All language subtitles for Patsy (1964)

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The death of Wally Brandford,

famous comedian, killed
in an Alaskan plane crash,

has left Hollywood in a state of shock.

This reporter talked
with Wally Brandford's

long-time friend and producer,
Mr Caryl Fergusson,

in his office suite atop
the Beverly Hilton Hotel.

Mr Fergusson informed this reporter
that in the absence of living relatives,

funeral arrangements
are being made by his staff.

Where's that boy with the ice?
What's with the service?

Well, I guess I'll just have to struggle
along without any.

Fergy, are you saying that Wally
didn't leave us anything?

Right.

I gave a lot of years
to end up with nothing.

Oh, I suppose you call
that little house in Malibu

that Wally gave you "nothing".

You know what I mean.

Well, I don't know what you mean.

Wally did give you
that house in Malibu.

He gave Ellen a trip
to Europe every year,

he gave me that property
in Palm Springs.

Why, everybody in this room
was well taken care of...

...before he ever got on that plane.

OK, OK.

So, what do we do now?

We do what we've always done,
except we do it for somebody else.

What else can we do?

I'll probably wind up as
a public relations man for some

up-and-coming rock 'n' roll singer.

And I'll write jokes
for a hillbilly television show.

And I'll produce for somebody,

and Ellen will write letters
for some other somebody.

All seems like such a terrible waste.

I don't know.

I've been watching
this little scene here,

and I can't help myself.

To me, it has all the makings
of a real melodrama.

A great man passes on,
leaves behind him his expert staff.

What's going to happen?

Are they going to split up?

Each one goes his own little ways,

looks for a new subject
for his respective talent,

or are they going to stick together
and work and fight as a unit?

Tune in next week.

You know, you sound like a man
with very good questions

but never any answers.

Morgan, it's next week. I'm tuned in.

- On with the show.
- Give me a light.

Maybe I can help you
with another question.

Suppose when you first met Wally,

you would have died in a plane crash.
Then what would have happened?

I suppose he would have gotten
another writer

and taught him all his tricks.

Very good.

What about Ellen?

Well, the same thing, I guess.

You get a gold star.

It's true.

Wally taught me his style
of handling people

until I could do it
as well as he could.

I guess he could have taught anyone
the same thing.

You see?
I don't have to go any further.

This is the position we are in,
each one of us, including me,

except that Wally's gone
and we are here.

What's the answer?

You mean get somebody in his place?

That's right.

You mean get some nobody
and then...

- Correct.
- Teach him everything we know?

- Correct.
- No.

Not what we know.

Teach him everything we've learned.

After all, wasn't it Wally who taught
Chic, Ellen, Harry, myself,

most of what we know
about this business?

Yes. And even you, Morgan.

Although you directed successfully
on Broadway,

Wally taught you
the motion-picture business.

Of course!

Teach somebody.
Why, it's the only thing we can do.

But who?

Wait a minute, Caryl.

Let's have an understanding as to...

...why we're going to do this.

If it's at all feasible.

Are we going to do this
because we're spoiled...

...and used to a comfortable,
well-oiled machine?

Or is it simply because...

...we've been happy
working as a family...

...and we hate the thought
of breaking up?

Ellen, you're right.
You're absolutely right.

But the big question still remains:

Who?

Who?

The bellboy.

I'm...

The... Well, you said, "Who?"
I mean...

See, when I... I had a...
All my clothes were wet,

so I changed my clothes because
when I... That's why I was long.

Should I... Or not?

Just stand?

I'll close the door.

I'll...

I'll...

The key-ring was caught in the door,

but I'll get...
I can rinse all of these out.

But this is not... They...
Very hard to hold because they...

This is a dirty...
See, they're hard to...

Oh, good shot. Do you like...?
Would you like soda or ginger?

This is a...

Looks like a diamond, if I was...

Get the dust off.

If...

Would you like me to...

...put...?

Shall I...?

Why don't I... I can...

What did I do? I was only late
because... You see...

...they called, and when I fell in the...
I had to...

...change.

But was it the door?
Because when I...

The door is only my ring.

I bent my ring.

But the... Should I...
Would you like in the bar?

Or, here, this man could have it. None.

So far. It's not...
It's new ice and it's fresh.

What did I do?

I mean, because it was long?
Is that why you...?

Don't hurt or nothing. I just...

We could re-chill it.

What do you...? You seem
very strangely mad about my ice.

I mean, I'll get you clean,
if you don't want a dirty pot,

but it's a clean...

Hey, wait...
Hey, this is new... This is new ice!

Oh, right from
the diving board, and I...

Up, because I had my rabbit's foot.
And I never thought it was lucky,

because I figured if this was so lucky,
how come the rabbit lost it?

What...?

What is your name, son?

Stanley. My friends call me that too.

Well, I'm Caryl Fergusson.

- I'm very...
- This is Morgan Heywood.

- I certainly...
- That's Bruce Arden.

- It's my...
- This is Chic Wymore,

- and that's Harry Silver.
- I'm very...

- Now, Stanley, just come with me.
- I didn't shake...

But I didn't... I met...

Wait a second.
Is this on account of the ice?

It's just cubes.

I'll get... You can get fresh cu...
Because they weren't damp?

Wait a minute. Why am I getting...?
There's no hitting or...

Hey. What is it?
Did I do a bad thing?

Now, let me ask you a few questions.

- Oh, oh, all right. Yeah.
- Tell me, do you work here?

- Do you like music?
- Have you got a favourite flower?

- What's your favourite dance?
- Do you enjoy what you're doing?

- Well, no, but I...
- How about...?

Wait, fellas, please! Relax, will
you, please, and let me do the talking.

Yeah, let him relax
so I can talk... then.

Stanley.

How much do you make a week?

Here, now? Work...

Well, I get... I have the concession...

In the papers, I have the third,
fourth and fifth floor,

but six and seven is Artie
and Philip and Maurie.

Then I have dogs, I walk dogs.

And I have a special
after-late-hour snack I deliver,

which is also in the pool
with the other bellboys.

We split up at the end of the week.

Then there's cars out to the track.
We used to have the Hertz cars,

but now, since they put them
in the driver's seat,

we don't get the action.
That really hurts.

Then, of course, we pick up extra
dollars and we... Well, there's also tips.

Yeah. Now, we know
that you're very busy, Stanley.

But I mean, in round figures,
how much is that a week?

You mean everything all total?
It's 11 and a half dollars a week.

And that's with golden hours,
time-and-a-half and I worked Saturday

and nine days altogether last week.

- Stanley, my boy.
- Yeah?

How would you like to make
150 dollars each and every week?

- Caryl, Caryl.
- Quiet, Harry, quiet.

I think he's trying to
tell us something.

All right. All right, 175, but that's it.

Calm down. Relax.

Come on, relax.

All that money!

Quiet.

Now, listen.

Besides the 175 bucks each week,
there'll be lots of extras.

- Yeah?
- All the beautiful dames you'll be with.

Sharp cars.

Night spots. We pay all expenses.

Wine, women and song
all the way, kid.

- Yeah!
- How does it sound?

Yes! But wait. Wait.

What do I have to...?
Could I ask...?

Do you...? Lady?

Do I just hang around or do...?

For all of that, could you just...?
I'd like someone to...

What do I have...?
Is there anything I have to do especial?

Is there anything I have...?
Is there...?

I would like for all of that...

Could you...? No one's... I just wanna
know if I'm gonna get anything...

Could...? Would you mention...?
Just tell me what I have to... No.

Oh, could you possibly...?

Now, listen. And listen carefully.

This kid can and will be
whatever we want him to be.

Except if we tip our mitt too early,
we may blow it.

Could someone...?
I just would like to know.

You know, why I'm to know.

Oh, and, Harry, remember,
keep him glued down.

Don't let him get out of your sight,

except when he's working with Chic or
any of the people we get to train him.

Me? To train me?

I'm either gonna be a fighter or a dog.

And they can have both
if they make me a boxer.

Why don't you sit here, Stanley,
next to me.

Oh, well, thank you very much,
but, you know, we haven't met as yet.

- I'm Ellen Betz.
- Oh, I'm glad to know you, Miss Betz.

How do you...? I'm very...
Well, I'm Stanley.

- Do you know what I'm gonna do?
- Yes, I do, Stanley.

- Tell me because I'd like to...
- You mustn't be concerned, Stanley,

because they simply want to
make you a star.

Well, at least, you know,
now I have an answer.

I'm not up in the air
with a mystery in my mind,

because that at least
gives me an answer.

Any time anyone's giving you
more than $100...

Make me a star?

Now, relax, Stanley. Stanley, please.

Relax. I'll just...
I'll just try and explain it all.

Stanley, please.

I stop... You said...
I'm some... I don't, from the money...

- Stanley.
- And I knew... I had a... I'm so...

- I'm just...
- All right, Stanley.

Oh, yes, sir.

She told me I was gonna be a star,
and it scared...

- Now, look, Stanley.
- Yeah, whatever you should say.

- We know all we need to know.
- Yeah.

And all you need to find out

- is what we tell you.
- Oh, wait a minute, Mr Fenelson...

Fergusson. Just what you tell me?
If it's dishonest or bad, I break out.

I don't... There's no lying and cheating.

You get another person
if it's bad things.

Stanley...

Do we look dishonest?

Well...

No, I guess you're all OK.

Yeah, because the...
I always say that the eyes

are the windows of the soul,
and if shades are up, then...

So I'll do whatever you want
because I'm your boy.

What's the first assignment?
What do...? I'll make me a star.

A do-it-yourself famous.

Bruce Arden, valet to the stars.
How are you, baby?

Long time, no see.
Where you been hiding?

Deliveries in the rear, kid.
Love you.

So, what do you need? We've got all
kinds of new imports, Italian, French...

This is Stanley.

He's a friend. Stanley,
this is Sy Devore, clothier to the stars.

Give me five, baby.
Sorry, any friend of Bruce's

- is a friend of mine.
- Sy, cool it. We got business.

Go, baby, go.
Business is my business.

I've been telling Stanley how you outfit
all the big names of Hollywood.

True. Tab, Rock, Rip.
Name them, we've got them.

That's wonderful.

- What can you do for Stanley?
- Could you help me be good?

What does he need?
Shirts? Shorts? What?

Sy, the works.
You're looking at a future star.

You're kidding.

Regardless, I want the whole
shooting match. Suit, tux, everything.

Anything you say.

- Let's start with a style.
- Yeah.

Now, who's your favourite star, kid?

I like Hayley Mills a lot.

Good. We'll start with purple capris.

Stanley. He means who's your favourite
male movie star?

I love George Raft.

George Raft. Perfect.

We've got him. Made his first suit.
Come on, baby.

Oh, then I'll go with them.

Here, try this on. It's identical to one
I made for George Raft.

Oh, yeah?

Now, that's you.

Son of a gun. It makes me look ju...
That's terrific.

I look just like George Raft.

Nothing to it, kid.
Now I'll get you the rest of the outfit.

Wait a minute. You better not.
I think I'm going somewhere.

No. No. No, I'm not.

Oh, that's the real George Raft.
Did you see him?

- That wasn't me in the mirror...
- OK. OK, kid.

- He comes in here all the time.
- Oh, I never saw it.

- It's a real movie thing.
- Look, do you want me

- to get you the rest of the outfit now?
- Yeah...

Sy, forget the stock suit
and trying how it feels and all that.

- Let's get right to the fitting.
- OK, baby. Follow me.

To the fitting. If I can look like George,
I'd like to look like any movie star.

Not one of them... I mean... Who else
comes in besides George Raft?

The four weeks was worth it, kid.
This is you.

What, do you expect another fella?

You look splendid, Stanley.
How does it feel?

Tight. Very tight. It's good-looking
and all that, but it's a very tight...

That's not important.

Now, the next major move is
to get you looking and feeling

just like any other ordinary, everyday,
run-of-the-mill, famous, rich star.

- No, I just wanna feel...
- Now, leave it to me.

When it comes to materials
and performing,

we'll leave that to your stage mothers.

But for proper attire and appearance,
Bruce will call the shots.

- Come with me.
- I'm going to the barber shop. OK.

Hugh, are we next?

You're next, Mr Arden.

Oh, wait. I can do it. Wait, I...

I'm fine.
I tell you, I can do it myself.

Oh, this is wonderful.

You wait four weeks
for a tailor-made suit,

and in the same store,
there's a heist,

so you gotta now go
and get another suit made.

No wonder he's making
so much money in the store.

- You're next, Stanley.
- What, for another fitting?

No, no. The barber's waiting.

Oh, yeah. I forgot.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

If you can just pull it...

Thanks.

Oh, thank you.

That's a little tight.

I'm... I'm ticklish.

No. No. No. No. No.
Just no.

No, I just don't... I don't...

That's my sock.

That's the shoe.

It's the mate...

I feel like Cinderella.

Oh, thank you very much.

Be careful, sir.
Your nails are still wet.

Perfect. Perfect.

Maybe he could get it weaved.

This way, folks.

Young man, would you mind,
please, closing those doors?

- Oh, these.
- Close them together.

Oh, all right.

- They scooted...
- Stanley!

Please be careful.

Young man, that vase
is worth $7,000.

If you had broken it, that's exactly the
amount you would have had to pay...

...plus your life.

Stanley...

...this is Professor Mueller.

I must tell you, Stanley,
that besides being

one of the world's most
renowned voice teachers,

Professor Mueller is also a collector
of priceless antiques.

Gee, that's very good. I had antique
flies and a butter... Bugs and but...

- I had one bird, was 100 and...
- Wonderful.

Now, if you will sit down, we will
discuss your forthcoming lessons.

Yeah, I would just like
to talk about...

If you don't mind,
I won't be staying, Professor.

I have several things to do.

Well, of course,
but if you can see your way clear,

do come back when you are finished
and have some tea.

Thank you, Professor, we'll see.
And, oh, Professor,

please be patient with Stanley.

He's really very shy.

Don't worry your pretty little head
about that, Ellen.

Me and music
always relaxes everyone.

Thank you. Goodbye, professor.

That's a chair.

I caught it when it almost...

Mr Fergusson's instructions to me
were to teach you to sing.

Have you any idea why?

Oh, yeah. Next week,
I'm supposed to record a record.

Next week!

You expect me to teach you
to sing in one week?

Well, I already know a lot
from in the shower, see, I sing...

That's very interesting.
Have you got maybe a sample?

Oh, yeah, I can give you a...

- A sample.
- Yeah.

Louder.

You got maybe another one?

- Inside you is maybe one more.
- Oh, I can squeal.

Maybe possibly one little one more?

No, what you need is noise,
more diaphragmatic breathing.

With greater volume
from the chest, like this.

That was very good,
your singing.

- Is that all? There's no more?
- Now, listen.

Try this.

That's a good note.

Hold it!

Hold it! Hold it!

Give me more of that...
More of that, then give me that.

Come on, Stanley.
Come on, Stanley.

Stanley, this is the A and R man
of Poverty Records, Mayo Sloan.

Oh, how do you do?

I said how do you do.

Speak up, son! My name's Sloan.
What's yours?

- Stanley.
- It's a pleasure, Handley.

No, it's Stanley.

No! It's Sloan, Manley!
Mayo Sloan!

He's a little hard of hearing.

Mayo is known as a "hit maker"!

He made a hit record
with The Four Rats called

You Broke My Heart When
You Broke My Comb.

Oh, then he must be very smart.

Art? I thought your name was Manley!

He also made Rotten Romance
with The Six Slobs!

Well, then he knows music
very good.

I got a natural ear for it.

Well, you're very grateful.

Go ahead, let's go out in the studio
and let's get started.

Hold it!

Hold it. Hold it.

All right, here's the tempo.

Let's try it once from the start.
Here we go.

- One. Two.
- Hold it!

Louie, the kid's coming out.
We'll do it with him.

- Are you Stanley?
- Well, after that, I'm not too sure.

Let's try it from the top, Stanley.

OK, boys, here's the tempo.

One, two.

Hold it! Hold it!

Louie, I need more voice from the trio.

One, two.

You think he'll be all right?

- That's just what I was gonna ask.
- Just fine.

All he has to do on this Teenage
Dance Time show is mouth his record.

He just has to mouth the record.

We had no choice anyway.
The record's been out one week,

and already it's pushing
for number one spot.

- You sure that's the right channel?
- That's it, Caryl.

Don't you see the show is on already?
Can't you see the kids dancing?

They're moving up and down, Caryl.

Look kind of cute, don't they?

I'm sorry.
They were playing our tune.

Oh, Stanley, you're too much.

Oh, yeah, I like to do that.

You really like the simple things,
don't you?

Oh, yeah, of course.
The hard ones always give me trouble.

- Stanley, I checked with the booth.
- Yeah.

And they're going to play
this final dance number for the kids,

- and then you're on.
- Oh, I'm glad.

Ellen, did you ever think back...?

I mean, did you ever try
to go back in your memory

and think back about something
that happened a long time ago?

- Well, certainly, Stanley.
- Yeah.

Especially the tender, nice things.

Yeah.

The things we wish would still prevail.

But since they don't, we try
to bring them back by reminiscing.

Yeah, I was gonna say that too.

Yeah, well, I do that a lot.

I always do that.

But sometimes they're not nice,
what you're reminiscing.

Then why do you try
to remember them?

Oh, I don't try, the bad parts.

I mean... I didn't mean...

I mean, I'm watching the kids dancing
and hugging, and it was nice to see.

And I couldn't help but think
about a night a long, long time ago

and with a girl
that you remind me of.

Well, maybe it wasn't
a good memory...

...but it felt good
talking about it anyhow.

Of course it was good.

The sweet things
and the good things

aren't always the things
that make us better people.

I think the heartaches,
the unpleasant things...

...even the heavy burdens
we've had placed upon us

make us stronger in the long run.

Oh, yes, it's nice to have
pretty memories.

And our hearts are happier
when pain doesn't exist.

But bad is a test.

If we can carry on
after a bad thing happens...

...then we've grown up some.

Don't you agree?

You're a nice lady.

I know that.

All right, now it's time for that portion
of our programme that we set aside

for our guest performer.

And today's guest is someone
I know you're all going to enjoy.

Here he is, in person,

the young man with
the number one record in the country,

I Lost My Heart in a Drive-in Movie,
Stanley Belt!

Welcome to Teenage Dance Time,
Stanley.

I always will.

Yes. How does it feel
having the number one...

- Oh, good.
...hit record in the country?

I mean, it's one...
I'm very glad. It's good.

And I wanna thank everyone
that wants to hear it

and everybody that wants to get it.

Because if it wasn't for them,
then only we'd know about it.

Who the devil told him to talk?

Now, take it easy, Caryl.
He's gonna start mouthing in a minute.

His mouth isn't doing too bad
right now.

And I always say buying a record
is like owning a possession.

If it's yours, you can lose it.

Good.

And now, kids, Stanley Belt
will now mouth his newest recording,

I Lost My Heart in a Drive-in Movie.

Picked her up at seven
On Friday night

Kissed her till 11
And held her tight

I lost my heart
In the drive-in

Movie

Say, up there on the big screen
A movie star

While we played a love scene
In my car

I lost my heart
In a drive-in

Movie

Say, I bought her a hamburger
A cheeseburger and tater chips

I wasn't a bit hungry
I just wanted to taste her lips

Gonna try to reach her
Each Friday night

Any double feature
Will suit me right

I lost my heart
In the drive-in

Love played a part
In a drive-in

I lost my heart
In a drive-in

Movie
Yeah, yeah

Right in the movie

In my car

- Hi, Harry.
- Well, Stanley. How are you?

- All right. What's happening?
- You're just in time.

We're gonna start a little game
called the "race for space".

And it concerns you, so sit down.

Oh, yeah, you're gonna
shoot me up in something?

No, no, no. I'm talking about
space in a newspaper.

We gotta get your name
in the newspaper,

- get people talking about you.
- Yeah.

See, in the old days,
we'd have you bathing in champagne

- or committing suicide.
- That sounds wonderful. I love that.

But today you do the same thing
and never have to leave the office.

- You see that red phone over there?
- Yeah.

That is the hotline.

You're calling Khrushchev about me?

Somebody more important
than Khrushchev.

- Who?
- Hedda.

- "Who-dda"?
- Hedda. Hedda Hopper!

But I don't call her, she will call me.

You see, she has the most fantastic
nose for news in the world.

If I were to call her and tell her what a
sensational new discovery I had here,

she'd drop it in a little box
that said "press agents",

and then they get thrown out with
the rest of the trash in the morning.

Instead, I start a little story
around town about you.

Yeah, yeah.

And I let it nourish,

and I let it grow.

And then we sit back and wait
for the red phone to beckon.

Hey, you got a buck?

Yeah, that's all I have left
from rehearsal.

Last time I tried this,

Hedda called in four minutes
and 48 seconds.

Well, I got a buck says
she calls in four minutes flat.

- Bet?
- You got a bet.

Now, Stanley,
just to start the ball rolling...

...where would you go if you wanted
to hear some real hot gossip?

Where would I go if I wanted...?

- Barber shop, beauty parlour?
- Perfect!

Perfect. The centre of American
cultural exchange.

- The beauty parlour.
- Start timing, Stanley.

All right. One.
If I win the buck, it'll be

two, because he put one,
is two...

Three, four, five seconds.
Six seconds.

Seven seconds. And if I lose...

Hello, Harry, what's up?

Listen, I wonder if you'd do me a favour.
We got a young kid here,

and some of the network boys
have been nosing around about him.

They seem to think
he's gonna be a pretty hot item,

but they won't commit themselves,
you know.

I wonder if you could find out for me
what they got in mind for him.

They have a funny kid under contract.

One of the networks wants to build
a whole show around him.

Yeah. Barney, do me a favour,
will you?

See what you can find out about him
and get back to me, will you, sweetie?

Say, why don't we have any dope
on this new kid

that Fergusson has under contract?
"What kid"?

Only the funniest new comic that's
come along in years, that's what kid.

Listen, if Barney wants him,
I want him.

The networks have already signed him.
He's supposed to be the greatest.

I want that kid, Paul.

I know talent when I see it, and
that kid's got it. Now, get him for me.

OK.

Hello?

Yes, this is Harry Silver.

Hedda, what a pleasant surprise. Yes.

What, dear?

A new young comic.

Oh, yes, you must mean Stanley, yes.

Well, he's...

He's young. He's very funny.

He's good-looking.

Yes.

No, really, Hedda.
I think that this kid's

going to have a real big chance
in this crazy old town of ours.

Yes. Well, you must meet him. Yes.

Well, how does anyone
meet anyone, sweetie?

Morgan, Chic, Ellen, I'm here.

And we can let the good times roll.

Well, well, well.

- So glad you could come.
- Thank you.

The guest of honour
has finally arrived.

- Yes.
- Do you know that the party

is only supposed
to last for three hours?

Only three hours.

Oh, yeah, well, OK.
I know I'm late, I'm sorry.

But instead of a lot of "Hello"s,

I'll just throw a couple of
quick "Hi, sweetie"s around.

Will that be all right?

- Well, that would make it faster.
- I see you finally made it.

- I finally made it.
- Now, these newspapermen

- are very important to your career.
- Very important.

- I want you to play it cool.
- I'll play it cool.

I want you to show them how happy
and thrilled you are to meet them.

And I want you to be
extra-specially sweet,

humble and nice, you got it?

Yeah. I'll be just as sweet and humble.

- Well, not too sweet, Stanley.
- No, I wasn't...

These people are used to
the soft sell

and the phony approach
to getting names in the papers.

So if I may suggest,

just be yourself:
Honest and sincere.

Honest and sincere.

He answers everything everyone...

Ellen's right, Harry.
If this kid gets the cutes, we're dead.

- Well, I won't get the cutes.
- Will you all stop worrying?

- Come on, Stanley.
- I won't get the cutes...

Oh, hiya, fellas. Vern, Dick, Joe.

Stanley, this is Vern Scott.

- I'm very...
- Richard Gehman, this is Stanley Belt.

- I'm very...
- Joe Finnegan, Stanley.

- Hi.
- Stanley,

these gentlemen write for
all the newspapers and magazines

- all over the world.
- Oh, yeah.

Sweet. Humble.

- Nice.
- Yeah, I remember.

Oh, you're the Mr Scott
that writes in the...

It's a wonderful, sweet paper,
the way you make your column.

- Too sweet.
- Too swe...

You're Richard Gehman,
that very famous...

And my heart is humble,
the way you write, lovely humble.

- Not that humble.
- Not that...

And Mr Finnegan,
I'd love to have golf.

Maybe one saccharine day
we could have lunch,

you and I, sweetie.
What do you say?

- Too nice.
- Too nice?

Stanley, these are sharp people.

- They know you're putting them on.
- Oh, no...

Relax.

There's Hedda.
She must have just come in.

Stanley.

Did you see that?

I thought it was so darn funny!

Stanley.

Don't worry, fellas, I'll get him.

Stanley, could I see you
for a minute, please? Stanley.

Well, gentlemen...

...here goes the clean-up.

Hey, Hedda, sweetie.

I gotta tell you about this kid.

No, Harry, I'll tell you.

He's the first real funny thing
I've seen around here in ages.

And he's right.
This thing is a horror.

Well, if you say so, Hedda.
It is a pretty funny hat.

You know, this kid had us
believing he was serious.

- I told you he was funny.
- Now, wait a minute, Harry.

And this goes for you too, Fergusson.

You've come across somebody
who hasn't yet learned to be phony.

He thought something and he said it,

which was real and honest.

And now, if you apply
that to his performance,

you've got a great success.

Come on, fellas, lend a hand.

I can't make it on my own
with this stupid umbrella hat.

Was I right?
Was I right?

Am I ever wrong? Isn't that right,
Sydney? Is the kid great?

Is that kid funny? Is that...?

You heard what she said, didn't you?
Don't take my word for it.

Just listen to what Hedda said.

Wonderful! Right.
You bet. Oh, you doll.

Rhonda, darling, how are you,
and how's the picture going?

Oh, fine, fine, thank you.

- How are you?
- Wonderful, wonderful.

Did I have a ball last night
at Cary Grant's.

Stanley Belt was there,
and he's too much.

Oh, yes. I know.

He seems like a very nice guy.

Have you seen him?

Have I seen him?

Sweetie, only his first night in town.

I think it was the Friars CI...

Yes, yes, the Friars affair.

Oh, he was simply hilarious.

Hey, Mel, have you heard
about this new kid, Stanley Belt?

Yeah. You know, I hear he's a gas.

That's a funny thing,
the other night at Chasen's,

everybody was wigging
about the guy.

They say he cuts every comic around.

Good morning, Mr Wynn.

Oh, good morning, Alec.

Say, Mr Wynn, have you heard
anything about this new comedian,

Stanley Belt?

That's all I've been hearing about
for the last four weeks,

but where can anybody see him?

Well, are they hiding him?
Where's he working?

- Beats me.
- Well, I'll tell you what.

If you find out anything,
will you let me know, Alec?

Please do that because I...

I would love to see what I've been
raving about, you know?

- I mean, I wanna do...
- No, no, no, no!

Now, Stanley.

Once more, listen to me.

Please, Stanley, baby.

Listen.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'd like to introduce myself,

but I don't know me either.

I'd like to introduce myself,
but I don't know you...

No! No!

"Me"! It's "me", not "you"! It's "me"!

That's right. "I don't know me". I don't...

I'd like to introduce...
I say...

Introduce. Introduce.

I'd like to intro...
I'm going to intro... I'm...

- Impossible.
- I'd like to be impossible.

No, not you. It's imposs...

- Don't just sit there, Harry.
- I don't like to...

- I need help.
- I'd like to help.

- I need help, do you hear me?
- He needs help.

You're only gonna
get yourself upset.

- You don't wanna upset that boy.
- Good evening, upset.

- Stanley.
- Yeah.

- Stanley, why don't we go...
- Sorry.

...way back down and do the joke
in the routine about the dog?

Oh, you mean about the dog
that chases the cars.

- Yeah!
- Hey! Hey!

How about that!

Oh, yeah, I got a car
that chases dogs.

- No, no...
- Stanley.

It's a dog that chases dogs!

There. Now try it softly.
See how... Try it softly.

- It's not me, it's you! You!
- Harry...

Oh, I'm sorry.

You can't get upset at a time like this.
Calm down.

You should calm down
because I get upset if he's upset.

- Will you relax?
- Yeah.

Stanley. Slower?

- Slower?
- Slower. Yeah, all right.

I...

...got...

...a dog...

...that...

...chases...

Stanley. Not that slow.

Not that slow.
I got a fast car with a big dog.

- No, Stanley.
- No.

You're in your living room
at home, right?

- Yeah.
- And you sit down and you relax.

Isn't that the way
you wrote it, Chic?

Yeah, see. You relax.

You're talking to friends.

And say it like I'm just talking...?

Talking to your friends, that's right.

You know, we got these
new drapes and a new...

I don't believe it!

- I give up.
- You give up?

Well, I give up!

This thing ain't gonna work anyhow.

It's like making a sow's pig
out of a person's ear.

A silk purse out of a sow's ear.

That's exactly right.

And I didn't ask for this.
I had a good job.

And I was very happy.
And you people come along

and you try to make me
something out of what I'm not.

And that's...
And I don't need it.

And I'm not happy,
and everybody else is miserable.

So I quit. And that's final.

And it's over and the end.

I don't want this heartache
and I don't... I'm just finished.

I quit... Want... I don't need...

Hi, Stanley.

Oh, hello, Ellen, you're just in time.
We gotta find us a new boy.

Yeah. With Stanley quitting,

looks like we're gonna have to
find somebody else.

Stanley?

Oh, I might have been a little hasty.

That's OK, Stanley.
Anybody can make a stupid mistake.

All right, then, Stanley, come on, let's
get down here and take it from the top.

- Yeah.
- Ladies and gentlemen,

I would like to... Oh, listen, Ellen,
you'd better get lots of sandwiches.

We're gonna be here
into the wee small hours.

Stanley opens his act
at the Copa in exactly four days.

Let's go, Stanley.
Ladies and gentlemen,

- I'd like to...
- Ladies and gentlemen, I wanna...

About a car that I...
In four... Four... Four days!

Stanley!

ONE NIGHT ONLY
STANLEY BELT

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
I'm Rex Ozgood,

- your master of ceremonies.
- Hooray.

Oh, yeah?

I'd like to present the first in a series
of five theatrical extravaganzas

presented each evening here
at the beautiful Copa Caf�.

The only nightclub in Bussman County
with tables for ladies.

- Good luck to you.
- Oh, thank you very much.

I'd like to present one of the
greatest dancers in show business,

The Four Step Brothers.

Boy, they're murder.

Take me back to Boston.

- They'll eat you alive.
- What a crowd.

And now, folks, I'd like to present
a new find, a young comic

who'll make every laugh you ever had
feel like a tear of sorrow.

Yes, siree, folks. Here he is,

for the first time
at the Copa Caf�, Stanley Belt.

Good evening...
Good evening, friendly folks

and people.

A funny thing
ought to happen now...

Should have... On the way here.

Like my dog chased the car a lot.

Speaking of my uncle, he...

He said I'm a psycho ceramic.

And I said, "Oh?

"What's that?"
And he said, "A crackpot."

My uncle said it.

Then I have an aunt.

I mean, I have a...

And she's very absent-minded.

And one day...

...she had an itch and she poured
syrup down her back

and scratched her waffle.

Don't give me that look, Caryl.

This is not mine, none of it. Honest.

This kid's been reading without me.

Are there any requests?

Yeah! Get off!

I appre... Thank you.

Then I could do a number.

My hit record.

Would anyone like to see that?

Oh, wonderful.

Then I'll do that.

I have this...

Who told him to do that?

I could hum a part of it.

Since you love jokes,

that'd be good, then.

And since the phonograph...

...wasn't good,
then maybe I could...

...remember the song by heart.

It would be better
if I remembered it by mouth.

Well, it goes:

Picked her up at seven
On Friday night

Kissed her till 11
And I held on to her tight

I lost my heart in my car
While I drove it

And there's more like that.

Of that song.

Picked her and I hugged her

Sounds like a bottle opening.

I do noises.

Do you wanna hear more of that song?

Ready.

A blindfold, at least.

Aim.

Don't.

I'll make you more noise.

Fire.

Outside of a little stage fright,

Stanley was great.

Let's say he has possibilities.

Let's say that.

Stanley? Was it stage fright?

Well...

...if you would call...

...a stage about to run
over you a fright... Yeah.

It was a...
A frightened stage scared.

Also amnesia, shock and frostbite.

I could've had that too,
the way I felt.

Look, Chic, the kid
is gonna be all right.

We just found out
something in time, that's all.

Yeah, that we got the wrong guy.

No. We just have to
work harder, that's all.

What do you think, Caryl?

You mean about our boy wonder?

Who else?

Well...

...just between you and me,
it looks pretty bleak.

I know what you mean.

We might have been
a little hasty, huh?

Well, I think if we were smart...

...the best thing we could do would
be just to forget the whole thing.

- I'm hip.
- Just the guys I wanna see.

Paul, I've got no time
for Madison Avenue.

Wait here.
Caryl, I want that kid.

- What kid?
- Come on,

you know who I'm talking about.
You're putting me on.

- Paul, take it easy.
- Take it easy?

Look, Caryl, we've been
friends for a long time.

Personal friends.
I'm asking a personal favour.

Well, I'm trying to do you
a personal favour.

You never did
a personal favour for anybody.

- Look, the kid is really not that great...
- Sure, yeah.

- I know all...
- He's levelling with you, Paul.

Never mind the truth bits.

Who made you the big offer,
Johnson's network?

We had a break-in with this kid
in a small joint...

I'm doubling Johnson's high bid,
is that fair? I'm asking, is that fair?

Look, you're too nice a guy,
I couldn't do it to you...

I'll triple it. Here,
here's a contract, read it.

Triple is as far as I can go.
That's big loot!

I'm tripling it. Triple
is as far as I can...

Now, Stanley, you sit right down
at my desk, in my chair, and sign.

Oh, it's a very good thrill,
thank you,

to sit in your chair and...

Well, it looks so...

There's a lot of fine writing here

and a lot of things.
Shouldn't I read it?

You know, just to know
what it says...

No, no, no, that won't
be necessary, Stanley.

I've read it all very carefully,
and it's all in order.

Well, then, all right.
It looks very important.

"Lmportant", he says.

Yeah, I thought it was important.

Stanley.

- Yes.
- You know, I think I can safely say

that with the signing of this contract,
we're on our way.

- Our little plan is working.
- Yeah, really?

Stanley, you're gonna be
on The Ed Sullivan Show.

Oh, from the audience?

"From the audience".

Isn't that cute?

No, Stanley, you're gonna
be a star, on the stage.

I'll take a drink to that.

You'd take a drink when
your laundry gets back.

Oh, funny, Chic.

Now, now. No, no.
Hold it, hold it.

- I think a toast is perfectly in order.
- All right, boss. All right, boss.

- How about some champagne?
- Yeah, great!

Well, don't just stand there.
Get it.

Yeah, I'm gonna serve it
because I'm a star,

so I should go get it and everything.
It's in the refrigerator. Star, huh?

Sure, from the audience.
I'm such a star.

Oh, this is a terrific system.

I'm the star,
and I gotta wait on them.

Oh, that's what they mean,
the star system.

Instant waiter.
Do-it-yourself room service.

Room service?
Send me up a room.

Fine star. I gotta go serve...

That's champagne, yes.

Opener.

Need an opener for...

No champagne opener.

Maybe they have an opener.

Just enough glasses.
Beautiful glasses.

I have all of that, but...

- Oh, well, look who's here...
- But I couldn't...

I'm sorry, I couldn't find an opener.
I looked all over.

Stanley, you don't use a bottle
opener with champagne.

- Open it.
- He said to open it...

Oh, yeah.
Well, I don't know, because...

Oh, that's a very exciting thing,
like a block party.

If we had cold cuts, it would be good.

Thank you. It must...
I meant, for taking it.

Thank you very much.

You don't use straws
with this, you...

These are the kind of glasses
you throw in the fireplace and break

so when they run away, the lady
can cry, like Prince Valiant movies.

Well, here's to Stanley Belt.

The product of six great minds
working as one.

Six great minds.
One, two, three, four, five, six.

Six great... That...
You're out because...

Oh, you're the... I'm not in.

He's the sixth, I'm not.

Well.

It's cold.
Sure, because it's got ice in it.

Now.

We need more breaking in.

So it's back to the Copa Caf�.

And I think we should set it up

for the night before
The Sullivan Show.

- How does that sound?
- Perfect.

- Sounds good to me.
- Fine.

All right. We meet here tomorrow.

Goodnight, all.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

Stanley...

Stanley?

Stanley?

Stanley?

Come on out of there.

I got scared
from the break-in again.

Well, it's... It made me
frightened to go back there.

Again, I have to go back.

I'm very embarrassed.

When I heard about
another break-in, I got...

I hate to think...
That scared me.

Oh, Stanley, you mustn't worry.

Really, you mustn't.

You've made it.

- You really did.
- Yeah, well.

And now,

are you gonna buy me dinner,
or do I have to call the bell captain

and have him send up
some clumsy kid with ice cubes?

Yeah, you mean
like when I was first here.

How clumsy. It's amazing
how time can change a person.

Yeah. Dinner? Buy? Me?

A date to go in at...
Oh, yeah.

But I gotta get Fergusson.
I don't have enough.

I've got a token for a bus. I've gotta
get an advance. I'll be back.

- Sir.
- Good evening.

For you.

"Garcon."

Belt, a table.

And a very pleasant
good evening to you, sir,

and to you, my lovely lady,

a good, good evening.

Hey, hey, hey.
What's with the kissing?

We're standing and kissing,
we came for eating and drinking,

and you're just kissing.

I have a reservation for a table.

I'd like a table for the lady and me,
if you don't mind.

- Very well, sir.
- Thank you.

- Right this way, please.
- This way, a fine table for you.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Such kissing, I never saw...
They always kiss.

I hope the food is
as abundant as the kissing.

Madame?

Stay here.

I know how to duel.

I thought I was supposed... OK.

Oh, I'm sorry, I sat before you.
I didn't mean to...

Thank you very much.

Oh, we would like to order...

Oh, yes, thank you very much, sir.

- Thank you very much.
- Well, would you...?

That's quite all right.

And a very good evening
to you, madam and sir.

Would you like to order
a drink before dinner?

- Yes, we'd like two.
- Of what, sir?

That'll be fine.

- Champagne cocktail.
- Champagne.

That's exactly what
I had in mind, champagne...

Champagne cocktail.
Thank you, sir.

No, she's... I'm sir.

Thank you very much, sir.
Right away, sir.

- You're very...
- Stanley, as far as tipping is concer...

Your menu, madam.

Oh, that's good, I'll order.

- Your menu, sir.
- Thank you.

And let me...
Here you are.

Here's some for you
because I appreciate it.

- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.

- Your drinks are coming.
- I hope so.

I'm gonna make a toast that is...

A drink for the lady.

A drink for the gentleman.

Thank you.
Here's to you for being very good.

- Thanks.
- Thank you very much.

Well, there's two, so...

- Why, that's very gracious of you...
- Well, let me...

Because I like people
to enjoy also.

Well, you're very kind, I'm...

- You know...
- Yes, sir.

You give a little and...

I think that's all I'm gonna...

Maybe... OK.

A toast would be a good...

I think the butter
went on your purse then.

Here, but let me... Also, here,
because you were good.

- Thanks.
- Thank you, sir.

Stanley. You're really going to
have to slow down a bit.

Yes, but I still have 13...
Here's to...

That's why I'm so happy to be
popular demand back at the Copa Caf�.

And remember about my dog
always chasing cars?

Well, he finally caught one,
a Mustang,

and he buried it
in the backyard.

That's a gag.

And I'll do a lot of other gags.

Tomorrow night you can...
I'm gonna be Ed Sullivan.

I mean, on Ed Sullivan.
I mean, I'll be on his show if...

Sit down, kids.

What's up, Caryl?

Well, I...

I realise that...

Well, I...

I mean, if you stop to...

...consider...

Just what are you trying to say?

He's not trying.
He's telling us that we blew it

and it was a bad idea
to begin with.

I gotta figure out some way
to handle the press. I don't...

Look, take my advice, don't even try.

I, for one, am leaving for the Springs
in about 15 minutes.

You what?

You heard me, I'm leaving.

Well, what about Stanley?
He goes on in an hour.

When they see how bad
our king of comedy is,

they'll eat us up alive.

We'd be out of our minds
to hang around, get it?

You mean you're gonna let him
go through with that show

and whatever happens
afterwards, all alone?

Well, he has to.

He signed a contract, right?

Because he trusted us.

Ellen.

It won't be that bad.

He'll stumble through the Sullivan
caper like he did in that small club,

and then he'll silently steal away.

And then he'll become a bellboy again.

- It's that simple?
- It's the only way, Ellen.

I did send him a letter
by messenger, explaining.

You sent him a letter?
Well, how nice.

Yes. Matter of fact,
I've got a copy of it right here.

You made a copy.

Well, then, why don't you read it to me.

I was going to.

"Dear Stanley,

"sometimes what seems to be
a great idea can go so radically wrong

"that it's best to forget it

"before turning back
becomes impossible.

"Unfortunately,
in the case of this plan,

"because of your
signature on a contract,

"you have to do The Sullivan Show.

"The results are so obvious to all of us
that we felt it best not to be there.

"We wish you luck

"and hope you get
your old job back at the hotel."

And it's signed Caryl,

Harry, Chic,

Morgan, Bruce

and Ellen.

Ellen?

What right did you have
to sign my name

to that disgraceful piece of paper?

Oh, you've got a lot of nerve
when it comes to writing letters.

It's too bad you don't have
enough to stick by him now.

Well, look, we know how you feel,
Ellen, but what can we do?

Well, I know what I can do.

I can try and get to that theatre
before that messenger does.

Ellen, what good would that do now?

What good?

I can let him know

that I'm going to stick through it
with him to the very end,

no matter how bad.

And I can also let him know

that I love him.

And that's good.

Fifteen minutes to air.
That's fifteen minutes to air.

Orchestra on stage, please.

Fifteen, did you sa...?

Fifteen...
Well, where's everybody?

Say, does anybody know...?
Oh, usher man.

Did you see any of my staff?

I mean, the...
The people that are work...

- Any of my... And Ellen, did you?
- No. I haven't seen anyone, Mr Belt.

- Well, could you look to see?
- I could look in the theatre if you'd like.

- Why don't you look in the theatre.
- Glad to, Mr Belt.

I'm so happy about it.

Where can they be?

It's not...

There you are.
Where you been? I'm waiting...

I'm sorry, Mr Belt, but I couldn't
find any of your staff.

Oh, I just picked up
this special delivery letter.

- It just arrived by special messenger.
- Thank you very much.

A spe... Thank you.

Special...

The results are so obvious to all of us
that we felt it best not to be there.

And it's signed Caryl, Harry,

Chic, Morgan,

Bruce and Ellen.

Ellen?

"The results are so obvious."

They are, huh?

I'll show them results.

I'll show them results.

And now we proudly present
the star of our show,

the nationally syndicated columnist

of the New York Daily News,
Ed Sullivan.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight we have
a really big show because,

once again, we have
an exciting TV first.

As you remember, here on this stage,
Richard Burton,

Audrey Hepburn,
the Beatles,

Martin and Lewis,
all made their debuts.

And tonight, on this very stage here,

for the very first time,

here on this stage is the young man
you've heard about,

read about, talked about,

the young comedian who has
literally taken the country by storm.

And I won't keep you from him,
ladies and gentlemen, because

here he is on our stage here,

this here really
quite big stage tonight,

for the first time here or anywhere,
tonight or any night,

the young man who has taken...

Here he is right now,
so without further ado,

Stanley Belt.

In "A Big Night In Hollywood".

Hello, movie thing.

Hey, cop? Officer,
could you get my autograph?

Oh, there's Claudette Calvin.

Fred MacM...
I know them all by heart.

Rock Raisin, Rex Boiman.

Oh, I don't know his name.

Is Marlon Belvin gonna be here?

Gregory Purpin, what's his...?
Gregory, Rolman Peck.

Marlon Peck and Gregory White.

I never remember,
but I know their faces.

All right, folks, let's break it up.
Let's keep it moving.

Helen.

Helen! Helen! Helen!

Will you listen?

No, you listen.

To the sound of these
balcony tickets hitting the floor.

Helen!

Have any of you read
the trade papers this morning?

You don't have to look at the trades,
it's in every paper.

He even made the front page
of the Times: "A star is born."

Did you see him last night?
Did you?

Do you believe that kid?
Can you believe him?

I tell you, it was the greatest thing
I ever saw in my life,

and the people loved it.

You know what
the greatest thing was?

He didn't use one line
or one bit that we gave him.

- That I gave him.
- He just winged the whole thing,

and he was great.

Then why on earth did you ask us
all to come here and send us the wire?

None of us can work
with him anymore,

after the way we walked out on him.

Why did I ask you?
I didn't ask anybody.

I was in the Springs
when I got Harry's wire.

Harry's wire? The only wire
I got was from you.

Listen, if this is somebody's
idea of a joke,

I don't think it's very funny.

Ellen, did you have anything
to do with this?

Not a thing.

The wire I received was signed
Caryl Fergusson,

and that's all I know.

Well, all I know is...

Excuse me.

I sent those telegrams.

Now, I...

I didn't mean to be deceitful,
it's just that...

Well, you know, I wanted to...

...talk to all of you just once more.

I'm sorry, Stanley, I...

I don't know...

...what else we can say, except...?

Well, I...

I just guess we were all
a bunch of gutless wonders.

I feel the same way, kid.

My best wishes, Stan.

I like you, kid.

May I make it unanimous?

Sure. Well, thank you, I'm...

Hey, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I...

I think I have to clarify something here.
I mean, this isn't a wake, you know.

I sent the telegrams not because
this is a finish,

it's because it's the beginning.

There's a lot of things
I think we have to do.

I got a lot of confidence from
everything that's happened.

Chic, maybe we can do
some new jokes with the car

and the chasing dogs. We could
update it a little bit, you know?

Caryl, could you get
Las Vegas for me?

I mean, call Jack and set a deal.

Whatever you set, it'll be good.

Bruce, what about a new wardrobe,
like a whole Ronald Romance?

Handsome, I should look.
We've gotta do...

Oh, yeah, and I'm gonna need
a new secretary, Caryl.

Don't forget that, because
I'm gonna need a secretary.

You know, you gotta have a secretary,
with correspondence and all that.

Now, look here, Stanley.

Ellen had absolutely nothing
to do with this.

Of course not. I wrote that letter
and I signed all the names.

- Ellen didn't even...
- Fine. I still say

I need a new secretary.
I'm entitled, right?

And I want a new secretary.
And that's final.

Because no wife of mine is
going to be working late at night

and getting stuck in traffic jams.

She's staying home, taking care
of the children and the laundry.

Like any other... Well...

They must be glad about it.

When I say I have a wife that does,
she'll... And I'll also.

Well, don't get mad,
because I only was teasing.

No, don't get... I was...

What I meant,
I just wanted you should...

- I was fooling.
- So you're going to need

- a new secretary?
- Well...

- Really, Mr Belt.
- Well, no, I was only...

And I suppose that's because
I'll be too busy with your children,

- is that it?
- No, I ain't got none. I mean...

But if you'd like to gather
a few together, it...

You wanna put a few together
and we'll be a good...

- No.
- I'd love to, Stanley.

- And I love you.
- Well, that's OK.

I mean, you're right.

That is, you win.
Because I love you too.

But I should be the aggressor,
you shouldn't

be chasing, because...

Stanley!

Stanley. Stanley.

Aren't you overacting a little bit,
Miss Balman? Balin.

It's a movie, see. I'm fine.

The people in the theatre
know I ain't gonna die.

Here, it's a movie stage.
Here, look at this, see?

There's wires and lights.

And I'm gonna make more movies,
so I couldn't die.

It's like a make-believe...
It's a dumb city.

Mr Lewis, you are a complete nut.

Which reminds me, I'm having nuts
and whipped cream for lunch.

Would you join me, please?
Crew, that's lunch.

One hour for the actors
and seven days for the technicians.

It's a movie set breaking,
once and for all, to go to have lunch.