All language subtitles for Sex+Ed.mSD.en.srt

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Hey, man. Do you have a bathroom that we could use?

- We? - She loves bathrooms.

No.

Look, man, we wanna fuck in the bagel bathroom.

- You just tell me what that's gonna take. - Nothing. You can't.

I'll tell you what. Give me every fucking bagel you got.

I'll buy you out, and then I'm gonna bang in the bagel room.

I really... [WHISPERING]

She wants to eat a bagel off my cock.

Guys, I'm sorry, but this isn't gonna happen.

I want a cock bagel.

She wants a cock bagel, man. Sympathize.

I don't sympathize.

Hey, didn't you teach geometry a couple of years ago?

No.

He did. He was our fucking student teacher. Remember that?

Holy shit. Yes, you're right. Now you work in a bagel shop?

- Economy's been really bad. - Wow, man. You're a real loser.

I bet you masturbate a lot. You have that look.

I don't have that look. You guys need to leave.

- Or what? - Or I'll call the police.

Fuck you, man. We want the bathroom.

Aw, he's the fucking quarterback.

Stop!

Eat dick, bagel man.

GIRL: Hey, let's just go fuck in your car.

[SQUEAKING]

[WOMAN GASPS]

- Hey, man. You're home early. - What are you doing in my room?

It's cool. A little mix-up.

[CLATTERING]

- She's great, right? - You're screwing in my bed?

- I haven't even screwed in my bed yet. - I don't have sheets on my bed.

I thought you just lay down a towel. She is not "just a towel" kind of girl.

- She's special. - Oh, good. I'm happy...

That's not my bed. That's Eddie's bed.

I'm disgusting. I don't have any sheets on my bed because I got drunk a month ago.

I pissed the bed, threw out the sheets and never got new ones.

And I just wanna be perfectly honest with you because I'm...

[SIGHS] I'm crazy about you.

You are so fucking cheesy.

And I think I kind of like it. [GIGGLES]

- Okay, good night. - Oh, Eddie. Eddie, Ally.

- Ally, Eddie. - BOTH: Hi.

So, you're the first girl to be naked in my bed.

Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

No, no. It's fine.

Did that letter come for me today, man?

Oh. Yeah. It's in the bathroom.

What's it doing in the bathroom?

That's where I read my mail, dude.

- Rejected. - What?

- That sucks. - MAN: Dude, you were born to teach.

- I was, man. I'm a good teacher. - You can teach the fuck out of some kids.

When I was a student teacher, our math team went to the motherfucking state finals.

You goddamn right they did. You gave those nerds something to live for.

You don't get to the state finals by being nice, man.

Geometry isn't nice. It's fucking hard.

- Pythagorean theorem? - I don't even know what that is.

I am sick and tired of waiting to be a teacher, man.

You wanna screw a girl, you don't wait to buy bedding.

The quarterback wants a cock bagel, he doesn't wait.

I'm gonna go to Tampa tomorrow and I'm gonna tell the American Teaching Corps

they owe me a goddamn interview.

- Yes! Yes! - Right? Yes!

- Yes! - Yes!

What is a cock bagel?

Hi. You rejected my application without ever giving me an interview.

And I deserve an interview. So that's why I'm here.

I like your spirit. Let's see this resume.

It says here you student-taught at Bradenton. Good school.

I really enjoyed that experience,

and I actually started a math team that went to the state finals.

I used to work with kindergartners before they put me behind the desk.

- Oh. - God, I loved those fucking kids.

Great hugs. And their smiles? Gives you a reason to wake up in the morning.

Absolutely.

- You mind? - Totally.

You're allowed to like drinking. You know what I mean?

Sure. Of course.

That's why I love those kids.

I mean, if I were sad or maybe a little drunk...

they don't judge. You know?

Maybe I worked my way through an eight ball and...

woke up in St. Pete with half a kitten in a cardboard box.

Didn't matter.

Those little guys... good for the hug, always.

Well, I've always thought that a nurturing approach

is much better than being an authoritarian.

That's why we do it. We don't do it for the bitches, that's for certain.

No. I... I do not do it for the bitches either.

Well, not to say I pay for sex.

I mean, strip club occasionally, but that's no biggie.

There's nothing wrong with a gentleman's club.

No, there isn't. Me, personally, big fan of Odyssey 2001.

You been there? Uh, the strip club?

I think I've seen it from the highway. With the spaceship?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Yeah.

A good strip club has to have a compelling theme.

Otherwise, you're just jerking off in a warehouse. You know?

- Do you mind if I give you some advice? - Please do.

This isn't teaching advice. This is life advice.

Okay, cool.

Never do two illegal things at the same time.

- I like that advice. - Can I give you some more advice?

Do not go to a strip club in the town you live in.

- Not even Odyssey? - Especially not Odyssey.

Why? Because it becomes habitual.

Before you know it, you're just stopping by for a quick drink.

And the bartender's mixing you a "G and T" before you even asked for it.

Then one day you wake up...

- and guess what happens. - I don't know what, but it sounds bad.

You're married, man. You're fucking married.

And your wife? She's still working the pole four nights a week.

Fuck me.

That's all I'm saying. Write this shit down.

- I brought a pad. - This is gold, man.

All right, "Edward Cole."

- Right? - Eddie. Eddie's fine.

- Eddie. - Yeah.

Like Eddie Murphy.

So, what do you wanna teach, Eddie? I mean, ideal world.

Well, I was trained to teach math. I student-taught geometry.

And as I was saying, our team went to the state finals last year.

Good for you. Well, the thing is...

- we don't really have any positions. - There's got to be something.

Mm-mmm.

Oh, wait.

I do have something.

Done and done.

It's either Fourth or Fisk Street. I can't read it.

- Fisk? - Fisk. Fourth or Fisk.

Good luck.

I got the job!

No way, dude!

- We're celebrating. - I'm so happy for you, Eddie.

MAN: Yes, yes, yes, yes.

No, no, no, no. You're sitting right there. Oh, watch out.

So, what's the job?

Oh, sorry. I don't wanna sit on the couch and get all oily.

Um, it's up in Tampa... Ybor City.

It's an after-school study program for kids.

- That's the Cuban neighborhood, right? - It's really cool up there.

Yeah, yeah. I'm excited.

Brutal commute though, man. Fucking bru... You're gonna be living on the Skyway.

I know.

I, uh... I don't mean to insert myself here,

but it may make sense for you to get a place closer up there.

Wh... No. No, no. If you move over there, I'm never gonna see you.

I don't know, man. Maybe it's a good idea.

A fresh start.

Well, what's most important is that you're happy. So...

I guess do whatever makes you happy, man. [PATS LEG]

And this is just gonna keep on happening.

- Role-play stuff, man. - What roles are you guys playing?

- Christmas in the firehouse. - Yeah, turkey was for dinner.

- But what's the elephant? - Oh. My dick goes in the nose like this.

Hi. I'm here to check out the apartment.

The apartment... you're gonna love it. It's got everything.

So this is it. This is your palace, baby.

This is where you're gonna love and lose. It's all here.

- All right. - [DOOR SLAMS]

[SHOUTING] Hey, motherfucker, you gonna pay rent

or am I gonna have to make you homeless?

- So, the walls here are thin. - Got it.

But, you know, if you're banging it out, don't be shy. I don't mind a little noise.

You know, I'm... I'm fairly quiet when I make love.

I'm just saying, you know, I like the sound.

Sensuality and whatnot. You know, life, happening.

Yeah, it can be soothing.

And you might hear a little bit of something from me too.

I might get a little screamy, but it's all good.

If shit gets screamy, I'm just handling my business.

Sure. Sure.

- I think I'll take it. - Right on.

All right, well, come downstairs to my bar later, meet your neighbors.

Okay, sure.

[SPANISH BALLAD]

That's pretty cool music.

Pretty cool? Baby, it's the coolest.

- I used to be in band. - Yeah, what'd you play?

The oboe. It's a woodwind.

Man, I know what a oboe is. It's a pussy deflector.

It's like a pussy magnet, but in reverse.

- I was in jazz band, so... - You played jazz oboe?

Yeah. I had, like, a Kenny G thing going on. We used to do jazzy Christmas songs.

But oboe.

- Yeah, it wasn't very cool, was it? - Oh, baby, it really wasn't.

That's okay, doll.

What's your poison?

- I'll have a whiskey. - All right.

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

Hey, guys.

I'm Mr. Cole.

I am your after-school activities coordinator.

So, what do you wanna learn?

Come on, guys. You wouldn't be here if you didn't wanna learn something.

- This is detention. - What?

We have to be here. We all got in trouble.

- Yes. - Can I go to the bathroom?

Sure. Yeah. Go ahead.

- Hey, you wanna hear me freestyle rap? - Uh...

- Yeah. He's awesome. - Okay. Sure. Yeah. Let's hear something.

- All right, what's your name? Cole? - Yeah.

- All right. Go. - [IMITATING BEATBOX]

Mr. Cole likes it in the hole

Just a little brown, wants to go downtown, mm

- Mr. Cole sucking dick on the knoll - Hey.

Pussy bitch wanna suck a dick on the knoll

- Hey, that's enough. That's enough! - He got one in his hole, both holes

Come on, Mr. Cole, stop being such a bitch.

If you use that kind of language in this class, I will call your parents.

No, no, no, don't do that. You can't.

[SOBBING]

- What's going on? Are you okay? - I'm gonna die. I got cancer.

- What? - I'm bleeding.

- What do you mean? - I'm bleeding out my hoo-ha.

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

Come... come with me. Come with me.

I got these in the teachers' lounge.

Here.

- What do I do with these? - That's a tampon.

I don't know what that is!

See, you just... you take it and you... put it in.

- What? No way! - No, it's... you just... Look. It...

It's... can I... can I call your parents?

My dad is working right now, and...

I don't have a mom.

Uh... Can you wait right here? I know someone that I can call.

Can you just wait here one second? I'll be right back.

Oh, thank the Lord you came.

This is my friend Ally. She's a nurse. She's gonna help you out.

Yeah. Come with me. It'll all be all right.

You wanna get a drink with JT? There's a cool bar underneath my new apartment.

Yeah, sounds good.

Hey. What are you still doing here?

Oh. My sister's meeting me, but she's always late.

Oh. There she is.

That's your sister?

Hey, buddy.

- Hi. - Hi. Uh, I'm Ed Cole.

- I work at the school. - Pilar, Tito's sister.

- Oh. Uh, this is my friend Ally. - Hi.

Not my... not my girlfriend.

Oh. Okay.

She's actually dating my best friend, so...

I think she gets it, Eddie.

Right.

So...

- How's it going? - Great. Good.

Yeah. Cool.

- You come here often? - The school?

- Yeah. - Um... Yeah. I guess so.

I... I meet Tito most days.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Um, we better get going, right, Ed?

Yeah. We actually have plans tonight, so we got to jet.

Yeah, we're going to this really cool bar. I don't know if you wanna... chill.

- Chill? - Yeah, like hang out.

- Yeah, nobody says "chill." - Tito, be nice to your teacher.

[STEREO: REGGAETON]

Mira, Chiquitita, let's roll.

That's our ride.

Yeah, I got my ride over there.

[HORN HONKS]

- Um, well, bye. - Yeah. Bye.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

She was so scared 'cause no one ever explained it to her.

Sex ed, man. That's what these kids need.

Are you sure you're the best person to be teaching sex ed?

You can teach sex ed even if you're a virgin.

- You might actually be better at it. - Whoa. Who said I was a virgin?

Oh, I'm sorry.

For the record, Eddie is definitely not a virgin.

He had, uh, crazy sex with a Canadian girl one summer at camp.

- Who is now a model in Toronto. - Wow.

- But maybe it is time to get back out there. - Dude, I liked this girl today.

- That did not go well. - Why?

It was really uncomfortable to watch. Really uncomfortable.

Like watching that porno with Screech.

- What you need is a rain dance. - I don't need a rain dance.

- What's a rain dance? - Sometimes when JT's in a dry spell,

he finds a girl who is less than attractive and he has sex with her,

and then he paints his face like an Indian and walks around the apartment in a loincloth.

You are in a dry spell. You are in the Death fucking Valley.

And once it rains, it pours, so what you need to do is find a girl to end the dry spell

- and get things pouring again. - No. That's terrible advice.

Sometimes you got to get your dick a little bit dirty.

I like having a clean dick.

Well, unavailable men are sometimes more attractive.

By unavailable, she means bros who presently reek of pussy.

And even though you totally lost your virginity at camp...

and everybody believes you're not a virgin...

a rain dance might be a good thing. Jump-start things, get things going again.

Yeah, but if I lower my standards and date an ugly girl,

doesn't that kind of constrain me to a particular ballpark?

Recall the woman to whom I was laying pipe prior to Ally.

- JT, I'm right here. - She looked like she lived under a bridge.

Yeah. The girl I was railing looked like a troll.

But I was getting laid.

And that, in some deep biological, pheromonal, pussy-stank way,

attracted her to me.

So, why were you attracted to me?

I don't know. I just was.

Do you think it was some sort of deep, pheromonal, semen stink kind of way?

That's a good question. If Ally smelled like jizz, would you be attracted to her?

Yeah. If we were in a bar and I had jizz on me, would you come over and talk to me?

- I don't think he would. - I don't think he would either.

I really thought you guys had something special.

And you'd get turned off by a little white sauce.

I just want you to stop talking about other people jizzing on you.

So, why were you attracted to me?

I think maybe it's because you're so willing to call me on my shit

that you'll tell me other people jizzed on you.

I'm pretty awesome that way, right?

See, this is what I want... what you guys have.

See, but if you want this, you got to make it rain.

- I have just the girl. - Who?

She was a senior when we were freshmen.

Crazy. And I don't think she's changed since college.

- Really? - Oh, she will get the job done.

What is wrong with you guys?

All right, guys, today we're gonna learn about the human body.

Now, I know there's a lot of slang terms out there for body parts.

- [CLEARS THROAT] Like "poontang." - Please be quiet, Leon.

It's important for you to know and understand the scientific terms

so that you have respect for your bodies and for the bodies of others.

That's why in this class we're only gonna use the proper names for the body parts.

So let's start with the female anatomy.

Here we have the labia majora.

Let me hear you say it. Let's all get comfortable with it here.

ALL: Labia majora.

- Good. - [LEON CLEARS THROAT]

- Yes, Leon. - Is it always called labia majora?

- Yes, Leon. - What if it's kind of droopy?

- It's always the labia majora. - What if it looks like lunch meat?

It's still the labia majora.

What if it looks like a baby's face frowning?

- That... that's still labia majora. - Well, what if it...

Leon, it will always be labia majora. Okay?

I'm just saying, man, I seen some shit that I would not call labia majora.

- Last warning, Leon. - Let me know when you find your tiny dick.

- It's right above your tiny balls. - STUDENTS: Ooh.

- Principal's office now. - No, no, no.

- I warned you, Leon. Go! - Please, Mr. Cole, my dad will kill me.

Go, Leon.

LEON: I was just talking.

- MAN: You should know better, Leon. - I'm sorry.

[WATER RUNNING]

MAN: You have a dirty mouth. A dirty, dirty mouth.

I taught you better than that. You should know better.

You know better.

[TOILET FLUSHES]

Sir, um, I'm Eddie Cole.

- I run the after-school academic program. - Reverend Marcus Hamilton.

- You're not gonna wash your hands? - Excuse me.

[LEON GROANS]

I apologize for my son's behavior.

You know, it's really not that big a deal. It's just kids being kids.

- So, what have the kids been learning? - Uh, well, we are taking some time

to just talk about general adolescent health issues.

- What do you mean by that? - Well, uh...

Leon and the other kids are going through puberty,

and they don't really understand what's happening to them. So...

So you're telling my son about his pubic hair?

No.

You don't think that I can explain pubic hair to my own son?

- No, of course not. - Believe me when I say

I have a thorough understanding of pubic hair.

And that these types of discussions should be had at home...

between a parent and child.

Not with some teacher that I barely know and certainly don't trust.

I understand.

Come on, Leon.

- What's up, honey? - Hey. I'm meeting a girl here.

- Oh, all right. - Blind date.

- Oh, I think she's here. - TOGETHER: Hey.

- Trish. You're Eddie. Hi. - Hi. Oh.

- Nice to meet you. That's okay. - Sorry.

Wow. This is a cool spot.

EDDIE: Yeah.

So, what's go... up with you?

Not much. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

I was just gonna say your blouse is really nice.

- Thank you. - It's a good color. Good color.

Black. [CHUCKLES]

- Can I get you something? - Shots. Thanks. We'll get this party started.

- Okay. Yeah. - Right?

- What do you like to drink? - Everything.

EDDIE: They have everything here. Mmm.

So, do you, like... do you, like, sip? 'Cause... Like, the big cup sometimes...

- Oh, that's how you... Okay. - Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

And the parents are working, and they cut after-school programs.

It's important. I need to teach them.

Why don't you teach me something?

- Huh? - Oh, what do you wanna learn?

Come on, Mr. Teacher. Huh?

- You show me what you're made of. - [SNICKERS]

Get up. Whoo!

- Whoop. - Oh, I don't think we should do that.

It's all clear.

- EDDIE: Wait? In here? - Here. Come on. [GIGGLES]

Back here.

[BOTH MOANING]

Come on.

- Wait. We should go to my apartment. - Mm-mmm.

Do you have a nice dick?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

- I bet your dick tastes like candy. - Yeah, it does.

Yeah? What kind of candy?

- Mmm. It's dick-flavored candy. - Mmm. I like that.

- Right. - [BELT UNBUCKLES]

- [SOBS] - What?

Why are guys always using me?

What?

You only like me because you know I give good blow jobs.

Don't... No, no. I didn't know that. I didn't know it.

Well, I do. They're really good.

- Great. - I used to give JT blow jobs.

I thought I loved him, but he only loved blow jobs.

You're a really nice person. You're... you're such a nice person.

- We don't have to get physical right now. - Oh, no, it's okay.

And I am such a freak sometimes.

Just pull your dick out.

No. No, it's fine. It's okay.

Just pull it out. We're good. We're good.

I really... I really think...

We're fine. It's okay.

Oh.

Got it. Okay. You're gay.

You are gay. Hmm.

- No. - Okay. Well...

- She called me gay. - Oh, my God. You're upset about that?

- Yes, I am. - Why?

That girl was served up to me on a silver platter.

Oh, please. When Tonya Harding walked in here,

you looked at her like she was born out of an egg. You were not interested.

Yeah, I didn't really like her, but...

Sometimes you got to lower your standards. You know?

No, I don't know. You think when I pull a man's pants down and I see a tiny penis,

that I'm like, "Ahh. This micro-dick will do?

Girl's gotta eat." Shit. Fuck that shit.

I... I haven't been with a girl in basically forever.

- So? - So? What does that make me?

It makes you a dude who hasn't had his bird wet in a while. That don't mean shit.

I'm 23, and I feel like I'm 15.

I'm broke. I don't have the job I want. I don't have a girl.

I just... I feel like I'm waiting for life to start for me.

Let me tell you something. You wanna be a man?

You wanna scratch the surface of life?

Stop moping. Because that's not what men do.

Life will start for you when you start it for yourself.

Sit up.

Okay, today we're gonna talk about sexually transmitted diseases.

Can anybody name one? Yes.

- The clap. - The clap. Right.

The clap is slang for gonorrhea.

- Any others? - Crabs.

Crabs. Right. Crabs is slang for pubic lice.

- All right. Anybody else? - The green drip.

Green drip. I think you're talking about chlamydia.

Cool. More.

I think that is every S.T.D.

I think we got 'em, Fish.

So abstinence... not having sex at all,

is the only way to completely prevent the transmission of these diseases,

but if you do become sexually active, wearing a condom can help reduce your risk.

Man, that's like wearing a raincoat in the shower.

- [SNICKERS] - Watch it, Leon.

My brother says that condoms are for people who are afraid to ride dirty.

Okay. Well, right now these are just names on the board.

Let's put a face to these diseases.

Using condoms can keep this kind of stuff from happening to you.

I'm not a rawdogger. I don't wanna be.

So, who wants to learn how to put on a condom?

That's what I thought.

Everybody come up here and grab a banana or a cucumber and a couple condoms.

If I wanna go out with a girl,

how many dates do I need to take her out on before we have sex?

You're pretty young to be having sex.

You can probably wait a few years, and that's okay.

No, but I wanna have sex.

I understand. A lot of people do, but...

I mean, there's just... there's really no rush.

I've been dating this girl, Margarita, for a while,

and so far all I've gotten are hand jobs.

Well, that's pretty advanced for someone your age.

I hate hand jobs. They're so rough.

Look, the bottom line is that you shouldn't rush it.

It will happen when the time is right.

Dude, I watch this stuff on the Internet,

and it's like these guys just start banging right away.

- What are you watching on the Internet? - The one with the van. It's called Bangbus.

- These two guys go around and... - Tito, that kind of stuff isn't real.

Girls just aren't gonna jump in a van and have sex with you.

But it seems pretty real.

They go to places like the mall. They look just like the mall.

Hey, let's talk about this later.

Hey.

So, you know, you're officially Tito's favorite teacher.

- What? - Pilar, come on.

Yeah, it's true. He can't stop talking about you at home.

He says you're the best teacher he ever had.

Wow. Thanks.

You should come to our house for dinner tonight.

Our mom wants to meet you.

Cool. Yeah, I'd like that.

- Hey. - Come on in, Mr. Cole.

- ## [SPEAKERS: SALSA] - Hello! You are Tito's teacher, yes?

- That's right. Yes. Oh. Hi. - Welcome.

- Oh! - I brought some of this.

Some rum. Let's have some rum for the teacher.

Sure.

Hey, what are you doing? You don't get rum.

[WHISPERING] He's the man of the house and he knows it.

I say to him, "Honey, you don't even know what it means to be a man."

Now, maybe he has a little mustache, but he's still a little boy.

You're right. Yeah, you should listen to your mom.

Having a mustache doesn't mean you got it all figured out.

That's right. Salud.

- Hey, where's Hector? - He's running a little late. He'll be here.

- Hector's your boyfriend? - Yeah. You'll like him.

Cool.

Since Hector is late, I need you to help me with dinner.

Sure. Yeah. What can I do?

I need you to stand right there.

I need you to take the spices...

and rub into the pig.

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Rub it hard, Mr. Eddie. All over the butt.

Inside. Go... yeah, go all the way in.

Get right in there so it's tasty.

Like this?

Lighten up. Have a drink.

Just a little piggy.

- [DOOR OPENS] - HECTOR: ¡Oye! ¿Qué está pasando?

- PILAR: Hi, sweetheart. - HECTOR: Hey.

- MOTHER: We're giving dinner for you tonight. - HECTOR: Sí. Huele bueno.

- ¿Quieres rum? - Pues, claro. Dale.

- Hey, baby. - Hi.

Oh. This is Eddie, Tito's favorite teacher.

Oh, yeah. The teacher.

Now a drink. Salud.

- Salud. - [LAUGHS]

- Nice to meet you. - And you.

Officially.

- So, what do you do? - I'm actually a deejay.

- Oh, cool. - Yeah.

You do a little of this when you deejay?

- [LAUGHING] No. Not like that. - Oh, your technique is better than mine?

You have to be more casual. You're putting too much effort into it.

It's way too white guy right now.

I am a white guy. I'm just doing the fist pump of my people.

I guess I'm being too racist, huh?

I do wish you were a little bit more open to my culture.

I'm sorry. I'll be more sensitive.

- So, what kind of stuff do you play? - I play, like, uh, reggaeton.

- I actually don't know what that is. - It's like Latino hip-hop. You know?

- So, where do you deejay? - Um, clubs around here mostly.

But I do a couple of shows in Miami every year.

It's so much fun. You should totally come out.

Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that.

MOTHER: Pilar, I need some help in the kitchen.

Right.

Hey! Eddie! Oye...

- Have a drink with me? Huh? - Yeah, all right.

Okay. Yeah.

Prepárate. Okay. Vámonos.

Uno, dos, tres,

- cuatro. - Hmm.

Dale.

I was at the gym earlier lifting weights.

- That's why I was late. - Oh, yeah? Yeah, you got a nice physique.

- Yeah, you work out? - Yeah, I do actually.

I like... I like to use the ergometer.

- Oh... the what? - The rowing machine. The erg.

Oh. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I never heard of it.

So, uh... listen, you, uh... always come to your students' homes for dinner?

No, this is actually my first time.

Hmm. Yeah.

I don't know, man, you know. It seems... it seems a little weird.

Well, Pilar invited me, and I figured it would be cool.

Oh. Pilar invited you.

Mm-hmm. 'Cause I'm Tito's favorite teacher, so...

That's interesting.

Maybe next time don't come for dinner.

Maybe next time say you're busy.

- ¿Oiste? - Yeah. Sorry.

Man, you don't know anything.

Have another one with me. Have another one with me.

- [CHUCKLES] - [COUGHS]

- You good? - Yeah.

[CHATTERING IN SPANISH]

- TITO: It came out so good tonight, Mom. - MOTHER: Thank you.

[CHATTERING IN SPANISH]

Try one.

He's not gonna do that. That's gross.

Eddie, I... Don't. I wouldn't.

- Is it good? - Nah, man, it's disgusting.

- Why eat it then? - Because, papi, I eat what I want.

You know what?

I eat what I want too. Papi.

Yeah, man! I didn't actually think that he would eat it.

TITO: He did eat it.

- Are you okay? Are you okay? - Be a man. Come on. Yeah. Yeah.

[ALL EXCLAIMING]

Shit!

- [VOMITS] - [SPEAKING SPANISH]

Listen, sweetie.

It ain't over.

- I have to disagree with you there. - I puked on a man before.

- Puked right on the dick. - Really?

Oh, yeah. Shit was salty. Made me gag.

- Wow. - You know what I did?

What?

I said, "Man, go wash your dick off and let's do this."

You didn't let it stop you for a second.

It stopped me for a second because I wanted him to wash his shit off,

but it didn't stop me. Two tears in a bucket. Fuck it.

This is living. You should be so lucky that you're out there falling in love with women,

puking your guts out for 'em and on 'em.

That's true. It's courageous.

Would you wanna be with a woman that you wouldn't drink half a handle of rum

and eat an eyeball for?

I appreciate this. I really do. But she has a boyfriend.

Man, fuck a boyfriend. It always starts before it stops.

I know. And she's... she's beautiful.

But to her, I'm just her brother's dorky teacher.

But you'll never know if you don't go after it. And a man can't live that way.

You know, wondering what life might be like.

You got to be mad for something. Be crazy for it.

You got to wash the puke off that dick and get into it.

Guys, this is JT and Ally. They're gonna help us with our lesson today.

I like your hair, baby. You look spicy.

Leon, remember, we're trying to be more respectful.

I'm just saying, baby, I like your spice. [SNIFFS]

I can get involved with your business.

- Cool it, you little shit. - STUDENTS: Ooh!

EDDIE: Okay, okay, let's all calm down.

JT and Ally are gonna help us learn how to respectfully

communicate with the opposite sex.

I like JT. He looks strong.

- Show me your muscles. - Oh! [GRUNTS]

Abs, abs, abs, abs, abs, abs, abs,

abs, abs!

- This is no place for abs. - Sorry.

EDDIE: Thank you. Alright, we're gonna pair off. Who wants to go first?

Do you wanna come over and watch a movie?

Shelly, it sounds like you're trying to booty-call me. Is that what you really want?

I like your shoes. They're fly.

Make fun of me a little bit. Don't just tell me how great I am.

Girl, I like your skin.

- Whoa. What is this, Silence of the Lambs? - [SHUSHING]

If someone sends me a snapshot of his dick, do I have to send back a picture of my "V"?

Whoa. What?

- You're sexy. - [SCATTERED LAUGHTER]

Well, not only was that not creative,

but you gave off kind of a rapey vibe. Is that what you're trying to throw out there?

Those shoes are whack. Your mom get them for you at the mall?

STUDENTS: Ooh!

Great. Great work. I love what you did there.

Right now I think I'm just gonna try and bang as many chicks as possible.

Yeah, that's not a good idea.

I just don't think you should be Snapchatting with anybody

- who sends you pictures of their dick. - But I really like him.

No, you don't like him. You don't like the guy that sends dick pics.

- You say no more dick pics. - Girls need to stick together.

Don't let boys come between you.

The only thing that they have that you don't have is a penis,

- and a penis is no reason to be sad. - I don't know if you've masturbated yet.

Honestly, we don't have to talk about it, but my advice to you...

Rub one out before any major decision involving the opposite sex.

I wanna light some candles and play R. Kelly...

- and just get emotional with you. - [STUDENTS LAUGHING]

Oh, my goodness.

He says three dates means he gets a blow job.

STUDENTS: Ooh.

- That's not accurate. - That's what he said.

You say no jobs. There's no jobs. There's no jobs in this area.

It's a jobless... It's a job-free zone. That's what you tell him. No jobs.

Good God, man.

Wow. These kids really do need you.

Man, they are operating on a whole different sexual level.

I know, man. This Snapchat thing...

Just... dicks, man. Everybody's got a dick on their phone.

You guys wanna go get a drink?

[SIGHS]

- I think I just need to be alone right now. - [CHUCKLES]

Ah. [CHUCKLING] Never too good at that.

Hi.

Hey, Pilar.

I'm really sorry about the whole thing the other night.

[LAUGHING] It's all right. After we cleaned up all the vomit, it was kind of funny.

Yeah, I've never seen someone throw up on my mom, so it was kind of awesome.

Yeah, a little too much rum for me, I think.

- How's Hector? - He's a dickhead.

Tito, will you give us a sec?

He's all right. We're taking a break, actually.

He was being a little possessive.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Hey, what are you doing Thursday night?

There's this really cool bar underneath my apartment.

They do this Afro-Cuban jazz thing on Thursdays. I don't know if you'd want to come.

Sounds great.

All right. It's a date then.

- Yeah. - I mean, like, it's a drink.

Like an appointment. Like it's in the books.

- [LAUGHS] - But I'll pay for the tab though, so...

It's a date then.

Yeah.

- [THUNDER RUMBLING] - [RAIN PATTERING]

Got drunk with the wife last night and watched Modern Family.

- Oh, that sounds nice. - Love the gay guys on that show.

- So fucking awesome. - They're really funny.

Yeah, but you always wonder, which one's the top and which one's the bottom.

Yeah, they don't really get into that on the show.

'Cause Cam... he's such a bitch, you know, so you figure,

"Oh. He'd probably be the bottom." But he's the big one,

and isn't the big one always on top?

- 'Cause of the whole domination thing? - I've never really thought about it.

Yeah. Me neither. It's a mysterious world, the whole gay-man thing.

- Yeah, it is. - But let's face it.

They kind of got it made in the shade. You know?

I mean, any night of the week, they can get laid.

Just go to some club that's filled with hot dudes,

I mean, like good-looking, ripped, totally, like, muscle guys,

and they can just bone down.

- They have an app for that, actually. - Imagine if we had that app.

It would be... it would be a lot easier. [CHUCKLES]

Yeah. Although slow down. I mean, we're making some major generalizations here.

I mean, it's not like all gay men are sluts.

I know some... I know a lot, actually, that are in very committed relationships.

Really serious, you know? True commitment.

- That's nice. - Yeah.

Love... love doesn't care about gender.

No.

Well, I'd love to talk about Modern Family all day,

- but you know why you're here? - Just a progress report? Little checkup?

No, man.

- You really shat on the wrong chest. - I'm sorry?

Reverend Hamilton was in here the other day.

- [GROANS] - He's really pissed.

You're handing out condoms in your class? What are you teaching?

Just... general adolescent health issues.

You mean sex ed.

Well, yeah.

Eddie, we don't teach sex ed in this district. That's a hot issue.

Reverend Hamilton petitioned it.

Keep it up and he'll pull your program, and you... you'll be out a job.

These kids need to learn about their bodies.

Half of them are already experimenting sexually.

Look, Eddie, truth be told, I don't give a shit what you're teaching in your class.

Alright?

Hamilton runs a recovery meeting on Wednesdays at the school gym.

I suggest you go talk to him and make your case.

Okay, I'll do that.

[CHATTERING, FAINT]

Wow. Big class today.

We told them you were explaining stuff about sex.

Oh. Well, unfortunately, we can't do that today.

But I do have some brain teasers, so we're gonna do some of that.

Not you, Leon.

- I'm just grabbin' a pen. - Come on. I can see you.

[SIGHS]

Hey, Tito, could I talk to you outside for a second?

Okay.

[SIGHS]

So, um...

Your sister and I are gonna go out on date.

- Would that be okay with you? - Really? What are you guys gonna do?

I don't know. I'm still figuring that out.

Question: Do you get a boner when you see my sister?

Or do you have a boner now 'cause you're thinking about her?

- No. - Really?

- Yeah. No boner right now. - See, with me it's like right away.

All I have to do is think about Margarita, and boom.

Well, I think that's 'cause you're going through puberty right now. So...

I hope so man. Sometimes I'm like a walking boner. You know?

It's why I can't wear sweatpants anymore.

- So... - Isn't it weird though?

As soon as I turned 10,

I was like, why does everybody stop wearing sweatpants in middle school?

- And now I know why. - Very true. So, you're okay with this?

Yeah, totally, man.

Cool. All right, thanks. Um, let's get back to work.

HAMILTON: Remember, one day at a time.

[EXHALES]

- Reverend Hamilton. - Mr. Cole.

- I recently washed it. - [CHUCKLES] What can I do for you?

I was hoping that we could discuss my after-school program.

See, here's the issue, Mr. Cole.

I don't think that sex or anything relating to it should be taught in school.

- I understand why you feel that way... - I don't think you do.

Because I'm not just some Bible thumper.

I don't think there's anything wrong with sex. Sex is a beautiful thing. I love sex.

I make love to my wife with great frequency. [LAUGH]

That's great that you have that in your marriage.

But sex is love, and love is God.

And teaching sex without God is wrong because you're teaching a formula...

a mechanical exchange of fluids, and if those children see that as such,

they're gonna do it, early and often.

Maybe you could come and observe a class, 'cause I think once you saw it in action,

you'd see that we approach it with the respect

and the sensitivity that it deserves.

All right, Mr. Cole. I'll give you that chance.

Great. Thank you.

- Mmm! - All right, he's in. Flip 'em.

- Full fucking house! - Son of a bitch.

[LAUGHING]

TOGETHER: Hey!

- Hey, how's the new place? - Dude.

Did you christen the bed yet?

I got a date with her, man. It's fuckin' happening.

What? Are your parents gonna drive you to the mall?

Maybe on a second date you can finger her in the movie theater.

I'm not in a rush, man. I really like this girl.

- I like your style, Ed. - Thank you.

No, I do. I think it's a noble way to look at the situation.

- Oh, here we go again. - Blow it out your ass. This is important.

Check it out. When I'm laying in bed with my wife, right,

and she's sleeping and I'm watching her

and the minute that she opens her eyes...

And you sit on her face. Good morning, Vietnam!

JT, I'm trying to have a conversation here.

Stop.

What I'm trying to say is, the minute that she opens her eyes...

- it's true love. - [SNICKERS]

And we get to fall in love over and over again with each passing day.

Jimmy, show him the picture.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - [BOTH CHUCKLING]

Take a good, long look at that right there. That's natural.

- Motherhood is a beautiful thing. - Isn't it?

- Oh, let me see that. - You've seen this.

- Holy... that's your wife? - Easy.

Are those real?

That's the mother of my child, you asshole. We can take care of this right now.

Calm down. You show her tits to everyone in town so I can't say I blame the guy.

- That's true. - Eddie? My office.

Let me tell you something.

Your problem is that you think love and super-hot nasty sex are mutually exclusive.

I love Ally, I do, but that does not stop me

from getting a hard-on and boning that girl like a dime-store hooker.

I know, man. I get it. I'm just playing this one my way.

Dude, fuck your way.

Your way is dropping $120 on prom night

and ending up with yet another case of blue balls.

The time has come.

The time has come to turn those balls from a purplish navy to a pale pink.

I get it, man. I do. I want it. I just want it to be special.

And it will be special...

if you have these.

- What are these? - The shit, my friend.

I had to order a whole crate of 'em to get 'em.

They're from Canada.

They make you bigger, they make you last longer, and more importantly,

they make you come like a fucking donkey.

Fuckin' Canadians, man.

Take one of these bad boys. Without 'em you'll probably last like 15 seconds.

And you want it to be special, right?

- Yeah. - Great.

And when you blast like eight fuckin' ropes,

it's gonna be extra special.

Okay, guys, so yesterday you wrote down your questions,

and today we're gonna read 'em together and I'm gonna answer them.

And remember, there's nothing to be embarrassed about.

There's no such thing as a stupid question here.

So, Shelly, why don't you pick one off the top and read it out loud.

I don't want to say this question. It's gross.

Okay, I'll read it. I'll decide whether or not it's gross.

"Can a boy pee in a girl's vagina when they're having sex?"

Yeah, I know it's funny, but it's actually a good question.

When a man has an erection,

the part of the urethra that connects to the bladder gets pinched off.

So it's actually impossible for a man to do that.

So, there you go.

Um, Leon.

Why don't you do the next one. Shelly, pass the box back to Leon.

I don't think I should say this question.

Leon, it's a science class. There's no wrong questions here.

[SIGHS]

Okay. The question is, "What's a squirter?"

[STUDENTS LAUGH]

Okay. Okay. Um...

That is a, uh, slang term...

for when a female...

ejaculates during orgasm,

which we talked about, so good question, basically.

Uh, next.

Can you get pregnant the first time you have sex?

Yes, you can. If you are sexually mature, you can get pregnant. Next.

Is there such a thing as blue balls?

- Can double penetration get you pregnant? - [STUDENTS LAUGH]

This is inappropriate.

Not a scientific question. Not answering those.

"Can a minivan be a bang bus or does it have to be full-sized van?"

- Science. We want science questions. - What does a vagina taste like?

- Tito, that's not scientific. - Can a she-male have sex with itself?

- Come on. - I'm sorry, Reverend.

- Does a tea bag feel good? - [SCOFFS]

- Really? - Does a tea bag taste good?

- Oh, this is ridiculous. - Reverend.

Reverend, wait. Reverend!

Reverend Hamilton. Wait.

This class is a joke,

and you, sir, are a joke of a teacher.

I will not support a question-and-answer session by students...

my son included... on oral sex.

These are their questions. They need answers.

If I don't give them the facts, who will? You?

You're indulging these children, Mr. Cole.

You're encouraging their worst instincts.

You had your chance. All you've done is show me that this cannot continue.

Does semen taste like Chinese food?

[STUDENTS LAUGHING]

Don't act like you don't know.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

I need a condom. My girlfriend wants to do it. She's ready.

Tito, you're too young to have sex.

I think I'm gonna start missionary to look into her eyes and all that.

But then it's all doggy style. I'm gonna line that shit up.

Stop it. You gotta promise me you're not going to do this.

- Why? - 'Cause you're not ready.

There's real emotions involved. It's a real...

Then what's all your class about then?

It's about teaching you so that when you are ready, you'll be safe,

and that you'll have respect for it.

- That's bullshit. - I'm sorry you feel that way.

I'm still gonna do it, so are you gonna give me the condom or not?

[LATIN BALLAD]

Ahí está la rosa

Demasiado bonita

Para tocarla

Muy frágil para sostenerla...

You have really pretty eyes.

What color are they?

They're blue, but they have a little green and yellow.

Nice.

Are you okay?

I'm sorry. I... I've had a really rough day.

- They're thinking of canceling my class. - What? Why?

I've been teaching sex ed 'cause I... I think they need to know it,

and... I gave out condoms in class...

and this one parent got really mad at me.

I can see why.

And I'm worried about your brother.

Why are you worried about my brother?

I think that he might try and have sex tonight.

- [SCOFFS] Are you serious? - Yeah.

How would you even know he's gonna have sex?

'Cause he told me, and he asked me for a condom.

- And you gave it to him? - Yeah. What was I supposed to do?

I don't know. Maybe tell me, his sister, so I could stop him.

And why are you giving out condoms to your students? That's really weird.

If he asks me and then I tell on him, then the next time maybe he won't ask,

and then he may try and have sex without a condom.

Basta. Whatever. We need to go back to my house now.

He's probably there with her alone. My mom is out tonight.

- PILAR: Tito! - Hey, guys.

- What are you doing? - We were just watching The Notebook.

Oh, bullshit. Margarita, you need to leave.

- Eddie, you should leave too. - Are you sure? I can stay.

- You've done enough already. - What? What do you mean?

This is your fault. You gave him a condom and taught him how to use it.

If I hadn't given him a condom, he might have tried to have sex without one.

- Dude, I could have pulled out. - No, man, you can't do that.

- It doesn't work. - Sometimes pulling out works.

No... what? No, it doesn't work!

- This is why we need sex ed. - Eddie.

I want you to leave.

Really?

Yes.

All right.

[HORN HONKS]

Yo! Where you goin', son?

So you think it's cool to go out with another guy's girl, huh?

Hey, she's a grown woman. She can do what she wants.

Shut the fuck up. Who do you think you are?

I'm a grown man. I can do what I want.

I don't think so. Tonight you're gonna get fucked.

- Who's gonna fuck me? - I am. I'm gonna fuck you up.

- [THUDDING] - [EDDIE GROANING]

[SIREN BLARING]

[GROANING]

- [COUGHS] - [SOUL INTRO]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

You want some company tonight?

Yeah, fuck it.

Yeah.

[DOGS BARKING]

Got a headache.

Oh, no. The...

That's all right. Never mind.

So, why don't you tell me how you want it?

Normal, I guess. Um...

The... the standard.

How about I suck your big cock first?

- Yeah. Okay. Let me put on a condom. - A condom?

Yeah. Don't you know how easy it is to get an S.T.D. from oral sex?

- No. I had no idea. - Especially syphilis.

15% of syphilis transmissions happen through... Oh, my God! What is that?

- [SIREN BLARES] - EDDIE: Oh, shit.

WOMAN: Not again.

EDDIE: Oh, God.

[POLICE RADIO CHATTER]

- Now you owe me an extra hundred. - That doesn't seem fair.

So, you get beat up, so you decide to fuck a prostitute?

Yeah. Except I didn't fuck her 'cause it wasn't a her.

It was a he, a guy... the hooker.

Oh. Well, I retract my earlier advice

about you needing to lower your standards. You now need to raise your standards.

I didn't know it was a guy. He was dressed like a girl, a really pretty girl.

Couldn't you just tell?

His hands were kind of rough.

What did you do with his hands?

Fuckin' hell.

D... You still got a boner, man.

- You could hold up a bank with that thing. - I took those load pills.

You took the load pills for a hooker? What happened to what's-her-name?

The date was a disaster.

We ended up tracking down her little brother to cock-block him.

And then she kicked me out because I gave him condoms.

That is a weird date.

I'm a virgin, JT.

I know.

Come on, nobody believes you screwed that Canadian girl at camp.

You were too afraid to talk to her.

There was a lot of tension. Something could have happened.

Listen, Eddie, it'll happen.

Everybody gets laid.

Your class is canceled until I can hire somebody new.

These kids need this.

I like you, Eddie. I really do. But you shat the bed on this one.

They're middle school students having sex as we speak.

- Not right now, but... - I know, Eddie.

I know they're out there fuckin'...

but you're done.

Sorry. There's nothing I can do about it.

You here for a bagel?

No, baby, I'm here for you. Talk to me.

What's goin' on? Where you been?

Well...

a few nights ago I got the shit kicked out of me,

and then I paid $70 to almost fuck a dude.

A dude. With a dick. And then I got fired.

Hot damn.

Do I have a faraway look in my eyes? Like something's haunting me?

You look like you've seen terrible things.

I need to have had sex just once...

just to get that confidence.

Fool, you gotta stop looking at life as a series of checklist items.

Stop thinking about whether or not you've had sex

and start thinking about what you need to do to become the man you want to be.

The man you wanna be isn't just someone who fucked a woman.

It's someone who knows what he wants and goes after it.

Ask yourself, "Who's the man I wanna be?"

- Is he a bagel man? - No. He's a teacher.

You're damn straight he is.

- Does he want to eat a butt? - No. No, he does not.

But he could if he wanted to, because he knows what he wants.

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

Hey.

I just wanted to come by and apologize.

Okay.

So... I'm sorry.

Fine.

I don't know what I'm doing. I really don't.

I'm just trying to do the right thing.

I get it.

I like you.

I really do.

[CHUCKLES] We hardly know each other, and you're Tito's teacher.

Yeah, but I wanna live in a world where this can happen,

where a guy can pursue a woman with grand gestures.

That's really sweet.

So here's my grand gesture.

What is that?

- It's an oboe. - Oh.

It's a woodwind.

[SOUR NOTES]

It's not really meant to be played unaccompanied.

It's okay. Um, it was beautiful.

Let's do something right now.

Why don't you show me someplace you love in the city.

Okay.

Are there any alligators in this river?

[LAUGHS] Come on.

I just need to know if I'm gonna have to protect you.

- Are you a big alligator wrestler? - Mm-hmm. Yeah. Can't you tell?

These big muscles.

Come on. I wanna show you my favorite spot.

[GULLS SQUAWKING]

- Where'd you grow up? - Sarasota.

- Do you miss it? - It's still kind of close. I can go back.

I mean high school.

- Not really. - I do. Had a bunch of friends.

I'm still friends with all of them.

I mean, they didn't, like, shove me into lockers or anything.

- I wasn't that kid, but... - [LAUGHING] I bet you were a huge nerd.

Yeah. I was a nerd, and it was awesome.

I want to take you out tonight to my favorite club.

I'm not really a big club guy.

Come on. You'll like it.

Don't you want to see what you've been missing out with all the cool kids?

Sure.

Okay.

[R & B, FAINT]

Bobby!

Mwah. Look at you. Turn around. Hot damn, girl. [LAUGHING]

- BOBBY: What's up? - Um, it's just the two of us. Is that cool?

[GROANS]

Look, you're good. It's kind of crazy in there right now so, uh, no dudes.

We can just go to the bar by my apartment.

Is it okay if I just go in and say hi to some friends?

I'll be quick.

[BOBBY LAUGHS]

- She ain't coming back, man. - What?

Yeah, I've seen this a hundred times before, man. Club's got her now.

Dude, we're on a date. We just made out.

Oh, you just made out? You just on a date? [LAUGHS]

You hear that music, man?

I'm telling you, when that music gets in your system like it's getting in her system...

Oh, my God, she is feeling it in every part of her body, man.

It's the music. It's not her.

Champagne, jewels, caviar, fur coats... People just wearing fur coats for no reason.

There's some Stephen Hawking shit going on in there, man. It's like a wormhole.

The pull of the dance floor... she can't help herself.

Sex. Can't forget about sex. Okay? I'm mad 'cause I'm feeling it now, okay?

I would rather be in there, but I'm outside with you right now.

So here's what I need you... here's what I need you to do for me, okay?

I need you to go home... and this is your best bet.

Just go home, have a quick beat-off, fall asleep, man.

I'll be right back.

Look who it is, out with my girlfriend.

- I don't want any trouble, man. - Yeah? Well, you got trouble.

Man, fuck off!

Am I gonna have to kick your ass again, you little fuckin' pussy? [GROANS]

[SIREN BLARES]

BOBBY: I was just trying to keep the peace. That's what I was doing.

I didn't have nothing to do with all this, 'cause this is my operation.

The white dude, man, he came from out of nowhere, man, like a hurricane,

Just chopping people, tearing people.

Like, he tore someone. He fish-hooked the motherfucker. The "Hispanish" dude.

If you don't know what that is, it's when you take your hand like such

and you rip it like a fish. So if you ask me, he won the fight for sure, man.

Yeah, right, he won the fight due to a fishhook maneuver.

Dude, I don't think I can get you off again, man.

Man, I am pulling all kind of favors with my buddies in police, but,

two times in two weeks, that is a lot.

Well, I say congratulations. It sounds like you're finally living.

I don't have a job and I probably have an arrest record, and Pilar ditched me.

I'll tell you what, honey. Forget the woman. You need to go and get your job back.

- He can't. This Reverend Hamilton guy. - Oh, my God.

How is it I'm the only one in this group who has some fucking balls?

You're right. Those kids need me.

Without you, they're gonna learn about sex from the Internet,

and the Internet is a dark place. Lemonparty?

- Yeah, that's disgusting. - Bukkake? I mean...

The whole concept of bukkake.

Girls are gonna think it's cool for a bunch of weird guys in business suits

- to just jerk off on their faces. - Ew.

I don't think I need to tell you guys that shit's inappropriate.

I'm gonna talk to Hamilton after school tomorrow.

He's got an A.A meeting that he leads there.

I am right there with you, man.

I think I gotta do this one myself.

[MAN SINGING IN SPANISH]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Just take a seat up there.

- What are you doing here? - My name's Eddie Cole.

ALL: Hi, Eddie!

- I'd like to share. - This is a private meeting, Mr. Cole.

I need to share. I'm gonna share, okay?

How many parents we got in here?

Just answer me one question, and then I'll go.

How many of you have discussed sex with your children?

Please raise your hands.

Where do you think kids learn about sex if not from you, their parents,

or me, their teacher?

They learn about it from each other or from things they've seen in movies

or on the Internet, with pornography.

They see images of men doing strange and mean things to women.

Sometimes like four or five guys and just one girl,

doing things that are uncomfortable,

doing things that might cause some sort of injury.

Girls learn that they should expect men to treat them badly.

The truth is, maybe I'm not the right person to be teaching this class.

I don't have the teaching experience.

I don't even have the sexual experience.

I'm actually a virgin.

So that's kind of nuts that I'm teaching sex ed.

But this class is important.

It's the most important thing that we can teach these kids.

Mr. Cole is really important to us because he tells us straight about sex.

Yeah, I used to think it was normal and easy to meet women to have sex with you

- if you had a big van. - I tried it, man. It's not.

Now we know. Now we know that sex like that just isn't normal.

And it's not even, like, a good idea.

I mean, if you just go around having sex with everybody, you're gonna get a disease.

And if you do that, you can get coot checkers on your labia majora.

What we're trying to say is, there are things about having sex and being a grown-up

that are too weird to talk to your dad about.

I love you, Dad, but I can't ask you about butt sex.

I just can't, but I can ask Mr. Cole, and I know he'll give me a real answer.

That if two adults mutually agree that they wanna do anal, they can do it,

provided they use sufficient lubrication and condoms.

How am I supposed to have that conversation with my dad, the reverend?

We need Mr. Cole. He's a virgin.

And his class makes me realize, maybe it's okay if I'm one too.

Excuse me, Mr. Cole.

I'll catch up with you in a second. Hey, thanks for your support in there.

I really... support you.

[ZIPPER UNZIPS]

Just let me know if there's anything else I can do to support you.

Any time.

[LEON LAUGHING]

Hey.

[KNOCKING]

- Hey, you. - Hey.

Congratulations.

- Tito told me about what happened. - Yeah, thanks.

He also told me what you said in the classroom about you not having sex.

Is that true?

It is. Uh, I'm sorry. I know that's kind of weird.

Stop.

What's goin' on?

What do you think?

- I... - [KNOCKING]

JT: Yo! We're all waiting for you down at The Hub.

- One second, man. I'll be right down. - Come on!

Hey, why don't we go down to the bar, celebrate with everybody

and then we can come back up?

Come here.

I wanna be your first.

- [POUNDING] - Dude, I'll be right down!

I don't need to do it right this second.

We don't need to do it just to do it.

Isn't that a good reason?

I'm not saying I don't want to do it with you.

Just maybe right now isn't the best time.

Why not?

Why don't we go down? We can listen to some music.

- You can meet my friends. We could dance. - Eddie, I really don't like that bar.

- What? Really? - Yeah, I'm not into it.

Okay, well...

Why don't we...

fuck right now...

and go to this club down the block after?

You know, last time we went to a club, I kind of got stuck outside.

I know. I know, but it'll be different this time. I promise.

- Yeah, but... - Eddie, I'm trying to make you cooler.

I'm not that uncool.

I know. I just... I...

Fuck it.

I don't get you. I really don't.

You can stay a virgin.

I guess I think that's okay.

Fine.

Fuck. Did I ruin that for you?

Feels like you need a little bit of bourbon, baby. On the rocks, splash of soda?

Yeah.

So, where's your lovely?

- She is lovely, isn't she? - She is.

I ended it.

- I don't know what's wrong with me. - It'll happen, Eddie.

You just have to be ready for it when it does, and then it'll be easy.

It'll all make perfect sense.

- I'll tell you what. - What's that?

You're a man now.

Manhood isn't all wanting a woman and not gettin' her.

It's having a woman and knowing you don't feel the madness.

Yeah.

Ain't no shame in it. More shame in living and no love.

You're right.

Thanks.

[BELL RINGS]

BOY: Oh, man! Seventh period, sex ed, Mr. Cole.

What's this honky motherfucker gonna teach me about sex?

Whoa, hold up. You got Mr. Cole for sex ed?

Son, Mr. Cole is for real.

He's the realest motherfucker that is.

[ROCK INTRO]

Hi. I'm the new student teacher from the American Teaching Corps.

Right. Welcome.

It's kind of funny because I'm actually Canadian.

Canadian?

So you came here to learn how to teach health and human development.

Yes. I think sex ed is really important.

Well, you came to the right fuckin' place.

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

We have kids coming to this class and you think you're gonna have to explain them

anatomical or sexual things, but they're more advanced than I am with certain things.

- 'Cause of what? - The Internet.

Just with obscure sexual positions.

I mean, I'd love to know what the kids know.

I think it's against the law to repeat something that a minor tells you sexually,

but now that I've done my Internet research to shore up my knowledge,

I feel like... I feel like I've aged 10 years.

When I was a young man, you would just hint to a girl like, "Oh, I got a big dick."

- You'd imply it? - Yeah. But that's it.

Pants were tighter back then. You could...

Yeah, that's what guys did. Or they would stuff, like, a shoe in there or tin foil.

- Definitely. - Or a narrow shoe.

A narrow shoe?

Otherwise it looks like you have a deformed thing.

- You don't want to scare 'em off. - Like a goiter or something.

There is a disorder. It's... Oh, shoot. I should know this for my job.

But where one of the components in the testicles

swells to such a size that you have to have it removed.

One of the components? Like the vas deferens?

It might be the vas or the Cowper's gland.

- That's the one I always pretend like I know. - I know that one.

It's like the prostate and the Cowper's adds...

- I would look, but my Google's down. - The books... we gotta get new textbooks.

- The books that I have are from 1983. - I know.

They're still calling AIDS GRID. There's also... it's embarrassing.

Okay.

They're still saying masturbation is wrong.

- Even monkeys masturbate. - They do. Bonobos.

- The apes. They use sex as... like trade. - Yeah? Yeah?

They'll trade sexual favors within their bonombo colonies.

Yeah. They'll prostitute out people to create peace between tribes.

- They will. - Yeah.

I wouldn't teach that in junior high. That seems like a...

- No. No. - ...higher-concept idea.

I'd like more primatology too.

It's almost like grooming. Like when they give cunnilingus to another ape.

- Grooming? Oh! Huh. - Yeah.

- That's fascinating. - Yeah.

- Speaking of grooming... - Mm-hmm?

- You ever get crabs? - I have not. This... interesting fact.

The crab is... or the pubic louse is endangered.

- Good! - Because of modern grooming habits.

Very few people have that...

In the videos that I found, you know, of sex education...

with, like, serious hair down there, that's not really the tendency these days.

- Yeah. - So the louse is going extinct.

- That's good. - Like smallpox. Have you gotten...

- I never got 'em. No. - Good.

I mean, I never looked, but I'm assuming you'd know.

I would probably feel something.