Original subtitles

[GUITAR PLAYING "HAVA NAGILA"]

[SINGING "HAVA NAGILA"]

ILLYA: Hey, amigo.

Buenos, buenos or whatever. Heh.

My rotund friend, since you are obviously very well-fed...

...and I am a little hungry...

...perhaps you could treat me to an enchilada or two...

...and I will sing for you, huh?

Sin verg�enza.

Hey!

Hey, you are very rude. I refuse to eat with you.

Give me your wallet, I will buy the food for myself.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Polic�a! Polic�a! Polic�a!

Polic�a! Polic�a!

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[IN AMERICAN ACCENT] Open Channel D, please.

Hemispheric relay.

[SIGNAL SOUNDING]

QV ready and receiving. Proceed with report.

This is Feodore.

You may inform Mr. Waverly that I have just been beaten, robbed...

...and sung to by a very foul, smelly young man...

...who has probably earned himself at least five years at hard labor.

At least, we hope so, don't we?

Feodore's report from Chacua.

Sarah, you're devastating, and I'm mad about you.

Oh, no, you're not getting me anywhere near that secret map room again.

Read.

Uh-huh.

Suppose, my darling, you wanted to build a fortress...

...you know, with guards, guns, maximum security...

...very secret, very impregnable...

...where would you put that kind of thing, that fortress? Hmm?

I don't know. I never wanted to be impregnable.

Oh, I see.

Well, I think if you were Thrush, you'd probably put it...

...where there were already guns and guards and security.

Possibly somewhere like this.

A penal colony in South America.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

[CRACKLING]

[ALARM BLARING]

We will turn the computer over to Thrush. Have your men prepare for the transfer.

[ALARM STOPS]

[BLEEPING]

Cervantes, there you are.

Come take a look.

All right.

[DEVICE HUMMING]

We've just concluded at the British Museum in London...

...and we are almost finished at the Huntington Library in California.

And that completes our entire programming.

[HUMMING STOPS]

[LOW WHIRRING SOUND]

Amazing.

Look at it.

Mmm.

How I hate it with its inhuman perfection. Hmp.

- In my day, young man-- - We're no longer in your day, old man.

Look at it, I say...

...all the knowledge in the world with one push of a button.

That's the generation we're in now.

Subjective error, human frailty, eliminated.

CERVANTES: Look at it.

And man shall not worship idols.

[CHUCKLES]

And that's where it is.

Where what is?

The Thrush ultimate computer.

A mechanical brain with a memory bank that has every tidbit...

...every fact, every bit of knowledge that Thrush will ever need against us.

Well, what's that got to do with it?

So if all Thrush has to do is push a little button...

...to have their policies mathematically computed...

...and their battle tactics perfectly planned....

Sugarpie--

Oh.

The Thrush octopus makes few enough mistakes as it is.

And that machine, once operative, could render it almost infallible.

Will you get me the Oliver file, Miss, uh, Sugarpie?

[CHUCKLES]

Yes, Mr. Waverly.

[CERVANTES HUMMING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Enter.

Well, young man, let's see.

Forged passport, attempted robbery, assault? Tsk, tsk.

Quite a colorful young fellow.

Well, you'll find we are simple folk here.

Up at dawn to watch the sunrise, plenty of hard work and the fresh air.

Breakfast, of course, is continental style.

Oh, hmm, yes, if you try to escape...

...we will sever the tendons behind your knees...

...so you will never be able to try that again.

And naturally, we trust that over the course of the next, um, seven years...

...our relationship will develop into a warm and lasting friendship.

Good day.

[SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[PHONE RINGING]

Well, I beat you both. I've got a full house.

[CHUCKLES]

Ahem. Come on.

[SIGHS]

Deal them again.

Hello. Yes, just a minute, please.

Well, what do you want? I'm busy. Huh?

Oh, hello, Cervantes, where have you been?

Admitting a new prisoner, governor.

A rather special one, I think.

The business of Thrush takes precedence over all of your silly prison paperwork.

I've told you that.

You torture those poor devils on your own time.

I believe I have seen the new prisoner before, governor...

...in a file I once saw prior to my joining computer security here.

A file? What file? What file?

If my memory serves me right, governor...

...the new prisoner, one Illya Kuryakin by name...

...happens to be an U.N.C.L.E. agent.

We have less than a week...

...before Thrush takes the computer out of Chacua into the field.

Sir, getting Illya imprisoned in the penal colony...

...doesn't necessarily guarantee he'll get a shot at the computer.

Thrush must have a million electronic warning devices all over the place.

Well, that's quite right.

Powered by generators located somewhere in here.

And that will be your job, Mr. Solo.

Knock out the power that supplies their alarm system...

...so that Mr. Kuryakin can reach the computer and destroy it.

Well, how do you propose I coordinate my activities...

...outside the penal colony with those of Illya in the inside?

Observe.

Miss Salty Oliver?

Age, 26 years, field worker...

...for the International Society for the Improvement of World Penal Conditions.

Presently assigned to the penal colony at Chacua.

And authorized by international regulations...

...to go in and out of the place at will.

Oh, I see. How do we get to her?

She's here in New York, now.

Making her annual progress report to the society.

And if we work things properly...

...she should be stepping into our offices in about an hour.

[BELL JINGLING]

- Good morning. - Good morning.

I'm Miss Oliver. I suppose the hotel called you.

Some myopic waiter stepped on the hem of my dress.

Darned near on purpose if you ask me.

- If you'll just step in the fitting room. - Okay.

Yes, please.

Oh, you're to bill them, you understand?

Yes, ma'am.

[STEAM HISSING]

Oh.

[GRUNTS]

SOLO: You have any comprehension--

- I understand perfectly, Mr. Solo. - Good.

U.N.C.L.E. are the good guys. Thrush are the bad guys.

Something of a simplifica--

Grown men thrashing around like power-mad juveniles.

What kind of television do you people watch?

If you'll just remain quiet for one moment, I--

Oh, and the bad guys have this secret computer...

...who does everybody's laundry or something.

- I mean, really, the whole thing's absurd. - Not quite as absurd you may think it is.

What is all this anyway?

Have mercy on me for one moment and listen to what I'm trying to tell you.

What do you think I'm doing?

I realize the whole thing seems a bit fantastic to you--

No need to be rude, you know.

- I mean, after all, I didn't ask-- - Is it possible for you to be quiet?

Could you be quiet?

Well, it is possible.

Now, if the Thrush ultimate computer is used...

...there's very good chance that half of the people in the world...

...will be subjected to a subservience far worse than the poor souls...

...that you administer unto at the penal colony.

Does that sound like television?

Well....

Oh, for goodness sakes, what do you want me for anyway?

For company.

I mean, you do go in and out of the penal colony.

There isn't any hotel down there...

...and you are quartered at the governor's house.

Oh, the governor.

I can well imagine that he's one of those Thrushbirds...

...or whatever you're talking about.

Dirty old man.

Well, you live at his house.

Oh, yes. His one concession to morality, I'm sure.

Anyway, what good does that do you?

I mean, I can't take you home with me, you know, like a bag of groceries.

No, not like a bag of groceries...

...but you could take me home if I were your husband.

Just think of it, Cervantes.

Within 12 hours...

...I shall be hosting the most elite congregation...

...of Thrush officials ever assembled. Mm-hm.

A bit young some of them perhaps, but capable.

The computer will be ready for presentation, sir.

Yes, the computer. Yeah.

You would think that they would come to honor the man...

...instead of the machine, wouldn't you?

But, sir, this is the ultimate computer.

Oh, yes, well, they'll have their computer all properly assembled...

...toward the obsolescence of the good old human mind.

Oh, and incidentally, don't you two chicks go snuggling up...

...with any of those 40- and 50-year-old fellows...

...just because they're executives, you know.

Remember who's the papa around here.

[CHUCKLING]

[IN FOREIGN ACCENT] Hold on to that, monsieur. Go on.

[CHUCKLES]

Excuse me, governor. Miss Oliver, she is here with her new husband, sir.

Her husband, eh? She--

I still can't believe it.

[CHUCKLES]

You missed out there too, didn't you, huh? Hmm.

Eh, that wicked witch of the north, she sort of appealed to you, I think, huh?

I admire intelligence, governor.

Well, so do I, but what's that got to do with women?

I'm going to have a last-minute check on that computer...

...and then I'm going to have a look at that not-so-silent...

...and not-so-distant U.N.C.L.E. agent that we've inherited from somewhere.

CALLAHAN: I don't like that.

Just a minute.

Can't you--? Oh. Oh, Miss Oliver.

- Hello, governor. - Yeah, or should I say Mrs.--

Toomey, sir. Phillip Toomey. Great pleasure, I'm sure.

- Mr. Toomey? SOLO: Yes. Heh-heh.

There are my two nurses, Mr. Toomey, Flora and Dora.

They help to make life a little easier for me.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[LAUGHS]

And this is Cervantes, the captain of the prison guard.

Yes, sir. Great pleasure.

[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Yes, of course.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

I say, do you golf, captain, by any chance?

- Do I what? - What about you, guv?

Guv, that's good, isn't it? Guv.

Governor, I'll be making my usual rounds at the penal colony this afternoon.

No, come now, this is your honeymoon.

You do know about honeymoons, don't you?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

You know, I've lived in this room...

...but somehow, it doesn't seem quite so dreary with somebody else here.

[NORMAL VOICE] I'm sure that when you really do get married...

...that some nice young guy's gonna feel exactly the same way.

Well, I....

I guess I better change for a bath.

SOLO: Where did you say it was...

...when the guards shooed you away from the area?

SALTY: I was out riding by the river.

Couple of Cervantes' Neanderthals found me and acted as if I was on sacred soil.

SOLO: Mm-hm.

Is that the river at the north end of the peninsula?

Yes.

Huh.

Well, I might be doing a little boating myself...

...this afternoon, my dear.

Hmm.

You be very careful that nobody sees you when you drop this package.

What package?

The--

What's the matter?

[MUMBLES]

Not a thing that I can think of.

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

[ILLYA WHISTLING "HAVA NAGILA"]

[WHISTLING CONTINUES]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[AIR HISSING]

[SNORING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Captain Cervantes.

[SNORING CONTINUES]

Captain Cervantes.

[SNORING STOPS]

What? Huh--

Ah, Se�ora Toomey.

How can you justify the use of these whips on human beings?

Ooh!

Well, perhaps the same way you can justify giving aid...

...to that U.N.C.L.E. agent out there.

What are you talking about?

Also to your so-called husband...

...whom, by the way, my men have already arrested for trespassing.

Of course, the governor knows about Kuryakin.

But I think he would be so surprised...

...if I told him that your handsome bridegroom...

...is also an U.N.C.L.E. agent, that you would have...

...very little chance of leaving this place alive.

Please, I'll tell him to leave.

He can go without hurting anything, please.

[CHUCKLES]

You are a very spirited girl, Salty.

Also very desirable.

Surely you must know that I have looked on you for some time...

...with a degree of longing.

Yes, I know.

Then suppose the governor finds out nothing...

...about your Mr. Toomey from me.

Suppose I go so far as to be of service to you.

Your heroes will go free, which is what you want.

And I get you. Which is what I want.

It's a fair deal, mi alma.

You do want your bridegroom to survive?

Yes.

Muy bueno.

Then tell Kuryakin that he need to wait only 10 minutes tonight...

...when the cook brings the guards their evening coffee.

It will be drugged.

He should have no trouble.

And, mi corazon...

...if he should ask you how come you got my help so easily...

...tell him you just couldn't resist me.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

[CHUCKLING]

I hope you haven't been too uncomfortable, Mr. Solo.

Oh, no. No, no. Normal, as I should've.

[HANDCUFF FALLS]

Is this the last one? Yes.

Oh, the weapon is loaded and the bullets are real, yeah.

I'm not quite sure you are.

[CHUCKLING]

Very foolish of you to go poking around our generators by yourself, Mr. Solo.

But if they were somehow to be put out of commission...

...then your friend, Mr. Kuryakin, will have no difficulties...

...with the computer alarm system now, would he?

Well, if the bullets are real, captain...

...you'd do well to not move around right now.

[CHUCKLING]

I have drugged the prison guards' coffee so your friend should find his job easy...

...providing you and I can take out the generators, huh?

Well, well, well?

It's rather odd that a Thrush security captain will be playing Henry Helpful.

Mr. Solo...

...in about one hour, several high-ranking Thrush officials will congregate here...

...to take delivery of the computer for use against U.N.C.L.E. in the field.

Now, you do have a choice. Yes.

You can either trust me or....

- Yes, as they say, go on. - Heh.

Or you can fail to stop the computer, get killed yourself in the bargain...

...and let Thrush conquer the world.

It's up to you, of course.

- Of course. - Heh.

[CUPS CLANGING]

[BUZZING]

By the way, where's Salty?

Back in the house waiting, safely...

...but not for you.

You see, I promise her I'll help you before she and I go away together.

Chivalrous devil, aren't you?

[CHUCKLING]

SOLO: Hold it.

What's the time? When do the guards get that coffee?

The drugs should have worked about 12 minutes ago.

Your friend should be inside by now.

Is that right? With the alarm system still functioning?

[CRACKLING]

[BUZZING CONTINUES]

[SPARKING]

[GUNSHOTS]

[EXPLOSION]

I know this one. His name is Rodriguez, he's a very good shot.

Rodriguez! Rodriguez!

[CERVANTES SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Rodriguez!

[CHUCKLING]

Rodriguez!

Well, after all, how do you think I got to be captain?

[DOOR CLOSES]

- Well, that's that. - Not quite.

Whatever deal you finagled with Salty, don't count on it.

Oh, but you see, I am counting on it, se�or.

You see, after all my bargain was with her, not with you.

Enough. A Thrush doesn't change his feathers just to please a lady.

Now, let's start leveling with each other.

Listen, gringo, I'm in as much trouble as you now.

What do you say we get the girl out of here before we kill each other over her?

[SIGNAL SOUNDING]

The job is done. And so am I.

I'm sunburned, blistered, grimy and very, very hungry.

I'm glad I don't have to take you out in public anywhere.

Now, get that disreputable-looking body out of here as fast as you can, posthaste.

I'm going back after Salty.

Going back for Salty, but you can't go alone.

SOLO: Now, don't make waves, Illya. I'll join you later.

Take care.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Tomorrow morning, you can put in your complaint to Thrush if you want to.

But tonight, whether you like it or not, you are a waiter.

Now, get going.

Si, patron.

And wash your hands. Uh--

Well, well, well.

Well, the blushing bride, what have you done to yourself?

- Having a party, governor? - Yes, indeed I am.

And I would love to have had the newlyweds join us, but--

Thanks just the same.

But we've had other plans and, well, I....

Unfortunately, what with your U.N.C.L.E. bridegroom...

...on his way here to get killed and you about to be bound and gagged....

Oh, my dear, how pale you look. Heh.

Perhaps you'd better sit down, huh?

Come in here.

I don't know what you people are up to, but I can advise you to--

Actually, my dear, I have known about the prisoner Kuryakin...

...and Napoleon Solo for quite some time now.

Well, now, just a minute.

As a matter of fact it was I who had Cervantes offer you...

...that little proposition.

You see, my dear, we've known for some time...

...that U.N.C.L.E. would continue assaults against the ultimate computer.

So we allowed that Kuryakin fellow...

...to destroy what he thinks was the computer, do you understand?

Well, now see here, governor, you can't--

And Kuryakin will make a daring escape back to U.N.C.L.E...

...and report a job well done.

Then they will pat him on the head and they will stop looking for the computer.

Clever, huh? Here, have a drink.

No, thank you. What are you gonna do about Solo?

Oh, your Napoleon? Well, that's another matter.

He should be on his way here right now to rescue you.

Although as far as I'm concerned, I don't see why.

- Go on, have a drink. - No, I don't want a drink.

You let the other one go, why don't you let Solo go?

I'll stay, I'll do what you want.

The only thing I want from you, young lady, is to stop bellowing.

That's my privilege.

[CALLAHAN COUGHS]

I couldn't afford to let two top U.N.C.L.E. officials escape.

That'd be bad business.

- There's one thing I will do for you, though. - What?

I'll bury the two of you side by side, how's that?

[QUIETLY] Salty.

Salty?

- Salty? - We're gonna try downstairs.

The Thrush guests have all arrived, I think. And be careful.

Don't hesitate to use that gun if you have to. I don't want to die here.

Well, well, well, Mr. Solo.

CALLAHAN: Well, now, where have you been? Hmm?

You look so disheveled and you've lost your mustache too.

Oh, my, my.

Where has he been, Cervantes?

Where would you like me?

In there, please.

And do something about that wailing wife of yours, will you?

CALLAHAN: She's been crying all over my carpet.

Salty?

- What on Earth have you-- - Done to yourself?

Napoleon, your friend destroyed the wrong computer.

I mean, whatever it was he destroyed was the wrong one.

I'm afraid, Mr. Solo, I have not been quite honest with you.

Well, that doesn't come as much of a shock to me.

You let Illya escape so U.N.C.L.E. would think...

...that their worries about the ultimate computer were over?

Mmm. Very astute for a young fellow.

Governor, we better hurry. The men are ready to bring the computer up.

Very fine, very fine.

Mr. Solo, we'll come back later and kill you...

...after all the strangers leave.

Oh. I see, you mean the bigwigs might get worried...

...if they thought us little U.N.C.L.E. agents were sneaking around, huh?

Oh, nonsense.

We wouldn't want to upset them while they're praising me, you know.

Oh, yes. Might I borrow your pen, please?

Yes.

CERVANTES: Thank you very much.

Napoleon?

Napoleon?

[VEHICLE APPROACHING]

- Napoleon? - Hmm?

Could you have been attracted to me?

Aside from our being married, I mean.

Well, if I weren't quite so tied up at the moment...

[WHISPERS] ...I would show you.

[CHUCKLES]

That's nice.

You know, it's funny...

...when you're time's running out, you begin regretting....

I mean, I--

Well, I think one should take one's emotions when one can...

...shouldn't one?

[SALTY GROANS, SOLO CHUCKLES]

Indubitably.

Many months ago, Thrush honored me...

...by leaving the ultimate computer in my care for its final preparation.

And I can modestly say that now...

...as I near the end of my long and devoted Thrush career....

[ILLYA WHISTLING "HAVA NAGILA"]

[KNOCK]

Engineering and maintenance.

[CERVANTES SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

Be careful, you fools. Yes, down this way, please.

Very, very careful, yes. Now, bring it in there, here.

You, all of you, come with us inside.

[APPLAUSE]

Come on.

No, no, no, not you. Get back there at the door.

[DOOR CLOSES]

And as, like that old soldier...

...am about to slowly fade away, I....

U.N.C.L.E. agent.

Aah!

Can't you do anything right? You're supposed to be halfway home.

Me? Is it me that got himself tied up like a helpless child?

No. It's you who blew up the wrong computer, though.

- What? - The real one's right here in the house.

Oh, that's what it was.

- How awkward. - Mm-hm.

Those Thrush are going to take the computer when they leave here.

SOLO: Either we barge in there right now and nail it or we lose it.

The guards, they'll shoot you.

- Heh. - Oh, no. You don't understand.

You're gonna get killed.

And for a practical demonstration of how thoroughly the computer has replaced...

...the need for mere human intelligence, I shall now--

SALTY: Good evening.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

SALTY: Hello, sir. Good evening, madam.

Enjoying your fruit there? Isn't it nice?

[MUMBLING]

Very nice.

Good evening, sir.

Sorry to be late, governor.

Stop her. Stop her.

All right, folks. Step to the rear of the bus, please.

The prisoners are escaping! The U.N.C.L.E. agent.

Cervantes, Cervantes. Stay here, stay here.

They went outside.

They went outside!

[COCKS GUN]

Now, if you wanna save your little magic pinball machine...

...all you've gotta do is rush me.

You see, I only got one bomb.

And all I have to do is toss it your way instead of this way, see?

Security, huh?

SOLO: Good luck.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Hey, our prisoner! The Jeep! Stop him!

[GUNSHOTS]

[GUNSHOTS CONTINUE]

[GRUNTS]

Do something. Do something.

Oh, please don't get sneaky. I'm warning you.

SOLO: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Good girl, Salty.

We'll be leaving.

This is going to explode, ladies and gentlemen.

SOLO: If Thrush gives award...

...you don't mind the possibility of a posthumous one.

And I would suggest that you come and get it.

All right.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- Old man, you've made a bad mistake. - Hmm.

- Bye-bye, baby. - Bye, sweetie.

[SOBBING]

CALLAHAN: Oh.

- Oh, no, fatso. - Uhn! Uhn!

No, no. Stay, fatso...

...and enjoy your mechanical marvel a little while longer, huh?

- Governor! - Eeeh.

[LAUGHING]

[EXPLOSION]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Tilt.

Oh, there's filthy now.

Stop fiddling with that. It's time to go and take a bath.

Fiddling? I can't get this thing to work.

I've radioed the Chacuan police...

...but there are Thrush guards all over the countryside.

Napoleon.

ILLYA: Napoleon?

Napoleon!

[HOOD CLOSES]

Oh, Salty, my love, the first evening we're back in New York...

...is going to rival the night on Olympus.

SOLO AND ILLYA [IN UNISON]: The wine, the warmth and us.

Oh, not you.

I thought you will be more special than the rest of them.

- Ahem - The rest of them?

ILLYA: The rest of them.

Yes, he has a kind of an odd--

[ENGINE STARTS]

- Well, you see, occasionally-- - Napoleon Solo.

[BOTH SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY OVER LOUD ENGINE NOISE]

[ENGLISH SDH]