All language subtitles for Ill.Show.You.Mine.2022.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.H.264-English

Nic.

I'm sorry I'm so late.

I wondered if anything
had happened to you.

I overslept.

Look at you!

Look at you.

Wow. Thank you
for dressing up for me.

Sorry, Aunt Priya.

Let's drop the "aunt"
for this weekend.

You are my aunt, though.

Yes, I am, but by marriage.

That's important
for this conversation.

What have I gotten myself into?

I promise I will keep it
relatively painless.

Was that a pun?

-What was a pun?
-"Relatively" painless?

Oh, dear God. Unintended.

- This outfit.
- I mean,

I figured if we were gonna be
sittin' around all weekend,

I might as well
stay comfortable.

- Plus...
- Mm-hmm.

You wanna know the best part?

-There's a flap in the butt.
-I mean, why-- why-- why?

- Not interested.
- You're no fun.

You look great, though.

Did you get
all dolled up for me?

No, no, I had a-- Uh,
a faculty thing this morning.

It was online.

Meaning no one
was wearing pants?

Says the man in pajamas
with no underwear.

I don't remember telling you

that I wasn't wearing underwear,

but I guess if
that's what you picture.

Two minutes in
and you're already caught on

your little tape thingy
being inappropriate.

You are recording this, right?

No, not yet. I'd tell you first.

Yeah,
I'm not rushing you at all.

I just get kind of... antsy.

But luckily Jasper let me
borrow his little magnets.

We got them for his anxiety,

but honestly,
I use them more than he does.

Oh, let me see.

Yeah, I've-- I've seen--

Yeah, no, get ahead of that.
That's good.

I have these guys.

Oh, wow.
I've never seen these.

Wow, that is really soothing.

You can use them
for the weekend.

Thank you.

How are the kids
and Kristen doing?

Well, uh, Kristen just stopped
traveling for work,

so we're sort of adjusting to

being around each other
this much,

but the kids are so cute.

Wanna see?

Well, I mean,
between you and Kristen,

how could they not be gorgeous?

Here they are.

-Cute times two.
-They are adorable.

- I know.
- Were they so sad

to lose you for the weekend?

Oh, my God.
Jasper burst into tears

every time
the trip was mentioned.

Jocelyn is a lot like her mom
and she only barely needs me.

What about Uncle Aaron?
Or-- Sorry.

What about Aaron?
Where's the hubs?

- In, uh, London.
- Oh.

He's been on a sabbatical

and periodically
comes back and forth,

but, uh,
he's not here this weekend.

Thank you.

Anyway, thank you so much
for setting aside the time

and making the drive down.

I so appreciate it. My, uh--

my publisher called
and gave me a hard deadline

for this book of ours,
so I am really happy

to have your full attention.

Oh, you do. Just...

Oh, your daughter
just texted me.

I did tell her
I was seeing you today.

Uh, apparently
Laurel still has that--

that Nicki picture
that I gave her years ago.

Quite a crush on her cousin,
the famous model.

Briefly famous. Anyhow.

See how Laurel kissed me
where it counts?

Okay, that-- that--

You guys are blood cousins.
Can-- Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, shit. Sorry.
I'm just seeing all the texts

that you sent
when I was driving.

Okay, if that is Laurel,
I will tell her--

You can get it if you need to.

It's just the home.
It's-- it's just my dad.

Your dad's in the nursing home?

Mm-hmm, yeah, he's been there
for a while since my mom died,

but that is
a completely different topic.

-Sorry.
-Um, oh, no, no, totally fine.

Um...

Nic, maybe we should turn our
phones off so we can all focus.

You still only have
the weekend, right?

Yeah. I think I need to leave
by, like, 2:00 or 3:00 tomorrow?

I thought we had
all day tomorrow.

No, I'm so sorry. I promised
I'd be back by bedtime.

Okay. Well, why don't
we just get right to it then?

Oh, my God. Your magnum opus,
The Abusive Patriarchy.

You're so sad
in the cover of this.

Do you remember what happened?

Uh, yeah, I ruined what my dad
thought was a good photograph

with a sneeze...

...so he spanked me right there
in front of the photographer,

and that picture
was taken right after.

If you look really close,

you can see
the tear marks down my face.

Damn.

You say all that so casually.

Oh, I have worked through it.

It's all I've been
writing about for years.

I'm over it, everyone else
is clearly over it.

This is what's so exciting.
This book is all about you.

Do you have any coffee?

What?

Yes, of course I have coffee,

but Nic,
we really have to do this.

Coffee and then we'll jump
right in. I promise.

Maybe a quick tour
of the place too?

I mean,
these columns are incredible.

These are so fun.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

You ready?

-Uh, recording makes it so real.
-Mmm.

Yeah.

I promise you, Nic,
you are in a safe space.

Okay. Um, I would like to start
off by giving you a compliment.

Everything should start
by giving me a compliment.

Duly noted.

I think it is incredible
what you represent as a model,

as Nicki, uh, so openly
owning your pansexuality.

Is that how you identify,
by the way, as pansexual?

Yeah, I never really
liked defining it,

like, gay or straight or bi,
boys, girls, blah, blah, blah.

And I think a lot of young
people would say that today,

but that wasn't part of the
vernacular back in 2012, right?

That's when you had
your big rush of fame.

Yeah. Ish.

And in your current career--

I mean, if you can call
drawing porn a career.

I can. And I do.

I think your cartoon work
is actually amazing.

I think it pushes
against taboos.

It's very feminist work for me.

-Wow. Well, thanks.
-Mm-hmm.

And your work has always
dealt with the sexual,

so why don't
we just begin there?

Um, what are your
earliest sexual memories?

Hmm. Okay. Here we go, I guess.

Uh, earliest sexual memories...

Do you mean,
like, consensual ones?

Are there non-consensual ones?

Yeah. Um...

Yeah, my earliest
sexual memories

were actually with these, uh,
these friends of my parents.

Um...

They would babysit me

and we would, like,
take these baths together,

and we'd all be naked,

and she would, like,
cradle me in her arms

and try to get me
to suck her breasts.

He'd, like, scrub us both down.

So, that was totally normal.
And...

now it's on the record
forever, I guess.

Uh...

I'm sorry that happened to you.

- I'm totally fine.
- Mmm.

Um, I mean, I'm sorry, those--
That's the kind of stuff

that your parents should have
protected you from, right?

- They didn't know.
- Mm-hmm.

I didn't tell them because
the couple said that if I did,

I'd get in trouble, so.

Did you eventually tell them?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. Much later.

I told my dad, um,

but he kind of
just brushed it off

so he wouldn't have
to take responsibility for it.

You know Lewis. Not exactly
big on owning up to shit.

-Runs in the family.
-Who, me?

No, no, no, not you.
Aaron. Your uncle Aaron.

He is kind and calm,
but he's a very scholarly man

who just doesn't believe in
investigating his own emotions.

Yeah. Kristen is
anti-emotion too.

She actually hates it
when I tell her I love her.

Like, she gets visibly upset.
It's bizarre,

but...

That must be hard.

I probably shouldn't talk
about Kristen, actually.

She'll kill me.

We can circle back to her.

Or not.

Okay. Um, Nic, have you given
any thought to how this--

this kind of early experience
of yours has affected you

on a formative level?

Like, does it play into
your current sex life at all?

Um...

what are you getting at?

I'm not getting at anything.

I'm just pursuing
a line of thought

on how trauma can forge aspects
of a human personality

and demolish aspects
of a human personality.

Oh, yeah? Mm-kay.

How did trauma demolish
your human personality?

That seems obliterated.

Okay. Let's just change
subjects for a while.

Um, are you an avid masturbator?

- Currently?
- Mm-hmm.

I mean, when you're
really good at something,

you do it as much as you can.

Are-- are you really gonna put
something like that in the book?

Oh, I'm just trying to get a
complete picture of who you are.

Your sexual history,
current sexual habits,

nothing's off-limits.

Yeah. No, that makes sense.
How often do you masturbate?

This book is not about me.

I-- I know,

but I figure if I'm gonna be
laying it all out

on the table for you,
you can at least reciprocate.

Nic, look at
that bookshelf over there.

You see it? My psyche
has been mined to death.

There's nothing new there.

Priya, can we please make
this, like,

more of a dialogue instead of
a stuffy interview, please?

I'll be way more comfortable.

Okay. Why don't I tell you about
when I lost my virginity?

- It's not really what I--
- Don't wanna hear it?

No, I do.

Okay, uh, it was my freshman
year of college

- Wow.
- And, um--

You really held out.

Yeah. I wasn't exactly
fighting them off.

- Mmm.
- I used to wear

only boys' clothes,
I wasn't on top of my grooming.

All effects of the abuse,
I-- I later learned,

but, um, I got
my act together in college

and met a guy called Chris.

A couple of months in,
I decided,

"You know what,
it's time to lose my virginity."

And so we went back to his dorm
room one night, and...

He had the most massive cock
I've ever seen to date.

-Serious?
-I am serious.

Like, I wanted to scream. Oh!

It was so painful,
and-- and then I'm crying

and I'm crying in pain
and he's--

He just thinks it all,
like, cries of ecstasy.

So he just like,
poor Chris is just pumping away.

Ugh!
Thankfully it did not last long.

I'm sorry,
but-- but that's hilarious.

Um, you know, I would've thought
you already knew this story.

Why?

'Cause I wrote about it
in two different books.

Books that you have
claimed to have read.

I did read them.
Like, most of them.

The early ones, at least.

You're not alone.

I-- I ran out
of personal revelations.

I haven't really navigated any
meaningful territory in years.

So, I don't blame you.

That's why I'm so excited
to be writing this with you.

But your books are still
super popular, right?

People still buy them
and stuff, right?

Yeah. We'll see.

Anyway, um, why don't
you tell me

when you first discovered

that you were attracted
to both sexes?

Were you young?

Wait, both sexes?

Like, you mean
you think there are only two?

That's good. That's good.
Let me rephrase that.

When did you start confronting
expected gender roles

when it came to
who you were attracted to?

Did I catch it better?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Uh, I was pretty young.

I think I was in fifth grade
and I met this girl, Abby.

And I remember I thought
she was really pretty

and she asked me
if I would be her boyfriend.

And I remember being, like,
kind of relieved

that I was, like, just
pairing off boy-girl, you know?

And then
I met her brother, Ryan,

and I thought
he was really pretty too.

And I remember asking Abby
if Ryan liked me

and she totally freaked out.

Which, in hindsight, I get
it's, like, kind of fucked up

to ask your little fifth grade
girlfriend

if someone else is into you,
especially if it's her brother,

um, but there was something
about the way that she reacted

that made me feel
really gross for even asking.

So, I kind of just, like,

shelved that away
for a long time.

Um, if I was, like, into guys,

I-- I didn't act on it or--
or date one until art school.

And I think a big part of that

was that my dad
would have murdered me.

- He's homophobic?
- Oh, my God.

Yeah. Big time.

Wasn't he your manager?

Yeah, but he never liked
the whole Nicki persona.

He went along with it
for a long time

because it was his meal ticket,
but he never was very approving.

It's so funny.

He's emailing me now
because he heard about this book

and he wants to manage
Nicki's comeback, so...

Mmm. What kind of comeback?

The kind you wouldn't
approve of.

Gigs that might pay me
some real money again.

Okay. Um...

I've always wondered what
motivated your red carpet stunt.

Oh, God. That was just kind of
a "fuck you" to the tabloids.

Like, "Print this, bitch,"
you know?

Oh, no, no.
They indeed did print it.

I think you made them
a lot of money, actually.

Well, I mean, it felt like
a "fuck you" in the moment.

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

God.

Did you plan that in advance?

No. God, no, no, no.

I was-- I was wearing that,
like, wrap thing,

and there's
something about, like,

all of this artifice around me,
and I just had the impulse.

And boom, there I was, naked
in front of a bank of
paparazzi.

That's most people's--

I mean,
at least my nightmare. You know?

How does a moment
like that feel?

Honestly, like,

just standing there
in just my skin,

like,
feeling the flash bulbs and...

I fucking loved it.

It just felt really good.

I wonder whether the act
of getting naked for you

comes easier than the labor
of connecting emotionally.

Like, it's some kind of, like,
shortcut to intimacy and love.

Doesn't sound 100% off base.

There may be some dare there,
I guess,

but it was
also that whole thing.

It was kind of just fun.

I'm gonna write that down. Fun.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Three letters. F-U-N. Yeah.

I imagine a whole new
sexual world opened up

-once you got famous.
-Massive understatement.

I have to say, it was
pretty exciting to see you

in all these magazines just...

Just using your platform
so fiercely,

just-- just to talk about
your wide ranging sexuality.

It was- it was--
it was electrifying.

That's very sweet.

A lot of people
just thought I was a slut.

But you owned it, right?

I mean, I-- I think that's
what-- what I remember most.

You just...

It's so rare to see someone
who refuses to hide who they are

and what they want
to suit the masses.

You make me sound like
pan Jesus.

No, I just
want you to understand.

I get it.

I mean, I saw it as just
kind of performance art,

but I know that it meant a lot

- to actually a lot of people.
- Yeah.

I think they'd never
really seen themselves

-in the media.
-Hmm.

You must have
changed the trajectory of

so many people's lives just by

the radical act of
being who you are.

- Hmm.
- You know? And-- and I--

and I would love for you
to get recognition for that.

I think this book
will help with that.

From your questioning so far,

it sounds like this book is
just about me jerking off

and my dirty sex secrets.

Yeah, partially, but--
but it does tie into

the cultural impact,
the-- the-- the exchange

and interaction
you had with your fans,

uh, your sexual exploitation,
your highs, your lows.

Wait, what?

What?

I mean, exploitation is...

Well, I-- I saw your career,
Nicki. I watched it.

Are you trying to tell me
that you weren't exploited

for your body or your sexuality?

I mean,
that's just the business.

You kind of make it sound like
I'm some kind of, like, victim.

No, not a victim. Survivor.

Okay, that's not really better.

Nic, we have so little time.

Why don't we not try
and fit this into

any sort of narrative yet, okay?

Why don't we just
finish the interview

and then we'll
find the form later on.

Does that sound good?

Okay. All right.

Um, okay. I wanted to ask you--

Do you remember
my cousin Jack's wedding?

-Uh...
-I was 19.

You and I danced all night

and Aunt Eileen thought
we were both on drugs.

Sounds familiar.

I had a reputation
for dancing up a storm

at weddings when I was young.

You don't remember anything
else

that happened at the wedding?

No.

Why?

I'm just curious.

I was just thinking about
victims and survivors...

Okay, Nic,
I wanna ask you how, um,

how present was consent
in those circles?

Did anyone force
themselves on you?

Did you force yourself
on anyone?

Are you asking me
if I ever raped someone?

No, no, not necessarily
just if...

someone coerced you
or you coerced someone--

Fucking seriously, Priya?

Look, Nic.

I think it's important
to ride the nerve endings

of sex and trauma

instead of pretending like these
things don't exist

or these things don't affect us

and the process
can be uncomfortable at times.

It is-- it is the process,
this is what it looks like.

I think I need to eat something.

Uh, okay.

Do you want me to look into
ordering or something, or...

Uh, yeah, fine.

Let me just see what's
in your fridge first.

You know, Nic, I've been
doing this for so many years

that I probably have become
inured to the pain

or maybe I don't realize that
everyone else's pain tolerance

is not as high as mine,
so I apologize for...

coming off too strong, or...

I certainly did not mean
to re-traumatize you, or...

That's okay.

Sometimes I, like,
get in my head

and kind of spin out, and I've
been through it with Jasper,

so I know how annoying
it can be.

Are they thinking
ADHD for Jasper?

-They sure are.
-Mmm.

And I-- I wanna help him
have more control than I do,

and I wanna handle his outbursts
better than my dad handled mine,

but it can be
so fucking hard, you know?

Like the blind leading
the blind sometimes.

I'm sure you're a good dad.

And thank God we all
don't become my parents.

I don't know, Priya.

Sometimes I feel like
you're ready to spank me.

- Why'd you do that?
- Do what?

Flirt to maneuver out
of uncomfortable situations.

Oh, my God. Lighten up, Priya.
I was just having fun.

So, I've been
thinking about titles.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

-Me, too.
-Oh, yeah? Go first.

The Nicki of Time.

Right?

Mine is, um,
Nicki: A Pansexual
(R)Evolution,

with parentheses around the "R."

Oh, my God.
You and your parentheses.

I mean, do I even
get a say in this?

You know what, neither of us do.
The publisher titles it.

Yeah, but they want,
like, a Nicki bio, right?

Yeah, yeah.

Biography-cum-cultural
intervention.

Cum what?

A cultural intervention.
Like how you--

Oh, my God,
whatever the fuck that is.

You know, sometimes you really
do remind me of your dad.

That's rich.

That's really
how to get on my good side,

comparing me to Lewis.

I'm not trying
to get on your good side.

You should be.

-Why should I be?
-Because you pissed me off.

So let me just
set the scenario for you.

You wanted to do this.

We've been talking about it
for over six months.

I have rejigged my schedule up
and down to accommodate you.

You have canceled on me
on three different weekends.

I have drawn up
an agreement for you,

an agreement that you signed.

I didn't read that.

Are you kidding?

What? You sent me 15 pages
of legal bullshit

and you expect me
to read it all?

I don't have a lawyer
on staff anymore, Priya.

If you wanna talk
about exploitation,

we can have that conversation.

Excuse me, are you accusing me
of exploiting you?

Yeah, I kinda am.

Nic...

I am not trying to exploit you.

I promise you that. I think
this book is really important.

I think working together,

we can actually deepen
the understanding of gender

and sexuality, and yes,
sexual exploitation

by delving into your history.

-Which is my story. Mine.
-It is your story.

Of course, it is your story,

but if you're not willing
to trust me with it,

I don't know
what the fuck you're doing here.

Whoa.

Okay. Um...

My chicken nuggets
are a little cold,

so I'm gonna heat those up.

Let you cool off
a little bit. Jesus.

You know what?

If you want trust here,

there's got
to be a give and take.

I cannot go through this again.

All my darker secrets
are published.

Priya, we both know
that's not true.

Look, if you agree to stop
rehashing

all your published bullshit,

I'll talk about Kristen

and we can put that
in the book, okay?

Okay.

Yeah?

Whatever, I'm an open book.

-Great.
-Yeah.

Cool. Great.

And how about
for our afternoon session,

we break out
some adult beverages.

Trying to get me drunk?

Mmm. Yeah.
So that I can ravage you,

unadmitted rapist that I am.

Pretend you didn't say that.

Okay. I'm gonna get us
some drinks

and I'm gonna set us up
on the patio, okay?

Let's make this actually fun.
Please?

Voil�.

-Nicki...
-Oh, yours was way worse.

I'm gonna change and then
let's get out on the patio.

I'm gonna sweat my nuts
off in this thing.

You really took your sweet time.

I was texting Uncle Aaron.

-On the toilet?
-What? No. This is on.

I text on the pot all the time.
Gives me something to do.

TMI, Nic.

You just said that I wasn't
giving you enough information

and now my bathroom habits
are TMI?

What exactly do you want
from me, madame?

You think I'm adorable.
Admit it!

I think you're incorrigible.

But I actually think it's
gonna be good for the book.

Like your truthfulness
and brashness. It's all...

I mean, my own work
has gotten so theoretical.

I just,
this feels like something new

or maybe it's just,
I don't know, return to form.

- So, I--
- So, what I was gonna--

Oh, oh. Jinx. You go.

I was just going to say
that I am just surprised

that you are at all reticent
to talk about sex,

considering the fact
that you are the one person

I consider to have no hangups.

I mean, it's sex.
Everyone has hangups, right?

Even a big ol' slut like me.

And I use that term endearingly,

by the way,
I'm very slut-positive.

Okay. So, how do you feel
about your cock?

-My cock?
-Mm-hmm.

I'm a fan.

I'm sure you've seen
the pictures online.

Me and Reba are tight. We've had
some real adventures together.

- Did you say Reba?
- Uh-huh.

She's the fancy gal
in my trousers.

All right,
so you're all good with Reba?

That's so refreshing.

So, do you have any
insecurities? Sexually, I mean?

I mean, I'm not really
the kind of guy who sits around

thinking about
sexual insecurities, you know?

I'm a fucking porn cartoonist.

Literally the only thing
I'm good at

is drawing cocks and cunts.

That's not true.
You're good at being a model.

- Well, thanks.
- Do you still model?

I do, like, commercial work
from time to time,

and I have some friends
who are painters

and I'll sit for them
when they need me to,

stuff like that.

- Do you pose nude?
- Of course.

- Of course?
- Yeah.

Of course.

See, there's this--
this body confidence just...

amazes me.

It's probably my greatest asset.

Okay, so is--
is your greatest asset your body

or is it the willingness
to show it off in public?

- Both?
- Uh-huh.

- I guess.
- Uh-huh.

I mean, it's certainly
not my fine wit

or my ability to pontificate
on the finer points of Prowst.

Proust.

Proust. Exactly.

You don't see yourself
as more than just a body

when you're moving
through the world?

Um, no.

I'm, yeah,
I'm more than just a body.

Um, it's hard to explain,'cause
you're, like, the opposite?

Like, I mean, you know, you have
obviously an amazing body,

but you give so much
to the world,

and, like, get its-- its
reaction through your thoughts

and your writing,
and I-- I-- I just, I don't.

Like, at this point in my life,

my greatest intellectual
achievement is, like,

giving someone a brief chuckle

while they scroll through a porn
site looking for pussy pics.

You know? But when I get naked,

I feel like, I don't know,

I can make people
be even more confident

in their own bodies, you know?

And with the posing stuff
for my friends,

it's, I don't know,
I can contribute to great or--

I mean,
at least semi-interesting art?

And turn people on.

- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.

That can be part of it.

Yeah, I think
we might be opposite.

I'd like some of that, you know.

My most profound experiences
happen internally.

Meaning like what?

Like, the endless cogitating
and, y-- you know,

it used to be
such a blessing with Aaron

because both of us would
just perish into our works.

Our marriage
is so low-drama, but...

But what?

I don't know,
maybe that's the problem,

-you know?
-Mmm.

We're isolated. We're far apart.

-We're-- we're so independent.
-Mmm.

Just recently... I've just
been wanting more, you know?

Mmm, yeah, I completely relate.

Yeah, but the difference is

you're living
fully in the world, right?

Like, that's why
I wanna write this book.

You're always living in
and engaging with the world.

That is magnetic.

Thank you.

That's literally
the nicest thing

anyone has ever said about me.

But it's so funny
hearing you say that

because it almost sounds
or feels like

you're talking about
someone else.

It's like, a lot of the time

it feels like I'm, like,
I'm in this dark room

watching my body go on
these adventures apart from me.

It's like my body is
this romance novel hero,

but my brain is this...

bag boy from Peoria.

Metaphorical Peoria.
Does that make sense?

Are you high?

I am a little high.

Mm-hmm. Yep.

Are you too high to have
a meaningful conversation?

Have you never been high before?

It makes me sleepy.

Oh, really? It makes me relaxed
and deep and thoughtful.

- Okay, well, that's good.
- Uh-huh.

Just don't try
to take advantage of me.

Do you know what I really want?

I wanna be famous again.

That was the best part
about the whole Nicki thing,

was I felt like I was
actually good at something

and-- and then
I got paid for it.

I always wondered why you cut
that Nicki thing so short

and why it just
mysteriously disappeared.

I wanna be rich again, too.

Like, really fucking rich.

You know, my dad and I actually,

we have this whole
TV pitch planned

for when our book
becomes a big hit, so.

Um, did I tell you
that Kristen lost her job?

Yeah, we're actually, um...

We're pretty severely fucked

if I-- if I don't start
making some money.

I mean,
I shouldn't be worried about,

like, traditional gender roles
and shit,

but there's something

about not being able
to provide for my family

that's actually so emasculating.

I don't know, it almost
feels like we're playing house

and she's gonna realize
that playtime's over

and she's gonna pack up her toys
and go back home.

Mmm.

- Yeah.
- Mmm.

I told you I would
talk about me and Kristen.

Now let's make this book

a fucking biography-cum-cultural
revolution

so I don't have to deal
with the other stuff, please.

I found your scotch.

Hmm. Drunk and high. Okay.

Just enough to make me
an open book, I promise.

-Back to it?
-Yep.

I've always wondered how Kristen
feels about your pansexuality?

Mmm, I mean,
she's a lot like me.

She's tried everything under
the sun except settling down.

And how come
you wanted to try that?

Uh, 'cause I got her pregnant.

Um, yeah, our relationship
was always, like,

super boundary-less and open
and fun and then, you know,

when she was with child,

um, and we had
to make that decision,

we kind of thought
that the most transgressive

and radical thing
that we could do

would be the most traditional.

See, I always thought you would
settle down with a man.

Why?

I don't know, I just assumed--

That I was really just gay
and that dating other genders

was my way
of not dealing with it?

No, there was a point in time
I thought you were transgender.

-Oh.
-Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I mean, I get that,

but no, that was never
really part of my journey.

Um, you're probably the only
person in my family, though,

who would have been okay
with that, so thank you.

I appreciate that.

I always felt that you and I
had more in common than--

than any other
two members of that family.

Absolutely. You don't have
an NRA bumper sticker.

But still, there's so much--

Like, there feels like a--
a chasm still.

Like,
stuff that about you I can't...

Um, for example, like, I always
wanna ask you about pan,

the-- the "all" aspect
of your sexuality, you know?

I think I hit up against
that because of my upbringing,

and even though I spent
so much time studying it

and especially preparing for
this conversation,

I guess...

Do different people have
a different pull on you?

Women, men, non-binary?

Um, I've always been
more attracted to

the spirit of the person
than the gender.

-You know?
-Yeah, I just don't buy it,

-I'm sorry.
-What don't you buy?

I guess this whole, like, spirit
thing. This whole, like...

Are you saying that
it feels too, like, woo-woo?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Let me try and think
of concrete examples.

-Would that be helpful?
-Mm-hmm.

Okay, when I was in art school
before I went,

I thought for sure
that I was gay, you know?

Like, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay,
dicks-only gay, gay, gay.

But then in my sculpture class,
I met this woman named Odyssey.

Her name was Odyssey?

Well, no,
her name was really Beth,

but it was art school,
so, you know.

Um, but... yeah, when I met her,

I remember being, like,
shocked and a little surprised,

and then I was like, "Who the
fuck am I to judge myself,"

you know? Like, why not
just ride the wave

and if I'm attracted to her
because of who she is,

I'm gonna just follow that,
you know?

I mean, surely you've
surprised yourself

when you've, like, crossed over
sexual boundaries or something?

Um, I-- I mean, of course
I've met women in my life

that I am drawn to, but
I-- I wouldn't imagine, um...

crossing that barrier.

So I'm wondering how, you know,
coming from where you come from,

with a dad that's homophobic,

how do you cross
all those multiple lines

that society sets out for you
and family set out for you?

You just cross it.

For me, it feels like Everest.

For you, it's just like,
oh, crossing the street.

-Truly.
-Mmm.

Can we get into
the mechanics of it?

Like, what is sex like
with someone who's transgender

- or non-binary, what's...
- I feel like

even the way that you're
thinking about it is gendered.

Like, sex doesn't have to be as
clinical

as you're looking at it.

It's not about,
like, what goes in where

and who has what equipment,
like, you're-- you're--

What is it about, then?

Well, I dated a person
named Rae, and they were--

they were a fem-presenting
dom top, and they--

Sex with them was actually,
like, a revelation.

They had no boundaries at all.

Nothing was off-limits,

and they would tell me
exactly what they wanted.

And it was incredible
in the bedroom,

but then outside of the bedroom,
the lines got a little blurred,

and they would take that sense
of telling me what to do

in a very literal manner.

So I would find myself, like,
having to clean their toilet

or, like, one time when they
said that I had to go out

and get them a milkshake
even when I had the flu.

I had, like, a 103-degree fever,

and I was there, and I ordered
the wrong milkshake flavor,

and when I brought it back,
they lost their shit.

So actually,
maybe that's a terrible example.

Do you perceive yourself
as a masochist?

Um, I mean, yeah,

I definitely have played
the sub multiple times,

like, pantyhose--

Emotional. Emotional masochist.

Uh, I don't really
know what that means,

but clearly you think I am that.

I think we have that in common.

I don't know that you're
a masochist, though, are you?

You're giving me, like,
full dom energy today.

An emotional masochist is
someone who will get into, uh,

situations and relationships
where they will suffer.

It's very-- It's common among,
um, survivors of abuse.

Mmm. I feel like you use that
as an excuse a lot.

Maybe people
just are who they are.

- And who are you, then?
- Who am I?

I am a guy who doesn't
have the same limits

that other people
place on themselves.

Or maybe the fact
that you were violated

at such a young age provided
you a learned experience

where people could trespass
over your boundaries

and do what they wanted
with your body.

-Well-- Whoa, careful.
-Sorry.

Whatever. I mean, models
need people to do stuff

with their bodies and they need
to be comfortable with it,

so maybe my trauma
ended up being

incredibly beneficial
to my career.

Have you ever
thought about that?

I mean, I--
My head keeps going back to,

where the hell was your dad
in all of this?

Like where-- where--
Was he protecting?

- What-- Where was Lewis?
- No, Lewis was more

interested in the,
like, fucking models

and, like, doing coke at parties
and that kind of stuff,

which was actually
kind of this, like,

weird fucked-up bonding thing
for us for a while

'cause he never really seemed
to like me much

before then, um...

Yeah, it ended up being
ultimately incredibly toxic,

and, uh, my mom really got
the shit end on that stick.

She doesn't really like
talking about the Nicki era.

I mean, I get it. I basically
tore the family apart, so.

I think that blame falls

squarely on
your dad's shoulders.

No, I mean, if I hadn't gotten
famous,

then it wouldn't have...

manifested the way
it did for her.

And yet, here you are,
wanting to get famous again.

-Yeah.
-Mmm.

It's kind of addictive,
isn't it?

So, I didn't
wanna push before...

But I do want
to know about the pitch.

No.

-No.
-Come on.

No, you'll just shit on it.

-I won't shit on it.
-And I don't really...

-Promise?
-Mm-hmm.

Okay. Um, the idea is that
I would have guests,

um, come on and they would
tell me their dirty sex secrets

and then I would animate those
sex secrets and it would be,

like, kind of a combo of
reality TV and edgy porn.

The fact that I hate it so much
means it will be a success.

So rude.

You wanna be famous again too.
I can tell.

Not famous, but just read.

Ah.

I miss having
an impact on the world.

Mmm. That's so noble.

It doesn't have
to be about the world.

Oh.

What?

-Who was that?
-Oh, no one. Sorry.

-You sure?
-Yeah.

You just made
a really weird face.

-You good?
-I made a weird face?

You almost knocked
your wine glass over.

How are you doing?

Huh? How many glasses of wine
have you had, drunkie?

It's okay.
You're cute when you're tipsy.

Mmm, just a little tipsy.

Mmm.
I've never been drunk before.

If you're drunk, maybe
you're in the right headspace

to tell me about your masochism.

Emotional masochism.

Come on! Come on.

You're telling me you've
never looked at BDSM porn?

-Sure, but for work.
-Ah.

It's strictly-- strictly
professional... interest.

Mmm. Mm-hmm.

So Uncle Aaron has
never helped you explore

this strictly
professional interest?

So you've never
explored it, then?

Maybe you have,
but just not with Aaron.

Do you keep secrets
from Kristen?

Maybe.

Such as...

Um...

Let's just say that cartoon porn
pays significantly less

than Kristen thinks it does.

But you have
another source of income?

- Maybe.
- Is it salacious?

Maybe.

And now we both know enough
about each other to...

make both of our marriages
incredibly uncomfortable,

so...

By the way, all that,
like-- The BDSM stuff,

-it's kind of mainstream now.
-Yeah?

Yeah, it's 50 shades of vanilla.

You don't have to
be embarrassed.

-Oh, well, that's good.
-It's fun.

Yeah, I need to say
good night to my kids before

-it gets too late, I think.
-Yeah.

Maybe do a FaceTime
with Great Aunt Priya?

No.

-Come on!
-Nope.

Great Aunt Priya is tipsy.

I like FaceTiming
when I'm tipsy.

Oh! Look like Kathy Bates
playing Wolverine.

Ugh. Rough.

Okay. All right.
Well, I gotta go.

Tell your mom I said goodnight,
okay, bud?

- Bye!
- All right, bye.

Aww.

I remember when
Laurel was that age.

Just running wild already.

Mmm, yeah. Jasper is
so high-energy that if--

uh, if I'm not
watching him every minute,

he will actually run
right under a moving truck.

If Jocelyn doesn't
bulldoze him herself.

She is such
a bossy little thing.

What?

It's nothing.
My mom used to call me bossy.

It's just a trigger, that's all.

-Oh.
-That's all.

-Sorry. Shit.
-No, please no.

She'd be so worried about me
doing anything to upset my dad.

She had no idea
he was getting off on it,

and she was just so intent on
making everything my fault,

-so...
-God. So sorry.

I, uh, I hope I don't
make Jocelyn feel that way.

I, uh, I love that
she has a mind of her own.

It can be intimidating for boys,
you know?

The reason why a lot of boys
kinda, like, stayed away from--

Well, you know what?

Could've been the acne
and the bad glasses.

I do not remember
acne or bad glasses.

I mean, they were gone by the
time I married into your family,

-but...
-Yeah, they definitely were.

What I remember most on that
first trip when you came to

our house was my mom talking
about how gorgeous you were.

- No mention of acne or glasses.
- Aww. Love your mom.

And I remember my dad repeatedly
saying that he hoped he didn't

have to talk to you
about your sex book.

And that same trip,
do you remember,

you were sitting outside
painting your toenails...

-Uh-huh.
-...and I came out and I must've

been, like, staring so intently

because you offered
to paint mine too.

What were you,
like, 14 or something?

Younger, I think.

There was something about
that trip that left a huge...

like, a pretty big impact on me,
I guess, actually, 'cause you--

you talked to me
like I was an adult,

which just hadn't really
happened in my family before,

and you-- you kind of made me
feel like I was less, like,

wrong.

Not to get too woo-woo
about it, but...

Thank you.

Uh-huh.
I wish I saw you more back then.

-I wish I saw you more.
-I don't think I saw you again

until the wedding.

Jack's wedding,
when we danced the night away.

You keep bringing that up.

That wedding was a total
disaster. I wish I hadn't gone.

That time was such a mess.

My second book
had just come out,

it hadn't been received
as well as Patriarchy had.

Aaron was in London again
on a research gig.

But Jack was getting married
to my cousin Rachel--

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Rachel was your cousin?

She was my cousin.
Did you not know that?

I mean, I guess I must've...

Did you not notice
my father was there?

-Did you not meet him there?
-I did.

I mean, he was old,
but he wasn't senile.

Yet.
But he was still terrifying.

- Is that why you got so drunk?
- Mmm.

The whole night is one big blur.

Come on.

You do remember
dancing with me, right?

I do remember thinking
you were really sweet,

and beautiful, and so fun.

Do you remember, uh,

dropping your purse

at the wedding?

The purse with
your room key in it?

You know, I-- I...

I, uh...

I used-- I used the key.

You know?

I-- I mean, I-- I was 19,
and I just, like--

My hot aunt had been flirting
with me, and I-- I guess I...

I wanted to see if, um...

um, but, I saw...

Wow, okay.

You saw that?

I-- I did-- I didn't--
I didn't see much.

But I just saw you on the bed,

and your dad...

I-- I got out of there.

Just dropped your purse
and ran away.

Nic, it wasn't sex.

Okay?

I want you to know
that it was never sex.

Okay.

So it-- it wasn't
sexual at all, then?

I swear I'm not judging you.

Priya...

but, can I ask,

um, did that just keep going

from-- from when
you were little, or...

No. No.

Almost never.

Almost?

Fuck, Nic...

I never wanted you to see that.

I never wanted
anyone to see that.

I mean, I know
it's not easy, but I actually,

I-- I kind of like
talking to you about this.

It-- it makes me feel
like you trust me,

and that-- that
I can trust you too.

You know,

I've never really
talked to anyone...

about what you saw.

I've never written about it
in any of my books.

I mean, I-- I've written
about the hitting

and the pleasure
it seemed to give him,

but I could never admit

just how it connected
fear and pleasure for me.

Sometimes after he'd hit me,
I'd go hide out and...

...masturbate.

Thought that was totally normal.

You know, we just-- We're kids.

We just think
everything's so normal,

and as I grew up, I just...

I realized it wasn't normal,
and what was happening was bad,

and what he was doing was bad,
and what I was doing was bad,

but...

No.

Yeah, it was bad.

I did it anyway.
I just felt like shit.

I felt dirty. I felt sick.

I felt like a pervert.

No, you weren't
doing anything wrong.

You were just a kid, you know?

I mean, I-- I think about
my kids, and they-- they're--

they're just built to love,
you know? They just...

They're meant to trust, and...

You-- you didn't
do anything wrong.

Your dad is the fucked up one.

You know that, right?

And yet you don't know it.

It's exhausting.

Seriously.

So, is-- is that
part of sex for you now?

Getting spanked?

God.

I hate that word.

What word do you prefer?

Like, whipped?

Hit.

I'm the one who gets hit.

Do you ever think
of just telling Aaron

what it is that you like?

Well, okay,
"like" is not the word I'd use.

It's, um...

I don't know. I don't know
what it is. It's maybe...

Satisfying? I don't know.

Yeah.

Aaron would never understand.

He's such a good guy, you know?

He'd never understand.

He'd think he did
something wrong. He...

I don't know.

He'd never forgive me.

I mean, my readers
wouldn't understand either.

I go around
presenting myself

as such a goddamn
feminist role model.

Hey.

Who says a feminist can't enjoy
a good spanking once in a while?

Oh, I've done enough
reading to know that

there's a version of
hitting that is about

female consent
and female empowerment

that's not connected
to trauma and abuse,

but that's not what I am up to.

Mine is deeply rooted in...

the desires of men.

It is deeply rooted in...

my fractures.

God.

Must be really...

hard to be able to do that.

Do what?

Analyze yourself.

Diagnose yourself.

It's my job.

Yeah, but, I mean...

does it leave you any room for

pleasure, or...

Hmm.

No. I guess not.

It's a shame.

I think you deserve that.

Tell me about the text you got.

Um,

so you know
how Lewis was my manager?

Um...

he's kind of...

like, my pimp, too.

I, uh,

I make most of my money
these days

as, like, uh, an online escort,

for grown-up fans of Nicki.

People your dad finds?

He kept a list over the years
of Nicki's fan club,

and, um,

he sent them
little messages saying,

"chat with Nicki."

You know, and then people
would then ask for more,

and they'd offer to pay more.

So...

- And Kristen doesn't--
- No.

-Mm-hmm.
-It's just online.

Online can be real too.

That's true.

So when Aaron is away,
do you ever...

find anyone to--
to hit you for real?

Is that something you want?

I gotta go to sleep.

Let's pick it up in the morning,
okay?

- Hi.
- Hey.

Hello.

Do you know
what this is like?

This is like the morning
after a one night stand,

when you wake up next to
someone and you're like,

"Wait, what just happened?

-Who are you?"
-Oh, my God.

I don't know how you got me to
talk so much.

Or drink so much.

Come on.
You had three glasses of wine.

Who is it?

-It's the home.
-Uh-huh.

Busy avoiding them.

-Is he okay?
-Mm-hmm, yeah, he's okay.

He's totally confused.
Deeply senile.

He keeps asking about me,

which is why they're
probably calling so much.

Yikes. When was
the last time you saw him?

Um... six months ago?

I had gone over to tell him that
I was trying to forgive him,

and he looked at me like he had
no idea who the fuck I was.

Well, I could tell my words
struck some kind of chord

'cause he started
shouting at me,

telling me to
get out of his sight.

Nurse had to lead me out
and I haven't been back since.

Yikes.

You know, the fact that
I can stay away this long

when I know that
he's dying in there

makes me feel like
a bit of a sociopath.

I had all these people,
all these survivors,

tell me how they cut off ties
with their abusers

after reading my book,

and here I am, just...

shelling out for
this high-end place.

I totally get it.

Like, my brain is
obviously very aware of

all the fucked up stuff
Lewis has done,

but at the same time,

if he hadn't found this
alternate source of income,

-I would be so broke.
-Mm-hmm.

And, uh... voil�.

-Very nice. Very nice.
-Thank you.

-Let me do yours.
-Mm-mm.

Come on. We do nails all
the time with the kids. Come on.

I'm really fascinated
by all these

-online encounters of yours.
-Mmm.

Do you like your clients? How--
how do you feel about them?

I, uh...

I like a lot of them.

Some of them, they're,
like, the highlight of my day.

The way that they...

I don't know, gaze at me,

it makes me feel
interesting and...

important.

Like you.

Have I been gazing at you?

I've been gazing back,
in case you hadn't noticed.

I see what you're doing.

What am I doing?

You're talking to me and looking
at me like I'm one of them.

One of those online
Nicki fans of yours.

You aren't a Nicki fan?

Can I ask you a question?

At that wedding,
you were coming on to me, right?

That was not just dancing.

And this weekend...

all these little moments,
like...

when you unbuttoned your blouse

when you thought
I wasn't looking.

And...

Fuck, it's Aaron.

Hey!

Why'd you do that?

-Why did I do what?
-Act all ashamed,

like I was a goddamn
porn site or something?

Because my husband called?

Look, Nic.

What we were doing,
what we were starting to do,

where you were taking us,
was not okay.

-Wait, where I was taking us?
-Okay? By any--

So you had
nothing to do with it?

-I-- I'm just saying--
-Okay, I'm gonna own it.

If I-- if I had wanted something
to happen in there, I--

Or last night. I-- I don't think

it would be anything
to be ashamed of.

We're both happy to
be married.

-I mean, at least I am.
-I'm married too.

I'm not saying that it would've
been right, I'm just saying

that there's no sense
in guilting yourself for

the wanting part of it, okay?
I feel like you work so hard

to resist all your impulses,
Priya--

-Could you just stop this?
-Stop what?

Can you just stop
making everything okay?

Will you stop collapsing every
boundary known to mankind? Okay?

We all just-- We need-- we need
structure so there's no chaos.

We need to have some rules
to live by. Okay?

Oh, my God,
you're so hard on yourself.

You're so fucking
easy on yourself!

Nic, if Aaron was ever to

find out about
whatever that was...

I-- I would never.

Look, I don't want to
blow up your life.

But is that honestly your life?

Your marriage?

You preach total honesty,

but you won't even talk
for real to your husband.

I-- I think in every marriage,

there are things
that are left unsaid.

Things like
a whole secret BDSM life?

That is not my life.

-That is not my life.
-Isn't it?

-Isn't it?
-No.

Isn't that part of
everyone's life?

The secret shit?

Because you're so honest

-with your secret shit?
-Oh, my God.

See, you don't get it, Nic.

Aaron is the one thing
that keeps me in the world,

and I can't risk losing him.

I can't risk
losing Kristen either.

I'm just saying
you need to own your shit.

Okay, fine.
Do you want me to confess?

- Yes!
- What do you want me

to confess? What-- what do you--
what do you want me to confess?

That-- that I'm not totally
honest with what I want? Sure.

That-- that something just
happened, something fucked up

just happened between us
and it was sexual? Yes.

Like all my other encounters?
Sure. Is that what you want,

that I'm not faithful to Aaron?
You happy?

Maybe you're faithful
to yourself.

- Oh, God.
- Your real self, kind of.

I can't--

I can't have that

be my real self.

Like, do you understand that?

I-- I-- That-- that part
of me is too tainted.

It-- it is just
mixed up with my dad.

That-- that part of myself
is too broken.

I-- I know what you're saying,
I know what you're trying to

get me to do,
but I-- I can't have that.

You know what? We've spent way
too much time off the record.

We're-- We gotta get back.
I-- I don't even know

if we have anything here.

I gotta find if we have
anything here, and-- and you--

you have to leave soon.
We have a timeline.

-Uh...
-Unbelievable.

Why don't we, uh, get back to

your, uh, babysitters
and-- and your baths?

Um... yeah. Let's.

- Do you...
- What?

I don't know.
Do you-- do you, um...

How long did it go on for?
The abuse.

I don't know.
Eventually they moved away.

I think I was,
like, six or seven.

Did you ever see them again?
As an adult, I mean.

Yeah, actually.
Once I saw Mrs. Ellison.

Aunt Carol, she had me call her.

Um, it was at
this big blowout party

that my dad threw for Nicki.

It was-- You know,
after the divorce,

my agent, the real agent
that I had dropped me

'cause I kept showing up late
and fucking up big gigs--

-Why did you do that?
-Mmm, 'cause I, um...

I really started to believe
my own importance in the world,

which, turns out
I'd vastly overestimated.

Is this just before you quit?

Yeah.

You know what? Fuck it.

I've never really told anyone,
not the whole thing, but, yeah.

-I can turn it off.
-Record it.

This is what you want, right?

Um...

Okay, yeah, I was at this,
uh-- this big blowout party

that my dad threw for Nicki,
and I see Aunt Carol come in,

and I-- I see that
she's kind of scared of me,

and I...

I start, like, kind of
getting off on her being scared

and I start flirting with her
pretty seriously. I'm--

I probably would've
slept with the old bag

if my dad hadn't seen
what was going on and--

and come over
and steered me away from her

and pawned me off on
the Nicki fan club, and...

I swear I never did this.
Ever. Ever.

But that night, I found myself

hitting on this kid.

I mean,
he wasn't a child by any means,

but he was definitely...

He was-- he was not old enough

for me to be flirting with,
and--

and I remember staring at
these bushes in the backyard,

and, um...

Um...

Back when I was a kid, there
was
this little neighbor girl

who was younger than me--
like, six-- and...

one time, I-- I led her
into those bushes

and we... played doctor.

But after she pulled down her
pants, she got really scared.

She just ran away

and never came back.

So I was at the party and
this kid was flirting with me,

and-- and I-- I...

I remember looking at
those bushes and...

-Did you take him there?
-No! No, no, no. I...

I almost did, but I...

I kind of...

I, like, staggered over
to them and I fell into them.

And I-- I remember

laying there and looking up at
those same fucking bushes

that I had made that girl
take her pants off in,

and I just...

I knew that

I had-- I had to get away, or...

or I was-- I was gonna
turn into one of them.

Like, a-- a monster.

And so I-- I got myself a cab

and I got to the airport
and I flew away.

-Where'd you go?
-I went to Kristen's.

She got it more than
anyone else, you know?

Just needing to...

take a break
from that whole world.

Um, I mean, I-- I think,

like, I--

I really fucking think that I--

I saved my own life that night.

And I...

I'd be lying if I said
I didn't have regrets, or...

maybe think my dad was right.

That I blew it.

Um...

Nic.

Yeah?

At the wedding,

I danced with you like that

because I wanted him
to punish me.

When--

when I was writing about him,
I was remembering all the pain,

and I couldn't really help
but remember all the rest,

and I wanted my second book
to be about that,

about all the secrets shit
that he smeared on me.

But I, uh...

I just lost my nerve, and I...

You know, it showed.

People were just disappointed
at shit that I wrote,

and so at the wedding,

I decided to throw myself
back into the lion's den.

And I thought
if I could just experience it

as an adult...

Then maybe
I could understand it.

Finally.

But it made things
so much worse.

Because I had always
felt, uh, complicit.

But I could justify it

and-- and say that I was
a kid or a teenager, but...

I was an adult.

And I am trying to

reconcile with that fact,

and I keep...

failing.

So there you have it.

That's my...
secretest of secret shit.

Uh...

Yeah.

Maybe--

maybe we could go
take a walk or something.

- Mmm.
- I, um...

I'm feeling a little fried
from the...

fighting the nerve endings
or whatever.

I, uh...

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go pee,

and then...

we can go get some
fresh, non-traumatized air.

Okay.

Nic, your phone is ringing.

It's Kristen.
Do you want me to get it?

No.
No, I'll be right down.

I danced with you like that

because I wanted him
to punish me.

When I was writing about him,
I was remembering all the pain,

and I couldn't really help
but remember all the rest,

and I wanted my second book
to be about that,

about all the secrets shit
that he smeared on me.

But I, uh...
I just lost my nerve, and I...

You know, it showed--

Look...

I've been so careful.

I've been so careful

not to record you when you
don't wanna be recorded, and...

I mean, I-- I wasn't
gonna do anything with it.

-What was this for?
-I just-- It was, like--

I mean...

I was gonna-- I was--

I was gonna maybe use it
for the show as, like, um...

like, a proof of concept
sort of thing.

You know, only if you liked it.

Which, obviously, you don't.
So, I, uh...

You were gonna use this
as a proof of concept?

Um...

You know, I-- I, uh, I thought--

I didn't--
I didn't think that...

And-- and all that stuff?
All that stuff. What was that?

The-- the seducing me and
the-- and the manipulating me,

-was that...
-No.

I'm--

It might have
started out that way,

but then, I mean, obviously
something real happened.

It-- I came into it thinking
it would be good practice,

but then I thought that--

You were seducing me
for practice?

I mean, at first, but then--
Look, can you give me the--

This is such
a fucking violation--

-Can you give me the phone?
-Nic, get away.

Do you have any idea
what you just did?

I, um...

I-- I just-- I-- I didn't
think there was any harm

-in recording it.
-No, why would you?

You're a cis white man.

No accountability for jack shit.
Why would you?

It's just that you have
all the cards here.

-What cards?
-You have-- you have this.

-That?
-You know?

That is reference audio

that you gave me consent for!

Because we're
writing a book together.

-Yeah.
-As partners.

Or we were
writing a book together.

Wait, we still are.
You can't just quit like that--

Fuck!

Okay.

You wouldn't know a boundary if
it hit you in the fucking face.

Okay.

Okay. We're-- we're--
we're done here.

-No, Priya, please.
-This is what we're gonna do.

We are going to
unlock this phone,

and we are going to
delete this video.

I don't--

-I don't think we need to--
-Nic, listen to me.

Will you please
unlock this phone?

-I'm sorry.
-Okay.

It's deleted.

Yeah.

Listen...

Hello?

Yeah, it is Priya.

Um, I know you've been
trying to reach me,

but I actually don't wanna s--

Oh. Um... Oh, okay.

Sounds good.
That is a good option.

Um, yeah, I think we should
go ahead and do that.

Next-- Thank you.
That'd be great.

Okay, thank you so much.

Okay, bye.

Was that the home?

Turns out there is
a single room that's available.

Waiting list was long, so.

He might as well be comfortable
while I'm not visiting him.

I mean,
he doesn't deserve it, but...

yeah, I guess
let him be comfortable.

Oh, Nic. Who are we
to say who deserves what?

Listen...

I feel like you've spent
all weekend, like,

trying to find the worst shit
that happened to me

so that you can link it to my
modeling career and my sex life.

Like, you're-- you're trying
to find the source of my defect,

but...

I don't know, I-- I don't
really think that I'm defective.

And... for what it's worth,

I don't really think
that you're defective either.

I just...

I hope you can detach that from
what happened with your dad.

'Cause, I mean, you gotta
allow yourself pleasure.

No matter what happened before.

Look,

I know that I've-- I've
fucked this whole thing up,

and I'm--

I'm really, hugely,

ridiculously sorry.

But...

I'm not really sorry
about the other stuff.

And I hope you aren't either.

I, uh...

Even if our book
doesn't happen--

which I think
would be a real shame--

that other book that you keep
not writing,

the-- the secretest
of the secret shit one?

I think that
would be a great book.

Thank you, Nic.

I'd buy it.

Yes,
but would you read it?

Can't promise you on that.

I don't know...

It's kind of freeing to see
that you have your own shit,

just like everybody does.

You find that freeing?

I find it depressing.

-You look kind of depressed.
-Yeah, my life's a fucking mess.

So your life's a mess.

So what?

Maybe it's not about going from
being broken to being fixed.

Maybe it's about, like...

going from broken to being
okay with-- with being broken.

Pretty astute for
a bag boy from Peoria.

Metaphorical Peoria.

-I think I'm all talked out.
-Me too.

You know what?
I've got another idea.

Oh, Nic, no. I'm sorry,
whatever you're thinking--

I'm actually-- I'm not
thinking at all, actually.

I think "Fuck thinking."

I think "Fuck thinking,
fuck talking."

Come on.

-Come on.
-Oh, no.

You're the one who wants
to live more in your body.

Come on, Priya.
Remember how free

you used to feel
on the dance floor?

You're missing out.

Come on, Priya!

Just... let go.