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1
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He was offensive.
2
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He was obnoxious.
3
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He was disgusting.
4
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Do you want me to go on?
5
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Woman: Yes.
6
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Once he wanted me to approve a contest
7
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where he would give a new toilet
8
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to the listener with the largest bowel movement.
9
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On the air.
10
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I mean, you can imagine the logistics of that.
11
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Howard stern:
You know, when I look back on this moment in my life,
12
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I really wanted it to work.
13
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I wanted this to be the biggest moment
14
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in the history of entertainment.
I'm not kidding.
15
00:01:18,904 --> 00:01:21,871
I wanted everyone to wake up the next morning
16
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talking about me, Howard stern.
17
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That's the kind of thinking, though,
18
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that usually gets me into trouble.
19
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John stamos:
I'm here to introduce the next presenter.
20
00:01:32,415 --> 00:01:35,649
Believe me, a lot of people refused to introduce this guy,
21
00:01:35,651 --> 00:01:36,549
but, uh...
22
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Is this safe?
23
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When you drop, don't spin around
24
00:01:40,287 --> 00:01:41,753
or the wires get screwed up.
25
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[Gasps]
26
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radio waves high above America...
27
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[Crowd cheers]
28
00:01:47,592 --> 00:01:48,757
It's a bird...
29
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I'm making such a mistake.
30
00:01:50,894 --> 00:01:52,493
It's a plane...
31
00:01:52,495 --> 00:01:56,897
No, it's fartman!
32
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Howard: Behold, I am fartman.
33
00:02:00,935 --> 00:02:03,902
Behold, the greatness that is me.
34
00:02:03,904 --> 00:02:07,639
The mightiest of superheroes.
35
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My ass has power!
36
00:02:10,477 --> 00:02:11,642
Screw superman.
37
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I am fartman.
Fartman rules.
38
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Fartman.
39
00:02:17,883 --> 00:02:19,816
Fartman!
40
00:02:24,756 --> 00:02:28,758
And now, in an extraordinary display of my powers,
41
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I will show you something so marvelous.
42
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Behold.
43
00:02:33,264 --> 00:02:35,230
[Passes gas]
44
00:02:38,735 --> 00:02:44,972
Stamos: The lovely and talented fartman,
ladies and gentlemen.
45
00:02:52,748 --> 00:02:55,615
Howard: I got to tell you,
with all this carrying on,
46
00:02:55,617 --> 00:02:56,816
I mean, the way they were screaming,
47
00:02:56,818 --> 00:02:58,617
at first I really thought I'd won them over.
48
00:02:58,619 --> 00:03:02,554
I thought I was the Beatles on ed Sullivan or something.
49
00:03:02,556 --> 00:03:03,555
Oh, shock...
50
00:03:03,557 --> 00:03:05,456
But did my fellow artists appreciate
51
00:03:05,458 --> 00:03:09,326
the comedically ironic aspect of my new superhero character?
52
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No. They just thought I was an idiot.
53
00:03:11,630 --> 00:03:16,599
You know, most of these people are Satan-worshipping junkies.
54
00:03:18,970 --> 00:03:22,471
Hey, look, all I want is for my artistic courage
55
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to be an inspiration to others.
56
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Instead, I'm a joke.
57
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Excuse me.
I didn't mean to interrupt.
58
00:03:31,580 --> 00:03:32,512
Embarrassed.
59
00:03:32,514 --> 00:03:35,314
See, that's when I came to a profound realization...
60
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everything I do is misunderstood.
61
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Haah!
62
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Everything I do is misunderstood.
63
00:03:42,388 --> 00:03:44,521
I mean, think about what a burden that is.
64
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What a thing to go through life with.
65
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All I'm trying to do is be funny,
66
00:03:48,760 --> 00:03:52,495
and I end up feeling like an asshole.
67
00:03:52,497 --> 00:03:55,498
What a fucking jerk.
68
00:03:59,370 --> 00:04:01,837
Howard, it was a home run.
69
00:04:01,839 --> 00:04:02,637
You think so?
70
00:04:02,639 --> 00:04:04,939
Absolutely.
And when you said,
71
00:04:04,941 --> 00:04:06,941
"all of Hollywood can kiss my ass,"
72
00:04:06,943 --> 00:04:10,911
you had every teenager in the country eating out of your hand.
73
00:04:10,913 --> 00:04:15,315
My guess is we'll get coverage from 200, maybe 300...
74
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[Aria playing]
75
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Howard.
76
00:04:30,597 --> 00:04:32,630
Howard...
Here's your ticket.
77
00:04:32,632 --> 00:04:36,333
Ok? Now call me as soon as you get to New York, will you?
78
00:04:36,335 --> 00:04:38,668
Yo, fartman.
Love you, man.
79
00:04:38,670 --> 00:04:39,068
Thanks.
80
00:04:39,070 --> 00:04:42,438
All right. So getting back to what I was talking about...
81
00:04:42,440 --> 00:04:46,642
more than anything, I'd like the public to appreciate me.
82
00:04:46,644 --> 00:04:50,479
No, forget that.
I want them to love me...
83
00:04:50,481 --> 00:04:52,080
not the myth, but the man.
84
00:04:52,082 --> 00:04:53,714
The real Howard.
85
00:04:53,716 --> 00:04:55,982
Let me demonstrate my point.
86
00:04:55,984 --> 00:04:56,615
Thank you.
87
00:04:56,617 --> 00:04:58,683
Now, take this woman, for example.
88
00:04:58,685 --> 00:05:00,685
She hates me.
89
00:05:00,853 --> 00:05:01,885
She doesn't even know me,
90
00:05:01,887 --> 00:05:05,989
but it's clear that she's totally disgusted by me.
91
00:05:05,991 --> 00:05:07,390
Down the aisle on your right.
92
00:05:07,392 --> 00:05:07,957
Excuse me.
Yes?
93
00:05:07,959 --> 00:05:09,758
You don't possibly have another seat available for me?
94
00:05:09,760 --> 00:05:12,861
I'm sorry.
We're showing a full load.
95
00:05:13,763 --> 00:05:15,028
Right here on your left.
96
00:05:15,030 --> 00:05:16,029
Full load.
97
00:05:16,031 --> 00:05:20,400
Yes.
Sir, may I help you?
98
00:05:20,402 --> 00:05:22,568
To your right.
99
00:05:22,570 --> 00:05:23,569
Hello.
100
00:05:23,571 --> 00:05:24,436
Hello.
101
00:05:24,438 --> 00:05:25,804
Is this yours?
102
00:05:25,806 --> 00:05:29,040
Yeah. If you want to read it,
you can.
103
00:05:29,042 --> 00:05:30,941
Thank you.
104
00:05:35,447 --> 00:05:39,682
Pfft, I've seen this look before,
105
00:05:39,684 --> 00:05:40,783
believe me.
106
00:05:40,785 --> 00:05:43,685
It's the look of misunderstanding.
107
00:05:43,687 --> 00:05:45,086
She thinks I'm a moron.
108
00:05:45,088 --> 00:05:48,389
In fact, all my life,
people have told me I was a moron.
109
00:05:48,391 --> 00:05:52,559
You're a moron.
Now shut up and sit still.
110
00:05:54,095 --> 00:05:56,562
So this is my dad Ben stern.
111
00:05:56,564 --> 00:05:59,831
He was an engineer at a radio station in Manhattan... whom.
112
00:05:59,833 --> 00:06:03,634
Why do we live in Roosevelt when you work in New York?
113
00:06:03,636 --> 00:06:04,635
Shut up.
114
00:06:04,637 --> 00:06:05,502
[Radio static]
115
00:06:05,504 --> 00:06:07,837
We never played catch or went to ball games.
116
00:06:07,839 --> 00:06:10,439
The only sport my father liked was yelling.
117
00:06:10,441 --> 00:06:11,440
Nothing but crap.
118
00:06:11,442 --> 00:06:12,541
[Changes station]
119
00:06:12,543 --> 00:06:13,575
[Reggae music playing]
120
00:06:13,577 --> 00:06:15,977
Is this one crap?
Don't be a moron.
121
00:06:15,979 --> 00:06:19,580
¶ Shut up your mouth, that is your daddy ¶
122
00:06:19,582 --> 00:06:20,147
¶ oh, no ¶
123
00:06:20,149 --> 00:06:22,916
¶ my daddy can be a pistol ¶
124
00:06:22,918 --> 00:06:24,984
¶ shut your mouth, go away ¶
125
00:06:24,986 --> 00:06:28,153
¶ ooh, mama look-a boo boo day ¶
126
00:06:28,155 --> 00:06:28,753
huh!
127
00:06:28,755 --> 00:06:29,687
¶ Shut your mouth... ¶
128
00:06:29,689 --> 00:06:30,721
my father commuted every day.
129
00:06:30,723 --> 00:06:32,055
I guess it was about 40 Miles into Manhattan.
130
00:06:32,057 --> 00:06:36,025
He'd leave at 7:00 in the morning, get home around midnight or something.
131
00:06:36,027 --> 00:06:37,559
I mean, I never saw the guy.
132
00:06:37,561 --> 00:06:39,027
Come on. Come on.
133
00:06:39,029 --> 00:06:40,628
Once a year, my old man would break down
134
00:06:40,630 --> 00:06:42,529
and take me to work with him.
135
00:06:42,531 --> 00:06:43,663
A little quality time.
136
00:06:43,665 --> 00:06:45,564
I liked that.
A little bonding.
137
00:06:45,566 --> 00:06:46,865
Dad and son together.
138
00:06:46,867 --> 00:06:49,200
I looked forward to that.
139
00:06:49,202 --> 00:06:51,502
[Elevator dings]
140
00:06:51,504 --> 00:06:52,603
Take my hand, Howard,
141
00:06:52,605 --> 00:06:53,437
and remember, Howard,
142
00:06:53,439 --> 00:06:54,805
I work here, so keep your mouth shut.
143
00:06:54,807 --> 00:06:56,873
Peggy Lee: ¶ never know how much I love you... ¶
144
00:06:56,875 --> 00:07:00,209
you spin and you spin and you spin.
145
00:07:01,545 --> 00:07:03,578
Records...
who gives a damn?
146
00:07:03,580 --> 00:07:04,045
Daddy.
147
00:07:04,047 --> 00:07:04,845
I told you, shut up.
148
00:07:04,847 --> 00:07:06,179
That man's throwing records.
149
00:07:06,181 --> 00:07:08,748
No, nobody gives a damn about it.
150
00:07:08,750 --> 00:07:09,815
None of it.
What the fuck is it?
151
00:07:09,817 --> 00:07:13,051
Just fucking records!
It's just this fucking place.
152
00:07:13,053 --> 00:07:15,553
None of it means anything.
It's empty...
153
00:07:15,555 --> 00:07:17,655
sid, you're on in 15 seconds.
154
00:07:17,657 --> 00:07:18,555
Get a grip on yourself!
155
00:07:18,557 --> 00:07:20,723
Ah, what the hell do you know, you bastard?
156
00:07:20,725 --> 00:07:21,223
You mieskait!
157
00:07:21,225 --> 00:07:24,726
You're gonna play the music for the people? It doesn't...
158
00:07:24,728 --> 00:07:25,893
symphony sid!
159
00:07:25,895 --> 00:07:27,094
By the powers vested in me
160
00:07:27,096 --> 00:07:29,930
by the federal communications commission,
161
00:07:29,932 --> 00:07:30,964
I command you
162
00:07:30,966 --> 00:07:34,033
to get on the microphone in a serious manner
163
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and continue this broadcast.
164
00:07:46,247 --> 00:07:49,514
Deep, calm voice: This is "Sunday blues and jazz,"
165
00:07:49,516 --> 00:07:52,683
and I'm your host symphony sid.
166
00:07:52,685 --> 00:07:56,853
And now... Something for a blue Sunday.
167
00:07:56,855 --> 00:08:00,990
Howard: From that moment on, I wanted to be on the radio.
168
00:08:00,992 --> 00:08:03,826
Show business was definitely for me.
169
00:08:03,828 --> 00:08:05,961
[Bouncy puppet music]
170
00:08:05,963 --> 00:08:09,197
For my 12th birthday, my mother bought me some puppets,
171
00:08:09,199 --> 00:08:12,500
and pretty soon, I was spreading joy throughout the community.
172
00:08:12,502 --> 00:08:15,002
¶ Biddi-bim-bom,
ay-yi-yi ¶
173
00:08:15,004 --> 00:08:16,203
¶ biddi-biddi-biddi ¶
174
00:08:16,205 --> 00:08:17,604
¶ biddi-biddi-biddi-biddi ¶
175
00:08:17,606 --> 00:08:18,738
¶ biddi-biddi-biddi... ¶
176
00:08:18,740 --> 00:08:22,575
Howard, as the woman:
Oh, baby, I want it.
Give it to me.
177
00:08:22,577 --> 00:08:23,509
More. More. Ohh!
178
00:08:23,511 --> 00:08:24,710
Howard, as the man: You like that, huh?
179
00:08:24,712 --> 00:08:27,546
Oh, yes, I love it, baby.
Give it to me.
180
00:08:27,548 --> 00:08:30,615
Oh, baby, yes!
Right there! Ohh!
181
00:08:30,617 --> 00:08:32,116
Oh, more! Harder!
182
00:08:32,118 --> 00:08:32,950
You want it harder?
183
00:08:32,952 --> 00:08:35,185
Oh, yes. Harder.
Please give it to me!
184
00:08:35,187 --> 00:08:36,286
Please!
More!
185
00:08:36,288 --> 00:08:38,087
Ohh! Aah! Aah!
186
00:08:38,255 --> 00:08:40,955
But why can't I play with my puppets?
187
00:08:40,957 --> 00:08:45,259
Shut up! You know why.
188
00:08:48,564 --> 00:08:50,163
You know, life is very strange.
189
00:08:50,165 --> 00:08:51,931
Nat king Cole:
¶ pretend you're happy... ¶
190
00:08:51,933 --> 00:08:53,832
just about the time my puppet career ended,
191
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:56,768
my whole neighborhood underwent a demographic shift.
192
00:08:56,770 --> 00:08:59,203
My parents said we're moving because of those niggers.
193
00:08:59,205 --> 00:09:02,706
They said pretty soon, Roosevelt's going to be nothing but niggers.
194
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:04,307
Really? My parents said we're moving
195
00:09:04,309 --> 00:09:06,009
because of all the shvartzes.
196
00:09:06,011 --> 00:09:07,810
Shvartzes are niggers, idiot.
197
00:09:07,812 --> 00:09:09,278
They're the same thing.
198
00:09:09,280 --> 00:09:10,212
[Tires screech]
199
00:09:10,214 --> 00:09:13,081
I don't want to hear any more of this, you hear me?
200
00:09:13,083 --> 00:09:16,117
I'm half negro, and Howard's half negro.
201
00:09:16,119 --> 00:09:17,852
And anything bad you say about negroes,
202
00:09:17,854 --> 00:09:19,119
you're saying about us, you understand?
203
00:09:19,121 --> 00:09:24,724
¶ And nothing's bad as it may seem... ¶
204
00:09:24,726 --> 00:09:28,060
mom, we're half negro?
205
00:09:31,865 --> 00:09:34,065
I can't believe the stories he makes up.
206
00:09:34,067 --> 00:09:37,401
I mean, I never made him wear my underwear to school,
207
00:09:37,403 --> 00:09:40,871
and... and as far as my taking his rectal temperature
208
00:09:40,873 --> 00:09:42,873
every day till he was 14...
209
00:09:42,875 --> 00:09:44,274
he shouldn't make such a big deal.
210
00:09:44,276 --> 00:09:47,944
He still grew up to be a very well-adjusted individual.
211
00:09:47,946 --> 00:09:48,411
Absolutely.
212
00:09:48,413 --> 00:09:51,747
¶ Papa was a rolling stone... ¶
213
00:09:51,749 --> 00:09:54,182
Roosevelt high school...
beautiful.
214
00:09:54,184 --> 00:09:56,150
A fully integrated educational institution,
215
00:09:56,152 --> 00:10:01,054
which of course meant 6,000 black guys and me.
216
00:10:01,056 --> 00:10:02,188
And then I hit puberty.
217
00:10:02,190 --> 00:10:04,757
That made things worse because my penis never got any bigger.
219
00:10:04,759 --> 00:10:06,992
I mean, I was hung like a 3-year-old.
220
00:10:06,994 --> 00:10:10,962
Hey, seriously, these guys had rhinoceros penises... huge.
221
00:10:10,964 --> 00:10:12,730
You know, I've heard black men complain
222
00:10:12,732 --> 00:10:13,897
that they're unfairly stereotyped.
223
00:10:13,899 --> 00:10:17,467
Man, I'd love to have a stereotype like that.
224
00:10:17,469 --> 00:10:21,070
Now, because I had such a minuscule schlonger,
225
00:10:21,072 --> 00:10:22,171
I turned to drugs.
226
00:10:22,173 --> 00:10:27,176
Unfortunately, the drugs really made me paranoid.
227
00:10:30,014 --> 00:10:34,082
Howard's mother:
Howard, I smell smoke.
Are you smoking in there?
228
00:10:34,084 --> 00:10:35,216
There's no smoke in here.
229
00:10:35,218 --> 00:10:39,486
Howard, your father wants to see you downstairs.
230
00:10:42,858 --> 00:10:45,091
[Gargles]
231
00:10:45,093 --> 00:10:47,059
Howard.
232
00:10:47,061 --> 00:10:47,926
[Swallows]
233
00:10:47,928 --> 00:10:50,228
Howard, you're graduating from high school this year.
234
00:10:50,230 --> 00:10:54,098
You should be making some kind of plan for your future.
235
00:10:54,100 --> 00:10:55,165
You need a plan.
236
00:10:55,167 --> 00:10:58,168
I want to be on the radio.
237
00:10:58,170 --> 00:10:59,369
He wants to be on radio.
238
00:10:59,371 --> 00:11:01,938
But to be on the radio,
you have to have a voice.
239
00:11:01,940 --> 00:11:03,839
You have to have some verbal ability.
240
00:11:03,841 --> 00:11:04,940
You hardly ever say a word.
241
00:11:04,942 --> 00:11:10,378
This all from a guy who's only told me to shut up about 50,000 times.
242
00:11:10,380 --> 00:11:11,979
I talk.
243
00:11:12,114 --> 00:11:15,982
You really want to be on the radio?
244
00:11:16,784 --> 00:11:19,284
Ok. If you want a shot at radio,
245
00:11:19,286 --> 00:11:27,091
the counseling center says there's a communications program at Boston university.
247
00:11:35,034 --> 00:11:36,366
Ok, I know what you're saying.
248
00:11:36,368 --> 00:11:39,435
You're saying I look a little old to be in college.
249
00:11:39,437 --> 00:11:43,238
Well, for this movie, you gotta suspend disbelief.
250
00:11:43,240 --> 00:11:45,206
Hey, Lisa.
251
00:11:45,208 --> 00:11:47,841
Lisa.
Hi, how you doing?
252
00:11:47,843 --> 00:11:48,174
Hi.
253
00:11:48,176 --> 00:11:51,076
I was wondering if you'd like to go out Friday night.
254
00:11:51,078 --> 00:11:53,111
With you?
255
00:11:53,113 --> 00:11:55,413
No, thanks.
256
00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:59,216
Hi. I was just wondering if you...
257
00:11:59,218 --> 00:12:01,418
uh, no.
258
00:12:05,857 --> 00:12:08,324
Oh, excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
259
00:12:08,326 --> 00:12:08,957
Excuse me.
260
00:12:08,959 --> 00:12:11,426
Would you like to go out Friday night?
261
00:12:11,428 --> 00:12:14,028
Friday?
262
00:12:17,033 --> 00:12:20,801
No. I have a lot of reading to catch up on,
263
00:12:20,803 --> 00:12:23,403
but thank you.
264
00:12:23,405 --> 00:12:27,373
So I masterbated a lot...
2-time-a-day habit.
265
00:12:27,375 --> 00:12:29,842
I'm not proud of it, but I did it.
266
00:12:29,844 --> 00:12:31,109
Senior year...
big year for me.
267
00:12:31,111 --> 00:12:32,143
I finally got up the courage
268
00:12:32,145 --> 00:12:34,078
to go down to the college radio station
269
00:12:34,080 --> 00:12:35,245
and get myself on the air.
270
00:12:35,247 --> 00:12:37,813
And my name is Howard stern on "the Howard stern experience,"
272
00:12:37,815 --> 00:12:43,985
and if you love music, you'll love deep purple on tbu.
273
00:12:43,987 --> 00:12:46,821
["Smoke on the water" playing]
274
00:12:58,201 --> 00:12:59,099
Ohh!
275
00:12:59,101 --> 00:13:00,834
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
276
00:13:00,836 --> 00:13:02,035
Ooh!
277
00:13:02,037 --> 00:13:05,238
Oh, my God!
Oh, my fucking God!
278
00:13:05,506 --> 00:13:07,873
[Needle scratches record]
279
00:13:07,875 --> 00:13:08,473
How do I forget it?
280
00:13:08,475 --> 00:13:10,441
It's the single worst moment in radio history.
281
00:13:10,443 --> 00:13:11,608
It's not radio.
282
00:13:11,610 --> 00:13:13,242
It's college radio.
283
00:13:13,244 --> 00:13:14,276
There's nobody listening.
284
00:13:14,278 --> 00:13:18,446
Nobody. Maybe, like, 3 guys in a dorm somewhere.
285
00:13:18,448 --> 00:13:19,413
Oh, shit.
286
00:13:19,415 --> 00:13:20,046
Oh, fuck.
287
00:13:20,048 --> 00:13:22,415
I know someone on this block.
Let me think.
288
00:13:22,417 --> 00:13:23,849
Come on.
We're getting wet.
289
00:13:23,851 --> 00:13:26,017
Down here. Down here.
Down here.
290
00:13:26,019 --> 00:13:27,618
[Knock on door]
291
00:13:27,620 --> 00:13:28,518
Hi, elyse.
292
00:13:28,520 --> 00:13:29,085
Hey.
293
00:13:29,087 --> 00:13:31,554
So, we were on our way to a rally in support of feminism,
294
00:13:31,556 --> 00:13:32,588
and we got caught in the rain.
295
00:13:32,590 --> 00:13:35,958
I'm wondering if we can come in and just hang out for awhile.
296
00:13:35,960 --> 00:13:38,527
Sure, come on in.
297
00:13:38,529 --> 00:13:39,628
Howard: Can I use your hair dryer?
298
00:13:39,630 --> 00:13:43,164
Yeah, there's one at the end of the hall.
Hey, rach.
299
00:13:43,166 --> 00:13:45,032
Hi, Ellen.
This is Howard.
300
00:13:45,034 --> 00:13:46,199
Oh, hi.
My hair's wet.
301
00:13:46,201 --> 00:13:46,966
Put that there.
302
00:13:46,968 --> 00:13:49,635
I'm just going to go dry my hair.
303
00:13:49,637 --> 00:13:51,937
Hey, I heard you on the radio today.
304
00:13:51,939 --> 00:13:53,038
You heard that?
305
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:53,938
Yeah. What happened?
306
00:13:53,940 --> 00:13:55,873
I didn't think anybody even listened to that.
307
00:13:55,875 --> 00:13:58,041
Alison, this is Howard.
Howard, this is Alison.
308
00:13:58,043 --> 00:14:00,043
Alison's one of my roommates.
309
00:14:00,045 --> 00:14:01,944
Hey.
310
00:14:02,079 --> 00:14:03,044
[Thunder]
311
00:14:03,046 --> 00:14:07,248
["Love is a many splendored thing" playing]
312
00:14:09,652 --> 00:14:10,651
Howard.
313
00:14:10,653 --> 00:14:11,284
Howard.
314
00:14:11,286 --> 00:14:14,153
Hair dryer's in the bathroom.
315
00:14:16,991 --> 00:14:19,925
Hi. Hi.
316
00:14:19,927 --> 00:14:21,026
Hi. I'm Howard.
317
00:14:21,028 --> 00:14:22,060
Look at you, man.
318
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:24,429
You can get her.
You can get her.
319
00:14:24,431 --> 00:14:25,463
She looks hot.
320
00:14:25,465 --> 00:14:28,199
[Sniff sniff sniff]
321
00:14:28,201 --> 00:14:29,266
How are you?
322
00:14:29,268 --> 00:14:30,500
I'm making a film for my film class,
323
00:14:30,502 --> 00:14:31,902
and, I mean, it's a legitimate film.
324
00:14:31,903 --> 00:14:34,103
You won't... you're not gonna be naked or anything.
325
00:14:34,105 --> 00:14:36,338
You'll have your clothes on, you know.
326
00:14:36,340 --> 00:14:37,172
What's it about?
327
00:14:37,174 --> 00:14:38,439
Well, I'm glad you asked me that.
328
00:14:38,441 --> 00:14:43,010
In my, um, psychology class, we're studying b.F. Skinner,
329
00:14:43,012 --> 00:14:47,314
and I started to realize that what Skinner says is true...
330
00:14:47,316 --> 00:14:49,482
we're all rats trapped in a box,
331
00:14:49,484 --> 00:14:52,551
all searching for a piece of cheese.
332
00:14:52,686 --> 00:14:53,317
Mm-hmm.
333
00:14:53,319 --> 00:14:56,053
And I'm going to shoot it on Saturday.
334
00:14:56,055 --> 00:14:57,487
I mean, I can't do it Saturday.
335
00:14:57,489 --> 00:15:00,990
I work with an outpatient program for schizophrenics.
336
00:15:00,992 --> 00:15:02,324
One of them actually killed himself,
337
00:15:02,326 --> 00:15:04,092
so I'm taking the whole group to...
338
00:15:04,094 --> 00:15:07,061
to the funeral on Saturday, but...
339
00:15:07,063 --> 00:15:07,961
Sorry.
340
00:15:07,963 --> 00:15:10,263
You are really perfect.
341
00:15:10,265 --> 00:15:14,533
I... all right. What if I reschedule?
342
00:15:14,535 --> 00:15:18,069
Beautiful. Beautiful.
I don't believe it.
343
00:15:18,071 --> 00:15:21,237
Look, I refused to leave the room until she agreed to be in my film.
345
00:15:21,239 --> 00:15:21,937
I feel stupid.
346
00:15:21,939 --> 00:15:24,506
Seriously, she was the most enchanting woman I'd ever met.
347
00:15:24,508 --> 00:15:27,375
I'm telling you,
I am looking for the face of an angel.
348
00:15:27,377 --> 00:15:28,642
You have the face of an angel.
349
00:15:28,644 --> 00:15:30,076
[Ghostly groaning]
350
00:15:30,078 --> 00:15:33,312
Howard's voice: Save me.
351
00:15:35,249 --> 00:15:37,983
Save me.
352
00:15:37,985 --> 00:15:41,052
He comes to me.
353
00:15:41,054 --> 00:15:43,187
He comes to me.
354
00:15:43,189 --> 00:15:46,023
Ahh...
355
00:15:46,025 --> 00:15:48,692
Save me.
356
00:15:48,694 --> 00:15:51,294
[Applause]
357
00:15:54,966 --> 00:15:58,567
We give the award for best student film
358
00:15:58,569 --> 00:16:03,371
to... Mr. Howard stern.
359
00:16:05,675 --> 00:16:10,310
I'll tell you,
nothing makes a woman hotter than to be with an award-winning filmmaker.
361
00:16:10,312 --> 00:16:10,977
This I know.
362
00:16:10,979 --> 00:16:12,712
And at this point, I knew I was gonna score.
363
00:16:12,714 --> 00:16:14,513
I mean, it was fait accompli.
364
00:16:14,515 --> 00:16:16,214
I was in. This was it.
365
00:16:16,216 --> 00:16:18,716
I'm a stud.
She was liquefied.
366
00:16:18,718 --> 00:16:21,485
We did not have sex on our first date,
367
00:16:21,487 --> 00:16:24,054
although he was very sexual.
368
00:16:24,056 --> 00:16:25,155
Our sex life has always been good.
369
00:16:25,157 --> 00:16:28,691
I mean, Howard complains that his penis is too small,
370
00:16:28,693 --> 00:16:31,593
but his penis size is fine.
371
00:16:31,595 --> 00:16:34,128
Howard exaggerates.
372
00:16:34,463 --> 00:16:36,696
[Shivering]
373
00:16:36,698 --> 00:16:38,264
Ok.
Now hold this and say...
374
00:16:38,266 --> 00:16:39,298
hi.
Hi, I'm Camille,
375
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:42,034
and, uh, I'm in Westchester, New York, and...
376
00:16:42,036 --> 00:16:43,368
this is Howard's first job interview.
377
00:16:43,370 --> 00:16:45,603
And this is Howard's first job interview.
378
00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:49,139
Well, he's going to his first job interview in New York.
379
00:16:49,141 --> 00:16:50,106
All right...
[Shivering]
380
00:16:50,108 --> 00:16:50,874
One more thing.
Yes?
381
00:16:50,876 --> 00:16:51,841
Can you take your top off?
382
00:16:51,843 --> 00:16:52,775
No.
No, I'm serious.
383
00:16:52,777 --> 00:16:54,710
I'm serious. That's what they want you to do.
384
00:16:54,712 --> 00:16:56,878
No, they do not.
Yeah, they do.
385
00:16:56,880 --> 00:16:58,212
No way.
No, they do.
386
00:16:58,214 --> 00:16:59,413
Howard did not tell me...
387
00:16:59,415 --> 00:17:03,750
[aerosmith's "sweet emotion" playing]
388
00:17:10,291 --> 00:17:12,324
I'm moti, station manager.
389
00:17:12,326 --> 00:17:14,359
Howard stern.
You want to be a disc jockey?
390
00:17:14,361 --> 00:17:16,494
Very much so.
I've wanted to be a disc jockey
391
00:17:16,496 --> 00:17:18,429
since I was 7 years old.
392
00:17:18,431 --> 00:17:20,197
What are you, an idiot?
393
00:17:20,199 --> 00:17:21,398
No, sir, I'm not an idiot.
394
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:25,235
I... in fact, I have a communications degree from Boston university,
395
00:17:25,237 --> 00:17:27,303
and I would work very hard for this company
396
00:17:27,305 --> 00:17:28,437
if given the opportunity to...
397
00:17:28,439 --> 00:17:29,371
you wanted to see me?
398
00:17:29,373 --> 00:17:30,238
You came late yesterday.
399
00:17:30,240 --> 00:17:33,708
You came late today.
I don't need you.
You're fired.
400
00:17:33,710 --> 00:17:35,376
Fuck you.
401
00:17:35,378 --> 00:17:36,310
Good. Fuck you.
402
00:17:36,312 --> 00:17:38,445
You punk!
Fuck you 1,000%!
403
00:17:38,447 --> 00:17:41,380
Fuck you till your asshole is perfect donkey asshole!
405
00:17:41,382 --> 00:17:44,149
[Muttering in foreign language]
406
00:17:44,151 --> 00:17:46,417
Ok, you start tomorrow.
407
00:17:46,419 --> 00:17:48,652
10 A.M. to 2 p.M, eh?
408
00:17:48,654 --> 00:17:49,219
Yes.
409
00:17:49,221 --> 00:17:52,422
Pay $96 a week and don't bring me your problems.
410
00:17:52,424 --> 00:17:52,855
Ok.
411
00:17:52,857 --> 00:17:54,723
I'm not psychiatrist.
412
00:17:54,725 --> 00:17:55,790
Thank you very much.
413
00:17:55,792 --> 00:17:58,359
I promise you I will not disappoint you.
414
00:17:58,361 --> 00:17:59,893
Thank you.
415
00:17:59,895 --> 00:18:00,860
And I start tomorrow?
416
00:18:00,862 --> 00:18:04,363
Wimpy voice: Westchester 107,
wrnw 107.
417
00:18:04,365 --> 00:18:08,767
Hi, this is Howard stern, and it's 75 degrees presently,
418
00:18:08,769 --> 00:18:10,301
winds out of the northwest.
419
00:18:10,303 --> 00:18:14,872
Chance of precipitation, 85% for tonight.
420
00:18:14,874 --> 00:18:15,806
Looks like rain.
421
00:18:15,808 --> 00:18:19,943
Tomorrow, partly sunny at wrnw, Westchester 107.
422
00:18:19,945 --> 00:18:25,281
[Black sabbath's "paranoid" playing]
423
00:18:25,283 --> 00:18:26,348
I was sort of living with Alison
424
00:18:26,350 --> 00:18:30,318
while she worked on her master's of social work,
which was really great.
425
00:18:30,320 --> 00:18:32,920
I was also still living with my parents...
426
00:18:32,922 --> 00:18:34,221
Howard's mother:
Howard?
427
00:18:34,223 --> 00:18:35,422
Which wasn't so great.
428
00:18:35,424 --> 00:18:36,222
Yeah. Yeah, ma?
429
00:18:36,224 --> 00:18:38,591
I smell smoke.
Are you smoking in there?
430
00:18:38,593 --> 00:18:41,594
No, ma.
There's no smoke in here.
431
00:18:41,596 --> 00:18:43,796
Wimpy voice:
107 fm, wrnw.
432
00:18:43,798 --> 00:18:46,265
I'm Howard stern with you each and every day,
433
00:18:46,267 --> 00:18:49,334
and I've got a great
two for Tuesday.
434
00:18:49,336 --> 00:18:52,403
107 fm... the ramones...
gabba gabba wee,
435
00:18:52,405 --> 00:18:54,471
gabba gabba hey, gabba gabba gabba gabba...
436
00:18:54,473 --> 00:18:57,574
[Ramones' "pinhead" playing]
437
00:19:06,718 --> 00:19:07,483
Howard, you stink.
438
00:19:07,485 --> 00:19:10,452
I don't mix words.
You will never be a great disc jockey.
439
00:19:10,454 --> 00:19:14,355
You have lousy voice, lousy personality, and this will not change.
440
00:19:14,357 --> 00:19:17,458
Ok? So on the air is not for you,
441
00:19:17,460 --> 00:19:22,763
but you come on time,
and you are good worker, huh?
442
00:19:22,765 --> 00:19:24,264
So...
443
00:19:24,266 --> 00:19:25,898
How about I make you...
444
00:19:25,900 --> 00:19:29,001
Program director?
445
00:19:30,904 --> 00:19:31,936
Program director?
446
00:19:31,938 --> 00:19:34,738
Program... Director.
447
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:36,906
You. You.
448
00:19:36,908 --> 00:19:39,241
You run station.
449
00:19:39,243 --> 00:19:40,609
You... sit.
450
00:19:40,611 --> 00:19:41,876
You pick music.
451
00:19:41,878 --> 00:19:44,378
No more $96 a week.
452
00:19:44,380 --> 00:19:46,747
Eh. I pay you...
453
00:19:46,749 --> 00:19:47,948
You, eh?
454
00:19:47,950 --> 00:19:52,552
$250 a week.
455
00:19:52,554 --> 00:19:53,753
[Chuckles]
456
00:19:53,755 --> 00:19:55,855
You be management...
Like me.
457
00:19:55,857 --> 00:19:59,658
To be quite honest,
I didn't really want to be a programmer,
458
00:19:59,660 --> 00:20:01,960
but at $250 a week, I could marry Alison,
459
00:20:01,962 --> 00:20:03,661
and we'd get a real place together.
460
00:20:03,663 --> 00:20:06,764
Oh, look at her. I mean, this was a miracle.
461
00:20:06,766 --> 00:20:08,966
Here's this beautiful girl,
462
00:20:08,968 --> 00:20:09,866
I mean, a gorgeous woman,
463
00:20:09,868 --> 00:20:11,601
willing to spend the rest of her life with me.
464
00:20:11,603 --> 00:20:14,337
I just couldn't have been happier.
465
00:20:14,339 --> 00:20:17,640
I was the happiest program director in the world.
466
00:20:17,642 --> 00:20:20,309
Yeah, me.
Program director.
467
00:20:20,311 --> 00:20:21,810
Overnight, I become the big boss.
468
00:20:21,812 --> 00:20:24,546
Howard stern, executive manager.
469
00:20:24,548 --> 00:20:25,914
I had no idea what I was doing,
470
00:20:25,916 --> 00:20:28,483
no clue what to do with this job whatsoever,
471
00:20:28,485 --> 00:20:30,618
but I did it, and everyone bought into it.
472
00:20:30,620 --> 00:20:33,787
They thought I knew what I was doing.
This was great.
473
00:20:33,789 --> 00:20:35,488
Howard.
474
00:20:35,490 --> 00:20:35,988
Oh, hey, moti.
475
00:20:35,990 --> 00:20:39,057
Advertising is up.
Profit is up.
476
00:20:39,059 --> 00:20:39,690
Oh, great.
477
00:20:39,692 --> 00:20:42,659
As a disc jockey,
you're... you're shit...
ha ha ha ha...
478
00:20:42,661 --> 00:20:45,495
but you are a great programmer.
Here, payday.
479
00:20:45,497 --> 00:20:45,995
Thanks, moti.
480
00:20:45,997 --> 00:20:51,033
Listen, I want you to fire Dickie Davis.
481
00:20:51,035 --> 00:20:51,800
But why?
482
00:20:51,802 --> 00:20:52,934
None of your business.
483
00:20:52,936 --> 00:20:53,868
The guy's got 3 kids.
484
00:20:53,870 --> 00:20:55,669
You want to be management,
you fire him, huh?
485
00:20:55,671 --> 00:20:58,772
It's good to fire someone.
It gives a good message to the others.
486
00:20:58,774 --> 00:21:00,807
Just fire him, huh?
487
00:21:00,809 --> 00:21:03,709
I don't want to fire him.
You fire him.
488
00:21:03,711 --> 00:21:04,643
Howard...
489
00:21:04,645 --> 00:21:05,577
Disc jockeys are dogs.
490
00:21:05,579 --> 00:21:07,879
Your job is to make them fetch, eh?
491
00:21:07,881 --> 00:21:10,314
Now, if you want to truly be management,
492
00:21:10,316 --> 00:21:12,049
you be a man and fire him.
493
00:21:12,051 --> 00:21:15,352
Do it. Be a man.
494
00:21:22,461 --> 00:21:26,029
Moti: Tell Dickie Davis Howard wants to see him
now.
495
00:21:26,031 --> 00:21:29,365
[Vomiting]
496
00:21:34,805 --> 00:21:35,904
[Vomiting]
497
00:21:35,906 --> 00:21:37,805
How? Howard?
498
00:21:37,807 --> 00:21:38,939
Don't look.
499
00:21:38,941 --> 00:21:40,373
You ok?
500
00:21:40,375 --> 00:21:41,107
[Coughs]
501
00:21:41,109 --> 00:21:44,810
Let me ask you something.
Would you still love me...
502
00:21:44,812 --> 00:21:48,780
If I gave up my programming job and I stayed on the air and I made a lot less money?
504
00:21:48,782 --> 00:21:52,116
Yes. I mean, you know,
I'd have to leave you,
505
00:21:52,118 --> 00:21:54,785
but I'd still love you.
506
00:21:54,787 --> 00:21:56,353
Be serious.
507
00:21:56,355 --> 00:22:00,090
If I make less money, we wouldn't even be able to afford this apartment.
508
00:22:00,092 --> 00:22:02,459
Well, we can't really afford the apartment now,
509
00:22:02,461 --> 00:22:05,094
so it doesn't quite matter, really.
510
00:22:05,096 --> 00:22:07,896
I guess.
511
00:22:09,666 --> 00:22:12,500
Do what you need to do.
512
00:22:13,002 --> 00:22:14,134
Come on back here, hold this sign...
513
00:22:14,136 --> 00:22:16,970
Right in front of you.
Come on back.
514
00:22:16,972 --> 00:22:19,038
I want you to say "Howard goes to Hartford
515
00:22:19,040 --> 00:22:21,974
and becomes the wacky morning man at wccc."
516
00:22:21,976 --> 00:22:24,409
[Enunciation unclear]
Howard goes to Hartford at ccc.
517
00:22:24,411 --> 00:22:28,679
"Howard goes to Hartford and becomes the wacky morning man at wccc."
518
00:22:28,681 --> 00:22:30,681
Howard goes to Hartford at w...
519
00:22:30,683 --> 00:22:32,082
all right, all right,
that's not going to work.
520
00:22:32,084 --> 00:22:36,619
Howard comes to Hartford to become the wacky morning man
521
00:22:36,621 --> 00:22:37,386
at wccc.
522
00:22:37,388 --> 00:22:40,555
Gary: Let's see some muscles.
523
00:22:40,990 --> 00:22:42,789
Gary: How about some back muscles?
524
00:22:42,791 --> 00:22:45,091
Was my voice too deep doing that?
525
00:22:45,093 --> 00:22:48,561
No. It's very feminine.
526
00:22:57,038 --> 00:23:00,606
Wccc, fm 107 and am 1290.
527
00:23:00,608 --> 00:23:02,708
My name is Fred Norris,
and, uh...
528
00:23:02,710 --> 00:23:04,710
Stick around for the new guy Howard stern
529
00:23:04,712 --> 00:23:08,447
and the "Howard stern program."
530
00:23:09,583 --> 00:23:10,782
Hi.
531
00:23:10,784 --> 00:23:13,117
Oh. Oh, my God.
532
00:23:13,119 --> 00:23:15,085
Oh, it's so...
533
00:23:15,087 --> 00:23:16,186
hi. Howard stern.
534
00:23:16,188 --> 00:23:17,954
How you doing?
You're Fred.
535
00:23:17,956 --> 00:23:19,755
I can't believe how late I am.
536
00:23:19,757 --> 00:23:20,689
Who would've thought?
537
00:23:20,691 --> 00:23:22,624
I'm on the Berlin turnpike,
and I take a left-hand turn,
538
00:23:22,626 --> 00:23:27,862
and I've rehearsed this 500 times, getting here,
and I somehow got lost.
539
00:23:27,864 --> 00:23:29,597
Ohh.
540
00:23:29,599 --> 00:23:31,599
I'm sweating.
541
00:23:31,601 --> 00:23:33,100
I'm so hot.
542
00:23:33,102 --> 00:23:35,202
I'm so tahitzed.
543
00:23:35,204 --> 00:23:38,505
[Sighs] I'm hot.
544
00:23:38,640 --> 00:23:43,142
I was planning on being on time.
545
00:23:44,945 --> 00:23:46,811
Ohh, man.
546
00:23:46,813 --> 00:23:49,079
Whoo-oo-oo...
547
00:23:49,081 --> 00:23:52,816
107 fm, am 1290, wccc.
Good morning.
548
00:23:52,818 --> 00:23:56,085
My name is Howard stern.
I'm the new morning man on ccc.
549
00:23:56,087 --> 00:23:58,720
Sitting with me,
uh, Mr. Ringo...
550
00:23:58,722 --> 00:24:02,657
Mr. Ringo starr,
and he's here in the studio.
551
00:24:02,659 --> 00:24:03,090
Hi, Ringo.
552
00:24:03,092 --> 00:24:04,558
[Imitates ringo]
How you doin', me love?
553
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:07,093
I wish you'd play us a little "wipeout" this morning,
554
00:24:07,095 --> 00:24:10,062
wake everybody up.
555
00:24:12,766 --> 00:24:15,099
Oh, yeah,
that was great, Ringo.
556
00:24:15,101 --> 00:24:17,734
Ccc, am 1290, fm 1o7.
557
00:24:17,736 --> 00:24:18,968
This is cheap trick.
558
00:24:18,970 --> 00:24:22,204
["I want you to want me"
playing]
559
00:24:22,206 --> 00:24:25,106
Ohh. Thank you.
560
00:24:25,108 --> 00:24:27,141
Whoa.
561
00:24:27,143 --> 00:24:29,009
Howard: Hartford ended up being ok, you know.
562
00:24:29,011 --> 00:24:30,543
I mean, Fred seemed to really like me.
563
00:24:30,545 --> 00:24:31,677
I mean, I think he really liked me.
564
00:24:31,679 --> 00:24:33,812
The guy's like wallpaper.
Who can get a read on him?
565
00:24:33,814 --> 00:24:35,680
And Alison, well,
she got a job right away.
566
00:24:35,682 --> 00:24:38,182
Now, if you wanted to buy liver for dinner,
567
00:24:38,184 --> 00:24:40,217
what would you do?
568
00:24:40,219 --> 00:24:42,552
Go to the...
Supermarket?
569
00:24:42,554 --> 00:24:44,854
That's right.
And then what?
570
00:24:44,856 --> 00:24:46,555
This afternoon...
gray skies,
571
00:24:46,557 --> 00:24:49,791
occasional showers,
and precipitation.
572
00:24:49,793 --> 00:24:50,858
Highs near 75.
573
00:24:50,860 --> 00:24:53,894
It's going to be raining like cats...
574
00:24:53,896 --> 00:24:55,262
[Imitating cat and chicken]
575
00:24:55,264 --> 00:24:57,564
And chickens, I don't think so.
576
00:24:57,566 --> 00:24:58,698
[Imitating dog]
577
00:24:58,700 --> 00:25:00,099
And dogs.
578
00:25:00,101 --> 00:25:01,567
Wccc also wants to remind you
579
00:25:01,569 --> 00:25:03,502
that our new sponsor Stanley sport,
580
00:25:03,504 --> 00:25:05,637
um, is a great place to go.
581
00:25:05,639 --> 00:25:08,840
You know, I got to tell you something. When I was a child,
582
00:25:08,842 --> 00:25:11,042
I used to go to Stanley sport
all the time.
583
00:25:11,044 --> 00:25:11,876
I loved Stanley sport.
584
00:25:11,878 --> 00:25:14,912
My parents would take me through there, and we just had a great time,
585
00:25:14,914 --> 00:25:16,213
and we could walk out with tons of stuff
586
00:25:16,215 --> 00:25:19,749
even though my parents didn't make a lot of money.
587
00:25:19,751 --> 00:25:20,216
Oh.
588
00:25:20,218 --> 00:25:23,586
And, uh, "there's only one Stanley sports,
589
00:25:23,588 --> 00:25:25,888
"and the grand opening is this weekend.
590
00:25:25,890 --> 00:25:28,925
Mark it on your calendar."
591
00:25:29,294 --> 00:25:30,326
The grand opening is this...
592
00:25:30,328 --> 00:25:33,195
I just realized, uh...
That makes no sense what I just said.
593
00:25:33,197 --> 00:25:35,830
I just told you I went there as a kid,
and now the grand opening...
594
00:25:35,832 --> 00:25:40,835
well, I just...
I think I was just caught in a lie.
595
00:25:40,837 --> 00:25:43,237
Oh, boy. You know what the truth is?
596
00:25:43,239 --> 00:25:45,772
I'm a disc jockey who makes $250 a week,
597
00:25:45,774 --> 00:25:47,774
and I just want to do the right thing here on the air.
598
00:25:47,776 --> 00:25:50,777
I don't want to get fired,
so, uh, I guess I lied to you,
599
00:25:50,779 --> 00:25:54,914
but, uh, I'll never let that happen again. You know what I mean?
600
00:25:54,916 --> 00:25:56,148
Oh, boy, do I feel stupid.
601
00:25:56,150 --> 00:25:58,283
[Pretenders' "brass in pocket"
playing]
602
00:25:58,285 --> 00:26:00,251
Seriously, I heard the show today.
603
00:26:00,253 --> 00:26:01,418
I think you're really getting good.
604
00:26:01,420 --> 00:26:02,786
What part did you like in particular?
605
00:26:02,788 --> 00:26:05,355
Was it the Chinese guy calling in for the doobie brothers tickets?
606
00:26:05,357 --> 00:26:09,292
You know when you did that ad, when you were just being yourself?
607
00:26:09,294 --> 00:26:11,160
That's what you liked?
608
00:26:11,162 --> 00:26:12,895
Yeah.
609
00:26:12,897 --> 00:26:14,229
Really?
610
00:26:14,231 --> 00:26:15,797
It was funny.
611
00:26:15,799 --> 00:26:20,101
¶ Gonna use my arms, gonna use my legs... ¶
612
00:26:20,103 --> 00:26:21,068
Howard: Little by little,
613
00:26:21,070 --> 00:26:22,335
our ratings actually improved,
614
00:26:22,337 --> 00:26:24,036
and before long,
I got to interview
615
00:26:24,038 --> 00:26:25,971
my first real semifamous celebrity,
616
00:26:25,973 --> 00:26:28,073
"b" movie star Brittany Fairchild.
617
00:26:28,075 --> 00:26:30,141
While I'm interviewing her,
618
00:26:30,143 --> 00:26:32,809
she actually invites me to go to a premiere for her movie.
620
00:26:32,811 --> 00:26:34,110
I remember how embarrassing it was
621
00:26:34,112 --> 00:26:35,845
because nobody knew who I was.
622
00:26:35,847 --> 00:26:37,012
I'm escorting this woman around,
623
00:26:37,014 --> 00:26:38,213
and none of these people know who I am.
624
00:26:38,215 --> 00:26:41,015
They just think she has some ugly boyfriend, you know?
625
00:26:41,017 --> 00:26:44,918
But who cared?
I mean, it was exciting.
626
00:27:00,936 --> 00:27:03,903
Brittany in movie: Hello?
627
00:27:08,476 --> 00:27:11,477
I'm here for the shoot.
628
00:27:15,850 --> 00:27:17,416
Anybody there?
629
00:27:22,256 --> 00:27:24,723
Hello?
630
00:27:25,992 --> 00:27:28,359
Howard: Ohh.
631
00:27:29,895 --> 00:27:31,194
My back hurts.
632
00:27:31,196 --> 00:27:36,299
Would you mind taking me back to my hotel room?
633
00:27:36,301 --> 00:27:37,400
I know this director,
634
00:27:37,402 --> 00:27:39,235
and he told me that when he was little,
635
00:27:39,237 --> 00:27:41,870
his mother killed his sister,
636
00:27:41,872 --> 00:27:44,172
but was never charged.
637
00:27:44,174 --> 00:27:45,840
Wow.
638
00:27:45,842 --> 00:27:48,042
Come in.
639
00:27:48,044 --> 00:27:50,511
Come in.
640
00:27:54,183 --> 00:27:57,884
It's nice.
Sit down.
641
00:27:57,886 --> 00:27:58,517
[Keys jangle]
642
00:27:58,519 --> 00:28:01,319
I'll be right back.
643
00:28:01,321 --> 00:28:03,454
Ok.
644
00:28:08,227 --> 00:28:12,796
Hey, man, free drinks.
645
00:28:14,132 --> 00:28:16,031
Ahem.
646
00:28:16,867 --> 00:28:18,433
[Faucet squeaks]
647
00:28:18,435 --> 00:28:20,268
[Water running]
648
00:28:20,270 --> 00:28:23,804
What the hell is she doing?
649
00:28:24,306 --> 00:28:27,106
I think she's running a bath.
650
00:28:32,913 --> 00:28:36,915
Oh, my God, man,
she's taking her clothes off.
651
00:28:36,917 --> 00:28:39,284
I guess she forgot to close the door.
652
00:28:39,286 --> 00:28:40,518
Well, she's a Hollywood actress.
653
00:28:40,520 --> 00:28:43,354
They have a lot on their mind.
654
00:28:43,356 --> 00:28:46,190
Oh, my God.
655
00:28:50,095 --> 00:28:53,129
Oh, is she cute.
656
00:28:53,131 --> 00:28:54,563
Howard?
Yes?
657
00:28:54,565 --> 00:28:58,934
Could you come here for a second?
658
00:29:11,815 --> 00:29:12,547
Oh. Hi.
659
00:29:12,549 --> 00:29:14,982
My shoulders tense up when I travel.
660
00:29:14,984 --> 00:29:16,583
Would you mind rubbing them for a minute?
661
00:29:16,585 --> 00:29:18,952
Works best when I'm in a hot bath.
662
00:29:18,954 --> 00:29:21,988
It helps relax the muscles.
663
00:29:21,990 --> 00:29:24,056
I don't know if that's ok or not.
664
00:29:24,058 --> 00:29:28,193
Please.
It really hurts.
665
00:29:29,095 --> 00:29:31,161
Look, I don't know that I can do this.
666
00:29:31,163 --> 00:29:33,062
I'll tell you what,
I'll just kneel over here,
667
00:29:33,064 --> 00:29:35,197
and I'll rub your shoulders from back here.
668
00:29:35,199 --> 00:29:38,033
No. Sit behind me in the tub.
669
00:29:38,035 --> 00:29:39,534
Oh, I can't do that.
670
00:29:39,536 --> 00:29:40,134
Why not?
671
00:29:40,136 --> 00:29:43,137
Well, for one thing,
my clothes are gonna get all wet.
672
00:29:43,139 --> 00:29:49,042
Well, then I guess you better take them off.
673
00:29:49,044 --> 00:29:51,444
I got to tell you something.
You are gorgeous,
674
00:29:51,446 --> 00:29:53,145
and... and you're a great actress and everything,
675
00:29:53,147 --> 00:29:56,148
but I got a wife at home.
I can't cheat on my wife.
676
00:29:56,150 --> 00:29:58,950
Then leave your underwear on.
677
00:29:58,952 --> 00:30:00,384
What?
678
00:30:00,386 --> 00:30:03,487
If you leave your underwear on, then you can't cheat.
679
00:30:03,489 --> 00:30:05,388
It's just like going swimming.
680
00:30:05,390 --> 00:30:06,922
Howard: I don't know what it was,
681
00:30:06,924 --> 00:30:09,424
but she started making a lot of sense.
682
00:30:09,426 --> 00:30:11,225
I really need your help.
683
00:30:11,227 --> 00:30:13,860
My back really hurts.
684
00:30:13,862 --> 00:30:16,495
Fred: She's right.
685
00:30:17,965 --> 00:30:22,100
Could you start with my shoulders?
686
00:30:24,437 --> 00:30:26,203
Ahh...
687
00:30:26,205 --> 00:30:28,405
Yeah.
688
00:30:28,407 --> 00:30:29,339
Mmm.
689
00:30:29,341 --> 00:30:31,641
Can you come around my sides?
690
00:30:31,643 --> 00:30:35,144
I think I pulled a muscle in my rib cage.
691
00:30:36,981 --> 00:30:39,514
Mmm.
692
00:30:40,383 --> 00:30:42,616
Howard...
693
00:30:47,155 --> 00:30:50,256
I know how to give a man pleasure.
694
00:30:51,359 --> 00:30:52,958
Mmm.
695
00:30:54,127 --> 00:30:55,593
Feel...
696
00:30:55,595 --> 00:30:57,428
Pleasure.
697
00:30:58,998 --> 00:31:00,364
Oh. Oh, wow.
698
00:31:00,366 --> 00:31:03,367
No, no, no.
No, no, no,
no, no, no.
699
00:31:03,369 --> 00:31:05,102
Stop that. Stop.
700
00:31:05,104 --> 00:31:06,603
Oh, whoa.
701
00:31:06,605 --> 00:31:07,403
Oh, man.
702
00:31:07,405 --> 00:31:09,138
Wow. Thank you.
Oh, my.
703
00:31:09,140 --> 00:31:10,639
Thanks. Thanks...
thanks for everything.
704
00:31:10,641 --> 00:31:12,507
Listen, the premiere and everything.
705
00:31:12,509 --> 00:31:13,908
Oh, my God.
706
00:31:13,910 --> 00:31:15,976
I just...
I just got to go.
707
00:31:15,978 --> 00:31:19,012
You know, it was a great interview on the radio.
708
00:31:19,014 --> 00:31:20,580
Thanks... thanks...
thank you.
709
00:31:20,582 --> 00:31:22,481
I really got to go.
710
00:31:22,483 --> 00:31:23,548
Good-bye!
711
00:31:23,550 --> 00:31:24,282
[Door closes]
712
00:31:24,284 --> 00:31:26,017
¶ I'll take you there ¶
713
00:31:26,019 --> 00:31:27,385
¶ oh, oh ¶
714
00:31:27,387 --> 00:31:28,486
¶ oh! ¶
715
00:31:28,488 --> 00:31:31,355
¶ I'll take you there ¶
716
00:31:32,257 --> 00:31:33,289
¶ oh! Oh! Oh! ¶
717
00:31:33,291 --> 00:31:36,392
¶ I'll take you there ¶
718
00:31:37,027 --> 00:31:37,692
¶ mercy now ¶
719
00:31:37,694 --> 00:31:38,926
¶ I'll take you there ¶
720
00:31:38,928 --> 00:31:40,527
¶ I'm callin', callin' ¶
721
00:31:40,529 --> 00:31:42,529
¶ callin' for mercy ¶
722
00:31:42,531 --> 00:31:45,031
¶ I'll take you there ¶
723
00:31:45,033 --> 00:31:46,999
¶ mercy, mercy ¶
724
00:31:47,001 --> 00:31:49,234
[scrubbing]
725
00:31:49,236 --> 00:31:50,101
Hi.
726
00:31:50,103 --> 00:31:51,669
Hey. How was it?
727
00:31:51,671 --> 00:31:52,469
So bad. So horrible.
728
00:31:52,471 --> 00:31:53,703
I just had the worst night of my life.
729
00:31:53,705 --> 00:31:57,173
I mean, I can't even begin to tell you how miserable I am.
730
00:31:57,175 --> 00:31:58,541
It is so late.
I got to get to bed.
731
00:31:58,543 --> 00:31:59,708
I mean, no one realizes I got to be up
732
00:31:59,710 --> 00:32:01,676
at 4:00 in the morning in that radio station.
733
00:32:01,678 --> 00:32:03,477
I can't believe how late it is.
734
00:32:03,479 --> 00:32:05,245
Go up and get in...
ok.
735
00:32:05,247 --> 00:32:05,712
I... I just...
736
00:32:05,714 --> 00:32:09,015
I just need to rest.
I need to get some sleep.
737
00:32:09,017 --> 00:32:10,449
Horrible.
738
00:32:13,187 --> 00:32:14,619
God, let me get away with this,
739
00:32:14,621 --> 00:32:18,556
and I swear I'll never stray from Alison again. Never.
740
00:32:18,558 --> 00:32:20,624
Howard on radio:
I just want to thank someone this morning.
741
00:32:20,626 --> 00:32:22,425
I want to thank Brittany Fairchild
742
00:32:22,427 --> 00:32:23,559
for having myself and Fred
743
00:32:23,561 --> 00:32:25,394
out to, uh, her new movie.
It was really good.
744
00:32:25,396 --> 00:32:27,662
Fred, what'd you think of the movie?
745
00:32:27,664 --> 00:32:29,230
Fred: I was very moved.
746
00:32:29,232 --> 00:32:31,498
I think a lot of us were moved last night.
747
00:32:31,500 --> 00:32:35,235
Ccc, am 1290, fm 107...
748
00:32:58,660 --> 00:33:01,360
it's the fifth-largest market in the United States,
749
00:33:01,362 --> 00:33:02,661
and they want me to start tomorrow,
750
00:33:02,663 --> 00:33:03,695
which is a good sign, I think.
751
00:33:03,697 --> 00:33:04,996
That means they're, you know,
752
00:33:04,998 --> 00:33:07,298
they're really desperate for me, which I like,
753
00:33:07,300 --> 00:33:11,335
and they say they're gonna move the building to the best part of the city,
754
00:33:11,337 --> 00:33:14,771
which I think is good, too...
you know, pump money into the facility...
755
00:33:14,773 --> 00:33:16,239
and the station manager says we are gonna be
756
00:33:16,241 --> 00:33:18,608
the most aggressive radio station in Detroit.
757
00:33:18,610 --> 00:33:22,678
We are gonna dominate the marketplace,
which I lo...
758
00:33:27,084 --> 00:33:29,784
are these yours?
759
00:33:31,754 --> 00:33:34,788
They're wet.
760
00:33:40,395 --> 00:33:42,728
Howard: Alison's not coming to Detroit.
761
00:33:42,730 --> 00:33:44,262
I should have just come home
762
00:33:44,264 --> 00:33:46,364
and told my wife everything,
admitted the truth,
763
00:33:46,366 --> 00:33:48,165
'cause now my wife doesn't even trust me anymore,
764
00:33:48,167 --> 00:33:50,567
and I don't blame her because I don't trust me, either.
765
00:33:50,569 --> 00:33:54,804
I'm a stupid idiot.
I'm so stupid!
766
00:33:54,806 --> 00:33:56,605
What am I gonna do?
767
00:33:56,607 --> 00:33:59,274
I don't know.
768
00:34:00,310 --> 00:34:02,443
I can always count on you for help, man.
769
00:34:02,445 --> 00:34:05,646
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
770
00:34:09,718 --> 00:34:13,252
Listen, man, as soon as I get to Detroit and things start happenin',
771
00:34:13,254 --> 00:34:16,755
I'm gonna get these guys to hire you, all right?
772
00:34:16,757 --> 00:34:17,655
Ok.
773
00:34:17,657 --> 00:34:21,258
Fred, I'm serious. I'm not gonna forget ya.
774
00:34:21,260 --> 00:34:23,727
Bye.
775
00:34:28,200 --> 00:34:32,168
[Ted nugent's "cat scratch fever" playing]
776
00:34:36,407 --> 00:34:38,340
¶ Cat scratch fever... ¶
777
00:34:38,342 --> 00:34:40,241
Howard.
How you doing, man?
778
00:34:40,243 --> 00:34:41,176
How you doing, Marvin?
779
00:34:41,178 --> 00:34:42,343
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
780
00:34:42,345 --> 00:34:44,778
Hey, Patricia fonfara, meet Howard stern.
Your newslady.
781
00:34:44,780 --> 00:34:47,413
Hi. I'm really looking forward to working with you.
782
00:34:47,415 --> 00:34:48,647
The Duke of rock's just finishing up,
783
00:34:48,649 --> 00:34:50,515
and then we're gonna get right inside, so...
784
00:34:50,517 --> 00:34:52,250
Hey, Marvin, what happened to the new building?
785
00:34:52,252 --> 00:34:54,318
I told you, we're gonna build a new building.
786
00:34:54,320 --> 00:34:58,889
First we got to build an audience. Heh.
787
00:35:00,626 --> 00:35:03,460
Hey, the Duke of rock's gettin' ready to walk,
788
00:35:03,462 --> 00:35:04,761
but I want you to stick around,
789
00:35:04,763 --> 00:35:08,331
because we got
a brand-new morning man...
790
00:35:08,333 --> 00:35:11,500
looks like big bird to me...
791
00:35:11,502 --> 00:35:12,934
coming next
792
00:35:12,936 --> 00:35:16,404
on w4 106 fm.
793
00:35:16,406 --> 00:35:17,938
What's happening, man?
794
00:35:17,940 --> 00:35:19,272
Come on in, big bird.
795
00:35:19,274 --> 00:35:20,740
How you doing, man?
Good to see ya.
796
00:35:20,742 --> 00:35:23,676
How's things? What's that?
You're gonna do what?
797
00:35:23,678 --> 00:35:24,977
Is that ri... well, now,
how about that, kiddies?
798
00:35:24,979 --> 00:35:28,914
He's gonna have Kermit the frog come in here and sing the alphabet song,
799
00:35:28,916 --> 00:35:29,881
isn't that somethin'?
800
00:35:29,883 --> 00:35:31,616
Coming up next on "the big bird show."
801
00:35:31,618 --> 00:35:33,317
I got to go. See you at midnight tonight.
802
00:35:33,319 --> 00:35:34,418
This is the Duke of rock saying,
803
00:35:34,420 --> 00:35:36,987
if you can't be good,
be bad, baby.
804
00:35:36,989 --> 00:35:38,788
Bye.
805
00:35:38,790 --> 00:35:40,956
Hi. How you doing?
806
00:35:40,958 --> 00:35:42,490
Howard stern.
Nice to see you.
807
00:35:42,492 --> 00:35:44,892
Listened to your show last night.
It was great.
808
00:35:44,894 --> 00:35:46,793
Lookin' forward to working with you.
809
00:35:46,795 --> 00:35:48,795
Don't hurt yourself, man.
810
00:35:48,797 --> 00:35:50,763
Ok, thanks.
Thank you.
811
00:35:50,765 --> 00:35:52,531
[Door closes]
812
00:35:52,533 --> 00:35:53,431
Thank you.
813
00:35:53,433 --> 00:35:55,433
What am I thanking him for?
814
00:35:55,435 --> 00:35:56,734
So let's review.
815
00:35:56,736 --> 00:35:57,735
My life sucked,
816
00:35:57,737 --> 00:35:58,502
Alison dumped me,
817
00:35:58,504 --> 00:36:00,437
I didn't know if she'd ever come back to me,
818
00:36:00,439 --> 00:36:03,239
and now this thick wad is calling me big bird.
819
00:36:03,241 --> 00:36:04,873
106 fm, wwww.
820
00:36:04,875 --> 00:36:07,408
I don't know.
Something in me just snapped.
821
00:36:07,410 --> 00:36:08,409
My name is Howard stern,
822
00:36:08,411 --> 00:36:10,511
and welcome to the new morning show,
823
00:36:10,513 --> 00:36:12,379
and we have a new feature for you.
824
00:36:12,381 --> 00:36:13,747
This is, uh, something special.
825
00:36:13,749 --> 00:36:16,950
We have a traffic copter now here at wwww.
826
00:36:16,952 --> 00:36:21,487
Let's go up to mama look-a boo boo day in the traffic copter.
827
00:36:21,489 --> 00:36:22,754
Mama, you there?
828
00:36:22,756 --> 00:36:23,821
Hello? Mama? Uh.
829
00:36:23,823 --> 00:36:25,689
[Helicopter flying sound effect]
830
00:36:25,691 --> 00:36:26,256
Hello?
831
00:36:26,258 --> 00:36:27,890
[Mama's voice]
Yes, hello. This is mama look-a boo boo day,
832
00:36:27,892 --> 00:36:32,461
the only black traffic reporter in the Detroit area,
833
00:36:32,463 --> 00:36:34,563
I'm proud to say.
834
00:36:34,565 --> 00:36:36,932
Pleasure to make your acquaintance this morning, mama.
835
00:36:36,934 --> 00:36:40,268
Tell me, uh,
what's going on in the traffic?
836
00:36:40,270 --> 00:36:43,871
First, a political statement, if I may.
837
00:36:45,941 --> 00:36:48,841
Kill, kill, kill...
838
00:36:48,843 --> 00:36:49,942
The white man,
839
00:36:49,944 --> 00:36:51,543
by Eugene mama look-a boo boo day.
840
00:36:51,545 --> 00:36:55,680
Eugene is my pen name 'cause I wrote this while I was in the pen.
841
00:36:55,682 --> 00:36:58,516
Ok, here we go.
842
00:37:01,888 --> 00:37:05,890
Kill, kill, kill the white man.
843
00:37:09,462 --> 00:37:13,530
Kill him until he is dead.
844
00:37:14,299 --> 00:37:16,699
Kill the white man.
845
00:37:18,602 --> 00:37:19,033
Thank you.
846
00:37:19,035 --> 00:37:23,504
[Jimi hendrix's "all along the watchtower" playing]
847
00:37:26,509 --> 00:37:30,344
Yeah, hi. Can I speak to Alison stern, please?
848
00:37:30,346 --> 00:37:33,313
This is her husband Howard.
849
00:37:33,315 --> 00:37:36,082
It's Howard.
850
00:37:37,785 --> 00:37:38,950
Hello?
851
00:37:38,952 --> 00:37:43,454
¶ There must be some kind of way out of here ¶
852
00:37:43,456 --> 00:37:47,558
¶ said the joker to the thief ¶
853
00:37:47,693 --> 00:37:51,995
¶ there's too much confusion ¶
854
00:37:51,997 --> 00:37:55,932
¶ I can't get no relief ¶
855
00:37:55,934 --> 00:37:57,800
¶ businessmen, they'll ¶
856
00:37:57,802 --> 00:38:00,402
¶ they'll drink my wine ¶
857
00:38:00,404 --> 00:38:03,438
¶ plowmen dig my earth... ¶
858
00:38:03,440 --> 00:38:05,339
[siren]
859
00:38:05,341 --> 00:38:06,573
You talk too much.
860
00:38:06,575 --> 00:38:08,575
And very important,
861
00:38:08,577 --> 00:38:09,876
I want the time and the temperature
862
00:38:09,878 --> 00:38:14,380
4 times every 15 minutes, not 3. 4.
863
00:38:14,382 --> 00:38:16,615
My grandmother died last night.
864
00:38:16,617 --> 00:38:20,585
I spent all night with her in the hospital.
865
00:38:21,588 --> 00:38:24,755
She... she had a car accident.
866
00:38:25,023 --> 00:38:25,788
By the way, uh...
867
00:38:25,790 --> 00:38:29,024
It's 6:45. Temperature is, uh, 58 degrees.
868
00:38:29,026 --> 00:38:30,125
¶ No reason to get excited ¶
869
00:38:30,127 --> 00:38:31,793
anyway, her head went through the windshield.
870
00:38:31,795 --> 00:38:33,628
You know, it's funny,
but her last words...
871
00:38:33,630 --> 00:38:36,897
¶ The thief, he kindly spoke ¶
872
00:38:37,966 --> 00:38:40,866
¶ there are many here among us ¶
873
00:38:40,868 --> 00:38:42,000
I want you back so bad...
874
00:38:42,002 --> 00:38:45,436
¶ Who feel that life is but a joke ¶
875
00:38:45,438 --> 00:38:50,407
¶ but you and I, we've been through that ¶
876
00:38:50,409 --> 00:38:53,009
¶ and this not our fate... ¶
877
00:38:53,011 --> 00:38:54,410
I had, like, no listeners,
878
00:38:54,412 --> 00:38:55,644
and the couple of listeners I did have
879
00:38:55,646 --> 00:38:57,579
would call in and tell me how bad I sucked
880
00:38:57,581 --> 00:38:58,379
on a regular basis.
881
00:38:58,381 --> 00:39:02,015
Although, I did manage to convince one of them to be my weather lady.
882
00:39:02,017 --> 00:39:04,384
Irene...
The weather girl.
883
00:39:04,386 --> 00:39:05,118
Irene, are you there?
884
00:39:05,120 --> 00:39:06,886
It's cold, real cold,
885
00:39:06,888 --> 00:39:08,888
but your ass is gonna be plenty hot
886
00:39:08,890 --> 00:39:12,024
when I give you a good, hard butt-whipping.
887
00:39:12,026 --> 00:39:12,858
Tongue.
888
00:39:12,860 --> 00:39:14,025
What do you think about that?
889
00:39:14,027 --> 00:39:17,061
Turns you on, doesn't it, you little maggot?
890
00:39:17,063 --> 00:39:17,628
Yeah.
891
00:39:17,630 --> 00:39:19,896
Irene, thank you for the weather forecast.
892
00:39:19,898 --> 00:39:20,529
Shut up.
893
00:39:20,531 --> 00:39:21,730
We hope to hear from you tomorrow...
894
00:39:21,732 --> 00:39:22,964
give us some more weather.
895
00:39:22,966 --> 00:39:26,100
Bite me, you loser.
896
00:39:33,542 --> 00:39:36,743
You shaved your mustache.
897
00:39:38,012 --> 00:39:40,846
Jeez. Alison.
898
00:39:41,048 --> 00:39:43,715
It's great to see you.
899
00:39:43,717 --> 00:39:44,582
Al, I miss you so much.
900
00:39:44,584 --> 00:39:45,983
I'm feelin' so miserable since you left.
901
00:39:45,985 --> 00:39:48,885
I am just so uncomfortable in this Detroit. I'm...
902
00:39:48,887 --> 00:39:49,518
Howard...
903
00:39:49,520 --> 00:39:51,853
I'm willing to believe you didn't sleep with that girl.
904
00:39:51,855 --> 00:39:57,524
Ok? And I understand you're a somewhat abnormal person with a somewhat abnormal job.
That I can accept.
906
00:39:57,526 --> 00:39:59,125
I deal with abnormality every single day.
907
00:39:59,127 --> 00:40:00,826
I don't need everything in my life to be normal,
908
00:40:00,828 --> 00:40:02,961
and on the air, you do what you do.
That's your job,
909
00:40:02,963 --> 00:40:06,931
but off the air, for me to be in this marriage...
910
00:40:06,933 --> 00:40:09,800
I need to know I'm the only one,
911
00:40:09,802 --> 00:40:11,134
and I'm not saying that to pressure you.
912
00:40:11,136 --> 00:40:15,505
I'm saying it because it's just something I know about myself.
913
00:40:15,507 --> 00:40:17,840
So... If you need more time or whatever...
914
00:40:17,842 --> 00:40:20,475
I don't need any more time.
915
00:40:20,477 --> 00:40:23,578
I am just so madly in love with you.
916
00:40:23,580 --> 00:40:26,480
I don't... I don't need anyone else in my life.
917
00:40:26,482 --> 00:40:28,482
I never wanted anyone else in my life.
918
00:40:28,484 --> 00:40:29,983
All I want is you.
919
00:40:29,985 --> 00:40:33,953
I just want you to forgive me.
920
00:40:37,191 --> 00:40:39,758
Thanks for coming back.
921
00:40:39,760 --> 00:40:41,926
Wow.
922
00:40:44,897 --> 00:40:47,130
Come on, you guys.
Right up here looks perfect.
923
00:40:47,132 --> 00:40:48,030
Isn't Alison amazing?
924
00:40:48,032 --> 00:40:49,164
She's in town, like, two minutes,
925
00:40:49,166 --> 00:40:54,169
and already she's got a job working with a bunch of wackos.
926
00:40:54,171 --> 00:40:57,071
Excuse me.
Mentally challenged.
927
00:40:57,073 --> 00:40:58,839
Nice day, huh?
928
00:40:58,841 --> 00:41:00,707
What can I do to help here?
929
00:41:00,709 --> 00:41:03,643
Well, I'm gonna set up lunch...
930
00:41:03,645 --> 00:41:03,976
Ok.
931
00:41:03,978 --> 00:41:06,545
And you can play frisbee with the guys.
932
00:41:06,547 --> 00:41:09,848
Start again.
Here we go.
933
00:41:09,850 --> 00:41:11,783
Oh. I'm so sorry.
934
00:41:11,785 --> 00:41:13,651
Listen, what you got to do is,
935
00:41:13,653 --> 00:41:15,052
you got to put this hand up, ok?
936
00:41:15,054 --> 00:41:17,120
And you got to try and catch it, ok?
937
00:41:17,122 --> 00:41:19,655
All right, here we go.
938
00:41:19,657 --> 00:41:22,224
Ready? Here we go.
939
00:41:23,227 --> 00:41:25,627
I'm so sorry.
940
00:41:25,629 --> 00:41:27,695
You know what we're gonna do?
941
00:41:27,697 --> 00:41:30,230
Just tell me that you're ready.
Are you ready?
942
00:41:30,232 --> 00:41:32,131
Y-yes.
943
00:41:34,068 --> 00:41:36,601
Howard! Howard!
944
00:41:36,603 --> 00:41:37,001
Marvin.
945
00:41:37,003 --> 00:41:38,736
I was hoping I'd find you here.
946
00:41:38,738 --> 00:41:40,904
I have some very exciting news!
947
00:41:40,906 --> 00:41:42,772
Oh. Are you all right?
948
00:41:42,774 --> 00:41:43,873
Yeah. Yeah.
949
00:41:43,875 --> 00:41:44,573
That was good.
950
00:41:44,575 --> 00:41:46,641
You just got to wait till somebody looks, ok?
951
00:41:46,643 --> 00:41:51,012
Hoo. Uh, well,
we decided that Detroit has too many rock stations,
952
00:41:51,014 --> 00:41:54,115
so starting tomorrow we're starting a new format,
953
00:41:54,117 --> 00:41:57,084
and it'll give us a real great edge.
954
00:41:58,053 --> 00:42:00,019
[Country music playing]
955
00:42:00,021 --> 00:42:02,087
[Yodeling] ¶ ooh ooh ¶
956
00:42:02,089 --> 00:42:04,589
¶ ooh-ooh-ooh Dee Dee ¶
957
00:42:04,591 --> 00:42:06,257
¶ ooh doo ¶
958
00:42:06,259 --> 00:42:07,992
¶ doo-doop doo-doo-doo ¶
959
00:42:07,994 --> 00:42:09,893
¶ doo doo ooh ¶
960
00:42:09,895 --> 00:42:12,128
¶ ooh-ooh-ooh Dee Dee... ¶
961
00:42:12,130 --> 00:42:12,862
howdy, cowpokes.
962
00:42:12,864 --> 00:42:15,097
Uh, I know I shouldn't be interrupting in the middle of a song,
963
00:42:15,099 --> 00:42:16,164
but I got to tell you something.
964
00:42:16,166 --> 00:42:18,666
I know a lot of you out there really love this music,
965
00:42:18,668 --> 00:42:20,368
but I just don't get it.
966
00:42:20,370 --> 00:42:21,135
Explain it to me,
967
00:42:21,137 --> 00:42:23,370
and maybe it's 'cause I went to college,
968
00:42:23,372 --> 00:42:27,873
and I never drove a truck and had sex with my daddy's sister,
but...
970
00:42:27,875 --> 00:42:29,374
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I...
971
00:42:29,376 --> 00:42:32,243
I don't think I'm the man for this job.
972
00:42:32,245 --> 00:42:36,180
So this is your old pal hopalong Howie saying I quit.
973
00:42:36,182 --> 00:42:37,247
I... I think I quit.
974
00:42:37,249 --> 00:42:39,749
¶ Ooh-ooh-ooh Dee Dee ¶
975
00:42:39,751 --> 00:42:41,717
¶ ooh doo ¶
976
00:42:41,719 --> 00:42:43,018
¶ doo-doop doo-doo-doo ¶
977
00:42:43,020 --> 00:42:44,019
¶ doo doo ooh ¶
978
00:42:44,021 --> 00:42:48,957
¶ ooh-ooh-ooh Dee Dee ¶
979
00:42:48,959 --> 00:42:50,358
¶ oh ¶
980
00:42:50,360 --> 00:42:53,160
¶ Dee Dee Dee ¶
981
00:42:55,330 --> 00:42:57,296
what?
982
00:42:57,298 --> 00:42:59,731
Nothing.
983
00:43:01,434 --> 00:43:03,367
[Door closes]
984
00:43:08,941 --> 00:43:10,674
What is it?
985
00:43:10,676 --> 00:43:11,841
I feel like such a loser.
986
00:43:11,843 --> 00:43:14,310
It's not your fault.
It was a lame station.
987
00:43:14,312 --> 00:43:15,144
Yeah, it was my fault.
988
00:43:15,146 --> 00:43:18,113
You can't blame a radio station.
It's my screwup.
989
00:43:18,115 --> 00:43:18,780
In what way?
990
00:43:18,782 --> 00:43:20,381
In the way that I gotta figure out what I'm gonna be.
991
00:43:20,383 --> 00:43:22,082
I mean, I don't want to be one of these disc jockeys
992
00:43:22,084 --> 00:43:25,218
that runs around the country,
you know, looking for work all the time.
993
00:43:25,220 --> 00:43:28,321
I don't want to end up like that.
It's so sad.
994
00:43:28,323 --> 00:43:31,057
It's so apparent to me now what I should be doing.
995
00:43:31,059 --> 00:43:33,092
I should be talking about my personal life.
996
00:43:33,094 --> 00:43:34,460
I've got to get intimate,
997
00:43:34,462 --> 00:43:36,728
and every time I feel like I shouldn't say something,
998
00:43:36,730 --> 00:43:40,431
maybe I should just say it, just blurt it out, you know?
999
00:43:40,433 --> 00:43:43,167
I just got to let things fly.
1000
00:43:43,169 --> 00:43:44,768
I got to go all the way.
1001
00:43:44,770 --> 00:43:47,470
You didn't go all the way before?
1002
00:43:47,472 --> 00:43:48,170
No. I mean...
1003
00:43:48,172 --> 00:43:51,940
No. A lot of times, I'm just holding back.
1004
00:43:54,244 --> 00:43:57,812
Then I guess you should go all the way.
1005
00:43:59,048 --> 00:44:00,414
Hold the sign nice and low.
1006
00:44:00,416 --> 00:44:01,448
The big smiles look very sexy.
1007
00:44:01,450 --> 00:44:03,216
This is about Howard coming to Washington.
1008
00:44:03,218 --> 00:44:04,417
What's going on here?
1009
00:44:04,419 --> 00:44:06,051
Um, we're shooting a movie.
1010
00:44:06,053 --> 00:44:06,951
Hey, you got a permit?
1011
00:44:06,953 --> 00:44:08,085
Uh, no, we don't have a permit,
1012
00:44:08,087 --> 00:44:09,086
but this is, like, one line,
1013
00:44:09,088 --> 00:44:11,188
and we'll be done with them in a second and we'll be out of your way.
1014
00:44:11,190 --> 00:44:13,190
You can't be there, then.
You're blocking the median.
1015
00:44:13,192 --> 00:44:14,424
Come on, you're gonna have to move.
1016
00:44:14,426 --> 00:44:16,025
Um, this if for the Howard stern movie.
1017
00:44:16,027 --> 00:44:18,293
Wait a minute.
You said Howard stern?
1018
00:44:18,295 --> 00:44:19,861
Yeah.
This is his movie.
1019
00:44:19,863 --> 00:44:20,394
Is Howard here?
1020
00:44:20,396 --> 00:44:22,462
No, he's not here today,
not in this scene,
1021
00:44:22,464 --> 00:44:23,296
but this is his movie.
1022
00:44:23,298 --> 00:44:24,230
Come on.
You got to move.
1023
00:44:24,232 --> 00:44:26,498
Tsk. Give us a break.
It'll take a second.
1024
00:44:26,500 --> 00:44:27,799
Just look right at the camera,
1025
00:44:27,801 --> 00:44:29,801
and say, "Howard comes to Washington."
1026
00:44:29,803 --> 00:44:30,768
Howard comes to Washington.
1027
00:44:30,770 --> 00:44:32,369
Hey, let's go!
Come on!
1028
00:44:32,371 --> 00:44:34,337
Howard's, like, a big fan of the cops.
1029
00:44:34,339 --> 00:44:35,104
He loves you guys.
1030
00:44:35,106 --> 00:44:36,405
We could have been done by now.
1031
00:44:36,407 --> 00:44:38,240
Guess what. You are done.
1032
00:44:38,242 --> 00:44:41,309
I was hired by an fm rock station, DC 101,
1033
00:44:41,311 --> 00:44:44,945
and that's when I met the other woman in my life.
1034
00:44:44,947 --> 00:44:45,745
Howard?
1035
00:44:45,747 --> 00:44:47,847
Hi. I'm Robin quivers, your newswoman.
1036
00:44:47,849 --> 00:44:51,784
Oh. Oh, I'm really looking forward to working with you.
1037
00:44:51,786 --> 00:44:52,751
It's great to meet you.
1038
00:44:52,753 --> 00:44:53,184
Same here.
1039
00:44:53,186 --> 00:44:54,218
Yeah, this is gonna be great.
1040
00:44:54,220 --> 00:44:58,288
Ok, I'm just gonna go over here and work on my script.
1041
00:44:58,290 --> 00:45:00,423
We're almost set.
1042
00:45:00,425 --> 00:45:01,524
Ooh. [Clears throat]
1043
00:45:01,526 --> 00:45:03,893
[Clearing throat]
1044
00:45:03,895 --> 00:45:05,194
[Snort snort]
1045
00:45:05,196 --> 00:45:07,930
[Sniff sniff] Ahem.
1046
00:45:07,932 --> 00:45:10,866
DC 101. Good morning.
This is Howard stern.
1047
00:45:10,868 --> 00:45:12,000
Welcome to the show.
1048
00:45:12,002 --> 00:45:14,268
I have a confession to make.
1049
00:45:14,270 --> 00:45:15,869
I did not get, uh, laid last night.
1050
00:45:15,871 --> 00:45:20,073
In fact,
I haven't gotten laid in a really long time.
1051
00:45:20,075 --> 00:45:22,341
Now, give me a call here at DC 101
1052
00:45:22,343 --> 00:45:23,909
if you have the same kind of problem.
1053
00:45:23,911 --> 00:45:24,976
Having trouble with your woman?
1054
00:45:24,978 --> 00:45:26,377
Give me a call.
I'll help you out.
1055
00:45:26,379 --> 00:45:27,878
Let me introduce,
over here to my right,
1056
00:45:27,880 --> 00:45:31,214
my beautiful new newswoman Robin quivers, who looks so beautiful,
1057
00:45:31,216 --> 00:45:35,518
I'm sure she doesn't have any of these sexual problems,
1058
00:45:35,520 --> 00:45:40,155
but I must tell you, my life is, um, very odd.
1059
00:45:40,157 --> 00:45:41,523
I get hornier and hornier.
1060
00:45:41,525 --> 00:45:44,526
My wife, she comes home from work,
she goes to sleep.
1061
00:45:44,528 --> 00:45:46,861
The whole week goes by,
she never gets horny.
1062
00:45:46,863 --> 00:45:49,263
Robin, as a woman, what is it?
1063
00:45:49,265 --> 00:45:52,165
Do women get horny?
1064
00:45:57,105 --> 00:45:58,838
Sometimes.
1065
00:45:58,840 --> 00:46:01,073
Why is he talking to his newsperson?
1066
00:46:01,075 --> 00:46:02,240
I'll have him stop.
1067
00:46:02,242 --> 00:46:03,407
What about you specifically, though?
1068
00:46:03,409 --> 00:46:08,412
When is the last time that you were with a man...
1069
00:46:08,414 --> 00:46:11,148
Sexually?
1070
00:46:11,150 --> 00:46:13,350
About a year.
1071
00:46:13,352 --> 00:46:14,517
You're serious?
1072
00:46:14,519 --> 00:46:15,851
A year?
Yeah.
1073
00:46:15,853 --> 00:46:16,885
A year, ladies and gentlemen.
1074
00:46:16,887 --> 00:46:17,919
Someone more pathetic than me.
1075
00:46:17,921 --> 00:46:20,321
This is good.
This is good.
We're getting somewhere.
1076
00:46:20,323 --> 00:46:21,955
This is a good discussion.
1077
00:46:21,957 --> 00:46:23,489
Uh, you know, I bought a book,
1078
00:46:23,491 --> 00:46:26,091
"how to score with babes,"
1079
00:46:26,093 --> 00:46:27,325
and listen to what it says.
1080
00:46:27,327 --> 00:46:28,592
I think it's rather revealing.
1081
00:46:28,594 --> 00:46:30,927
"When attempting to score with a babe,
1082
00:46:30,929 --> 00:46:32,461
"make sure to wear tight pants.
1083
00:46:32,463 --> 00:46:36,164
"If necessary, stuff a semirigid, large object
1084
00:46:36,166 --> 00:46:39,934
"into your pants to create the appearance of having a large penis."
1086
00:46:39,936 --> 00:46:41,835
Women like large penis.
1087
00:46:41,837 --> 00:46:43,970
Did he say "penis"?
1088
00:46:43,972 --> 00:46:44,870
I know about this stuff.
1089
00:46:44,872 --> 00:46:47,205
I have no bulge in my crotch.
I have a small penis,
1090
00:46:47,207 --> 00:46:49,040
and I've never told anyone this before...
1091
00:46:49,042 --> 00:46:50,307
and I don't think you should start now.
1092
00:46:50,309 --> 00:46:53,576
Well, I've done it.
Now the cat's out of the bag,
1093
00:46:53,578 --> 00:46:54,610
but this guy wrote a good book.
1094
00:46:54,612 --> 00:46:57,479
The author has slept with over 16,000 women,
1095
00:46:57,481 --> 00:46:58,980
and, uh, take it from him.
1096
00:46:58,982 --> 00:47:01,349
He says wear tight pants.
1097
00:47:01,351 --> 00:47:04,418
If he slept with 16,000 women,
1098
00:47:04,420 --> 00:47:07,621
he wouldn't have time to put on pants.
1099
00:47:07,623 --> 00:47:09,589
That is true, too.
I didn't consider that.
1100
00:47:09,591 --> 00:47:12,391
Why don't you give me a call at DC 101 if you want to talk about this.
1102
00:47:12,393 --> 00:47:16,194
We'll be back right after these words.
1103
00:47:17,931 --> 00:47:19,430
You're a genius.
1104
00:47:19,432 --> 00:47:20,230
That was great.
1105
00:47:20,232 --> 00:47:21,097
That was interesting.
1106
00:47:21,099 --> 00:47:23,632
Didn't that feel good?
That was great.
1107
00:47:23,634 --> 00:47:25,634
You say whatever you want.
1108
00:47:25,636 --> 00:47:27,602
You have carte blanche.
1109
00:47:27,604 --> 00:47:31,339
You and Robin must not talk to each other on the air.
1110
00:47:31,341 --> 00:47:33,174
And don't sing along with the music.
1111
00:47:33,176 --> 00:47:34,308
And you know what else you could do?
1112
00:47:34,310 --> 00:47:36,910
I'd like you to memorize the names of the local high schools.
1113
00:47:36,912 --> 00:47:38,144
And don't criticize Washington.
1114
00:47:38,146 --> 00:47:39,178
It's not good for ratings.
1115
00:47:39,180 --> 00:47:44,249
Now, if you'll excuse us,
we'd like to talk to Robin alone for a second.
1116
00:47:44,251 --> 00:47:45,016
Wait. I wanted...
1117
00:47:45,018 --> 00:47:46,250
you know what I want you to do for me,
1118
00:47:46,252 --> 00:47:48,918
is to make up a grid of all your comedy bits and the corresponding days of the week,
1120
00:47:48,920 --> 00:47:51,253
so that I'll know on which day you'll be doing which bit.
1121
00:47:51,255 --> 00:47:55,991
I told you I work spontaneously.
I think that I...
1122
00:48:01,231 --> 00:48:03,497
Robin...
Don't encourage him.
1123
00:48:03,499 --> 00:48:05,999
He's better when he's toned down.
1124
00:48:06,001 --> 00:48:09,235
We need you to be a friend here, Robin.
1125
00:48:09,237 --> 00:48:12,004
I'll see what I can do.
1126
00:48:12,006 --> 00:48:13,538
Great.
1127
00:48:13,540 --> 00:48:15,206
Appreciate it, Robin.
1128
00:48:15,208 --> 00:48:17,908
Ok.
Thanks.
1129
00:48:18,076 --> 00:48:21,077
I think we should separate them.
1130
00:48:21,079 --> 00:48:22,611
Orioles over the Red Sox 3-2 last night,
1131
00:48:22,613 --> 00:48:24,946
extending the os' winning streak to 7.
1132
00:48:24,948 --> 00:48:26,514
And finally,
today is Memorial Day.
1133
00:48:26,516 --> 00:48:30,618
Sunny skies and warm temperatures for veterans marching in parades
1134
00:48:30,620 --> 00:48:32,052
across the metropolitan area.
1135
00:48:32,054 --> 00:48:35,955
Highs today in the 70s.
It's 58 degrees...
1136
00:48:35,957 --> 00:48:37,489
you know, Robin, let me interrupt for a second.
1137
00:48:37,491 --> 00:48:38,923
I'm glad you brought up Memorial Day.
1138
00:48:38,925 --> 00:48:42,927
I was in Vietnam.
I'd like to talk to you about it.
1139
00:48:42,929 --> 00:48:44,395
I had 11 kills in Vietnam,
1140
00:48:44,397 --> 00:48:48,065
and I'm telling you,
I really should've had more.
1141
00:48:48,067 --> 00:48:49,466
Officially, I should've had more kills.
1142
00:48:49,468 --> 00:48:50,934
Let me tell you what I'm talking about.
1143
00:48:50,936 --> 00:48:53,369
I was in a gook village,
and I come upon a schoolhouse.
1144
00:48:53,371 --> 00:48:55,137
So I grab one of my grenades off my belt,
1145
00:48:55,139 --> 00:48:58,507
and I throw it right into the schoolhouse,
1146
00:48:58,509 --> 00:49:00,275
and I blow up the whole damn thing.
1147
00:49:00,277 --> 00:49:02,310
So I'm out there counting all the bodies.
1148
00:49:02,312 --> 00:49:04,278
You threw a grenade into a school?
1149
00:49:04,280 --> 00:49:06,513
That's exactly what I'm telling you.
1150
00:49:06,515 --> 00:49:07,680
I must've killed,
like, 200 kids.
1151
00:49:07,682 --> 00:49:09,982
My dickhead lieutenant comes up to me,
and he says,
1152
00:49:09,984 --> 00:49:13,986
"stern, those are little kids. That counts as one person."
1153
00:49:13,988 --> 00:49:15,520
Howard, I was in the military.
1154
00:49:15,522 --> 00:49:18,623
I was a captain in the air force.
What were you?
1155
00:49:18,625 --> 00:49:20,224
What was I?
1156
00:49:20,226 --> 00:49:21,258
Yeah, what were you?
1157
00:49:21,260 --> 00:49:23,093
What were you again?
I was a captain.
1158
00:49:23,095 --> 00:49:25,261
That's what I was.
I was a captain.
1159
00:49:25,263 --> 00:49:27,296
And what were you in?
1160
00:49:27,298 --> 00:49:28,563
I was in Vietnam.
1161
00:49:28,565 --> 00:49:30,398
Ohh! Army? Navy?
1162
00:49:30,400 --> 00:49:31,632
In the army.
1163
00:49:31,634 --> 00:49:33,234
Did you have a division?
1164
00:49:33,236 --> 00:49:34,768
103rd.
1165
00:49:34,770 --> 00:49:36,436
103rd what?
1166
00:49:36,438 --> 00:49:37,236
I was in the 103rd...
1167
00:49:37,238 --> 00:49:38,670
I don't know what I was in, Robin,
1168
00:49:38,672 --> 00:49:40,672
but I'm saying I was in the 103rd.
1169
00:49:40,674 --> 00:49:41,773
And the point of this whole thing
1170
00:49:41,775 --> 00:49:44,375
is that I think a kill is a kill is a kill,
1171
00:49:44,377 --> 00:49:46,577
and killing a kid should be just as good as killing an adult.
1172
00:49:46,579 --> 00:49:51,815
Well, I suppose even if you're killing children, they should count them.
1173
00:49:51,817 --> 00:49:55,151
I got some music for you now at DC 101.
1174
00:49:55,153 --> 00:49:56,785
[Robin chuckles]
1175
00:49:56,787 --> 00:49:57,352
Ha ha!
1176
00:49:57,354 --> 00:50:00,421
You're not even old enough to have been in Vietnam.
1177
00:50:00,423 --> 00:50:02,790
Duh.
Ha ha ha!
1178
00:50:02,792 --> 00:50:06,160
I couldn't sit there and not say something.
1179
00:50:06,162 --> 00:50:07,628
I knew they had told me not to talk.
1180
00:50:07,630 --> 00:50:10,597
I knew that I was going to get into trouble if I did,
1181
00:50:10,599 --> 00:50:12,098
but he was really onto something,
1182
00:50:12,100 --> 00:50:17,203
and I knew that there was something going on there...
1183
00:50:17,205 --> 00:50:20,739
And I just went for it.
1184
00:50:21,641 --> 00:50:24,341
Well, this just came from the fcc.
1185
00:50:24,343 --> 00:50:27,177
Did you say "testicles" on the air?
1186
00:50:27,179 --> 00:50:27,677
Wait a second.
1187
00:50:27,679 --> 00:50:30,146
Screw the fcc.
We just lost muffler man.
1188
00:50:30,148 --> 00:50:31,347
Hold on. We have a real problem here.
1189
00:50:31,349 --> 00:50:32,681
I'm just trying to get ratings.
1190
00:50:32,683 --> 00:50:34,315
I am just trying to run a radio station.
1191
00:50:34,317 --> 00:50:35,549
I understand that, and I'm telling you
1192
00:50:35,551 --> 00:50:38,318
that the commercial
sponsors are there once you get the ratings.
1193
00:50:38,320 --> 00:50:39,285
This is a very big problem.
1194
00:50:39,287 --> 00:50:40,853
They're gonna be lining up 10 in a row.
1195
00:50:40,855 --> 00:50:42,621
You listen to me, you stupid asshole.
1196
00:50:42,623 --> 00:50:45,323
Radio is a business, and you just cost us $40,000.
1197
00:50:45,325 --> 00:50:49,493
Wait a second.
If I do a lame show, it's never gonna take off.
1198
00:50:49,495 --> 00:50:51,394
I'm calm. I am perfectly calm.
1199
00:50:51,396 --> 00:50:54,296
D.C. carpet canceled because of him.
1200
00:50:54,298 --> 00:50:55,463
Well, I've reached my limit.
1201
00:50:55,465 --> 00:50:57,665
I don't know about you, but my back is against the wall.
1202
00:50:57,667 --> 00:50:58,666
Will everyone just sit down?
1203
00:50:58,668 --> 00:50:59,667
I just want to say one thing.
1204
00:50:59,669 --> 00:51:01,301
I really think this show's starting to take off.
1205
00:51:01,303 --> 00:51:02,535
There's a buzz on the street about it.
1206
00:51:02,537 --> 00:51:05,404
If we just give it a chance,
if we just take some time with it,
1207
00:51:05,406 --> 00:51:06,905
I think everything's gonna be ok.
1208
00:51:06,907 --> 00:51:09,874
Don't push your luck, Howard.
1209
00:51:09,876 --> 00:51:13,844
Robin leach: The countdown to our "live life like a millionaire sweepstakes"
1210
00:51:13,846 --> 00:51:14,744
is getting closer.
1211
00:51:14,746 --> 00:51:16,812
We're going to have winners take...
1212
00:51:16,814 --> 00:51:17,879
Hey!
1213
00:51:17,881 --> 00:51:18,546
Hi, honey.
1214
00:51:18,548 --> 00:51:21,448
Robin leach says we should move to Antigua.
1215
00:51:21,450 --> 00:51:23,783
Oh, yeah?
Come on, hurry up.
1216
00:51:23,785 --> 00:51:25,684
Snap to.
I'm ovulating.
1217
00:51:25,686 --> 00:51:28,820
I'm in the middle of important show research.
1218
00:51:28,822 --> 00:51:31,355
Howard, seriously, come on.
1219
00:51:31,357 --> 00:51:32,789
You know what?
You're getting baby fever here.
1220
00:51:32,791 --> 00:51:34,390
And you know, maybe it's a little premature.
1221
00:51:34,392 --> 00:51:37,292
I'm about 3 days away from being fired, the way I figure it,
1222
00:51:37,294 --> 00:51:38,393
and do you want to know something?
1223
00:51:38,395 --> 00:51:40,194
You got to think about the economics of this.
1224
00:51:40,196 --> 00:51:41,895
You're gonna be the best morning man in the history of radio.
1225
00:51:41,897 --> 00:51:43,663
At any minute, you're gonna be number one.
1226
00:51:43,665 --> 00:51:44,597
Is that so?
Yeah! Strip!
1227
00:51:44,599 --> 00:51:45,864
Let me tell you something.
Look at yourself.
1228
00:51:45,866 --> 00:51:47,498
You're completely on fire about having a baby.
1229
00:51:47,500 --> 00:51:50,334
You don't understand.
I'm not a piece of meat.
1230
00:51:50,336 --> 00:51:52,235
I mean, I have to be romanced.
1231
00:51:52,237 --> 00:51:53,903
Oh, yeah. Please.
1232
00:51:53,905 --> 00:51:57,706
Ooh, look at that bra.
Where did you get that?
1233
00:51:57,708 --> 00:51:58,406
You like this?
1234
00:51:58,408 --> 00:52:00,274
Ok. That's it.
That's it!
1235
00:52:00,276 --> 00:52:01,208
I am making a baby!
1236
00:52:01,210 --> 00:52:04,611
It's baby time! I'm ready to give you a baby.
1237
00:52:04,613 --> 00:52:05,645
Thank you.
1238
00:52:05,647 --> 00:52:07,713
Hold on.
1239
00:52:08,549 --> 00:52:09,814
Ok. Now I'm hot.
1240
00:52:09,816 --> 00:52:11,382
Now I actually want to have sex.
1241
00:52:11,384 --> 00:52:15,285
I didn't before, and now I do.
1242
00:52:15,287 --> 00:52:17,887
Robin, watch this.
1243
00:52:17,889 --> 00:52:20,222
Look at this.
1244
00:52:22,659 --> 00:52:23,491
What am I doing?
1245
00:52:23,493 --> 00:52:24,658
Uh, having a seizure?
1246
00:52:24,660 --> 00:52:27,727
That's not a seizure.
That's me dancing
1247
00:52:27,729 --> 00:52:30,396
because I'm happy 'cause I got laid last night.
1248
00:52:30,398 --> 00:52:31,597
Oh!
Yeah, I really did.
1249
00:52:31,599 --> 00:52:33,498
In fact, it was not for lust.
1250
00:52:33,500 --> 00:52:35,299
It was 'cause I was making a kid.
1251
00:52:35,301 --> 00:52:37,567
Oh.
In fact, my wife's eggs are very old.
1252
00:52:37,569 --> 00:52:39,201
They're very, you know,
she's getting older.
1253
00:52:39,203 --> 00:52:40,335
But my sperm is like supersperm,
1254
00:52:40,337 --> 00:52:42,637
so I'm pretty sure everything was delivered in one shot.
1255
00:52:42,639 --> 00:52:43,671
Oh, yeah.
Your sperm are fine.
1256
00:52:43,673 --> 00:52:46,740
My sperm are fantastic.
I'm fantastic.
1257
00:52:46,742 --> 00:52:48,441
I'm in a good mood.
Let's take some phone calls
1258
00:52:48,443 --> 00:52:50,376
and see what's doing out there.
1259
00:52:50,378 --> 00:52:52,644
Ok.
Hi, you're on the air.
1260
00:52:52,646 --> 00:52:54,812
Woman caller: Hi.
Is this Howard stern?
1261
00:52:54,814 --> 00:52:55,546
This is Howard.
1262
00:52:55,548 --> 00:52:57,347
Oh, wow.
Anyway, I was calling
1263
00:52:57,349 --> 00:52:58,514
because I have a really big problem.
1264
00:52:58,516 --> 00:52:59,414
What's your problem?
1265
00:52:59,416 --> 00:53:00,515
Well, every morning I lie in bed,
1266
00:53:00,517 --> 00:53:01,782
and the only thing I can do is think of you.
1267
00:53:01,784 --> 00:53:05,418
Really? Well, let's see if we can't help you with your problem.
1268
00:53:05,420 --> 00:53:06,252
What do you look like?
1269
00:53:06,254 --> 00:53:10,256
Well, I've got blond hair,
and I've got blue eyes,
1270
00:53:10,258 --> 00:53:13,459
and my measurements are about 38-24-34.
1271
00:53:13,461 --> 00:53:16,395
Some people tell me I look a lot like farrah fawcett.
1272
00:53:16,397 --> 00:53:18,597
I can help you.
Robin, I can help this girl.
1273
00:53:18,599 --> 00:53:19,898
You know, we have the most beautiful audience.
1274
00:53:19,900 --> 00:53:23,334
We certainly do. We're very fortunate that way.
1275
00:53:23,336 --> 00:53:24,868
You know
what we're gonna do to solve your problem?
1276
00:53:24,870 --> 00:53:26,903
I'm gonna have sex with you right now over the radio.
1277
00:53:26,905 --> 00:53:27,970
Caller: How are we gonna do that?
1278
00:53:27,972 --> 00:53:29,805
Very simple.
I've thought this through, Robin.
1279
00:53:29,807 --> 00:53:33,341
First of all, what kind of radio are you listening to us on?
1280
00:53:33,343 --> 00:53:36,277
You have a transistor radio, or you have one of those big sound systems?
1281
00:53:36,279 --> 00:53:39,280
Caller:
I have one of those big sound systems.
1282
00:53:39,282 --> 00:53:39,713
Good. Ok.
1283
00:53:39,715 --> 00:53:41,514
Could you turn the treble all the way down
1284
00:53:41,516 --> 00:53:43,849
and put the bass all the way up?
1285
00:53:43,851 --> 00:53:46,651
Ok. The treble's down,
and the bass is up.
1286
00:53:46,653 --> 00:53:49,487
Howard: Take your speaker...
you got a big speaker?
1287
00:53:49,489 --> 00:53:50,254
Caller: Yes, I do.
1288
00:53:50,256 --> 00:53:51,521
Lay it flat on the floor.
1289
00:53:51,523 --> 00:53:53,723
And I want you to sort of straddle the speaker.
1290
00:53:53,725 --> 00:53:55,825
Howard!
Caller: Do what?
1291
00:53:55,827 --> 00:53:58,294
A woman cannot be aroused in that way.
1292
00:53:58,296 --> 00:54:01,030
Howard: No.
This is really wrong, Robin.
You're absolutely wrong.
1293
00:54:01,032 --> 00:54:02,798
In fact, my father was a radio engineer,
1294
00:54:02,800 --> 00:54:05,033
and he proved this theory years ago.
1295
00:54:05,035 --> 00:54:05,933
You've got to believe.
1296
00:54:05,935 --> 00:54:09,937
Now, what I need you to do is put your private area over the woofer.
1297
00:54:09,939 --> 00:54:12,306
Caller: I can't believe you really want me to do this.
1298
00:54:12,308 --> 00:54:12,973
Howard: Come on, do it.
1299
00:54:12,975 --> 00:54:15,608
Right up against it so you can feel me.
1300
00:54:19,981 --> 00:54:20,713
I'm on.
1301
00:54:20,715 --> 00:54:22,548
Robin: Oh, I have to ask her a question.
1302
00:54:22,550 --> 00:54:26,285
What kind of a woman are you to have sex this way on the radio?
1303
00:54:26,287 --> 00:54:27,919
Don't answer that question.
Bad question, Robin.
1304
00:54:27,921 --> 00:54:30,054
You're gonna ruin this woman's mood.
1305
00:54:30,056 --> 00:54:31,922
She might start second-guessing.
1306
00:54:31,924 --> 00:54:33,056
Are you ready to have sex?
1307
00:54:33,058 --> 00:54:35,024
Caller, giggling:
Oh, my God.
1308
00:54:35,026 --> 00:54:37,526
[Hummming]
1309
00:54:39,329 --> 00:54:40,695
Ooh!
1310
00:54:41,397 --> 00:54:42,763
[Humming]
1311
00:54:42,765 --> 00:54:44,698
Oohh!
1312
00:54:44,700 --> 00:54:45,765
Ooh. It kinda tingles.
1313
00:54:45,767 --> 00:54:48,768
See? It tingles.
She likes it.
1314
00:54:48,770 --> 00:54:50,436
Yeah, sure.
1315
00:54:50,438 --> 00:54:53,672
[Humming]
1316
00:54:53,674 --> 00:54:55,840
Ohh! Oh...
1317
00:54:55,842 --> 00:54:57,908
[Howard humming]
1318
00:54:57,910 --> 00:54:59,709
She's full of it.
1319
00:54:59,711 --> 00:55:02,611
[Caller moans, Howard hums]
1320
00:55:02,613 --> 00:55:04,012
Aahh!
1321
00:55:04,014 --> 00:55:07,982
Ohh! Oh! Oh!
1322
00:55:07,984 --> 00:55:09,984
Listen to her, Robin.
She's going wild.
1323
00:55:09,986 --> 00:55:11,852
You got me moaning.
1324
00:55:11,854 --> 00:55:13,787
[Moans]
1325
00:55:13,789 --> 00:55:16,089
[Humming]
1326
00:55:16,091 --> 00:55:18,024
[Moans]
1327
00:55:18,026 --> 00:55:19,925
[Humming]
1328
00:55:19,927 --> 00:55:22,694
[Moaning]
1329
00:55:26,399 --> 00:55:27,498
Oh, my goodness.
1330
00:55:27,500 --> 00:55:29,366
[Humming]
1331
00:55:29,368 --> 00:55:32,102
Howard!
1332
00:55:32,104 --> 00:55:33,103
[Laughs]
1333
00:55:33,105 --> 00:55:35,638
This is the best sex I ever had.
1334
00:55:35,640 --> 00:55:38,007
Ooh! Standing ovation.
Thank you.
1335
00:55:38,009 --> 00:55:39,708
Oh, boy.
Thank you.
1336
00:55:39,710 --> 00:55:42,043
Take your bows.
1337
00:55:42,045 --> 00:55:45,112
A woman on the air had an orgasm.
1338
00:55:45,114 --> 00:55:46,012
Have you lost your mind?
1339
00:55:46,014 --> 00:55:47,713
But you got to admit, it was a funny bit.
1340
00:55:47,715 --> 00:55:48,780
The audience loved that stuff.
1341
00:55:48,782 --> 00:55:49,680
We just lost stereo city.
1342
00:55:49,682 --> 00:55:51,715
This is not muffler man.
This is stereo fucking city.
1343
00:55:51,717 --> 00:55:53,416
Dee Dee, you know there's gonna be other sponsors.
1344
00:55:53,418 --> 00:55:57,820
No, there's not, Howard,
'cause your career is over.
You're finished.
1345
00:55:57,822 --> 00:55:58,887
Come on!
How can you say that?
1346
00:55:58,889 --> 00:56:01,089
Dee Dee, I don't believe it.
1347
00:56:01,091 --> 00:56:03,424
He's up.
1348
00:56:03,426 --> 00:56:03,924
He's up?
1349
00:56:03,926 --> 00:56:07,128
In the new ratings book,
he's up... Two points.
1350
00:56:07,130 --> 00:56:07,828
I love you.
1351
00:56:07,830 --> 00:56:09,896
Two full points, and pizza shack called.
1352
00:56:09,898 --> 00:56:11,964
They want to buy time on the stern show.
1353
00:56:11,966 --> 00:56:14,199
I go to pizza shack all the time. Great.
1354
00:56:14,201 --> 00:56:16,935
This is a great time to talk about putting some money into the show.
1356
00:56:16,937 --> 00:56:18,036
I know a guy out of Hartford.
1357
00:56:18,038 --> 00:56:19,203
He does voices.
He does comedy.
1358
00:56:19,205 --> 00:56:22,673
Absolutely not.
This could be a fluke.
1359
00:56:22,675 --> 00:56:23,206
I guarantee you,
1360
00:56:23,208 --> 00:56:26,209
we'll go up two full rating points if you hire this guy.
1361
00:56:26,211 --> 00:56:27,577
This guy must be hot.
1362
00:56:27,579 --> 00:56:30,012
This guy is total personality.
1363
00:56:30,014 --> 00:56:30,812
He's electric.
1364
00:56:30,814 --> 00:56:35,249
[Van halen's "you really got me" playing]
1365
00:56:40,522 --> 00:56:42,655
[Imitating
William frawley]
Hey, Rick.
1366
00:56:42,657 --> 00:56:43,522
How's tricks, buddy?
1367
00:56:43,524 --> 00:56:45,991
[Imitating desi arnaz]
Fred, I've been coughing all day.
1368
00:56:45,993 --> 00:56:49,494
I feel like I'm about to cough up a lung.
1369
00:56:49,496 --> 00:56:51,562
[Cough] Blecch!
1370
00:56:51,564 --> 00:56:52,930
[Imitating Lucille ball] Waaa!
1371
00:56:52,932 --> 00:56:55,265
Both:
Oh, no! It's Lucy!
1372
00:56:55,267 --> 00:56:59,135
¶ You got me so I can't sleep at night ¶
1373
00:56:59,137 --> 00:57:01,604
¶ girl, you really got me now ¶
1374
00:57:01,606 --> 00:57:04,173
¶ you got me so I don't know where I'm going ¶
1375
00:57:04,175 --> 00:57:06,008
Howard:
Thank you very much.
1376
00:57:06,010 --> 00:57:08,577
¶ Oh, yeah, you really got me now ¶
1377
00:57:08,579 --> 00:57:10,612
¶ you got me so I can't sleep at night ¶
1378
00:57:10,614 --> 00:57:13,548
¶ you really got me, you really got me... ¶
1379
00:57:13,550 --> 00:57:16,117
Howard: Once the 3 of us were together, everything felt right.
1380
00:57:16,119 --> 00:57:18,085
I mean, things really started to take off.
1381
00:57:18,087 --> 00:57:19,686
It was then that I made a startling discovery.
1382
00:57:19,688 --> 00:57:24,157
She's a very beautiful girl.
You're telling me this beautiful woman is a lesbian?
1383
00:57:24,159 --> 00:57:26,659
Howard: Lesbians equal ratings.
1384
00:57:26,661 --> 00:57:27,893
Now let me say something.
1385
00:57:27,895 --> 00:57:30,629
I am the hero of the lesbian community,
1386
00:57:30,631 --> 00:57:31,896
am I not, Robin?
1387
00:57:31,898 --> 00:57:32,663
I guess you are.
1388
00:57:32,665 --> 00:57:33,196
I absolutely am.
1389
00:57:33,198 --> 00:57:34,564
All right. Now, let's get into it.
1390
00:57:34,566 --> 00:57:39,869
Julie, I want you to tell us about your first lesbianic experience.
1391
00:57:39,871 --> 00:57:40,202
Ok.
1392
00:57:40,204 --> 00:57:43,572
Tell me about the secret world of lesbian sex.
1393
00:57:43,574 --> 00:57:45,106
Well, Howard, I was 18.
1394
00:57:45,108 --> 00:57:45,940
Oh, you were so young.
1395
00:57:45,942 --> 00:57:48,909
Right, and I was working at a summer camp.
1396
00:57:48,911 --> 00:57:49,276
Yes?
1397
00:57:49,278 --> 00:57:54,280
And I was lying in my bunk when the camp director's wife walked in.
1399
00:57:54,282 --> 00:57:56,048
Ooh, now, that's hot.
1400
00:57:56,050 --> 00:57:58,083
Uh, everyone was asleep,
1401
00:57:58,085 --> 00:57:59,584
and I'm lying in my bunk,
1402
00:57:59,586 --> 00:58:00,918
and she sees me looking at her.
1403
00:58:00,920 --> 00:58:01,985
Howard: And then what happens?
1404
00:58:01,987 --> 00:58:04,153
She, like, signals for me to go with her.
1405
00:58:04,155 --> 00:58:05,587
What are you sleeping in?
1406
00:58:05,589 --> 00:58:06,754
'Cause this is what I picture.
1407
00:58:06,756 --> 00:58:09,556
Little cotton panties with a tight little undershirt.
1408
00:58:09,558 --> 00:58:12,625
No. I'm wearing, like, little baby-doll pajamas.
1409
00:58:12,627 --> 00:58:14,226
Oh, you tease.
1410
00:58:14,228 --> 00:58:18,096
So then she takes me into this tent.
1411
00:58:18,098 --> 00:58:20,965
When you walk in, lesbians all over the place, right?
1412
00:58:20,967 --> 00:58:23,567
I mean, a whole lesbian sex festival, right?
1413
00:58:23,569 --> 00:58:27,103
[Chuckles]
Oh, you know it, Howard.
1414
00:58:27,105 --> 00:58:28,237
Man: Howard?
1415
00:58:28,239 --> 00:58:29,037
Ohh!
1416
00:58:29,039 --> 00:58:29,670
Howard?
1417
00:58:29,672 --> 00:58:30,937
Alison on line 3.
It is important.
1418
00:58:30,939 --> 00:58:33,873
Do you believe this, in the middle of "lesbian dating game,"
1419
00:58:33,875 --> 00:58:34,640
my wife calls in?
1420
00:58:34,642 --> 00:58:35,674
Robin:
Maybe she wants to play.
1421
00:58:35,676 --> 00:58:38,710
Honey, you want to play?
You want a date with Julie?
1422
00:58:38,712 --> 00:58:39,577
Alison: Am I on the air?
1423
00:58:39,579 --> 00:58:40,844
Yes, honey, of course you're on the air.
1424
00:58:40,846 --> 00:58:42,245
I told them I wanted to talk to you off the air.
1425
00:58:42,247 --> 00:58:45,248
But, honey, you're in the middle of interrupting a beautiful, sexy moment.
1426
00:58:45,250 --> 00:58:49,118
You've got to tell everyone.
My audience wants to know why you're interrupting.
1427
00:58:49,120 --> 00:58:50,619
Don't you want to know, Robin?
1428
00:58:50,621 --> 00:58:52,220
I think we deserve to.
1429
00:58:52,222 --> 00:58:56,691
Yes, honey...
uh-oh, Al?
I think she's gone.
1430
00:58:56,693 --> 00:58:59,093
Alison: I'm pregnant.
1431
00:58:59,095 --> 00:59:00,594
What?
1432
00:59:00,596 --> 00:59:02,729
Alison: I'm pregnant.
1433
00:59:02,731 --> 00:59:04,063
Robin: Congratulations,
Howard.
1434
00:59:04,065 --> 00:59:08,200
It's my supersperm.
I knew my supersperm would do it, Robin.
1435
00:59:08,202 --> 00:59:09,000
You are so blessed.
1436
00:59:09,002 --> 00:59:10,134
Julie says we're blessed,
honey,
1437
00:59:10,136 --> 00:59:11,235
and Julie would know these things.
1438
00:59:11,237 --> 00:59:14,037
Alison: Well, I appreciate her support. Can we talk privately now?
1439
00:59:14,039 --> 00:59:14,904
Absolutely, sweetheart.
1440
00:59:14,906 --> 00:59:17,006
Wait a minute. Does she know what she's gonna have?
1441
00:59:17,008 --> 00:59:18,340
Is it gonna be a lesbian?
1442
00:59:18,342 --> 00:59:19,808
Oh, please, Robin!
You have gone too far.
1443
00:59:19,810 --> 00:59:22,110
No offense, Julie.
Please, I don't need this aggravation.
1444
00:59:22,112 --> 00:59:25,646
We're gonna take a break.
We'll get back to making out with the lesbians
1445
00:59:25,648 --> 00:59:28,715
right after these words.
1446
00:59:29,617 --> 00:59:30,215
Hi.
Alison: Hey.
1447
00:59:30,217 --> 00:59:31,115
I can't believe it.
1448
00:59:31,117 --> 00:59:32,816
I can't believe you made me do that on the air.
1449
00:59:32,818 --> 00:59:34,217
It's so exciting.
Did you call your mother?
1450
00:59:34,219 --> 00:59:37,353
I called, I called.
I feel so different.
1451
00:59:37,355 --> 00:59:38,020
I know.
1452
00:59:38,022 --> 00:59:39,888
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
1453
00:59:39,890 --> 00:59:41,389
I'm flipping out, too.
1454
00:59:41,391 --> 00:59:43,057
I'm somebody's father.
1455
00:59:43,059 --> 00:59:44,224
Oh, my God!
1456
00:59:44,226 --> 00:59:45,124
[Crowd chanting "Howard"]
1457
00:59:45,126 --> 00:59:46,225
Reporter:
Love him or hate him,
1458
00:59:46,227 --> 00:59:48,160
unconventional disc jockey Howard stern
1459
00:59:48,162 --> 00:59:50,128
jumped to the top of the ratings today,
1460
00:59:50,130 --> 00:59:52,296
making him number one in greater Washington.
1461
00:59:52,298 --> 00:59:56,733
I took a dump of a radio station and returned it to glory.
1462
00:59:56,735 --> 00:59:59,035
I look like Hitler.
1463
00:59:59,037 --> 01:00:00,803
I was thrilled, totally overjoyed.
1464
01:00:00,805 --> 01:00:02,738
I mean, we were gonna have our first child,
1465
01:00:02,740 --> 01:00:04,706
and 6 weeks later, the new ratings came out.
1466
01:00:04,708 --> 01:00:07,275
We destroyed every other station in the market.
1467
01:00:07,277 --> 01:00:08,676
My life was perfect.
1468
01:00:08,678 --> 01:00:11,779
I'm gonna grab this guy's hat,
1469
01:00:11,781 --> 01:00:14,882
if they show it.
1470
01:00:16,185 --> 01:00:19,886
Howard on TV:
I'll tell you another thing...
1471
01:00:19,888 --> 01:00:21,120
Look, watch this.
1472
01:00:21,122 --> 01:00:22,387
You're gonna miss it.
1473
01:00:22,389 --> 01:00:23,087
Come here.
1474
01:00:23,089 --> 01:00:24,254
Howard on TV:
I am officer Howie,
1475
01:00:24,256 --> 01:00:29,425
and there's a new law in town.
We're taking over.
1476
01:00:30,094 --> 01:00:31,159
Alison: How!
1477
01:00:31,161 --> 01:00:31,959
I love you.
1478
01:00:31,961 --> 01:00:34,328
[Crowd chanting "Howard"]
1479
01:00:34,330 --> 01:00:35,862
Al, are you ok?
1480
01:00:35,864 --> 01:00:39,699
I think something's wrong.
1481
01:00:39,701 --> 01:00:40,866
Even if I put you in the hospital
1482
01:00:40,868 --> 01:00:44,769
and I pumped you full of every medication possible,
1483
01:00:44,771 --> 01:00:48,105
you still would've lost the pregnancy.
1484
01:00:59,017 --> 01:01:03,285
And your body rejected what was going on, and that's so healthy.
1485
01:01:03,287 --> 01:01:04,686
It's such a good way to look at it,
1486
01:01:04,688 --> 01:01:06,921
and in a couple of months, we're gonna try to have a baby again,
1487
01:01:06,923 --> 01:01:08,088
and everything's gonna go great.
1488
01:01:08,090 --> 01:01:10,924
You're gonna be totally confident that everything's going good
1489
01:01:10,926 --> 01:01:12,959
because you know your body would reject it
1490
01:01:12,961 --> 01:01:17,930
if it wasn't going right... You know?
1491
01:01:19,967 --> 01:01:22,934
I have to tell my parents.
1492
01:01:23,069 --> 01:01:26,770
Not really.
We don't have to tell your parents.
1493
01:01:26,772 --> 01:01:30,006
You know what you could do?
1494
01:01:30,208 --> 01:01:31,408
I didn't want to tell you this,
1495
01:01:31,409 --> 01:01:33,976
but I took a polaroid of the toilet.
1496
01:01:33,978 --> 01:01:36,178
And we can just mail them a picture of that,
1497
01:01:36,180 --> 01:01:38,313
and they can walk around Florida, you know,
1498
01:01:38,315 --> 01:01:39,781
and say, "this is our grandchild,"
1499
01:01:39,783 --> 01:01:40,915
and your mother will be so happy.
1500
01:01:40,917 --> 01:01:43,284
She just wants pictures to show her friends.
1501
01:01:43,286 --> 01:01:44,118
No.
You know that.
1502
01:01:44,120 --> 01:01:47,187
She just wants to be like all the other yentas who walk around.
1503
01:01:47,189 --> 01:01:50,990
You know, we could name the baby and everything.
Clumpy... Clumpy stern.
1504
01:01:50,992 --> 01:01:56,929
She could walk around with your father and little clumpy pictures.
1505
01:01:57,064 --> 01:02:00,865
Chorus, on tape: ¶ all the weather ¶
1506
01:02:00,867 --> 01:02:03,400
¶ now here's God ¶
1507
01:02:03,402 --> 01:02:04,134
your holiness.
1508
01:02:04,136 --> 01:02:05,835
Howard as God:
Hello, Howard.
1509
01:02:05,837 --> 01:02:06,335
There you are.
1510
01:02:06,337 --> 01:02:08,303
I see your wife had a miscarriage.
1511
01:02:08,305 --> 01:02:09,437
Aw, don't bring that up, God.
1512
01:02:09,439 --> 01:02:11,138
Please, that's way too personal.
1513
01:02:11,140 --> 01:02:15,275
You tried to have a baby, and you failed.
1514
01:02:15,277 --> 01:02:16,009
Oh, man!
1515
01:02:16,011 --> 01:02:18,945
Now the baby is with me!
1516
01:02:18,947 --> 01:02:19,745
This is crazy.
1517
01:02:19,747 --> 01:02:21,980
Boy, what a loser you are.
1518
01:02:21,982 --> 01:02:24,148
Wow! He's getting awfully personal this morning.
1519
01:02:24,150 --> 01:02:26,216
Hey, God, me and my wife are trying to have another baby.
1520
01:02:26,218 --> 01:02:29,752
A real man would have done it right the first time.
1521
01:02:29,754 --> 01:02:31,286
Oh, for God's sake.
1522
01:02:31,288 --> 01:02:33,054
It will be pleasant today.
1523
01:02:33,056 --> 01:02:34,288
Rain tomorrow.
[Baby crying]
1524
01:02:34,290 --> 01:02:35,222
That's my kid up there.
1525
01:02:35,224 --> 01:02:38,792
This is God with the weather on DC 101.
1526
01:02:38,794 --> 01:02:39,492
You're all wrong, God.
1527
01:02:39,494 --> 01:02:41,360
You're completely out of line this morning.
1528
01:02:41,362 --> 01:02:42,961
I don't think we should be talking about this.
1529
01:02:42,963 --> 01:02:46,497
I went to the doctor with my wife, and it was an awful experience,
1530
01:02:46,499 --> 01:02:49,900
because
the doctor walks out, and there's your kid,
1531
01:02:49,902 --> 01:02:50,533
your beautiful child,
1532
01:02:50,535 --> 01:02:52,334
and he's no bigger than the size of an aspirin.
1533
01:02:52,336 --> 01:02:56,304
Howie Jr., no bigger than the size of an aspirin.
1534
01:02:56,306 --> 01:02:57,104
Robin: Was it a boy?
1535
01:02:57,106 --> 01:02:59,106
It was a boy, yes.
Little, tiny feet.
1536
01:02:59,108 --> 01:03:02,476
And then you look at him, and he's in the formaldehyde jar,
1537
01:03:02,478 --> 01:03:04,811
and I said to my wife, "honey, don't be upset
1538
01:03:04,813 --> 01:03:06,246
"that Howard Jr.'s in a formaldehyde jar.
1539
01:03:06,248 --> 01:03:08,248
"We're gonna take him out of this office,
we'll bring him home,
1540
01:03:08,250 --> 01:03:11,484
and next week we'll bring him to the zoo in a stroller."
1541
01:03:11,486 --> 01:03:12,985
Oh, please!
1542
01:03:12,987 --> 01:03:14,987
I don't want to talk about it, Robin.
1543
01:03:14,989 --> 01:03:16,321
I really think you need counseling.
1544
01:03:16,323 --> 01:03:18,256
I'm gonna play a record.
DC 101.
1545
01:03:18,258 --> 01:03:20,124
We got some great tunes for you this morning,
1546
01:03:20,126 --> 01:03:23,527
and then Robin will analyze me when we get back from this song.
1547
01:03:23,529 --> 01:03:25,929
Very sad music.
1548
01:03:25,931 --> 01:03:27,130
["Taps" playing]
1549
01:03:27,132 --> 01:03:30,199
Not that, Fred. Play something else, please,
1550
01:03:30,201 --> 01:03:31,300
for God's sake.
1551
01:03:31,302 --> 01:03:34,269
DC 101. Here's rock 'n' roll for you.
1552
01:03:34,271 --> 01:03:36,337
[Music playing]
1553
01:03:42,044 --> 01:03:45,945
Hi. Al, you home?
1554
01:03:46,614 --> 01:03:49,648
Hi. How you feeling?
You ok?
1555
01:03:49,650 --> 01:03:51,282
How could you do that?
Do you think that was funny?
1556
01:03:51,284 --> 01:03:55,019
You think it's funny to make jokes about our personal life like that?
1557
01:03:55,021 --> 01:03:55,919
You're an asshole.
1558
01:03:55,921 --> 01:03:57,353
What are you talking about?
1559
01:03:57,355 --> 01:03:59,621
Alison, I love you.
What are you talking about?
1560
01:03:59,623 --> 01:04:01,289
Howard, not everything is for your audience.
1561
01:04:01,291 --> 01:04:03,257
I need a life that is ours, that belongs to us.
1562
01:04:03,259 --> 01:04:06,526
I'm on the air 5 hours a day.
I'm trying to come up with material.
1563
01:04:06,528 --> 01:04:07,960
I hate going out.
1564
01:04:07,962 --> 01:04:08,360
Too bad!
1565
01:04:08,362 --> 01:04:10,161
I said when we came here,
if I was gonna win on the radio,
1566
01:04:10,163 --> 01:04:13,364
I'd have to talk about everything.
I couldn't hold back.
1567
01:04:13,366 --> 01:04:16,633
Howard...
come on, last night we were laughing about this.
1568
01:04:16,635 --> 01:04:18,368
I just assumed you thought it was funny.
1569
01:04:18,370 --> 01:04:20,336
It was funny for us last night.
1570
01:04:20,338 --> 01:04:21,136
Privately, for us.
1571
01:04:21,138 --> 01:04:23,471
Alison, if I don't talk about you and me on the air...
1572
01:04:23,473 --> 01:04:24,271
Shut up. Shut up.
1573
01:04:24,273 --> 01:04:25,472
The audience isn't gonna be there.
1574
01:04:25,474 --> 01:04:27,340
Shut up! Shut up!
I won't make any money.
1575
01:04:27,342 --> 01:04:28,607
Shut up!
You disgust me!
1576
01:04:28,609 --> 01:04:32,711
I can't even look at you, idiot!
1577
01:04:35,482 --> 01:04:36,380
It's hard, you know?
1578
01:04:36,382 --> 01:04:40,050
When he shares our most personal details of our life together
1579
01:04:40,052 --> 01:04:45,288
with, you know, millions of listeners,
it's...
1580
01:04:45,490 --> 01:04:50,593
I wish that there were more things that could be just ours...
1581
01:04:51,295 --> 01:04:55,063
But I think it's right that I go crazy, you know?
1582
01:04:55,065 --> 01:04:58,433
You know, I think...
I don't know.
1583
01:04:58,435 --> 01:05:02,103
It's not simple.
1584
01:05:04,040 --> 01:05:09,243
Our entire Washington radio audience has disappeared.
1585
01:05:09,245 --> 01:05:11,144
It seems the competition has a disc jockey
1586
01:05:11,146 --> 01:05:15,081
that's caused a bit of a shift in the listening patterns.
1587
01:05:15,083 --> 01:05:21,520
One disc jockey has wiped out our entire audience?
1588
01:05:22,256 --> 01:05:23,188
Can we get him?
1589
01:05:23,190 --> 01:05:26,558
I've got such good news.
It's gonna blow your mind.
1590
01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:27,492
All right.
You go first.
1591
01:05:27,494 --> 01:05:30,495
Ok. All right,
that's rude.
You go first.
1592
01:05:30,497 --> 01:05:31,462
Go first.
1593
01:05:31,464 --> 01:05:32,362
Ok. Listen to this.
1594
01:05:32,364 --> 01:05:34,464
I listen to radio.
I like show.
1595
01:05:34,466 --> 01:05:37,733
But don't make fun of the Chinese people.
1596
01:05:37,735 --> 01:05:39,334
Make fun, not funny.
1597
01:05:39,336 --> 01:05:41,769
I didn't make fun of the Chinese people, did I?
1598
01:05:41,771 --> 01:05:43,270
Probably.
1599
01:05:43,272 --> 01:05:45,372
I bring egg rolls.
1600
01:05:45,374 --> 01:05:49,309
What is your news?
What is it?
1601
01:05:49,311 --> 01:05:50,777
It's unbelievable.
1602
01:05:50,779 --> 01:05:52,779
I got a job offer today from wnbc in New York.
1603
01:05:52,781 --> 01:05:57,250
Afternoon drive, the most powerful radio station in their chain,
1604
01:05:57,252 --> 01:05:59,051
$150,000 a year,
1605
01:05:59,053 --> 01:06:00,185
and they said if I do really well,
1606
01:06:00,187 --> 01:06:03,388
they're gonna syndicate my program all over the country.
1607
01:06:03,390 --> 01:06:05,123
This is it. This is everything I want.
1608
01:06:05,125 --> 01:06:09,460
It's like...
it's the dream, the big apple.
1609
01:06:09,462 --> 01:06:12,763
I'm pregnant.
1610
01:06:13,298 --> 01:06:15,164
You're pregnant?
1611
01:06:15,166 --> 01:06:17,232
Mm-hmm.
1612
01:06:21,504 --> 01:06:22,569
Come here.
1613
01:06:22,571 --> 01:06:23,503
What?
1614
01:06:23,505 --> 01:06:26,172
Come here.
Just come here.
1615
01:06:26,174 --> 01:06:27,206
Come here.
1616
01:06:27,208 --> 01:06:28,173
My God.
1617
01:06:28,175 --> 01:06:29,641
Pregnant?
1618
01:06:29,776 --> 01:06:31,475
So what's going on?
What's gonna happen?
1619
01:06:31,477 --> 01:06:32,642
Everything's good.
1620
01:06:32,644 --> 01:06:33,209
Yeah?
1621
01:06:33,211 --> 01:06:34,176
She's gonna get naked?
1622
01:06:34,178 --> 01:06:34,809
Yeah, sure. Of course.
1623
01:06:34,811 --> 01:06:38,813
All right.
Let's get her out.
Let's do it.
1624
01:06:38,815 --> 01:06:39,680
She'll get naked?
1625
01:06:39,682 --> 01:06:43,750
Yeah. That's why
we're here, man.
Ok.
1626
01:06:44,686 --> 01:06:45,818
Ok, honey.
1627
01:06:45,820 --> 01:06:47,119
Hi. How's it going?
1628
01:06:47,121 --> 01:06:48,420
Good.
This is Gary.
1629
01:06:48,422 --> 01:06:49,287
Hi.
How you doing?
1630
01:06:49,289 --> 01:06:52,456
Good. I'm sorry. I know I told you I'd do this,
1631
01:06:52,458 --> 01:06:54,057
but I really changed my mind.
1632
01:06:54,059 --> 01:06:55,391
I don't want to do it anymore.
1633
01:06:55,393 --> 01:06:58,060
Ok. What's, uh, like, what's the problem?
1634
01:06:58,062 --> 01:06:59,127
What are you worried about?
1635
01:06:59,129 --> 01:06:59,827
I just changed my mind.
1636
01:06:59,829 --> 01:07:01,395
Husband:
What do you mean?
You are doing it.
1637
01:07:01,397 --> 01:07:03,663
We didn't drive here for you to change your mind.
1638
01:07:03,665 --> 01:07:06,232
No. It's just very humiliating to me.
1639
01:07:06,234 --> 01:07:07,199
What's humiliating?
1640
01:07:07,201 --> 01:07:08,300
It's not that big a deal.
1641
01:07:08,302 --> 01:07:09,467
We've done it a lot on the show.
1642
01:07:09,469 --> 01:07:12,203
I think Howard would appreciate it if you would do it for us.
1643
01:07:12,205 --> 01:07:15,239
No. I changed my mind, and I'm really sorry.
1644
01:07:15,241 --> 01:07:18,075
I know I told you that I'd do it, but I don't want to.
1645
01:07:18,077 --> 01:07:19,209
I think it's very humiliating.
1646
01:07:19,211 --> 01:07:22,312
Husband: Honey, this is not humiliating.
This is show business.
1647
01:07:22,314 --> 01:07:23,646
You got a great body.
Let everybody see it.
1648
01:07:23,648 --> 01:07:24,647
Yeah.
You're beautiful.
1649
01:07:24,649 --> 01:07:27,816
You're my husband.
Don't make me do something I don't want to do.
1650
01:07:27,818 --> 01:07:29,784
I'm proud of you,
and I want you to do it.
1651
01:07:29,786 --> 01:07:31,685
That's why we drove here from Jersey.
1652
01:07:31,687 --> 01:07:33,586
What the hell is this donkey here for?
1653
01:07:33,588 --> 01:07:35,454
Nobody told me anything about a donkey.
1654
01:07:35,456 --> 01:07:36,822
It's a show business donkey.
1655
01:07:36,824 --> 01:07:38,557
The donkey's not part of the act.
1656
01:07:38,559 --> 01:07:39,724
It had nothing to do with you.
1657
01:07:39,726 --> 01:07:41,358
You'll feel at ease once we go do it.
1658
01:07:41,360 --> 01:07:42,459
It'll just take two seconds.
1659
01:07:42,461 --> 01:07:44,761
Right now, I need to know,
are you doing it or not?
1660
01:07:44,763 --> 01:07:46,229
No, I'm not.
1661
01:07:46,231 --> 01:07:47,096
Honey, you are doing it.
1662
01:07:47,098 --> 01:07:50,265
I changed my mind.
And you're my husband.
You should support me.
1663
01:07:50,267 --> 01:07:51,266
Howard goes to New York.
1664
01:07:51,268 --> 01:07:53,434
Thanks for nothing, guys.
Gino, let the donkey go.
1665
01:07:53,436 --> 01:07:55,803
Come on, guys.
Wrap it up.
They're not doing it.
1666
01:07:55,805 --> 01:07:59,439
[David bowie's
"let's dance" playing]
1667
01:08:04,546 --> 01:08:06,779
¶ Let's dance ¶
1668
01:08:06,781 --> 01:08:08,781
¶ put on your red shoes ¶
1669
01:08:08,783 --> 01:08:12,718
¶ and dance the blues ¶
1670
01:08:12,720 --> 01:08:14,252
¶ let's dance ¶
1671
01:08:14,254 --> 01:08:20,258
¶ to the song they're playing on the radio... ¶
1672
01:08:20,393 --> 01:08:22,860
reporter:
What you're about to hear is going to shock you
1673
01:08:22,862 --> 01:08:24,695
because it's vulgar and obscene.
1674
01:08:24,697 --> 01:08:27,698
It's x-rated radio, barnyard radio.
1675
01:08:27,700 --> 01:08:31,334
You mommies and daddies out there who complained to the radio station,
1676
01:08:31,336 --> 01:08:32,868
I got something to say to you.
1677
01:08:32,870 --> 01:08:35,170
Here. [Passes gas]
1678
01:08:35,172 --> 01:08:37,205
Reporter: This is a story with a twist.
1679
01:08:37,207 --> 01:08:38,339
While we were producing this report,
1680
01:08:38,341 --> 01:08:42,476
Howard stern was lured away from Washington by a New York City station.
1681
01:08:42,478 --> 01:08:46,446
That station, you guessed it, is wnbc...
1682
01:08:46,448 --> 01:08:48,181
[TV clicks off]
1683
01:08:48,183 --> 01:08:54,320
This person is coming here to work at
our flagship station?
1684
01:08:54,322 --> 01:08:54,820
Yes.
1685
01:08:54,822 --> 01:08:58,490
Brad, you gave this trash-talking bastard a 3-year deal
1686
01:08:58,492 --> 01:09:00,925
without even hearing him on the air?
1687
01:09:00,927 --> 01:09:01,592
Yes, Roger.
1688
01:09:01,594 --> 01:09:03,493
He's on the fcc's most-wanted list.
1689
01:09:03,495 --> 01:09:04,527
Roger, his rate...
1690
01:09:04,529 --> 01:09:06,395
Chuck, will you show him the numbers.
1691
01:09:06,397 --> 01:09:07,295
Through the roof.
1692
01:09:07,297 --> 01:09:08,529
No, no. Don't bother.
1693
01:09:08,531 --> 01:09:11,598
You're fired, all of you. Get out.
1694
01:09:14,502 --> 01:09:16,902
Get out!
1695
01:09:28,515 --> 01:09:31,549
You know, unless he quits,
1696
01:09:31,551 --> 01:09:33,717
it's gonna cost half a million dollars
1697
01:09:33,719 --> 01:09:35,885
to buy stern's contract out.
1698
01:09:35,887 --> 01:09:39,688
I reject that on principle.
1699
01:09:39,690 --> 01:09:44,826
Uh, Mr. erlick,
if I may?
1700
01:09:45,195 --> 01:09:47,728
Put me in charge of the stern show.
1701
01:09:47,730 --> 01:09:48,628
Let me ride herd on him,
1702
01:09:48,630 --> 01:09:51,497
and I'll mold that son of a bitch into another don imus.
1703
01:09:51,499 --> 01:09:52,798
When I'm through whipping him,
1704
01:09:52,800 --> 01:09:55,967
that boy will be asking permission to wipe his ass.
1705
01:09:55,969 --> 01:09:57,435
You want to tame him?
1706
01:09:57,437 --> 01:09:59,437
Well, either I'll tame him,
1707
01:09:59,439 --> 01:10:03,474
or I'll make him so crazy he'll quit.
1708
01:10:03,476 --> 01:10:06,543
So either way, we win.
1709
01:10:06,545 --> 01:10:08,912
I'll tell you, these halls are, like,
1710
01:10:08,914 --> 01:10:10,747
you know, uh, legendary.
1711
01:10:10,749 --> 01:10:11,981
It's pretty wild.
1712
01:10:11,983 --> 01:10:13,415
Kenny. Howard stern.
1713
01:10:13,417 --> 01:10:15,216
Hi. Hey,
how you doing?
1714
01:10:15,218 --> 01:10:15,683
Howard!
1715
01:10:15,685 --> 01:10:16,450
Great to meet you.
1716
01:10:16,452 --> 01:10:18,518
Oh, it is such a pleasure to meet you, Howard.
1717
01:10:18,520 --> 01:10:20,453
What can I say?
This is unbelievable,
you know.
1718
01:10:20,455 --> 01:10:22,888
Kenny is the hottest young programmer in New York City.
1719
01:10:22,890 --> 01:10:26,858
Howard, you gotta listen to this man 'cause he's a genius.
1720
01:10:26,860 --> 01:10:28,926
Come on, now.
Ha ha ha ha.
1721
01:10:28,928 --> 01:10:29,559
Play nice.
1722
01:10:29,561 --> 01:10:30,593
Kenny: Thanks, man.
God bless.
1723
01:10:30,595 --> 01:10:31,794
Good seeing you. I'll see you later.
1724
01:10:31,796 --> 01:10:32,594
He's terrific.
1725
01:10:32,596 --> 01:10:33,695
Oh, yeah, he's been terrific.
1726
01:10:33,697 --> 01:10:35,363
Everyone's been so nice.
It's a good feeling.
1727
01:10:35,365 --> 01:10:36,997
Howard, how about you have a seat?
1728
01:10:36,999 --> 01:10:40,867
Oh, Howard, Howard,
Howard, Howard,
Howard.
1729
01:10:40,869 --> 01:10:42,602
[Both chuckling]
1730
01:10:42,604 --> 01:10:45,639
Howard...
The way we work here at nbc...
1731
01:10:45,641 --> 01:10:48,975
Is a more professional manner than you're probably used to.
1732
01:10:48,977 --> 01:10:52,611
Now, see, I don't care about what you did down in Washington,
1733
01:10:52,613 --> 01:10:54,512
'cause that's chickenshit radio.
1734
01:10:54,514 --> 01:10:58,582
Here at nbc, this is real radio,
1735
01:10:58,584 --> 01:11:03,619
and the first thing you've gotta do is say the call letters properly, ok?
1737
01:11:03,621 --> 01:11:06,688
Now, I'm gonna teach you how to say them, all right?
1738
01:11:06,690 --> 01:11:08,823
And you know, I hope you can get them,
1739
01:11:08,825 --> 01:11:13,060
because, see, you don't have a real good voice like imus or captain Frank or nothing,
1741
01:11:13,062 --> 01:11:15,462
so we're gonna have to practice it.
1742
01:11:15,464 --> 01:11:17,063
Well...
1743
01:11:17,065 --> 01:11:18,364
You mean practice in here now?
1744
01:11:18,366 --> 01:11:23,535
You're not going to get bashful on me now,
are you, Howard?
1745
01:11:23,537 --> 01:11:25,470
Ok, you ready?
1746
01:11:25,472 --> 01:11:29,440
The way it's said properly is...
1747
01:11:29,442 --> 01:11:32,876
W n... Bc.
1748
01:11:34,946 --> 01:11:36,946
This is key.
1749
01:11:36,948 --> 01:11:37,579
Come on.
1750
01:11:37,581 --> 01:11:39,714
[Unenthusiastically]
W n... Bc.
1751
01:11:39,716 --> 01:11:40,114
No. No.
1752
01:11:40,116 --> 01:11:41,648
It's gotta be more like this.
1753
01:11:41,650 --> 01:11:42,815
[Clears throat] Listen up.
1754
01:11:42,817 --> 01:11:45,450
[Voice lilting]
W n... Bc.
1755
01:11:45,452 --> 01:11:46,017
You hear that?
1756
01:11:46,019 --> 01:11:48,452
Kinda lift,
that n... Bc.
1757
01:11:48,454 --> 01:11:51,121
[Overemphasizing]
W n... Bc.
1758
01:11:51,123 --> 01:11:53,723
[Together]
W n... Bc.
1759
01:11:53,725 --> 01:11:54,690
Wider and kind of...
1760
01:11:54,692 --> 01:11:56,658
[Together]
W n... Bc.
1761
01:11:56,660 --> 01:11:57,091
One more.
1762
01:11:57,093 --> 01:11:58,125
In my mind, I'm hearing...
1763
01:11:58,127 --> 01:12:00,594
it sounds like I'm saying exactly what you're saying.
1764
01:12:00,596 --> 01:12:01,661
No. Actually...
1765
01:12:01,663 --> 01:12:02,395
w n... Bc.
1766
01:12:02,397 --> 01:12:04,029
You've gotta listen to imus.
1767
01:12:04,031 --> 01:12:05,463
Imus does it perfectly.
1768
01:12:05,465 --> 01:12:08,399
Tell you what. I'm gonna take you down to imus' office right now,
1769
01:12:08,401 --> 01:12:11,502
and you're gonna hear how he does it.
Come on, boy.
1770
01:12:11,504 --> 01:12:12,503
You know, I...
come on.
1771
01:12:12,505 --> 01:12:13,604
I gotta tell you something, Kenny.
1772
01:12:13,606 --> 01:12:15,872
I always saw myself sort of something different than imus.
1773
01:12:15,874 --> 01:12:17,807
That's why you hired me.
1774
01:12:17,809 --> 01:12:21,544
You are original.
You are original,
but...[Clears throat]
1775
01:12:21,546 --> 01:12:23,646
You say a lot of offensive things,
1776
01:12:23,648 --> 01:12:25,180
and occasionally you are real funny,
1777
01:12:25,182 --> 01:12:27,415
but you've got to learn to do what imus does.
1778
01:12:27,417 --> 01:12:30,818
See, he doesn't actually say the bad thing himself.
1779
01:12:30,820 --> 01:12:31,985
He says it through a character.
1780
01:12:31,987 --> 01:12:33,152
Yeah, well, I don't do character...
1781
01:12:33,154 --> 01:12:35,888
how about you go on the air 3:00 A.M. this morning,
1782
01:12:35,890 --> 01:12:37,823
show us some characters. Ok?
1783
01:12:37,825 --> 01:12:45,062
Good. Now, I'm gonna go in there and just see how he's feeling.
You stay here. Ok?
1785
01:12:45,064 --> 01:12:47,531
Mr. imus?
1786
01:12:50,502 --> 01:12:50,933
Back then,
1787
01:12:50,935 --> 01:12:53,068
don imus was the number-one disc jockey in New York,
1788
01:12:53,070 --> 01:12:55,503
so I guess I was kind of curious to meet him.
1789
01:12:55,505 --> 01:12:56,770
Imus: You are interrupting me.
1790
01:12:56,772 --> 01:12:58,505
Kenny: I have, uh, Howard stern outside.
1791
01:12:58,507 --> 01:12:59,138
You have who outside?
1792
01:12:59,140 --> 01:13:00,606
The young man from Washington that we...
1793
01:13:00,608 --> 01:13:02,174
you have Howard stern outside my fucking office?
1794
01:13:02,176 --> 01:13:04,743
How did Howard stern get outside my fucking office?
1795
01:13:04,745 --> 01:13:05,543
I brought him down...
1796
01:13:05,545 --> 01:13:09,513
well, I'm not gonna meet that stupid fuck.
He's nothing.
1797
01:13:10,682 --> 01:13:13,449
Fuck off!
1798
01:13:14,018 --> 01:13:15,784
¶ 66 ¶
1799
01:13:15,786 --> 01:13:19,053
¶ wnbc ¶
1800
01:13:19,055 --> 01:13:20,055
hello. I'm Robin quivers,
1801
01:13:20,056 --> 01:13:23,023
and it's my great pleasure to introduce you
1802
01:13:23,025 --> 01:13:25,592
to New York's newest disc jockey.
1803
01:13:25,594 --> 01:13:27,860
Howard, lisping:
Ooo-ey, that's me.
1804
01:13:27,862 --> 01:13:31,196
Hi.
I'm Lance eluxina on w n... Bc.
1805
01:13:31,198 --> 01:13:32,463
Wnbc.
1806
01:13:32,465 --> 01:13:33,464
I'm so excited
1807
01:13:33,466 --> 01:13:36,967
because I am New York's first ever gay disc jockey.
1808
01:13:36,969 --> 01:13:37,567
Ever!
1809
01:13:37,569 --> 01:13:39,468
And now I want to introduce to you...
1810
01:13:39,470 --> 01:13:40,168
this is so exciting...
1811
01:13:40,170 --> 01:13:41,135
I want to introduce to you
1812
01:13:41,137 --> 01:13:43,170
someone
so marvelous,
so wonderful to me,
1813
01:13:43,172 --> 01:13:44,204
someone who has supported me,
1814
01:13:44,206 --> 01:13:46,072
is my life mate,
my soul mate,
my love mate.
1815
01:13:46,074 --> 01:13:49,942
He's everything and anything to me,
Mr. blackswell.
1816
01:13:49,944 --> 01:13:51,009
[Lisping]
Willkommen. Bienvenue.
1817
01:13:51,011 --> 01:13:55,146
Welcome. Oh, Robin,
it's so lovely to see you here today.
1818
01:13:55,148 --> 01:13:56,514
Hi, Mr. engineer. Hi.
1819
01:13:56,516 --> 01:13:58,182
Mmm. Give me a kiss. Mmm!
1820
01:13:58,184 --> 01:14:00,484
You two are just adorable together,
1821
01:14:00,486 --> 01:14:03,520
and it's a wonderful thing to have you here,
1822
01:14:03,522 --> 01:14:06,689
but I understand there's already been a problem?
1823
01:14:06,691 --> 01:14:07,690
Yes. You know about this?
1824
01:14:07,692 --> 01:14:09,658
I was in the program director's office.
1825
01:14:09,660 --> 01:14:10,592
His name is pig vomit.
1826
01:14:10,594 --> 01:14:12,060
Yes, because he looks like a pig,
1827
01:14:12,062 --> 01:14:13,561
and he makes you want to vomit.
1828
01:14:13,563 --> 01:14:14,194
He's pig vomit.
1829
01:14:14,196 --> 01:14:15,862
Anyway, pig vomit says to me,
1830
01:14:15,864 --> 01:14:17,263
"this is not wnbc.
1831
01:14:17,265 --> 01:14:20,165
"It is w n... Bc,
w n... Bc,"
1832
01:14:20,167 --> 01:14:22,567
and I was not saying the call letters right.
1833
01:14:22,569 --> 01:14:23,267
It's a big problem,
1834
01:14:23,269 --> 01:14:25,669
so in order to rectify this,
1835
01:14:25,671 --> 01:14:29,639
I brought in a cup of blackswell's semen.
1836
01:14:29,641 --> 01:14:30,506
Semen?
1837
01:14:30,508 --> 01:14:31,240
I squoze it myself.
1838
01:14:31,242 --> 01:14:32,541
I hope it's not too tangy.
1839
01:14:32,543 --> 01:14:33,675
And what are you gonna do with it?
1840
01:14:33,677 --> 01:14:34,709
I'm gonna gargle with this
1841
01:14:34,711 --> 01:14:37,011
and say the call letters over and over again until I get it right.
1842
01:14:37,013 --> 01:14:38,045
You think that'll work?
1843
01:14:38,047 --> 01:14:40,714
I don't care, 'cause I love the taste of a man. Ooga.
1844
01:14:40,716 --> 01:14:41,748
Ooga.
Ooga.
Ooga.
1845
01:14:41,750 --> 01:14:44,517
All right, if I could have some music now.
1846
01:14:44,519 --> 01:14:45,918
Mr. engineer, please,
some music.
1847
01:14:45,920 --> 01:14:48,820
Would you, please?
Would you give us a record,
1848
01:14:48,822 --> 01:14:49,253
por favor?
1849
01:14:49,255 --> 01:14:51,688
[K.C. And the sunshine band's "keep it coming, love" playing]
1850
01:14:51,690 --> 01:14:52,689
Ok, thank you.
1851
01:14:52,691 --> 01:14:54,824
Now watch and learn.
1852
01:14:54,826 --> 01:14:57,827
¶ LA LA LA LA LA LA ¶
1853
01:14:58,930 --> 01:15:00,162
[gargling]
1854
01:15:00,164 --> 01:15:02,597
W n..Bc.
1855
01:15:02,599 --> 01:15:04,298
Thar she blows.
1856
01:15:04,300 --> 01:15:08,035
[Gargling with record]
1857
01:15:08,037 --> 01:15:10,771
Oh. Can you believe it?
1858
01:15:10,773 --> 01:15:11,838
You just swallowed.
1859
01:15:11,840 --> 01:15:13,606
I swallowed.
Oh, my God.
1860
01:15:13,608 --> 01:15:15,708
Waste not, want not, Robin.
1861
01:15:15,710 --> 01:15:17,643
Oh!
1862
01:15:17,645 --> 01:15:20,245
I wanna say I love w n... Bc.
1863
01:15:20,247 --> 01:15:22,146
See? It worked.
I can say it.
1864
01:15:22,148 --> 01:15:25,182
W n... Bc.
1865
01:15:26,585 --> 01:15:28,318
Wnbc, please hold.
Wnbc, please hold.
1866
01:15:28,320 --> 01:15:30,019
Wnbc, please hold.
Wnbc, please hold.
1867
01:15:30,021 --> 01:15:32,654
Wnbc, please hold.
Wnbc, please hold.
1868
01:15:32,656 --> 01:15:36,057
¶ Stop it now... ¶
1869
01:15:36,225 --> 01:15:40,660
so we gave them some characters, right?
1870
01:15:43,564 --> 01:15:46,064
Get in.
1871
01:15:52,172 --> 01:15:54,839
You goddamn motherfuckers.
1872
01:15:54,841 --> 01:15:55,873
You fucking waltz in here,
1873
01:15:55,875 --> 01:15:58,242
and you think you know everything, don't you?
1874
01:15:58,244 --> 01:16:06,782
Well, I fucking worked my fucking ass off to get to New York City,
1876
01:16:02,681 --> 01:16:03,746
and you sure as fuck are not gonna fucking blow it for me!
1878
01:16:06,784 --> 01:16:08,116
I was just doing character...
1879
01:16:08,118 --> 01:16:08,850
Barry, Jerry,
1880
01:16:08,852 --> 01:16:10,952
clarify the situation for him, please.
1881
01:16:10,954 --> 01:16:12,987
Page 108, paragraph 3:
1882
01:16:12,989 --> 01:16:14,688
"No jokes dealing with flatulence,
1883
01:16:14,690 --> 01:16:16,956
"excretion, urination, ejaculation,
1884
01:16:16,958 --> 01:16:18,757
or other bodily functions."
1885
01:16:18,759 --> 01:16:19,657
Also note paragraph 2:
1886
01:16:19,659 --> 01:16:21,291
"No use of the so-called 7 dirty words.
1887
01:16:21,293 --> 01:16:22,825
"These are cocksucker, motherfucker,
1888
01:16:22,827 --> 01:16:25,127
fuck, shit, cunt,
cock, and pussy."
1889
01:16:25,129 --> 01:16:28,263
Now, from now on, all your little bits
1890
01:16:28,265 --> 01:16:30,598
are gonna be under two minutes in duration,
1891
01:16:30,600 --> 01:16:34,301
and all scripts...
and I do mean
all scripts...
1892
01:16:34,303 --> 01:16:36,770
require my personal approval.
1893
01:16:36,772 --> 01:16:39,239
Welcome to nbc, Howard.
1894
01:16:39,241 --> 01:16:42,108
¶ 66, wnbc ¶
1895
01:16:42,110 --> 01:16:46,345
it's time for "the match game."
1896
01:16:46,347 --> 01:16:48,780
And thank you, Mr. announcer.
1897
01:16:48,782 --> 01:16:51,716
Hi, everybody.
My name is gene sternburn,
1898
01:16:51,718 --> 01:16:54,819
and welcome to "match game."
1899
01:16:54,821 --> 01:16:56,287
We have a lot of excitement in the air today
1900
01:16:56,289 --> 01:16:58,155
because we have some great panelists.
1901
01:16:58,157 --> 01:17:00,123
Let me introduce you to everybody.
1902
01:17:00,125 --> 01:17:04,727
First of all, I want to introduce all of you to a very, very charming and beautiful lady,
1904
01:17:04,729 --> 01:17:06,895
the very beautiful miss Brett somers.
1905
01:17:06,897 --> 01:17:07,662
How are you, baby?
1906
01:17:07,664 --> 01:17:08,663
[Imitating somers] Hi, gene.
1907
01:17:08,665 --> 01:17:11,132
Hygiene, that's something I don't think you have.
1908
01:17:11,134 --> 01:17:11,832
Hey, back off.
1909
01:17:11,834 --> 01:17:14,768
Ok, and let's now go over to somebody who I really admire,
1910
01:17:14,770 --> 01:17:18,104
the ex-president of the United States, Mr. Richard Nixon.
1911
01:17:18,106 --> 01:17:19,872
[Imitating nixon]
Hello, everybody. Hello.
1912
01:17:19,874 --> 01:17:21,173
I'm very, very honored right now
1913
01:17:21,175 --> 01:17:24,242
to introduce to all of you a very special man.
1914
01:17:24,244 --> 01:17:27,411
He's come all the way to our show for the first time.
1915
01:17:27,413 --> 01:17:29,780
Mr. Jackie "the jokeman" martling.
1916
01:17:29,782 --> 01:17:31,414
Well, thank you, gene.
That's very nice of you.
1917
01:17:31,416 --> 01:17:32,848
Let's play our game now,
ok? Shall we?
1918
01:17:32,850 --> 01:17:36,318
And what we're gonna do is ask you to fill in the blank, ok?
1919
01:17:36,320 --> 01:17:38,653
Now, I want you to listen carefully.
1920
01:17:38,655 --> 01:17:41,188
Our first clue up is...
1921
01:17:41,190 --> 01:17:43,890
Blank willow.
1922
01:17:43,892 --> 01:17:45,191
Blank willow.
1923
01:17:45,193 --> 01:17:47,026
Let's go over to miss Brett somers right now.
1924
01:17:47,028 --> 01:17:50,163
Now, Brett, what did you have for us? Blank willow.
1925
01:17:50,165 --> 01:17:53,232
The only thing on my mind, gene,
1926
01:17:53,234 --> 01:17:54,866
was pussy.
1927
01:17:54,868 --> 01:17:55,766
Uh-oh.
1928
01:17:55,768 --> 01:17:56,767
Pussy. Hey, all right.
1929
01:17:56,769 --> 01:17:57,534
Hey, that's kind of wild.
1930
01:17:57,536 --> 01:17:59,102
Pussy willow, that's what I would have said.
1931
01:17:59,104 --> 01:18:02,338
All right, let's go over to dick Nixon, former president of the United States.
1932
01:18:02,340 --> 01:18:04,106
What did you have?
Blank willow.
1933
01:18:04,108 --> 01:18:06,341
In any language, pussy.
1934
01:18:06,343 --> 01:18:07,375
All right!
1935
01:18:07,377 --> 01:18:09,143
Now let's go to our newest member
1936
01:18:09,145 --> 01:18:09,843
of the panel,
1937
01:18:09,845 --> 01:18:15,014
Mr. Jackie "jokeman" martling. Blank willow.
1938
01:18:15,016 --> 01:18:16,448
Well, gene, I didn't write it too neat,
1939
01:18:16,450 --> 01:18:18,450
so I have a sloppy pussy.
1940
01:18:18,452 --> 01:18:19,184
Sloppy pussy!
1941
01:18:19,186 --> 01:18:22,020
We got a sloppy and a fuzzy pussy and a very big one.
1942
01:18:22,022 --> 01:18:23,121
Are we talking about Brett again?
1943
01:18:23,123 --> 01:18:24,522
All right, now,
let's keep going.
1944
01:18:24,524 --> 01:18:27,424
Now it's gonna get a little rougher, ok?
1945
01:18:27,426 --> 01:18:29,125
Everybody ready?
1946
01:18:29,127 --> 01:18:31,360
Blank a-doodle-doo.
1947
01:18:31,362 --> 01:18:33,328
Blank a-doodle-doo.
1948
01:18:33,330 --> 01:18:34,228
Blank a-doodle-doo.
1949
01:18:34,230 --> 01:18:36,096
You think about that while the celebrities are writing.
1950
01:18:36,098 --> 01:18:37,530
Here we go. Let's go over to our dick Nixon,
1951
01:18:37,532 --> 01:18:39,098
our own ex-president.
What do you got there, dick?
1952
01:18:39,100 --> 01:18:43,001
Well, it takes a dick to know a cock,
and that's what I wrote.
1953
01:18:43,003 --> 01:18:44,035
Cock-a-doodle-doo.
1954
01:18:44,037 --> 01:18:45,302
Now, that's what I would have said.
1955
01:18:45,304 --> 01:18:47,437
That seemed like the obvious answer.
1956
01:18:47,439 --> 01:18:50,339
Ok, let's go to our own Jackie "the jokeman" martling.
1957
01:18:50,341 --> 01:18:51,139
Jackie the jokeman?
1958
01:18:51,141 --> 01:18:53,307
Gene, I have cock, and I wrote it big.
1959
01:18:53,309 --> 01:18:54,074
I have a big cock.
1960
01:18:54,076 --> 01:18:57,143
Uh, I don't think you can say "big cock" on the radio.
1961
01:18:57,145 --> 01:18:58,177
I think that's a no-no.
1962
01:18:58,179 --> 01:18:59,144
But I just said pussy.
1963
01:18:59,146 --> 01:19:00,111
Yeah, she just said pussy.
1964
01:19:00,113 --> 01:19:02,346
Yes, pussy is ok.
It's the way he says it.
1965
01:19:02,348 --> 01:19:05,115
"Big cock" coming out of your mouth sounds awfully dirty.
1966
01:19:05,117 --> 01:19:06,282
So I can't say "big cock,"
1967
01:19:06,284 --> 01:19:09,852
but you can say "big cock coming out of my mouth"?
1968
01:19:09,854 --> 01:19:10,919
That's correct.
That sucks.
1969
01:19:10,921 --> 01:19:14,389
Did you just say, "big cock coming out of your mouth sucks"?
1970
01:19:14,391 --> 01:19:16,491
All right, enough of this nonsense.
1971
01:19:16,493 --> 01:19:17,992
We gotta move to miss Brett somers.
1972
01:19:17,994 --> 01:19:20,995
Just like the boys, gene, I've got cock.
1973
01:19:20,997 --> 01:19:22,963
There it is, cock-a-doo... do me a favor
1974
01:19:22,965 --> 01:19:25,231
and hold that up so I can see your cock.
1975
01:19:25,233 --> 01:19:27,233
Aw, gene, don't have one of your own?
1976
01:19:27,235 --> 01:19:29,935
All right, there it is.
Cock, cock, cock.
1977
01:19:29,937 --> 01:19:32,871
I must tell you, though,
we have to end this fun right now.
1978
01:19:32,873 --> 01:19:35,540
I want to thank all of you.
Give yourselves a big hand.
1979
01:19:35,542 --> 01:19:38,609
[Laughing and clapping]
1980
01:19:39,111 --> 01:19:42,078
Ok, let's have a little music, Phil.
1981
01:19:42,080 --> 01:19:45,481
You did not have permission to do that bit.
1982
01:19:45,483 --> 01:19:48,150
I never approved that script, goddamn it, Howard!
1983
01:19:48,152 --> 01:19:49,618
Wait a second.
Calm down, ok, Kenny?
1984
01:19:49,620 --> 01:19:51,319
There's a perfectly good explanation.
1985
01:19:51,321 --> 01:19:53,054
I'm all ears, Howard.
Let's hear it.
1986
01:19:53,056 --> 01:19:54,922
I gave the script to Fred.
1987
01:19:54,924 --> 01:19:57,858
[Imitating nixon]
And I gave it to Robin over there.
1988
01:19:57,860 --> 01:20:00,894
Oh, that's right.
I'm sorry, Kenny.
1989
01:20:00,896 --> 01:20:02,295
I forgot to put it in your box.
1990
01:20:02,297 --> 01:20:04,096
There you go.
Perfectly good explanation.
1991
01:20:04,098 --> 01:20:05,464
It'll never happen again,
Kenny.
1992
01:20:05,466 --> 01:20:10,101
You're goddamn right she's never gonna do it again. You're fired.
1993
01:20:10,103 --> 01:20:10,534
What?
1994
01:20:10,536 --> 01:20:12,135
Gather your things together, Robin. Let's go.
1995
01:20:12,137 --> 01:20:13,970
Wait a second, Kenny.
What are you talking about?
1996
01:20:13,972 --> 01:20:16,172
She had nothing to do with the bit.
1997
01:20:16,174 --> 01:20:16,872
It was all me.
1998
01:20:16,874 --> 01:20:18,306
Pack up your shit.
I'm not kidding. Let's go.
1999
01:20:18,308 --> 01:20:21,175
Kenny, you can't blame someone over one lousy bit.
2000
01:20:21,177 --> 01:20:22,409
You can't go firing them.
2001
01:20:22,411 --> 01:20:24,377
Oh, yes, I can, Howard.
2002
01:20:24,379 --> 01:20:28,481
Robin, get the fuck out!
2003
01:20:29,650 --> 01:20:31,549
Listen to me.
Listen to me.
2004
01:20:31,551 --> 01:20:32,650
If you give me a couple of days,
2005
01:20:32,652 --> 01:20:34,218
I know I can get you back on the air.
2006
01:20:34,220 --> 01:20:34,651
Forget it.
2007
01:20:34,653 --> 01:20:36,619
They're trying to break us apart.
They're trying to beat us.
2008
01:20:36,621 --> 01:20:39,288
That's the whole point.
You and Fred should quit,
2009
01:20:39,290 --> 01:20:40,489
and we should go somewhere else.
2010
01:20:40,491 --> 01:20:42,090
Quit? If I quit,
they win.
2011
01:20:42,092 --> 01:20:46,394
Don't you see?
I don't want them to win.
I can't quit.
2012
01:20:46,396 --> 01:20:47,495
You're not gonna quit?
No.
2013
01:20:47,497 --> 01:20:49,230
You're gonna let 'em throw me out like garbage?
2014
01:20:49,232 --> 01:20:51,665
No.
I want to beat these guys,
stomp them into the ground.
2015
01:20:51,667 --> 01:20:53,500
The only way to do that is to stay on the air.
2016
01:20:53,502 --> 01:20:55,301
I've gotta stay on the air, Robin.
2017
01:20:55,303 --> 01:20:56,135
You're pathetic.
2018
01:20:56,137 --> 01:20:56,969
I'm not pathetic.
2019
01:20:56,971 --> 01:20:59,404
Just give me a couple of days to make them understand.
2020
01:20:59,406 --> 01:21:01,305
I can convince these guys to bring you back.
2021
01:21:01,307 --> 01:21:03,540
I know I can do that.
I have that ability.
2022
01:21:03,542 --> 01:21:04,173
Fuck you.
2023
01:21:04,175 --> 01:21:06,542
They're gonna hire you back. How can you say "fuck you"?
2024
01:21:06,544 --> 01:21:07,509
[Horn honks]
2025
01:21:07,511 --> 01:21:09,143
Hey, move it, asshole!
2026
01:21:09,278 --> 01:21:10,310
She thinks I'm total scum.
2027
01:21:10,312 --> 01:21:11,444
She thinks I'm lower than scum.
2028
01:21:11,446 --> 01:21:13,979
She thinks you're letting her take the fall.
2029
01:21:13,981 --> 01:21:16,014
Well, what do you think?
2030
01:21:16,016 --> 01:21:19,050
I think you've been loyal to every person you've ever worked with.
2031
01:21:19,052 --> 01:21:21,118
That's the way you are, you know?
2032
01:21:21,120 --> 01:21:25,489
You'll find a way to get her back.
2033
01:21:25,491 --> 01:21:28,158
In fact, I feel sorry for nbc,
2034
01:21:28,160 --> 01:21:29,359
because as soon as you start in on them,
2035
01:21:29,361 --> 01:21:32,395
they're gonna be sorry they ever fired her in the first place.
2036
01:21:32,397 --> 01:21:34,296
You're right.
2037
01:21:34,298 --> 01:21:34,696
I know.
2038
01:21:34,698 --> 01:21:41,035
Howard, Fred, I'd like you to meet your new newsman,
2039
01:21:41,037 --> 01:21:42,469
Ross Buckingham.
2040
01:21:42,471 --> 01:21:43,369
Hi. Pleasure.
2041
01:21:43,371 --> 01:21:45,671
I'm looking forward to joining the team.
2042
01:21:45,673 --> 01:21:47,706
Now, old Ross here's quite lively,
2043
01:21:47,708 --> 01:21:51,175
and I think he'll fit in well with your special brand of humor.
2045
01:21:51,177 --> 01:21:52,142
As a matter of fact,
2046
01:21:52,144 --> 01:21:54,244
I'm a bit of an old comedy man myself.
2047
01:21:54,246 --> 01:21:59,082
I've done quite a bit of light comedy in my younger years.
2048
01:21:59,084 --> 01:22:02,485
Summer stock... Mostly.
2049
01:22:02,720 --> 01:22:05,987
Hundreds of people gathered in central park this afternoon
2050
01:22:05,989 --> 01:22:07,588
to remember former beatle John Lennon,
2051
01:22:07,590 --> 01:22:11,491
who was murdered two years ago today.
Lennon's killer...
2052
01:22:11,493 --> 01:22:13,025
hey, let me ask you something, Ross.
2053
01:22:13,027 --> 01:22:14,426
Were you a Beatles fan?
2054
01:22:14,428 --> 01:22:18,463
Uh... Y-yes,
I... I was, once.
2055
01:22:18,465 --> 01:22:19,730
Lennon's killer, mark David Chapman...
2056
01:22:19,732 --> 01:22:23,500
now, mark David Chapman...
now, there's a guy we gotta talk about, Ross.
2057
01:22:23,502 --> 01:22:25,001
Mark David Chapman, what do you make of him?
2058
01:22:25,003 --> 01:22:28,204
I mean, he's probably in a prison cell right now enjoying himself.
2059
01:22:28,206 --> 01:22:32,074
I say electrocute him.
You gotta be with that program, huh, Ross?
2060
01:22:32,076 --> 01:22:34,142
I hope this was a good idea.
2061
01:22:34,144 --> 01:22:37,111
Ross: Uh, I think we're supposed
2062
01:22:37,113 --> 01:22:38,145
to be having the news now.
2063
01:22:38,147 --> 01:22:40,147
Howard: Forget that.
Just repeat after me, Ross.
2064
01:22:40,149 --> 01:22:42,482
I want to kill mark David Chapman.
2065
01:22:42,484 --> 01:22:44,717
[Music playing]
2066
01:22:44,719 --> 01:22:46,385
¶ 66 ¶
2067
01:22:46,387 --> 01:22:49,187
¶ wnbc ¶
2068
01:22:49,189 --> 01:22:50,655
are we ready in there,
Freddy boy?
2069
01:22:50,657 --> 01:22:53,290
Ok. We've got our next phone call to Ross.
2070
01:22:53,292 --> 01:22:54,724
Guess who's on the phone with us.
2071
01:22:54,726 --> 01:22:55,558
I really have no idea.
2072
01:22:55,560 --> 01:22:59,328
Just take a wild guess.
Do it right off the top of your head.
2073
01:22:59,330 --> 01:23:00,228
Um...
2074
01:23:00,230 --> 01:23:03,698
This is a good one.
It's a good mystery guest.
2075
01:23:03,700 --> 01:23:04,298
Um...
2076
01:23:04,300 --> 01:23:05,198
What an ad-libber, Ross.
2077
01:23:05,200 --> 01:23:08,201
All right, I don't want to put you under too much pressure.
2078
01:23:08,203 --> 01:23:10,469
Hi. Is this Betty Jean rushton?
2079
01:23:10,471 --> 01:23:11,169
Yes, it is.
2080
01:23:11,171 --> 01:23:13,104
Betty Jean, hi.
It's Howard stern,
2081
01:23:13,106 --> 01:23:14,138
w n... Bc.
2082
01:23:14,140 --> 01:23:15,405
I work with your husband Kenny.
2083
01:23:15,407 --> 01:23:17,340
Yes. Kenny's mentioned you.
2084
01:23:17,342 --> 01:23:18,207
Oh, I bet Kenny has.
2085
01:23:18,209 --> 01:23:21,443
The reason I'm calling is because your husband
2086
01:23:21,445 --> 01:23:22,777
has been very bitchy around here lately,
2087
01:23:22,779 --> 01:23:26,547
and I'm thinking that maybe if you gave him some more sex...
2088
01:23:26,549 --> 01:23:27,180
More sex?
2089
01:23:27,182 --> 01:23:30,249
Yeah. He's backed up.
Isn't he backed up, Ross?
2090
01:23:30,251 --> 01:23:33,318
Yes. You know, you might be right about that, Howard.
2091
01:23:33,320 --> 01:23:35,520
Oh, really?
I think I am right.
2092
01:23:35,522 --> 01:23:37,421
Howard!
2093
01:23:37,423 --> 01:23:39,322
You ever do that again, I'll kill you.
2094
01:23:39,324 --> 01:23:41,624
I need Robin.
She's the anchor on the show.
2095
01:23:41,626 --> 01:23:43,092
That's what's missing.
2096
01:23:43,094 --> 01:23:44,560
You have violated my wife.
2097
01:23:44,562 --> 01:23:45,227
I did not.
2098
01:23:45,229 --> 01:23:46,728
You soiled the sanctity of my home!
2099
01:23:46,730 --> 01:23:48,563
What are you saying?
I didn't do anything.
2100
01:23:48,565 --> 01:23:50,164
I wouldn't even be doing bits like that
2101
01:23:50,166 --> 01:23:50,797
if Robin was with me.
2102
01:23:50,799 --> 01:23:53,266
I never would have even called his wife on the air
2103
01:23:53,268 --> 01:23:54,333
if I had Robin sitting there.
2104
01:23:54,335 --> 01:23:56,735
She's the voice of reason.
2105
01:23:56,737 --> 01:23:59,571
You know what?
You know what
you are, stern?
2106
01:23:59,573 --> 01:24:01,306
You're the antichrist.
2107
01:24:01,308 --> 01:24:03,041
What?
Yes, that's
what you are!
2108
01:24:03,043 --> 01:24:06,144
You are the motherfucking antichrist!
2109
01:24:06,146 --> 01:24:10,047
Kenny, take it easy.
2110
01:24:14,486 --> 01:24:17,286
Well, this is an exciting day for us here in the studio
2111
01:24:17,288 --> 01:24:18,687
because we have a stage star with us.
2112
01:24:18,689 --> 01:24:20,288
This is Donna Porter with us on the show,
2113
01:24:20,290 --> 01:24:22,356
and she's here to talk about life in the theater,
2114
01:24:22,358 --> 01:24:24,558
and, Donna, I don't know if you know this,
2115
01:24:24,560 --> 01:24:26,593
but our own news guy Ross Buckingham
2116
01:24:26,595 --> 01:24:30,196
actually has some theater experience as well,
don't you, Ross?
2117
01:24:30,198 --> 01:24:32,765
Do you want to tell us about that?
2118
01:24:32,767 --> 01:24:35,768
Yes. Um... I once did some summer stock.
2119
01:24:35,770 --> 01:24:37,136
I know you're very, very proud
2120
01:24:37,138 --> 01:24:38,203
of your summer stock experience.
2121
01:24:38,205 --> 01:24:39,938
When you went on stage the very first time,
2122
01:24:39,940 --> 01:24:41,239
did you ever get nervous?
2123
01:24:41,241 --> 01:24:43,774
No, I was...
Quite comfortable.
2124
01:24:43,776 --> 01:24:47,844
I see.
That's very interesting.
2125
01:24:47,846 --> 01:24:48,845
Then, in 1926,
2126
01:24:48,847 --> 01:24:51,614
general sarnoff formed nbc radio,
2127
01:24:51,616 --> 01:24:53,482
America's first network.
2128
01:24:53,484 --> 01:24:55,650
I guess you could say I was a little nervous
2129
01:24:55,652 --> 01:25:00,254
the first time I was ever on stage with a 12-inch kielbasa.
2130
01:25:00,256 --> 01:25:01,655
Now, why is that?
2131
01:25:01,657 --> 01:25:03,823
Can I show you?
2132
01:25:03,825 --> 01:25:05,691
Sure. I think we'd like to see what you have.
2133
01:25:05,693 --> 01:25:08,660
Right now, you're getting a look at a live broadcast
2134
01:25:08,662 --> 01:25:09,694
of "the Howard stern show."
2135
01:25:09,696 --> 01:25:10,628
That's about 13 inches,
2136
01:25:10,630 --> 01:25:13,664
and you're licking whipped cream off a kielbasa,
2137
01:25:13,666 --> 01:25:14,865
and you're putting it in your mouth,
2138
01:25:14,867 --> 01:25:16,800
and you're jamming the kielbasa
2139
01:25:16,802 --> 01:25:18,234
all the way down your throat.
2140
01:25:18,236 --> 01:25:19,401
Oh, my God.
Look at that.
2141
01:25:19,403 --> 01:25:21,503
The entire kielbasa is going down.
2142
01:25:21,505 --> 01:25:24,772
She has swallowed an entire 13-inch kielbasa.
2143
01:25:24,774 --> 01:25:27,841
Look at that.
A full 13 inches, ladies and gentlemen.
2144
01:25:27,843 --> 01:25:30,643
Wow. You gotta love that, folks.
2145
01:25:30,645 --> 01:25:33,912
You gotta love it, don't you, Ross?
2146
01:25:33,914 --> 01:25:35,780
Ross Buckingham,
have you ever seen a woman
2147
01:25:35,782 --> 01:25:37,948
swallow an entire 13-inch kielbasa?
2148
01:25:37,950 --> 01:25:38,982
When you were in the theater,
2149
01:25:38,984 --> 01:25:40,550
did you ever work with a kielbasa?
2150
01:25:40,552 --> 01:25:41,417
What he did to me today
2151
01:25:41,419 --> 01:25:46,388
was the most unprofessional and insulting experience of my life.
2152
01:25:46,390 --> 01:25:49,491
I hold you and this station personally responsible.
2153
01:25:49,493 --> 01:25:51,559
If you want to fire me, fire me. Go ahead,
2154
01:25:51,561 --> 01:25:57,231
but I refuse to work with this man one minute longer.
2155
01:25:57,766 --> 01:25:59,799
Good day.
2156
01:26:00,668 --> 01:26:03,735
Ok, it's 5:35 at w n... Bc.
2157
01:26:03,737 --> 01:26:04,535
Time for the news.
2158
01:26:04,537 --> 01:26:06,470
I'm not real good at this, I confess,
2159
01:26:06,472 --> 01:26:08,405
but I'm trying...
2160
01:26:08,407 --> 01:26:09,973
Who the fuck are we gonna get?
2161
01:26:09,975 --> 01:26:13,643
Beats me. No one wants to work with him.
2162
01:26:13,645 --> 01:26:16,679
Is it Monaco or mon-aco?
2163
01:26:17,415 --> 01:26:18,580
Monaco?
2164
01:26:18,582 --> 01:26:20,648
That's what I thought.
Monaco.
2165
01:26:20,650 --> 01:26:22,249
Well, anyway, she's dead.
2166
01:26:22,251 --> 01:26:23,817
You know, I'm thinking about...
2167
01:26:23,819 --> 01:26:25,418
What about Kelly landers?
2168
01:26:25,420 --> 01:26:27,453
Absolutely refuses.
2169
01:26:27,455 --> 01:26:29,254
Says she'd rather quit.
2170
01:26:29,256 --> 01:26:30,455
I have a theory that he is the one
2171
01:26:30,457 --> 01:26:31,522
who cut the brakes on the car.
2172
01:26:31,524 --> 01:26:34,391
Now, I could be crazy,
but I figure a guy who's been married
2173
01:26:34,393 --> 01:26:36,993
as long as prince reindeer is ready for a new wife.
2174
01:26:36,995 --> 01:26:38,928
I mean, princess grace...beautiful woman and all that...
2175
01:26:38,930 --> 01:26:41,730
but she was losing her looks. Let's be honest.
2176
01:26:41,732 --> 01:26:43,565
There were bags under those eyes.
2177
01:26:43,567 --> 01:26:44,265
In other news,
2178
01:26:44,267 --> 01:26:47,334
one of Italy's highest-ranking police officials,
2179
01:26:47,336 --> 01:26:48,535
general Alberto decarlo...
2180
01:26:48,537 --> 01:26:53,406
Kenny, we're one of the biggest radio stations in America.
2181
01:26:53,408 --> 01:26:55,708
We can't just not do the news.
2182
01:26:55,710 --> 01:26:56,842
My program director pig vomit
2183
01:26:56,844 --> 01:27:00,512
gets assassinated by sicilians in palermo.
2184
01:27:00,514 --> 01:27:01,880
Wouldn't that be wonderful?
2185
01:27:01,882 --> 01:27:03,615
I want to pray to God right now.
2186
01:27:03,617 --> 01:27:04,782
Jesus Christ, who I love so much,
2187
01:27:04,784 --> 01:27:06,717
more than anything in the whole world,
2188
01:27:06,719 --> 01:27:08,485
I am begging you, please...
2189
01:27:08,487 --> 01:27:11,354
Send a hit man to the United States of America
2190
01:27:11,356 --> 01:27:12,988
to kill pig vomit finally.
2191
01:27:12,990 --> 01:27:14,456
Thank you. I love you, God.
2192
01:27:14,458 --> 01:27:17,492
I'll do whatever you say if you just make that come true.
2193
01:27:17,494 --> 01:27:18,493
[Music playing]
2194
01:27:18,495 --> 01:27:21,028
¶ Howard stern, wnbc ¶
2195
01:27:21,030 --> 01:27:24,965
so if we bring Robin back, you'll behave?
2196
01:27:24,967 --> 01:27:27,667
Absolutely.
Robin's my anchor.
2197
01:27:27,669 --> 01:27:28,567
You can't trust him.
2198
01:27:28,569 --> 01:27:29,601
Kenny, that's not fair,
2199
01:27:29,603 --> 01:27:32,070
and quite frankly,
I'm just a little bit hurt
2200
01:27:32,072 --> 01:27:36,307
that you're so incapable of being supportive,
2201
01:27:36,309 --> 01:27:39,743
and, vin, please, if you hire Robin back,
2202
01:27:39,745 --> 01:27:41,911
I promise you you won't be sorry.
2203
01:27:41,913 --> 01:27:44,480
You have my word.
2204
01:27:51,422 --> 01:27:53,922
Thank you.
2205
01:27:56,393 --> 01:27:58,626
We hate noise.
Isn't that right, Jerry?
2206
01:27:58,628 --> 01:27:59,593
Yeah. Makes me nuts.
2207
01:27:59,595 --> 01:28:01,861
No, it's a very quiet street.
2208
01:28:01,863 --> 01:28:03,362
You're gonna like it here.
2209
01:28:03,364 --> 01:28:04,029
[Knocks on door]
2210
01:28:04,031 --> 01:28:06,498
Excuse me for a second.
2211
01:28:06,633 --> 01:28:07,865
You're back.
I got you back.
2212
01:28:07,867 --> 01:28:09,333
It's a miracle of all miracles.
2213
01:28:09,335 --> 01:28:10,534
I can't talk right now.
2214
01:28:10,536 --> 01:28:11,434
Oh, hello.
How are you?
2215
01:28:11,436 --> 01:28:13,536
I even got you an office.
You're all set.
2216
01:28:13,538 --> 01:28:14,670
I'm showing my apartment now.
2217
01:28:14,672 --> 01:28:15,804
You're looking at this apartment?
2218
01:28:15,806 --> 01:28:17,939
Let me tell you something.
There are roaches the size of dogs here.
2219
01:28:17,941 --> 01:28:19,507
I don't advise you living here.
Excuse me.
2220
01:28:19,509 --> 01:28:21,475
It is disgusting.
Take a look behind the fireplace.
2221
01:28:21,477 --> 01:28:24,044
You'll see. Excuse me.
I'll come back and tell you.
2222
01:28:24,046 --> 01:28:25,745
What the hell do you think you're doing?
2223
01:28:25,747 --> 01:28:29,115
Robin, you got your job back,
so what's the problem?
2224
01:28:29,117 --> 01:28:31,450
The problem is that when I needed you,
2225
01:28:31,452 --> 01:28:32,517
you didn't stand behind me.
2226
01:28:32,519 --> 01:28:33,985
Robin, those guys are assholes.
They screwed you,
2227
01:28:33,987 --> 01:28:36,554
and they screwed me.
We gotta get back in there and beat them.
2228
01:28:36,556 --> 01:28:37,756
We were supposed to be a team.
2229
01:28:37,757 --> 01:28:38,856
We are a team, for God's sakes.
2230
01:28:38,858 --> 01:28:41,525
We're gonna be the greatest team in the history of radio.
2231
01:28:41,527 --> 01:28:44,094
Come on.
What's the big deal?
2232
01:28:44,096 --> 01:28:46,830
Look at me, Robin.
Robin...
2233
01:28:46,832 --> 01:28:48,398
See this?
2234
01:28:48,400 --> 01:28:49,098
Look what I'm doing.
2235
01:28:49,100 --> 01:28:51,533
You know what I'm doing?
I'm begging you.
2236
01:28:51,535 --> 01:28:52,734
I'm begging you.
2237
01:28:52,736 --> 01:28:53,634
I'm serious.
2238
01:28:53,636 --> 01:28:55,636
Come here.
I'm gonna kiss your feet.
2239
01:28:55,638 --> 01:28:56,803
Look at these gams.
2240
01:28:56,805 --> 01:28:57,737
Look at these feet.
2241
01:28:57,739 --> 01:28:59,505
I'm worshipping your foot.
2242
01:28:59,507 --> 01:29:01,039
Look at me, Robin.
2243
01:29:01,041 --> 01:29:02,473
What are you doing?
2244
01:29:02,475 --> 01:29:03,407
People are looking at us.
2245
01:29:03,409 --> 01:29:07,043
I'm begging you to...
I'm liking it down here.
2246
01:29:07,045 --> 01:29:08,144
Hey, Robin,
2247
01:29:08,146 --> 01:29:09,812
you love this, don't you?
2248
01:29:09,814 --> 01:29:10,879
It gives me great pleasure now
2249
01:29:10,881 --> 01:29:11,880
to welcome back on our show
2250
01:29:11,882 --> 01:29:14,949
the very beautiful, multitalented...
2251
01:29:14,951 --> 01:29:16,750
Uh, vivacious...
2252
01:29:16,752 --> 01:29:18,051
Tight-sweatered...
2253
01:29:18,053 --> 01:29:22,088
Beautifully big-breasted Robin quivers. I love her.
2254
01:29:22,090 --> 01:29:22,888
Thank you.
2255
01:29:22,890 --> 01:29:25,790
May I say that you are beautifully big-breasted
again?
2256
01:29:25,792 --> 01:29:26,123
No.
2257
01:29:26,125 --> 01:29:29,526
Thank God you're back, 'cause the show sucked without you.
2258
01:29:29,528 --> 01:29:33,096
Actually, I just want to say how much I really missed you and...
2259
01:29:33,098 --> 01:29:33,629
Aww.
2260
01:29:33,631 --> 01:29:34,529
That I really do love you,
2261
01:29:34,531 --> 01:29:36,764
and I'm just so glad you're back.
2262
01:29:36,766 --> 01:29:37,698
Ok there, Mr. rushton,
2263
01:29:37,700 --> 01:29:42,469
you pick up the phone, and it rings right into my booth.
2264
01:29:42,471 --> 01:29:44,003
Good, but don't answer it.
2265
01:29:44,005 --> 01:29:46,605
Immediately disconnect stern's microphone,
2266
01:29:46,607 --> 01:29:49,674
dump out of the delay,
and go straight to a record.
2267
01:29:49,676 --> 01:29:50,641
That would be it, sir.
2268
01:29:50,643 --> 01:29:54,077
Always have a record ready to go.
2269
01:29:54,079 --> 01:29:56,179
Yes, sir.
2270
01:29:56,814 --> 01:30:00,816
This little puppy's finally gonna get housebroken.
2271
01:30:00,818 --> 01:30:03,451
Oh, look at this, Robin.
This is unbelievable.
2272
01:30:03,453 --> 01:30:04,585
Oh, the underpants are coming off.
2273
01:30:04,587 --> 01:30:08,589
That is the first naked lady in the history of radio.
2274
01:30:08,591 --> 01:30:10,557
Sans panties, sans bra.
2275
01:30:10,559 --> 01:30:11,591
I am shocked.
2276
01:30:11,593 --> 01:30:12,992
So am I.
This is disgraceful.
2277
01:30:12,994 --> 01:30:14,093
We should be taken off the air.
2278
01:30:14,095 --> 01:30:15,160
You've finally done it.
2279
01:30:15,162 --> 01:30:18,129
Ohh! Beautiful.
You're a work of art.
Did you know that?
2280
01:30:18,131 --> 01:30:18,929
Thank you, Howard.
2281
01:30:18,931 --> 01:30:19,896
Let me tell you something.
2282
01:30:19,898 --> 01:30:21,764
Now, to ensure our place in the history of radio,
2283
01:30:21,766 --> 01:30:24,833
Mandy has agreed to actually get on the floor with me
2284
01:30:24,835 --> 01:30:26,868
and give me a massage while she is nude.
2285
01:30:26,870 --> 01:30:29,670
What does a massage have to do with making it into history?
2286
01:30:29,672 --> 01:30:32,039
Who knows?
I don't know.
Massage, schmas.
2287
01:30:32,041 --> 01:30:33,206
I just gotta get touched.
2288
01:30:33,208 --> 01:30:34,173
I can't wait, Howard.
2289
01:30:34,175 --> 01:30:34,973
You can't wait?
2290
01:30:34,975 --> 01:30:35,907
Let me tell you something...
2291
01:30:35,909 --> 01:30:38,609
I'm not kidding around...
you are beautiful,
2292
01:30:38,611 --> 01:30:40,143
and my thoughts are right in the gutter.
2293
01:30:40,145 --> 01:30:41,177
You understand what I mean?
2294
01:30:41,179 --> 01:30:42,111
This is the tudor, right?
2295
01:30:42,113 --> 01:30:43,512
Center-hall plan,
very traditional.
2296
01:30:43,514 --> 01:30:44,946
Naked woman:
I've been thinking about you, too.
2297
01:30:44,948 --> 01:30:49,050
Only reason it's for sale is they're divorcing.
2298
01:30:49,052 --> 01:30:53,621
Would you believe 80% of my listings are from divorces?
2299
01:30:53,623 --> 01:30:54,688
Howard: Mmm.
For God's sakes.
2300
01:30:54,690 --> 01:30:55,822
Now, what do you suggest
we do here?
2301
01:30:55,824 --> 01:30:59,926
Why don't you come lay over here and get comfortable?
2302
01:30:59,928 --> 01:31:01,794
I could do that.
2303
01:31:01,796 --> 01:31:02,461
All right.
2304
01:31:02,463 --> 01:31:03,695
I can't believe my luck here.
2305
01:31:03,697 --> 01:31:06,164
Don't hurt yourself getting over there.
2306
01:31:06,166 --> 01:31:06,831
I won't.
2307
01:31:06,833 --> 01:31:07,932
All right, hold on a second.
2308
01:31:07,934 --> 01:31:10,200
Let me get my cans on.
2309
01:31:10,202 --> 01:31:11,100
Ok.
2310
01:31:11,102 --> 01:31:13,502
Ooh, you know what?
You know... oh, man.
2311
01:31:13,504 --> 01:31:14,503
Let me soak you in.
2312
01:31:14,505 --> 01:31:15,670
Holy cow, are you naked.
2313
01:31:15,672 --> 01:31:16,771
You know what I like about you?
2314
01:31:16,773 --> 01:31:17,138
What?
2315
01:31:17,140 --> 01:31:18,572
I like that you're the perfect height.
2316
01:31:18,574 --> 01:31:20,006
I could have sex with you standing up.
2317
01:31:20,008 --> 01:31:21,040
Look at that. Ooh.
2318
01:31:21,042 --> 01:31:23,642
Robin:
Howard! You're married.
2319
01:31:23,644 --> 01:31:25,176
I am? I mean, I am.
2320
01:31:25,178 --> 01:31:26,711
Well, I'm not really married anymore.
2321
01:31:26,713 --> 01:31:27,278
What do you mean?
2322
01:31:27,280 --> 01:31:28,812
Take a seat.
I'll tell you what happened.
2323
01:31:28,814 --> 01:31:31,247
My wife was suffering from cancer... I never told you this...
2324
01:31:31,249 --> 01:31:32,114
and she died last night.
2325
01:31:32,116 --> 01:31:34,683
I've been single for exactly 6 hours.
2326
01:31:34,685 --> 01:31:35,784
Honey, if you're up there now,
2327
01:31:35,786 --> 01:31:38,353
I know you can hear me, and you're at God's side,
2328
01:31:38,355 --> 01:31:40,588
but I want you to cover your ears and eyes.
2329
01:31:40,590 --> 01:31:42,089
Besides, you're married to God now...
2330
01:31:42,091 --> 01:31:44,124
Your husband's quite a character.
2331
01:31:44,126 --> 01:31:46,626
Only on the radio.
It's just an act.
2332
01:31:46,628 --> 01:31:50,863
Oh, oh, that's nice.
No one's ever touched me like this before.
2333
01:31:50,865 --> 01:31:51,830
Let me ask you something.
2334
01:31:51,832 --> 01:31:53,064
You have the look of love in your eyes,
2335
01:31:53,066 --> 01:31:54,231
but I'm an ugly man.
I know this.
2336
01:31:54,233 --> 01:31:57,200
You couldn't be physically attracted to me, could you?
2337
01:31:57,202 --> 01:31:58,034
Physically, I am.
2338
01:31:58,036 --> 01:32:00,302
I mean, you're smart.
You're sexy.
2339
01:32:00,304 --> 01:32:02,771
Wait. Excuse me for one minute. Robin...
2340
01:32:02,773 --> 01:32:03,671
I didn't say a thing.
2341
01:32:03,673 --> 01:32:06,206
Robin, go up to the cafeteria and get some lunch.
2342
01:32:06,208 --> 01:32:08,841
Yeah, go ahead.
Tell me more about me.
2343
01:32:08,843 --> 01:32:11,043
You're funny.
2344
01:32:11,045 --> 01:32:12,878
You know what I would do to you physically?
2345
01:32:12,880 --> 01:32:13,645
What would you do?
2346
01:32:13,647 --> 01:32:16,047
I don't know what I'd do, but let me just say something.
2347
01:32:16,049 --> 01:32:18,816
Whatever it is, it would last 3 seconds.
2348
01:32:18,818 --> 01:32:19,883
3 seconds, I'd be finished.
2349
01:32:19,885 --> 01:32:22,285
We would have sex, like, 10 times a day.
You would love it.
2350
01:32:22,287 --> 01:32:25,121
I kind of want to wrap my legs around you.
2351
01:32:25,123 --> 01:32:27,356
You do?
2352
01:32:29,126 --> 01:32:32,393
The average radio listener listens for 18 minutes.
2353
01:32:32,395 --> 01:32:32,993
Mm-hmm.
2354
01:32:32,995 --> 01:32:35,128
The average Howard stern fan listens for...
2355
01:32:35,130 --> 01:32:36,262
are you ready for this?
2356
01:32:36,264 --> 01:32:38,097
An hour and 20 minutes.
2357
01:32:38,099 --> 01:32:39,231
How can that be?
2358
01:32:39,233 --> 01:32:40,265
Answer most commonly given:
2359
01:32:40,267 --> 01:32:43,034
"I want to see what he'll say next."
2360
01:32:43,036 --> 01:32:44,301
All right, ok, fine.
2361
01:32:44,303 --> 01:32:46,369
But what about the people who hate stern?
2362
01:32:46,371 --> 01:32:49,872
Good point.
The average stern hater...
2363
01:32:49,874 --> 01:32:53,375
Listens for 2 1/2 hours a day.
2364
01:32:55,345 --> 01:32:57,678
Look, but if they hate him,
2365
01:32:57,680 --> 01:32:59,012
why do they listen?
2366
01:32:59,014 --> 01:32:59,912
Most common answer:
2367
01:32:59,914 --> 01:33:01,413
"I want to see what he'll say next."
2368
01:33:01,415 --> 01:33:03,148
Kenny.
Fucking twisted. What?
2369
01:33:03,150 --> 01:33:04,682
You better listen to this.
2370
01:33:04,684 --> 01:33:07,017
Howard: This is nice.
You wanna know something?
2371
01:33:07,019 --> 01:33:08,785
This is the God's honest truth.
2372
01:33:08,787 --> 01:33:10,286
Come here.
I want to tell you closer.
2373
01:33:10,288 --> 01:33:13,289
I am fully aroused right now.
I am totally engorged.
2374
01:33:13,291 --> 01:33:13,956
Oh, my God.
2375
01:33:13,958 --> 01:33:15,057
Naked woman:
Well, after the show,
2376
01:33:15,059 --> 01:33:18,226
why don't we go someplace else and see how it feels?
2377
01:33:18,228 --> 01:33:20,161
Really?
That's great.
2378
01:33:20,163 --> 01:33:22,363
You know why I love you?
'Cause you're smart.
2379
01:33:22,365 --> 01:33:24,231
And you're practically
a virgin, right?
2380
01:33:24,233 --> 01:33:26,700
[Telephone buzzing]
Practically.
2381
01:33:26,702 --> 01:33:28,435
[Buzz buzz]
2382
01:33:28,437 --> 01:33:30,370
I'm gonna be so honest with you now.
2383
01:33:30,372 --> 01:33:32,271
I've never said this before.
[Music playing]
2384
01:33:32,273 --> 01:33:33,839
I'm telling you,
I'm a full 2 1/2 inches,
2385
01:33:33,841 --> 01:33:36,942
and I've never been 2 1/2...
what's the music?
2386
01:33:36,944 --> 01:33:38,310
We're off the air.
2387
01:33:38,312 --> 01:33:39,678
Are we off the air?
2388
01:33:39,680 --> 01:33:42,013
Oh. Would you do me a favor?
Just stay right there, ok?
2389
01:33:42,015 --> 01:33:45,082
What the hell's going on?
What are you doing, man?
2390
01:33:45,084 --> 01:33:46,416
Look, rushton told me, this phone...
2391
01:33:46,418 --> 01:33:49,051
oh, come on, man.
Don't listen to Kenny.
2392
01:33:49,053 --> 01:33:50,952
I'm just doing what he told me, that's all.
2393
01:33:50,954 --> 01:33:52,420
Shit, man, you don't take me off the air
2394
01:33:52,422 --> 01:33:53,687
in the middle of a fucking bit.
2395
01:33:53,689 --> 01:33:54,788
Come on.
Don't listen to Kenny.
2396
01:33:54,790 --> 01:33:56,156
You're supposed to listen to me.
2397
01:33:56,158 --> 01:33:56,956
He's the boss.
2398
01:33:56,958 --> 01:33:59,124
Forget it.
You believe this?
2399
01:33:59,126 --> 01:34:02,460
What the hell are they doing?
2400
01:34:02,795 --> 01:34:03,860
Yeah, hi.
Can I speak to Kenny?
2401
01:34:03,862 --> 01:34:06,362
It's Howard over in the air studio.
2402
01:34:06,364 --> 01:34:07,162
Just hold the line.
2403
01:34:07,164 --> 01:34:08,196
As soon as they get him on,
2404
01:34:08,198 --> 01:34:09,096
just keep him on the line.
2405
01:34:09,098 --> 01:34:10,130
Fred, get me back on the air.
2406
01:34:10,132 --> 01:34:12,098
Just patch the phone call onto the air, ok?
2407
01:34:12,100 --> 01:34:16,268
Just put it right through as soon as you can.
2408
01:34:16,270 --> 01:34:19,371
Fuck, man.
2409
01:34:21,942 --> 01:34:23,908
Patch it in.
2410
01:34:23,910 --> 01:34:26,076
I said, patch it in!
2411
01:34:28,313 --> 01:34:30,246
Yes, Robin, he's running in right now.
2412
01:34:30,248 --> 01:34:32,881
Can I have the phone, please,
just for a second?
2413
01:34:32,883 --> 01:34:34,315
Hi, Robin.
We back on the air?
2414
01:34:34,317 --> 01:34:35,382
Robin: Yeah.
Everybody can hear.
2415
01:34:35,384 --> 01:34:37,150
Ok, I'm right outside pig vomit's office.
2416
01:34:37,152 --> 01:34:38,918
I'm gonna knock on his door.
2417
01:34:38,920 --> 01:34:39,952
All right.
2418
01:34:39,954 --> 01:34:40,786
Hey, pig vomit.
2419
01:34:40,788 --> 01:34:42,220
Come on, Kenny.
Why don't you open up?
2420
01:34:42,222 --> 01:34:44,889
I want to know why this guy had to cut my show off.
2421
01:34:44,891 --> 01:34:45,489
Come on, pig vomit.
2422
01:34:45,491 --> 01:34:46,790
Mr. stern, he's in a meeting.
2423
01:34:46,792 --> 01:34:47,857
I'd like to know what meeting
2424
01:34:47,859 --> 01:34:48,924
is more important than my show.
2425
01:34:48,926 --> 01:34:50,025
He took the show right off the air.
2426
01:34:50,027 --> 01:34:55,130
What'd you take the show off the air for, pig vomit? Huh?
2427
01:34:55,132 --> 01:34:56,431
This isn't funny, Howard.
2428
01:34:56,433 --> 01:34:57,298
Oh, it's not funny?
2429
01:34:57,300 --> 01:34:58,265
What are you talking about?
2430
01:34:58,267 --> 01:34:59,299
I think it's very funny.
2431
01:34:59,301 --> 01:35:00,767
How would you know what's funny, anyway?
2432
01:35:00,769 --> 01:35:02,034
You're not bringing that in here, stern.
2433
01:35:02,036 --> 01:35:04,836
I don't see anybody in here in a meeting,
do you?
2434
01:35:04,838 --> 01:35:05,770
You gotta go.
2435
01:35:05,772 --> 01:35:06,737
Why would I have to go?
2436
01:35:06,739 --> 01:35:08,139
Why don't you explain to my audience
2437
01:35:08,140 --> 01:35:09,472
why you had to shut down the show?
2438
01:35:09,474 --> 01:35:10,806
I don't answer to you, stern.
2439
01:35:10,808 --> 01:35:12,240
Yes, you do,
you big idiot scumbag.
2440
01:35:12,242 --> 01:35:15,142
I'm your boss.
I'm your boss.
2441
01:35:15,144 --> 01:35:15,976
Hey, what's this?
2442
01:35:15,978 --> 01:35:18,812
Robin, it's everybody's salary on his desk.
2443
01:35:18,814 --> 01:35:20,013
Goddamn it, get out of here!
2444
01:35:20,015 --> 01:35:21,948
He hit me, Robin.
He's hitting me.
2445
01:35:21,950 --> 01:35:22,815
Robin: Hit him back.
2446
01:35:22,817 --> 01:35:24,383
I'm gonna hit you back.
2447
01:35:24,385 --> 01:35:25,784
I hit him back.
He hit...
2448
01:35:25,786 --> 01:35:28,019
you're not getting the phone from me,
Kenny.
2449
01:35:28,021 --> 01:35:29,754
Gimme the damn phone.
2450
01:35:29,756 --> 01:35:30,454
No!
2451
01:35:30,456 --> 01:35:30,987
Oh!
2452
01:35:30,989 --> 01:35:31,754
Oh, my God, Robin.
2453
01:35:31,756 --> 01:35:33,989
Kenny just hit himself in the face.
He's bleeding.
2454
01:35:33,991 --> 01:35:35,190
Give that to me.
2455
01:35:35,192 --> 01:35:36,791
Hey, come on.
2456
01:35:36,793 --> 01:35:37,158
Oh!
2457
01:35:37,160 --> 01:35:39,193
Robin: Oh, goodness,
what's going on?
2458
01:35:39,195 --> 01:35:41,328
Vince just got hit by Kenny.
2459
01:35:41,330 --> 01:35:42,128
Goddamn it, stern!
2460
01:35:42,130 --> 01:35:44,864
You look! See that?!
Blood, stern!
2461
01:35:44,866 --> 01:35:46,498
Are you ok?
No!
2462
01:35:46,500 --> 01:35:47,332
Broke my nose!
2463
01:35:47,334 --> 01:35:48,466
It wasn't my fault.
2464
01:35:48,468 --> 01:35:50,000
I'll sue your ass!
2465
01:35:50,002 --> 01:35:51,034
Get out of here!
2466
01:35:51,036 --> 01:35:52,902
[All shouting at once]
2467
01:35:52,904 --> 01:35:53,769
Our first guest tonight
2468
01:35:53,771 --> 01:35:55,804
is the afternoon drive-time disc jockey
2469
01:35:55,806 --> 01:35:58,339
at wnbc radio here in New York City.
2470
01:35:58,341 --> 01:35:59,940
Ladies and gentlemen,
do me a favor.
2471
01:35:59,942 --> 01:36:02,943
Please welcome Howard stern.
2472
01:36:02,945 --> 01:36:03,877
Howard!
2473
01:36:03,879 --> 01:36:06,846
[Cheering and applause]
2474
01:36:07,114 --> 01:36:09,914
Nice to see you.
How are you?
2475
01:36:09,916 --> 01:36:10,481
Good.
Good.
2476
01:36:10,483 --> 01:36:12,483
Right over there.
Have a seat.
2477
01:36:12,485 --> 01:36:15,385
Now, uh, Howard,
you know, uh...
2478
01:36:15,387 --> 01:36:18,221
I admire you, you know?
I love what you do.
2479
01:36:18,223 --> 01:36:19,255
I think you're a pioneer.
2480
01:36:19,257 --> 01:36:22,024
You're on the cutting edge of radio entertainment.
2481
01:36:22,026 --> 01:36:24,192
You and I both work for nbc.
2482
01:36:24,194 --> 01:36:25,159
You have the radio show,
2483
01:36:25,161 --> 01:36:26,326
I have the little TV show here.
2484
01:36:26,328 --> 01:36:28,494
How do you get along with the folks here?
2485
01:36:28,496 --> 01:36:29,795
You enjoying the experience?
2486
01:36:29,797 --> 01:36:30,462
I hate it at nbc, Dave.
2487
01:36:30,464 --> 01:36:33,198
It's the worst. It sucks.
I gotta tell you something.
2488
01:36:33,200 --> 01:36:34,132
All the management at nbc...
2489
01:36:34,134 --> 01:36:37,168
bunch of creeps,
and I'm not afraid to say it right now,
2490
01:36:37,170 --> 01:36:38,202
and, you know, it's funny,
2491
01:36:38,204 --> 01:36:40,938
because I know you feel the same exact way I do about nbc
2492
01:36:40,940 --> 01:36:43,307
because you told me on the phone personally last week
2493
01:36:43,309 --> 01:36:44,308
that you feel the same way.
2494
01:36:44,310 --> 01:36:46,310
I couldn't be happier.
Everything is fine.
2495
01:36:46,312 --> 01:36:47,411
I don't understand them at all.
2496
01:36:47,413 --> 01:36:50,447
Now, Howard, let's get back to the issue of them being creepy.
2497
01:36:50,449 --> 01:36:53,149
Now, when you say they're creep...
2498
01:36:54,018 --> 01:36:56,818
he makes us sound like a bunch of idiots on the radio.
2499
01:36:56,820 --> 01:36:58,219
He criticizes us on television.
2500
01:36:58,221 --> 01:37:00,221
I thought you were going to control this guy.
2501
01:37:00,223 --> 01:37:02,156
Oh, well, we are, sir.
2502
01:37:02,158 --> 01:37:05,459
In fact, we're designing a more restrictive program
2503
01:37:05,461 --> 01:37:07,461
shut up.
To make sure...
2504
01:37:07,463 --> 01:37:08,261
how are his numbers?
2505
01:37:08,263 --> 01:37:11,097
The official ratings don't come out until tomorrow,
2506
01:37:11,099 --> 01:37:15,067
but we've got some projections.
2507
01:37:15,536 --> 01:37:19,237
Stern... Has gone...
2508
01:37:19,239 --> 01:37:22,873
From a 2.9 to a 5.6.
2509
01:37:22,875 --> 01:37:25,976
[Choking]
2510
01:37:25,978 --> 01:37:27,877
He's number one in the market.
2511
01:37:27,879 --> 01:37:31,180
He's the hottest d.J.
In New York.
2512
01:37:31,182 --> 01:37:32,147
[Cough]
2513
01:37:32,149 --> 01:37:34,149
Kind of weird, you know?
2514
01:37:34,151 --> 01:37:36,384
I thought there was a mistake or something,
2515
01:37:36,386 --> 01:37:40,254
but...
Uh-uh... No.
2516
01:37:40,256 --> 01:37:44,558
My girlfriends think I'm crazy for letting you behave like that on the air.
2517
01:37:44,560 --> 01:37:45,525
What are you talking about?
2518
01:37:45,527 --> 01:37:48,194
You know what it is?
It's those yentas you hang around with.
2519
01:37:48,196 --> 01:37:49,495
They're... they're driving you crazy.
2520
01:37:49,497 --> 01:37:51,129
It's not yentas, Howard.
It's everybody.
2521
01:37:51,131 --> 01:37:52,964
I can't even go... I can't even get my hair done.
2522
01:37:52,966 --> 01:37:54,332
I can't even walk in and get my hair done
2523
01:37:54,334 --> 01:37:57,034
without people looking at me like, "oh, God, that poor little thing."
2524
01:37:57,036 --> 01:37:58,101
Then you know what you gotta do?
2525
01:37:58,103 --> 01:37:59,669
You gotta go to a different hair shop or something.
2526
01:37:59,671 --> 01:38:00,670
Please.
For God's sakes,
2527
01:38:00,672 --> 01:38:02,471
if the place is driving you crazy, don't go there.
2528
01:38:02,473 --> 01:38:03,672
It's not that!
It's not that!
2529
01:38:03,674 --> 01:38:05,607
God, no wonder they think you're sleeping around!
2530
01:38:05,609 --> 01:38:06,574
Look at me!
Look at me!
2531
01:38:06,576 --> 01:38:08,375
I'm disgusting!
What about you?
2532
01:38:08,377 --> 01:38:09,642
You're not disgusting.
2533
01:38:09,644 --> 01:38:11,443
I look like a house.
2534
01:38:11,445 --> 01:38:12,410
I look like an elephant!
2535
01:38:12,412 --> 01:38:14,044
You do not.
You look beautiful.
2536
01:38:14,046 --> 01:38:15,612
You don't look like an elephant.
I do.
2537
01:38:15,614 --> 01:38:17,981
You don't look like babar.
You look gorgeous.
2538
01:38:17,983 --> 01:38:19,482
This is the most beautiful you ever looked.
2539
01:38:19,484 --> 01:38:20,484
You're carrying our baby.
2540
01:38:20,485 --> 01:38:23,285
Come over here.
You want to sit down on this couch?
2541
01:38:23,287 --> 01:38:25,687
You know what the problem is?
You're tired.
2542
01:38:25,689 --> 01:38:27,121
I am tired.
2543
01:38:27,123 --> 01:38:29,356
Here.
2544
01:38:32,728 --> 01:38:37,197
Look at this.
It's our baby.
2545
01:38:37,432 --> 01:38:41,300
It's beautiful.
You're beautiful.
2546
01:38:42,503 --> 01:38:44,603
Beautiful.
2547
01:38:45,339 --> 01:38:49,107
[Doorbell buzzes]
2548
01:38:49,109 --> 01:38:50,541
Who would come here?
2549
01:38:50,543 --> 01:38:52,709
Quiet.
2550
01:38:54,446 --> 01:38:55,511
[Doorbell buzzes]
2551
01:38:55,513 --> 01:38:57,346
I don't want to get that.
2552
01:38:57,348 --> 01:38:58,213
[Buzz] Oh.
2553
01:38:58,215 --> 01:38:59,681
Ok. I'll go get the door.
2554
01:38:59,683 --> 01:39:03,151
Don't go away.
Ok.
2555
01:39:05,288 --> 01:39:08,522
[Buzz]
2556
01:39:08,524 --> 01:39:09,256
Howdy, partner.
2557
01:39:09,258 --> 01:39:10,323
How you doing?
Oh, hey, Kenny.
2558
01:39:10,325 --> 01:39:11,524
Can I come in just for a second?
2559
01:39:11,526 --> 01:39:13,158
It's kind of a bad time, ok?
2560
01:39:13,160 --> 01:39:14,659
Just real quick, ok?
Listen.
2561
01:39:14,661 --> 01:39:16,527
I want to tell you something.
2562
01:39:16,529 --> 01:39:17,594
You've won.
2563
01:39:17,596 --> 01:39:19,362
When the new ratings come out tomorrow,
2564
01:39:19,364 --> 01:39:20,796
you are going to be number one.
2565
01:39:20,798 --> 01:39:23,031
You understand me?
A point and a half higher than imus.
2566
01:39:23,033 --> 01:39:25,233
No shit?
You've killed him.
You've slayed him.
2567
01:39:25,235 --> 01:39:26,167
You understand me?
Ha ha!
2568
01:39:26,169 --> 01:39:27,601
That's great news.
Thanks, Kenny.
I gotta go.
2569
01:39:27,603 --> 01:39:28,535
Howard!
Howard! Howard!
2570
01:39:28,537 --> 01:39:32,505
Listen, I know I've been a real pain in the butt, ok?
2571
01:39:32,507 --> 01:39:33,606
But that's all over with now.
2572
01:39:33,608 --> 01:39:35,741
Now, you're going to need a friend on the inside.
2573
01:39:35,743 --> 01:39:37,642
I'm going to do everything I can for you.
2574
01:39:37,644 --> 01:39:41,612
All right?
How's that sound, partner?
2575
01:39:42,514 --> 01:39:44,280
Fuck you.
2576
01:39:46,384 --> 01:39:47,549
People of New York...
2577
01:39:47,551 --> 01:39:49,217
People of earth...
2578
01:39:49,219 --> 01:39:51,052
We are gathered here today
2579
01:39:51,054 --> 01:39:52,586
in praise of me!
2580
01:39:52,588 --> 01:39:55,822
[Cheering]
2581
01:39:55,824 --> 01:39:58,291
Man, this is a great day in my life.
2582
01:39:58,293 --> 01:40:01,460
I've been dreaming of this day forever.
2583
01:40:01,462 --> 01:40:03,195
Thank you.
2584
01:40:03,197 --> 01:40:04,696
Thanks.
2585
01:40:04,698 --> 01:40:06,731
You know, when I got to nbc,
2586
01:40:06,733 --> 01:40:08,332
they treated me like I was a jerk.
2587
01:40:08,334 --> 01:40:12,803
They did everything to sabotage me, but because of you...
2588
01:40:12,805 --> 01:40:13,637
[Cheering]
2589
01:40:13,639 --> 01:40:15,839
Because of you, and only because of you,
2590
01:40:15,841 --> 01:40:18,641
I am now the number-one disc jockey in New York,
2591
01:40:18,643 --> 01:40:21,176
and I thank you.
I love you for that.
2592
01:40:21,178 --> 01:40:22,577
I love you!
2593
01:40:22,579 --> 01:40:24,745
Thank you!
2594
01:40:24,747 --> 01:40:27,180
This is my gift to you,
New York...
2595
01:40:27,182 --> 01:40:28,414
Ac/dc!
2596
01:40:28,416 --> 01:40:31,583
["You shook me
all night long" playing]
2597
01:40:46,466 --> 01:40:48,299
¶ She was a fast machine ¶
2598
01:40:48,301 --> 01:40:49,433
¶ she kept her motor clean ¶
2599
01:40:49,435 --> 01:40:53,670
¶ she was the best damn woman that I've ever seen ¶
2600
01:40:53,672 --> 01:40:56,139
¶ she had the sightless eyes ¶
2601
01:40:56,141 --> 01:40:57,573
¶ tellin' me no lies ¶
2602
01:40:57,575 --> 01:41:01,176
¶ knockin' me out with those American thighs ¶
2603
01:41:01,178 --> 01:41:03,578
¶ takin' more than her share ¶
2604
01:41:03,580 --> 01:41:06,247
how!
My water broke!
2605
01:41:06,249 --> 01:41:07,281
What?
2606
01:41:07,283 --> 01:41:08,448
My water broke!
2607
01:41:08,450 --> 01:41:10,683
¶ Bang, the walls started shakin' ¶
2608
01:41:10,685 --> 01:41:12,618
¶ the earth was quakin' ¶
2609
01:41:12,620 --> 01:41:14,419
¶ my mind was achin' ¶
2610
01:41:14,421 --> 01:41:17,822
¶ we were makin' when you ¶
2611
01:41:17,824 --> 01:41:21,425
¶ shook me all night long ¶
2612
01:41:21,427 --> 01:41:23,226
Howard!
2613
01:41:23,228 --> 01:41:29,765
¶ Yeah, you shook me
all night long... ¶
2614
01:41:30,701 --> 01:41:31,433
keep it moving!
2615
01:41:31,435 --> 01:41:34,669
¶ One more time, and when she got to... ¶
2616
01:41:34,671 --> 01:41:37,805
Howard!
Howard!
2617
01:41:44,847 --> 01:41:46,680
[Siren]
2618
01:41:46,682 --> 01:41:49,249
Owww!
2619
01:41:49,251 --> 01:41:51,751
Now, push! Push!
2620
01:41:51,753 --> 01:41:53,252
No, no, don't push.
Just breathe deeply.
2621
01:41:53,254 --> 01:41:54,586
Don't push, honey.
2622
01:41:54,588 --> 01:41:55,353
Ice chips.
2623
01:41:55,355 --> 01:41:56,821
Fuck ice chips, how!
2624
01:41:56,823 --> 01:41:57,855
Listen to me...
2625
01:41:57,857 --> 01:42:00,824
We named her Emily.
7 pounds, 8 ounces.
2626
01:42:00,826 --> 01:42:03,293
She was incredibly beautiful. Really nice.
2627
01:42:03,295 --> 01:42:04,394
Well, you must have felt fabulous.
2628
01:42:04,396 --> 01:42:07,597
Yeah, I had everything I ever wanted in life, you know.
2629
01:42:07,599 --> 01:42:08,564
You know, I have to admit
2630
01:42:08,566 --> 01:42:11,533
that I'm really not a very big fan of yours,
2631
01:42:11,535 --> 01:42:12,333
but, in fact, I...
2632
01:42:12,335 --> 01:42:14,902
I know. You thought I was a disgusting, sexist, racist pig
2633
01:42:14,904 --> 01:42:18,171
who had the maturity level of a 3-year-old, right?
2634
01:42:18,173 --> 01:42:19,605
Yeah, exactly.
2635
01:42:19,607 --> 01:42:21,340
Yeah. I get that all the time,
2636
01:42:21,342 --> 01:42:23,475
but then you know what happens?
2637
01:42:23,477 --> 01:42:24,742
What?
2638
01:42:24,744 --> 01:42:28,679
I grow on you like a fungus.
2639
01:42:29,248 --> 01:42:32,282
I could see that.
2640
01:42:33,918 --> 01:42:36,351
You know, I have to tell you...
2641
01:42:36,353 --> 01:42:39,654
This has been a really great flight.
2642
01:42:39,656 --> 01:42:41,522
Really?
2643
01:42:41,524 --> 01:42:43,223
Mm-hmm.
2644
01:42:43,892 --> 01:42:46,459
You know, I could get this girl.
2645
01:42:46,461 --> 01:42:47,359
I know I could get her,
2646
01:42:47,361 --> 01:42:49,561
and this is the hell that's my life.
2647
01:42:49,563 --> 01:42:50,595
I mean, think about it.
2648
01:42:50,597 --> 01:42:52,863
What would it be like to have sex with her?
2649
01:42:52,865 --> 01:42:54,397
It would be amazing,
2650
01:42:54,399 --> 01:42:56,232
but I'm not going to act on it.
2651
01:42:56,234 --> 01:42:57,866
You know why?
2652
01:42:57,868 --> 01:42:58,967
Because I'm a schmuck.
2653
01:42:58,969 --> 01:43:00,868
No, because I love Alison.
2654
01:43:00,870 --> 01:43:04,671
She stuck with me through the whole thing, you know?
2655
01:43:04,673 --> 01:43:06,639
You gotta respect that.
2656
01:43:06,641 --> 01:43:10,275
I think you have to respect that.
2657
01:43:13,446 --> 01:43:16,647
You have to respect that.
2658
01:43:22,388 --> 01:43:23,987
Hey, everybody!
2659
01:43:23,989 --> 01:43:25,388
Daddy!
Daddy!
2660
01:43:25,390 --> 01:43:26,522
Oh, did I miss you!
2661
01:43:26,524 --> 01:43:28,557
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm!
2662
01:43:28,559 --> 01:43:30,692
Let's go say hi to mommy.
Come on.
2663
01:43:30,694 --> 01:43:32,593
Hi.
Wait, wait.
There we go.
2664
01:43:32,595 --> 01:43:33,660
Did you miss me?
Mmm!
2665
01:43:33,662 --> 01:43:35,862
Hi, honey.
I missed you.
2666
01:43:35,864 --> 01:43:36,696
Oh, Gloria.
2667
01:43:36,698 --> 01:43:38,931
Honey, Gloria.
Gloria, honey.
2668
01:43:38,933 --> 01:43:39,665
Hi.
Hi.
2669
01:43:39,667 --> 01:43:40,899
Maybe the two of you would like to have
2670
01:43:40,901 --> 01:43:42,901
a little menage a trois,
tonight?
2671
01:43:42,903 --> 01:43:44,936
Huh. You know what?
Maybe some other time.
2672
01:43:44,938 --> 01:43:46,437
Just, you know, trying.
2673
01:43:46,439 --> 01:43:46,970
Yeah, I know.
2674
01:43:46,972 --> 01:43:47,837
Ok. See you,
Gloria.
2675
01:43:47,839 --> 01:43:50,840
So occasionally I make a fool of myself
in public,
2676
01:43:50,842 --> 01:43:52,274
and the fcc wants me off the air,
2677
01:43:52,276 --> 01:43:55,377
and every fundamentalist group in this country hates my guts,
2678
01:43:55,379 --> 01:43:58,980
and, yeah, most of the things I do are misunderstood.
2679
01:43:58,982 --> 01:44:00,915
Hey, after all, being misunderstood
2680
01:44:00,917 --> 01:44:03,918
is the fate of all true geniuses, is it not?
2681
01:44:03,920 --> 01:44:06,387
But my life isn't bad at all.
2682
01:44:06,389 --> 01:44:07,855
I'm still on the air,
2683
01:44:07,857 --> 01:44:09,323
I've got my kids,
2684
01:44:09,325 --> 01:44:10,290
and I've got Alison.
2685
01:44:10,292 --> 01:44:14,260
Alison...
She's the best friend I could ever have,
2686
01:44:14,262 --> 01:44:14,960
and who knows?
2687
01:44:14,962 --> 01:44:16,328
With a little time,
2688
01:44:16,330 --> 01:44:17,395
the right energy...
2689
01:44:17,397 --> 01:44:21,465
I think I could talk her into some hot lesbo action.
2690
01:44:21,467 --> 01:44:24,267
Porno for pyros:
¶ got my hands into something ¶
2691
01:44:24,269 --> 01:44:26,435
¶ I could not touch... ¶
2692
01:44:26,437 --> 01:44:28,370
stuttering John:
Wait! Wait! Is that it?
2693
01:44:28,372 --> 01:44:29,437
What, the movie's over?
2694
01:44:29,439 --> 01:44:31,372
Oh, yeah?
That's bullshit!
2695
01:44:31,374 --> 01:44:33,440
Hi. You know who I am?
Yeah, I'm stuttering John.
2696
01:44:33,442 --> 01:44:34,841
You know why I'm pissed?
I'll tell you why.
2697
01:44:34,843 --> 01:44:37,710
I've been getting up at 5:00 every morning to work for Howard.
2698
01:44:37,712 --> 01:44:38,944
I've been pissing off every publicist,
2699
01:44:38,946 --> 01:44:40,445
burning every freaking bridge in the industry,
2700
01:44:40,447 --> 01:44:44,482
and y-y-you'd figure Howard would pay me back by putting me in his movie!
2701
01:44:44,484 --> 01:44:45,783
No, he doesn't!
I'm not in the movie!
2702
01:44:45,785 --> 01:44:48,318
I've been in here for 8 years, cuttin' his freaking potato!
2703
01:44:48,320 --> 01:44:50,320
I've been pissed and smacked around by Morton downey,
2704
01:44:50,322 --> 01:44:52,488
punched in the nose by Raquel Welch, and what do I get?
2705
01:44:52,490 --> 01:44:53,856
I get fucking nothing!
That's what I get!
2706
01:44:53,858 --> 01:44:55,057
I'm not even in this fucking movie!
2707
01:44:55,059 --> 01:44:56,491
He's says I'll be in the sequel!
2708
01:44:56,493 --> 01:44:58,025
Yeah? What sequel?
Suppose the movie sucks?
2709
01:44:58,027 --> 01:44:59,693
Th-th-th-there won't
even be any sequel!
2710
01:44:59,695 --> 01:45:03,730
¶ If you lie for your breakfast, then you won't get lunch ¶
2711
01:45:03,732 --> 01:45:07,433
¶ I'm a hard charger ¶
2712
01:45:07,435 --> 01:45:09,701
¶ I don't believe in dying ¶
2713
01:45:09,703 --> 01:45:11,969
¶ no such luck ¶
2714
01:45:11,971 --> 01:45:14,806
¶ hard charger ¶
2715
01:45:14,808 --> 01:45:19,677
¶ can't stay pretty 'cause it's just no fun ¶
2716
01:45:19,679 --> 01:45:22,980
¶ hard charger ¶
2717
01:45:23,782 --> 01:45:27,016
announcer:
Ladies and gentlemen, Mia farrow.
2718
01:45:27,018 --> 01:45:29,585
[Applause]
2719
01:45:29,587 --> 01:45:30,852
Thank you.
2720
01:45:30,854 --> 01:45:31,986
Thank you.
2721
01:45:31,988 --> 01:45:36,023
The nominees for best actor are...
2722
01:45:36,025 --> 01:45:37,624
Harrison Ford...
2723
01:45:37,626 --> 01:45:39,459
[Applause]
2724
01:45:39,461 --> 01:45:41,160
Denzel Washington...
2725
01:45:41,162 --> 01:45:42,794
[Applause]
2726
01:45:42,796 --> 01:45:44,529
Robert de niro...
2727
01:45:44,531 --> 01:45:47,532
[Applause]
2728
01:45:47,534 --> 01:45:48,966
Tom Hanks...
2729
01:45:48,968 --> 01:45:51,702
[Applause]
2730
01:45:51,704 --> 01:45:53,103
Howard stern.
2731
01:45:53,105 --> 01:45:55,004
[Silence]
2732
01:45:55,006 --> 01:45:58,674
And the winner is...
2733
01:45:58,676 --> 01:46:00,142
Howard stern.
2734
01:46:00,144 --> 01:46:01,743
[Murmuring]
2735
01:46:01,745 --> 01:46:04,545
[Trumpet fanfare]
2736
01:46:06,181 --> 01:46:08,848
It's me!
2737
01:46:08,850 --> 01:46:09,648
[Snap]
2738
01:46:09,650 --> 01:46:12,817
Aah!
Oh!
Oh!
2739
01:46:14,754 --> 01:46:19,223
[Cheering and applause]
2740
01:46:19,892 --> 01:46:24,194
Howard:
¶ I'm a radio star,
a hit on TV... ¶
2741
01:46:24,196 --> 01:46:25,161
¶ my life is on film ¶
2742
01:46:25,163 --> 01:46:26,962
¶ yet it sucks bein' me ¶
2743
01:46:26,964 --> 01:46:28,096
Ben: Shut up! Sit down!
2744
01:46:28,098 --> 01:46:30,031
¶ My life's a wreck ¶
2745
01:46:30,033 --> 01:46:31,966
¶ I'm bored with sex ¶
2746
01:46:31,968 --> 01:46:36,937
¶ I've got a big nose
and a skinny neck ¶
2747
01:46:36,939 --> 01:46:39,506
¶ I can't sing ¶
2748
01:46:39,508 --> 01:46:40,974
¶ I can't dance ¶
2749
01:46:40,976 --> 01:46:45,178
¶ I make money talking about
the joke in my underpants ¶
2750
01:46:45,180 --> 01:46:46,946
¶ I'm a tortured man ¶
2751
01:46:46,948 --> 01:46:47,746
shut up! Sit down!
2752
01:46:47,748 --> 01:46:48,813
¶ I'm a tortured man ¶
2753
01:46:48,815 --> 01:46:50,514
I told you not to be stupid, you moron.
2754
01:46:50,516 --> 01:46:51,748
Howard: I'm just thinking for a minute.
2755
01:46:51,750 --> 01:46:54,917
Should I trade half my money for 10 times as much sex?
2756
01:46:54,919 --> 01:46:56,618
It's an equation from hell.
2757
01:46:56,620 --> 01:46:57,251
Ray: Oh, well!
2758
01:46:57,253 --> 01:46:59,086
It's an equation from hell.
2759
01:46:59,088 --> 01:47:01,121
Oh, well!
2760
01:47:03,125 --> 01:47:06,893
¶ Your mouth is like a
suicide ¶
2761
01:47:06,895 --> 01:47:09,695
¶ talking like you'd never
die ¶
2762
01:47:09,697 --> 01:47:15,934
¶ melting me down and suck, suck, sucking my brain ¶
2763
01:47:15,936 --> 01:47:22,674
¶ and I can't be the one... ¶
2764
01:47:22,676 --> 01:47:24,642
I bear no grudge against Howard stern.
2765
01:47:24,644 --> 01:47:29,013
He's been very successful, and God bless him.
2766
01:47:29,015 --> 01:47:30,214
God bless him.
2767
01:47:30,216 --> 01:47:31,515
But I'll tell you something,
2768
01:47:31,517 --> 01:47:33,116
I ain't done too badly myself.
2769
01:47:33,118 --> 01:47:35,651
Uh, I manage a shopping mall
2770
01:47:35,653 --> 01:47:37,019
down in Florence, Alabama.
2771
01:47:37,021 --> 01:47:40,589
Yeah. It's the number-one mall in colbert county,
2772
01:47:40,591 --> 01:47:42,524
and it's number 4 in the state,
2773
01:47:42,526 --> 01:47:43,992
so, it's not too bad, you know?
2774
01:47:43,994 --> 01:47:48,930
Uh, I play golf several times a week, you know?
2775
01:47:48,932 --> 01:47:50,765
Uh, but I'll tell you,
2776
01:47:50,767 --> 01:47:54,869
if Howard would have listened to me,
2777
01:47:54,871 --> 01:47:58,539
I'd still be up there in radio.
2778
01:47:58,541 --> 01:48:01,608
Still be doing radio, you know.
2779
01:48:01,610 --> 01:48:03,676
[Jackhammer]
2780
01:48:03,678 --> 01:48:05,978
How about that?
2781
01:48:07,748 --> 01:48:11,149
That goddamn motherfucker, you know?
2782
01:48:11,151 --> 01:48:11,816
[Jackhammer]
2783
01:48:11,818 --> 01:48:14,785
I tried every fucking thing I could fucking think of
2784
01:48:14,787 --> 01:48:17,721
to mold him into a proper kind of d.J.,
2785
01:48:17,723 --> 01:48:21,558
but that...
[Jackhammer]
2786
01:48:22,093 --> 01:48:25,060
I'll tell you...
Howard stern, man.
2787
01:48:25,062 --> 01:48:28,863
[Siren] [Jackhammer]
2788
01:48:28,865 --> 01:48:33,167
I'll say that with no shame either!
2789
01:48:33,169 --> 01:48:35,002
Man's a...
[Jackhammer]
2790
01:48:35,004 --> 01:48:37,571
Foul-mouthed,
immature...
2791
01:48:37,573 --> 01:48:39,205
The man's immature, you know?
2792
01:48:39,207 --> 01:48:42,908
He's like a... Child.
[Jackhammer]
2793
01:48:42,910 --> 01:48:44,075
I'll tell you this much.
2794
01:48:44,077 --> 01:48:48,079
There ain't no God while Howard stern's walking the earth,
2795
01:48:48,081 --> 01:48:51,982
I'll tell you that.
I gotta go.
2796
01:48:54,853 --> 01:48:58,921
How about that?
Howard stern, huh?
2797
01:48:58,923 --> 01:49:00,323
Howard stern can kiss my ass in hell!
190839
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