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1
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Having fun?
2
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Oh, it's amazing.
3
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- It's...
- I didn't realize stagette parties were this wild.
4
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It's the warm-up for your honeymoon.
5
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Now come on, follow the Leda.
6
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This way.
7
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Is this the happy couple?
8
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Sickening, isn't it?
9
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They want their fortune told.
10
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Please, I am not a gypsy, Rose-Louise.
11
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I am a trained tarotitian.
12
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Now...
13
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shall we see what the cards have in store?
14
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Oh.
15
00:01:50,507 --> 00:01:52,424
Oh.
16
00:01:52,925 --> 00:01:54,375
Uh-huh.
17
00:01:54,375 --> 00:01:55,376
When is the special day?
18
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This Saturday.
19
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Uh-oh.
20
00:01:58,796 --> 00:01:59,730
- What?
- What?
21
00:01:59,730 --> 00:02:02,648
I'm sorry, girls, but you can't possibly
22
00:02:02,648 --> 00:02:04,150
get married this Saturday.
23
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Didn't you know?
24
00:02:06,101 --> 00:02:08,103
Mercury is in retrograde.
25
00:02:08,103 --> 00:02:11,605
A time of extreme imbalance in the universe.
26
00:02:11,605 --> 00:02:13,489
Upheaval. Miscommunication.
27
00:02:13,489 --> 00:02:14,924
And misunderstandings
28
00:02:14,924 --> 00:02:17,866
resulting in serious discord for everyone.
29
00:02:17,876 --> 00:02:19,311
Oh...
30
00:02:19,311 --> 00:02:21,262
Yeah, but is it going to rain?
31
00:02:22,663 --> 00:02:24,664
Signing contracts, making pacts,
32
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Taking vows. No. No. Not now.
33
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It'll be a total disaster.
34
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A catastrophe. But...
35
00:02:31,669 --> 00:02:33,104
on a positive note,
36
00:02:33,604 --> 00:02:35,055
you'll redecorate your dining room
37
00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:37,022
around June in aqua and maroon.
38
00:02:37,022 --> 00:02:41,510
And it will be stunning.
39
00:02:50,017 --> 00:02:52,518
So, what do you get two dykes who have everything?
40
00:02:52,528 --> 00:02:56,520
Dykes don't have everything.
That's why they're so miserable.
41
00:02:56,520 --> 00:02:59,023
Well, unfortunately, matching penis transplants
42
00:02:59,023 --> 00:03:02,025
are a little pricey for a poor shopkeeper
like myself.
43
00:03:02,025 --> 00:03:04,009
Silver-plated dental dams?
44
00:03:04,510 --> 00:03:07,011
Ooh, a specially engraved double-headed dildo?
45
00:03:07,011 --> 00:03:08,464
How about stemware?
46
00:03:08,464 --> 00:03:10,465
Honey, dildos are stemware.
47
00:03:11,466 --> 00:03:12,466
A water buffalo.
48
00:03:12,466 --> 00:03:14,383
What?
49
00:03:14,383 --> 00:03:16,335
Lesbians are into endangered species.
50
00:03:16,335 --> 00:03:18,337
Yeah, unfortunately they aren't one of them.
51
00:03:18,337 --> 00:03:20,088
Oh, you guys are brutal.
52
00:03:20,098 --> 00:03:22,290
We need to get them something that shows we care.
53
00:03:22,290 --> 00:03:23,491
Something special.
54
00:03:23,495 --> 00:03:24,495
Well, I'd go shopping with you,
55
00:03:24,499 --> 00:03:26,493
but, uh, I'm actually picking out
56
00:03:26,493 --> 00:03:28,294
a very special gift for myself.
57
00:03:28,778 --> 00:03:30,662
Yes, boys. I have finally
58
00:03:30,672 --> 00:03:32,297
saved up enough cash
59
00:03:32,300 --> 00:03:33,798
whacking away on Teddy's house of porn,
60
00:03:33,798 --> 00:03:36,516
to buy me that brand new ass I've always wanted.
61
00:03:36,600 --> 00:03:39,186
You're really getting plastic surgery?
62
00:03:39,196 --> 00:03:41,403
The landscape is littered with slaves to beauty
63
00:03:41,403 --> 00:03:43,405
who have noses that are too small,
64
00:03:43,405 --> 00:03:44,906
tits that are too big.
65
00:03:44,906 --> 00:03:46,407
You could end up the next cosmetic casualty.
66
00:03:46,407 --> 00:03:48,341
It's true. What if they make a mistake?
67
00:03:48,341 --> 00:03:50,794
Like accidentally sewing up your asshole?
68
00:03:50,794 --> 00:03:52,711
Well, you'll just have to chew me a new one.
69
00:03:52,711 --> 00:03:54,213
You're so good at it.
70
00:03:54,222 --> 00:03:57,214
At least wait a week until Mercury's out of retrograde.
71
00:03:57,214 --> 00:03:59,717
Boy, you actually believe in that shit?
72
00:03:59,717 --> 00:04:02,169
There is evidence that upheavals in our solar system
73
00:04:02,169 --> 00:04:04,170
can cause disturbances here on earth.
74
00:04:04,180 --> 00:04:08,588
Blaming the planets for your fuck-ups is just
an excuse not to accept responsibility.
75
00:04:12,409 --> 00:04:13,393
Gentlemen!
76
00:04:13,393 --> 00:04:14,878
It's time to pick the winner
77
00:04:14,878 --> 00:04:17,830
of the Liberty Avenue AIDS hospice charity raffle.
78
00:04:19,832 --> 00:04:21,816
Now somebody's going on an all-expense paid trip for two
79
00:04:21,816 --> 00:04:25,202
to this weekend's white party in Miami.
80
00:04:25,202 --> 00:04:27,186
Can I get a drum roll please?
81
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:37,910
And the luckiest prick in Pittsburgh is...
82
00:04:37,910 --> 00:04:38,912
Brian Kinney.
83
00:04:43,849 --> 00:04:45,850
Yeah, I don't know. The planets
don't seem to be fucking with me.
84
00:04:47,351 --> 00:04:48,786
Oh, yeah? How do you plan to go away
85
00:04:48,786 --> 00:04:50,787
and still be at Melanie and Lindsay's wedding?
86
00:04:59,744 --> 00:05:01,745
Oh, no.
87
00:05:02,245 --> 00:05:03,246
Vic?
88
00:05:03,246 --> 00:05:05,748
- What's the matter?
- You okay, Uncle Vic?
89
00:05:06,248 --> 00:05:09,251
See for yourself.
90
00:05:09,251 --> 00:05:11,202
They're re-evaluating your disability?
91
00:05:11,202 --> 00:05:13,153
And if they take it away, there goes my share
92
00:05:13,153 --> 00:05:15,154
of our monthly income.
93
00:05:15,154 --> 00:05:16,639
Well, goddamn it!
94
00:05:16,639 --> 00:05:18,640
What kind of fucked up universe
95
00:05:18,640 --> 00:05:21,643
would snatch my brother from the jaws of death
96
00:05:21,643 --> 00:05:23,644
only to slowly starve both of us
97
00:05:23,644 --> 00:05:25,145
out of house and home?
98
00:05:25,645 --> 00:05:27,146
Ben says it's got to do with Mercury.
99
00:05:27,647 --> 00:05:28,614
Oh, does he?
100
00:05:28,614 --> 00:05:30,617
Look, don't panic. I can help out.
101
00:05:31,116 --> 00:05:32,551
No!
102
00:05:32,551 --> 00:05:33,551
Michael, this is a sign.
103
00:05:33,551 --> 00:05:35,553
If I lose my benefits, then...
104
00:05:35,553 --> 00:05:37,554
I'll just have to get back to work.
105
00:05:37,554 --> 00:05:40,023
Are you sure?
106
00:05:40,023 --> 00:05:42,024
Once upon a time, I was a pretty decent chef.
107
00:05:42,024 --> 00:05:44,492
Decent?
108
00:05:44,492 --> 00:05:45,493
Decent?
109
00:05:45,493 --> 00:05:47,845
He was another Sara Lee.
110
00:05:47,845 --> 00:05:48,829
I'll take that as the compliment
111
00:05:49,330 --> 00:05:52,331
That I'm sure was intended.
112
00:05:52,331 --> 00:05:54,333
The trick will be finding somebody willing to hire me.
113
00:05:54,333 --> 00:05:55,767
Well, there's no shortage of restaurants.
114
00:05:56,268 --> 00:05:58,752
There's also no shortage of chefs.
115
00:05:58,752 --> 00:06:00,254
I'm rusty as an old skillet.
116
00:06:00,721 --> 00:06:02,673
And when they find out why I haven't been working,
117
00:06:03,156 --> 00:06:05,091
their souffles will drop.
118
00:06:05,591 --> 00:06:07,593
Would you stop talking yourself out of a job
119
00:06:07,593 --> 00:06:12,547
before you even get one?
120
00:06:12,547 --> 00:06:14,981
What if I got you a shift at the diner?
121
00:06:14,981 --> 00:06:17,883
We could work together.
122
00:06:20,819 --> 00:06:21,819
Come on.
123
00:06:21,819 --> 00:06:24,321
In selecting your ideal derriere,
124
00:06:24,321 --> 00:06:26,823
it's very important that you be happy
with your choice,
125
00:06:26,823 --> 00:06:28,324
since it'll be following you around
126
00:06:28,324 --> 00:06:29,775
for a long, long time.
127
00:06:29,775 --> 00:06:30,776
Right.
128
00:06:30,776 --> 00:06:32,228
Our catalog will help.
129
00:06:32,228 --> 00:06:35,713
Thanks.
130
00:06:35,713 --> 00:06:38,998
Wow, so many to choose from.
131
00:06:39,198 --> 00:06:40,900
Pear shape, melon shape.
132
00:06:41,200 --> 00:06:45,187
Each with its own unique personality.
133
00:06:45,187 --> 00:06:47,622
God. How am I ever going to decide?
134
00:06:47,622 --> 00:06:51,107
Well, sometimes it helps to see them in the flesh.
135
00:06:51,107 --> 00:06:53,093
My staff have all had work done
136
00:06:53,093 --> 00:06:54,560
and they'd be more than willing to show you
137
00:06:54,560 --> 00:06:55,961
our most popular models.
138
00:06:56,061 --> 00:06:57,495
Somebody loves his job.
139
00:06:58,463 --> 00:06:59,964
When you work in a bakery,
140
00:06:59,964 --> 00:07:03,467
it's hard to resist the buns.
141
00:07:03,467 --> 00:07:05,418
Gerald? Tell the boys to come in.
142
00:07:05,418 --> 00:07:06,919
Yes, doctor.
143
00:07:11,907 --> 00:07:12,907
Oh!
144
00:07:17,393 --> 00:07:26,750
Mr. Honeycutt's having difficulty
making up his mind.
145
00:07:27,250 --> 00:07:29,184
Wow, they're all so beautiful.
146
00:07:29,184 --> 00:07:31,171
I did them all myself.
147
00:07:31,171 --> 00:07:33,138
I also did their asses.
148
00:07:33,138 --> 00:07:34,639
Oh.
149
00:07:34,639 --> 00:07:35,640
So take a good, close look.
150
00:07:35,640 --> 00:07:37,641
Feel free to touch.
151
00:07:37,641 --> 00:07:39,644
Firmness and flexibility are key factors.
152
00:07:41,144 --> 00:07:43,629
Double bubble.
153
00:07:43,629 --> 00:07:45,630
Good skin tone.
154
00:07:45,630 --> 00:07:46,631
Really, uh,
155
00:07:46,631 --> 00:07:49,066
really gives a boy something to...
156
00:07:49,066 --> 00:07:51,952
hold on to.
157
00:07:51,952 --> 00:07:53,886
Oh, dimples.
158
00:07:53,886 --> 00:07:56,388
All the rage this year.
159
00:07:56,388 --> 00:07:57,389
Looks like little twin puddings
160
00:07:57,889 --> 00:08:00,342
just begging to be tasted.
161
00:08:00,342 --> 00:08:02,343
Oh, hello, gorgeous.
162
00:08:02,843 --> 00:08:05,312
Whoo! Look at that.
163
00:08:05,312 --> 00:08:06,812
It's a great give, you know?
164
00:08:07,313 --> 00:08:10,733
You could stretch it out and
it'd still hold its shape.
165
00:08:12,667 --> 00:08:14,668
God, they're all so tempting, Dr. Beamer,
166
00:08:14,668 --> 00:08:18,120
Um, but how do I know what'll look good on me?
167
00:08:18,120 --> 00:08:20,039
I can show you on my digital imaging system.
168
00:08:20,039 --> 00:08:21,490
Or, if you prefer,
169
00:08:21,991 --> 00:08:22,907
we can do a custom design.
170
00:08:22,907 --> 00:08:24,409
Of course, that would be extra.
171
00:08:24,409 --> 00:08:26,360
Well, now is definitely not the time
172
00:08:26,360 --> 00:08:27,860
to sit on one's wallet.
173
00:08:27,860 --> 00:08:29,863
- Let's do it.
- Good.
174
00:08:29,863 --> 00:08:32,315
We faxed those orders weeks ago.
175
00:08:32,315 --> 00:08:35,317
No... weeks ago.
176
00:08:36,317 --> 00:08:37,818
Many days ago.
177
00:08:37,828 --> 00:08:40,819
Look, is there somebody there who speaks
English as a first language?
178
00:08:40,820 --> 00:08:42,772
Pardon?
179
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:45,240
Oh... Lindsay!
180
00:08:45,240 --> 00:08:47,241
Oh, God. Gus just ate the seating plan.
181
00:08:47,241 --> 00:08:48,743
We do not have the order.
182
00:08:48,743 --> 00:08:51,345
So, what are you going to serve
183
00:08:51,355 --> 00:08:54,246
my 24 no dairy, no yeast,
no wheat kosher vegans?
184
00:08:58,667 --> 00:09:01,169
Sweetheart, oh my God.
185
00:09:01,169 --> 00:09:03,671
What's the matter?
186
00:09:03,671 --> 00:09:06,673
Have... a panic...
187
00:09:06,673 --> 00:09:09,174
attack.
188
00:09:09,174 --> 00:09:10,676
Oh, my god!
189
00:09:10,676 --> 00:09:12,678
Bloating. I...
190
00:09:13,177 --> 00:09:14,679
Look. I can't even...
191
00:09:14,679 --> 00:09:16,680
put on my shoe.
192
00:09:18,181 --> 00:09:20,673
It's just a little anxiety related water retension.
193
00:09:20,684 --> 00:09:21,684
It's...
194
00:09:22,184 --> 00:09:25,687
- I'm as big as Lake Michigan.
- No! No!
195
00:09:25,687 --> 00:09:27,688
No! No!
196
00:09:27,688 --> 00:09:28,689
No, you're not.
197
00:09:28,689 --> 00:09:32,191
Here. Breathe into this. There we go.
198
00:09:32,692 --> 00:09:36,194
Okay, there we go. Okay. Lie down.
199
00:09:36,695 --> 00:09:37,695
Put your feet up.
200
00:09:38,195 --> 00:09:40,196
That's it.
201
00:09:41,199 --> 00:09:44,633
I am not going to get into my dress.
202
00:09:44,643 --> 00:09:45,734
You know, I thought we agreed,
203
00:09:45,744 --> 00:09:47,135
no weird lesbo sex in front of the kid.
204
00:09:47,236 --> 00:09:49,103
Fuck off, Brian!
205
00:09:49,103 --> 00:09:50,704
Fine. I just dropped by to let you know
206
00:09:50,714 --> 00:09:51,905
I'm not going to be at the wedding.
207
00:09:51,915 --> 00:09:54,484
I'm going to the white party in Miami instead.
208
00:09:54,491 --> 00:09:54,991
Later.
209
00:09:54,992 --> 00:09:57,059
You can't ditch my special day!
210
00:09:57,069 --> 00:09:58,443
You selfish prick.
211
00:09:58,443 --> 00:10:01,586
As usual, objectivity falls to me. Think.
212
00:10:01,596 --> 00:10:03,537
You don't really want me there, do you?
213
00:10:03,547 --> 00:10:06,022
I'd have to be chemically dependent just to show up.
214
00:10:06,033 --> 00:10:08,034
I'll be drunk, I'll be bored,
215
00:10:08,034 --> 00:10:11,204
not to mention better looking than the brides.
216
00:10:11,703 --> 00:10:13,138
I'll offend all the dykes,
I'll heckle the ceremony.
217
00:10:13,138 --> 00:10:15,128
Table dance at the reception
218
00:10:15,139 --> 00:10:16,640
and inevitably fuck every goodlooking guy,
219
00:10:16,640 --> 00:10:18,641
gay, straight or undecided in the place.
220
00:10:18,641 --> 00:10:21,144
Finally, I'll pass out naked
221
00:10:21,144 --> 00:10:23,145
bitching about the cheap booze.
222
00:10:23,145 --> 00:10:25,936
You'll lose your dignity, your friends
and your shirts paying for the damages.
223
00:10:26,147 --> 00:10:32,085
Hell, I'm doing you a favour getting out of town.
224
00:10:32,085 --> 00:10:34,506
Have a safe trip.
225
00:10:41,508 --> 00:10:43,010
I can't go on.
226
00:10:43,510 --> 00:10:47,512
We've walked, how far?
100 blocks in, what, 100 hours?
227
00:10:47,523 --> 00:10:51,016
- Try two blocks in about 11 minutes.
- Oh.
228
00:10:51,016 --> 00:10:53,517
Seems a lot longer when you're shopping for lesbians.
229
00:10:53,517 --> 00:10:56,019
I still say a wedding gift should be something romantic.
230
00:10:56,019 --> 00:10:59,521
- You know, like this.
- Lingerie?
231
00:10:59,521 --> 00:11:01,523
I thought you said "romantic"?
232
00:11:02,024 --> 00:11:05,525
You want to get two dykes a romantic gift?
233
00:11:05,525 --> 00:11:06,526
Get them this.
234
00:11:06,537 --> 00:11:08,527
Powertools? That's romantic?
235
00:11:08,527 --> 00:11:09,952
For dykes they are.
236
00:11:10,963 --> 00:11:14,432
Oh, and for only $499.00
these beauties are a steal.
237
00:11:14,432 --> 00:11:16,934
Only? I can barely afford a screw.
238
00:11:16,934 --> 00:11:19,435
Well, fortunately you have Ben.
239
00:11:20,888 --> 00:11:23,889
I'll cover it, we'll just say it's from both of us.
240
00:11:23,899 --> 00:11:25,823
- I can't let you do that.
- I can afford it.
241
00:11:27,174 --> 00:11:29,178
Oh, shit.
242
00:11:31,178 --> 00:11:33,179
Shit.
243
00:11:33,179 --> 00:11:34,680
- What?
- I'd better get back to the studio.
244
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:37,181
I've got a three-way at half past 4:00.
245
00:11:37,682 --> 00:11:39,173
Or is it a four-way at half past 3:00?
246
00:11:39,183 --> 00:11:42,153
I can't remember. Here. Take this.
247
00:11:42,153 --> 00:11:46,501
What am I supposed to get?
The power tools or the lingerie.
248
00:11:46,572 --> 00:11:47,540
You decide. Whatever you pick,
249
00:11:47,540 --> 00:11:50,024
I'm sure it'll be the perfect gift.
250
00:11:50,024 --> 00:12:01,500
Bye.
251
00:12:13,992 --> 00:12:15,476
Hello, Mon!
252
00:12:15,476 --> 00:12:16,978
Welcome.
253
00:12:16,978 --> 00:12:20,412
Come take a look here.
254
00:12:20,412 --> 00:12:21,414
These are amazing.
255
00:12:21,414 --> 00:12:22,865
Where are they from?
256
00:12:22,865 --> 00:12:25,850
From a little country in Africa right next to Chad.
257
00:12:25,850 --> 00:12:31,343
It's called Chuck. My people have lived there
for centuries in peace and harmony.
258
00:12:31,355 --> 00:12:33,356
Making love and art.
259
00:12:33,356 --> 00:12:37,359
Hmm.
260
00:12:37,359 --> 00:12:39,293
Isn't she beautiful?
261
00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:41,251
Her name is Haza-Ri.
262
00:12:41,263 --> 00:12:44,214
Goddess of love and pride.
263
00:12:44,214 --> 00:12:46,165
How much is she?
264
00:12:46,165 --> 00:12:48,166
$600.
265
00:12:48,166 --> 00:12:49,967
I only have $500.
266
00:12:50,117 --> 00:12:52,119
That would be $600 Chuck dollars.
267
00:12:52,119 --> 00:12:53,621
$500 American.
268
00:12:58,007 --> 00:13:00,942
Competition, world class.
269
00:13:01,443 --> 00:13:03,444
Wardrobe, crucial.
270
00:13:03,444 --> 00:13:06,948
Margin for error, zero.
271
00:13:08,948 --> 00:13:12,938
So long, Pittsburgh. Hello, Miami Vice.
272
00:13:19,038 --> 00:13:23,042
I thought your all-expense paid fuckfest
was just for the weekend.
273
00:13:23,042 --> 00:13:25,043
Well, each party has its own theme.
274
00:13:25,043 --> 00:13:27,495
And a strict dress code.
275
00:13:27,495 --> 00:13:32,489
The White Party. 15,000 horny queers all in white.
276
00:13:32,499 --> 00:13:33,984
I'll be busy, too.
277
00:13:33,984 --> 00:13:35,951
I have a paper due on Renaissance Art.
278
00:13:35,951 --> 00:13:38,309
Then there's the muscle beach party.
279
00:13:38,319 --> 00:13:39,804
Then there's the laundry.
280
00:13:39,804 --> 00:13:41,712
And of course the wedding.
281
00:13:41,723 --> 00:13:44,157
And I musn't forget the Cabana boy contest.
282
00:13:44,157 --> 00:13:46,592
I have to remember to write my grandmother.
283
00:13:46,592 --> 00:13:47,994
Fuck!
284
00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:50,862
I've got dick-all to wear to the white dawn bash.
285
00:13:50,872 --> 00:13:54,348
Will you even need clothes by then?
286
00:13:54,348 --> 00:13:55,849
Not if you've got anything to say about it.
287
00:13:55,849 --> 00:13:57,800
You're taking me?
288
00:13:57,800 --> 00:14:00,218
If you can tear yourself away from your granny's letter.
289
00:14:00,218 --> 00:14:01,653
Oh, thank you!
290
00:14:02,154 --> 00:14:04,122
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
291
00:14:04,122 --> 00:14:07,625
Shit! What am i gonna wear?
292
00:14:20,866 --> 00:14:23,369
You are not gonna believe what I got them.
293
00:14:23,369 --> 00:14:25,870
- What we got them.
- What... what is it?
294
00:14:26,371 --> 00:14:28,372
No, you'll see, it's a surprise.
295
00:14:28,872 --> 00:14:30,257
What'd you get them?
296
00:14:30,257 --> 00:14:33,260
The best gift of all. My absence.
297
00:14:33,260 --> 00:14:34,961
All right, judges.
298
00:14:35,128 --> 00:14:37,579
Time to make your final decision.
299
00:14:37,579 --> 00:14:43,891
Which of the following three choices will it be?
300
00:14:43,901 --> 00:14:44,851
Well, if you choose number one,
301
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:46,853
you'll look exactly like, uh...
302
00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:49,355
Michael.
303
00:14:49,355 --> 00:14:50,778
Go with number two.
304
00:14:50,788 --> 00:14:52,274
You'll look just like the rear end of a '72 Impala.
305
00:14:52,274 --> 00:14:55,182
Number three's pert and perky.
306
00:14:55,192 --> 00:14:58,127
Though it might be too small
for the rest of your features.
307
00:14:58,127 --> 00:15:00,612
Perhaps I need an artist's opinion.
308
00:15:00,612 --> 00:15:07,017
Justin, w-hich do you find to be most esthetically pleasing?
309
00:15:07,017 --> 00:15:09,018
This one.
310
00:15:09,018 --> 00:15:11,020
It successfully integrates form and function
311
00:15:11,020 --> 00:15:13,422
into an elegant whole, but at the same time,
312
00:15:13,432 --> 00:15:14,022
it's in good taste.
313
00:15:14,022 --> 00:15:16,475
He doesn't want an ass with good taste.
314
00:15:16,475 --> 00:15:19,459
He wants an ass that tastes good.
315
00:15:19,459 --> 00:15:22,762
Thank you, sweetheart.
316
00:15:22,796 --> 00:15:23,786
Well, boys,
317
00:15:23,797 --> 00:15:25,214
shall we dance?
318
00:15:25,214 --> 00:15:27,632
I need my beauty rest for the white party.
319
00:15:27,632 --> 00:15:28,883
Now that you're over 30,
320
00:15:28,893 --> 00:15:30,573
shouldn't you be going to the gray party?
321
00:15:30,584 --> 00:15:31,535
You should be going
322
00:15:31,535 --> 00:15:33,954
to Melanie and Lindsay's wedding.
323
00:15:34,454 --> 00:15:36,954
You'll be there, you can cry for both of us.
324
00:15:45,379 --> 00:15:46,379
You know what?
325
00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,381
Every time something big happens,
326
00:15:48,381 --> 00:15:51,316
my moving away, your fucking 30th birthday party,
327
00:15:51,326 --> 00:15:53,808
you pull the elusive Brian Kinney bit and bail.
328
00:15:53,819 --> 00:15:55,319
Why is that?
329
00:15:55,319 --> 00:15:58,321
You know, if that's a rhetorical question
not requiring an answer,
330
00:15:58,321 --> 00:16:01,256
pardon me while I take a leak.
331
00:16:01,256 --> 00:16:04,193
You know what i think it is?
332
00:16:04,193 --> 00:16:07,163
I think you're afraid to let anyone know
that you love them.
333
00:16:07,627 --> 00:16:11,630
That you have feelings like the rest of us.
334
00:16:11,630 --> 00:16:15,067
It's okay to be human, you know.
335
00:16:15,067 --> 00:16:17,068
Okay.
336
00:16:17,068 --> 00:16:21,004
You really want to know the reason I bail?
337
00:16:21,004 --> 00:16:25,875
The truth is, I'd rather get laid.
338
00:16:25,875 --> 00:16:28,616
We done?
339
00:16:36,616 --> 00:16:39,917
Does he always kiss you like that?
340
00:16:39,927 --> 00:16:41,619
About four times a year.
341
00:16:42,121 --> 00:16:45,622
Usually when he's really drunk
or he wants me to shut up.
342
00:16:52,043 --> 00:16:54,045
I stick it and spin.
343
00:16:54,045 --> 00:16:55,946
Okay? Now when it's ready,
344
00:16:56,046 --> 00:16:58,048
you plate 'em, you drop the tab under the dish,
345
00:16:58,048 --> 00:17:00,533
you throw it here and then you ring the bell.
346
00:17:01,033 --> 00:17:02,034
Got it?
347
00:17:02,034 --> 00:17:04,536
Stick it, spin 'em, drop 'em.
348
00:17:04,536 --> 00:17:05,971
What'd I tell you?
349
00:17:05,971 --> 00:17:07,972
Short ordering's no different than being a chef.
350
00:17:07,972 --> 00:17:09,406
Just faster.
351
00:17:09,406 --> 00:17:12,859
Hey, we got hustle in our blood.
352
00:17:12,859 --> 00:17:17,352
Okay, now I'm going to give you your first tip.
353
00:17:17,361 --> 00:17:19,863
No matter what happens, don't panic.
354
00:17:19,863 --> 00:17:22,281
Just take your time, okay?
355
00:17:22,281 --> 00:17:24,634
Your worst is fucking good enough
356
00:17:24,644 --> 00:17:26,235
for this joint.
357
00:17:26,235 --> 00:17:29,721
Okay?
358
00:17:29,721 --> 00:17:31,655
It's not such a big deal.
359
00:17:31,655 --> 00:17:35,159
Hey, Debbie. We need a couple
of black coffees to go.
360
00:17:35,159 --> 00:17:36,142
They were specially engraved
361
00:17:36,142 --> 00:17:43,498
with our names on them and everything.
362
00:17:43,498 --> 00:17:44,498
I hate to tell you gals,
363
00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:46,499
but for the happy couple,
364
00:17:46,499 --> 00:17:48,001
you look fucking miserable.
365
00:17:48,001 --> 00:17:49,458
Rosenberg's Jewelry called.
366
00:17:49,468 --> 00:17:51,470
They can't find our wedding rings.
367
00:17:51,470 --> 00:17:54,289
You can use my nipple rings.
368
00:17:54,289 --> 00:17:55,790
Loads of sentimental value.
369
00:17:55,790 --> 00:17:56,774
To me.
370
00:17:56,774 --> 00:17:57,774
Thanks, honey.
371
00:17:57,774 --> 00:18:01,265
- But it just wouldn't be the same.
- Listen, no.
372
00:18:01,277 --> 00:18:02,695
We're not going to allow Mercury
373
00:18:02,695 --> 00:18:04,686
or anything else to fuck up our wedding.
374
00:18:04,697 --> 00:18:07,632
Everything's going ahead as planned.
375
00:18:07,632 --> 00:18:10,550
Uh... not exactly everything.
376
00:18:10,550 --> 00:18:12,474
More good news?
377
00:18:12,485 --> 00:18:13,986
Brian invited me to the White Party.
378
00:18:13,986 --> 00:18:15,471
And you said?
379
00:18:15,471 --> 00:18:18,356
That I'd go.
380
00:18:18,356 --> 00:18:20,324
It's a once in a lifetime thing.
381
00:18:20,324 --> 00:18:23,694
So is getting married.
382
00:18:23,694 --> 00:18:24,977
'Course there are no hard bodies.
383
00:18:24,987 --> 00:18:27,663
No drugs, no thousands of dicks.
384
00:18:28,113 --> 00:18:30,114
Just two people saying "I do".
385
00:18:30,114 --> 00:18:33,050
You're right, how could it possibly compare?
386
00:18:33,050 --> 00:18:34,502
It's okay.
387
00:18:34,502 --> 00:18:37,459
- After all Justin's been through...
- Yeah, he deserves a break.
388
00:18:37,470 --> 00:18:40,856
Have a great time.
389
00:18:43,808 --> 00:18:45,299
Oh, that fucking Brian.
390
00:18:45,309 --> 00:18:47,800
It's bad enough he's not coming, does he have
to poach our ring bearer as well?
391
00:18:47,811 --> 00:18:49,312
What does it matter? There are no rings.
392
00:18:49,312 --> 00:18:53,315
Hey, honey.
393
00:18:53,315 --> 00:18:54,316
Hello?
394
00:18:55,817 --> 00:18:57,818
I'm sorry, what?
395
00:18:57,818 --> 00:19:00,303
- I don't understand.
- It must be the caterer.
396
00:19:00,303 --> 00:19:03,305
Jo, what kosher vegan delicacy
have you whipped up?
397
00:19:03,315 --> 00:19:04,306
I'm sorry...
398
00:19:04,306 --> 00:19:07,775
Oh, wait. Listen you bleeding asshole!
399
00:19:07,775 --> 00:19:09,759
I'm a lawyer, we have a contract, we'll sue.
400
00:19:09,759 --> 00:19:12,761
- Sue?
- Oh, that word you understand.
401
00:19:12,761 --> 00:19:15,231
Something wrong?
402
00:19:15,231 --> 00:19:18,215
The caterer and the hall have been
shut down by the Health Department,
403
00:19:18,225 --> 00:19:20,157
for salmonella poisoning.
404
00:19:20,167 --> 00:19:22,169
- Is that all?
- Is that all. Is that all?
405
00:19:22,169 --> 00:19:24,170
We have no food, we have no place to eat the food.
406
00:19:25,175 --> 00:19:27,657
Okay, if you don't mind,
407
00:19:27,657 --> 00:19:30,659
I think I'll lie down for a bit, okay?
408
00:19:35,663 --> 00:19:37,647
You spent $500...
409
00:19:37,647 --> 00:19:40,149
My $500 on that?
410
00:19:40,149 --> 00:19:41,150
It was a steal.
411
00:19:41,150 --> 00:19:42,150
Yeah, and I'm the one that got robbed.
412
00:19:42,150 --> 00:19:43,152
Look, just take it back.
413
00:19:43,152 --> 00:19:44,585
I can't take it back.
414
00:19:44,585 --> 00:19:45,536
What store did you buy it at?
415
00:19:45,536 --> 00:19:47,537
I didn't get it at a store.
416
00:19:47,537 --> 00:19:48,538
Where'd you get it?
417
00:19:48,538 --> 00:19:49,471
Off a blanket.
418
00:19:49,471 --> 00:19:51,390
A blanket?
419
00:19:51,390 --> 00:19:53,392
You bought Lindsay and Melanie's wedding gift
420
00:19:53,392 --> 00:19:54,893
from some streetcorner shyster?
421
00:19:54,893 --> 00:19:55,860
It's from Chuck.
422
00:19:55,860 --> 00:19:57,362
It's a little country next to Chad.
423
00:19:57,362 --> 00:19:59,813
Chuck? Chad? They sound like a couple of homos.
424
00:19:59,813 --> 00:20:01,797
- It's the perfect gift.
- Perfectly hideous.
425
00:20:01,797 --> 00:20:03,799
- It's a work of art!
- It's a piece of shit.
426
00:20:03,799 --> 00:20:05,800
It's symbolic of love and pride.
427
00:20:05,800 --> 00:20:07,736
It's symbolic of stupidity and bad taste.
428
00:20:07,736 --> 00:20:09,236
You take that back.
429
00:20:09,243 --> 00:20:11,054
I can't. I got it off a blanket.
430
00:20:11,054 --> 00:20:12,505
Look, the next time you want to buy a gift,
431
00:20:12,505 --> 00:20:13,507
buy it yourself.
432
00:20:13,507 --> 00:20:15,425
That's what I was counting on you for.
433
00:20:15,425 --> 00:20:17,860
Yeah, you were too busy bringing joy to the world.
434
00:20:17,860 --> 00:20:19,334
Look, just because I'm a success...
435
00:20:19,343 --> 00:20:21,251
You can take your success
and shove it.
436
00:20:21,262 --> 00:20:23,722
And I'm sure you won't have any trouble
figuring out where.
437
00:20:23,764 --> 00:20:26,653
Yeah, I'll just ask Chuck and Chad.
438
00:20:32,653 --> 00:20:35,656
I'm sorry, George.
439
00:20:35,656 --> 00:20:37,157
I've made up my mind.
440
00:20:37,157 --> 00:20:40,159
But it's such...
441
00:20:40,159 --> 00:20:41,660
a beautiful bottom.
442
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:43,595
It'll do in a pinch.
443
00:20:43,595 --> 00:20:44,596
I'll say.
444
00:20:44,596 --> 00:20:46,597
Besides, you're too young.
445
00:20:46,597 --> 00:20:53,999
I mean, plastic surgery is just for foolish old
men who refuse to grow old gracefully.
446
00:20:55,053 --> 00:20:56,554
What about Michael Jackson?
447
00:20:56,554 --> 00:20:58,055
And Elizabeth Taylor?
448
00:20:58,055 --> 00:20:59,556
And Cher?
449
00:20:59,556 --> 00:21:02,491
Well, I can't speak for their backsides,
450
00:21:02,491 --> 00:21:03,994
only yours.
451
00:21:03,994 --> 00:21:05,494
Thank you.
452
00:21:05,445 --> 00:21:08,402
But in my world, if you don't look like you
453
00:21:08,413 --> 00:21:10,914
just stepped out of a
Calvin Klein underwear ad,
454
00:21:10,914 --> 00:21:11,915
you're nothing.
455
00:21:11,915 --> 00:21:14,902
Well, that's a world I'm happy not to know.
456
00:21:14,902 --> 00:21:16,852
Not to mention,
457
00:21:16,852 --> 00:21:19,354
it'll make me feel better about myself.
458
00:21:19,354 --> 00:21:22,306
You know, raise my self-esteem.
459
00:21:22,306 --> 00:21:25,242
Well, my wife Virginia felt similarly.
460
00:21:25,242 --> 00:21:26,743
Had herself snipped and clipped,
461
00:21:26,743 --> 00:21:29,161
eyes to thighs, swore it would
change her life, too.
462
00:21:29,661 --> 00:21:31,112
And did it?
463
00:21:31,112 --> 00:21:33,547
She was the same miserable cunt she always was.
464
00:21:33,547 --> 00:21:37,000
Only without the wrinkles.
465
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:39,002
Emmett...
466
00:21:39,002 --> 00:21:40,002
forgive me.
467
00:21:40,002 --> 00:21:44,939
But anyone who values themself because of their ass...
468
00:21:44,939 --> 00:21:46,894
is an ass.
469
00:21:51,894 --> 00:21:53,896
Oh, I'm so sorry you're still waiting.
470
00:21:53,896 --> 00:21:55,397
More coffee? It's on the house.
471
00:21:55,397 --> 00:21:56,898
No? Okay.
472
00:21:56,898 --> 00:22:00,401
Um, your order is next, I promise you.
473
00:22:00,401 --> 00:22:03,402
All I want is a hamburger!
474
00:22:03,402 --> 00:22:06,405
Your order has been abducted by aliens,
475
00:22:06,905 --> 00:22:09,407
so don't give me those dirty looks.
476
00:22:10,908 --> 00:22:12,375
Hey, Debbie, what's up with my order?
477
00:22:13,376 --> 00:22:14,377
Hey!
478
00:22:14,878 --> 00:22:16,879
I have got orders coming out my ass,
479
00:22:16,879 --> 00:22:21,370
a room full of hungry homicidals
and I don't have any clean plates
480
00:22:21,382 --> 00:22:22,782
to do my set-ups with.
481
00:22:22,792 --> 00:22:24,835
What in the fuck is going on back here?
482
00:22:24,835 --> 00:22:26,320
You don't have to yell.
483
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:27,320
I'm right here.
484
00:22:27,320 --> 00:22:28,721
Well, you could have fooled me.
485
00:22:28,731 --> 00:22:31,245
Do you think you could do a grilled cheese
in under an hour?
486
00:22:31,256 --> 00:22:34,743
You told me to take my time.
487
00:22:34,743 --> 00:22:38,661
- Debbie!
- I didn't mean your fucking lifetime.
488
00:22:39,162 --> 00:22:40,663
That does it.
489
00:22:40,663 --> 00:22:42,664
- Excuse me.
- Who am I kidding?
490
00:22:42,664 --> 00:22:43,648
- Excuse me!
- I can't do this.
491
00:22:43,648 --> 00:22:45,083
Where are you going?
492
00:22:45,083 --> 00:22:46,050
Home.
493
00:22:46,050 --> 00:22:47,551
You can't leave me like this.
494
00:22:47,551 --> 00:22:48,969
You're better off.
495
00:22:48,969 --> 00:22:51,971
I'm useless. I'm worse than useless.
496
00:22:51,971 --> 00:22:55,374
I'm ridiculous.
497
00:22:55,874 --> 00:23:01,333
Honey, there is no way we can squeeze
that many guests into our house.
498
00:23:01,345 --> 00:23:03,346
Baby, we can move all the furniture into the garage.
499
00:23:03,346 --> 00:23:09,334
Lambskin, you'd have my 1000 year-old
aunt stand all night?
500
00:23:09,334 --> 00:23:11,808
Pudding pie, she has a walker.
501
00:23:11,819 --> 00:23:12,809
She can lean.
502
00:23:12,819 --> 00:23:14,805
And what if, somehow,
503
00:23:14,805 --> 00:23:17,223
my little love button,
504
00:23:17,223 --> 00:23:22,115
we manage to overcome the laws of Physical
Science and pack 'em all in?
505
00:23:22,126 --> 00:23:25,584
What the fuck are they going to see,
besides each other's nose hair?
506
00:23:25,596 --> 00:23:30,037
- You're not even trying to make this work.
- And you're not even trying to make sense.
507
00:23:30,049 --> 00:23:32,500
- There's no need to be abusive.
- I wasn't being abusive.
508
00:23:32,517 --> 00:23:37,820
- I was merely expressing... frustration.
- So now I'm frustrating?
509
00:23:37,971 --> 00:23:39,905
I didn't say that.
510
00:23:40,890 --> 00:23:42,824
Cleaning's here.
511
00:23:45,276 --> 00:23:47,245
Yours, Mel.
512
00:23:47,245 --> 00:23:50,747
And what was yours, Linz.
513
00:23:50,747 --> 00:23:55,134
Apparently the dry-cleaning solution was too...
514
00:23:55,134 --> 00:23:58,552
There's no need to explain.
515
00:23:58,552 --> 00:24:01,956
At this point in the plot, we all get it.
516
00:24:02,956 --> 00:24:07,426
But the good news is, they gave you
$100 worth of coupons.
517
00:24:07,426 --> 00:24:08,927
Hurray.
518
00:24:09,427 --> 00:24:13,419
We will find you something else to wear,
boo-boo.
519
00:24:13,431 --> 00:24:18,923
And we will have our beautiful,
special fucking day. Goddamn it!
520
00:24:18,934 --> 00:24:22,436
Even if we have to do it nude in the backyard.
521
00:24:25,873 --> 00:24:30,876
Or maybe we can face reality.
522
00:24:30,876 --> 00:24:33,294
Mysterious Marilyn was right.
523
00:24:33,794 --> 00:24:36,737
Oh, not that Mercury in retrograde shit again.
524
00:24:36,747 --> 00:24:40,599
Our wedding's been methodically
and systematically deconstructed.
525
00:24:40,609 --> 00:24:46,601
If you ask me, somebody up there
doesn't think we should get married.
526
00:24:46,621 --> 00:24:48,122
Maybe there's a reason.
527
00:24:50,090 --> 00:24:54,425
Maybe that's because people like us...
528
00:24:54,960 --> 00:24:56,879
aren't supposed to get married.
529
00:24:56,879 --> 00:24:58,296
Like us?
530
00:24:58,296 --> 00:25:01,955
Do you need the roof to cave in?
531
00:25:33,955 --> 00:25:36,948
You know, I'm reminded of a scene from "Alien".
532
00:25:36,958 --> 00:25:40,960
One of the great AIDS metaphor flicks of all time.
533
00:25:40,960 --> 00:25:43,451
Our intrepid intergalactic garbage collectors,
534
00:25:43,461 --> 00:25:45,864
led by uber-bitch dyke Ripley,
535
00:25:45,874 --> 00:25:51,856
after who you've obviously modelled yourself,
are snuggled safely in their sleep pods
536
00:25:51,868 --> 00:25:55,426
for the long ride home,
when suddenly the monster appears.
537
00:25:55,438 --> 00:25:58,806
The wedding's off.
538
00:25:58,806 --> 00:26:00,808
You two have finally come to your senses?
539
00:26:00,808 --> 00:26:04,222
That's almost reason enough
to interrupt my base coat.
540
00:26:04,243 --> 00:26:07,730
But not quite.
541
00:26:07,730 --> 00:26:09,721
It's because of Lindsay.
542
00:26:09,731 --> 00:26:11,733
She...
543
00:26:11,733 --> 00:26:13,233
She...
544
00:26:13,233 --> 00:26:15,669
She what?
545
00:26:15,669 --> 00:26:19,962
With all the disasters...
and Mysterious Marilyn,
546
00:26:19,972 --> 00:26:21,896
Mercury in retrograde,
547
00:26:21,906 --> 00:26:23,407
and the rings and the food,
548
00:26:23,417 --> 00:26:26,093
and the hall and the dress.
549
00:26:26,093 --> 00:26:28,428
She thinks the wedding's not supposed
to happen because...
550
00:26:28,438 --> 00:26:31,907
because we're gay.
551
00:26:31,914 --> 00:26:33,915
Christ.
552
00:26:33,915 --> 00:26:37,851
Send in a dyke to do a faggot's work.
553
00:26:39,352 --> 00:26:43,944
We have precisely 21 hours
to get the munchers married.
554
00:26:43,955 --> 00:26:46,757
What? Are you crazy?
We can't do that.
555
00:26:46,775 --> 00:26:48,576
Nobody knows wedding shit better than queers.
556
00:26:48,586 --> 00:26:50,527
We're at the florists, the caterers,
557
00:26:50,537 --> 00:26:52,728
the planners, the designers,
558
00:26:52,728 --> 00:26:55,931
the servers, the performers,
even fucking priests.
559
00:26:55,941 --> 00:26:57,940
He means that literally.
560
00:26:57,959 --> 00:26:59,884
If anybody can do it, we can. And we will,
561
00:26:59,895 --> 00:27:02,086
in time for me to make my flight.
562
00:27:02,086 --> 00:27:04,037
Don't you think this is awfully ambitious?
563
00:27:04,037 --> 00:27:06,644
Why don't you just leave it up to everybody else, so you can criticize?
564
00:27:06,656 --> 00:27:09,993
If we left it up to you, they'd be getting
married on a blanket on a street corner.
565
00:27:09,998 --> 00:27:11,819
Yo, bitches, tear each other's hair out later.
566
00:27:11,826 --> 00:27:13,327
I don't care how you do it,
567
00:27:13,337 --> 00:27:17,230
but you two are responsible for staffing,
flowers and decorations.
568
00:27:17,247 --> 00:27:19,665
Emmett, you find us a place.
569
00:27:19,665 --> 00:27:21,649
Oh, how about the Liberty Baths?
570
00:27:21,649 --> 00:27:25,152
They have a fabulous... party room.
571
00:27:25,152 --> 00:27:30,328
- Deb, you pull together something for Linz to wear.
- I'd love to.
572
00:27:30,339 --> 00:27:36,541
Oh, I can just see it with
its flowers and bows and ruffles.
573
00:27:37,445 --> 00:27:39,947
Maybe something more simple.
574
00:27:39,947 --> 00:27:41,447
Vic, you're up for the cake.
575
00:27:41,447 --> 00:27:44,372
No, my cooking's a recipe for disaster.
576
00:27:44,383 --> 00:27:45,384
He'd be great.
577
00:27:45,384 --> 00:27:48,360
If they were getting married a year from now.
578
00:27:48,370 --> 00:27:50,771
Don't worry, Vic. I'll help you.
579
00:27:50,781 --> 00:27:53,706
Okay, great. Get to work.
580
00:27:53,716 --> 00:27:56,733
Now hold it, Kinney. What are you doing?
581
00:27:56,742 --> 00:28:00,244
I'm getting my beauty rest. Bye-Bye.
582
00:28:04,097 --> 00:28:08,601
Oh, not tonight, dear.
I'm saving myself for Miami.
583
00:28:08,601 --> 00:28:10,901
Correct me if I'm wrong,
584
00:28:10,911 --> 00:28:12,902
but I thought you didn't give a shit
about your friends,
585
00:28:12,913 --> 00:28:14,088
that you only care about getting laid.
586
00:28:14,088 --> 00:28:17,041
I just never want to hear
the word "wedding" again.
587
00:28:17,041 --> 00:28:19,025
You're pathetic.
588
00:28:19,025 --> 00:28:22,461
Oh, Emmett, do you want to go with me to get material?
589
00:28:22,461 --> 00:28:26,898
Uh, hello. Um... Zanzibar. Yeah.
590
00:28:26,898 --> 00:28:29,900
Yes, I'd like to book a wedding in your private room.
591
00:28:29,900 --> 00:28:31,901
Yes, of course. We can do that no problem.
592
00:28:32,401 --> 00:28:33,402
You can?
593
00:28:33,402 --> 00:28:35,905
Oh, you can. Oh, God. Wonderful.
594
00:28:35,905 --> 00:28:39,406
Okay. Um, right, well, that will be for about 80.
595
00:28:39,907 --> 00:28:41,908
Right. Tonight.
596
00:28:41,908 --> 00:28:48,413
Tonight?
597
00:28:48,413 --> 00:28:49,414
Any luck?
598
00:28:49,414 --> 00:28:51,916
I have tried A through Z.
599
00:28:51,916 --> 00:28:56,907
I'm afraid there is no such thing
as an instant wedding.
600
00:28:56,920 --> 00:29:01,911
- If I may make a suggestion?
- Be my wedding guest.
601
00:29:01,923 --> 00:29:04,924
Well, it's not very trendy,
but the price is right.
602
00:29:11,913 --> 00:29:13,904
Holy Xanadu!
603
00:29:13,917 --> 00:29:19,818
Well, last time it was used,
it was my daughter Frankie's wedding.
604
00:29:19,828 --> 00:29:21,420
Frankie?
605
00:29:21,420 --> 00:29:24,921
Yeah, Virginia named her after Hammond
Meats' most popular product.
606
00:29:26,341 --> 00:29:28,842
Gosh, it was one of the happiest days of my life.
607
00:29:28,842 --> 00:29:31,844
Well, it sounds to me, honey,
like this place is due for a party.
608
00:29:31,844 --> 00:29:35,803
I couldn't think of a more appropriate occasion
than your friends' wedding.
609
00:29:35,813 --> 00:29:39,306
I'll fill this room with exotic flowers.
610
00:29:39,316 --> 00:29:40,317
I'll bring in the Pittsburgh Symphony.
611
00:29:40,327 --> 00:29:41,318
- I'm on the board.
- Um...
612
00:29:41,818 --> 00:29:44,753
That... that's very kind, as usual.
613
00:29:44,753 --> 00:29:48,256
Um, but I... I'd kind of like to take care
of this myself.
614
00:29:48,266 --> 00:29:53,208
You know, give Mel and Lindsay the most
fabulous wedding two girls ever had.
615
00:29:53,210 --> 00:29:56,213
That's also very kind. As usual.
616
00:29:56,213 --> 00:29:59,148
How can you afford to?
617
00:29:59,148 --> 00:30:03,068
My tush fund.
618
00:30:04,568 --> 00:30:06,953
You'd burst your bubblebutt dream?
619
00:30:07,054 --> 00:30:09,555
Well... if you don't mind a bumpy ride,
620
00:30:09,555 --> 00:30:12,391
I think this old thing's got
a few more miles on it.
621
00:30:12,391 --> 00:30:13,891
Oh!
622
00:30:19,296 --> 00:30:20,297
Thank you.
623
00:30:20,297 --> 00:30:22,231
Now, I have to get started.
624
00:30:22,231 --> 00:30:27,737
I should have been up to my tits in tulle
and twinkling lights hours ago!
625
00:30:36,676 --> 00:30:37,676
Oh, shit!
626
00:30:37,676 --> 00:30:42,510
- What happened?
- Nothing.
627
00:30:42,578 --> 00:30:45,559
- Fuck!
- Now what?
628
00:30:45,564 --> 00:30:49,916
It's me, Deb. I'm a klutz.
629
00:30:50,935 --> 00:30:53,437
You'd think I'd never set foot in a kitchen before.
630
00:30:53,447 --> 00:30:56,898
- You just need to relax.
- It's more than that.
631
00:30:56,906 --> 00:30:58,807
I've been out of the world too long.
632
00:30:58,817 --> 00:30:59,407
I can't go back.
633
00:30:59,417 --> 00:31:01,826
You're right, you can't.
634
00:31:01,836 --> 00:31:04,327
Christ, would you look at this mess.
635
00:31:04,328 --> 00:31:08,797
You are the fucking saddest hard-luck case
I have ever seen.
636
00:31:08,798 --> 00:31:09,708
Debbie!
637
00:31:09,715 --> 00:31:11,700
Get back in your robe, huh?
638
00:31:11,710 --> 00:31:14,702
Or better yet, find a train to fall under.
639
00:31:14,712 --> 00:31:16,703
At least I'd get the insurance.
640
00:31:16,713 --> 00:31:20,606
- Sunshine, get your jacket. Let's go.
- Where are you going?
641
00:31:20,616 --> 00:31:21,957
Where do you think?
642
00:31:21,967 --> 00:31:25,532
To the bakery. You promised the girls
a wedding cake, didn't you?
643
00:31:25,543 --> 00:31:28,512
You can't just stroll into a bakery
and buy a wedding cake.
644
00:31:28,522 --> 00:31:29,453
They're made special.
645
00:31:29,463 --> 00:31:31,921
So, we'll get 'em a...
a bon voyage cake.
646
00:31:31,931 --> 00:31:35,916
Or a birthday cake,
or a fucking bar mitzvah cake!
647
00:31:35,920 --> 00:31:40,404
Any cake will be better than the
dried out brick that you're planning.
648
00:31:46,275 --> 00:31:53,245
How dare you call my hazelnut buttercream
a dried out brick?
649
00:32:14,328 --> 00:32:16,813
You did all that on purpose, didn't you?
650
00:32:16,813 --> 00:32:20,817
How do you think I got him to live in the first place?
651
00:32:20,817 --> 00:32:25,820
I just kept screaming, "So fucking die already!"
652
00:32:25,820 --> 00:32:27,322
Worked like a charm.
653
00:32:27,322 --> 00:32:30,223
He never figured it out?
654
00:32:30,233 --> 00:32:32,709
Apparently not.
655
00:32:32,709 --> 00:32:35,150
Justin, I need these egg whites beaten.
656
00:32:35,160 --> 00:32:38,146
And as for you...
657
00:32:38,146 --> 00:32:40,547
You want to grow up to be another Brian Kinney?
658
00:32:40,557 --> 00:32:43,132
Always running away from love,
never towards it,
659
00:32:43,143 --> 00:32:46,590
then you go to Miami and
you fuck your little twinkie brains out.
660
00:32:46,600 --> 00:32:48,954
But it's never going to make you happy.
661
00:32:48,964 --> 00:32:51,038
Nice try, Debbie.
662
00:32:51,038 --> 00:32:53,039
Wait a minute.
663
00:32:56,509 --> 00:32:57,511
All right, you're on to me.
664
00:32:57,994 --> 00:32:59,995
But one day you're going to look back,
665
00:32:59,995 --> 00:33:03,998
and you're going to regret
that you didn't go to the wedding.
666
00:33:03,998 --> 00:33:06,999
With your family.
667
00:33:06,999 --> 00:33:09,952
And that's the truth, Sunshine.
668
00:33:09,952 --> 00:33:12,897
That's the truth.
669
00:33:25,397 --> 00:33:28,400
French toast with fresh strawberries.
670
00:33:28,400 --> 00:33:30,901
Bacon crumbles and real maple syrup.
671
00:33:31,352 --> 00:33:35,354
Coffee made with the really good beans.
672
00:33:35,354 --> 00:33:37,828
And peaches with the skin peeled off,
673
00:33:37,838 --> 00:33:39,840
'cause the little hairs make your teeth itch.
674
00:33:39,840 --> 00:33:42,242
- No, thanks.
- Baby, please,
675
00:33:42,252 --> 00:33:44,642
- You have to eat.
- What for?
676
00:33:44,694 --> 00:33:46,662
You need to keep your strength up to feel miserable.
677
00:33:46,662 --> 00:33:48,614
Have a strawberry.
678
00:33:48,614 --> 00:33:50,615
- No.
- Come on, boo-boo.
679
00:33:50,615 --> 00:33:52,617
- One little bite.
- Stop it!
680
00:33:52,617 --> 00:33:55,117
- Stop what?
- Being so sweet.
681
00:33:55,118 --> 00:33:56,035
I can't help it.
682
00:33:56,535 --> 00:33:59,511
Compulsive adorable disorder.
683
00:33:59,522 --> 00:34:00,523
All right, get up.
684
00:34:00,523 --> 00:34:01,957
What the fuck are you doing here?
685
00:34:01,957 --> 00:34:03,361
Come on, move your asses.
686
00:34:03,375 --> 00:34:05,376
What for?
687
00:34:05,376 --> 00:34:06,376
You're getting married.
688
00:34:15,349 --> 00:34:16,851
- Come on, get out.
- Oh.
689
00:34:16,851 --> 00:34:19,353
- Come on, get out.
- Where the hell are we?
690
00:34:19,353 --> 00:34:20,854
- Get out, get out.
- What's going on?
691
00:34:20,854 --> 00:34:23,355
Ms. Marcus, Ms. Peterson.
692
00:34:23,355 --> 00:34:25,256
Welcome to your wedding.
693
00:34:25,256 --> 00:34:28,192
Uh, allow me to introduce our gracious host,
694
00:34:28,192 --> 00:34:30,694
my dear, dear friend George Schickel.
695
00:34:30,694 --> 00:34:32,612
Schickel's Pickles?
696
00:34:32,612 --> 00:34:36,564
The pleasure's mine.
And my home is yours today.
697
00:34:36,564 --> 00:34:38,516
Okay, enough chat. You're both due
in hair and make-up,
698
00:34:38,516 --> 00:34:39,517
so let's get a move on.
699
00:34:39,517 --> 00:34:41,518
Thanks.
700
00:34:41,518 --> 00:34:42,469
Go!
701
00:34:42,970 --> 00:34:45,900
Oh, no. No, no. No. No. You're not bringing
that hideous thing in here.
702
00:34:45,905 --> 00:34:47,356
I most certainly am.
703
00:34:47,839 --> 00:34:49,708
Not if I have anything to say about it.
704
00:34:49,791 --> 00:34:51,293
Well, who gives a shit what you have to say about it?
705
00:34:51,293 --> 00:34:53,711
I'm the one who paid for that waste of wood.
706
00:34:53,711 --> 00:34:55,178
Well, don't worry about it.
I'm gonna pay you back
707
00:34:55,178 --> 00:34:56,680
and I'm gonna give it to the girls myself.
708
00:34:56,680 --> 00:34:58,147
What do you think about that?
709
00:34:58,147 --> 00:34:59,616
I think you're an idiot for picking it out
in the first place.
710
00:34:59,616 --> 00:35:01,606
Well, I think you're a dickhead
for making me feel like an idiot.
711
00:35:01,617 --> 00:35:03,117
Boys. Boys.
712
00:35:03,601 --> 00:35:04,477
We still squabbling over the silly statue?
713
00:35:07,487 --> 00:35:09,479
God, she must have been to Dr. Beamer.
714
00:35:09,489 --> 00:35:10,940
Ah, you see? Emmett agrees.
715
00:35:10,940 --> 00:35:11,941
It's an abomination.
716
00:35:11,941 --> 00:35:13,875
I didn't say that.
717
00:35:13,875 --> 00:35:15,377
Although I will say,
718
00:35:15,376 --> 00:35:19,553
it's not worth destroying your friendship over.
719
00:35:28,553 --> 00:35:30,544
No, no, Debbie, I do my own hair.
720
00:35:30,554 --> 00:35:31,555
I can tell.
721
00:35:32,555 --> 00:35:34,057
You need more Bella Donna.
722
00:35:34,057 --> 00:35:36,047
Less bitchy butchy. Come on.
723
00:35:36,058 --> 00:35:37,958
Next thing, you'll have me wearing
a pointy bra and lipliner.
724
00:35:37,968 --> 00:35:39,561
How could you guess, sweetheart?
725
00:35:41,012 --> 00:35:42,480
- Oh, hey, Brian!
- Brian!
726
00:35:42,480 --> 00:35:43,413
Brian.
727
00:35:43,914 --> 00:35:45,414
I'm the one that should be screaming.
728
00:35:45,414 --> 00:35:49,406
Aren't you supposed to be off somewhere
sticking your pina in some colada?
729
00:35:49,418 --> 00:35:51,353
I need a few minutes with the brides.
730
00:35:51,853 --> 00:35:53,804
Alone.
731
00:35:53,804 --> 00:35:55,806
You make it fast, huh?
732
00:35:55,806 --> 00:35:58,257
I gotta get 'em dressed.
733
00:35:58,257 --> 00:36:01,227
I hear you're the one responsible for this.
734
00:36:01,227 --> 00:36:02,977
I don't know what lying asshole told you that,
735
00:36:02,987 --> 00:36:04,678
but I suppose a man in my position
736
00:36:04,678 --> 00:36:07,169
has to endure such attacks
against his character.
737
00:36:07,180 --> 00:36:10,633
- Here.
- Oh, my gosh.
738
00:36:10,633 --> 00:36:12,135
- Oh, my god, Brian!
- Ooh!
739
00:36:13,635 --> 00:36:16,137
They're exactly like the ones our jewelers lost.
740
00:36:16,137 --> 00:36:19,057
Complete with the inscription.
741
00:36:19,057 --> 00:36:21,995
Hey, don't get moist.
742
00:36:27,995 --> 00:36:34,931
Uh, I'm gonna call the sitter
and make sure Gus is all right.
743
00:36:36,868 --> 00:36:40,372
I can't believe the guys pulled
all this together at the last minute.
744
00:36:40,872 --> 00:36:42,873
- Yeah.
- So, are you packed?
745
00:36:42,873 --> 00:36:46,875
Toothpaste and undies.
746
00:36:46,875 --> 00:36:47,826
Excited?
747
00:36:47,826 --> 00:36:50,298
My pecker's all a-twitter.
748
00:36:54,298 --> 00:36:59,803
Can you help me button this up here?
749
00:36:59,803 --> 00:37:01,804
Oh, yeah.
750
00:37:01,804 --> 00:37:03,271
Isn't it amazing?
751
00:37:03,271 --> 00:37:05,773
Debbie just whipped it up.
752
00:37:06,273 --> 00:37:09,276
With some help of some mice and bluebirds.
753
00:37:09,777 --> 00:37:14,279
Oh, yeah. Well, I'm sorry I won't be there
to see you glide down the aisle.
754
00:37:14,279 --> 00:37:16,781
No, you're not!
755
00:37:16,781 --> 00:37:19,784
I'm sure you're going to have a fabulous time.
756
00:37:19,784 --> 00:37:23,987
- Hey, we'll both be in white.
- Yeah.
757
00:37:24,286 --> 00:37:33,276
Just be careful.
758
00:37:33,276 --> 00:37:35,728
Lindsay.
759
00:37:35,728 --> 00:37:38,563
It's your wedding present.
760
00:37:38,563 --> 00:37:42,983
All-expense paid trip for two to Miami.
761
00:37:42,983 --> 00:37:45,400
Trade it in for a later flight.
762
00:37:45,402 --> 00:37:47,370
Have a honeymoon, I'll take care of Gus.
763
00:37:47,370 --> 00:37:49,322
But you don't want to be here.
764
00:37:49,322 --> 00:37:52,324
You said yourself you'd get drunk,
765
00:37:52,324 --> 00:37:53,791
make a scene, pass out nude.
766
00:37:54,291 --> 00:37:58,152
- Will you just take the fucking tickets.
- No.
767
00:37:58,161 --> 00:38:00,547
I want you to go.
768
00:38:00,547 --> 00:38:03,048
It wouldn't be right for you to stay.
769
00:38:03,048 --> 00:38:06,484
Brian Kinney sacrificing for others.
770
00:38:06,484 --> 00:38:11,488
Trapped in a hideous display of sentimentality.
771
00:38:11,488 --> 00:38:13,989
I'd lose all faith, all hope.
772
00:38:13,989 --> 00:38:16,958
What kind of gift is that?
773
00:38:16,958 --> 00:38:23,329
I want you to fuck lots of beautiful guys.
774
00:38:23,329 --> 00:38:26,264
No apologies.
775
00:38:26,264 --> 00:38:30,669
No regrets.
776
00:38:30,669 --> 00:38:34,671
It's the best gift you could give me.
777
00:38:34,671 --> 00:38:37,675
Knowing you're happy.
778
00:38:59,255 --> 00:39:04,226
I love you too, Brian.
779
00:39:04,226 --> 00:39:06,727
This marriage stuff is kind of cool.
780
00:39:06,727 --> 00:39:10,731
In fact, I was thinking maybe someday...
781
00:39:10,731 --> 00:39:13,722
- What, you and I?
- Yeah, stranger things have happened.
782
00:39:13,733 --> 00:39:15,234
Not really.
783
00:39:15,234 --> 00:39:18,236
What you need is a good fucking on the beach.
784
00:39:18,236 --> 00:39:19,737
Hey...
785
00:39:20,188 --> 00:39:23,123
I can't go.
786
00:39:23,123 --> 00:39:24,614
You forgot your bain de soleil.
787
00:39:24,623 --> 00:39:27,625
I want to go to the wedding.
788
00:39:27,625 --> 00:39:29,127
For Lindsay and Melanie?
789
00:39:29,577 --> 00:39:31,045
For me.
790
00:39:31,045 --> 00:39:33,453
I want to be a part of it.
791
00:39:33,463 --> 00:39:35,948
I want to see their faces when they say "I do".
792
00:39:35,948 --> 00:39:37,400
Give Emmett kleenex.
793
00:39:37,400 --> 00:39:38,900
Console Debbie.
794
00:39:38,900 --> 00:39:42,354
You know she's going to be a mess.
795
00:39:42,354 --> 00:39:45,839
So you're standing me up
to see two dykes tie the knot?
796
00:39:45,839 --> 00:39:49,842
Yeah. I guess I am.
797
00:39:49,842 --> 00:39:52,778
You angry?
798
00:39:52,778 --> 00:39:57,631
I think you're a selfish, heartless asshole.
799
00:39:57,631 --> 00:40:00,568
Keep up the good work.
800
00:40:39,395 --> 00:40:41,830
Friends, family,
801
00:40:41,830 --> 00:40:48,792
Welcome to the celebration of a loving,
lifetime commitment of Melanie and Lindsay.
802
00:40:48,801 --> 00:40:52,713
They've asked me to thank you for bearing
witness to today's ceremony
803
00:40:52,738 --> 00:40:57,136
and to join them in recognizing it
as a true and binding expression
804
00:40:57,141 --> 00:41:01,077
of their devotion to one another.
805
00:41:01,077 --> 00:41:02,078
Melanie.
806
00:41:04,580 --> 00:41:06,064
Honey...
807
00:41:08,032 --> 00:41:11,519
I wasn't sure we'd make it here today.
808
00:41:11,519 --> 00:41:13,503
But thanks to our friends,
809
00:41:13,503 --> 00:41:19,873
or, I should say, our family...
810
00:41:19,873 --> 00:41:24,843
Not even the stars or the planets could keep
us from exchanging our vows.
811
00:41:27,229 --> 00:41:31,149
I love you, Lindsay Peterson.
812
00:41:31,149 --> 00:41:32,651
I will fight for you,
813
00:41:33,150 --> 00:41:37,036
I will protect you.
814
00:41:37,036 --> 00:41:42,491
You are my beshert.
815
00:41:42,491 --> 00:41:43,924
Lindsay.
816
00:41:45,843 --> 00:41:47,344
Melanie,
817
00:41:47,344 --> 00:41:50,764
with so much love and support around us,
818
00:41:51,264 --> 00:41:54,766
I really do believe that there is no obstacle,
819
00:41:54,766 --> 00:41:57,267
no problem we can't overcome.
820
00:41:57,768 --> 00:42:00,704
Together.
821
00:42:00,704 --> 00:42:03,656
In friendship and in love.
822
00:42:04,156 --> 00:42:09,126
Our hearts will be eternally united.
823
00:42:09,627 --> 00:42:13,997
I love you, Melanie Marcus.
824
00:42:13,997 --> 00:42:16,976
May I have the rings?
825
00:42:31,176 --> 00:42:33,645
Melanie,
826
00:42:33,645 --> 00:42:37,418
do you take Lindsay to be your wife?
827
00:42:43,918 --> 00:42:45,853
I do.
828
00:42:45,853 --> 00:42:49,960
Lindsay, do you take Melanie to be your wife?
829
00:42:54,660 --> 00:42:57,094
I do.
830
00:42:57,094 --> 00:42:59,546
By the power vested in me,
831
00:42:59,546 --> 00:43:02,999
by the love and faith of those assembled,
832
00:43:02,999 --> 00:43:09,770
I declare to the world that
you are married in our eyes.
833
00:43:09,770 --> 00:43:11,773
You can seal this with a little suck-face.
834
00:43:55,353 --> 00:43:57,738
What was I thinking buying them that awful statue?
835
00:43:57,748 --> 00:43:58,738
No. No. No, no. No. No.
836
00:43:58,748 --> 00:43:59,840
No. No, no, it, I was wrong.
837
00:43:59,840 --> 00:44:01,842
- It was the perfect gift.
- It's a piece of shit.
838
00:44:02,342 --> 00:44:03,843
No, it's a work of art.
839
00:44:03,843 --> 00:44:06,344
What are they going to do
with an African love goddess?
840
00:44:06,344 --> 00:44:12,349
They'll look at it and say, "Our friends Michael and Ted
841
00:44:12,349 --> 00:44:17,352
gave this to us because they love us."
842
00:44:17,352 --> 00:44:18,854
And then they'll stick it in the garage.
843
00:44:18,854 --> 00:44:23,858
They'll stick it in the garage.
844
00:44:23,858 --> 00:44:24,858
Come on.
845
00:44:31,797 --> 00:44:34,232
This is delicious.
846
00:44:34,232 --> 00:44:37,700
My hazelnut buttercream is a hit.
847
00:44:37,700 --> 00:44:39,702
I never had a doubt.
848
00:44:39,702 --> 00:44:42,702
Well, for a while there I wasn't sure
I still had the ingredients.
849
00:44:42,705 --> 00:44:45,207
If you ever need your pantry restocked,
850
00:44:45,207 --> 00:44:48,148
Just holler.
851
00:44:48,159 --> 00:44:48,658
Attention!
852
00:44:49,159 --> 00:44:51,160
Attention, everyone.
853
00:44:51,160 --> 00:44:54,663
As honourary mistress of ceremonies,
854
00:44:54,663 --> 00:44:59,166
it is my pleasure to announce
the throwing of the bouquet.
855
00:44:59,166 --> 00:45:00,167
You know the drill.
856
00:45:00,667 --> 00:45:06,055
You catch it, you're next.
857
00:45:06,055 --> 00:45:08,940
Back of the room, kid.
858
00:45:09,040 --> 00:45:10,491
No! No!
859
00:45:13,491 --> 00:45:15,491
Ready?
61868
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