All language subtitles for Last.Christmas.2019.HDR.2160p.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x265-ROCCaT.srt - eng(5)

You look like you need another.

-What are you, psychic?
-Look deep into my eyes.

Yeah. You're feeling very thirsty.

Oh, you are very good.

And...

-Oh, yeah, this is your favorite song.
-That was so psychic.

No, that was you playing it
four times in a row.

Well, love me, love George Michael.
We're kindred spirits.

-How so?
-We're both singers.

Uh, we're both famously misunderstood
and underappreciated in our time.

All that's gonna change, 'cause tomorrow
I've got a big audition for the West End.

And you, uh, came into town for it?

No, I, uh, moved out on my flatmate today.

-So, what, you're gonna move back home?
-Oh, kill me now.

-Uh-oh. Family issues.
-Yeah. Let me count the ways.

Uh, anger, shame, resentment,
embarrassment-- And that's just my mum.

-Do you want to hear about my sister?
-No.

Okay, so what's your plan?

I'll figure it out, you know.
It'll be fine. Something will turn up.

Or someone.

Mm.

Morning, gorgeous.

This bed,
it's like sleeping on a pile of kittens.

If that thought's comfortable
and not completely horrifying.

I'm gonna dash down the street.

I need some ginger root, fresh beets,
for my famous breakfast power juice.

-Cool.
-And a cappuccino while you wait.

Wow.

And lashings of hot water
if you fancy a shower.

-Bliss.
-I'll be right back.

Ah...

Surprise!

Guess who got back
from the conference a day early.

God, I've missed you.

-God, who are you?
-I'm the... plumber.

-The plumber?
-Look, this isn't what it looks like.

-I needed a bed for the night, and he--
-Ed.

Ed was just so understanding.

I have gobs of issues, all right?

Accommodation,
because I've run out of options

because I've really messed up
for a number of reasons.

-And he--
-Ed.

Ed just seemed to get that.

Did you shag him?

Oh!

Look, you took my bag--

Ow!

Why is my life so shit?

Oh...

It's not funny, Klaus.

It's incredible how unfunny it is.

Christ.

Oh, I'm sorry, George.

Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.

Hey, you're early.

You are never early. What are you up to?

Accommodation issues.

Mm. So the usual.
What did you do this time?

-Fry someone's fish?
-No. No, that was last week.

You are going to run out
of friends with sofas.

You have been sick.
You need to take care of yourself better.

-Santa, I didn't know you cared.
-I don't care.

I just don't want you to drop dead
in front of the customers.

I don't have enough tinsel
to cover your corpse.

Get to work, Elf.

I don't know.
You're gonna have to help me decide.

-They're both so darling.
-I tell you what.

Let's pretend Mary had twins,
and you can get both.

-You must just love your job.
-Love it.

It's like being in a dream.

All the joys and the love of Christmas

every single day of the year.

-Now, which baby is it going to be?
-He's gorgeous, but this one--

-He looks like he's having a lot of fun.
-Oh, yeah, and a lot more to come.

But this one? Look at him.
He's more like my idea of---

-Jesus Christ.
-You think so too?

-Katarina.
-Excuse me for just one moment. Santa!

-I need a word.
-I'm at work. You could've called.

You're not answering your phone. Remember?

I've come from work.
I need to get back, so get out here.

That's my analyst. So sorry.
Santa, can you get down here, please?

Please? Thank you.

Santa?

Are you there?

Mum needs you to ring her.

Every time she contacts you
and gets no response, she contacts me.

Yesterday, 17 times. Just do it.

Oh, don't just stand there
issuing commands. I am an adult.

You are the furthest thing from an adult
that I know.

I need time to myself.

I'm asking you to do a single thing,
Katarina.

-It's "Kate."
-Whatever. Just ring her. Contact her.

Give me one good reason.

You've missed five doctor's appointments.

You've got one tomorrow, which you know.
You have to be there.

She's also planning a dinner
to celebrate my promotion.

And you not ringing her
is seriously affecting my life.

Will you be inviting Alba to the dinner?

Just ring your mother.

Christ.

Jenna, it's me. Listen, darling,
I'm sorry to leave this message.

I just really need a bed for the night.
Even possibly a few nights.

You're my bestie. Please. I know. Just--

Hey, Elf!
This is my elf. Santa has elves, you know.

Little helpers.

I have nicknamed her "Lazy the Elf"
because she appears never to work.

That's me.

She could also be called
"Crushing Disappointment the Elf."

-I'm just--
-"Waste of Payroll the Elf,"

"Bleeding Me Dry the Elf,"
"Why on Earth Is She Even Here the Elf."

-What?
-Jesus.

-Where did you come from?
-What are you looking at?

Look. There. You see it?

- Ah.
- Just above the lip of the roof there.

It's quite unusual
to see a bird like that in town.

Blimey.

-Oh, damn it!
-Here. I think it just pooed in your eye.

Yeah, I think so.

- Good-bye, my people.
- Sorry.

Ow.

-Where have you been?
-Oh. A shitting bird just shat in my eye.

-Is there a bird in here?
-No.

Some bloke was outside the shop
playing silly buggers.

Maybe you can focus your attention

on the silly buggers inside the shop.

Oh! My phone. Sorry. Sorry.

I'm sorry, Santa.

Yeah! Jenna? Yes!

Thank you so much. Thank you so much.
I'll be with you around 8:00. Okay.

-Get off the phone, Elf!
-Okay, I got to go. Bye.

-I'm just gonna get the shit out my eye.
-Time to sparkle!

Just hear those sleigh bells jinglin'
Ring-ting-tinglin' too

There you are, sir.
Enjoy your festive hybrid Hanukkah bush.

-Merry Christmas to you. Thank you.
-Thank you. Take care.

- Your mother again?
- I curse the day I was born.

-Me too.
-Ha. Funny, no.

I installed everything on her phone,
from Snapchat to Instagram.

It means I can disappoint her
in more ways than ever.

-Mothers are hell.
-Oh, yeah.

Mm. Hello.

-Leave him to me.
-Oh?

You'll just flirt with him,
and he'll forget to buy anything.

-Hi.
-How can I help you?

Wouldn't mind finding him in my stocking.

-Hi.
-Ah! Hi. Hi.

-I came in to check on your eye.
-It's fine.

-It's good luck, you know.
-What is?

Getting pooed on by a bird.

-Bollocks is it.
-No, seriously.

So I thought I'd see if you fancied
a little stroll with me.

Oh, that's my luck,
going for a stroll with you?

Might be.

Look, did you find me on Swiper?

-Swiper?
-Yeah.

The modern dating application
you might have heard of.

Oh. So not.

-To be honest, you're not really my type.
-To be honest, you're not really mine.

Well, maybe we should just leave it then.

I do like a challenge though.

You considered BASE jumping?

-Japanese blowfish?
-No, I have.

But right now
I'm considering a stroll with you.

Consider away, because it's a no.

Is there anything I could improve upon
to, say, persuade you?

-No.
-Any reason in particular?

Because you're weird,
this is weird, and I don't know you.

So, please, could you just leave, okay?

-Shoo. Just go. Just go.
-Hold on. This is weird.

Weirder than Grabber or Swiper
or whatever it's called?

Yeah.

Oh, just--

Weirder than total strangers
deciding on one Photoshopped image

whether or not to engage
in immediate foreplay?

I'm busy. You're weird. Good-bye.

Um...

Do you need any--

-Good evening.
-Good eve--

Can I help you?

I think so.

Go on then.

What is it you were looking for?

Uh...

this.

That is very nice.

It's Mr. Claus, I believe.

Yes.

Upon his vehicle.

Yes.

Do you have something dissimilar?

Yes. We have many dissimilar items.

For instance, this Christmas gibbon.

It is amusing.

I think so too.

I'll come back for it.

Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Wow. That was like watching
a short Scandinavian film.

Are you all right?

-Yes, I'm fine.
-Wait. Hang on. Did you like him?

You're so mysterious, I can't tell.

- Of course not.
- Oh, my God, you did like him.

I don't know anything about him.

And you're fantasizing, Elf,

because all you seem to think about
these days is sex.

Ooh.

-Oh, my God! He's coming back.
-Where?

Got you. I knew you liked him.

Well, now I know. You like your men
tall, shy and translucent.

Like a squid,
but with bones and less legs.

Shut up, lock up, and good night.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, shit.

Arse, head and hole!

Piss off, Klaus!

Sorry! Late for an audition.

Sorry! Bugger!

No, no! Please wait! Please wait!
Please wait!

He was-- He was very good.

Not for me.

-Charming.
-Jarring.

- I would put him in "maybe plus."
- "Maybe plus."

Hi.

-Hi. Sorry.
-Hi. Oh.

- So sorry. I'm late.
- Sorry.

The auditions are closed now.

I was on the list. My name's Kate Andrich.

There was a terrible accident
on the way here.

Was Santa involved?

She was, actually, yeah.

"She"? Oh, is this like
a "God being a woman now" thing?

Oh, no. These are my work clothes.
Don't worry about it.

Where do you work? Elf and Safety?

Not exactly.

Uh, I'm so sorry. You're gonna have to

-come back next time.
-It's too late.

You know what? Let her go. Who knows?
She might be the next Streisand.

We don't know. Plus, I've never seen
an elf audition before.

Um, yeah. Take it away,
you weird little North Pole-ian.

It's Kate. Where can I plug in my music?

The sound engineer's gone home.

-Great.
-A cappella. The penalty for lateness.

Yeah, I can do that. Okay. Sure.

Okay.

-You've got the part.
-Don't I need to--

Oh, uh, sorry. No, no, no, it was--

It was shit.

-You. Again.
-What do you mean, "again"?

-Did you follow me here?
-No, I made a delivery here.

-Yeah?
-Are elves always so cynical?

Yes, relentlessly. These are dark times.

So having not followed you here,
and having made my delivery,

and you having bumped into me by chance,

here we are.

"Here we are"?

Well, for instance,
we could go for a walk.

Why do you keep trying to
take me for a walk? I'm not a dog.

-You are wearing a collar.
-Oh, LOL. You know what?

-I'm just not in the mood for a walk.
-Why?

Well, fine. Okay.

I was just incredibly bad at what I do

in front of people
who could've given me a job.

I thought you had a job.

Yes, but it's not what I "do" do.
I'm not a career elf.

What do you do?

Sing.

Wow. That's pretty amazing.

I just can't seem to... at the moment.

Anyway, boring, boring, boring.
La, la, la.

I'm not bored.

-Actually, who are you?
-I'm Tom.

Kate.

-Why are you so flexible?
-Why are you dressed like an elf?

You know why. And you know what?

I have had my fill of utterly hilarious
elf jokes for one night.

Cover me.

-Here?
-Here.

You are now my cupboard door.

-Do you do this often?
-Only when I have to.

-Oh, piss off. Nice covering.
-I'm trying my best here.

Okay. Oh, no. Hang on.

-Where are we going?
-This way. Come on.

Oh...

Look at that.

-You never seen this alleyway before?
-Nope.

This is the narrowest alley in London.

My mate Hendo calls it
"Fat Man's Squeeze."

-It's pretty cool, though, isn't it?
-Sure. Why not?

I like hidden places.

Has anyone ever told you there's something
slightly serial killer-y about you?

No. Come to think of it,
no one's ever said that to me before.

-Ah.
-Never more than once, anyway.

-Why are you always dancing about?
-Look up.

Oh, wow.

-Are they mice?
-Yeah, I think so.

There must be a story attached to them.
I'll have to find out one day.

-Yeah. I mean, it's very--
-Come on.

You are so strange.

-You're so weird!
-Keep looking up.

Oh. Ow!

-You okay?
-No!

Just my luck.
I face-plant into a pile of rubbish

because I wasn't looking where
I was going like a bloody normal person.

-You're not used to looking up.
-Or smelling like a bin.

-Have you seen this?
-Seen what?

- Oh, my God!
- Yeah.

I've walked down this street many times.
I've never seen that before.

Like I say, follow me.

This is cool.

Welcome to my secret little garden.

I had no idea this existed.

Not many people do.

Oh.

Ooh. Have a look over there.

-It's Gideon.
-Yes.

-He's recently divorced.
-Oh.

He owes £748 in child support.

How do you know?

I heard him have a very loud
phone conversation behind that shrub.

He probably thought
no one could hear him.

-Oh, and that's Geoff, a Mafia don.
-Really?

No. He works at Burger King.

He's also a vegan, so very conflicted.

Who's she?

That's Ursula.
She lives in the flats round the back.

She runs a brothel down in Bethnal Green.

Some of the girls used to come,
take a seat,

have a chat, and then go back to work.

Do you think
she was giving them tips?

No. More like a bit of support.

-I want to talk to her.
-No, you can't do that. No, no.

Everyone keeps everyone's secrets here.
It's like an unspoken rule.

You just told me Gideon's.

Fair point.

You're one of us now.

So when's your next audition?

-Saturday. It's for Frozen.
-What's that?

You-- You really don't know?

-No, really.
-Okay.

It's a film about two sisters who used
to get on really well, and then don't,

because one of them
has a problem with ice.

And the production is on ice!

Huh. So you can skate as well as sing?

-No.
-You can't skate?

Never tried it.
I'm gonna wing it. It'll be cool.

-I really enjoyed our walk today.
-Ditto.

Would you like to repeat the experience?

-Would you like to give me your number?
-I don't have a phone.

I was just beginning to think
you're not as weird as you look.

Before you throw me in the bin
with the rest of your battered conquests,

it's not completely true--
I do have a phone.

-It's just locked in a cupboard.
-Why?

I got so tired of staring
at my hand all day. You should try it.

That's like saying you should try death.

-Somebody really wants to get hold of you.
-Someone really isn't gonna get a chance.

No.

Ditch that.
All of your stresses will just melt away.

Oh, but I just like stress.

Oi. You getting on?

-Yeah.
-Your chariot awaits.

Indeed.

-I'll see you at the store.
-Okay.

-And don't forget-- look up.
-Oh, for God's sake, shut up, will you?

- Hi.
- Hi. Thank you so much.

-Thank you so much.
-It's okay.

And your suite, madame. Ta-da!

You called just before we got the crib up,
so there was still room.

Yeah. This is gonna be so good
for my sex life.

-Hey, Ruf.
-Hey, Kate.

-Thanks for this.
-Holding up?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, fine. Totally fine.
-How's it all been?

-Reentry and all that. How's Santa?
-Oh, you know, fine.

Her usual curt, Asian self.

I thought you might have
decided to move on.

No, no.

With something that started
as a Saturday job?

Yeah. Comfy where I am.

And what about your folks and Mad Marta,

-with her law firm and her briefcase?
-Oh.

I stay out of contact with the crazies,
just to give myself a bit of space.

-Are the doctors keeping in touch?
-How about being pregnant? Huh?

-For crying out loud, how's that?
-It's a total conspiracy, is what it is.

-Yeah?
-They lie to you about pregnancy.

You know the whole glowing,
mother-to-be image you see in the ads?

It's just bollocks. Genuine bollocks.

It's just a nine-month-long trauma

-spent piddling into cups...
-Of course it is.

...being poked up the vag
by strangers with cold hands,

and if men had to do this shit,
we would have contraceptive beer.

Actually, if men had to do it,

- the human race would just die out.
- Shh.

No, Ruf. I know you know all this,
and I know you're fed up with feminism--

I'm not fed up with feminism.
No, I mean she's not listening.

That's not right.

This is a fish knife. I'm trying to cut
a passion fruit with a fish knife.

-If anyone can do it, you can.
-It's your fault. You did this.

-Hi.
-Come and grab some food.

Oh, yeah.

Oh! Good sleeping.

Anyone up for a, you know, pizza?
Bottle of Rioja?

Mm. Celiac.

-Oh, yeah. I forgot.
-And preggers.

So we ain't drinking either, party girl.

Okay. Well, I'm off out.

Okay. I'll see you later.
I won't be too late. I promise.

Yeah, all right. Peace out.

Don't. She's my oldest friend.

-I know it seems like she's--
-The most selfish woman in the world?

Oof. Harsh. She's been ill.

I'm over the galleon, but one more thing,
and my legendary patience will crumble.

Don't bring that up.
She burned her eyebrows off.

Her eyebrows will grow back.
You know what won't grow back?

- Oh, my--
- My matchstick galleon.

No, I agree. One, and she's out.

Wakey, wakey, London.
Here's something to start your day.

No! Not again! Stop. Shh.

-You take me for full English now?
-No. You had the full English last night.

Hi.

Morning. Hello.

Happy? A good morning.
It's brilliant. It's lovely, isn't it?

Wow. Someone looks not rested.

What? Me? No, fine. Totally fine.

- Able to leap sofas in a single bound--
- Oh, my God! No, no, no!

-Just gonna write this out for you.
-They've had a right go, haven't they?

-Probably just kids.
-Yeah, I reckon it's just kids.

I just said. This is your crime number.
You'll need it for insurance.

-What happened?
-Break-in, I'm afraid.

Very common this time of year.

-Place like this is a prime target.
-Lovely, it is.

Is that a crocodile with pom-poms?

-Yes.
-And, uh, who's this?

This is my employee.

She locked up last night,
so please ask her if she saw anything.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

-Are you writing that down?
-How do you spell "ordinary"?

Well, we're done here.
We'll be in touch if we hear anything.

-Mm, pity. It's a lovely place.
-It is. I love Christmas.

No, you don't.

You make "have a merry Christmas"
sound like a death threat.

What are you talking about?

-Merry Christmas.
-Have yourself a merry Christmas, yeah?

-You see? You just did it.
-What do you mean?

Let me get my phone out.

I'll record you, and you'll realize
you sound like Jason Statham.

That's a good thing,
'cause I love Jason Statham,

-so that's not an insult.
-Santa, I--

-Don't talk to me.
-But, listen, I--

I said, "Don't talk to me."
You forgot to lock up.

Don't deny it.

I can pay you back.

Now, you listen to me,
and you listen good.

You were great at your job
when you started.

That's why I took you on full-time.

You've got a way with people,
and I felt so lucky to have you.

-Thanks.
-But I don't feel lucky anymore.

Since you came back,
you started losing your shit.

It's like you don't care about anything.

So now, you care about this.

I had to smash my own window
to make it look like a break-in.

Otherwise I wouldn't get the insurance.

You turned me into someone
who broke the law.

I can't believe I'm even giving you
another chance, but I am, because...

-I am a good person.
-Yeah.

But one more thing, and you're out.

So clean up your mess,
you stupid, stupid girl.

Hey.

Hey.

Were you coming to see me?

-No.
-Oh.

-Great.
-You okay?

Yeah. No, we had a break-in,

-and Santa's taken it really badly.
-Right.

And I got chucked out of my digs
this morning, so I've got nowhere to stay.

-Hmm.
-Anyway, I'm homeless again.

That bad, huh?

Yep.

Okay.

-You should come with me then.
-You were so coming to see me.

-Mm-mmm.
-Yep.

-Nope.
-Yep.

Not in your wildest dreams.

-Uh, yeah.
-This way.

- Yeah, you were coming to see me.
- Uh-uh.

Here we are.

- What is this?
- Your people. The homeless.

Oh, Christ.

Well, thanks, Bono

or Mother Teresa or whoever wins
the moral superiority prize.

You're the one
who used the word "homeless."

I meant I haven't got a place
to stay that I've chosen.

I choose not to go back
to my parents' house.

-And they live here in London?
-Yeah, kind of, sort of.

Christ, if I'm going home,
I'm gonna need a drink.

How about you leave it,
and you go home alarmingly sober?

Bugger off,
person who has never met my parents.

Okay.

Where are you going?

-I'm going in there.
-Well, you're not homeless?

No, I volunteer in here.

Christ, why don't you just get "saint"
tattooed on your forehead?

Oh, boy. Just can't help it, can you?

Help what?

Never mind. Good luck.

-Oh.
-Good night.

Hi. Yeah, I need a cab.

I honestly think she preferred it
when I was ill.

You know? Like it made her
more important, more center-stage.

And all she's done, really,
since the operation,

is try to interfere and control my life.

How do you even know if you have a life?

Does anything official arrive
that tells you?

Like an envelope that's like,
"Dear so-and-so.

You now have a life.
We wish you'd get on with it."

-Hmm.
-Oh, everything's just such a mess.

How did I even get here?

Through the tunnel.

Yeah.

Here we are.

Mm. Thanks, Dad.

You coming in?

No, no, no. Your mother is still up.

I like to wait until she's asleep.

She talks less.

Why don't you just get a divorce, huh?
Been avoiding each other for years.

Ah. No, divorce is for the rich.

Ah.

Get some rest, Katarina. You look done in.

It's "Kate."

Ah.

Don't pick up anyone dodgy.

Yeah.

Love you.

Oh.

Mum?

Mum, would you let me in?

Mum? Would-- Mum!

Nailed it shut. Mental.

KGB! Open up! KGB!

Stop. Stop. You are very bad girl.

-Would you prefer the KGB?
-KGB--

You don't make joke about
what you don't understand.

Yeah, well, can I just come in?

What you done? You look like dead person.

Oh, yeah. Thanks. Great parenting. Great.

-Why don't you ring me? You have phone.
-It's broken.

Why you say that? Why you not ring me
when I worry about you?

Not to hear nothing.

No call, no Twitter, no Snapchat shot.

I think, "She's dead, she's had lapse,

she's never coming home,
like her father who is never here."

-My life is hell, Katarina.
-It's "Kate." It's "Kate."

"Kate" is not a name. "Katarina" is name.

Katarina. Cat is animal. Cat, dog.

What I call Marta? Dog.
I call you cat. Meow.

Yeah, no, great, but can I get some sleep?

One of us should sleep.

I don't sleep.

This is very--

-This is naughty.
-Yeah.

-Mum! Can I please just go to sleep?
-Yes, you sleep. We talk morning.

-You are clean, hmm?
-Yeah, yeah.

-Pillow. Pillow.
-Okay. Yeah, it's a pillow.

-Head. Sleep.
-Yeah, I'm gonna--

-Mm.
-Yeah, okay.

-Okay. Good night.
-Naughty.

Oh, God.

So, tell me about the diet.
Keeping up with the fruit and veg?

Yeah, fine.

She's eating rubbish when she is outside.

When she's at home,
she's eating my food, and it's good.

I'm sure it is. What about sleep?

-It's all right.
-She never sleeps.

Exercise?

-Religiously.
-Not at all.

-Alcohol?
-Every once in a while.

Oh, she's drinking like the pirate.

- You say you're okay.
- Yep.

And your mother says the opposite.
Who do I believe?

-Me, obviously.
-Me, the mother, of course.

All right, all right, listen.
There's nothing conclusive here,

but you, Kate,
you've got to take care of your heart.

You need to rest more,
eat better, drink less,

and stop being so angry.

Da.

And you, Mrs. Andrich,
you need to worry less.

I not sleeping. Can you please
give me something for sleeping?

Mrs. Andrich, you've been given
everything there is

for sleep, anxiety, panic attacks,
the lot.

You have the best that
modern medicine has to offer.

-Then what can I do?
-Join a club. Hmm? Talk to other people.

Enjoy time with your friends.

-All my friends were murdered.
-Okay, fine.

Thank you so much for your time.
Let's go, Mum. Come on.

-Come on. I know. Out we get.
-Thank you.

-Sorry. Let's go.
-We'll see you in a month.

Thank you!

Bloody hell.

Can I help?

No.

I'm having a self-pity party.

Ooh. Am I invited?

Only if you promise to judge me.

Oh, you definitely don't need
any help doing that.

Or maybe you do.

I'm very good at tidying up.

Yes.

These expensive?

Just--

Idiot. Follow me.

Ah. Ta-da.

All right, Mr. Muscle,
you can get to refreshing that tree.

-This one?
-Yeah.

Going home always makes me crazy.

-How was it?
-Hell. Mum sung me to sleep.

You're the only person who can make being
sung to sleep sound like waterboarding.

Well, it's not that dissimilar.

These, um, folk songs
make you want to string yourself up.

Is that where you get your singing from?

Yeah, she was a singer
back in the homeland.

-Where was that?
-Former Yugoslavia.

We had to escape.

-Because of the war?
-Exactly.

Mm. Must have been hard.

Yeah. Dad was a lawyer.

Um, and now he stays away from home
as much as he can

because he'd rather be dead.

Except he's a minicab driver,
which is sort of the same thing.

Can he not practice here?

No, he couldn't afford to retrain,
so he's out all the time.

Also to avoid my mother,
who's given to depression

in much the same way as, um--

What?

You're looking at me like some sort of
science experiment that's gone wrong.

Sorry. No, I'm interested.

Hmm.

Your mother-- when was the last time
you saw her not being depressed?

Ooh, I think when I got really ill.

And she was happy about that?

No, but she was happy about the attention.

I mean, I got a lot of attention,
but I was unconscious.

She got more.

The doctors, the nurses,
the hospital staff.

Drama. God, she loved it.

She sort of flowered under it,
like a late blossoming or something.

Anyway, when I got better,
it all went away,

and she's just never been the same since.

Maybe she enjoyed being needed again.

Oh, trust you to come up
with something understanding.

That is truly horrific.
I mean, who buys this stuff?

Santa.

She's Chinese, so she's got access
to some really freaky outlets.

She just loves Christmas
more than anything else.

-More than taste or sanity.
-Yes, exactly.

And that isn't even
the nastiest thing we sell.

-Inconceivable.
-Hang on.

-Dun, dun, dah!
-Oh!

- Check it out.
- What is it?

-Is that donkey actually smiling at me?
-Yeah. Yeah.

-And that baby has a full set of teeth.
-Oof.

I sold four of these last week.
I'm that good.

Oh, it's a techno manger.

Yeah. It's a disco nativity scene.

Is that really a good nutritional choice?

Oh, God, don't you start.

-Where are you?
-Look up.

Yeah.

After what you've been through,

shouldn't you be eating quinoa or kale
or something?

Yeah, but this admittedly rank burger

is all part of my grand plan
to become a famous singer

and die like Kurt Cobain,

Amy Winehouse and all the rest
at the age of 27.

-How old are you?
-45.

Oh. Good to have dreams.

Not really. I'm 26.

Oh, thank God. You still have time.

Come on. Get rid of that.

Let's go. I've got a surprise for you.

-Ugh. Really?
-Mm! Yummy!

There's something wrong with me.
I'm too trusting.

Down a dark alley again
with a complete stranger.

I don't even-- I mean, seriously--

-All right then.
-Need a hand?

No.

Oh.

-Oh, my God.
-That looked painful.

Yeah. I'm fine!

You're fine.
That was like poetry in motion.

-Piss off.
-Come on.

Sure. I never wanted kids anyway.

Okay. Now I am intrigued.

-How are you gonna dispose of my body?
-Shh!

I am shushing.

Stay back.

Are you seriously doing
a James Bond impression?

Now is not the time for unpleasantness.

Now is the time for romance!

You like?

I like, yeah.

Let's go.

-Oh, sorry!
-Oh, crap.

You can't be in here!

-Yeah, no.
-Sorry, no.

- We're leaving.
- Absolutely, we're leaving.

- Ow!
- I'm coming. I'm com--

I would--
I call that a successful date.

Fun, free, illegal, romantic.

And practical too. Don't forget.

Why practical?

Your audition.

-Remember?
-Yes.

I'd like to think that I played a part
in your rise to stardom.

Remember me when you're at the top.

No chance. Tom who?

Actually, Tom who?

Webster.

Ah. You look like a Webster.

Now what?

Now I've got to go to work.

Um...

You knew.

-I work nights.
-Yes.

I knew.

It's night. Cool. Okay.

How you gonna get home?

Oh, the bus.

You gonna be okay?

As okay as I'll ever be on the bus.

Okay, then.
I'll come find you at the shop.

I'm not sure if I've still got a job.
Santa kind of hates me.

Maybe you should do
something nice for Santa.

Good luck.

Look up.

Christ.

-So this is our selection of nutcrackers.
-Working hard over here.

-Mm.
-You know, from the ballet?

-Tchaikovsky?
-Ah!

Which kind of music is this?
I want something--

This is Christmas music.
You must enjoy it.

- This is a big nutcracker.
- Can my nuts fit inside there?

It depends
on how big are your nuts.

But it's too big.
We can't take that with us.

Santa, um,
I think I can take over from there.

Because, um, there's also someone here,

a gentleman who requires
your specific assistance.

Yes, you can have a look.
Think about it.

I'm gonna show you to the even
bigger nutcrackers around the corner.

There's bigger nuts?

For your big nuts. Here we are.

Have you come back for the gibbon?

Of all the things in my life,

this is my best thing.

What is?

Christmas.

Really?

This is why I love to come in here.

I also love it.
That is why I have this shop.

Wonderful. I can smell the commitment.

Do you know we have people turn up here,
never been on an ice rink before?

I just couldn't imagine.

Do you know we had a woman
turn up in a crop top?

-In a crop top to audition.
-I remember.

Do you remember her flip-flops?

Thank you. We'll be in touch.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

-I think she'd be good for the horse.
-Do you think so?

Oh, no!

Are you all right?

I, uh, I did that just in case
you thought I was too perfect.

Okay.

Okay.

Thank goodness
for a heavy woolen tight.

Idiot.

Skaters fall. It's fine.

So it went well, and I am happy.

Good.

All set for your date? Good Lord.

-Okay. Right, um--
-What?

We're just gonna need to dial this down.

I'm making an effort.

He's gonna think he's wandered
into the llama enclosure. Close.

-Ow.
-Mm-hmm.

-Ow.
-Yeah.

-Serves you right.
-So I defer to the Swiper queen.

-Blot.
-Mm.

There we are.

So, where is See-Through taking you?

-I have no idea.
-What's his name?

I can't pronounce it.
Lots of glottal stops.

Oh, when I try to say it,
I sound like a cat with a fur ball.

So I've decided to call him Boy.

Hmm. Well, at least your name's
easier to pronounce.

What? Huang Qing Shin?

You're not really called Santa?

Of course not, idiot.
I chose it for the shop.

Really?

When I worked at the pet shop,
I called myself Kitty.

-No.
-Mm-hmm.

And at the health food shop, I was Miso.

-No, no.
-Mm-hmm. Yes, yes.

Guess what it was in the bakery
on the Edgware Road.

-Uh... Crumpet? Sausage Roll?
-Muffin.

-Muffin?
-"Muff" for short.

-Excellent.
-More important is, how do I look?

Really hot.

-Did you just giggle like a girl?
-I am a girl.

-Not really.
-Oh, shut up.

And where's this man of yours?

The one you keep looking out
the window for instead of working.

I don't know. He hasn't got a phone.

Oh. He's wise.

-What is he doing with you?
-Nothing.

Hmm.

Don't worry, Elf. He'll turn up.

Hi. Excuse me. I'm looking for someone.

-Who's that then?
-Uh, Tom.

Ah, ah, ah.

-Would you like a biscuit, Arthur?
-Have you got a bourbon, Danny boy?

No, but can I press you
to a custard cream?

-Ooh. I wish somebody would.
-Tom, did you say?

Yeah, Tom. Um, he's tall--

Tom!

Take your pick, young lady.

Right. Yeah, see, the thing is,
he's not homeless.

What's he doing here then?

Um, well, he works here. Nights, I think.

Ah, I don't see the night lot, me.
He must be a volunteer.

- Yes. That's--
- Oi, Danny! Give us a hand?

Speaking of which,
be a pet and serve the teas

while I get the soup sorted.

And only two biscuits each, mind.
I'm not made of bloody biscuits.

And watch this one,
'cause last week he filled his pockets.

Come on then! Tea's up!

-I'm Tom. Ex-grenadier.
-Lovely. Um...

Will I do?

Do you know, actually,
it's a whole different Tom.

But would you like a biscuit?
I could make some tea.

-Just the two then?
-Just--

Anyone like a cup of tea?

Try and keep it down to ten. Oi, oi.

-Nice of you to volunteer.
-I didn't. I was press-ganged.

- You want to help us with the soup?
- No. Thank you, but no.

If Tom Webster does come in,
could you just tell him

that Kate needs to talk to him?

-Not "needs."
-"Would like"?

Yeah. Yeah.

-Got it.
-Yeah, 'cause he doesn't have a phone.

-Would you like soup? You've earned it.
-No, I'm good. Thanks.

Dan, what do you reckon?

Bit up herself, I thought.

And she's very happy.

- I show you picture.
- You showed me, Mum.

A little beautiful picture.

-Hey.
-Oh! Oh, at last!

-There she is.
-Hey, at last.

I was so worried. Where you are, huh?

I was volunteering
at a homeless shelter.

-What it mean?
-It means helping, Mum.

-You? Helping?
-Yes.

Sure, you were. And I
just rescued an orphan from a burning car.

Did I miss something?

Oh, wow.

I'm sorry.
The dinner to celebrate your promotion.

Second promotion. Great achievement.

Thank you, Dad.

- Now you are here, we have krem torta.
- I'm sorry.

-Seriously, Marta, I am sorry.
-It doesn't matter.

-Oh, thanks a lot, Mum.
-Your favorite.

I'm all right, actually.

Is there something wrong
with your favorite cake now?

No. I'm just not hungry.

There's always something, isn't there?
Like, you're hungry, you're not hungry.

You're tired, you're overexcited.
You've got a tummy ache.

Gosh, you're so tiresome, Katarina.

Marta, it's "Kate."

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

-You taught her this terrible word?
-Of course not.

Do you even know
what nabijem te na kurac means?

Yeah, I actually do.

It means, "I will nail you to my dick."

-Yeah, I knew that.
-Not "dick." "Penis."

Well, "dick" means "penis."

-Dick means penis?
-Dick means penis.

-No, Dick is our neighbor.
-It also means penis.

Dick, our neighbor, is called penis?

Dick is penis. Penis is dick.

-That's the same word.
-Would you stop saying dick and penis?

-Just-- I'm trying to explain.
-Whatever, you know?

-I'm just so bored of your shit.
-Marta, stop. She's ill.

-She's not ill anymore, Mum.
-She is not ill anymore, Petra.

And what you know?
What you know anything about this family?

-You're never here.
-I'm not ill anymore, all right?

She is still ill. Why is she still working
in silly Christmas shop

when she was always the bright one?

Shh.

You are very hard worker.

Wha-- Oh, right, yeah. Well, apparently,
with my pathetic, inferior little brain.

Now she's wasting her life,
which only a miracle save her.

-Wasting my life. Thanks, Mum.
-And you have job you dream of.

Yeah, except that I didn't dream of it,
did I? You did.

Dad can't be a lawyer here,
so I had to be,

no matter what I might have
actually wanted to do.

Would you rather drive minicab?

Look what it done to him.
He look thousand years old.

Oh, thanks.

And you, you sit there
and you think it's absolutely acceptable

to say that she's cleverer than me,

and I'm expected to swallow it
just because she's been ill.

Marta, calm down.

Don't you dare tell me to calm down,
all right?

-Marta--
-You don't care about anything,

Katarina, or Kate,
or whatever your name is now,

because you're ashamed of who you are.

Oh, I'm ashamed of who I am?

What about you? Where's Alba?

Shut up.

On your big celebration dinner,
where is your girlfriend?

Alba? Alba is-- Alba is Marta's flatmate.

And that's how it's always gonna be.
I bet she's really happy about that.

What she say?

God, you're a piece of work.

Marta.

-Marta.
-Marta.

Eh...

Eat. You look like skeleton.

I got to go.

Good-bye, Mum.

I will nail you to my dick.

- Hey. What're you doing out so late?
- Where have you been?

-What's up?
-"What's up?"

Me not being able
to find you is what's up.

You just-- You've been disappearing
for days on end.

-Two days.
-And I've been trying to find you.

So take your stupid phone out of
your cupboard and contact me. 'Cause--

Because I've just been really stupid.
I've been really, really stupid.

It's a bit of a stretch,
but have you had a couple drinks?

Oh, bugger off
with your cleanly manliness, all right?

Just go back to work. Leave me alone.

No, I've just come back
from helping the needy.

Great.

You know, just a bit of psych work.
I work with the severely distressed.

-When they get off on one.
-Oh.

In fact, you're severely distressed
and have just gone off on one,

so I'm glad
that we bumped into each other.

Shall we go get my phone
from that cupboard?

Okay.

Let's go.

Where are you taking me?

Home.

-It's down here.
-Yeah.

Come on in.

Oh, wow. You weren't kidding.

Place is so tidy.

-Come take a seat.
-No. I can't.

I'll crease something
or just spontaneously wee.

I'm gonna sit on the floor.

There's plenty of seats.

Nice landing.

You're not yourself.

No?

Maybe I'm wrong.

Wrong about what?

Maybe this is more you than anything.

I'm a mess.

Kind of.

In here.

When I was ill...

it was a heart thing.

Right.

I had a heart transplant.

I don't tell people 'cause they get weird,

but I don't think you'll get weird.

No.

Oh...

Is this okay?

They took out my heart.

They took it and threw it away,

and I--
and I don't know what they put back,

but it felt weird

and different and strange and--

and like I'd lost my most special part.

And they kept telling me
I was lucky to be alive.

But I didn't feel alive.

I just felt half dead.

Come here.

I was supposed to be special.

I didn't ask to be, but...

they made me feel special when I was ill,

and then I was special when I nearly died
and had a transplant, but...

then they just expected me to be normal
and get on with life.

There's no such thing as normal.

It's a stupid word.

Does a lot of damage.

Nothing feels right.

You're the only person

that makes me feel, like, I don't know...

solid.

Like I exist.

I'm a part-time cycle courier
who doesn't even have a phone.

I know.

It's pretty sad.

And I could sing before.

Turns out,

I can't do anything.

I think the whole being-special thing
is overrated.

I think just to be a human being is hard.

You know, really hard.

You seem to manage all right.

One thing someone said to me helped me.

"Every little action of the common day

makes or unmakes character."

It just means
that you're built of everything you do.

And that's okay.

Who am I?

I don't know.

What's all this "me" business anyway, hmm?

What's wrong with...

not knowing, you know, being inconsistent?

Just uncertain.

Why do you have to be anything?

Tom?

Yeah?

Can we lie down?

Absolutely.

-Come on.
-Okay.

-Oh. Gently does it.
-Oh, my God.

-Jump in there.
-Oh, the bed.

In the bed there.

Bed!

What--

Tom, I said "we."

This is close enough for now.
We hardly know each other.

Wha-- Uh.

What do you mean? We ju--

I told you everything there is to know
about me. There is nothing more to know.

You've just poured out
some very heavy-duty stuff.

I think you should just sleep for a bit.

Sing me to sleep?

-Like your mum?
-No, no.

Oh, dear God, not like my mum.

I'm a terrible singer, really.

-Everyone can sing.
-Mm-mmm. Not me.

You sing. You're the singer.

If I sing a lullaby...

will you kiss me good night?

Go to sleep.

They called today
the Brexit Betrayal Rally.

-And UKIP said...
-Mum?

-Mum?
-They hate us.

-You all right?
-They send us all back.

Hmm. You're early.

Don't tell me even your mother
kicked you out.

No, I'm just...
doing something for someone.

-How was your date?
-Really nice.

Are you really gonna call him Boy?

-He likes it.
-What does he do?

He's an expert on sauerkraut.

Mm, you're kidding.

I wish I were.

Now I must learn to love sauerkraut,

which will be hard
because I am not a sour person.

You'll do it for love.

Hey, there's a latte for you on the shelf.

What do you want?

Nothing.

Then why?

Uh...

'cause it's Monday.

Get to work.

Okay.

Okay.

Uh, you know we could book you
for causing an obstruction?

Oh, all right now,

PC Trenchant Old Baggage, leave her alone.

I'm just saying
she's causing an obstruction.

Turn a blind eye.

That is quite the slippery slope.

What next, huh?
Turn a blind eye to robbery?

-Oh, come on, you.
-Arson?

-Come on, now.
-Murder?

Oh.

-Less than minimum wage then.
-Oi.

Yeah, I know it's not much.

No, that's an hour of pure heart and soul.

That's riches, that is.

-Thanks.
-You're welcome.

So did you find your Tom, then?

Yeah.

Nice. Good for you.

Thank you.

I'm just gonna leave that right there.

Go nicely with your tea.

-See you soon.
-See you.

-See you later.
-Don't even know where that's been.

Dan, she doesn't have to help, you know.

Listen, I've seen more of these
little middle-class do-gooders

than you've had hot dinners, mate.

Dan, I can't take your attitude.
You're so negative.

Eat your mint.

So I didn't get that Frozen job.

You're fired.

It's funny.
I'm all right about it, actually.

I'm not sure how I feel about
the whole auditioning thing in general.

I'm not sure it's that good for me.
I might just give it a break.

-What's wrong with you?
-What?

That sounds like quite a healthy choice.

I haven't heard you make one of those
in a very long time.

Don't panic.
I will go out and get shit-faced later.

Hello, Boy.

It is a fermented mini cabbage hedge.

Blimey.

Thank you. It's beautiful.

It was my grandmother's.

Oh, that's lovely. That's very nice.

Mm. Go away.

£27.35,

some sort of a weird token thing

and a Strepsil.

-It's coming along nicely.
-Yeah, that's 'cause of Arthur.

Bollocks it is.

Arthur, you do know
that you don't have to audition.

-I want to.
-But you're in.

They'll think I'm a dick if I don't.

-Fair enough.
-Fair enough. Yeah.

This is my floor show.

-So how's your Tom?
-Oh, well, I just wish I knew.

I haven't heard from him in days.
He's disappeared again.

It's a bit annoying, if I'm honest.

He seems to be disappearing a lot.
Is he a magician?

Well, you never know.

Probably just scared
of what he feels about you.

You know, blokes and that.

Yeah.

-Well--
-Bon appétit.

Boom. Thank you.

-See you soon, Kate.
-Bye.

-Hi.
-Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

How have you been?

Missing you.

Missing and kissing. It's almost like
we're having a relationship.

Kate, there's something
I've got to tell you.

Oh, God.

The "there's something
I've got to tell you" moment. Okay.

Okay, let's go through the list. Um...

You're gay?

-No, it's--
-Married?

-No, there's--
-Uh, you need space?

-You can't depend on me.
-I don't depend on you.

Kate.

Who said anything
about depending on anyone?

Listen, you said it yourself.

You've been having a tough time
after all the trauma and--

-Look, I'm just worried--
-Oh, so now it's my issue?

-No, you--
-Look, if this is about commitment,

then you just need to say it, because I--

I can't do this anymore.

I look for you.

I look for you everywhere,
and you're never there.

And it makes me feel
really bad about myself.

And I'm finally getting better
and not feeling bad about myself.

I'm not gonna heal my heart...

and then give it to someone
who is going to break it.

-I won't.
-Kate--

Why don't you lot go back
to where you came from?

Yeah, you. Speak English,
or get out of my sodding country.

All of you!

-Hello.
-Hi. Alba?

-I'm Kate.
-Kate?

Katarina.

Yep. Just wondering if Marta was in.

She doesn't want to talk to you.

Yeah. Okay.

I understand. Uh...

Could you just tell her
that I'm very sorry?

That I will probably never stop
being sorry.

That I'm glad that she has you.

And I'm sorry that you and I never got
the chance to know each other.

- Wait.
- Oh, for God's sake.

-Hi. Look, I'm sorry about everything.
-Please don't come here uninvited again.

I wish Mum and Dad knew you were happy.

It's none of their business.

Saying sorry doesn't change everything.
You do understand that?

Yeah.

Oh, God. Hey.

Look--

We weren't so lucky, you and I.

Mum is a piece of work.
You're right about that.

But I guess maybe
we're all a bit damaged in this family.

And I do appreciate you stopping by.

One second.

Hey.

Hi.

I was just-- I was just wondering
if I could buy you a drink.

You look like you need another.

Actually, I don't.

I really don't.

Thank you though.

Thanks.

That is really nice. Mm.

Mm.

Was that physical intimacy?

That was minimal.

How's Boy?

Interesting. And weird.

I've never eaten
so much fermented cabbage.

Yuck. Have you had sex yet?

-No.
-Hmm. All right.

And have you had sex with Tom yet?

-No.
-So?

-No, it's never gonna happen.
-Why?

We-- He just won't commit because
he thinks I depend on him too much,

and he basically said that I had made
a career out of being a victim.

Hmm. I like this man.

Let me see. "A very messy Christmas."

Hi, Mum.

Ah, yeah.

They're not gonna send you back.

You live here. This is your home.

I know how it start.

They point a finger.

They say, "Those people,
they are reason your life is bad."

And people believe. They believe.

I know.

I blame the Poles.

Okay.

Okay.

Cup of tea?

Hmm? Nice cup of tea. Nice cup. Okay.

Cheers.

Sorry, mate.

Tell Rufus
this one's much harder to torch.

I nearly popped the baby out then.

And you don't belong to me

No, that one is down 30 thou.

-Yeah, it's a real turd of a flat.
-Tom?

Someone's here. Look, okay, bye.
Sorry. It's been a mad day.

I'm Andy. Sorry I'm so casual.

-Oh, that's okay.
-Are you Mrs. Challis?

-No. No, sorry.
-No, I didn't think you were.

No. Are you waiting for Tom?

Uh, I don't think so,
unless he's with you.

No, I just came to find him.

-Oh, he'll probably turn up.
-Right.

-So, shall we get started, then?
-Ooh, started on what?

Just taking a little look, huh?

Right. I've looked, and there it is.

Small but compact. It's neat.

-That's one of its selling points.
-It's for sale?

Oh, yeah.
Freehold, this one. Not for rental.

That's why he keeps it so tidy.

Oh, yeah.
There's no room for clutter here.

But there is plenty of storage space.

Voila. Ah. What have we got here?

Oh, my God.

Literally in the cupboard.
No wonder it died.

-I'll give it to him. Don't worry.
-Give it to who?

-Tom.
-Who's that then?

Tom, who lives here
but is selling the flat.

No. No one lives here.
It's been empty for months.

Maybe he was squatting.

What? Was there a squatter here?

-Oh, bloody hell!
-Um...

Excuse my language. It's typical, that is.

It's that probate stuff that stops us
from getting on with our jobs.

-"Probate"?
-Yeah. You know, when someone dies.

-It's a pain in the fundament.
-Who's died?

The previous owner.

-Who?
-Uh, someone Webster, I think.

Youngish bloke. Sad, really.

It was last Christmas, by all accounts.
Madam. Hello.

Madam? Are you all right?

Yeah.

You just sort of folded up.

-Are you really all right?
-Yeah.

Oi!

Why can I feel you?

Because I'm a part of you.

Take care of my heart.

I promise.

It was always going to be yours
one way or another.

You, you load of tossers, in.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa. Dora, Dora, Dora.
-And you're a tosser too.

I'm loving the work.
Wrong vibe, though, yeah?

-You can't call the audience names.
-And you're a wanker.

Don't I know it, Dora.

Hi.

Hello, hello, hello.

Um, right. So, I knew the lighting
would be crap, so I brought my own.

Yes, yes, yes. Thank you.
All right, we've got lots to get through.

I just want to say a massive thank-you to
everyone who's put so much hard work in.

Mum, for making the most ginormous
krempita I think everyone enjoyed.

My mother, ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you. Thank you.

You're famous for your krempita.

I'd like to thank everyone individually,
but Dan said no speeches were allowed.

Yeah. Now, get off, Elf.

Yes. Thank you, Daniel.

Seconds away. I just, um--

I just want to say this one thing.

We are so lucky to be alive.

Hear, hear.

We are so lucky
to be able to help each other

in little ways and in big ways.

The reason we are lucky is because

helping each other is, in fact,

what makes us happy.

Give us a song, Kate!

A song?

Yeah, I think I've got one up my sleeve.
-Do you recognize me?
-No!

Merry Christmas!

And now, on with the show!

-Nice!
-Amazing!

-Thank you, Alba.
-Marta is so--

She is so lucky to have you, because she--

she is very, very

bad cook, very bad.

Mum, that isn't a compliment.
That's just rude.

What is rude? Why? Why is rude?

I am being nice to Alba, your girlfriend.

What I say? Nothing. Katarina.

-Yes.
-Before we eat lesbian pudding--

-Yep.
-Mum!

What? You have your song,
your big song in party.

-Yes.
-I know I not so important to do that.

Oh, Mum!

-Hey, you are. Yes, you are.
-I not.

-Tell her she is. Yeah.
-Now I sing an old song from Croatia,

from my grandmother, for my family.

Oh, come on, Petra.
The war is over long time ago.

Stop killing us with the song.

-Sing it cheerfully, for God's sake.
-What it's mean, "cheerfully"?

Veselo. It's Christmas!