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1
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♪ it seems today that all you see ♪
2
00:00:04,590 --> 00:00:07,632
♪ is violence in movies and sex on tv ♪
3
00:00:07,676 --> 00:00:11,344
♪ but where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
4
00:00:11,346 --> 00:00:14,306
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
5
00:00:14,349 --> 00:00:17,768
♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪
6
00:00:17,811 --> 00:00:21,354
♪ lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
7
00:00:21,356 --> 00:00:22,856
♪ all the things that make us ♪
8
00:00:22,900 --> 00:00:24,149
♪ laugh and cry ♪
9
00:00:24,151 --> 00:00:29,404
♪ he's... A... Fam... Ily... Guy. ♪
10
00:00:36,538 --> 00:00:38,997
Hey, meg, what's with
the cupcakes?
11
00:00:39,041 --> 00:00:40,248
I'm celebrating.
12
00:00:40,292 --> 00:00:41,917
Oh, last night I had my period
13
00:00:41,960 --> 00:00:44,044
Or miscarriage. Not sure which.
14
00:00:44,088 --> 00:00:46,505
Either way, happy un-birthday.
15
00:00:50,886 --> 00:00:53,220
Where's my phone?
I got to text patty
16
00:00:53,305 --> 00:00:55,055
And let her know
she can have half of these
17
00:00:55,057 --> 00:00:56,556
For her cat's funeral.
18
00:00:58,143 --> 00:01:00,060
Coltrane's wake is gonna be lit.
19
00:01:00,104 --> 00:01:03,146
Pics to follow.
20
00:01:04,149 --> 00:01:06,566
What the hell? What happened?
21
00:01:06,610 --> 00:01:07,776
[phone chimes]
22
00:01:10,739 --> 00:01:13,115
Hey, meg, no turkey dinner is complete
23
00:01:13,158 --> 00:01:16,118
Without a little under-nut squash.
24
00:01:16,161 --> 00:01:18,829
[cackles]
25
00:01:18,872 --> 00:01:21,039
What a jerk.
26
00:01:25,254 --> 00:01:27,921
Oh, well. Time to go transport
a texas resident
27
00:01:27,965 --> 00:01:29,756
To her reproductive
health appointment.
28
00:01:37,141 --> 00:01:38,974
Okay, brian,
let's play another round
29
00:01:39,017 --> 00:01:41,143
Of my favorite game:
Read lois' mail
30
00:01:41,186 --> 00:01:43,228
And laugh at her sad life.
31
00:01:43,272 --> 00:01:45,313
Uhp, fall lane bryant catalog.
32
00:01:45,357 --> 00:01:47,357
Looks like we'll be getting
some cranberry pants
33
00:01:47,359 --> 00:01:48,733
In the mail.
34
00:01:48,777 --> 00:01:50,235
"fertility bank of new England."
35
00:01:50,279 --> 00:01:52,028
Oh, this one I've got to see.
36
00:01:52,072 --> 00:01:54,614
"dear lois pewterschmidt,
thank you again
37
00:01:54,658 --> 00:01:58,410
"for your compensated donation
of ten eggs in 1997.
38
00:01:58,453 --> 00:02:01,496
"this letter is to inform you
that the nine remaining eggs
39
00:02:01,540 --> 00:02:03,832
Have been destroyed
for lack of interest."
40
00:02:03,876 --> 00:02:05,041
What? Let me see that.
41
00:02:05,127 --> 00:02:06,501
Oh, this is so perfect.
42
00:02:06,545 --> 00:02:09,296
The old slag literally
sold her body for money.
43
00:02:09,339 --> 00:02:11,006
All right, let's not judge her.
44
00:02:11,049 --> 00:02:12,632
She was trying to earn
a little extra money in college
45
00:02:12,676 --> 00:02:14,467
And I wonder what
human eggs taste like.
46
00:02:14,511 --> 00:02:16,595
Wait a second.
47
00:02:16,638 --> 00:02:18,305
The nine remaining eggs?
48
00:02:18,307 --> 00:02:20,390
Lois donated ten eggs.
49
00:02:20,434 --> 00:02:22,100
If there were nine remaining,
that means
50
00:02:22,144 --> 00:02:23,768
One of them was used?
51
00:02:23,812 --> 00:02:26,104
Hate how much I want to try
human eggs right now.
52
00:02:26,148 --> 00:02:28,899
Brian, listen:
I have a lost half-sibling.
53
00:02:28,942 --> 00:02:31,234
He or she is just
out there someplace.
54
00:02:31,278 --> 00:02:33,445
Why, I haven't been this shocked
since chris showed me
55
00:02:33,530 --> 00:02:34,529
His jack-in-the-box.
56
00:02:34,573 --> 00:02:37,532
Chris, what did you do
to this box?
57
00:02:37,576 --> 00:02:40,577
It's not called
a "jack elsewhere."
58
00:02:44,708 --> 00:02:46,458
Oh, it's master.
Here, master.
59
00:02:46,501 --> 00:02:49,252
Master may change the tv
to a channel that pleases her.
60
00:02:49,296 --> 00:02:51,046
Uh, what's going on?
61
00:02:51,048 --> 00:02:53,048
Master's latest
social media post
62
00:02:53,050 --> 00:02:54,633
Has become popular
on the internet,
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00:02:54,676 --> 00:02:56,760
So now master rules the family.
64
00:02:56,803 --> 00:02:57,761
What are you talking about?
65
00:02:57,804 --> 00:02:59,429
[phone chimes]
66
00:02:59,473 --> 00:03:00,472
Oh, my god!
67
00:03:02,392 --> 00:03:05,393
This cupcake video
got 20,000 likes.
68
00:03:05,437 --> 00:03:08,563
Only likes matter.
Likes rule all.
69
00:03:08,607 --> 00:03:11,274
Wow, look at all these comments.
People are saying
70
00:03:11,318 --> 00:03:14,361
I should get chris a
fansonly page. What's fansonly?
71
00:03:14,404 --> 00:03:17,906
It's a fetish website
where amateurs post racy videos
72
00:03:17,950 --> 00:03:19,783
That subscribers pay to see.
73
00:03:19,785 --> 00:03:22,327
Wait, people would pay money
74
00:03:22,371 --> 00:03:24,788
To watch a husky teen
sit on food?
75
00:03:24,873 --> 00:03:27,457
Oh, yeah. Very much so.
76
00:03:32,005 --> 00:03:34,673
Um, would you be interested?
77
00:03:34,716 --> 00:03:35,674
I could set everything up
78
00:03:35,717 --> 00:03:37,050
And handle
the administrative side.
79
00:03:37,177 --> 00:03:40,262
You could just sit on stuff.
We'd split the profits.
80
00:03:40,305 --> 00:03:41,930
You think
you're the first person
81
00:03:41,974 --> 00:03:43,932
To pitch me
a crush fetish website?
82
00:03:43,976 --> 00:03:46,434
Go get a business plan,
some seed capital
83
00:03:46,478 --> 00:03:48,228
And an s-corp registered
in the state of delaware
84
00:03:48,272 --> 00:03:50,981
And then maybe we'll talk.
85
00:03:51,024 --> 00:03:54,067
♪ not everything has to be ♪
86
00:03:54,111 --> 00:03:56,319
♪ a montage ♪
87
00:03:56,321 --> 00:03:59,698
♪ meg filling out a bunch of forms ♪
88
00:03:59,741 --> 00:04:02,701
♪ is not very interesting ♪
89
00:04:02,744 --> 00:04:04,619
♪ but the guy who drew this ♪
90
00:04:04,663 --> 00:04:06,830
♪ worked very hard ♪
91
00:04:06,873 --> 00:04:08,290
♪ so we don't have the heart ♪
92
00:04:08,333 --> 00:04:09,958
♪ to cut it now ♪
93
00:04:10,877 --> 00:04:12,335
♪ especially since that guy ♪
94
00:04:12,337 --> 00:04:15,171
♪ recently lost custody ♪
95
00:04:15,215 --> 00:04:18,967
♪ of his children. ♪
96
00:04:19,011 --> 00:04:21,303
-I'm in.
-[gasps]
97
00:04:25,267 --> 00:04:27,434
Rupert, I can't stop
thinking about the fact
98
00:04:27,436 --> 00:04:29,477
That I've got a sibling
out there someplace.
99
00:04:29,521 --> 00:04:31,438
So, today I will
hack into the world's
100
00:04:31,481 --> 00:04:33,440
Most sophisticated
surveillance networks,
101
00:04:33,442 --> 00:04:35,525
Scan for pewterschmidt
dna markers
102
00:04:35,569 --> 00:04:37,861
From lois' donated egg,
locate my comrade,
103
00:04:37,904 --> 00:04:40,739
-And together,
we shall be unstopa--
-[facetime ringing]
104
00:04:41,867 --> 00:04:45,118
Stewie! Tell mommy that daddy fell!
105
00:04:45,162 --> 00:04:47,370
[audio cutting out]
106
00:04:48,832 --> 00:04:50,749
Aha. We have a match.
107
00:04:52,210 --> 00:04:53,960
In cambridge, massachusetts.
108
00:04:54,004 --> 00:04:56,338
Of course.
Someone sharing my dna
109
00:04:56,381 --> 00:04:59,424
May well be a scholar
at harvard or mit.
110
00:04:59,468 --> 00:05:00,717
Or tufts.
111
00:05:00,761 --> 00:05:04,888
Oh, come on, the sat
is not biased against bears.
112
00:05:04,931 --> 00:05:06,890
Jewish bears?
You're jewish?
113
00:05:06,933 --> 00:05:08,475
No, it's fine, it's just...
114
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It's just the kind of thing
you tell someone.
115
00:05:10,604 --> 00:05:12,604
♪
116
00:05:21,114 --> 00:05:22,530
Supposedly,
one of these eggheads
117
00:05:22,574 --> 00:05:25,450
Is my brother or sister, rupert.
But which one?
118
00:05:25,452 --> 00:05:27,369
And how will we
find each other?
119
00:05:27,412 --> 00:05:29,662
Perhaps we share mannerisms.
120
00:05:29,706 --> 00:05:32,207
Hey, "damn you all." yeah?
121
00:05:32,250 --> 00:05:35,043
"curse you, vile woman."
am I right?
122
00:05:35,045 --> 00:05:38,004
"victory shall be mine"?
You know? Anything?
123
00:05:38,048 --> 00:05:39,672
That was big in the '90s.
124
00:05:39,716 --> 00:05:41,424
[sighs]
I don't understand.
125
00:05:41,468 --> 00:05:44,386
My genius harvard sibling
should be right here.
126
00:05:44,429 --> 00:05:46,554
[laughing]
127
00:05:46,598 --> 00:05:48,973
[boston accent] eat my wizz,
you harvard fruit bags.
128
00:05:49,017 --> 00:05:50,475
[zips]
129
00:05:52,938 --> 00:05:54,729
Oh, my god, that must be him.
130
00:05:54,773 --> 00:05:55,897
And, hey, don't do that.
131
00:05:55,941 --> 00:05:57,399
Harvard is a respected
institution
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00:05:57,442 --> 00:05:59,567
That only produces
our nation's finest.
133
00:05:59,611 --> 00:06:03,279
♪ the boys are back in town, the boys are back in town ♪
134
00:06:05,492 --> 00:06:09,119
♪ I said the boys are back in town. ♪
135
00:06:09,121 --> 00:06:10,578
Our apologies to the unabomber.
136
00:06:10,622 --> 00:06:12,122
It was a cheap shot
to include him.
137
00:06:18,630 --> 00:06:20,797
[boston accent] so you and me
got some of the same dna
138
00:06:20,841 --> 00:06:22,340
On account of your mom
sold off
139
00:06:22,384 --> 00:06:23,383
Her inside parts?
140
00:06:23,427 --> 00:06:25,969
-Dude, that's bizarre.
-Mm, quite.
141
00:06:26,012 --> 00:06:27,679
Yeah, my mom didn't like
how I came out,
142
00:06:27,722 --> 00:06:28,930
So she left me
in an orphanage,
143
00:06:28,974 --> 00:06:30,723
But nobody was adopting me,
so screw that.
144
00:06:30,767 --> 00:06:32,559
Got out of there,
moved under the fenway stands.
145
00:06:32,602 --> 00:06:34,727
I survive on racist
bleacher farts.
146
00:06:34,771 --> 00:06:36,229
That's great.
Now, I don't suppose you have
147
00:06:36,273 --> 00:06:38,148
A hidden cache
of advanced weaponry
148
00:06:38,191 --> 00:06:39,774
And plans for global conquest?
149
00:06:39,776 --> 00:06:41,067
Nah, but you know
what I do got?
150
00:06:41,111 --> 00:06:43,528
A list of five movies
that I cry at the end of.
151
00:06:43,572 --> 00:06:45,029
Number one, braveheart.
152
00:06:45,115 --> 00:06:47,157
-Oh, yeah?
-Yeah, that one gets me.
153
00:06:47,200 --> 00:06:48,366
That gets me.
154
00:06:48,410 --> 00:06:50,118
Uh, number two, scarface, I cry.
155
00:06:50,162 --> 00:06:52,328
Guy builds up the whole empire
and just dies, right?
156
00:06:52,372 --> 00:06:54,247
Uh, number three, dodgeball.
157
00:06:54,291 --> 00:06:56,124
Everybody looks past those guys.
Nobody believed in 'em.
158
00:06:56,168 --> 00:06:57,417
Couldn't catch for nothing.
159
00:06:57,544 --> 00:07:00,170
I tell you, justin long--
he couldn't catch a cold
160
00:07:00,172 --> 00:07:02,547
And still they win the thing,
you know? Here I go.
161
00:07:08,597 --> 00:07:11,181
Camera's rolling.
You can go when you're ready.
162
00:07:11,224 --> 00:07:13,600
Welcome, fansonly subscribers.
163
00:07:13,643 --> 00:07:16,853
My dad fell in the shower,
so we kinda need the money.
164
00:07:16,897 --> 00:07:17,979
[grunts]
165
00:07:18,023 --> 00:07:19,981
Ah. Thank you.
166
00:07:20,025 --> 00:07:22,025
Wow. That was great.
167
00:07:22,068 --> 00:07:24,360
-How was that for you?
-It was amazing.
168
00:07:24,404 --> 00:07:27,405
We just created art
in front of our fans.
169
00:07:27,449 --> 00:07:29,782
I wonder if this is how
french pointillist painter
170
00:07:29,826 --> 00:07:31,576
Georges seurat felt.
171
00:07:31,620 --> 00:07:34,412
[all] oh...
172
00:07:34,456 --> 00:07:36,456
Yeah!
173
00:07:36,500 --> 00:07:39,626
Oh...
174
00:07:39,628 --> 00:07:40,960
Yeah!
175
00:07:41,004 --> 00:07:42,629
No way. Orange.
176
00:07:42,631 --> 00:07:43,880
Orange, you guys.
177
00:07:43,924 --> 00:07:46,508
Oh...
178
00:07:46,551 --> 00:07:48,551
Yeah!
179
00:07:48,637 --> 00:07:49,928
Seurat! Seurat! Seurat!
180
00:07:49,971 --> 00:07:52,096
What did I miss?
Were the dots tiny?
181
00:07:52,140 --> 00:07:54,307
Oh, my god, so tiny.
182
00:07:57,103 --> 00:07:58,770
All right, here's my house.
See?
183
00:07:58,813 --> 00:07:59,979
Anyway, it's been nice
to meet you,
184
00:08:00,023 --> 00:08:01,147
But I'm very busy today.
185
00:08:01,191 --> 00:08:02,815
No way. How come your house
ain't attached
186
00:08:02,859 --> 00:08:04,400
To two other houses
on either side?
187
00:08:04,444 --> 00:08:05,860
There can be just one house?
188
00:08:05,904 --> 00:08:06,986
Um, I guess.
189
00:08:07,030 --> 00:08:08,279
And where's your american flag
190
00:08:08,323 --> 00:08:09,739
But with blue stripes for cops?
191
00:08:09,741 --> 00:08:10,865
I don't know, man, but listen,
192
00:08:10,909 --> 00:08:12,408
You can stay for just
a few minutes.
193
00:08:12,410 --> 00:08:14,035
No way, you got crazy straws?
194
00:08:14,079 --> 00:08:15,495
No, no, no,
those are the fat man's.
195
00:08:15,539 --> 00:08:18,289
He likes to pretend his juice
is on a roller coaster.
196
00:08:18,333 --> 00:08:20,083
I don't care, I'm using one.
197
00:08:20,168 --> 00:08:22,001
All right, capri suns,
198
00:08:22,045 --> 00:08:24,712
Who's ready to ride
thunder mountain?
199
00:08:25,590 --> 00:08:27,549
Stewie, what the hell
are you doing?
200
00:08:27,592 --> 00:08:29,968
You know the crazy straws
are only for daddy.
201
00:08:30,011 --> 00:08:32,011
-Up yours, old man.
-That's it.
202
00:08:32,013 --> 00:08:33,763
I'd give you the belt,
but I wore
203
00:08:33,807 --> 00:08:35,390
A 1990s braided belt today,
204
00:08:35,433 --> 00:08:37,976
And I like how it makes me
look like blossom's dad.
205
00:08:38,019 --> 00:08:39,394
Yeah?
How about I give you the belt?
206
00:08:39,437 --> 00:08:41,437
-Aah! Stop it!
You're hurting me.
-Yeah, take that.
207
00:08:41,481 --> 00:08:43,481
I'll drink out of any straw
I want, you piece of crap.
208
00:08:43,525 --> 00:08:45,191
-You hear me?
-I need that belt.
209
00:08:45,235 --> 00:08:47,569
I'm taking my linkedin photo
later.
210
00:08:47,612 --> 00:08:49,612
[whimpering]
211
00:08:50,615 --> 00:08:52,740
Hmm. Turns out this thug
212
00:08:52,742 --> 00:08:54,325
May actually be useful to me.
213
00:08:54,369 --> 00:08:55,577
Well, isn't that a surprise?
214
00:08:55,620 --> 00:08:58,329
Like the japanese attack
on david harbour.
215
00:08:59,207 --> 00:09:01,291
Hi, kenji mifune, tokyo daily.
216
00:09:01,334 --> 00:09:04,627
Why do you always look like
you just woke up in a dumpster?
217
00:09:09,009 --> 00:09:10,883
All right, rupert,
time to make use
218
00:09:10,927 --> 00:09:12,885
Of that crude boston
body double.
219
00:09:12,929 --> 00:09:13,970
Here we go.
220
00:09:14,014 --> 00:09:15,638
Lois, I'd like to request
221
00:09:15,682 --> 00:09:16,973
A later bedtime, please.
222
00:09:17,017 --> 00:09:18,600
I'm a big boy now, and I think
223
00:09:18,643 --> 00:09:19,976
I can make it to 6:45.
224
00:09:20,020 --> 00:09:21,853
Go away, stewie,
mommy's looking at
225
00:09:21,896 --> 00:09:23,730
Real estate listings
and dreaming of
226
00:09:23,732 --> 00:09:25,148
Any life other than this.
227
00:09:25,191 --> 00:09:28,401
I see. All right, then.
228
00:09:32,407 --> 00:09:35,617
-[furniture crashing,
glass breaking]
-[lois crying out]
229
00:09:37,412 --> 00:09:39,746
Your new bedtime
is whenever you [bleep] want.
230
00:09:39,789 --> 00:09:43,374
Splendid! I also have
a school-related task for you.
231
00:09:46,171 --> 00:09:48,755
Um, class, I-I know
teacher jeremy said
232
00:09:48,798 --> 00:09:51,966
Everyone would get a turn
as classroom star of the week,
233
00:09:51,968 --> 00:09:54,677
But new plan.
Uh, stewie will now be
234
00:09:54,721 --> 00:09:56,262
Star of the week every week.
235
00:09:56,306 --> 00:09:59,349
Also, instead of circle time,
we're just gonna watch tv dramas
236
00:09:59,351 --> 00:10:01,100
Where dennis leary
plays a fireman.
237
00:10:01,144 --> 00:10:03,561
That's a pretty smart cookie,
that teacher jeremy.
238
00:10:03,605 --> 00:10:06,189
But right now we're gonna
do show and tell.
239
00:10:06,232 --> 00:10:07,357
Who wants to go fir--
240
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,317
Stewie. Uh, let's do stewie.
241
00:10:09,361 --> 00:10:11,611
Oh, god, I don't got
nothing prepared.
242
00:10:11,655 --> 00:10:13,321
Let me see what I got
in my pockets here.
243
00:10:13,323 --> 00:10:16,366
Um, here's a cumberland farms
reward card.
244
00:10:16,409 --> 00:10:18,242
Shotgun shell
full of shark teeth.
245
00:10:18,286 --> 00:10:20,328
Donnie wahlberg's
actual cigar cutter,
246
00:10:20,372 --> 00:10:22,789
Key card for my ex-girlfriend's
parking garage.
247
00:10:22,832 --> 00:10:24,123
Zippo lighter I got in cancun.
248
00:10:24,167 --> 00:10:25,249
I friggin' love cancun.
249
00:10:25,293 --> 00:10:26,626
I don't know why
you'd go anywhere else.
250
00:10:26,670 --> 00:10:30,004
Uh, flat, dry condom
in case charlene's ovulating.
251
00:10:30,048 --> 00:10:31,589
Uh, clipping
of a newspaper story
252
00:10:31,633 --> 00:10:33,424
Where I'm quoted
about a house fire.
253
00:10:33,468 --> 00:10:35,376
And a bloody shoe
from the marathon bombing
254
00:10:35,378 --> 00:10:37,095
I keep in a caldor's bag
in my closet.
255
00:10:37,138 --> 00:10:38,638
Any questions?
256
00:10:51,277 --> 00:10:53,903
That's smushboy15.
He's gross.
257
00:10:53,905 --> 00:10:56,239
He'll sit on anything.
He's a sit slut.
258
00:10:56,282 --> 00:10:58,032
He's also really good
at hearing the whispers
259
00:10:58,076 --> 00:10:59,617
Of nearby diners.
260
00:11:02,038 --> 00:11:04,029
Excuse me, smushboy.
261
00:11:04,040 --> 00:11:05,998
I-I'm wondering
if you could come over
262
00:11:06,042 --> 00:11:07,542
And sit on my wife's avocado?
263
00:11:07,585 --> 00:11:09,919
Come on, man,
I'm out with my family.
264
00:11:09,963 --> 00:11:11,295
You hollywood celebrities!
265
00:11:11,381 --> 00:11:14,674
Sheesh!
Don't meet your heroes, huh?
266
00:11:20,890 --> 00:11:23,391
[inhales, exhales deeply]
267
00:11:23,435 --> 00:11:27,228
Okay, everyone, this is another
smushboy livestream.
268
00:11:27,272 --> 00:11:29,689
Let's try to play nice
this time, okay?
269
00:11:29,733 --> 00:11:31,899
[man] hey, uh, squash that brownie with your knee.
270
00:11:31,985 --> 00:11:33,568
I don't do knee stuff.
271
00:11:33,611 --> 00:11:36,279
I told you guys that
from the beginning. Geez.
272
00:11:36,322 --> 00:11:37,739
What the hell, chris?
273
00:11:37,741 --> 00:11:39,866
You've had a crummy attitude
from the moment
274
00:11:39,909 --> 00:11:41,117
You walked in here this morning.
275
00:11:41,119 --> 00:11:43,119
Well, duh.
The moment I walk in
276
00:11:43,121 --> 00:11:45,455
You start running
new pie designs at me.
277
00:11:45,498 --> 00:11:47,206
What do we do with
pie designs, meg?
278
00:11:47,250 --> 00:11:49,250
Huh? What do we do?
279
00:11:49,294 --> 00:11:51,627
-Email them to tristan.
-Email them to tristan.
280
00:11:51,671 --> 00:11:54,172
Look, I don't like
being a broken record here,
281
00:11:54,215 --> 00:11:56,090
But why do we have
those Monday meetings
282
00:11:56,134 --> 00:11:58,634
If nobody's gonna
follow the process?
283
00:11:58,636 --> 00:12:02,680
Anyone? Briana? Heath? Hello?
284
00:12:02,724 --> 00:12:04,140
You know what, guys,
if you can't start
285
00:12:04,142 --> 00:12:07,226
Sorting these things out,
I don't see how we can even
286
00:12:07,270 --> 00:12:09,061
Do summer fridays anymore.
287
00:12:09,105 --> 00:12:11,647
Oh, now you're
paying attention.
288
00:12:11,691 --> 00:12:14,150
Chris, you can't
talk to people like that.
289
00:12:14,194 --> 00:12:15,818
Oh, fine.
Then maybe I'll talk like this.
290
00:12:15,904 --> 00:12:18,321
Everyone, I quit!
291
00:12:18,364 --> 00:12:20,198
Come along, multiple exotic pets
292
00:12:20,241 --> 00:12:22,575
Symbolizing
my spiritual corruption.
293
00:12:31,044 --> 00:12:33,920
Good night, stewie,
at 11:45 p.M.,
294
00:12:33,963 --> 00:12:36,589
Which is a bedtime
that works for you.
295
00:12:36,633 --> 00:12:39,759
I love you, sweetie. Mwah.
296
00:12:42,931 --> 00:12:44,931
Hey, that was kind of nice
what just happened right there.
297
00:12:44,974 --> 00:12:47,308
-What do you mean?
-Well, you got a kiss
from your mom,
298
00:12:47,352 --> 00:12:48,851
And not just 'cause
you blew into that tube
299
00:12:48,895 --> 00:12:50,144
That lets her start the car.
300
00:12:50,188 --> 00:12:51,771
You know, I always
wanted to get adopted
301
00:12:51,815 --> 00:12:52,980
And have parents of my own.
302
00:12:53,024 --> 00:12:54,941
Heck, my old orphanage
even has its annual
303
00:12:55,026 --> 00:12:56,317
Adoption fair next week, but
304
00:12:56,361 --> 00:12:57,902
Forget it, nobody wants to adopt
305
00:12:57,904 --> 00:12:59,153
A messed-up kid like me.
306
00:12:59,197 --> 00:13:00,613
Hey, hey, hey.
307
00:13:00,657 --> 00:13:03,449
Can we not do shoes
on my white area rug?
308
00:13:04,661 --> 00:13:08,120
And also, hey, hey, hey.
You want to get adopted?
309
00:13:08,164 --> 00:13:10,206
I will help you get adopted.
310
00:13:10,250 --> 00:13:11,874
-What?
-Starting tomorrow,
311
00:13:11,918 --> 00:13:14,919
I will teach you how to be
a normal, adoptable child.
312
00:13:14,963 --> 00:13:16,796
Aw, dude, that's awesome.
313
00:13:16,840 --> 00:13:17,839
All right, good night, kiddo.
314
00:13:17,882 --> 00:13:19,206
I'm gonna go hide out
in the dry tub
315
00:13:19,259 --> 00:13:20,508
And watch your sister
take a wizz.
316
00:13:27,225 --> 00:13:29,183
Dad, thanks again
for filling in
317
00:13:29,227 --> 00:13:31,394
After chris got
all big-headed and quit.
318
00:13:31,437 --> 00:13:33,729
I'm excited to start shooting
these videos with you.
319
00:13:33,773 --> 00:13:35,273
Yeah, um, about the videos--
320
00:13:35,275 --> 00:13:37,024
I couldn't help but notice
321
00:13:37,068 --> 00:13:39,610
You've got me squatting
on generic jell-o,
322
00:13:39,654 --> 00:13:40,862
Not the name brand.
323
00:13:40,905 --> 00:13:42,196
Does it make a difference?
324
00:13:42,240 --> 00:13:44,740
[laughs]
doe-does it make a difference?
325
00:13:44,784 --> 00:13:46,367
You're-you're adorable.
326
00:13:46,411 --> 00:13:49,161
And why am I snorting
regular cocaine
327
00:13:49,163 --> 00:13:51,956
When I specifically requested
bacon-wrapped cocaine?
328
00:13:51,958 --> 00:13:54,166
There's no such thing
as bacon-wrapped cocaine.
329
00:13:54,168 --> 00:13:56,544
Yeah, tell that
to chris farley's autopsy photo.
330
00:13:56,588 --> 00:13:58,754
Also, your nose
is bleeding heavily.
331
00:13:59,799 --> 00:14:02,341
Yeah, that's allergies. I'm
allergic to bacon and cocaine.
332
00:14:02,385 --> 00:14:05,011
I tell you, this is the most
unprofessional film set
333
00:14:05,013 --> 00:14:07,763
Since they cast
timothée chalamet in dune.
334
00:14:07,807 --> 00:14:10,683
My father came, not for spice,
335
00:14:10,727 --> 00:14:12,768
Not for riches--
336
00:14:12,812 --> 00:14:14,729
-Whoa-- wh-whoa!
-Cut.
337
00:14:14,772 --> 00:14:16,480
-Wind guy.
-I told you guys
338
00:14:16,524 --> 00:14:18,608
He shouldn't
be in windy movies.
339
00:14:18,651 --> 00:14:20,610
Freakin' told you guys.
340
00:14:23,448 --> 00:14:25,281
All right,
we've got just one week
341
00:14:25,325 --> 00:14:28,534
To turn you into a normal,
regular kid who can be adopted.
342
00:14:28,578 --> 00:14:31,162
Parents love reading a-b-c books
with their little ones,
343
00:14:31,205 --> 00:14:33,205
So let's practice that,
shall we?
344
00:14:34,375 --> 00:14:36,626
A, asswipe.
345
00:14:36,669 --> 00:14:39,003
Okay, close, close.
How about this one?
346
00:14:39,047 --> 00:14:40,796
B, bastard.
347
00:14:40,840 --> 00:14:42,256
We are oh-for-two.
348
00:14:42,300 --> 00:14:43,549
Yeah, I'm gonna skip c.
349
00:14:43,635 --> 00:14:45,426
Feel like I know what
you're gonna say for that.
350
00:14:45,470 --> 00:14:48,888
D, f. And I know
you're gonna go for that f.
351
00:14:48,890 --> 00:14:50,097
Not the usual f.
352
00:14:50,141 --> 00:14:52,224
Yeah, I'm not sure
this is gonna work.
353
00:14:56,064 --> 00:14:57,438
You're, like,
two hours late, dad.
354
00:14:57,440 --> 00:14:59,231
I'm sorry meg,
but as an artist,
355
00:14:59,233 --> 00:15:00,983
I simply cannot create
356
00:15:01,027 --> 00:15:02,234
Until you are finished
dry cleaning
357
00:15:02,278 --> 00:15:05,112
-All of my Halloween costumes.
-I tried,
358
00:15:05,156 --> 00:15:06,864
But they couldn't
get the stain out of your
359
00:15:06,908 --> 00:15:08,282
Emperor palpatine robe.
360
00:15:08,284 --> 00:15:11,661
Take it someplace else.
Take it everyplace else.
361
00:15:11,663 --> 00:15:12,912
Ugh.
362
00:15:12,956 --> 00:15:14,914
♪
363
00:15:14,958 --> 00:15:18,084
♪ we keep doing montages ♪
364
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,754
♪ about the wrong things ♪
365
00:15:21,798 --> 00:15:24,507
♪ here's another one we should have cut ♪
366
00:15:24,509 --> 00:15:27,510
♪ but the guy who draws these up ♪
367
00:15:27,553 --> 00:15:31,430
♪ and lost custody of his kids ♪
368
00:15:31,474 --> 00:15:33,933
♪ he got a dui ♪
369
00:15:33,977 --> 00:15:37,561
♪ since the last montage. ♪
370
00:15:39,148 --> 00:15:41,399
[chris sighs]
371
00:15:44,153 --> 00:15:47,196
Chris, what are you doing?
[sniffs]
372
00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:49,198
Why does it smell
so bad in here?
373
00:15:49,242 --> 00:15:52,159
Uh, well, my exotic pets
374
00:15:52,203 --> 00:15:53,953
Somehow all killed each other.
375
00:15:55,248 --> 00:15:59,125
Still not quite sure
what the sequence was there.
376
00:15:59,168 --> 00:16:01,836
Anyway, meg, I just want to say
I'm really happy
377
00:16:01,838 --> 00:16:05,464
For you and dad that you're
doing that website together.
378
00:16:05,508 --> 00:16:07,508
Uh, thanks, chris.
379
00:16:07,510 --> 00:16:09,135
No, thank you.
380
00:16:09,178 --> 00:16:11,887
I just wish I didn't
screw everything up, you know?
381
00:16:11,889 --> 00:16:13,723
Treated you like a carrot muffin
382
00:16:13,766 --> 00:16:15,349
I butt-smothered for money.
383
00:16:15,393 --> 00:16:18,019
But you're not a carrot muffin,
you're my sister.
384
00:16:18,062 --> 00:16:19,311
And I forgot that.
385
00:16:19,355 --> 00:16:22,148
It's okay, chris,
I forgive you.
386
00:16:22,191 --> 00:16:24,817
Hey, call out
any boston market sides.
387
00:16:24,861 --> 00:16:27,737
It's Friday, and we're gorgin'.
388
00:16:30,366 --> 00:16:32,366
♪
389
00:16:34,370 --> 00:16:38,706
Told you, stewie, nobody
wants to adopt this loser.
390
00:16:42,462 --> 00:16:43,502
Okay, look sharp.
391
00:16:43,546 --> 00:16:45,171
These people
may be your last chance.
392
00:16:45,214 --> 00:16:48,215
Just do everything
the way we rehearsed it.
393
00:16:48,259 --> 00:16:50,509
Hey, little man, how are you?
394
00:16:50,553 --> 00:16:53,137
I am fine
and in good physical health.
395
00:16:53,181 --> 00:16:56,390
Aw. What kind of toys
do you like, sweetie?
396
00:16:56,434 --> 00:16:59,060
Um, you know, a doll,
because that's okay
397
00:16:59,062 --> 00:17:00,186
For a boy, I'm told.
398
00:17:00,229 --> 00:17:01,896
But, you know,
any-any toy's fine.
399
00:17:01,939 --> 00:17:03,481
An outside ball
for throwing inside.
400
00:17:03,483 --> 00:17:04,899
I mean, you know,
whatever you got.
401
00:17:04,942 --> 00:17:07,234
So sweet. Hey,
402
00:17:07,278 --> 00:17:08,861
What do you want to be
when you grow up?
403
00:17:08,905 --> 00:17:10,071
When I grow up, I want to be
404
00:17:10,114 --> 00:17:12,531
A body-cam-off police officer.
405
00:17:12,575 --> 00:17:15,159
I-I mean, just a regular
police officer.
406
00:17:21,042 --> 00:17:23,826
How would you
like us to adopt you
407
00:17:23,836 --> 00:17:25,377
So that you can
come live with us
408
00:17:25,421 --> 00:17:28,297
And be a jets fan,
not a pats fan,
409
00:17:28,341 --> 00:17:30,633
Because we are a jets family.
410
00:17:31,469 --> 00:17:33,761
[exclaiming]
411
00:17:33,805 --> 00:17:37,139
[bleep] jets are a straight
[bleep] [bleep] franchise, bro.
412
00:17:37,183 --> 00:17:39,266
The last jet that actually
mattered in nyc
413
00:17:39,310 --> 00:17:40,810
Is the one that
hit the south tower.
414
00:17:40,853 --> 00:17:42,353
Whoa, whoa.
415
00:17:42,396 --> 00:17:45,272
Okay, so that wasn't a match.
416
00:17:49,737 --> 00:17:52,196
I'm sorry. I really thought
I could help you find
417
00:17:52,240 --> 00:17:53,739
A family of your own.
418
00:17:53,741 --> 00:17:55,241
What's going on over there?
419
00:17:55,326 --> 00:17:58,285
Holy crap, it's mark wahlberg's
seven freckle-chested sisters
420
00:17:58,329 --> 00:17:59,370
From the fighter.
421
00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:02,456
I'm sorry, ladies,
you have to leave.
422
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:04,041
What? For why?
423
00:18:04,085 --> 00:18:06,627
We caught you
sneaking outside beers
424
00:18:06,671 --> 00:18:08,003
Into the adoption fair.
425
00:18:08,005 --> 00:18:10,297
If you're going to be
at the adoption fair
426
00:18:10,341 --> 00:18:13,092
You have to buy
adoption fair beers.
427
00:18:13,094 --> 00:18:15,177
Fine, we'll drink
in the parking lot.
428
00:18:15,179 --> 00:18:17,054
Whatever kid doesn't get picked,
429
00:18:17,056 --> 00:18:18,931
Just leave him outside.
430
00:18:18,933 --> 00:18:21,142
Hey, April, check out that one.
431
00:18:21,185 --> 00:18:23,060
Whoa, now that's a good-looking
432
00:18:23,104 --> 00:18:25,855
Government subsidy right there.
433
00:18:25,898 --> 00:18:29,358
-Um, hi there.
-Hey, bud.
434
00:18:29,402 --> 00:18:33,028
I see you got the same
aaron hernandez tattoo I got.
435
00:18:33,072 --> 00:18:35,197
Want to come live with us?
We live near an overpass
436
00:18:35,241 --> 00:18:37,783
And we got lots and lots
of d batteries to throw.
437
00:18:41,497 --> 00:18:43,789
Go on, get out of here.
438
00:18:46,919 --> 00:18:48,961
Have a great life
with your seven moms.
439
00:18:49,005 --> 00:18:50,671
Well, one of 'em will be my mom.
440
00:18:50,715 --> 00:18:52,423
Six of 'em
will be my girlfriend.
441
00:18:52,466 --> 00:18:55,134
[short chuckle]
the dude's a legend.
442
00:19:01,726 --> 00:19:04,810
Hey, baby. I want to party
with that ice cream cone.
443
00:19:04,854 --> 00:19:07,104
Five bucks and I'll sit on it.
444
00:19:08,941 --> 00:19:10,274
Hey. Hey.
445
00:19:11,652 --> 00:19:14,945
Twenty bucks if you'll mash
a chipwich with your knee.
446
00:19:14,989 --> 00:19:16,614
[sighs]
447
00:19:16,657 --> 00:19:18,324
Let's see the chipwich.
448
00:19:18,326 --> 00:19:20,993
No! He doesn't do knee stuff.
449
00:19:21,037 --> 00:19:23,245
What is wrong with you sickos?
450
00:19:23,289 --> 00:19:24,997
What happened to you, man?
451
00:19:25,041 --> 00:19:26,916
This is all I'm good for, meg.
452
00:19:26,959 --> 00:19:29,210
It's... It's all
people see me as.
453
00:19:29,253 --> 00:19:31,128
That's not true, chris.
454
00:19:31,172 --> 00:19:32,796
You have so much to offer,
455
00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:35,466
And I've got something
for you.
456
00:19:35,509 --> 00:19:36,800
Buttercream?
457
00:19:36,844 --> 00:19:39,470
You bet your ass, buttercream.
458
00:19:40,473 --> 00:19:41,805
Wait.
459
00:19:41,849 --> 00:19:44,058
This one we do together.
460
00:19:45,811 --> 00:19:47,811
[laughing]
461
00:19:47,855 --> 00:19:49,980
["love life us up where we
belong" by joe cocker
& jennifer warnes playing]
462
00:19:49,982 --> 00:19:54,235
♪ love lift us up where we belong ♪
463
00:19:55,821 --> 00:19:58,072
♪ where the eagles cry. ♪
464
00:20:04,372 --> 00:20:06,956
So, chris,
after your recent adventure
465
00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:09,541
Behind the scenes
of the adult video world,
466
00:20:09,585 --> 00:20:12,253
You're probably not even
able to enjoy pornography any--
467
00:20:12,338 --> 00:20:14,129
Wrong!
468
00:20:14,173 --> 00:20:16,924
Uh, okay.
Well, I got to go to
469
00:20:17,009 --> 00:20:18,175
The county registrar's office.
470
00:20:18,219 --> 00:20:20,302
Need to re-register
our business as inactive
471
00:20:20,346 --> 00:20:22,263
And change our filing status.
472
00:20:22,265 --> 00:20:23,264
♪
473
00:20:23,307 --> 00:20:26,141
♪ undoing a corporation ♪
474
00:20:26,143 --> 00:20:29,895
♪ is surprisingly complicated ♪
475
00:20:29,939 --> 00:20:32,189
♪ but it still doesn't make ♪
476
00:20:32,233 --> 00:20:35,818
♪ for a good montage. ♪
477
00:20:35,861 --> 00:20:38,362
Hey, gavin.
Yeah, it's dad.
478
00:20:38,406 --> 00:20:41,490
Well, the court say I get
two guaranteed calls a week,
479
00:20:41,534 --> 00:20:44,159
So I'm calling.
[chuckles]
480
00:20:44,203 --> 00:20:47,413
Can you please tell your mother
to get off the extension?
481
00:20:47,456 --> 00:20:50,457
No, in-person visits
have to be supervised,
482
00:20:50,501 --> 00:20:52,876
But the calls do not
have to be supervised,
483
00:20:52,920 --> 00:20:55,421
So she can
get off the phone now.
484
00:20:55,464 --> 00:20:59,049
Daddy knows what mommy's
breathing sounds like, bud.
485
00:20:59,051 --> 00:21:01,260
Get off the phone, janet!
36160
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