All language subtitles for Girlfriends Guide to Divorce s01e04 Rule No. 426.eng

Previously on girlfriends'
guide to divorce...

Jake... he's gone. I'm free.

So what about Nate, married Nate?

Having somebody like you in my life,

it's just... It's amazing.

- You look spectacular...
- Thank you.

As always. Will you please tell

my husband pajama pants are
not acceptable drop-off wear?

Do you want me to wait in the car

so you won't be embarrassed?

You never should have had kids.

What?

I'm gonna sue for full custody.

[Beep]

_

that play was amazing.

Charlie and Logan killed it,
and the production design...

Ah, breathtakingly gorgeous.

Remember when we saw
Spider-man: "Turn off the dark"?

- Both: This was way better.
- Yeah.

6-foot-tall puppets and a live horse onstage.

I don't even know how you
get a live horse on the stage.

- That's a lot of little steps.
- Mama, cookies!

Charlie, only two. You
have to go backstage.

- You have another show.
- Okay, so that horse?

Cate Blanchett's.

Mm-hmm. She's sucking up.

- May move the kids to L.A.
- She wants the kids...

She has to suck up to get the kids in here?

How did we get in here?

Well, we're biracial
gay, and you were a big...

- You are a big... you are...
- No. That was past tense.

- Do you think I didn't...
- Girl, you know you a big deal.

- Abby.
- Huge deal.

I'm gonna see you guys in a minute.

- Hi.
- Hi, that was fantastic, right?

Who knew The Pioneers could be
such amazing trapeze artists?

I think that's how they
got across the country...

Catch and release, catch and release.

You're so smart. I want
to be more like you.

- I know, honey. I know.
- I really do. I'm gonna go.

Vika and Merete are waiting. Bye.

- Bye.
- All right, bye.

[Chuckles]

God, of course Phoebe and
that euro couple are friends.

"You have great bone structure.

We have great bone structure."

- [Laughs mockingly]
- [Laughs]

Hey, what are you wearing
to the family equality gala?

Um, oh, a black strappy number

- and a healthy dose of irony.
- Oh.

Divorcees for family equality, yay.

- Is there gonna be vodka?
- Oh, yeah.

I told them we will accept
the award with honors,

but only if there's vodka for Abby.

This is why I love you.

And am I gonna be able to
meet Adele Northrop in person?

I'm a huge fan.

If you take your brother to buy a suit

that was designed in this century,

I will absolutely introduce you.

My suits are fine.

I've got two big jobs I
have to finish the plans for,

and I'm still working on the
lineup for Saturday's game.

[Cell phone chimes]

World's most dedicated
Little League Coach...

- It's ridiculous.
- [Giggles]

Whoa. Abby, you still with us?

Ooh, who got you all aflutter?

- You're flirting.
- She's aflutter.

Who... who are you flirting with?

Nobody. I'm not... I'm not.

I'm talking to Lyla,

and I'm gonna go take
Max shopping for a suit.

I'm multitasking. I'm always multitasking.

That was not Lyla.

- Mm-mm.
- That was a man.

_

[murmurs, laughs]

- Synced and corrected by martythecrazy -
- www.Addic7ed.com -

This divorce has turned into
a full-blown custody battle,

and Dan is using my work hours

against me to show that
I am an absentee parent,

and several affidavits have been filed...

[Cell phone chimes]

Including one by principal barrows

that says I have a chronic
anger-management problem.

Based on what? I might add.

I get angry from time to time, justifiably,

but I manage it.

- I manage it.
- Define "manage."

- [Chuckles]
- [Cell phone chimes]

What, are you having a relationship

with your operating system?

- No, sorry.
- You are glowing.

Not gonna lie.

So you're either flirting,

or Max has just texted
you he's not gay anymore,

and he's in love with your friend Phoebe.

[Laughs]

Okay.

[Cell phone chimes]

Nate and I have been texting, and he's...

We have carpool tomorrow together,

so we're gonna see each other.

- That's great.
- He's still married.

Yes, he is, and nothing's
happened between us.

- But it's about to.
- Stop it!

[Children shouting]

- Anouk!
- Luco!

- Don't look at me.
- Every time.

- I'm telling mom!
- I'm so sorry.

I will take care of them.

You guys, go about yourself.

You know, take... take what
she says with a grain of salt.

She has a very casual
relationship with reality.

Oh, my God.

Change of subject just for a moment.

Can you keep a secret?

- 60/40?
- Come on.

Professionally, I can,

but off the clock, it's a crapshoot, lady.

Oh, please, come on. I'm dying.

- I have to tell you.
-Okay, okay.

You know that gorgeous couple
at school, they're foreigners?

He's a Brit, she's... I don't know.

She's from somewhere that's not here.

Anyway, I saw Phoebe
today making out with Vika.

So she's into girls again?

No, no, Vika's the husband.

- No.
- Yes.

- No, Merete is the husband.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- I know Vika is the husband...
- Which one's British?

Okay, the point... The point being

Phoebe was kissing the
male, the married male.

And you're texting the married male.

Yeah, but that is not the same.

I mean, Nate and I haven't even...

Had sex.

What you're doing is
actually more intimate.

It's emotional infidelity,

and that is so brutal on the spouse.

Trust me.

Ask Jake or Nate's wife or me.

Morning, Enzo. Come on out, my friend.

I want you to have a great day.

Hi.

I got to say, wouldn't this be, like,

the greatest meet-cute

in the history of romantic comedies?

It's right out of one of your movies.

Right? Well, except it doesn't suck.

- Come on.
- No, you come on.

- No, you come on.
- No, you come on.

You come on.

Wow. You know what?

For a couple of writers,
that's some terrible banter.

Well, you're the clever one.

Be clever. Be clever-er.

I can't be clever-er 'cause
I'm distracted by you.

Nate.

Hold on.

- Hey, guys, come on out.
- Hi, Eudora.

- Zayden and Zenon.
- I love that backpack.

Go tear it up today, gents.

Okay, thank you.

All right, back to the
not-so-razor-sharp repartee.

Where were we?

There's something I need to say.

What a coincidence,

because I have something I need to say.

I think I need to say my
thing before you say yours.

Okay.

The thing is, you know
how I feel about you.

Ah, hold that thought. Sorry.

Perfect. Hey, Sarsgaard.

- You ready to have a fun day? Yeah.

You better. That's an order.

- See you later, buddy.
- Bye.

- You were saying?
- Yes.

But I get to say my thing right after.

- Right.
- Okay.

You're married, Nate.

We can't go down this road again.

I can't do it.

- "Can't do it."
- I can't do it.

Got it.

- Is that it?
- Yeah.

Wow. This is such a great reveal.

"Reveal"?

I left my wife.

[Bright music]

I'm excited and kind of terrified.

If being with Nate is half
as good as emailing him...

You sound like an eighth grader.

You're not even divorced yet.

You like?

I hate.

You know what?

I don't have to talk about Nate
if it's gonna make you all...

Abby, Abby, it's fine. Go on a date.

Just don't get married again
before you get divorced, okay?

Point taken.

And suit. Terrible.

God. You're so cranky today.

You know, I just... I
don't want to be doing this.

I don't have time to be doing
this, and I already have a suit.

Well, I should be home
writing, but I am here with you.

So, if you could just focus,
we can get through this faster.

Yeah...

I'm shopping my way to
inner peace and calm.

- How is that going?
- Eat me.

So, well. It's going well.

- Rocking the boots.
- Oh, crap.

- Jesus, God, no.
- You know what, Max?

I am not wearing this to the gala.

I just... It's for sexy time.

Diego, he just messed up
his thumb doing karate.

Karate.

I mean, it's, like, two days before a game.

- So stupid.
- Who's Diego?

He's my shortstop and my cleanup hitter.

I got to get a good
thumb protocol in place,

stem any swelling.

Charles! I'm out, I'm out.

Hey, I need you to move
all my afternoon drive-bys

and reschedule the struger meeting.

Yes, you can say it's an emergency!

It's a little league emergency.

Should that be an oxymoron?

You look like a lion tamer's assistant,

- only the lion ate your pants.
- Okay.

Or Vika likes very high
boots and very short shorts

and ventilated vintage tops,

and he's turned on by alliteration.

- Lyla.
- What?

What's going on?

Okay, Abby saw you kissing the euro hubby

at school the other day.

Wow. Thank you so much, Lyla. Unreal.

I told you, 60/40 I could
keep a secret off the clock.

It's not what you think.

I'm actually trying to
help save Vika's marriage.

Well, what are the therapeutic
qualities of your vagina

for the married couple?

I can't imagine why people think

you have anger issues, Lyla.

Okay, um, you know what?

Phoebe, why don't you buy your boots?

Yeah.

And, Lyla, why don't you
just try something else on?

I don't have anger issues.

How many times have
you said that this week?

I'm just saying I think you
should do something about it.

For example?

Find something that relaxes you...

You know, something that helps you

get rid of any pent-up aggression.

Both: Don't murder Dan.

I hadn't thought of that,

but I will take it into consideration.

But I mean, practically speaking,

with the... with the line
of work that you're in...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

- Damon Cash.
- Is that medical marijuana?

You guys, I got to go write. I love you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

No, he's my physical
therapist, body-worker guy.

He's amazing.

I'm going to text you his number right now.

So you think what I need is a back rub?

- Lyla...
- [Cell phone chimes]

Please, for the love of
God, will you just do this?

- Mm-hmm.
- It's so easy.

He's just gonna come to your house.

Yes.

Just tell him that you're my friend.

- That's all you have to do.
- Mmhmm, mm-hmm.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Okay, also, I'm gonna
get chakra realignment...

Don't... you needn't finish that sentence.

- No.
- Thought I would try that.

- You needn't.
- Okay, just call Damon Cash.

- He'll take care of you.
- Mmhmm. Mm-hmm.

Love your face.

[Alice Russell's let go (Breakdown)]

-
got to get

- _
-
Jazz away them blues

So Sidney Poitier finally
opens the envelope,

and I hear, "and the Oscar goes to... "

Bzz! Total white noise.

I can't hear anything. YouTube it.

I'm looking around like an idiot.

Oh, my God. [Laughs]

- Why are we even talking...
- No, because I've...

I've been begging you
to tell me this story.

No, I sound like such a douche.

- Oh, come on, tell the story.
- [Laughs] Okay, okay.

So I'm basically deaf.

And somebody smacks me
in the back of the head

kind of hard... Thwack and schwink.

It all comes rushing back.

Everybody's applause... And crazy.

And I turn around,

and it's Paul Newman.

Paul Newman just smacked
me... Smacked you in the head.

Back into my senses.

And he leans into my ear,
and he says, "hey, schmuck.

"You just won. Get your ass up onstage.

I got to piss like a
racehorse." True story.

Wow.

The Paul Newman part alone would
have literally melted my brain,

let alone the "I just won an
Oscar for best screenplay."

That's incredible.

Wow.

Um, that is not even

the super-secret awesome
part of the story.

Yeah, what's that?

No.

- Oh, come on.
- It's not first-date material.

All right, well, I am not gonna tell you

my "I was almost Oprah's
best friend" story,

because that's not first-date material either.

- Wait. Really?
- Yes.

Lunch, dinner, lunch
again, like, three-day bffs.

You were Gayle king for three days?

I'm telling you that if Gayle King

had been hit by a car that weekend,

I would probably be in
Aspen with Oprah right now.

That makes me very happy
for the health of Gayle King.

- Here we are.
- [Laughs] Oh.

- Perfect.
- Thank you.

Enjoy.

[Broken Bells' Holding on For Life]

I have to say that I was
actually really nervous

that we wouldn't have anything
to talk about in person,

you know, because we
shared so much digitally.

Are you kidding me? We covered everything.

- We did.
- Relationship troubles.

- Our jobs, our kids.
- Yeah.

Our peccadilloes.

- Oh, I love that word.
- Yeah, me too.

But not as much as I love
your actual peccadilloes.

Ooh, stop saying that word.

Peccadilloes.

Yeah, it's not really a sexy word.

No, it sounds kind of like
a bird with a dildo beak.

But we digress all over the place.

You know, I knew I would have
no trouble talking with you.

Do you have a problem
talking with anybody ever?

- Not really.
- No, I didn't think so.

- Yeah.
- You're a master of the word,

which is why you should tell me
your super-secret Oscar story.

Ooh, that was sneaky.

I know, I just brought
it right back around.

Yeah, you know, my sense of narrative

tells me that the Oscar story
is a post-first-kiss story.

Oh. First kiss first?

Wait, wait, wait. Wait.

First kiss in the jazz
section of a vinyl store

with a box of Kung Pao?

That's a little too Annie Hall.

I mean, classic but dated.

But first kiss at a awesome,

slightly tacky bachelor rental would work.

Are you ready?

Yeah, I am. Are you?

- I am so ready.
- Okay.

Yeah.

Um...

Weird. That wasn't good.

Yeah.

Maybe we should just try it again.

- Yeah.
- Both: Okay.

Yeah, you go right.

- I'll go left.
- Oh.

And maybe open your mouth a little bit?

Okay. Wow. You really
are a writer/director.

I am. I am.

I-I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Okay, let's just go.

- Yeah, let's just go.
- Let's just go.

- All right, all right.
- Okay.

Wow. I mean, either
I'm way out of practice,

or you have a weird mouth.

I-I do?

No, no, it's not you. It's not you.

It's, uh...

- [Sighs] Duh.
- What?

No, just, you know, first
kiss on the doorstep?

That's a little weak.

First kiss in the rain...
That would be great.

That's what it has to be.

[Laughs]

Okay.

Is that better? Not yet.

Not yet.

[Chuckles]

Oh. That's...

- That's the Bronsons' car.
- Who are the Bronsons?

Um, my son was supposed to
be spending the night there.

Ooh. Oh, boy.

Stomachache... They're dropping him off.

Um, look, I'm just not ready
for him to meet you yet.

I'm not ready to meet your kid.

I really like you, but...

This has been tremendous,
and you got to go.

Tremendous. I'll talk to you later.

Run!

And he made you run home? Classy.

No, I only ran to my car, okay?

And it was somehow very romantic.

I mean, the kissing was
weird and sort of wrong,

but in a good way, in, like, a...

In, like, a first-act
romantic-comedy kind of way.

You don't want to hear this.

You mean because Nate's the guy

that ruined your marriage?

You don't really think
that he's the reason...

The whole thing is just a little fast.

- That's all.
- Okay, well, I can't help it.

- We just click, you know.
- I get it.

I-I get it, okay? You do
seem kind of electrified.

Right?

It's like what Jake and I didn't have,

- at least not in the end.
- [Charge fanfare ringtone]

Fun, spontaneity, mutual self-sufficiency...

Hey, you.

Oh, hi, Mariska.

Okay.

Uh-huh. You know what?

Could you just put him on? Okay.

Yeah, you know, I'm just...
I'm gonna talk to him at home.

- Thanks.
- Who was that?

That was one of Ford's
assistants telling me

that there's a suit sale at Nordstrom

and to remind me that it's trash day,

and the bins should be out.

Oh.

Uh, maybe we could borrow
your divorce lawyer.

- Max.
- I'm... I'm kidding.

- Are you guys okay?
- Yeah.

Yeah, he just gets all
"Power Ford" on me, and...

It's fine.

- I have bigger problems.
- Really?

What... what... What is happening?

Cormac has no arm from center,

and if Diego's thumb
doesn't heal, we're screwed.

Aw.

Okay, well, I'm gonna
pray to the thumb gods

on Diego's behalf.

And I will pray to the love gods

that you have an amazing night with Nate.

Thanks, coach.

Your shoulders and lower back are tense.

And whenever you're
ready, you can turn over.

Huh, do you work on a computer at work?

Your hands are pretty cramped. Yeah.

I tend to point a lot and make fists.

- Oh, wow.
- Ow. Bad.

That's some pretty deep stuff there.

- See this?
- Yeah.

That's trauma.

We'll get at that.

Just try and relax. [Sighs]

Let go.

All your worries from the day ease away.

- Mm.
- Let your mind float away.

So how do you know Phoebe?

Our kids go to the same school

and divorce stuff.

[Gasps and shouts]

- Oh!
- Oh, my God!

- My nose.
- My vagina?

You said you were Phoebe's friend.

Yes, I am. That doesn't...

- That's not an invitation.
- Yeah, 'cause it's code.

That's what she told her friends to say

if they wanted what I give Phoebe.

- It's a service, you psycho.
- How would I know?

How would I know? How is this my fault?

I think I'm gonna need to go to a hospital.

I'm gonna drive you. I'm so sorry.

- No, no, no.
- No, no.

I won't hurt you. It's okay.

Just not on the carpet.

Juanita!

Yeah, but our kids are aggressively cute.

I mean, it can't be ignored.

It's like an adorable punch in the face.

Well, adorable Logan...

He just wiped his boogers
all over your phone.

Well, it's a step up from eating them.

Here you go. One for you, for you.

Go by Nordstrom?

- I already have a suit.
- Uh-uh.

I can't have my man looking all raggedy a-s-s.

- Dad, I can spell.
- My bad. Sorry.

Okay, look, I'm gonna call Mariska,

have her pick up a few
and drop them by the house.

You can pick one, okay?

Done.

- Yeah, okay, well...
- Warn me!

I had no idea that... Stop yelling at me.

Damon Cash is... Hey, hey, stop.

I said I was sorry.

If you call me a pimp
one more time, I swear...

Lyla, stop yelling at me.

You know what?

I'm gonna hang up on you now.

I was trying to help you, and I am sorry,

but you're being really mean.

[Cell phone beeps]

Nightmare. My God.

- [Computer beeps]
- [Sighs]

[Popping, beep]

[Car doors close]

Bye, guys.

- Bye, dad.
- Good night, daddy.

I love you.

- Hello.
- Hi, mom.

How are you?

Hi. This is from dad.

- Bye, mom.
- How are...

Bye.

What is it?

Leftovers dad cooked... Special for you.

What did he make?

- Um, cheese dumpling things.
- The ricotta gnocchi?

And the mushroom stuff, your favorite.

The chanterelles

with the sage brown butter
and the gooey brown sauce?

- Yeah.
- Mmm! Get over here.

It's time for me to kiss your face.

I missed you.

Okay, see you. I'll be up in a few.

[Exhales deeply, sniffs]

Mmm.

[Macy Gray's Bang Bang]

- That was a good start.
- Yeah?

Yeah. It was confident but not scary.

- Yeah.
- No, confident like Catwoman.

- Oh, Catwoman.
- Yeah.

Like Anne Hathaway, Michelle Pfeiffer.

- No, no, no.
- Both: Eartha Kitt.

- Yes, definitely.
- I love Eartha Kitt.

- Oh.
- Ooh.

- Too aggressive?
- No, no, that's good.

- Should I be more aggressive?
- I don't know, just keep going.

'Cause I can be more aggressive.

Okay.

- Keep going, just keep going.
- Yeah, keep going.

- Take these off.
- Okay.

Yeah.

- [Grunting]
- You all right?

- Come on.
- Yeah.

Here we go. Okay.

[Moans]

- [Moans]
- Oh, my God.

Yeah?

- We are having sex.
- Yeah.

You know, our first kiss...

It was weird 'cause it was weird.

It wasn't weird 'cause it was bad, right?

- It wasn't...
- Stop. Stop.

What? What?

Am I hurting you? Am I huge?

- No. No, stop talking.
- Okay.

Keep going. Stop talking.

We can talk later.

[Moans]

Does that mean I'm not huge?

I mean, I don't want
to hurt you. I'm just...

- We'll talk later.
- Okay.

I promise.

[Sighs]

[Groans]

I came. Yeah.

- You came too, right?
- Sure.

That was weird.

Weird how?

Like, from a great distance.

I get that.

Is your tongue usually that cold?

My tongue's not cold.

No, it is a little.

And your nipples are warm.
That's kind of a weird combo.

Nobody has cold nipples.
Who has cold nipples?

My wife's nipples were cold all the time.

I don't know why your
wife's nipples are cold.

Can we please just not talk about my wife?

- I didn't bring her up.
- You know what?

- Just don't, don't, don't.
- Okay.

Oh, this wasn't good.

I mean, is it awkward
because it's our first time,

or are we just physically incompatible?

I don't... I-I mean, do you
always narrate like that?

Like, do you have to comment
on all the proceedings?

I'm so sorry. It's just a habit.

You know, my wife used to say...

- Don't talk about your wife.
- Oh, right.

You know, maybe it's just, like,
a Rom-com obstacle, you know.

These two people, they're
just perfect for each other,

but they... They can't have sex.

We can have sex.

It just didn't go well the first time.

Yeah.

We can try again.

We could.

[Yawning] I'm just tired.

[Yawning]

Me too.

[Lawnmower running, dog
barking in the distance]

Good morning, sunshine.

The light's so beautiful in here.

[Groans]

You know, I was thinking it
was actually very romantic

that the sex wasn't, you know...

I mean, we spent so much time

developing this incredibly deep connection

without ever really sharing
the same physical space,

and our pheromones just
haven't synced up yet.

Shh.

Stop talking.

Oh, okay.

Mornings aren't for talking.

They're for contemplating suicide.

Wow.

Jesus.

[Gyles' Someone Like You]

Oh, my God.

Abby McCarthy.

Oh, you cannot avoid me.

Oh, I'm not avoiding, just coffee-ING.

We signed contracts.

You sent me a check. We got to get going.

I know. I've just been so
busy, on the run, on the go.

Come on, let me grab you a sec, come here.

Okay, so I got to meet Phoebe for a bite,

so I can't do any divorce talk right now,

but you really need to
call me because we need...

Well, hello, wait a minute.

Let me see here.

Your look this morning is just so very...

Last night.

Oh, my God.

Is it that obvious?

Look at you. You got laid.

Did you think about Jake during?

Did you feel guilty
after? Did you enjoy it?

Uh, okay. Um, no, no, no.

Hmm, so was it rebound sex or not so much?

You know when Harry met Sally?

Absolutely not. I hate those movies.

Well, I'm... I'm really not sure.

Honestly, I'm trying to
figure that out myself.

- That's okay.
- Finally.

- Is this the divorce powwow?
- Hi.

Guess who got some last night.

- Nate sex?
- No.

- It was Nate.
- I'm not talking about it.

- Nate sex.
- Okay.

- Dirty dog.
- I'm gonna see you later.

- I'm gonna see you at the gala.
- Yes.

I'll see you tonight. Are you going?

Oh, absolutely. I never
miss the F.E.C. Gala.

And listen, you are not
paying me to sit by the phone.

- Right?
- Got it.

- Okay.
- On it.

- Okay.
- Bye.

[Jazz music]

[Scoffs]

I have been arm candy for half an hour.

I need a break.

Let's go to the table and mock people.

I love that idea.

So your night... Was it mind-blowing?

Well, it happened.

I mean, it was a new experience.

- It was unexpected.
- Really?

How so?

He likes to talk a little
more than I like to talk.

You just got to figure each other out.

First times can be weird.

Oh, are we talking about the rebound sex?

- I want the dish.
- [Laughs]

Delia, you look stunning.

Hello, Sir. Delia Banai.

I'm representing Abby in her divorce.

- It's my brother.
- Max McCarthy. Hi.

Oh, Max, as in "Max and Ford."

Congratulations on your night. Thank you.

Yeah, you know, I have been
a supporter of the cause

for some time.

- Is that right?
- Absolutely.

Civil rights are civil rights.

It's so basic.

And you know what comes after gay marriage?

Gay divorce.

- [Laughs] That's funny.
- She's kidding.

Oh, my ass I am.

Listen, just as everyone
should have the right to marry,

everyone should have the right to un-marry

and be well represented doing so.

Excuse me. Mwah.

I wish you all the happiness in the world.

Short of that, you text me.

Jesus, what percent of
that was bull[Bleep]?

None. None percent.

She's an animal, but she's my animal.

Hi. Hello.

How's Delia? Max, welcome.

This is the table where they
stow the divorced ladies.

Come on, Max and Ford are sitting here too.

- Oh, great, great.
- Sorry, that was from before.

So they can rub their
perfect marriage in my face.

- Hey.
- Hi, honey.

- You look amaze.
- Thank you so much.

- Congrats.
- Hi.

Hey.

Where were you?

Mayor Garcetti wanted to talk Dodgers.

I'm sorry.

[Cheers and applause]

Good evening, everybody.

Thank you all for being here,

and welcome to the
Family Equality Council's

15th Annual Gala.

[Cheers and applause]

We've had an exciting year,

and we're gonna have an exciting evening

celebrating those brave pioneers

who help us lead the fight for
our most basic civil rights.

[Whispering] You have the civil right

to then fall out of love
with whom you have chosen

and question every choice
you've made prior to that.

Please welcome last year's recipient,

Lieutenant Adele Northrop.

[Applause]

Thank you all.

What a warm welcome.

You have the right to be miserable.

[Whispering] I'm so sorry. I am so sorry.

There she is.

You are a menace, lady.

You are a pimp, lady.

You punched Damon Cash in the face.

He tugged at my labial flap.

[Normal voice] I was trying
to get you some relief,

but obviously, you are
impossible to relieve.

[Normal voice] What about
picking up my dry cleaning?

- How about a Vicodin?
- You know what?

You are such a pain in the ass.

Can you please do something?

I won't try to help anymore.

- Quiet down.
- Come on.

- Let's go.
- For what?

A gift card for Barnes & Noble.

Shore up our ranks with
their financial generosity,

but who present our best face to the world.

Just take it easy.

And then she punched my friend in the face.

I didn't punch him.

It was a reflexive backhand
that connected with his nose.

Well, his nose is broken.

Oh, my God, from an
unsolicited sexual encounter.

I understand.

I know for you, all are welcome.

You know what? That is unfair.

You have no idea what's
happening with Vika and I.

- Do not turn this around on me.
- Okay, guys.

You have no idea what's going on with me.

At least I'm not home-wrecking.

"Home-wrecking"? How
about your home, Lyla?

How about you? How about your family?

- That's home-wrecking.
- Oh, my God, so clever.

People are finding each
other, falling in love,

and getting married.

[Applause]

So, for the first time,

the Family Equality
Council's Leadership Award

goes not to an individual, but to a couple.

Ford Phillips has been a
master of the marketing universe

for over a decade.

You know what? I'm done helping you.

I'm so done helping you.

- Max, come on, we're up.
- Okay, I'll be there...

I'll be there in a second.
Max, please, come on!

- Go, go, go, go.
- Max, it's all right.

Why don't you figure out what's making you

- so goddamn angry?
- That makes me angry.

Stop me telling me I'm angry.

What is there to understand?

They're about to call our names right now.

- I heard you.
- Max, please, come on!

Right now! Please just go.

- Go back inside, please.
- Max!

Ford, I'll be right in!

Can you really not understand?

No, we don't. We don't.

'Cause, Lyla, you know best, right?

[Crying] I do! In this case, I do.

So figure out a way to dial it down.

Take care of yourself

so you're not taking it
out on everybody else!

This is important.

I know it's important.

- I'm... I'm not an idiot.
- Who said you were an idiot?

You! You said I was an idiot!

Everything that I do, everything,

everything... the coaching,
working, making dinner,

it's not important to you.

You don't...

You don't take anything

that I do seriously unless it's about you.

Do you really not understand?

Dan is gone.

We used to take care of each other,

and now he's possibly
gonna take my children.

- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
- No.

No, no, no. Please, don't... no!

You got the big job,
and you got the big life,

and you... you just want
me to show up and look good.

That... that is crazy.

Sometimes I feel like

you just want to be married.

But do you want to be married to me?

[Adele speaking in the distance]

Ford and Max are not an example

of what a gay family should look like.

They're an example of what
all families should look like.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it is my sincere honor

to present this year's

Family Equality Council's Leadership Award

to Ford Phillips and Max McCarthy.

[Applause]

Ford Phillips and Max McCarthy.

[Cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Wow. Catching my breath.

Okay.

Thank you, and thank you, Adele.

My husband is, uh...

Having a wardrobe malfunction. [Laughter]

So just imagine a handsome
man in a perfectly fitting suit

standing right next to me, okay?

Max and I thank you all for coming

and thank you for battling alongside us

in the fight for family equality.

You know, when Max and I first met,

the idea of getting married...
That fantasy didn't exist yet.

Well, I mean, I was fantasizing
about doing other things...

- [Laughter]
- But not marriage.

But then as we really got to
know each other, I fell hard.

I knew this man and I... We just fit.

This man made me dream about forever.

I mean, look at him. [Crowd murmuring]

But we all know that isn't enough.

I mean, you should see him with our boys.

I dare anyone to see that
and question his right

to be a dad or our right to be a family.

[Cheers and applause]

But I will say this.

Now that we are legally
man and man and kid and kid,

the [Bleep] gets real, y'all. Whoo.

Marriage... I mean, it's
messy, and it's hard,

and it ebbs and flows,

but that's because it is
alive, and that is a good thing.

That's what taking that vow is about,

that when the fantasy is behind you,

you look your spouse in the
eye, and you say, "I do."

I do, again and again.

Max...

I do...

Always.

Thank you.

[Cheers and applause]

Now, for God's sake,
can we dance now or what?

[Cheers and applause]

[JD Samson & Men's All The Way Thru]

[Pop music]

- _
-
pushed into you

Nate?

Nate?

Nate!

Abby.

Hey, Nate.

- Sorry.
- [Machine beeps]

- Hey.
- Hi.

Oh, freeze!

Everybody, go... Go back to one, please.

And... and do it quietly.

You people are noisier than
what's going on in my head.

Sorry. Let's go, everybody.

- Move it.
- Could you find me a sandwich?

Just nothing with pink meat.

- Do you want anything?
- No, thank you.

Okay. Come with me.

Hoo. Wow.

[Chuckles] So? Hello.

- Hi.
- Ahh.

- Um, this isn't working.
- We don't fit.

[Laughing]

I mean, you can't blame
us for trying, though.

Those were really good
emails... Emails, yeah.

- And really bad sex.
- Terrible sex.

Awful. Horrible kissing.

Really bad. [Chuckles]

Oh.

I just want to say thank you.

You're welcome.

What'd I do?

For us...

Getting close.

You know, things we said,
the way it made me feel...

It just... It was a big part of my...

It really helped me realize that
my marriage wasn't in trouble.

It was over.

Likewise.

I mean, it was good.

- It was good in a lot of ways.
- Yeah.

The secret Oscar story...

We are now not only post-bad kiss,

but we are post-bad sex.

Change of subject... Very smart.

Um...

Okay.

So...

Blah, blah, blah, I get up onstage.

I go to shake Sidney Poitier's hand.

Sidney Poitier.

And I pooped my pants a little.

I mean, not a shart, no fart...

[Bleep].

I accepted the award.

I went back to meet the press,

and I stink up the place.

[Laughing]

It was hilarious.

[Laughs]

Oh.

Let's never, ever, ever have sex again.

[Indistinct chatter]

Classic story of married
boy meets married girl,

and they get divorced
and have terrible sex.

[Chuckles] It is a classic.

When Harry met Sally

and Harry talked about
pooping in his pants.

They should have made a sequel.

What would the sequel be?

I don't know.

- He's so great.
- Nate?

- Really?
- No, not Nate.

I'm talking about your brother.

Oh. Yeah.

- You're both great.
- Good stop!

[Gasps] Oh! Ah!

- Yes!
- Yeah!

What just happened?

There you go. That's
what I'm talking about.

Do you not know the rules?

- I can walk you through it.
- No clue.

There's nine players on field.

The pitcher throws to the catcher.

You know what? Actually, I don't even care.

I just want to watch
my husband do his thing.

Okay.

Here we go, Jamie.

Go get 'em, baby.

There you go! There you go!

[Beep]

[Popping]

Special order ricotta gnocchi,

chanterelles, and sage brown butter.

Thank you. It looks perfect.

[Sniffs, exhales]

My friends are onto us.

I'm not a home-wrecker.

I think we should come out to the world.

Oh, do we have to?

Can't it just be our fantasy
for a little bit longer?

Okay.

Yeah, that's fine. That's a good idea.

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