All language subtitles for The.West.Wing.S03E15.WEBRip.x264-FGT

Previously on The West Wing:

You broke some laws, Abbey,
and quite frankly

you should be ashamed
of yourself, but...

Oliver!
You're going to get
asked questions.

You're going to have
to tell the truth.

And I was almost sure I saw you

giving the President
an injection

of something.

You're not a medical expert,
you didn't keep records

you violated medical practices

and most important,
you're his wife

which is a violation
of the AMA's code of ethics.

It is becoming
clear to me

what the President's biggest
liability is going to be.

What?

You.

ABBEY:
Do you like
these earrings?

I do.

You want
to look at them first?

Are they new?
No.

You've worn them?
Yeah.

I love them.

"Laissez-faire doctrine,"
15 letters.

Social Darwinism.

No, that's not the answer,
see, 'cause social Darwinism

isn't a doctrine,
it's a force of nature.

The answer is
libertarianism.

I'm going to be ready
in two minutes.

Take your time.

Passive aggression is
not going to get me
out the door faster.

Boo Boo, I gave up
on getting you out the door

in the late '70s.

Plus, it's your birthday;

you're old, and you don't
move around that fast.

Libertarianism has
14 letters, not 15.

I know, so I'm shading in
the extra box.

And it's not my birthday.

It's your
birthday week.

It's a week of festivities,
like Mardi Gras.

Or Lent.

Three letters,
"It may be bitter."

"Tea," right?

It may be bitter?
Yeah.

Why tea?
'Cause "woman"
doesn't fit.

"End," you idiot.
Bitter end.
Hey

when the medical board gives you
the results of the hearing

do they slap it up on one
of those X-ray light boards?

"Here's where the problem is
in your testimony, Abbey.

Here, and here."

That...

that's funny!

The other 23 jokes
weren't funny.

Well, it's not that
they weren't funny

it's just they weren't
ha-ha funny, you know?

But 12 years
of medical school

my life, my work, my future,
everything

up on the X-ray board--

that's comedy!

See, I know it sounds like
you're praising me, but...

Oh, shut up.

It's not your life

or 12 years of anything,
or anything.

They're going to give you

the very least
they can give you.

They can't give me
the very least they can give me.

They least they can give me
is a Letter of Concern

which is private
and unpublished.

But that isn't available to me

because I fought the case
and stood by my convictions.

Well, that was stupid.

Do your crossword puzzle.

Standing by your convictions
isn't going to get you anywhere.

And this isn't some guy
off the street talking.

I'm a very successful
politician.

How many people are
at this party?
About 200.

But that was five or six hours
ago, when it started.

Once more
with the passive-aggressive.

"Body organ produces
hydrochloric acid."

That's the kidney, right?

Or the lima bean?
Pancreas.

See, they can't take
medical school away from you.

Jed...
Abbey

come here.

I know you're scared,
but I'm very confident

so you be
whatever you want.

Whatever happens,
happens tomorrow.

Tonight is your
birthday party.

And your earrings
are great.

So are your shoes.

So can we,
for the love of God

get out of this room?!

Good to get that off
your chest?

Yeah.

PRESIDENT:
Pheasant and morel consommé

miniature ravioli of fois gras,
and smoked goose confit

a little Canary melon sorbet
as a palate cleanser.

All served
on the finest Lenox china.

ABBEY:
Ah. You planned
this all yourself?

A '97 Willamette Valley
Pinot Noir

a '94 Heck Cellars Zinfandel.

You really planned this
all yourself?

I'm like Gatsby,
but without the problems.

Listen, we're going
to keep this relaxed, right?

I-I'm not sure
I'm up for a lot

of First Lady fanfare tonight.

Hmm.
What?

I kind of wished you'd
mentioned that before.

Why?

( brass plays fanfare )

It's going to be relaxed,
it's going to be relaxed.

( fanfare continuing )

For dessert, we're having
Kumquat Napoleons.

Shut up.
Okay.

( up-tempo jazz plays)
Happy birthday, Mrs. B.

Thank you, Josh.

Amy. A friend.

Happy birthday.
You look beautiful.

Amy.

You know, I'm responsible
for the two of you.

I haven't gotten credit
for that yet.

The jury's still out.
Yeah, we'll see.

I hope Donna's coming.

Donna was invited;
all the women of the West Wing.

We're doing a calendar.

I'm not sure
what's keeping her.

MARBURY:
Abigail!

PRESIDENT:
Now it's a party.

Yes, Your Lordship!
Abigail.

Your breasts are magnificent.

Oh, um,
thank you, John.

May I inquire, Mr. President

the first thing
that attracted you to Abigail

was it her
magnificent breasts?

ABBEY:
It was.

You know, John,
there are places in the world

where it might be
considered rude

to talk about the
physical attributes
of another man's wife.

My God! Really?

Yeah.
Abbey, I bring you

warm wishes
from Her Royal Majesty.

That was nice of her.

Would that I could deliver

the same wishes for you,
Mr. President.

What did I do?

Brendan McGann cannot visit
the White House.

Look, obviously

we knew this was going
to be a thing

but it doesn't have to be
tonight, right?

No, absolutely not.

I shall take it up
with Gerald.

Who's Gerald?

I'm pretty sure
he means Leo.

Hmm. Oh, do you have
a new Chief of Staff?

No.

Well, then
Gerald it is.

Abbey, enjoy
your birthday gala.

( growling ):
I shall await a dance.

I won't make you wait
long, Your Lordship.

Excellent.

So! So far so good.

( sighs )

( Leo speaking indistinctly )

Leo?

Yeah, do me a favor,
would you?

Check out a rumor
that a Robert Nolan

who's the Chairman
of the New Hampshire
State Medical Board

is going to recuse himself
from Abbey's hearing.

N-O-L-A-N?

Yeah.

And what's the source?

I don't know
the original source

but it's coming
from the Manchester Union Leader

and you got to change taxicabs
a couple of times

'cause I don't want the paper
knowing we're asking questions.

That's no problem.
What's going on?

Well, let's confirm
the story first.

If it's true

bring it
to the President.

Okay. And one of us...
well, you...

need to talk
to Abbey tonight
about tomorrow.

Happy birthday, Abbey.

I'll get this
other thing.

Hey.
Hey.

Jack Enlow?

No, it's C.J. Cregg.
We've met.

Is Jack Enlow
at the party yet?

I'm not at the party yet.
Fair point.

Look, if you're planning
on starting a rumble with Enlow

can I send
the press home?

I'm not an instigator.
Yes, you are.

Yeah, but I'm on the
side of the angels.

I'll say this about you,
you can wear a tuxedo.

I know.
I know you know.

Good evening.

Why is Dalton Millgate
coming here?

How did you know

he was coming here?

How do you think?

Because you
know everything?
Yes.

I had him for a semester
at school.

He and his people
are having trouble

getting funding for
a superconductor

and I told him I'd
use this opportunity

to put him
with Jack Enlow.

You're going to get
into a fight

with Jack Enlow?
Why does everybody
think...?

Never mind.

I'm just doing
him a favor.

Okay.

How you feeling
about the First Lady?

I was feeling good,
and now I'm not.
Why?

We're checking it out,
but I think

the swing vote's going
to recuse himself.

He's a friend of the family.

That means the President's
going to want to call him.

Maybe.
Yeah, he can't.

What?
He can't call him.

It could send us into
a whole new thing.

You ever mix politics
and the President's family

and get a good result?

No.
Me neither

and I've been at this
a lot longer.

Okay.

Seriously,
he can't pick up the phone.

Isn't it called
a supercollider?

Is it?

You called it
a superconductor.

Whatever.

Keep blood off your shirt.

I'm not an instigator.

Donna.
Hello.

What are you doing here?

Are you having
a good time?

The party's started.

Is the champagne flowing
as smoothly as the badinage?

Are there elegant men
and beautiful gowns?

The men are in tuxes.

And beautiful gowns,
I said, not in beautiful gowns.

What are you
doing here?

There was a problem
when the Secret Service

did its routine background
check on the guest list.

A problem with what?

With me.

Donna, you work
in the White House.

You fly with
the President.

What's the problem?

I do not know.

Just come with me.

Come into the party.

I don't think
I should do that.
Why?

Well, they'll shoot me.

They wouldn't tell you
what the problem was?

They said
they'd get back to me.

You want me
to get into it?

That'd be very nice.

Okay.

You look good.

Thanks.

Dr. Millgate.

Sam.

It's been a long time.

Yes.

And now the student
becomes the teacher, huh?

Not really, no.

Okay. So,
did I disappoint you

when I didn't go
into physics?

No.

Why?

You were bad at it.

No, I wasn't.

Yeah.

I just needed
a little encouragement.

No.

Look, Congress isn't
going to fund

your damn superconductor,
all right?

Supercollider.

Superconducting
Supercollider--

this is exactly
what I'm talking about.

A 54-mile tunnel,
150 feet below ground

in which protons
and antiprotons

would be flung
into each other

at the speed of light.

Can you remember that?

Yes.
Good, 'cause when
you talk about it

you shouldn't sound
like an idiot.

Okay.

There's no lobby
for this, Sam.

There's no presence
in Washington.

It's just me on the Amtrak
coming to see you.

That's how seriously
the Government takes it.

Well, there was
a time...

I know.

Congress spent $2 billion...

Yeah, but all they did was
clear the land and build a lab.

We need the thing.
Now, is he there?

The Senator?
Yeah.
Yeah.

'Cause you said he'd be there,
he'd be at the party.

He's there.

Go talk to him.

Okay. I said
I'd do this

but it's likely
he's going to say

this is an unaffordable luxury.

We're losing the race
for discovery, Sam.

For discovery.

Tonight, it's just me and you.

That doesn't really sound
like enough.

No.

What hotel are
you staying in?

I'm not staying
at a hotel.

Where can I call you?

I'm going to be
right here.

It's not like a
drive-up window,
Dr. Millgate.

He's not going to...

You're wasting time.

Okay.

( lush, romantic music plays)

PRESIDENT:
Charlie.

Yes, sir?

I'm going to
need you later.

Sure.

I want to work
on my toast.

Don't you want Sam or Toby?

I don't need help
writing it.

I can write a damn toast.

I just want to say it
out loud to somebody.

Any warm body is fine.

Thank you, sir.

So when I give
you the signal

we'll go off someplace.

What's the signal?

It'll be something
like, "Charlie

we're going to go work
on the toast now."

Yes, sir.

LEO:
Excuse me.

You finally got here.

Yeah.

I think Abbey's going

to pull a hamstring
about tomorrow.

You mind if I talk to her
a little bit?

About what?

You know, what she should be
saying tomorrow.

I'm feeling all
right about it.

Well, just in case.

I don't know.
She's pretty pissed.

Yeah, but at you, right?

Yeah.
Yeah.

So?

All right.

Did she like the fanfare?

Loved it.

Okay.

( dance music playing )

Josh.

Chuck.
Good to see you.

I didn't know
you were friends

with the First Lady.

My wife.

Oh, sure.
You know Amy Gardner?

Just by reputation.

Uh-oh.

I thought
you were great

on Crossfire yesterday.

I don't think I was

on Crossfire yesterday.

I meant Josh.

Actually,
you meant Sam.

I heard it was you.

No, but as long
as you heard
I was great.

Listen, uh, you've still
got my number, right?

About the thing?

Yeah.

Nice meeting you.

Good seeing
you, Chuck.

"About the thing?"

You guys pulling a heist?

No.

Come on.

Let me in on the action.

I can be a dame.

I won't blow the whistle,
get you cheesed.

No, Mugsy.

Chuck Kane heads
Intergovernmental
Affairs at Treasury

and he wants a job
on the campaign

as Deputy Political Director.

Is he going to get it?

I don't think so.

Who else are
you considering?

Mark Rothman
and Robbie Gill.

Hmm.

What?

I was just thinking

Mark and Robbie are funny names
for women.

They're men.

I know.
They

happen to be men.

They happen to be men.

You're not hiring
enough women

in senior positions
for the campaign.

How do you know?

It's my job to know.

We're in a dangerous
area right now.

If women were
the only voters

the Democrats
would win

in a landslide
every time.

If men were
the only voters

the GOP would be
the left-wing party.

Women are going to be 60%
of your vote.

Don't you think
they should make up

I don't know

40% of the
campaign staff?

Let me tell you
why this is a dangerous area.

Because I can't make decisions
based on the fact

that I like
your smooth skin.

You're right.

Don't try and trick me.

No, you're
really right.

This should be
off limits to us.

Yes.

I apologize.

You're trying
to trick me.

No.

I'm going to be
scared for the
rest of the night.

Hey, what happened
to Donna?

Donna. Yes.

Excuse me.

Josh.

Yeah.

Where's the President?

He went off with Charlie
to work on his toast.

All right, I'm going
to need a few minutes

of uninterrupted time...

MARBURY:
Gerald!

Yeah.

Gerald...

old sock.

I've got to go.

Yeah.

Brendan McGann cannot come
to the White House.

How are you, John?

I'm well,
thank you very much.

But Brendan McGann cannot come
to the White House.

Hang on.
Toby.

You know Toby Ziegler?

Yeah. We've met
on occasion.

Toby, come here.

Lord John Marbury.

Yes.

( clears throat )

Good evening,
Your, uh, Lordship.

Uh, well, good evening, yes.

Talk to him
about McGann.

You have objections to him
coming to the White House?

My objections
are irrelevant.

I convey the
objections

of Her Majesty's
Government.

Which are?

He's a terrorist.

Well, let's hang on a second.

Sinn Fein is a political party.

In fact, the oldest in Ireland.

And the political wing
of the IRA...

Sir...
a terrorist cell.

I wouldn't...

You are honoring a man
at your St. Patrick's Day Dinner

allied with car bombers

this not to mention
Irish men, women
and children.

Yes, sir.

And you are doing it
to appease Democrats

from New York City
and Boston.

He's not being honored.

He's just been given
an invitation.

He shouldn't be given a visa.

And I think
we have to be careful

how we use the word "terrorist."

Can I call you John?

I am John, Lord Marbury,
Earl of Croy

Marquess of Needham and Dolby,
Baronet of Brycey

England's Ambassador
to the United States

and a terrorist is a terrorist

even if he wears a green necktie
and sings "Danny Boy."

Yes, you can call me John.

You feel like a drink?

Yeah. I was looking
for some Lagavulin.

It's a 16-year-old islay

single malt.
I know Lagavulin.

They usually have it here.

Let's go down the street.

The guy keeps a bottle there.

Oh. Lead on.

Excuse me?

Senator?

Yes.

Sam Seaborn.

Sure.

I was wondering
if you had a moment.

Actually, I promised
my wife a dance.

This'll just
take a moment.

Believe it or not

I have an eminent
physicist in my office.

Dr. Millgate.
You've heard of him?

Yes.

He was asking me
about the Supercollider

and I didn't have
any answers, and...

It's dead.

It is?

As a Greek poet.

Well, I'm sure
there are

some poets alive
in Greece someplace.

Could you tell me
how it died?

I don't know.

Forgive me, sir,
you're ranking member

of the authorizing subcommittee.

How can you not know?

It was put
on anonymous hold.

That only applies
to nominations.

Apparently, you're wrong.
Senator...

Anyone can hold any bill
for any reason.

I don't understand.
You file an objection?

How long does it last?

Until the Senator loses
or dies.

All you have to do is

tell your party's
floor leader.

That's insane.
Says you.

Senator, this isn't
a duck hunter

with a gripe in my office.

It's Dalton Millgate.

Now, who's blocking
the damn Supercollider?

To guess would compromise the
spirit of the anonymous hold.

To tell me would
compromise the spirit

of autocratic obstructionism.

We're talking
about the U.S. Senate, kid.

We're the saucer
that cools the coffee.

And the drain
that swallows it, sir.

Check around.

I'm on record in favor of it.

Thank God the hold's anonymous.

It's you.

Sam... you really care

about the Superconducting
Supercollider?

I didn't before.

It's a long night,
and we're not done yet.

Go dance with your wife.

( applause as music ends )

Hi.

They covered
the arrivals

on the news.

Everyone looked so nice.

And happy.

I brought you some food.

What's going on?

Well, I-I don't have all
the answers

but it's pretty weird so far.

What?

Secret Service says
there's an INS notation

next to your name.

What kind of notation?

U.S. Citizen: N.

They're saying
I'm not a U.S. citizen?

No. In... Yes.

I-I don't understand.

They-they're saying...
I'm a U.S. citizen.

I was born in Minnesota.

We moved to Wisconsin.

Now I live in Washington.

What the hell happened?

A mistake of some kind.

You think?

We're sorting it out.

I voted in every election
since I...

I've paid, by the way, taxes
as a citizen of this country.

I have a birth certificate
and a passport.

It'll just take
a few more minutes.

You brought food?

Olives.

Go away.

All right.

Give me the olives.

Okay.

( door closes )

I'd kind of like to wait

until we know something for sure
before we start planning.

Yeah.

The thing is, though,
the first day's important.

What I'd like to do,
for instance

is schedule
a public event

show we're not scared.

( clears throat )

What about a comment?

You'll make a comment

but body language is going
to be just as important.

Can't hang your head.

You got to smile,
but you look smug...

Yeah.
You got to...

Yeah, yeah.
And there
can't be...

Obviously, there
can't be no reaction.

What about the campaign?

I'm not going to tell a man's
wife she can't campaign.

I don't know what that means.

I think we can get
a lot of use of out you

in targeted Democratic areas.

Big cities, evening
fund raisers.

We'll keep you out of the South.

Can we talk about this tomorrow?

We just need to...
How about tomorrow?

It's important.

A lot of things are important.

Of course.

I'm sorry.

Enjoy the party.

Thank you.

PRESIDENT:
"I've known my wife, Abbey,
for nearly 150 years."

I'm not going to do that.

She's not going to
think that's funny.

Yeah.

Okay. I should...
Yeah. Okay.

"Thank you all for
being here tonight."

By the way, do you know where
the term "toast" comes from?

Can I say something, sir?

Yeah.

I'd stick to Mrs. Barlet and not
get into etymology so much.

I was talking to you.

Ah.
The Stuarts.

They'd put a piece of
toast in your wine cup

to improve the flavor.

Interesting.

1643, members of
the Middle Temple

toasted Princess
Elizabeth

by pledging to die
in her service.

Hey, that could be the button.

Excuse me, Mr. President.

C.J., I haven't
seen you all night.

I haven't been able
to make it over there yet, sir.

I've been
tracking something down.

Charlie.

Yes, sir.

What is it?

A piece in the
Manchester Union Leader.

"Sources close to Robert Nolan

"President of the New
Hampshire Medical Board

"predict that he will announce

"his recusal from the case
because of his personal...

No, damn it.

relationship with the Bartlets."

What does this mean for her?

We're pretty sure the Board was
evenly divided, and Nolan was

the deciding
vote, which is
what dictated

a lot of her... Damn it!

There was a personal
relationship.

Yeah. They worked together
for 20 years

and I was the Governor

who appointed him
to the Board.

Excuse me, sir.

C.J., you should probably
tell Abbey.

Yes, sir.
Thanks.

Thank you, Mr. President.

The Union Leader
says Nolan's going
to recuse himself.

What's going to happen?

They're going to suspend
her license for a year.

We just talked
for a little bit.

And?

I don't think you need
to be concerned

about her leaving you for me.

I was pretty
concerned about that.

She's definitely leaving you
for somebody, so don't be so...

Can you leave me alone?

I'm trying to
be a husband

and your mojo's
getting all over me.

Marbury's sitting with Toby.

This is Brendan
McGann, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I don't know
what to say about that.

I'll see you inside.

Yeah.

Thank you, Mr. President.

( swing music playing )

ABBEY:
Josh.

Good evening, ma'am.

Listen, I'm sorry
to do this at a party

but this is
a list of names

I'd like you
to consider

for Deputy
Political Director.

Uh... we got it down
to a few finals.

Yeah.

I'd like you to
add these names.

I can't help noticing
these are all women.

Women are 60%
of our vote, Josh.

Don't you think
they should make
up at least 40%

of our campaign staff?

I'm sorry?
Mrs. Bartlet?

I said women are
60% of our vote.

Don't you think...?

Yeah.

You'll get on it?

Yes, ma'am.

Having a
good time?

You bet.

You look beautiful.

Thank you, ma'am,
and so do you.

Oh...

I need to speak with you
for a second.

Oh, this can't be good.

No, I'm afraid not.

Abbey, the Union Leader's
got sources saying

Dr. Nolan's going
to recuse himself from the case.

Claudia Jean.

Yes, ma'am?

Let's get drunk.

Oh, okay.

Hey, it's a list
of women.

Yes, it is.

She got right on it.

Yes, she did.

Do you love me?

You went over my head

and you did it
behind my back.

Quite the contortionist,
am I.

What kind of position
is Abbey Bartlet in

to know anything...

Amy.

Yes, ma'am?

C.J. and I
are going to get drunk.

Come on.

Yes, ma'am.

You're going?

The First Lady just asked me
to get boozy with her.

You don't think I want
to write a book one day?

Amy...
You're beeping.

( glasses clinking )

All right, listen.

Yes?

Well, first of all

you're not allowed to
smoke in the White House.

You're kidding.

No.

And the search
for civilization continues.

Come outside.

I need you to tell me
everything you can tell me

about the Superconducting
Supercollider.

How much time
do you have?

About ten minutes.

If you pay
close attention

and stay very, very quiet,
I can teach you how to spell it.

Listen, this is what I do.

I get things fast.

Since when?

What is it?
It's a machine

that reveals the
origins of matter,
and I'm assuming

from the look
on your face

$1,000 on the table,
you couldn't tell me

what matter is.

You know what?
I had four years.

There's a lot of knowledge
out there.

I may have missed some things.

By smashing
protons together

at very high speeds

and at very high
temperatures

we can recreate the Big Bang
in a laboratory setting

creating the kinds
of particles
that only existed

in the first trillionth
of a second

after the universe
was created.

Okay, terrific;
I understood that.

What kind of practical
applications does it have?

None at all.

You're not in any way
a helpful person.

Don't have to be;
I have tenure.

Doctor.

There are no practical
applications, Sam.

Anybody says different
is lying.

I need to be
able to show him

I can paint him as
against something.

Children, baseball, fresh
air, campaign finance.

What does it mean
to be against the
Supercollider?

I really don't know
where to start.

Come on.
I really don't.

Listen

what's your motivation?

What are you talking about?

You called me and asked me...

Well, you did me
the favor

but now you're still going.

I have a history with
this particular Senator.

Oh. Well, that's, uh, really
a stupid-ass reason, Sam.

I like to win.

So, this guy
ate your Fruit Loops...

What do you care?

I don't.

What's your motivation?

I'm a particle physicist.

Not suddenly.

Why now?

The budget resolution

has to be passed by April 15.

That means the authorizing bill
to Senate Appropriations

has to go up mid-March.

Now, you can shoehorn
a road or a bridge

at the last minute,
but not $12 billion

for a supercollider.

Also... I have
Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.

I think there's something
to be said

for giving McGann
credibility

by inviting him
to the White House.

It strengthens his hand
in dealing

with the more violent members
of his own party.

Degrees of violent.

We also think

if we legitimize him,
the Protestants will wake up

and accept they've got
to negotiate with somebody.

Toby, you were the
author, were you not

of the President's speech
at the General Assembly?

There were many authors.

Of which you were one.

Two days ago,
the IRA formally

backed out
of its promise

to put its weapons
beyond use

as agreed to in the
Good Friday Peace Accord.

True/false: until it disarms

the IRA and its political
representatives in Sinn Fein

are a terrorist group?

True.

When did it become

policy of the United
States to negotiate

with terrorists?

We've had Arafat here, John.

And my heaven,
isn't that paying
bloody dividends?

It wasn't worth trying?

You're making the
mistake of youth.

The President's not a kid.

Your country is.

You're involving yourself
in a centuries-old conflict

without sufficient
regard for history.

Listen to the warning
of old friends.

It was Kipling
who warned to expect

"the blame of those ye better,
and the hate of those ye guard."

And wasn't it James Joyce
who said

"History is a nightmare
from which I'm trying to awake"?

Yes, but it was your own great
Irish master, Eugene O'Neill

who said, "There is
no present or future

only the past happening
over and over again-- now."

You're saying we should
butt out of Ireland

until we know what we're doing?

I'm saying Brendan McGann

cannot come
to the White House.

Say, speaking
of dead Irish writers...

Yes, another drink.

ABBEY:
Here we go.

Awasiwi Odinak.

Far from
the things of man.

The first time
Jed took me
to his house

which is 25 miles from
anything, he said

"Awasiwi Odinak.

Far from the things of man."

What a jackass.

I'm going to open the wine.

The wine is a '95
Old Vine Zinfandel
from Hog Cellars

which once belonged
to King Baudouin of Belgium

and is best sipped
while making

anagrams
out of the phrase

"My husband's
an enormous jackass."

Amy, what
are you looking for?

Anything I can take notes with.

This is an
excellent corkscrew.

This slides

right in there
like power steering.

The right...

tool for the job.

Corkscrew sucks.

Should I call a steward?

We don't need to call a steward.

I'm board certified

in thoracic
surgery.

And a good thing,
too.

Did Josh have a nutty
on the campaign hiring?

You know, he's... adjusting.

Well, let him

adjust faster. Jackass.

DONNA:
Excuse me.

Oh, Donna.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

Josh was looking
for Amy.

Well, she's right here.

Where have you been all night?

Well, it's a little tough
to explain, ma'am.

Tougher to explain
than secretly

prescribing Betaseron?

It turns out
I'm not an American citizen

so Secret Service
wanted me to talk to INS.

What?

I was born
in Warroad, Minnesota

only I wasn't, 'cause INS
just clarified the border

and it's now
in Manitoba.

You're not an American?

Missed it by four miles.

You seem
pretty calm about it.

No, I'm very upset.

I don't know the words
to my national anthem.

I've been throwing out
Canadian pennies my whole life.

I've been making fun
of the Queen.

We don't do that.

I'm sure it'll all work out.

Thank you, ma'am.

Where are
you going?

They've let me
into the party now.

Why don't you stay
and have some wine with us?

Really?
Yeah.

That's very nice of you.

I probably shouldn't drink,
though.

I wouldn't worry about it.

Canadian, huh?

Yeah.

You feel funnier?

No, but I am developing

a massive inferiority complex.

Ah!

Did it come out?

Next best thing--
it's in the bottle.

We'll decant it.

Ah, now it's a party.

( laughing )

This is a good
bottle of wine.

( laughs )

Ah, it's almost
made me forget

how much cork
I swallowed

from the first
bottle of wine.

I don't understand.

It was good corkscrew--
graphite.

C.J.?

Stop talking about
the corkscrew?

ABBEY:
Yeah.
Mrs. Bartlet?

I wanted to ask you a question,
but I'm not sure how.

What?
Well, if the most
they can

give you is a year's
suspension, is it...

That big a deal?

Yes.
Yes.

I'm a doctor.

It's not like changing
your major.

You of all people
should...

I mean, women
talk about

their husbands overshadowing
their careers-- mine got eaten.

Your husband
got eaten?

My career.

Yeah, well, I'm
on dangling modifier patrol.

What's your problem?

Are you First Lady right now?

What are you talking about?

Sometimes you
like to talk

and I think
that's great

but sometimes you're Abbey

and sometimes you're my boss

and I respect both
very much, but...

I'm Abbey.

Yes, I agree with her.

Look, they
take this job

away from me,
I've got nothing.

I don't have a cat.

I could get one,
but I don't have one.

Frankly, I'm not wild
about cats.

I don't hate them,
I'm just not...

I could learn to like them,
I guess, if I...

C.J.?

You've got a husband

and children
and a home and a life.

And we're talking about one year
of your not having

a medical license.

Jed got censured, and that came
with no tangible penalty

and it was a banner headline
and he's having

a slow nervous
breakdown.

That's different.

Why?
'Cause it is

and you know it.

Okay, I'm First
Lady again.
Okay.

You are First Lady, Abbey.

Yes.
And it's not like

it's been a detour
from health care.

No.

What, you've
expanded Medicare to cover

mammograms,
cancer clinical trials...

That's money that could have
gone into Viagra.

You were the one who said
"no dice" to cutting

infant nutrition programs,
nursing home standards

There's plenty of stuff left.

Child immunizations

juvenile diabetes...
That's not the point.

What's the point?

I'm a doctor...
Oh, Mrs. Bartlet

for crying out loud
you were also a doctor

when your husband said,
"Give me the drugs

and don't tell anybody"
and you said, "Okay."

Oh, my God.

You switched back

to First Lady.

That's all right.

I'm so sorry,
Mrs. Bartlet...
It's okay.

He took the censure
standing up, Abbey.

I was very proud
to have voted for him that day.

Me, too.

Let's get back to the party.

PRESIDENT:
Okay, here we go.

CHARLIE:
Time is tight.

That's when the juices
get flowing.

I'm not sure we have
time for juices, sir.

I could tell the story
of the ditch digger.

Sure.
You know
the story?

I do not.

Abbey and I are walking along

and we see a ditch digger.

And I said, "Aren't you
glad you married me?

You could have married
a ditch digger."

And she said, "Jed, if I'd
married him, he'd be President.

What do you think?

Not so sure, sir.
Why?

'Cause it seems
like a story

about how cool you are.

It is.

Do you love her?

Very deeply.

That'll work fine.

No, it won't.

In my house, anyone
who uses one word

when they could've used ten
just isn't trying hard.

Let's keep at it.

( piano plays )

MARBURY:
The darkness

in our sunshine,
the shadow on
our souls

the biblical sins
of the father.

For Americans it's slavery...
slavery is your original sin.

That and your unfortunate
history with your aborigines.

Native Americans.

For the English,
it's Ireland.

Well, they've given us a
couple of U.S. Presidents

a lot of Boston
Democrats

and half the New York
City Police Force.

Not to mention
the song

"Yankee Doodle Dandy."

Yeah.

Centuries
of... home rule

foiled by English
Conservatives

or Ulster Orangemen

immortal martyrs

secret tribunals
leading to public hangings

followed by war...

followed by, followed by,
followed by.

So, wouldn't you say we
were doing you a favor?

By intervening?

That's the act
of a friend.

What is left to
do but talk?

What could be better
for that wounded place

than sitting down
and talking?

What is better
than sitting down

and talking?

Not to.
We can't choose who.

Oh, of course you can't.

Then, what can we do
but talk to him?

Nothing.

You must talk to him.

What?

Toby, despite appearances,
I do have lucid moments

and I know
that England is...

running out of turns
on this particular...

But, uh, as Ambassador
for Her Majesty's Government

I must tell you
that...

Brendan McGann cannot come
to the White House.

Yes.

Understood, Mr. Ambassador.

Excellent.

F.D.R. smoked.

Yeah.

In the White House

Campobello, everywhere.

Yeah.

He got re-elected

six or seven times.

Listen, is there no doctor
you can see...

Next time

the Bartlets invite me over
to a party

remind me to bring
five legislative assistants

and a loaded gun.

You got my note.

"All infrastructure projects
earmarked for Illinois

are about to be
anonymously blocked."

Let's play our game.

Don't make
me mad.

Don't make me laugh.

Listen...
I couldn't
figure out

what this on the record/
off the record crap was

until Dr. Millgate...

This is Dr. Millgate,
by the way.

Churchill smoked.

Until Dr. Millgate
told me the thing

was going to be
built in Illinois.

So, of course you
have to be for it

on the record,
but, off the record

it crowds out all the pork
you've got your eye on

like the Senator Enlow Off-ramp,
Rest Stop, Hotel and Casino.

Don't send me notes anymore.

Sam, screw the Fruit Loops.

Senator!

I apologize.

I apologize for my tactics
and my behavior.

Okay.

Okay.

Please don't let that
jeopardize, you know...

The subcommittee should
have hearings on this.

There should be learned
testimony.

I'm a Democrat, Sam.

How's a $20 billion
astronomy lecture

going to help the President
get elected?

It won't.

"We've discovered
a seamless

intellectual framework
for the universe"

isn't a good 30-second spot.

If we could only say
what benefit this thing has

but no one's been able
to do that.

That's because great achievement
has no road map.

The X ray's
pretty good.

So is penicillin.

Neither were discovered
with a practical

objective in mind.

I mean, when the electron
was discovered in 1897

it was useless.

And now, we have an entire world
run by electronics.

Haydn and Mozart
never studied the classics.

They couldn't--
they invented them.

Discovery.

What?

That's the thing
that you were...

Discovery is what.

That's what this
is used for.

It's for discovery.

Yeah, but you understand
that even

if this thing passed the Senate,
it's dead in the House.

Just as long as democracy's
not dead in the Senate.

I'll withdraw my anonymous hold.

'Cause you're scared
of my threat?

Yes.

Good.

You think I
was a hurdle

good luck with the
Appropriations Committee.

Thank you.

See, that wasn't so hard.

I've got to get back
to the party.

I've got to get
on a train.

Oh, we can get you a
room for the night.

No.

God, Dalton, isn't
there anything?

Sloan-Kettering or...

All right.

Thanks, Sam.

Now you think I'd make
a good physicist?

No.

But you're not bad
for Government help.

( Big Band music plays )

Mrs. Bartlet?

Yes?

Excuse me, but
I'm so sorry

about the way
I spoke before.

Oh, don't be,
you were good.

I've got a surprise
for you coming up.

Really?

Excuse me.
Yes?

Donna... Actually...

first of all, Amy.
Yes?

I understand,
and I forgive you.

You forgive me?
I do.

What the hell kind of thing

is that to...
Honey.

Thank you for
forgiving

me, Josh, I appreciate that.

No problem.
( under breath ):
Jackass.

( Abbey laughs )

Donna, you're an
American again.

INS has a
grandfather clause.

If you pass a three-part

literacy test, an
American History exam

and fill out a
one-page form

you're back.

My adopted country.

Oh, Josh, I kind of wish

you'd mentioned this before.

Why?
( drumroll )

( "O Canada" playing )

Wow.

You were very good
in there, Donna.

What the hell is going on?

Shh.

I was gone for 45 minutes.

They were all Americans

when I left.

I know exactly how
you feel, Mr. President.

I called Nolan.

I know I shouldn't have

but I'm sorry,
the rules are different

when it comes to my family, and
there isn't a man in America

who doesn't understand that.

I also think partiality
isn't a vice

in this case-- he knows you
and that's a good thing.

He's going to consider
not recusing himself.

I'm going to voluntarily
forfeit my license

for the duration of our
stay in the White House.

( guests singing ):
* O, Canada!
Our home and native land! *

* True patriot love
in all thy sons command *

* With glowing hearts
we see thee rise... *

Okay.

I'm going to do a toast
and everything in a minute

and I'll tell the ditch story

but I wanted to say
that I love you very much.

I love you, too, Jethro.

Don't call me that.

I think I will.

MARBURY:
Abigail!

( laughing )

Lord John.

Abigail, may I grasp
your breasts?

I'm standing right here!

You may kiss my cheek.

MARBURY:
Excellent.
Abbey?

Oh, Gerald.

I haven't had a chance
to say happy birthday.

Happy birthday,
Abbey.

( all ):
Happy birthday, Abbey.

* O, Canada

* We stand on guard
for thee... *