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These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:03,720 ♪ Ahh-ahh 2 00:00:03,760 --> 00:00:08,400 ♪ Don't let them go Don't let them go 3 00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:11,880 ♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it show 4 00:00:11,920 --> 00:00:15,720 ♪ Don't let them go Don't let them go 5 00:00:15,760 --> 00:00:18,640 ♪ Take a beautiful dream 6 00:00:18,680 --> 00:00:21,320 ♪ And let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow 7 00:00:21,360 --> 00:00:24,760 ♪ Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah. ♪ 8 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:28,840 SIMON: England might be cold and grey 9 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:31,200 but you shouldn't overlook its attractions. 10 00:00:32,720 --> 00:00:34,880 In the years I've been away, 11 00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:37,160 I've worked my manicured fingers to the bone. 12 00:00:37,200 --> 00:00:42,400 I'm the crown prince - well, queen - of international window dressing. 13 00:00:42,440 --> 00:00:47,080 But I'm not expecting a red-carpet welcome in my home town. 14 00:00:51,880 --> 00:00:54,400 Ah, the magnificently named Melody Crescent, 15 00:00:54,440 --> 00:00:57,080 where yours truly first sashayed down the sidewalk. 16 00:00:57,120 --> 00:00:59,480 Oh, OK, then - pranced along the pavement. 17 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:02,160 This sad-looking house was once floral and fabulous, 18 00:01:02,200 --> 00:01:04,080 home to my best friend Kylie. 19 00:01:04,120 --> 00:01:09,080 And this... yes, this is whereIstarted out. 20 00:01:09,120 --> 00:01:12,000 This was home. 21 00:01:13,040 --> 00:01:16,200 DOORBELL CHIMES 22 00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:20,560 Simon! 23 00:01:20,600 --> 00:01:22,760 What are you doing back, lover? 24 00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,320 Sacha's dumped me. 25 00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:29,560 Oh, no. Oh, my poor baby. 26 00:01:29,600 --> 00:01:31,760 SHE TUTS Who's Sacha? 27 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:35,640 Don't you follow me on Twitter? 28 00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,280 Oh, we did for a while 29 00:01:37,320 --> 00:01:40,760 but your dad's bang into Stephen Fry's quirky updates, tweet-wise. 30 00:01:40,800 --> 00:01:42,080 Who are they? 31 00:01:42,120 --> 00:01:43,960 I took in a couple of Poles, love. 32 00:01:46,120 --> 00:01:49,320 Is it OK if I just go to my room and lick my wounds? 33 00:01:49,360 --> 00:01:51,240 Is that a gay thing? 34 00:01:51,280 --> 00:01:52,920 They'll need washing. Do you mind? 35 00:01:52,960 --> 00:01:56,280 Mind? Course not. What are mums for? 36 00:01:56,320 --> 00:01:57,480 Bless. 37 00:01:59,280 --> 00:02:01,000 Paulenka? Ivona? 38 00:02:18,200 --> 00:02:21,440 On, it's nice to have you back, lover. 39 00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:23,560 Back in the bosom, so to speak. 40 00:02:23,600 --> 00:02:25,480 'Bless.' 41 00:02:25,520 --> 00:02:28,160 Oh, remember this? 42 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,720 How could I forget? 43 00:02:32,160 --> 00:02:35,560 'You know, I wasn't always a glass-half-empty, gay 20-something 44 00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,120 'with my hands in my pockets. 45 00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,880 'I was a glass-half-full teen mincing machine 46 00:02:39,920 --> 00:02:42,040 'with my hands well and truly in the air. 47 00:02:42,080 --> 00:02:46,080 'Because whereas most 14-year-old boys in 1998 48 00:02:46,120 --> 00:02:48,640 'were fancying girls and playing football, 49 00:02:48,680 --> 00:02:50,760 'me and my best mate Kylie 50 00:02:50,800 --> 00:02:53,680 'were fancying footballers and playing girls.' 51 00:02:53,720 --> 00:02:55,640 Simon, your tea's ready! 52 00:02:55,680 --> 00:02:59,200 So, how was everyone's day? 53 00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,360 Simon? 54 00:03:01,400 --> 00:03:04,240 Eugh. Well, you know Madame Bricolage? 55 00:03:04,280 --> 00:03:06,720 New French teacher with the dodgy decolletage. 56 00:03:06,760 --> 00:03:09,520 Cuts her own hair. Big fan of a clip-on earring. 57 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:14,000 Well, she turned up at school today in... 58 00:03:14,040 --> 00:03:17,440 a '70s micro safari suit. 59 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:21,440 With matching mushroom accessories, if you please. 60 00:03:21,480 --> 00:03:24,240 Oh, that is obscene. Do you mind? We're eating. 61 00:03:24,280 --> 00:03:27,080 I feel sick. Bleugh. I'm this close to retching. 62 00:03:27,120 --> 00:03:29,760 Oh, what does she think she's playing at?That is an outrage. 63 00:03:29,800 --> 00:03:32,720 I thought teachers were meant to set an example. 64 00:03:32,760 --> 00:03:36,080 What is the world coming to? That is political correctness gone mad. 65 00:03:36,120 --> 00:03:37,120 Is it? 66 00:03:37,160 --> 00:03:38,960 No, it probably isn't, is it? 67 00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:40,360 Ashlene? 68 00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:43,320 Well, you know you told me to be nice to that new boy? 69 00:03:43,360 --> 00:03:44,720 Manners cost nothing, Ashlene. 70 00:03:44,760 --> 00:03:45,440 I tongued him. 71 00:03:45,480 --> 00:03:47,800 Round the back of the Mo Mowlam Annexe. 72 00:03:47,840 --> 00:03:48,960 Oh, bless. 73 00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:50,720 And he got serious wood. 74 00:03:51,720 --> 00:03:53,080 You're all heart, Ashlene. 75 00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:54,960 Got any homework, Simon? 76 00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:58,440 Oh, yes, we have to do a project on genes. 77 00:03:58,480 --> 00:04:00,080 Now, that is a brilliant subject. 78 00:04:00,120 --> 00:04:03,880 I've got a gorgeous pair of Gloria Vanderbilts up in the loft. 79 00:04:03,920 --> 00:04:06,480 I was never out of them in the '80s, was I, And? 80 00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:09,760 Wouldn't take them off for no-one. Yeah. I remember. 81 00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,240 They're Gloria Vanderbilts, Doctor. 82 00:04:13,280 --> 00:04:16,600 Scrape or no scrape, these big boys ain't coming off for no-one. 83 00:04:16,640 --> 00:04:19,240 HE TUTS Not those sort of jeans. 84 00:04:19,280 --> 00:04:22,000 He means genes. Like, family trees and shit. 85 00:04:22,040 --> 00:04:23,920 Does your mum let you say "shit" at home? 86 00:04:23,960 --> 00:04:26,280 Nah, but she talks a lot of it. 87 00:04:26,320 --> 00:04:30,520 So, as of tonight, I'm going to be drawing up our family tree 88 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:33,480 and interviewing you all about our family history. 89 00:04:33,520 --> 00:04:35,400 ALL: Ooh! 90 00:04:35,440 --> 00:04:38,800 'Kylie's genealogy research was a rather brief affair.' 91 00:04:38,840 --> 00:04:41,400 Me mam's name were Enid, me dad's name were Roy. 92 00:04:41,440 --> 00:04:44,400 Your dad was Matt the Twat. And that's it. 93 00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,440 That's your family. 94 00:04:46,480 --> 00:04:49,000 Just get 'em off, batty bwoy. 95 00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:52,000 'Whereas, once my family started, you couldn't shut them up.' 96 00:04:52,040 --> 00:04:54,840 And he was married to Rita-Anne, 97 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,520 whose twin sister was Amy-May, or Amy-Will, as we called her. 98 00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,760 She just had the 15 boys. 99 00:04:59,800 --> 00:05:02,480 Um, Colin, Joseph, Brendan, Simeon, 100 00:05:02,520 --> 00:05:05,160 Winston, Ashton-Under-Lyme, Georgie-Porgie... 101 00:05:05,200 --> 00:05:07,720 Poor sod. Now, he really did kiss the girls and make them cry. 102 00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:09,560 He turned out to be a serial rapist. 103 00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,280 Now, your Aunty Aoife with the lazy eye 104 00:05:12,320 --> 00:05:14,480 ran away to Paris to be a Bluebell, 105 00:05:14,520 --> 00:05:17,280 which is where I think you get your love for the theatre from. 106 00:05:17,320 --> 00:05:19,680 Now, her triplets - Faith, Hope and Chamois Leather - 107 00:05:19,720 --> 00:05:21,640 had a trigamous marriage with Ernie O'Flaherty 108 00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:24,480 who used to play the spoons outside the Superquinn on Slainche Street. 109 00:05:24,520 --> 00:05:25,680 SITAR PLAYS 110 00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:29,000 And as the cold winds of partition blew across the tundra, 111 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:34,120 Daddy ran towards the helicopter and I ran after him, 112 00:05:34,160 --> 00:05:38,320 my bare feet burning on all the chilli peppers on the ground. 113 00:05:39,360 --> 00:05:41,800 "Don't leave me, Daddy," I cried. 114 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:44,360 "I am but a poor and lonely blind girl. 115 00:05:44,400 --> 00:05:47,400 "How will I cope in this newly divided land?" 116 00:05:47,440 --> 00:05:50,520 Hang on, you once told me you were born in Bushey. 117 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:53,280 MUSIC STOPS SUDDENLY Oh! I was on a roll then. 118 00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,280 Bushey by name, bushy by nature. 119 00:05:56,280 --> 00:05:58,760 Anyway, Simon, although you call her your Aunty Hayley, 120 00:05:58,800 --> 00:06:01,400 she's not your real aunty, so what's she doing in your family tree? 121 00:06:01,440 --> 00:06:04,320 Oh, no, we're allowed extended family. 122 00:06:04,360 --> 00:06:06,920 I must be about the only person in my class 123 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:08,440 with real, live, married parents. 124 00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:12,720 That caused a few raised eyebrows in school, I can tell you. 125 00:06:12,760 --> 00:06:14,800 THEY ALL LAUGH 126 00:06:14,840 --> 00:06:17,280 Married parents?! 127 00:06:17,320 --> 00:06:20,480 Freak. Weirdo. 128 00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:22,640 This is a sink estate. 129 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:27,960 How can your parents possibly be - what was the word again? - married? 130 00:06:28,000 --> 00:06:29,200 But they are! 131 00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,080 Prove it! 132 00:06:31,120 --> 00:06:34,840 So I said I'd take in a copy of your marriage certificate. 133 00:06:34,880 --> 00:06:37,560 I don't think I've got it. 134 00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:41,360 No, I think you, er, accidentally set fire to it, didn't you, Debs? 135 00:06:41,400 --> 00:06:42,640 Oh! 136 00:06:42,680 --> 00:06:45,160 ♪ Burn, baby, burn... ♪ 137 00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:47,720 'There'd always been something not quite right 138 00:06:47,760 --> 00:06:49,440 'about my mum and dad's wedding.' 139 00:06:49,480 --> 00:06:51,920 So that's your mum and dad's wedding photo? 140 00:06:51,960 --> 00:06:53,680 Yeah. 141 00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:55,400 Isn't that Princess Di's wedding dress? 142 00:06:55,440 --> 00:06:57,120 Yes, it is! 143 00:06:57,160 --> 00:06:58,520 How come? 144 00:06:58,560 --> 00:07:01,080 Well, she gave it me.Well, did she? 145 00:07:01,120 --> 00:07:04,840 Yeah. Oh, she was lovely, Diana. A real pal. 146 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:08,240 But when she died, you never once mentioned you'd met her. 147 00:07:08,280 --> 00:07:10,880 Didn't I?You know you didn't. 148 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:12,560 Oh, I'm such a goofball. 149 00:07:12,600 --> 00:07:15,480 In fact, whenever I do mention her, 150 00:07:15,520 --> 00:07:18,360 you call her a dead, parasitical, airhead bitch. 151 00:07:18,400 --> 00:07:19,960 Section me now! 152 00:07:20,000 --> 00:07:21,480 That is a terrible thing to say 153 00:07:21,520 --> 00:07:24,080 about our latter day Queen of Tarts...Hearts. 154 00:07:24,120 --> 00:07:25,600 Where'd you meet her? 155 00:07:25,640 --> 00:07:27,480 She's lying.I'm not lying. 156 00:07:27,520 --> 00:07:32,480 Well, when I was much younger, I wanted to be a ballerina. 157 00:07:32,520 --> 00:07:34,680 You're not the only one, girlfriend. 158 00:07:39,520 --> 00:07:40,760 SMASH! 159 00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,000 Simon!Simon! 160 00:07:43,040 --> 00:07:44,160 HAYLEY: Stop dancing! 161 00:07:44,200 --> 00:07:47,320 Anyway, our ballet mistress, Madame Edith, 162 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,520 said I was a bit too much of a bonny lass 163 00:07:49,560 --> 00:07:51,680 to really make it "en pointe". 164 00:07:51,720 --> 00:07:55,600 So I went and got that anorexia, didn't I? 165 00:07:55,640 --> 00:07:57,440 Cor, that's not a barrel of laughs. 166 00:07:57,480 --> 00:07:59,640 That is not a barrel of laughs, is it, And? 167 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:01,560 He isn't here. 168 00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,640 Did you really? You've never brought it up before. 169 00:08:04,680 --> 00:08:07,840 Unlike ever meal I had from '79 through '83. 170 00:08:07,880 --> 00:08:10,880 Anyway, when I got down to a very low weight, 171 00:08:10,920 --> 00:08:13,160 I think I was just under a stone, 172 00:08:13,200 --> 00:08:15,560 I started going to a support group, 173 00:08:15,600 --> 00:08:17,080 and who should be there 174 00:08:17,120 --> 00:08:19,720 but lovely Lady Princess Diana of Hearts Al-Fayed. 175 00:08:19,760 --> 00:08:21,280 She took one look at me. 176 00:08:21,320 --> 00:08:23,960 She said, "If you can get up to your target weight, Debbie, 177 00:08:24,000 --> 00:08:26,000 "I will give you my old wedding dress." 178 00:08:27,200 --> 00:08:29,760 Aren't they Princess Di's bridesmaids? 179 00:08:29,800 --> 00:08:32,240 Well, that was her all over. Give, give, give. 180 00:08:32,280 --> 00:08:33,480 Right, who wants a cup of tea? 181 00:08:36,400 --> 00:08:41,040 ♪ I love to love you, baby... ♪ KNOCK AT DOOR 182 00:08:41,080 --> 00:08:46,080 Here, Debbie, you know this erotica stuff written for women by women? 183 00:08:46,120 --> 00:08:47,800 It's actually quite good. 184 00:08:47,840 --> 00:08:51,800 What do they call it again? Clitorati? Flick lit? 185 00:08:53,680 --> 00:08:56,520 I wonder if I could read it with one hand. 186 00:08:56,560 --> 00:08:59,240 Aunty Hayley... It's the Peloponnesian Wars. 187 00:08:59,280 --> 00:09:02,760 Did my mum used to have a weight problem? 188 00:09:02,800 --> 00:09:05,240 A weight problem? Only, she said she did. 189 00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:08,320 Yeah, she was huge. She was the size of a house. 190 00:09:08,360 --> 00:09:10,920 Dumbo Debbie, we used to call her. 191 00:09:10,960 --> 00:09:13,600 In fact, she was a dead ringer for Giant Haystacks 192 00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:15,120 when she married your dad. 193 00:09:15,160 --> 00:09:16,720 MUSIC: Mendelssohn's Wedding March 194 00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:19,840 AUNTY HAYLEY: When she said she wanted roses in her bouquet, 195 00:09:19,880 --> 00:09:21,920 none of us realised she meant Cadbury's. 196 00:09:21,960 --> 00:09:24,000 But see, that's the wonder of your dad. 197 00:09:24,040 --> 00:09:26,680 He's attracted to inner beauty. 198 00:09:26,720 --> 00:09:28,480 You are stunning! 199 00:09:28,520 --> 00:09:30,280 Hurry up so we can get on with the meal. 200 00:09:30,320 --> 00:09:34,600 Dearly beloved, we are gathered here in the sight of God... 201 00:09:34,640 --> 00:09:36,040 Faster, Pastor! 202 00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,200 QUICKLY:...to join together this man and this woman in holy matrimony 203 00:09:39,240 --> 00:09:40,720 which is an honourable estate... 204 00:09:40,760 --> 00:09:42,760 SIMON: 'Over the years, my family had recounted 205 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:44,920 'the story of their big day many times, 206 00:09:44,960 --> 00:09:47,200 'and their versions rarely tallied. 207 00:09:47,240 --> 00:09:48,560 'For instance, my dad's...' 208 00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:53,120 ♪ Especially for you... ♪ FEEDBACK SQUEALS 209 00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:56,520 ♪ I wanna tell you I was feeling that way too... ♪ 210 00:09:56,560 --> 00:09:59,800 ANDY:'When I married your mother, we were bang into Kylie and Jason, 211 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:02,960 'though our mic technique left a lot to be desired.' 212 00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,480 SIMON: And don't even get me started on that mullet. 213 00:10:06,520 --> 00:10:08,640 ♪ No matter how far... ♪ 214 00:10:08,680 --> 00:10:10,760 'Then, of course, there was my mum's version.' 215 00:10:10,800 --> 00:10:12,880 MUSIC: "Relax" by Frankie Goes To Hollywood 216 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:15,920 'It being the '80s, power dressing was in with a capital P.' 217 00:10:15,960 --> 00:10:19,720 ♪ Relax, don't do it when you want to... 218 00:10:19,760 --> 00:10:21,400 No, OK, pull me, Precious Marie. 219 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,080 'But it's no laughing matter 220 00:10:23,120 --> 00:10:25,920 'when you discover your meringue's too big for the house of God.' 221 00:10:25,960 --> 00:10:27,240 ♪ Relax, don't do it... 222 00:10:27,280 --> 00:10:29,600 Andy! 223 00:10:29,640 --> 00:10:32,880 ♪ Relax, don't do it 224 00:10:32,920 --> 00:10:35,360 ♪ When you want to come. ♪ 225 00:10:35,400 --> 00:10:38,040 Hang on a sec. 226 00:10:38,080 --> 00:10:41,440 You told me before that you were wearing Lady Diana's wedding dress. 227 00:10:41,480 --> 00:10:43,080 Oh, yeah. 228 00:10:43,120 --> 00:10:45,240 God, I always get so confused about it. Um... 229 00:10:45,280 --> 00:10:48,200 It's almost like you never got married at all. 230 00:10:49,640 --> 00:10:54,200 Anyway, shall we have a singsong? 231 00:10:54,240 --> 00:10:58,160 ♪ I'm a fire starter Twisted fire starter... ♪ 232 00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,720 Oh, my God. 233 00:10:59,760 --> 00:11:02,800 Did you never get married? 234 00:11:02,840 --> 00:11:06,880 Am I...a bastard? 235 00:11:06,920 --> 00:11:08,560 SHE SOBS 236 00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:14,200 No and yes. 237 00:11:14,240 --> 00:11:16,760 I think the phrase is "gay bastard". 238 00:11:16,800 --> 00:11:18,880 ANDY AND HAYLEY: Ashlene! 239 00:11:26,840 --> 00:11:28,440 I'm... 240 00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,480 a foundling. 241 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:40,120 ♪ Where is love 242 00:11:40,160 --> 00:11:46,000 ♪ Does it fall from skies above 243 00:11:46,040 --> 00:11:51,680 ♪ Is it underneath the willow tree 244 00:11:51,720 --> 00:11:57,840 ♪ That I've been dreaming of... ♪ 245 00:11:57,880 --> 00:11:59,440 KNOCK AT DOOR 246 00:12:01,360 --> 00:12:04,120 Cheer up, girlfriend. Being a bastard rocks. 247 00:12:04,160 --> 00:12:07,200 SPRIGHTLY MUSIC STARTS 248 00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:11,600 ♪ Consider yourself at home... ♪ 249 00:12:11,640 --> 00:12:13,800 MUSIC STOPS Piss off. 250 00:12:20,840 --> 00:12:23,440 We always meant to get married, lover. 251 00:12:23,480 --> 00:12:26,520 Just, life kept getting in the way. And we were so young. 252 00:12:26,560 --> 00:12:29,160 The first time your dad stood me up. 253 00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,680 Bastard! 254 00:12:30,720 --> 00:12:33,600 No, you're the bastard. Sorry. 255 00:12:33,640 --> 00:12:36,240 Yeah. I waited and waited. 256 00:12:36,280 --> 00:12:38,160 Where was he? 257 00:12:38,200 --> 00:12:40,520 Gone to an Enya gig the night before. 258 00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,280 Got lagging drunk with some other freaks 259 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:44,360 who were into that stupid Irish bitch. 260 00:12:44,400 --> 00:12:46,280 Slept in a gutter. Not that I hold a grudge. 261 00:12:46,320 --> 00:12:47,960 My God, that's awful. 262 00:12:48,000 --> 00:12:49,280 I know. 263 00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:50,760 Dad's into Enya?! 264 00:12:50,800 --> 00:12:52,720 No, Simon, it's awful he stood me up. 265 00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,160 So, second time around I got my own back. 266 00:12:56,200 --> 00:12:58,120 Forgot to go to the registry office. 267 00:12:58,160 --> 00:13:00,280 Checked out a Kajagoogoo concert instead. 268 00:13:00,320 --> 00:13:01,920 My God! 269 00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:05,240 I thought you guys had good taste in music. 270 00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:06,960 I wasn't in my right mind. 271 00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:10,400 Anyway, then I fell pregnant with Ashlene 272 00:13:10,440 --> 00:13:13,760 and time never really felt right and I changed my name. 273 00:13:13,800 --> 00:13:15,960 I'm shocked.I'm sorry. 274 00:13:16,000 --> 00:13:17,160 Enya?! 275 00:13:17,200 --> 00:13:19,040 All right, Simon, don't kick the arse out of it. 276 00:13:19,080 --> 00:13:20,720 You're really showing yourself up now. 277 00:13:20,760 --> 00:13:24,640 MUSIC: "Too Shy" by Kajagoogoo 278 00:13:26,960 --> 00:13:29,960 CLOCK TICKS 279 00:13:31,560 --> 00:13:33,640 You're doing that thing with your foot. 280 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:36,440 That thing you do when you're really upset. 281 00:13:38,200 --> 00:13:41,960 I've only ever seen you do it three times in your life. 282 00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:45,480 The day you came out of hospital after having your appendix out. 283 00:13:45,520 --> 00:13:48,280 Do you blame me? I only went in to go carol singing. 284 00:13:48,320 --> 00:13:51,360 The night Eldoradofinished. Polly Perkins was a God. 285 00:13:51,400 --> 00:13:53,240 The Moldova massacre in Dynasty. 286 00:13:53,280 --> 00:13:55,360 I thought Joan Collins might be brain damaged. 287 00:13:55,400 --> 00:13:56,880 And now. 288 00:13:56,920 --> 00:13:59,720 You know I hated lying to the kids. 289 00:13:59,760 --> 00:14:02,000 I'm basically an honest person, lover. 290 00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:03,960 Well, now they know the truth. 291 00:14:06,080 --> 00:14:10,360 Still, Simon seems to have taken it quite well, really. 292 00:14:10,400 --> 00:14:14,400 MUSIC: "First Cut Is The Deepest" by Cat Stevens 293 00:14:14,440 --> 00:14:17,520 I'm self-harming cos I'm full of self-loathing. 294 00:14:17,560 --> 00:14:19,280 There's blood a-pumpin' 295 00:14:19,320 --> 00:14:22,760 and a-spillin' all over my Phoebe from Friendsduvet set. 296 00:14:22,800 --> 00:14:25,240 She's hilare. 297 00:14:25,280 --> 00:14:28,600 Amazing how your blood's the exact same colour 298 00:14:28,640 --> 00:14:30,720 as your mum's Hollywood Kiss lipliner. 299 00:14:33,240 --> 00:14:36,080 I know. Isn't it to-die-for? 300 00:14:36,120 --> 00:14:37,600 Cheer up, girlfriend. 301 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:40,400 One day we're gonna move to London and live where? 302 00:14:40,440 --> 00:14:42,120 Amongst the beautiful people. 303 00:14:42,160 --> 00:14:44,400 But the big question is, Kylie, 304 00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:48,720 will they accept me when they find out I come from une maison cassee? 305 00:14:48,760 --> 00:14:50,360 Une what? 306 00:14:50,400 --> 00:14:52,160 Broken home. 307 00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:53,840 HE SIGHS 308 00:14:53,880 --> 00:14:56,480 If honesty is so important to you... 309 00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,240 It is, lover. 310 00:14:58,280 --> 00:15:01,240 Then maybe I should make an honest woman of you. 311 00:15:02,920 --> 00:15:04,480 SHEGASPS 312 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:08,600 Debbie Doonan, would you do me the immense honour of... 313 00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:13,680 Pulling my leg. I've got a cramp. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! 314 00:15:15,760 --> 00:15:18,200 You were gonna ask me a question. 315 00:15:18,240 --> 00:15:20,560 I know! My feckin' leg! What were you gonna say? 316 00:15:20,600 --> 00:15:21,680 Will you thingy?What? 317 00:15:21,720 --> 00:15:23,200 Will you marry us?Marry YOU? 318 00:15:23,240 --> 00:15:24,600 That's what I said.You said us. 319 00:15:24,640 --> 00:15:26,320 Don't split hairs.Yes! 320 00:15:26,360 --> 00:15:27,960 What?Yes, you feckin' eejit. 321 00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,320 I'll marry you! 322 00:15:29,360 --> 00:15:30,960 'This was the best news we'd had in ages. 323 00:15:31,000 --> 00:15:34,040 'Now I had a wedding to plan.' 324 00:15:34,080 --> 00:15:37,720 ♪ We're starting together 325 00:15:37,760 --> 00:15:41,840 ♪ We're taking a chance on what we feel 326 00:15:41,880 --> 00:15:45,120 ♪ We're starting together 327 00:15:45,160 --> 00:15:48,680 ♪ Because we believe our love is real 328 00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:53,160 ♪ We'll promise to have and to hold 329 00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,640 ♪ From this day on until we're frail and old... 330 00:15:56,680 --> 00:16:00,240 'Flowers, champagne and fairytale dresses are easy enough to sort out. 331 00:16:00,280 --> 00:16:03,000 'But my mum's ongoing problem was her hair. 332 00:16:03,040 --> 00:16:05,800 'The only hairdresser in Reading who didn't make her look tarty 333 00:16:05,840 --> 00:16:07,400 'had recently died. 334 00:16:07,440 --> 00:16:08,920 'Or she thought she'd died.' 335 00:16:08,960 --> 00:16:10,680 Arggh! 336 00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:11,840 Argggh! 337 00:16:11,880 --> 00:16:13,400 THEY BOTH SCREAM 338 00:16:14,320 --> 00:16:15,560 THUD! 339 00:16:15,600 --> 00:16:20,560 Eh, I fan you with my People's Friend. Huh? 340 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:23,320 I am a people. This is my friend. 341 00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:25,320 Tameka.Is dead. 342 00:16:25,360 --> 00:16:28,880 I am her identical cousin, Johoyo. 343 00:16:28,920 --> 00:16:31,800 'Tameka's hair salon, Reservoir Bobs, 344 00:16:31,840 --> 00:16:34,880 'had brought a blast of colour to our dreary high street. 345 00:16:34,920 --> 00:16:38,720 'Her passing left a gap in the market for a comparably crazy crimper - 346 00:16:38,760 --> 00:16:40,880 'her identical cousin.' 347 00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:45,680 And this is Johoyo's Hair A Go-Go. Hey! 348 00:16:45,720 --> 00:16:51,200 It is a hairdressing establishment of the highest reputation. 349 00:16:51,240 --> 00:16:53,960 So-o...No. Johoyo. 350 00:16:54,000 --> 00:16:56,680 So you're a hairdresser as well. As well as what? 351 00:16:56,720 --> 00:16:58,600 A police lady? No. 352 00:16:58,640 --> 00:17:01,640 I could never squeeze a truncheon in my clutch bag. 353 00:17:01,680 --> 00:17:04,040 Same as your twin. 354 00:17:04,080 --> 00:17:06,840 Johoyo says ho-ho-ho. 355 00:17:06,880 --> 00:17:10,280 I am a brilliant hairdresser. 356 00:17:10,320 --> 00:17:13,960 Far better than that dead bitch cousin of mine. 357 00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:17,880 I cut hair off. I cut it up. I cut it out. 358 00:17:17,920 --> 00:17:18,920 Cut it out! 359 00:17:18,960 --> 00:17:21,720 All with the help of my cutty cutty boom-boom. 360 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:22,640 Scissors? 361 00:17:22,680 --> 00:17:25,760 You say potato,Isay potato. 362 00:17:25,800 --> 00:17:30,400 So, you are going to be my first customer, huh? 363 00:17:30,440 --> 00:17:32,880 Here. My first customer here. 364 00:17:32,920 --> 00:17:34,080 Er... 365 00:17:34,120 --> 00:17:36,160 Johoyo says go-go-go. 366 00:17:36,200 --> 00:17:38,640 Now! Hey. 367 00:17:38,680 --> 00:17:40,840 'If you think the cake looks crap, 368 00:17:40,880 --> 00:17:42,640 'wait till you see my mum's hair.' 369 00:17:42,680 --> 00:17:45,360 You not having a little drink, Ashlene? 370 00:17:45,400 --> 00:17:46,880 I don't feel like it. 371 00:17:46,920 --> 00:17:48,600 Oh, that's not like you. 372 00:17:48,640 --> 00:17:50,000 I ain't an alkie. 373 00:17:50,040 --> 00:17:53,120 Anyway, she's already taken six Es and a bag of crap. 374 00:17:53,160 --> 00:17:55,120 Crack. Get it right, Simon. 375 00:17:55,160 --> 00:17:58,880 Oh, are you excited about tomorrow, babes? 376 00:17:58,920 --> 00:18:01,920 Yes. Can't wait to be second pageboy slash petal girl. 377 00:18:01,960 --> 00:18:04,920 I was talking to Debbie.Oh. 378 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:08,280 Ican't wait, Hayles. And I'm really loving my hen night. 379 00:18:08,320 --> 00:18:10,960 Watching girlie movies, getting completely shit-faced. 380 00:18:11,000 --> 00:18:12,040 'Scuse language. 381 00:18:12,080 --> 00:18:15,200 Please can we watch something with Bette Midler in it? Please? 382 00:18:15,240 --> 00:18:18,120 I've told you, we're watching Schindler's List, Sophie's Choice 383 00:18:18,160 --> 00:18:19,640 and Judgment at Nuremberg. 384 00:18:19,680 --> 00:18:20,800 Nazi, but nice. 385 00:18:20,840 --> 00:18:22,440 Where are you going, Dad? 386 00:18:22,480 --> 00:18:25,320 Now, a man's stag do should remain a secret, Ashlene. 387 00:18:25,360 --> 00:18:29,120 Er, just to the Beaver. Sink a few jars with some of the lads. 388 00:18:29,160 --> 00:18:31,200 Me mum's taking a lot of mates up the Beaver tonight. 389 00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:32,920 Is she? 390 00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,280 Oh, well. Maybe we'll find somewhere else, then. 391 00:18:35,320 --> 00:18:40,400 She's going to see some band. Enyata? Enya tribute band. 392 00:18:41,400 --> 00:18:43,840 Oh, bollocks.Really? 393 00:18:43,880 --> 00:18:46,880 Andy, you can't seriously still be thinking about going up the Beaver. 394 00:18:46,920 --> 00:18:49,560 Why not?Why not? Why not?! 395 00:18:49,600 --> 00:18:51,200 Turn the clock back 18 years, 396 00:18:51,240 --> 00:18:53,960 you standing me up because of that talentless new-age nut job. 397 00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:55,920 I'm a different man now. I can handle me drink. 398 00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,480 A couple of bars of her mystical music, 399 00:18:57,520 --> 00:19:00,280 you'll be back under her spell again.Debbie, you're overreacting. 400 00:19:00,320 --> 00:19:02,240 It's not even the same person. 401 00:19:02,280 --> 00:19:03,880 I forbid you to walk out that door. 402 00:19:03,920 --> 00:19:05,320 Yeah, but I'm meeting the lads. 403 00:19:05,360 --> 00:19:08,720 Debbie. Get a grip. 404 00:19:10,080 --> 00:19:11,680 What am I gonna do, Hayles? 405 00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:12,920 DOOR CLOSES 406 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:15,080 We are gonna carry on with your hen night, darling, 407 00:19:15,120 --> 00:19:16,280 that's what we're gonna do. 408 00:19:16,320 --> 00:19:18,840 But this is Enya we're talking about. 409 00:19:18,880 --> 00:19:23,840 WOMAN: Hello, I'm Enyata, your very own Enya tribute act. 410 00:19:23,880 --> 00:19:26,680 Hold onto your unicorns. 411 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:30,720 I'm gonna sing me first song Orinoco Ho. 412 00:19:30,760 --> 00:19:32,960 Enya's skinny.Leave it. 413 00:19:33,000 --> 00:19:37,760 ♪ In a boat, in a boat, in a boat upon the ocean 414 00:19:37,800 --> 00:19:39,720 ♪ If you're scared, if you're scared 415 00:19:39,760 --> 00:19:41,720 ♪ You might pass a nutty motion 416 00:19:41,760 --> 00:19:46,400 ♪ If it hurts, if it hurts, please be sure to use some lotion... ♪ 417 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:50,680 'While my father had apparently put beer goggles on for the Orinoco Ho, 418 00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:54,320 'on the other side of town, my mum was in a more sober mood, 419 00:19:54,360 --> 00:19:58,800 'reflecting on a future abandoned, alone, unloved.' 420 00:20:00,680 --> 00:20:05,160 ♪ Well, where did you go? 421 00:20:05,200 --> 00:20:11,320 ♪ When things went wrong, baby? 422 00:20:11,360 --> 00:20:16,000 ♪ Who did you run to 423 00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:23,000 ♪ To find a shoulder to lay your head upon? 424 00:20:24,360 --> 00:20:29,560 ♪ Baby, wasn't I there? 425 00:20:29,600 --> 00:20:36,480 ♪ And didn't I take good care of you? 426 00:20:36,520 --> 00:20:41,440 ♪ Oh, no, I can't believe you're leaving me 427 00:20:41,480 --> 00:20:46,000 ♪ Oh, no, no 428 00:20:46,040 --> 00:20:50,480 ♪ Oh, stay with me, baby 429 00:20:51,520 --> 00:20:56,720 ♪ Stay with me, baby 430 00:20:56,760 --> 00:21:02,600 ♪ Stay with me, baby 431 00:21:02,640 --> 00:21:08,320 ♪ I can't go on... 432 00:21:13,280 --> 00:21:14,840 You're getting married in the morning? 433 00:21:14,880 --> 00:21:17,480 Ding, dong, the bells are going to chime. 434 00:21:17,520 --> 00:21:20,080 I don't suppose you fancy a last little fling 435 00:21:20,120 --> 00:21:22,160 with a purty Irish megastar, do you? 436 00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,480 Show me where she is and I might just have a ride. 437 00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:27,720 Oh, you're a silver-tongued devil. 438 00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:35,880 Give us a kiss. 439 00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,400 No, get your hands off! 440 00:21:37,440 --> 00:21:38,760 Get off him! 441 00:21:38,800 --> 00:21:41,040 What have you got in that handbag? A brick? 442 00:21:41,080 --> 00:21:42,600 Have you got a problem with that? 443 00:21:42,640 --> 00:21:46,480 Lads, thanks for the drink and everything. 444 00:21:46,520 --> 00:21:49,120 Everything? Have youse got a line? 445 00:21:49,160 --> 00:21:50,760 I'm gaggin'. 446 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,480 I've got a wedding to get to. 447 00:21:53,520 --> 00:21:57,040 And this time I'm not gonna miss it for the world. 448 00:22:13,040 --> 00:22:15,320 Argh! Oh! 449 00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,240 So what theme did you go for again? 450 00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:37,600 The Sound of Music. Oh. And who am I again? 451 00:22:37,640 --> 00:22:39,760 Captain Von Trapp. Oh! 452 00:22:39,800 --> 00:22:42,480 Is that...? Shut it, batty bwoy. 453 00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:45,800 Whoo! Whoo, yes. 454 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:52,800 I'm not too late, am I? 455 00:22:52,840 --> 00:22:54,320 Who invited you? 456 00:22:54,360 --> 00:22:57,040 You did, you drunken old eejit. 457 00:22:57,080 --> 00:23:01,400 Now, come on. I want front-row seats. The groom is a dirty great ride. 458 00:23:03,440 --> 00:23:07,480 'Critics might say I ordered a tad too much material for the dress 459 00:23:07,520 --> 00:23:09,600 'but, hey, at least I gave my mum 460 00:23:09,640 --> 00:23:12,840 'one of the greatest train journeys in the world.' 461 00:23:17,600 --> 00:23:20,600 UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS INSIDE 462 00:23:24,120 --> 00:23:28,080 ♪ I got the music in me I got the music in me 463 00:23:28,120 --> 00:23:31,080 ♪ I got the music in me! Whoo... ♪ 464 00:23:31,120 --> 00:23:32,920 Thank you, Enyata. 465 00:23:32,960 --> 00:23:34,720 HE SQUEALS 466 00:23:34,760 --> 00:23:37,200 And now, ladies and gentlemen, 467 00:23:37,240 --> 00:23:40,320 my son Simon is gonna mark the occasion 468 00:23:40,360 --> 00:23:41,960 with a special wedding dance 469 00:23:42,000 --> 00:23:43,680 with his friend Kylie. 470 00:23:43,720 --> 00:23:48,440 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Spirit Of The Bride. 471 00:23:48,480 --> 00:23:51,480 TANGO MUSIC PLAYS 472 00:24:05,760 --> 00:24:08,320 Genius. He gets his twinkle toes from me. 473 00:24:10,120 --> 00:24:12,560 Andy, I'm not wearing any pants. 474 00:24:16,320 --> 00:24:18,240 Ashlene, put that out. 475 00:24:18,280 --> 00:24:19,760 Why? 476 00:24:19,800 --> 00:24:21,440 Because I'm your da and I say so. 477 00:24:21,480 --> 00:24:23,480 Shut up.What? 478 00:24:23,520 --> 00:24:25,520 I'm 16, I'm a grown-up. 479 00:24:25,560 --> 00:24:27,120 Are you shite. You're a little girl. 480 00:24:27,160 --> 00:24:29,160 Oh, am I?You're my baby. 481 00:24:29,200 --> 00:24:30,480 Oh, just put it out, Ashlene. 482 00:24:30,520 --> 00:24:32,200 If I'm a little girl... Which you are. 483 00:24:32,240 --> 00:24:33,560 Then how comes I'm pregnant? 484 00:24:33,600 --> 00:24:35,680 MUSIC STOPS, THEY GASP 485 00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:42,080 Andy, sometimes squeezing a strange woman's breasts 486 00:24:42,120 --> 00:24:44,880 can be handy at a time like this. 487 00:24:44,920 --> 00:24:47,160 Keep going. Dr Footlights will see us through. 488 00:24:47,200 --> 00:24:49,040 MUSIC RESUMES 489 00:24:49,080 --> 00:24:50,240 Lucky cow. 490 00:24:50,280 --> 00:24:51,920 Whose is it? 491 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:53,480 An unmarried mother? 492 00:24:53,520 --> 00:24:56,000 Er, pot, kettle, black. 493 00:24:56,040 --> 00:24:58,440 I was in a loving, committed relationship when I had you. 494 00:24:58,480 --> 00:25:00,360 Debbie, calm down. I'll look after it. 495 00:25:00,400 --> 00:25:01,800 And you're not being much help. 496 00:25:01,840 --> 00:25:06,800 Oh, shut up, Debbie. Just have a drink and steady your nerves. 497 00:25:06,840 --> 00:25:09,440 Look, she's pregnant. There's not a lot we can do about that now. 498 00:25:09,480 --> 00:25:10,480 We can't exactly... 499 00:25:10,520 --> 00:25:13,280 Resew the hymen after the horse has bolted... 500 00:25:13,320 --> 00:25:15,400 HE RETCHES...sort of thing. 501 00:25:15,440 --> 00:25:17,120 Are you keeping it?Yeah. 502 00:25:19,400 --> 00:25:22,080 Another drink, Hayley. YOU ain't blind. 503 00:25:22,120 --> 00:25:24,000 No, but I'm gonna get blind bloody drunk. 504 00:25:27,040 --> 00:25:29,280 Hey, is that blind one all right? 505 00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:31,560 She always gets maudlin when she's on the gin. 506 00:25:41,960 --> 00:25:45,880 'So, the wedding day had proved to be memorable. 507 00:25:45,920 --> 00:25:48,680 'And it didn't stop there.' 508 00:25:48,720 --> 00:25:51,840 I quite like being a bastard. 509 00:25:51,880 --> 00:25:54,520 It means you get to go to your own parents' wedding. 510 00:25:54,560 --> 00:25:56,320 Freak. 511 00:26:00,840 --> 00:26:03,000 I'm a mother-to-be, Simon. 512 00:26:03,040 --> 00:26:05,960 I'll smoke inside the house cos if I smoke outside 513 00:26:06,000 --> 00:26:07,480 it might harm the baby. 514 00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:10,040 Do you really not know who the dad is? 515 00:26:10,080 --> 00:26:11,520 Course I know. 516 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:14,400 Only he don't wanna. 517 00:26:15,600 --> 00:26:19,880 I just want you to know that if it's a girl, 518 00:26:19,920 --> 00:26:22,480 I'm gonna call it Simon. 519 00:26:22,520 --> 00:26:24,000 Really? 520 00:26:24,040 --> 00:26:25,600 Piss off! 521 00:26:28,080 --> 00:26:31,080 TOILET FLUSHES 522 00:26:37,760 --> 00:26:40,400 Which clever dick moved my bed, eh? 523 00:26:52,440 --> 00:26:56,880 Jeez, Debbie, you've put on a bit of weight. 524 00:26:58,160 --> 00:27:01,080 Could have had a little shave for your wedding night. 525 00:27:01,120 --> 00:27:05,840 That is one hell of a hairy growler. HE CHUCKLES 526 00:27:05,880 --> 00:27:10,080 THEY BOTH GRUNT 527 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,120 SHE SCREAMS 528 00:27:15,160 --> 00:27:17,840 THEY BOTH SCREAM 529 00:27:19,960 --> 00:27:22,760 Rape! Rape! 530 00:27:22,800 --> 00:27:26,560 Andy interfered with me. I thought it was you, Debbie. 531 00:27:26,600 --> 00:27:29,120 He touched me where I haven't been touched since Greenham. 532 00:27:29,160 --> 00:27:31,320 She climbed into the bloody bed with me. 533 00:27:31,360 --> 00:27:33,960 You did what? I thought it was you. 534 00:27:34,000 --> 00:27:35,600 I couldn't see where I was going. 535 00:27:35,640 --> 00:27:38,480 Oh, right, the minute my back's turned and look what you do. 536 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:42,000 I am a victim of abuse here. He's defiled me. 537 00:27:42,040 --> 00:27:44,040 Put a sock in it, Hayley. I bet you loved it. 538 00:27:44,080 --> 00:27:47,040 You are a poor excuse for a woman, Debbie. 539 00:27:47,080 --> 00:27:49,120 Yeah, well, at least I'm not a bed-hopping slut. 540 00:27:49,160 --> 00:27:51,960 Drop dead, Grandma! 541 00:27:58,120 --> 00:28:00,240 SIMON CHOKES Oh, my God. 542 00:28:00,280 --> 00:28:02,320 Oh, my God, Simon's swallowed the groom. 543 00:28:02,360 --> 00:28:05,160 'And that certainly wouldn't be the last time.' 544 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:07,240 Heimlich manoeuvre. Heimlich manoeuvre. 545 00:28:10,360 --> 00:28:12,640 QUIET SINGING NEARBY 546 00:28:12,680 --> 00:28:14,160 What's that noise? 547 00:28:14,200 --> 00:28:15,720 Polish washing song. 548 00:28:15,760 --> 00:28:18,760 THUDDING Pole dancing? 549 00:28:20,080 --> 00:28:22,600 Oh, I ain't half missed you, Simon. 550 00:28:22,640 --> 00:28:24,440 How long are you here for? 551 00:28:24,480 --> 00:28:26,960 The world's my oyster. 552 00:28:27,000 --> 00:28:28,160 Stay. 553 00:28:31,160 --> 00:28:34,520 ♪ Ahh-ahh 554 00:28:34,560 --> 00:28:39,480 ♪ Don't let them go Don't let them go 555 00:28:39,520 --> 00:28:43,480 ♪ Take a beautiful dream and let it show 556 00:28:43,520 --> 00:28:47,800 ♪ Don't let them go Don't let them go 557 00:28:47,840 --> 00:28:49,880 ♪ Take a beautiful dream 558 00:28:49,920 --> 00:28:53,160 ♪ And let it grow, grow, grow, grow, grow. ♪ 559 00:28:53,210 --> 00:28:57,760 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 41952

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