All language subtitles for Back in Very Small Business s01e02 By Design.eng

Don Angel, Jordie. Sammy's dad.

And business partner at Influenzer.

I'm your SMS, Jordie,
social media stylist.

Ashley, how dare you speak to

a former serving officer of the
Australian Army like that?

What have you done for
your country lately

other than hospitalise 12 kids who
ate pineapple scented rubbers?

We need a graphic designer.
Leslie is a graphic designer.

- Hey, Dad.
- Hi, Leslie. Come in.

Look at that. You've got the
full beard going there.

I'm even getting chest hair,
too. Do you wanna see?

Whoa, OK! That's... Occ
Health and Safety, Jesus!

Look out, it's the dream team.

What time are you picking me
up in the new wheels, hmm?

Um, 7:00.

- Mm-hm.
- I'll pick you up at 7:00.

- (PHONE RINGS)
- Ray Leonard.

Oh, Ray, how far away are you?

About an hour and a half.

Ray, we have a situation here.

OK, Celeste, what's the problem?

- (LOUD MUSIC PLAYS)
- Ashley!

What?!

I'm trying to speak to Ray on the phone.

(TURNS MUSIC OFF) What the
fuck for? He's right there!

- You're here!
- What's the situation?

It's Leslie.

(CAR STALLS, HORN HONKS)

- Synced & Corrected by
Dragoniod - www.addic7ed.com

- What's happened?
- She's having a fight.

- No, he. He's a man.
- Yes, sorry.

She's very upset. She's yelling.

Celeste, HE'S a dude. It's
not that complicated.

I know. I don't know why it throws me.

- Who's he fighting with?
- (PHONE CHIMES)

- Ooh, is that Coco?
- No.

Have you heard from her yet?

Don't you want to talk
to Ray about his son?

Oh, yes. Sorry, Ray.

- What was the question?
- Who's he fighting with?

OLIVIA: Who do you think you are?

I will not have some smug
arty-farty telling me what to do.

- Olivia.
- Yep. Got it.

All I wanted was a jumbo box
of 96 rolls instead of 48.

And that's what I gave you!

With a new logo on it,
which you can't even read.

And what happened to my toilet roll?

The U in 'funny' is a tiny toilet.

We're not selling tiny toilets,

we are selling jumbo
packs of toilet paper.

- And what happened to my tag line?
- It got in the way.

How are people supposed to know
that it's toilet paper with jokes

if you don't have, "The paper for
when you piss yourself laughing"?

- Your logo was disgusting.
- (LAUGHS MIRTHLESSLY)

- Excuse me? Cody?
- Yep?

Can you tell me which one looks better?

The actual Funny Dunny logo,

or the blah, blah, blah, blah.

He's spent the last eight years
in Afghanistan, not Milan.

What would he know?

Yeah, nothin' about
design, that's for sure.

VIJAY: Allow me to help, please, Olivia.

I know very much, because as
CEO of Doppelganger Designs...

Ah, you rip off other people's designs.

You've never designed
anything in your life.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Yeah, Vijay,

I'm sure that Leslie
didn't mean to offend you.

- Yes, I did.
- I'm showing these to Don.

Which do you reckon he's gonna pick?

Can I have a word with you in
my office for a moment, Leslie?

CELESTE: Can I help you?

I'm from the ACCC.

Is that Roadside Assist?

It's the Australian Competition
and Consumer Commission.

I'm investigating a complaint and
I need to speak to Ashley Piper.

For fuck's sake, I said
diaries, not pencil cases.

(REVERSING ALARM BEEPS)

DRIVER: Got 'em!

Ashley. Sarina Chang from the ACCC.
You haven't returned my calls.

Can we talk in the office?

No, I have to stay and watch this
drainer wreck the warehouse.

You realise why I'm here?

Because of the 12 children hospitalised

after eating the Yaytionery
pineapple-scented rubbers?

I know.

You were supposed to
issue a product recall.

I did.

Then why has a 13th child now
also landed in hospital?

'Cause 13's unlucky?

Sometimes when new people start here,

they bring in some muffins,

or they organise a coffee run.

They generally don't
yell abuse at everyone

because it tends to not put
their coworkers onside

in the same way a baked sweetgood does.

I can't help being
temperamental. I'm an artist.

Well, there aren't many artists
that operate out of business parks.

I know, and that's why
I'm trying to change it.

You don't put the Mona
Lisa in a McDonald's.

Why not? That would explain
the smirk on her face.

You have to try and fit in.

I've spent too much time trying to
fit in and be someone that I wasn't.

- This isn't about your gender.
- I can't believe you would say that!

This is about you not respecting
somebody's toilet paper business.

Can you hear yourself right now?

You shouldn't have interfered
with the jumbo box.

Oh, my God, Dad, it needed
to be interfered with.

It all does. I have to
redesign all of this noise.

No, you don't.

- Then why am I here?
- You're here because you need a job.

(CAR APPROACHES)

Don Angel, CEO of the Dub-Dub-BG.

- I'm sorry?
- (STOPS ENGINE)

The WWBG. The World Wide Business Group.

Is that anything to do with
Yaytionery Stationery?

Only the parent company.

Is Ashley attending to all your
adorable stationery needs?

Not really.

I've been trying to find out
if you're still selling

any pineapple-scented rubbers.

Officially, no.

But I'm sure we can work something
out and push a couple your way.

I'm from the ACCC.

Yeah, I know.

I'm, I'm joking.

As if I'd still be letting
those rubbers hit the streets.

Well, it appears someone has

because another child has
just been hospitalised.

You are not serious.

I am completely serious.

(MOUTHS WORDS)

Where were the parents?

Some people should just
not have children.

Did you inform the public of the hazard?

Yeah, well, that smart-arse
journalist took care of that.

- Did you recall the product?
- Yes.

- Ashley?
- Yes! Every retailer was emailed.

No small job, Sarina. We
are a massive distributor.

Mm.

And do you have the signed recall
forms back from those retailers?

Ashley?

Of course we have the, er...
what did you call them?

- Forms.
- Forms! That's it.

Ah, and if we don't have
them all, then, by jiminy,

there are some retailers in
trouble with you, I'm guessing.

- It is your responsibility.
- Splitting hairs now, I think.

I'm thinking Coco could
do an Instagram post

with our new avo on toast cushion.

Obviously, the cushion
has to be the hero.

One, I haven't got Coco yet.

Two, when I do get her, she is going
nowhere near your shit cushion.

Coco will be my premium influencer.

Who is this Coco you keep
talking about? Coco who?

Coco Coco.

She's one of those ones who
doesn't have a last name.

She's very, very famous on Instagram.

What is she famous for?

(GROANS) For being on Instagram.

- She has 1.5 million followers.
- 1.6.

So, you need to seriously
upgrade your pitches

if you want to talk to me about Coco.

- What about with Frida Kahlo?
- Bye, Vijay.

I'd be happy to help out
with any writing for Coco.

No, you wouldn't. You would hate that.

What do you want?

I'm wondering if you could
have a word with Leslie.

- About?
- Well, you saw him with Olivia.

You know, he needs to
lower his expectations,

like we all do, to work here.

High-maintenance people love you
doing their maintenance, Ray.

I'm not gonna feed the beast
and neither should you.

- You think Leslie's high-maintenance?
- As fuck!

- Because he's trans?
- Because he's Leslie.

Boy or girl, he is high octane.

He needs to sort his own shit out.

Ray, Celeste.

Could we please get a cup of tea

and one of our special
buns for Sarina here,

whilst Ashley and I just get this
paperwork out of our system?

That sounds like it's coming
out of my system, physically,

which it's not, obviously.

Ah, Ray Leonard Leonard.
Nice park, by the way.

This is Sarina from the ACCC.

- Oh, I don't think we've met.
- No, why would you have?

We don't get many... ANY
consumer complaints.

Could you, uh, sit with
Sarina please, Ray,

and just tell her about how few we get.

It's very few.

What the fuck are these product
recall forms she's talking about?

- I don't know!
- Don?

Not now. Dodge, are you across this
bloody Yaytionery product recall?

- Which one?
- The pineapple rubbers.

I told you, I emailed all of
them with the forms Kim gave me.

And did they send the signed forms back?

- I don't know.
- Jesus, Ashley!

I trash my emails if there are
more than 20! It stresses me out.

You didn't follow up?
That's procedure, Don.

Shut up, Kim! I sent an email
saying all the rubbers were poison.

- What more do you want me to do?
- For shit's sake.

Kim, go and rifle through
Ashley's email trash

and see what you can find.

Don't put them back in my inbox.

I said SHE could have one.

Celeste... are there any left?

I could defrost an old one.

- (SIGHS)
- Do you want mine?

Are you not going to eat it?

Have you got the recall forms?

Sarina, my inventory is not
where I'd like it to be today.

More specifically, I am very
unhappy with my data entry.

Say what you like about the 457s,

they are second to none at data entry.

Gets a bit much, that icing.

Sarina, I'm one of the few businesses

that does not outsource
data entry to Mumbai,

so I am supporting Australian labour.

Not the party, obviously. That
would be digging my own grave.

And they'd make me join the
Gravediggers' Union to do it.

So, Sarina, can you help me
keep these jobs in Australia

and give me a bit more
time to find those forms.

I'm not sure what you just
said makes any sense.

- (RINGTONE PLAYS)
- Mm, excuse me.

Did you get my present?

I sure did, and it is so fucking hot!

You know what would be even hotter?

You sitting in it.

- I am.
- Are you?

And do you have pants on?

I'm in the shop, Don. Of
course I have my pants on.

Shame. Can we talk quantities?

- I'm gonna give you a big number.
- How big?

- 40 units.
- Oh, stop it.

Excuse me, I'm issuing
you an on-the-spot fine.

Send me a photo. I'm chasing your forms.

I've seen no evidence that
you're taking this seriously.

Do you actually understand that
another child was hospitalised?

Absolutely I do.

And we have already
reached out to... them.

And who Ray and I are visiting.

When?

Ray, when did you book it?

I'm not across that... one.

Celeste, when have we booked the visit?

We're seeing the sick
kid, this week when?

- Thursday?
- Thursday.

Well, I look forward to
hearing how that goes.

And will we have a full set
of signed forms by Thursday?

Absolutely. This will all
be put to bed by Friday.

With the exception of the child,
who will be up and about.

Put that in the negotiate file.

Don, I really need to
discuss something with you.

Coming. Vijay, can you set
up a call with Bali ASAP

about getting us those cowhide chairs.

Yes, Don.

Don, just checking. Thursday
is not real, is it?

- Yes, it's real.
- I thought I had it that time.

I've gotta get better at
our silent communication.

Which one?

Which box for the jumbo 96 rolls?

- What's that?
- It's a new design for Funny Dunny.

Olivia, did I ask you
to reinvent the wheel?

- No.
- Then keep the fucking wheel.

No worries.

- Hey, Don.
- Codester. Where are we off to?

Oh, just off for a 10km run.

Awesome. I could come
with you if I could.

Um, how's the summer range coming along?

It's not, really, so I thought I'd
get out and just clear my head.

OK, great, great.

So when you say it's not,

you remember that the patterns
have to be locked by Friday?

Yeah. I'm... I'm really trying, Don.

I know that, Cody. I
absolutely know that.

You are all about effort,

and effort is the mother
of all good achievements.

It's just that the summer range
really is important to us

because we did miss spring,

which isn't a great look
in the garment industry.

Yeah, yeah, I just... I didn't know

that the spring stuff had
to be ready in autumn.

- It's very confusing.
- Yeah, it is.

Why don't you try pretending you're
living in the Northern Hemisphere?

Uh... no, I'm not goin' back there, Don.

No worries.

My point is, that we really
need to get Brrr! Buzzing again

with some fresh skimpy designs.

Don, I know that Brrr!
Was the only opening,

and I'm so grateful that you could
get me in on the government scheme.

I just... I don't think women's
fashion is the best fit for me,

given my military background.

Oh, you're overthinking it, Cody.

It's really simple, tiny, tiny
clothing for the woman on a budget.

Well, what if we could get
someone else to do the design?

Then I'll focus on the
ordering, packaging, dispatch.

You know, the logistics.
I can do that, Don.

Oh, Cody, I would love
to employ more people,

but one of the key successes of
the World Wide Business Group

is my ability to employ
highly unskilled staff

to do 10 different jobs at once.

Yeah, but I feel like I'm really
underperforming in one of them.

Well, even if you're massively
underperforming in a couple of areas,

the government subsidies are
just too good to refuse.

I-I tell you what, just, um...
forget about the whole summer range.

Just concentrate on one signature piece.

- Friday, yeah?
- Yeah!

Yeah!

Perfect. Thank you so much.
That looks terrific.

Now, that 96 is super-bold.

Or did you want it ultra-super-bold?

Or underlined, so that
people will see it?

- That will be fine.
- Fine.

(PHONE CHIMES)

SAM: Fuck yes!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Guess who's having lunch with Coco!

DON: Oh, you're shitting me.

Table for three in the name of Angel.

Two. What is that?

- Do you like it?
- No. Take it off.

No.

What have I told you about
shopping without me?

It's from Wolverine. Hugh wore it.

- No, he didn't.
- Well, no, obviously this is a copy.

It's... it's from the Ukraine.

- Touch it.
- No! Take it off or I quit.

Who do you think came up with
all the designs before he came?

I'm the one that found the picture
of the toilet paper on the internet.

I'm the one that put the words inside.

Oh, and guess what,
that "disgusting" logo?

That is in 500,000 toilets
across the country.

You know, I know toilet paper
like the back of my hand.

Cody, are you OK?

Oh, I've done the tiny
triangle bras, OK?

I've done the big splits up the
side, I've done the slasher look.

Nothing else is coming
up on my Google searches

and I'm supposed to have
patterns locked in by tomorrow.

OK. Alright, let's forget about Google.

Yep.

They always say you should start
with something that you know.

Yeah, but what do I know?
What, helmets and ammo belts?

OK, well, you know,
there must be some...

(ZIP!)

Hang on, I think you
might be onto something.

Don.

Just a reminder, you have your
meeting with Amy this afternoon.

- Who's Amy?
- The little girl who ate a rubber.

Well, one of the little girls. The
last little girl to eat a rubber.

Fine. Just make sure Ashley
is ready for that, and Ray.

And call me about two
minutes in so I can leave.

Two minutes.

(COMPUTER CHIMES)

Ooh, Don, I like your jacket.

- Do you?
- Very much.

You know how you were asking
me for a bonus last week?

Happy bonus day.

Oh, Don, that is so incredibly generous

Good morning, Vijay!

Ah, Made. How are things?

Oh, can you spit the betel nut out
while we talk? That that's revolting.

Don, wait till you see my
expanded production, hmm?

I have a whole new assembly
line. I'll show you.

Hey! Say hello to Don and Vijay, huh?

Very impressive, Made.

We're doing Eames now, in
yellow, like the sunshine, huh?

Makes people very happy.
How many you want?

They're fantastic. We'll take a hundred.

What have I told you about being
too keen from the get-go?

Have you been to Kuta Beach?

Express the slightest bit of interest

and you're wearing 60 necklaces.

You'll have my hair braided in a minute.

- Sorry, Don.
- Don, are you there?!

Sorry, Made, it's, uh... the broadband.

NBN. Don't start us.

National Bloody Nincompoops, hmm?

Yeah, I don't think it's all smooth
sailing in your country, either.

Let's put a pin in the sunshine chairs

and let's take a pin out of
the tasty slice of cowhide

that you copied for me last week.

- Remember that?
- Yes, Don.

Well, I want you to set up another
trestle table assembly line,

because I want 40 of the moo moo chairs.

40? No good, Don. It's tricky.

- Why's that?
- Cows are sacred.

Beg yours?

- I thought that was only your lot.
- Well, 80% of Balinese are Hindu.

Yeah, alright. No need to
pump up your own tyres.

There's a stack of Aussies in Hollywood,

but I don't bang on about it.

Don!

Their skin is hard to come by

because most people here
don't eat the beef.

Yeah, but some do. 20%, according
to your calculations, Vijay.

So, get out there and find
me some Christian cows.

Yes, Don. I'm on it, Don.

You take the sunshine chairs,
I'll find you the cows, hmm?

Oh, you're killing me, Made.

(DISCONNECTS CALL) Done. And
that's when you buy the chairs.

CELESTE: Sorry!

I couldn't find a bow.

Celeste, would you let me know
about any erratic behaviour

or violent outbursts while I've gone?

I'm feeling pretty settled, Ray.

- From Leslie.
- Oh. On it.

Actually, I might just
pop that down on a note.

For shit's sake, can we go,
please? Close the door, Ray.

What did he say?

See, I think the ammo belt is a
really practical idea for women,

because it's what we always want.

You know, somewhere
to put all our stuff.

Yeah.

I can't quite see it, and actually I
can't look at those images anymore.

- Oh, of course. Sorry, Cody.
- No, that's alright.

Yep, OK. Let me draw it.

OK, so, women always have so much stuff.

- Yes.
- Like lipsticks, tampons, hair ties.

You don't always want to be
rummaging through a handbag,

or even carry a handbag.

And army belts are always
in and out of fashion.

See? Something like that.

Is that a carrot?

No, that's a hairbrush.

And that's a phone. Why
would it be a carrot?

Oh, dunno. A healthy snack?

Actually, that does look like a carrot.

- Yeah.
- We need someone who can draw.

Oh, God.

And why are you asking me
to design a women's belt?

You keep telling us you're a designer.

- You know I'm a man, not a woman.
- I couldn't care less what you are.

I've got school pick-up,
Cody's got a deadline

and we need someone who can draw.

Did you draw the tiny toilet on the box?

Yes.

- That was really good.
- Thank you.

I never said it wasn't good,
I said it wasn't right.

It was a brilliant toilet.

SAM: Can I just say that every day

I talk about the five pillars
of personal branding,

love, beauty, travel, kids, baking.

And do you know which five posts I
use to demonstrate the five pillars?

Coco and Clay's wedding.
Coco without make-up.

Coco in the Greek Islands.

Coco icing doughnuts.

Coco, Clay and the
bubba, in bed, laughing.

Sheer fucking genius,
every single one of them.

But do you know what's missing?

Top dollar. Greek Islands,
did you fly first class?

No.

Those bedsheets. Are they 1,200 TC?

The doughnuts. Is that your kitchen?

No. Why not? It should be.

If you sign with me at Influenzer
I can get you everything.

I can reward you how a hashtag
queen should be rewarded.

Oh, my God, speaking of
queens, here's the king.

Sam Angel.

- Namaste.
- Absolutely.

It is seriously intense
to be with you both.

I'm, like, freaking out, with respect.

To have built what you both
have built from doing nothing

is the bomb.

But it's not enough. She
thinks she can do more, babe.

Sorry to interrupt.

Coco, Clay, just wanted to check
in. Make sure everything was OK?

Oh, loving it, thank you.
The prawns are insane.

Awesome. Do you think I could
grab a selfie with you?

Oh, my God, of course.

Well, it depends on
who's paying for lunch.

Coco at Little Cicero hashtag
"the prawns are insane".

Absolutely. Lunch is on me.

And how about a bottle of
Cristal to go with that?

Dude, that's amazing, thank you.

- Coco, you take a selfie, too.
- Yeah.

And Coco will post hers first.

So, I'm the CEO of the
World Wide Business Group,

and Ashley is the CEO of Yaytionery,

and Ray is the CEO of
Don's Dirty Dog Wash.

What's Don's Dirty Dog Wash?

Haven't you seen one of our
big, fun dog wash trailers

with the two naughty dogs?

We've seen them. Why are you here?

Um...

..well...

Because he's a wordsmith.

We're here because all of us at the WWBG

are deeply concerned about Amy.

And, to be honest, it's been hard
to think about anything else,

hasn't it, Ashley?

Yep.

But you look like you are on the
mend, Amy, which is positive.

I've stopped vomiting, but
I've still got diarrhoea.

Pretty common at your age.

It's hard to get them to
wash their hands, isn't it?

She's not sick because she
didn't wash her hands,

she's sick because she ate one
of your poisoned rubbers.

Possibly.

Which is why we would like
to offer our condolences

with a World Wide Business
Group gift basket.

Ashley.

- Here you go.
- No, just... one by one.

Open it and tell them about the gifts.

- Here's some toilet paper.
- No, jeez!

It's called Funny Dunny, for a start,

and, Ray, could you read them
a couple of jokes, please?

Why did the toilet paper
roll down the hill?

'Cause it wanted to get to the bottom.

- (LAUGHS)
- It's good, isn't it?

And won't that come in
handy at the moment?

Here's a cushion.

Jeez, careful you don't oversell it.

Ray, could you please tell
them about the cushion?

It's a silk cushion from the
Doppelganger Design bedroom range,

featuring a slice of toast
with smashed avocado.

Just pop it... pop it...
pop it behind her head.

Yeah, and, hey, teddy
loves that cushion, too.

This is a midriff top.

Ironically from the Brrr! Winter range.

It's, uh... it's probably
more for Mum, that one.

OK.

Now, Vijay, can you tape them
together so we have one wide belt?

Could someone else do it? Because
I need to hold my pants up.

I'll do it. Mine are elasticised.

And, Cody, could you go get
some reversible velcro

so that we can make loops?

- Got it.
- That would be perfect for tampons.

(SCREAMS)

Sorry. Oh, sorry, that's
a total reflex response.

No, I'm sorry. I
shouldn't have snuck up.

OK, what else?

Um, OK, we also need, um... lipsticks.

Lipsticks.

- Phone. Tissues.
- Phone. Tissues.

- Headphones, credit cards
- Credit cards.

- Keys.
- Keys.

And leather. I really need some leather.

- Can we have Don's jacket?
- He gave it to me.

Because it's hideous and
it's embarrassing to wear.

But it's from Wolverine.

What do you mean "BUT
it's from Wolverine"?

BECAUSE it's from
Wolverine, right, Leslie?

Yeah, Vijay, it's gross.

But it would be perfect for
prototyping a new product,

which Don would really appreciate.

- What sort of money are we talking?
- 10K a month for four months.

- Sweet.
- What do I have to do?

12 organic posts endorsing
premium brands that I bring you.

Just me?

Four with Clay, four with
bubba, four goddess.

What's goddess?

- Dewy, glowy.
- Flower crown.

- Powerful.
- Got it.

What do you think?

(PHONE CHIMES)

Excuse me.

Oh, Ray, we have just caught a marlin.

Do you know Coco?

She works for me.

Wow. I love her.

Do you? Ray, are we... are we all in?

Yep.

(PHONE SHUTTER CLICKS)

Get that off to whatsie at the ACCC.

Why?

Just just to document our visitation.

You know this doesn't change anything?

Beg yours?

Just because you brought
some toilet paper...

And a cushion.

We're still gonna do the class action.

What class action?

VIJAY: Ladies and gentlemen,

introducing to you all the Ammo!

(DISCO-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS)

The beautiful Celeste looks
chic and ready for action

in her all-new Ammo,
affording easy access

to all her personal hygiene
products and reminder notes.

(ALL CHEER AND APPLAUD)

Every kangaroo has a pouch,

every woman has an Ammo.

(STOPS MUSIC) What is this?

- It's the Brrr! Summer range.
- No, it's not.

Well, we thought we could
call it the Ammo and...

I fucking LOVE it!

Cody, that is genius.

Oh, it was all Leslie and
Olivia. They did it.

Coco?

What are you waist measurements?
I've got your first post.

(GASPS)

(APPLAUSE)

Is that my Wolverine jacket?

- Synced & Corrected by Dragoniod -
www.addic7ed.com

Hot product plus premium influencer

equals jugger-fucking-naut.

The Ammo is off-brand for Brrr!

What happened to slutty
women's clothing?

KIM: Our server crashed. Been
smashed by online orders.

- What for?
- The Ammo.

- I've got Yvonne on the phone.
- My mother, Yvonne?

Actually she wants to speak to Ray.

I think we may have spoken
on the phone. I'm Yvonne.

I want to record an album.

Oh, bloody hell. Is it International
Day of Dickhead Children?

Would you say that to John Farnham?

Oh, he's John Farnham now, Ray.

You're not the voice.
Try and understand it.

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