All language subtitles for Family.Guy.S22E05.WEB.x264-TORRENTGALAXY_eng

♪ it seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ is violence in movies
and sex on tv ♪

♪ but where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ on which we used to rely? ♪

♪ lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ all the things that make us ♪

♪ laugh and cry ♪

♪ he's... A...
Fam... Ily... Guy! ♪

Anybody know how to empty
the reservoir on a realdoll?

'cause the website is
mostly testimonials.

Peter, of course you know
what today is.

Yeah, donald sutherland's
birthday.

And maybe another special day?

National dachshund day.

Oh, peter, you forgot our
anniversary again, didn't you?

What? No, no, I-I got you
an awesome gift.

But you can't see it
until tonight.

Tonight? Wh-why tonight?

Oh, you'll see.
Tonight is gonna be amazing.

You're gonna smile
bigger than I did

When I was on the cover
of mad magazine.

You kids don't remember mad
or magazines.

Fortunately, I'm on
broadcast television.

What, me worry?

Okay, me worry.

I wonder how old
donald sutherland is today.

-I don't know, pretty old.
-He looks good, though.

And you know what?
I think the key there

Is never looking good.

Brian, quick, check out
your six o'clock.

Or-or your nine o'clock.
I can't tell time.

A perfectly good mini fridge.

Well, you're gonna have to
fight danny devito for it.

Would you look at that.

A perfectly good,
normal-size fridge.

You know what?

If this works,
I'm going to put it in my room.

Stewie, you're too little
to have a fridge in your room.

Think whatever you want, brian,
but I'm taking this

Before danny devito gets it.

That's all right, kid.
I don't need it anymore.

♪ danny devito ♪

♪ got bit by a magic mosquito. ♪

danny devito
and the magic mosquito,

Now streaming on peacock.

I'm hearing a lot of buzz.

There he is.
Here comes the groom!

Geez, even you guys know
it's my anniversary?

-How is that possible?
-It's easy.

-I follow your wife.
-You mean on instagram?

Yep.

Peter, let me guess.

You forgot
your anniversary again.

Yeah. What's worse, I lied,
and I told lois

I had a awesome gift planned
for tonight.

If I don't come up with
something amazing,

I am so screwed.

Hey, you want to
give lois a treat?

Popcorn-ucopia.

Now, they're a little outfit
out there

In fort wayne, indiana,
family owned and operated

For five generations over there
in the "crossroads of america."

Indiana's state motto.

And get this.
They make a metal cannister

With three different kinds
of popcorn,

But they're separated!

Maybe you should just
take lois out

To a fine restaurant.

Now, I can hear some of you
saying, "joe, why separated?"

None of us are saying that, joe.

Okay, here's why.

Three flavors of popcorn
in one tin, and they don't mix.

Unless, of course,
you want them to mix.

This is a home run, man.

Kind of short notice
to get a good table

In any restaurant.

I don't think you appreciate
that they don't mix.

Your caramel corn stays separate
from your cheese corn,

Which stays separate
from your corn corn.

You see, in the past,
you would need

-Three tubs of corn.
-Yes, we get it!

We know about the corn, joe!

honestly, I don't think you do.

Forgive me for eavesdropping,

But I have a flat-bottom dory
with a quiet outboard

I'd be glad to lend you.

Full moon tonight.
Why not take your bride

On a romantic cruise
around quahog harbor?

You know what?
I think lois would like that.

Ooh, the romantic boat ride
is the perfect surprise.

You can bring along
a tub of popcorn,

'cause the tin's waterproof.

And if you'd like, I could also

Row up alongside you and
play "brandy" on the accordion.

Yeah, no, just the boat, thanks.

Aw, I always drive past my exit.

Lois is gonna love this, peter.

She's gonna think
you're a true romantic,

Like michael douglas.

So who wants to hear
how I think I got mouth cancer?

She's, uh...

She's heard this one before.

Check it out, rupert.

Juice box, boom!

Go-gurts? Yep.

And most importantly,
for freshness,

An open box of
armie hammer's baking powder,

Now with 40% more fingers.

Pretty much all he had to do
was not eat people.

How the hell did you
get that up here?

With no help from you, thanks.

But you know what?
You still get a cola.

Ah. Convenient, I guess.

Can's not so cold, though.

Yeah, everything in there
is either lukewarm

Or frozen solid.

Stewie, I still think
it's a bad idea

For you to have this thing
in here.

Yeah, not really looking for
advice from the guy

Who puts a fire emoji on
all dua lipa's instagram posts.

She's not gonna respond, bri.

She used to respond
before she had so many fans.

She was 14!
And she thought you were 11

-Because you said you were 11.
-Because I was 11!

See? You're still saying it.

Well, happy anniversary, lois.

Huh? Did I tell you?
Isn't this nice?

You know, I have to admit
I had my doubts,

But you really surprised me.

A romantic dinner on a boat?

Right? Who needs
a fancy restaurant

When you can be wet
and kind of dizzy?

Oh, peter, it's just perfect.

Well, except for
that cruise ship

That still can't dock
because of covid.

Is the election over yet?

We are all pooping in the sink!

I'm from iowa, so I still think
this is awesome.

Oh, there's something
about the ocean

That's always been
so magical to me.

And I say we celebrate.

Ah, now we're talking.

All right, cannonball!

♪ there's got to be ♪

♪ a morning after. ♪

Peter, I feel like a kid again.

Isn't this exhilarating?

The moon, the stars,

The dark triangular
dorsal fin heading our way.

The dark triangular dorsal fin
heading our way!

Shark!

Peter! Peter, don't leave me
to die out here!

Peter, come back!

Hold on, lois. I'm gonna grab
a real quick hot chocolate.

Warm up my bones.

Oh, god. Thank god.

It's just a dolphin.

Ah, perfect.

Hey, good morning, lovebirds.

So, how'd
the moonlight cruise go?

Dad saw a shark
and left mom to die.

Oh, come on.
All that nice stuff

I did last night, we're only
gonna focus on that one thing?

Damn it, peter,
you're supposed to be

The alpha in my life.

Someone to stand up
and take charge.

But you never even looked back
to see if I was okay.

Y-you just raced off.

You hear about anne heche?
Sad, huh?

Peter, don't try
to change the subject!

You were always jealous of her!

You know what, peter?

I am so disappointed in you,

I am taking the exclamation
points out of this argument.

You can't do that.

Male arguments are powerless
without volume.

That just leaves us with words.

I'm done here.

Wow, peter, I've never
seen lois so upset.

Looks like you're in--

And I find this phrase
offensive--

The doghouse.

Oh, I've solved
bigger problems than this.

Like when I forgot the safe word
at that sex party.

Aardvark. Aah!

Aardwolf. Abacus. Aah!

Abandon. Aah! Abase. Aah!

Abate. Aah! Abattoir.

the good news was
I had memorized

The entire dictionary
when I got bored over covid.

The bad news was
the safe word was "zyzzyva,"

A genus of
south american weevils,

Which, coincidentally,
I was forced to keister.

Bri, what up, dawg?
Grab a brewski from the mini.

I can't have any more, though.

Got to cram for a test
in the morning.

Where exactly
are you going to school?

Um, university of college.

Not for long, though.

Just got my grades. Not good.

Stewie, I think
this fridge thing...

Yo check out my maxim posters.

Hot, right? No, no. Yes, yes.

No, yes, no.

-Why would you put up the nos?
-So you know when it's a yes.

Stewie, we got to talk.

Brah, if this is about
you and I being roommates,

I was gonna put a word in
with colin,

But I already have one.

Brian, meet guy.

Guy? Okay. Pleased to meet you.

Oh, guy doesn't speak
much english.

He's from quebec.
Engineering, I think.

But he is insane, brian.
A legend.

Guy. Allons.

Ah, look at him drinking
that soda.

Classic guy.

-Okay, anyway, stewie...
-Can't talk now, bri.

Got to spend some time
messing around on the guitar.

I didn't even know you played.

Oh, yeah, all the time. A lot.

Bros down the hall
call me "ramen,"

'cause I'm always noodling.

Hey, what's going on, no pubes?

They-they... They call,
they call me a lot of things.

Lois, I told you
I would make it up to you,

So I got you something
very special.

I got you in the opening credits
of snl.

okay, look.

Here comes kenan.

Oh, look at him
playfully hailing a cab.

And here you are.

Look how cool and hip you look

Walking by a manhole cover
with steam coming out of it.

Uhp, looks like kenan's
still trying to wave down a cab.

Ah, there you go again!
Now you're at the club,

Holding up a "one more" signal
for a drink.

Why won't nobody stop for kenan?

Oh, but mikey day
gets a cab first try.

Oh, he's sharing it with kenan.

He's sharing it. Okay.

Oh, a very stressful
opening credits this week.

Stewie, did you do this?

Geez, brian, don't just come
barging in here like that.

I thought you were
campus security.

Guy pushed an air conditioner

Off the parking garage
yesterday.

Almost hit
a public safety officer.

By the way, that's between us.

They're going door to door.
It's pretty serious.

I don't care about that.

I want to know who wrote
"renob" on my chest

When I was sleeping.

"renob"? Brian,
you read that in the mirror.

-It's "boner."
-what?!

Great. Thanks, bri.

Now we've got the r.A.
Coming in to check on us.

Hey, stewie, guy, look,

I like fun as much as anybody,
but we've had some complaints,

And you really got to keep
the noise down in here.

Oh, and, hey, I reviewed
your party application,

And everything looks
to be in order,

So you're good to go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
wait a minute. Party?

-Who's having a party?
-I am.

And it'll be loaded
with chicks, thanks to guy.

This guy's all about
the poutine,

Which sounds dirty,
but it's just a gravy

They put on french fries.

Stewie, you've taken this
mini fridge thing too far.

I'm moving this thing
out of here.

Oh, be careful, bri.
Not a good idea.

You don't want to piss off guy.

Yesterday he crow-hopped
a dip tin

And knocked a guy out.

Oh, wow, did he really?

Well, now I'm so
very scared of guy.

-Aah!
-Oh, ho, ho, guy.

Ce fut un grand lancer!

Je crois qu'il est mort, eh?

Special flowers
for a special lady.

Hmm. These are nice.

Except...

They smell like--
what is that, exhaust?

Why is there a picture
of a teenage latina on them?

Peter, did you steal these
from a roadside memorial?

They didn't love her
as much as I love you, lois.

Besides, it's not like
she can see 'em.

Stolen flowers? Really, peter?

Is that all I mean to you?

Well, there's also a candle
with one of them

Spooky skeletons from coco.

You know, peter,
a relationship is

Supposed to grow over time,

To give you a sense of purpose
and meaning.

But after all these years
with you,

I-I just feel worthless.

I feel as worthless as any coin
smaller than a quarter.

Hello, my name is nickel.

hi, nickel.

There was a time when I paid for

A ride on a trolley,
or a good cigar,

Or a hand-cranked film
of a man tipping his hat

And twirling his moustache.

But yesterday, I was part of
a handful of change

At a mcdonald's,

And the teenage girl
threw us out.

Just-just threw us in the trash
with the wrappers and the bag.

Yeah. And I'm voiced
by kevin hart.

coming this fall
from pixar, coins!

We'll keep making things talk
until you don't show up.

Come on, lois. Are you gonna
stay mad at me forever?

I've done stupid things before,
and you've always forgiven me.

Oh, I forgive you, peter.

I just don't think
I'll ever be able to see you

As a man, my protector
or a real husband again.

Oh, okay.

I see.

Well, if that's how you feel,
I'll just take my things

And get out of your way.

This is a different realdoll.

I never figured out
how to empty the other one.

This is not good, guys.

She put a little
black-and-white tv

On the sun porch
and then slept there last night.

Ooh, that's the angriest
a new England wife can get.

Look, if I could do it
all over again, I'd save her,

'cause now I know
it was a dolphin

And there was no real danger.

Peter, don't you see?

We got to make you
the hero again.

Wait, say that again.

We got to make you
the hero again.

Yep, yeah, you got weird teeth.

Wait. What did you say before
about the hero thing?

I said we've got to make peter
the hero...

You're right.
He does have weird teeth.

I just have to show lois
I can still be her hero.

that's exactly
what I was saying.

Brian, you made it.

Aw, damn it,
I love this son of a bitch.

Are you... Are you drunk?

Nah, I just spun around
a few times.

Stewie, it's-it's really loud.

Oh, that's all guy, man.

His speakers aren't even
legal in america.

Stewie, you were supposed to be
in bed at 7:50.

The only clock we have in here
says "miller time."

Come on, brian, this could be
the greatest night of our lives,

But you're all, "stewie's too
little to have a mini fridge."

What happened to the brian
I used to know?

You know what? You're right.

I guess I was just worried
about your safety.

But what the hell.

I can party with
the best of them, even guy.

There you go.

What's the worst that could
happen, right? Check it.

Guy put his speakers
out the window,

And he's cranking wagner.

Everybody's like, "what?!"

♪ ♪

You know, I don't know why
I let you talk me into

Coming back down here.

Because in your heart,
you know I love you, lois.

And because,
as chris daughtry says,

I'll try to do it right
this time.

It's not over.

-Hmm. Daughtry says it better.
-I agree.

hi, lois.

Your husband peter
wanted me to tell you

He'll try to do it right
this time, and...

♪ it's not over. ♪

Also, you may want to remind him
that his venmo did not work,

And we're gonna need to find
an alternative form of payment.

Oh, if he was wearing
that straw hat,

I would've wet myself.

♪ ♪

Oh, he's got her.

The daughtry thing worked,
quagmire.

Of course it did.

Sometimes I suffer under
the weight of my own genius.

We're all set.

This is gonna work
as long as peter remembers

To have lois
step on the 18th plank.

18th plank. 18th plank.

Eighteen. Eighteen.

Oh, I wonder if
daughtry's coming to

The quahog amphitheater
this season.

Let's see, blink-182,
twenty one pilots,

Thirty seconds to mars...

182, 21, 30.

10,000 maniacs?

Geez, how old is
natalie merchant now? 60?

10,000, 60.

Look, lois, I'll take you
to every one of those shows

If you just stop saying numbers
and get on the damn pier.

Uh, I-I mean,
after you, my queen.

♪ ♪

Uh, no, no. Wrong plank.
Not there.

-Huh?
-No, it's nothing.

I just think you were
supposed to step here.

What the hell?
Peter, are you okay?

Uh, don't worry, lois.

I'll protect you
if there's any sharks around.

I said, if there's
any sharks around.

Peter, I'm not ready.
I lost one of my flippers.

What do you mean,
you're not ready?

It's not gonna work
without a shark.

Oh, don't worry,
there's one right there.

♪ ♪

Oh, phew.

Thank god.

Peter, are you all right?

Lois, you saved me.

Peter, did you rig
this whole thing

So that I would fall
into the water?

Yes.

I guess now you're
really mad at me, huh?

You know what? I'm not.

Because I just realized
something, peter.

I do have an alpha in my life,

Someone to stand up
and take charge, and it's me.

It's always been me.

And I will never again
look outside of myself

For happiness, validation
or anything.

And you, you helped me
see this, peter. Thank you.

Okay.

And you're sure you're not mad?

Oh, no, peter, I'm not mad.

I'm horny. Hornier than
I've been in a long time.

Now, get those pants off,
you fat little bag of dirt.

Oh.

Happy anniversary?

I didn't say you could talk!

But happy anniversary, peter.

This is awesome.

You know, for a fat guy,
peter's got a tiny ass.

Perfectly separated popcorn,
anyone?

This is good.
Where'd you get it?

An elder abuse victim
sent it to the station

As a thank-you
for arresting her grandson.

I'm just glad something good
came out of it.

Don't be late for work,
now, peter.

-Yah!
-Ooh! Ow. Fresh.

See you tonight.

It's good to see you two
getting along.

Oh, yeah. Our marriage
will be just fine

As long as peter remembers
that I am everything

And he is nothing.

Is stewie still sleeping?

Probably. He was up
pretty late last night.

I'll go check on him.

Stewie, you up?

That was some...

♪ ♪

Oh, my god!

Damn it, stewie, I told you

You were too little
to have a fridge in your room.

oh... Oh, god.