All language subtitles for The Big Mouth (1967)COMEDY SATTIRE 1080P BLURAY

Ladies and gentlemen,

the story you are about to see

was taken almost word for word

and incident for incident
out of the files

of the Treasury Department's
roughest cases.

It is an actual case history,

and one that baffled
the department for years.

It is, to my mind,

one of the most
incredible stories

I've ever heard,

and I'm quite certain
you will find it the same.

Please keep one thing in mind

as the story unfolds before you.

Everything you are about to see

is true.

It actually happened.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪ CONTINUES]

[♪♪♪ CONTINUES]

Hey, mister, I'm awfully sorry.
But I'd like to explain.

You see, I was doing
nothing but fishing.

I look forward to it all year.
I don't do anything

but just fish, see?
And I was out there fishing,

I cast out my line
and then I saw the rod bend,

and I never dreamed
I would catch anything

uh, particularly catch anything
even half as large as you are.

- Never mind.

Knock off the chatter
and listen.

- Oh, yeah,
don't worry about that.

I'm a very, very good listener.

- Lift me up a little.

- Yeah, sure.

Oh.

Hey, mister,
you're really hurt.

Gee, I didn't think
the hook was that strong.

- Not much time left.

Diamonds.

Lots of diamonds,

millions, dollars,

don't let them have 'em.
Stop 'em.

Promise, please, swear.

- W-well, I'll promise,

but I-I never swear.

Once in a while a little
curse word sneaks out,

but I never swear. That's
something I don't do.

- Oh, the hotel...

The yardarm.

The hotel with the yardarm.

The pouch. Run!

Wait!

Give me your word.

Run!

Wait!

Promise me. Swear.

- I told you before, mister,
about the swearing.

I never do that.

[GUNFIRE]

[SEAGULLS CAWING IN DISTANCE]

[GUNFIRE]

[SPLASHING]

[ENGINE STARTS]

- Incredible.

Right?

That young man
was Gerald Clamson.

Here.

Take a closer look.

He is the head auditor
for the Weak National Bank

and has held down
that position for 11 years.

He's a bachelor

and he works very hard
50 weeks a year,

and waits with nerve-tingling
impatience

for that two weeks vacation

when all he has
to think about is fishing.

He loves to fish and travel,

and otherwise
mind his own business.

However, circumstances,

unusual circumstances,

had suddenly put him
in a position

where he couldn't just
mind his own business.

He would at least have to
report all this to the police.

- He's dead, that's for sure.

- Is he dead?

- I checked him. He's dead.

- You thought he was dead
in Chicago.

- No, Rex thought
he was dead in Chicago.

I thought he was dead
in Hong Kong.

- Rex thought
he was dead in Seattle..

Gunner thought
he was dead in Hong Kong.

And you thought
he got it in Chicago..

Now did anybody
check to make sure it's him?

- I told you I checked.
Can't you hear?

- Not if you don't
press the button, he won't.

- I checked.

- Yeah, you checked to see
if he was dead.

You said, "Sure, he's dead.

But is it him that's dead?".

- Now check and make sure
it's a dead him.

- It's him, all right, boss.
No doubt about it.

The same beady little eyes,

that dumb nose.

He even has that same stupid
smile on his face.

- It's too good to be true..

- You're right, boss.

You know, this'll be the first
good night's sleep

I've had in years.

- Never mind all that.

Now make sure
there's nothing on him.

Put some extra weights on him,

and bring him out
into the deep water.

Then come back to the ship.
Over and out.

- Right, boss.

[MAN COUGHS]

- Gunner, you catching cold?

- I didn't cough.

[♪♪♪]

- You know what I'm gonna do?

You know what I'm gonna do?

Give me that clip.

Give me it.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna make
so sure this time

that even if I doubt it,
I won't!

[GUNFIRE]

- Precious Minutes
to Torn Pocket.

- This is Torn Pocket.

- The sounds I'm hearing,
you're still not sure.

So I'll handle this
once and for all.

Now stand back and take cover.

[♪♪♪]

[EXPLOSION]

[LAUGHS]

[SNEEZES]

- This was Sid Valentine,

alias Sid Valente,
alias Big Sid,

alias Ice Pick Sid,

alias Helen Valentine.
He tried everything.

He had a record of
26 arrests and 25 convictions,

for grand theft,
assault with a deadly weapon,

narcotics, murder,
female impersonator.

In fact, every known crime
in the book.

He was absolutely no relation
to Gerald Clamson,

but, uh, he could've easily
passed as his twin brother.

He was a member of
a multi-million dollar

diamond smuggling ring
until he decided

to cut himself in
for a bigger piece of the pie.

- What's the trouble, Ed?

- Hiya, Jack. A 309 and a 107.

- Oh.

Driving on the wrong side
and faulty tail lights, huh?

- No.

Faulty tail lights?

Oh. A 309 and a 107.

309 is speeding.

107 is expired license plates.

- You see, officer, like I was
telling this other gentleman,

I was doing nothing but
fishing this morning,

when the man in a rubber suit
came up on the beach

and talked to me
about the diamonds.

- Speeding is a 601.

- It's a 309.

- Plus the fact there was this
big boat out there, you see,

and it was shooting at me
and it had this yardarm,

and I promised.

[SIREN WAILING]

GERALD: See, actually,
it was all motivated

by just wanting to go fishing,

and, uh, I do that every year.

Now, I-I'm just trying
to say that I...

- What's the problem here, men?

- A 309 and a 107.

- Oh, resisting arrest
and a leaky muffler, huh?

- No, driving on the wrong side
and faulty tail lights.

- No, no.
It was just that I was fishing

and this man came out
of the ocean, see,

and he was carrying
this diamond yardarm,

and he had the mask on.

OFFICER 1: I said speeding
and expired license plates.

OFFICER 3:
A 309 is resisting arrest.

OFFICER 1: That's impossible.
[OFFICER 3 LAUGHS]

- All right,
what's it all about?

- Oh, uh, i-it's all about,

uh, it's all about the man
who came out of the ocean

in-in the black
rubber suit and told me

to go to the hotel.

- [OFFICER 3]
This officer says a 309

is not resisting arrest.

- A 309 is swimming in the nude.

- Uh, here, look at my manual,

and I'll prove it to you.

- Look, it all happened ...
- Here you are ...

- He came out of the ocean ...

- 309, resisting arrest ...
- There was also the boat ...

- While swimming in the nude.
They were shooting from a boat...

[ALL TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

- This boat-shooting, man,

he was dying.

I promised.

I said, I promised
that I would just ...

From the boat, this man...

Will someone listen to me?

I'm just... will someone just ...
I'm trying to explain,

if someone would just
listen to me for a second!

I'm trying ...
I'm trying to ex...

Look ... I'm...
[OFFICERS KEEP ARGUING]

Somebody better li...

All right, now.

Okay.

Now, that's it.

You're gonna listen
or I'm goin'.

I'm getting in the car.

Watch it.

[OFFICERS KEEP ARGUING]

I'm getting in the car.

Here, I'm almost in the car.

And I'm going to slam the door.

There, it's slammed.

[ENGINE START]
[OFFICERS STILL ARGUING]

Watch, I'm gonna leave.

- So you see, what Jerry's
beginning to find out

is that most people

are so completely wrapped up
in their own affairs

that they aren't
really terribly interested

in anything
that doesn't involve them.

And, unfortunately,

that's the way it is.

- [MAN] I'm beginning to
think this map is a phony

Nobody asked you.
Shut up and keep digging.

- What if it is a phony?

- It isn't a phony.

Why would he make a phony
and leave it on the boat

he rigged to blow up?

- Okay, so we found
the dynamite,

then the phony map would
slow us up some more.

- Okay, stupid,

now where's the real map?

It wasn't on him, was it?

- Maybe he gave it
to the fisherman.

- Fisherman? Are you nuts?

He wouldn't give it
to some stranger.

- He'd give it to anyone else
before he gave it to us.

- Will you stupes shut up?

Now, the only way to find out
if this is a phony map,

and that's to dig. Dig?

We dig.

[TELEPHONE DINGS]

- [WOMAN] Operator.

- Oh, hello, operator, uh,

I have a small problem. Well,
actually it's a big problem.

You see ...
- I'll connect you

with Customer Service.

- Oh no, I want the police.

- [STETSON]Hello. Customer
Service, Stetson here.

Oh. Uh, no,
I don't want Customer Service.

I think the operator
made a mistake.

Would you get her
back for me, please?

- Just click the receiver, sir,

and you'll get
the operator back.

- Oh, of course. I'm sorry.

[TELEPHONE DINGS]

- [WOMAN] Operator.

- Uh, operator,
how do I call the police?

- I usually cup my hands
around my mouth and yell,

"Help, Police!".

- No. I mean on the phone.

- Do you want
the Mission Bay Department,

Waterfront Patrol

or the San Diego Main Office?.

- Well, I really don't know.

You see,
I have this little problem,

well, actually, it's
a big problem...

- I'll connect
you with Customer Service..

- No, wait!

- [STETSON]Hi.
This is Customer Service,

Stetson speaking.

- Hello. I want the police.

- Well, they're not here.

This is Customer Service,
Stetson speaking.

- Yeah, I know this is,

uh, Customer Service, Stetson.

But I don't want
Customer Service, see?

I want - I want the police

and - and I asked the operator,

a-and will you
get her back for me?

- If you could try clicking
the receiver, hm?

- I did that once
and I lost my dime.

- If you call Customer Service
they'll mail your dime back.

- You're Customer Service,
Stetson!

- Well, how about that?

Uh, why don't you just call me
and give me your address?

[TELEPHONE JANGLES]

[TELEPHONE DINGS]

- [WOMAN] Operator.

- Hello, operator,
get me the police.

- Do you want
the Mission Bay Department,

Waterfront Patrol

or the San Diego Main Office?.

- Look, operator, I don't care.

I have this prob ...
No, look.

Get me the
San Diego Main Office.

- That'll be 15 cents, please.

[TELEPHONE JANGLES]

Hello?

This is your operator.

- [STETSON] Oh, hi, operator,

this is Mister Stetson
with Customer Service.

- There seems to be some trouble
on this line, Mister Stetson..

- Trouble?

Oh, there was some nut
on there a minute ago

complaining about
losing a dime.

- Oh, is that so?

Well, I got some news for you,
you're nuts.

How do you like that, folks?

You're both nuts!

I'm on the phone here,

and they keep...

[♪♪♪]

Mister, what's that over there?

- Uh, uh, where?

- Right there.
Wh-what's that over there?

- Th-th-th-that's a hotel.
Th-th-the - The Hilton Inn.

- That's it. That's it.
The yardarm. That's it!

- Th-that's what?
- The yardarm. The hotel!

Oh, that's it.
I've been looking,

and it's right there
in front of me.

The Yardarm Hilton!
Ooh, that's it!

[♪♪♪]

- Thank you.

Oh. Oh.

- So sorry.
- Golly.

- Oh, I'm terrible sorry.

I was in a hurry, and I ...

I didn't see you
standing there.

- It's all right.
I-I just guess,

I got carried away
on my shopping spree.

- Well, that's a woman's
privilege, isn't it?

- I guess!
- Oh, hey... I could...

Oh, uh, your change...
- Let me tell you

a little secret.
- Yeah?

- I like chivalrous men who help
ladies with their packages.

I hope that
doesn't change either.

- Well, here you are.

[FLUSTERED JERRY MUMBLING]

- I think I have
everything now.

- Yeah, well, you sure?
I'd better help you in case,

because you're not very ...
- Thank you.

- It's not good yet.

[♪♪♪]

[woman giggles
- Can you make it all right now?

- I'll be fine, if you'll
just... Wait, here.

- Here you go,
put that there. Okay.

- Okay.
- Okay?

- Thank you very much.

- You're welcome.
- You've been very kind.

- Thank you. I-I...

Uh, till we meet again!

Say, excuse me, but I was just
helping a lady out there,

and I came in here because ...
- Look, fella,

I don't know what you're up to,
but take my advice ...

- Oh well, I just came up here
for some information. You see

I was fishing, and, uh,
this morning, on the beach,

and I-I had this man tell me
about the yardarm in the hotel,

and I wanted to find out
if it was about the diamonds.

So I saw the...
- We don't need any diamonds,

and I couldn't care less
about your personal problem.

Would you just put an egg
in your shoe and beat it.

- No but you don't understand ...
[MAN GROANS]

Oh, I'm sorry. Mister, did ...
Are you all right?

[MAN GROANS]
Mister? Oh, I really...

Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, let me explain,

uh, that was an accident...

Oh, I'm awfully sorry.
I couldn't help it.

[BANGING]

- If I could just get my room,
I'd appreciate it.

- Right away, Colonel Sanders,
right away, sir.

Beat it!

- Yeah, all right.

- Such rank inefficiency
I never seen.

You bungling moron.

- Moron?

Oh, me? Of course.
[LAUGHS]

Very happy to have
you with us, sir.

Front, boy!

Uh, I'm sorry I took so long,
sir, very sorry.

- You should be sorry.

- Well, I am.
It's the foot, sir.

- [BAMBI]
What are you looking for?

- [MAN] I don't know. I got
me a hunch the diamonds

are some place on this boat.

Look, baby,
there's two possibilities.

One, he hid the diamonds here
some place on this boat,

figuring the boat
was going to blow up.

Then he was going to
skin dive down,

and lift them all
from the bottom of the ocean.

Or...

he buried them
in another place,

and passed the map
onto an accomplice.

Huh?

[LAUGHS]

- Who?

Surely not one
of the three wise men.

- Ah, we saw another
guy on the beach.

A fisherman.

I don't think he would give it
to some stranger...

but on the other hand
he had no choice.

He might have figured
that anything was better

than leaving it for me.

For us.

- I don't know
why you'd think that.

Yeah.

We were his friends.

[BAMBI] Fisherman, huh?

Where is this fisherman now?

- Who knows?
He might come back to the beach.

We'll keep it cased.

But I still say the diamonds
are on this boat.

- I don't think so.

[MAN 1] I don't think
he'd stash 'em here.

[MAN 2] And I don't
think it makes sense.

[MAN 3] Look, Rex was
down at the beach,

and everybody was down
there and nobody knew ...

[EVERYONE ARGUING]
- Ahh!

Nobody's interested
in what you creeps think.

And I'm still going to keep
looking on this boat.

- Well, I've got to
get back to the hotel.

- [MAN 3] What hotel?

- [MAN 1] Yeah, what hotel?

- It's a new job
and it makes for a nice front.

- [MAN 1] What's the job?

- Tennis instructor
at the Racket Club.

And it's opposite
the Hilton on Mission Bay.

[♪♪♪]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[CRASH]

- [NARRATOR] We're not sure
whether it was the diamonds,

the frustration of not being
able to get anyone to listen,

or the little girl
with the big packages.

One thing is for sure.

He was determined

to get into that hotel.

He went to a used clothing
store and a novelty shop

just so he could
have another go

at getting by that desk clerk.

The one he almost
crippled for life.

- [BOY] Yes, sir.
- Oh!

- And welcome to the Hilton Inn.

- [FAKE ACCENT]
Oh, thank you. It's very...

[MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY]

- May I get your baggage, sir?

- Yes, you can get ...
Oh, oh, uh, my baggage.

Oh, uh, uh, well, no.

That ... my man is bringing it
in the other car.

- The-the other car?

- Oh, well, yes. this is,
this car I use just strictly

for sentimental reasons.

But when I go to
a very beautiful, lovely...

then I use the other car,

and my man is coming back.

- Oh, naturally, sir.
- Yes.

- Would you follow me, sir?

- Ah, yes, I mean, just, uh,
lead the way, young man.

- Oh, oh...

- All right, get your
get your hands off.

Just ... don't get familiar.
Go on, go on. Lead the way.

Lead the way!

[GRUNTING]

[BELL RINGING]

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Your bell broke.

So you had a broke bell,

so I-I just, uh,
tossed it, uh...

- Just a darned second, fella.

- [GERALD] Yes, mmm.

You're doing
a very good job here.

[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]

I'd like to explain ...
- Oh, may I help you, sir?

- Oh, yes. I'm here for help.

A suite would be fine.

- Oh, yes. We happen to have one
overlooking the bay.

- A very beautiful suite, sir.
- Oh, Marvey, Marvey.

- I - if you'll just sign
the register, here, sir.

I'll have the boy
show you the way.

- Oh, no,
that won't be necessary.

I've been writing my name since
I was just a little tike.

I know how to print it, write it
backwards, anyway you like.

I-I know how to do that.

- I didn't mean that.
I meant that he would show you

the way to the suite, sir.
- Marvelous. Marvelous.

Good thinking.
Wonderful guy.

There it is. Clamson.

Not Clampson. There you are.

Here, back away, back away.

Just show me the way.
Don't get close.

Don't get familiar. Go on.

You want a tip you conduct
yourself like a gentleman.

You're doing a marvelous job.
Wonderful. Good. Good man.

Hey, is this ... ?
[STUMBLES]

Just, ah, lead the way.
- Ooh!

- Oh, I'm sorry ...
[DROPS ACCENT] Oh, hello!

- Hello.
- Well do you remember me?

- No.

- W-well, yesterday I-I
helped ... oh.

- I'm sorry but I - I don't
think we've ever met before.

- No, I was just going to say I
don't think we ever met before.

- Oh, good. You probably...

Maybe you think I'm ...
that I'm somebody else?

- No, I was, yes, thinking
that you might be someone else.

You look very much like someone,
I guess.

- Well, thank you very much.
- Well, you're welcome.

- I hope you find
who you're looking for.

- Oh, well, thank you.

- Will you excuse me now?
- Oh, certainly.

Hm.

[SIGHS]

- All right? He did it.

Now he looks like a dead crook

and a live creep.
Take your pick.

It must have been that little
bank examiner mind of his

that made him push on.

How would you like a man

with that kind of determination

looking over
your income tax every year?

- [BOY] Sir?

- Thank you. Go right ahead,
go right ahead.

- Here you are, sir.

If you'll, uh, follow me
I'll show you round.

- It's very nice.

[BANGING]

Very nice indeed.

No, uh, that won't be necessary,
young man.

I do have some important matters
to take care of.

As a matter of fact,
I do have to call my broker.

So if you'll be good enough
just let me have the key.

- Oh, here you are, sir.
- Thank you.

Thank you very much.

This is lovely, yes.

Marvelous. Uh-huh.
Early American wood.

That's marvelous.

Oh, yes, for heaven's sake,

I did neglect to take care
of you, didn't I?

Hm.

Nothing there.

Lint. Ha.

Here you are.
That's for you, young man.

I'm sorry,
I don't have any change.

Oh, that's perfectly all right.

You keep it all.
Enjoy it. Use it all.

Yes, good, good.

Take it all and use it
and enjoy yourself.

- The whole dime? Take it all,
the whole dime?

- Oh. I see what you mean.

Yes, all right.

[CHUCKLES]

There you are, a whole dollar.

- Oh, thank you, sir.

I can go a long way on that.

- Yes, really? Like where?

You know, what with
the economy today,

it's more or less a gag.

[LAUGHS]

Well, thank you
very much, young man.

- That's quite a wallet
you have, sir.

- Oh, yes. Um, I was fishing ...

Oh, that is, a friend of mine,

who was fishing,
let me have it.

- Oh, it's waterproof.

For people who go boating
and fishing

and things like that.

It's probably good
for skin divers too.

- Yes. Uh... more or less,

as a matter of fact, speaking
of skin divers, just this ...

- Well, sir, anytime you want
anything, you just call me,

Harold, and I'll
come running. Bye, sir.

Bye-bye. Yes.

Harold. Harold.

Lovely.

[SIGHS]

[CLATTERING]

[MORE CLATTERING]

[MORE CLATTERING]

- Hi!
- Oh! [LAUGHS]

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You remember me?
- Sure.

You're the nice boy that helped
me with my packages.

- Yeah, well I ...
- How are you?

- Good. But I hope
I didn't scare you.

- That's okay.
- Oh. I-I'm fine.

Where are you off to?

- Oh, I was just going
to do a little sailing.

They have some, uh,
boats down at the pier.

- Oh. I love - I love -
I love sailing.

I used to have a '48 floatilla.

- Well, then w-why don't you
come along with me if, ah,

you don't have
anything else to do?

Because they'll be
plenty of room.

- Oh, really?
Yeah, I would like that.

- I don't think
they're on the boat.

- [MAN] Me neither.

Ah! I say they are!

Gunner, you take the speed boat

and go to the hotel.

But tell Bambi not to panic.

Tell her not to pick-up
pick-up yet

And you two,

keep on eye out
for that fisherman.

- Well, here it is.

How do you like it?

- Wow, she's beautiful. It must
be very soft and neat there.

- It's lovely.
- I like that.

- Okay, I'll take the bow,
you shove out the stern.

- Oh, shove it out? Is it in ...
Where do you get it?

- Right over there.

- Oh, you mean that one.
- It's the end of the boat.

- Yeah, I knew that, I...

- Okay, now, untie the stern.

- Yeah. I got it.

Oh. Oh.

- Now, be careful.
- Oh!

- Watch it, n-no,
d-don't push it out too fast.

- Oh.
- Don't forget to - to jump -

[YELLING]

W-Watch it!

W-Watch it. Watch it!
[LAUGHING]

[GRUNTING]

- Hold on!
- [GROANING]

Oh.... Ahhh!

[SPLASHING]

- Oh!

[SPLASHING AND GRUNTING]

[♪♪♪]

[COUGHING]

[SPLUTTERING]

[MORE SPLUTTERING]

- Uh, mister...?

- Uh, Glore, Thor Glore.

I'd like to see my friend.

- He could be dangerous.

- Dangerous?

Oh, don't be ridiculous,
I've known him for years.

- Very well. I'll go get him.

- Yeah, you do that.

- I opened them for you.

- Oh, sit down.

Dangerous.

[CHUCKLES]

Dangerous.

[♪♪♪]

Gunner, what happened?

- Hey, Gunner,
quit the clownin', huh?

It's us.

- What's the matter with him?

- [THOR] Maybe he saw
something over at that hotel.

- Why don't you ask him?

- Gunner?

Did you happen to see
something unusual

over at that hotel?

[BARKING]

- I say, that was kind of
spooky, wasn't it?

With that guy? On the all -
all fours like that.

- It-it sure was.

I mean, from where I was
standing on the boat,

it looked as if he was looking
at you, you see.

So when he stopped,

and froze on all fours,
just, zip,

it really did look strange.

- How long are you going
to stay here?

- Oh, I live here.

You see,
I work for the airlines.

PSA.

I'm a, uh, senior stewardess.

- Oh.

Senior stewardess.

That's like, you're the head man
and all that.

You have to be single
to be that, right?

- That's right.

How long are -
are you gonna be here?

- I'm gonna be...
I'm not gonna be.

I mean, I didn't plan
to be here at all.

Uh, look. It all started
with my problem, see.

It started because I like to go
fishing all the time.

So I go fishing
the other morning.

That's when it started. Now,
I'm on the beach all by my ...

Oh!

So I hope
I can see you tomorrow?

- Uh, su - sure.
If you want to. I ...

All I was gonna do
is just play a little tennis.

- Oh, well, good, okay, fine.

Tennis, oh, America's pastime,
I love that,

I love to pass my time
in America.

- No, what I mean to say that,
I know, I go to all the games.

Yeah, tomorrow, what time?

- Fine, let's play at 10.

- Uh, fine.

[BIRDS CHIRPING IN DISTANCE]

Tomorrow is fine, 10.

Tennis pastime, okay,
then I'll see you.

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

[SIGHS]

[GERALD] Oh, uh, hello.
[FAKE ACCENT]

Uh, you know, oddly enough

I said myself, "Gerald,
how about a tennis lesson?".

And I answered: "Good idea.".

So if you have nets
and rounds and bats,

well, say in about ten minutes
I can get over there?

Oh, Marvey, fine,
all right, yes.

Huh? Oh, my name, yes,
Clamson.

Gerald Clamson.

C-L-A-M-son.

- Mr. Clamson, fine,
thank you very much.

- Oh, well, hello,
Mr. Clamson.

Enjoying your stay, I hope?

- Oh, yes, Marvey, Marvey,
just a marvelous place,

Hilton is lovely and gorgeous
and I'm having a marvelous time.

You look like you're disturbed.
You looking for something?

- Well, you see, Mr. Clamson,

there's this nut who's trying
to get into the hotel,

and, uh...

well, in fact he's going around
hurting people Mr. Clamson, yes.

- He's trying to get into ... ?
- Oh, my foot.

Anyway, I thought I saw
him darting in and out of here

a moment ago.
- Oh, I see.

What does he look like,
Mr. Hodges?

- Have you ever seen a
roadrunner, Mr. Clamson?

- A roadrunner, yes I believe
I have. Yes, a cute little ...

- That's the only way
to describe this kook.

- Oh, I see.

Well, that's terrible, terrible,
Mr. Hodges.

I'm sorry to hear about that.
I do hope you get your man.

Oh, I will, I will, I will.

In fact, we have
two house detectives

working on it right now.
- Well, that's marvelous.

I'm sure that you're securing
your security, as it were.

Well, I hope
that you're feeling better.

And good day, Mr. Hodges.
- Thank you.

Uh, Mr. Clamson.
- Oh, yes?

- Were you on your way
to some, uh, some sort

of a party or something?
- Oh no!

A little tennis, that's all.
- Oh.

- I thought I'd play a
little tennis.

- Tennis! For heaven's sake
forgive me. Yes of course.

- Good for the body,
good for the mind.

Jack Kramer, Gung Ho, the pros.

[SMASHING AND SCREAMING]

- Owwwww!

Oh, my worst foot!
He hit my worst... oh!

[GROANING]

[♪♪♪]

- Oh.

[SNICKERS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Uh, how do you do?

Uh, Miss Berman?
Or is it Mrs. Berman?

- Miss is correct,
but you can call me Bambi,

Mr. Clamson.

- Oh, as you wish, my dear.

Splendid. And, uh,

if you choose
you may call me Gerald.

- How sweet.
You know, Gerald,

as you were walking
over this way,

I had the strangest feeling

that I'd met you before.

- That is odd. That is odd,
my dear child. As a matter

of fact, that's happened
to me on a number of occasions.

Just the other day
someone came up to me

and took me for Gregory Peck.

- You're kidding?

- Walked right over and said,
ha, ha.

Oh, I see that you have
all the equipment,

the necessary means that would
be necessary for me to need.

And, uh, I could just get
r-right away and throw and...

To play the game, that is,
correctly. [SNORTS]

Oh, oh. I'm curious, uh,
Bambi, uh,

do these models come
in the, uh, right hand

and the left hand models?

- Why, are you ambidextrous?

- Oh, on the contrary.

I can play equally as well
with one hand

as I can the other.

- Fine. Then let's go out
on the court

and we'll brush up on
your fundamentals a little bit.

- Oh, marvelous.
I-I'll take these for you.

The fundamentals are, uh,
awfully important.

I-I think that in any sport,
the basic fundamentals

and rudiments are equally
as important at the beginning

as they would be
if you were just starting.

Well, fine.

- All right, now you
remember the grip, don't you?

- Oh, yes, how can I forget?
I was laid up four days.

I had a very,
very bad running nose,

had a rash on the side
of my leg,

and I limped for about an hour
after it was over,

but it's not something I like
to remember.

It is painful, as it were.

- Well, what I meant,
Gerald, was the tennis grip.

- Oh, yes, yes.
- Now, if you recall,

it's just like shaking hands.

Now put your hand out
as if you were going

to shake my hand.
- How do you do?

I'm Gerald Clamson, of course.
- Fine. Very good.

Now take the racket
just like you did my hand.

- Yes.
- Okay. Very good.

- Good.
- Now remember this,

a nice firm wrist.
- Yes.

- Okay, now let's see
your backhand.

- There it is.

Uh... maybe holding on to it,
uh, firm ... firmerly,

would have been stronger
than loose.

- Let me show you.
- Yes.

- Okay.

Now remember,

nice and smooth, like that.

[GULPS]

- That certainly is smooth.

Yes, a, uh, a man can faint
from such smoothness.

[CHUCKLES]

- All right, now you try it.

- Yes. I have a better thought.
How would it be

if we were just to volley around
a couple of rounds?

And that way we could back
into the swing of things, in.

- All right, I'll go over on
the other side

and I'll serve to you.

- Listen, this might
be even better.

Uh, how would it be
if you went over

on the other side
and served to me?

- I just said that.

- Well, then we're
thinking alike and

then we should play beautifully,

for that matter,
wouldn't you say?

- Okay, Gerald.
- Don't forget your balls.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

It's murder to play
with just the, uh, rackets.

Have to have that.
Now anytime you're ready.

I'm all set.

[BALL THUMPS]

[AIR SWOOSHES]

[BALL THUMPS]

[AIR SWOOSHES]

[BALL THUMPS]

[AIR SWOOSHES]

[BALLS THUMP BACK AND FORTH]

[LAUGHS]

Game, point, love, set ... !

[COMICAL SOUND EFFECT]

[CRASHING]

[SPITTING]

- I don't think the diamonds
are on the boat.

- Me neither.

- I don't care
what you two creeps think.

- You know, sometimes I wonder
if it's worth all the trouble.

- Worth all the trouble?

In a few days Fong
is going to run low,

then he's going to start asking
about the new shipment.

So... I think I'll let you
tell him what happened.

Hm? Then you'll see
what's trouble.

- I was only kidding.

- You know, I don't know
how this guy could figure

he could get away with it.

- You saw the dynamite
in his locker?

- Mm-hm.
- That was meant for us, pal.

- Right.

- I bet he was going to stash
the diamonds,

blow the ship up with us on it,

and tip off the cops
about Fong.

Then when everything
was cooled down

he was going to come back here,

pick the stuff up and live
happily and richly ever after.

- [NARRATOR] Great.
He has a map that

doesn't start anyplace,
given to him by a dead man,

and he can't tell anybody
about it because

no one'll listen to him.

[GROWLING]

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

As a matter of information,

this is our hero's
fourth encounter

with the, uh,
lovable Mr. Hodges.

[GRUNTS]

[DISHES CRASHING]

- That - that's him.
That's him!

Get him! Get him.

[GRUNTS]

[HODGES] Just disappeared,
out of nowhere.

- Ah, I see we're having
a picnic.

- No we are not! Oh, I'm sorry,
Mr. Clamson.

No, we-we, in fact,
we are looking for someone.

- Looking for someone?

I hope it isn't some rowdy
or something.

I would hate to stay
at a hotel with a bad element.

- Bad element? Here?
Oh, don't be ridiculous.

- We don't allow anybody
like that in here.

- We make sure
they don't come here.

- In fact, this particular man
happened to be the man ...

the roadrunner that was trying
to get into the hotel earlier.

And if I catch him
I am going to crush his skull.

- And break his arms.
- And legs.

- And shoot him.
- And stab him.

- [MAN 1] And hang him.

- And electrocute him.
- [MAN 2] And gas him.

- Uh, and poison him.
- [MAN 2] Right.

That is, if we ever catch him.

- Oh, we will, we will.
It is only a matter of time.

- I-I wonder, Mr. Hodges,

would you be good enough
to tell me, uh, how much time?

- Confused?

[CHUCKLES]

You're not alone.
There's more. Come.

- I found him. The fisherman!

Yeah. He was at the beach,
just like you said.

[SPRINKER TICKING]

I didn't get too good
a look at him, but...

I know it's him.

He even picked up one
of our shells.

[SPLUTTERS]

[GRUNTS]

[SPLUTTERS]

I know it's the right guy.
I just...

[COMIC SOUND EFFECT]

[♪♪♪]

- You certainly have
some strange friends.

- Very funny. Get lost.
I'll take over.

All right, Studs, what's up?

Okay, you can talk now.

- Yeah, what happened?
You look stoned.

- Come on, say something.
Tell us what happened.

[GASPS]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

- There's something very funny
going on at that hotel,

and you're the one that's
going to find out about it.

- Yeah, thanks a lot.

[GERALD THINKING]
I don't believe it.

A man gets killed
and nobody cares.

That's the whole thing
right there, nobody cares.

I tried to tell the police,
I tried to tell everybody...

even the chambermaid.

Nobody'll listen.

So why should I care?
Well, I'm leavin'.

[PHONE RINGING]

- Hello?

- Hello, Jerry. This is Suzie.

- Oh, hi, Suzie.

- Hi, how are you?.

Oh, I'm fine, thank you.

- Are you doing anything?

- No, I was just, uh,
hanging around.

- Are you planning
on going anywhere?

- Oh, no. No, I had no plans.

I was, you know,
just going to hang around.

- Well, how would you like
to go to SeaWorld?

- SeaWorld?
I-I've never been there.

- Oh, it's a fun place.
It's an amusement park

and you can see animals
and things.

Would you like to go?

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪ CONTINUES]

[SIGHS]
- Oh.

[SIGHS]

I-I think, I think it's...

it's just because
I'm frustrated, that's all.

- It's not too
terribly flattering.

- I don't understand.

- Look... you just don't tell
a woman something like that

just because you're frustrated.

- Something like what?

- Like your little problem.

- Little problem?

I don't think
anything like this

has ever happened
to anybody ever before.

- That's more like it.

- I just can't stop thinking
about it.

- That's beautiful.

- Beautiful?

Nobody'll listen to me.

- I'm listening.
I'm listening.

- That's one in a row.
You're the first one this week.

- The first one this week?

- Well, except for the maid
at the hotel.

[WHISPERING]
- The maid at the hotel.

You know what's really wrong
with you,

Mr. Clamson, you're ...
You're frustrated.

- I just said that.

Yes, I know, but there's,
uh, frustrated,

and then there's...
"frustrated",

and you're just ridiculous!

- Well, it's just that I...

can't get it off of my mind.

- Why don't you try
a cold shower?

- A cold shower?

- Enter Phase 3 of
Ice Pick Sid's ill-fated plan.

These four men are members

of one of the biggest
crime syndicates in the country,

and before his untimely demise,

Sid had made a date with them
to meet him at the hotel,

at which time he would
turn over to them

his packet of diamonds,

uh, smuggled diamonds,
of course,

in return for a large amount
of cash.

These boys knew Sid Valentine
very well,

and were prepared to make this
deal as quickly as possible.

Since Sid had no trouble
double-crossing his own gang,

he certainly wouldn't hesitate
trying it on them.

- He's an evil-looking punk,
ain't he?

- Disgusting.

I say we'll be doin' everybody
a favor knocking him off.

[BABBLING IN GIBBERISH]

- What's with them?
- You tell me. They went looking

for that fisherman
they came back like that.

- And they've been that way
ever since?

- Studs just mumbles

and Gunner does everything
but wag his tail.

- Fong is ready for you
to make a delivery.

- That maniac is liable
to kill me

when he finds out
what's happened.

- Now, wait a minute, Bambi.

- You wait.

Make your own delivery.

- Well take somebody with you.
Somebody from the hotel.

Oh, he'll steam a little,

but, uh, he won't be able
to do anything about it.

Now I'm quite sure
we can find that fisherman.

We know he's at the hotel.

Now, we'll have the diamonds
at Fong's

before he even finds out
they disappeared.

- Where am I gonna find someone
to walk through

SeaWorld with me?
- That's your job.

- Wait a minute.
There is someone.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

There's this old guy
at the hotel who's loaded.

He's a little square.
In fact, he's very square.

- Well, that's perfect.

- You know, I expect a little
something extra for this.

- All right.

You can keep everything
you take the sucker for.

- [BAMBI] It was so nice of
you to come with me.

- Oh, uh. Uh, not at all.

Uh, although I did have,
uh, something I had to do.

- Oh, but there's so many
wonderful things to see here.

- Oh, yes, yes.
Actually I'm aware of that.

I-I-I have been here before,
you know.

- I'll bet you haven't seen
the pearl divers.

- The pearl divers? No, I can't
say that I have, actually.

Uh, no, I have not.

- Well, you'll just love them.
- Yes.

- Oh, they're right over here.

- Oh. Oh, I'd like to see that.

[♪♪♪]

- See, they dive down
and they bring up real pearls.

- Are those really real pearls?

I mean, that they
get out of there?

- Of course.
- What do they do with them

when they take the pearls out?
- Well, you take them in there

and they mount them for you.
- They mount them?

- Come on, I'll show you.
- Sounds terribly interesting.

[♪♪♪]

- I see you have not come alone,
Miss Berman.

- Ah, no. I've come with
my good friend Mr. Clamson.

Mr. Clamson, Mr. Fong.

- How do you do?

- How do you do, Mr. Clamson?

In the words of Confucius,

"A first meeting often bring

new meaning to life's
everyday endeavors".

Uh, long time no see.

[CHUCKLES]

- Of course.

- Is my necklace ready?

- I believe it is.
I'll have to check.

We have been experiencing
some difficulty

in getting our quota
of fine pearls.

I suspect that something

has gone wrong
in our supply department.

- Well, I'm sure
that it's nothing serious.

- I hope not.

Things like that disturb me.

- Uh...
[CLEARS THROAT]

Excuse me, but, uh, you know
what Confucius say

about that, don't you?

- No, I'm afraid I do not.

- Uh, Confucius say, "Cool it".

[LAUGHS]

Oh, I must say that is...

[LAUGHS]

- How quaint.

[COUGHS]

- If you will excuse me,

I shall go see
about your necklace.

[WATER BUBBLING]

Pig! You careless pig!

- I-i-i-it was the plastic.
It's not hot enough.

- Not hot enough!

You passed for inspection,
true?

- I-i-it was an accident.

- You are an accident!

You are also a mistake.

You blundering idiot!

Your incompetence could ruin
everything.

[GRUNTS]

- No! No! No! No! No! No!

No! No! No! No! No!

[SCREAMS]

- It's just amazing.
Just amazing.

It's hard to believe.

- Oh!

[SPEAKING IN CHINESE]

- Is hot enough now?

[LAUGHS]

- It's like witchcraft.
All of this is just witchcraft.

It's-it just,
ceases to amaze me

at how people can make
these magnificent things

out of practically nothing.
They take it out of the water -

[SPEAKING IN CHINESE]

- Here you are.
I hope you like it.

- Oh, it's divine.
Just divine.

- My word. You must have an
awful lot of clams back there.

- As I said before,
we are running rather low.

I hope somebody will do
something about it soon.

- Oh, yes. Well, so do I.

- Ah, good day, Mr. Clamson.

Perhaps you can
come back again.

- Oh, uh, yes.

Uh, on the contrary,
as a matter of fact,

I'll certainly look forward
to seeing you,

uh, y-you again,
uh, Mr. Fong.

You have been more than,
uh, than, ah...

I'll just, uh... until ...Adieu.

- [NARRATOR]
Now this is interesting.

The map doesn't show
where to start,

but why not start here.
It's as good a place as any.

Of course, our hero was getting
so frustrated at this point,

that it's surprising
that he even went on at all.

But as you can see,
he bravely pushes on.

[CRASHING]

[GERALD YELLING]

- That's him! That's him!
Get him!

Do something! Anything!

Uh-uhhhh!

Never before me.

That's ... That's im ...
That's imp-p-p ...

I-I-don't ... That's imp ...
[GIBBERING]

That's im ...
[POPPING NOISE]

[PANTING]

That's impossible.

H-h-he's dead. I che ...
I-I checked him.

I checked him.
O-o-or was it Hong Kong?

No, it wasn't Hong ...
It wasn't Hong Kong.

Uh, the Studs, with the...
I took the, I took the ...

We shot, we, with the grenade.
He ... Oh, Chicago...

I know he... Hmm,
h-he's got to be ...

He's gotta be d-d-dead. I know,
what with the hole, I took ...

[WHISTLES]

We shot, with the hole,
with the hole ...

[DESCENDS INTO GIBBERISH]

- Ha-ha!

- I hope you have
a good explanation for this,

you bungling idiot!
- Uh, you see, we were looking

for somebody ...
- I may have to talk to your

superiors about this.
- Oh, I want to tell you,

I meant no harm. You see ...
- Then just get out of there,

and make it fast.
- Fast, make it fast, we will,

Yes sir. I'd like to
apologize ...

- Just beat it, stupid.
- Oh, b-beat it, stu ... ?

Oh, stupid!
[LAUGHS]

Don't just stand there,
stupid, beat it.

- What did they want?

- Huh?

- What did they want?

- Oh.

Me, I'm afraid.

- Did you do something wrong?

- Oh, no, not really.
It-it was an accident.

You see, uh...

Oh, what's the use.

- You, uh, you sound
a little disturbed.

- Disturbed?
I think I'm going crazy.

- Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Webster.

- Mr. Webster. How do you do?
My name is Clamson.

- What, uh, seems to be
the trouble?

- [SIGHS]
Trouble? Oh.

Well, if I told you,
you wouldn't listen.

- I might surprise you.

Listening to people's troubles
is part of my business.

- Oh, really?
W-What do you do?

- I'm with the government.

In a particular branch
of the government

that specializes in trouble.

- Oh, yeah?
What branch is that?

- I'm with the FBI.

- Huh?!?
- I'm with the FBI.

- Are you serious?

- I wouldn't kid
about a thing like that.

- Oh, well, then you would
listen to my problem, huh?

- If you think there's anything
I can do about it,

of course I will.

- Well, if you couldn't do
anything about it, who could?

- Okay, then let's have it.

- Okay. Oh, if you knew
what I've been ...

All right, let me start
at the beginning.

It was about three days ago.
Or four days ... well,

I've lost all track of time.

And, uh, I was down
at the beach fishing,

this one morning, see?

And I threw out my line
and I let it go,

and then I caught this thing.

And this was some thing.

I never had a catch
like this in my life...

But it bled from its hook hurt.

And, uh, this was a dying,
dead, hurting hook.

But the machine gun,
that did it.

So I ran out of there
and I found this hotel.

[WHISTLE SOUND EFFECT]

Oh, where was I?
- You found the hotel.

- Oh, yeah, that's right.

Well, ever since then
I've been trying to find

somebody to help me,
but no one will listen to me.

You know, I've been following
the stupid map and ...

- Yes, what is it?

- [MAN]
We've been looking for you.

- Trouble at the White House?

- Yeah, you might say that.

- Never a moment's peace
for the President.

- [GERALD]
You know the President?

- Young man, I am the President.

What is it this time,
the Secretary of State?

Can't let him out
of my sight for a minute.

- Come along, we'll,
uh, drive you.

- I'll get my coat.

- No, I have your jacket
in the car.

- Splendid, splendid.
And phone ahead,

I want a full cabinet meeting
at 6.00.

- Sure.
- And by the way,

tell General Grant to send some
of those good cigars of his.

And call my wife. Oh, we're
gonna have a BBQ on Saturday.

[DISBELIEVING MOANING]

[mumbles incoherently

- Hello, hello, hello.

Send up some help,
send up some help.

[CHUCKLES]

[WAILS WITH FRUSTRATION]

[MUMBLING GIBBERISH]

- Thor.

[MUMBLING GIBBERISH]

[WHISTLING AND PANTING]

Because I no, you see what,
I was ...

- Rex! Will you be
a little more specific?

It's impossible.
Absolutely impossible!

He's dead and he's lying
on the bottom of the ocean.

Will you get that through
that thick skull of yours?

What you think you saw
and what you saw

are two different things,
as usual.

Okay, okay. I'll be over.

But something's gonna have
to happen.

I just got a call from Fong.

Do I have to say anything more?

We're in trouble
if we don't come up

with something right now.

- Relax, honey,
everything will be all right.

- Honey?

- Do you mind?

- No. No, on the contrary.

As a matter of fact, I like it.

Makes me feel good.

- You are good.

And you're nice.

You're, uh...

You're...

nice.

[CLEARING THROAT]

- Well...

I couldn't be very nice, uh...

allowing a lady to stand
and I'm sitting.

Here, you sit down.

Y-you know what I don't
understand, Suzie?

I mean, I cannot honestly
understand...

I mean, why you feel that way?

- Why?

Why do you say that?

- I don't know. It's just that,

uh, I've been such
a mixed-up mess since we met.

- I know.

And that's kind of flattering...

actually.

- Oh, well, I have
to be honest. It-it ...

It all hasn't been
on account of you, you know?

- That's okay. I mean,
if I've made just

a little mess out of you
I'm satisfied.

[SIGHS]

- Oh, that you have.
That you have.

- Good.

Then I'll do my best
to straighten you out.

- I'd appreciate it.
[CLEARS THROAT]

- Now, about your problem.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Yeah. My problem. Well...

first of all...

I think I should make us
a drink first.

- Wait a minute.

Jerry!
Why don't you sit down

and start talking,
and I'll fix us the drinks.

- Well, it would be
more gentlemanly

if you sat down and ...

- Jerry, sit. I'll, drinks.

- Yeah. Me, talking. How.

I caught a frogman.

I mean, a real frogman.

A-a-a long,
tall, living man frog.

And it was in a-a black
rubber suit,

and I pulled him up
on the beach, see.

And, now, I try to help him,

and I lift him up
and he's hurt.

There's blood all over him
and everything.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I'll get it. Like I say,

there's blood all over him
and everything.

[♪♪♪]

I'm sorry. We already gave.

Hey, what's the meaning
of this?

Yeah.

Hey, uh...

What's this all about?

- Relax, Ice Pick. I'm Moxie,
these are my friends.

- That right? We're his friends.

- Yeah, well you got
the wrong room.

So beat it.

- Easy, kid.

What are you trying to pull?

- I smell a double-cross.

- Me too.

- You wouldn't be trying
something like that,

would you, Ice Pick?

- Ice Pick?

I don't know
what you're talking about.

- Say you. You looking
for some trouble?

- [MOXIE] Look kid,
trouble we don't need,

and I'm sure
trouble you don't want.

Now, let's sit down
peaceable-like,

and just have a talk.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- Th-there must, there must be
some misunderstanding

or something, uh, gentlemen.

Apparently y-you, uh,

you mistake me
for somebody else.

- Where's the picture?

- In your pocket.

- Don't look like somebody else
to me.

- It doesn't look like someone
else to me too.

- There's no doubt about it.

- Right. Same beady eyes
and funny nose.

- I don't have beady nose.

- Eyes!

- Oh, yeah. Right, eyes.

Uh, hey, will you guys tell me
what you want?

- Diamonds, pal.
That's what we want, remember?

- Diamonds? The diamonds?
Oh, the hidden diamonds.

- Hey, that was good.

You remembered real fast.
Where are they?

- I don't know.

- What do you mean?

- What do you mean,
what do I mean?

- You don't mean you got
a better offer, do you?

- You don't mean you sold them
to somebody else, do you?

- Of course not.

I just don't know
where they are.

- Try a little harder.

- Try a little harder,
yeah. Well...

- Yeah, maybe it'll come back
to you.

- Yeah, well. I'm really
trying hard now.

Uh... I can't talk
with the air going ...

Yeah, oh, I know, I know.
Oh, yeah.

Okay. All right, fellas.

All right. It, uh...
I was kidding. That's it.

I was ... you know ...
I know when I've had it.

- Yeah, we heard you
was kind of a joker.

- Yeah, yeah,
I get my kicks that way.

I love practical jokes.
Kidding around all the time.

- Well, let's not kid around
anymore.

It makes me nervous.

- It makes you nervous? Yeah.
Well, you know the best thing

for nervous is, like,
to relax. Yeah, to relax.

And the best thing in the world
for relaxing is, like, a drink.

Why don't you let me
get you a drink,

and we'll sit and talk
and relax.

And then we'll talk about
the diamonds, you know.

'Cause I've got 'em,
uh, stitched.

- Stitched? You mean stashed?

- Yeah, that's what I said,
stashed, right?

- He say stashed.

[YELLING]

- All right, get the drinks.

- Get the drinks, yeah.
They're right there.

I mean, I'm not gonna be far.

I'm sure you won't miss me,
'cause it's a quick...

I'm, uh, just gonna go over
there where,

uh, excuse me, the drinks are.

They're in the drink place.

And I'll get us all

good, cool, clear drinkings.

- What's happening?
What's this all about?

- I can't tell you now.

You just gotta go and get help.

[LOUDLY] Uh, yes, sir,
diamonds, diamonds,

yes, they are beautiful.

They certainly are.
Ha. Oh, diamonds!

[WHISPERING] You gotta go and
get help. Go out the window.

Get the army, the navy.
Please, anybody.

Just get help.

- Jerry, what's this all about?

- I can't tell you now.

I-it's about the frogman
and all that.

[LOUDLY] Yes, diamonds!
The most beautiful gems.

Ha-ha-ha. Love ya!

Worried for a while
you guys wouldn't show up.

Now be careful, and don't
get hurt. All right?

[♪♪♪]

[YELLING]
I love you!

Uh, I-I love diamonds.

That's what you heard me
singing.

♪ I love diamonds ♪

Oh, here's your drinks.
I made two.

I'll get two more, right?
- Never mind, two will be fine.

Now, bring out the stones.

- Huh?
- Stones!

Oh, yeah, sure. Ah...

[CLEARS THROAT]

Stones. Uh, yeah.

How do I know, uh,
you're the right guys?

I mean, how do I know
you're not another mob?

Huh?
- What? You were expecting

somebody from another mob?

- Oh, no, no.
That's not what I meant.

I was just check ...
- Look!

- Yeah?

- We made a deal on the phone.

I said I'd be here
with the money and here I am.

Now bring out the rocks
before I lose my cool!

- That's fair.

Uh, you know, that makes sense.

It's hard to argue.

Yeah, a deal is a deal.
Right.

Well, then, uh,
you got the money?

I mean, a deal is a deal,
that's all I'm saying.

I'll get the rocks, the stones,

whatever you want to call it,
but I only wanna know,

do you got the money?

You don't have to worry,
he's got it.

You see, he's worried
about the money...

Oh, you're with him.

- Excuse me, gentlemen,
excuse me.

- Susan!

- Aren't you going
to introduce me

to your friends, dear?
- Who's that?

- Yeah. Who are you, lady?

- You'll find out in a minute.

- Uh, Suzie,
i-is everything all right?

- It certainly is.

The place is surrounded.

- Hey, what's going on here?

- You're not deaf,
you heard the lady.

The place is surrounded.
You heard what she said.

- Surrounded?
- Right.

- 300 armed men.

- 300 armed men.

You heard.
So how do you like that,

you crummy robbers?
Three hundred. Surrounded.

- So you might as well
just give up.

- Yeah, you might as well
give up.

Your gun-slinging days
are over.

You've had it.
You might as well kick it.

No more, "crime doesn't pay"
and all of that jazz.

They're all surrounded,
and you're gonna get it now.

Uh, the electric chair
is the next stop.

- 300 armed men?

- Yeah, that's what she said.
300! 300, you said, sweetheart?

- That's right. And they're
all over the place.

- Who'd you get, lady?

- Uh, tell him who you got,
sweetheart.

- The FBI.

- Ha-ha! Okay?
How's that grab ya?

That's not penny ante stuff.

That's not I-local cops.

That's, those are big.
That's big Mamu.

That's the Feds. Right?

That's Folsom and Levenworth
and The Rock, with the water,

you can't jump, you'll be dead.

And they take you in
and it's solitary...

[CHUCKLES]
And the FBI is always ...

Ain't they the best?

- Right.

- You said the FBI, yeah.

Now, uh, it was? Yeah.

And when they, they

ram those rods in
and shove 'em...

You said the ...
You called them up, right?

- No. I didn't have to.
One of their agents,

in fact, the head
of the entire FBI

was right outside the hotel.

- The... Oh, oh, oh, oh.
You bumped into him?

- Right in.

[CHUCKLES]

- She walked out of the hotel
and bumped right into ...

[GROWLS]

- Did he say he was
the head of...?

- He said more than that.

He said he was
the President's right arm.

[GROANS AND CHUCKLES]

- Did he have a little black
mustache?

- Uh-huh.
You know something?

If you don't believe me,

I'll prove it to you, because
he's right outside the door.

- Yeah, well go get him.
Here, take yours. And that.

He's right outside the door.

You'll see him in a second.

H-he's the bigshot.

He's the same...

- Right this way.

- All right, guns on the table.

Up against the wall.

[SHOUTING AND SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

- Hey, ain't that the nut

those guys took away
this afternoon?

- I'm going to kill him!

Shoot him! Oh.

- That's the nut.

Stop those men!
They're Russian spies!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪ CONTINUES]

- He's dead all right,

but we think he passed
the diamonds

or maybe a map
of where they are

to some fisherman
who's over at the hotel.

- You blundering fool!

- Well, how did I know
he was a thief?

- You should have check him.

- I checked him in Hong ...

- There was no way of knowing.

- I suspect him
from the beginning.

Those beady little eyes
and that funny nose.

Well, what are you going to do?

- Well, I'm going to the hotel
and find the fisherman.

I got a description of him.

- You better find him.

I am impatient man.

- Yeah, b-b-because, uh,
because w-w-we may ...

W-we may run,
we may run into...

We, Thor and I, we may get,
uh, Well, well, well, well ...

we may run
into s-s-somebody else too.

- What is that supposed to mean?

- Don't listen to him.

He's been seeing things lately.

[BARKING]
- I could have b-b-been mis ...

B-b-been m-m-m-mistaken ...

I-I-I didn't ...
[SPLUTTERS]

I didn't see, no, he,
no, he, we could've, we-we ...

[STAMMERS]

Well we could have... I-I-I-I
haven't, I haven't s-s-s ...

Well, maybe I-I-I didn't
s-s-see anybody ...

C-could be a m-mistake.
Mistake, mistake.

[♪♪♪]

- Honestly, honey. I don't know
what this thing is all about.

But whoever
these guys think I am

was pretty short on friends.

What are we gonna do now?

- I think we might get
some help in the park.

Come on.

- Stay very still, pal.

- Im... P-p-p-p-possible.

- I don't know how you did it,

but you ain't gonna
do it again,

cause I'm going to fill you
so full of holes

they're gonna use you
for a fly swatter.

- Well, I'd like to explain ...

- Shut up!
Check him, Rex.

- O-o-o-o-okay.

- Not that way, stupid.
See if he's armed.

O-okay, you got it.

- Uh, you guys better realize

you're not gonna
get away with this.

Uh, there's help on the way

and it's not gonna be the FBI.

- He's-he's-he's okay.

- Wait till you see how happy
Fong'll be to see you.

- Fong...?

Oh, you mean, Fong,
with the pearls?

- Will you stop
with the dumb act?

You've had it.

- Had it.

- Now start moving.
- M-move.

- Start walking.
- Oh, well.

- And don't try anything.
- No, I won't.

But, uh, I'd like to...

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪ CONTINUES]

[♪♪♪ CONTINUES]

[SCREAMING]

- Manager!

- It was an accident, lady.
He's gone.

- I should get the police.
I've never been so

insulted in all my life. It's
a shame that a lady

can't be seen around
in the streets anymore.

You're just not safe.

- Hey, take it easy,
will you, lady?

- He can't be far away.
- Yeah. Look,

you go that way
and I'll go this way.

Oh! Not that way, stupid.

Oh! A gun!

[STAMMERS AND SCREAMS]

[♪♪♪]

[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

[BOTH CHANTING]

[YELLS]

[♪♪♪]

[DISTANT CHANTING]

[CALLS INDISTINCTLY]

[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

Deck the halls with...

[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

[ALL CHANTING]

- Hey! Hey! Hey! Boss!
It's-it's him!

[WHISTLES]

Thor! It's, that's,
that's the guy. Mmm.

[ALL CHANTING]

- How come you slipped?

- That's the guy.
That's the guy over there.

- What? What?
- It's him. The guy.

- What are you trying to say?
- Him, look!

[CHANTING INDISTINCTLY]

- There he goes!

[ALL SHOUTING]

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪ CONTINUES]

- Welcome, honorable countryman.

- Oh, well I didn't,
you see, ah ...

[CHINESE ACCENT] Oh,
uh, oh, thank you, thank you.

Yes, uh, man who have honor
and live in country would then,

of course,
be honorable countryman.

[LAUGHS]

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

[SPEAKING GIBBERISH]

- Well, then, perhaps
I can show you something?

- Oh. Oh, thank you very much,

but, uh, did not come
for something,

came in to just smell
your incense.

[SNIFFS]

Very tasty. But do have to,
uh, run along.

Have many things to do,

so, uh, must go to do same,

and have to run along. Oh.

- Old Chinese proverb say

"A man who hurry
often pass opportunity."

- Oh, yes.
Oh, beautiful proverb.

Also Chinese proverb say,

"Man who hang around,
often get hung up."

[CHUCKLES]

[YELLS GIBBERISH]

Man fall in pool! Drowning!

- What you do here?

THOR:
Something's gone wrong.

[SPEAKING CHINESE]

What you want?

- Valentine's double-crossed us.

He kept the packet of diamonds.

- What?

Where is he?

- Oh, he's around somewhere,
dressed like a kabuki dancer.

- Kabuki?!

[YELLS IN CHINESE]

[♪♪♪]

[FONG] Confucius say,

"Man who crawl
get nowhere fast."

- Oh...

Oh, you want
to play rough, huh?

Okay, you want to play rough,
I'll...

Play rough.

[SIGHS]

Oh, well. Yeah.

Oh, well, could I ... ?

You know what?
You know where I think

you might have got sore, ah,
from, when I caught the ah ...

See, I was only ...

I wait to fish...
Oh, I'm sorry... Oh, er ...

And in here, yeah.

If I could just, er,
ex-explain, uh,

w-what happened.

Uh, i-it's very,
very simple matter.

You see, but if I detect
hostility in people,

then I-I tend to submerge
my inner emotional structure.

Now, to expound
on what I feel in my heart,

if you push me around ...

[♪♪♪]

- Where are diamonds?!
- The what?

- The diamonds!
Where are they?

- Everybody keeps asking me
about diamonds!

And I gotta tell you the truth,

I-I hear yardarm and hotel,

a-and I don't know nothing
about anything ...

- I do not need to remind you
what that is.

- Uh, it looks like
hot bromo. Hot bromo.

- Hot bromo.
- Well, it was a gag.

Look, let me explain ...
- Throw him in!

- Throw him in!
- No, no!

All right, all right, all right.
Don't. Just...

You want the diamonds?
Put me down. Okay.

- Put...
- Put him down.

- Just put ... Ooh.
Just put ... Okay.

I-I-I know when, I know
when I've had it. Here.

I'll tell you the whole
story and the truth. See this?

I'm not ...
I know you didn't realize,

I'm not really a kabuki dancer.

It's, uh, it's a disguise, see.

And this is not ...
Here, this is my real ...

And, uh, here ... See this,
it's all make-believe.

I'm not anything
that I-I made out to be,

and, uh, it was ...
I fooled everybody.

- Oh, yes, you clever.
- When I dressed up that way,

see?

[BOXES CRASHING]

- Let's throw him in!

- All right, all right,
all right! All right,

I-I got the-the
diamonds at the hotel.

- Ah?
- A-and I'll go over there

and I'll get 'em for you.
- Oh, no, no, no.

We go with you.
- Yeah, we'll go with you.

- Yeah, fine.
I-I-I think it's marvelous,

'cause I-I don't like
to be alone.

- [THOR] I'll help you.

- I-I appreciate it.
And, uh, by the way,

all... all of the clothes there,
that I took off...

[WATER BUBBLING]

- What do..?
- I-I-I think, I th ...

Er, I-I-I think, I-I th ...
Er, he left.

- He left.

[BOTH] He left!

[♪♪♪]

- Come on!

Come on, stupid,
shoot him, not me!

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪ CONTINUES]

[♪♪♪ CONTINUES]

[MIMING SPEECH]

[♪♪♪ CONTINUES]

- Oh. It appears that Jerry
and Suzie are safe now,

and can relax.

No chance.

[♪♪♪]

- This is where it all started.

- You mean, the problem?

The thing you've been
trying to tell me?

The thing
that's kept us running

until there's no place
to run anymore?

And chased by half
the population.

Jerry, I'm listening.

- Oh, well. Well, yeah, honey.

Uh, th-this is where
it all started.

I mean, that morning,
you know, when I was fishing,

but, I mean, that's not really
a problem anymore,

because, actually
if it wasn't for that,

I mean, I-I wouldn't have
met you, and...

you know?

- I know.

- A-and, if it wasn't
for that problem,

we wouldn't be standing here

together on the beach...
alone.

- Mm-hm.

- I mean, uh...

standing on the beach.

Just the two of us.

[♪♪♪]

- Just the two of us.

- Alone.

[SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

- Oh...
- What's wrong?

- Oh, we're-we're not ...

W-we're not completely alone.

- What do you mean?
- Our friends.

Our friends
are joining us again.

Oh! Oh!

[♪♪♪]

Ooh!

- Uh, ah, any luck?

- That's Sid Valentine!

- Oh! Oh!

- Get him!

[YELLING]

[♪♪♪]

- Suzie, I-like I was trying
to explain before...

- I'm still listening, Jerry.

[SIGHS]

- Never mind.

It wasn't important.

- I told you it was incredible.

And true.

Well, do I look like a man
that would lie?

But, true or false,

movies are still
your best entertainment.

[LAUGHS CRAZILY]

[♪♪♪]

[YELLS]

[♪♪♪]