All language subtitles for The.West.Wing.S01E01.WEBRip.x264-FGT

Man:
TWO ABSOLUT MARTINIS UP,
ANOTHER DEWARS ROCKS.

I DON'T THINK
WE'RE GOING TO RUN THE TABLE

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE ASKING.

Man 2:
IT'S NOT. DEEP
BACKGROUND.

I'M NOT GOING
TO COME CLOSE TO
USING YOUR NAME.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO COME CLOSE
TO GETTING A QUOTE, EITHER.

WHY ARE WE
SITTING HERE?

YOU SAT DOWN.

IS JOSH ON HIS WAY OUT?

NO.
IS HE?

I KNOW
HE'S YOUR FRIEND.
HE IS.

DID CALDWELL SAY...?

BILLY, I'M NOT TALKING
ABOUT THIS.

WHO DO I CALL?

NO ONE.

JUST TELL ME
WHO TO CALL.

WELL, YOU COULD CALL
1-800-BITE ME.
SAM...

HE'S NOT GOING
ANYWHERE, BILLY.
IT'S A NON-STORY.

OKAY, YOU'RE LYING NOW,
AREN'T YOU?

THAT HURTS. WHY WOULD I LIE
TO A JOURNALIST OF ALL PEOPLE?

WHY DO YOU KEEP LOOKING
OVER MY SHOULDER?
WHY?

ALGER HISS WALKED IN
WITH MY SECRET PUMPKIN.

WHAT?

A WOMAN...

I THINK SHE'S LOOKING AT ME.

REALLY?

I DON'T KNOW.

I NEVER KNOW
IF THEY'RE
LOOKING OR NOT.

( exasperated sigh )

YEAH, I THINK SHE WAS.

I WANT TO THANK YOU

FOR THE CASUAL WAY THAT
YOU DID THAT JUST NOW.

SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T
NOTICE THAT.

TV reporter:
Well, also in the news
this morning

25 cars jumped the tracks

spilling 20,000 gallons
of sodium hydroxide.

17 ACROSS IS WRONG.
IT'S JUST WRONG.

DO YOU BELIEVE
THAT, RUTH?

YOU SHOULD CALL THEM.

I WILL CALL THEM.

Woman:
TELEPHONE, LEO.

I'M IN THE SHOWER.

IT'S POTUS.

Federal investigators
have wrapped up

their field investigation
with an eerie test at the scene.

YEAH.

Woman:
YOU CAN HAVE A NORMAL LIFE.

YOU'D BE AMAZED
AT HOW NORMAL I CAN BE.

SEE, IT'S ALL ABOUT
BUDGETING YOUR TIME.

THIS TIME, THIS HOUR--
THIS IS MY TIME.

5:00 A.M. TO 6:00 A.M.

I CAN WORK OUT,
AS YOU SEE.

I CAN THINK ABOUT
PERSONAL MATTERS.

I CAN... MEET AN
INTERESTING MAN.

( pager beeping )

THE TRICK IS...

YOUR BEEPER'S GOING.

WHAT?

I THINK YOUR
BEEPER'S GOING.

( beeping continues )

( yells )

( pager beeping )

YEAH, THIS IS JOSH LYMAN.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

Flight attendant:
We ask at this time

that you turn off
all electronic devices

stow your tray table
and return your seat backs

to the full
and upright position.

We will be landing shortly
at Washington-Dulles Airport...

SIR, I NEED YOU
TO TURN OFF YOUR COMPUTER.

I'M JUST ABOUT DONE.

I NEED YOU TO TURN
OFF YOUR LAPTOP, SIR.

IT INTERFERES WITH OUR
NAVIGATIONAL SYSTEMS.

YOU KNOW WHEN
YOU GUYS SAY THAT

IT SOUNDS PRETTY
RIDICULOUS TO MOST
PEOPLE, RIGHT?

SIR...

MR. ZIEGLER?

YEAH.

A MESSAGE WAS JUST
PATCHED UP TO THE
COCKPIT FOR YOU.

I'M NOT SURE
I'VE GOT IT RIGHT.

"POTUS IN A
BICYCLE ACCIDENT"?

YOU GOT IT RIGHT.

YOU CAN'T USE
YOUR PHONE UNTIL
WE LAND, SIR.

WE'RE FLYING IN
A LOCKHEED EAGLE SERIES L-1011.

IT CAME OFF THE LINE
20 MONTHS AGO.

IT CARRIES A SIM-5 TRANSPONDER
TRACKING SYSTEM.

ARE YOU TELL ME
I CAN STILL FLUMMOX THIS THING

WITH SOMETHING
I BOUGHT AT RADIO SHACK?

YOU CAN CALL
WHEN WE LAND, SIR.

ALSO, I NEVER GOT MY PEANUTS.

Woman:
HOW YOU DOING, SAM?

Sam:
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

THE WATER PRESSURE IN HERE
IS REALLY IMPRESSIVE.

I KNOW.

YOU COULD RUN
HYDRAULICS IN HERE.

YOU WANT SOME?

I'M FINE.

I'M WASTED.

AND PROBABLY FREE OF CATARACTS.

I GET THAT. THAT'S FUNNY.

THANK YOU.

OH, WAIT, I'M SORRY.
YOUR MESSAGE...

YOUR PAGER WENT OFF
WHILE YOU WERE IN THE SHOWER.

I HIT THE BUTTON,
'CAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS MINE.

"POTUS IN
A BICYCLE ACCIDENT.

COME TO THE OFFICE."

I MEMORIZED IT JUST IN CASE
I ERASED IT BY ACCIDENT.

THESE THINGS LOOK EXACTLY ALIKE.

ANYWAY, LIKE I SAID,
I'M TOTALLY BAKED, BUT, UM...

IT'S NOT LIKE
I'M A DRUG PERSON.

I JUST LOVE POT.

UH, LAURIE, I HAVE TO GO.

YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

IT'S 5:30 IN THE MORNING.

I KNOW THIS
DOESN'T LOOK GOOD.

NOT THAT GOOD, NO.

I REALLY LIKE YOU

IF YOU GIVE ME YOUR NUMBER,
I'LL CALL YOU.

STAY RIGHT HERE.
SAVE YOURSELF A CALL.

IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T SEE
THE LOGIC IN THAT

BUT I REALLY GOT TO GO.

'CAUSE "POTUS"
WAS IN A BICYCLE ACCIDENT?

YUP.

HMM...

( sighs )

TELL YOUR FRIEND POTUS
HE'S GOT A FUNNY NAME

AND HE SHOULD LEARN
HOW TO RIDE A BICYCLE.

I WOULD, BUT HE'S
NOT MY FRIEND,
HE'S MY BOSS

AND IT'S NOT HIS
NAME, IT'S HIS TITLE.

POTUS?

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

I'LL CALL YOU.

( series of beeps )

( single beep )

Security officer:
IT'S A NICE MORNING,
MR. McGARRY.

WE'LL TAKE CARE
OF THAT IN A HURRY,
WON'T WE, MIKE?

YES, SIR.

DON'T KILL THE
MESSENGER, LEO.

OH, WHY THE HELL NOT, BONNIE?

Bonnie:
FIVE MINUTES?

PLEASE.

HEY, EMMA.
MORNING.

WILSON.
HEY, LEO.

JOE.
JEFFREY.

WHATEVER.

JOSH!

HEY, DONNA.
MORNING, LEO.

IS HE IN YET?

YEAH.

CAN YOU GET HIM?

JOSH!

THANKS.

I HEARD IT'S BROKEN.

YOU HEARD WRONG.

IT'S A MILD SPRAIN.

HE'LL BE BACK LATER TODAY.

AND WHAT WAS THE CAUSE
OF THE ACCIDENT?

WHAT ARE YOU, FROM STATE FARM?

GO, DO A JOB, WOULD YOU?

I'M JUST...

HE WAS SWERVING
TO AVOID A TREE.

AND WHAT HAPPENED?

HE WAS UNSUCCESSFUL.

YEAH, THAT'S FINE.

JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING
TILL YOU TALK TO JUSTICE.

HOW MANY CUBANS EXACTLY

HAVE CRAMMED THEMSELVES
INTO THESE FISHING BOATS?

IT'S IMPORTANT

TO UNDERSTAND, LEO

THAT, BY AND LARGE,
THEY'RE NOT FISHING BOATS.

YOU HEAR FISHING BOATS,
YOU CONJURE THE IMAGE OF...

WELL, OF A BOAT, FIRST OF ALL.

WHAT THE CUBANS ARE ON

WOULD CHARITABLY
BE DESCRIBED AS RAFTS, OKAY?

THEY'RE MAKING
THE HOP FROM
HAVANA TO MIAMI

IN FRUIT BASKETS,
BASICALLY. LET'S
BE CLEAR ON THAT.

DONNA'S DESK, IF
IT COULD FLOAT

WOULD LOOK GOOD
TO THEM RIGHT NOW.

I GET IT.
HOW MANY ARE THERE?

WE DON'T KNOW.

WHAT TIME EXACTLY
DID THEY LEAVE?

WE DON'T KNOW.

DO WE KNOW WHEN
THEY GET HERE?
NO.

TRUE OR FALSE: IF I
WERE TO STAND ON HIGH
GROUND IN KEY WEST

WITH A GOOD PAIR
OF BINOCULARS

I'D BE AS INFORMED
AS I AM RIGHT NOW.
THAT'S TRUE.

THE INTELLIGENCE BUDGET'S
MONEY WELL SPENT, ISN'T IT?

TELL HIM TO SEND IN
THE COAST GUARD.

THEY'RE NEVER GOING TO MAKE IT
TO OUR TERRITORIAL WATERS.

WHAT IF THE D.E.A.
SUSPECTED THEY HAD DRUGS?

DOES THE D.E.A. SUSPECT
THERE ARE DRUGS?

WE CAN MAKE A PHONE CALL.

JOSH!

IF THE D.E.A.
OR NAVY INTEL

THOUGHT THE CUBANS
WERE BRINGING IN DRUGS

WOULDN'T WE HAVE TO
GO OUT THERE AND
SEARCH THOSE RAFTS

WITH, YOU KNOW,
GUNS AND BLANKETS?

YOU LOOK LIKE HELL,
YOU KNOW THAT, DON'T YOU?

YES, I DO.
LISTEN, LEO, DID
HE SAY ANYTHING?

DID HE SAY ANYTHING?

THE PRESIDENT'S PISSED
AS HELL AT YOU, JOSH,
AND SO AM I.

I KNOW.

WE GOT TO WORK
WITH THESE PEOPLE

AND WHERE THE HELL
DO YOU GET OFF
STRUTTING YOUR...?

I KNOW.
AL CALDWELL'S
A GOOD MAN.

AL CALDWELL WASN'T THERE.

I'M SAYING YOU TAKE
EVERYONE ON THE
CHRISTIAN RIGHT

DUMP THEM INTO ONE
BIG PILE AND LABEL
THEM STUPID.

WE NEED THESE PEOPLE.

WE DO NOT NEED
THESE PEOPLE.

JOSH...

WE NEED AL CALDWELL.

WE WANT AL CALDWELL.

WE DO NOT NEED
JOHN VAN DYKE.

WE DO NOT NEED
MARY MARSH.

AND I THINK THERE
SHOULDN'T BE

INSTANT REPLAY
IN FOOTBALL

BUT THAT'S NOT MY
CALL NOW, IS IT?

IT WAS STUPID.

DAMN STRAIGHT.

I WAS RIGHT, THOUGH.

LIKE I DON'T KNOW THAT.

OH, MR. McGARRY,
HAVE THEY DONE AN X RAY?

YUP.

IS ANYTHING BROKEN?

A $4,000 LYNEX
TITANIUM TOURING BIKE

THAT I SWORE I'D
NEVER LEND ANYONE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
HOW DID HE...?

HE'S A KLUTZ,
MRS. LANDINGHAM.

YOUR PRESIDENT'S A GEEK.

MR. McGARRY,
YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL

ABOUT THAT KIND OF TALK
IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

I APOLOGIZE.

JUST IN THIS ROOM,
MR. McGARRY, IS
ALL I'M ASKING.

YES. OH, BONNIE, CALL O.E.O.B.

AND SET UP A BRIEFING
FOR THE VICE-PRESIDENT

AND LET'S COORDINATE

WITH KATEY SIMONS'
OFFICE ON THE
APPOINTMENTS.

SHOULD I GET EVERYBODY IN?

YEAH.

MARGARET, PLEASE CALL THE EDITOR
OF THE NEW YORK TIMESCROSSWORD

AND TELL THEM THAT "KHADDAFI" IS
SPELLED WITH AN "H" AND TWO "Ds"

AND ISN'T A SEVEN-LETTER WORD
FOR ANYTHING.

IS THIS FOR REAL OR
IS THIS JUST FUNNY?

APPARENTLY IT'S NEITHER.

ANYTHING I CAN SAY
OTHER THAN

THE PRESIDENT RODE
HIS BICYCLE INTO A TREE?

HE HOPES NEVER
TO DO IT AGAIN.

SERIOUSLY, THEY'RE LAUGHING
PRETTY HARD.

HE RODE HIS BICYCLE
INTO A TREE, C.J.

WHAT DO YOU WANT...?

"THE PRESIDENT,
WHILE RIDING A BICYCLE

"ON HIS VACATION
IN JACKSON HOLE

CAME TO A SUDDEN
ARBOREAL STOP."

WHAT DO YOU
WANT FROM ME?

A LITTLE LOVE, LEO.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT THE CUBANS?

I DON'T KNOW ANY
MORE THAN JOSH.

SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
1,200 AND 2,000 CUBANS

BEGAN EMBARKING FROM
A FISHING VILLAGE

30 MILES SOUTH
OF HAVANA.

WHERE ARE
THEY HEADED?

VEGAS.

MIAMI, THOUGH
IT'S NOT CLEAR

HOW SOPHISTICATED THE
NAVIGATIONAL EQUIPMENT...

NAVIGATIONAL...? "THAT WAY
IS NORTH" IS PRETTY MUCH...

IF ONE OF THESE GUYS COULD THROW
A SPLIT-FINGERED FASTBALL

WE'D SEND IN
THE U.S.S. EISENHOWER.

THAT'S NOT
ENTIRELY TRUE.

FOR GOD'S SAKE,
FORGET ABOUT
THE JOURNEY.

THE VOYAGE IS NOT OUR PROBLEM.

WHAT'S OUR PROBLEM?
WHAT TO DO
WHEN THE NINA

THE PINTA AND THE GET ME
THE HELL OUT OF HERE HIT
MIAMI.

CAN'T SEND
THEM BACK.
SAM?

THEY'D GO TO JAIL
IF THEY'RE LUCKY.

WE'LL GET WHACKED IN,
WHAT...?

THREE DISTRICTS--
DADE COUNTY.

NOT TO MENTION THE FACT
THAT IT'S WRONG.

WHAT ABOUT TEXAS?

I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

KEEP JOSH IN THE LOOP ON THIS
THROUGHOUT THE DAY.

ME? MY DAY'S
A LITTLE TIGHT...

DEAL WITH IT.

AND I'M HAPPY TO,
IT'S JUST THAT...

SAM...

I'M JUST SAYING, ISN'T THIS MORE

OF A MILITARY AREA?

MILITARY.

YEAH.
YOU THINK

THE UNITED STATES

IS UNDER ATTACK
FROM CUBANS IN ROWBOATS?

I MUST SAY I LIKE OUR CHANCES.

MIND-BOGGLING TO ME
THAT WE EVER WON AN ELECTION.

PAT THOMAS WANTS
TO CALL UP THE GUARD.

HE SHOULDN'T.
HE'S RIGHT.

YOU CREATE A
PANIC SITUATION.

I AGREE WITH JOSH AND I AGREE
WITH C.J. AND I AGREE WITH SAM

AND YOU KNOW
HOW THAT MAKES ME CRAZY.

YEAH, I DO.
THEY'RE RUNNING
FOR THEIR LIVES.

YOU DON'T START A GAME
OF RED ROVER WITH CASTRO

BUT YOU DON'T SEND IN
THE NATIONAL GUARD.

YOU SEND FOOD
AND DOCTORS.

SEE THAT I.N.S.
WORKS WITH THE RED CROSS

AND THE CENTERS
FOR DISEASE CONTROL.

MY C.D.C. GUY'S ON THE PHONE.

GO. TALK TO HIM.

TALK TO HIM.

MOVING ON.
LET'S TALK ABOUT JOSH.

Billy:
AL CALDWELL SCARES THE HELL

OUT OF THE PRESIDENT
AND JOSH KNOWS IT.

Woman:
HE'S NOT GOING
TO FIRE HIM.

HE'S GOT NO CHOICE.

BILLY, THE
PRESIDENT'S

NOT GOING TO
FIRE JOSH LYMAN.

HE DOESN'T HAVE A CHOICE.

( buzzer sounds )

I HAD DRINKS
WITH SAM SEABORN LAST NIGHT.

SAM SAID THE PRESIDENT
WAS GOING TO FIRE...

HE NEEDS THESE PEOPLE.

HE'S GOING TO HAVE
TO GIVE THEM JOSH.

C.J.:
FOLKS, FOLKS...

BILLY, WHAT DO YOU THINK...?

HE DOESN'T HAVE
A CHOICE.

GOOD MORNING.

DR. RANDALL HAYMEN,
H-A-Y-M-E-N

CHIEF OF ORTHOPEDICS
AT ST. JOHN'S HOSPITAL

HAS DIAGNOSED THE PRESIDENT

WITH A MILD SPRAIN
IN HIS LEFT ANKLE

SUSTAINED WHILE CYCLING

INTO A LARGE
CYPRUS TREE.

( all laughing )

DETAILS CAN BE FOUND
IN THE POOL REPORT

THAT LINDA AND SUZANNE
ARE DISTRIBUTING

ALONG WITH POOL PHOTOGRAPHS
OF THE PRESIDENT

RESISTING THE HELP
OF A SECRET SERVICE AGENT

AND THEN FALLING DOWN AGAIN.

BY ALL MEANS, ENJOY YOURSELVES.

ITEM NUMBER TWO...

C.J., HAS THE PRESIDENT...?

IT'S A LIGHT DAY, CHRIS.

LET'S JUST
GET THROUGH THIS

AND THEN I'LL TAKE
A COUPLE QUESTIONS.

ITEM NUMBER TWO: THE ASSOCIATION
OF RETIRED MUNICIPAL...

No, well, I can tell you
that you don't believe

in any God
that I pray to, Mr. Lyman

not any God I pray to.

Lady, the God
you pray to

is too busy
being indicted
for tax fraud.

( tape rewinding )

I can tell you
that you don't believe

in any God
that I pray to, Mr. Lyman

not any God I pray to.

Lady, the God
you pray to

is too busy
being indicted
for tax fraud.

( tape rewinding )

Lady, the God you pray to

is too busy
being indicted for...

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE
WORN THAT TIE ON
TELEVISION. IT BLEEDS.

I DON'T THINK IT
WAS THE TIE THAT
GOT ME IN TROUBLE.

BUT I TOLD YOU
A ZILLION TIMES...

WHAT'S THAT?

IT'S COFFEE.

I THOUGHT SO.

I BROUGHT YOU COFFEE.

WHAT'S GOING
ON, DONNA?

NOTHING.
DONNA...

I BROUGHT YOU COFFEE.

CLOSE THE DOOR.

DONNATELLA MOSS,
WHEN DID YOU START
WORKING FOR ME?

DURING THE CAMPAIGN.

AND HOW LONG HAVE YOU
BEEN MY ASSISTANT?

A YEAR AND A HALF.

WHEN'S THE LAST TIME
YOU BROUGHT ME COFFEE?

IT WAS NEVER.

YOU'VE NEVER BROUGHT
ME A CUP OF COFFEE.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO MAKE
A BIG DEAL OUT OF...

DONNA, IF I GET FIRED,
I GET FIRED.

DO YOU THINK
HE'S GOING TO DO IT?

NO.

( knocking )

IT'S TOBY.

YOU WON THAT ELECTION
FOR HIM--

YOU AND LEO AND C.J. AND SAM.

OPEN THE DAMN DOOR.
( knocking )

( quietly ):
AND HIM.

THANKS FOR THE COFFEE.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

DONNA BROUGHT YOU COFFEE?

SHUT UP.

WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'D I TELL YOU BEFORE YOU
WENT ON THE AIR YESTERDAY?

YOU SAID, "DON'T GET CUTE
WITH MARY MARSH."

I SAID DON'T GET CUTE
WITH MARY MARSH.

I SAID AL CALDWELL
IS NOT TO BE TREATED

LIKE SOME REVIVAL TENT CLOWN.

AL CALDWELL WASN'T THERE.

HE SURE AS HELL
WAS WATCHING.

LOOK, I ALREADY TOOK
LEO'S MORNING BEATING.

WHAT DO YOU
WANT FROM ME?

I WANT YOU
TO KEEP YOUR JOB.

HOW?

I'M GOING TO MAKE
A SUGGESTION, WHICH
MIGHT HELP YOU OUT

BUT I DON'T WANT THIS GESTURE
TO BE MISTAKEN

FOR AN INDICATION
THAT I LIKE YOU.

I UNDERSTAND.

IN PREPARATION
FOR THE SUNDAY MORNING

RADIO ADDRESS
ON FAMILY VALUES...

WHEN DID THAT GET
ON THE SCHEDULE?

LISTEN TO ME
FOR ONE SECOND.

WHEN DID IT GET ON THE...?

IT'S A REGULAR SUNDAY MORNING.

WHEN DID WE SCHEDULE
FAMILY VALUES?

WE SCHEDULED IT, JOSH

AFTER YOUR SMUG, TAUNTING,
YOU KNOW

CALAMITOUS PERFORMANCE ON
CAPITAL BEAT.

AMERICA FOR BETTER FAMILIES,
THE A.A.F.

AND AL CALDWELL... MARY MARSH.

I INVITED THEM ALL FOR COFFEE
THIS AFTERNOON ALONG WITH

A COUPLE OF SPEECH WRITERS
TO TALK ABOUT...

WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR.

YES. YES, SIR.

PRESIDENTS
ARE ROLLING OVER IN THEIR...

COME TO THE MEETING.

NO!

COME TO THE MEETING
AND BE NICE.
WHY?

SO C.J. CAN PUT IT
IN THE PAPERS.

AL CALDWELL'S FRIENDS
WITH BAD PEOPLE.

I THINK HE SHOULD SAY
SO FOR THE COMMON GOOD.

SCREW POLITICS--
HOW ABOUT THAT?

YOU DON'T RUN SOCIAL POLICY FOR
THIS GOVERNMENT. HOW ABOUT THAT?

TOBY...

I'M IN CHARGE
OF THE MESSAGE
AROUND HERE.

IT'S MY JOB
TO TELL THE PRESIDENT

THAT THE BEST THING HE CAN DO
FROM A P.R. STANDPOINT

IS TO SHOW YOU THE DOOR.

COME TO THE MEETING.

BE NICE.

KEEP YOUR JOB.

YEAH, I'LL BE THERE.

OH, TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

WHAT'S THAT?

ONE OF THE KIDS
FROM THE NEWSROOM

CLIPPED THAT FROM THE
JOURNALTHIS MORNING.

GUESS WHO'S LEAVING
LENNOX/CHASE TO START
CONSULTING IN TOWN?

SHE'S LEASING OFFICES
DOWNTOWN. SHE STARTS TODAY.

WHO'S SHE WORKING FOR?

I'M CHECKING IT OUT.

THAT'S A GOOD PICTURE OF HER.

Woman:
BRUCE?

BRUCE?

BRUCE?!

I MAY HAVE JUST GOTTEN BACK
INTO THE BUSINESS THIS MORNING

BUT I DIDN'T COME BY WAY
OF A TURNIP TRUCK

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

YOU PHAFF ME AROUND ON THIS

AND I'M GOING TO GET CRANKY
RIGHT IN YOUR FACE.

NOW, I WAS YOUR SOURCE ON 443--
BIG, FAT BYLINE ABOVE THE FOLD?

IT'S TIME WE PLAY "WHAT HAVE YOU
DONE FOR ME LATELY?"

I DON'T WANT TO HEAR
THAT YOU'RE GOING TO TRY,BRUCE.

THIS ISN'T GYM CLASS.

( siren blaring )

I SAID, "GYM CLASS."

( siren continues )

GYM CLASS?

( siren continues )

( siren stops )

BECAUSE IT'S
IMPORTANT IN
GYM TO TRY

BUT IT IS NOT
NECESSARILY...

BRUCE, IT WAS
A SIMPLE METAPHOR.

NOW, LISTEN UP.

YOU'RE
MISINTERPRETING ME

AND THE SENATOR

AND IT'S BUSH-
LEAGUE REPORTING.

IT'S BENEATH EVEN
YOUR NEWSPAPER.

YOU KNOW YOU RAN
A RED LIGHT BACK THERE.

HOLD ON. BRUCE,
HUCKLE ME LIKE THIS

I'LL MAKE YOU
CRY LIKE A GIRL.

LICENSE AND REGISTRATION,
PLEASE.

JUST A SECOND.

LICENSE AND REGISTRATION,
NOW, PLEASE.

LISTEN, I'M UNDER ARREST.

I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO CALL YOU BACK, BRUCE.

Man:
THEY'RE 21/////2 PERCENT
IN THE THIRD QUARTER

AT THE END OF THE FISCAL YEAR.

Leo:
THAT'S FINE, BUT THE PRESIDENT'S

GOING TO LOOK AT THE W.B.O.
REVENUE ANALYSIS

AND SAY THAT ECONOMISTS
WERE PUT ON THIS PLANET

TO MAKE ASTROLOGERS LOOK GOOD.

( laughter )

LEO...

LUTHER, BALL PARK--

ONE YEAR FROM TODAY,
WHERE'S THE DOW?

TREMENDOUS. UP A THOUSAND.

FRED, ONE YEAR FROM TODAY?

NOT GOOD.
DOWN A THOUSAND.

A YEAR FROM TODAY

ONE OF YOU
IS GOING TO LOOK PRETTY STUPID.

CAN WE GO NOW?

OH, GO,
GET OUT.

WE HAVE A STORM SYSTEM
MOVING INTO SOUTH FLORIDA.

SEE? WITH ANY LUCK

THE CUBANS WILL TURN AROUND
AND LIVE TO DEFECT ANOTHER DAY.

THEY'RE PROBABLY ALL
TUNED TO THE NATIONAL
WEATHER SERVICE.

BUT THAT'S NOT
WHAT I'M HERE FOR.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

LOOK AT THE WHOLE FIELD.
WE'RE ABOUT TO GET TAGGED.

WITH REGARD TO WHAT?

REELECTION.
OH, WE'RE NOT THERE YET.

DON'T LET LLOYD RUSSELL
PUSH US AROUND ON MEDICARE

OR MEDIUM-RANGE
MISSILES.

YOU'RE TAKING LLOYD RUSSELL
TOO SERIOUSLY.

HIS NUMBERS
ARE GETTING INTERESTING.

HOLLYWOOD LIKES HIM.
HE CAN RAISE MONEY.

WE'RE NOT THERE YET.

30-SECOND HYPOTHETICAL:
YOU'RE LLOYD RUSSELL

NEWLY CROWNED PRINCE OF
THE WHITE SUBURBAN WOMAN

THE UPPER MIDDLE
CLASS BLACK MAN,
THE TEACHERS' UNION;

YOU'RE NO FRIEND
OF THE SITTING PRESIDENT--

WHAT DO YOU DO?

PUT TOGETHER
AN EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE.

WHO RUNS IT?

YOU.
I ALREADY
GOT A JOB.

FOR THE MOMENT.

WHO DO YOU GET?

IF I COULD GET MANDY
TO LEAVE $900,000 A YEAR

AT LENNOX/CHASE, I'D GET MANDY.

YOU'D BE SMART.

COME TO THINK OF IT,
YOU THINK

SHE'D BE INTERESTED
IN HIS JOB?

YOU'RE IN LUCK.

SHE IN TOWN?

JUST GOT HERE TODAY.

WHAT'S SHE DOING?

WORKING FOR
LLOYD RUSSELL.

MARGARET! GET ME
SENATOR RUSSELL'S OFFICE

ON THE PHONE.

IS THAT THE SAME SUIT
YOU WORE YESTERDAY?

YEAH.

YOU?

YEAH.

I THINK IT'S HIM.

IT IS.

OKAY, I'M GOING OVER THERE.

( clears throat )

EXCUSE ME.

WE'RE SORRY
TO INTERRUPT YOUR LUNCH.

WE'RE JUNIORS
AT FLORIDA STATE.

WE'RE WITH THIS
POLI-SCI GROUP.

ANYWAY...
WE WANT TO SAY

WE THINK
YOU'RE EXCELLENT

AND CAN WE HAVE
YOUR AUTOGRAPH.

SURE. THIS IS
MANDY HAMPTON.

SHE'S EXCELLENT, TOO.

FROM THE CAMPAIGN.

WAIT... DIDN'T YOU GUYS
USED TO BE A THING?

JENNIFER!
SORRY.

SHE USED TO STEAL
MONEY FROM ME.

REALLY?
YEAH.

THANKS FOR STOPPING BY.

THANKS.
THANKS.
SURE.

Both:
BYE.
SEE YOU.

LISTEN, YOU CALLED ME.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO KNOW?

IS LLOYD GOING TO RUN?

I REALLY DON'T CARE
ONE WAY OR THE OTHER.

HE'S A LIGHTWEIGHT.

YOU DON'T LIKE HIM?

NOT WHEN I CAN'T USE HIM.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW
HOW MUCH TROUBLE

HE'LL BE
ON THE BUDGET SURPLUS.

YOU SHOULD GET TO KNOW HIM.

I HAVE ENOUGH FRIENDS.

NOT THESE DAYS YOU DON'T.

JEEZ, MANDY, IT'S
NOT LIKE THESE PEOPLE

WERE IN OUR CAMP
TO BEGIN WITH.

THEY'VE BEEN WAITING
FOR YOU TO TRIP OVER YOUR MOUTH

AND YOU HANDED IT TO THEM.

IT'S CHRISTMAS MORNING
FOR MARY MARSH.

YOU'RE A FULBRIGHT SCHOLAR.

ARE YOU HONESTLY
THE ONLY ADULT IN AMERICA

WHO DOESN'T THINK

YOU'RE ABOUT TO BE FIRED?

DO WHAT TOBY'S
TELLING YOU TO DO.

DID YOU JUST
CALL HIM "LLOYD"?

WHO?

SENATOR RUSSELL.

WHEN?
JUST NOW.

YOU SAID, "WHAT DO
YOU WANT TO KNOW?

IS LLOYD
GOING TO RUN?"
I DON'T REMEMBER...

THAT'S UNUSUAL THAT
YOU'D CALL A SENATOR

BY HIS FIRST NAME
TO A THIRD PARTY.

A THIRD PARTY?
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

NO, BUT AS LONG
AS ONE OF US DOES...

YOU'RE DATING LLOYD RUSSELL.

YES.

WOW. THAT'S GREAT.

ARE YOU GOING TO FREAK OUT?

NO, NOT AT ALL.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT
HE WAS GAY.

NO, YOU DIDN'T.
I DID.
HE'S NOT GAY.

YOU SURE?
VERY SURE.

HE ALWAYS SEEMED
EFFEMINATE TO ME.

HE HAPPENS TO BE VERY ATHLETIC,
PLENTY MASCULINE.

I THINK HE'S A WOMAN.

JOSH, TAKE ME SERIOUSLY.

I DO.

THE NEW YORK TIMES
IS GOING TO RELEASE

A POLL IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS.

IT BRINGS YOUR UNFAVORABLES
UP TO 48%.

THIS IS THE FIRST
I'M HEARING OF IT.

YOU'LL HAVE IT
IN ABOUT AN HOUR.

WHERE'D YOU GET THIS?

WE DON'T PLAY
FOR THE SAME TEAM ANYMORE.

ONE MINUTE, YOU'RE
GIVING ME CAREER ADVICE.

NEXT MINUTE,
YOU'RE TELLING ME

WE DON'T PLAY
FOR THE SAME TEAM?

I'M ONLY HERE A WHILE.

I WANT YOU
AT YOUR FIGHTING WEIGHT

WHEN I START BITCH-SLAPPING
YOU GUYS AROUND THE BELTWAY.

YOU AND LLOYD RUSSELL, HUH?

YEAH.

17 ACROSS.

YES, 17 ACROSS IS WRONG.

YOU'RE SPELLING HIS NAME WRONG.

WHAT'S MY NAME?

MY NAME DOESN'T MATTER.

I'M JUST AN ORDINARY CITIZEN

WHO RELIES ON THE TIMES
CROSSWORD FOR STIMULATION

AND I'M TELLING YOU
THAT I'VE MET THE MAN TWICE

AND I'VE RECOMMENDED
A PREEMPTIVE EXOCET

MISSILE STRIKE
AGAINST HIS AIR FORCE

SO I THINK I KNOW HOW...

LEO!

THEY HANG UP ON ME
EVERY TIME.

THAT'S ALMOST HARD TO BELIEVE.

WHAT DO YOU NEED?

NIGHTLINE WANTS SOMEONE
FOR THE EAST ASIAN...

SEND NAOMI.
WHAT ELSE?

THERE MIGHT BE
A PRESS LEAK ON A3-C3.

THAT WAS HUTCHINSON.
WHAT ELSE?

LEO...

PLEASE DON'T ASK ME ABOUT JOSH.

I WAS GOING TO...

I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW ANYTHING.

YOU KNOW THE PRESIDENT.

SO DO YOU.
YOU KNOW HIM BETTER.

I'VE KNOWN HIM 40 YEARS, C.J.

AND ALL I CAN PROMISE YOU IS

ON ANY GIVEN DAY, THERE'S
REALLY NO PREDICTING

WHAT HE'S GOING TO CHOOSE
TO CARE ABOUT.

YEAH.

I'M SORRY. I'M LATE.

Man 1:
YOU CAN'T USE THOSE STATS.

Man 2:
THE ASSAULT STATS.

THEY'RE WRONG.

Sam:
THEY'RE FROM YOUR OFFICE.

WE GOT THEM FROM HUD.
AND THEY'RE WRONG?

IF THEY WERE RIGHT,
DON'T USE THEM.

A) LET'S MAKE THEM RIGHT.
B) WHY CAN'T I USE THEM?

THE 76-YEAR-OLD
GRANDMOTHER.

EVERY TIME WE USE
THOSE STATS

CARR AND GILMORE...

WHO'S THE 76-YEAR-OLD
GRANDMOTHER?

DAILY, 17,000
AMERICANS DEFEND
THEMSELVES WITH A GUN...

THAT IS FLATLY UNTRUE.

...INCLUDING A 76-YEAR-OLD
GRANDMOTHER IN CHICAGO

WHO DEFENDED HERSELF
AGAINST AN INTRUDER

IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE NIGHT.

JUST DON'T USE
THE STAT.

A 76-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER
DOESN'T DEFEND HERSELF

WITH A MODIFIED
AK-47 ASSAULT RIFLE, LARRY

UNLESS SHE'S DEFENDING HERSELF
AGAINST TURKISH REBELS.

EXCUSE ME.

YOU GUYS KNOW
MY ASSISTANT CATHY.

WE TALK A LOT
ON THE PHONE.

YEAH. HI. I NEED YOU
FOR A SECOND.

ALL RIGHT. CALL ME
AT THE END OF THE DAY.

LEO'S WIFE CALLED.

THAT WOMAN HATES ME.

YES.
WHAT'D I DO?

YOU TRIED TO HIT ON HER
AT A PARTY FUND-RAISER.

YES. I MEANT RECENTLY.
WHY DID SHE CALL?

SHE WANTS YOU TO TALK...

FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME,
I DIDN'T KNOW WHO SHE WAS.

HOW MUCH LONGER WILL I
BE CRUCIFIED FOR THAT?

A LITTLE WHILE
LONGER, ANYWAY.

I WOULD THINK MOST WOMEN
WOULD BE FLATTERED.

I THINK LEO WAS
ESPECIALLY TOUCHED.

WHAT DOES SHE WANT?

SHE WAS SUPPOSED TO GIVE
A TOUR TO SOME STUDENTS

FROM HER DAUGHTER'S
FOURTH GRADE CLASS.

SHE CAN'T MAKE IT
AND WANTS YOU TO DO IT.

I CAN'T.
YOU HAVE TO.

THEY WROTE ESSAYS.

REALLY, I CAN'T.
I'M NOT A GOOD TOUR GUIDE.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THE WHITE HOUSE.

YOU WANT TO TELL
MRS. McGARRY THAT?

( beeping )
OH, GOD, PLEASE LET THIS BE

A NATIONAL EMERGENCY.

Woman:
Cashmere Escorts.

HI. YOU PAGED ME?

Who is this?

THIS IS SAM SEABORN.

I'm sorry.

There's been a mistake.

WHO'S THIS?

Cashmere Escort Service.

OKEYDOKE.

PAGE ME.

WHERE YOU GOING?

I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE.

PAGE ME AND PUNCH
IN THE NUMBER.

YOU SWITCHED PAGERS
WITH SOMEONE.

A WOMAN'S ABOUT TO CALL ME.

SHE'S NOT GOING TO KNOW WHY.

PUT HER THROUGH.

( phone ringing )

HELLO?

Laurie:
Hello.

You paged me?

LAURIE.

Who's this?

IT'S SAM.

Hi.

SAM SEABORN.

Yeah.

You called me.

YEAH, UH, ACTUALLY,
YOU CALLED ME

AND THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU HAVE MY PAGER

AND... I HAVE YOURS.

Oh...

YEAH.

L-LISTEN, CAN I COME BY
AND SEE YOU REAL QUICK?

Yeah.

THANKS.

GOOD.

OKAY.

I'M HOLDING
FOUR COLUMN INCHES...

YOU'RE GOING
TO BE WRONG.

GUYS, I DON'T HAVE
A LOT OF TIME

TO ANSWER QUESTIONS RIGHT NOW.

C.J., HAS THE...?

DOESN'T STOP YOU
FROM ASKING THEM. CHRIS?

HAS THE PRESIDENT
HAD ANY REACTION
TO JOSH ON THE SHOW?

NONE THAT I'M AWARE OF.

DO YOU KNOW...?
SERIOUSLY, THAT'S IT.

I'LL GET YOU WHEELS-DOWN
TIME WHEN I'VE GOT IT.

THEY'RE PICKING UP THE SCENT.

BILLY IS. THE REST
OF THEM ARE PICKING
UP BILLY'S SCENT.

JOSH IS GOING TO COME
TO THE COFFEE.

KEEP HIM COOL.

I DON'T NEED
TO TELL YOU THAT.

HIS WORK WITH THE
SOUTHERN BAPTIST
LEADERSHIP CONFERENCE...

HIS WORK WITH
THE CATHOLIC LEAGUE...

HE'S SPOKEN AT MY CHURCH.

YES, HE HAS.

HE ALSO SPENT EIGHT MONTHS
TRAVELING AROUND THE COUNTRY

DISCOURAGING YOUNG WOMEN
FROM HAVING ABORTIONS.

HANG ON-- HE NEVER
SAID ANYTHING...

HE DOES NOT BELIEVE THAT
IT'S THE GOVERNMENT'S PLACE

TO LEGISLATE THIS ISSUE

BUT THAT'S NEVER
STOPPED HIM

FROM PLAYING HIS ROLE
AS A MORAL LEADER--

SOMETHING WHICH COST HIM
DEARLY IN THE CAMPAIGN

AND YOU KNOW THAT.

WHY DOES HE INSIST ON
DEMONIZING US AS A GROUP?

BECAUSE YOUR GROUP
HAS PLENTY OF DEMONS.

EVERY GROUP HAS
PLENTY OF DEMONS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL
ME ABOUT IT, REVEREND.

I'M A MEMBER OF
THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY.

WELL, THEN, WHY DOES
THE WHITE HOUSE SUDDENLY TALK

LIKE EVERYONE IN THE CHRISTIAN
RIGHT IS THE SAME?

FORGIVE ME, AL, BUT WHEN
YOU STAND THAT CLOSE

TO MARY MARSH
AND JOHN VAN DYKE

IT'S SOMETIMES HARD
NOT TO PAINT YOU ALL
WITH THE SAME BRUSH.

I NEED JOHN AND MARY
FOR POLITICAL MUSCLE.

I DON'T THINK YOU DO,
BUT I RECOGNIZE YOU'RE
IN A TOUGH SPOT.

I'M NOT LOOKING
FOR A HOLY WAR, LEO.

OH, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT, AL

AND I THINK THAT YOU
AND I CAN KEEP THIS

FROM ESCALATING BEYOND
A PETULANT WOMAN BEING ANGRY

ABOUT GETTING HER HAIR
A LITTLE MESSED UP ON TV.

SEE? THERE YOU GO AGAIN.

WHAT, REVEREND?

IT WAS NOT
A LITTLE DEAL!
NO ONE'S
SAYING...

HEY, IF I MAKE SURE
OF NOTHING ELSE

I WANT TO MAKE SURE
YOU TAKE ME SERIOUSLY!

YOU DON'T THINK WE'RE
TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY?

24 HOURS AGO

THE PRESIDENT ORDERED ME
TO FIRE JOSH LYMAN.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TALK HIM
DOWN FROM IT EVER SINCE.

HE'S GETTING OFF THE
PLANE IN TEN MINUTES.

IT'S 6 TO 5 AND
PICK 'EM WHETHER
JOSH STILL HAS A JOB.

NOW, I DON'T KNOW HOW
MUCH MORE SERIOUSLY
WE CAN TAKE IT.

WELL, THAT'S REGRETTABLE.

YES, IT IS.

ANYWAY, I'M GLAD

TOBY ORGANIZED YOUR MEETING
THIS AFTERNOON.

OH, SO AM I.

( knocking )

HI.

HI.

CAN I COME IN?

SURE.

THIS IS A NICE APARTMENT.

YOU SAW IT LAST NIGHT.

YEAH. AND I REALLY LIKE IT.

IT MAKES VERY GOOD
USE OF SPACE.

THANKS.

THE WAY THE LADLE HANGS
FROM PEGBOARDS...

THE LADLE DIDN'T
ACTUALLY

COME WITH
THE APARTMENT.

IT'S MINE.

RIGHT.

YES.

UH, CAN I ASK YOU
SOMETHING?

AM I A HOOKER?

NO, NO. WHAT I WAS
GOING TO SAY IS THIS:

IS-IS IT POSSIBLE THAT
IN ADDITION TO BEING
A LAW STUDENT

AND PART-TIME BARTENDER,
THAT YOU ARE--

WHAT I'M CERTAIN
WOULD HAVE TO BE--

A VERY HIGH-PRICED
CALL GIRL?

I, BY THE WAY,
AM MAKING NO JUDGMENTS.

THE THING IS,
WITH MY JOB...?

YEAH.

YES?

YES.

I'M SORRY, I SHOULD
HAVE TOLD YOU.

I WANTED YOU TO LIKE ME.

I DO.

I HAVE TO GO.

SAM?

YEAH?

MY PAGER.

OH!

THANKS.

LISTEN, I DON'T KNOW
HOW OFTEN YOU GET UP...

SAM, GO.

YOU DON'T KNOW
WHO I AM.

IT'S JUST THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE

WHO'D PAY A LOT OF MONEY
TO TRY TO...

I KNOW.

GO.

IT'S OKAY.

( door closes )

REVEREND CALDWELL,
IF YOU ALL

WOULD JUST STEP IN HERE?

ALL RIGHT.

EXCUSE ME. HI.

WE'RE GOING TO BE
JUST A MINUTE

SO WHY DOESN'T EVERYBODY
HAVE A SEAT?

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
NICELY AND QUIETLY, TAKE A SEAT.

Josh:
NO.

PUT IT ON.

NO.

PUT IT ON.
NO!

YOU'VE BEEN WEARING THE SAME
CLOTHES FOR 31 HOURS NOW, JOSH.

I AM NOT GETTING SPRUCED UP
FOR THESE PEOPLE, DONNA.

ALL THE GIRLS THINK YOU LOOK
REALLY HOT IN THIS SHIRT.

BONNIE?

YEAH?

TELL TOBY HE'S
CHANGING HIS SHIRT.

RIGHT.

YOU'RE LATE.

I'M HAVING KIND OF
A WEIRD DAY.

LEO'S DAUGHTER'S CLASS
IS WAITING WITH THEIR TEACHER

AND A COUPLE OF PARENTS
IN THE ROOSEVELT ROOM.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
TO SAY TO THEM.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO TELL THEM

ABOUT THE BUILDING
AND ITS HISTORY.

YOU NEED ANYTHING?

SOMEONE TO TELL ME
ABOUT THE BUILDING
AND ITS HISTORY.

JUST FAKE IT.
I CAN'T FAKE IT.

OF COURSE YOU CAN FAKE IT.

Josh:
WHICH ONE'S
LEO'S DAUGHTER?

WHAT DOES IT MATTER?

I WANT TO MAKE
A GOOD IMPRESSION.

WHAT DOES SHE LOOK LIKE?
I DON'T KNOW.

HEY, I'D JUST LIKE TO THANK
YOU FOR ALL YOUR HELP.

SURE.

HI. I'M SORRY TO BE LATE.

MR. SEABORN,
MALLORY O'BRIAN.

HI.

AND THESE ARE
THE FOURTH GRADERS

AT CLEAR LAKE
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

WHO WROTE THE BEST ESSAYS

ON WHY THEY WANTED TO
VISIT THE WHITE HOUSE.

WELL, THAT'S JUST GREAT!

WHY DON'T WE GET STARTED?

MY NAME IS SAM SEABORN

AND I'M THE DEPUTY
COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN EXACTLY?

WELL, TO BEGIN WITH, I'M
A COUNSELOR TO THE PRESIDENT--

MOSTLY ON DOMESTIC MATTERS

THOUGH GENERALLY NOT
SECURITY-RELATED.

I WORK WITH TOBY ZIEGLER,
THE COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR

AND C.J. CRAIG,
THE PRESS SECRETARY

ON CRAFTING OUR MESSAGE
AND GETTING IT OUT

THROUGH THE ELECTRONIC
AND PRINT MEDIA.

AND WHILE MY FUNCTIONS HERE
ARE GENERALLY PERCEIVED

TO BE POLITICALLY SKEWED

IT'S IMPORTANT TO REMEMBER

THAT IT IS NOT THE D.N.C.,
BUT, RATHER, YOUR TAX DOLLARS

THAT PAY MY SALARY

SO I WORK FOR YOU,
WHETHER YOU VOTED FOR US OR NOT.

MR. SEABORN, MAYBE YOU COULD
GIVE US SOME HISTORY.

SURE. I GRADUATED LAW SCHOOL
EIGHT YEARS AGO

AND STARTED WORKING
AT DEWEY/BALLANTINE...

ACTUALLY... I'M
SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

I MEANT "HISTORY
OF THE BUILDING."

THE WHITE HOUSE?

YES.

SURE!

THE WHITE HOUSE, AS YOU KNOW,
WAS BUILT SEVERAL YEARS AGO

MOSTLY, IF I'M NOT MISTAKEN,
OUT OF CEMENT.

THE ROOM WE'RE IN RIGHT NOW--
THE ROOSEVELT ROOM--

IS VERY FAMOUS.

IT IS NAMED AFTER

OUR... 18th PRESIDENT,
FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT.

THE CHAIRS THAT YOU ARE
SITTING ON TODAY

ARE FASHIONED FROM THE LUMBER
OF A PIRATE SHIP

CAPTURED DURING
THE SPANISH-AMERICAN...

ALL RIGHT.

KIDS, I NEED TO SPEAK
WITH MR. SEABORN.

SIT TIGHT FOR A SECOND.

HI.
HOW YOU DOING?

I'M SORRY TO BE RUDE,
BUT ARE YOU A MORON?

IN THIS PARTICULAR
AREA, YES.

THE 18th PRESIDENT
WAS ULYSSES S. GRANT

AND THE ROOSEVELT ROOM
WAS NAMED FOR THEODORE.

REALLY?

THERE'S A SIX-FOOT PAINTING
ON THE WALL OF TEDDY ROOSEVELT.

I SHOULD HAVE PUT
TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.

WHILE THERE
ARE MANY THINGS

ON WHICH I CAN SPEAK
WITH AUTHORITY

I'M NOT GOOD AT TALKING
ABOUT THE WHITE HOUSE.

YOU'RE THE WHITE HOUSE
DEPUTY COMMUNICATIONS DIRECTOR

AND YOU'RE NOT GOOD AT TALKING
ABOUT THE WHITE HOUSE?

IRONIC, ISN'T IT?

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

WAIT A MINUTE, PLEASE--

COULD YOU TELL ME
WHICH ONE OF THOSE KIDS

IS LEO McGARRY'S DAUGHTER?

WHY?

IF I COULD MAKE EYE CONTACT,
MAKE HER LAUGH--

JUST SEE THAT SHE'S
HAVING A GOOD TIME--

IT MIGHT GO A LONG WAY
TO MAKING MY LIFE EASIER.

THESE CHILDREN WORKED
HARD-- ALL OF THEM--

AND I'M NOT INCLINED
AT THIS MOMENT TO MAKE
YOUR LIFE EASIER.

MS. O'BRIAN, I UNDERSTAND
YOUR FEELINGS

BUT PLEASE BELIEVE ME
WHEN I TELL YOU

THAT I'M A NICE GUY
HAVING A BAD DAY.

I JUST FOUND OUT THE TIMES
IS PUBLISHING A POLL

THAT SAYS A CONSIDERABLE
PORTION OF AMERICANS

FEEL THE WHITE HOUSE
HAS LOST ENERGY AND FOCUS--

A PERCEPTION THAT'S NOT
LIKELY TO BE ALTERED

BY THE VIDEO FOOTAGE
OF THE PRESIDENT RIDING
HIS BICYCLE INTO A TREE.

THE COAST GUARD ARE FISHING
CUBANS OUT OF THE OCEAN

WHILE THE GOVERNOR OF
FLORIDA WANTS TO BLOCKADE
THE PORT OF MIAMI.

A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE
IS ABOUT TO GET FIRED

FOR GOING ON TELEVISION
AND MAKING SENSE

AND IT TURNS OUT THAT I
ACCIDENTALLY SLEPT WITH
A PROSTITUTE LAST NIGHT.

NOW, WOULD YOU PLEASE,
IN THE NAME OF COMPASSION

TELL ME WHICH ONE OF THOSE KIDS
IS MY BOSS'S DAUGHTER?

THAT WOULD BE ME.

YOU?

YES.

"HIS DAUGHTER'S
FOURTH-GRADE CLASS..."

YES.

WELL, THIS IS BAD
ON SO MANY LEVELS.

SHE'S GOING TO TRY
AND BAIT YOU, JOSH.

YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING?

LLOYD RUSSELL.
YEAH, THAT'LL LAST.

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

THEY'LTHEY WANT YOU TO SAY
AND BASOMETHING ARROGANT.

I DON'T NEED BAITING
FOR THAT.

HI. HI. GOOD AFTERNOON.

WE APOLOGIZE. WE'RE RUNNING
A BIT LATE TODAY.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

HOW'S THE PRESIDENT,
TOBY?

YOU KNOW EVERYONE--
MARY MARSH, JOHN VAN DYKE.

HI.
HI.

HOW DO YOU DO?
NICE TO MEET YOU.

EVERYBODY,
SIT, SIT, SIT.

I'M HAPPY YOU COULD
TALK WITH US TODAY.

AS YOU KNOW, THE
PRESIDENT MAKES

A USUAL SUNDAY MORNING
RADIO ADDRESS.

IN A FEW WEEKS,
HE'S SCHEDULED...

UH, TOBY, IF I COULD INTERRUPT
FOR JUST A MOMENT.

UH, THE GOALS
AND SPIRIT

OF CHRISTIAN AND
FAMILY-ORIENTED
ORGANIZATIONS

WHILE EMBRACED
BY A GREAT

AND GROWING NUMBER
OF AMERICANS

HAVE BEEN MET WITH
HOSTILITY AND CONTEMPT

BY THEIR GOVERNMENT.

NOW, YESTERDAY MORNING

ON THE TELEVISION
PROGRAM CAPITOL BEAT

THAT CONTEMPT
WAS GIVEN A VOICE

AND A FACE AND A NAME.

I'M REFERRING, OF COURSE,
TO YOU, SIR.

YES, I KNOW, AND I'M GLAD
YOU BROUGHT THAT UP.

I'M SURPRISED AT YOU, JOSH.

I'VE ALWAYS COUNTED YOU
AS A FRIEND.

AND I'M HONORED
BY THAT, REVEREND.

FIRST, LET ME SAY THAT
WHEN I SPOKE ON THE
PROGRAM YESTERDAY

I WAS NOT SPEAKING
FOR THE PRESIDENT

OR THIS ADMINISTRATION.

THAT'S IMPORTANT
TO KNOW.

SECOND, PLEASE ALLOW
ME TO APOLOGIZE.

MY REMARKS WERE
GLIB AND INSULTING.

I WAS GOING FOR
THE CHEAP LAUGH.

AND ANYBODY WILLING TO
STEP UP AND DEBATE IDEAS

DESERVES BETTER THAN
A POLITICAL PUNCH LINE.

MARY, I APOLOGIZE.

GOOD, THEN.

LET'S DEAL.

( clears throat )

I'M SORRY?

WHAT DO WE GET?

FOR WHAT?

INSULTING MILLIONS
OF AMERICANS.

WELL, LIKE JOSH SAID...

I HEARD WHAT
JOSH SAID, TOBY

WHAT DO WE GET?

AN APOLOGY.

SUNDAY MORNING
RADIO ADDRESS.

PUBLIC MORALS, SCHOOL PRAYER

OR PORNOGRAPHY--
TAKE YOUR PICK.

SCHOOL PRAYER
OR PORNOGRAPHY.

ON EVERY CORNER.

I'VE SEEN IT. MARY...

CONDOMS
IN THE SCHOOLS.
WHAT?

CONDOMS IN THE SCHOOLS.

WELL, THAT'S A PROBLEM.

Mary:
WHAT?

WE HAVE A SURGEON GENERAL
WHO SAYS

THEY DRAMATICALLY
REDUCE THE RISK

OF TEEN PREGNANCY AND AIDS.

SO DOES ABSTINENCE.

Caldwell:
SHOW THE TEENAGE
MALE A CONDOM

AND HIS MIND WILL TURN
TO THOUGHTS OF LUST.

SHOW THE AMERICAN TEENAGE
MALE A LUG WRENCH

AND HIS MIND'LL TURN...
TOBY.

SCHOOL PRAYER,
PORNOGRAPHY, CONDOMS--

WHAT'S IT GOING TO BE?

WE'RE NOT PREPARED
TO MAKE ANY SORT

OF A DEAL RIGHT NOW.

SURE WERE ARE. MARY...

MY READ IS THAT YOU'RE
CLEANING OUT YOUR DESK

BEFORE THE END
OF BUSINESS TODAY

SO I'D RATHER NEGOTIATE
WITH TOBY

IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU.

MARY...
PLEASE ALLOW ME
TO WORK.

IT WAS ONLY A MATTER
OF TIME WITH YOU, JOSH.

THAT NEW YORK
SENSE OF HUMOR WAS JUST...

MARY, THERE'S...
REVEREND, PLEASE.

THEY THINK THEY'RE SMARTER.

THEY THINK
IT'S SMART TALK

BUT NOBODY ELSE DOES.

Josh:
I'M ACTUALLY
FROM CONNECTICUT

BUT THAT'S NEITHER HERE
NOR THERE; THE POINT IS...

SHE MEANT JEWISH...

WHEN SHE SAID, "NEW
YORK SENSE OF HUMOR."

SHE WAS TALKING
ABOUT YOU AND ME.

TOBY, LET'S NOT
EVEN GO THERE.

THERE'S BEEN AN APOLOGY.

LET'S MOVE ON.

Van Dyke:
I'D LIKE
TO DISCUSS

WHY WE HEAR SO MUCH TALK
ABOUT THE FIRST AMENDMENT

BUT NO TALK ABOUT
THE FIRST COMMANDMENT.

I DON'T LIKE WHAT
I'VE BEEN ACCUSED OF.

WELL, I'M AFRAID
THAT'S JUST TOUGH, MRS. MARSH.

THE FIRST COMMANDMENT SAYS

"HONOR THY FATHER."

NO, IT DOESN'T!
TOBY...

IT DOESN'T.
LISTEN...

NO! IF I MAKE YOU
SIT THROUGH

THIS PREPOSTEROUS EXERCISE

WE'LL GET THE NAMES
OF THE COMMANDMENTS RIGHT!

OKAY, HERE WE GO.

"HONOR THY FATHER"

IS THE THIRD COMMANDMENT!

THEN WHAT'S
THE FIRST COMMANDMENT?

"I AM THE LORD
YOUR GOD.

"THOU SHALT WORSHIP

NO OTHER GOD BEFORE ME."

BOY, THOSE WERE THE DAYS, HUH?

GOOD AFTERNOON,
MR. PRESIDENT.

AL.

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT HERE, C.J.?

WE'VE GOT SOME HOT
TEMPERS, MR. PRESIDENT.

MARY.

MR. PRESIDENT,
I'M JOHN VAN DYKE.

YES.

REVEREND.

MAY I ASK YOU
A QUESTION, SIR?

OF COURSE.

IF OUR CHILDREN
CAN BUY PORNOGRAPHY

ON ANY STREET CORNER
FOR $5.00

ISN'T THAT TOO HIGH A PRICE
TO PAY FOR FREE SPEECH?

NO.

REALLY?

ON THE OTHER HAND,
I DO THINK

THAT $5.00 IS TOO HIGH A PRICE

TO PAY FOR PORNOGRAPHY.

C.J.:
WHY DON'T WE
ALL SIT DOWN?

NO, LET'S NOT, C.J.

THESE PEOPLE WON'T BE STAYING
THAT LONG.

MAY I HAVE SOME COFFEE,
MR. LEWIS?

AL, HOW MANY TIMES HAVE
I ASKED YOU TO DENOUNCE

THE PRACTICES OF
A FRINGE GROUP

THAT CALLS ITSELF
THE LAMBS OF GOD?

OH, SIR, THAT'S
NOT UP TO ME...

CRAP-- IT IS
UP TO YOU, AL.

YOU KNOW,
MY WIFE, ABBEY

SHE NEVER WANTS ME

TO DO ANYTHING
WHILE I'M UPSET--

THANK YOU,
MR. LEWIS.

28 YEARS AGO, I CAME HOME

FROM A VERY BAD DAY
AT THE STATE HOUSE.

I TELL ABBEY I'M GOING OUT
FOR A DRIVE.

I GET IN THE STATION WAGON,
PUT IT IN REVERSE

AND PULL OUT OF THE
GARAGE FULL SPEED.

EXCEPT I FORGOT
TO OPEN THE GARAGE DOOR.

ABBEY TOLD ME NOT TO DRIVE
WHILE I WAS UPSET

AND SHE WAS RIGHT.

SHE WAS RIGHT YESTERDAY

WHEN SHE TOLD ME
NOT TO GET ON THAT DAMN BICYCLE

WHILE I WAS UPSET,
BUT I DID IT ANYWAY.

AND I GUESS I WAS
JUST ABOUT AS ANGRY

AS I'VE EVER BEEN
IN MY LIFE.

SEEMS MY GRANDDAUGHTER ANNIE

HAD GIVEN AN INTERVIEW
IN ONE OF THOSE TEEN MAGAZINES

AND SOMEWHERE BETWEEN
MOVIE STARS AND MAKEUP TIPS

SHE TALKED ABOUT HER FEELINGS
ON A WOMAN'S RIGHT TO CHOOSE.

NOW ANNIE, ALL OF 12,
HAS ALWAYS BEEN
PRECOCIOUS.

BUT SHE'S GOT
A GOOD HEAD

ON HER SHOULDERS
AND I LIKE IT
WHEN SHE USES IT.

SO I COULDN'T UNDERSTAND IT

WHEN HER MOTHER CALLED ME
IN TEARS YESTERDAY.

I SAID,
"ELIZABETH, WHAT'S WRONG?"

SHE SAID, "IT'S ANNIE."

NOW, I LOVE MY FAMILY

AND I'VE READ MY BIBLE
FROM COVER TO COVER

SO I WANT YOU TO TELL ME--

FROM WHAT PART OF
HOLY SCRIPTURE

DO YOU SUPPOSE
THE LAMBS OF GOD

DREW THEIR DIVINE INSPIRATION

WHEN THEY SENT
MY 12-YEAR-OLD GRANDDAUGHTER

A RAGGEDY ANN DOLL WITH A KNIFE
STUCK THROUGH ITS THROAT?

YOU'LL DENOUNCE
THESE PEOPLE, AL.

YOU'LL DO IT PUBLICLY.

AND UNTIL YOU DO,
YOU CAN ALL GET YOUR FAT ASSES

OUT OF MY WHITE HOUSE.

C.J., SHOW THESE PEOPLE OUT.

I BELIEVE WE CAN
FIND THE DOOR.

FIND IT NOW.

WE'LL FIX THIS, LEO.

SEE THAT YOU DO.

OKAY, CAN I JUST SAY THAT,
AS IT TURNED OUT

I WAS THE CALMEST PERSON
IN THE ROOM?

HEY.
WAY TO STAY COOL.

I AM NOT EMPOWERED TO AUCTION
OFF THE BILL OF RIGHTS.

I THOUGHT YOU'D TAKE
A SWING AT HER.

SHE WAS CALLING US
NEW YORK JEWS, JOSH.

BUT BEING FROM
CONNECTICUT

I DIDN'T MIND SO MUCH.

YOU, C.J., ON THE OTHER HAND

YOU WERE BRILLIANT.

I PARTICULARLY
LIKED THE PART

WHERE YOU SAID
NOTHING AT ALL.

I'M SORRY, JOSH.
I WAS DISTRACTED.

ALL I COULD
REALLY THINK ABOUT

WAS LLOYD RUSSELL
AND YOUR GIRLFRIEND.

MANDY AND LLOYD RUSSELL?!

I'LL PUT AN END
TO THAT.

HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT.

DID YOU HAVE A NICE TRIP, SIR?

HOW'S THE ANKLE, SIR?

SEEMS TO ME WE'VE ALL BEEN
TAKING A LITTLE BREAK.

THINKING ABOUT
OUR PERSONAL LIVES OR...

THINKING ABOUT
KEEPING OUR JOBS?

BREAKS ARE GOOD.

IT'S NOT A BAD IDEA TO TAKE
A BREAK EVERY NOW AND THEN.

AND I KNOW
HOW HARD YOU ALL WORK.

THERE WAS THIS TIME
THAT ANNIE CAME TO ME

WITH THIS PRESS CLIPPING...

SEEMS THESE THEOLOGIANS
DOWN IN SOUTH AMERICA

WERE ALL EXCITED BECAUSE
THIS LITTLE GIRL FROM CHILE

HAD SLICED OPEN A TOMATO

AND THE INSIDE FLESH
OF THE TOMATO

HAD ACTUALLY FORMED

A PERFECT ROSARY.

THE THEOLOGIANS COMMENTED
THAT THEY THOUGHT

THAT THIS WAS
A VERY IMPRESSIVE GIRL.

ANNIE COMMENTED
THAT SHE THOUGHT

IT WAS A VERY IMPRESSIVE
TOMATO.

DON'T KNOW WHAT
MADE ME THINK OF THAT.

NAVAL INTELLIGENCE REPORTS

APPROXIMATELY 1,200 CUBANS
LEFT HAVANA THIS MORNING.

APPROXIMATELY 700 TURNED BACK
DUE TO SEVERE WEATHER.

SOME 350 ARE MISSING
AND PRESUMED DEAD.

137 HAVE BEEN TAKEN
INTO CUSTODY IN MIAMI

AND ARE SEEKING ASYLUM.

WITH THE CLOTHES ON THEIR BACK,
THEY CAME THROUGH A STORM

AND THE ONES THAT DIDN'T DIE

WANT A BETTER LIFE
AND THEY WANT IT HERE.

TALK ABOUT IMPRESSIVE.

MY POINT IS THIS--

BREAK'S OVER.

Leo:
THANK YOU,
MR. PRESIDENT.

THANK YOU,
MR. PRESIDENT.

THANK YOU, SIR.

( heavy sigh )

JOSH...

"TOO BUSY BEING INDICTED
FOR TAX FRAUD"?

( takes a deep breath )

DON'T EVER DO IT AGAIN.

YES, SIR.

MRS. LANDINGHAM, WHAT'S NEXT?

GOVERNOR THOMAS
AND THE MAJORITY LEADER

HAVE ASKED TO BE
CONFERENCED IN

AND THE GROUP FROM NASA's
ASSEMBLING FOR THEIR PHOTO OP.

AT 7:00, YOU HAVE COCKTAILS...