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1
00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,680
Yo, Theo, they all ready for you, bro.
2
00:00:12,763 --> 00:00:15,683
Awesome, how do I look? Smart?
3
00:00:16,016 --> 00:00:17,768
Appreciate the honesty.
4
00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:20,479
-Do it, huh?
-Go get 'em.
5
00:00:20,562 --> 00:00:27,569
[announcer] With no further ado,
ladies and gentlemen, Theo Von!
6
00:00:41,750 --> 00:00:44,545
New Orleans!
7
00:00:48,382 --> 00:00:51,510
Yes, indeed.
8
00:00:51,593 --> 00:00:54,388
How we doin', Crescent City?
9
00:00:54,471 --> 00:00:55,973
[applause]
10
00:00:58,934 --> 00:01:02,021
Good to be home, baby.
Good to be home!
11
00:01:02,103 --> 00:01:06,608
My buddy said, "Dang, you going down
to New Orleans to shoot your special?"
12
00:01:06,692 --> 00:01:08,402
I said, "Yeah!"
13
00:01:08,485 --> 00:01:12,072
He said, "What about that crime?"
I said, "Yeah."
14
00:01:12,155 --> 00:01:14,825
He said, "You might get murdered."
I said, "Yeah."
15
00:01:16,076 --> 00:01:18,746
"But where else you want
to get murdered, baby?"
16
00:01:19,830 --> 00:01:22,123
I don't wanna get gunned down
in Cleveland.
17
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:26,837
I don't wanna get gunned down in Seattle.
Murder me in New Orleans, baby!
18
00:01:26,921 --> 00:01:28,923
Right off the French Quarter,
19
00:01:29,048 --> 00:01:33,552
with a stripper on my arm
and a fried shrimp in my mouth!
20
00:01:36,304 --> 00:01:37,723
Good to be here, man.
21
00:01:37,806 --> 00:01:40,308
I love this city,
and it is dangerous as hell.
22
00:01:41,393 --> 00:01:45,439
Last time I was here,
I got bit by a black widow in March.
23
00:01:45,522 --> 00:01:47,441
She was in her 40s.
24
00:01:48,483 --> 00:01:51,152
At this bus stop, man.
Right off Canal, bro.
25
00:01:51,236 --> 00:01:53,363
Got me right in the neck, son.
26
00:01:53,447 --> 00:01:55,365
These bitches is accurate.
27
00:01:58,953 --> 00:02:02,330
Been a tough time, man.
Been a tough year... family stuff.
28
00:02:02,414 --> 00:02:03,749
You know, always, man.
29
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:07,962
My uncle just got busted for, uh, uh...
30
00:02:08,045 --> 00:02:09,838
[inhales]
31
00:02:10,171 --> 00:02:12,382
sucking really small dicks.
32
00:02:18,931 --> 00:02:20,348
Yeah, they got him.
33
00:02:21,934 --> 00:02:27,272
He was my favorite uncle, man.
He taught us how to masturbate, actually.
34
00:02:27,355 --> 00:02:29,149
He didn't touch us
or anything like that.
35
00:02:29,232 --> 00:02:32,736
He just stood up and jerked off
into the fire at this party.
36
00:02:35,656 --> 00:02:38,325
I wasn't gonna say anything.
It was his party.
37
00:02:39,994 --> 00:02:43,204
Sometimes you just got to sit there
and be a Christian.
38
00:02:47,417 --> 00:02:51,088
But in his defense, my uncle's had
a lot of issues in his life.
39
00:02:51,170 --> 00:02:53,841
He used to masturbate in his sleep.
40
00:02:53,924 --> 00:02:56,802
So... I'm not joking, man.
41
00:02:56,885 --> 00:03:00,472
So they made him wear these
jingle bells on his wrists.
42
00:03:03,767 --> 00:03:07,896
But some nights
you would hear him in the other room,
43
00:03:07,980 --> 00:03:09,940
dashing through the snow.
44
00:03:11,733 --> 00:03:15,112
You know what I'm saying,
jerking his own dick off.
45
00:03:16,655 --> 00:03:20,367
I'd make requests.
"Play 'Rudolph' Uncle Danny!"
46
00:03:20,450 --> 00:03:23,286
"Y'all go to bed!"
47
00:03:23,370 --> 00:03:27,041
You telling me this musical masturbator
doesn't take requests?
48
00:03:28,083 --> 00:03:30,544
What kinda family is this, bro?
49
00:03:30,627 --> 00:03:33,547
This family tree
got haters in the branches.
50
00:03:38,886 --> 00:03:41,596
Lot of child molesters out there?
51
00:03:41,680 --> 00:03:43,515
No offense if you're in the game.
52
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:49,521
And now, it's like a big deal, I feel
like, if you get molested, you know.
53
00:03:49,604 --> 00:03:53,650
There's Child Services, it gets
on the news, it gets on the Internet.
54
00:03:53,734 --> 00:03:56,486
Like, when I was young,
you just got molested.
55
00:03:57,654 --> 00:04:00,657
Remember that, bro?
Remember the '80s, dude?
56
00:04:00,741 --> 00:04:03,744
You just got molested!
57
00:04:04,745 --> 00:04:07,581
You got a milkshake and a ride somewhere.
58
00:04:07,664 --> 00:04:10,500
That was your end of the deal.
59
00:04:12,377 --> 00:04:16,215
When I was young, if you got molested,
you just got back on your bike
60
00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:20,177
and said, "Well, we ain't
coming around here anymore.
61
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:23,097
Nothing but dick around here."
62
00:04:25,724 --> 00:04:30,812
Look, if I got a dollar for every time
I got molested...
63
00:04:30,896 --> 00:04:35,483
I'd have like,
four dollars and 50 cents.
64
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:39,113
'Cause I got in this oral
pyramid scheme by the Denny's.
65
00:04:44,952 --> 00:04:48,663
Parents, you gotta be careful
when it comes to these kiddy-touchers.
66
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:52,375
You gotta be careful when it comes
to these kiddy-touchers.
67
00:04:53,293 --> 00:04:56,421
You can't be getting your son
all fixed up.
68
00:04:56,504 --> 00:04:58,757
You can't be getting your boys lisp fixed.
69
00:04:58,840 --> 00:05:02,385
Get his acne tightened up.
Get the pro-action on him.
70
00:05:02,469 --> 00:05:04,304
Get his limp fixed.
71
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:10,144
And then be shocked when he gets
picked by the kiddy-touchers!
72
00:05:10,227 --> 00:05:12,854
Fuck, you got him all G'd out.
73
00:05:14,106 --> 00:05:20,695
You know who ain't getting picked,
is little Ch-Ch-Charlie's ass, okay?
74
00:05:20,779 --> 00:05:23,364
Who still got his lisp,
who got his acne,
75
00:05:23,448 --> 00:05:27,661
who got a wrap his bad leg around his
good leg when he wanna go somewheres.
76
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:31,414
Nobody touchin'
little Ch-Ch-Charlie's ass.
77
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:35,335
You gotta think like the enemy.
78
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:41,049
Save your money, give it to your boy
in a lump sum when he's 18.
79
00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:45,262
Let himself G'd out
when he's out of the danger zone.
80
00:05:47,346 --> 00:05:48,974
Think about life.
81
00:05:53,687 --> 00:05:57,482
Good to be home, man, I was born
about eight blocks from here, bro.
82
00:05:57,565 --> 00:06:00,861
So it's nice, man.
I had an interesting family growing up.
83
00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:03,780
My father was 70 years old
when I was born, okay.
84
00:06:03,864 --> 00:06:06,741
True story. I'm not joking,
my dad was born in 1910.
85
00:06:06,825 --> 00:06:08,743
I was born in 1980.
86
00:06:08,827 --> 00:06:11,538
Which basically makes me
a stand-up comedian.
87
00:06:12,664 --> 00:06:15,292
It was kinda cool growin' up
with a dad in his 70's,
88
00:06:15,374 --> 00:06:18,461
because of the time we would spend.
Shortly after I was born,
89
00:06:18,545 --> 00:06:19,462
my dad had a stroke.
90
00:06:19,546 --> 00:06:22,341
So, we were both learnin' to walk
at the same time.
91
00:06:24,092 --> 00:06:27,595
We used to play games like catch or don't.
92
00:06:29,639 --> 00:06:34,936
And my favorite: "Is Dad sleeping,
or is he no longer with us?"
93
00:06:35,020 --> 00:06:38,232
"It's your turn to hold
the mirror under his nose."
94
00:06:38,315 --> 00:06:41,818
My mom used to make us hold a mirror
under his nose when he was taking a nap
95
00:06:41,902 --> 00:06:43,904
to see if it would fog up or not.
96
00:06:43,987 --> 00:06:45,488
I swear to God, not joking.
97
00:06:45,572 --> 00:06:49,492
And the kids at school would be like,
"Well, my dad could beat up your dad."
98
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:51,870
I'd be like, "No shit, man."
99
00:06:51,953 --> 00:06:55,498
Your dad has more organs than my dad...
100
00:06:55,582 --> 00:06:58,752
but my dad used to bang your grandmother.
101
00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:04,465
Back before they had protection,
when all you wore was hope.
102
00:07:05,884 --> 00:07:10,097
"You got any condoms?"
"No, but I got this here."
103
00:07:10,180 --> 00:07:12,515
That's that Alabama birth control, baby.
104
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:17,604
And it's crossin' state lines.
105
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:21,816
And my friends are like, "Theo, you
shouldn't make fun of your conception.
106
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:25,112
You should be happy you were born.
You were that lucky sperm."
107
00:07:25,195 --> 00:07:26,613
I'm like, "Lucky sperm?
108
00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:29,824
I shot out of a 70-year-old cannon, bro."
109
00:07:29,908 --> 00:07:32,327
I was the only sperm.
110
00:07:33,370 --> 00:07:37,416
I had to shut down the nuts.
I had to close all the windows,
111
00:07:37,498 --> 00:07:39,667
fuckin' sweep up.
112
00:07:43,380 --> 00:07:46,174
On the way out,
I passed a skeleton of a sperm
113
00:07:46,258 --> 00:07:49,970
wearing a "Vote for
Lyndon B. Johnson" button.
114
00:07:52,306 --> 00:07:55,600
That's not an orgasm.
That's musket fire.
115
00:07:56,476 --> 00:08:00,355
So when I say I'm happy
to be somewhere, I'm just happy to be.
116
00:08:00,439 --> 00:08:01,689
Anywhere.
117
00:08:02,565 --> 00:08:05,777
Except at Denny's. They a bunch
of child molesters over there.
118
00:08:07,737 --> 00:08:09,114
Y'all got Denny's here?
119
00:08:09,197 --> 00:08:10,615
-Yeah.
-Yeah!
120
00:08:10,698 --> 00:08:12,367
Fuck Denny's, bruh.
121
00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:14,494
Fuck Denny's, man.
122
00:08:14,577 --> 00:08:17,456
I wish people would quit
shootin' up movie theaters
123
00:08:17,538 --> 00:08:19,958
and shoot up a fuckin' Denny's, okay.
124
00:08:20,041 --> 00:08:22,210
'Cause if you get gunned up
at a Denny's,
125
00:08:22,294 --> 00:08:24,463
that's on you, playboy.
126
00:08:24,545 --> 00:08:29,176
Have some respect and take your family
to IHOP like a real man.
127
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:33,805
Denny's suck. Everything at Denny's
tastes like eggs and onions.
128
00:08:33,888 --> 00:08:35,223
Everything.
129
00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:37,558
The air, the pie,
130
00:08:37,642 --> 00:08:41,104
even the silverware if you
just run in there and lick 'em.
131
00:08:41,188 --> 00:08:42,981
That place is a shithole.
132
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:46,567
What do they clean the tables with?
Syrup?
133
00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:49,863
Like once you sit down,
you can't even get up.
134
00:08:49,946 --> 00:08:52,615
"Guess we're staying for lunch.
I'm trapped!"
135
00:08:53,950 --> 00:08:58,538
And all the waitresses look like shit
at every location.
136
00:08:58,621 --> 00:09:00,040
How do they do it?
137
00:09:02,042 --> 00:09:03,793
They even have a job application?
138
00:09:03,877 --> 00:09:08,589
Or they just have like a special mirror,
and if you look like shit...
139
00:09:08,673 --> 00:09:11,301
then you're on staff, Cynthia.
140
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:13,678
But you gotta wear a hat,
141
00:09:13,761 --> 00:09:17,098
'cause nothing looks better
than shit in a hat!
142
00:09:18,099 --> 00:09:20,643
"Put on your hat, shitty. Waffle up."
143
00:09:21,728 --> 00:09:24,689
Fuckin' hate Denny's, bro.
144
00:09:24,772 --> 00:09:27,484
And half the waitresses got whiskers.
145
00:09:28,609 --> 00:09:31,279
Would you shave your ladies, Denny?
146
00:09:31,363 --> 00:09:34,991
Shave your ladies before
you put them on the dance floor.
147
00:09:35,075 --> 00:09:36,743
Lady look like a damn cat.
148
00:09:36,826 --> 00:09:39,954
"Meow! Meow!
Meow-come to Denny's!
149
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,706
[cat sounds]
150
00:09:41,915 --> 00:09:43,666
Sorry for the bad service.
151
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:48,129
I just gave birth to a bunch of babies
in a cardboard box in the kitchen.
152
00:09:48,213 --> 00:09:50,965
And we's all out of milk."
153
00:09:51,049 --> 00:09:52,633
Fuckin' hate Denny's, bro.
154
00:09:52,717 --> 00:09:55,636
I hate Denny's,
and I keep going back there!
155
00:09:55,720 --> 00:09:57,805
I keep going back.
156
00:09:57,889 --> 00:10:01,642
This me every time I leave Denny's.
"Man, fuck this place, man."
157
00:10:01,726 --> 00:10:04,645
A week later,
"Yes, ma'am, table for one, please.
158
00:10:04,729 --> 00:10:06,856
By the window?
Yes, ma'am, thank you. Yeah.
159
00:10:06,940 --> 00:10:10,360
In case there's a drive-by,
I go down with this shithole.
160
00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:11,445
Thank you."
161
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:14,448
Fuckin' hate Denny's, man.
162
00:10:14,531 --> 00:10:17,825
Oh, I don't know why
it just makes me so mad.
163
00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:20,912
I gotta quit going, man.
I'm gonna quit.
164
00:10:20,995 --> 00:10:24,458
I used to go a lot 'cause
my ex-girlfriend lived by a Denny's,
165
00:10:24,541 --> 00:10:26,126
'cause she was a drug addict.
166
00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:27,294
And...
167
00:10:27,377 --> 00:10:29,921
and so, I used to go there
and use the shitters,
168
00:10:30,004 --> 00:10:32,299
'cause I didn't wanna use 'em
by her house.
169
00:10:32,382 --> 00:10:33,967
So I'd go use Denny's shitters.
170
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:36,177
But not anymore, man.
Fuck that, dude.
171
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:39,514
I'll shit outside, son,
like one of God's boys. Turn up.
172
00:10:45,812 --> 00:10:48,231
What else is going on, man?
173
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:51,234
Just been chasin' these hos, really.
174
00:10:51,318 --> 00:10:54,862
No offense, hos.
Just trying to meet a good lady.
175
00:10:54,946 --> 00:10:56,948
I see some of y'all got one.
Good on you.
176
00:10:57,031 --> 00:10:58,825
Some lovely ladies here tonight.
177
00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:02,120
It's tough, you gotta have money
these days to get a woman.
178
00:11:02,203 --> 00:11:03,871
And I don't blame you ladies.
179
00:11:03,955 --> 00:11:06,374
Who wants to fuck some poor guy?
180
00:11:06,458 --> 00:11:08,209
That's nasty.
181
00:11:09,377 --> 00:11:15,091
You get done banging,
you're just laying there all poor.
182
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:20,096
"Can I get you a towel that won't match
any of the other towels?
183
00:11:21,306 --> 00:11:23,183
What about some chips?
184
00:11:24,267 --> 00:11:26,520
Wanna split a bag of chips with daddy?
185
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:31,732
Some chips, baby. Wanna calorie up
after that bang, wildcat?"
186
00:11:33,485 --> 00:11:37,197
Gotta have money to get the ladies, man.
You gotta have nice shit.
187
00:11:37,280 --> 00:11:40,450
I don't have nice shit.
I got the other shit.
188
00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,243
I don't have a nice apartment.
189
00:11:42,327 --> 00:11:46,914
This is how I cheat, I put all my
nicest stuff right by the door, right?
190
00:11:46,998 --> 00:11:49,209
So it looks nice when you come in.
191
00:11:49,292 --> 00:11:52,462
"Yeah, just step over that new toaster!
192
00:11:52,546 --> 00:11:53,796
Nice!
193
00:11:54,881 --> 00:11:58,468
Just set your purse
by that Sopranos box set.
194
00:11:58,552 --> 00:12:00,136
Haters welcome."
195
00:12:01,804 --> 00:12:04,098
-[audience member] Yep!
-I don't have a nice car.
196
00:12:04,182 --> 00:12:07,519
I have that car where you act like you
don't remember where you parked,
197
00:12:07,602 --> 00:12:09,896
but you're standing
right next to your car.
198
00:12:09,979 --> 00:12:14,192
And when nobody's looking,
you fuckin' get in and you escape.
199
00:12:14,275 --> 00:12:17,070
It looks like you're stealing
your own car.
200
00:12:18,821 --> 00:12:21,366
You tell your friends it's a rental.
201
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:24,994
They're like, "They're renting
'97 Accords to people?"
202
00:12:27,247 --> 00:12:31,418
Like, "Yeah, I'm just driving
it for charity, actually, yeah.
203
00:12:31,501 --> 00:12:35,338
Yeah, every time I floor it,
a blind boy can see four seconds.
204
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:37,131
So he gets that pop, you know.
205
00:12:37,215 --> 00:12:41,428
So, I get a lot of speeding tickets,
you know, for his little dark ass."
206
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:46,224
No offense, if anybody is blind either.
207
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:50,687
My friend Maurice is blind,
and he said it ain't that bad in there.
208
00:12:55,024 --> 00:12:57,318
But you gotta have money
to get the ladies.
209
00:12:57,402 --> 00:13:00,572
If you don't have money, you gotta have
the other money: drugs.
210
00:13:00,655 --> 00:13:02,741
Especially in L.A.,
man, that's where I live now.
211
00:13:02,823 --> 00:13:05,118
Them girls out there
a bunch of coke-ghosts.
212
00:13:05,201 --> 00:13:06,578
That's what I call them.
213
00:13:06,661 --> 00:13:09,122
Coke-ghosts, baby,
'cause they're invisible.
214
00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:11,499
They don't answer your calls,
your texts,
215
00:13:11,583 --> 00:13:13,918
but you break out
a little bag of snow-caine,
216
00:13:14,001 --> 00:13:16,296
they fuckin' show up
out of thin air.
217
00:13:16,379 --> 00:13:17,880
Like, "Blow!
218
00:13:18,089 --> 00:13:21,301
Blow!"
219
00:13:22,218 --> 00:13:24,803
Then they're angry when you wanna
get 'em in the sheets.
220
00:13:24,887 --> 00:13:27,557
I'm like, "Bitch, you're a ghost!
221
00:13:27,641 --> 00:13:30,310
This is your natural attire.
222
00:13:30,393 --> 00:13:31,810
Now come to daddy."
223
00:13:33,563 --> 00:13:36,815
And if you don't have money or drugs,
you gotta be yourself.
224
00:13:36,899 --> 00:13:40,069
Fuck that, man.
225
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:43,740
Last thing I'm doing is being myself.
Not on my watch!
226
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:48,244
What am I gonna say to a girl?
"Hey, my name is Theo.
227
00:13:48,328 --> 00:13:51,498
Mostly, I just Netflix
and keep my hopes up."
228
00:13:54,709 --> 00:13:57,128
You'll be alone forever!
229
00:13:58,379 --> 00:14:01,675
But these days you don't have to be
yourself 'cause they have Internet.
230
00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,259
You can be whatever you want.
231
00:14:03,343 --> 00:14:05,886
You could be a pineapple.
You could be dead.
232
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:09,474
You can be whatever you want, man.
233
00:14:09,557 --> 00:14:11,392
I met a girl recently online.
234
00:14:11,476 --> 00:14:14,020
I hit her up,
I said, "Let's get some coffee."
235
00:14:14,103 --> 00:14:16,897
So, she write me back.
She said, "Coffee's boring.
236
00:14:16,981 --> 00:14:20,485
Didn't you read my profile?
I'm adventurous.
237
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:25,156
I wanna go skydiving on our first date."
[whines]
238
00:14:27,367 --> 00:14:31,871
And nowhere in my budget is there
skydiving-for-unknown-bitches money.
239
00:14:34,332 --> 00:14:38,419
That shit ain't hittin' my bottom line.
I keep unknown bitches at sea level.
240
00:14:39,629 --> 00:14:43,341
So, I wrote her back.
I said, "Well, listen here, fancy,
241
00:14:43,424 --> 00:14:46,803
I happen to live
on the 11th floor of my building.
242
00:14:47,846 --> 00:14:52,350
Why don't you come over here,
I'll assist you off the balcony
243
00:14:52,433 --> 00:14:54,268
in a windbreaker.
244
00:14:54,352 --> 00:14:57,605
If you're still feeling all adventurous
down on the flower beds,
245
00:14:57,689 --> 00:15:00,692
I'll get your newly-crippled ass
a coffee, then.
246
00:15:00,775 --> 00:15:03,236
But the caffeine ain't gonna
save your legs,
247
00:15:03,319 --> 00:15:04,738
you greedy little gremlin."
248
00:15:04,821 --> 00:15:06,614
And now I'm angry.
249
00:15:06,698 --> 00:15:10,326
Now, I'm angry at a woman
that I've never even met.
250
00:15:10,410 --> 00:15:11,952
Thanks, Internet!
251
00:15:12,953 --> 00:15:17,333
Do you know what it's like to be angry
at bitches you don't even know?
252
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,627
My buddy Sherman's like,
"What's wrong?"
253
00:15:19,711 --> 00:15:20,920
I'm like, "This bitch!"
254
00:15:21,003 --> 00:15:23,631
He's like, "Who?"
I'm like, "I don't know!
255
00:15:24,632 --> 00:15:26,718
Invisible bitches, Sherman!
256
00:15:28,344 --> 00:15:30,764
She's a skydiver.
Let's wait for her ass."
257
00:15:33,391 --> 00:15:36,143
"How will we know when she gets here
if she's invisible?"
258
00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:37,771
"I don't know!
259
00:15:37,854 --> 00:15:41,566
Wait till you feel 'bitch' in the air.
That's probably her!"
260
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:45,945
He's like, "Relax, Little Bear.
You need to go to yoga, Little Bear."
261
00:15:46,028 --> 00:15:48,698
"Quit fuckin'
callin' me 'Little Bear,' Sherman.
262
00:15:48,782 --> 00:15:51,117
Little bears ain't in their 30s,
you idiot."
263
00:15:54,412 --> 00:15:56,831
I get frustrated, man.
264
00:15:56,915 --> 00:15:59,041
I get frustrated real easy, you know.
265
00:15:59,125 --> 00:16:01,294
You ever get frustrated, man?
266
00:16:01,377 --> 00:16:03,671
-[man] All the time.
-How do you relax?
267
00:16:04,923 --> 00:16:07,174
You don't? [laughing]
Okay, right on.
268
00:16:07,258 --> 00:16:10,553
You just gon' keep
stressing till you pop, huh?
269
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,221
That's one way to do it, man.
270
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:13,890
Gets you to heaven.
271
00:16:15,182 --> 00:16:18,185
But, yeah, it's hard, man,
it's hard to relax.
272
00:16:19,646 --> 00:16:21,481
I'm not good at it, man.
273
00:16:21,564 --> 00:16:25,025
I tried the marijuanas. I know a
lot of people's on the marijuanas.
274
00:16:25,109 --> 00:16:26,569
And I'm not good at 'em, man.
275
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:29,447
I get high, I just get real paranoid,
you know?
276
00:16:29,530 --> 00:16:32,742
It's like my whole head
turns into a haunted house.
277
00:16:34,786 --> 00:16:36,788
I'm like, "What the fuck was that?
278
00:16:37,664 --> 00:16:39,081
Oh, an idea.
279
00:16:43,252 --> 00:16:45,713
This shit's strong, man."
280
00:16:46,547 --> 00:16:49,383
Then I tried yoga.
I don't know if you've been to yoga.
281
00:16:49,467 --> 00:16:52,595
I don't know if you've been to this deal.
Okay?
282
00:16:53,095 --> 00:16:55,723
If you haven't been, it's like...
283
00:16:56,223 --> 00:16:59,602
It's like fuckin',
but by yourself, real slowly.
284
00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:03,314
And it's awkward
'cause all the ladies in there
285
00:17:03,397 --> 00:17:05,859
are sweatin' out of their crotches
a little bit.
286
00:17:05,942 --> 00:17:08,695
What is the deal, ladies, huh?
Somethin' bit you?
287
00:17:08,778 --> 00:17:10,864
What happened, huh?
288
00:17:10,947 --> 00:17:12,365
What is going on?
289
00:17:12,448 --> 00:17:16,076
Put a little powder in your pants
before you go in there. Starch up!
290
00:17:16,160 --> 00:17:18,872
Starch up, drink a Red Bull, "G" up!
291
00:17:18,955 --> 00:17:22,458
What, you hide an armpit in your crotch?
Get your life together!
292
00:17:22,542 --> 00:17:24,627
Huh? Huh?
293
00:17:24,711 --> 00:17:27,505
Wear a cup, we don't care.
Just get it together.
294
00:17:27,588 --> 00:17:30,466
What if I went around
just frothing at the balls all day
295
00:17:30,550 --> 00:17:34,345
like I had a little St. Bernard
living behind my nuts?
296
00:17:34,428 --> 00:17:36,597
"Get back there, buddy.
Get back there."
297
00:17:39,266 --> 00:17:40,476
"G" up, ladies.
298
00:17:42,353 --> 00:17:45,982
They need to quit marketing yoga to dudes.
Yoga ain't for dudes.
299
00:17:46,065 --> 00:17:49,151
"Hey, bro, want to do a bunch of shit
you couldn't do?"
300
00:17:50,403 --> 00:17:52,446
"Fuck, no, you creep."
301
00:17:54,866 --> 00:17:57,076
Touch my feet.
I ain't touching my feet.
302
00:17:59,078 --> 00:18:02,707
That's why God put 'em down there,
so I wouldn't be messing with 'em,
303
00:18:02,790 --> 00:18:04,417
you little sinner.
304
00:18:04,500 --> 00:18:06,794
Yoga ain't for dudes, man.
305
00:18:06,878 --> 00:18:10,882
If my grandfather walked in on six of
his friends stretching at the same time,
306
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:13,175
he'd hit 'em with a fucking shovel, okay?
307
00:18:13,259 --> 00:18:14,802
This shit ain't Christian!
308
00:18:14,886 --> 00:18:18,097
"You men are stretching and don't
even know each other's names!
309
00:18:18,180 --> 00:18:20,892
What are you doing?
Look at your life!"
310
00:18:24,520 --> 00:18:28,107
Then they have some guy
who works in the yoga studio.
311
00:18:28,190 --> 00:18:31,485
He looks like he got fired
from a Renaissance fair.
312
00:18:31,569 --> 00:18:33,947
He's like, "You're doing a great job."
313
00:18:34,030 --> 00:18:36,240
I'm like, "Who in the fuck are you?"
314
00:18:36,323 --> 00:18:37,700
He's like, "Open your hip."
315
00:18:37,784 --> 00:18:39,994
"I'll shit on your linoleum.
316
00:18:41,079 --> 00:18:43,081
I will shit in here, bro.
317
00:18:43,163 --> 00:18:44,791
I shit places, okay?
318
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:47,085
Don't make me make this one of 'em."
319
00:18:49,087 --> 00:18:50,379
Yoga ain't for dudes.
320
00:18:52,465 --> 00:18:55,384
You want a yoga class for dudes,
here's the class, all right?
321
00:18:55,468 --> 00:18:57,804
It's called "Simon Says Don't Fart."
322
00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:59,597
That's the class.
323
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:03,225
It lasts three minutes.
Every man farts, admits to it,
324
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,770
introduces themselves to the other men
in the room,
325
00:19:05,853 --> 00:19:07,480
looking them square in the eyes,
326
00:19:07,563 --> 00:19:09,983
and leaves out of there
with Christ in his heart.
327
00:19:11,484 --> 00:19:14,112
Not this other cat factory
they're runnin'.
328
00:19:20,200 --> 00:19:21,494
I hate fartin'.
329
00:19:22,495 --> 00:19:24,413
I do. I always have.
330
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:27,416
I always have, okay?
331
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:29,335
I just hate it. I just don't--
332
00:19:30,294 --> 00:19:32,546
I can't believe it, man.
333
00:19:32,630 --> 00:19:35,967
Can you believe we're still fartin'?
We're farters.
334
00:19:36,050 --> 00:19:39,137
We think we know somethin'?
We're farters.
335
00:19:39,219 --> 00:19:43,474
We have air flyin' out of
our ass when it wants to.
336
00:19:44,100 --> 00:19:45,935
What the fuck, people?
337
00:19:46,019 --> 00:19:49,147
I have an app on my phone
that can take my blood pressure,
338
00:19:49,229 --> 00:19:52,859
but my asshole's
still livin' in the Wild West.
339
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:58,322
If Apple would spend
a half hour on our sphincters,
340
00:19:58,405 --> 00:20:00,825
we wouldn't have this problem!
341
00:20:00,908 --> 00:20:02,743
Bring back Jobs!
342
00:20:06,413 --> 00:20:08,041
I hate farting, man.
343
00:20:08,124 --> 00:20:12,837
It's like your booty
trying to tell everybody all your secrets.
344
00:20:12,920 --> 00:20:16,049
It's like, "Don't smell that,
you'll know everything!"
345
00:20:18,258 --> 00:20:21,428
The worst is when you're by yourself,
living life at your house,
346
00:20:21,512 --> 00:20:23,014
and you're alone in the living room
347
00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:25,725
and you fuckin' cut a little bud
up into the air, son,
348
00:20:25,808 --> 00:20:27,060
'cause you know what's up,
349
00:20:27,143 --> 00:20:29,269
'cause you're probably going to heaven.
350
00:20:29,353 --> 00:20:33,900
Then somebody comes in the room
'cause they wanna "tell you somethin'."
351
00:20:33,983 --> 00:20:37,319
Now you gotta smell it all up
before they get close to you like--
352
00:20:37,403 --> 00:20:41,532
[inhaling, exhaling]
353
00:20:41,615 --> 00:20:43,910
"Hey, Danny!"
354
00:20:43,993 --> 00:20:46,120
You try to talk so loud, they can't smell.
355
00:20:46,204 --> 00:20:47,830
"How are ya?
356
00:20:47,914 --> 00:20:51,291
Let's go talk by the wall.
We never do that!
357
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:56,255
Let's chat outside.
It's raining? Who cares! We're young!"
358
00:20:57,924 --> 00:20:59,592
I hate fartin'.
359
00:21:05,098 --> 00:21:06,306
We gotta beat it, man.
360
00:21:07,725 --> 00:21:08,893
We gotta beat it.
361
00:21:10,978 --> 00:21:12,354
I think we will.
362
00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:17,151
Who even invented fartin'?
You ever ask yourself?
363
00:21:17,235 --> 00:21:19,904
Or you're just fuckin' fartin',
you creeps.
364
00:21:22,907 --> 00:21:26,452
Probably somebody from Mississippi, okay?
365
00:21:26,535 --> 00:21:29,622
I don't know if you guys
have ever been to Mississippi or not.
366
00:21:29,705 --> 00:21:34,085
If you haven't, let me save you
a little bit of travel cash, okay?
367
00:21:34,168 --> 00:21:36,963
Go home, urinate in your toilet,
368
00:21:37,046 --> 00:21:39,132
and then get in there with it.
369
00:21:39,215 --> 00:21:43,510
"Ooh! Mississippi!"
370
00:21:43,594 --> 00:21:47,140
That place is a shithole, man.
371
00:21:47,223 --> 00:21:52,352
They need to give it to the Palestinians
and solve a damn world problem, okay?
372
00:21:52,436 --> 00:21:55,231
They still have slaves there!
373
00:21:55,273 --> 00:21:58,358
I was there a month ago,
I'm pumpin' gas at the gas station,
374
00:21:58,442 --> 00:22:00,069
a brother pops out of the bushes,
375
00:22:00,153 --> 00:22:03,405
he's like, "You got any news
from the North?"
376
00:22:04,157 --> 00:22:06,533
Like, fuck this place, dude!
377
00:22:07,367 --> 00:22:11,497
We need to get Morgan Freeman
out of there and then bomb that place.
378
00:22:12,456 --> 00:22:16,043
Not with bombs, but somethin'
that'll really scare 'em: books!
379
00:22:16,127 --> 00:22:19,338
[shouting] "Algebra!"
380
00:22:20,923 --> 00:22:23,176
Fuckin' hate Mississippi, man.
381
00:22:23,259 --> 00:22:25,678
No offense if you're
from Mississippi either.
382
00:22:31,100 --> 00:22:32,601
I don't know anymore, man.
383
00:22:33,769 --> 00:22:36,189
I just don't know
what God wants us to do.
384
00:22:40,734 --> 00:22:41,694
[sighs]
385
00:22:41,777 --> 00:22:44,655
So then I decided
I gotta get off the Interwebs.
386
00:22:44,738 --> 00:22:47,491
I was trying to meet a woman
on the Interwebs.
387
00:22:47,574 --> 00:22:49,910
Electrical humans.
388
00:22:49,994 --> 00:22:53,747
And I said I gotta meet a woman
the old-fashioned way. People interaction.
389
00:22:53,831 --> 00:22:56,750
I said I'm gonna ask out
the next woman that I see
390
00:22:56,834 --> 00:22:58,711
to practice asking a woman out,
391
00:22:58,794 --> 00:23:00,504
to practice ridin' the bike,
392
00:23:00,587 --> 00:23:02,422
'cause I forgot what it was like.
393
00:23:02,506 --> 00:23:05,509
So I met a girl,
she had a brown tooth.
394
00:23:05,592 --> 00:23:07,427
Just one, haters.
395
00:23:08,929 --> 00:23:10,139
But I'm a Christian.
396
00:23:10,223 --> 00:23:13,934
I'm gonna see the rest of her,
see what else the Lord has built
397
00:23:14,018 --> 00:23:17,521
around this little shantytown
in her mouth,
398
00:23:17,604 --> 00:23:20,774
around this little neck Bethlehem.
399
00:23:20,858 --> 00:23:25,988
I don't know her life. Maybe she got hit
by something brown right in the tooth.
400
00:23:26,072 --> 00:23:29,033
Maybe somebody had something brown
and they threw it somewhere
401
00:23:29,116 --> 00:23:31,827
and she was somewhere
and she got hit by it.
402
00:23:31,911 --> 00:23:34,205
Okay. I don't know her life.
403
00:23:34,288 --> 00:23:36,623
"Knock, knock." "Who's there?"
"Her life."
404
00:23:36,707 --> 00:23:38,125
"I don't know you, bro."
405
00:23:39,919 --> 00:23:42,296
So I asked her out, right?
406
00:23:42,380 --> 00:23:45,049
[laughing] She said no.
407
00:23:46,424 --> 00:23:49,053
I was like, "You've got a brown tooth,
lady!
408
00:23:49,136 --> 00:23:51,389
Your face is dying!
409
00:23:51,471 --> 00:23:53,224
Your face is dying, okay?
410
00:23:53,307 --> 00:23:56,476
You's a couple candies
from being a jack-o'-lantern,
411
00:23:56,560 --> 00:23:57,937
you little sugar hooker.
412
00:24:01,941 --> 00:24:04,318
At least let me take you out
for a salad, girly.
413
00:24:04,402 --> 00:24:06,195
Get some baby carrots
in your mouth.
414
00:24:06,279 --> 00:24:11,409
Get some vitamins in your system.
Get your grill back on its feet."
415
00:24:11,491 --> 00:24:13,202
'Cause who am I supposed to ask out,
416
00:24:13,286 --> 00:24:17,373
if somebody whose face
is rottin' off their body is saying no?
417
00:24:18,582 --> 00:24:20,584
Huh? A headless woman?
418
00:24:20,667 --> 00:24:23,045
Where am I gonna meet
a headless woman, huh?
419
00:24:23,129 --> 00:24:27,967
A headless woman who just wears her hat
on her neck stub and goes to the bank?
420
00:24:29,218 --> 00:24:32,430
How am I supposed to be romantic
with a headless woman?
421
00:24:33,513 --> 00:24:35,015
We're at a nice restaurant,
422
00:24:35,099 --> 00:24:37,601
I'm just cutting a little piece
of steak and just...
423
00:24:37,684 --> 00:24:39,895
just shaking them into her neck hole?
424
00:24:40,938 --> 00:24:42,564
It ain't right.
425
00:24:48,362 --> 00:24:52,741
And I ain't being gay, man.
There's already too many gays out there.
426
00:24:52,825 --> 00:24:54,576
How many gays are out there, bro?
427
00:24:54,660 --> 00:24:57,955
-[man] A hundred million.
-No, not a hundred million.
428
00:24:58,038 --> 00:25:00,040
Are you crazy, dude?
429
00:25:00,124 --> 00:25:04,337
Bro, they would be--
They'd be under everything, man.
430
00:25:06,005 --> 00:25:10,134
Bro, no. Not a hundred million.
Maybe eighty thousand.
431
00:25:10,217 --> 00:25:12,136
Ninety thousand. Maybe.
432
00:25:12,219 --> 00:25:14,847
With Obama in office, who knows?
He's probably...
433
00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:17,433
buying gays from other countries, maybe...
434
00:25:17,515 --> 00:25:20,853
Yeah. Probably gettin'
a bunch of Chinese gays soon.
435
00:25:20,936 --> 00:25:23,105
We don't know, is what I'm saying.
436
00:25:24,190 --> 00:25:27,109
We don't know how many people
this monkey bit, guys.
437
00:25:30,029 --> 00:25:32,406
We got no idea.
438
00:25:32,490 --> 00:25:35,659
And here's the kicker.
Science still thinks one monkey did this.
439
00:25:35,742 --> 00:25:38,871
Uh, hello, science.
Couple of monkey's did this, okay?
440
00:25:41,040 --> 00:25:42,666
No offense if you're gay either.
441
00:25:45,878 --> 00:25:50,590
I mean, I'll probably suck a little dick
at about 80. Know what I'm saying, bro?
442
00:25:50,674 --> 00:25:53,427
You suck a little dick at 80?
443
00:25:53,511 --> 00:25:55,721
Come on man, you in?
444
00:25:55,804 --> 00:25:58,391
Huh? What's it for? For suckin' dick!
445
00:25:58,474 --> 00:26:00,142
At 80, bro?
446
00:26:00,226 --> 00:26:01,394
You busy?
447
00:26:03,354 --> 00:26:06,357
You're not doing nothing at 80,
just sitting by the window.
448
00:26:07,066 --> 00:26:09,485
Wherever you go at 80,
they put you by the window.
449
00:26:09,567 --> 00:26:11,445
"Put Pop-Pop by the window!
450
00:26:11,529 --> 00:26:13,780
Pop-Pop's here,
put him by the window!"
451
00:26:13,864 --> 00:26:16,158
They don't even fucking ask Pop-Pop.
452
00:26:16,242 --> 00:26:18,785
Any fucking window,
they just wheel you over to it.
453
00:26:18,869 --> 00:26:21,621
"That's Pop-Pop.
That's your window."
454
00:26:21,705 --> 00:26:26,210
You ain't gonna wheel back one day
and huff your boy off once?
455
00:26:26,293 --> 00:26:29,922
Add a little flavor to Pop-Pop's life.
Come on, man.
456
00:26:31,173 --> 00:26:34,552
It's not gay at 80, bro. It's chill.
457
00:26:35,969 --> 00:26:39,098
It's just like, "Grandpa is crazy.
458
00:26:39,848 --> 00:26:41,683
But he's staying active."
459
00:26:44,562 --> 00:26:47,481
What you worried about, the feeling?
460
00:26:47,565 --> 00:26:49,442
You're not gonna feel it.
461
00:26:49,525 --> 00:26:51,944
At 80, bro, you're not gonna feel it, man.
462
00:26:52,027 --> 00:26:54,488
You've got no feeling left
in your mouth at 80!
463
00:26:54,572 --> 00:26:56,949
All your feelings gone to heaven.
464
00:26:57,032 --> 00:26:59,535
Everything just feel like a warm water.
465
00:26:59,617 --> 00:27:03,372
Probably like somebody trying to sneak
a fish stick into your mouth.
466
00:27:03,456 --> 00:27:05,874
"Who's trying to give me this fish stick?
467
00:27:05,958 --> 00:27:08,377
Old Pop-Pop didn't order no fish sticks!"
468
00:27:09,462 --> 00:27:13,299
It's probably like eating a hot dog
that's fighting back a little.
469
00:27:15,426 --> 00:27:17,136
Come on, man.
470
00:27:17,970 --> 00:27:21,599
You afraid to suck a little dick?
That's the gayest thing I've heard.
471
00:27:26,145 --> 00:27:27,729
You've changed, man.
472
00:27:29,856 --> 00:27:32,568
Being gay has changed, man.
473
00:27:32,650 --> 00:27:35,446
Being gay's changed.
Now gay dudes are just like, "I'm gay!"
474
00:27:35,529 --> 00:27:38,324
That's fine. It's the way
it always should have been.
475
00:27:38,407 --> 00:27:41,076
Let's not forget the OGs
of the game, baby.
476
00:27:41,160 --> 00:27:43,829
Let's not forget
our fathers and stepfathers,
477
00:27:43,912 --> 00:27:46,457
who'd meet up behind Shoney's
on their lunch break
478
00:27:46,540 --> 00:27:49,585
and tug uglies and go back home
to their fucking families and kids.
479
00:27:49,667 --> 00:27:51,878
Let's get a round of applause
for those men.
480
00:27:53,046 --> 00:27:56,342
The OGs, baby. The Original Gays.
481
00:28:01,639 --> 00:28:03,932
Some guys are too gay these days,
though, bro.
482
00:28:04,016 --> 00:28:07,769
Super gays, the kind of gay dudes
where even my gay friends are like,
483
00:28:07,853 --> 00:28:10,272
"This bitch needs to chill out a little."
484
00:28:12,816 --> 00:28:15,027
This guy came up to me
the other day in L.A., man.
485
00:28:15,110 --> 00:28:18,531
He had all his stuff
in an Easter basket.
486
00:28:18,614 --> 00:28:23,494
He had his phone and monies
in an Easter basket.
487
00:28:23,577 --> 00:28:26,455
And he said he's lost,
he needs directions.
488
00:28:26,539 --> 00:28:29,249
I said, "I can't help you
get anywhere, bro,
489
00:28:29,333 --> 00:28:32,252
not if you frikking
bringing your own Easter."
490
00:28:33,337 --> 00:28:35,422
You can always find a super gay dude.
491
00:28:35,506 --> 00:28:38,133
And it's always a frikking white dude.
492
00:28:38,217 --> 00:28:40,927
And he's always standing
somewhere like this.
493
00:28:41,011 --> 00:28:43,514
And he's always in
a troubled neighborhood.
494
00:28:43,597 --> 00:28:45,599
And he's standing there like this.
495
00:28:45,974 --> 00:28:49,936
[shivering]
496
00:28:52,523 --> 00:28:54,983
Like people are beating him
with soft cold dicks,
497
00:28:55,067 --> 00:28:57,486
but nobody's beating him
with soft cold dicks!
498
00:28:57,570 --> 00:28:59,405
It's in his brains.
499
00:29:01,865 --> 00:29:05,744
And he's got on Daisy Dukes,
but more Daisy than Duke. Okay?
500
00:29:05,827 --> 00:29:09,039
And he's got bright white legs,
like, Boo-Radley white,
501
00:29:09,122 --> 00:29:12,167
like tall sacks of soft cream
holding him up.
502
00:29:12,251 --> 00:29:14,086
And he don't even look like a fellow.
503
00:29:14,169 --> 00:29:17,756
He looks like a premature baby
somebody stretched up real tall
504
00:29:17,839 --> 00:29:19,299
and put a little tank top on him.
505
00:29:19,383 --> 00:29:21,927
And it looks like he don't even
have a spine in his body.
506
00:29:22,010 --> 00:29:25,013
Like, in the morning
he was down like this in a little pile.
507
00:29:25,097 --> 00:29:26,265
And then he just... [inhales]
508
00:29:26,348 --> 00:29:28,601
caught a whiff of dick in the distance,
509
00:29:28,684 --> 00:29:31,103
and it's been holding him up all day long.
510
00:29:31,186 --> 00:29:34,189
Like, come on, bro.
That's super gay, right?
511
00:29:34,273 --> 00:29:37,817
What if I went around just being
super fucking straight all day?
512
00:29:37,901 --> 00:29:43,115
I just woke up and started throwing
footballs at hot bitches all day long.
513
00:29:43,198 --> 00:29:46,660
Or eating raw meat
and shitting in race cars?
514
00:29:46,744 --> 00:29:48,746
They would take me to jail.
515
00:29:50,456 --> 00:29:54,585
But bro-bro's doing BYO Easter,
and I gotta act like everything is normal?
516
00:29:54,668 --> 00:29:56,670
Come on, man!
517
00:29:56,754 --> 00:29:59,298
Just be regular gay, man.
518
00:30:00,340 --> 00:30:02,342
You didn't win somethin'.
519
00:30:05,137 --> 00:30:08,890
'Cause we've all been a little gay, bro.
You've been there? Just nod.
520
00:30:11,143 --> 00:30:14,271
I've been gay, bro.
I'll tell you about it, man.
521
00:30:14,354 --> 00:30:17,065
First time I was gay,
I was 11 years old, okay?
522
00:30:17,149 --> 00:30:19,401
The only time that I was 11.
523
00:30:20,402 --> 00:30:22,404
And I was at the movie theater
in my town.
524
00:30:22,488 --> 00:30:25,073
I grew up in a small town
called Covington, Louisiana,
525
00:30:25,157 --> 00:30:27,785
not far from here, okay?
You know it?
526
00:30:28,327 --> 00:30:30,829
Beautiful place, man. Beautiful place.
527
00:30:30,912 --> 00:30:33,165
Lee Harvey Oswald
went to our middle school.
528
00:30:33,248 --> 00:30:37,043
True story. Pistol Pete Maravich
lived and died in our town.
529
00:30:37,127 --> 00:30:39,171
So... two good shooters.
530
00:30:41,047 --> 00:30:44,718
Tulane University had their
primate testing facility center in town,
531
00:30:44,802 --> 00:30:47,304
and in 1994, 70 infected monkeys got out,
532
00:30:47,387 --> 00:30:51,183
and they let us out of YMCA summer camp
to help the police look for them.
533
00:30:51,266 --> 00:30:54,812
So what the fuck
have you done with your life?
534
00:30:54,894 --> 00:30:58,816
Until you and 11 kids
you barely know in wet bathing suits
535
00:30:58,940 --> 00:31:02,486
have surrounded six chimpanzees
outside of a Kenny Rogers Roasters,
536
00:31:02,569 --> 00:31:05,197
you probably really don't know yourself.
537
00:31:10,577 --> 00:31:12,454
I'm at the movie theater in our town.
538
00:31:12,538 --> 00:31:14,748
I'm there with my girlfriend.
She looked like a boy.
539
00:31:14,832 --> 00:31:18,585
But that's not the gay part of the story,
is it, conclusion-jumpers?
540
00:31:18,669 --> 00:31:21,672
She looked like a boy because
they only had one haircut in our town
541
00:31:21,755 --> 00:31:23,382
because Mr. Ray was our bus driver.
542
00:31:23,465 --> 00:31:27,052
On the third Thursday of the month,
he would park the bus on the way home.
543
00:31:27,135 --> 00:31:29,638
You had three dollars,
you would hold your money up.
544
00:31:29,722 --> 00:31:30,972
He was also the barber.
545
00:31:31,056 --> 00:31:33,392
He would clip everybody out
that had their monies up.
546
00:31:33,475 --> 00:31:38,397
He only knew one hairstyle. It was kind
of like this Polish lesbian cut.
547
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:41,024
Anyway, that month me and my girl
had a bit of spending cash
548
00:31:41,107 --> 00:31:44,069
and we were sitting at the movie theater.
Our shit's fresh.
549
00:31:45,404 --> 00:31:49,825
Now, the movie that had come to town
was called Pumpkinhead. A scary movie.
550
00:31:49,908 --> 00:31:51,993
It was a film built for fear.
551
00:31:52,077 --> 00:31:54,496
So we're sitting there,
just ready to be scared.
552
00:31:54,580 --> 00:31:57,750
There's an older boy sitting next to me.
He was 16 years old.
553
00:31:57,833 --> 00:32:01,545
During the film, he got himself
a hand job from his girlfriend,
554
00:32:01,628 --> 00:32:04,172
and he ejaculated onto my arm.
555
00:32:05,965 --> 00:32:07,926
It was a pretty decent amount.
556
00:32:09,052 --> 00:32:13,849
And I only had 11 years worth of arm
at the time, so it looked like more then.
557
00:32:13,932 --> 00:32:16,142
But he really doused me up.
558
00:32:17,394 --> 00:32:20,689
And I was like, "Holy shit, man.
They got me," you know?
559
00:32:20,773 --> 00:32:22,524
"I'm gay."
560
00:32:22,608 --> 00:32:24,651
So... I'm not joking, man.
561
00:32:24,735 --> 00:32:28,697
For three months, I thought
I was a young homosexual. You know?
562
00:32:28,781 --> 00:32:33,452
And I broke up with my girlfriend.
I started jogging.
563
00:32:35,662 --> 00:32:41,293
And then I'm sitting there at Christmas,
I'm crying and wearing all these scarves.
564
00:32:41,376 --> 00:32:42,586
I'm serious, man.
565
00:32:42,669 --> 00:32:44,880
My brother is like,
"What the fuck, dude?
566
00:32:44,963 --> 00:32:47,633
Mom's pissed
you're wearing all her scarves."
567
00:32:47,716 --> 00:32:50,260
I was like,
"I'm a young homosexual, man.
568
00:32:50,343 --> 00:32:52,930
We're just trying to live our lives."
569
00:32:53,012 --> 00:32:55,348
He's like, "What are you talking about?"
570
00:32:55,432 --> 00:32:59,686
"They were getting people
at Pumpkinhead. And they got me.
571
00:32:59,770 --> 00:33:01,438
Where were you?"
572
00:33:01,521 --> 00:33:03,816
He's like,
"I don't know if you're gay or not,
573
00:33:03,899 --> 00:33:07,152
but you're the dumbest person
I've ever met in my life."
574
00:33:07,235 --> 00:33:09,738
Then he beat my ass, actually.
575
00:33:09,822 --> 00:33:11,239
Is that a hate crime?
576
00:33:12,240 --> 00:33:14,827
I think I got hate-crimed, dude.
577
00:33:14,910 --> 00:33:16,829
I knew I thought I got hate-crimed.
578
00:33:20,123 --> 00:33:24,920
But here's the wild part of that story.
Here's where the Lord really steps in.
579
00:33:25,003 --> 00:33:27,422
Because the fellow that got ejact
onto me...
580
00:33:28,841 --> 00:33:30,175
he died.
581
00:33:31,259 --> 00:33:34,930
He died. He died. He died. [repeats]
582
00:33:35,013 --> 00:33:37,641
He died. He died...
583
00:33:37,724 --> 00:33:42,061
He died in a car accident.
He died of natural causes by a car.
584
00:33:43,229 --> 00:33:45,231
Sometimes I'll be sitting somewhere...
585
00:33:45,315 --> 00:33:47,484
thinking or not thinking about something,
586
00:33:47,567 --> 00:33:49,569
waiting for a thought
to come and find me.
587
00:33:50,988 --> 00:33:52,990
And I'll feel like...
588
00:33:53,072 --> 00:33:55,742
Let me say this right. I will feel like...
589
00:33:55,826 --> 00:33:58,244
this is, like, his arm a little.
590
00:33:58,328 --> 00:34:00,079
I swear to God, man.
591
00:34:00,163 --> 00:34:04,584
Because I'll just be sitting there
doing nothing, or maybe doing something.
592
00:34:04,668 --> 00:34:07,337
And my hand will go like that.
593
00:34:07,420 --> 00:34:09,631
But I won't want nothing.
594
00:34:09,715 --> 00:34:12,175
But it's like he wants something.
595
00:34:13,593 --> 00:34:17,222
Like he trying to get something.
Like he wants a candy.
596
00:34:17,305 --> 00:34:19,641
'Cause I wouldn't be
reaching for no candies
597
00:34:19,725 --> 00:34:22,143
'cause I know we don't keep candies
in the house.
598
00:34:22,227 --> 00:34:26,064
It's like he's reaching for a candy,
like, he trying to get a butterscotch.
599
00:34:33,363 --> 00:34:37,116
The second time I was gay
was when I met Brad Pitt.
600
00:34:37,200 --> 00:34:39,828
'Cause I met Brad Pitt, dude.
I did. I met Brad Pitt.
601
00:34:39,912 --> 00:34:42,622
The real one,
the only one God ever made.
602
00:34:42,706 --> 00:34:45,042
Met his ass, okay?
603
00:34:45,124 --> 00:34:47,502
This is what happened.
Listen up, haters.
604
00:34:48,712 --> 00:34:50,463
So it's a beautiful day out.
605
00:34:51,673 --> 00:34:55,218
'Cause Brad only lives on beautiful days.
606
00:34:55,301 --> 00:34:59,222
And I'm walking. I'm going to
an audition on the Fox lot in Los Angeles.
607
00:34:59,305 --> 00:35:03,476
Probably for a big movie like League
of their Own II or something heavy.
608
00:35:03,560 --> 00:35:05,645
The sun is hitting me while I walk.
609
00:35:05,729 --> 00:35:09,900
The rays are just coming down
and just touching me on my neck and hair.
610
00:35:09,983 --> 00:35:13,820
Like the Lord just petting me,
letting me know I'm still his boy.
611
00:35:13,904 --> 00:35:15,697
In the distance I see a man, right?
612
00:35:15,781 --> 00:35:18,992
I say a man, but I'm talking about
the most beautiful woman
613
00:35:19,076 --> 00:35:21,703
you've ever seen wrapped up in a man.
614
00:35:21,787 --> 00:35:24,539
He didn't even look human.
He looked like...
615
00:35:24,623 --> 00:35:28,710
Poseidon had been raising a secret
little baby boy down in the ocean.
616
00:35:28,794 --> 00:35:30,545
And when that boy was full grown,
617
00:35:30,629 --> 00:35:33,172
he set him on the land
and said, "Go, boy.
618
00:35:33,256 --> 00:35:34,883
You live out there now."
619
00:35:34,967 --> 00:35:38,261
Immediately, I was gay. Okay?
620
00:35:38,344 --> 00:35:40,847
Like-- Poof-- Gay.
621
00:35:41,723 --> 00:35:45,393
So, I'm walking and he's walking,
we're both going to the same building.
622
00:35:45,477 --> 00:35:46,311
It's a true story.
623
00:35:46,394 --> 00:35:48,772
I don't even know
if Brad Pitt even walks anymore,
624
00:35:48,855 --> 00:35:52,025
or if there's an agreement now
between gravity and Mother Nature
625
00:35:52,109 --> 00:35:53,526
and the grace of God,
626
00:35:53,610 --> 00:35:57,072
where they just amicably move
little Bradley wherever he needs to go.
627
00:35:57,155 --> 00:36:01,242
Like, God has a chessboard with one piece
and it's Brad-fucking-Pitt.
628
00:36:01,326 --> 00:36:02,702
Checkmate life, right?
629
00:36:02,786 --> 00:36:04,245
So, I'm walking, he's gliding.
630
00:36:04,329 --> 00:36:07,124
We're both going to the same building,
I'm looking at him,
631
00:36:07,206 --> 00:36:10,335
and I'm thinking to myself,
"Man, that looks like Brad Pitt."
632
00:36:10,418 --> 00:36:13,797
And then my brain goes,
"'Cause that is Brad Pitt, playboy."
633
00:36:13,880 --> 00:36:17,634
Part of my brain is black and gets
a little 'hood with the rest of my brain.
634
00:36:17,717 --> 00:36:21,471
I don't know what to do now,
'cause they don't teach you what to do
635
00:36:21,554 --> 00:36:23,765
when you're about to meet Brad Pitt.
636
00:36:23,849 --> 00:36:25,851
They teach us other things.
637
00:36:25,934 --> 00:36:28,937
If you're on fire, little buddy,
stop, drop and roll.
638
00:36:29,021 --> 00:36:33,066
If you're going to argue with a short man,
don't argue with him in a prone position.
639
00:36:33,150 --> 00:36:36,153
Argue with him like this
and be ready for his little actions.
640
00:36:37,236 --> 00:36:40,406
But they don't teach you
how to meet Brad-frikking-Pitt
641
00:36:40,490 --> 00:36:42,200
in Brad-frikking-person, right?
642
00:36:42,283 --> 00:36:44,077
So I'm walking, he's gliding.
643
00:36:44,161 --> 00:36:47,873
We're going to the same building,
me and the only Brad Pitt God ever made.
644
00:36:47,956 --> 00:36:49,124
Brad Pitt.
645
00:36:49,207 --> 00:36:52,210
And he was wearing--
He was wearing everything.
646
00:36:52,293 --> 00:36:54,671
He had on, like, a tuxedo.
647
00:36:54,754 --> 00:36:56,381
And he was on a horseback.
648
00:36:58,091 --> 00:37:00,426
And he had on furs,
but, like, exotic furs.
649
00:37:00,510 --> 00:37:04,514
Animals we've never even seen,
like, Chimpanebras and alapacakeets.
650
00:37:04,597 --> 00:37:07,059
And he had Lorax
coming off his shoulders,
651
00:37:07,142 --> 00:37:09,769
and he had Care Bear cuff
on his boot-tops and wrists.
652
00:37:09,853 --> 00:37:12,105
And... he had no shirt on.
653
00:37:13,398 --> 00:37:15,901
So he's coming from that way,
I'm coming this way.
654
00:37:15,984 --> 00:37:17,527
Double doors on the building.
655
00:37:17,610 --> 00:37:20,279
We get to the front of this building
at the same moment,
656
00:37:20,363 --> 00:37:22,032
and I'm thinking to myself,
657
00:37:22,115 --> 00:37:25,660
"I'll get the door,
'cause Brad's done a lot for me."
658
00:37:25,744 --> 00:37:28,496
So I grab the door on the left
and I pull it.
659
00:37:28,580 --> 00:37:31,249
You know how some asshole
always locks the door on the left?
660
00:37:31,332 --> 00:37:33,668
That asshole works here. Okay?
661
00:37:33,752 --> 00:37:35,670
So, I pull it and it's locked.
662
00:37:35,754 --> 00:37:38,090
Usually, you would just
open the other door,
663
00:37:38,173 --> 00:37:41,342
but for some reason,
I just keep pulling on this locked door
664
00:37:41,426 --> 00:37:45,013
like it's gonna start up
and I'm-a mow the yard with it, right?
665
00:37:45,097 --> 00:37:48,683
And Brad Pitt is standing right here.
The only one that God has.
666
00:37:48,767 --> 00:37:51,186
And you can feel him
when he's standing somewhere
667
00:37:51,269 --> 00:37:53,688
'cause he's got this invisible energy
comin' off him,
668
00:37:53,772 --> 00:37:57,358
'cause he's made out of
vagina and diamonds.
669
00:37:57,442 --> 00:38:02,072
So, I'm pulling on this door and he goes,
"You got it, man?"
670
00:38:02,155 --> 00:38:05,909
'Cause that's what Brad Pitt say
when shit ain't going well.
671
00:38:07,660 --> 00:38:09,204
So I look back at him like this.
672
00:38:09,287 --> 00:38:13,750
If you ever looked right at him up close,
it's like staring directly into the sun,
673
00:38:13,833 --> 00:38:16,878
but with a little bit
of Brad Pitt in there.
674
00:38:16,962 --> 00:38:19,547
I look back at him like this
and I say, "I got it, man."
675
00:38:19,631 --> 00:38:22,050
That's what my brain said.
My mouth goes...
676
00:38:22,134 --> 00:38:26,054
[stuttering]
677
00:38:26,138 --> 00:38:30,058
Right to his face!
[stuttering]
678
00:38:30,142 --> 00:38:37,107
Like an Asian that won't start.
[stuttering]
679
00:38:37,274 --> 00:38:40,443
Thankfully he speaks [stuttering],
680
00:38:40,526 --> 00:38:43,822
'cause he's been around social roaches
like your boy.
681
00:38:43,905 --> 00:38:47,075
I gotta open door number two,
but I don't want this interaction to end.
682
00:38:47,159 --> 00:38:50,453
We might hug, we might fuck a little.
This is Hollywood, son.
683
00:38:50,536 --> 00:38:54,457
This is my chance
with Brad-frikkin'-Pitt, you animals.
684
00:38:54,540 --> 00:38:56,293
So, door number two, okay?
685
00:38:56,375 --> 00:38:58,544
Naturally,
I could just open that door,
686
00:38:58,628 --> 00:39:02,381
walk in this building,
let this man live his life.
687
00:39:02,465 --> 00:39:07,012
Or I could open the door for him,
let him walk by and just live my own life.
688
00:39:07,095 --> 00:39:08,972
But this is what I did.
I open the door.
689
00:39:09,055 --> 00:39:10,640
As it swings open,
690
00:39:10,723 --> 00:39:13,185
I jump across and put my back
against the open door.
691
00:39:13,268 --> 00:39:16,896
Like, a way that people
don't open doors.
692
00:39:16,980 --> 00:39:19,941
He looks at me like,
"That ain't how people open doors."
693
00:39:21,442 --> 00:39:25,864
And I said, "I got it, man.
I used to work at a door store."
694
00:39:31,369 --> 00:39:33,621
I'm not joking man,
I door-stored him.
695
00:39:33,705 --> 00:39:36,457
Right to his face, dude.
Right to his Brad Pitt face.
696
00:39:36,541 --> 00:39:39,169
And... and he goes...
697
00:39:39,336 --> 00:39:40,378
"Ha-ha."
698
00:39:41,671 --> 00:39:43,089
That's what he said.
699
00:39:43,756 --> 00:39:44,757
"Ha-ha."
700
00:39:46,009 --> 00:39:48,845
And I don't know
if you ever heard him laugh in person,
701
00:39:48,928 --> 00:39:51,430
but I mean, it's beautiful.
702
00:39:51,514 --> 00:39:56,435
You don't even hear it at first.
You just feel the laughter on your skin.
703
00:39:56,519 --> 00:39:59,522
When you finally hear his laugh,
I mean, it just...
704
00:39:59,605 --> 00:40:03,276
it sounds like a million babies
eating cookies at the same time.
705
00:40:04,443 --> 00:40:07,739
Right when I heard his laugh,
crop circles formed in my hair.
706
00:40:07,822 --> 00:40:11,326
And memories of making love
to a hundred women I never even met
707
00:40:11,409 --> 00:40:13,245
starting living in my heart.
708
00:40:13,328 --> 00:40:14,913
Mi corazón.
709
00:40:14,996 --> 00:40:17,957
So I'm just standing there
against this door, right?
710
00:40:18,041 --> 00:40:22,045
People are going in and out. I'm just
reduced to a concierge by this man.
711
00:40:22,128 --> 00:40:24,881
This lady comes runnin' up,
this straight-up street beast,
712
00:40:24,964 --> 00:40:28,760
and she's like,
"Did Brad Pitt just go in there?"
713
00:40:28,843 --> 00:40:32,430
I was like, "No, ma'am.
He went thattaway," you know?
714
00:40:34,473 --> 00:40:36,976
'Cause I ain't telling this bitch
where I keep him.
715
00:40:43,983 --> 00:40:46,986
Thank you. Thank you.
716
00:40:49,572 --> 00:40:53,576
And the third time I was gay
was just a general time.
717
00:40:53,659 --> 00:40:56,955
When I was younger we used to play
a game called "gay chicken."
718
00:40:57,038 --> 00:40:58,664
Anybody in the Navy?
719
00:40:59,124 --> 00:40:59,958
Uh...
720
00:41:00,041 --> 00:41:02,252
Homosexualis con pollo.
721
00:41:04,796 --> 00:41:09,592
It's like, you and your buddy stand there,
hold each other's penis, all right.
722
00:41:09,675 --> 00:41:11,928
First person to let go is gay.
723
00:41:13,638 --> 00:41:16,433
But, if you get an erection,
you're out.
724
00:41:17,767 --> 00:41:20,770
So you got to play offense
and defense, bro.
725
00:41:23,940 --> 00:41:27,485
The worst is when you start catching
their pulse a little.
726
00:41:27,568 --> 00:41:30,863
"Why you pump faking, homie?
You pump faking."
727
00:41:32,407 --> 00:41:35,452
You can't play with the brothers.
You use both hands...
728
00:41:35,534 --> 00:41:37,703
hard on the back, L5-S1.
729
00:41:38,621 --> 00:41:42,375
And you can't play with a Asian guy,
'cause you can't...
730
00:41:42,459 --> 00:41:45,211
You just gotta pinky swear with it.
731
00:41:45,295 --> 00:41:47,922
That's a different game,
that's called "broken promises."
732
00:41:48,631 --> 00:41:50,633
That's for the young bucks.
733
00:41:50,716 --> 00:41:52,677
That's for the young bucks, man.
734
00:41:52,760 --> 00:41:55,763
I was 11-7 in '92 actually.
735
00:41:55,847 --> 00:41:57,265
I was, man.
736
00:41:57,349 --> 00:41:59,017
They shut us down, though.
737
00:42:00,935 --> 00:42:03,146
Too many people watching.
738
00:42:03,229 --> 00:42:04,939
Fire hazard.
739
00:42:08,734 --> 00:42:10,945
I was having a tough time
meeting a good gal,
740
00:42:11,029 --> 00:42:13,948
my buddy said,
"Let me set you up on a blind date."
741
00:42:14,032 --> 00:42:17,535
I said, "All right man,
I can't drive my own life. You drive it."
742
00:42:18,661 --> 00:42:22,790
So, he set me up, and I got there early,
I'm ready to fuck a little.
743
00:42:24,125 --> 00:42:27,795
And I'm just waiting for this girl,
and then finally I see this girl.
744
00:42:27,879 --> 00:42:31,924
I'm like, "Oh, man,
I could've met this bitch myself."
745
00:42:33,134 --> 00:42:36,679
She was busted-looking, okay?
No offense if you're ugly.
746
00:42:36,762 --> 00:42:38,890
But she looked busted-up.
747
00:42:38,973 --> 00:42:41,351
She looked like she been
beaten up by animals.
748
00:42:41,434 --> 00:42:44,603
She been on a new TV show
called Bear Beatings.
749
00:42:44,687 --> 00:42:47,606
It was a two-part episode.
At the end of the first part,
750
00:42:47,690 --> 00:42:51,194
it was like, "Will these bears
continue to beat this bitch?"
751
00:42:51,277 --> 00:42:55,407
And the sequel was like, "These bears
are still beating this bitch!"
752
00:42:55,490 --> 00:42:58,034
I'm not saying
I look like anything special.
753
00:42:58,117 --> 00:43:02,288
I look like Patrick Swayze
and Shrek had a son. Okay?
754
00:43:02,372 --> 00:43:04,790
I look like The Grinch
That Stole Matt Damon.
755
00:43:06,751 --> 00:43:11,214
♪ You're a mean one, Jason Bourne ♪
756
00:43:11,297 --> 00:43:14,926
If you look at me from the side,
I look like I have bit of Down Syndrome.
757
00:43:17,262 --> 00:43:20,639
I can make that joke 'cause I actually
beat Down Syndrome in 1991.
758
00:43:20,723 --> 00:43:23,059
I'm in remission.
Praise God, baby.
759
00:43:24,060 --> 00:43:27,313
Amen.
That's where I'm from, dude.
760
00:43:27,397 --> 00:43:29,899
I'm from a neighborhood where if
you had a handicap,
761
00:43:30,358 --> 00:43:34,153
you better get your shit together,
get back on the street and make money.
762
00:43:34,237 --> 00:43:38,824
Toughest kid I've ever known was this boy
named Dairy, named after the food group.
763
00:43:38,908 --> 00:43:40,868
He was, yogurt and all.
764
00:43:40,952 --> 00:43:43,538
He had Down Syndrome,
wore a Scottie Pippen jersey
765
00:43:43,621 --> 00:43:47,208
and a gold chain every day of his life
and carried a fucking gun, son.
766
00:43:47,292 --> 00:43:49,794
"If he ain't got the money,
then pop, pop.
767
00:43:49,877 --> 00:43:51,045
Pop-pop!"
768
00:43:52,213 --> 00:43:55,508
I'm not joking, dude. He killed
seven pets in our neighborhood one year.
769
00:43:58,052 --> 00:44:00,221
He killed seven pets, bro.
770
00:44:00,305 --> 00:44:02,557
There ain't much you can do
when you got a DS fella
771
00:44:02,640 --> 00:44:04,850
spraying off against animals.
772
00:44:04,934 --> 00:44:07,895
We would call the police. They'd say,
"Y'all can't call us. Call a church.
773
00:44:07,979 --> 00:44:10,856
That boy is out of our jurisdiction,
praise God."
774
00:44:14,319 --> 00:44:18,197
What was I talking about?
Oh, the girl on the date.
775
00:44:18,281 --> 00:44:20,199
So, this girl looked wild, bro.
776
00:44:20,283 --> 00:44:22,577
You know, visually freelance.
777
00:44:23,119 --> 00:44:24,245
Um...
778
00:44:24,329 --> 00:44:26,289
Her eyes were real far apart.
779
00:44:26,372 --> 00:44:28,916
I don't know if that's
a new thing, ladies.
780
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:33,671
I'm old-fashioned, I like more
of a localized face. You know, just...
781
00:44:33,754 --> 00:44:37,675
Just holdin' a little meetin'
by your nose, you know.
782
00:44:37,758 --> 00:44:40,678
Her eyes were just real far apart,
you know,
783
00:44:40,761 --> 00:44:43,722
like she wanted to be greedy
and see everything.
784
00:44:44,932 --> 00:44:48,894
The last second, the Lord just went
"tink" with one of her eyes.
785
00:44:50,021 --> 00:44:54,442
The whole time I'm talking to her,
I don't know which eye to look into.
786
00:44:54,526 --> 00:44:57,362
I'll just look back and forth
into each eye,
787
00:44:57,445 --> 00:45:00,823
like it's a threesome, but it's just us.
788
00:45:00,906 --> 00:45:03,784
"So good to see you--
What the fuck?
789
00:45:03,868 --> 00:45:05,953
Was your daddy a salmon?"
790
00:45:08,373 --> 00:45:11,959
Ladies, if your eyes real far apart,
give your girlfriend an eye marker,
791
00:45:12,043 --> 00:45:15,712
tell her to draw a little more eye
on the inside of each eye.
792
00:45:15,796 --> 00:45:18,299
Or draw a third eye in the middle.
793
00:45:18,383 --> 00:45:21,260
Play "guess which two I'm seeing out of"
with your mans.
794
00:45:21,344 --> 00:45:23,346
Help each other out.
795
00:45:25,806 --> 00:45:28,767
This lady had strong breath, too.
Kinda breath like-- "Whoo!
796
00:45:29,561 --> 00:45:30,853
Kill 'em!"
797
00:45:30,936 --> 00:45:32,522
Strong, bro. Just like--
798
00:45:32,605 --> 00:45:36,484
Like one of her lungs hooked
to her asshole. You're like, "Come on now.
799
00:45:36,568 --> 00:45:38,194
Come on, Jannie, you're talking booty."
800
00:45:39,987 --> 00:45:41,447
Strong, bro.
801
00:45:41,531 --> 00:45:43,282
Made me nervous.
802
00:45:43,366 --> 00:45:46,452
Ladies, if your friend have strong breath,
you have a responsibility.
803
00:45:46,536 --> 00:45:49,163
Get a little handful of mints
or cinnamons.
804
00:45:49,247 --> 00:45:53,042
Run by your friend,
throw them at her face like that.
805
00:45:53,125 --> 00:45:56,671
Or be more secretive about it,
like that. Okay?
806
00:45:56,753 --> 00:45:58,881
See if some get in her face holes.
807
00:45:58,964 --> 00:46:00,925
Or get a syringe full of peppermint,
808
00:46:01,008 --> 00:46:04,220
sneak up behind Smokey,
Dexter her in the neck.
809
00:46:04,303 --> 00:46:08,266
Start at the roots, work your way up.
Help each other out, ladies.
810
00:46:10,727 --> 00:46:13,396
Teamwork makes the dream work, okay?
811
00:46:14,771 --> 00:46:19,736
This girl had a big head on her, too.
She real, real, real extra-headed.
812
00:46:19,818 --> 00:46:22,572
I'm old-fashioned,
I like a regular-headed woman.
813
00:46:22,655 --> 00:46:24,657
I like a basic think piece.
814
00:46:26,367 --> 00:46:28,369
She was real extra-headed,
815
00:46:28,453 --> 00:46:32,498
like her neck had been
in a go-catch-something-big contest.
816
00:46:32,582 --> 00:46:35,042
Hurry, you're missing all the big stuff!
817
00:46:35,126 --> 00:46:37,712
Like the Lord had taken
her regular head off
818
00:46:37,794 --> 00:46:41,758
and dipped it in some breading
and then put it back on her neck.
819
00:46:41,840 --> 00:46:43,468
Made me nervous, man.
820
00:46:43,551 --> 00:46:46,262
Why is my buddy even setting me up
with a big-headed girl?
821
00:46:46,345 --> 00:46:49,098
I already have a big head.
What are we supposed to do?
822
00:46:49,181 --> 00:46:51,016
Have a big-headed little child?
823
00:46:51,100 --> 00:46:54,604
Can't even lift his beautiful
little bitty big-ass head.
824
00:46:54,687 --> 00:46:56,855
It's too heavy for his body
to get off the ground.
825
00:46:56,939 --> 00:47:00,401
He gotta learn to crawl side to side,
around it.
826
00:47:00,485 --> 00:47:03,321
He gotta play a clock
in all the school plays.
827
00:47:05,698 --> 00:47:09,076
Don't hook somebody up with the same shit
they already have.
828
00:47:09,160 --> 00:47:13,581
If you got a one-legged friend, don't hook
him up with another one-legged friend.
829
00:47:13,665 --> 00:47:14,666
What do think?
830
00:47:14,749 --> 00:47:18,961
They're just gonna lean against
each other somewhere where it's level?
831
00:47:19,044 --> 00:47:23,341
Fuck no, man! Two people
need at least three legs!
832
00:47:23,424 --> 00:47:26,927
Look at a leg chart, you animals!
833
00:47:30,389 --> 00:47:34,185
And ladies, if you got a big head,
work your head out.
834
00:47:35,269 --> 00:47:38,022
Do some laps around yourself, like that.
835
00:47:40,817 --> 00:47:44,153
Put on some head Spanx.
Spank your head up.
836
00:47:45,070 --> 00:47:46,489
Spank your head up, mama.
837
00:47:46,572 --> 00:47:49,575
I don't know if you guys know
what a Spanx are, it's a special suit
838
00:47:49,659 --> 00:47:52,077
they made for the ladies.
I think the Germans made it.
839
00:47:52,161 --> 00:47:55,498
It pushes all their body
into their shoes, okay?
840
00:47:56,499 --> 00:47:58,668
I call it "cramouflage."
841
00:48:00,127 --> 00:48:02,714
But we don't notice that,
we just see the "ba-bow."
842
00:48:02,797 --> 00:48:05,758
We don't see these tug boots,
carryin' the rest of 'em.
843
00:48:05,842 --> 00:48:12,515
Like-- [boat-like sounds]
844
00:48:12,598 --> 00:48:15,934
Goin' to the club.
[boat sounds]
845
00:48:16,018 --> 00:48:18,103
We just see the "ba-bow," you know?
846
00:48:18,187 --> 00:48:21,691
Look like a sweet little vase
you wanna put all your dick flowers in.
847
00:48:23,359 --> 00:48:25,737
Then you get her home,
you crack off these Spanx,
848
00:48:25,820 --> 00:48:28,698
it's like opening up
a can of refrigerator biscuits.
849
00:48:28,781 --> 00:48:33,828
Like-- [popping]
850
00:48:42,169 --> 00:48:45,214
Like, "I-I'm just gonna jerk off
in the can.
851
00:48:46,131 --> 00:48:48,885
I'm tired, I got a headache.
852
00:48:48,967 --> 00:48:52,680
My headache's tired.
I love you."
853
00:48:57,059 --> 00:48:59,186
But we hooked up. Uh...
854
00:49:01,230 --> 00:49:04,108
Sometimes you gotta take one for the team,
855
00:49:04,191 --> 00:49:06,527
even if you was a free agent.
856
00:49:06,611 --> 00:49:09,488
We hooked up, actually
I was worried I mighta got her pregnant
857
00:49:09,572 --> 00:49:11,574
'cause the birth control
I was using,
858
00:49:11,657 --> 00:49:12,658
aim...
859
00:49:14,201 --> 00:49:16,454
doesn't always work so well, you know.
860
00:49:16,537 --> 00:49:19,998
I didn't want to have a baby with her,
'cause I don't even know her,
861
00:49:20,082 --> 00:49:21,709
which should hold up in court.
862
00:49:21,793 --> 00:49:26,255
"Yes, Your Honor, this is our boy,
Headrick, but I don't know her."
863
00:49:27,590 --> 00:49:30,008
Second of all, I didn't wanna have
a baby with her.
864
00:49:30,092 --> 00:49:32,678
This is kind of vain.
She had, like, a crazy tooth.
865
00:49:32,762 --> 00:49:35,556
You ever meet somebody
that have, like, a crazy tooth?
866
00:49:35,640 --> 00:49:39,852
Like way up here. Like it auditioned
to be a horn, but didn't get it.
867
00:49:40,227 --> 00:49:43,230
Way up here. Like, they smile
and then smile again,
868
00:49:43,314 --> 00:49:45,316
and you're like, "What the fuck?
869
00:49:45,399 --> 00:49:47,902
Where'd your grill get a balcony?"
870
00:49:47,984 --> 00:49:52,030
Just way up here, hiding in the attic
like John Wilkes Tooth,
871
00:49:52,114 --> 00:49:55,451
just ready to fuckin' pop out
and murder the president, son.
872
00:49:55,534 --> 00:49:58,203
Murder! Murder!
873
00:49:58,913 --> 00:50:01,874
And I didn't want our first baby
to have a special tooth
874
00:50:01,958 --> 00:50:05,336
sprouting out of his neck or back,
little Shark Week-er.
875
00:50:06,002 --> 00:50:09,590
Only get himself a job with the carnival,
working in a cage at night
876
00:50:09,674 --> 00:50:12,050
opening up mail off
his sharpened head tooth,
877
00:50:12,134 --> 00:50:15,304
doing special shows for businessmen.
878
00:50:18,724 --> 00:50:21,101
My boy ain't workin' in no cage.
879
00:50:26,273 --> 00:50:27,817
So we hooked up and...
880
00:50:28,985 --> 00:50:31,445
afterwards we're just layin' there,
me and her.
881
00:50:31,529 --> 00:50:33,865
Two children of the Lord,
done ate the apple.
882
00:50:34,866 --> 00:50:37,743
I'm kissing her on her neck up in here,
where all the sweet is,
883
00:50:37,827 --> 00:50:39,578
right here on the sugar shelf.
884
00:50:40,036 --> 00:50:43,958
Just rubbing my hand on her like this,
just being real natural.
885
00:50:46,460 --> 00:50:49,714
Like a gentleman.
Like a little husband.
886
00:50:49,797 --> 00:50:54,927
Just like a little handicapped fellow
petting a scared sheep. You know, just...
887
00:50:55,011 --> 00:50:58,639
"You quit shaking, Daisy,
that's just a storm coming, you see.
888
00:50:58,723 --> 00:51:02,058
You just keep growing your wool out,
my little mitten-maker.
889
00:51:02,142 --> 00:51:03,769
You want more Apple Jacks,
don't you?
890
00:51:03,853 --> 00:51:07,857
Don't you want more of daddy's
Apple Jacks, my little lady angel?"
891
00:51:08,941 --> 00:51:10,568
Just being real chill with her.
892
00:51:12,403 --> 00:51:14,446
And then I said,
"Are you on birth control?"
893
00:51:14,530 --> 00:51:17,992
She said no,
and that's when I got real nervous.
894
00:51:18,074 --> 00:51:21,077
Kind of felt like my heart
had to take a shit.
895
00:51:23,121 --> 00:51:25,958
And then I was like,
"If you had a baby, would you keep it,
896
00:51:26,042 --> 00:51:29,045
and would it be okay
if I just wrote y'all letters?"
897
00:51:29,127 --> 00:51:31,756
'Cause women love getting mail.
898
00:51:31,839 --> 00:51:34,008
And she goes,
"Actually, I can't conceive."
899
00:51:34,090 --> 00:51:37,720
And that's when I started running around
the room high-fiving shit.
900
00:51:37,803 --> 00:51:41,933
Just cheap shit she had on the walls,
like pictures of her family at the beach.
901
00:51:42,016 --> 00:51:45,770
She's like, "Calm down, it's real sad.
I've had two miscarriages."
902
00:51:45,853 --> 00:51:47,980
And that is very sad.
If somebody says that,
903
00:51:48,064 --> 00:51:51,609
you're supposed
to hug them or buy them a plant.
904
00:51:52,443 --> 00:51:55,071
When you're a comedian,
you don't think like that.
905
00:51:55,153 --> 00:51:57,573
The devil trying to get your brain.
906
00:51:57,656 --> 00:52:00,618
You say things you shouldn't say,
'cause the words go from your brain
907
00:52:00,701 --> 00:52:03,579
right out of your mouth,
not through your heart first.
908
00:52:03,662 --> 00:52:05,915
I was like,
"You've had two miscarriages?
909
00:52:05,998 --> 00:52:09,668
I feel lucky my penis lived
after it was in there."
910
00:52:22,723 --> 00:52:24,767
So that's what I've been doing.
911
00:52:27,311 --> 00:52:28,604
They're just jokes, people!
912
00:52:30,481 --> 00:52:32,108
It can't all be funny.
913
00:52:33,109 --> 00:52:34,735
It can't all be funny.
914
00:52:40,783 --> 00:52:43,577
And the Jews are clogging up the Internet.
915
00:52:47,706 --> 00:52:49,207
That's all for that.
916
00:52:53,045 --> 00:52:55,673
I think it was easier to meet a woman
like in the old days.
917
00:52:55,756 --> 00:53:00,260
I don't know how old some of you are,
but maybe the 1800s or whatever.
918
00:53:00,344 --> 00:53:03,597
Back then, you just walked out
of your house, if you were a man,
919
00:53:03,681 --> 00:53:06,684
hundreds of miles if you had to,
till you saw any woman,
920
00:53:06,767 --> 00:53:08,936
and you just started
walking back with her.
921
00:53:09,020 --> 00:53:10,646
She's like, "Where are we going?"
922
00:53:10,729 --> 00:53:12,773
You're like, "To the rest of your life."
923
00:53:13,482 --> 00:53:15,860
And that was a relationship.
924
00:53:15,943 --> 00:53:18,863
And if she got out of line,
you took her on a warning hike.
925
00:53:20,280 --> 00:53:23,784
And I'm not saying it was perfect,
I'm just saying that it worked.
926
00:53:24,535 --> 00:53:26,662
And the man went out
and did the world work.
927
00:53:26,745 --> 00:53:29,373
The woman stayed at home
and took care of family work.
928
00:53:29,456 --> 00:53:33,460
I don't think it was ideal for anybody,
but the kids were fat, the cat was fed.
929
00:53:33,544 --> 00:53:35,963
You got home, your wife
was there with the mail,
930
00:53:36,047 --> 00:53:38,090
like, "Tell me what the mail says!"
931
00:53:40,509 --> 00:53:44,930
And I'm not saying it was perfect.
I'm just saying that it worked.
932
00:53:45,014 --> 00:53:48,517
And then women started
wanting to do everything.
933
00:53:48,600 --> 00:53:51,603
"We wanna chew gum,
we wanna wear hats,
934
00:53:51,687 --> 00:53:54,982
we wanna drive big rigs,
we wanna CrossFit."
935
00:53:56,067 --> 00:53:58,861
"CrossFittin'?
What the fuck are y'all doing?
936
00:53:58,944 --> 00:54:02,322
Y'all are doing chin-ups
in an abandoned shed all morning?
937
00:54:02,406 --> 00:54:05,241
We're fucking starving at the house.
938
00:54:05,325 --> 00:54:07,536
Our boy can't read.
939
00:54:08,579 --> 00:54:11,123
And you're worried about muscle density?
940
00:54:11,623 --> 00:54:14,292
When I married you, you had an ass.
Now you got glutes?
941
00:54:14,376 --> 00:54:16,545
What are glutes?
942
00:54:16,628 --> 00:54:20,007
Don't make that thing
any harder for daddy to get into."
943
00:54:22,384 --> 00:54:25,429
And now they have a hundred machines
at the gym for women.
944
00:54:25,512 --> 00:54:28,348
And now y'all probably
feel obligated to use them all.
945
00:54:28,432 --> 00:54:31,476
When I was young, they had
four machines at the gym for ladies,
946
00:54:31,560 --> 00:54:33,562
and three of them were stoves.
947
00:54:35,231 --> 00:54:39,401
"I'm gonna do chest and tris.
Why don't you do that manicotti we love?"
948
00:54:41,445 --> 00:54:45,281
And I'm not saying it was perfect.
I'm saying that it worked.
949
00:54:46,784 --> 00:54:48,786
Here's what I really believe, ladies.
950
00:54:48,869 --> 00:54:52,998
A lot of relationships don't work anymore
because opposites attract.
951
00:54:53,082 --> 00:54:55,500
Ladies feel like
they have to do everything.
952
00:54:55,584 --> 00:54:57,502
Gotta feel like a ton of pressure.
953
00:54:57,586 --> 00:55:00,296
But if y'all are doing
all the women's and men's stuff,
954
00:55:00,380 --> 00:55:02,216
what the fuck
are we supposed to do?
955
00:55:02,298 --> 00:55:07,846
I have on facial moisturizer right now.
I don't know what's going on.
956
00:55:07,930 --> 00:55:12,392
You got women doin' dead lifts all day,
wondering why they don't have a boyfriend.
957
00:55:12,476 --> 00:55:14,310
'Cause you're it.
958
00:55:16,021 --> 00:55:20,192
I don't wanna hug a woman
and come in second!
959
00:55:20,276 --> 00:55:22,527
You gotta be the lady.
Put down the barbells.
960
00:55:22,611 --> 00:55:24,238
Pick up some flowers, look lost.
961
00:55:24,320 --> 00:55:27,491
You'll have a boyfriend in five minutes.
962
00:55:34,081 --> 00:55:36,167
We gotta stay in our own lanes.
963
00:55:36,250 --> 00:55:38,543
The irony is we have enough
in common, ladies.
964
00:55:38,627 --> 00:55:42,006
Women are always like,
"You men look good into your sixties.
965
00:55:42,089 --> 00:55:45,926
We start falling apart in our thirties."
That's bullshit.
966
00:55:46,010 --> 00:55:48,137
That's bullshit, man.
967
00:55:48,220 --> 00:55:52,266
I'm in my 30s. My hip clicks
for the first hour of every day.
968
00:55:52,348 --> 00:55:55,727
Just... [clicking]
969
00:55:55,811 --> 00:55:59,606
For no reason at all, I have a mating call
for women with osteoporosis
970
00:55:59,690 --> 00:56:03,485
built into my body. Okay?
971
00:56:03,568 --> 00:56:07,198
My body used to be separate parts.
Remember that, guys?
972
00:56:07,281 --> 00:56:09,700
When your shoulder
was separate from this,
973
00:56:09,783 --> 00:56:11,827
when your ass was separate
from whatever that is,
974
00:56:11,910 --> 00:56:14,454
when your stomach was separate
from your chest.
975
00:56:14,538 --> 00:56:19,668
Now it's like I'm living in a fat-muscle
onesie I can't find the zipper to.
976
00:56:19,751 --> 00:56:22,921
"Do you like my arm-leg-backceps?"
977
00:56:24,882 --> 00:56:26,591
I got gray hair. Is that scary?
978
00:56:26,675 --> 00:56:30,512
Yeah, ladies, that means
my head is dying.
979
00:56:30,595 --> 00:56:32,597
And the first thousand gray hairs,
980
00:56:32,681 --> 00:56:35,100
they don't grow in cool
like part of the hair party,
981
00:56:35,184 --> 00:56:38,645
they grow in all fuckin' crazy and swirly,
like they're on dope.
982
00:56:38,729 --> 00:56:40,356
Like they're crack hairs,
983
00:56:40,438 --> 00:56:44,568
like, "Damn, dog,
I'll suck your dick for some shampoo.
984
00:56:45,569 --> 00:56:47,571
Just comb me, homie."
985
00:56:50,406 --> 00:56:53,618
My nuts look different.
I used to have beautiful nuts.
986
00:56:53,702 --> 00:56:56,412
If I had my old nuts,
I'd bring them right to you,
987
00:56:56,496 --> 00:57:00,334
you could pass 'em to your friend and get
a look, get a snap with your phone.
988
00:57:00,416 --> 00:57:02,711
They was gorgeous.
Beautiful little nuts.
989
00:57:02,794 --> 00:57:05,381
Looked like the Lord
had one Christmas ornament,
990
00:57:05,463 --> 00:57:07,258
just hung it on my "D" branch,
991
00:57:07,341 --> 00:57:09,176
and went back to the Lord castle.
992
00:57:10,802 --> 00:57:12,137
And they were concise nuts.
993
00:57:12,221 --> 00:57:14,472
One had a good idea
and was telling the other.
994
00:57:14,556 --> 00:57:16,433
The other one loved
his buddy's idea,
995
00:57:16,516 --> 00:57:19,144
and they was hugging
and listening to Cat Stevens.
996
00:57:21,272 --> 00:57:23,732
And they were naturally-tanned nuts.
997
00:57:23,815 --> 00:57:26,443
And I never took my nuts in the sun
'cause I'm with Christ,
998
00:57:26,526 --> 00:57:27,945
I don't do that kind of shit.
999
00:57:28,028 --> 00:57:30,364
Naturally tanned,
like angels came at night
1000
00:57:30,447 --> 00:57:32,824
and just painted my nuts
with tanned paint,
1001
00:57:32,908 --> 00:57:35,327
like the Sistine Nutsack.
1002
00:57:37,413 --> 00:57:42,334
Now, my nuts look like somebody else
been using 'em when I'm not around.
1003
00:57:42,418 --> 00:57:44,044
Like I got timeshare nuts.
1004
00:57:44,128 --> 00:57:46,213
Like, "Who didn't take care of these?
1005
00:57:46,297 --> 00:57:48,966
I bet it was the Thompsons,
check the log!"
1006
00:57:51,593 --> 00:57:53,720
We're falling apart too, ladies.
1007
00:57:53,804 --> 00:57:57,975
I gotta pinch my penis when I fart
so it doesn't drip a little.
1008
00:57:58,058 --> 00:58:01,937
And that ain't a disease I have,
that's every man in here
1009
00:58:02,020 --> 00:58:03,981
over the age of thirty.
1010
00:58:04,064 --> 00:58:06,358
When you see your husband
in the hallway like this,
1011
00:58:06,442 --> 00:58:09,903
you're like, "Are you having a stroke?"
He's like, "I'm trying to fart!"
1012
00:58:13,449 --> 00:58:15,492
We're falling apart too, man.
1013
00:58:15,575 --> 00:58:18,662
I shit myself last year.
I'll tell you about it, bro.
1014
00:58:18,745 --> 00:58:20,664
I ain't above nothing.
1015
00:58:20,747 --> 00:58:23,459
I shit myself last year.
I was driving my car,
1016
00:58:23,541 --> 00:58:26,837
and I wasn't driving to a fancy,
shit-yourself meet-up group.
1017
00:58:26,920 --> 00:58:30,382
I was just driving,
and I reached to put the window down,
1018
00:58:30,466 --> 00:58:34,386
and I don't know what button I hit,
but I shit myself.
1019
00:58:34,470 --> 00:58:38,140
'Cause you can't trust
a fart after 29, that's why.
1020
00:58:38,223 --> 00:58:42,311
I used to be young and fart with both
my eyes open like a ass gangster.
1021
00:58:42,394 --> 00:58:45,563
[blowing air]
1022
00:58:45,689 --> 00:58:48,484
Now, I gotta keep one eye closed.
1023
00:58:48,566 --> 00:58:50,568
Keeping watch on the inside.
1024
00:58:53,364 --> 00:58:56,908
'Cause you will shit
your sweet Christian self.
1025
00:58:59,744 --> 00:59:03,915
I look more forward to the fart after sex
than I do to sex itself.
1026
00:59:03,999 --> 00:59:06,960
I was dating this gal for a while,
and she had a little cat,
1027
00:59:07,044 --> 00:59:10,172
would be always in the kitchen
waiting for free meats and shit.
1028
00:59:10,255 --> 00:59:11,673
Little Democat.
1029
00:59:12,341 --> 00:59:15,469
And I'd be back in the room,
just going at it,
1030
00:59:15,552 --> 00:59:18,680
like two trains trying to pass
each other on the same track,
1031
00:59:18,763 --> 00:59:20,765
but the whole time I'm thinking,
"When I get done,
1032
00:59:20,849 --> 00:59:23,643
I'm-a go in the kitchen
and fart on that cat.
1033
00:59:23,727 --> 00:59:26,938
That's the pussy that's really gonna
get it here tonight.
1034
00:59:28,440 --> 00:59:30,275
That little asshole."
1035
00:59:31,026 --> 00:59:34,321
We're falling apart too, ladies.
Put down the dumbbells.
1036
00:59:34,405 --> 00:59:36,614
Pick up some flowers, look lost.
1037
00:59:39,117 --> 00:59:40,327
It'll all work out.
1038
00:59:42,329 --> 00:59:44,456
'Cause I think I want to have a child.
1039
00:59:44,540 --> 00:59:46,750
You got any child?
What you got?
1040
00:59:46,833 --> 00:59:49,253
[man] A little girl, and one in the oven.
1041
00:59:49,336 --> 00:59:52,297
You got one in the oven, huh?
Hell, yeah, boy, get in there.
1042
00:59:55,551 --> 00:59:57,344
I'm thinking of having a child.
1043
00:59:57,428 --> 01:00:01,432
I gotta get a girlfriend first, but...
I think I want a child.
1044
01:00:01,515 --> 01:00:04,226
I just want something
to be at home when I'm not there.
1045
01:00:08,605 --> 01:00:12,025
But a lot of these kids are
bitches these days, man, you know?
1046
01:00:12,109 --> 01:00:14,445
Name seven kids that aren't bitches, bro.
1047
01:00:15,529 --> 01:00:17,364
Yeah, nobody can.
1048
01:00:17,448 --> 01:00:19,908
If they had a tall box right here
with a kid in it,
1049
01:00:19,991 --> 01:00:23,579
I'd be like, "What's in here?
A little bitch, that's what."
1050
01:00:23,661 --> 01:00:27,332
'Cause they got it too easy man.
These kids have no struggle.
1051
01:00:27,416 --> 01:00:31,420
We had struggle,
these kids have vaccinations. Come on.
1052
01:00:31,503 --> 01:00:33,922
When I was young,
you caught what you caught.
1053
01:00:34,005 --> 01:00:35,424
Everybody had something.
1054
01:00:35,507 --> 01:00:39,052
Rubella, lockjaw, we all
had a little bit of polio, remember?
1055
01:00:39,844 --> 01:00:43,599
I had a friend who had a fuckin' arm
growing out of his back, Larry Armback.
1056
01:00:44,391 --> 01:00:46,726
Got a great job as a crossing guard.
1057
01:00:46,810 --> 01:00:50,355
He could have been an Olympic swimmer,
but he had a skin condition.
1058
01:00:50,439 --> 01:00:53,150
He was black. So...
1059
01:00:53,233 --> 01:00:55,569
Oh, whatever, dude.
1060
01:00:55,652 --> 01:00:59,323
You can put 20 arms on a brother,
he ain't gonna wanna get in the deep end.
1061
01:01:03,410 --> 01:01:06,371
Kids are calling the cops
on their parents, man.
1062
01:01:06,455 --> 01:01:09,874
What? Back in the day
if you called the cops on your parents,
1063
01:01:09,958 --> 01:01:12,169
the cops would
get your parents on the phone
1064
01:01:12,252 --> 01:01:15,422
and tell your parents to beat yo' ass.
1065
01:01:21,178 --> 01:01:24,889
My mother used to whoop my ass.
I didn't think she lived with us.
1066
01:01:27,017 --> 01:01:30,562
She whooped me so bad one time,
I couldn't put clothes on my skin.
1067
01:01:30,646 --> 01:01:34,441
My buddy's like, "You're naked!"
I'm like, "But I'm behavin'!
1068
01:01:35,484 --> 01:01:38,278
This is my behavior outfit.
1069
01:01:38,362 --> 01:01:39,988
Now quit lookin' at my dick."
1070
01:01:44,660 --> 01:01:46,870
What if I have a dumb kid?
I worry about that.
1071
01:01:46,953 --> 01:01:49,080
I fucked some dumb girls, man.
1072
01:01:49,164 --> 01:01:52,626
One of them hatches something,
now I got to raise that.
1073
01:01:52,709 --> 01:01:56,421
I can't imagine my whole life just hugging
some kid, pretending he ain't dumb,
1074
01:01:56,505 --> 01:01:58,048
and knowing he's dumb.
1075
01:01:58,131 --> 01:02:00,967
Like, "Aw, everything's gonna be fine,
man."
1076
01:02:04,596 --> 01:02:06,348
That's got to be the worst, man.
1077
01:02:06,431 --> 01:02:08,933
We shouldn't let dumb people
have kids, man.
1078
01:02:09,017 --> 01:02:10,768
We wouldn't have that problem.
1079
01:02:10,852 --> 01:02:14,189
If you don't graduate high school,
you shouldn't get to have a kid.
1080
01:02:14,272 --> 01:02:17,942
How you gonna raise a kid?
You couldn't raise a "F" to a "D."
1081
01:02:20,362 --> 01:02:24,157
The problem is we circumcise
the wrong part of the boy.
1082
01:02:24,241 --> 01:02:27,952
We keep slipping off the turtleneck,
we need to take the nuts.
1083
01:02:28,036 --> 01:02:30,664
Give 'em back to him
when he graduates high school.
1084
01:02:30,747 --> 01:02:33,875
"Congratulations, ladies and gentlemen,
it's a wonderful day.
1085
01:02:33,958 --> 01:02:36,461
Ladies, move your tassels
from left to the right.
1086
01:02:36,545 --> 01:02:38,213
Men, you can pick your tassels up
1087
01:02:38,296 --> 01:02:41,299
from that cardboard box
on the way out of the auditorium."
1088
01:02:44,844 --> 01:02:47,264
Some of you ladies need to quit having
eight kids
1089
01:02:47,347 --> 01:02:49,182
before we know
what your first kid is like.
1090
01:02:49,266 --> 01:02:52,227
You see a woman got seven kids
all under the age of five.
1091
01:02:52,310 --> 01:02:54,563
Like, "How did you even fuckin' do that?
1092
01:02:54,646 --> 01:02:56,773
You ain't a woman, you a wizard."
1093
01:02:57,857 --> 01:02:59,817
From now on, you get one kid.
1094
01:02:59,901 --> 01:03:01,528
We check on his ass at six.
1095
01:03:01,612 --> 01:03:04,114
If he ain't shit, you don't get
any more fuckin' kids.
1096
01:03:04,197 --> 01:03:06,783
Why? 'Cause the first one ain't shit.
1097
01:03:08,410 --> 01:03:12,080
Sick of this bullshit
in this country, man.
1098
01:03:12,163 --> 01:03:14,666
Sick of it, bro.
We gotta get rid of some people.
1099
01:03:14,750 --> 01:03:17,544
I don't know if I want
to bring a child into this world.
1100
01:03:17,628 --> 01:03:19,713
There's some straight creeps
out there, dawg.
1101
01:03:19,796 --> 01:03:21,839
Some straight lurkers.
1102
01:03:22,674 --> 01:03:25,843
If you're over the age of 30
and you still skateboard,
1103
01:03:25,927 --> 01:03:28,513
who the fuck are you, dude?
1104
01:03:28,597 --> 01:03:30,766
Not Tony Hawk, that's who.
1105
01:03:30,848 --> 01:03:33,810
Jacking up my insurance premiums, sir.
1106
01:03:34,686 --> 01:03:36,563
Now get the fuck out.
1107
01:03:36,647 --> 01:03:40,358
If you wear camouflage but you ain't
in the woods or in the military,
1108
01:03:40,442 --> 01:03:41,859
who you hiding from?
1109
01:03:43,069 --> 01:03:44,988
From looking decent, that's who.
1110
01:03:45,071 --> 01:03:48,241
Operation Desert Dumb Ass.
Now put on an acceptable pattern,
1111
01:03:48,325 --> 01:03:49,909
or get the fuck out.
1112
01:03:51,161 --> 01:03:54,414
If you wear sunglasses
while you work out at the gym,
1113
01:03:54,498 --> 01:03:57,125
are you serious?
1114
01:03:57,208 --> 01:04:00,796
You look like a blind person
that's good at shit.
1115
01:04:00,878 --> 01:04:04,048
Only two men ever looked good
in sweat and sunglasses,
1116
01:04:04,132 --> 01:04:07,427
that's Fidel Castro
and the late Macho Man Randy Savage.
1117
01:04:07,511 --> 01:04:11,723
So why don't you snap into a slim piece
of advice and get the fuck out?
1118
01:04:12,932 --> 01:04:14,643
If you sleep with the TV on,
1119
01:04:14,726 --> 01:04:18,021
and wonder why you have
attention deficit disorder.
1120
01:04:18,104 --> 01:04:21,441
I don't know, probably because
you sleep with the TV on!
1121
01:04:21,525 --> 01:04:24,319
Shut it off and get some shut-eye
or get out.
1122
01:04:28,281 --> 01:04:32,369
Asian people who are driving,
no more driving.
1123
01:04:32,452 --> 01:04:36,289
I know it's cliché,
but the trial period has to be over, man.
1124
01:04:36,373 --> 01:04:38,375
They can't drive, dude.
1125
01:04:39,710 --> 01:04:41,503
No more driving, okay?
1126
01:04:41,586 --> 01:04:45,423
I don't Cirque du Soleil
'cause I can't Cirque du Soleil.
1127
01:04:45,507 --> 01:04:48,259
We shouldn't just be doing shit
just because.
1128
01:04:48,343 --> 01:04:52,930
So park it, Asians, and invent
the hoverboard I know you know how to make
1129
01:04:52,972 --> 01:04:55,099
'cause I can see it in your eyes...
1130
01:04:55,183 --> 01:04:57,185
or get the fuck out!
1131
01:04:57,728 --> 01:05:01,356
Thick people that's hoggin'
all the wheelchairs at the airport.
1132
01:05:01,439 --> 01:05:05,861
And I ain't sayin' it's sistas,
but I ain't sayin' it ain't.
1133
01:05:05,943 --> 01:05:10,073
Disabled Staff Sergent So-and-So,
who lost his legs in Afghanistan,
1134
01:05:10,156 --> 01:05:12,409
gotta elbow-crawl to make his connection
1135
01:05:12,492 --> 01:05:14,911
'cause Mama Bear
is hogging all the assistance.
1136
01:05:14,994 --> 01:05:18,498
Park it and walk if off, Loqshwanda,
or get out. Okay?
1137
01:05:19,916 --> 01:05:21,042
Persian people.
1138
01:05:22,043 --> 01:05:23,461
Get out, bro.
1139
01:05:24,838 --> 01:05:29,133
Nobody likes you guys, man.
Sorry to be the messenger.
1140
01:05:29,217 --> 01:05:32,262
If you guys were offended
by anything I said tonight,
1141
01:05:32,345 --> 01:05:33,971
get the fuck out, son!
1142
01:05:34,055 --> 01:05:37,225
I'm Theo Von, thank you guys very much
for comin' out tonight.
1143
01:05:37,308 --> 01:05:38,852
[applause]
1144
01:05:39,728 --> 01:05:40,729
Thank you.
1145
01:05:43,064 --> 01:05:44,482
Thank you very much.
1146
01:05:45,024 --> 01:05:45,901
[rap music]
1147
01:05:50,697 --> 01:05:51,989
[Theo] Thank you!
96587
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