All language subtitles for Back in Very Small Business s01e06 Family Trust.eng

Family trust is a perfectly
legal form of tax avoidance.

I want $50,000 times six that
you paid me "on the books".

(LAUGHS)

How big are the balls on this kid, Ray?

Maree said I could contest it.

Elephantine.

Do you mind if I move
my chair in closer?

Do you mind if I stay the night?

I am ready to commit, babe, to you.

How about we take this
thing to the next level

and just move in together?

This weekend?

Where are my bloody chairs, Don?

Not available.

Why is the car park so bright?
I can't see diddly in here.

Ooh, this looks good,
Don. A Monster Meal deal.

Two pizzas, two wedges,
two garlic breads...

Celeste! Get up, please.
You are flaking.

Oh, sorry Don.

But $19.50.

That is good value. On my desk, thanks.

Why does the yellow
square keep flashing?

And the Australian Taxation Office?

I call him The Dodger for a reason,
Celeste. Straight to Kim's desk.

- I'm not sure he'd be able to attend.
- Attend what?

A mediation session.

- You've been ordered to go.
- What for?

A claim against The Angel
Family Trust, brought by...

That little fucker.

..Alex Angel. Your son.

Yeah, I know who he is, Celeste.

Vijay? Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, U-turn, please.

Where do you think you're
going with my chairs?

I'm taking them to your
girlfriend's shop.

No. And no. Not my girlfriend.

That is a professional sexual
relationship, that is all.

And the chairs aren't for her.

No-one is getting a thing out of me.

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod -
www.addic7ed.com

- Who wants to make a fast buck?
- You do, Don.

No, apart from me.

Everyone, stop what you're doing.

It's never a monumental challenge
for you, is it Ashley?

What?

Here's the deal. Everyone is going
to start flogging cow hide.

Four chairs each for
your own private eBay,

Gumtree, Pinterest, Grindr account.

The staff member who sells their
chairs for the highest amount

gets to keep the profit margin.

Asterisk, conditions apply.

- Ah, Don?
- Codester.

I don't know how to
sell something on eBay.

I do.

I sold an Ikea bookshelf
for double what I paid

just by highlighting that
it came fully assembled.

Thank you, Olivia.

And, Leslie, you help
Codester with the picture.

Any idiot can figure that
out, so Cody should be fine.

Excuse me.

Cody does not know about eBay
because unlike the rest of you,

he has been defending our country
instead of buying used jumpers.

Fine. eBay essentials,

make sure the photo is
poorly lit and out of focus

and that the description is
littered with spelling mistakes.

Was that so hard?

_

_

_

- Glad someone's happy.
- What?

I'm being such a dick to Cody.

- Have you spoken to Mum?
- What? No. Why would I have?

She hasn't called or texted
since the other night.

- The other night?
- When we had our big fight.

Oh, right.

No, I get it.

It's easy to forget the first time
we sat down together in 15 years.

What happened after I left?

What happened, after you left?

Do you need to pop a few fish oils?

- Hmm?
- (PHONE CHIMES)

_

Who's that?

Oh, my service provider.
I don't need to answer.

I'm happy with them.

I thought she would
have apologised by now.

Listen, maybe I could ask her to...

- Apologise?
- ..give you a call.

Really? You wouldn't mind?

- I know it's awks between you.
- Well, yeah, but no, I'm fine.

- You're the best.
- SAM: Is this for freaking real?

What the fuck, Dad?

Or, good morning everyone,
how was your night?

The ATO is telling me I have to come
to a mediation between you and Alex.

I got a letter.

Oh, you are joking me. Oh, and...

- And what'd that letter say?
- Something about a Family Trust.

What is it?

- What's what?
- The Family Trust.

It's a corporate structure that
allows families to prosper,

which is why "family" is in the name.

I thought the point of
you doing my tax return

was I didn't get involved
in this crap. Is it legit?

Of course it's... Kim,
Family Trusts. Legal?

100%, Don.

I don't want to be dragged into
anything between you and Alex.

You have to get me out of it.

Well, I will get straight
onto that, Sammy.

- Although...
- What?

Maybe you should have a
word with your brother.

Nup.

Because the best outcome so that you
don't have to front up to the ATO

is for Alex just to drop
this bullshit altogether

and you have always been
so good at that stuff.

What stuff?

You know, keeping the peace.

Remember that time your
mother and I squabbled

over how much I had to pay
towards your schooling

and she was out the front
throwing the solar garden lights

at the front window?

- Remember that?
- Mmm.

And before I knew it, you had bolted

out there and you pinched my wallet

and you slipped her three $50s
and bang, Mum pissed off home.

You you were like, um,
whatsie from the UN.

Angelina Jolie.

Oh, shut up. I'll call him.

(PHONE CHIMES)

_

_

CELESTE: Hello.

Hi, yeah, I'm calling about
the chairs for sale.

The ad about my cow chairs, yes.

Yeah, are they still available?

I'm sitting in one of them right
now. They're so comfortable.

Yeah, I've heard. Are
they in good condition?

They've still got the plastic on them.

Well, all of my furniture has
and the carpets. I'm a worrier.

Point is, they're in
near-perfect condition.

Is that Celeste?

Yes. Who's this?

ALEX:
I painted the boat
and I put wind in my sails

-
Got napkins from a diner...

Whadup, Cersei?

- What'd you call me?
- Cersei.

She's the bitch queen
from Game of Thrones.

- Who has sex with her brother, so...
- I didn't mean that.

Oh, speaking of you being a moron,

what the H are you doing with the ATO?

I just got a letter.

Did Dad get a letter too? How is he?

Oh, he's shaking in his boots,
Alex. Why would he care?

A Family Trust is legal,
you lamo. It's legit.

If it's so legit then why
didn't he tell me about it?

He probably ran out of crayons to
explain it to you in pictures.

Yeah, I'm stupid, Sam.

I don't know how I managed
to google how a Trust works

and find out that a parent hides
money away in their kid's name,

but the kid has to agree to
gift that money back to them.

Well, guess what?

I haven't given Dad a gift since
I made him bookends in Year 8,

and he threw them out because
he didn't have any books.

I made him get them out of the bin.

- Can you just back me up for once?
- For once?

Can't you see that he owes us money?

He owes you jack shit.

He owes me wages for this
week because I work.

Fine.

I'll let you know what it feels like
to have my $300,000 in the bank.

How much?

Ahh! You didn't know either.

Hey, babe.

Me-me babe?

What's good?

Um, ev-everything's good.

Hey, I've got to do this
ATO mediation thing.

That-that should be fun.

So I just need to get across
these Family Trust figures.

Ah, which-which year?

Um, so when I worked at
Woolworths in 2011, say...

You earned $4,033.

What a baby, huh?

And what'd Dad put in my name that year?

Let's see, that was 62.

62. So about 300 all up, same as Alex.

Well, you're two years older,
so you started earlier.

So you gifted back 400 and...

Dad!

Oh, get out, please, Sammy.

I've told Celeste to
stop coming in here.

I do not want to be accused of nepotism.

- Alex won't change his mind.
- The little turd.

And I don't blame him.

I beg your pardon?

You hived off all that money
without telling him, or me.

$400,000 in my name, you dick.

Your name, my money.

I swear, I blame those Rinehart kids.

They've got everyone under
25 frothing at the mouth.

I don't know why you had
to hide it from me.

Alex had to explain it to me,

and only because he wants me on his
side at that fucked up mediation.

Oh, he's pathetic, isn't he?
Running to you for help.

It's-it's your mother's fault
for breastfeeding him too long.

He never learnt to get his own milk,

so when she left, who had to
get all his milk for him?

You did.

I can't gang up on him.

Sammy, look around you.

I created all of this,

purely because I had the nous
to duck and weave, legally,

around those nut scratchers
at the Tax Department.

From little things big things grow.

- Who said that?
- Paul Kelly.

Who? No, it was it was someone
big. It was a bank ad.

My point is, you, with
your MX-5 and those shoes,

which are lovely, by the way,

are a direct beneficiary
of the Angel Family Trust.

Am I wrong?

No I'm not.

And how powerful is it gonna be

when you repeat everything I just said

in front of your sooky
lala brother at the ATO?

Hey?

You smell like dunny spray.

It's lavender pine.

(SNIFFS)

I saw you, Don!

I know.

I was... just... clearing
Sammy out of the men's.

Come on, Sam.

Alright, everyone.

Just because Leslie can access
all areas vis-a-vis toilets

does not mean the rest of you can.

Am I clear?

Why is Celeste selling my chairs online?

That's who was on the phone!

Tip of the tongue. Sorry, Don.

Sadly, I do not know

what either of you are talking
about right now, Bridget.

You coming?

Alright, I am not afraid to have
this out in the open plan, Bridget.

I'm really, really not.

I want my chairs.

- They are not your chairs.
- Bullshit!

On some of them, yes, unfortunately,

that's why we're going
the second-hand route.

I've got orders for those chairs.

Different cows. Texas, er, Longhorn.

Am I right, everyone? People?

ALL: Yes. Yes. Definitely.

That's one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight.

- Sammy, you with me?
- Yep.

Sammy makes nine, against one. So...

You and me? We're done.

Ohh, do not be so immature!

You do not throw away the type
of sex we're having in your shop

just like that.

I can get sex anywhere. What
I can't get is the chairs.

Lucky for me, because I can
get both. Can't I, Ray?

- (PHONE CHIMES)
- Mum just texted.

- Did you talk to her?
- Oh...

What'd she say?

Oh, I think she's suggesting a bite
to eat. Something Middle Eastern.

I'll just call her back to confirm.

I'm kidding! You can have
as many as you like!

- (KNOCKS ON THE WINDOW)
- Just go to www.eBay.com...

BOTH: dot au!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

Leslie, is that you?

No, it's your other transitioning son.

Oh, I like him. He's less sarcastic.

Was there something you
wanted to say to me?

How's work?

Fantastic. It's a graphic
designer's dream.

I'm sorry you were upset the other night

and had to storm out dramatically

without listening to
what I was trying to...

- Oh, just forget it.
- No, wait.

Leslie, I don't want to fight.

I can't do this on the phone.

Well, come have lunch with me.

Where? At the business park?

Do you think you can
leave the inner city?

Drop some gluten-free breadcrumbs
to find your way back.

Alright, I'll see you at one.

And see you at one.

Right.

- Ooh!
- (BOTH GIGGLE)

On behalf of the Taxation Office,
I'd like to welcome you both.

My name is Madeline Ferris and
I'll be mediating your session.

Don Angel, Maddy, CEO World
Wide Business Group.

And Alex's father.

I know. It's a massive
workload, but I love it.

Maddy, I would also like to extend
a very warm welcome to my lawyer,

Sandi Limoncello.

Nobody said I needed a lawyer.

Alex, success like mine

does not happen without crackers
like Sandi following me everywhere.

There's a lot of mopping up to be done.

Given you charge per 15 seconds,

let's ah, keep the personal
observations to yourself, yeah?

I'm not paying for that last one.

It's-it's not a requirement,
Alex. You'll be fine.

Look, I'm aware that Samantha
Angel is yet to join us,

but I'd like to get things under way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's not go off
all half-cocked there, Maddy.

Let's, ah, give her a call

and at least try to do
this three-quarter cocked.

Yeah?

-
Sit on top of me and do that

-
That's it...

Isn't he cute, you guys?

Leslie, I don't think
that's a very good...

Oh, Ray, thank God.

Sam is drunk. Although
Ashley's saying she's munted.

Poor Kim.

I'm not sure he's looking for sympathy.

BOTH:
Booty bounce, booty bounce...

I gave her a morning-after banana

but she doesn't seem to respond
to potassium the way I do.

Maybe she can sleep it off at
her desk the way Ashley does.

She can't. She's due in
at the ATO with Don.

-
Sit on top of me and do that...

Mr Angel, would you like to take a seat?

I'm gonna stand.

_

I want to close my red ring.

10,000 steps, yeah?

Can you just sit down? You're
making me want to pee.

Well, maybe Alex should start things
off and take us through his claim.

Ah, is it OK to use the whiteboard?

No! Calm down, Professor.

- That is absolutely fine, Alex.
- Thanks.

Well, on the advice of my
father's business partner,

Ray Leonard,

I went and saw Maree at H&R
Block to get a tax refund.

Sorry, was this directly after
you visited your father

- to ask for several thousand dollars
- _

to pursue a hobby of yours?

- It's not a hobby.
- Oh.

I'm a musician.

Oh, sorry, Madeline,

doesn't the Tax Office categorise
a professional musician

as "someone who's used
their intellectual skill

"to perform in front of a
paying audience on tape or disc

"or in a radio broadcast"?

- Alex, have you been playing live?
- Yeah.

And you were paid.

In beer and sometimes schnitzel.

Schnitzel? Oh, schnitzel.

Yeah, no, I-I don't think that
qualifies as professional,

does it Madeline?

Well, according to this
year's tax return,

I've been a professional fruit-picker

and Maree said I should
have got a $6,000 refund.

But instead, I got a
tax bill for $17,000.

Well, Dirty Maree doesn't sound like
the world's sharpest tax adviser,

does she, Alex?

What'd you pay for her wisdom? 99 bucks?

Pretty good value, since she told me

I'd been making $50,000
a year since I was 14.

Excuse me, Alex.

Sorry, Maddy, I'm actually
finding that green marker

quite hard to read.

Sandi?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is hard to
follow what Alex is trying to say.

- Mmm.
- Do you have blue?

I'm sorry, let me use black,
just so it's really clear.

All up, the trust has put
$300,000 in my name,

which I never agreed to gift back.

I want it gifted back. Now.

- Sam?
- Ray!

Do you remember you were supposed
to be at the Tax Office?

Shh! I'm not going.

Dad said, "You're on my side," and
Alex said, "You're on my side."

So I said, "Go fuck yourselves!"

Sam, you're going to lie down here...

Whoa! The room is moving.

..and have a little rest.

I can't! I have to write
a post for Sloosh.

Sluice. The people who
do colonic irritation.

Gation.

- I'll do those for you.
- No!

Maybe.

Oh... one second.

Al... right. Mr Angel.

- BOTH: Yes.
- No.

No, Alex, I'm the Mr Angel,
thank you very much.

You-you don't have your
grown up Angel wings yet

and the little ones you do have
are just about to be clipped.

OK. Meter is ticking.
Hit the whiteboard.

Oh, it's going to take me twice
as long to write it out.

You happy to pay the extra?

- Big voice, please, Sandi. Read away.
- Read what?

In accordance with the Act,

the respondent is entitled
to mount a counter-claim.

So, we have drawn up a list of parenting

and accommodation costs
associated with raising Alex.

What?

Now, obviously an aggregate
for food and board,

then under medical we've got asthma
medication, antibiotics, EpiPen.

There's a bloody rort.

100 bucks a year and you never use them.

- I should look into that, actually.
- Mmm.

Entertainment, PlayStation, computer,
iPod Mini, Nano and Touch,

iPad, iPad Air, movies, Netflix

Is-is this for real?

You should have listened when I
taught you how to bit torrent.

- Dance classes...
- Ah, class. I went to one lesson.

Mm-hm.

Birthday parties, paintball skirmish,

bouncing castle, clown hire.

- Oh, that was you!
- What about the outfit?

- And it is still a service.
- Oh, this is...

Now, we have furniture,

bedding, petrol, haircuts, education...

I went to a public school.

Who had a gold coin
fundraiser every other day.

If I saved them all up, I could
have sent you to where did you go?

Mitcham High?

- Did you?
- Mmm.

Look and learn, Alex.

Then for pets, rabbits,
hutch, goldfish times 17,

guinea pigs, a dog who had vet
bills, plus there's the monthly fee

to the farm in New South
Wales where he now lives.

Are you keeping a running
total on the fly?

Yeah, you're looking at high 200s.

And we've still got, what, clothing...

And utilities, gas, electricity,
water, rates, depreciation,

plus there's the costs of
setting up the Family Trust.

(WHISTLES)

(MOUTHS SILENTLY) Wow!

I'm looking for Mr Leonard.

Oh. This is him.

- Was Leslie out there?
- I don't know.

But you can't expect me not
to sneak a moment with you.

Ooh, Jesus!

You remember Sam, Don's daughter?

She passed out after an all nighter.

- Celeste said you were here.
- Why is the door closed?

Ah, Sam's asleep.

Oh. What's going on?

Are you guys talking about me?

- Yes.
- No.

I was just explaining to your mum

that perhaps she was a bit
insensitive in her apology to you.

Really?

Well, maybe he should come
to lunch with us then.

I think that's a good idea. Ray?

I need to stay with Sam.

- Can we get takeaway?
- OK.

I'll have the quarter chicken
and chips, but no gravy.

Don't have the gravy.

OK. Everything seems to be in order.

What?

In-in order? That's bullshit!

He-he can't invoice
me for being a child.

He's supposed to pay for me,
not bill me for... lightbulbs.

- That you never turned off.
- Are you kidding me?

Alex, it was never your money,
mate. You didn't earn it.

I did, and I hid it,
according to the law.

Alex, I can understand,
this is a lot to take in,

but your father's stance
is legally permissible.

So for this to go any further, you
would need to contest it in court.

This is fucked.

Language!

And I tell you what is fucked.

You thinking you can get
something for nothing.

Well, I learned from the master.

Well, you must have been sitting
in a different classroom

than your sister,

because she learnt to work for a living.

You want you want to know
why she is not here today?

Number one, work ethic.

Number two, she would never want
to damage the Angel family name.

The Angel family name.
Like that's a thing.

It's a... it's a bloody big thing,
that you should be proud of.

It will open doors for
you one day, my friend.

Was-was that s'posed to be ironical?

When in Rome...

So, Mum, I really want to
talk to you about my surgery.

Can I at least finish my chicken first?

- (MOANS)
- Oh, Sam. Can I run this past you?

You can't eat and talk about
my body at the same time?

Oh, don't be dramatic.
I just meant that...

The human body is ingenious in
its ability to signal subtly

that it requires maintenance.

But how do we know if our colon
is not releasing efficiently?

Thankfully, the therapists
at Sluice Colonic Irrigation

can tell you precisely how
your colon is performing,

with their state-of-the-art,
single-use tubing system.

Ample onsite parking means you
will be in and out quickly,

just like our staff.

Sluice, number one in colons.

What was that?

It's an Instagram post for a new client.

- I thought you ran the dog wash.
- He does everything.

You know, if Sluice were
to offer a half colonic,

they could call it a semi colon.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, I know you don't
like Dad very much,

so I appreciate you guys
getting together for my sake.

Oh, well...

And thanks for agreeing to at
least read the literature.

Leslie, rainbow pen
with fluffy pom-poms,

or rainbow pen with baubles?

Baubles are cute.

- How much?
- Fuck all.

18 cents versus 12 for the pom-poms.

Mmm, but if you shift 10,000
units, that's $600 difference,

so it has to be the fluffy pom-poms.

Have you 100% checked that
they are not toxic this time?

Kim, is your mouth tingling or anything?

- Ah, no.
- OK. Cool. I'll order the pom-poms.

What time is it in Bangladesh?

Will you do a picture for them, Leslie?

Sure. Mum, you alright?

Yeah, I-I just need to talk to Ray.

Why are you still here?

I know this was a place to hide
after your nervous breakdown,

but you're better now.

You're great now.

- So what are you doing?
- My job.

The scary part is you say
that without any irony.

Your job?

Selling dog washes and
colonic irrigations?

There's a combo pack
we hadn't thought of.

I'm serious.

You act like this is a
normal place to work

when there are two dogs
rooting on your wall

and a girl passed out in your office.

- This isn't normal.
- Well that's my point.

No, the thing is, Sam is complicated.

She's had a very challenging childhood,

and she's very good at
keeping a lid on things.

But sometimes the lid flies off
and when it does, it hurts.

The only way she knows how to stop
the pain is to self-medicate.

Her father and brother are fighting,
putting her in the middle

which is why she self-medicated
her arse off last night.

Actually, she's-she's a very sweet girl.

And you are a very sweet man.

I love that you care.

But you're wasting that
great brain of yours.

Don't you want more? What about
that book you were going to write?

The book. I'd forgotten about that.

I hadn't.

Can you believe what Alex
just sent me? Oh, hello.

Oh, Don, you're back.
Your remember Yvonne.

Hard to forget any of
our exes, isn't it?

Well, today was a shit fight, no
thanks to your advice, Gordon Gecko.

Did you tell her you were the reason

I spent the whole day at the Tax Office?

No, I didn't.

My own son, dirty Alex, was trying
to rip into the Family Trust.

My own kid, coming after my money.

- But it was a Family Trust.
- Yeah.

- Well, it's not your money, is it?
- Beg yours?

It's money that belongs to all of us.

Am I being pranked here, Celeste?

I don't know. I'm not in on it.

I mean, that money should have
been spent on hospitals and roads

and schools...

And bleeding hearts.

Jesus Christ, Ray.

I think the point that
Yvonne is trying to make

is that the 80% of the population

who don't avoid paying tax in that way

find it deeply unfair.

- Thought you were going.
- I'm leaving now. Bye, Ray.

Say goodbye to Sam for me.

- I hope she feels better.
- What?

What happened to you?

Fat lot of good you were today.

You're a shit dad.

I'm a shit dad.

Have a look at her.

I-I made her what she is today.

What was that about?

Was-was that about Alex?

Because I also just
gave him a masterclass

on what it takes to be a parent

and it's hundreds of
thousands of dollars, Ray.

Yep.

And no-ne just gave me that money,

which is why I'm not
giving him that money.

- It's it's tough love, isn't it, Ray?
- It does seem pretty tough.

Thank you.

I mean, how else am I
supposed to support him?

Good on you, Don.
Swallowing a bit of pride.

It's a good idea. I think
he'll appreciate it.

Not charging for the
nuts is pretty stupid.

No wonder he gets paid in schnitzels.

- (MICROPHONE CLICKS ON)
- Ooh, hang about.

That's my son.

Whoo! Yeah.

Thanks for coming out,
everyone. I'm Alex Baker.

(WHISTLING, APPLAUSE)

What'd he say?

What'd he... what'd he say his name was?

At least it's his name
and not his gender.

I don't want to leave a
message for Alex Baker.

What happens if he has kids?
They won't have your name.

It is not about my name.
It is about my brand.

The company formerly known as
the World Wide Business Group

is now called Angel Family Enterprises.

SAM: I'm sorry if I gave
you the wrong idea,

but I can't be in a
relationship with you.

Kim's resigned.

What? He was supposed...

I love Sam.

Don't you have something arranged?

How long have you been fucking Mum?

Who's this?

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