All language subtitles for The.West.Wing.S03E17.WEBRip.x264-FGT

Previously on The West Wing:

When was the last time
you went to a meeting?

A.A.?

What meeting could
I possibly go to?

Mine.

John, tell you
are not showing...

Leo, I have got my own meeting.

There are nine of us--
three Senators

two Cabinet Secretaries,
one Federal Judge

and two Agency Directors.

There's an agent outside.

The whole thing looks
like a card game.

Do I have enemies
in that room?

All our people.

You should think about it.

MAN:
"We humbly asked Him
to remove our shortcomings.

"We made a list
of all persons we had harmed

"and became willing
to make amends to them all.

"We made direct amends
to such people wherever possible

"except when to do so
would injure them or others.

"We continued to take
personal inventory

"and when we were wrong,
promptly admitted it.

"We sought through prayer
and meditation to improve

"our conscious contact
with God as we understood Him--

"as we understood Him--

( clears throat )

"praying only for knowledge
of His will for us

"and the power
to carry that out.

"Having had
a spiritual awakening

"as a result of these steps

"we tried to carry this
message to alcoholics

and practice these principles
in all our affairs."

Okay, I haven't chaired
in awhile.

What do we do next?

Now is when we usually
start drinking.

Okay.
Actually,
I want to talk

about something
before we start.

If you're going to try
and get my committee

to fund that idiot-ass
airplane that can't fly...

It can fly.

That's right.
Just can't land.

Small price to pay,
to be able to fly.

No, I wanted to talk
about Leo.

I'll fund the plane, but
I'm not going to fly on it.

Well, I've been wondering
for a while

if it's a good idea that Leo
keeps coming to these meetings.

Why?

Look, every meeting's
for anybody.

You don't have a password
at the door

just walk in and sit down.

Except where anonymity
is crucial--

even among other alcoholics--
commercial airline pilots

surgeons and us.

Right.
Well...

Leo's out.
He got outed.

And I'm wondering

if it's wise that he's leaving
a trail of bread crumbs

to this room every Thursday
night when he could go

to any meeting...
But he can't go
to any meeting.

There'd be photographers
camped at the door.

I don't know any meeting
where there aren't six guys

that wouldn't beat the crap
out of anybody...

Yeah, that's what we want.

Yeah, so I think
we should consider this...

HOYNES:
Guys.

My meeting.
Leo stays.

There it is.

Know what I forgot?

"What we see here,
what we say here

"what we hear here

stays here."

ALL:
Here, here.

Anybody want to start?

I will.

I'm John.
I'm an alcoholic.

ALL:
Hi, John.

You wanted me?

You guys go out?

Toby had
Capitals tickets.

Good game?

You know what I'd do
if I...?

No, it wasn't.

You know what I'd do
if I owned a hockey team?

I'd hire a sumo wrestler.

I'd give him a uniform,
transportation

500 bucks a week
to sit in the goal

eat a ham sandwich
and enjoy the game.

My team would never get
scored on.

Your team would get
scored on constantly.

Maybe, but we'd sell
a few tickets.

Yeah, 'cause
sumo wrestling

sells out all the time
in big hockey towns.

My idea is
totally inviable?

Well, you're a Democrat.

It's a pretty big club.

What did you need?

Uh, Health, Education
and Welfare

is marking up the Internet
Education Act tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Yeah.

And they told us when?

An hour ago.

They're zeroing out
the Technology Challenge Fund.

That's the Vice
President's thing.

You want to know for how long?

I was working for him
when he created it.

Does he know?

No.

What do you think

he's going to say
when you tell him?

I think he's going to say

"Josh, you look remarkably
like Sam Seaborn."

I can think of a
lot of people

who are better suited
to this than I am.

Who?
Leo.

Leo says you.
Why didn't he say you?

I don't have
the best relationship

with Hoynes,
and neither does Leo.

I don't understand.
You just go in
there and say

"I'm sorry, Mr.
Vice President.

It isn't going
to happen."

Don't you think he's
going to be miffed

if it comes from the Deputy
Communications Director?

Well, we don't want you
to say "I'm sorry."

We want you to work with him
and save the bill.

Oh. All right.

When?

His office is
expecting you

in 20 minutes.

What about
the meeting?

My meeting?

Yeah.
You'll come late.

You still don't
want to tell me
what it's about?

No big deal.
You'll find out

when you get there.
All right.

Thank you.

( sighs )

I've lost my binder from
National Strategies.

The blue one?

The black one with the
secret launch codes.

It'll turn up.

I also need

the Cabinet Affairs
amplification report.

And if you can get

the AP farm
guy back on-line

I'm almost sure
Toby gave me

a punchier quote on
Ag reorganization.

I shall do those things.

You... "shall"?

I shall.

And I'll tell you
what I'd like in exchange.

How about a weekly
salary of some kind?

Yes, plus a favor.

Name it.

It's a big favor.

What do you need?

I had an English teacher
in the 12th grade

named Molly Morello, and she
was one of those teachers

and she's retiring.

For me, it was Mr. Feig

for American history
A.P. and Con Law.

Right. Unusual
as it may seem

we're talking about me.

And the big
favor you want.

All right,
tell me about Mr. Feig.

No, I think that
moment's done

except to say that he
meant the world to me

and he died
four years ago.

Okay, well, Mrs. Morello
is retiring.

Not quite as bad
as dying.

How hard is it to
get a Presidential
proclamation?

Molly Morello Day?

I was hoping for
Molly Morello Month

but I should
be realistic.

Yes.

And that would be
Molly Morello Day?

That would be
a nice letter
from the principal.

Oh, come on.
Get him to sign

a piece of paper,
a little proclamation.

"A little piece
of paper"?

Proclamations have
the full force of law.

The Emancipation Proclamation,
to name just one.

To name the only one.

Listen, I-I don't know

what's involved
with these things.

Probably have
advisory boards, commissions.

The NATO Commander's
involved, possibly.

Can I find out
what's involved?

Yeah, but find me

the blue notebook first,
would you?

Yeah.

I'm going
to the meeting now.

Got a minute?

If I said no,
would it stop you?

No. NEAP figures
are out today.

Okay.
They're up.

So, instead of trailing
18 third-world countries

in reading and math,
we trail how many?

Up's better than down.
Either way, it's news.

The Education Secretary
ought to make a statement.

Tomorrow's no good.

We've got half a dozen events
on the books.

We keep saying education's
our number-one priority.

And tomorrow,
we're trying to make news

on five of our other
number-one priorities.

Don't you have
a meeting?

Two meetings, actually.

Oh, I'll check
the calendar.

Up's better than down.

Where to find a chisel
and a stone tablet.

I need to know what
the Cabinet's doing tomorrow.

Ideally, sometime
before tomorrow.

10:30, Drug Czar
on border control.

Noon, HUD Secretary

on home ownership loans.

Also noon, technical briefing
at ONDCP on...

Is it...
Go back.

What's at noon?

ONDCP technical...

No, the Housing Secretary.

Home ownership loans

at the HUD Event Stage.

Something wrong?

Page the Secretary of Housing
and Urban Development.

I want to see him
in my office.

When?
Look at my face.

Now.

I'm in the Roosevelt Room.

Want me
to pull you out when...?

Please.

Okay, we're e-filing
the old 1040A.

You're single,
head of your household.

Deanna's a dependent.

Your adjusted gross income
is $35,000 per anum.

Sir, I could do
most of this myself.

I love doing this.

Really?

Yeah.

Filing tax returns?

Yeah.

Okay.

What?
I was just thinking

about the plurality
of Americans

who made the decision
to pull a lever

that had your
name next to it.

Suckers.

Okay, your mom's
Social Security

pension benefit is $1,536.

Police pension, $2,400.

And here's where
my question is.

"Do you take
a standard deduction

or do you itemize?"

Yes, sir.

Did you make
any charitable donations?

$500 to the First
Baptist Church

$185 to the Salvation Army

in clothing and
household items

$500 to the Police
Benevolent Society
of Washington, DC

and $250 to Big Brothers and
Sisters of Washington, DC.

Really?

Yeah, plus $430 in
non-reimbursed
medical expenses.

You're better off
with the standard deduction.

Okay.

I'm hitting "send" now.

If you're lying
about any of this

you're going to the joint.

Yeah.

It's going to tell us
what your refund is

but I've done
a quick calculation

and it'll be $700.

That's
what I got, too.

You've spent it already,
haven't you?

I'm getting a
scan DVD player

with MP3 playback.

Free shipping and
tax, it's $499

which will leave
enough left over

to buy a great DVD
I found on eBay.

Yeoman of the Guard?

Oh, how well you know
me, Mr. President.

On Her Majesty's
Secret Service.

Can I tell you
what's messed up

about James Bond?

Nothing.
Shaken not stirred
will get you cold water

with a dash of gin
and dry vermouth.

The reason you stir it

with a special spoon
is so not to chip the ice.

James is ordering a weak martini
and being snooty about it.

Well, I'll reflect
on that while watching

my digital enhanced picture
with theater-quality sound.

( beeping )

Okay.

$700?

$400.

I'm only getting $400 back?

You owe $400.

They're saying I
owe the Federal
Government money.

And you don't even need
a stamp.

Hand it over.

There's a mistake.

Whatever.
Hand it over.

There's no way
I owe money.

That's not quite
how we see it.

Could I sit
down there, please?

Sure.

Good evening,
Mr. President.

You need me?

Yes, sir.

Let's go inside.
Milo? Coop?

Would you help Mr. Young
find his pockets, please?

I'm fine.

There's been a mistake.

I'm sorry to come
straight to you

but Leo's unavailable
right now.

You should be getting a call
from the Energy Secretary

any minute.
What happened?

The wire service is reporting
that a heavy-haul vehicle

carrying depleted uranium
fuel rods crashed

in the Seven Devil
Mountains in Idaho.

It crashed?
It was hit head-on
by another truck

in the Goldfield Tunnel
on Route 234.

Are there
populated areas nearby?

Elk Horn's about
20 miles away

with a population
of 20,000.
Charlie?

The Energy Secretary's
on the phone.

Conference in the Chief

of the Radiological
Assistance Team.
Yes, sir.

Charlie, get me
Fitzwallace,
Nancy McNally

and let all the senior
members of the NSC know

I might need
them tonight.

Yes, sir.

Thank you, Mr. President.

Yeah.

A truck carrying
depleted uranium fuel rods

just crashed in Idaho

20 miles
from a populated town.

Well, what's happening
right now?

The President's
talking to Tommy

about the
radiation threat

and he's talking
to some National
Security people.

There's a problem.

I'm just telling them.

It was a 24-ton Type B

light cask, holding
spent fuel rods

from the nuclear
carrier Truman.

ED:
Does "24-ton Type B"
mean anything

to anybody?
It's a
heavy truck.

You've got to hit it with

another heavy truck.

Why National Security?
C.J.:
What?

You said he was also
talking to National
Security people.

Two trucks
in a completely deserted area

and they just happen
to crash into each other?

I'd want to talk
to somebody, at least.

JOSH:
All right, listen.

Postpone the meeting.

TOBY:
No, let's do it.

This is going to be
all night.

When we get pulled out,
we get pulled out.

It doesn't really seem
appropriate right now.

You spent a long night
with Bruno last night.

Yeah.

And Bruno spent a long night
with Doug the night before.

And?

There's no electoral math

they can come
up with-- none--

that says it's not
worth exploring

replacing the
Vice President
on the ticket.

I had said-- I joked--
that if we win reelection

it was going to be on
the Vice President's coattails.

The way I'm sure I said it
is because it was leaked.

How has the electoral math
changed since then?

By the way... the group
of people were chosen

because they're
the people

Leo wanted to hear
from tonight

but also, because he was
confident there wouldn't

be a leak

and I hope we live up
to that.

How has the math changed?

Bruno doesn't think

Hoynes buys us Texas
with Ritchie in the race.

If we lose Texas this time,
we lose Florida this time

that's a third of the
electoral votes we need to win.

Th-There's a reason
the Republicans are nominating

this man.
Who does?

What?
Who does win Texas
for us?

Nobody.

We're... we're losing Texas.

Wait a second, before we go on
to who does win Texas...

I was just saying...
We've been talking

about this
for a minute and 17 seconds

and we're already discussing

new candidates?
I was saying

if no one's going
to win us Texas

then why change it all?

Can I make it
clear nobody's

advocating
anything.
Bruno and Doug are.

Bruno asked
for a discussion.

What was the answer
to C.J.'s question?

The Northeast
and the Pacific coast

and the industrial Northwest.
JOSH:
Yeah.

If we don't have Florida
and Texas

it means we have to sweep
those three.

Yeah.
And he thinks Hoynes
hurts us there?

He thinks someone else
could help us more.

Did he say who?
Yes.

Who?

Fitzwallace.

He said Fitzwallace,
Toby.

And when you
think about it...

Yeah.

Josh.

Yeah.

How's it going
in there?

It's... you know,
we're just starting.

Well,
make sure you get creative.

Get people thinking

even though
you know...
Yeah.

I'm going to go in there alone
for a minute.

( clears throat )

( knocking )

Hey.

I was just briefed.

They're setting up
a Joint Operations
Command in Elk Horn.

I wish I'd been here
a half hour ago.

What would you have done
a half hour ago

that hasn't already
been done?

I'd have known
a half hour ago
what I know now.

This is exactly why
I'm not going to my
meeting anymore--

it's a luxury.
I know.

If only technology
could invent some way

to get in touch with
you in an emergency.

Some sort of
telephonic device

with a personalized
number we could call

to let you know
that we needed you.

Perhaps it would look something
like this, Mr. Moto!

You should've
called me.

Would you stop?

All right.

Obviously, we're coordinating
with the Governor's office

and State FEMA
in Boise.

You know, I've noticed
that other people

keep a set of comfortable
clothes in their office

for when they have
to work late.

I like that-- you
should do that, too.

I do do that.

Oh. You should change.

You see me wearing
a necktie?

Never mind.

Can I have
my pager back?

The hazard assessment
by the RAD team is good.

No airborne release
of cesium isotopes.

No gamma or neutron
radiation readings.

But?

Both trucks
are still burning.

The fire commander's
pulling out his men
and equipment

as soon
as possible.

I'm pretty sure he's right.

Yeah, these things
haven't tested
for tunnel fires.

They're built to withstand
1,475 Fahrenheit for 30 minutes

but apparently a train
tunnel in Baltimore

burned at 1,500.

Yeah. Leo?

Yes, sir?
I knew this

a half hour ago.
Right.

This whole night I'm going to be
a half hour smarter than you.

Okay. So, you know

about the other truck.

No.

It was stolen
from a rest stop

outside of Glenn's Ferry
two weeks ago.

The driver's dead?
Yeah.

Arab?
No.

He's Garry Vernon Clarke.

Is that his name,
or is that what we think it is

right now?
Looks like it was
an accident.

In what happens to be
the most dangerous

and unanticipated situation

for the transportation
of nuclear waste.

Yes.

( sighs )

What's that meeting next door?

Don't worry about it.

Did I leave a folder called
"Southeast Targets and..."

Thank you.

DONNA:
I've been putting together

a folder of my own.

All the things
that need to be done

in order for the President
to issue a proclamation.

What has to be done?

Let me check...
Nothing.

Donna...
Nothing has
to be done.

He can't just issue
a proclamation.

He can.
No,
I'm saying he can't

just because
you want him to.

What's next,
executive clemency

if you're having
a bad hair day?

I never have
a bad hair day

and Molly Morello
was a public school
teacher for 41 years.

Which is nice,
but these things

are for important causes

not individual perks
for staffers...

National Digestive
Diseases Awareness Week.

When was that?
Right now.

It began after
General Pulaski Memorial Day.

Look, if you're going
to mock the dead...

February was National
Sewing Month, by the way.

It's still the
President's name
and reputation.

We haven't vetted
this woman.

You're saying
what if she's a lesbian?

If she were a lesbian
we could talk.

I'm saying what if
she's a bicycle thief?

I doubt...
Don't doubt it.
Know it.

Do a Google search,
then talk to me.

Sorry, you been
waiting a while?

Good evening, sir.
No, that's fine.

I got held up
at a poker game.

I love poker.

I heard you had
Caps tickets?

Yes, sir.
How was the game?

Not very good.

Have you ever seen
a good hockey game?

No.
Me, neither.

I love sports,
I just can't get
next to hockey.

See, I think Americans
like to savor situations.

One down, bottom of the ninth

one-run game,
first and third

left-handed batter

right-handed reliever

infield at double-play depth,
here's the pitch.

But scoring in hockey
seems to come

out of nowhere.

The play-by-play guy
is always shocked.

"LePetier passes to Huckenchuck
who skates past the blue line.

Huckenchuck, of course,
was traded from Winnipeg

for a case of Labatts

after sitting out
last season with...

Oh, my God, he scores!"

So, what's going on?

( Sam sighs )

They're marking up the
Internet Education Act tomorrow.

Tomorrow?

Yes, sir,
and they're

zeroing out the Technology
Challenge Fund.

Tomorrow?

Yes, sir.
We only heard

about it tonight.
We're going to
save this thing.

That's what I'm here for.

It's only
$52 million.

It's going
to be embarrassing.

75% of the poorest Americans
don't have Internet access.

60% of blacks and Hispanics
don't have Internet access.

I have to make some calls.

Yeah, the problem is...

What?

The Chairman.

You attacked him
at the DNC Spring...

You sent me to attack him.

I understand.

They're marking it up tomorrow?

Yes, sir.

You're going to do this for me.

You're going
to get this done.
Yes, sir.

LARRY:
Decorated in Vietnam,
defense hawk...

ED:
There'd be astronomical
black turnout in Georgia

North Carolina
and Louisiana.

All of the sudden

the South is
on the table.

Does anyone even know
if he's a Democrat?

He would be now.

Certainly,
no Republican

would criticize him.

These guys are right.

Black turnout would explode.

We'd realign the country.

That's assuming it stays
a two-man race.

Who's going to get into it

this late?

John Hoynes.

Hoynes, as... an Independent?

Yeah.

The guy practically
has corporate sponsorship.

The Tostitos Vice President

is going to lead
an independent movement?

It's not that
ridiculous.

It is that ridiculous!

He'd be finished in politics.

Some future he'll have

after we publicly
humiliate him

by kicking him off
the ticket.

So, bring it on.
What are we afraid of?

How about
a household name

with his own base
of conservative Democrats

and populist
Independents.

TOBY:
Starts at 15,
maybe 20%.

Now, every state's up for grabs
'cause it's a three-way.

But he'll lose.

Which is gratifying, of course

but not much of a consolation
since we'll lose, too.

Say what you want,
Hoynes is a pragmatist.

To do this, he'd be
the craziest Vice President

since Aaron Burr--
and Burr shot a guy.

I can't believe we're talking
about this.

Your meeting.

Getting that a lot these days.

So...
that leaves us where?

Wondering if

Fitzwallace is
a Democrat or
a Republican.

like you're getting
tripped up on 1783.

Which is?

HR-1783; it's the tax
rebate from last year.

Why would that affect my return
for this year?

Did you get a tax
rebate last year?

Yeah.
There's the answer.

Where's the answer?

The rebate came off
this year's taxes.

That's how we
paid for it.

Hang on.

The money I got back last
year has to be paid for?

Yeah.

That's not a rebate;
that's an advance.

Well, technically, I guess.

Not technically.

This is like getting
a Christmas bonus

and having it deducted
from your January paycheck.

This doesn't sound like very
patriotic talk to me, Charlie.

It's not.
Why did you call it

a rebate?

So people would spend it.

If they thought
it was an advance,
they might save it.

It was an advance.

Did you spend it?
I paid my VISA bill.

We would have preferred

if you ate in a restaurant
or traveled.

Me, too.
Well, in any event...

What?

Oh, what are you,
the collector?

PRESIDENT:
Leo?

He used the rebate

to pay off
his VISA bill.

It wasn't a rebate;
it was an advance.

A trip to Banana Republic
would have killed you?

Let's go.

The problem is
we don't know anything.

That's never been a problem
for us before.

We don't know anything
until we can get

into the tunnel,
and we can't get
into the tunnel

until the place
cools down.

Until we can get
into the tunnel

we don't know
if we have to
evacuate Elk Horn.

Well, that's FEMA's call,
isn't it?

Well, FEMA's indicated

they're going to want to make it
the Governor's call

and the Governor's indicated

he's going to want you
to step in.

I should set a ransom.

I'll tell you what
the radiation levels are

but first I want
your electoral votes.

Or is that
a bad strategy?

It's pretty bad.

Okay, no ransom.

We'll play this one straight.

What about other shipments?

There are two
other shipments

on the road tonight.

One's low-level
radioactive waste--

mostly medical.

It's being shipped on three
rail cars in South Carolina.

Have we stopped the train?

Yeah. The
National Guard's

going to secure it till
we know what happened.

What about the second?

That's more problematic.

There's about 200 pounds

of what's called
"trans-uranic" materials

from Rocky Flats
where they assemble
the nuclear triggers.

They're about
150 miles

away from Carlsbad

and we can't tell them
to pull over

'cause that makes them
more vulnerable.

They beefed up the escort?
Yeah.

Okay.

Thank you,
Mr. President.

No one knew if Eisenhower
was a Democrat

or a Republican
before he ran.

Grant had only
voted once

in his life, and it
was for the other guys.

Grant works as an example
in almost any situation.

That's Grant's
legacy.

Plus, he won the Civil War.

What about Leo?

What did I do?
As running mate.

Bartlet-McGarry.

Done.

It's not absurd,
you know.

Yes, it is.

It's not totally absurd.

Yes, it is.

He wants your parking space.

JOSH:
I really don't.

It's not
totally absurd.

You have a good parking space.

You know, if it weren't
for the drinking

and the Valium...

And yet, Grant...
That's right.

They went to Lincoln.

They said,
"Grant's a drunk."

He said, "Send
all my generals a case

of whatever
he's drinking."

LARRY:
I see a 30-second spot.

You guys don't think an
alcoholic can be Vice President?

You really think
the 20th century

didn't see an alcoholic
in the West Wing?

I'll be around.

( door opens )

( door shuts )

Hey... Leo.

They didn't
mean anything.

Yeah, I didn't take anything.

What's going
on in Idaho?

The tunnel's still hot.

We're looking at
evacuating Elk Horn.

Elk Horn is 20,000.

Yeah.

We've done this
before?

For hurricanes, yeah.

This is
a radioactive cloud.

I wouldn't call it
a cloud.

You wouldn't call it the end
of a Yankee game either.

I don't know.

You got your sirens

route and tone alerts
on local radio and TV.

Paul Reveres
go out...

Civil defense volunteers?

Yeah, we got the armory
in Caldwell

75 miles away for refugees.

Still, we're talking
about widespread panic

and chaos, right?

I assume.

Anything else?

I don't want
to go back to my meeting.

Well, you're not staying here.

Okay.

HOYNES:
There must be $100,
$110 million

for distance learning
and telemedicine.

Can we shave that down?

There are three rural
members on the committee

who love
distance learning.

I'm not sure
I see the point

if the rural poor
don't have Internet hookups.

What if we just plus up
the entire bill?

Sir?

We get our Internet
$52 million

they get to add $52 million
for Internet blocking software

or whatever they want.

Why can't we do that?

Well, one of the
problems is they're
deficit hawks.

We're deficit hawks, too,
aren't we?

That's the other problem.

All right,
work with me here.

Now, what
do they want--

a bridge, a highway,
a soda machine?

They want your name
off the bill.

Sir, they want your
name off of it.

They love this bill.

Helping the poor
learn computers

so they can lift themselves up
by their bootstraps--

it gets voted
out of committee unanimously.

But it's an
election year.

When is it not an election year?

( sighing )

I like what Daniel Webster said

when the Whig Party
offered him Vice President.

"I do not propose to be buried
until I am dead."

I used to be every Republican's
favorite Democrat.

Ah...!

Screw it, Sam.

Absolutely, Mr.
Vice President.

( sighing )

Let's take my name
off it.

Yes, sir.

Where's Secretary Fisher?

He can't make it tonight.

Excuse me?

The Secretary's
at an NGA reception

at the Willard Hotel.

She says he can see
you tomorrow afternoon.

"She."

His scheduler.

We paged him.

She called back.

( chuckling )

Call Fisher,
or his scheduler

and say I want
the Secretary here
in half an hour

to talk about moving
his announcement

to the White House
briefing room...

'cause we have
more TV cameras.

'Cause we have more...

The most dangerous place
in Washington

is between Bill Fisher
and a TV camera.

Clean as a whistle.

Thank you.

Molly Morello.

Look, uh...

When was the last time
I asked you for anything?

By the way,
I found this.

What?

"A proclamation to modify
the quantitative limitations

applicable to the
imports of wheat gluten."

We are just a little rococo,
aren't we?

Why is Molly Morello less
worthy of a proclamation

than General Pulaski?

I wish I knew
who General Pulaski was.

This is what I mean.

She's not less worthy

but neither is
she more worthy

than the other 90,000
public school teachers

who are retiring
this year.

Who weren't lucky enough

to have a White House staffer
as a former student.

But that's where
we get into trouble.

Who would find out?

"Who would find out"

is also where we
frequently find trouble.

You're right.

Yes.

All right, you're right.

Hey, you get it done?

Yeah.

He's taking his name
off it?

Yeah.

Well, it feels like
we're almost done in there.

You want to tell me what
this meeting's about now?

Replacing Hoynes.

What are you
talking about?

Bruno wanted us
to look at replacing Hoynes.

Josh.

So, we're looking
at it.

What's the big...?

We're looking at it

and everybody's
treating me like...

Why?

There's electoral math.

Was I sent away?
No.

I wasn't sent
to Hoynes' office

so I wouldn't be
at that meeting?

No.

Is this ser...
I mean, are you
talking about names?

Fitzwallace, Leo,
and Ulysses S. Grant.

Not for nothing

but before we go in there,
I want to be clear.

I didn't have to convince him,
or even suggest it.

Right off the bat, he said,
"Let's take my name off it."

( knocking )
Yeah?

The Vice President.

Thanks.
You can go home now.

I go home when
you go home.

Mr. Vice President.

I like your style.

It's money well-spent.

It deserved to have
your name on it.

Well, I've got my name
on other stuff.

You know
what I don't like?

I don't like
we can't campaign on it.

Can you sit
for a minute?

Yeah.

I'm in a bind,
and I think you know what it is.

I'm sorry, I don't.

I have to respect the anonymity
of an alcoholic

and I can't reveal
what's said in a meeting

but I've got
a responsibility

to the President,
and in fact to the country.

And so...

Leo, I-I-I'm sorry.

I honestly don't know
what you're saying.

John, you've got
to tell the President.

Tell him what?

That you're an alcoholic.

Are you telling me
he doesn't know?

How would he know?

You didn't tell him?

Of course I didn't tell him.

Before you picked me,
you didn't tell him?

No.

I... I always assumed...

No.

Well.

Let's go see our boss.

( knock at door )

Hey.

How was the NGA?

Oh, you know
the Governors--

too many mandates,
too little money.

I can hear that
one at home.

( chuckling ):
Good one.

The Governors liked it.

Yeah. Have you announced
for the Governor

of New Jersey, Bill?

Excuse me?
Did I miss

an announcement somewhere?

That's three years away.

I'm just trying to
serve the President...

'Cause I've never heard

of these home ownership loans,
so I'm assuming

it's a campaign proposal.

Camden and Newark
will go nuts

but I know
it's not a national program.

Give me a break.

You know how I know?
'Cause national programs

are announced by the President
of the United States

unless this White House passes

on them first.

Toby, this is a nickel
and dime program. Calm down.

You're right.
I forgot.

We're announcing
a brand new replacement

for Social Security tomorrow.

I thought we were here
to talk about...

They're not your nickels, Bill.

They're not your dimes.

Whoa! Hang on a minute.

The President asked me
to join his Cabinet.

He asked me to stall
my political career
with the agreement

that he would help me when my...

Apparently, you
don't want his help.

You're too busy
helping yourself.

If this announcement
makes A17

of the Metro section,
I'd be surprised.

There's one name on the ballot
this November, Bill.

Not yours, not mine.

Not the Governor
of New Jersey,
and believe me

no one will work harder

than Jed Bartlet
to put you there.

But this President loses
re-election

your career's finished,
and so is mine.

What's your point?

( sighs )

Next time you announce
new policy

that isn't cleared
by this office

we're announcing you're moving
back to New Jersey.

What about the loans?

C.J. will announce them tomorrow
from the podium.

Oh, come on, Toby, at least let
me do it with the President.

It's too small
for the President.

I've got to go back
to a meeting.

PRESIDENT:
Yup.

It was the rebate.

It wasn't a rebate.

It was an advance.

You say potato.

I do say potato, and so
does everybody else I know.

We wanted to inject some money
into retail and tourism.

Why not wait until
people were supposed
to have the money?

The economy might have improved
on its own by then.

In which case,
the whole thing

would have been
pointless in
the first place.

Yeah.

Economists just make it up
as they go along, don't they?

Yeah.

Did it work?

Not that much.

Most people did what you did.

They saved
or they paid down debt.

We don't want people to save
and reduce their personal debt?

We do

but when the next guy's
President.

You win.

I always do.

Yes, sir.

I'll tell you
what I find interesting, though.

What's that, sir?

You.

$35,000

a year, a sister
to support

and you gave $1,435
to charity?

I'm not so sure that
check isn't better off

in your hands than ours.

Oh, I'm taking it.

Don't be ridiculous.

But when you get
to your place tonight

you're going to find
a new DVD player

and that wimp-ass Bond movie.

Mr. President...
And I threw in

Yeoman of the Guard on CD.

That was
an incredibly nice gesture.

I'm really something.

Mr. President.

Hey, John.

Could we have a minute,
please, sir?

Yeah.

Charlie, let's get that woman
on the phone.

I'm feeling magical tonight.

They're in the tunnel now

and the readings
don't show anything

beyond the predictable level
of background radiation.

The flatbed's
back on its way

and the Carlsbad
is behind gates

so we dodged the bullet.

Yeah.

We pack this stuff
in two inches

of stainless
steel, four inches

of lead.

We've rammed it with trains
and dropped it from helicopters

and it still isn't going
to protect us

from the thing
we haven't thought of.

They took a cask out
to Aberdeen Proving Ground

and shot a TOW missile
clean through it.

They showed me video.

What can I do for you?

LEO:
Sir, there's something
very important

we need to talk
to you about.

What?

Well, it's delicate and

surprising, and I
want to make sure

your first reaction
is measured

so I'd like us to...

I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Really?

Yes, sir.

Is there anybody left who's not?

Sir...

For how long?
I'm sorry?

How long have you been
in recovery?

My last drink...

It was the year
I was 22.

Did you say 22?
Yes, sir.

You haven't had
a drink since
you were 22?

That's right.

I didn't start drinking
till I was 25.

What the hell

do you guys count as...

Yeah, I know, but there's
a history in my family

and I had a few experiences
in college.

I liked beer a lot

so I started going
to meetings

and I'm pretty sure
if I stopped...

Twenty-two?

Yes, sir.

You and James Bond
ought to team up.

I don't...

Don't worry about it.

He's ordering
a watered-down
martini, and, Leo

what the hell is
this meeting that's
going on all night

across the hall?

We can talk about it later.

It's a meeting
about having me

replaced on the ticket.

I know how to count

to 270.

John, I assure you...

I assure you that if it were
a serious notion, we would...

Texas is gone,
so is Florida.
We're not doing it.

You should think about it.
Hey, did I
hear right?

Are you taking your name
off that bill?

Nobody benefits
from the Internet right now

more than the rural poor.

You're taking your name off.

We can't campaign on it.

Yes, sir.

And if somebody's attacking us,
you know what to do.

I call Leo.

Yeah

but don't discount
the possibility

that it might be Leo.

Yes, sir.

John, despite this

recent revelation
that you drank beer in college

I've always liked you
a little more

than you thought I did

but that's not
why you're staying.

It's this.

Four words.

I've always liked you more

than you thought I did,
too, Mr. President.

Just a little, right?

Yes, sir.

Me, too.

Anything else?

Thank you,
Mr. President.

Thank you, sir.

Charlie!

Yes, sir.

Let's go. I'm a magic man.

Donnatella.

Good evening,
Mr. President.

Tell Josh

that General Pulaski was
a Polish Brigadier General

who vanquished
the Russian and
Prussian military

then came to
the colonies

and commanded our cavalry

during the American Revolution.

I will, sir.

It says here in
a briefing paper

hastily written
by Deputy Josh Lyman

that in the '60s

when the Madison Superintendent
of Schools banned

Twelfth Night for
reasons passing
understanding

a Mrs. Molly Morello

had students over to her home
on Saturdays

to read it.

I didn't know that, sir.

Josh wrote you a memo
on Molly Morello?

Yeah

'cause all I had tonight was
a nuclear spill in Idaho.

It says she came in
two hours early

to teach an AP English class

she developed
herself

'cause the school
didn't offer one.

I was in that class.

Sounds like
she deserves a proclamation.

I wish I could give her one,
but I can't.

I totally understand.

It's just too much
inside baseball, you know?

You're very nice to even talk
to me about it.

Charlie, I've been
tapping my finger

on the desk
for about a
minute now.

Sir?

The magic-man thing
works a lot better

when you pick up

on the signals, Tonto.

What's that you say?

There's a phone call for Donna?

Good evening.

This is the
White House.

For whom are you holding?

WOMAN:
I'm holding for Donna Moss.

This is Mrs. Morello.

Oh, my God.

Donna?

Mrs. Morello,
it's me.

Is everything all right?

Everything's fine.

I hadn't heard from you
in such a long time

so I thought...

No. Everything's fine.

Sally Seidelman told me
you were retiring.

At the end of this year.

Well, I...
I just wanted

to say...

I don't know, I just...

I just wanted to say...

I don't know.

Are-are you sure
everything's all right?

( whispers ):
Tell her where you are.

Donna?

Mrs. Morello,
I'm in the Oval Office

with the President
of the United States

and it's because of you.

Mrs. Morello?

What a thing to say.

Well, we're all very proud
of you, Donna.

She didn't do anything.

Was that...

It's Jed Bartlet, Mrs. Morello.

I've got a couple
of questions.

When you taught Beowulf

did you make the kids read it
in the original Middle English

or did you use a translation?

We used a translation,
Mr. President.

Okay. We're going to call that
the James Bond version.

Yes, sir.

What are you planning on doing
with your retirement?

My husband and I are going
to travel a little.

That's great.

I'd stay away
from the Elk Horn, Idaho, area

for a little while.

You'll read why in the morning.

Let's talk about Twelfth Night.

C.J.:
Twenty-two?

Yeah.

You haven't had a drink
since you were 22?

Right.

Ulysses S. Grant would have
slapped your face.

He did once.

JOSH:
Listen, it's fine

that this is funny

and, Mr. Vice President,
I couldn't care less

but what about
the campaign?

What about it?
The President

just got past an honesty issue.

TOBY:
He's not past it.

JOSH:
If it becomes
public...

C.J.:
That's a big
assumption.

No, it's not.

LEO:
I think that issue

is probably
worth further discussion

but we're done
talking about
the ticket.

The President's made it
very clear he wants

the Vice President to
remain the Vice President

and he wrote down

his one and only reason.

"Because I could die."

JOSH:
Well, of course

he's right, sir.

It doesn't solve the problem
of the electoral math.

I don't know what the field's

going to look like
after Labor Day.

The Etch-a-Sketch
will be shaken up

a little,
but right now

the math's tough.

And I know
you all think

he's a punch line and I know
why, but I disagree.

They're sure running
the right guy against us.

Am I really the only one
who thinks a giant sumo wrestler

in a hockey goal
might get the job done?

I don't know.

I'm open to new ideas.