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I regret to announce that
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00:00:24,400 --> 00:00:26,994
The League of Gentlemen
are going to be late on stage tonight
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00:00:27,120 --> 00:00:28,599
due to traffic problems.
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00:00:28,680 --> 00:00:32,275
However, here to start the show,
please welcome
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00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:36,109
Legz Akimbo Theatre Company.
6
00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:52,996
♪ Hi, my name is Johnny Smith
7
00:00:53,240 --> 00:00:55,231
♪ I'm just 14
And I'm strutting my stuff
8
00:00:55,360 --> 00:00:57,556
♪ I like to rap, I don't like school
9
00:00:57,640 --> 00:01:00,029
♪ Too many teachers, too many rules
10
00:01:00,120 --> 00:01:02,111
♪ My mum, my dad are overprotective
11
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:04,959
♪ They spy on me like TV detectives
12
00:01:08,720 --> 00:01:11,189
♪ Hi, my name is Johnny's Mum
13
00:01:11,320 --> 00:01:13,038
♪ I'm fond of gin and Valium
14
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:15,629
♪ My boy Johnny is now a teenager
15
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,757
♪ He still needs to know about
stranger danger
16
00:01:19,240 --> 00:01:21,277
♪ Stranger danger!
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00:01:22,160 --> 00:01:24,515
♪ There's so much risk
in the world today
18
00:01:24,640 --> 00:01:27,393
♪ That's why I carry this pepper spray
19
00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:33,676
♪ Hi, my name is Johnny's Dad
20
00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,076
♪ I don't like rap, but I do like jazz
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00:01:40,480 --> 00:01:44,872
♪ I know from my experience
That the world is full of deviants
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00:01:45,000 --> 00:01:47,230
♪ The boy needs a hobby
to grow up safely
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00:01:47,320 --> 00:01:50,676
♪ Like drama club with Kevin Spacey
24
00:01:58,560 --> 00:02:00,949
- ♪ My mum and dad say...
- ♪ Stay out of the park
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00:02:01,040 --> 00:02:03,111
♪ Especially at night
when it's getting dark
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00:02:03,240 --> 00:02:05,470
♪ But I don't care, respect I lack
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00:02:05,560 --> 00:02:07,597
♪ It's light anyway
'cause the clocks have gone back
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00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:09,916
♪ I'll ignore their warning
'cause that's my style
29
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:13,237
- ♪ I've never even heard of a...
- ♪ Paedophile
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00:02:15,760 --> 00:02:17,034
Careful with it!
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00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:21,314
Here, little boy, do you want to come
and play on my PlayStation?
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You can fiddle with my joystick.
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00:02:23,760 --> 00:02:25,831
No, thanks!
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00:02:27,560 --> 00:02:30,154
♪ I won't go with the man
in the dirty mac
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00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:32,510
♪ I've changed my ways
and I've never looked back
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00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:34,750
♪ Put a lock on your door
so your dad can't get in
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00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,070
♪ Is your grandad coming round?
I wouldn't trust him
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♪ If you wanna stay safe
and have a good future
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♪ Make friends in a chat room
On a computer ♪
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Boom!
41
00:02:51,840 --> 00:02:54,878
- Are we playing for money?
- That's the only way to play, Doc.
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00:02:57,440 --> 00:02:58,999
Would you like to do the honours,
young man?
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00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,356
- I will, sir.
- Right, what's it to be then?
44
00:03:01,480 --> 00:03:03,198
Erm... Knock-out whist.
45
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:05,118
Knock-out whist! I think not, Doc.
46
00:03:05,280 --> 00:03:07,317
Let's have a round of Slippery Jack.
47
00:03:07,400 --> 00:03:09,516
Excellent, sir, excellent!
48
00:03:09,880 --> 00:03:11,917
Er, I'm afraid I don't know
how to play that one.
49
00:03:12,040 --> 00:03:13,713
You don't know Slippery Jack, Doc?
50
00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:15,353
Doc doesn't know Slippery Jack, Mike.
51
00:03:15,440 --> 00:03:18,717
You don't know Slippery Jack, Doc?
All right. Let's have a round
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00:03:18,840 --> 00:03:20,956
- of 40-card Drag.
- Good idea, young man!
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00:03:21,040 --> 00:03:22,439
- One, two, three...
- Forty-card Drag,
54
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is that the one that's a bit like poker?
55
00:03:23,960 --> 00:03:24,950
Oh!
56
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:27,316
Don't you know any card games, Doc?
57
00:03:27,440 --> 00:03:30,478
Yes, whist, knock-out whist,
rummy, pontoon.
58
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:34,594
Now, come on, let's have a game
of Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!
59
00:03:36,400 --> 00:03:37,993
Excellent, sir, excellent!
60
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:39,434
I'll just sort through these.
61
00:03:39,520 --> 00:03:41,591
Look, I don't know how to play
that one either.
62
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:44,274
Oh, everyone knows
Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!
63
00:03:44,960 --> 00:03:46,473
- I don't. I don't.
- You do.
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00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,076
You do! It's like a cross between
Hoover and Eight Men Down!
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00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:52,197
Well, I don't know
how to play those either.
66
00:03:52,320 --> 00:03:53,879
- Oh!
- It's all right.
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00:03:54,080 --> 00:03:56,117
We'll just have to explain the
rules to you then, Doc.
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00:03:56,200 --> 00:03:57,599
- It's very simple.
- Jacks are worth 10,
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00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:58,670
kings are worth three.
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00:03:58,760 --> 00:04:00,319
Apart from one-eyed jacks
which are wildcards.
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00:04:00,400 --> 00:04:01,629
But we'll come to those in a minute.
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00:04:01,720 --> 00:04:03,597
Round one, you get a hand of nine,
round two, of seven.
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00:04:03,680 --> 00:04:05,557
- Two's your wildcard.
- We'll come to those in a minute.
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00:04:05,640 --> 00:04:07,358
Apart from diamonds
which retain their face value.
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00:04:07,440 --> 00:04:09,556
- Except the king of diamonds, obviously.
- Obviously.
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00:04:09,680 --> 00:04:11,318
We play in sequence
unless you can match a pair
77
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,351
or play a card in
ascending or descending order.
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00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:15,357
If you can, that's a
Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!
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00:04:15,560 --> 00:04:17,471
You stand up,
pick up all the cards on the table
80
00:04:17,600 --> 00:04:19,318
and shout "Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!"
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00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:21,960
The winner is the man
with the most tricks after 15 hands.
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00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,235
You'll pick up the rest as we play.
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Shall we say a pound a round?
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00:04:27,720 --> 00:04:32,112
Just one thing, are queens worth 12?
85
00:04:32,520 --> 00:04:33,715
What queens?
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Queens in the pack.
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00:04:36,200 --> 00:04:38,032
"The pack"? Sorry, what's the pack?
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00:04:38,160 --> 00:04:39,275
He means the deck.
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Doc, there are no queens.
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00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:42,075
We're playing with a French pack.
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00:04:42,160 --> 00:04:43,958
- Deck, Mike!
- French deck. Stand corrected, sir!
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00:04:44,040 --> 00:04:45,394
Thank you, young man... Hey!
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00:04:47,120 --> 00:04:49,760
- Right, who's to lead?
- And that's you, Doc.
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00:04:50,567 --> 00:04:52,076
Oh, I'm not really sure
how to start.
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00:04:52,160 --> 00:04:54,117
Well, just put a card on the table.
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00:04:54,200 --> 00:04:55,474
- Erm...
- Come on!
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A three?
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You can't lead with a three!
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00:05:00,400 --> 00:05:02,869
This is Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!,
not Bamalama Fizz Batch!
100
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:04,115
Sorry.
101
00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:06,599
Start again.
102
00:05:16,040 --> 00:05:17,917
Mmm.
103
00:05:19,080 --> 00:05:21,799
Very interesting, Mr Bond.
104
00:05:22,720 --> 00:05:23,949
Huit.
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00:05:24,560 --> 00:05:25,789
Ace in the hole.
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00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:30,233
Ten.
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00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,395
- What?
- Well, come on, Doc.
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00:05:35,520 --> 00:05:37,591
- What?
- That's a Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!
109
00:05:37,680 --> 00:05:39,637
- Is it? Why not?
- Well, you can't touch them!
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You've gotta say,
"Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!"
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00:05:41,760 --> 00:05:43,831
- Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!
- You have to stand up first.
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And say, "Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!"
113
00:05:45,920 --> 00:05:48,230
- Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!
- Right, now name your pairs.
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00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:49,754
- What?
- Name your pairs!
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00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:51,678
- You didn't say about naming pairs!
- You put down a 10!
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00:05:51,760 --> 00:05:53,353
- So?
- You put down a 10, you must have pairs!
117
00:05:53,440 --> 00:05:54,430
Why must I have pairs?
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Because that's a
Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!
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00:05:56,080 --> 00:05:57,593
- For God's sake.
- Well, you can't look at 'em!
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00:05:57,680 --> 00:06:00,240
- What, I'm supposed to remember them?
- That's the whole point!
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Look, jacks are worth 10,
kings are with three...
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Apart from one-eyed jacks,
which are wildcards.
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00:06:05,480 --> 00:06:06,470
Look!
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00:06:07,080 --> 00:06:10,710
Why can't we just play something simple?
125
00:06:10,800 --> 00:06:13,633
And why do we only ever play things
that you two
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00:06:13,720 --> 00:06:16,360
know the rules of.
It was like this when we were kids.
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00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,915
You used to put bets
on fuckin' Buckaroo!
128
00:06:21,160 --> 00:06:22,833
Why can't we just play...
129
00:06:24,080 --> 00:06:25,354
Hangman.
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00:06:26,160 --> 00:06:27,275
Or something.
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00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:33,356
- All right, Doc...
- Whatever you say, Doc.
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00:06:33,480 --> 00:06:36,074
- Hangman it is.
- Hangman. Sounds good to me.
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00:06:36,200 --> 00:06:37,679
- Sorry.
- It's all right! Hangman.
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00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:41,077
We playing Canadian rules or Italian?
135
00:06:48,040 --> 00:06:51,351
Hello, Attachments Dating Agency,
can I help you?
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00:06:51,880 --> 00:06:54,190
Uh, no, I'm afraid we don't have an app.
137
00:06:54,320 --> 00:06:56,470
No, we prefer to do things face-to-face.
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00:06:57,000 --> 00:06:59,355
Unlike our clients
who don't do it at all.
139
00:07:00,440 --> 00:07:03,000
Yes, well, if you don't like that,
you can swipe left!
140
00:07:03,880 --> 00:07:05,359
Oh, hello, Ian, nice to see you again.
141
00:07:05,440 --> 00:07:07,716
- Please, uh, take a seat.
- Thank you.
142
00:07:07,840 --> 00:07:09,956
Just, erm, bring up your file.
143
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:17,234
Now then...
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00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:22,680
Caring, considerate, good-looking...
145
00:07:22,760 --> 00:07:24,319
Sorry, is this what you are
or what you want?
146
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:27,273
- It's what I want.
- Right.
147
00:07:28,840 --> 00:07:30,319
I was gonna say, good-looking?
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00:07:31,480 --> 00:07:33,357
Right then, Ian,
as you know, my name is Olive.
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00:07:33,480 --> 00:07:35,835
It's my job to build up a profile of you
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00:07:35,920 --> 00:07:39,356
and match you to a suitable lady
from our extensive files.
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00:07:39,480 --> 00:07:42,472
I presume you are looking for a lady,
because here at Attachments,
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our motto is very much,
"Gay, straight or bi, give it a try."
153
00:07:49,000 --> 00:07:51,276
- No, I definitely want a girl.
- Right.
154
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:56,275
Okay, question one, are you very kind,
kind, fairly kind,
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00:07:56,360 --> 00:07:57,589
not at all kind to animals?
156
00:08:01,840 --> 00:08:03,433
- Sorry?
- Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind,
157
00:08:03,520 --> 00:08:04,794
not at all kind to animals?
158
00:08:06,760 --> 00:08:08,080
I can't really say.
159
00:08:08,200 --> 00:08:10,032
So not at all kind to animals.
160
00:08:10,480 --> 00:08:11,629
- Well, no, I am...
- Sorry.
161
00:08:11,720 --> 00:08:13,757
Gotta take your first answer.
Are you quiet?
162
00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:15,435
- When?
- In general.
163
00:08:15,560 --> 00:08:17,358
- Well, sometimes I'm quiet.
- So quiet...
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00:08:17,480 --> 00:08:18,470
Oh, don't put that.
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00:08:18,560 --> 00:08:20,278
We need all your bad points
as well, you know.
166
00:08:20,560 --> 00:08:22,756
- That's not such a bad point, is it?
- Mmm, you say that,
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00:08:22,880 --> 00:08:24,632
you can't get a girlfriend, can you?
168
00:08:27,880 --> 00:08:29,871
Let me explain a little bit
169
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about how a dating agency works.
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95% of the people that
walk through those doors are weirdos.
171
00:08:38,080 --> 00:08:40,469
In fact, my boyfriend doesn't like me
working here.
172
00:08:40,880 --> 00:08:43,520
It's not that he's jealous, I tell him,
"You should see the state of 'em."
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00:08:43,600 --> 00:08:44,795
No.
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00:08:45,480 --> 00:08:47,790
He just thinks it's depressing for me.
175
00:08:48,080 --> 00:08:49,626
Did you meet him through an agency?
176
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I should tell him that tonight in bed.
He'll laugh. No.
177
00:08:56,520 --> 00:08:59,080
We met at a friend's party,
and that's the thing, you see,
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00:08:59,160 --> 00:09:01,117
you meet people through people.
179
00:09:01,200 --> 00:09:03,714
And that is what a lot of them
haven't got, friends.
180
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,030
And ultimately you have to
question that, don't you?
181
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:09,238
Does the agency organise parties?
Singles' parties?
182
00:09:09,360 --> 00:09:11,271
Ian, we tried it once.
It was a disaster.
183
00:09:11,400 --> 00:09:12,879
The women were like mice,
184
00:09:13,320 --> 00:09:16,676
and I don't mean small, they're all
massive through comfort eating.
185
00:09:18,520 --> 00:09:20,591
I mean silent. I went home that night,
186
00:09:20,720 --> 00:09:21,949
I flung me arms round my boyfriend,
187
00:09:22,040 --> 00:09:23,713
I said,
"Thank God we've got each other."
188
00:09:23,840 --> 00:09:25,478
Great to be able to do that, isn't it?
189
00:09:28,600 --> 00:09:29,874
I wouldn't know.
190
00:09:30,000 --> 00:09:32,674
Well, listen to me wittering on.
Let's get you paired up.
191
00:09:32,760 --> 00:09:35,195
Miracles can happen, you know. So,
192
00:09:35,400 --> 00:09:39,598
on a scale of one to 10, how confident
are you? Ten being very confident.
193
00:09:41,106 --> 00:09:41,762
Five?
194
00:09:42,640 --> 00:09:43,835
Two.
195
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,790
Single, married,
divorced, widowed, separated?
196
00:09:47,920 --> 00:09:49,194
- Single, obviously.
- Single.
197
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:53,035
Ian, are you looking for a physical side
to the relationship?
198
00:09:53,120 --> 00:09:54,315
We have to ask this
199
00:09:54,400 --> 00:09:57,074
because some of our ladies, they're not
capable of blowing up a paper bag,
200
00:09:57,200 --> 00:09:58,429
never mind the other.
201
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:02,077
- Yes. Yes, I am.
- Yes, you are? Yes, you aren't?
202
00:10:02,160 --> 00:10:03,434
Ooh, it's like Cracker this, isn't it?
203
00:10:03,520 --> 00:10:04,999
Why did you force her?
Why did you force her?
204
00:10:05,080 --> 00:10:06,400
I didn't force her!
205
00:10:14,960 --> 00:10:16,792
I didn't force her.
206
00:10:18,720 --> 00:10:20,518
Right, well, we'll put all this
into our system.
207
00:10:20,600 --> 00:10:22,113
If we get a match,
we'll be in touch, okay?
208
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:23,355
- Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.
209
00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:27,677
Olive, do you think that if...
If you didn't have a boyfriend,
210
00:10:27,760 --> 00:10:29,273
- one day me and you could...
- No.
211
00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:49,833
You're very kind, thank you.
212
00:10:51,560 --> 00:10:54,598
Evening. My name is Mick McNamara.
213
00:10:56,000 --> 00:11:00,073
Some of you may remember me as
the former guide at Stumphole Caverns.
214
00:11:01,960 --> 00:11:05,510
The former usher at
the Kelly Butler Memorial Theatre.
215
00:11:06,520 --> 00:11:09,592
Welcome to the Royston Vasey
Tour of Terror.
216
00:11:15,520 --> 00:11:19,514
Voted 48th most frightening ghost walk
in the Northwest.
217
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:23,794
Southern region.
218
00:11:25,760 --> 00:11:27,034
Of course, some people speculate
219
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:30,397
that Royston Vasey itself
is a nexus of ley lines.
220
00:11:30,760 --> 00:11:32,592
A so-called "hellmouth."
221
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:36,712
A portal to another dimension
beyond human understanding.
222
00:11:37,480 --> 00:11:40,040
Others disagree and say
it's merely a shithole.
223
00:11:42,680 --> 00:11:45,035
Just come this way.
Our first port of call.
224
00:11:45,200 --> 00:11:46,918
This may look like the dole office,
225
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:49,953
but it was in fact the site
of the old Royston Vasey workhouse,
226
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:53,194
where many an emaciated orphan
starved to death.
227
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:56,635
The shade of a ragged Victorian boy
228
00:11:56,760 --> 00:11:59,229
can frequently be glimpsed
in that window there.
229
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:03,273
I say frequently... I've never seen it.
230
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:08,469
Nor has anybody else.
231
00:12:10,040 --> 00:12:12,156
But it paints a nice picture,
doesn't it?
232
00:12:14,000 --> 00:12:16,879
Be nice to think there was
something beyond this mortal realm.
233
00:12:17,320 --> 00:12:20,278
A tiny scrap of comfort
for those whose lives have been touched
234
00:12:20,360 --> 00:12:23,512
by violent tragedy beyond
their control more than once.
235
00:12:24,920 --> 00:12:26,319
Or twice.
236
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,511
May not think to look at it, but this is
in fact one of the oldest buildings
237
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,159
in Royston Vasey.
238
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:35,072
This humble, wacky warehouse
239
00:12:36,560 --> 00:12:38,915
was once the site of a Roman encampment.
240
00:12:39,760 --> 00:12:42,434
And the spectres of three legionnaires
have been sighted
241
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,750
floating 20 foot above the ground.
242
00:12:45,040 --> 00:12:49,352
The theory being, they're marching over
a timber bridge long since perished.
243
00:12:50,160 --> 00:12:53,710
Locals have given the trio of spooks
colourful nicknames,
244
00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:57,634
as it is possible to see right up
their little Roman skirts.
245
00:12:57,720 --> 00:12:58,869
So we have
246
00:12:59,480 --> 00:13:01,551
Bollox Maximus,
247
00:13:02,840 --> 00:13:05,912
Little Titch, and, er...
248
00:13:06,320 --> 00:13:07,879
Sheila.
249
00:13:10,160 --> 00:13:12,720
Our final destination, no pun intended,
250
00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:14,313
is this patch of waste ground.
251
00:13:14,400 --> 00:13:15,834
It may look quotidian enough,
252
00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:18,309
but it was in fact here that
I myself believed
253
00:13:18,560 --> 00:13:20,153
I witnessed a phenomenon.
254
00:13:20,400 --> 00:13:23,233
A cowled phantom
half glimpsed in the shadows.
255
00:13:23,880 --> 00:13:26,679
How was I to know it was in fact
a youth in a hoodie
256
00:13:27,680 --> 00:13:30,957
who had somehow attached himself
to the back of my tour group?
257
00:13:31,640 --> 00:13:34,280
Undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenic,
258
00:13:35,240 --> 00:13:38,631
butcher's knife concealed
in the waistband of his trousers.
259
00:13:40,280 --> 00:13:42,556
Three people died that night.
260
00:13:44,760 --> 00:13:47,195
"Real terror on fatal ghost tour."
261
00:13:47,800 --> 00:13:50,110
"Is local man cursed?"
262
00:13:51,320 --> 00:13:54,199
"Tragedy hits Mordant Mick
for third time."
263
00:13:56,200 --> 00:13:59,397
Many people would have been broken
by this, I know I was.
264
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,794
Hence that final walk
to the all-night Aldi
265
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,190
and the purchase of the two bottles
of Domestos.
266
00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:11,191
The desperate scribbled note.
267
00:14:12,240 --> 00:14:14,151
The burnt-out windpipe.
268
00:14:16,160 --> 00:14:18,037
It's funny, ladies and gentlemen,
269
00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:21,158
I never believed in the continuation
of the spirit after death.
270
00:14:21,680 --> 00:14:23,000
I do now.
271
00:14:23,320 --> 00:14:27,473
Forever condemned to wander the earth,
wracked with incessant remorse,
272
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,595
only finding peace with the last trump
273
00:14:31,240 --> 00:14:33,151
on the day of judgement itself.
274
00:14:33,960 --> 00:14:36,713
The fate of all suicide...
275
00:14:38,160 --> 00:14:39,195
Yeah.
276
00:14:45,960 --> 00:14:49,669
Okay, do we have a Pam Doove please?
Or a Pamela Doove?
277
00:14:53,120 --> 00:14:54,713
I'm Pam Doove.
278
00:14:55,000 --> 00:14:57,833
- Hello, there, how you feeling?
- A bit nervous.
279
00:14:59,240 --> 00:15:01,151
Okay, don't worry about that, Pamela.
280
00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:03,834
- Is it Pam or Pamela?
- Oh, Pam, Pamela, whatever. It's fine.
281
00:15:03,920 --> 00:15:05,069
We'll stick with Pamela for now,
282
00:15:05,160 --> 00:15:06,150
- shall we?
- Okay.
283
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:08,754
My name's Jed Hunter,
I'm gonna be directing this commercial.
284
00:15:08,840 --> 00:15:10,592
I don't know how much
your agent's told you already?
285
00:15:10,680 --> 00:15:12,114
Not very much actually.
286
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:16,672
Okay, not to worry. Basically, it's
an advert for Greenwood's orange juice.
287
00:15:16,760 --> 00:15:17,830
Right.
288
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,317
It's a new juice
that's just come onto the market,
289
00:15:20,400 --> 00:15:23,199
made from 100%
freshly-squeezed Seville oranges.
290
00:15:23,280 --> 00:15:25,351
- But that's not for you to worry about.
- Okay.
291
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:27,153
We're in a newsagent's.
292
00:15:27,240 --> 00:15:30,631
It's a beautiful day outside,
and a young girl, Pamela,
293
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,833
walks into the room.
She looks around and says,
294
00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:36,879
"Excuse me, has anyone got
a bottle of orange juice?"
295
00:15:38,640 --> 00:15:40,711
And that's it,
it's just part of a montage.
296
00:15:40,800 --> 00:15:41,995
Right. Erm...
297
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:44,357
Do you want movements within it?
298
00:15:44,640 --> 00:15:47,632
No, no, no. I mean,
she comes into the shop, obviously.
299
00:15:47,720 --> 00:15:48,869
She looks around and says,
300
00:15:48,960 --> 00:15:51,600
"Excuse me, has anyone got
a bottle of orange juice?"
301
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:53,159
And that's it, so,
302
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:56,039
if you wanna give us that
in your own time, that would be
303
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:57,795
cool.
304
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,073
Do you think I could go out
and come back in again?
305
00:16:10,160 --> 00:16:13,312
Absolutely. Whatever's good for you,
Pamela.
306
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:14,754
Cool, cool, cool.
307
00:16:39,960 --> 00:16:41,917
- Okay.
- Yeah?
308
00:16:43,400 --> 00:16:44,799
I don't know
what happened there, Pamela.
309
00:16:44,880 --> 00:16:45,870
Right.
310
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:48,876
- But I lost the line.
- Really?
311
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,833
I think perhaps a bit more diction,
'cause some of the words were, er...
312
00:16:51,920 --> 00:16:54,639
So it's, "Excuse me, has anyone got
a bottle of orange juice?"
313
00:16:54,720 --> 00:16:57,109
- I'll go out, I'll come back in again.
- Absolutely.
314
00:16:57,400 --> 00:16:58,913
Remember that diction, Pamela.
315
00:16:59,000 --> 00:17:00,229
Cooltastic.
316
00:17:17,360 --> 00:17:19,749
More diction.
317
00:17:21,160 --> 00:17:22,958
- Better. Hmm.
- Hmm...
318
00:17:23,680 --> 00:17:28,117
You see, again, I'm not getting
a sense of the line as written.
319
00:17:28,200 --> 00:17:29,634
Oh. Erm...
320
00:17:30,520 --> 00:17:31,954
You're playing her quite angry,
aren't you?
321
00:17:32,040 --> 00:17:33,553
Yeah. Yeah. Quite angry.
322
00:17:34,640 --> 00:17:37,553
- You see, I wonder whether that's right.
- Maybe she's a calmer person?
323
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,280
I think she is.
I think she is a calmer person.
324
00:17:40,360 --> 00:17:42,431
Let's not forget,
it's a beautiful day outside.
325
00:17:42,520 --> 00:17:44,670
And maybe the drink is like
for a picnic or something?
326
00:17:44,760 --> 00:17:46,751
Sure, she's going on a picnic
with a whole gang of friends.
327
00:17:46,840 --> 00:17:49,275
A question, how old do you think she is?
328
00:17:50,320 --> 00:17:51,799
- We know she's young.
- Teens?
329
00:17:51,880 --> 00:17:53,598
- She's your age!
- Nearly 50 then.
330
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:57,719
She's nearly 50, she's walking into
a newsagent's. She says,
331
00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,673
"Excuse me, has anyone got
a bottle of orange juice?"
332
00:18:00,760 --> 00:18:02,319
Just try and lighten her up a bit.
333
00:18:02,400 --> 00:18:05,199
Yes! Yes. I've got it. I know now.
334
00:18:19,520 --> 00:18:22,239
With a smile. Big smile.
335
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,832
- Well, thanks for coming in.
- Thank you.
336
00:18:28,960 --> 00:18:31,236
I really enjoyed it.
Does she drink the orange juice?
337
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,231
Ah, no, we cut away to another...
338
00:18:34,360 --> 00:18:35,919
- Sorry, what did you say?
- When?
339
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:37,399
Just then you said,
"Does she drink the..."
340
00:18:37,480 --> 00:18:38,515
"Orange juice."
341
00:18:38,600 --> 00:18:39,749
Just say the rest of the line...
342
00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:41,194
Has anyone got a bottle of orange juice?
343
00:18:41,280 --> 00:18:42,918
- But she's polite, remember.
- Oh, yes, excuse me,
344
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,354
has anyone got a bottle of orange juice?
345
00:18:45,080 --> 00:18:47,196
Okay, Pamela, hold on to that thought.
346
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,920
I want you to deliver the line
exactly as you did it then.
347
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:52,674
Totally naturalistically. Throw it away.
348
00:18:52,877 --> 00:18:53,392
Go...
349
00:19:02,440 --> 00:19:04,078
Do you get much work
as an actress, Pamela?
350
00:19:04,160 --> 00:19:05,150
No.
351
00:19:08,840 --> 00:19:11,673
And now on Made in Vasey Challenge TV,
352
00:19:11,760 --> 00:19:13,637
it's back to 1981
353
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:17,634
and part two of Fun Night
with Mike King.
354
00:19:17,720 --> 00:19:19,233
Welcome back, welcome back!
355
00:19:19,320 --> 00:19:21,550
Now, before the break,
our new friends Victor and Margaret
356
00:19:21,640 --> 00:19:23,551
managed to get themselves
through to the final.
357
00:19:23,640 --> 00:19:25,756
As well as winning £45
358
00:19:27,480 --> 00:19:29,278
and a video cassette recorder.
359
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:33,432
So we've got a little bit of time
to get to know them a little bit better.
360
00:19:33,520 --> 00:19:35,193
Victor, what did you do
before you retired?
361
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:37,317
- I was a slaughterman, Mike.
- Right.
362
00:19:38,760 --> 00:19:40,433
And what about you, Margaret?
363
00:19:40,520 --> 00:19:42,318
- District nurse.
- Ooh, speak up a bit, my darling.
364
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:43,629
- District nurse.
- Right.
365
00:19:43,880 --> 00:19:44,950
And, uh...
366
00:19:45,520 --> 00:19:50,071
I believe... I believe you've got quite
a funny story about how you first met.
367
00:19:50,160 --> 00:19:52,310
- It was at a clinic, wasn't it?
- Yes,
368
00:19:52,480 --> 00:19:54,630
it was a genital urinary clinic.
369
00:19:56,720 --> 00:19:58,279
And you were his nurse.
370
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,192
I had to catheterise him, Mike.
371
00:20:01,560 --> 00:20:04,200
- And how was that for you, Victor?
- It wouldnae go in, Mike.
372
00:20:06,000 --> 00:20:07,593
I bet that brought tears to your eyes.
373
00:20:07,680 --> 00:20:09,671
I had one or two stabs at it.
374
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,715
So I had to get help from another nurse.
375
00:20:13,800 --> 00:20:15,029
Coloured, mind.
376
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:16,633
Well, I don't think we need to, er...
377
00:20:17,120 --> 00:20:19,760
It was like a punctured hosepipe, Mike.
378
00:20:20,120 --> 00:20:23,511
There was urine everywhere.
Soaked right through me jamas.
379
00:20:23,600 --> 00:20:25,716
Yes, well, let's hope
we slip into the mystery round
380
00:20:28,840 --> 00:20:30,558
with a little more success.
381
00:20:31,600 --> 00:20:33,398
I still have trouble, Mike.
382
00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,232
Yeah. Right. In a minute... In a minute,
we're gonna play another game,
383
00:20:39,320 --> 00:20:41,675
but before we do,
and for some potential bonus points,
384
00:20:41,760 --> 00:20:44,798
Victor, why don't you go and listen
to some nice music,
385
00:20:44,880 --> 00:20:46,678
and me and Margaret are gonna have
a little chin-wag.
386
00:20:46,760 --> 00:20:48,990
A round of applause for Victor!
387
00:20:50,120 --> 00:20:51,394
Now then, Margaret,
388
00:20:51,760 --> 00:20:54,878
he can't hear a word we're saying.
So between ourselves,
389
00:20:54,960 --> 00:20:57,076
are there any little things
that annoy you about him?
390
00:20:57,360 --> 00:20:59,476
- There are, Mike, yes.
- I thought there might be.
391
00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:01,273
He's got bad breath, Mike.
392
00:21:02,040 --> 00:21:04,839
Would Victor benefit from
the odd Trebor first thing?
393
00:21:04,920 --> 00:21:08,038
No, no. It's worse than that,
it stinks like the grave.
394
00:21:17,720 --> 00:21:19,916
Well, we're only human, aren't we?
395
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:22,715
He belittles me in public.
396
00:21:23,840 --> 00:21:25,478
At home, it's like I don't exist.
397
00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:27,915
I spend hours cooking him food.
He just chews it up
398
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:29,718
and spits it out in the tablecloth.
399
00:21:31,160 --> 00:21:32,389
Really?
400
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,676
He's got me eating out of a dog bowl.
401
00:21:38,160 --> 00:21:40,370
Well, we all have our weaknesses,
don't we?
402
00:21:41,120 --> 00:21:42,758
That's not his only weakness.
403
00:21:43,840 --> 00:21:45,160
It's the prostitutes.
404
00:21:49,640 --> 00:21:50,755
I followed him once.
405
00:21:51,280 --> 00:21:54,318
The 650, Manningham Lane into Bradford.
406
00:21:54,800 --> 00:21:56,791
He's without shame or conscience.
407
00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:58,359
Oh, boys will be boys!
408
00:21:58,680 --> 00:22:00,990
I hate him, Mike!
409
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:03,717
I really hate him!
410
00:22:04,400 --> 00:22:07,153
You know, when you lie in bed at night
and you can't sleep...
411
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,913
- Oh, is he a bit of a snorer?
- No, no, no.
412
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:13,756
You lie there thinking, how long would I
have to hold the pillow over his face?
413
00:22:15,560 --> 00:22:18,279
How much of a struggle
would that actually be?
414
00:22:19,760 --> 00:22:21,910
And do I have the strength?
415
00:22:28,840 --> 00:22:30,035
Are you all right, love?
416
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:33,278
Well, it's your turn
to go in the booth now,
417
00:22:33,360 --> 00:22:35,636
so we can get Victor out.
Round of applause for Margaret!
418
00:22:39,720 --> 00:22:43,554
Now then, Victor,
has Margaret got any annoying habits?
419
00:22:45,640 --> 00:22:47,039
I hate her, Mike.
420
00:22:48,760 --> 00:22:50,034
Shall we go to a break?
421
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,313
♪ Bright eyes... ♪
422
00:23:07,880 --> 00:23:10,599
It's such a beautiful film, Patricia.
423
00:23:11,520 --> 00:23:13,397
A beautiful film.
424
00:23:13,720 --> 00:23:16,030
The little rabbits, they are so brave.
425
00:23:17,840 --> 00:23:20,309
There are so many obstacles
for them to overcome.
426
00:23:20,400 --> 00:23:22,596
- Isn't that right, Al?
- It is a good film, Pop.
427
00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:26,036
You see, Patricia, the magic lies in
the fact that although they are rabbits,
428
00:23:26,560 --> 00:23:28,517
really they talk and act...
429
00:23:30,520 --> 00:23:31,669
Like people.
430
00:23:33,840 --> 00:23:36,434
Anyway, let's talk about you, Patricia.
431
00:23:36,520 --> 00:23:38,352
When are you gonna make
an honest man of my son?
432
00:23:38,440 --> 00:23:41,717
- Oh, I'm sorry?
- Well, you make a beautiful couple.
433
00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:45,270
You, Patricia, with your fine skin
and shapely bosom.
434
00:23:46,360 --> 00:23:49,159
And you, Al, with your good health
and thick body hair,
435
00:23:49,240 --> 00:23:51,356
which he has inherited from his pop.
436
00:23:51,440 --> 00:23:54,671
Together, you will produce
superior children!
437
00:23:54,760 --> 00:23:56,273
Well, we've only just met, really, Mr...
438
00:23:56,360 --> 00:23:57,839
Call me Pop.
439
00:23:57,920 --> 00:24:01,117
Patricia's a very cautious person, Pop.
She likes to think things through.
440
00:24:01,200 --> 00:24:02,873
What is to think about?
441
00:24:02,960 --> 00:24:07,716
You meet, you fall in love, you marry,
and then you come and live with me, huh?
442
00:24:09,920 --> 00:24:12,958
'Cause Pop will have a daughter
as well as sons.
443
00:24:14,560 --> 00:24:16,153
I mean, a son.
444
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:19,754
Anyway, drink.
445
00:24:19,880 --> 00:24:22,030
Drink, it's good, it's good.
446
00:24:22,240 --> 00:24:25,437
You know, Patricia,
Al not have a proper girlfriend.
447
00:24:25,640 --> 00:24:28,917
Imagine this,
39 and still no girlfriend.
448
00:24:29,000 --> 00:24:32,231
I used to weep at night
thinking he might be a Mary queen.
449
00:24:33,920 --> 00:24:35,194
American?
450
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:38,272
No, a Mary queen!
451
00:24:38,480 --> 00:24:40,198
A poof!
452
00:24:40,480 --> 00:24:42,630
A shit-stabber!
453
00:24:48,080 --> 00:24:51,072
Then one day he says to me,
"I've met a beautiful girl, Pop."
454
00:24:51,160 --> 00:24:52,992
"She works in the hospital as a nurse."
455
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:57,239
"She's got a great ass, Pop,
I would like to fuck her very much!"
456
00:24:59,320 --> 00:25:01,277
So I said to him, "You be a man!"
457
00:25:01,760 --> 00:25:04,400
All my life
I tried to make man of my son.
458
00:25:04,800 --> 00:25:07,872
When he was a little boy,
we sit down, watch a video together.
459
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:10,879
- One of my favourites.
- Watership Down?
460
00:25:11,760 --> 00:25:12,830
No.
461
00:25:13,880 --> 00:25:15,473
No, it's called The Ass Master.
462
00:25:16,520 --> 00:25:19,353
It's German.
It's about a guy with a video camera,
463
00:25:19,440 --> 00:25:22,114
and he goes around filming
the asses of beautiful women.
464
00:25:22,200 --> 00:25:24,191
- Then he take them to his hotel room...
- Pop!
465
00:25:24,280 --> 00:25:25,554
Hey! Hey!
466
00:25:25,640 --> 00:25:26,914
What's the matter, huh?
467
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:29,799
Perhaps now you have no use
for your dirty movie,
468
00:25:29,880 --> 00:25:31,871
now you have met your wife to be, eh?
469
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,795
Mind you, Patricia, she has real class.
470
00:25:35,160 --> 00:25:37,879
Not like those television whores
you like so much.
471
00:25:38,360 --> 00:25:40,874
You wouldn't find Patricia making
lesbian action
472
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:42,837
on the floor of an Austrian bar.
473
00:25:53,200 --> 00:25:55,476
Now if you will excuse me, Patricia,
474
00:25:55,640 --> 00:25:57,119
I have to make a piss.
475
00:25:58,920 --> 00:26:00,149
Al, I am going!
476
00:26:00,240 --> 00:26:02,311
I'm so sorry.
Please stay a little longer.
477
00:26:02,440 --> 00:26:04,477
He'll wanna go to bed soon.
He's like a great big bear.
478
00:26:04,560 --> 00:26:06,312
Hey, hey, hey,
what are you talking about?
479
00:26:06,440 --> 00:26:07,475
Just talking, Pop.
480
00:26:07,560 --> 00:26:10,393
You chat away
like a pair of real lovebirds.
481
00:26:11,400 --> 00:26:14,313
Yet your Patricia,
she will not talk to me.
482
00:26:17,880 --> 00:26:19,439
Why is she so shy?
483
00:26:21,200 --> 00:26:23,191
Is she frightened of her new pop?
484
00:26:24,320 --> 00:26:26,311
No, we are all friends here.
485
00:26:30,400 --> 00:26:31,959
All friends.
486
00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,031
Al, it's time now for desert.
487
00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:39,158
Why don't you fetch us a Kinder egg each
from the box in the attic?
488
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:42,756
Trish doesn't really like chocolate,
Pop.
489
00:26:42,880 --> 00:26:44,473
She doesn't have to
eat the chocolate,
490
00:26:44,560 --> 00:26:46,153
she can play with the toy inside!
491
00:26:46,240 --> 00:26:47,992
- Now, go! Go!
- Now, now, I...
492
00:26:57,640 --> 00:26:59,790
You know my philosophy, Patricia?
493
00:27:00,400 --> 00:27:04,473
Pop say life is like a newsagent.
There are so many things to tempt you.
494
00:27:04,680 --> 00:27:08,230
Some things are easy to reach,
the cream soda, the Yorkie bars.
495
00:27:09,920 --> 00:27:13,914
But the best things in life,
the box of Milk Tray,
496
00:27:14,600 --> 00:27:16,113
the dirty books...
497
00:27:16,840 --> 00:27:18,433
They are on the top shelf!
498
00:27:19,000 --> 00:27:21,037
You have to reach for them!
499
00:27:22,600 --> 00:27:26,195
My son Al is a good boy,
but still he is only a boy.
500
00:27:26,880 --> 00:27:30,396
A woman like you, Patricia,
should know the touch of a real man.
501
00:27:31,640 --> 00:27:33,677
Feel my breath on your face.
502
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:40,551
I am hot for you, Patricia.
503
00:27:41,440 --> 00:27:44,796
Like a tube of Murray Mints
that have been left in the sun!
504
00:27:46,640 --> 00:27:48,677
Hot and hard!
505
00:27:48,800 --> 00:27:49,915
Couldn't find them, Pop.
506
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:51,673
What do you mean you couldn't find them?
507
00:27:51,800 --> 00:27:53,996
- Go and look harder!
- I think I should stay here with Tricia.
508
00:27:54,080 --> 00:27:55,639
Do as you're told, you little pig!
509
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:57,870
- I've gotta go now, Mr Pop!
- You see,
510
00:27:59,148 --> 00:28:01,711
Patricia, she don't love you any more.
511
00:28:02,440 --> 00:28:04,238
You'll never, ever trust a woman.
512
00:28:06,640 --> 00:28:08,153
Hey, don't cry, don't cry.
513
00:28:09,560 --> 00:28:13,440
What say we sit down,
watch a video before bed, huh?
514
00:28:13,920 --> 00:28:15,957
One of our favourites.
515
00:28:17,058 --> 00:28:22,951
♪ Bright eyes, burning like fire! ♪
516
00:28:56,385 --> 00:28:58,078
There's a man sitting next to you!
517
00:29:04,640 --> 00:29:06,711
Not another man, me. I am.
518
00:29:07,760 --> 00:29:08,875
Just thought you ought to know.
519
00:29:09,000 --> 00:29:10,320
- Thank you.
- It's all right.
520
00:29:14,400 --> 00:29:16,198
- It's a lovely day.
- Yes.
521
00:29:16,320 --> 00:29:18,311
No, I'm telling you, it is a lovely day!
522
00:29:19,840 --> 00:29:22,400
You are in a park, on a bench!
523
00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:24,870
Sitting next to a man, me.
524
00:29:25,120 --> 00:29:26,633
- Am I shouting?
- Sorry?
525
00:29:26,720 --> 00:29:27,994
Am I shouting?
526
00:29:28,080 --> 00:29:29,354
- A little.
- Thought so.
527
00:29:30,440 --> 00:29:33,319
I expect your ears are more finely tuned
than an average...
528
00:29:34,040 --> 00:29:35,075
Normal...
529
00:29:35,760 --> 00:29:37,239
Healthy person's, aren't they?
530
00:29:37,760 --> 00:29:39,239
They are important, yes.
531
00:29:39,920 --> 00:29:41,877
Keep your specs on for one thing.
532
00:29:45,960 --> 00:29:48,634
They've, er,
forecast rain this afternoon.
533
00:29:49,080 --> 00:29:51,549
- I beg your pardon?
- They say it'll rain this afternoon.
534
00:29:51,800 --> 00:29:53,120
How would you know?
535
00:29:54,000 --> 00:29:56,594
Did they write it down for you
in that bumpy writing?
536
00:29:57,480 --> 00:30:00,313
- It was on the television.
- Oh, good! Good for you!
537
00:30:02,360 --> 00:30:04,112
Do you watch a lot of... No.
538
00:30:05,640 --> 00:30:08,029
No, well, it's all repeats anyway.
539
00:30:08,760 --> 00:30:10,717
Nothing you haven't seen before...
540
00:30:16,200 --> 00:30:18,271
- Hey, you should get a Sky box.
- I've got one...
541
00:30:18,360 --> 00:30:20,271
Then you can record stuff
just to listen to it.
542
00:30:20,360 --> 00:30:22,749
Or else save it in case one day,
who knows?
543
00:30:23,240 --> 00:30:25,675
They can put pig's livers
inside you nowadays!
544
00:30:25,880 --> 00:30:29,669
Imagine that, a pig's liver
instead of a human's. So you know,
545
00:30:29,920 --> 00:30:31,672
they might find some way of...
546
00:30:32,280 --> 00:30:36,797
I saw this Tales of the Unexpected once,
and it was just an eye on a stalk.
547
00:30:38,560 --> 00:30:42,076
A brain in a big glass tank with an eye
on a stalk,
548
00:30:42,400 --> 00:30:45,074
and one day if you're lucky,
that could be you!
549
00:30:47,320 --> 00:30:48,754
If I'm lucky.
550
00:30:51,200 --> 00:30:54,192
Well, listen to me. I should be off.
551
00:30:54,840 --> 00:30:56,353
Nice to meet ya.
552
00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:02,836
Right, well, I'll be on my way, then.
553
00:31:03,160 --> 00:31:04,639
Cheerio.
554
00:31:13,080 --> 00:31:14,718
How do you shave!
555
00:31:15,600 --> 00:31:17,716
I bet you cut yourself a lot, don't ya?
556
00:31:17,800 --> 00:31:20,599
Is that why you see so many bearded...
Sightless?
557
00:31:20,680 --> 00:31:22,273
They always look a mess though,
don't they,
558
00:31:22,360 --> 00:31:24,670
dandruff, crumbs in their beard.
559
00:31:24,760 --> 00:31:26,797
Mum used to point to them
on the bus and say,
560
00:31:26,920 --> 00:31:29,434
"That's what'll happen to you if you
don't stop fiddling with yourself."
561
00:31:32,680 --> 00:31:34,079
Didn't stop me though, did it?
562
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:37,757
I expect you get lonely, don't you?
563
00:31:37,840 --> 00:31:40,719
Rattling round all day in your house
or your hostel,
564
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:42,473
locked in your own thoughts.
565
00:31:43,080 --> 00:31:44,957
As I say, it's all repeats,
566
00:31:45,080 --> 00:31:47,799
and you do well going for a little walk.
You might meet another...
567
00:31:48,520 --> 00:31:49,840
I mean, look at me...
568
00:31:52,600 --> 00:31:55,718
Ooh... Was it something I said?
569
00:32:03,960 --> 00:32:06,349
Right, come on, then, whose go is it?
570
00:32:06,480 --> 00:32:08,630
I think it's Charlie's turn
to ask us a question.
571
00:32:08,720 --> 00:32:10,199
Right, come on then, Charlie,
get on with it.
572
00:32:10,280 --> 00:32:12,351
He should have
brought his glasses, Tony.
573
00:32:12,440 --> 00:32:14,590
Hey, I'm not the one
who needs glasses, Tony.
574
00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:16,239
She's the one who needs glasses.
575
00:32:16,360 --> 00:32:18,237
Mmm, too right, getting married to him,
576
00:32:18,320 --> 00:32:21,119
I must have been blind, eh, Tony?
577
00:32:23,480 --> 00:32:25,915
Green. What is the world's oldest
known vegetable?
578
00:32:26,000 --> 00:32:27,434
- Charlie.
- No,
579
00:32:27,640 --> 00:32:28,960
the answer is the potato.
580
00:32:29,080 --> 00:32:30,957
- My go.
- Hang on, we haven't answered yet.
581
00:32:31,080 --> 00:32:32,991
One, two, three, pink please!
582
00:32:33,120 --> 00:32:34,633
Oh, no, cheat,
don't play with him, referee.
583
00:32:34,720 --> 00:32:35,755
She said the answer, referee.
584
00:32:35,880 --> 00:32:37,837
Oh, he just can't stand it
'cause we're winning him!
585
00:32:37,920 --> 00:32:40,514
- Pink.
- Is this for a little bit of pie?
586
00:32:41,600 --> 00:32:43,193
- It's cheese.
- Pie!
587
00:32:43,320 --> 00:32:44,469
It's cheese, Stella!
588
00:32:44,600 --> 00:32:45,999
Is it cheese or pie, referee?
589
00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:47,559
It's just an ordinary question anyway.
590
00:32:47,680 --> 00:32:48,670
Well, come on then!
591
00:32:48,760 --> 00:32:51,354
Who is better known as the little tramp?
592
00:32:55,880 --> 00:32:57,154
Don't you dare, Charlie.
593
00:32:58,840 --> 00:33:00,353
Eeh, crimes, I know this one...
594
00:33:00,640 --> 00:33:03,200
- Five, four, three...
- No, shut up!
595
00:33:03,320 --> 00:33:04,594
...two, one...
596
00:33:04,680 --> 00:33:06,478
- Times up!
- Charlie Chaplin?
597
00:33:06,560 --> 00:33:07,994
No! Fatima Whitbread.
598
00:33:10,640 --> 00:33:11,835
That's orange, you blind bitch!
599
00:33:11,960 --> 00:33:13,314
I haven't got me glasses on, have I?
600
00:33:13,400 --> 00:33:14,595
I thought you didn't need glasses!
601
00:33:14,680 --> 00:33:16,114
No, Charlie, it's you I don't need!
602
00:33:18,160 --> 00:33:20,470
Come on, Tony, if we get this right,
we get another bit of pie.
603
00:33:20,560 --> 00:33:22,437
- It's cheese! It's cheese!
- It's pie! It's pie!
604
00:33:22,560 --> 00:33:23,595
All right then!
605
00:33:23,720 --> 00:33:25,393
For a piece of green pie,
606
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:26,840
sounds like Stella's cooking, Tony.
607
00:33:26,920 --> 00:33:28,399
No, he eats enough of it, though,
don't he?
608
00:33:28,480 --> 00:33:30,391
Judging by the belly on him,
the fat pig!
609
00:33:30,480 --> 00:33:31,595
Shut up!
610
00:33:31,680 --> 00:33:33,159
Come on, if we get this right,
we've won him.
611
00:33:33,240 --> 00:33:34,958
Right, I'm gonna make it
really hard then.
612
00:33:35,040 --> 00:33:36,917
Ooh, where have I heard that before?
613
00:33:38,720 --> 00:33:41,439
Oh, he's getting mad now, Tony. Look,
all the blood's rushed to his head.
614
00:33:41,520 --> 00:33:43,670
- Stella!
- Only place it does rush to these days!
615
00:33:45,040 --> 00:33:46,075
All right...
616
00:33:46,960 --> 00:33:50,032
All right, here's your question then,
you stupid fuckin' slag...
617
00:33:53,680 --> 00:33:55,079
Charlie!
618
00:33:57,200 --> 00:33:59,669
It's all right, Tony,
she knows what she's doing.
619
00:33:59,760 --> 00:34:01,034
It's only a bloody game!
620
00:34:01,160 --> 00:34:03,470
Yeah, like being married to him,
Trivial Pursuits!
621
00:34:05,440 --> 00:34:07,033
Do you want your question, Stella?
622
00:34:07,160 --> 00:34:09,151
- Is it for pie?
- No, it's for me.
623
00:34:11,160 --> 00:34:12,275
Tell him yes, referee.
624
00:34:13,120 --> 00:34:14,110
Yes.
625
00:34:17,520 --> 00:34:18,669
Stella...
626
00:34:21,240 --> 00:34:22,355
Do you still love me?
627
00:34:22,480 --> 00:34:24,630
Oh, that's too easy, Charlie,
ask me another!
628
00:34:24,720 --> 00:34:26,950
- I've had enough of this!
- Sit down, you, we haven't won him yet!
629
00:34:27,040 --> 00:34:29,475
He has to ask me another question.
Come on, Charlie, why don't you ask me?
630
00:34:29,600 --> 00:34:31,796
- Ask me! All right, I'll ask it meself.
- Don't, Stella.
631
00:34:31,880 --> 00:34:34,235
"Stella, have you slept with other men?"
632
00:34:36,080 --> 00:34:37,309
Can't answer that, Charlie.
633
00:34:38,120 --> 00:34:39,713
Why don't you ask Tony?
634
00:34:41,280 --> 00:34:43,351
Tony might know the answer to that one.
635
00:34:43,480 --> 00:34:44,879
Ask Tony.
636
00:34:45,000 --> 00:34:48,914
Five, four, three, two, one...
I hate this game.
637
00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:52,353
We still play it, though,
don't we, Stella?
638
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:53,990
Look,
639
00:34:54,400 --> 00:34:57,392
why don't we play something different?
Something less stressful.
640
00:34:58,120 --> 00:34:59,394
Like what?
641
00:35:00,000 --> 00:35:00,990
Let's have a round
642
00:35:01,720 --> 00:35:04,473
of Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!
643
00:35:05,480 --> 00:35:06,470
Don't think I know that one.
644
00:35:06,560 --> 00:35:08,312
Course you do. Jacks are worth ten,
kings are three.
645
00:35:08,400 --> 00:35:09,390
Apart from one-eyed jacks...
646
00:35:09,480 --> 00:35:10,595
We'll come to those in a minute.
647
00:35:10,680 --> 00:35:12,432
Round one, you get nine cards,
round two is seven.
648
00:35:12,520 --> 00:35:13,840
Twos are wildcards apart from diamonds,
649
00:35:13,920 --> 00:35:15,035
which retain their face value!
650
00:35:15,120 --> 00:35:16,110
Oh, fuck this!
651
00:35:22,840 --> 00:35:24,353
Great, thanks very much, good evening.
652
00:35:24,440 --> 00:35:27,114
For those of you who don't
know anything about theatre,
653
00:35:27,640 --> 00:35:29,677
my name is Ollie Plimsolls,
654
00:35:29,840 --> 00:35:34,437
and I am the writer, director, actor,
producer, creator, decider,
655
00:35:34,520 --> 00:35:36,670
assistant wardrobe, founding member...
656
00:35:38,200 --> 00:35:40,077
Of Legz Akimbo Theatre Company.
657
00:35:41,120 --> 00:35:42,110
Thank you.
658
00:35:43,960 --> 00:35:46,918
Now, earlier you saw an excerpt
from Perve Swerve.
659
00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:51,510
My play about stranger danger.
660
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:55,675
Which was in fact my 127th
issue-based play.
661
00:35:55,760 --> 00:35:57,433
Thank you very much, that's very kind.
662
00:36:00,360 --> 00:36:03,716
All of my plays have been eligible
for awards,
663
00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:05,950
and yet none of them have ever won any.
664
00:36:07,080 --> 00:36:08,070
Actually, I tell a lie.
665
00:36:08,160 --> 00:36:12,233
I did win a Golden Calliper for
my play about a disabled disco.
666
00:36:13,640 --> 00:36:14,630
It's called Club Foot.
667
00:36:21,400 --> 00:36:22,390
But, erm...
668
00:36:23,040 --> 00:36:24,678
By and Large...
669
00:36:25,240 --> 00:36:28,039
Which is another one of my plays,
about obesity in the swinging world.
670
00:36:33,960 --> 00:36:35,075
It is an issue.
671
00:36:36,280 --> 00:36:38,237
I don't win awards,
and that doesn't bother me,
672
00:36:38,320 --> 00:36:41,711
but I thought it would be an interesting
experiment to write a new play,
673
00:36:42,000 --> 00:36:45,118
which we'll be performing for you right
here, on the stage, in a few minutes,
674
00:36:45,520 --> 00:36:49,354
about why issue-based children's theatre
by Oliver Plimsolls
675
00:36:49,480 --> 00:36:52,074
is ignored time and time again.
So here it is...
676
00:36:52,480 --> 00:36:54,153
It's called One Man, Two Plimsolls.
677
00:36:54,960 --> 00:36:56,598
And it goes something like this...
678
00:37:04,840 --> 00:37:06,717
Hi. I'm Ollie Plimsolls.
679
00:37:07,320 --> 00:37:10,312
Being a young playwright isn't easy.
Especially here in London,
680
00:37:10,400 --> 00:37:11,629
it's just so busy.
681
00:37:11,898 --> 00:37:13,877
♪ Ding, ding, parp,
Stand clear of the doors please
682
00:37:13,960 --> 00:37:15,519
♪ Ding, ding, parp, parp
Mind the gap
683
00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:17,352
♪ Ding, ding, parp,
Stand clear of the doors please
684
00:37:17,440 --> 00:37:19,238
♪ Ding, ding, parp, parp
Mind the gap ♪
685
00:37:19,320 --> 00:37:20,833
- Excuse me?
- Taxi!
686
00:37:20,920 --> 00:37:22,991
Could you tell me where the Royal
Court Theatre is, please?
687
00:37:23,080 --> 00:37:24,070
Haven't got time.
688
00:37:24,240 --> 00:37:25,913
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
689
00:37:28,240 --> 00:37:30,038
Time's the one thing I do have.
690
00:37:30,120 --> 00:37:32,430
That and my enormous talent,
which should be recognised.
691
00:37:32,520 --> 00:37:34,158
- Do I really have to say that, Ollie?
- Yes.
692
00:37:35,440 --> 00:37:37,795
Eventually I found my way
to the Royal Court Theatre
693
00:37:37,880 --> 00:37:39,917
to seek out lots of new, modern writing.
694
00:37:40,000 --> 00:37:43,038
What are you doing?
Why are you putting bricks on my baby?
695
00:37:43,120 --> 00:37:45,430
Tell that to Maggie Thatcher
and the poll tax!
696
00:37:45,520 --> 00:37:47,033
Why are you so angry all the time?
697
00:37:47,120 --> 00:37:50,192
Establishment!
698
00:37:51,160 --> 00:37:52,150
This was exciting.
699
00:37:52,440 --> 00:37:55,512
I felt like I'd been shouted at
for three hours, which I had.
700
00:37:58,880 --> 00:38:02,589
It made me wanna see all different
types of theatre. Musical theatre...
701
00:38:02,840 --> 00:38:06,356
♪ It was red and yellow and green
and brown and scarlet and black
702
00:38:06,440 --> 00:38:08,670
♪ And ochre and peach and ruby and olive
and violet and faun
703
00:38:08,760 --> 00:38:11,479
♪ Pelican gold and chocolate and mauve,
cream and crimson and silver and grey
704
00:38:11,560 --> 00:38:12,789
♪ Azure and lemon and rust and gold
705
00:38:12,880 --> 00:38:15,076
♪ Purple and white and pink
and orange and blue ♪
706
00:38:22,360 --> 00:38:23,350
Puppet theatre...
707
00:38:25,320 --> 00:38:27,231
I'm a horse, there's a war!
708
00:38:32,520 --> 00:38:36,354
And even tramps banging dustbins lids
for hours and hours and hours.
709
00:38:37,480 --> 00:38:39,312
Otherwise known as Stomp.
710
00:38:51,200 --> 00:38:55,398
And that won an Olivier Award in 1994
if you can fucking believe that?
711
00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:05,439
Sorry, go on, Phil, that's fine.
712
00:39:06,080 --> 00:39:09,152
I could have written plays for the West
End, the Royal Shakespeare company
713
00:39:09,280 --> 00:39:11,271
or literally any theatre in the country,
714
00:39:11,360 --> 00:39:12,794
but I chose theatre in education...
715
00:39:12,880 --> 00:39:14,473
Yes, you have to emphasise
the word "chose."
716
00:39:14,560 --> 00:39:16,278
And I chose theatre in education.
717
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:18,676
I'm not doing this job because
I failed at everything else.
718
00:39:18,760 --> 00:39:19,750
I'm not a teacher!
719
00:39:23,840 --> 00:39:25,513
- I chose theatre and education.
- Better.
720
00:39:26,040 --> 00:39:28,600
Why? Because I was passionate
about issues...
721
00:39:28,680 --> 00:39:32,753
Issues... Issues... Issues...
Issues... Issues... Issues...
722
00:39:33,360 --> 00:39:34,350
Poverty.
723
00:39:45,120 --> 00:39:46,918
Can I do a speech?
724
00:39:47,120 --> 00:39:49,350
Can I? I will then.
725
00:39:50,400 --> 00:39:51,390
Taps.
726
00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:54,479
Big taps on me bath. Rusting away.
727
00:39:54,560 --> 00:39:55,709
Like the country.
728
00:39:55,800 --> 00:39:58,918
Country? Cunt-tree more like.
729
00:39:59,880 --> 00:40:02,918
Rusting away like the taps
on Ma's big bath.
730
00:40:03,240 --> 00:40:07,120
Aye, that's right, Ma.
Poverty is poetry with an extra...
731
00:40:07,200 --> 00:40:09,760
V!
732
00:40:10,720 --> 00:40:12,552
Only nowt rhymes with it.
733
00:40:13,280 --> 00:40:14,634
Homosexuality.
734
00:40:26,800 --> 00:40:29,599
Hi, welcome to Gloria's.
I haven't seen you before.
735
00:40:29,680 --> 00:40:30,670
Erm, I'm not gay.
736
00:40:30,760 --> 00:40:32,751
That's cool. I'm not judging you.
737
00:40:32,840 --> 00:40:34,319
We get all kinds in here,
738
00:40:34,400 --> 00:40:36,311
gays, straights, lesbians!
739
00:40:36,400 --> 00:40:37,754
Ollie, for fucks sake!
740
00:40:39,280 --> 00:40:40,600
Do you want to come back to my house?
741
00:40:40,720 --> 00:40:42,916
It's full of strangers
with poppers and lube!
742
00:40:43,000 --> 00:40:44,035
Okay then.
743
00:40:49,800 --> 00:40:51,359
Homelessness.
744
00:40:53,840 --> 00:40:54,830
Brr.
745
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:57,196
Excuse me, mate,
do you have a spare cigarette?
746
00:40:59,280 --> 00:41:01,590
I haven't had a cigarette in ages now.
747
00:41:02,080 --> 00:41:03,070
Or food.
748
00:41:03,160 --> 00:41:04,639
That's normal for homeless.
749
00:41:04,720 --> 00:41:07,872
Sometimes we get found dead
of starvation. Nobody cares.
750
00:41:08,160 --> 00:41:10,151
Spare any change, please, guv?
751
00:41:10,280 --> 00:41:12,271
Spare any change, please, guv?
752
00:41:12,360 --> 00:41:14,078
Any change, please, guv?
753
00:41:14,200 --> 00:41:15,554
Change, please, guv?
754
00:41:15,640 --> 00:41:16,630
Please, guv?
755
00:41:16,800 --> 00:41:19,155
Please!
756
00:41:19,680 --> 00:41:22,354
But there was one issue I could never
understand and that was this,
757
00:41:22,600 --> 00:41:24,716
why have I never won any awards?
758
00:41:29,240 --> 00:41:31,390
Oliver Plimsolls...
759
00:41:31,920 --> 00:41:32,910
Who are you?
760
00:41:33,000 --> 00:41:34,718
I'm God.
761
00:41:35,480 --> 00:41:38,836
And I just want to apologise to you.
762
00:41:39,560 --> 00:41:41,597
Why? I'm just a humble writer.
763
00:41:41,720 --> 00:41:44,314
Your plays are brilliant,
764
00:41:44,520 --> 00:41:48,354
and you should have won every
theatre award going!
765
00:41:48,760 --> 00:41:50,512
You want to know the truth?
766
00:41:50,720 --> 00:41:52,711
I was jealous of you.
767
00:41:54,400 --> 00:41:57,472
And so is every other cunt
in this industry!
768
00:42:00,960 --> 00:42:02,280
But awards are meaningless.
769
00:42:02,360 --> 00:42:04,112
I'd rather be remembered for the work.
770
00:42:04,200 --> 00:42:05,793
And you shall.
771
00:42:05,960 --> 00:42:11,433
Your contribution to issue-based
children's theatre will last forever!
772
00:42:13,840 --> 00:42:16,354
Well, if God says so,
I guess it must be true.
773
00:42:16,680 --> 00:42:18,079
I'd better get scribbling.
774
00:42:21,000 --> 00:42:22,957
♪ Religion, acne, bullying, cancer
775
00:42:23,080 --> 00:42:24,798
♪ Issues
Issues
776
00:42:24,880 --> 00:42:26,712
♪ Abortion, suicide, knife crime,
dog muck
777
00:42:26,840 --> 00:42:28,558
♪ Issues
Issues
778
00:42:28,800 --> 00:42:30,677
♪ Female genital mutilation
779
00:42:30,760 --> 00:42:32,273
♪ Issues
Issues
780
00:42:32,400 --> 00:42:34,152
♪ There's so many issues
in the world today
781
00:42:34,240 --> 00:42:36,197
♪ We need to see them in a play
782
00:42:36,320 --> 00:42:38,038
♪ And he could write them
Hip-hooray
783
00:42:38,120 --> 00:42:39,918
♪ 'Cause he's the king of the issues
784
00:42:40,080 --> 00:42:41,878
♪ 'Cause I'm the king of the issues
785
00:42:42,000 --> 00:42:44,310
♪ Issues
Issues ♪
786
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:02,593
Oh, stitch!
787
00:43:08,160 --> 00:43:09,434
Quickly, Tubbs! In here.
788
00:43:21,360 --> 00:43:22,555
All clear, Tubbs.
789
00:43:39,800 --> 00:43:40,790
Where am I?
790
00:43:50,840 --> 00:43:51,830
Who are you?
791
00:43:53,000 --> 00:43:54,513
What is this place?
792
00:43:57,680 --> 00:43:59,990
It's a wife mine now.
793
00:44:02,920 --> 00:44:03,910
Please...
794
00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:05,030
Please...
795
00:44:05,640 --> 00:44:07,438
Please...
796
00:44:08,120 --> 00:44:10,316
Edward!
797
00:44:26,960 --> 00:44:29,190
♪ Once upon a time
798
00:44:29,720 --> 00:44:31,950
♪ I had a husband
799
00:44:33,440 --> 00:44:35,113
♪ Once upon a time
800
00:44:36,040 --> 00:44:37,713
♪ I had a shop
801
00:44:39,800 --> 00:44:41,791
♪ I used to be a local
802
00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:44,830
♪ Once upon a time
803
00:44:46,160 --> 00:44:48,549
♪ Now I am a prisoner
804
00:44:48,840 --> 00:44:51,798
♪ In this wife mine
805
00:44:52,920 --> 00:44:55,116
♪ Edward, can you hear me
806
00:44:55,920 --> 00:44:58,639
♪ As I sing my mock lament
807
00:44:59,440 --> 00:45:01,477
♪ Only you can free me
808
00:45:02,560 --> 00:45:04,995
♪ With a precious thing
809
00:45:05,720 --> 00:45:07,996
♪ And a doclament!
810
00:45:09,240 --> 00:45:11,197
♪ Tubbs, I can hear you!
811
00:45:12,280 --> 00:45:14,556
♪ I hear you in my dreams!
812
00:45:15,760 --> 00:45:17,990
♪ Tubbs, I will come for you
813
00:45:18,760 --> 00:45:20,956
♪ You are my local queen!
814
00:45:21,920 --> 00:45:24,673
♪ Do not feel forsaken
815
00:45:25,240 --> 00:45:27,436
♪ I will find the truth
816
00:45:28,440 --> 00:45:30,636
♪ About why you were taken
817
00:45:31,360 --> 00:45:34,239
♪ By this photo booth
818
00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:36,638
♪ Edward, can you hear me?
819
00:45:36,720 --> 00:45:38,233
♪ Tubbs, I can hear you
820
00:45:38,400 --> 00:45:40,038
♪ You're all I want
821
00:45:40,160 --> 00:45:41,639
♪ I want you too, my love
822
00:45:41,720 --> 00:45:43,552
♪ I long to be with you
823
00:45:43,840 --> 00:45:44,955
♪ Not long now
824
00:45:45,040 --> 00:45:46,474
♪ And drink a can of Cant
825
00:45:46,880 --> 00:45:48,518
♪ I can, I can't!
826
00:45:48,600 --> 00:45:50,910
♪ We will be together
827
00:45:51,080 --> 00:45:53,469
♪ Because our love is true
828
00:45:54,120 --> 00:45:56,919
♪ And until we get to Swansea...
829
00:45:58,800 --> 00:46:00,632
♪ London!
830
00:46:06,880 --> 00:46:08,200
London?
831
00:46:09,680 --> 00:46:14,470
♪ Will have to do-ooo-oooo
832
00:46:25,880 --> 00:46:27,598
♪ Once upon a time,
833
00:46:28,520 --> 00:46:30,318
♪ I had a husband
834
00:46:30,400 --> 00:46:31,834
♪ And brother
835
00:46:34,840 --> 00:46:36,672
♪ Once upon a time
836
00:46:37,520 --> 00:46:38,840
♪ I had a wife
837
00:46:39,320 --> 00:46:40,310
♪ And sister!
838
00:46:40,400 --> 00:46:41,879
♪ Of course
839
00:46:42,360 --> 00:46:44,590
♪ Edward, will you free me?
840
00:46:45,400 --> 00:46:48,153
♪ Tubbs, have no fear
841
00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:53,231
♪ Down here, I'm not local
842
00:46:55,120 --> 00:46:59,751
♪ Up here, I'm not local
843
00:47:01,760 --> 00:47:08,553
♪ There's nothing for us
844
00:47:12,560 --> 00:47:16,076
♪ Here ♪
845
00:47:24,640 --> 00:47:27,393
Put your hands in the air!
846
00:47:28,720 --> 00:47:31,030
Everybody!
847
00:47:32,680 --> 00:47:35,194
I know you'll come for us, Edward!
848
00:47:36,200 --> 00:47:38,669
We're waiting for you!
849
00:47:39,880 --> 00:47:43,191
To be continued!
850
00:47:55,160 --> 00:47:57,754
Who wants to win a bit of money?
Ha, ha, ha...
851
00:48:01,480 --> 00:48:02,959
Evening, all.
852
00:48:06,000 --> 00:48:07,593
You all got your dabbers?
853
00:48:09,120 --> 00:48:10,110
Right then.
854
00:48:10,480 --> 00:48:12,391
Eyes down for a full house.
855
00:48:13,520 --> 00:48:15,511
Queue the door, 21.
856
00:48:16,880 --> 00:48:18,917
Gandhi's breakfast, 80.
857
00:48:21,120 --> 00:48:22,633
Two fat ladies, 88.
858
00:48:23,840 --> 00:48:25,877
My friend Cream
wouldn't approve of that.
859
00:48:26,960 --> 00:48:29,236
Funny name I know, he were a Thai lad.
860
00:48:29,400 --> 00:48:33,109
He said I was, what was it?
Unreconstructed, set in me ways.
861
00:48:33,200 --> 00:48:34,190
I said, "Of course I am."
862
00:48:34,520 --> 00:48:37,672
"70-odd with an angry prostrate,
my waterworks shot, what do you expect?"
863
00:48:40,360 --> 00:48:42,476
Between the sticks, 86.
864
00:48:43,680 --> 00:48:45,432
Duck and dive, 25.
865
00:48:46,920 --> 00:48:49,036
Udon Thani, that's where we met.
866
00:48:49,360 --> 00:48:50,350
Thailand.
867
00:48:51,280 --> 00:48:53,351
Sweltering it were, like Tenko.
868
00:48:55,640 --> 00:48:57,790
With Leila off Doctor Who.
869
00:49:00,080 --> 00:49:02,879
I'd not had, never had
anyone close like.
870
00:49:02,960 --> 00:49:03,950
Not properly.
871
00:49:05,120 --> 00:49:07,077
Never been kissed, 26.
872
00:49:08,920 --> 00:49:11,833
Had a bit of money though after Dad
went, so I thought why not?
873
00:49:12,720 --> 00:49:14,438
You hear about these fellas, don't ya?
874
00:49:14,640 --> 00:49:17,553
Going off to foreign climes,
coming back with, er...
875
00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:19,678
Dirty Girty, number 30!
876
00:49:22,760 --> 00:49:26,390
Though I suppose I've always known
I've fancied summat a bit different.
877
00:49:26,800 --> 00:49:28,518
A bit extra.
878
00:49:29,080 --> 00:49:30,070
A bit, er...
879
00:49:30,760 --> 00:49:32,717
Danny La Rue, 52.
880
00:49:40,200 --> 00:49:43,875
There were a bar...
Knacky Knacky Knack Knack's.
881
00:49:45,520 --> 00:49:48,273
All coloured lightbulbs
like Peasholm Park,
882
00:49:48,880 --> 00:49:50,712
but without the miniature sea battles.
883
00:49:52,400 --> 00:49:54,198
All these lads done up as lasses.
884
00:49:54,400 --> 00:49:56,311
Titties with tassels and everything.
885
00:49:56,800 --> 00:49:58,393
Really quite beautiful.
886
00:49:59,320 --> 00:50:02,199
Some of them doing things
what it's not nice to talk about.
887
00:50:03,080 --> 00:50:05,390
Cracking open beer bottles
with their wotsits.
888
00:50:07,200 --> 00:50:10,033
The ones that have,
you know, had the op.
889
00:50:11,200 --> 00:50:13,396
Firing ping pong balls some of them.
890
00:50:14,840 --> 00:50:17,992
Reminded me of the old bingo balls
in a way, but, er,
891
00:50:19,080 --> 00:50:20,559
I kept me eyes down.
892
00:50:23,560 --> 00:50:26,632
Suddenly there he is. Cream.
893
00:50:27,680 --> 00:50:29,478
Me and you, number 2.
894
00:50:30,960 --> 00:50:32,598
Cuppa tea, number 3.
895
00:50:33,440 --> 00:50:36,751
I didn't think he were that bothered,
but when I got back to me hotel room...
896
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:39,032
Knock at the door, 24.
897
00:50:40,480 --> 00:50:42,517
Turns out he'd followed me back.
898
00:50:42,920 --> 00:50:43,910
Cream.
899
00:50:45,360 --> 00:50:47,033
Legs 11.
900
00:50:50,040 --> 00:50:51,758
Legs 11.
901
00:50:53,280 --> 00:50:56,318
So I asked him to come back here
to live with me.
902
00:50:56,520 --> 00:50:58,113
You know, for a while...
903
00:50:58,880 --> 00:51:00,791
Tickety boo, 62.
904
00:51:02,840 --> 00:51:05,070
Man alive, number 5.
905
00:51:06,000 --> 00:51:09,311
Then one afternoon Cream announced
he wanted to go the whole hog, you know.
906
00:51:09,840 --> 00:51:11,956
Have it off. His doodah.
907
00:51:13,200 --> 00:51:15,111
Doctor's orders, number 9.
908
00:51:16,280 --> 00:51:21,036
Wanted to be what he called a proper
wife to me, so in he went.
909
00:51:22,720 --> 00:51:24,074
Then he took bad.
910
00:51:25,480 --> 00:51:27,756
I don't see why they can't keep
hospitals clean.
911
00:51:27,960 --> 00:51:29,633
Never used to be a problem.
912
00:51:30,200 --> 00:51:33,431
My Auntie Sheila was feared
like Himmler on her ward.
913
00:51:36,960 --> 00:51:38,519
Then one afternoon...
914
00:51:39,760 --> 00:51:41,876
Heaven's gate, number 8.
915
00:51:44,840 --> 00:51:45,875
On its own...
916
00:51:48,640 --> 00:51:51,553
On its own, number one.
917
00:52:17,080 --> 00:52:18,753
When Mike and Cheryl...
918
00:52:24,760 --> 00:52:27,559
Announced that they were gonna renew
their marriage vows,
919
00:52:27,680 --> 00:52:29,751
I never thought for a million years
920
00:52:30,240 --> 00:52:33,358
Mike would ever let me
be his best man again.
921
00:52:34,720 --> 00:52:36,631
I've known Mike 32 years!
922
00:52:36,760 --> 00:52:37,875
You get less for murder!
923
00:52:38,000 --> 00:52:39,752
Yeah, all right, Mike,
this is my speech!
924
00:52:42,520 --> 00:52:43,954
And a lot's happened to us in that time.
925
00:52:44,080 --> 00:52:45,479
Well, to me, Mike and Brian.
926
00:52:45,600 --> 00:52:47,511
- Where is Brian, anyway?
- He's in the bog.
927
00:52:47,600 --> 00:52:48,590
Yeah, I bet he is.
928
00:52:48,720 --> 00:52:50,870
Cheryl has never really been part of it.
929
00:52:50,960 --> 00:52:53,634
Although recently I did have
the very great honour
930
00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:55,438
of being asked by Mike
931
00:52:55,640 --> 00:52:58,314
if I would smother Cheryl
while she slept.
932
00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:07,840
Because she got too fat to cope with.
But...
933
00:53:10,960 --> 00:53:12,758
After a change of heart...
934
00:53:13,840 --> 00:53:16,400
I don't mean Mike, I'm talking about
Cheryl's transplant...
935
00:53:19,400 --> 00:53:21,391
As you can see,
the weight has dropped off,
936
00:53:21,520 --> 00:53:23,796
and she's almost back to humanoid form.
937
00:53:26,000 --> 00:53:28,833
But luckily for Cheryl, Mike's always
had a very good sense of humour.
938
00:53:28,960 --> 00:53:32,874
Remember, remember the 5th of November,
Mike, 1998?
939
00:53:33,160 --> 00:53:35,071
When I dressed you as a guy,
put you in a pram,
940
00:53:35,200 --> 00:53:36,713
and you nearly got burned alive
in a bonfire?
941
00:53:38,080 --> 00:53:39,639
Yes, that was very funny, Geoff.
942
00:53:39,760 --> 00:53:43,116
I think my favourite one was
when we got lost on this, erm,
943
00:53:43,400 --> 00:53:45,755
team building exercise and, er,
944
00:53:46,360 --> 00:53:47,350
me and Brian... Here he is.
945
00:53:47,560 --> 00:53:49,278
We thought we'd killed Mike.
946
00:53:49,480 --> 00:53:51,756
We had to dispose of his body
in the woods.
947
00:53:52,080 --> 00:53:53,639
- Wolves did it.
- Yeah.
948
00:53:58,640 --> 00:54:00,039
And we'd have got away with it,
949
00:54:00,120 --> 00:54:02,396
but, unfortunately,
he wasn't actually dead!
950
00:54:02,560 --> 00:54:03,959
Had to spoil it!
951
00:54:07,240 --> 00:54:09,834
But it's not always been
such happy memories.
952
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:12,955
In 2002, for instance,
953
00:54:13,120 --> 00:54:15,919
Brian got bummed by some binmen.
Do you remember that, Brian?
954
00:54:19,680 --> 00:54:21,193
- Yeah, I do. Yeah.
- Yeah.
955
00:54:24,000 --> 00:54:25,832
And that's not even the bad part!
956
00:54:27,440 --> 00:54:31,229
That same year Mike had to sack me
from Royston Vasey plastics,
957
00:54:31,400 --> 00:54:34,836
and I set off to make my fortune
in London!
958
00:54:35,000 --> 00:54:36,991
On the stand-up comedy circuit.
959
00:54:37,200 --> 00:54:42,229
But, due to clever London people
being a set of miserable arseholes...
960
00:54:45,120 --> 00:54:48,238
I came back, I begged Mike
to give me my old job back,
961
00:54:48,320 --> 00:54:49,549
but he was having none of it...
962
00:54:49,640 --> 00:54:51,836
Do you remember what you said, Mike,
when I stood there,
963
00:54:51,920 --> 00:54:56,391
me cheeks stinging with tears, pleading
with ya to show me a scrap of humanity?
964
00:54:57,840 --> 00:54:58,830
Can't remember, Geoff.
965
00:54:58,920 --> 00:55:00,638
Oh, I remember. Hmm.
966
00:55:01,480 --> 00:55:03,153
I remember clearly.
967
00:55:03,560 --> 00:55:05,915
"Me hands are tied, bud."
That's what you said.
968
00:55:06,040 --> 00:55:07,872
"Me hands are tied, bud."
969
00:55:08,040 --> 00:55:09,713
Bud! Well, bud...
970
00:55:10,040 --> 00:55:12,031
I'm glad you've invited me
back here again today,
971
00:55:12,160 --> 00:55:13,594
'cause I finally realise now
972
00:55:13,680 --> 00:55:16,479
what a fucking jinx you've been
my entire life!
973
00:55:17,120 --> 00:55:18,235
Forever overlooked!
974
00:55:18,360 --> 00:55:19,395
Come off it, Geoff.
975
00:55:19,480 --> 00:55:21,915
And you're no better,
you four-eyed streak of piss!
976
00:55:24,400 --> 00:55:25,720
You know, the only consolation I have,
977
00:55:25,800 --> 00:55:28,997
the one thing that gives me
a tiny sense of justice?
978
00:55:30,200 --> 00:55:33,158
Was it 1987 when both our mums
got really ill?
979
00:55:34,440 --> 00:55:35,874
My mum died and yours didn't.
980
00:55:35,960 --> 00:55:36,950
Exactly!
981
00:55:43,360 --> 00:55:45,158
I won that.
982
00:55:47,520 --> 00:55:49,511
At least I won the mums!
983
00:55:52,240 --> 00:55:54,231
You know I've got this gun, don't ya!
984
00:55:55,520 --> 00:55:57,511
Would you miss me, Brian,
would you miss me?
985
00:55:57,640 --> 00:55:59,597
Do ya think? Ya fuckin'...
986
00:56:01,000 --> 00:56:03,958
Come on, Geoff. Let's not do this, eh.
987
00:56:04,600 --> 00:56:06,159
I still hate ya, Mike.
988
00:56:07,400 --> 00:56:10,199
I hate you even more
with all the added years.
989
00:56:11,000 --> 00:56:12,911
I hate that you've endured.
990
00:56:14,280 --> 00:56:15,429
I know you do, Geoff.
991
00:56:16,560 --> 00:56:18,153
But we still love you!
992
00:56:18,560 --> 00:56:19,789
Don't we, Brian?
993
00:56:20,880 --> 00:56:21,870
Yeah.
994
00:56:25,200 --> 00:56:26,793
But it's Mike and Cheryl's day.
995
00:56:30,360 --> 00:56:31,350
Again.
996
00:56:32,320 --> 00:56:34,675
Charge your glasses, please.
Join me in a toast
997
00:56:35,080 --> 00:56:36,195
to the happy couple.
998
00:56:37,080 --> 00:56:38,991
The happy couple...
999
00:56:46,080 --> 00:56:48,151
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
1000
00:56:48,280 --> 00:56:51,796
you are live backstage
with the Rev. Bernice Woodall.
1001
00:56:52,160 --> 00:56:55,596
Now you may have noticed this
in the foyer earlier.
1002
00:56:55,720 --> 00:56:56,790
So what's it all about?
1003
00:56:56,920 --> 00:57:01,039
Well, we live today, don't we,
in a very complex world,
1004
00:57:01,120 --> 00:57:03,634
and we must tread carefully, mustn't we,
1005
00:57:03,840 --> 00:57:08,118
through all the newfound sensitivities
and considerations.
1006
00:57:08,280 --> 00:57:12,990
With that in mind, I'd like to think
of myself as the powerful antibiotic,
1007
00:57:13,200 --> 00:57:16,670
injected directly into
the gonorrhoea-ridden prick
1008
00:57:16,800 --> 00:57:19,155
of contemporary cultural confusion.
1009
00:57:19,520 --> 00:57:22,080
So, let's have a little look
at some of the questions
1010
00:57:22,280 --> 00:57:24,954
that you've left me and see
if we can't be of some help.
1011
00:57:25,840 --> 00:57:26,830
Here we go.
1012
00:57:28,480 --> 00:57:32,678
This is from Leanne in row G22.
1013
00:57:32,840 --> 00:57:33,830
Hello, Leanne.
1014
00:57:34,040 --> 00:57:37,999
"Dear Bernice,
I very much like Chinese food,"
1015
00:57:38,360 --> 00:57:42,240
"but my partner is woke and he says
we shouldn't have it"
1016
00:57:42,440 --> 00:57:44,829
"as it's cultural appropriation."
1017
00:57:45,280 --> 00:57:47,396
"Is there anything you can suggest"
1018
00:57:47,480 --> 00:57:50,120
"that might help resolve
this disagreement?"
1019
00:57:50,840 --> 00:57:52,717
Well, yes, there is, Leanne.
1020
00:57:52,800 --> 00:57:56,077
I suggest that you tell him
to get fucked.
1021
00:57:56,800 --> 00:57:57,995
Well, that's that one sorted.
1022
00:57:58,080 --> 00:57:59,673
I'll see you in a bit for the next one.
1023
00:58:05,400 --> 00:58:06,799
Guten tag, kinder!
1024
00:58:11,280 --> 00:58:14,159
Guten tag. My name ist Herr Lipp.
1025
00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:17,753
And for the next few minutes,
I'm going to be taking all of you
1026
00:58:17,880 --> 00:58:18,870
in my German mouth.
1027
00:58:23,520 --> 00:58:25,113
Now as your supply teacher today,
1028
00:58:25,240 --> 00:58:27,038
it's really important for me
to understand
1029
00:58:27,120 --> 00:58:28,838
what you know and what you don't know.
1030
00:58:29,800 --> 00:58:31,473
Where your holes are...
1031
00:58:32,840 --> 00:58:34,877
And whether I can fill them for you.
1032
00:58:35,840 --> 00:58:37,274
Alles klar?
1033
00:58:37,920 --> 00:58:38,910
Alles klar.
1034
00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:40,479
Good. Alles klar.
1035
00:58:41,640 --> 00:58:44,598
Now, this afternoon I'm going to be
looking for a head boy
1036
00:58:45,000 --> 00:58:46,115
and a head...
1037
00:58:47,160 --> 00:58:48,389
One of the other ones.
1038
00:58:49,840 --> 00:58:54,869
And the best way to do this is for me
to enter your private area! So...
1039
00:59:00,760 --> 00:59:03,274
Just going to creep amongst you now,
1040
00:59:04,520 --> 00:59:07,160
and let's see who I can finger!
1041
00:59:11,720 --> 00:59:14,394
Now as you all know, boys and girls,
there are three words in German
1042
00:59:14,480 --> 00:59:16,437
for "that" which are der, die unt das.
1043
00:59:16,560 --> 00:59:18,756
Der is masculine for example...
1044
00:59:19,360 --> 00:59:20,953
Oh, sorry, madam. Sorry.
1045
00:59:24,800 --> 00:59:26,791
Die is a femidom.
1046
00:59:28,120 --> 00:59:29,554
And das...
1047
00:59:30,360 --> 00:59:32,397
Das is beautiful. What is your name?
1048
00:59:32,840 --> 00:59:33,830
Ian.
1049
00:59:33,920 --> 00:59:35,672
- Ian, and what is your name?
- Ellen.
1050
00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:38,116
Ian and Ellen, boys and girls!
1051
00:59:38,400 --> 00:59:40,994
Ian and Ellen!
1052
00:59:42,560 --> 00:59:45,393
Big round of applause for Ian and Ellen!
1053
00:59:48,040 --> 00:59:50,839
It's, er, quite a tight passage, Ian.
1054
00:59:56,880 --> 00:59:58,632
Ian and Ellen, boys and girls.
1055
01:00:11,240 --> 01:00:12,992
Ian, you're very cute.
1056
01:00:13,480 --> 01:00:15,596
I'd like to tickle your belly button.
1057
01:00:16,840 --> 01:00:18,353
From the inside.
1058
01:00:28,720 --> 01:00:31,712
Let's sit you over here,
so you're not cock-blocking me.
1059
01:00:38,280 --> 01:00:40,078
Ian...
1060
01:00:41,840 --> 01:00:43,672
Ooh, I made him cum
with just one finger!
1061
01:00:53,120 --> 01:00:55,157
Imagine what I could do
with a whole fist.
1062
01:00:57,280 --> 01:00:58,270
Please...
1063
01:01:01,160 --> 01:01:03,879
Now, Ian, I'm going to give you
a little examination.
1064
01:01:03,960 --> 01:01:06,110
Have you ever had a German oral before?
1065
01:01:07,240 --> 01:01:08,275
Not for many years.
1066
01:01:08,360 --> 01:01:10,192
Not for a while. Okay, well,
1067
01:01:10,760 --> 01:01:12,717
let's make a little adjustment here...
1068
01:01:25,880 --> 01:01:27,393
Now your lips are closer to the head.
1069
01:01:27,800 --> 01:01:28,790
Erm...
1070
01:01:28,920 --> 01:01:31,514
Here are your questions, but please
don't turn over till I tell you.
1071
01:01:31,600 --> 01:01:33,352
We don't want to rush these things.
1072
01:01:33,480 --> 01:01:35,391
Now, boys and girls,
as I'm sure you're all aware,
1073
01:01:35,480 --> 01:01:38,711
we have a school trip coming up
to the lovely town of Duisburg.
1074
01:01:38,880 --> 01:01:40,712
Which is gonna be
a real good treat, mmm!
1075
01:01:42,480 --> 01:01:46,633
The first stop on our trip is going
to be Duisburg art gallery,
1076
01:01:46,720 --> 01:01:50,429
so how would we say in German,
"My art trip"?
1077
01:01:57,520 --> 01:01:59,670
Mein kunstfahrt.
1078
01:02:01,320 --> 01:02:04,119
Congratulations. High five!
1079
01:02:08,120 --> 01:02:10,396
That's very impressive, though, erm...
1080
01:02:10,960 --> 01:02:12,439
You might see a doctor about that.
1081
01:02:12,680 --> 01:02:15,354
Now, on this trip it's real important
1082
01:02:15,440 --> 01:02:17,875
that we are all ambassadors
for our school.
1083
01:02:18,200 --> 01:02:23,070
So, Ian, how do we say in German,
"I am an ambassador"?
1084
01:02:27,600 --> 01:02:30,479
Ich bin ein botschafter.
1085
01:02:33,000 --> 01:02:33,990
Yes!
1086
01:02:37,960 --> 01:02:39,030
#MeToo.
1087
01:02:41,240 --> 01:02:43,993
We're all botschafters here,
boys and girls.
1088
01:02:44,600 --> 01:02:46,557
All botschafters.
1089
01:02:48,040 --> 01:02:51,476
Now, we have a lovely story in Duisburg,
boys and girls,
1090
01:02:51,560 --> 01:02:53,836
about a greedy little goat called May.
1091
01:02:54,080 --> 01:02:57,118
And May likes to gobble up everything
that she can see. Yeah?
1092
01:02:57,600 --> 01:02:58,874
Bit like me and you.
1093
01:03:13,680 --> 01:03:14,954
So, Ian...
1094
01:03:16,720 --> 01:03:21,874
How would we say, for example,
"May ate some common boiled silk"?
1095
01:03:24,640 --> 01:03:26,836
Mai ass nieder kochen seide.
1096
01:03:31,200 --> 01:03:34,477
Almost, I have a big tip for you,
would you like to receive it?
1097
01:03:36,400 --> 01:03:39,677
This is pronounced "side."
Silk is pronounced side.
1098
01:03:39,760 --> 01:03:40,750
So try again.
1099
01:03:40,880 --> 01:03:43,030
Mai ass neider kochen seide.
1100
01:03:49,360 --> 01:03:51,476
Just as I thought! Thank you, Ian.
1101
01:03:51,720 --> 01:03:54,314
Now, it's quite clear that Ian and I
1102
01:03:54,400 --> 01:03:56,516
need to do some
private tutoring together.
1103
01:03:56,800 --> 01:03:59,314
So you'll be relieved to know
you can take your seat.
1104
01:03:59,440 --> 01:04:02,910
Let's have a huge round of applause
for Ellen, boys and girls!
1105
01:04:03,000 --> 01:04:03,990
Thank you.
1106
01:04:05,560 --> 01:04:07,676
Ellen, boys and girls!
1107
01:04:14,160 --> 01:04:17,198
Congratulations, Ian,
you are my head boy.
1108
01:04:18,800 --> 01:04:20,916
Shortly I will take you
to the stiff room,
1109
01:04:22,640 --> 01:04:24,677
where I will give you my chocolate star.
1110
01:04:32,600 --> 01:04:33,954
Would you like that?
1111
01:04:34,320 --> 01:04:36,277
Ah, he's lapping it up!
1112
01:04:36,600 --> 01:04:40,195
Now, before we go, there's one more
phrase I want us all to learn,
1113
01:04:40,320 --> 01:04:43,711
so please everybody read it
after three, eins, zwei, drei...
1114
01:04:44,800 --> 01:04:47,519
Herr Lipp willkommen Ian.
1115
01:04:47,600 --> 01:04:48,590
Ja.
1116
01:04:53,920 --> 01:04:55,718
Only I willkommen Ian...
1117
01:04:57,080 --> 01:04:58,070
And that's a promise.
1118
01:04:58,200 --> 01:04:59,315
You've been a great sport.
1119
01:04:59,400 --> 01:05:01,994
Let's hear it for Ian, boys and girls!
Ian!
1120
01:05:02,320 --> 01:05:03,993
- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.
1121
01:05:04,080 --> 01:05:05,070
Ian!
1122
01:05:10,340 --> 01:05:11,191
Oh!
1123
01:05:12,240 --> 01:05:14,436
Well, sadly, there goes the bellend.
1124
01:05:15,960 --> 01:05:17,189
Not you, Ian, not you.
1125
01:05:19,280 --> 01:05:21,556
Unfortunately, that means it's the end
of our lessons,
1126
01:05:21,640 --> 01:05:22,869
but enjoy the rest of your day.
1127
01:05:22,960 --> 01:05:25,759
And remember,
don't let the bugger bite you.
1128
01:05:26,200 --> 01:05:27,190
Tschüss!
1129
01:05:33,120 --> 01:05:36,351
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Surgery in Action Live.
1130
01:05:36,720 --> 01:05:39,758
Today's subject,
cataracts and their removal.
1131
01:05:40,520 --> 01:05:42,716
Sadly, our usual expert is unavailable,
1132
01:05:43,080 --> 01:05:46,357
but we have been able to get our hands
on a last-minute replacement.
1133
01:05:47,600 --> 01:05:48,590
Hello.
1134
01:05:52,160 --> 01:05:53,150
Hello there.
1135
01:05:53,640 --> 01:05:56,917
It's amazing what science can do
these days, isn't it?
1136
01:05:57,360 --> 01:06:00,398
Not so long ago, cataracts would have
condemned an elderly animal
1137
01:06:00,480 --> 01:06:02,790
to a life of sightlessness,
bumbling around,
1138
01:06:02,880 --> 01:06:06,316
banging into sharp objects
and generally having a miserable time.
1139
01:06:06,640 --> 01:06:10,395
But now thanks to a simple procedure,
a bright new dawn beckons.
1140
01:06:10,600 --> 01:06:14,389
So, without further ado, please welcome
Plop Plop the panda.
1141
01:06:20,680 --> 01:06:21,670
Isn't he lovely?
1142
01:06:22,000 --> 01:06:24,879
What a magnificent specimen he is.
1143
01:06:25,120 --> 01:06:27,191
Now you may not be aware
that Plop Plop was a gift
1144
01:06:27,280 --> 01:06:29,556
from the People's Republic of China
to Royston Vasey's...
1145
01:06:29,640 --> 01:06:31,233
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...
1146
01:06:31,800 --> 01:06:34,235
Poor old Plop Plop really is
as blind as a bat.
1147
01:06:34,320 --> 01:06:35,435
Let's get you into the chair.
1148
01:06:35,960 --> 01:06:36,950
There's a clever boy.
1149
01:06:37,600 --> 01:06:38,954
Nothing to worry about.
1150
01:06:39,880 --> 01:06:40,870
There we are.
1151
01:06:41,720 --> 01:06:43,199
Have a little munch on your bamboo.
1152
01:06:43,840 --> 01:06:44,830
Very good.
1153
01:06:45,640 --> 01:06:47,392
Now, the innovation which has made
all the difference
1154
01:06:47,480 --> 01:06:50,313
in recent years is of course, the laser!
1155
01:06:56,400 --> 01:06:59,438
This remarkable machine is capable
of pointing a beam of light
1156
01:06:59,520 --> 01:07:00,954
onto the surface of the moon,
1157
01:07:01,080 --> 01:07:03,720
or removing individual crystals
from a snowflake.
1158
01:07:03,800 --> 01:07:04,995
Imagine that, boys and girls.
1159
01:07:05,240 --> 01:07:07,117
Just going to, uh, power her up.
1160
01:07:09,760 --> 01:07:12,149
Let the machine calibrate.
1161
01:07:12,320 --> 01:07:14,789
Obviously, I'll narrow the focus
of the beam for the operation.
1162
01:07:14,920 --> 01:07:17,639
Oh, dear, I'm afraid Plop Plop
is a little distressed
1163
01:07:17,720 --> 01:07:19,677
by the colours, sounds and shapes.
1164
01:07:20,440 --> 01:07:24,115
I'll take this opportunity to give
our friend a little sedative,
1165
01:07:24,440 --> 01:07:27,273
as it's obviously imperative
1166
01:07:27,560 --> 01:07:30,074
that Plop Plop be as calm as possible,
1167
01:07:30,280 --> 01:07:33,318
whilst I slice through
those naughty old cataracts.
1168
01:07:33,840 --> 01:07:34,830
There, there...
1169
01:07:35,560 --> 01:07:36,550
There, there.
1170
01:07:37,160 --> 01:07:39,834
Off you go. Good boy.
1171
01:07:41,240 --> 01:07:45,313
Now laser, which stands for Light
Amplification by Stimulated Emission
1172
01:07:45,400 --> 01:07:47,118
of Radiation was developed...
1173
01:07:48,360 --> 01:07:51,079
Do you know what? I'm just gonna make
a tiny adjustment to the chair,
1174
01:07:51,160 --> 01:07:54,630
just to make sure that Plop Plop is in
the optimum position for the operation.
1175
01:07:54,880 --> 01:07:58,350
I think there's a little screw here
somewhere towards the front.
1176
01:07:58,600 --> 01:08:00,159
If I can just find that...
1177
01:08:00,320 --> 01:08:04,109
Plop Plop will be as right as nine
pence in no time at all.
1178
01:08:19,160 --> 01:08:21,549
Ah there it is, got it.
Yep, that's fine.
1179
01:08:21,640 --> 01:08:24,109
Okay. Right, Plop Plop, nothing to...
1180
01:08:32,040 --> 01:08:33,553
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
1181
01:08:44,960 --> 01:08:46,553
Should have gone to Specsavers.
1182
01:08:51,000 --> 01:08:52,718
How is it tonight, Mark?
1183
01:08:52,800 --> 01:08:53,915
Er... Pretty good, actually.
1184
01:08:54,040 --> 01:08:55,314
Oh, great, well, I'll let you get on.
1185
01:08:55,400 --> 01:08:56,959
I know you've got a quick change.
1186
01:08:57,040 --> 01:08:58,030
Yeah.
1187
01:08:59,760 --> 01:09:01,433
He's a monster, apparently.
1188
01:09:01,680 --> 01:09:03,751
Okay, next question.
1189
01:09:08,440 --> 01:09:11,558
"Dear Bernice,
This might sound strange,"
1190
01:09:11,680 --> 01:09:13,876
"but as a cisgender white male,"
1191
01:09:14,200 --> 01:09:17,158
"I have for many years
looked in the mirror,"
1192
01:09:17,280 --> 01:09:19,749
"and, despite seeing
a human reflection,"
1193
01:09:19,960 --> 01:09:23,351
"I have inside felt something
completely different."
1194
01:09:24,000 --> 01:09:26,799
"Where there are hands and feet,
I feel hooves."
1195
01:09:27,200 --> 01:09:30,830
"And in the middle of my forehead,
I sense a horn."
1196
01:09:31,440 --> 01:09:34,193
"Do you think it's time
to take the plunge"
1197
01:09:34,400 --> 01:09:38,314
"and fully identify as being a unicorn?"
1198
01:09:39,880 --> 01:09:42,793
What in the name of Christ
are you talking about?
1199
01:09:43,560 --> 01:09:45,437
This isn't a magic faraway tree.
1200
01:09:45,520 --> 01:09:47,193
Living in the real world, Mister!
1201
01:09:47,280 --> 01:09:50,113
Here's an idea, stop looking at yourself
in the mirror
1202
01:09:50,200 --> 01:09:53,318
and try to imagine a world
that doesn't revolve around you,
1203
01:09:53,400 --> 01:09:55,311
you narcissistic bellend!
1204
01:09:55,440 --> 01:09:59,354
Maybe that's what you can feel on your
fucking forehead, ya daft twat!
1205
01:09:59,880 --> 01:10:02,633
Turn that fucking camera off.
Whoever said this was a good idea?
1206
01:10:54,760 --> 01:10:55,750
How are you feeling, Mickey?
1207
01:10:55,920 --> 01:10:56,910
I am sad.
1208
01:10:58,640 --> 01:11:01,029
Must be very difficult.
How do you even begin mourning?
1209
01:11:01,320 --> 01:11:03,152
With a poo and a shave usually.
1210
01:11:06,080 --> 01:11:08,435
I have written her a poem,
would you like to hear it?
1211
01:11:08,560 --> 01:11:10,471
Yes, I think that would be appropriate.
1212
01:11:10,720 --> 01:11:12,996
"I can't believe you're dead, Pauline."
1213
01:11:13,160 --> 01:11:14,833
"I know I'm going to miss you."
1214
01:11:14,920 --> 01:11:17,434
"It's strange to think
you're in this box,"
1215
01:11:17,760 --> 01:11:19,876
"your penis buried with you."
1216
01:11:21,360 --> 01:11:23,476
I think that's,
"Your pen is buried with you."
1217
01:11:26,280 --> 01:11:27,270
- Thank you.
- All right.
1218
01:11:28,320 --> 01:11:32,109
"You've reached the final resting place
on life's great adventure,"
1219
01:11:32,320 --> 01:11:35,995
"but you probably won't remember it,
because you had dementia."
1220
01:11:38,160 --> 01:11:43,394
"You won't be getting a restart now,
you're dead and living with Jesus!"
1221
01:11:45,120 --> 01:11:48,431
"But I know every morning in heaven,
you'll be shouting..."
1222
01:11:48,520 --> 01:11:52,036
Good morning, jobseekers!
1223
01:12:17,760 --> 01:12:19,671
Okey cokey!
1224
01:12:19,760 --> 01:12:21,512
Pig in a pokey!
1225
01:12:21,600 --> 01:12:22,590
Pauline!
1226
01:12:22,720 --> 01:12:25,792
That's right, Mickey love!
The bitch is back!
1227
01:12:27,400 --> 01:12:29,710
Serving Jobcentre realness.
1228
01:12:32,000 --> 01:12:35,072
And look, what an honour, I can't
believe you came to my funeral.
1229
01:12:35,160 --> 01:12:36,150
How's Mel?
1230
01:12:36,360 --> 01:12:37,350
Mel?
1231
01:12:37,480 --> 01:12:39,630
Sorry, I thought it was Sue Perkins
stood there.
1232
01:12:47,800 --> 01:12:48,790
Hello, Ross.
1233
01:12:48,880 --> 01:12:50,837
What's going on, Pauline?
You're supposed to be dead!
1234
01:12:50,920 --> 01:12:52,274
Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you,
1235
01:12:52,360 --> 01:12:54,715
but there's plenty of ink
left in this pen yet.
1236
01:12:55,480 --> 01:12:57,073
So you know what you can do, don't ya?
1237
01:12:57,320 --> 01:12:58,799
- Piss off?
- That's right.
1238
01:12:59,320 --> 01:13:00,719
- Yeah!
- Aw.
1239
01:13:01,080 --> 01:13:02,434
So what happened, Pauline?
1240
01:13:02,560 --> 01:13:05,518
Well, Mickey love, allow me to explain.
1241
01:13:09,080 --> 01:13:10,753
It all started when I lost my job,
1242
01:13:10,840 --> 01:13:13,673
thanks to that backstabbing slimeball,
Ross Gains.
1243
01:13:14,400 --> 01:13:16,437
Do you remember my first day back?
1244
01:13:16,600 --> 01:13:18,238
Okey cokey, pig in a pokey!
1245
01:13:18,440 --> 01:13:20,113
Good morning, jobseekers.
1246
01:13:20,240 --> 01:13:21,594
You just said that, Pauline.
1247
01:13:21,720 --> 01:13:24,792
Yes, I know I did, Mickey love,
it's called a flashback.
1248
01:13:25,320 --> 01:13:28,312
It's a way of being allowed to
do material from series one.
1249
01:13:32,960 --> 01:13:34,837
Now can you all hear me at the back?
1250
01:13:35,680 --> 01:13:36,670
Yes.
1251
01:13:36,760 --> 01:13:38,433
Can you all hear me at the top?
1252
01:13:38,760 --> 01:13:40,398
Yes.
1253
01:13:40,520 --> 01:13:43,558
Yes! You're the proper dole scum,
aren't ya?
1254
01:13:49,840 --> 01:13:51,638
You cheap bastards!
1255
01:13:55,000 --> 01:13:56,593
I dread to think what you lot look like,
1256
01:13:56,720 --> 01:13:58,518
it's The Hills Have Eyes down here!
1257
01:14:01,960 --> 01:14:03,189
Fuckin' hell!
1258
01:14:05,720 --> 01:14:08,075
Well, don't worry, you're gonna have
the last laugh.
1259
01:14:08,280 --> 01:14:12,069
Everyone from row G to the front
is gonna be investigated!
1260
01:14:14,360 --> 01:14:16,920
No way you're on the dole
paying these fuckin prices.
1261
01:14:19,040 --> 01:14:21,919
But remember, we are all
in the same boat.
1262
01:14:22,320 --> 01:14:23,913
Well, I'm not, I've got a job.
1263
01:14:24,720 --> 01:14:26,757
But you're all in the same boat.
1264
01:14:26,840 --> 01:14:30,390
And as such, I want for you
to think of me as your cox.
1265
01:14:30,840 --> 01:14:31,830
Cocks!
1266
01:14:32,880 --> 01:14:34,518
So what we're gonna do first,
jobseekers,
1267
01:14:34,600 --> 01:14:37,797
is write down all the jobs
that we can think of. Okay?
1268
01:14:37,880 --> 01:14:41,191
So let's go over to the board now,
and we'll start with babysitter,
1269
01:14:41,280 --> 01:14:43,351
bramble-picker, and...
1270
01:14:47,800 --> 01:14:48,790
Can I help you?
1271
01:14:59,240 --> 01:15:01,311
Ross, come over here a second.
1272
01:15:03,720 --> 01:15:04,710
I knew it!
1273
01:15:05,240 --> 01:15:07,231
At least he gives a good performance.
1274
01:15:07,640 --> 01:15:09,392
Who or what the frig are you
1275
01:15:09,480 --> 01:15:11,232
and what are you doing
writing on my pad?
1276
01:15:11,400 --> 01:15:13,789
If you had been here on time,
you would know by now.
1277
01:15:13,920 --> 01:15:17,800
My name is Cathy Carter-Smith,
and this is now my pad!
1278
01:15:17,920 --> 01:15:20,116
Er, I think you're
in the wrong room, dear.
1279
01:15:20,240 --> 01:15:23,596
If you're after the Rose West lookalike
competition, it's downstairs.
1280
01:15:26,000 --> 01:15:29,516
That's rich coming from the woman
that was baptised at Seaworld.
1281
01:15:32,160 --> 01:15:34,549
What's your blood type, Nutella?
1282
01:15:35,800 --> 01:15:38,440
Er, excuse me, who do you think
you're talking to?
1283
01:15:38,520 --> 01:15:42,036
Well, according to my report,
a 50-year-old psychotic lesbian.
1284
01:15:42,760 --> 01:15:46,037
How dare you?
I'm 48 and I always will be.
1285
01:15:46,680 --> 01:15:48,114
What do you want me to do about it?
1286
01:15:48,200 --> 01:15:50,589
Roll over and shit out
little walnut whips?
1287
01:16:03,360 --> 01:16:04,350
Do that again.
1288
01:16:06,320 --> 01:16:07,754
You are a dinosaur, Pauline.
1289
01:16:07,840 --> 01:16:09,638
You've got to get with the modern age!
1290
01:16:09,760 --> 01:16:12,320
It's all about faxes now.
Dial-up modems.
1291
01:16:12,400 --> 01:16:14,994
I bet you've never even heard
of a Sony Walkman.
1292
01:16:15,280 --> 01:16:17,510
This material has not aged well.
1293
01:16:25,480 --> 01:16:27,039
The only job you're ever going to get
1294
01:16:27,120 --> 01:16:29,714
is if monkey man here pays you
to give him one!
1295
01:16:32,320 --> 01:16:33,719
And then what happened?
1296
01:16:33,920 --> 01:16:37,151
I was sent to a women's prison
for attempting to kidnap Ross.
1297
01:16:37,280 --> 01:16:38,270
The Clit Clink?
1298
01:16:38,520 --> 01:16:39,510
That's right!
1299
01:16:39,760 --> 01:16:45,312
And after I was released, you and I
ended up in a romantic relationship.
1300
01:17:38,680 --> 01:17:39,670
Well, at least...
1301
01:17:47,760 --> 01:17:51,116
At least now your little fireman's
got a nice clean helmet.
1302
01:17:52,720 --> 01:17:54,358
My first proper job.
1303
01:17:54,960 --> 01:17:56,109
Will it affect me dole money?
1304
01:17:56,200 --> 01:17:57,713
I shouldn't think so, Mickey love.
1305
01:17:57,840 --> 01:17:59,513
Tell me again about the shop, Pauline.
1306
01:17:59,600 --> 01:18:01,352
Well, it'll be called "Her Nibs."
1307
01:18:01,480 --> 01:18:04,120
There'll be two giant fountain pens
either side of the door,
1308
01:18:04,240 --> 01:18:08,393
and inside, gel pens, highlighters,
50 shades of Quink.
1309
01:18:08,520 --> 01:18:10,079
And I can work there at weekends.
1310
01:18:10,200 --> 01:18:13,238
You can work there weekends
on a zero-hours contract.
1311
01:18:13,720 --> 01:18:15,518
I'll put you in charge of refills.
1312
01:18:15,680 --> 01:18:18,320
Speaking of refills,
I think I'm ready to go again.
1313
01:18:18,600 --> 01:18:21,718
Oof! It's like a jumbo ballpoint!
1314
01:18:22,400 --> 01:18:24,710
Pauline, it occurs to me that
in a zero-hours contract,
1315
01:18:24,840 --> 01:18:26,990
I will not receive the pension
and health insurance benefits
1316
01:18:27,120 --> 01:18:29,714
to which I am properly entitled
as an articled employee.
1317
01:18:31,080 --> 01:18:32,070
You what?
1318
01:18:34,680 --> 01:18:36,034
And that's when it hit me.
1319
01:18:36,200 --> 01:18:38,077
A health insurance scam.
1320
01:18:38,200 --> 01:18:40,237
I chose dementia.
1321
01:18:40,520 --> 01:18:43,672
Okay cokey, pig in a... Blanket.
1322
01:18:44,440 --> 01:18:46,909
My name is Pauline Scrambled Phones.
1323
01:18:47,000 --> 01:18:47,990
Have I done this bit?
1324
01:18:48,080 --> 01:18:50,549
Like you, Mickey,
it was easy to pull off,
1325
01:18:50,640 --> 01:18:53,029
and it gave me the biggest payout.
1326
01:18:54,720 --> 01:18:55,710
The rest was simple.
1327
01:18:55,880 --> 01:18:59,111
A forged death certificate,
a life insurance payout,
1328
01:18:59,200 --> 01:19:02,113
and me and you in a four-bed villa
on the Côte d'Azur.
1329
01:19:02,200 --> 01:19:03,554
That's in France, Mickey love.
1330
01:19:03,720 --> 01:19:06,473
You won't need a coat in France,
Pauline, it's boiling.
1331
01:19:06,680 --> 01:19:07,670
I'll go get me passport.
1332
01:19:07,760 --> 01:19:08,750
Mwah!
1333
01:19:09,280 --> 01:19:11,396
Aren't you forgetting something,
Pauline?
1334
01:19:15,320 --> 01:19:17,118
Whilst you've been spilling
your guts to Mickey,
1335
01:19:17,200 --> 01:19:20,158
I've been under this umbrella
the whole time!
1336
01:19:21,720 --> 01:19:24,838
I'm gonna report you to the insurance
company and the police!
1337
01:19:25,120 --> 01:19:27,839
Please, Ross. Think of the child!
1338
01:19:28,160 --> 01:19:30,754
Beg me. Beg me, Pauline.
1339
01:19:31,720 --> 01:19:35,953
But, Ross, we had a connection once.
Don't you remember?
1340
01:19:54,720 --> 01:19:55,710
I do regret that.
1341
01:19:57,880 --> 01:19:59,279
As an actor, I regret that.
1342
01:20:08,000 --> 01:20:08,990
Well, I don't.
1343
01:20:10,600 --> 01:20:11,954
You'll never get away with this,
Pauline.
1344
01:20:12,080 --> 01:20:14,276
You can't exactly bury an empty coffin.
1345
01:20:14,400 --> 01:20:16,914
Oh, no, Ross, I think you
could be right.
1346
01:20:18,880 --> 01:20:19,870
Argh! No! Argh!
1347
01:20:19,960 --> 01:20:22,679
This one's ready
for the incinerator, guys!
1348
01:20:24,000 --> 01:20:26,469
Come on, let's give him a really good
send off! Everybody!
1349
01:20:28,400 --> 01:20:29,390
Whoo!
1350
01:20:36,040 --> 01:20:37,997
Ross in peace!
1351
01:20:40,840 --> 01:20:41,830
Ooh...
1352
01:20:42,120 --> 01:20:43,599
Can you hear that?
1353
01:20:44,120 --> 01:20:45,679
Someone must be getting married.
1354
01:20:45,920 --> 01:20:47,240
I wonder who that could be.
1355
01:20:47,480 --> 01:20:50,199
Au revoir, jobseekers!
1356
01:20:57,602 --> 01:21:00,712
Dear Benjamin,
I hope that life is treating you well
1357
01:21:00,960 --> 01:21:03,429
and that you've managed to forgive me
for tying you to a chair
1358
01:21:03,560 --> 01:21:05,949
and forcing you to swallow a toad
that was impregnated
1359
01:21:06,040 --> 01:21:07,553
with the soul of your dead uncle.
1360
01:21:08,200 --> 01:21:10,919
As you know,
Harvey was the love of my life,
1361
01:21:11,520 --> 01:21:14,273
and he will never, ever be forgotten.
1362
01:21:15,840 --> 01:21:18,309
In other news, I've decided to remarry.
1363
01:21:18,680 --> 01:21:20,717
I've met a wonderful man
on the Internet.
1364
01:21:20,880 --> 01:21:23,713
He was selling his dead wife's
vaginal douche on eBay,
1365
01:21:24,240 --> 01:21:25,833
and we immediately hit it off.
1366
01:21:26,120 --> 01:21:28,634
Do come to the wedding,
it would be lovely to see you.
1367
01:21:29,120 --> 01:21:31,634
Much love, Auntie Val.
1368
01:21:33,880 --> 01:21:36,156
Hello, Chloe, it's Mummy.
1369
01:21:37,520 --> 01:21:40,638
Listen, I've just spoken to Howard,
and he's going to be a few minutes late.
1370
01:21:41,360 --> 01:21:43,636
No, he had another row with Barbara
about pronouns,
1371
01:21:43,720 --> 01:21:44,994
and she refused to pick him up.
1372
01:21:46,320 --> 01:21:47,310
No, it's perfectly all right.
1373
01:21:47,400 --> 01:21:49,994
I just asked the vicar to delay
the ceremony for a few moments.
1374
01:21:50,280 --> 01:21:53,750
All right. No, no, the toads
are only coming to the night do.
1375
01:21:54,720 --> 01:21:55,710
See you soon.
1376
01:21:56,960 --> 01:21:57,950
Oh, vicar!
1377
01:22:05,400 --> 01:22:08,870
Hello, Dave!
1378
01:22:19,760 --> 01:22:21,671
Is that Dave?
1379
01:22:22,800 --> 01:22:24,029
Um...
1380
01:22:26,760 --> 01:22:30,469
I'm afraid my fiancé is stuck
in traffic, but he'll be here shortly.
1381
01:22:30,600 --> 01:22:33,274
Don't worry, Dave, he doesn't
need to be here.
1382
01:22:34,840 --> 01:22:37,514
We can start without him.
1383
01:22:38,720 --> 01:22:39,710
Dear Dave's...
1384
01:22:39,800 --> 01:22:40,790
Oh, erm...
1385
01:22:40,880 --> 01:22:42,632
We are gathered here to-Dave's...
1386
01:22:45,320 --> 01:22:49,109
In sight of the holy trinity,
Simba, Pebbil, Tiktik.
1387
01:22:50,880 --> 01:22:54,589
To marry this woman to this man.
1388
01:22:55,000 --> 01:22:58,311
First of all I must ask
is there any reason...
1389
01:23:00,120 --> 01:23:05,672
Anyone to know the reason
for the block in the toilet.
1390
01:23:08,160 --> 01:23:10,515
Please declare it now.
1391
01:23:11,280 --> 01:23:13,271
Anyone? No? Okay.
1392
01:23:13,360 --> 01:23:17,354
We may begin the reading, Dave.
1393
01:23:17,440 --> 01:23:18,430
Give me your hand.
1394
01:23:19,000 --> 01:23:20,593
- Dave...
- Er, my name's Val.
1395
01:23:20,680 --> 01:23:22,671
- So who is this Dave?
- I don't know.
1396
01:23:22,760 --> 01:23:24,876
Don't worry, Dave, I won't say anything.
1397
01:23:26,840 --> 01:23:30,993
Dave, do you take this man to be
your lawful wedded Dave?
1398
01:23:33,000 --> 01:23:37,198
Will you love him, honour him,
comfort him, buy some pegs, Dave!
1399
01:23:37,840 --> 01:23:39,638
Erm, I will.
1400
01:23:39,720 --> 01:23:43,031
Good. You may now fix the toilet.
1401
01:23:43,920 --> 01:23:44,910
I'm sorry?
1402
01:23:45,000 --> 01:23:46,354
You've gotta fix the toilet, Dave,
1403
01:23:46,440 --> 01:23:49,558
there's a tampac inside
belonging to you.
1404
01:23:50,320 --> 01:23:51,310
A tampac?
1405
01:23:51,400 --> 01:23:52,390
Yeah. Real big one.
1406
01:23:52,480 --> 01:23:54,869
But vicar you're supposed to be
marrying me.
1407
01:23:55,000 --> 01:23:56,991
I'm trying to marry you.
1408
01:24:04,440 --> 01:24:07,432
I would now like to ask the congregation
to join with me
1409
01:24:07,520 --> 01:24:09,830
in reciting the Lord Dave's prayer.
1410
01:24:11,640 --> 01:24:14,792
Repeat after me, autum spraw...
1411
01:24:15,160 --> 01:24:16,594
Autum spraw.
1412
01:24:16,720 --> 01:24:18,791
Ticbana sandwa.
1413
01:24:19,080 --> 01:24:20,639
Ticbana sandwa.
1414
01:24:26,960 --> 01:24:30,112
Birds Eye Potato Waffles,
so waffly versatile!
1415
01:24:31,680 --> 01:24:34,957
Birds Eye Potato Waffles,
so waffly versatile!
1416
01:24:35,040 --> 01:24:36,030
That's right.
1417
01:24:39,920 --> 01:24:41,957
Okay, clap your hands, everyone,
let's go!
1418
01:24:57,200 --> 01:24:58,474
Okay, stop, stop, stop!
1419
01:24:59,960 --> 01:25:01,314
Hat nearly came off.
1420
01:25:03,680 --> 01:25:05,034
Now wh... Oh, she's gone.
1421
01:25:06,280 --> 01:25:11,354
Not to worry, there are plenty more
replacements here this evening.
1422
01:25:12,720 --> 01:25:15,758
Okay, ladies, I want you to raise
your left hands.
1423
01:25:16,000 --> 01:25:18,799
Raise your left hands, ladies,
I wanna see the rings.
1424
01:25:18,920 --> 01:25:20,479
Show me the rings.
1425
01:25:21,680 --> 01:25:24,149
Not that kind of ring, sir.
You can sit back down.
1426
01:25:24,880 --> 01:25:27,349
Okay, get your hands back down
if you like.
1427
01:25:27,600 --> 01:25:31,673
Having showed me your rings, you have
entered into a legally binding contract.
1428
01:25:33,160 --> 01:25:36,278
From this day forward,
to grab and to hold.
1429
01:25:36,520 --> 01:25:39,114
For worse, for poorer and in sickness,
1430
01:25:39,440 --> 01:25:44,150
I hereby declare you're my wives now!
1431
01:25:58,544 --> 01:25:59,550
Rock and roll,
1432
01:26:00,160 --> 01:26:01,753
what does it mean to you?
1433
01:26:01,960 --> 01:26:04,873
For me, it's a euphemism for sex, right?
1434
01:26:05,160 --> 01:26:07,720
Exciting, raw, a Saturday night.
1435
01:26:07,960 --> 01:26:09,314
Whiskey a go go.
1436
01:26:09,440 --> 01:26:12,034
Screwing a broad hard
against a brick wall.
1437
01:26:12,240 --> 01:26:13,833
What does it mean to you?
1438
01:26:20,200 --> 01:26:22,032
I was an emergency Womble.
1439
01:26:22,240 --> 01:26:23,230
What?
1440
01:26:24,520 --> 01:26:27,239
Radio 1 Roadshow, August 1974.
1441
01:26:27,720 --> 01:26:30,189
There must have been upwards
of 100 people on that beach.
1442
01:26:30,880 --> 01:26:33,838
Tobermory had the runs,
so at the last minute he couldn't go on.
1443
01:26:34,600 --> 01:26:36,557
I was just selling cornets by the lavs.
1444
01:26:36,640 --> 01:26:39,871
Then suddenly there he is, the governor,
Mike Batt.
1445
01:26:40,200 --> 01:26:41,679
"I need a Womble!" He says.
1446
01:26:41,800 --> 01:26:44,553
I was inside that costume
before you could say Pickettywitch.
1447
01:26:45,840 --> 01:26:48,753
Ponged a bit, mind, but Madam Cholet
had a tin of Mr Sheen in her pouch,
1448
01:26:48,840 --> 01:26:50,399
and that freshened up the gusset a bit.
1449
01:26:50,520 --> 01:26:52,238
Listen, fuck The Wombles!
1450
01:26:52,360 --> 01:26:54,033
Ooh. I don't think that'd be right,
Mr Dredge.
1451
01:26:54,120 --> 01:26:55,838
Whatever the hell they are.
1452
01:26:56,080 --> 01:27:00,313
I need you to put your soul
into this new material.
1453
01:27:00,520 --> 01:27:02,511
I need a song from the heart.
1454
01:27:02,800 --> 01:27:06,236
Les, show me who you are
for Christ's sake!
1455
01:27:06,817 --> 01:27:07,870
Tell me!
1456
01:27:13,570 --> 01:27:16,433
♪ I guess I'm just a simple man
1457
01:27:17,660 --> 01:27:20,593
♪ I've never really had a plan
1458
01:27:21,600 --> 01:27:27,118
♪ I've just been taken wherever
the wind, it has blown me
1459
01:27:29,680 --> 01:27:32,149
♪ It never really blew me far
1460
01:27:32,960 --> 01:27:35,429
♪ From Middlesbrough to near Redcar!
1461
01:27:36,320 --> 01:27:41,030
♪ Where I worked for a man
who owned a mobile disco
1462
01:27:41,400 --> 01:27:42,390
♪ Whoa-ho!
1463
01:27:43,320 --> 01:27:45,960
♪ We did weddings and Christmas dos
1464
01:27:46,640 --> 01:27:49,314
♪ Till he got on the local news
1465
01:27:49,880 --> 01:27:52,520
♪ For taking photographs
of topless girls
1466
01:27:52,640 --> 01:27:54,916
♪ That were technically minors
1467
01:27:55,000 --> 01:27:56,718
♪ They were minors
1468
01:27:56,960 --> 01:27:59,520
♪ So I took up the bass guitar
1469
01:28:00,400 --> 01:28:02,835
♪ I knew that it would carry me far
1470
01:28:03,560 --> 01:28:08,794
♪ Which it did to a band that played
weekends at Butlin's in Farley
1471
01:28:08,880 --> 01:28:10,439
♪ Butlin's in Farley!
1472
01:28:10,680 --> 01:28:13,240
♪ From there it would be a short hop
1473
01:28:14,160 --> 01:28:16,549
♪ To the heights of Top of the Pops
1474
01:28:17,400 --> 01:28:19,789
♪ Or at least an appearance with Mud
1475
01:28:20,240 --> 01:28:21,992
♪ On Seaside Special
1476
01:28:22,160 --> 01:28:24,071
♪ Seaside Special
1477
01:28:24,400 --> 01:28:27,040
♪ When I say an appearance, I mean
1478
01:28:27,680 --> 01:28:30,433
♪ I was running the dry ice machine
1479
01:28:31,080 --> 01:28:34,391
♪ That engulfed Les Gray
in thick clouds of CO2
1480
01:28:34,480 --> 01:28:35,800
♪ That nearly choked him!
1481
01:28:36,480 --> 01:28:37,959
♪ Choked him
1482
01:28:39,520 --> 01:28:42,478
♪ So it's back to the drawing board
1483
01:28:43,280 --> 01:28:45,954
♪ And I knew that I had finally scored
1484
01:28:46,600 --> 01:28:51,071
♪ When I got wanked off in a van
by a groupie called Maureen
1485
01:28:51,280 --> 01:28:53,271
♪ Groupie called Maureen
1486
01:28:53,840 --> 01:28:56,150
♪ I think she felt sorry for me
1487
01:28:57,160 --> 01:28:59,436
♪ She looked a bit like Kiki Dee
1488
01:29:00,440 --> 01:29:05,071
♪ If your half-closed your eyes
and ignored her west country accent
1489
01:29:05,160 --> 01:29:07,071
♪ West country accent
1490
01:29:07,760 --> 01:29:10,832
♪ But now I am an older man
1491
01:29:11,880 --> 01:29:15,236
♪ And I look back on my life
with no plan
1492
01:29:16,200 --> 01:29:22,310
♪ It was a young man's game
and truly it was a shit business
1493
01:29:22,400 --> 01:29:24,596
♪ A shit business
1494
01:29:25,040 --> 01:29:28,920
♪ But I never lost me hopes and dreams
1495
01:29:29,360 --> 01:29:32,876
♪ And though not much came of me schemes
1496
01:29:33,360 --> 01:29:36,557
♪ I still see Maureen sometimes
1497
01:29:36,640 --> 01:29:38,756
♪ When the grandkids aren't with her
1498
01:29:39,148 --> 01:29:40,310
All right, my lover?
1499
01:29:41,040 --> 01:29:43,190
♪ I guess I'm just a simple man
1500
01:29:44,257 --> 01:29:46,789
♪ I've never really had a plan
1501
01:29:47,760 --> 01:29:51,879
♪ I've just been taken
wherever the wind, it has blown me
1502
01:29:52,200 --> 01:29:53,713
♪ It has blown me
1503
01:29:54,120 --> 01:29:56,760
♪ I guess I'm just a simple man
1504
01:29:57,920 --> 01:30:00,389
♪ I've never really had a plan
1505
01:30:01,440 --> 01:30:05,638
♪ I've just been taken
wherever the wind, it has blown me
1506
01:30:07,880 --> 01:30:10,076
♪ She has blown me
1507
01:30:11,880 --> 01:30:17,239
♪ Mau-reen's blown me! ♪
1508
01:30:22,000 --> 01:30:23,593
Thank you, Hammersmith!
1509
01:30:33,440 --> 01:30:34,430
Dear Auntie Val,
1510
01:30:34,520 --> 01:30:36,431
thank you for the invite
to your upcoming wedding,
1511
01:30:36,600 --> 01:30:39,114
which I'm afraid I'm going to
have to respectfully decline.
1512
01:30:39,440 --> 01:30:41,716
The truth is,
since Uncle Harvey's passing,
1513
01:30:41,800 --> 01:30:44,553
many difficult memories
have come flooding back.
1514
01:30:45,160 --> 01:30:47,800
Perhaps none more pronounced
than a particular morning
1515
01:30:48,560 --> 01:30:49,550
in early April.
1516
01:30:50,760 --> 01:30:52,910
Ah, Benjamin. There you are!
1517
01:30:55,840 --> 01:30:58,150
I was wondering when
you were going to join us.
1518
01:30:58,360 --> 01:30:59,555
Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise.
1519
01:30:59,720 --> 01:31:01,518
Well, we've already established,
haven't we,
1520
01:31:01,600 --> 01:31:03,034
that there are certain individuals
1521
01:31:03,120 --> 01:31:05,999
who prefer to live life
at a more laggardly pace.
1522
01:31:06,080 --> 01:31:07,070
No, I'm just...
1523
01:31:07,160 --> 01:31:08,719
Snoozy and shiftless.
1524
01:31:08,880 --> 01:31:13,078
Forever regrouting the bathroom tiles
with their own ready-mixed paste.
1525
01:31:17,360 --> 01:31:18,350
I'm sorry?
1526
01:31:18,480 --> 01:31:20,391
Never mind, never mind.
1527
01:31:20,480 --> 01:31:22,630
It's just that what with it
being a Saturday, I thought...
1528
01:31:22,720 --> 01:31:25,758
As you're here, I was hoping you could
help me with a rather delicate problem.
1529
01:31:25,920 --> 01:31:28,833
As someone who comes
into regular contact with toad slime,
1530
01:31:28,920 --> 01:31:31,673
I seem to have developed
a neurogenic bladder.
1531
01:31:31,760 --> 01:31:32,750
I see.
1532
01:31:32,840 --> 01:31:35,832
And sadly that means I've been denied
the life-giving consumption
1533
01:31:36,000 --> 01:31:39,834
of the perfect blend of metabolites
particular to one's own water.
1534
01:31:39,920 --> 01:31:42,753
Right, so you're upset because
you can't drink your own piss.
1535
01:31:42,880 --> 01:31:43,870
Precisely.
1536
01:31:44,480 --> 01:31:46,073
If you'd care to position the jug.
1537
01:31:46,360 --> 01:31:48,829
Well, can't Auntie Val
hold the jug for you?
1538
01:31:58,440 --> 01:31:59,430
What do you mean?
1539
01:31:59,520 --> 01:32:01,716
I must be in a state
of complete relaxation
1540
01:32:01,800 --> 01:32:03,359
if the treatment is to work.
1541
01:32:03,480 --> 01:32:04,993
It's the only sure-fire way.
1542
01:32:10,480 --> 01:32:16,556
♪ There's an old mill by the stream
Nelly Dean
1543
01:32:20,880 --> 01:32:26,910
♪ Where we used to sit and dream
Nelly Dean
1544
01:32:28,000 --> 01:32:30,435
Is he actually gonna do anything
or am I gonna stand here like...
1545
01:32:30,520 --> 01:32:33,876
♪ And the waters as they flow
1546
01:32:34,000 --> 01:32:37,231
♪ Seem to murmur soft and low
1547
01:32:38,320 --> 01:32:42,518
♪ My sweetheart and I love you
Nelly Dean
1548
01:32:42,720 --> 01:32:45,473
♪ Oh, Nelly Dean! ♪
1549
01:32:45,560 --> 01:32:47,471
Stop it! Stop it!
1550
01:32:48,440 --> 01:32:49,999
What kind of animals are you?
1551
01:32:50,080 --> 01:32:51,354
How can you live this way?
1552
01:32:51,440 --> 01:32:53,351
You should be ashamed of yourselves!
1553
01:32:53,520 --> 01:32:55,830
I'm sorry, Auntie Val,
but it needs saying. I can't just...
1554
01:32:55,920 --> 01:32:57,797
- Ooh!
- What's the matter? What is it?
1555
01:32:57,920 --> 01:33:01,390
I'm afraid, Benjamin, you've triggered
your Auntie Val's fractious bowel.
1556
01:33:04,280 --> 01:33:07,477
It's a condition which afflicts her
in moments of extreme distress.
1557
01:33:07,560 --> 01:33:08,959
Well, isn't there anything we can do?
1558
01:33:09,040 --> 01:33:10,917
It starts with a psychogenic seizure.
1559
01:33:11,085 --> 01:33:11,990
Ugh...
1560
01:33:12,680 --> 01:33:14,796
An involuntary spasming
of the muscles...
1561
01:33:15,427 --> 01:33:16,185
God!
1562
01:33:16,760 --> 01:33:22,756
And leads all too quickly, I'm afraid,
to a violent spasticity of the colon!
1563
01:33:35,160 --> 01:33:36,389
And there it is...
1564
01:33:36,600 --> 01:33:38,238
What is it, Benjamin? What's the matter?
1565
01:33:38,320 --> 01:33:39,833
- I think it's my ripeophobia.
- Ripeo...
1566
01:33:39,920 --> 01:33:41,479
I'm sorry, Uncle Harvey,
I didn't tell you.
1567
01:33:41,560 --> 01:33:43,631
It's a spontaneous reaction
to another's defecation.
1568
01:33:43,840 --> 01:33:45,319
Well, really, Benjamin, I don't...
1569
01:34:04,800 --> 01:34:06,757
Oh, no, God help us!
1570
01:34:06,960 --> 01:34:07,950
What is it, what's wrong?
1571
01:34:08,040 --> 01:34:09,633
It's your Uncle Harvey's immetaphilia.
1572
01:34:09,720 --> 01:34:10,710
Immetaphilia?
1573
01:34:10,800 --> 01:34:12,916
A violent and uncontrollable
sexual arousal
1574
01:34:13,040 --> 01:34:16,510
in the face of another person's vomit.
1575
01:34:16,600 --> 01:34:17,590
Oh, God!
1576
01:34:20,800 --> 01:34:24,031
Forgive me, Benjamin,
I know not what I do!
1577
01:34:25,600 --> 01:34:27,113
I only came down for a crumpet.
1578
01:34:34,880 --> 01:34:40,159
Welcome back, ladies and gentle...
Well, this has been such fun, hasn't it?
1579
01:34:40,240 --> 01:34:44,234
But I think we've got time for one last
insightful question
1580
01:34:44,480 --> 01:34:46,630
before our time together is through.
1581
01:34:46,760 --> 01:34:49,798
So fingers crossed,
let's hope it's a good one.
1582
01:34:52,120 --> 01:34:53,110
I've loved this.
1583
01:34:55,120 --> 01:34:59,318
So this is from Kath in row K.
1584
01:35:00,840 --> 01:35:01,830
"Dear Bernice,"
1585
01:35:02,280 --> 01:35:04,396
"I have been bothered for some time"
1586
01:35:04,560 --> 01:35:08,599
"about an incident that took place
in 1970"
1587
01:35:09,200 --> 01:35:11,157
"at a close friend's party."
1588
01:35:11,880 --> 01:35:16,670
"Her grandfather who was 93
and wheelchair-bound"
1589
01:35:16,960 --> 01:35:20,555
"brushed his blanket against me,
touching my bottom."
1590
01:35:23,000 --> 01:35:28,234
"I still feel violated and am not sure
how best to find closure."
1591
01:35:28,680 --> 01:35:30,273
"Please can you help?"
1592
01:35:31,240 --> 01:35:34,676
Is that all you've had to worry about
in 50 fucking years?
1593
01:35:34,800 --> 01:35:37,872
An old man accidentally touching you
with a blanket?
1594
01:35:38,200 --> 01:35:42,194
Probably the stiffest thing about him
was the valve on his catheter bag!
1595
01:35:42,520 --> 01:35:44,511
It's like this fucking MeToo business.
1596
01:35:45,000 --> 01:35:46,274
What do you think's gonna happen
1597
01:35:46,360 --> 01:35:48,317
if you get in a bath with them
with no clothes on?
1598
01:35:48,520 --> 01:35:49,510
Excuse me!
1599
01:35:50,120 --> 01:35:51,110
Eh?
1600
01:35:51,200 --> 01:35:52,793
I don't believe these are real problems.
1601
01:35:52,880 --> 01:35:54,109
Hang on, hang on!
1602
01:35:54,360 --> 01:35:57,478
If you've got something to say,
you can say it to my face.
1603
01:35:57,640 --> 01:35:58,630
I'm coming out there!
1604
01:36:05,920 --> 01:36:06,910
Now what do you want?
1605
01:36:07,760 --> 01:36:09,159
I don't believe these are real problems.
1606
01:36:09,640 --> 01:36:10,835
I think you've pre-scripted them,
1607
01:36:10,920 --> 01:36:12,752
so it's an excuse to present
your out-dated views.
1608
01:36:12,920 --> 01:36:14,433
Really? Carry on.
1609
01:36:14,760 --> 01:36:16,910
Yeah, well, it might have been all right
20 years ago,
1610
01:36:17,000 --> 01:36:19,435
pretending to mock right wing values
when actually you agree with them.
1611
01:36:19,520 --> 01:36:20,919
But things have changed.
1612
01:36:22,040 --> 01:36:23,030
Thank you.
1613
01:36:27,360 --> 01:36:29,351
Now, I think you'll find...
1614
01:36:29,480 --> 01:36:30,959
Fucking piece of shit!
1615
01:36:38,240 --> 01:36:40,117
A word of advice, ladies and gentlemen,
1616
01:36:40,200 --> 01:36:44,159
if you don't agree with something,
shoot it in the chest with a crossbow.
1617
01:36:45,640 --> 01:36:49,474
Do join me next time when
we will be debating who's allowed to go
1618
01:36:49,600 --> 01:36:54,037
into which toilet, whilst western
society burns down all around us.
1619
01:36:54,120 --> 01:36:55,110
Good night!
1620
01:37:31,520 --> 01:37:32,954
Hello, shop?
1621
01:37:34,400 --> 01:37:38,109
Yes, can I help you at all?
1622
01:37:39,040 --> 01:37:42,670
My name is Tamara March,
and I represent the Conservative Party.
1623
01:37:42,880 --> 01:37:43,870
Fuck off!
1624
01:37:50,880 --> 01:37:54,839
No, no, please bear with me,
we are a local party for local people.
1625
01:37:56,080 --> 01:37:59,232
A party? Why didn't you say.
I'll make some dips.
1626
01:38:01,920 --> 01:38:05,754
I was hoping you might think of me
the next time you visit the ballot box.
1627
01:38:05,920 --> 01:38:08,639
Oh, well, I normally think
about my husband.
1628
01:38:09,120 --> 01:38:11,236
Or Michael Gove.
1629
01:38:13,880 --> 01:38:17,430
You see, the problem with rural areas
like this is public sector workers,
1630
01:38:17,600 --> 01:38:19,591
police numbers are going down and down.
1631
01:38:19,720 --> 01:38:21,199
We didn't burn them!
1632
01:38:23,040 --> 01:38:25,190
Teachers are drowning
in more and more red tape...
1633
01:38:25,320 --> 01:38:27,072
We didn't drown them!
1634
01:38:27,280 --> 01:38:29,874
And council workers
are being cut every day.
1635
01:38:30,760 --> 01:38:32,034
We did do that.
1636
01:38:32,920 --> 01:38:35,275
Would you like to flick through
my manifesto?
1637
01:38:35,360 --> 01:38:36,919
Oh, Edward, Edward!
1638
01:38:37,080 --> 01:38:38,593
Hello, hello. What's going on?
1639
01:38:38,760 --> 01:38:41,752
What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here!
1640
01:38:47,080 --> 01:38:48,832
She wants to lick my fannymesto.
1641
01:38:48,920 --> 01:38:49,910
No, no!
1642
01:38:51,400 --> 01:38:52,993
I'm here about the election.
1643
01:38:53,720 --> 01:38:54,835
Local election?
1644
01:38:54,920 --> 01:38:56,479
It's a by-election actually.
1645
01:38:56,600 --> 01:38:57,829
Ah, a swinger, eh?
1646
01:39:00,160 --> 01:39:02,231
A toe in both camps.
1647
01:39:02,680 --> 01:39:04,990
Gobbling down every dish on the menu.
1648
01:39:05,080 --> 01:39:06,354
Ommily, ommily, ommily!
1649
01:39:08,280 --> 01:39:10,157
Here, I used to be in a war.
1650
01:39:10,400 --> 01:39:12,596
We had to find our own solutions.
1651
01:39:12,840 --> 01:39:15,036
I made do with a hole in a cabbage,
1652
01:39:15,160 --> 01:39:17,720
but at least I had the decency
to marry her.
1653
01:39:23,040 --> 01:39:24,758
Where do you stand on immigration?
1654
01:39:24,880 --> 01:39:28,396
You must have noted a huge influx
in strangers coming into your shop.
1655
01:39:28,480 --> 01:39:29,470
Young most of them.
1656
01:39:29,560 --> 01:39:32,120
Yes, in gangs of one or two.
1657
01:39:32,240 --> 01:39:35,676
Wanting to browse, wanting to finger
your precious things.
1658
01:39:35,760 --> 01:39:37,398
- Yes.
- They represent change.
1659
01:39:37,520 --> 01:39:38,635
We don't like change!
1660
01:39:38,760 --> 01:39:40,751
We don't even give change!
1661
01:39:42,120 --> 01:39:43,519
Silence, cabbage!
1662
01:39:43,760 --> 01:39:45,910
Come, Tamara March,
1663
01:39:46,040 --> 01:39:50,238
tell me more of these
Conservative Party policies.
1664
01:39:50,320 --> 01:39:54,632
Certainly, and I'll show you
how to hold an election.
1665
01:39:57,320 --> 01:40:00,836
Edward! No, don't leave me. Please!
1666
01:40:11,120 --> 01:40:13,475
♪ Edward, can you hear me?
1667
01:40:14,120 --> 01:40:16,430
♪ I saw you in my dream ♪
1668
01:40:17,720 --> 01:40:21,190
Edward, don't forsake me.
1669
01:40:23,000 --> 01:40:24,991
He's not coming, is he?
1670
01:40:25,600 --> 01:40:27,750
Tubbs... Is that you?
1671
01:40:28,000 --> 01:40:29,877
Edward!
1672
01:40:33,880 --> 01:40:35,109
How did you find me?
1673
01:40:35,240 --> 01:40:37,629
I tracked you with blue dot!
1674
01:40:37,760 --> 01:40:40,036
- The tefolone!
- Exactly!
1675
01:40:40,280 --> 01:40:42,556
Now, quickly, Tubbs,
we haven't much time.
1676
01:40:42,720 --> 01:40:47,271
I've rigged this entire wife mine
to explode in less than a minute.
1677
01:40:47,760 --> 01:40:50,400
But, Edward, what about the other wives?
1678
01:40:50,600 --> 01:40:52,398
There's hundreds of us down here.
1679
01:40:52,520 --> 01:40:53,794
I won't leave them.
1680
01:40:53,920 --> 01:40:56,912
It's all right, Tubbs.
There's someone here to help us.
1681
01:40:57,160 --> 01:40:59,436
But who is he? What does he do?
1682
01:40:59,520 --> 01:41:01,796
He can tell you himself.
1683
01:41:08,200 --> 01:41:10,999
I've got fingers in lots of pies.
1684
01:41:11,920 --> 01:41:13,991
They're just not my fingers.
1685
01:41:14,880 --> 01:41:17,030
Come on, hurry up. I've loaded
the rest of the ingredients...
1686
01:41:17,120 --> 01:41:19,430
Er, the ladies into the van.
1687
01:41:20,520 --> 01:41:22,193
You will take care of them, won't you?
1688
01:41:22,320 --> 01:41:24,072
Oh, yes, I'll take, uh,
1689
01:41:24,880 --> 01:41:26,393
special care of them.
1690
01:41:28,360 --> 01:41:29,839
Not so fast!
1691
01:41:30,160 --> 01:41:34,438
You can't take property
that isn't belonging to you.
1692
01:41:35,040 --> 01:41:36,792
Come to Papa, Dave.
1693
01:41:37,160 --> 01:41:39,197
You know you want to.
1694
01:41:39,440 --> 01:41:40,430
Edward?
1695
01:41:40,520 --> 01:41:44,514
I'm sorry, Mr Lazarou.
She's my wife now!
1696
01:41:48,680 --> 01:41:50,637
Oh, shit!
130887
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