?

There's supposed to be three.

Damn!

$300.

One, two, three.

$300.

Well, thanks, lady.

Thank you.

I love the Orientals.

Asians.

I mean Asians.

[giggling]

I can give this to Nia tonight.

Tonight. tonight.

Hot damn, tonight.

No, this afternoon.

Yes.
Wait.

No.

I have to get out of these.

I have to get to the
Christmas breakfast tradition.

Oh, come let us find wine here.

Oh, come let us find wine here.

I'll settle for some cheap beer.

I'm sure in this gloriously
diverse neighborhood,

a grocery store will be open.

[laughs]

[music playing]

[SINGING] I feel like a tourist.

I feel like in alien.

It's making me nervous.

Sometimes I feel like
I'm the only one.

It's like I'm a little crazy and
I don't know what else to do.

Well, I just got to
right back to you.

I feel like a tourist.

I feel like-- feel like--
feel like a tourist.

Tourist.

Tourist.

Tourist.

I feel like a tourist.

I feel like a tourist.

I feel like a alien.

It's making me nervous.

Sometimes I feel like
I'm the only one.

It's like I'm a little crazy and
I don't know what else to do.

Well, I've just got to
get right back to you.

Whoops.

Sorry.

My fault. I'll buy these.

You can never have enough.

Spicy Mexican
braised pork brains.

Clean up at register four.

It'll go perfect with
my Christmas goulash.

My Christmasy pot of--

any who.

Do you have any coupons?

Nope.

I'm paying full
boat for the lot.

Yep.

Would you like to--

I'm sorry what?

No, go ahead, uh, Caroline.

Go ahead and ask me.

Would you like to
donate $1 to help save

the homeless mother's shelter?

No, I would not like
to donate $1 to help

the homeless mother shelter.

I would like to donate $1,000.

No.

$5,000.

Just whatever you
can get out of this.

I'll have to call--

Call her.

Call her.

I'll call her.

Assistant manager to
register, uh, four.

And Merry Christmas
everyone, even the Muslims.

I see you.

I'm Hindu.

Happy day of Christ.

Can I, uh, help
you again, ma'am?

Yes, uh, Christina.

Oh, like Christmas.

Nice.

I would like to pay
for these and donate

$5,000 to the homeless
mother's shelter.

And give $100 each to you and
Caroline for your trouble.

Can you do that?

Of course she could do that.

She's the manager on duty.

Well, Merry Christmas.

Just the two of us.

[knocking]

[doorbell]

Or not.

Who is it?

Oh, my God.
It's my sister.

KAREN: Open up, Todd.

I know you're in there.

Brother.

Oh, my.

Christmas breakfast?

You kept up the
family tradition.

Hello, Michael.

Mimosas anyone?

Karen, what a surprise.

Oh, my goodness.

You really cleaned up the
table since last night.

And vodka mojitos?

Todd, seriously?

Listen, Sis.

Why are you here?

Yeah, with all due
respect, you disowned Todd.

You didn't even show
up for our wedding.

Yeah.

That.

Todd, when Mom and Dad
died, I really lost my way.

And it should have
been more like you.

And Michael, I'm so, so sorry.

I've been a real a-hole.

A horrible sister.

A heinous sister-in-law.

And you're right, an entitled,
arrogant heterosexual.

And they're right.

I'm a swamp donkey.

A nasty toad ass.

Snatch canyon.

Bitchasaurus.

Vampy skuzz bucket.

A raging water demon.

The eye from "Lord
of the Rings."

And a elephants vajayjay.

The Grinch.

Harry Chewbacca.

You forgot sagging
Skittle tits.

OK, Twinkie.

Twinkie?

Please don't ever
disown me again.

I promise.

Promise.

I understand now.

I do.

I do.

I understand what ignorance
and want can do to me.

I'm so, so sorry.

Mimosas, everyone.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Cheers.

KAREN: New Year's
dinner at my house.

- Great.
- Let's do it.

I can't wait for you
to meet the neighbors.

They have an adorable
daughter, Nia.

She's very ill, but she's
just such a cute little doll.

I know just what to do.

Mr. Scrooge.

Yes, that is my name.

I fear it may not
be pleasant to you.

If you will, do me
the goodness of--

Hold the line, men.

We should you fall back, Sarge.

Doggonit, soldier.

We must protect the castle
painting at all cost.

Look out for the giant robot.

Ah.

Sorry about that, humans.

We come in peace.

We didn't mean to
squish you to pieces.

No, we're OK, robot thing.

Join us for brunch.

There's something wrong.

There's something
definitely wrong.

What's the matter, Chris?

Look at this.

This doesn't make any sense.

What?

Oh, my God.

The shelter got a $5,000
donation this morning.

Anonymously.

Honey, we've got
a guardian angel.

I was just about to sign
the foreclosure papers.

If it wasn't Christmas
Day, I would--

Baby, listen to me.

These things happen
for a reason.

You get to reopen tomorrow and
help those homeless mothers

when they need you most.

More donations will follow.

I know they will.

Then you'll be
helping those families

while providing for yours.

Even if I could pocket
every penny of that money,

I still wouldn't be a tenth of
what we need for our baby girl.

Chris, please,
don't talk like that.

You would never do such a thing.

I stole those presents, Robin.

No, love.

You borrowed them.

We will replace them.

Don't do this to yourself.

God blessed us.

God also blessed us with
a baby girl that needs.

Have faith, my love.

The Lord works in
mysterious ways.

Hey.

It's me, your neighbor.

Can we get a little
help out here?

Come see.

ROBIN: What is she--

Hey.

Hey.

Just a couple of
boxes on the lawn.

OK?

Ooh, Small Hey, little Dick.

Dickens.

Oh, right.

Little Dickens.

Got something for you.

Here you go.

Fresh from the market.

Oh, you can put
that right there.

Right there.

And go ahead and
get the next box.

Chop, chop.

Merry Christmas, Nia.

I brought you these boxes of--

I guess you could
call them toys.

But they're not fun toys,
like your green army man

or whatever that is.

These are collectibles.

Yeah.

Right there.

Right there next
to the other box.

And get the box with
the blue tape on it.

It shouldn't be in the sun long.

This box is filled
with Teddy bears.

But not just any Teddy bears.

These are Steiff bears.

My mom used to collect
them like a mad woman.

And then when she passed
away and Todd, my brother,

he didn't want have
anything to do with them.

But I think they're cute, so
I just kept collecting them.

Hi, Nia.

My name is Harry.

He's Mo hair.

NIA: Hello, Harry.

KAREN: I have a
button in my ear.

Now this guy is about
worth $300 or so.

But this guy--
this 1909 classic,

you're going to get about
$1,700, make you holler!

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Keep them coming, Chris.

Oh--

I don't understand.

Oh, well, a friend
of a friend of mine

told me that you're really
good at selling stuff

on Etsy and eBay or whatever.

Mom's great at it.

She sold all of our stuff.

Perfect.

That's what I want
your mom to do.

Sell my stuff.

ROBIN: These are
all Teddy Bears?

No.

There's Hummels.

There's Cabbage Patch Kids.

And there's Beanie Babies.

And all together, you're
going to get a lot.

Always keep the
box they come in.

MIB, Mint in Box, I learned
that lesson late in life.

So you want me to sell your
things and charge you a fee?

Yeah?

No.

I don't want you to
charge anything that--

God, I suck at this.

OK, what I mean is, I
want you to sell the stuff

and keep the money.

Get Nia well.

I don't need the money and I
can just write it off as a loss.

Ma'am, this-- all
this is so nice of you,

but we will get through this.

In fact, we were
so blessed today

we got an anonymous donation
for the shelter I manage.

You know, it should
be enough to cover--

no.

No.

Oh, my God.
No.

We cam-- we cannot accept this.

It's-- it's too much.

I'm sorry.

It's-- it's too much.

Nia, love, we will
get through this.

OK, babe?

We will get through this.

I promise.

But Mommy, you said this
was from a guardian angel.

Baby girl, Mommy and I
will think of something.

We will think of something.

KAREN: Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Did you just blow off a lifelong
arrogant, self-absorbed Karen?

Do you want me to go
full Karen on you?

I didn't think so.

Look, it's not about the money.

Last night, a few
new friends of mine

had an attitude
intervention with me.

And I saw myself.

Elephants for vajayjay.

That was not pretty.

I need your help
to be a better me.

Karen, we really
appreciate your kindness.

And you seem to be one of
those women who go all in when

she's got her mind made up.

Yeah.

Maybe.

You got me.

So I'll tell you what.

I'll help you sell your
things and charge you 10%.

- 90.
- 20.

- 80.
- 40.

60.

KAREN AND ROBIN: 50.

And you have to join
us for dinner tonight.

Deal.

Oh, I forgot.

I got Nia a Christmas present.

I think I left it
right out here.

Don't worry.

It wasn't very expensive.

Only $300 bucks.

I think it's right here.

[laughs]

Are you OK?

Yeah.

At least I didn't
get electrocuted.

What?

Any who.

I heard Nia wanted a skateboard.

I think I heard it from
Santa Claus or something.

So I searched high and low,
and I found her this bad boy.

Wow.

Merry Christmas, Karen.

Merry Christmas, Ms. Karen.

Thanks guys.

Merry Christmas.

God bless you, Karen.

God bless us, everyone.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Are you
ready for Christmas?

Are you decking the halls?

Are you ready for Christmas?

You'll be having a ball.

Are you ready for Christmas.

Are you having some fun?

Are you ready for Christmas?

It's only just begun.

Oh.

Oh.

Are counting down the
days till the holidays?

Sleigh bells sing
ring-a-ding ding ding.

Are you ready to celebrate?

Everyone is coming home
to the merry cheer.

Lights are on.

Can you see them shine?

It's a party now everywhere.

Are you ready for Christmas?

Are you decking the halls?

Are you ready for Christmas?

You'll be having a ball.

Are you ready for Christmas?

Are you having some fun?

Are you ready for Christmas?

It's only just begun.

Oh.

Oh.

It's only just begun.

What up, care bear?

That's the wrong line.

[laughter]

[snorting]

[laughter]

GARY: Ah!

Sorry.

A bug flew in my ear.

[music playing]

[SINGING] I go dancing around
the clock to that jolly bop.

Voices sing Merry Christmas.

Bring me another one.

I don't want to stop.

Are you ready for Christmas?

Are you decking the halls?

Are you ready for Christmas?

You'll be having a ball.

Are you ready for Christmas?

Are you having some fun?

Are you ready for Christmas?

It's only just begun.

Oh.

Oh.

It's only just begun.

Yeah.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

Snow's falling down.

The fires blazing bright.

I might be dreaming.

There's an angel in my sight.

Thanks for the present
underneath the tree,

but there's something
that you missed?

Santa, this girl's the only
thing that's on my list.

That's my Christmas wish.

Doo, doo, doo, doo,
doo, doo, doo, doo, doo,

doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

I've been good on year.

I promise I'll believe again,
Santa, it if you make it

come true.

Give a guy gift.

If you can make some
magic then I got

some milk and cookies for you.

If you want to grant me
this wish, that I promise

I won't forget.

Watch and see, I'll be at the
top of your list every year

after this request--

whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa-- if you make her mine.

Snow's falling down.

The fire's blazing bright.

I might be dreaming.

There's an angel in my sight.

Thanks for the presents
underneath the tree,

but there's something
that you missed.

Santa, this girl's the only
thing that's on my list.

That's my Christmas--

A woman met her untimely
demise when she was, quote--

I lost it.

I'm sorry.

Look, when I found out this
woman was from Florida,

I was shocked.

I was just shocked.

I mean, not a
shocked that she was.

The only way that this death
could have been more Florida

is if she had then
been eaten by a Gator

who voted for Ron DeSantis.

She's like a Florida version
of a James Bond cocktail,

shaken not stirred.

[music playing]

[SINGING] Snow is falling down.

The fire's blazing bright.

Thanks for the presents
underneath the tree,

but there's something
that you missed.

Santa, this girl's the only
thing that's on my list.

That's my Christmas wish.

Now I'm going to show you
what your neighborhood's up to.

Oh, damn it.

Sorry.

[laughs]

CAROLINE: Hi, can I help you?

I wish to speak the manager.

Oh, my God.

Why can't I get the
line out of my mouth?

OK.

I wish to speak manager.

[music playing]

[SINGING] I feel a tourist.

I feel like an alien.

It's making me nervous.

Sometimes I feel like
I'm the only one.

I'm like I'm going
a little crazy

and I don't know
what else to do.

Well, I just got to
get right back to you.

Sometimes when awake, it's
like the same old shit,

a different day.

I try to turn my self around.

Sometimes the feelings go away.

I feel I'm underwater,
can't my feet on the ground.

World is spinning so fast
like it's got me upside down.

I feel like a tourist.

I feel like-- feel like--

I feel like a tourist.
Tourist.

Tourist.

Tourist.

I-- I-- I-- I feel
like a tourist.

Tourist.

Tourist.

[inaudible] I feel
like a tourist.

Whoa.

I feel like a tourist.

I feel like an alien.

It's making me nervous.

Sometimes I feel like
I'm the only one.

It's like I'm going
a little crazy

and I don't know
what else to do.

Well, I just got to
get right back to you.

I always try to find the good.

Sometimes it's just hard to do.

Hate is hanging in the
air, makes you feel

like it could hate too.

Getting angry isn't
someone who I want to be.

Got to keep my head up
or I'll never ever see.

Whoa.

I feel like a tourist.

Tourist.

I feel like and alien.

It's making me nervous.

Sometimes I feel like
I'm the only one.

It's like I'm a little crazy and
I don't know what else to do.

Well, I've just got to
get right back to you.