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1
00:00:00,043 --> 00:00:02,376
Open wide.
2
00:00:02,378 --> 00:00:03,778
It is pea?
3
00:00:03,780 --> 00:00:05,146
Yes, darling, it's pea.
4
00:00:05,148 --> 00:00:06,747
I love pea.
5
00:00:06,749 --> 00:00:10,284
Oh, Laverne, I love you too.
6
00:00:10,286 --> 00:00:11,953
Well, I met a boy I like.
7
00:00:11,955 --> 00:00:13,821
Laverne Fusselforth the Fifth!
8
00:00:13,823 --> 00:00:16,124
I mean, yes,
he's a rich media mogul
9
00:00:16,126 --> 00:00:17,992
who owns every newspaper
in the western states
10
00:00:17,994 --> 00:00:20,094
and also one
in the plain states.
11
00:00:20,096 --> 00:00:21,662
But I love him for who he is.
12
00:00:21,664 --> 00:00:23,297
And who he is
is someone who decides
13
00:00:23,299 --> 00:00:25,399
who's on the cover
of every magazine in America.
14
00:00:25,401 --> 00:00:27,101
You know, Laverne,
I've been thinking,
15
00:00:27,103 --> 00:00:29,337
we've been together
for almost two whole days.
16
00:00:29,339 --> 00:00:31,305
Don't you think it's time
you get down on one knee
17
00:00:31,307 --> 00:00:32,540
and ask me to marry you?
18
00:00:32,542 --> 00:00:33,975
I think I--
19
00:00:33,977 --> 00:00:36,010
- I said get on one knee!
- Oh!
20
00:00:36,012 --> 00:00:38,079
- Garfield, help him!
- Ah, be careful.
21
00:00:38,081 --> 00:00:41,449
This knee is a plank of ivory.
22
00:00:41,451 --> 00:00:43,284
Just repeat after me.
23
00:00:43,286 --> 00:00:45,786
Will you marry me?
24
00:00:45,788 --> 00:00:49,357
[mumbling]
Will... you...
25
00:00:49,359 --> 00:00:51,459
Marry me.
26
00:00:51,461 --> 00:00:52,827
Marry me?
27
00:00:52,829 --> 00:00:54,795
[gasps]
Yes!
28
00:00:54,797 --> 00:00:58,699
Oh, yes! A thousand times, yes!
29
00:00:58,701 --> 00:01:01,235
Can you say, "She said yes"?
30
00:01:01,237 --> 00:01:03,437
- She said yes.
- [screaming]
31
00:01:03,439 --> 00:01:05,806
I want the money,
I want the fame
32
00:01:05,808 --> 00:01:08,209
I want the whole world
to know my name
33
00:01:08,211 --> 00:01:10,511
this is mine,
I got to get it
34
00:01:10,513 --> 00:01:13,047
I got to get it,
got, got to get it
35
00:01:13,049 --> 00:01:14,815
Another Period
36
00:01:14,816 --> 00:01:16,501
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
37
00:01:18,454 --> 00:01:21,455
[majestic music]
38
00:01:21,457 --> 00:01:23,224
39
00:01:23,226 --> 00:01:26,027
- Mr. Faft.
- It's Taft.
40
00:01:26,029 --> 00:01:27,461
I have some photos
that I think
41
00:01:27,463 --> 00:01:30,131
you will be very interested
to see.
42
00:01:30,133 --> 00:01:33,668
Are they pictures of dogs?
Because I like dogs.
43
00:01:33,670 --> 00:01:37,405
Before now your incestuous
relationship with your sister
44
00:01:37,407 --> 00:01:39,473
has been dismissed as rumor,
45
00:01:39,475 --> 00:01:42,843
but these photos offer
definitive proof.
46
00:01:44,714 --> 00:01:47,148
That's not me.
That's Beatrice.
47
00:01:47,150 --> 00:01:48,549
Look at the bottom.
48
00:01:48,551 --> 00:01:50,785
- Oh, right. Oh, that's me.
- Mm-hmm.
49
00:01:50,787 --> 00:01:52,486
Now you can resign
50
00:01:52,488 --> 00:01:55,389
from this little experiment
as vice president,
51
00:01:55,391 --> 00:01:59,227
or I release the photos
and destroy your life.
52
00:01:59,229 --> 00:02:00,861
Hold on, Mr. Taft.
53
00:02:00,863 --> 00:02:03,064
I have an idea.
What if...
54
00:02:03,066 --> 00:02:05,733
we both be vice president?
55
00:02:05,735 --> 00:02:07,034
Uh, how 'bout this--
No!
56
00:02:07,036 --> 00:02:09,937
Now when you say no,
is that...
57
00:02:09,939 --> 00:02:12,073
- Yes, that is a no.
- Yes?
58
00:02:12,075 --> 00:02:13,708
- No.
- No, that is a yes?
59
00:02:13,710 --> 00:02:16,110
- No. Yes, it's a no.
- No.
60
00:02:18,214 --> 00:02:20,381
- So I'm not being blackmailed?
- You're being blackmailed.
61
00:02:20,383 --> 00:02:21,380
Yes, okay.
62
00:02:21,487 --> 00:02:23,884
drop it down,
drop down it down low
63
00:02:23,886 --> 00:02:26,087
Blanche? Where's Blanche?
64
00:02:26,089 --> 00:02:28,222
Black Blanche,
what do you think?
65
00:02:28,224 --> 00:02:30,958
I think I don't love
that nickname.
66
00:02:30,960 --> 00:02:32,493
The white makes me look like
I'm getting married
67
00:02:32,495 --> 00:02:35,263
to an Italian olive oil farmer,
not a media mogul.
68
00:02:35,265 --> 00:02:39,000
Maybe off-white's better.
Laverne, what do you think?
69
00:02:41,671 --> 00:02:44,038
Laverne!
70
00:02:44,040 --> 00:02:45,906
Laverne.
[claps hands]
71
00:02:45,908 --> 00:02:47,942
Laverne's cute little pauses
are making me realize
72
00:02:47,944 --> 00:02:49,777
how much I love him
73
00:02:49,779 --> 00:02:52,079
and how badly I want to marry
him really, really, really soon
74
00:02:52,081 --> 00:02:55,449
before the pauses last forever.
75
00:02:55,451 --> 00:02:57,718
What do you say
about getting married in,
76
00:02:57,720 --> 00:03:01,022
oh, I don't know,
the next 45 minutes or so?
77
00:03:01,024 --> 00:03:02,923
We'd have to wait for Bertram.
78
00:03:02,925 --> 00:03:05,893
I can't have a wedding
without my grandson here.
79
00:03:05,895 --> 00:03:08,362
He's my best...
80
00:03:11,534 --> 00:03:13,768
friend.
81
00:03:13,770 --> 00:03:16,937
stuff in the grates,
I'm simply amazing
82
00:03:18,474 --> 00:03:21,008
[gasps]
Frederick!
83
00:03:21,010 --> 00:03:23,944
Don't touch me.
You've ruined my life.
84
00:03:23,946 --> 00:03:26,013
I'm going to lose my job
as vice president.
85
00:03:26,015 --> 00:03:27,481
- What?
- It's the best job they have
86
00:03:27,483 --> 00:03:29,317
except for president.
[sobbing]
87
00:03:29,319 --> 00:03:31,018
What are you talking about?
88
00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:34,422
Someone took photos of us.
89
00:03:34,424 --> 00:03:36,157
Sex photos.
90
00:03:36,159 --> 00:03:39,860
That stands for
sexual photographs, Beatrice.
91
00:03:39,862 --> 00:03:41,662
Oh, no!
What are you going to do?
92
00:03:41,664 --> 00:03:43,931
[scoffs]
What am I going to do?
93
00:03:43,933 --> 00:03:46,734
You mean, what am I going to do?
94
00:03:46,736 --> 00:03:49,870
- Why did you do this to me?
- Why did I do what?
95
00:03:49,872 --> 00:03:52,673
Why did you create
the situation where,
96
00:03:52,675 --> 00:03:54,675
over the course
of several decades,
97
00:03:54,677 --> 00:03:57,678
I was tricked
into engaging in consensual
98
00:03:57,680 --> 00:03:59,447
and, if I'm being honest
with myself,
99
00:03:59,449 --> 00:04:02,450
extremely enjoyable
incestual sex?
100
00:04:02,452 --> 00:04:04,185
I didn't trick you.
101
00:04:04,187 --> 00:04:05,786
Why are you saying
it's my fault?
102
00:04:05,788 --> 00:04:09,123
Oh, I suppose it's my fault?
103
00:04:09,125 --> 00:04:12,660
So evil that women have bodies
104
00:04:12,662 --> 00:04:15,696
that force men to do
terrible things to them.
105
00:04:15,698 --> 00:04:17,531
[sobbing]
106
00:04:17,533 --> 00:04:20,167
And I don't need you standing
here tempting me right now!
107
00:04:20,169 --> 00:04:22,036
I am not tempting you.
108
00:04:22,038 --> 00:04:24,372
Yes, you are-- you're pointing
your supple breasts at me.
109
00:04:24,374 --> 00:04:26,407
I'm just standing here
talking to you.
110
00:04:26,409 --> 00:04:28,342
I can't get them
to face another way.
111
00:04:28,344 --> 00:04:31,178
Exactly.
112
00:04:31,180 --> 00:04:33,781
That's why I must send
all three of you away.
113
00:04:33,783 --> 00:04:36,217
- What?
- You're no longer welcome here.
114
00:04:36,219 --> 00:04:38,886
Around me or Bellacourt.
115
00:04:38,888 --> 00:04:40,755
- You can't do that.
- Yes, I can!
116
00:04:40,757 --> 00:04:42,890
I'm the vice president.
I can do whatever I want.
117
00:04:42,892 --> 00:04:44,892
- No, Frederick!
- Get Bea to a nunnery!
118
00:04:44,894 --> 00:04:46,894
What? No! No! Please!
119
00:04:46,896 --> 00:04:48,596
I can't wear black and white
every day!
120
00:04:48,598 --> 00:04:50,364
I prefer pastels!
121
00:04:50,366 --> 00:04:53,300
I prefer pastels!
[screaming]
122
00:04:55,872 --> 00:04:59,507
[sobbing]
123
00:04:59,509 --> 00:05:01,375
Thank the God of Israel
124
00:05:01,377 --> 00:05:04,345
Lillian is marrying that
mummified bag of money.
125
00:05:04,347 --> 00:05:07,181
The Bellacourt fortune is saved!
126
00:05:07,183 --> 00:05:09,884
Mr. Bertram Harrison
Fusselforth the Seventh.
127
00:05:09,886 --> 00:05:12,887
[romantic music]
128
00:05:12,889 --> 00:05:17,892
129
00:05:17,894 --> 00:05:19,927
Hello, future step-family!
130
00:05:19,929 --> 00:05:24,799
Oh, Grandpa,
how I've missed you.
131
00:05:24,801 --> 00:05:27,568
- And there you are.
- [chuckles nervously]
132
00:05:27,570 --> 00:05:29,703
- You must be the thief.
- Oh, no, I--
133
00:05:29,705 --> 00:05:32,039
Because you've stolen
his heart!
134
00:05:32,041 --> 00:05:35,209
How wonderful
to finally meet you, Grandma!
135
00:05:35,211 --> 00:05:37,077
Oh, my,
please don't call me that.
136
00:05:37,079 --> 00:05:38,446
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Of course.
137
00:05:38,448 --> 00:05:40,214
Would-- would you prefer nana?
138
00:05:40,216 --> 00:05:42,116
Grandma's fine.
139
00:05:42,118 --> 00:05:44,385
Oh, Grandpa, I've brought
you a gift for you and Grandma.
140
00:05:44,387 --> 00:05:47,354
It's the Fusselforth
family diamond!
141
00:05:47,356 --> 00:05:49,457
Oh, no, no, no, no, Grandpa.
142
00:05:49,459 --> 00:05:51,192
Just show it to Grandma.
143
00:05:54,497 --> 00:05:56,831
It's not a tapered
baguette cut!!
144
00:05:56,833 --> 00:06:00,134
It's just a classic
baguette cut!
145
00:06:00,136 --> 00:06:03,437
What am I, a baker's wife?
146
00:06:03,439 --> 00:06:05,506
Well, who's this lovely
young lady?
147
00:06:05,508 --> 00:06:08,175
Oh, that's Hortense.
148
00:06:08,177 --> 00:06:11,779
But most people don't guess
her gender on the first try.
149
00:06:11,781 --> 00:06:13,414
Hortense Bellacourt?
150
00:06:13,416 --> 00:06:15,649
The Hortense Bellacourt,
of the "Looky-Loo"?
151
00:06:15,651 --> 00:06:18,419
[giggling]
Yes, that's me.
152
00:06:18,421 --> 00:06:20,955
I've read all your work.
All your articles.
153
00:06:20,957 --> 00:06:24,158
I'm a huge fan.
154
00:06:24,160 --> 00:06:28,929
[chuckles]
I'm a huge fan of your face...
155
00:06:28,931 --> 00:06:30,931
and jaw...
156
00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:32,900
and arms.
157
00:06:32,902 --> 00:06:34,768
Anyway, thank you.
158
00:06:34,770 --> 00:06:39,306
I pour so much of my heart
and soul into my work.
159
00:06:39,308 --> 00:06:41,308
Well, thank you for pouring.
160
00:06:41,310 --> 00:06:43,611
I drank it all right up.
161
00:06:43,613 --> 00:06:45,479
What is happening right now?
162
00:06:45,481 --> 00:06:47,848
Would you like to go
for a walk with me?
163
00:06:47,850 --> 00:06:49,717
May I defecate first?
164
00:06:49,719 --> 00:06:53,220
Of course!
I'll wait forever.
165
00:06:53,222 --> 00:06:55,456
[sultry music]
166
00:06:55,458 --> 00:06:56,724
[stammering, sighs]
167
00:06:56,726 --> 00:07:00,227
[bells toll]
168
00:07:00,229 --> 00:07:03,230
[somber music]
169
00:07:03,232 --> 00:07:05,833
170
00:07:05,835 --> 00:07:08,969
I guess in this lifetime
171
00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:11,338
we weren't meant to be
172
00:07:11,340 --> 00:07:13,908
yet the pictures
behind my eyeballs
173
00:07:13,910 --> 00:07:16,544
are of only you and me
174
00:07:16,546 --> 00:07:19,146
I only want to love you
and heaven knows I tried
175
00:07:19,148 --> 00:07:23,250
so now the only way
is through the side
176
00:07:23,252 --> 00:07:26,253
then I'll fuck you
in heaven
177
00:07:26,255 --> 00:07:28,722
that's when we can live
in sin
178
00:07:28,724 --> 00:07:31,759
when the pearly gates
are open
179
00:07:31,761 --> 00:07:33,994
you can be inside me again
180
00:07:33,996 --> 00:07:37,231
yes, I can be
inside you again
181
00:07:37,233 --> 00:07:38,832
Hello.
182
00:07:38,834 --> 00:07:41,068
the first time
I saw your face
183
00:07:41,070 --> 00:07:43,837
I knew we were meant to be
184
00:07:43,839 --> 00:07:46,073
when I looked into your eyes
185
00:07:46,075 --> 00:07:48,943
I thought, wow,
you're just like me
186
00:07:48,945 --> 00:07:51,378
when I go to Jesus,
you'll go down on me all day
187
00:07:51,380 --> 00:07:54,448
when I go to the pie
in the sky, I'll lay there
188
00:07:54,450 --> 00:07:58,285
and let you have your way
189
00:07:58,287 --> 00:08:01,255
and then I'll fuck you
in heaven
190
00:08:01,257 --> 00:08:03,924
that's when we can live
in sin
191
00:08:03,926 --> 00:08:06,794
when the pearly gates
are open
192
00:08:06,796 --> 00:08:09,029
you can be inside me again
193
00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:13,267
yes, I can be
inside you again
194
00:08:13,269 --> 00:08:18,305
if you can't have me,
no one else can
195
00:08:18,307 --> 00:08:23,744
when we're dead,
I'll be your one and only man
196
00:08:23,746 --> 00:08:27,448
-
our timing was off
-
our timing was bad
197
00:08:27,450 --> 00:08:29,650
-
I blame my mom
-
and I blame my dad
198
00:08:29,652 --> 00:08:31,986
which is also your dad
199
00:08:31,988 --> 00:08:34,588
and also your mom
200
00:08:34,590 --> 00:08:37,791
and we'll fuck
a lot in heaven
201
00:08:37,793 --> 00:08:40,427
since we can't do it here
on Earth
202
00:08:40,429 --> 00:08:42,830
we're not alone as lovers
203
00:08:42,832 --> 00:08:45,733
even though we've been
together since birth
204
00:08:45,735 --> 00:08:49,903
oh, yes, together
since birth
205
00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:52,940
I guess in this lifetime
206
00:08:52,942 --> 00:08:55,609
we weren't meant to be
207
00:08:55,611 --> 00:08:58,445
but when I kill myself
208
00:08:58,447 --> 00:09:01,115
it will finally be
you and me
209
00:09:01,117 --> 00:09:06,186
yes, finally just you and me
210
00:09:10,493 --> 00:09:11,392
Mother?
211
00:09:13,380 --> 00:09:15,180
Mother?
212
00:09:15,182 --> 00:09:17,248
Did you come here from
Bellacourt to take me home?
213
00:09:17,250 --> 00:09:20,318
No, Beatrice, I live here.
214
00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:22,253
I've lived here for months.
215
00:09:22,255 --> 00:09:25,523
Did you not notice
my rather extended absence?
216
00:09:25,525 --> 00:09:28,460
No, I for sure noticed.
217
00:09:28,462 --> 00:09:29,894
Well, if you'll excuse me,
218
00:09:29,896 --> 00:09:31,463
I have plans to drown myself
until I die.
219
00:09:31,465 --> 00:09:33,765
Oh, I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
220
00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:36,668
Not until you've heard
the good news.
221
00:09:38,371 --> 00:09:41,039
[man beatboxing]
222
00:09:41,041 --> 00:09:46,111
I love reading the work
of strong, single women.
223
00:09:46,113 --> 00:09:48,613
It completely changed the way I
feel about women wearing pants.
224
00:09:48,615 --> 00:09:51,649
Maybe it shouldn't even be
illegal if her doctor approves.
225
00:09:51,651 --> 00:09:53,651
It is so nice
226
00:09:53,653 --> 00:09:57,889
to be around
someone who understands my work.
227
00:09:57,891 --> 00:10:01,226
Hore, if you'd ever consider
leaving the "Looky-Loo,"
228
00:10:01,228 --> 00:10:02,727
I would love for you to write
229
00:10:02,729 --> 00:10:05,630
for one of our more
prestigious publications.
230
00:10:05,632 --> 00:10:08,900
"Good Housekeeping."
"The Happy Husband."
231
00:10:08,902 --> 00:10:11,703
Or our new scandal rag,
"The New York Times."
232
00:10:11,705 --> 00:10:15,640
Will I have to
disguise myself as a man?
233
00:10:15,642 --> 00:10:17,408
I don't think
that should be a problem
234
00:10:17,410 --> 00:10:19,711
as long as we get permission
from the head of the company...
235
00:10:19,713 --> 00:10:20,979
me.
236
00:10:20,981 --> 00:10:24,082
I thought that was Laverne's job.
237
00:10:24,084 --> 00:10:28,153
Grandpa has slowed down a bit.
238
00:10:28,155 --> 00:10:31,556
I'm just happy he found love
so late in life.
239
00:10:32,959 --> 00:10:35,794
Hortense, have you ever
been in love?
240
00:10:35,796 --> 00:10:37,495
No.
241
00:10:37,497 --> 00:10:41,633
My heart hasn't felt that... yet.
242
00:10:41,635 --> 00:10:43,635
Well, between us,
243
00:10:43,637 --> 00:10:45,904
my heart has sped up a bit
244
00:10:45,906 --> 00:10:48,206
in the time
we've just spend together.
245
00:10:48,208 --> 00:10:52,210
Might be the cocaine,
but...
246
00:10:52,212 --> 00:10:53,678
I don't think so.
247
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,481
[sultry music]
248
00:10:56,483 --> 00:10:58,449
Yes.
249
00:10:58,451 --> 00:11:01,052
I feel that.
250
00:11:01,054 --> 00:11:03,321
Mine too.
251
00:11:03,323 --> 00:11:04,856
Oh.
252
00:11:04,858 --> 00:11:07,058
[both panting]
253
00:11:07,060 --> 00:11:09,427
I have a bit of a murmur.
254
00:11:09,429 --> 00:11:12,130
- It does-- feels irregular.
- It skips every third beat.
255
00:11:12,132 --> 00:11:14,833
[hip-hop tones]
256
00:11:14,835 --> 00:11:19,571
Beatrice, this is
Father Black Donahue.
257
00:11:19,573 --> 00:11:22,907
Black, this is my simplest
daughter, Beatrice.
258
00:11:22,909 --> 00:11:26,044
Well, we're so pleased
to have you here.
259
00:11:26,046 --> 00:11:30,882
And be "we," I mean myself
and Jesus Christ.
260
00:11:30,884 --> 00:11:32,183
Jesus is here?
261
00:11:32,185 --> 00:11:35,653
Well, he's not here
in-- in body.
262
00:11:35,655 --> 00:11:38,056
Not until we break out
the communion bread.
263
00:11:38,058 --> 00:11:40,859
That's a whole thing with
a special Jesus bread we have,
264
00:11:40,861 --> 00:11:42,060
but I can't explain it.
265
00:11:42,062 --> 00:11:45,230
However, I receive messages
266
00:11:45,232 --> 00:11:47,165
from Jesus himself.
267
00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:49,167
Wow.
Can I receive messages--
268
00:11:49,169 --> 00:11:50,535
No, just me.
269
00:11:50,537 --> 00:11:53,171
But I will let you know
what he says.
270
00:11:53,173 --> 00:11:56,074
Oh, so beautiful, my child.
271
00:11:56,076 --> 00:11:58,576
You were made in God's image,
you know.
272
00:11:58,578 --> 00:12:00,712
I thought
I used to be a monkey.
273
00:12:00,714 --> 00:12:03,748
Darwin was a family friend.
274
00:12:03,750 --> 00:12:05,516
Charles Darwin, ha!
275
00:12:05,518 --> 00:12:09,287
Darwin's now roasting in hell
for the things that he said!
276
00:12:09,289 --> 00:12:12,757
And the same will happen to you
unless you join our religion...
277
00:12:12,759 --> 00:12:14,692
of love.
278
00:12:14,694 --> 00:12:16,761
Okay, I'll do it.
279
00:12:16,763 --> 00:12:18,363
Oh, really?
280
00:12:18,365 --> 00:12:21,633
I usually just do the whole
"hell" thing as wind-up.
281
00:12:21,635 --> 00:12:24,869
Then comes the carrot
on the stick of heaven
282
00:12:24,871 --> 00:12:27,438
and the afterlife.
283
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:29,474
- Don't need it?
- Mm-mm.
284
00:12:29,476 --> 00:12:31,709
You want to hear about it,
because it's pretty great.
285
00:12:31,711 --> 00:12:35,980
Um... I mean, you can tell me,
but I'm fine.
286
00:12:35,982 --> 00:12:38,383
Just so you know, it'll mean
giving up any beliefs
287
00:12:38,385 --> 00:12:39,951
you've had before this moment.
288
00:12:39,953 --> 00:12:41,419
All right.
289
00:12:41,421 --> 00:12:43,821
Okay, that's no smoking,
no drinking,
290
00:12:43,823 --> 00:12:46,624
no dancing-- especially dancing.
291
00:12:46,626 --> 00:12:48,293
No more sex at all.
292
00:12:48,295 --> 00:12:50,595
It is very important
that the church controls
293
00:12:50,597 --> 00:12:52,397
what a woman does with her body.
294
00:12:52,399 --> 00:12:54,165
Don't you agree?
295
00:12:54,167 --> 00:12:56,100
She can't be trusted
with that thing alone.
296
00:12:56,102 --> 00:12:57,735
No, you can't be trusted
with that thing.
297
00:12:57,737 --> 00:13:00,338
Oh, makes sense.
298
00:13:00,340 --> 00:13:02,941
Well, this is the easiest
conversion I've ever done
299
00:13:02,943 --> 00:13:07,345
I did tell you she was
my simplest child, didn't I?
300
00:13:10,650 --> 00:13:12,083
[knock at door]
301
00:13:12,085 --> 00:13:15,486
Leave the biscuits out--
302
00:13:15,488 --> 00:13:18,957
Oh! Bertram.
[giggles]
303
00:13:18,959 --> 00:13:20,792
What are you doing
in my dressing chambers
304
00:13:20,794 --> 00:13:22,760
at this inappropriate hour?
305
00:13:22,762 --> 00:13:27,131
Well, I was hoping I might
have a word with you, Grandma?
306
00:13:27,133 --> 00:13:30,301
Are you wondering
why I'm settling for jerky
307
00:13:30,303 --> 00:13:33,604
when there's so much fresh meat
on the market?
308
00:13:33,606 --> 00:13:36,808
I don't know what that means,
but I've already eaten.
309
00:13:36,810 --> 00:13:39,277
[giggles]
I mean, aren't you kind of wondering
310
00:13:39,279 --> 00:13:43,982
why a young lady like myself is
marrying your old grandpa?
311
00:13:43,984 --> 00:13:45,850
Are you much younger than him?
312
00:13:45,852 --> 00:13:48,052
Yes, by about five decades.
313
00:13:48,054 --> 00:13:52,156
Ha! Time is a funny thing.
314
00:13:52,158 --> 00:13:54,425
Between us, Grandma,
315
00:13:54,427 --> 00:13:59,097
I think I might be falling
for your sister.
316
00:13:59,099 --> 00:14:01,432
Well, that's terrible news!
317
00:14:01,434 --> 00:14:03,234
Why? Love is beautiful.
318
00:14:03,236 --> 00:14:05,903
I know, but I mean--
I mean, she's barren.
319
00:14:05,905 --> 00:14:07,772
Well, that's perfect.
320
00:14:07,774 --> 00:14:10,475
I'm sterile
from a dressage accident.
321
00:14:10,477 --> 00:14:12,243
And she keeps a diary
of all of her BM's.
322
00:14:12,245 --> 00:14:14,479
I mean, every ropey crap
is documented.
323
00:14:14,481 --> 00:14:16,314
I mean, how disgusting.
324
00:14:16,316 --> 00:14:18,116
Well, if we don't think about
what we've done,
325
00:14:18,118 --> 00:14:20,018
how will we ever learn
how to grow?
326
00:14:20,020 --> 00:14:23,321
What could you possible see
in Hortense?
327
00:14:23,323 --> 00:14:26,424
Well, I suppose I don't see
much of anything
328
00:14:26,426 --> 00:14:29,193
on account of my glaucoma.
329
00:14:29,195 --> 00:14:32,063
[dramatic tones]
330
00:14:32,065 --> 00:14:35,166
[sobbing]
331
00:14:35,168 --> 00:14:37,368
Get up, you sniveling idiot.
332
00:14:37,370 --> 00:14:39,170
I'm sorry, Celery.
It's just--
333
00:14:39,172 --> 00:14:41,773
I didn't sacrifice everything
I've sacrificed
334
00:14:41,775 --> 00:14:43,574
just to end up married
to some idiot
335
00:14:43,576 --> 00:14:45,276
who isn't the vice president.
336
00:14:45,278 --> 00:14:47,011
Ow!
337
00:14:47,013 --> 00:14:51,582
I refuse to be screwed over by
you screwing your stupid sister.
338
00:14:51,584 --> 00:14:53,651
We are going to do something
about this.
339
00:14:56,050 --> 00:14:58,384
[applause]
340
00:14:58,386 --> 00:15:00,619
And here's where he resigns.
341
00:15:00,621 --> 00:15:05,024
My feral Americans.
A great scourge threatens us.
342
00:15:05,026 --> 00:15:08,193
A base sin
that corrodes the bonds
343
00:15:08,195 --> 00:15:11,430
of the very thing
that makes us American.
344
00:15:11,432 --> 00:15:14,800
That sin... is incest.
345
00:15:14,802 --> 00:15:16,468
And we've all been there.
346
00:15:16,470 --> 00:15:19,872
I, myself, in my youth,
347
00:15:19,874 --> 00:15:22,508
allowed the temptation
of sister flesh to overtake me.
348
00:15:22,510 --> 00:15:24,076
[voice breaks]
349
00:15:24,078 --> 00:15:26,145
Youth? Those photos were
from a month ago.
350
00:15:26,147 --> 00:15:31,683
I let my caramel urges
get the best--
351
00:15:31,685 --> 00:15:33,585
Sorry.
[clears throat]
352
00:15:33,587 --> 00:15:39,258
I let my caramel nurges
get the best of me.
353
00:15:39,260 --> 00:15:41,193
I betrayed myself.
354
00:15:41,195 --> 00:15:42,995
I betrayed my country.
355
00:15:42,997 --> 00:15:46,098
But most of all,
I betrayed my Lord and Savior,
356
00:15:46,100 --> 00:15:48,867
Jesus Heaven Christ.
357
00:15:48,869 --> 00:15:51,937
He's spinning this
like a pro.
358
00:15:51,939 --> 00:15:54,606
Maybe he's not as dim-witted
as we thought.
359
00:15:54,608 --> 00:15:57,009
And I stand before you today
360
00:15:57,011 --> 00:15:59,745
with newly invigorated values
361
00:15:59,747 --> 00:16:02,581
and I hereby offer myself
362
00:16:02,583 --> 00:16:06,885
as the new face
of the anti-incest movement.
363
00:16:06,887 --> 00:16:08,420
[laughs]
364
00:16:08,422 --> 00:16:13,225
Because we as a nation
are too blessed for incest.
365
00:16:13,227 --> 00:16:14,259
[laughs]
366
00:16:14,261 --> 00:16:17,196
[man beatboxing]
367
00:16:18,799 --> 00:16:19,932
Well, I've killed
a lot of people.
368
00:16:19,934 --> 00:16:21,733
Mostly accidentally.
369
00:16:21,735 --> 00:16:23,936
I sometimes wish my children
had never been born.
370
00:16:23,938 --> 00:16:25,938
Although I've only spoken to
my children three or four times
371
00:16:25,940 --> 00:16:27,873
so I guess
it doesn't really count.
372
00:16:27,875 --> 00:16:29,441
Oh, and don't tell anyone this,
373
00:16:29,443 --> 00:16:31,677
but I've always thought
I was prettier than Lillian.
374
00:16:31,679 --> 00:16:33,979
Hold on, let's-- let's think
of this another way.
375
00:16:33,981 --> 00:16:37,282
Are there any sins
that you haven't committed?
376
00:16:37,284 --> 00:16:39,818
Um...
377
00:16:39,820 --> 00:16:41,353
Avarice?
378
00:16:41,355 --> 00:16:43,122
Is that where I put a vagina
in my mouth,
379
00:16:43,124 --> 00:16:45,090
'cause if it is,
I did that too.
380
00:16:45,092 --> 00:16:48,193
We all get hungry
from time to time.
381
00:16:48,195 --> 00:16:51,897
I once took a bite
of a Mexican fold-sandwich.
382
00:16:51,899 --> 00:16:54,633
A taco, they called it.
Can you imagine?
383
00:16:54,635 --> 00:16:56,435
That reminds me
of another sin I did--
384
00:16:56,437 --> 00:16:58,203
No, that's all right.
385
00:16:58,205 --> 00:17:02,841
Beatrice Downsy, I hereby
absolve you of all of your sins.
386
00:17:02,843 --> 00:17:06,145
Wow. I am so happy
I could kill someone.
387
00:17:06,147 --> 00:17:08,647
But I won't.
But I could.
388
00:17:08,649 --> 00:17:09,815
Well, if you do,
just come back to me.
389
00:17:09,817 --> 00:17:12,284
I'll do the thing again.
390
00:17:12,286 --> 00:17:14,219
I like it.
391
00:17:14,221 --> 00:17:16,989
[hip-hop tones]
392
00:17:18,059 --> 00:17:20,425
The week of my wedding should
be the happiest time
393
00:17:20,427 --> 00:17:21,927
of my life
and seeing Hortense happy
394
00:17:21,929 --> 00:17:23,862
is completely ruining that.
395
00:17:23,864 --> 00:17:25,397
So I thought it might be nice
396
00:17:25,399 --> 00:17:27,366
to do something
for Bertram's glaucoma.
397
00:17:27,368 --> 00:17:30,302
Then he can see Hortense
and come to his senses.
398
00:17:30,304 --> 00:17:32,804
You know, as a wedding present
to myself.
399
00:17:32,806 --> 00:17:34,339
What do you think, Doctor?
400
00:17:34,341 --> 00:17:36,375
Grandma said if anyone
can help us, you could.
401
00:17:36,377 --> 00:17:38,210
I think we should get started.
402
00:17:38,212 --> 00:17:40,746
I haven't done eye surgery
in a while, but, hey,
403
00:17:40,748 --> 00:17:42,347
what's the worst
that could happen?
404
00:17:42,349 --> 00:17:44,349
Well, if there's one thing
Hortense hates,
405
00:17:44,351 --> 00:17:46,351
it's a man
with imperfect vision.
406
00:17:46,353 --> 00:17:48,620
No one likes blind people.
407
00:17:48,622 --> 00:17:50,455
Go ahead and lay back.
408
00:17:54,161 --> 00:17:55,727
[screaming]
409
00:17:55,729 --> 00:17:59,631
[man beatboxing]
410
00:17:59,633 --> 00:18:00,899
So I'm allowed to mess up
411
00:18:00,901 --> 00:18:02,367
as long as I pray
for forgiveness.
412
00:18:02,369 --> 00:18:04,036
Then I get to go to heaven?
413
00:18:04,038 --> 00:18:06,038
Yes, as long as you were
trying to follow the rules
414
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,839
in the first place--
415
00:18:07,841 --> 00:18:09,841
it's one of God's many
convenient technicalities.
416
00:18:09,843 --> 00:18:12,411
But after I pray, I go back
to zero on the hell scale?
417
00:18:12,413 --> 00:18:15,047
Yes, prayer
is a very powerful tool.
418
00:18:15,049 --> 00:18:18,217
- I once prayed away a hurricane.
- That was you?
419
00:18:18,219 --> 00:18:20,352
- Yeah. You're welcome.
- Oh.
420
00:18:20,354 --> 00:18:21,687
Well, if praying
keeps you out of hell,
421
00:18:21,689 --> 00:18:23,422
why doesn't everybody do it?
422
00:18:23,424 --> 00:18:24,856
We also believe that people
shouldn't ask too many questions
423
00:18:24,858 --> 00:18:26,058
because the church
has come up with
424
00:18:26,060 --> 00:18:27,559
all of the correct conclusions,
425
00:18:27,561 --> 00:18:29,361
therefore, you don't need
to ask questions.
426
00:18:29,363 --> 00:18:30,963
One last question.
427
00:18:30,965 --> 00:18:33,198
If I were to, say, kill myself.
428
00:18:33,200 --> 00:18:34,366
Oh, please do.
429
00:18:34,368 --> 00:18:35,767
- What?
- Hm?
430
00:18:35,769 --> 00:18:37,336
I was saying,
if I were to kill myself,
431
00:18:37,338 --> 00:18:39,071
but I asked for forgiveness
right beforehand,
432
00:18:39,073 --> 00:18:42,541
where am I at, heaven-wise?
433
00:18:42,543 --> 00:18:45,444
- Fine.
- Oh, okay. Good to know.
434
00:18:45,446 --> 00:18:48,347
[bells tolling]
435
00:18:55,556 --> 00:18:58,523
[shaky breaths]
436
00:19:04,365 --> 00:19:07,332
[water gurgling]
437
00:19:13,140 --> 00:19:17,609
I baptize you, Beatrice Downsy
nee Bellacourt,
438
00:19:17,611 --> 00:19:22,414
in the name of the Father, the Son,
and the Holy Spirit.
439
00:19:22,416 --> 00:19:24,983
[Hallelujah chorus]
440
00:19:24,985 --> 00:19:26,785
Wow.
441
00:19:26,787 --> 00:19:28,620
- Can we go again?
- No, no, no--
442
00:19:28,622 --> 00:19:31,458
- I'm going.
- It doesn't count as extra.
443
00:19:32,634 --> 00:19:35,635
[light chamber music]
444
00:19:35,637 --> 00:19:38,571
445
00:19:38,573 --> 00:19:41,340
Where is Beatrice?
446
00:19:41,342 --> 00:19:43,643
I can't have
this emaciated donkey face
447
00:19:43,645 --> 00:19:45,478
be my only bridesmaid.
448
00:19:45,480 --> 00:19:46,612
Eat shit.
449
00:19:46,614 --> 00:19:47,913
I've never had the pleasure
450
00:19:47,915 --> 00:19:49,782
of marrying two people
on land before.
451
00:19:49,784 --> 00:19:52,284
I'm a sea captain.
452
00:19:52,286 --> 00:19:55,921
Everybody, please, it's time!
Sit down! Please!
453
00:19:55,923 --> 00:19:58,190
Dear children of God,
we are gathered here
454
00:19:58,192 --> 00:20:00,960
to join these two
in holy matrimony,
455
00:20:00,962 --> 00:20:03,329
which is an honorable
and solemn estate--
456
00:20:03,331 --> 00:20:04,630
Okay, boat boy,
get to the part
457
00:20:04,632 --> 00:20:05,831
where you pronounce us
man and wife.
458
00:20:05,833 --> 00:20:07,199
Repeat after me.
"I, Lillian..."
459
00:20:07,201 --> 00:20:10,169
- I, both of us...
- "Take thee..."
460
00:20:10,171 --> 00:20:11,771
Take each other,
right, Laverne?
461
00:20:11,773 --> 00:20:13,606
I don't feel so good.
462
00:20:13,608 --> 00:20:15,608
"To be your lawfully wedded
spouses..."
463
00:20:15,610 --> 00:20:17,109
Okay, I know the rest.
464
00:20:17,111 --> 00:20:18,511
To love and to cherish
till death us do part
465
00:20:18,513 --> 00:20:20,212
according to God's
holy ordinance.
466
00:20:20,214 --> 00:20:21,847
I pledge my troth unto thee
and have forsaken all others
467
00:20:21,849 --> 00:20:23,716
and cleave myself unto only you.
468
00:20:23,718 --> 00:20:26,052
I do.
Don't you agree, Laverne?
469
00:20:26,054 --> 00:20:28,020
I think I need...
470
00:20:28,022 --> 00:20:29,689
a doctor.
471
00:20:29,691 --> 00:20:31,490
Or a diaper.
472
00:20:31,492 --> 00:20:33,893
Okay, that wasn't word
perfect, but it will do.
473
00:20:33,895 --> 00:20:37,063
May I have the ring, please?
474
00:20:37,065 --> 00:20:39,832
Here you go, Grandpa.
475
00:20:39,834 --> 00:20:42,334
- What's this?
- Just put it on my finger.
476
00:20:42,336 --> 00:20:44,236
Put it on my finger.
477
00:20:44,238 --> 00:20:45,971
Come on, Laverne.
478
00:20:48,676 --> 00:20:50,042
- No...
- [groaning]
479
00:20:50,044 --> 00:20:52,578
[all gasping]
480
00:20:52,580 --> 00:20:55,287
[tense music]
481
00:20:55,288 --> 00:20:57,151
_
482
00:20:57,152 --> 00:20:59,952
Sync and corrections by n17t01
www.addic7ed.com
483
00:21:00,002 --> 00:21:04,552
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