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1
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# You must remember this
2
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# A kiss is still a kiss
3
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# A sigh is just a sigh
4
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# The fundamental things apply
5
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# As time goes by #
6
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- Is this the right way round?
- Hard to tell, really.
7
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- Try it on back to front.
- Oh, I look like Napoleon.
8
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Oh, now, look. This is it.
9
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This is me.
Front cover of the Tatler stuff, this is.
10
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I can't see your face properly.
Put your head back.
11
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Ooh!
12
00:00:49,080 --> 00:00:50,559
Sorry, sorry.
13
00:00:51,160 --> 00:00:54,436
- What are you doing over here?
- We're trying on hats.
14
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You're meant to be helping me
choose something to be married in.
15
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- You're going to need a hat as well.
- Why do I have to? I look silly in a hat.
16
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- I look silly in this too.
- No, you don't.
17
00:01:05,360 --> 00:01:08,397
- It's... nice.
- You hate it.
18
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Judith?
19
00:01:09,840 --> 00:01:13,071
- You both hate it.
- I think madam looks very fetching.
20
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You thought madam looked very fetching
in everything madam tried on.
21
00:01:16,400 --> 00:01:18,994
Sorry. Sorry. It's the wedding.
22
00:01:19,040 --> 00:01:22,555
I do understand, madam. The bride's mother
always wants to look her best.
23
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I'm the bride. I'm the bride!
24
00:01:27,120 --> 00:01:31,955
- Oh, madam, I do apologise. I assumed...
- Don't tell her what you assumed.
25
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:36,676
I think your best bet is just to let her
wander about on her own for a bit.
26
00:01:36,720 --> 00:01:38,199
Yes, good idea.
27
00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,231
I'll just hover.
28
00:01:41,680 --> 00:01:44,638
I like this, I think. I like the colour.
29
00:01:44,680 --> 00:01:47,114
Yeah, it's an unusual shade of beige, that.
30
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It's pink, isn't it?
31
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- Well, which colour is it?
- It's sort of... pinky-beigey.
32
00:01:53,080 --> 00:01:57,517
- Or... beigey-pinky.
- I thought it was stone.
33
00:01:57,560 --> 00:02:00,677
- Well, yeah. Could be.
- Yes. That's probably what it is.
34
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,711
How are you supposed
to see anything in here?
35
00:02:02,760 --> 00:02:04,751
It's like the London Dungeons.
36
00:02:07,280 --> 00:02:10,397
- She's turning to jelly.
- Let's try on some more hats.
37
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:17,439
I don't think that Cruella De Vil wants us to.
38
00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:20,517
- (Alarm)
- What on earth's that?
39
00:02:20,560 --> 00:02:22,516
- Oh...
- Oh, Mum.
40
00:02:22,560 --> 00:02:26,439
Don't be silly.
Of course I wasn't shoplifting.
41
00:02:26,480 --> 00:02:30,155
You were walking off the premises,
wearing one article and carrying another.
42
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:34,796
Four articles, actually. I was taking this out
of the shop to look at it in broad daylight.
43
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,513
Look, I can vouch for this lady.
She's my mother.
44
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- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yes.
45
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:42,798
- And who might you be?
- I'm the boss of the gang.
46
00:02:42,840 --> 00:02:44,796
We always work in threes.
47
00:02:44,840 --> 00:02:47,308
- I see.
- Look, for goodness' sake!
48
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- She's only joking.
- I am a serious person.
49
00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:54,433
No, you're not, you're bumptious.
50
00:02:54,480 --> 00:02:58,155
- Yes, you are. Very.
- Right, you wait here.
51
00:02:59,440 --> 00:03:01,590
Claudia, Reg here.
52
00:03:01,640 --> 00:03:04,154
Assistance required inside door A.
53
00:03:08,080 --> 00:03:11,834
I know there is only one door, Claudia,
but it is known as door A.
54
00:03:12,640 --> 00:03:16,076
- He's sent for Claudia now.
- This is ridiculous!
55
00:03:16,120 --> 00:03:20,716
Look, please, will you tell Reg
that he doesn't need Claudia?
56
00:03:20,760 --> 00:03:24,992
- This is all a silly mistake.
- Madam shouldn't have set the alarm off.
57
00:03:25,040 --> 00:03:28,350
- Madam is painfully aware of that.
- Would you just tell Reg?
58
00:03:28,400 --> 00:03:31,119
It's all right, Reg, I can vouch for madam.
59
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:34,277
I am prepared to take your word for it,
Miss Fairbrace.
60
00:03:34,320 --> 00:03:36,709
Madam is naturally somewhat overwrought.
61
00:03:36,760 --> 00:03:38,512
She has a forthcoming wedding.
62
00:03:38,560 --> 00:03:41,711
In my opinion, the bride's mother
should set an example.
63
00:03:41,760 --> 00:03:45,196
I'm the bride! I'm the bride!
64
00:03:48,480 --> 00:03:51,233
You've been a great help, Daisy.
I shall miss you.
65
00:03:51,280 --> 00:03:53,191
Oh, it's been a smashing job.
66
00:03:53,240 --> 00:03:54,912
Maybe the next one?
67
00:03:54,960 --> 00:03:57,110
If there is one, I wouldn't want anybody else.
68
00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:00,152
- Good luck with the wedding.
- Thanks.
69
00:04:00,200 --> 00:04:02,191
- Bye, then.
- Bye, Daisy.
70
00:04:05,480 --> 00:04:08,631
- Oh! Goodbye, Mr Deacon.
- Oh, hey, did I give you my number?
71
00:04:08,680 --> 00:04:10,796
Er, no need. I've got your number.
72
00:04:11,760 --> 00:04:14,558
And thanks for the garter. Bye.
73
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:22,433
What did she mean, thanks for the garter?
74
00:04:22,480 --> 00:04:25,392
- It was a little present.
- You gave Daisy a garter?
75
00:04:25,440 --> 00:04:27,954
- It was appropriate.
- Appropriate?
76
00:04:28,000 --> 00:04:31,197
Don't get all worked up.
It was a small private joke we had.
77
00:04:31,240 --> 00:04:34,516
- Quite harmless.
- What is it with you and young women?
78
00:04:34,560 --> 00:04:37,028
Years. They know I'm harmless.
79
00:04:38,200 --> 00:04:41,875
- Yes, but a garter?
- Do you like the second episode or not?
80
00:04:41,920 --> 00:04:44,753
What? Oh, yes, Li, I do, I do.
81
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,837
This ending, it's serious tear time.
82
00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:50,758
- It's not sloppy?
- Was Romeo and Juliet sloppy?
83
00:04:50,800 --> 00:04:53,678
- They killed themselves.
- So they did.
84
00:04:53,720 --> 00:04:57,793
- Well, what happens now?
- I fax this to Mike in LA.
85
00:04:57,840 --> 00:05:03,153
He waves it under Sol's nose. Sol says liftoff
and you have a miniseries in production.
86
00:05:03,200 --> 00:05:05,350
You left out Manny
who will make minor alterations
87
00:05:05,560 --> 00:05:07,835
which will make it completely unrecognisable.
88
00:05:07,880 --> 00:05:09,836
Li, he is a script doctor.
89
00:05:09,880 --> 00:05:12,838
- What if the script isn't ill?
- Then he's persona-not-needed.
90
00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:14,871
Either way, you're on a roll.
91
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:17,150
So, what's your next project?
92
00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,749
- Getting married.
- Hey, so it is.
93
00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:24,315
- Have you drawn up your battle plans?
- I'm getting married, not going to war.
94
00:05:24,360 --> 00:05:27,318
- I meant the arrangements.
- Oh.
95
00:05:27,360 --> 00:05:29,954
Oh, Jean's done most of that.
96
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:32,798
- Women seem to enjoy that sort of thing.
- (Door closes)
97
00:05:33,680 --> 00:05:36,478
- Jean?
- No.
98
00:05:36,520 --> 00:05:38,272
A wet rag.
99
00:05:38,320 --> 00:05:41,153
- Hello, Alistair.
- Hi. Heavy day?
100
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:44,829
Oh, no, I just nearly got arrested
for shoplifting, that's all.
101
00:05:44,880 --> 00:05:47,872
- What did you do?
- I didn't do anything.
102
00:05:47,920 --> 00:05:51,435
A security guard called Reg did all the doing.
103
00:05:51,480 --> 00:05:54,153
I took something out
to look at the colour in the daylight.
104
00:05:54,200 --> 00:05:58,159
- Why would you do that?
- To see what the colour was.
105
00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:03,677
Listen, if this guy was offensive,
I can be on my white charger in moments.
106
00:06:03,720 --> 00:06:05,711
It's all right, it's all settled now.
107
00:06:05,760 --> 00:06:09,230
- Why didn't you say that?
- Can you hear me saying that?
108
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:13,512
- No, that's the trouble.
- Come on, lovely lady, you are stressed.
109
00:06:13,560 --> 00:06:17,314
- Of course I'm stressed.
- Then here's the good news.
110
00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:21,797
Lionel has finished his miniseries.
Which means you can pitch in and help, Li.
111
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,638
Yes, of course I can.
112
00:06:25,400 --> 00:06:28,153
But listen, if you two
don't want to take the strain,
113
00:06:28,200 --> 00:06:31,112
if you want somebody else
to make the arrangements from A to Z,
114
00:06:31,160 --> 00:06:32,957
just call.
115
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:35,230
- Who?
- Me.
116
00:06:35,280 --> 00:06:37,191
Oh, that's very kind of you, Alistair,
117
00:06:37,240 --> 00:06:40,312
but I think we'd prefer to make
the arrangements ourselves.
118
00:06:40,360 --> 00:06:43,079
Fair enough. Whatever you say.
119
00:06:43,120 --> 00:06:46,908
But if you do change your minds...
just bell me.
120
00:06:48,160 --> 00:06:51,630
Now... I think it's hug time.
121
00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:56,708
- Don't start all that again.
- Not me!
122
00:06:56,760 --> 00:06:58,955
You two, hmm?
123
00:06:59,000 --> 00:07:02,629
I'm off to find a fax to set Los Angeles ablaze.
124
00:07:02,680 --> 00:07:05,638
- I'll see myself out. Ciao.
- Bye, Alistair.
125
00:07:05,680 --> 00:07:07,671
Cheerio, Alistair.
126
00:07:10,880 --> 00:07:13,792
- He does have some good ideas.
- What, the arrangements?
127
00:07:13,840 --> 00:07:16,957
- No, the hug.
- Oh...
128
00:07:17,000 --> 00:07:21,152
- I'm sorry I was so ratty.
- You've been doing things on your own.
129
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,839
- Drink?
- Yes, please.
130
00:07:25,160 --> 00:07:29,711
These wedding arrangements, you know -
I'm sure when you come down to it,
131
00:07:29,760 --> 00:07:32,513
there aren't nearly as many as people make out.
132
00:07:32,560 --> 00:07:34,551
No, perhaps not.
133
00:07:35,560 --> 00:07:38,199
- What's that?
- Oh, this?
134
00:07:38,240 --> 00:07:40,834
Well, I've just made a few preliminary notes.
135
00:07:44,920 --> 00:07:46,990
Why do we want the curtains cleaned?
136
00:07:47,040 --> 00:07:49,998
You're muttering.
What are you muttering about?
137
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:53,828
It says here on page six, "Get curtains cleaned."
138
00:07:53,880 --> 00:07:55,552
- We must.
- Why?
139
00:07:55,600 --> 00:07:57,158
They're filthy.
140
00:07:57,200 --> 00:08:01,478
I don't want my wedding guests looking
at my curtains, saying how filthy they are.
141
00:08:01,520 --> 00:08:05,354
- They look perfectly clean to me.
- That's cos you don't look.
142
00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:08,358
Well, I don't peer at them,
if that's what you mean.
143
00:08:08,400 --> 00:08:10,789
Is that what you think
the wedding guests are gonna do?
144
00:08:10,840 --> 00:08:14,719
- All stand and peer at the curtains?
- There's a dry-cleaner's around the corner.
145
00:08:14,760 --> 00:08:17,877
- I'll take the curtains to the dry-cleaner's.
- Thank you.
146
00:08:17,920 --> 00:08:21,310
- I'll take all the loose covers, if you like.
- Thank you, that's on page seven.
147
00:08:23,200 --> 00:08:25,794
Oh, now that is not necessary.
148
00:08:25,840 --> 00:08:28,593
- Now what?
- It says "Weed garden."
149
00:08:28,640 --> 00:08:30,631
You want the garden to look nice, don't you?
150
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:34,150
Who is going to be looking at the garden
to see how many weeds we've got?
151
00:08:34,200 --> 00:08:37,317
The same crowd who are peering
at the curtains, I suppose.
152
00:08:37,360 --> 00:08:41,876
- Just give me that, will you?
- Clear out the cupboard under the stairs?
153
00:08:41,920 --> 00:08:45,230
Just give me that, will you, please? Thank you.
154
00:08:45,280 --> 00:08:48,477
- You're not adding to it?
- Look, could you be constructive?
155
00:08:48,520 --> 00:08:52,069
- Have you made your list?
- Well, I can't compete with that.
156
00:08:52,120 --> 00:08:55,351
I mean your guest list,
the people you want to invite to the wedding.
157
00:08:55,400 --> 00:08:58,198
Oh? Yes, I did, actually.
158
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:01,437
- Yes, could I have it, please?
- It's in my trouser pocket.
159
00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,351
Well, that's hardly Peru, is it?
160
00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:09,390
Oh, all right.
161
00:09:09,440 --> 00:09:12,273
Now, we don't want anything silly
on the cake, do we?
162
00:09:12,320 --> 00:09:15,551
- Just a cake! Just a cake!
- Oh, that's easy to say.
163
00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,431
Here you are.
164
00:09:22,440 --> 00:09:26,479
- It should have icing on it, I suppose.
- Thanks for the tip.
165
00:09:29,240 --> 00:09:33,233
- You've only got seven people on this!
- That's all I could think of.
166
00:09:34,080 --> 00:09:36,719
That's not very inventive, is it?
167
00:09:36,760 --> 00:09:39,832
Your father, Madge,
Penny and Stephen, Judy, Sandy, and Alistair.
168
00:09:39,880 --> 00:09:42,348
They're all automatic invitations, anyway.
169
00:09:42,400 --> 00:09:44,595
I didn't know I was supposed to be inventive.
170
00:09:44,640 --> 00:09:47,518
In any case, you can't invent guests.
171
00:09:47,560 --> 00:09:50,028
You've put no effort into that, have you?
172
00:09:50,080 --> 00:09:52,071
You know more people than I do.
173
00:09:53,240 --> 00:09:55,515
- Where's your list?
- It's in here.
174
00:09:55,560 --> 00:09:57,790
- How many people on that?
- 78.
175
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:02,072
- 78?
- It'll come down a bit.
176
00:10:02,120 --> 00:10:06,398
- Oh, really?
- Be very careful not to leave people out.
177
00:10:06,440 --> 00:10:10,353
- They can get very hurt.
- Who are all these people?
178
00:10:10,400 --> 00:10:13,836
Who, for instance, is Stanley Gilchrist?
179
00:10:13,880 --> 00:10:15,871
Well, he's my chiropodist.
180
00:10:18,520 --> 00:10:21,398
He's a sweet man
and he hasn't had an easy life.
181
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:24,750
If that's the criterion, that list is gonna
get bigger not shorter.
182
00:10:24,800 --> 00:10:27,394
Don't just make sweeping statements about it.
183
00:10:27,440 --> 00:10:29,715
Now just tell me one thing.
184
00:10:29,760 --> 00:10:33,275
How on earth do you expect to get
these hundreds of people into this house?
185
00:10:33,320 --> 00:10:37,438
There are not hundreds and that's no problem.
Guests spread out at a wedding.
186
00:10:37,480 --> 00:10:41,075
- Half of them on the roof, presumably?
- Right, that's done it. Come on.
187
00:10:41,120 --> 00:10:43,509
- Where are you going?
- We're going downstairs.
188
00:10:43,560 --> 00:10:46,472
- What, now?
- Yes, now. I want to prove a point.
189
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:50,115
- It's eleven o'clock.
- Well, there is life after eleven o'clock.
190
00:10:50,160 --> 00:10:52,151
Come on.
191
00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:59,070
Let's clear out the cupboard
under the stairs while we're at it!
192
00:11:04,160 --> 00:11:08,199
Now, we'll take this part of the room first.
193
00:11:08,240 --> 00:11:11,312
Now, you could fit 40 people in here easily.
194
00:11:12,720 --> 00:11:14,790
Assuming they stand on each other's shoulders.
195
00:11:14,840 --> 00:11:18,230
We'd move the furniture back and they'll all
stand about in little groups.
196
00:11:19,320 --> 00:11:22,471
Tell me, how much room does
a little group take up?
197
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:26,752
- Say, four people.
- About... that much.
198
00:11:28,480 --> 00:11:30,835
That's if they're all standing like this.
199
00:11:30,880 --> 00:11:33,553
How much would your group
of four people take up?
200
00:11:33,600 --> 00:11:38,355
- Well, say about that much.
- They're all really huge people, are they?
201
00:11:38,400 --> 00:11:40,868
No, not particularly.
202
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:45,433
You don't stand about at a wedding reception
with your hands at your sides.
203
00:11:45,480 --> 00:11:50,190
People have drinks in their hands
and they make gestures while they talk.
204
00:11:50,240 --> 00:11:54,518
Gestures! You didn't say anything
about flailing your arms about.
205
00:11:54,560 --> 00:11:56,596
- Maybe I exaggerated.
- Yes, you did.
206
00:11:56,640 --> 00:11:59,791
Anyone who flailed about like that
would need a room to themselves.
207
00:11:59,840 --> 00:12:01,796
You gesture, then.
208
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:04,673
- Just naturally.
- Well, all right.
209
00:12:09,080 --> 00:12:12,834
- That's not natural.
- Yes, it is.
210
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,997
People don't gesture like that.
211
00:12:16,040 --> 00:12:18,759
Not unless they have extraordinarily short arms.
212
00:12:19,480 --> 00:12:24,110
- Your people have arms like orang-utans.
- Do we have any graph paper?
213
00:12:24,160 --> 00:12:27,357
- Why do you want graph paper?
- Do the room to scale.
214
00:12:27,400 --> 00:12:29,868
Work out how many square feet
each group needs
215
00:12:29,920 --> 00:12:32,195
and then divide that area into the whole.
216
00:12:32,240 --> 00:12:36,074
Just let's organise this group of four first.
217
00:12:36,120 --> 00:12:40,477
We'll be two people in a group of four
and I won't do this if you won't do this.
218
00:12:40,520 --> 00:12:42,590
- Fair enough.
- Now...
219
00:12:43,440 --> 00:12:45,795
- Now...
- (Groans)
220
00:12:45,840 --> 00:12:47,353
Now...
221
00:12:47,400 --> 00:12:49,277
No!
222
00:12:49,320 --> 00:12:52,630
Well, you can't like the person you're talking to.
223
00:12:52,680 --> 00:12:54,477
Nobody stands that far apart.
224
00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,273
Your group looks like a rugby scrum.
Just move back.
225
00:12:57,320 --> 00:13:00,357
- Further than that.
- Oh...
226
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:04,279
- You could get eight people in like this.
- Are you square-dancing?
227
00:13:05,280 --> 00:13:08,556
- Trying to fit the guests in this room.
- Comfortably.
228
00:13:08,600 --> 00:13:10,909
- Right. Let us know how you get on.
- No, no!
229
00:13:10,960 --> 00:13:13,155
You can't go to bed. You can come and help.
230
00:13:13,200 --> 00:13:16,875
We're working on a group of four and then
we'll multiply it by the area of the room.
231
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:18,956
- Divide!
- Divide, divide!
232
00:13:19,000 --> 00:13:22,515
- Two people.
- What if there are only three in the group?
233
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:25,757
- Or five.
- Don't make difficulties. Come on.
234
00:13:25,800 --> 00:13:27,916
Now... Now...
235
00:13:28,360 --> 00:13:30,396
Now... Now...
236
00:13:30,440 --> 00:13:32,431
Now, we're four wedding guests.
237
00:13:34,480 --> 00:13:36,710
Now, just stand naturally.
238
00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:40,514
- It's hard, isn't it, trying to be natural?
- Well, do your best.
239
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:44,030
- We are too close together.
- And now we're too far apart.
240
00:13:44,920 --> 00:13:47,275
It's like the hokey-cokey, this.
241
00:13:47,320 --> 00:13:49,788
♪ You put your right leg in
Your right leg out
242
00:13:49,840 --> 00:13:52,274
♪ In, out, in, out, shake it... ♪
243
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:54,436
- (Both) Sorry.
- Thank you.
244
00:13:54,480 --> 00:13:59,235
- We are too far apart.
- Can I just ask one question?
245
00:13:59,280 --> 00:14:02,511
- Do these people like each other?
- That's irrelevant.
246
00:14:02,560 --> 00:14:04,755
- No, it's not.
- Of course it's not.
247
00:14:04,800 --> 00:14:08,031
If you like the person you're talking to,
you stand like this.
248
00:14:08,080 --> 00:14:10,913
Yeah, and if you don't like them,
you stand like this.
249
00:14:10,960 --> 00:14:13,599
- Now, I mentioned this.
- Oh...
250
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:17,474
What happens if you feel neutral?
How do you stand then?
251
00:14:17,520 --> 00:14:20,432
- What, like this, this?
- No, it would be much more...
252
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:23,040
- Straight on, like this.
- Mind you, mind you,
253
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:26,197
you could like the person on one side
of you and not the other.
254
00:14:26,240 --> 00:14:28,071
- You could.
- Well, in that case...
255
00:14:28,120 --> 00:14:30,680
Oh, for goodness' sake, stop it.
256
00:14:30,720 --> 00:14:34,190
We are now in the realms of the imponderable.
257
00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:38,233
I mean, groups change,
people move in and out of groups.
258
00:14:38,280 --> 00:14:43,274
How can we possibly be expected
to make sure that each group is compatible?
259
00:14:43,320 --> 00:14:47,598
What do we do, vet them at the door
as they come in and colour-code them?
260
00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:50,279
- I need some graph paper.
- And I need a sit-down.
261
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:58,278
You two hadn't actually gone to bed when
you started thinking about this, had you?
262
00:14:58,320 --> 00:15:01,517
I was just trying to prove
we could get the guests in, that's all.
263
00:15:01,560 --> 00:15:04,120
- How many will there be?
- Several hundred.
264
00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:07,789
- 78.
- 78?
265
00:15:07,840 --> 00:15:11,355
- It might come down a bit.
- Well, there's always the garden.
266
00:15:11,400 --> 00:15:13,834
Yes, of course there is.
267
00:15:13,880 --> 00:15:17,509
- If it's a nice day.
- Needs weeding, of course, the garden.
268
00:15:17,560 --> 00:15:20,199
You just get on with your calculations.
269
00:15:20,960 --> 00:15:25,238
Oh, I don't know. I thought there would be
101 things to do, not 1,001.
270
00:15:25,280 --> 00:15:27,794
Never mind, Mum. Sandy and I will help.
271
00:15:27,840 --> 00:15:32,516
Of course we will. We'll work our fingers
to the bone and everything will be perfect.
272
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:35,677
- Yes?
- You may be interested in these figures.
273
00:15:35,720 --> 00:15:37,631
Erm... No.
274
00:15:37,680 --> 00:15:40,069
Actually, I think I'd better get my beauty sleep.
275
00:15:40,120 --> 00:15:43,908
Yes, so do I.
I'm sorry, we just don't have your stamina.
276
00:15:43,960 --> 00:15:47,350
- Good night.
- Good night.
277
00:15:49,720 --> 00:15:53,156
- Are you interested in these figures?
- It depends what they prove.
278
00:15:53,200 --> 00:15:56,715
Well, I have to admit,
they prove that you were right.
279
00:15:56,760 --> 00:15:58,193
Of course!
280
00:15:58,240 --> 00:16:03,598
As a matter of fact, we can get 56 people
into that part of the room.
281
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:11,311
- Are you sure?
- Yes.
282
00:16:11,360 --> 00:16:18,755
- Look, room area of, say, 168 square feet.
- Yes.
283
00:16:18,800 --> 00:16:23,430
Now, I've taken each group of people
as taking up 12 square feet.
284
00:16:23,480 --> 00:16:26,836
That's without waving their arms about
or leaving them at their side.
285
00:16:26,880 --> 00:16:28,029
Yes, all right.
286
00:16:28,080 --> 00:16:31,993
12 square feet into 168 square feet equals 14.
287
00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:38,309
And four to a group multiplied by 14
equals 56 people.
288
00:16:38,360 --> 00:16:42,353
- Good gracious.
- I blacked out the squares to make certain.
289
00:16:43,800 --> 00:16:47,349
- Yes, there are no white squares at all.
- No, I know!
290
00:16:51,080 --> 00:16:53,992
- Oh...
- All those squares are people.
291
00:16:54,040 --> 00:16:57,316
There's no space at all.
No wonder you could get 56 people in there.
292
00:16:58,160 --> 00:17:02,472
- I'll have to start all over again.
- No, we've done enough people-packing.
293
00:17:02,520 --> 00:17:05,273
- Let's go back to bed.
- We should never have left it.
294
00:17:05,320 --> 00:17:08,198
I think I'll have a custard tart. Do you want one?
295
00:17:08,240 --> 00:17:10,231
Oh, not really, no.
296
00:17:15,560 --> 00:17:17,551
Oh, filthy!
297
00:17:22,600 --> 00:17:24,716
- Where's Jean?
- Upstairs. Why?
298
00:17:28,080 --> 00:17:30,071
Is that a weed or not?
299
00:17:30,840 --> 00:17:33,274
I don't know. It's got a flower on it.
300
00:17:33,320 --> 00:17:35,754
Yes, I know, but it could still be a weed.
301
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:39,349
- I think it is a weed.
- You want it to be, don't you?
302
00:17:39,400 --> 00:17:42,995
Yes. I've pulled up quite a few already.
303
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:46,077
- How are you getting on?
- I don't know half these people.
304
00:17:46,120 --> 00:17:47,997
I don't think Mum knows half these people.
305
00:17:48,040 --> 00:17:51,635
- It's getting out of hand, isn't it?
- Well, weddings tend to do that.
306
00:17:51,680 --> 00:17:53,716
(Lionel) Oh, damn and blast!
307
00:17:53,760 --> 00:17:55,955
That's Lionel trying to take the curtains down.
308
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,355
(Jean) I'll come and give you a hand
in a minute.
309
00:17:58,400 --> 00:18:00,595
(Lionel) I nearly broke my arm then.
(Jean) Oh!
310
00:18:02,560 --> 00:18:04,471
Oh, have you got to Aunt Win yet?
311
00:18:04,520 --> 00:18:07,159
- No, I'm only up to the D's.
- Oh.
312
00:18:07,200 --> 00:18:10,192
- Who's Aunt Win?
- Not a real aunt, a friend of my mother's.
313
00:18:10,240 --> 00:18:14,916
She must be very old now. When you get to her,
ask if she'd like us to send a car.
314
00:18:14,960 --> 00:18:17,394
- Right, where does she live?
- West Wales.
315
00:18:19,480 --> 00:18:22,313
- What have you got there?
- What? A weed.
316
00:18:22,360 --> 00:18:26,273
- I'm weeding.
- Oh. Well, it's probably easier to use a trug.
317
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:29,278
Oh, I am. This is just a stray weed.
318
00:18:29,320 --> 00:18:30,992
(Doorbell)
319
00:18:31,040 --> 00:18:32,598
I'll get on, then.
320
00:18:37,800 --> 00:18:39,791
Alistair.
321
00:18:41,120 --> 00:18:43,111
Hi, Li.
322
00:18:44,360 --> 00:18:47,158
Oh, damn and blast. Will you come down?
323
00:18:50,160 --> 00:18:52,958
I found Aunt Win but she's crossed out.
324
00:18:53,000 --> 00:18:55,719
- Why?
- How should I know?
325
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,478
- Oh, dear!
- What?
326
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:59,511
I've just remembered. She's dead.
327
00:19:01,320 --> 00:19:05,108
Well, I am sorry,
but it'll save a fortune on the car hire.
328
00:19:06,360 --> 00:19:09,113
Lionel's out of sorts. Hi, Judy.
329
00:19:09,160 --> 00:19:13,438
- Hello.
- Lovely lady. This is for you.
330
00:19:13,480 --> 00:19:15,118
Your wedding clobber.
331
00:19:15,160 --> 00:19:18,152
Alistair, you can't buy me my wedding clobber.
332
00:19:18,200 --> 00:19:20,191
- I haven't.
- Oh.
333
00:19:21,840 --> 00:19:23,876
Oh...
334
00:19:23,920 --> 00:19:27,356
This is that suit I liked in the shop
before it all got out of hand.
335
00:19:27,400 --> 00:19:28,719
I know.
336
00:19:28,760 --> 00:19:32,514
If you didn't buy it, what are you doing with it?
You haven't taken up shoplifting?
337
00:19:32,560 --> 00:19:36,997
Please! No, I just steamed in and,
as your solicitor, pointed out a few things.
338
00:19:37,040 --> 00:19:39,838
- My solicitor?
- Yes.
339
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:44,592
I alerted them to the possibility
of civil action on your part.
340
00:19:44,640 --> 00:19:47,712
Defamation of character,
wrongful imprisonment, slander.
341
00:19:47,760 --> 00:19:49,910
They came round to my way of thinking.
342
00:19:49,960 --> 00:19:53,748
With their compliments.
And if you don't like it, they'll change it.
343
00:19:55,080 --> 00:19:59,471
- Alistair!
- It was just bluff.
344
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:02,080
Don't knock bluff. Bluff can move mountains.
345
00:20:02,120 --> 00:20:04,429
So, how are the battle plans going?
346
00:20:04,480 --> 00:20:06,516
- Oh, you know.
- A shambles!
347
00:20:06,560 --> 00:20:09,552
Then why not let me arrange everything? Hmm?
348
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:12,797
Modesty forbids me to say
that I am brilliant at organising, but...
349
00:20:12,840 --> 00:20:15,479
(Whistles)... I am brilliant at organising.
350
00:20:15,520 --> 00:20:17,954
To tell you the truth,
there's nothing I'd like better.
351
00:20:18,000 --> 00:20:21,117
- So what's the prob?
- They're not meant for normal fingers.
352
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:23,151
They're not meant for normal fingers at all.
353
00:20:25,840 --> 00:20:28,513
Mum, he doesn't sound like
he's having a wonderful time.
354
00:20:28,560 --> 00:20:31,472
But you know Lionel. He's very proud.
355
00:20:31,520 --> 00:20:34,751
- After all, it is his wedding.
- It's yours as well.
356
00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:38,395
I think we need to interface.
357
00:20:39,280 --> 00:20:42,192
(Growls)
358
00:20:44,920 --> 00:20:49,198
- Sorry about the language.
- I've heard worse.
359
00:20:49,240 --> 00:20:51,993
- Do you want a hand?
- No, thanks.
360
00:20:52,040 --> 00:20:54,713
It's become a personal thing
with me and those curtains now.
361
00:20:54,760 --> 00:20:58,116
- They're just little hooks.
- I know they're just little hooks.
362
00:20:58,160 --> 00:21:02,073
Obviously designed by somebody who
never wanted the hooks to be unhooked.
363
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:06,958
- Oh, that's very kind of you.
- They're not for you.
364
00:21:07,000 --> 00:21:11,551
- They're for me and Sandy.
- Look, I will get those curtains down.
365
00:21:11,600 --> 00:21:14,797
It's nothing to do with the curtains.
Alistair's here. He'd like a word.
366
00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:17,070
Oh, all right.
367
00:21:18,200 --> 00:21:20,236
Those are pansies, by the way.
368
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:26,238
Have your drink and we'll replant them.
369
00:21:26,280 --> 00:21:28,669
A restaurant?
370
00:21:28,720 --> 00:21:32,429
- I hadn't considered a restaurant.
- Then consider.
371
00:21:32,480 --> 00:21:34,550
You have a close crowd round here for drinks
372
00:21:34,600 --> 00:21:37,512
then everybody meets up
at the restaurant for the big bash.
373
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:39,357
You get a good deal on the food and wine
374
00:21:39,400 --> 00:21:42,995
and anything that gets trodden
into the carpet has nothing to do with you.
375
00:21:43,040 --> 00:21:45,156
Oh, I like that bit especially.
376
00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:47,677
Hi, Li. We need to talk.
377
00:21:47,720 --> 00:21:50,757
If it's to do with Mike and Manny
and Sol not liking the script,
378
00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,553
they can all jump off the Golden Gate Bridge.
379
00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,273
D for Geography. The Golden Gate Bridge
is in San Francisco.
380
00:21:56,320 --> 00:21:58,311
Tell them to drive up there, then.
381
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:01,793
I didn't come to talk about your script.
382
00:22:01,840 --> 00:22:04,593
I came to talk to you
about the wedding arrangements.
383
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:08,428
There's a big thick file somewhere
that will answer all your questions.
384
00:22:08,480 --> 00:22:10,675
And a lot more you haven't even thought of yet.
385
00:22:10,720 --> 00:22:12,836
Will you stop being narky and just listen?
386
00:22:12,880 --> 00:22:14,791
You get narky every time you look at it.
387
00:22:14,840 --> 00:22:17,752
Hey, hold up, hmm? This is what I mean.
388
00:22:17,800 --> 00:22:19,836
This is stress.
389
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,678
And I can take it all away from you
just like that.
390
00:22:22,720 --> 00:22:25,871
- Let me make the arrangements.
- Why would you want to do that?
391
00:22:25,920 --> 00:22:28,480
- Lionel!
- Because in plain speak, Lionel,
392
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,476
I am very fond of both of you.
393
00:22:31,960 --> 00:22:34,235
- Oh.
- And hey!
394
00:22:34,280 --> 00:22:36,953
I know what a hassle this is for you.
395
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,275
Fixing things is meat and drink to me, hmm?
396
00:22:39,320 --> 00:22:42,073
It's water off a duck's back,
it's shooting fish in a barrel.
397
00:22:42,120 --> 00:22:45,351
Talking of food, now,
Alistair has a wonderful idea.
398
00:22:45,400 --> 00:22:47,834
Why don't we have the reception
in a restaurant?
399
00:22:47,880 --> 00:22:51,350
That way, we can stop arguing
about square people in square feet.
400
00:22:51,920 --> 00:22:53,638
What sort of restaurant?
401
00:22:53,680 --> 00:22:55,989
Le Gavroche, San Lorenzo, Bibendum.
You name it.
402
00:22:56,040 --> 00:22:59,555
Or we could go really off the wall
and have a burger bash at Planet Hollywood.
403
00:22:59,600 --> 00:23:01,670
A what at where?
404
00:23:01,720 --> 00:23:04,314
- Or something simpler.
- Yes, that too.
405
00:23:04,360 --> 00:23:06,510
And I'm not just talking food.
406
00:23:06,560 --> 00:23:12,317
I'm talking flowers, cards, photographers.
I'm talking the whole package.
407
00:23:12,360 --> 00:23:14,794
It's nothing I could take much pride in, is it?
408
00:23:14,840 --> 00:23:18,230
- A man who couldn't arrange his own wedding.
- Not couldn't, Lionel.
409
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:20,635
Allowed a good friend to do it for him.
410
00:23:21,800 --> 00:23:24,598
I'm surprised you're in favour,
which you obviously are.
411
00:23:24,640 --> 00:23:27,757
I thought about it
and came to the conclusion that, at my age,
412
00:23:27,800 --> 00:23:30,360
taking the easy way out is not to be despised.
413
00:23:30,400 --> 00:23:34,791
I don't know. I'm not sure.
I mean, we have made a start.
414
00:23:34,840 --> 00:23:37,400
Well, yes...
415
00:23:37,440 --> 00:23:40,512
Well, I'm very grateful for the offer, Alistair.
416
00:23:42,640 --> 00:23:44,358
Just let me think about it.
417
00:23:44,400 --> 00:23:47,358
Whatever you say. You know where to reach me.
418
00:23:47,400 --> 00:23:49,391
Thanks, Alistair.
419
00:23:55,640 --> 00:23:57,710
That's it! Get him back.
420
00:23:58,520 --> 00:24:01,990
Alistair! Alistair! He's thought!
421
00:24:02,040 --> 00:24:03,712
Oh!
422
00:24:09,880 --> 00:24:13,793
Do you think I should tell Alistair
to make sure there's some vegetarian food?
423
00:24:13,840 --> 00:24:15,239
No.
424
00:24:15,280 --> 00:24:19,637
Well, what about railway timetables
for people coming by train?
425
00:24:19,680 --> 00:24:21,750
- No.
- Well, what about?
426
00:24:21,800 --> 00:24:23,995
What about doing what you said
you were going to do
427
00:24:24,040 --> 00:24:26,429
and leaving it all to Alistair?
428
00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:29,517
It wasn't the curtain pole that made you
change your mind, was it?
429
00:24:30,080 --> 00:24:34,119
To tell the truth, I liked the idea
the minute he mentioned it.
430
00:24:34,160 --> 00:24:37,357
All I had to do
was overcome some dated reservations.
431
00:24:37,400 --> 00:24:39,072
Like what?
432
00:24:39,120 --> 00:24:41,475
Like carrying your lady's favour into battle.
433
00:24:41,520 --> 00:24:43,511
Oh, you did say dated.
434
00:24:43,560 --> 00:24:46,358
Then I realised I already had my lady's favour.
435
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,516
Which considering where we are is just as well.
436
00:24:48,560 --> 00:24:54,112
Quite. Let the squires prepare the feast.
Next Saturday we are the king and queen.
437
00:24:54,160 --> 00:24:56,958
Buss me, my lord.
438
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:58,797
What?
439
00:25:00,000 --> 00:25:02,309
- Give us a kiss.
- Oh!
440
00:25:03,680 --> 00:25:05,989
Oh, I shall probably shake like a leaf.
441
00:25:06,040 --> 00:25:08,235
- Your hat will wobble.
- Oh, I haven't got a hat!
442
00:25:08,280 --> 00:25:11,272
- Well, you've got all week to get one.
- Oh...
443
00:25:12,480 --> 00:25:18,350
Don't answer if it's too personal but did you
shake like a leaf when you married David?
444
00:25:18,400 --> 00:25:20,789
- Oh, that is very personal.
- I said it was.
445
00:25:20,840 --> 00:25:25,391
Well, no, as a matter of fact, I didn't.
I did love him but I didn't shake like a leaf.
446
00:25:25,440 --> 00:25:28,512
- What about your wedding in Kenya?
- (Laughs) Oh...
447
00:25:29,280 --> 00:25:32,670
It was summer,
so we had the service in the garden.
448
00:25:32,720 --> 00:25:35,029
Some of the male guests wore shorts.
449
00:25:35,080 --> 00:25:39,790
Great, baggy khaki jobs
with legs of about four feet wide.
450
00:25:39,840 --> 00:25:43,469
- I had flick-ups.
- Flick-ups! Whatever happened to them?
451
00:25:43,520 --> 00:25:47,513
They went the way of the big khaki shorts,
I expect.
452
00:25:47,560 --> 00:25:51,678
And it rained all day.
I was so worried my flick-ups would go limp.
453
00:25:51,720 --> 00:25:55,952
Well, we shan't have to worry about
the weather. Alistair will arrange that.
454
00:25:57,760 --> 00:26:01,150
You should've seen his face when Daisy said,
"Thanks for the garter."
455
00:26:01,200 --> 00:26:04,237
- Did you tell him it was my idea?
- No, of course I didn't.
456
00:26:06,360 --> 00:26:10,069
- This wedding of yours...
- Next week is this wedding of mine.
457
00:26:10,120 --> 00:26:12,111
Well, that wedding, then.
458
00:26:13,240 --> 00:26:17,472
When you said "I do," did you mean it?
459
00:26:20,360 --> 00:26:23,079
Yes. Did you?
460
00:26:25,040 --> 00:26:28,749
I suppose I meant,
"I do, but with reservations."
461
00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:32,833
You don't have to say it at all
in the registrar's office.
462
00:26:32,880 --> 00:26:37,192
- We make a kind of statement.
- Doesn't have the same ring as "I do."
463
00:26:38,240 --> 00:26:41,073
No, but still...
464
00:26:41,120 --> 00:26:43,714
Still... Good night.
465
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:46,991
Good night.
466
00:26:54,040 --> 00:26:56,838
- Lionel?
- Yes?
467
00:26:57,960 --> 00:26:59,359
I do.
468
00:27:01,360 --> 00:27:03,351
I do too.
469
00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:07,431
(Both chuckle)
470
00:27:15,520 --> 00:27:18,239
# You must remember this
471
00:27:18,280 --> 00:27:20,840
# A kiss is still a kiss
472
00:27:20,880 --> 00:27:24,270
# A sigh is just a sigh
473
00:27:26,400 --> 00:27:29,995
# The fundamental things apply
474
00:27:30,040 --> 00:27:33,953
# As time goes by
475
00:27:37,200 --> 00:27:39,839
# And when two lovers woo
476
00:27:39,880 --> 00:27:42,599
# They still say I love you
477
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:45,359
# On that you can rely
478
00:27:48,200 --> 00:27:52,398
# The world will always welcome lovers
479
00:27:54,000 --> 00:28:01,953
# As time goes by #
480
00:28:02,003 --> 00:28:06,553
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