All language subtitles for The.West.Wing.S03E07.WEBRip.x264-FGT

Previously on The West Wing:

You have one
or two demands.

That's no problem.

I'll also need
unfettered access to you.
No.

Respectfully, sir.
It's a deal breaker.

You didn't keep records.

You have violated
medical practices.

And, in going after me,
they can paint the President.

Can I offer Buckland...?

No.
Well, he's going to
keep mouthing off...

Let him know
we're going to put it out

he tried to blackmail
the President.

Everyone will know
the leak came from us.

You're pissed at me?

You're pissed at me.
I don't believe it.
Abbey...

Go to hell.

PRESIDENT:
I'm not wild
about Camp David.

C.J.:
Yes, sir.

I'm not
the only one, either.

Bess Truman
didn't like it.

I read that somewhere.

She thought it was dull.

But there I go--
Thanksgiving at Camp David.

Yeah.

It's not a place
you'd go at Thanksgiving

not when you have a farm.

Isn't Camp David a farm?

No.

Oh.

What makes you think
it's a farm?

I don't know.
It's outside...

Farms have things

you can grow, and animals.

Right.

I want you to learn more
about farms.

There's more?

Yeah.

Okay.

Doesn't matter.

Thanksgiving's where
your family is

and this year,
my family's at Camp David.

Why, I do not know.

Abbey didn't want to shlep
to New Hampshire.

Shlepping in a 747?

It's not like
we were going

to have to carry
our own bags or anything

but I do not argue.

Were we talking about something?

I don't know, sir.

When I came in here,
back in the late '50s

there was a purpose to it

but then one thing led
to another, and I blacked out.

I mean, I can hang in there
with the best of them, sir

but somewhere
during the discussion

of anise and coriander

you like to use
to baste a turkey

I simply lost consciousness.

You know that line

you're not supposed to cross
with the President?

I'm coming up on it?

No, no. Look behind you.

Yes, sir.

Would you like to leave?

With your permission, sir.

Damn right,
with my permission.

Yes, sir.

It's the brine that keeps
the meat soft, lady.

You soak it
overnight

in water, salt, sugar...

17 kinds of...

17 kinds of
spices...

including?

Anise and coriander.

Now you can go.

Thank you, Mr. President.

How you doing?

I'm done, baby.

Yeah?

I set up
the ed-board meeting

with the Post
on budget gains.

I did an early briefing

on the wheat-gluten
import quota proclamation.

We pardoned the turkey.

I went to my dentist.
I'm done.

So there are these two
Indians in the lobby.

Yeah?

No, that's not the
beginning of a joke.

I'm saying, there are these
two Indians in the lobby.

I'm saying, yeah?

They had a meeting
scheduled this morning
with Jacob Cutler

at Intergovernmental
Affairs.

Cutler had to
cancel the meeting

so he could see
Northwestern border
state governors

to discuss porous
borders between the
U.S. and Canada.

That's the governors
of Washington, Idaho

North Dakota,
Montana, and Alaska.

Yeah?

Yeah, well, apparently

the Indians say
they're not leaving

till they get
satisfaction.

How's this my problem?

C.J., there's
two Indians

sitting in the lobby.

They say they're
not leaving.

There's press
everywhere.

I just made it
your problem.

( sighs )

Indians, on the day
before Thanksgiving.

Wow. Ironic.

Yeah.

Henry, I got it.
Thanks.

( C.J. clears throat )

Good morning.
I'm C.J. Cregg.

I'm Maggie
Morningstar-Charles

and this is our
tribal counsel

Jack Lone Feather.

I'm sorry
about your meeting.

Mr. Cutler had to meet
with some Northwestern governors

about an important problem.

Yes.

It will be no problem

to reschedule
the appointment.

Uh, we can wait.

Would you like
to step into my office

and we can try
to reschedule it right now?

We're fine here.

I'm sorry?

She said we're fine here.

Actually,
you're not fine here.

Then you can forcibly
remove us.

I've noticed that

correspondents from the Times,
Reuters, CNN

and the Miami Herald are here.

MAGGIE:
And the
Washington Post

is on speed dial.

This is going to have something
to do with us screwing you

out of all your land, isn't it?

Yes.

See, I was done.

I was just coming
to see you.

Did you hear about
the two Indians

in the lobby?

One of them wants
to become a rabbi?

It's not a joke.

There really...

Never mind.

Last week, a 13-year-old kid
in Georgia shot his teacher

in the back of the head.

I read about that.

They can't find
the kid, right?

Interpol made the arrest
last night in Rome.

In Italy?

His parents...

Yeah, Rome in Italy.

His parents sent him there
as soon as it happened.

The parents are in custody.

Obviously, the governor
wants him back

and Italy won't extradite
to a country

that has the death penalty.

The governor wants
Justice to help.

Why isn't this conversation
taking place

in the DeKalb County
D.A.'s office?

It's taken on an
international flavor.

Much like myself.
Yeah.

You'll talk
to some people?
Si.

And you'll stop doing that soon?

Yeah.

Sam?

Yeah?

Are you guarding my office?

( laughing )

That's funny.

Thank you.

( heavy sigh )

Yeah?

On Monday, the OMB
is putting out a new formula

for calculating
the poverty level.

I saw that.

Does it need
presidential approval

before it goes
to Congress?

Yeah.

What's the problem?

It's a good news/
bad news thing.

Under the new formula,
poverty is up two percent.

It was anyone

under $17,524 before.

Now it's $20,000.

What does that shake out to?

Four million new poor people.

Four million?
Yeah.

Obviously, that's the bad news.

Yeah.
The good news is

is that more people will
be eligible for benefits.

And taxpayers are nuts
about that.

Let's get back to the bad news.

Four million people became poor
on the President's watch?

They didn't become poor.

They were poor already

and now we're
calling them poor.

What was wrong
with the old formula?

I don't know.
Find out.

It's possible
that this is

a statistical reality
and not a political fight.

Well, get with someone at OMB
and find out what was wrong

with the statistical reality
of the old formula.

Yeah.

Do it today.
Yeah.

It's like when
they did the thing

with the SAT scores

and I got dumber 20 years
after I went to college.

It's a little like that.

Talk to somebody.

Yeah.

The Treaty of 1856...
Yes, listen...

...we were moved
from New York to Wisconsin.

Listen, this isn't
a good place for this.

This is, uh, a lobby.

I know what this is.

Yes.

I have a degree
from the University of Michigan.

Look...

Miss Cregg

if we give up
this ground

we lose our one
bullet in our gun.

We need to be in
view of the press.

What tribe
are you from?

We're Stockbridge-Munsee
Indians.

Like Maggie was saying,
when we were moved to Wisconsin

we signed the
Treaty of 1856.

In return, the government

was supposed to protect
our reservations

provide education
and health care

and we would still be
a sovereign nation.

But then the Dawes Act came.

You were forced

to sell the land?

We went from 46,000
acres of tribal land

to 11,000.

The Dawes Act was also supposed
to civilize us.

Henry Dawes said

"To be civilized,
you must cultivate the land

wear civilized clothes,
drive Studebaker wagons

and drink whiskey."

The drinking part

was particularly
constructive advice.

Now, before we go any further,
I should tell you

there's absolutely nothing
I can do for you.

Imagine our shock.

Yes.

In two generations,
we'll be wiped out.

Did you get me a flight?

Yes.

Excellent.

One that gets me there
in time for dinner?

Yes.

And I don't have
to change planes
in Atlanta?

No. Even better.

You do have to change planes
in Atlanta.

I told you...
You have to change planes
in Atlanta. Deal with it.

There must be
something.

There's a 6:10 to Orlando.

It gets in at 9:15,
but that's too late for dinner.

You could get a C-141
leaving Andrews for Homestead

but there's a problem
with that, too.

It would trigger
a Congressional
investigation?

All right, two problems.

Find me something.

Why is this being done
last minute?

And remember to scold me
a couple times before I go.

Did you just decide

you were going home
for Thanksgiving?

No, but I thought
I was going to Connecticut.

Why?

'Cause that's where
the house is.

Your mom sold the house
ten months ago.

I made a mistake.
You forgot
where your mother lives?

I'm from Connecticut, okay?

And like a swallow
to Capistrano, I have to...

Just find me
a flight, would you?

And call Russell Angler
at the State Department

and tell him I need to see him
about the kid in Georgia.

He'll know
what I'm talking about.

I'm telling your mother
you forgot where she lives.

You're the girl
I made fun of

in elementary school,
you know that?

Yes, I do.

SAM:
Donna

can I go in?

You don't know of any
special secret flights

to Palm Beach
today, do you?

Yeah, but you got
to change planes in Atlanta.

Okay.

Did you hear
about this kid?

Oh, the one who shot
his teacher?

His parents,
who are in custody

Fed-Exed him to Rome,
which is in Italy.

Are you kidding me?

No. It's really in Italy.

But that's not the best part.

Italy won't
extradite.

The best part is that
Italy won't extradite.

Because of the death
penalty in Georgia?

They've come a long way
since Mussolini.

You should
mention that.

I will.

So, it turns out we've got
four million new poor people.

Since when?

Well, yesterday actually.

The OMBs recommending
a new model?

Yes.
I'm not an expert

but wouldn't we have
a better chance

of getting reelected
if we could say

there are four million
fewer poor people?

Hang on, wait.
I am an expert.

Well, I think we have a better
chance of getting reelected

if there actually were
four million fewer poor people

but I'm going to talk
to Bernice Collette anyway.

You're going to
try and get her

not to recommend the new model?

Well, to hold off
for a while anyway.

You know Bernice?

That's why
I came to you.

She's, uh,
a little tough to warm up.

I'll warm her up.

Yeah?

Jokes, nicknames--

that sort of thing.

Well, it sounds
like you've got

a pretty good plan.

Anything else
I need to know?

Don't go through
the lobby.
Why?

Indians in the lobby.

Is that code?

No. There are Indians
in the lobby.

Okay.

PRESIDENT:
Bess Truman didn't like
Camp David, either.

She thought it was dull.

Doesn't matter.

Long as you've got
an oven that will
go to 320 degrees.

You take your turkey

which has been
soaking overnight

in water, salt,
coriander...
( knocking )

Excuse me, sir.
Toby would like to see you.

Should I send him in?

Yes.

Yeah, well,
that's obviously

a question for you, sir.

She was asking me.

I'll step out.

Yeah.

Good morning, sir.

Hey.

( door closes quietly )

Before anything else, I was
hoping I could impose on you

for as much information
as you can spare

about making a turkey.

This is some preemptive
psychological thing?

Yeah.

That's not going to work.

Yeah.

You're going to see...
in next week's message calendar

there's a notation
about a new Federal initiative

to provide
low-cost cell phones

to neighborhood
watch groups.

I saw the
message calendar.

I'm having
some difficulty

navigating
the color coding.

The colors are
for areas:

blue's education,
green's economy.

It's a quick-glance way
of letting us know

if we're getting enough hits
on our issues.

There should be

a separate color for things
I don't care about.

Like what?

Providing low-cost
cell phone service

to neighborhood

watch groups.
It's important.

Really?
You spot a crime,
you going to go to a pay phone?

There's nothing wrong
with the policy.

It's just too small.

I could fund this initiative

out of my pocket.
It's $10 million.

Leo could fund it
out of his pocket.

Shouldn't this be
local government

like the YMCA
or something?

We have an idea, which we have
reason to believe is popular

which is that, in addition

to passing large and abstract
pieces of legislation...

We pass minute but
easy to understand...

Yes.

How popular?
82%.

Get out of here.

Hand to God.

Bring me that polling data.

( clears throat )

What kind of stuffing
are we talking about?

Cornbread

oysters, water chestnuts
and andouille sausage.

You going to cook
on the inside or separate?
Inside.

Better make sure
it cooks.
It'll cook.

If it doesn't cook,
people are going to get sick.

It'll cook.
They'll be very,
very sick.

I've got it covered.

Anything else?

You know about
the new OMB definitions?

I know they're
coming out.

What's it going to look like?

That depends-- you
want more poor people

or fewer poor people?

Fewer poor people.

You got it.

Thank you, Mr. President.

water chestnuts
and andouille sausage.

Sounds good.

Yeah.

But Toby seemed to indicate

that you had to be careful

if you cooked it
inside the turkey

because, in some cases,
it doesn't cook

and when that happens,
people get sick.
Yeah.

You know about this?

I've heard about it.

'Cause I thought
Toby might be playing with me.

Maybe he is.
But you said you've
heard of it.

Maybe I am, too.

Nah. You don't have
that kind of wit.

Yeah.
I need to talk

to an expert.

Talk to Rene.
Margaret?

I can't ask Rene.

Yes.
The President needs
to speak

with the head chef.

Could you try him at home?

No, no, I can't.

Thanks, Margaret.

I can't ask
Rene right now.

Why not?

Well, frankly, I thought
he did something

stupid and inconsiderate
last week

but it turns out,
I was just in a bad mood.

You gave Rene a firm talking-to.

Yes, and while he
didn't deserve it

he will someday soon.

CHARLIE:
Excuse me.

Come on in.

They dropped off
the polling data
you were asking for.

82% are in favor
of fixing potholes?

Yeah.

I'm going to look at this.

Okay.

the nickel
and dime stuff

I'll tell you one
thing we can do.

What's that, sir?

This time of the
year, there should be

a hot line
you can call

with questions about
cooking turkeys.

A special 800 number
where the phones are
staffed by experts.

There is.

What do you mean?

The Butterball Hot Line.

Butterball has
a hot line?

Yeah.

It's an 800 number.

The phones are staffed
by experts.

Are you kidding me?

No.

God, I'm sorry.

I love my country.

Charlie, get me
the number for the
Butterball Hot Line.

Yes, sir.

Hang on.

I don't think

this is the right one.

The right poll?

Yeah.

This is something
different.

Hang on a second.

This is...

Son of a bitch.

Find Bruno Gianelli.

Tell him I want to
see him right away.

Yes, sir.

GINGER:
Sam?

Yeah.

Bernice Collette.

Thanks.

Hey, Sam.

How you
doing, Bernie?

I'm not wild
about people calling me Bernie.

Sure. What should
I call you?

Bernice is fine.

But how will you
know I'm your buddy?

I'm okay living
in the dark on that.

Okay.

Can you tell me how the current
standard was reached?

The new one?

The current one.

The new one hasn't
been signed off on.

We have to sign off
on it.

Why?

It's much more accurate.

How was the old
one reached?

The current one.

In 1963,
an Eastern European immigrant

named Molly Orshansky

who was working over
in Social Security

came up with it.

Food was
the most costly

living expense
where she came from.

Our cost of living formula

for the last 40 years
has been based

on life in Poland
during the Cold War?

This is what I'm
talking about.

Food doesn't account
for one third

of a family's budget.

Housing is more
expensive than food.

The current model also doesn't
take into account transportation

and health insurance.

So let's call the current model
the old model

and sign off on the new model.

All right.

Sit down.

The kid's being held
at San Vitale in Rome.

You ever seen anything
like this before?

Well, he's a minor

so this is
uncharted
territory.

Now, listen,
I got to tell
you something.

What?

Unless the eligibility papers

meet all the treaty
obligations

they're going to
have to release him.

Into whose custody?

They're just going
to release him.

Russ...
It's a provisional
arrest.

We don't have
the paperwork right

the Foreign Minister's
going to review it

and decline extradition.

They have no grounds
to hold him.

I-I don't...

He didn't break
any Italian laws.

They're going to give him
a Eurorail Pass and a backpack?

Well, the Governor's
got to guarantee

that he's not going to
seek the death penalty.

First of all, it isn't
up to the Governor.

It's up to the DeKalb DA.

Second of all,
this is Georgia.

Then, we're not
getting the kid back.

"Extradition
shall be refused

"unless the
requesting Party

"provides such
assurances

"as the requested
Party considers
sufficient

that the death
penalty shall
not be imposed."

I didn't write the U.S./Italian
extradition treaty.

This kid shoots his
teacher in the head

and gets life
in Venice.

We're all going to
look like idiots.

I got to put this out
before it's in the papers.

Yeah.

What do I do now?

I'd talk
to the Charge d'Affaires

at the Italian Embassy.

I want to do
it today.

I'll set it up.

Thank you.

MAN:
We got swampland

or soil too rocky to farm

so we had to foreclose
or sell at three cents an acre.

In 1934, the Indian
Reorganization Act allowed us

to start buying back the land,
bad and good, bit by bit.

Why would you want
to buy back the
bad land, too?

Because the I.R. Act said
if we put it in a trust

like a national park,
it would never be taken away.

So what you
need is what?

An answer
on our CFR 151 application.

I'm sure
that's handled

by the Department
of the Interior.

It is.
And?

We're still waiting
for a answer.

These things take
a little bit of time.

Well, we've been waiting
for a little bit of time.

It's a big interior, Maggie.

We've been waiting
for 15 years, C.J..

15 years?

Yeah.

So you can see
why we don't mind

hanging around here
for a little while.

Yeah.

C.J.?
Yeah.

You guys going
to have anything
on Macedonia

before the
end of the day?

I don't think so.
Okay.

What's going on?
I'm just talking
to my friends.

Okay.
Have a good weekend, Mark.

Have a good Thanksgiving.

I'm Canadian.

Yours is in April.

October.

Oh, to have it be over.

Yeah.

I have to ask
you because I'm
asking everyone.

There is an American
children's book

I'm trying to
find and having
difficulty.

It's called

The Little Red
Lighthouse and the
Great Grey Bridge.

I know
The Little Red Lighthouse.

That's a great book.

The funicular--
it's not a funicular.

It's a...

The George Washington Bridge.

Yes. You know
the lighthouse
is still there.

It's very hard to see.

If you're driving
up the Riverside

the West Side
Highway goes...

Yeah. You peer down
just at the right moment

you can see the top of it.

I can't find the book

and I have a
four-year-old boy now.

I'll ask around.

Thank you.

Please.

Now...

You stand hand in
hand with no other
nation on this

except Somalia.

You know that,
don't you?

Even China doesn't allow
children to be executed.

Well, Federal law
doesn't allow it

but the people
in the state of Georgia do

so there's not much...

Yes.

( sighs )

Grazzi.

Mr. Fedrigotti...

Alberto.

Alberto

please.

You'll have the Ambassador speak
to the Foreign Minister

and send the kid back?

Josh, you're in
a restaurant...

Alberto...

...and there is
a little girl

who's really
misbehaving.

She runs around.

She's throwing food.

The father decides to
punish her right there

by cracking a wine
bottle over her head

throwing her
to the ground

and kicking her
repeatedly.

You sit at the
next table.

What do you do?

The kid wasn't throwing food.

Is there a crime
that girl could commit

that would have justified
what the father did?

See, it's-it's problematic

when other people
make my argument for me.

Yeah.

And if the father said,
"This is my child

and I will punish
her any way I choose"

would you come
to the conclusion

that this father has
lost all perspective

and good judgment

and should be removed
from the equation?

Okay. I'm going to, uh...

I'll ask around
about the book.

Thank you.

What about the Assistant
Secretary for Indian Affairs?

He's away.

You tried?

Yeah.

Deputy Director
of Intergovernmental Affairs?

He's left.

Deputy of Acquisition...

Isn't there a Deputy
of Acquisition

and Property Management?

Yeah, and there's also a Deputy
of Tribal Services.

But... ?
It's Thanksgiving.
Nobody's here.

I'm here.
They're here.

You're here.

God knows that.

Tell Leo's office
I'm coming over.

She's making a certain
amount of sense.

Isn't this one
of those things

that can be argued
from all sides?

Yes.
And in one way
or another

they're all right.
Yes.

You can put the
numbers together

a lot of different ways.

Yeah.

Okay, well, let's
put them together

in a way that gives
us fewer poor people.

Yeah.

Or if we have to go
with the new formula

delay as long
as we can.

We have to test it.

All right.

So three statisticians
go deer hunting.

The first one misses
ten feet to the left.

The second one misses
ten feet to the right.

The third one jumps up and down
and says, "I hit it."

You got to
like a guy who
comes up with

a statistical analysis joke.

Certainly you would

if you had let me
call you Bernie.

Sam...
Shouldn't we
test the math

before the
President signs
off on it?

Create a pilot program

and experiment for two years?

Test the math?
Yeah.

You think we did this
with an abacus?

I've always wanted
to learn how to work an abacus.

'Cause on the first date
when the check comes

and you pull that thing
out of your pocket

and start adding up the tip.

Well, that
and your statistics jokes

will have you blazing a path
through the capital women.

Yeah. You know, the new formula
doesn't take into account

regional differences
in housing costs.

No.
You don't think
it's worth it?

We took the national mean.

How do you suppose landlords

in New York and L.A. feel

about the
national mean?

We debated that,
but agreed it was

too difficult to assess

when the costs change
from year to year.

So you drop the problem
when the math gets tough?

Look...
You know who wouldn't be
very pleased by that?

Miss Holly Orshanksy of Poland

author of the original formula

who I think is long overdue
for recognition.

Molly.

Hmm?

Molly Orshansky.

Not Holly?

No.

I thought it was Holly.

Bruno.

Get him in here.

What the hell is this?

Sorry?

What is this?

I don't know
what you're waving.

It's a poll.

I asked to see a poll about...

It doesn't matter.

They sent up the wrong poll.

This one asks voters where I
should spend Thanksgiving.

Yeah.

What the hell are you doing

polling where I should
spend Thanksgiving?

Well, New England
doesn't get us anything

that we don't already have

and there was a sense
it could be seen as political

with New Hampshire
the first primary state.

I have Thanksgiving
with my family.

Yeah, yeah.

People like that.

Thank God.

Mr. President...

You politicize my family

to make sure they
don't look political?

Don't get me started
on irony, sir.

My family is off limits.

Sir

your candor...
about a terrible illness

was off limits.

Your regimen
of self-medication

was off limits.

With due respect,
you've used up

your off limits.

I'll decide
when I've used them up.

You don't poll
where my family goes.

Am I making myself clear?

Mm-hmm.

Sometimes
I have difficulty

talking to people
who don't race sailboats.

What?

I have difficulty sometimes

talking to people
who don't race sailboats.

When I was a teenager,
I crewed Larchmont to Nassau

on a 58-foot sloop

called Cantice.

There was a little
piece of kelp

that was stuck to the hull,
and even though it was little

you don't want anything
stuck to the hull.

So, I take a boat hook

on a pole,
and I stick it in the water

and I try
to get the kelp off

when seven guys
start screaming at me, right?

'Cause now the pole is causing
more drag than the kelp was.

See, what you got to do
is you got to drop it in

and let the water lift it out
in a windmill motion.

Drop it in, and let the water
take it by the kelp

and lift it out.

In and out, in and out,
until you got it.

The voters
aren't choosing a plumber

Mr. President.

They are choosing
a President

and if you don't think
that your family should matter

my suggestion to you

is to get out
of professional politics.

But if you think
that I am going to miss

even one opportunity

to pick up half a knot
of boat speed

you're absolutely
out of your mind.

When it costs us nothing?

And we give up nothing?

You're out of your mind.

( knock at door )

Excuse me.

Ah, something important.

What is that, sir?

The number for the
Butterball Hot Line.

Watch and learn.

WOMAN:
Welcome to
the Butterball Hot Line.

Hello.

Please stand by
for our next available operator

to assist you.

Charlie?

15 years.

I agree.
That's a long time.

That's a pretty
long time.

Yes.

And you know,
all we're talking about

is a sewage plant
and a health center.

They're not asking
for the Great Plains.

I'll have somebody
call somebody

and find out what the delay is.

What can I tell them
in the meantime?

Tell them that.
It would be nice
if they could see

someone before they left.

They had an appointment.

Sealy?
He's gone.

Do it Monday.

We do it Monday, they're

going to stay here
till Monday

absent being dragged off
in handcuffs.

Of this, I'm sure.

Plus, right is right.

What do you want from me?

Five minutes.
No.

They walk out of here, they've
met the Chief of Staff.

No.
Why not?

'Cause I'm not
taking a meeting

with somebody who stages
a sit-in in the lobby.

All right, thank you.

Thank you.

Toby.

Yes, sir?

Come in, please.

You polled where I should
have Thanksgiving?

Yeah, I saw that question.

And it was
okay with you?

Uh, yes, sir.

Why?

Because it was okay
with Joey Lucas.

You think people should care
where I have Thanksgiving?

I know I don't give a damn.

All right, it
doesn't matter.

I straightened it out
with Bruno.

It has a lot
to do with kelp.

With what?

WOMAN:
Hello. Welcome
to the Butterball Hot Line.

Hey! Shh!
What the hell is...?

Hello!

How can I help you, sir?

Well, first, let me say

I think this is a wonderful
service you provide.

Thank you.
May I have your name, please?

I'm a citizen.

I'm sure you are, sir,
but if I have your name

I can put your comments
in our customer feedback form.

I'm Joe Bethersontin.

That's one "T,"
and with an "H" in there.

And your address?

Fargo.

Your street address, please.

Zip code, Fargo, North Dakota
right now.

My street address

is 11454 Pruder Street,

and it's very important
that you put "street" down there

because sometimes
it gets confused

with Pruder Way

and Pruder Lane.

It's Apartment 23...

"R"

Fargo, North Dakota.

Zip code 50504.

Thank you.

Your voice
sounds very familiar to me.

I do radio commercials
for... products.

And how can I help you?

Stuffing should be stuffed
inside the turkey, am I correct?

It can also be baked
in a casserole dish.

Well, then, we'd
have to call it
something else

wouldn't we?

I suppose.

If I cook it
inside the turkey

is there a chance I
could kill my guests?

I'm not saying that's
necessarily a deal-breaker.

Well, there are some concerns.

Two main bacterial problems

are salmonella
and campylobacter jejuna.

All right, well, first of all

I think you made
the second bacteria up,

and second of all

how do I avoid it?

Make sure all the ingredients
are cooked first.

Sauté any vegetables

fry sausage, oysters, etcetera.

Excellent.

Let's talk
temperature.

165 degrees.

No. See, I was testing you.

The USDA calls for turkeys
to be cooked

to an internal temperature

of 180 to
185 degrees.

Yes, sir.

I was talking
about the stuffing

which you want to cook to 165
to avoid the health risks.

Okay. Good testing.

Do you have
an accurate thermometer?

Oh, yeah.

It was presented to me as a gift
from the personal sous chef

to the king of...

auto sales in...

( whispering ):
Fargo.

...Fargo.

Phil Baharnd.

The man can
sell a car like...

well, like anything.

Very good, sir.

You have a good Thanksgiving.

And you do, too.

Thanks a lot.

That was excellent.

We should do that once a week.

Phil Baharnd?

I got to get better

at the names.

Well, that's it, sir.

Want to start
the weekend?

No. One more thing left.

Today, we find the traitor
in my family.

I know the First Lady
doesn't like to schlep,

but would you please tell her
to meet me in the residence?

Yes, sir.

JOSH:
Look... I need
to ask you something.

LEO:
What?

What am I missing?

Why does the White
House care so much

about an issue
involving a local DA

which at best
should be handled

by Justice and State
and the Embassy?

Because.
Because what?

Because I don't want
this President

to get a call
from the Bishop of Rome.

Why do we care about
the Bishop of Rome?

Because that's not
the only name he goes by.

What's another name?

Your Holiness.

The Bishop of Rome
is the Pope?

He'll take it
to a whole new level.

We don't want to be
on that level.

No, we do not.

Forget the Italians.

I want to work it from our side.

That means getting
the DA to guarantee

he won't seek
the death penalty.

Yeah.
How?

DeKalb's the Georgia Fourth.

Yeah.

When Drier was elected
from the Georgia Fourth

election before last,
Faragut was who he beat.

Who's Faragut?

The DeKalb DA.

Well, I suppose there's
a time for scruples

and a time for, you know...

Not?

Yeah.

He's left the office.

But he'll be
on the 8:00 PM USAirways

out of Hartsfield,
going to DFW.

Hartsfield?

Yeah.
Okay.

Excuse me.

Thank you.
Listen...

I got you on standby
on a direct flight

to Boca, where you
can rent a car, and...

Cancel it.
Why?

I need a layover
in Atlanta.

Oh, of course you do.

I need to get there
about an hour before

an 8:00 flight
would take off.

That would be around 7:00.

I haven't
done the math.

I'm also going to
need some information

on the DeKalb County DA
whose name is Faragut.

Do me a favor.
Start with a recent photograph.

And call my mother

and tell her I'm
going to be late.

Josh?
Yeah.

You call your mother.

Right.

I should be able
to at least fire

paint balls at you
while you do that.

It's harder to get elected
if you feature the underclass,

but it's harder to help them
if you hide them.

( chuckles dryly )

Well, what if we just
recalibrate it

to make everyone
over $20,000 rich

and everyone
under $20,000 middle class?

Then they'd
all vote

Republican, wouldn't they?

Yeah.
I think when we

get back from the weekend,
we should talk to Bruno.

Why Bruno?

Because I think if
it's anything short

of a torpedo in the
side of the campaign

we should take
it to Leo.

I think even if
it's a torpedo

in the side of
the campaign

we should do it,
but that's me.

And I don't
imagine
I'd rally

much support around that.

No.
So, I'll talk
to Bruno.

Yeah.
Thanks.

See you Monday.

Have a good Thanksgiving.

You, too.

CAROL:
Listen.

What?

Security's nervous.

Nervous about what?

The Indians in the lobby.

No, I mean, nervous
about what?

It's a lawyer and
a Michigan Wolverine.

I think we can take 'em.
We always do.

Yeah, I'm just saying

security's going
to do their thing.

( sighs )

I'll be there
in a minute.

Bruno?

Hey.

You get hauled in?

Yep.

And?

We had a conversation.

Listen, the OMB's
going to come out

with a recommendation
for a new way

to calculate
the poverty level.

A show of hands?

No, but the formula raises

the poverty level
$2,000 and change.

So, what is it now?

$20,000 a year.

The problem is,
we got to campaign

with four million
new poor people.

That's the problem?

Yeah.

Not that someone making
$21,000 a year

is considered
comfortable?

We're working
on that one, too.

You keep working
on that.

I'll sell the
other thing.

How?

Same way P.T. Barnum
sold a truckload
of white salmon.

By sticking labels
on them that said

"Guaranteed not to
go pink in the can."

I have this fish
theme going on today.

What the hell...?

"Are you telling me
this formula's

been broken for years,
and the other guys
haven't fixed it?"

Like that.

Want to get
a quick drink?

No, I got nieces and nephews.

And we'll meet Monday
on this, okay?

Truckload of
white sal--

You ever even heard
of white salmon?

No.

Guy could sell anything.

WOMAN ( over PA ):
Welcome to Hartsfield
International Airport.

For your protection,
please do not leave

any baggage unattended.

MAN (over PA ):
Flight 1421 to Los Angeles
is now boarding at Gate 31D.

Flight 1421 to Los Angeles
is now boarding at Gate 31D.

( buzz of conversation )

Yes?

Uh, could I get a
ginger ale, please?

Excuse me, you're
Mark Faragut, right?

I'm Josh Lyman.

Yeah.

Good to meet you.

You know, it's funny.

I just got a message
from my office to call...

Yeah.

Oh, God, you didn't come
all the way down here just...

No, my mom lives in Florida,
but just technically.

Sorry?
Doesn't matter.

The Governor...

The Italians aren't
worried about the
Governor, Mark.

They're worried
about you.

Italy can't tell me
how to prosecute my case.

And no offense, Josh,
but neither can you.

You don't have
a defendant.

You can't ask me
to weaken my stance.

I know, 'cause the
Georgia Fourth

is tough enough
for a Democrat

without appearing
as if he's against

the death penalty.
I'm not against
the death penalty.

I said "appearing."

And the only way
to combat that is
with TV time.

You are planning on
running again, right?

Apparently,
you don't know much

about my last campaign.

You raised $232,000
in four months,

but then the well dried up
after you prosecuted

a corporate polluter
and got stuck as
anti-business.

You were left with
$41,500 for the
last two months

and that was
the ball game.

WOMAN ( over PA ):
USAirways is pleased to announce

its Flight 1017 service
to Dallas-Ft. Worth

is now boarding at Gate Five.

Please have your boarding pass
ready to show the ticket agent.

That's my flight.

Guarantee you won't
seek the death penalty

and you'll have an
endless media buy

to explain it
to your district.

Josh, please tell me there is
no money in that envelope.

No.

Well, in a manner
of speaking.

Names?

Yeah, three of them.

None of them local.

Do what I'm telling you

and all three of them
will take your call.

I can win this time.

Your flight's boarding.

Have a good Thanksgiving.

You, too.

Ginger ale.

Thank you.

Hello.

PRESIDENT:
Hi.

Thank you, Al.

You summoned me?

Yeah, sorry about that.

Listen, I'm sorry
about this, too,

but we have to change plans.

What do you mean?
We're having dinner
here at the White House.

Charlie's calling
everybody.
Why?

I've seen some polling
information.

The numbers
are staggering.

People are looking
for steadiness,

for a father figure.

They like it when I'm here.

You can't be a father figure
at Camp David?

I guess not.

This is ridiculous.

You can't change plans
on people the 11th hour.

It's no problem.

Of course, it's a problem.

When you're in the White House,
there's an entire staff

that has to be here.

Now, they can't go home.

It's their job.

It's Thanksgiving.

I've got polling numbers.

Which say Camp David is fine.

J'accuse!

Oh, brother.

J'accuse, mon
petit fromage.

You speak
four languages.

How come none of them
is French?

Nothing's wrong
with my French.

You just called me
your little cheese.

That's right.

They came to me.

They said, "What do you think

about having Thanksgiving
at Camp David

instead of
New Hampshire?"

They told me why.

I said, "Fine."

And what part
are you leaving out now?

The part where I lied to you.

Yes.

Yes, I do that sometimes.

Sometimes, I don't want
to go 15 rounds

on Bess Truman
and what constitutes a farm.

On your behalf,
I have responded

to polling information
telling me what I should wear

and what I should say,
to say nothing of the fact

that I have been subpoenaed
to answer questions

before Congress on how
I secretly kept you alive.

So, explain to me now
how what I did

was out of line.

You know what?

It was.

I know.

Well...

with the ingredients
for stuffing

you have to cook them
before you put them
in the turkey

and you're not going
to know whether
I did or not.

I'll do what I always do
with anything you cook.

I'll wait for the girls
to eat it first.

Me, too.

How many treaties have we signed
with the Munsee Indians?

Six.

How many have we revoked?

Six.

What were the Munsees doing

in 1778?

Fighting in George
Washington's army.

And why aren't you
in New York anymore?

'Cause you marched us
to Wisconsin.

And whose land was it
in the first place?

Ours.

( sighs )

I'm going to have
the Park Police

escort you from the building.

It'll take me a few
minutes, so you can
make whatever calls

you need to make,

or you can come back
to my office right now.

We'll make
an appointment for Monday

and the White House
will cover your expenses.

Okay.

"Okay," what?

Okay, ma'am.

No, "okay," you're...

We'll come back
to the office.

How do you keep fighting
these smaller injustices

when they're all from
the mother of injustices?

What's the alternative?