All language subtitles for Kissing.A.Fool.1998.1080p.BluRay.x264.AAC5.1-[YTS.MX]

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PRIEST: And now
by the virtue

of the authority vested
in me by the laws
of the state of Illinois,

I pronounce
that you are
husband and wife.

May your days
be long together

and the joys
ever increasing.

Kiss the bride.

(WEDDING RECESSIONAL PLAYING)

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOUTHING)

Hey, there.
Hi, there. Hello.

(CHUCKLES)
Come here often?

Yeah.

Hi, how you doing?
Pretty good.

Mmm-hmm.

This is my place here.

Super.

Mmm-hmm.
Impressive, isn't it?

Phew.

I introduced
the bride and groom.
Did you know that?

Nope.
Oh?

Would you like
to hear the story?

Sure, yeah.

(SIGHING)

Just get me a scotch.
I think that'd be best.

Hey, Linda, what's up?

Hi, how are you?

Good, good.
How are you?
Fine.

Look at you.
You look great.

Not as good as you.

Oh, well, I showered.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Table four.
I got the caterer
to switch me.

We're gonna be
sitting together.

Oh, good,
we can catch up.

Absolutely.
How you been?

Good. Good.

This is a great house
you have here.

Oh, thanks, thanks.

Real nice of you
to let the kids have it
for the affair.

Absolutely. Yeah.

Guess they couldn't spring
for a band though, huh?

Do I know you?

No, I'm crashing.

Whose wedding
is this anyway?

(LAUGHING)
Kidding, kidding.

I'm laughing.
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

No, I'm here
with Vicki Pelam.

She went to Northwestern
with the bride.

We're getting married
next Christmas.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you, thank you.

Don't know where
we're gonna have
the ceremony yet,

but, gotta tell you,
it's a great house.
Great, great house.

Hi, honey.
Oh, hi, honey.

Honey, this is Linda.
This is her house.

Really?
Yeah.

Oh, my God, Lynn.
How did they
land your house?

I mean,
are you like family
or friend or what?

Oh, I introduced
the bride and groom.

You know the whole story.

Oh, my God,
I've been dying
to hear about this.

CLIFF: That's true.
She called the bride
10 times.

Hasn't gotten
one call back.

I'm sure.
Yeah.

But, Lynn,
tell us the story.

Mmm, I don't know.
You don't know it?

She doesn't know it.
Oh, no. I know it.

She doesn't know it.
I know the whole thing.

You don't know it.
Oh, I know it.

I'm responsible for it.

Well, then tell us
for Christ's sake.

Yeah, come on, Lynn.
Tell us the story.

Well, I'm the hostess.
I got a lot of people
to see, things to do.

How long could it take?
Come on.
No, I really can't.

What, five minutes?

It's only five minutes.
Mmm, all right.

Fill this up, will you?
(CLICKS TONGUE)

Well, Max and Jay
have been friends
since birth.

Now I come into the picture.

To put it modestly,
I discovered Jay.

Really?

I decided that our
house would release
his first book,

even though every publisher
in town had passed.

Well, you could
imagine how happy
he was about this.

I'm very happy about this.

Okay.

I had the perfect editor
for him. A young,
fast-rising talent.

Sam.

Samantha Andrews,
Jay Murphy.

Sam, Jay. Jay, Sam.

It's very nice
to meet you.
Hi. You, too.

LINDA: I knew her style was
the perfect match for his.

Of course, I was concerned
about a possible romance
between them,

and how it might
affect the book,

but my fears
quickly subsided,

because Jay was clearly not
in the right frame of mind
to be looking for romance.

(BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)

Is anyone sitting here?

I don't care.

The first thing he thought of
regarding Sam and romance
was Max.

What up, Chicago?

This is Max Abbitt
reporting live
at Wrigley Field.

How am I doing?
How do I look?

Great. You look great.

You know,
I'm not wearing
any underwear.

Huh?

Hey, Abbitt,
who was that girl
who was with you

last night at
the Mambo Room?

Keep your glove
off her, Sosa.

(CHUCKLING)

You...

What?

Well, who the
fuck was she?

What, are we married?

Obviously Max was not
having any problem
finding women on his own.

But Jay didn't approve
of any of them,

and he was convinced
that he knew exactly
what Max needed.

I thought we agreed
not to set each
other up anymore.

No, I agreed
not to let you
set me up anymore

after that girl
who you said was
perfect for me

tied me up
and came out with
that hood and cane

and offered to beat
the shit out of me.

You didn't like Xena?

No, I didn't like Xena.

I also agreed that I was
gonna help put an end to
your hedonistic lifestyle.

I know what
that means, okay?

I mean, Max,
you don't wanna become
that 40-year-old guy

who's still out
at the clubs

with the silk shirt
and gold chains

trying to pick up
on college girls,
do you?

Of course not, Jay.
At 40, I wanna
be the bald guy

with the ponytail
and a Harley

trying to pick up
high school girls.

You're an idiot.

You're the one
in therapy.

You're the one
who should be.

Maybe you can
get me in.

I always wanted to pay
100 bucks an hour

to talk myself out
of being happy.

Why are we meeting
in the zoo anyway?

It's a good environment.

Show her you're
the kind of guy
who likes animals.

Oh, you know what?
Don't worry about
my appearance, okay?

Worry about hers.
Trust me, Max, okay?

I don't have to
worry about hers.

What, the Queen
of England is perfect?

She's not from England.

I thought she was.
No, you didn't.

It's just that England's
the only country in Europe
you know of.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Besides, you know,
she's been here so long...
WOMAN: What up, Max?

What up? Yeah.

She's been here so long,
she's basically
been Americanized.

Really?

You Americanize her?

What?

You know, bang her?

Why would I set you up
with some girl
that I banged?

Share the wealth, brother.

You know?
I banged Xena.

I liked the hood
and the cape.
That's me.

My question to you is,
what is wrong with her?

If this girl
is so great,

why haven't you
banged her yet, Jay?

Neanderthal,
she's my editor.

My book is about
my ex-girlfriend.

She knows every
intimate detail.

So?

Besides, I'm in
a mourning period.

I can't even think
about another woman.

See? You say shit
like that to me,

it makes me
seriously question
your orientation.

What, you've never been
in a mourning period

where you just
didn't wanna have sex?

No.

You know what?
Maybe this isn't
gonna work.

God, lighten up.

You've been away
writing a little book
in Europe for six months.

Look at me, huh?
I've changed.

I'm mature now.

Yeah, I can see that.
Lose the toothpick.

What?

Lose the toothpick.
It looks ridiculous.

First of all,
this is not a toothpick,
okay, Mr. Ignorant?

This is an Australian
chewing stick.

Ah.
Yeah.

See, college boy?
I know other
countries in Europe.

Yeah, I'm sure you do.
Just lose it. It's not her.

No, it's not her.
It's me, Jay.

That's why it's in my mouth.

Shut up.
Here she comes.

(INAUDIBLE)

Hold this.

Hi.
Sam, Max.
Max, Sam.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

You like Italian food?
A nice chicken parmesan?

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Who is it?

Who is it?

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

I'm coming.
Jesus, who is it?

MAX: Open the fucking door.

How could you?

How could I what?
What time is it?

It's 6:30.

In the morning?
What are you doing here?

What was this, huh?

A setup to, what,
humiliate me?

What are you
talking about?

I have a reputation
in this town, Jay.

And you set me up
with this animal?

Animal? It didn't go well?

No, it didn't go well.

For future reference,
when you list
someone's credentials,

and you say
they're beautiful,
smart and funny,

here's an idea,
don't forget to mention
psychotic fucking drunk.

She got drunk?

It was like a scene
out of Barfly.

The bride drinks?

Like a fish!

I never saw her drink.

Oh, you never
saw her drink.

I took her to Ambria, right?

Only the best
restaurant in Chicago.

Usually, it takes two
weeks to get in there,
but they know me.

Christ, it's gonna
take a fucking month
to get back in there now.

And she got drunk?

Jay, she got hammered.

Waiter. Hey, hey, hey!
Another scotch.

Pronto!

(STAMMERS)
I don't believe this.

MAX: Yeah, well,
believe it.

This girl is nuts.
First she's laughing.

Then she's crying.

(CRYING) There was
my fish and there
was my kitty-cat

and there was my dog.

They're all dead.

Then she's
screaming like a maniac
at the top of her lungs.

(SCREAMING)

Check, please.

JAY: Maybe she was
just nervous.

In some bizarre circles,
you are a celebrity.

First of all,
she didn't even
know who I was.

What the fuck is that about?

And second of all,
she said she drinks
like this every night.

I feel terrible.

You should feel terrible.

People recognized me, Jay.

Jay, there were cameras.

(GRUNTS)

This is a nightmare.
What can I do?

Very little.

I mean, there is
very little you can do
at this point.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

You got a girl
coming over?

At 6:30 in the morning?

Yeah.

Holy shit! It's Sam.

What?
What the hell
is she doing here?

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)
Uh, one second.

I have no idea,
but if I were you,

I'd call Cook County
and have them rush over
with a straightjacket.

What should I do?

You know what?
Let me handle this.
I want a word with...

Shh! Shut up!

I wanna talk to her.

You know what? Closet.

What? I'm not
going in the closet.

Max, I have a professional
relationship here, all right?

Let me get rid of her.

One second!
I can't get in the closet.

Max, get in the closet!

Leave it open a crack.
I'm claustrophobic.

Okay, okay.
Uh, coming!

Hi.
Hi.

I know it's early,
but can I come in please?

Sure. Yeah.

Thanks.

Sam, are you okay?

No, Jay, I'm not.

I know we don't know
each other that well,

but I thought we had
a mutual respect
for each other.

As did I.

So how could you
do this to me?

Sam, do you have
a drinking problem?

What?

Max told me
about last night.

Oh, he did.
Yes, and it's okay.

What's "okay"?

To be rude and crude?

To act disgusting like that
in a public place?

If you were drunk
and are willing
to get help, it is.

Not me!

Your animal friend!

Do you know
where he took me?

Uh, Ambria, I believe.

Hardly.
Try the Crazy Horse.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(MEN WHOOPING AND WHISTLING)

Cheyenne, what up? Hey!

Hey! Hey!
What up?

What up?
Hey, hey, hey!

Hey.

Hey, what... Come here!
Hey, good to see you.

Oh, hello.
How are you?

Everyone, girls,
I want you to say hi
to my friend, Sam.

Sam, say hi
to the girls.

GIRLS: Hi.

JAY: Say hi.

Then finally,
when the night was over,

this guy,
he actually thought
it had gone well.

Hi.

You ever have sex
in a Mercedes?

Convertible?

He said that?

Twice.

Did I mention
this is a convertible?

Huh?

What a dick!

I didn't say that!

How could you
believe her?

What the hell
is he doing here?

What am I doing...
What are you doing here?

Isn't there a liquor store
you should be knocking off
right about now?

How can you
take her side?

I'm not taking any sides.
I think you are.

No, it's just that
her story sounds
a little more like you

than your story
sounds like her.

Really? You know her,
what, two weeks?

You know me
your whole life.

Since we're babies,
you know me.

I'm gonna take her
to a strip club?

It's wonderful to see
that chivalry is not dead.

Yeah? Fuck chivalry.
How about some loyalty?

I don't know what
is going on here.

But something
obviously happened.
Something bad.

Why don't you just
forget about it
and apologize?

I guarantee you'll never
have to deal with
the other one again.

I'm not apologizing to her.

I'm not apologizing to him.

Max, just apologize, okay?

All right, because
I am your true friend,
I will apologize, okay?

Are you gonna
apologize now?
If you do.

Fine. Then I am sorry.

Fine. Then I am, too.

Great. Okay? What?
Anything else?

You want us to shake?
Why don't we kiss?

Okay, with or without tongue?

Your call.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, man.
You should've
seen your face.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry, Jay.
It was Maxie's idea.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
"Maxie"?

It's a pet name.
I like it.

You know each other
less than 24 hours.
You have pet names?

I told you
he'd put me
in the closet.

It was unbelievable.

It was perfect.
We went home
and changed.

Wow, you guys really
overplotted this thing,
didn't you?

Ah! Oh!
I thought I'd die.

What happened?
I don't get it.

Well... You tell him.

They were acting.
You know, role-playing?

Oh, like when
we do that thing
with the pigs...

Exactly.

(LAUGHING)

I have to get some sleep.

Oh, no. Come on.
Let's go get breakfast.

No, I can't. I have
to get some sleep.
Come on.

All right,
I'll call you
from the station.

I'll watch your report.

Yeah? I'll wave.

I'll watch you wave.

Okay, enough already.
Okay?

I'm meeting Linda
tomorrow morning.

Okay.

I think.

Bye. I gotta go.

Bye.

Bye.

I miss you.

What?

Hmm. So what did
you kids talk about?

To be honest,
I don't even know.

I mean, we have
nothing in common.

I mean, nothing.

I mean,
she hates sports.
I hate books.

She's lived
all over the world.

The only time I've been
out of the country is when
the Cubs played in Tijuana.

I think I love her.

They were engaged
two weeks later.

(SHUTTER CLICKING)

Spontaneity is so romantic.

Yeah, it is.

Is she pregnant?

I don't think so. Why?

Hey! Hey,
you know something?

LINDA: It was that quick.
Jay and Sam got to work,

and Max and Sam
got to play.

This was the girl for him
and he was going
to stick to it.

Suddenly,
he's a one-woman man.

He tells Dara.
You?

You're getting married?

Mmm-hmm.

I give it a month.

Okay.

Then he told the rest
of the girls in Chicago.

What up, Chicago?

Not a good day for the
ball clubs as the Cubs
and the Sox both lose.

But on a lighter note,
I'm getting married.

(ALL GASPING)

Oh, there she is.

Everyone who knew
him was shocked,

but no one was more
shocked than Jay.

This is like a real,
live documented case
of love at first sight.

Don't you understand?

I can't believe
I'm having him
move in already.

Well, the getting married
thing might have
sped up that process.

Do you think
we're rushing?

I don't know.
It's not really my call.

This is so not like me.

Yeah, it seems
nobody is themselves.

My parents
think I'm crazy.

So does your cousin. Hi.

Jay, this is
my little cousin,
Andrea.

I like Dre.

Listen, Jay,
I know I'm not
supposed to ask this,

but Sam's been raving
so much about your book,

I was wondering
if I could read it.

I told you
it's not finished.

No, it's okay.
I would love to hear
what you think.

Thanks. I'm really into
stories about heartbreak.

Good. You should
get a real kick
out of this one then.

(HORN HONKING)

Hi, honey!

Hi!

Yeah. Traded in the Benz.

Whoo-hoo. What up?

First time living
with a woman.

A little nervous,
yet excited.

Think fast, Shakespeare.

MAX: Hey!
SAM: Hi.

Come here. Hi.

Hi.

Hey, Squirt,
why don't you give me
a hand with my stuff?

First of all,
don't call me Squirt.

And second of all,
'cause I don't want to.

(IMITATING)
"'Cause I don't want to."
How long is she here for?

Till Labor Day.
Get used to it.

Uh-huh. Okay.

See ya.

Ooh.
Where you going?

Movies.
Don't have her
home too late.

It's 12:00 noon.

Bye, Jay!

Hey, I'd like
a goodbye, you brat.

I'm in tight
with the family,
you know?

Yeah, I can
see that. Yeah.

I can also see
the U-Haul.

But what I can't see
are movers.

What is that?

John Madden,
sportscaster.

And why would someone
want him in their house?

I couldn't answer that,
but where is the man
who could?

What, is he taking
a nap already?

No, he's on the phone.

Then I'm taking a break.

Here. I brought you
a cold beer.

Thanks.

This is a great album.
Do you mind
if I look at it?

Sure, go ahead.

I brought it back
from Florence.

I love Florence.

I lived there.
That's where
I wrote the book.

Yeah, it was this shop with
this tiny little entrance,

and you had to duck
under these giant
horrific lion heads?

I know that place.
Are you serious?

I'm serious.

The gelati place
right across the street.

Oh, my God,
with the 10,000 flavors?

It was the Baskin-Robbins
of Italy.

God, what the hell
was that place called?

It was like Al...
ll...

Al... Al...
ll... ll...

ll... Might have been ll.

What are you guys doing?

Al Gelati.
Al Gelati. Right!

Right. God!
Is that all
it was called?

I don't know. I think
I had more of a romantic
recollection myself.

Hey, I'm not
gonna use this.
You want it?

Uh, no.

The Bulls.

No, that's all right.
I got it.

(MUMBLING)

Hey.
Hey.

We're just talking
about Florence.

Ah, Florence.

You've been there?

Uh, no, never.
What's that?

That's my family.

Oh, yeah?
Let me see.

Hey, are these the 'rents?

The what?
Parents.

That's my parents.

Yeah. So...

You approve?
I do. I do.

Although I probably
should've seen these
before I moved in.

You know, check out
the gene line.

Oh, sorry.
What is that, a mole
on your mother's face?

That's not a mole.
It's on the film.

I'm kidding.
They pass. They pass.

SAM: Hey, Max,
would you go
to Italy with me?

I'd go anywhere
with you, baby.

But just so you know,
they got great pizza
right here in Chicago.

Right, Jay?

Oh, yeah, great pizza
in Chicago.

What?

SAM: What about this one?

No.

That's nice.
What about this one?

Nope.

Ah, that's so pretty.
What about this one?

Mmm? Oh, oh, oh! No.

Honey! We've been through
dozens of magazines,

and you can't find
anything that you like.

I just want the perfect
dress for you, baby.
That's all.

I'm allowed to
pick out my own gown.

No, no...
Whoa! Oh!

Hold everything.
No, you won't,
'cause I think I found it.

You found one?

No, no,
I found the one.

Are you ready?
Yeah.

MAX: Yeah.

SAM: Max, this bride
looks like she's dead.

She's supposed
to look dead.
It's heroin chic.

It's the latest rage.

Honey, I don't wanna
look like a dope addict
at my wedding.

I'm just talking
about the dress,
not the corpse.

Let me see.
What?

SAM: What kind
of a pose is that?

MAX: That's a guy.

Oh, God.
This is so, so ugly.

Forty pounds
and 16 years...

Let me see.
No.

Let me see.
Come on. Why?
MAX: No.

Because it will
upset you.

Max, I've seen
the heroin look.
It's not gonna upset me.

Please, let go
of the magazine.

Yeah, yeah.
Let go.

What are you doing?
Let go of the magazine.

No. Let go.

Give me the magazine.
You're ripping it.

Just give me the magazine.
You're ripping it.

I don't care.
Give it to me.

What's the matter?

That's his ex,
Natasha.

Shit.

Jay!

Jay!

Jay, are you okay?

Jay.

She said she was
gonna be a model.

She's a fucking model,
isn't she?

Okay, okay, this is just
a temporary setback, okay?

I mean, look at Sam and me.
I mean, the same thing
is gonna happen to you.

Any day now,
when you least expect it,

some incredible girl,
some beautiful woman,

is gonna just come along
and blow Natasha
right out of your mind.

Like who?
My cleaning lady, Gladys?

I thought she left you.

She did leave me,
okay? All women do.

Thank you
for replaying that.

Okay, okay, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about that. Okay.

Okay, not only
will I get you
another cleaning lady...

Listen to me. You are
a successful writer.

Any day, your confidence
is gonna come shooting back,

and then you'll start
letting yourself
be available again.

I need to call her.

No. No.

You need to forget her.

What you need to do is
remember that she treated
you like a piece shit.

Don't start with me.

She did, okay?

She was unsupportive.
She was a liar. Jay,
she was a fucking whore.

How many times
did she cheat on you?

Look, Max,
you didn't know her
like I knew her, okay?

So you can't
possibly understand.

Now I know
in this little three-week
Love Boat episode of yours,

you think you've
come to understand
what love is.

But you know what?
I don't know
that you have.

First of all,
I resent that, okay?

And second of all,
if love, if love takes
my best friend

and turns him into
a miserable piece
of crap for a year,

then you're right,
I don't know what it is
and I don't want to.

Okay, don't. Jay,
what are you doing?
Don't call her, Jay!

So Jay is just like this
really supersensitive guy?

Oh, yeah.
He was devastated
by this girl.

That is so romantic.
I know.

Except she was a whore.

Well, I don't know
if I'd go that far.

Love had blinded him.
Exactly.

Except she was a whore.
Right, Linda?

Anyway, Jay was
real depressed,

and seeing Max and Sam
together made him feel
even more alone.

And obviously
Max's little pep talk
didn't work,

'cause he went home,
drank some whiskey,
threw on an Air Supply CD

and called Natasha's parents
for her number in Paris.

(RINGING)

(GREETING IN FRENCH)

Tash?

NATASHA:
What do you want, Jay?

You speak French now?

(SIGHS)
I do live in France.

You've been there
three months.

Jay, why are you
calling me?

I just wanted
to talk, you know.
I have a book deal.

Is someone there?

Yes, Jay. Actually,
two other people.

Don't you know?
That's all us models do,

is get coked up
and have orgies.

(EXHALES)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

What?

What, "What"?

What's with the look?

What look?

You just gave me a look,
like I did something wrong
by smiling at the girl.

What girl?
I didn't even see you
smiling at anyone.

Come on.
You saw me smile
at the girl.

What, I can't smile
at a girl anymore?

Hey, I don't give a shit
who you smile at, okay?

What's your problem?

I don't have a problem.

I don't have a problem.

What up, Tony?

What up, Max?

Were you ever
attracted to other women
when you were with Hitler?

I'm sorry. Natasha.

Is that what
this is about?

Look, I've never done this
relationship thing before.
You gotta help me out here.

You said so last night.
I don't know what
the fuck I'm doing.

I don't know
what I can do
and what I can't do.

Max, laws of a civilized
society still apply.

It's fine to look
as long as you don't act.

So I can look?

Yeah.

I can look.
I can smile.

I just can't act, right?

What about detailed
fantasy-type shit?

(DRUMS BEATING)

(CHEERING)

It's natural to be attracted
to other people physically.
Everyone is.

What are you saying?
Sam is attracted
to other people?

As great as you think
you are, yeah,
I think she probably is.

Who?

Who what?

Who is she attracted to?

What? Hey,
don't leave me
hanging here.

Max, I got work to do.
I'll call you later.

Are you kidding me?

Tell me, what...
Hey. Hey!

Hey, who's she
attracted to?

Hi.
Hey.

You know, I know
it's not my business,

but I just wanted to
make sure that you were
okay from yesterday.

Oh, yeah, I'm a rock.

Well, if you wanna talk...

Have you just

not been able
to get someone
out of your head?

I mean,
you know it's over,

but I walk around
with this pit
in my stomach,

and everyone tells me
I'll get over it.

All I'm asking is when.

Jay, everyone has
their own time.

But you know what?
I can tell you,
it does happen.

I know it happens.
It happened in college.

I broke up
with my girlfriend, Sarah.
Two days later, I was fine.

Did you love her?

I don't know.

I mean, we were stoned
most of the time.

It's hard to tell
how many emotions were real
and how many were manufactured

just to get the other person
to bring over more pot.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Samantha Andrews.

(MUFFLED)
Is Jay there?

Who's calling?

Jay, please.

It's Max.

Hello?

Don't say my name.
It's me.

I'm working here.

Tonight at the Mill, 8:00.
Okay? Be there.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

(SINGING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Uh, Mr. Abbitt.

What up?

My friend loves you
on the news.
She thinks you are it.

She asked me to come over
and tell you that she is
willing to sleep with you.

No strings attached.

Is that right?

Easy. (LAUGHING)

Yeah.

Hi.

Very tempting,

but how are we
gonna have sex if you
won't even talk to me?

Did we ever talk?

That's a good point.

Mmm.

I hear you went out
with our station's
fair weatherman.

I had to do something
to get your attention.

Yeah, I don't know that
dating Windy Weathers
is a real attention-grabber.

By the way,
I meant to ask you,

does he go by Windy?
Or Wind? Gust?

Are you still
going through with
this marriage thing?

I am.

And you're comfortable
with this?

Mmm-hmm, yeah.
I'm very comfortable.

How you doing?

(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)

Well, my offer
still stands,
you know.

No strings.

Okay, be good.

Hey.
Hey, what up?

Hi, Jay.
MAX: Hey,

do you mind making
this offer to Jay,
huh, for me?

He's still very heartbroken.

What offer?

Bye, Jay.

Oh, Max, you forgot this.

Hmm? Oh, yeah,
you can hold on
to that for me.

What offer?
Hey, what up?

Hey, Max.
Good to see you, man.

Thanks.

Max, what offer?

She offered me sex.
No strings.

Yeah, right.

I'm serious.

She offered you sex,
no strings?

Uh-huh.

My whole life,
I've never had a girl
offer me sex with no strings.

I get the offer
all the time.

Fuck you. Really?

What, you want the offer?
I can get you the offer.

What am I doing here?
What's with the
obscene phone calls?

Stace, can we
get two beers?

All right,
first things first.

I didn't ask you
this morning.

I apologize.
All right?

I just didn't wanna hear
all the pathetic details
before I had my coffee.

Are you okay
from yesterday?

I'm fine.

Good, 'cause I don't
wanna talk about you.
I wanna talk about me.

We spent a year on you
and your heartbreak.

I need a night
on me, Jay.

I'm listening.

Okay, I'm freaking out.

About?

What the fuck
do you think about?

This is all moving
very fast.

You wanted
a shotgun wedding.

Yeah, I was fine with it,
okay, until...

Until the incident
last night.

What incident?

Okay, after you
went home to mope...

I thought we're not
gonna talk about me.

We're not, okay?

But after you
left yesterday
to go mope,

I hopped in the shower,
I grabbed a beer,

and I sat on the couch
for, like, hours,
mapping out my life.

I started thinking
about everything

and how fast
it was all happening,

and I started
to freak out.

And then I heard
Sam calling me.

It wasn't like a yell
or a scream or anything,

it was just this
soft, angelic,
little kind of a whisper,

but it scared
the fuck out of me.

SAM: Max.

MAX: So I go upstairs,
and I'm real nervous, okay?

I don't know why
I'm all clammy and shit.

All these thoughts start
flying through my head,
like, "What am I doing?"

"Who am I?
What is up with the Cubs?"

So I get to the bedroom door,

and I look inside,
and Sam's there.

She is so
unbelievably beautiful.

I mean,
she's perfectly framed
in the window.

You know,
her hair is all rumpled.

And I go over to her.

And I don't know
whether I'd like to
jump her bones or flee.

When she attacks me.

She, like, starts
tearing at my clothes,
clawing my back,

throwing my shoes
out the window.

She threw your shoes
out the window?

She did things to me
I didn't think
were possible.

We're not talking
about cable porn.
This is pure rental.

Okay, Max,
I get the idea.

Good. So after
this sexual triathlon,

we're laying
in the sheets,

sweaty, panting,
and it suddenly hit me.

Max, this is the last woman
you're ever gonna sleep with,

and you, my friend,
are her last man.

(LAUGHING)

That didn't hit you,
maybe before you
gave her the ring?

It didn't hit me.
I mean, I knew it,
but it didn't hit me.

Let me make sure
I understand what
you're saying here.

You're scared
of never sleeping
with another woman.

You're afraid you can't
stop yourself.

I'm not worried
about me, you moron.
I'm worried about her.

You're worried about Sam,
if she's gonna cheat on you?

I'm not the one who
went to an all-girls
Catholic school

till I was 17.

What?

These Catholic schoolgirls
have so much pent-up
sexual energy

from being denied it
as a youth,

that one day,
they just flip out,

lose complete control
of themselves
and their bodies.

How do I know Sam
isn't gonna freak out

and go on
a sexual rampage?

Do you know
some of these countries
she's lived in in Europe

encourage that
type of behavior?

I said something funny.

Where's Sam?

She's gonna come
in here any minute

and, you know,
burst out with some story

how you have
a removable penis
or something, right?

I'm not kidding around.

Then you're an idiot,
and I'm leaving.

All right? I've gotta
get some more pages
to your sex-crazed fiancée.

Sit down. Sit down.
I haven't gotten
to the point yet.

Well, get to it already.

I need a test.

A test?

To see if Sam
will cheat on me.

Jay. Come on, Jay.
I'm serious.

You work together,
you're friends,
you're fairly good-looking.

Goodbye.

Come on. This is
something a guy can
only ask his best friend.

Well, I won't do it.

Then I'll get somebody else.
I'd love for you to do it.

But, hey, this is my future
we're talking about, okay?
I gotta be sure.

Max, are you really
this insecure?

Yes.

Okay, for the sake
of argument,

even though I'm only
"fairly good-looking,"

let's say I agree to this,
and then she goes for it.

Then what?
What do you think, genius?

Then the wedding's off.
She failed the test.
Very simple.

Wow.

What's "wow"?
What is that?

I'm not gonna
sit at home alone
in a dark room

listening to
Barry Manilow records.

Those were not records.
That was a radio special.

Okay.

Hey, I'll get over it.

Just like that?
Just like that.

I wish I had your heart.

It would've saved me
a lot of miserable evenings.

Jay, are you in?

CLIFF: Hold it, hold it.
Hold on, hold on everything.

Jay hit on her
on Max's orders.

Is that what
you're telling me?

You don't know Jay
very well, do you?

No.
No, not well at all.

What did he do?

He got sick.

Yeah. The whole scheme,
preposterous as it sounds,
made him sick.

So why didn't he
just tell Max no?

Oh, very good question.

Bravo. But obviously
you don't know Max
that well either.

BOTH: No.

The answer is,
Jay knew Max would
find someone anyway.

And he felt responsible
for anything
that might happen

being that he had
set them up.

So he got sick?

He got sick.

Couldn't eat.

See, I'd force
something down,
that's what I would do.

I can see that.

He couldn't sleep.

Tonight, a Jerry exclusive.

It's friends who
ask their friends
to hit on their girlfriends.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)

But the worst part is,
he couldn't work.

'Cause every time
he was around Sam,
he became nervous.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Why?

You've just been
extremely jumpy all day.

Oh, no, I haven't.

Actually,

you know what
I'm thinking?

What?

Do you think
we should really meet
as often as we do?

My schedule
only calls for us
to meet once a week.

Yeah, but twice
this week though.
Yesterday and today.

I mean, you know,
next thing you know,

it'll turn into
three times a week.

I'm just thinking,
with this cooped-up
office feel,

is it really
the way to go, Sam.

You know, I almost feel
a shortage of air in here.

How's your breathing?

My breathing is fine.
What do you suggest?

What I'm suggesting is,

maybe we don't even
need to meet, you know,
at all.

We could work out
of the comfort of our
respective spaces,

your office, my home,

and just keep in touch
via phone and fax.

What are you thinking?

You're unhappy
with my work.

You don't like what
I'm doing. You think
I'm hurting your book.

Oh, God, no, Sam.

I can ask Linda
to remove me.
That's not a problem.

No, Sam, I'm sorry.
If that makes you happy.

That's not what
I meant at all.

The work you've
done is amazing.

It's made all
the difference.

Are you sure?

I am positive.

I am so sorry. I...
We'll stay in the office.

And you know what?
We'll meet daily.

Maybe even twice daily.

As long as
I'm not interfering
with your breathing.

Trust me,
it's not you.

MAX: So let's
focus on my eyes.

Hey.

Hey, what are you
doing here?

Hi, Jay.

Um, could you...
Could you give us
a second, please?

Sure.
Thanks.

So, uh, what up, buddy?

Your test, okay.
That's what's up, okay?

It's killing me.
It's affecting my work.

Okay, calm down.

I don't want you having
one of your little
panic attacks in my office.

Sit down. Sit down.
What's up?

Okay, I'm bailing
on this test.

You're gonna have to
call an escort service,

or whatever your
backup plan was,

because I'm not
cut out for this,
okay? That's it.

Why don't you
just look at this
as a situation

that you can use
in your writing.

Max, every time you
want me to do something
that I don't want to do,

you tell me to use it
in my writing.

"Help me move into my house.
It'll be your next book."

Change your tire,
write a trilogy.

You're right.

I may have mentioned
this before, but this time,
no bullshit, okay?

This is your next book.
I'm practically
writing it for you.

All you have to do
is come up with
some kind of title.

Take all the credit.

Max.
"Jay and the..."

Max, have you been
listening to me?

Sam almost quit today.

She thinks I'm uncomfortable
around her now, which I am,
because of your stupid test.

She does?
Yes!

That's perfect.

How is that perfect?
This is my career!

Yeah, right, I know.

She must be thinking that
she's starting to remind you
too much of Natasha.

Excellent.

Hammer that home, okay?

Don't let up on it.
Don't be afraid to use it,
to use the sympathy, okay?

Keep bringing up Italy.
Keep your head down.
Mope a little.

Tell her that
you can't eat.

I can't eat.

Then don't, okay?

Oh, my God.
I give up.

What? No, no, no.
Jay Murphy is no quitter.

What would your dad say?
Huh, huh?

Shit. Do you remember
that book you got me
for my birthday?

What's that title?
The Roach?

La Rochefoucauld.
It's a classic.

Yeah, La Roch...

(MUMBLES)

Anyway, Sam found it.

And?
And she wants
me to read it.

I think she thinks
we're running out
of things to talk about.

So read it then.

Read it?
I can barely lift it.
Here's a little tip.

When you're gonna
get literature
for your close friends,

books on tape, okay?

What am I...
I can't even
talk about this.

I'm on the air
in five minutes.
No blush.

Well, as you can see,
Max wasn't giving up,

and Jay just didn't have
the strength to fight.

This nagging guilt
started coming over him

as to why he had even
set up Sam with Max
in the first place.

Bottom line is,

he decided
he wasn't gonna do it.

You know, he would
keep away from Sam,
except at work,

and tell Max
that he had tried,

and she had
turned him down.

Well, that's when I added
a little fuel to the fire.

I'm pushing up
your deadline six weeks.

Six weeks!

Is there an echo in here?

Linda, it's crazy to rush.

There's a rhythm
to this process.
Yeah!

Well, speed up your rhythm.
I want the two of you together
24/7 for the next month.

Get it done.

JAY: Linda, look,
I appreciate all
you've done for me,

but I will not rush.

I am standing
firm on this.
I won't budge.

You don't budge, Jay,
your book gets
shelved indefinitely.

That means
no one will read it,
not even your mother.

We own it. We won't
give you the rights
to distribute it to her.

Got it? Get it? Good.

Okay, I'm having
my chest waxed.

So, if there's nothing else,
see you both later.

Cruel!
(LAUGHING)

You're very,
very cruel, Linda.

VICKI: How can you laugh?

You were gonna
scrap his book?

Of course, I wasn't.
That was just my strategy.

My feeling is,
great minds work
better under pressure.

And you know what?
I think both of them
thought about it for a moment

and really respected
my decision.

That chain-smoking bitch.

There is no way
we'll finish this book
in a month.

Jay, we can do it.

We can't do it.
No one could do it.

Okay, Stephen King
could do it,
but no one else.

Bobby, give me
another one.

Jay, try to relax.
You wrote an
amazing first draft.

How long did
that take you?

About seven weeks.

So this'll be a snap.

But that was
different, Sam.

That was easy then.
I had so many
feelings to get out.

I kept writing
because I thought
if I got them on paper

that maybe
it would've
been enough.

To get her back?

(SIGHS) Yeah.

Or to make a shitload
of money and stuff it
in her face.

Sam, I can't work today.

Can we just
get out of here,
take a day,

run around the park,
see a museum or something,
just clear our heads?

You got it.

LINDA: So they did.
Despite my threats,

they went and
cleared their heads.

And a day turned
into a week.

(INAUDIBLE)

And a week
turned into two.

JAY: So what's
your most major fault?

SAM: I don't know.
What's yours?

I'm not daring enough.
I always admired
that about Max.

He'll do anything.

Like what?

Like public speaking.

I've always been
afraid of crowds
ever since I was a kid.

You know, in class,
when everyone had
to go around the room

and say their names,
I used to freak out.

They'd go around
in a circle

and by the time
they got to me,
I'd be completely frozen.

Oh, that's so sad.

Well, it wasn't that bad.

It wasn't like I was
the Elephant Man
or anything.

Oh, just a little nervous.

Yeah.

And I just always
wanted to, once,
get up in front of a crowd

and say whatever's
on my mind.

So do it.
Get up in front
of a crowd.

What, now?

Not now.
On Sundays
at the Mill.

There's an open talent night.
You can do it there.

But I don't have a talent.

You can just do
whatever you want.
Say anything.

Are you talking like
stand-up comedy now?

Whatever. I'll go.

I'll laugh no matter
what you say.

Hey, maybe I really
could be funny.

Hey, maybe I'll
really be laughing.

You ever hate your
ex-girlfriend so much

that you wish
she was dead?

Anyone?

No.

You never have?
No.

That's a little hard
to believe, okay?

(GASPING)

Anyone else?

Hello?

Hello!

(AUDIENCE CHUCKLING)
How about something funny?

You mean to tell me that
no single person in here

has ever hated
their ex-girlfriend?

No, you fucking jagoff.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I have.

Thank you.

Me, too, okay?

And it's not that
you're a psycho
or anything.

It's just that
you really, really...

I mean, you really
hate her guts.

Don't be afraid
to hit that drum.

A little enthusiasm
never hurt anyone. Okay.

Come on! I didn't
come to hear about
your dead girlfriend.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I wish I had
my video camera,
'cause...

Stop it. He's trying.

...I'd submit it
to Leno or something.

Folks, we came here
to laugh, didn't we?

Come on!
CROWD: Yeah.

I don't wish my
girlfriend was dead.
I wish you were dead.

Well, I guess
my time is up.

They're giving me
the light.

Whoo.
Whoo!

Well, keep clapping
because I have even
better news for you.

The beautiful girl
sitting back there

with our favorite
sportscaster

is buying drinks
for everyone.

(CROWD CHEERING)

That was exhilarating.

Yeah, yeah?
'Cause you sucked.

I had a couple of laughs.

There was one laugh,
Jay. It was Sam.

I thought
you were great.

It felt great.
They had me pissed.

It was a rush,
like sex.

You remember sex?

Vaguely. Sam,
thanks for the drinks.

Yeah, yeah.
This was great, man.
This was great.

You can keep doing
your shitty comedy,
and we can go bankrupt.

Man, that was
the stupidest shit
I ever heard in my life.

No autograph for you.

And you.

What up?

You suck in the news, man.

(LAUGHING)

(DIAL TONE)

(RINGING)

JAY: Hello?
Hey, you sleeping?

No, I'm on the 18th,
putting.

Sorry. Go back to sleep.

No, I'm serious.
I'm on the 18th, putting.

If I make this, I win.

Shit, I lost.
What's up?

(SIGHS)
I'm very concerned.

Do you realize we're now
down to three weeks
to our deadline?

Aren't you worried
about this?

Not really.
The deadline
will be met.

How?

Well, a certain someone
has been feeling
so energetic lately

that's he been up
late nights working

and I've managed to get
a couple of pages done

based on the changes
we discussed.

Really?
That's great.

When can I read it?

Let's meet during
the day tomorrow

just to go over
a few things,

and then I'll bring
the rest to your house
tomorrow night.

Tell Max we'll
all have dinner.

Oh, great.
All right. Sure.

Sorry I called you so late.

All right,
see you later.

Okay, good night.

MAX: You wanna have sex?

Do you?

Either way.

(PHONE RINGING)

(ANSWERING MACHINE CLICKS)

Hello, you've reached
Samantha Andrews.

I'm away from
my desk right now.

Please leave your
name and number

and I'll call you back
just as soon as I can.

Thank you. Bye-bye.

(MACHINE BEEPS)

Hey, sweetie, it's me.

I'm so sorry.
I gotta cancel
dinner tonight.

I've got a dinner thing
in Detroit.

Hey, hey! You!
What up? Max Abbitt!

Hey, what up?
What up?
What up!

I've gotta do
a dinner thing tonight,

then I've got a thing
on the Sox tomorrow,
Sox Tigers.

Just call me, okay?
I love you, all right?
Just call me.

What up?
Jesus!

(PAGER BEEPING)

(INAUDIBLE)

Hi.

Hi, where've you been?

There's a cab outside.
Where are you going?

Detroit. I gotta do
a thing on the Sox.

Oh, were you planning
on telling me?

Uh, as a matter of fact,
I was.

I left you a message,
but I never got a call back.

Oh. Jay and I
were working out
of the office today.

Oh, you guys have
been working out of
the office a lot lately.

How's it going?

It's going well. Yeah.
Yeah?

Oh, he's such a great guy.
Don't you think?

Yeah.

He's so talented
and sensitive.

Did you notice that?
How talented and yet
how sensitive Jay is?

What do you
think about him?

As far as what?

He's not a bad-looking guy.

Oh, that's so sweet.

You're jealous that
we've been working
together so much lately?

No. No, no.

I'm not jealous.

You're totally misinterpreting
the whole situation here.

I love that you guys spend
so much time together.
You know what I mean?

No, I really don't.

I just wanted to know
if you think Jay is
a good-looking guy.

Okay?
It's no big deal.

Are you taking
a survey?

No. I'm saying,
I think he is.

I wanted to know
what you think.

I'd say he is.

He is?

Where the hell
is this going?

It's not going anywhere,
okay? Calm down.

I'm calm.
You're weird.

(STAMMERS) I'm not weird.
Okay? I'm not weird.

Okay, I'll call you
when I land.

Okay?

Max.

Oh, hey.

What are you doing?
I thought we were
having dinner.

Yeah, I...
God, I was just
gonna call you.

I gotta go to Detroit
to do a thing on the Sox.
Listen.

I'm feeling like tonight
is the night to get the
thing over with, okay?

Max, "the thing"
is already over with.

Whatever. Listen,
do whatever you
have to do tonight.

Okay? 'Cause tomorrow
I have to know that, yes,
I'm going through with this,

and Sam is the woman
I'm spending the rest
of my life with,

or, no,
I'm on my own again.

Okay? Pick me up
tomorrow at the airport?

Why can't you
ever take a cab?

Hello, I'm taking
a cab now.

Pick me up.
5:00, United. Okay?

Oh, by the way,

I...

I put in
a good word for you.

You what?
Yeah.

I just wanted her
to know that you're
a good-looking guy,

you know?

Sensitive and...
All that other crap.

Max, I gotta be
serious with you
for a second, okay?

You're real, real
fucked up.

Why? 'Cause I wanna
make you out to be
as tempting as possible?

Do you want her
to go for me?

Is that what's happening?

Whoa.

Don't mistake
my insecurities

for anything
but what they are,
all right?

I am totally prepared
to marry Sam.

Okay, I'll be at
the Detroit Marriott

if anything major
goes down.

Okay?

What?

Don't you ever
wear a jacket?

All right,
let's go.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Come in. It's open.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey.

Hey.

What's up?

Fine. Nothing.

Listen, does Max have
any psychological

or chemical imbalances
that you know about
that I don't?

I don't know.
Why? What's up?

What do you think
of Max and I?

What do I think?

Do you think we're
right for each other?

No, I don't.

I'm just kidding.
I'm kidding.

I mean, I was looking
for a little outside input.

I'm not really
outside though.

I brought
the new pages.

Oh, great.
You finished it.

Wow.

Did... I'm real sorry
to ask this,

but I don't feel
like working.

Do you mind
if we go out?

What do you wanna do?

(LOUD DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Look at these freaks.
What kind of place is this?

Jay?

Yeah?

Did you ever
say anything
to Max about me?

Like what?

Like you wanted
to ask me out
or something?

Like I wanted to what?

Four shots, vodka.

We had a really strange
conversation earlier.

I think that Max thinks
that we should be together.

We are together.

No, what I mean is,

at the beginning
he used to tell me
all the time

how sweet and
beautiful I am,

and all of a sudden
he's telling me how sweet
and beautiful you are.

Oh, that's just Max
being a good friend.

Here, down a shot with me
and we'll go dance.

Ready?
Yeah.

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(STAMMERING)
Wanna get a drink?

Yeah.
Yeah.

NATASHA: Jay?

Natasha?

What are you doing
in Chicago?

Actually,
I go by Natasia now.

Whoa. You go by what?

Natasia.

With an I instead of an H.

And I'm here doing
a spread for Vogue.

Oh, a spread.
How appropriate.

This is Rudolpho.

Rudolpho?
You're kidding, right?

(IN FRENCH ACCENT)
I'm Claudette.

You are?
My fiancée, Claudette.

Pregnant fiancée,
actually.

It's a nice rock,
isn't it?

Congratulations.

Yeah, well, you know,
my fiancée and I,

we're just gonna
head over and get
a couple shots.

So, uh, maybe we'll
catch you guys later.
Have a good one.

Nothing too strong.
It's not good
for the baby.

Yeah, all right.

Four vodka shots.

Four.

Oh, hey.
Oops. Hello!

Where're we going?
It's almost midnight.

I've been able
to tell time
since I was 11,

but thank you.

Andrea.
What?

Don't fall in love
out there, okay?

It's nothing
but heartbreak.

Little piece of
advice for ya.
Enjoy yourself.

Thanks, Jay.

(LAUGHING)

So, I think
you survived.

Yeah,
I'm still standing,
I'm doing okay.

Now, I know
it's hard to
believe that

after that little
scene back there,

but I've been
doing okay lately.

I need to go lie down.

Why don't you
go upstairs?

I'll just sleep
on the sofa.

Are you sure? Okay.
Yeah, no problem.

Jay?

Yeah?

That girl is not for you.

(SIGHS) I know.

I just keep thinking,
what if I missed out
on the girl who is?

Hey.

Hi.

How're you feeling?

(GROANS)
Like 10 bucks.

I read it.

You did?
What'd you think?

Well, there's
30 new pages.

Yeah, yeah.
I was on a roll.
Is it too much?

No. It's not too much.
It's beautiful.

(CHUCKLING)
It's just that,
all of a sudden,

I can't believe
how you can write

such eloquent
things about her.

Yeah, it helps to have
an active imagination.

That way you can
mold the characters
into whatever you want.

Yeah.

You know that
I hadn't dated
for two years

before you
introduced me to Max?

I didn't
realize that, no.

My whole life
had been my work.

I'd gone through
a heartbreak as well,

but I now understand
it was just my ego,

'cause looking back,
I don't...

I don't think
I really loved him.

But I cried when
I realized that
he didn't love me.

(SIGHS)

So the $64,000-question is,

how do you know
beforehand that you're
with the wrong person

so you can avoid
having them wreak havoc

on a large portion
of your life?

I don't think you
do know until you
meet the right person.

'Cause then you just...
You just...

You just feel something
that you know you've
never felt before.

Are those words
for me, Jay?

Sam, no.
You're misinterpreting
the whole thing.

Am I?

(SOBBING) 'Cause suddenly
she just feels like me.

Wow, this is
really awkward.

Yeah, I guess it is.

I'm gonna go.

SAM: I'm confused.

Well, so am I.

But I don't want
to get hurt again,
Sam, okay?

And now you're
marrying my best friend,
so this is pointless.

(GASPS)

Whoa, sorry.

Andrea!

What a spot, huh?

To be in love with your
best friend's girlfriend.

Fiancée, Cliff.

(CHUCKLING)
That he set up!

Oh, Cliff.

VICKI: What'd he do?

Have you been
listening at all?

This is a very
sensitive man.

Oh, he got sick again?

LINDA: Yes,
he got sick.

Again.

Poor Jay.

It gets worse.

You're kidding me.

(BEEPS)

MAX: What up!

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

What, you score, huh?
You get a little action?

I'm kidding. Forget the
airport ride tomorrow,
all right? I got...

NATASHA: Jay, it's me.
I hope your fiancée
isn't getting this.

I'm sorry about tonight.

If you get a chance,
I'm staying at
the Ambassador Hotel.

Call me.

(RECEIVER CLICKS)

Suddenly his head cleared.
Everything went blank.

He forgot about Max.

He forgot about Sam.
Yeah.

He forgot about
all the hurt Natasha
put him through.

And ran as fast as he could
to the Ambassador Hotel.

I still have it.

I've missed you.

You embarrassed me
with that girl tonight.

Well, it's over.
Calm down.

It made me so crazy!

Calm down.

I don't want to be calm.

(RIPPING)

Hey, you just
ripped my shirt.

(PANTING) Like that?
Pull my hair!

What? I'm not gonna
pull your hair.

Pull it!

Jay tried desperately
to grab onto whatever

had made him
love this girl
in the first place.

Wahoo!

All he could think
about was Sam.

(NATASHA PANTING)

What is it that you found
remotely interesting
about this woman?

(GROWLING)

I don't know.

So tell her you
don't want her.

Tell her you want me.

Nuh-uh-uh.
Don't tell her that.

Sam's my girl,
all right?

You stick with
the Virgin Mary.

And remember,
if you fuck it up again,

you're back to Italy
doing another romance novel.

(NATASHA PANTING)

Wait. Natasha,
I can't do this.

Where're you going?

I had a really great time
but I have to go.

Don't you walk out on me,
you fucking faggot!

Thank you for that.
It was a memorable
last image.

Huh?

Now he knew deep
in his heart that
he really loved Sam,

but he really
had betrayed Max.

Well, he felt
so guilty about it

he decided to call
Max and confess.

(RINGING)

What up?

Yeah, you up?
I need to talk.

Oh, Jay. What up?

What up?

Hey, you're up?
Come on in!

Shut up!

(STAMMERING)
Who is that?
Who is that?

(STAMMERS)
It's the maid.
What up?

At 6:00 a.m.?

Yeah.
I am not the maid, Max.

I'm here because you
want me to be here.

Would you shut
the fuck up?

Who is that?

What's up?
You shut the fuck up.

(THROUGH GRITTED TEETH)
You shut the fuck up! Jay?

Wait. That's Dara,
isn't it?

Jay?

You know what?
You're a dick,
all right?

(SLAMS RECEIVER REPEATEDLY)

Fucking ass.
Fuck you, man.

(SIGHS) Oh, fuck.
God. Fuck!

Can't you shut
the fuck up?

You know what?
There's no more
fucking hot water, anyway.

Fuck you!
Fuck the... Fuck up!

(SINGING SOUSA FANFARE)

So Max cheated on Sam?

Mmm.

Look at his eyes.

You can tell
he's a cheat.

Well, it was exactly
what Jay needed because
now he felt betrayed.

But, more importantly,
he felt the woman he
loved had been betrayed.

Now, all loyalties were off.
He had to go to her.

Jay?
Are you okay?

Yeah, yeah.
I'm fine.

You look like shit.

Yeah, yeah.
I'm aware of that.

Do you want
to come in?

Oh, no, thanks.
I'm fine.

I was just,
you know, walking by,
getting a little jog in.

You know, that morning
walk/jog thing.

In slacks?

Yeah, in slacks.

I'll see you later.
I'm gonna...

(IMITATING ROBERT DE NIRO)
"Never, ever rat
on your friends."

That's Goodfellas.

Oh, that was
great, honey.

Thank you, sweetie.

Well, he didn't.
Goodfellas or not.

Max and Sam's relationship
would have to run its course
without his interference.

He decided to stay away.

Jay! Open up.

(POUNDING)

Open up. It's me.

Jay!
Go away.

Just open the door,
okay?

(KICKING DOOR)

Jay, I'm not kidding.
I'm gonna kick it down.

Go for it.
It's solid oak.

(CONTINUES KICKING)

I could hear that
pouty little fucking voice
of yours this morning.

"How could you, Max?
How could you?"

Well, you know what?
This has nothing to do
with you, all right?

What, you think
'cause you set
me up with her

you have a stake
in our relationship
forever?

Well, I'm telling you,
fuck you, you don't!

Why am I apologizing
to you anyway?

I don't know.
I don't either.

I don't owe you anything.

I didn't even know
Dara was going
to be there, okay?

You gotta
believe me here.

I mean, she must have
found out somehow,
called... I don't know.

She's tracked me
down like an animal.
Stalked...

It's a stalking
is what it is.

Um, I've called
the police.

(SIGHS)

Okay. I had to...
I had to get it out
of my system, Jay.

I had to.
One last time.

And you think it's out?

Do you think it's out?

I don't know.

In the middle
of the day?

Why are you
drinking so much?

I was depressed.

What, over this?

I have depressions
that don't relate
to you at all, okay?

Look... Okay,
I thought I could
handle this.

Okay? I thought
I was ready for this.
Maybe I'm not, okay?

I mean, I never...

I've never had
to be loyal to
just one woman.

I don't know
if I can be.

Well, maybe she can't
be loyal to you either.

What the fuck
does that mean?

Nothing. It doesn't
mean anything.

Oh, it meant something.

What are you saying?

You're a sick,
deranged freak.

How could you ask me
to try and sleep
with your fiancée?

No, no.

I didn't ask you
to sleep with my fiancée.

I asked you to find out
if she would
sleep with you.

And what are you
telling me now?
What are you saying?

That you did?

Get out.

Did you fuck
my fiancée?

Of course I didn't.

Do you think
you could have?

I think maybe there was
a connection between us.

You think?

I had a real
strong feeling.

Join a support group
for your fucking
feelings, okay?

I want an answer.
What happened?

Max, nothing happened.

Okay?

Why don't you just
call off the wedding?

You don't love her,
do you?

Just let it go.

You're telling me
my fiancée wants to
fuck my best friend,

and you want me
to just let that go?

She wants to
cheat on me?

(CHUCKLES)

You're cheating
on her, okay?
You egomaniac!

Why do you want
to marry her?

What do you mean?
She's perfect.

You know that.
She's everything
I ever pictured in a wife.

She's hot, she's smart,
she hates fucking cats.

Max, do you love her?

Yeah. Yeah.

I don't know.

(MUMBLES)

The way you talk
about love,

I don't know if I'm capable
of loving anyone like that.

But if I am, it's her.

But that's not fair
to Sam, okay?

"Fair"?

You're telling me
the woman
I want to marry

is thinking
of fucking
my best friend.

"Fair"?
Fuck fucking "fair."

Fuck you. Fuck her.
Fuck everybody. "Fair."

That's it.
We're going over there.
You're coming with me.

We're gonna go
and confront her
about this, okay?

We're gonna find out
what's really going on.

You wanna take
this here? Fine.

But you better be
prepared to deal
with whatever happens,

because I am.

Okay.

I told you to put
the bottle away.

I don't want you blurting
something out until I feel
the moment is right, okay?

Ooh, what is this,
a sting operation?

To a certain degree,
yes, it is, Jay.
Yes, it is.

Chances are you
just misinterpreted

something she did,
something stupid.

But if you're right,
I want to get her
when her guard is down.

I need her
completely...
Jesus.

Oh. Ooh. Hi.
Oh, my God.

I thought I heard
some voices.

Hi. Where've you
been all day?

(STAMMERS)
I've been at home.

What's wrong?
You look awful.

Oh, I've been
drinking.

Hi, honey.
I'm home.

Hi, Max!

Hi.
Hi.

Linda read the
new stuff today.

She absolutely
loved it.

Good.

Aren't you happy?

This is great news.

Is it?

Well, we should celebrate
this great news.

Why don't we make
some great pasta,

open a great
bottle of wine.

I'm thinking Jay's
great garlic bread.

I'm not hungry, okay?

Surely you don't
want to deny Sam
the pleasure

of your garlic bread?

So, what'd you guys
do last night?

Oh, we just went out,
had a couple of drinks.

Yeah?
Where'd you go?

This place called,
um, the Metro?

The Metro?

JAY: Yeah, the Metro.

You know the Metro, Max.

Remember? You used to,
like, live there.

You know,
Max and the Metro.

Oh. The Metro
dance club.

Yeah, they got
some dancing
and there's a bar.

Yeah, I know.

So, did you guys, uh...

You guys dance, or...

Maybe one dance.

A half a dance.

(MOCKINGLY)
Oh, just half a dance.

Oh, Jay, I didn't
realize you were
so fleet-footed.

Well, I'm pretty good, huh?

So, what else
did you guys do?

We went home.

Oh, yeah. We just
came right home.

Whose home?

What do you mean?

I mean, did you guys
come back here
to our place

or did you go
to Fred Astaire's
rat-infested shithole?

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey. Something
smells good.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, my God.
This garlic bread
is great.

Join us. Please.

Thanks.

So...

How was
Detroit, Max?

Yeah, Max. How was
the old Motor City?

Any action going on
in the Motor City?

Always action going on
in Detroit, isn't there?

As a matter of fact,
I hear there's
all sorts of action

going down at
the Detroit Marriott,
isn't that right?

You wanna shut
the fuck up?

Am I missing
something?

No.

What happened
in Detroit?

Nothing happened
in Detroit.

It sounds like
something did.

Well, nothing did.
He's drunk, okay?

He's been drinking
an awful lot lately.

He's right.

Max, did something
happen in Detroit?

No, nothing.

How the hell does
this get turned on me
all of a sudden?

What...

Damn it, Sam,
Jay thinks you're
attracted to him.

(GASPS)

Well, are you?

Andrea, go to
your room now!

(SCOFFS) Right.

Hey, hey, hey!
I want an answer here.

What's going on?
You tell me.

Are you attracted
to him?

You forced it
on us, Max.

What?

Forced what on you?

Maybe it was
inevitable anyway.

How...
What is inevitable?

I love her
and I think
she loves me.

What?

I'm sorry, Max.

What are you
talking about?

Sam, I love you.

I've never loved anyone
the way I love you.

I've never, ever felt this.

(LAUGHING)

You... You little dick.

You...

I'm sorry, Max.

No, man, you...
You had me going.

Whoa!

You had me going.
You sick...

You just tongued
my fiancée. Whoo!

Max, Max,
I'm not joking.

So, what? You told her...
You told her about our test?

Your test,
and no, I didn't.

What test?

Oh, good. That's good.
"What test?"

So, you told her
about the test

and then you concocted
this little joke
to get back at me?

Let me tell you,
for the record,
you got me.

Shit, you got me good.

Max.
Fine... Bravo.

Max.
Bravo, man.

It's not a joke, okay?
I love her.

Right. No, I know, Jay.
You've told me.

You love her
and Natasha means
nothing to you.

Yeah, right.
Come on!

Jay, what test?

Max had this idea that
you might cheat on him

and wanted me
to be the test subject.

Keep going, keep going.
And you agreed to that?

Of course
I didn't agree to it,

but he wouldn't
let it go.

You just wouldn't
let it go.

What, am I on fucking
Candid Camera here?
What's going on?

Hey, hey,
are you telling me
this whole time

I've been after you to
see if she's go for you,

what, you've been
falling in love with her?

Max, I think
I was in love with her
before I set you up.

Do you know what
you're saying to me?

Don't I feel like
a fucking asshole.

No, I feel
like the asshole!

You give me a ring,

then you tell me
you want to spend the
rest of your life with me,

and then immediately
you ask your best friend
to try to get me in bed.

Well, it looks like
you're ready to fuck him,
so I guess you failed.

(SCOFFS) You're pathetic.

(SCOFFS)

And you. If you
love me so much,

how come you
set me up with him
in the first place?

The truth?

Yeah.

I guess in some sick way
I hoped that Max would
fall in love with you

and you'd kick his ass
like Natasha kicked mine
and teach him a lesson.

Well, I guess
I failed your test, too.

(SIGHS)
(DOOR SLAMS)

"I guess I failed
your test, too."

Oh, that is rough.

Yeah, it was.

And Jay, full of guilt,
he didn't know
which way to turn.

He's gotta go
after the girl.

No, he's gotta go
after his friend.

Well, he did neither.

Went home,
packed up his car,

and drove to New York.

Took the first apartment
he looked at.

Called Max.
He refused to
take his calls.

(RINGS)

What up?

Stop calling me,
traitor.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

Hello?

LINDA: Anyway,
Max moved out.

And he refused
to talk to Sam.

And she refused
to talk to him.

So how the hell
did we get here?

All right. Hold on
to your horseshoes,
big fella.

Months passed.
We released the book.

It was a monster success.

Every heartbroken geek
in the country bought it.

And Max?

He found his own
book to put to use.

He read,

and he read,

and he read.

And a passage in it made
something in him change.

Understanding came over him
and he needed to see Jay.

He needed Sam there, too.

He knew she
wouldn't talk to him,
so he enlisted Dre.

And he enlisted his
maître d' friend at Ambria

and it was all set.

BOTH: What was?

Patience.

Um, I'm gonna go
to the bathroom.

What do you think
the letter said?

Which letter?

Either letter.
I don't know. Tell us!

Uh, could I have
everyone's attention?
What up?

Here's an advance copy
of Jay's next book.

You'll need to read it
to find out.

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute!

You can't leave us
hanging like that.

We didn't even talk
about the house!

I know I don't like being
the center of attention,

but I have something
to say before
we get dinner served.

First of all, I just
want to say thank you,

thank you all
for being here,

on such a special occasion.

It means a lot to us,
so thanks.

Even you, Dre.

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

All right.
I guess on to my toast.

Cliff, come on.
Speech.

A couple of years ago,
my best friend Jay here
gave me a book.

It was written
in 18-something
or other

by a guy named
La Rochefoucauld.

Yeah!

(LAUGHS) That only
took two weeks.

Anyway, I finally
came across this book

and decided
to give it a read.

And while I didn't
understand half of this
very big, very boring book,

what I did get
I wanted to share
with you, and it's this.

True love
cannot be found

where it does not
truly exist,

nor can it be hidden
where it truly does.

And with that,
as my best friend
Jay's best man,

I want to raise my glass

to Samantha and Jay.

And what can I say?

I hope one day
I should be so lucky,

we all should be so lucky,
to find someone
that makes us feel

the way you two obviously
feel about each other.

I love you.

I'm getting a little misty
so let's, uh, you know...

Too much love in the air.

Let's get some music going

and let's have you all
out on the dance floor

for your first dance
as husband and wife.

(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, Max.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

So what the hell
did the letter say?

Come on, honey.
Would you get him
away from me, please?

Hey.
You wanna dance?

No. No thanks.
Come on. Get up.

Not interested.
Here we go.

I'm not doing it.

So, uh,
you have money, huh?

(BOTH LAUGH)

Yes.

Yeah, me, too.
It's good.