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1
00:00:00,220 --> 00:00:02,740
("Jah No Partial"
by Major Lazer plays)
2
00:00:06,460 --> 00:00:10,700
Look, I know how much you hate the
idea of Celia and I being an item.
3
00:00:10,740 --> 00:00:12,740
It was moment of madness.
4
00:00:12,780 --> 00:00:16,180
One too many glasses of rose,
the red mist descends and,
5
00:00:16,220 --> 00:00:20,340
before you know it, you're giving
an old friend a... knee-trembler.
6
00:00:20,380 --> 00:00:22,940
Right, stop the car.
7
00:00:22,980 --> 00:00:24,740
Pull over.
8
00:00:26,340 --> 00:00:30,020
I miss the touch of a woman, Alf.
Celia made me feel so alive.
9
00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:33,100
Her eyes, her touch, her musk.
10
00:00:33,140 --> 00:00:35,860
If it's any consolation,
it didn't last long.
11
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:39,540
She gave my prostate the once-over.
Apparently, it's tip-top.
12
00:01:11,660 --> 00:01:14,500
Hey, Rosie!
I, er, got you a little present.
13
00:01:14,540 --> 00:01:16,220
Oh, friendship bracelet?
14
00:01:16,260 --> 00:01:17,820
It's just a silly little thing,
15
00:01:17,860 --> 00:01:19,900
to remind you that
I'll always be here for you,
16
00:01:19,940 --> 00:01:22,260
no matter what, for ever more.
17
00:01:22,300 --> 00:01:23,420
It's no biggie.
18
00:01:23,460 --> 00:01:25,620
You cut it off, I die.
19
00:01:26,700 --> 00:01:28,180
Thanks.
20
00:01:28,220 --> 00:01:31,660
Oh, erm, Celia, Fraser's giving
the drugs counsellor a lift,
21
00:01:31,700 --> 00:01:35,820
and they're stuck on the M25,
so we might need a back-up plan.
22
00:01:35,860 --> 00:01:38,780
It's drugs awareness day?
AKA doss day!
23
00:01:38,820 --> 00:01:42,220
Show the kids a couple of pictures
of a dead junkie, and then chill out.
24
00:01:42,260 --> 00:01:45,020
Well, I've actually prepared
a proper presentation on drugs...
25
00:01:45,060 --> 00:01:46,860
Oh, no, Rosie. It's a chore.
26
00:01:46,900 --> 00:01:48,980
Leave it to the most senior
member of staff.
27
00:01:49,020 --> 00:01:51,380
No, it's fine, Celia.
I'm going to talk about drug mules,
28
00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:53,260
and the Taliban,
and the US government...
29
00:01:53,300 --> 00:01:55,220
Woo, yeah! You go, sister!
30
00:01:55,260 --> 00:01:57,260
I blame Starbucks. Mmm.
31
00:01:57,300 --> 00:01:59,420
No, Israel.
32
00:02:00,740 --> 00:02:02,020
Lizards?
33
00:02:02,060 --> 00:02:05,260
Really, Rosie,
take a well-earned break.
34
00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:07,180
Read a fashion magazine.
35
00:02:07,220 --> 00:02:10,340
Flesh tones can be
so brutally honest.
36
00:02:12,780 --> 00:02:15,660
I am fully equipped
to give this talk.
37
00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:18,420
Well, maybe you'd like to borrow
a pair of these...
38
00:02:18,460 --> 00:02:20,580
It's a talk, Celia, not Customs.
39
00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:24,980
Well, it seems a shame
for them to go to waste.
40
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:27,580
Alfred, I've already given
your father's a once-over,
41
00:02:27,620 --> 00:02:30,300
would you like me
to test your prostate?
42
00:02:38,980 --> 00:02:40,540
What's happened?
43
00:02:40,580 --> 00:02:41,740
It's his parents.
44
00:02:41,780 --> 00:02:44,020
They're taking me away
from Abbey Grove.
45
00:02:44,060 --> 00:02:45,900
They say it's not academical enough.
46
00:02:45,940 --> 00:02:48,700
What? You... you can't leave!
47
00:02:48,740 --> 00:02:50,940
Have your parents
even seen the league tables?
48
00:02:50,980 --> 00:02:52,900
What, the league tables
in which we're ranked
49
00:02:52,940 --> 00:02:54,820
below two orphanages and a kennels?
50
00:02:54,860 --> 00:02:57,340
They want me to become
some boring lawyer.
51
00:02:57,380 --> 00:02:59,940
Sir, are you
and Miss Gulliver cool at the mo?
52
00:02:59,980 --> 00:03:02,860
Yeah. I mean, she's split up
with Alex, and I reckon I've got
53
00:03:02,900 --> 00:03:06,460
just about enough time to seduce her
before she remembers her self-worth.
54
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:09,460
Going to give her a knob to cry on,
sir? Oh, no, sorry, Mitchell.
55
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:11,900
I think your mum's
consoling herself on it tonight.
56
00:03:11,940 --> 00:03:13,220
Sir, can you ask Miss Gulliver
57
00:03:13,260 --> 00:03:15,220
to persuade my parents
to let me stay here?
58
00:03:15,260 --> 00:03:17,060
Er, why can't I persuade them?
59
00:03:17,100 --> 00:03:19,820
Cos you'll mess it up, sir.
But I'm great with parents!
60
00:03:19,860 --> 00:03:22,780
Every time you see my parents,
you insist on taking your shoes off.
61
00:03:22,820 --> 00:03:25,380
Yeah. And I bow. Respectful.
62
00:03:27,740 --> 00:03:30,020
Oh, xie xie. Ni hao.
63
00:03:30,060 --> 00:03:32,900
When my mum came in to talk
about me bunking off school,
64
00:03:32,940 --> 00:03:34,940
you asked her
if you could use a clamp.
65
00:03:34,980 --> 00:03:37,860
Yeah, well it's either that or
putting the whole school on stilts.
66
00:03:37,900 --> 00:03:40,060
But Miss Gulliver's
really persuasive.
67
00:03:40,100 --> 00:03:41,300
Persuasive?
68
00:03:41,340 --> 00:03:43,900
Look, I'm sorry, if you want to be
inspired to be a lawyer,
69
00:03:43,940 --> 00:03:45,420
look no further, my friend.
70
00:03:45,460 --> 00:03:49,140
Last year I took on BP, only one
of the world's largest corporations,
71
00:03:49,180 --> 00:03:52,060
and I thrashed them,
on my own, in a court of law.
72
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:55,140
How much did you win?
Well, I didn't win any actual money,
73
00:03:55,180 --> 00:03:58,180
but you know the Wild Bean Cafe
in Tring?
74
00:03:58,220 --> 00:04:01,620
They now have to have a sign
on their coffee machine which reads,
75
00:04:01,660 --> 00:04:04,780
"Please do not drink
directly from the nozzle."
76
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:12,260
So, my place tonight, hang out,
listen to a bit of reggae music?
77
00:04:12,300 --> 00:04:13,620
You don't like reggae.
78
00:04:13,660 --> 00:04:15,740
Er, Ollie Murs?
79
00:04:15,780 --> 00:04:18,620
Alfie, I'm sorry. I'm just
not ready to see anyone yet.
80
00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:21,500
I wasn't asking you out!
81
00:04:21,540 --> 00:04:23,900
Hey, if you need any help
with your presentation,
82
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,353
don't be afraid to ask,
83
00:04:25,393 --> 00:04:29,294
cos, obviously,
I know quite a lot about drugs.
84
00:04:29,333 --> 00:04:33,193
You took one anti-depressant when
you heard that 5ive had broken up.
85
00:04:33,233 --> 00:04:34,825
5ive'll make you get down.
86
00:04:34,865 --> 00:04:37,889
Yeah, well, you're still
not that qualified. Oh, really?
87
00:04:37,929 --> 00:04:41,908
My friend Atticus Hoye
once took me to a poppers den.
88
00:04:41,948 --> 00:04:45,172
You don't get a den for poppers.
Well, that shows how much you know.
89
00:04:45,212 --> 00:04:47,958
All these naked guys
injecting themselves with poppers
90
00:04:47,998 --> 00:04:50,425
by sitting on these big
rubber needles.
91
00:04:50,465 --> 00:04:52,654
Atticus,
he couldn't get enough of it.
92
00:04:52,694 --> 00:04:55,917
You know what they say,
once you pop you just can't stop.
93
00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:01,238
So if you, er,
change your mind about tonight...?
94
00:05:01,278 --> 00:05:03,038
I won't.
Well, you might.
95
00:05:03,078 --> 00:05:05,518
I absolutely won't.
Absolutely might.
96
00:05:09,396 --> 00:05:12,035
OK, guys, so there's going to be
no history class today.
97
00:05:13,396 --> 00:05:15,634
I'm going to do my drugs
presentation,
98
00:05:15,675 --> 00:05:18,393
followed by a question and answer.
I got a question, Miss. Yep?
99
00:05:18,433 --> 00:05:21,793
Is it true police dogs can't smell skunk
if you put it in a bottle of Femfresh?
100
00:05:21,833 --> 00:05:24,071
Yep. I sincerely doubt it.
101
00:05:24,111 --> 00:05:26,791
Oh, man! Does anyone want
some Femfresh?
102
00:05:26,830 --> 00:05:28,310
Oh, yeah. I'll take it.
103
00:05:28,350 --> 00:05:30,351
My flat gets really smelly.
104
00:05:30,390 --> 00:05:32,150
Do you even know what Femfresh is?
105
00:05:32,190 --> 00:05:34,148
It's... like Febreze, right?
106
00:05:34,189 --> 00:05:36,309
Yeah,
it makes your curtains smell nice!
107
00:05:37,908 --> 00:05:42,307
OK, guys. OK, calm down.
That's enough.
108
00:05:47,946 --> 00:05:51,864
Now, can anyone ima...
109
00:05:51,905 --> 00:05:57,183
imagine how hard
life must be for Maria,
110
00:05:57,222 --> 00:05:59,663
a drug mule from Mexico?
111
00:05:59,702 --> 00:06:01,062
Whoa, yeah!
112
00:06:01,102 --> 00:06:03,021
If I was eating Mexican food
every day,
113
00:06:03,061 --> 00:06:05,421
I don't think I'd be able
to keep ANYTHING in my ass.
114
00:06:07,180 --> 00:06:09,300
What do people like Maria need?
115
00:06:09,340 --> 00:06:12,179
Hair straighteners?
Look at the split ends on that!
116
00:06:12,219 --> 00:06:15,019
True dat. And maybe some make-up
to sort out this car crash.
117
00:06:15,059 --> 00:06:16,418
No, no.
118
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:19,457
What people like Maria
need is our respect.
119
00:06:19,497 --> 00:06:22,056
Gs, Hustlers, crisis averted.
120
00:06:22,096 --> 00:06:24,815
Your drugs counsellor... has arrived!
121
00:06:24,855 --> 00:06:27,975
Oh, no, no, no, no, cos
I'm in the middle of my drugs talk.
122
00:06:28,015 --> 00:06:29,333
Oh, that's very sweet, Miss G,
123
00:06:29,374 --> 00:06:31,534
but I have a professional
up my wizard's sleeve!
124
00:06:31,574 --> 00:06:33,293
Guys, meet India.
125
00:06:40,770 --> 00:06:42,370
Namaste.
126
00:06:42,410 --> 00:06:44,570
I'm India.
127
00:06:44,610 --> 00:06:46,890
Hi. Alfie.
128
00:06:46,930 --> 00:06:49,849
Teacher, leader...
129
00:06:49,889 --> 00:06:51,209
legend.
130
00:06:52,288 --> 00:06:53,887
India, you say?
131
00:06:53,928 --> 00:06:55,768
Land of the pyramids.
132
00:06:55,807 --> 00:06:57,927
I'm something of a sphinx-er myself.
133
00:06:57,966 --> 00:07:00,285
Sorry, did you just say 'sphinx-er'?
134
00:07:00,325 --> 00:07:03,725
OK, so I cotch for the drugs
counselling service
135
00:07:03,765 --> 00:07:05,484
called Vibesline.
136
00:07:05,523 --> 00:07:06,963
We're an advice pipeline
137
00:07:07,003 --> 00:07:10,003
you can use to freebase
non-judgmental advice...
138
00:07:10,043 --> 00:07:12,843
I'm sorry, can we lose the fat girl?
139
00:07:14,482 --> 00:07:16,921
Cartel got her. Buried in the ditch.
140
00:07:16,960 --> 00:07:19,760
Basically, if it's vibesing,
141
00:07:19,800 --> 00:07:22,280
chillax and ride the wave.
142
00:07:24,160 --> 00:07:25,759
She calls me that, too.
143
00:07:25,799 --> 00:07:29,398
It's Chinese for
"leader of the blind,"
144
00:07:29,437 --> 00:07:32,077
"up the great mountain of wisdom."
145
00:07:32,117 --> 00:07:35,476
Sort of... roughly.
146
00:07:35,517 --> 00:07:39,875
Thanks, babe. I'm here to talk to
you about the dark side of drugs.
147
00:07:50,593 --> 00:07:53,190
OK, yah!
You're having a massive night!
148
00:07:53,231 --> 00:07:57,430
The sun is coming up!
You are totally chunged.
149
00:08:11,547 --> 00:08:13,226
But the good times are over.
150
00:08:13,266 --> 00:08:15,906
Now we have to deal with
the terrible consequences
151
00:08:15,946 --> 00:08:17,385
of substance abuse.
152
00:08:18,905 --> 00:08:22,144
You can't find your Oyster card.
It's a long walk back to Chiswick.
153
00:08:22,183 --> 00:08:23,582
(Where's Chiswick?)
154
00:08:23,623 --> 00:08:26,983
You, you lost an earring your
grandmother left you in her will.
155
00:08:27,023 --> 00:08:29,863
That is 45 minutes looking for it
on your hands and knees,
156
00:08:29,902 --> 00:08:31,581
using your phone as a torch.
157
00:08:31,621 --> 00:08:33,140
And you...
158
00:08:33,181 --> 00:08:36,219
you kissed the guy who runs
the deli you go into every day.
159
00:08:36,259 --> 00:08:38,779
Fraser, this is nonsense.
160
00:08:38,819 --> 00:08:40,538
Nonsense?
161
00:08:40,578 --> 00:08:43,337
Mmm. FYI, you're a real NEGATUDE.
162
00:08:43,378 --> 00:08:44,818
Sorry, "negatude"?
163
00:08:44,858 --> 00:08:47,296
"Negative attitude." It's a mashup.
164
00:08:47,337 --> 00:08:49,376
Yeah, it's a mashup.
165
00:08:49,417 --> 00:08:51,615
Get with the times, Marple.
166
00:08:57,615 --> 00:08:59,934
That was the most pathetic thing
I've ever seen.
167
00:08:59,973 --> 00:09:01,973
I actually thought India
was kinda good.
168
00:09:02,013 --> 00:09:04,533
I'm talking about you.
"Teacher, leader, legend."
169
00:09:04,572 --> 00:09:09,172
Oh, yeah, I forgot "visionary".
Look, I just... got into her vibe.
170
00:09:09,211 --> 00:09:11,651
I know exactly
what you want to get into.
171
00:09:11,691 --> 00:09:15,050
Are you jealous?
Why would I be jealous of "Ind-jah"?
172
00:09:15,089 --> 00:09:17,169
You sound JELICULOUS.
173
00:09:17,210 --> 00:09:20,409
"Jealous" and "ridiculous". Mashup.
174
00:09:20,449 --> 00:09:24,487
You should stop doing that. You're
beginning to sound like a bit of a TWUNT.
175
00:09:26,727 --> 00:09:29,486
Oh, that is so uncalled-for!
176
00:09:29,526 --> 00:09:30,965
Hey!
177
00:09:31,005 --> 00:09:32,605
Oh, soz, bit of a domestic?
178
00:09:32,644 --> 00:09:35,124
A domestic? No, we're not a couple.
179
00:09:35,164 --> 00:09:37,363
No, don't worry, I'm single.
180
00:09:37,403 --> 00:09:40,683
I'm young, dumb and full of com...
181
00:09:40,723 --> 00:09:42,642
...fortable silences.
182
00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:44,922
Do you want to hit the canteen,
maybe?
183
00:09:44,962 --> 00:09:47,000
Oh, it's pathetic.
184
00:09:47,040 --> 00:09:50,840
Come on, let's go and have
a "lovely lunch",
185
00:09:50,880 --> 00:09:52,919
a LUNCH...
186
00:09:54,559 --> 00:09:56,958
It... it was meant to be a mashup...
187
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:58,678
It's OK. OK.
188
00:10:02,317 --> 00:10:04,316
Yeah, I used to cane it pretty hard.
189
00:10:04,357 --> 00:10:07,635
Things got pretty messy in Ibiza.
Which club?
190
00:10:07,675 --> 00:10:10,434
Club Med. I went on the water slides
straight after lunch.
191
00:10:10,474 --> 00:10:12,235
My dad went ballistic.
192
00:10:12,274 --> 00:10:14,873
That was one frosty pedalo home.
193
00:10:19,512 --> 00:10:21,871
My parents don't want to talk
to Miss Gulliver, sir,
194
00:10:21,911 --> 00:10:24,670
they only want to talk to you.
Very sensible.
195
00:10:24,710 --> 00:10:27,430
Why are you dressed
as a Scottish widow?
196
00:10:27,470 --> 00:10:30,308
Because this is my last day
at Abbey Grove!
197
00:10:31,829 --> 00:10:33,828
Oh, 'scuse me.
198
00:10:36,667 --> 00:10:40,427
I am bothered, but I think
this girl actually likes me!
199
00:10:40,467 --> 00:10:41,746
What a slut.
200
00:10:41,787 --> 00:10:44,746
Everything that I love
is being torn away from me.
201
00:10:44,786 --> 00:10:46,105
And I appreciate that.
202
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:49,864
It's just that you're also being
a little bit of a cock-block.
203
00:10:49,904 --> 00:10:52,382
Look, I'll call your dad
as soon as lunch is over.
204
00:10:52,423 --> 00:10:54,663
I promise you,
I won't let him take you away.
205
00:10:54,703 --> 00:10:56,102
Come on, babes.
206
00:10:57,622 --> 00:10:58,942
Yep.
207
00:11:00,342 --> 00:11:02,621
OK, so that was my mate, Savannah.
208
00:11:02,661 --> 00:11:07,140
Her, me, Uggie and Quinoa are going to this
totally exclusive warehouse rave tonight.
209
00:11:07,180 --> 00:11:08,819
This guy called Ben Grayson
runs it...
210
00:11:08,859 --> 00:11:11,579
Ben Grayson? Yeah,
his brother Frank's at this school.
211
00:11:11,619 --> 00:11:13,218
Can you get us on the guest list?
212
00:11:13,258 --> 00:11:14,577
Us?
213
00:11:14,617 --> 00:11:16,577
What, like we're on a date?
214
00:11:16,617 --> 00:11:19,975
Well... why not?
215
00:11:20,015 --> 00:11:23,375
Well, yeah!
I'll give him a call now.
216
00:11:26,654 --> 00:11:28,414
Oh, answerphone.
217
00:11:28,453 --> 00:11:31,013
Yo, Frankenstein!
218
00:11:31,053 --> 00:11:35,332
Yeah, it's Mr Wickers here,
Wicky-wicky-wickers...
219
00:11:35,372 --> 00:11:37,851
Um, I was just wondering, bro,
whether there was any chance
220
00:11:37,891 --> 00:11:41,089
I could just bum a couple
of ticky-boos to the old rave-age?
221
00:11:41,130 --> 00:11:42,969
(Guest list.) Guest list-age?
222
00:11:43,010 --> 00:11:44,489
Anyway, give me a bell back, bro.
223
00:11:44,529 --> 00:11:47,448
Laters. Love you. I don't love you.
224
00:11:47,488 --> 00:11:48,967
Bye.
225
00:11:49,008 --> 00:11:52,168
So, if... if we go
to this rave tonight,
226
00:11:52,207 --> 00:11:56,846
are you going to take anything,
to like, you know, help you through?
227
00:11:56,886 --> 00:11:59,886
Yeah. Well, I mean, if we're going to
be dancing until the break of dawn,
228
00:11:59,925 --> 00:12:02,366
I will probably need to take
my supportive insoles.
229
00:12:02,405 --> 00:12:05,164
No, no.
230
00:12:05,204 --> 00:12:06,843
(Drugs.)
231
00:12:08,803 --> 00:12:10,482
But I thought you were clean?
232
00:12:10,522 --> 00:12:11,841
Only 9-5.
233
00:12:13,481 --> 00:12:18,361
If you get me on the guest list,
things could get messy.
234
00:12:18,401 --> 00:12:20,360
Oh, they're going to get messy.
235
00:12:20,400 --> 00:12:24,039
I'll probably cover myself in... shit.
236
00:12:26,038 --> 00:12:30,877
My sister, Mortadella,
took this legal high, right,
237
00:12:30,916 --> 00:12:32,676
which made her think
she could freeze time
238
00:12:32,717 --> 00:12:35,315
and lick it like a lolly.
239
00:12:35,356 --> 00:12:36,955
Sure, that's, erm...
240
00:12:43,273 --> 00:12:44,952
...dirty...
241
00:12:44,993 --> 00:12:46,552
Viennetta.
242
00:12:46,592 --> 00:12:49,271
It's like getting a hand-job
off Aslan.
243
00:12:49,311 --> 00:12:51,871
Can you get some for tonight?
Hell, yeah.
244
00:12:51,911 --> 00:12:54,350
Me, you, Havana,
245
00:12:54,391 --> 00:12:58,030
Ugly and Cous Cous are going
to get absolutely mashed.
246
00:13:00,629 --> 00:13:02,388
Is that Frank? Amazing!
247
00:13:02,428 --> 00:13:04,308
Yo! What's up, motherlover?
248
00:13:04,349 --> 00:13:06,547
I cannot wait to get into yo' club,
249
00:13:06,587 --> 00:13:08,787
bang some drugs, shake my...
250
00:13:08,827 --> 00:13:11,066
jugs.
251
00:13:11,106 --> 00:13:12,745
Oh...
252
00:13:12,785 --> 00:13:14,585
Mr Carmichael.
253
00:13:14,626 --> 00:13:18,104
Er, no, Stephen did not mention that
you were going to call me directly.
254
00:13:18,144 --> 00:13:20,903
(I'll be a sec.)
I'm so sorry about that...
255
00:13:28,661 --> 00:13:30,461
Yo, what's happening?
256
00:13:30,501 --> 00:13:33,341
Did you, er, get my message
about the guest list?
257
00:13:33,380 --> 00:13:36,420
20 quid a bloke. Women go free.
258
00:13:36,459 --> 00:13:40,018
Well, it's, er, me
and my sexy date, so...
259
00:13:40,058 --> 00:13:41,577
Well, that's 40 quid, then.
260
00:13:41,618 --> 00:13:43,377
Yep. My date's a woman.
261
00:13:44,937 --> 00:13:48,456
If I give you 40 quid,
it's in no way a confession.
262
00:13:50,576 --> 00:13:56,415
Also, er, my date wants to try
a certain thing tonight...
263
00:13:56,455 --> 00:13:58,773
Well, make sure
he knows the safe word.
264
00:13:58,812 --> 00:14:01,173
And I've heard you don't want
to pull it out too quickly.
265
00:14:01,213 --> 00:14:02,852
I'm talking about drugs.
266
00:14:02,892 --> 00:14:05,771
Apparently, this drug makes you
think that time is an ice cream?
267
00:14:05,811 --> 00:14:07,810
Yeah. 50 quid a scoop.
268
00:14:07,851 --> 00:14:09,130
Done.
269
00:14:13,849 --> 00:14:16,448
Did you just ask me
to buy you drugs?
270
00:14:16,488 --> 00:14:18,608
Yeah, well, obviously.
271
00:14:19,887 --> 00:14:21,448
Oh, God.
272
00:14:21,487 --> 00:14:24,487
You're blackmailing me, aren't you?
Mmm. Yeah.
273
00:14:26,006 --> 00:14:29,244
What do you mean,
none of you sell drugs?
274
00:14:29,285 --> 00:14:32,764
All I can say is that I am very,
very disappointed in you.
275
00:14:32,805 --> 00:14:34,443
Why do you need drugs, anyway?
276
00:14:34,484 --> 00:14:37,803
Because I'm going on a date with India.
Why can't you just buy 'em yourself?
277
00:14:37,842 --> 00:14:39,763
Er, because, A, I'm a teacher,
278
00:14:39,803 --> 00:14:42,001
B, Grayson stole all of my money,
279
00:14:42,041 --> 00:14:44,881
and, C, I made the drug up
in the first place,
280
00:14:44,920 --> 00:14:48,319
so have you got any idea
how ridiculous you sound?
281
00:14:48,359 --> 00:14:50,759
Sir, apparently
you spoke to my dad...?
282
00:14:50,799 --> 00:14:52,599
Yeah, look, um, I'm sorry.
283
00:14:52,638 --> 00:14:56,398
I'll apologise for that just as soon as I've
sorted out this one very important thing.
284
00:14:56,438 --> 00:15:00,157
Sir, Stephen's dad is really just going to..
Chantelle, please. I must insist.
285
00:15:00,196 --> 00:15:01,837
This is my thinking face.
286
00:15:01,876 --> 00:15:03,436
That's why she didn't recognise it.
287
00:15:07,795 --> 00:15:09,554
Oh, boom squared!
288
00:15:09,593 --> 00:15:11,433
Do you know what face
this is Chantelle?
289
00:15:11,473 --> 00:15:13,633
Is it your come...
Don't even say that.
290
00:15:13,673 --> 00:15:16,272
This is my
"had a brilliant idea" face.
291
00:15:16,313 --> 00:15:20,472
If I can't buy the drug,
I'm going to make the drug.
292
00:15:20,512 --> 00:15:21,911
Are you mad?
293
00:15:21,951 --> 00:15:25,670
Come on. Drugs must be easy
to invent. Look at meow meow.
294
00:15:25,710 --> 00:15:29,589
That's fertiliser. It's just someone
getting peckish in a garden centre.
295
00:15:29,629 --> 00:15:31,909
Mitchell, you must
know something about drugs?
296
00:15:31,948 --> 00:15:34,267
Course I do. My brother spent
so long in a Thai prison,
297
00:15:34,307 --> 00:15:35,907
he come back speaking fluent Scouse.
298
00:15:35,946 --> 00:15:39,427
All right. Well, you can be
my head chef, my LS-Delia.
299
00:15:39,467 --> 00:15:43,145
Now, we need someone to help
with the science aspect...
300
00:15:43,185 --> 00:15:44,783
Jing? No way.
301
00:15:44,825 --> 00:15:49,424
What if I told you that this counted
towards the community service element
302
00:15:49,464 --> 00:15:51,222
of your Duke of Edinburgh Award?
303
00:15:52,782 --> 00:15:55,182
It's either this
or wiping an old guy's ass.
304
00:15:58,460 --> 00:15:59,980
Fine. Yes!
305
00:16:00,020 --> 00:16:01,980
Sir, Professor Green
wants to see you.
306
00:16:02,019 --> 00:16:05,939
Oh, could you tell Professor Green
to go swivel on that.
307
00:16:05,979 --> 00:16:08,459
No, I didn't mean that.
No, don't tell her that!
308
00:16:08,498 --> 00:16:12,056
I'll meet you in the science lab in ten minutes.
Can you come back, please?!
309
00:16:14,217 --> 00:16:16,615
Is anything troubling you
at the moment, Alfred?
310
00:16:16,655 --> 00:16:18,376
Hmm... No.
311
00:16:18,416 --> 00:16:20,815
I saw you talking
to Mr Grayson earlier.
312
00:16:20,854 --> 00:16:23,653
Money exchanging hands.
313
00:16:23,693 --> 00:16:27,373
I may look like a girl of 16...
314
00:16:27,413 --> 00:16:30,932
But I'm not a fool.
I was buying tickets to a rave.
315
00:16:30,972 --> 00:16:32,772
Big deal.
316
00:16:32,812 --> 00:16:35,930
Alfred, I, too,
have an addictive personality.
317
00:16:35,970 --> 00:16:37,931
Your father...
318
00:16:37,970 --> 00:16:39,970
I crave Martin Wickers.
319
00:16:41,290 --> 00:16:43,089
I want to...
320
00:16:43,129 --> 00:16:45,368
inhale him, snort him,
321
00:16:45,408 --> 00:16:49,367
feel him racing through my veins
and exploding inside me.
322
00:16:49,407 --> 00:16:52,286
I'll help you with your problem.
323
00:16:52,326 --> 00:16:54,085
You help me with your father.
324
00:16:54,125 --> 00:16:58,125
There is absolutely no way on earth
I would ever let my dad go out with you.
325
00:16:59,924 --> 00:17:03,044
And who's Martin more likely
to believe, dear?
326
00:17:03,084 --> 00:17:06,162
A deceitful, drug-addled son,
327
00:17:06,203 --> 00:17:11,121
or the woman
who's trying so hard to help?
328
00:17:11,161 --> 00:17:14,321
Look, you better get this
into your stupid, bunny boiling,
329
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:17,799
hobbity little head -
I don't do drugs, OK?
330
00:17:17,840 --> 00:17:21,839
You're either with me,
or against me.
331
00:17:21,879 --> 00:17:24,318
# We live life
on the back of this melody
332
00:17:24,357 --> 00:17:26,717
# Me and my friends
spent life in plastic
333
00:17:26,757 --> 00:17:29,157
# Brand-new times
and brand-new happenings
334
00:17:29,197 --> 00:17:31,675
# We get up to all kind of antics
335
00:17:31,715 --> 00:17:34,275
# There's another one
That's classic
336
00:17:34,315 --> 00:17:36,595
# That's classic That's classic
337
00:17:36,635 --> 00:17:38,914
# There's another one
That's classic
338
00:17:38,954 --> 00:17:41,552
# We get up to all kind of antics
339
00:17:41,593 --> 00:17:44,032
# There's another one
That's classic
340
00:17:46,951 --> 00:17:49,870
# What you saying.
Check. That's classic.
341
00:17:49,911 --> 00:17:51,750
Oh, it smells disgusting!
342
00:17:51,791 --> 00:17:53,430
She's never going to swallow that.
343
00:17:53,470 --> 00:17:56,709
I could lower the pH down by
neutralising the carbon substrate.
344
00:17:56,748 --> 00:17:58,269
I've got a better idea.
345
00:17:59,949 --> 00:18:01,268
Behold!
346
00:18:01,308 --> 00:18:03,147
Dirty Viennetta!
347
00:18:03,187 --> 00:18:05,747
Why do I bother?
348
00:18:05,787 --> 00:18:08,427
Alfie, it stinks in here.
What is that?
349
00:18:08,466 --> 00:18:12,344
This, my old friend,
is the new legal high,
350
00:18:12,386 --> 00:18:14,664
that all the kids are talking about.
351
00:18:14,704 --> 00:18:17,543
Please tell me you are not
cooking drugs with children?
352
00:18:17,583 --> 00:18:19,182
Oh, God, here we go again.
353
00:18:19,223 --> 00:18:21,622
Throwing the rule book at me.
What is it this time?
354
00:18:21,662 --> 00:18:25,341
Page 20,000, rule 3 million,
subsection B,
355
00:18:25,381 --> 00:18:28,700
"Do not involve the children
in the production of narcotics"?
356
00:18:28,740 --> 00:18:30,940
Do you realise how
irresponsible you're being?
357
00:18:30,979 --> 00:18:33,180
Babe, you really need to chill out.
358
00:18:33,220 --> 00:18:35,338
Maybe you should take a leaf
out of India's book.
359
00:18:35,378 --> 00:18:38,137
OK, and what book is that?
Fifty Shades Of Bitch?
360
00:18:38,178 --> 00:18:39,937
The Great Twatsby?
361
00:18:39,977 --> 00:18:42,535
The... The Unbearable
Lightness Of Being A...
362
00:18:42,576 --> 00:18:44,576
Cod-Bohemian Dipshit?
363
00:18:44,616 --> 00:18:47,495
OK, obviously the last of those
is not a real book.
364
00:18:49,174 --> 00:18:50,535
Is it?
365
00:18:50,574 --> 00:18:53,094
Alfie, you, you have done some
crazy stuff in your time..
366
00:18:53,134 --> 00:18:54,973
Yeah, like falling in...
367
00:18:55,013 --> 00:18:56,853
fond with you.
368
00:18:58,173 --> 00:19:01,651
Alfie, in the classroom
just be a teacher, yeah?
369
00:19:01,692 --> 00:19:04,451
And with women,
just... just be yourself.
370
00:19:04,491 --> 00:19:06,130
Be myself? Yeah.
371
00:19:06,170 --> 00:19:09,450
Great, so you're so jealous
that you want me to die a virgin?
372
00:19:11,448 --> 00:19:13,728
Right, Mitchell,
I can sense you sniggering.
373
00:19:13,769 --> 00:19:16,248
Room for a little one, Mr Fraser?
374
00:19:16,289 --> 00:19:18,007
Ah! No Mr Fraser here.
375
00:19:18,047 --> 00:19:21,047
I'm Kurt Co-bear,
the anti-drugs bear!
376
00:19:22,526 --> 00:19:24,926
Bear? They didn't have
any more bear costumes.
377
00:19:24,965 --> 00:19:29,963
So you're... I'm... Kurt Co-bear,
the anti-drugs prawn!
378
00:19:30,004 --> 00:19:31,564
Conducting a drugs amnesty.
379
00:19:31,603 --> 00:19:33,404
# Under the sea...
380
00:19:33,443 --> 00:19:36,002
I'm here on rather
pressing business.
381
00:19:36,042 --> 00:19:39,041
There's a young teacher at Abbey
Grove who has become the victim
382
00:19:39,081 --> 00:19:40,881
of a craven drug addiction.
383
00:19:40,921 --> 00:19:43,240
If you're talking about me,
I've only taken drugs once
384
00:19:43,280 --> 00:19:44,800
and the ending was not a happy one.
385
00:19:44,839 --> 00:19:46,920
I was weather-guarding
some suede slacks
386
00:19:46,960 --> 00:19:48,599
when I took in a lung-full of fumes.
387
00:19:48,639 --> 00:19:51,358
I was completely off my head
and thought I could fly.
388
00:19:51,398 --> 00:19:52,638
It was an absolute disaster.
389
00:19:52,679 --> 00:19:55,557
I forgot my passport, then I
freaked out on the Gatwick Express.
390
00:19:55,598 --> 00:19:57,916
I wish I'd weather-guarded
the inside of those slacks.
391
00:19:57,956 --> 00:20:00,036
I see I must act alone.
392
00:20:00,076 --> 00:20:01,915
Goodbye, Mr Fraser.
393
00:20:01,954 --> 00:20:04,314
I'll be seein' ya.
394
00:20:06,394 --> 00:20:08,514
Alfie, this drug stuff
has gone too far.
395
00:20:08,554 --> 00:20:11,953
Oh, are you going to tell me this is
the most stupid thing I've ever done?
396
00:20:11,992 --> 00:20:15,711
Well, apart from when you bet your laptop
that Jason Statham would win that Oscar.
397
00:20:15,751 --> 00:20:18,111
Have you SEEN Transporter 3?
398
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:20,231
Look, Alfie, Miss Gulliver's right.
399
00:20:20,271 --> 00:20:22,349
OK, you've got a lot
of great qualities,
400
00:20:22,389 --> 00:20:25,708
and if someone can't see that, then
they probably don't deserve you.
401
00:20:25,748 --> 00:20:28,589
Yeah, I guess you're right.
402
00:20:28,628 --> 00:20:31,067
What great qualities?
403
00:20:31,106 --> 00:20:33,826
Well, you can speak Elvish.
404
00:20:33,866 --> 00:20:37,067
Just "Where's the toilet?"
"Can I have some tap water?"
405
00:20:37,106 --> 00:20:39,505
It's barely restaurant Elf.
406
00:20:39,545 --> 00:20:41,304
Well, I'm impressed.
407
00:20:41,344 --> 00:20:45,384
So, what, you mean India might
like me for who I actually am?
408
00:20:45,424 --> 00:20:48,143
That I don't need to do this?
409
00:20:48,183 --> 00:20:51,662
Hey, Albert, you want to hit up
some chamomile tea?
410
00:20:51,702 --> 00:20:54,061
Do I? You're teaching us history.
411
00:20:54,101 --> 00:20:58,340
Yeah, that's right. We're learning about the build-up
of hostilities prior to the First World War.
412
00:20:58,380 --> 00:21:00,220
Downton Abbey
Series One's on my desk.
413
00:21:00,259 --> 00:21:01,579
Shall we?
414
00:21:07,977 --> 00:21:09,897
One Shitty Cornetto.
415
00:21:09,937 --> 00:21:11,336
Dirty Viennetta?
416
00:21:11,376 --> 00:21:13,297
Damn straight.
417
00:21:13,337 --> 00:21:16,335
Jesus! That honks, man.
418
00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:18,294
Yeah, I'm not sure.
419
00:21:18,334 --> 00:21:19,814
How do we know if it's safe...?
420
00:21:19,853 --> 00:21:25,933
Safe? Babe, I've been scooping
this shit all day long.
421
00:21:27,732 --> 00:21:30,211
Oh, get in my face.
422
00:21:30,251 --> 00:21:33,130
Right. Look, Albert... Alfie.
423
00:21:33,170 --> 00:21:34,649
I'm not sure about this shit.
424
00:21:34,690 --> 00:21:38,090
Babe, we're going to have
such a sick night.
425
00:21:38,130 --> 00:21:41,049
Just got to ride the wave, man.
426
00:21:41,089 --> 00:21:42,528
You're just too wild, bro.
427
00:21:42,569 --> 00:21:45,688
Let's just drop it like it's hot.
428
00:21:50,927 --> 00:21:54,046
Oh, shit, man!
429
00:21:55,685 --> 00:21:59,323
I'm sorry. You chundered
on my vintage. Not cool.
430
00:21:59,363 --> 00:22:01,403
"Sick" and "vintage",
431
00:22:01,443 --> 00:22:03,682
SINTAGE. It's a mashup.
432
00:22:03,722 --> 00:22:05,641
Oh, my God.
433
00:22:08,601 --> 00:22:11,960
Am I wearing
a really tight little hat?
434
00:22:13,359 --> 00:22:15,319
("I Feel Free"
by Cream plays)
435
00:22:16,678 --> 00:22:21,677
# Feel when I dance with you
436
00:22:21,718 --> 00:22:26,117
# We move like the sea
437
00:22:27,157 --> 00:22:28,876
# You
438
00:22:28,915 --> 00:22:31,555
# You're all I want to know
439
00:22:32,595 --> 00:22:35,914
# I feel free...
440
00:22:37,633 --> 00:22:41,513
# Under the sea
Under the sea
441
00:22:41,552 --> 00:22:43,472
# Darling it's better
442
00:22:43,512 --> 00:22:46,111
# Down where it's wetter
443
00:22:46,151 --> 00:22:47,791
# Under the sea...
444
00:22:48,990 --> 00:22:50,670
Oh, my God...
445
00:22:50,710 --> 00:22:52,789
I'm a mermaid!
446
00:22:57,348 --> 00:22:59,746
Alfie! There's a giant prawn...
447
00:22:59,787 --> 00:23:02,147
I spoke to him
in his own fishy language.
448
00:23:02,187 --> 00:23:04,265
Alfie, you might want to
come from under there...
449
00:23:04,305 --> 00:23:08,025
Who's Alfie? My name is Ariel.
450
00:23:14,743 --> 00:23:17,982
Officers, this is Mr Wickers.
451
00:23:18,022 --> 00:23:20,502
I'd begun to wonder
where you'd got to.
452
00:23:20,542 --> 00:23:21,981
Thank you for covering for me.
453
00:23:22,021 --> 00:23:26,380
OK, kids, who can tell me why
Lady Sibyl defied her father
454
00:23:26,421 --> 00:23:28,300
and eloped with an Irishman?
455
00:23:28,340 --> 00:23:29,620
"Begorrah, to be sure,"
456
00:23:29,660 --> 00:23:32,499
"I used to be a chauffeur
but now I am a class traitor."
457
00:23:32,539 --> 00:23:34,738
# Diddly dee dee dee dee dee
458
00:23:34,777 --> 00:23:38,177
Who trained this dog
to walk underwater?
459
00:23:40,496 --> 00:23:44,736
It must be the work of this hag,
Ursula, the sea witch!
460
00:23:47,214 --> 00:23:49,614
Alfie, put the scissors down. Ow!
461
00:23:49,654 --> 00:23:52,812
I need to look sexy for Prince Eric.
462
00:23:52,853 --> 00:23:54,372
Alfie... Shush, Flounder.
463
00:23:54,413 --> 00:23:57,771
Please, sir, not the bra.
My parents are coming. Is he OK?
464
00:23:57,811 --> 00:24:01,130
No, I don't think he is.
I think he's on drugs!
465
00:24:01,171 --> 00:24:03,170
I've got to get Miss Gulliver!
466
00:24:03,210 --> 00:24:06,568
Stephen, you need to help me
with my hair.
467
00:24:06,609 --> 00:24:09,008
Prince Eric prefers me
when I'm auburn.
468
00:24:09,048 --> 00:24:10,808
Sir, stop it!
469
00:24:10,847 --> 00:24:14,488
And after Maria slew
the Cordoba brothers,
470
00:24:14,528 --> 00:24:18,606
she vowed never again
to use her anus
471
00:24:18,646 --> 00:24:20,245
as a receptacle.
472
00:24:20,285 --> 00:24:22,846
Miss Gulliver, you've got to help!
473
00:24:22,885 --> 00:24:24,564
Joe, I'm teaching a class here.
474
00:24:24,604 --> 00:24:26,283
Mr Wickers is going mad, Miss.
475
00:24:26,323 --> 00:24:28,003
I think he's eaten
a Dirty Viennetta.
476
00:24:28,044 --> 00:24:30,282
Mr Wickers must learn
how to look after himself.
477
00:24:30,323 --> 00:24:32,322
But Pro Green's in there, Miss,
and the police!
478
00:24:32,362 --> 00:24:34,522
He'll lose his job.
He could go to prison.
479
00:24:34,562 --> 00:24:37,080
You know what, Joe? Maybe
prison's the best place for him.
480
00:24:37,120 --> 00:24:39,240
This whole thing with India,
it's not about her.
481
00:24:39,281 --> 00:24:42,359
It's about proving that he's over
you, when he obviously isn't.
482
00:24:42,400 --> 00:24:45,278
You know,
after you two kissed last term
483
00:24:45,319 --> 00:24:49,997
he told us that he had an erection that
lasted for six hours and 23 minutes.
484
00:24:50,037 --> 00:24:52,437
And do you know what?
He didn't even...
485
00:24:52,476 --> 00:24:55,836
deal with it, cos he thought
it would cheapen the moment.
486
00:24:55,875 --> 00:24:58,115
Plus, he refused to tell us
what your boobs felt like
487
00:24:58,155 --> 00:25:01,835
even though you were right up on him...
All right, enough! Come on, let's go.
488
00:25:01,875 --> 00:25:03,994
# Under the sea
Under the sea
489
00:25:04,035 --> 00:25:05,394
# Under the sea.
490
00:25:05,433 --> 00:25:08,672
Come on, Alfie. Smile for Daddy.
491
00:25:08,712 --> 00:25:10,552
Why are you photographing him?
492
00:25:10,592 --> 00:25:13,832
To prove this lost little boy
needs a mother.
493
00:25:13,872 --> 00:25:16,390
Now, I think we should take
a urine sample.
494
00:25:16,430 --> 00:25:18,590
Officers? I want a full
toxicology report.
495
00:25:18,630 --> 00:25:22,030
No, Ursula! I don't want your potion.
496
00:25:22,070 --> 00:25:23,788
Uh-oh.
497
00:25:23,829 --> 00:25:28,388
Prince Eric! You've come
to save me from my captors.
498
00:25:28,427 --> 00:25:33,065
Lord Trident forbids our union,
but it feels so right.
499
00:25:33,105 --> 00:25:36,385
What on earth's going on?! Mum,
Dad, this isn't what it looks like.
500
00:25:36,424 --> 00:25:38,265
HE GASPS My bra!
501
00:25:38,304 --> 00:25:40,464
Nobody peek at my mer-bosoms!
502
00:25:40,504 --> 00:25:42,864
We're leaving, Stephen.
No, Stephen! Please, sir!
503
00:25:42,903 --> 00:25:46,461
I don't want to leave my friends!
Calm down, Princess Ariel!
504
00:25:46,502 --> 00:25:47,822
But how can I be calm
505
00:25:47,861 --> 00:25:52,060
when I'm going out with
such a sexy little starfish?
506
00:25:53,900 --> 00:25:55,420
We will conquer your demons
507
00:25:55,461 --> 00:25:58,699
and restore peace
to your watery kingdom,
508
00:25:58,739 --> 00:26:01,818
if you just sit down on that bit of
coral and stop what you're doing.
509
00:26:12,616 --> 00:26:16,455
Mr and Mrs Carmichael,
officers, Professor Green,
510
00:26:16,495 --> 00:26:19,333
erm, I hope you've enjoyed
this role-play,
511
00:26:19,374 --> 00:26:24,173
a radical educational tool
pioneered by drug charity Vibesline.
512
00:26:24,213 --> 00:26:26,931
Role-play? Mmm. The man's mad!
513
00:26:26,971 --> 00:26:31,530
Yes, yes, Mr Wickers is ACTING
like a pathetic, grotesque,
514
00:26:31,571 --> 00:26:33,570
utterly irresponsible little man.
515
00:26:33,610 --> 00:26:36,169
But those are the consequences
of drug abuse.
516
00:26:36,209 --> 00:26:37,848
Well, it's very realistic.
517
00:26:37,889 --> 00:26:40,409
Mmm, and who in this class
would ever touch a drug
518
00:26:40,448 --> 00:26:41,807
after this performance?
519
00:26:45,807 --> 00:26:49,006
I mean, obviously,
if, if Alfie WAS high,
520
00:26:49,046 --> 00:26:53,325
then the deputy head would have to
fire him, and call the police
521
00:26:53,365 --> 00:26:57,763
and explain to his father how
she ruined his son's life for ever.
522
00:26:57,803 --> 00:27:01,601
So it's a good thing that
Alfie's acting. Right, Celia?
523
00:27:01,642 --> 00:27:07,559
The wonderful thing about
Mr Wickers is his commitment.
524
00:27:07,600 --> 00:27:10,680
Whatever it takes to engage
these pupils.
525
00:27:12,320 --> 00:27:16,158
I'm so happy here, Dad.
Please, let me stay?
526
00:27:16,198 --> 00:27:19,077
Oh, come on, Richard, please?
527
00:27:24,596 --> 00:27:27,115
OK, I'll think about it.
528
00:27:28,834 --> 00:27:31,595
P-A-R-T-Y without me?
529
00:27:31,634 --> 00:27:34,074
How very SHELLFISH of you.
530
00:27:36,233 --> 00:27:38,073
Ooh, prawns and pigs, eh?
531
00:27:38,112 --> 00:27:40,511
It's a good job
you're not Jewish, Officer...
532
00:27:40,552 --> 00:27:43,231
Finklestein.
533
00:27:43,271 --> 00:27:47,749
Ursula, call off your sea dogs
and let my prawn swim free!
534
00:27:47,789 --> 00:27:49,510
Argh!
535
00:27:51,109 --> 00:27:53,148
Show's over, Alfie.
536
00:27:53,188 --> 00:27:55,948
Why didn't you want to come
and swim with me?
537
00:27:55,987 --> 00:27:58,428
The water's so lovely and warm.
538
00:27:59,546 --> 00:28:01,705
Oh, my God.
539
00:28:01,745 --> 00:28:04,345
Sir pissed himself!
540
00:28:09,344 --> 00:28:10,903
Dad? What are you doing in here?
541
00:28:10,943 --> 00:28:13,383
Oh... Hello, Alfie.
542
00:28:13,423 --> 00:28:15,461
Just having a little sit down.
543
00:28:15,502 --> 00:28:17,542
Can I see you in the car?
544
00:28:20,541 --> 00:28:22,220
Oh, God! Dad!
545
00:28:23,500 --> 00:28:25,579
Oh!
546
00:28:25,629 --> 00:28:30,179
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