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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,870 --> 00:00:04,071 (SOMBER CHORAL MUSIC PLAYING) 2 00:00:35,202 --> 00:00:36,838 MALE NARRATOR: New York City. 3 00:00:36,938 --> 00:00:39,007 Population: 100. 4 00:00:39,106 --> 00:00:44,612 A land full of CEOs, VIPs and STIs. 5 00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:45,713 And with that many people, 6 00:00:45,813 --> 00:00:49,651 there's bound to be a few great stories. 7 00:00:49,751 --> 00:00:50,919 Like this one. 8 00:00:51,019 --> 00:00:54,822 Our story begins like all great stories, 9 00:00:54,923 --> 00:00:57,224 with two straight men. 10 00:00:57,324 --> 00:01:00,227 MAN: Oh, fuck, I am good. 11 00:01:00,327 --> 00:01:03,297 Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. (GRUNTS) 12 00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:05,533 MALE NARRATOR: This is Craig Tiddle. 13 00:01:05,633 --> 00:01:08,536 (MAN WHOOPING WILDLY) 14 00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:11,606 (MOANING) 15 00:01:11,706 --> 00:01:14,042 MALE NARRATOR: And this is Trevor Brock. 16 00:01:14,141 --> 00:01:17,144 They're twins. Identical twins. 17 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:19,279 Fuck you! They are. 18 00:01:19,379 --> 00:01:21,716 And how do I know all of this? 19 00:01:21,816 --> 00:01:23,952 Because I'm God. 20 00:01:24,052 --> 00:01:25,587 That's right. God. 21 00:01:25,687 --> 00:01:29,089 He/him. The greatest storyteller of all time. 22 00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:30,892 Check the sales of my book. 23 00:01:30,992 --> 00:01:33,160 Number-one bestseller in the world. 24 00:01:33,260 --> 00:01:36,496 They're highly successful alpha males. 25 00:01:36,598 --> 00:01:38,265 Virile. Strong. 26 00:01:38,365 --> 00:01:41,401 And oh-so-very manly. 27 00:01:46,708 --> 00:01:47,875 (SQUEAKING) 28 00:01:52,847 --> 00:01:54,616 Fuck yeah. 29 00:01:54,716 --> 00:01:58,920 GOD: Wow, those twins really have it all. 30 00:01:59,020 --> 00:02:00,287 -(SLURPING) -(SNORTING) 31 00:02:00,688 --> 00:02:01,856 (SLURPING) 32 00:02:01,956 --> 00:02:03,658 Oh! Good morning! 33 00:02:04,826 --> 00:02:07,127 GOD: Or do they? 34 00:02:07,227 --> 00:02:09,764 Craig and Trevor don't know they're twins. 35 00:02:09,864 --> 00:02:13,433 They were separated at birth and have never met. 36 00:02:13,534 --> 00:02:17,038 But that all changes today. 37 00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,306 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 38 00:02:25,813 --> 00:02:26,614 (SHATTERS) 39 00:02:26,714 --> 00:02:28,415 Oh, Craig, I think you dropped your mug. 40 00:02:28,516 --> 00:02:30,450 Keep it, old lady. I got a lot of mugs. 41 00:02:30,551 --> 00:02:31,819 I got a lot of everything. 42 00:02:31,919 --> 00:02:33,621 Wow, your life seems perfect. 43 00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:37,558 Trust me, my smelly friend, it is. 44 00:02:37,659 --> 00:02:39,961 ♪ I got a mansion in the Hamptons ♪ 45 00:02:40,061 --> 00:02:42,195 ♪ I got a bungalow upstate ♪ 46 00:02:42,295 --> 00:02:44,699 ♪ I got a penthouse just for fucking ♪ 47 00:02:44,799 --> 00:02:46,668 ♪ And another where I masturbate ♪ 48 00:02:46,768 --> 00:02:47,702 ♪ Pow ♪ 49 00:02:47,802 --> 00:02:49,871 ♪ The money just keeps rolling in ♪ 50 00:02:49,971 --> 00:02:52,239 ♪ The good times never stop ♪ 51 00:02:52,339 --> 00:02:54,274 ♪ There's never been a man like me ♪ 52 00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:56,944 ♪ And I'll always be on top ♪ 53 00:02:58,546 --> 00:02:59,947 Package for Trevor Brock. 54 00:03:00,048 --> 00:03:01,149 Fuck this tiny thing. 55 00:03:01,248 --> 00:03:03,885 I already got the biggest package in town. 56 00:03:03,985 --> 00:03:06,054 ♪ My cock is fucking massive ♪ 57 00:03:06,154 --> 00:03:08,422 ♪ It always leaves the ladies sore ♪ 58 00:03:08,523 --> 00:03:10,725 ♪ Seven inches long Curves to the left ♪ 59 00:03:10,825 --> 00:03:12,760 ♪ Then it goes ten inches more ♪ 60 00:03:12,860 --> 00:03:14,696 -♪ Ooh! ♪ -♪ I got girls and cash ♪ 61 00:03:14,796 --> 00:03:15,697 ♪ Cars and booze ♪ 62 00:03:15,797 --> 00:03:18,032 ♪ I'm the cream of the fucking crop ♪ 63 00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:20,267 ♪ There's never been a man like me ♪ 64 00:03:20,367 --> 00:03:22,970 ♪ And I'll always be on top ♪ 65 00:03:23,071 --> 00:03:24,972 (MUSIC CONTINUES) 66 00:03:25,073 --> 00:03:26,440 Thanks, doll. 67 00:03:26,874 --> 00:03:28,241 Mm-mm. 68 00:03:28,943 --> 00:03:30,912 (INDISTINCT CHATTER) 69 00:03:31,012 --> 00:03:32,379 Oop. 70 00:03:34,182 --> 00:03:35,550 You have a good day. 71 00:03:36,517 --> 00:03:37,484 Huh? 72 00:03:43,091 --> 00:03:44,424 Whoa. 73 00:03:49,163 --> 00:03:50,865 (WHISTLES) 74 00:03:51,933 --> 00:03:53,801 (MOANING) 75 00:03:56,571 --> 00:03:58,371 -You're welcome. -You're welcome. 76 00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,848 -BOTH: ♪ I'm the best ♪ - (ALL CHEER) 77 00:04:06,948 --> 00:04:09,117 ♪ So fucking blessed ♪ 78 00:04:09,217 --> 00:04:12,019 ♪ Sexy, smart It's just not fair ♪ 79 00:04:12,120 --> 00:04:14,789 ♪ I slay pussy everywhere ♪ 80 00:04:14,889 --> 00:04:16,190 ♪ I get what I want ♪ 81 00:04:16,289 --> 00:04:18,358 ♪ And what I got I flaunt ♪ 82 00:04:18,458 --> 00:04:21,996 ♪ And though some people find it strange ♪ 83 00:04:22,096 --> 00:04:23,363 (SHOES SQUEAKING) 84 00:04:23,463 --> 00:04:26,968 ♪ No one's gonna make me change ♪ 85 00:04:27,068 --> 00:04:29,469 -(ELECTRICAL CRACKLING) -(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) 86 00:04:37,277 --> 00:04:39,446 BOTH: Oh, my God. 87 00:04:39,547 --> 00:04:40,882 Sorry, you just... (CHUCKLES) 88 00:04:40,982 --> 00:04:41,749 You really look like me. 89 00:04:41,849 --> 00:04:44,085 I think you mean that you look like me. 90 00:04:44,185 --> 00:04:45,987 -Craig Tiddle. -Trevor Brock. 91 00:04:46,087 --> 00:04:47,454 -Whoa. -Whoa. (CHUCKLES) 92 00:04:47,555 --> 00:04:48,556 I think I got some lube on you. 93 00:04:48,656 --> 00:04:51,058 Hey, no worries. I'll save that for later. 94 00:04:51,159 --> 00:04:52,459 Say, where do you work? 95 00:04:52,560 --> 00:04:55,462 GVPI. It's my first day at the new corporate headquarters. 96 00:04:55,563 --> 00:04:57,031 Hot damn! Me, too. 97 00:04:57,131 --> 00:04:58,599 You must be from the downtown office? 98 00:04:58,699 --> 00:05:00,701 That I am. Take it you're from the uptown branch? 99 00:05:00,802 --> 00:05:03,336 -My reputation precedes me. -Nope. Never heard of you. 100 00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:05,273 Actually, I'm the one who's never heard of you, so... 101 00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:06,373 Well, you should've heard of me, 102 00:05:06,473 --> 00:05:07,942 because I'm the number-one salesman 103 00:05:08,042 --> 00:05:09,110 this company's got. 104 00:05:09,210 --> 00:05:10,278 Hate to break it to you, buddy, 105 00:05:10,377 --> 00:05:12,345 but last time I checked, I was number one. 106 00:05:12,445 --> 00:05:13,748 Craig Tiddle's always on top. 107 00:05:13,848 --> 00:05:16,383 You might be on top of a sex offenders registry, 108 00:05:16,483 --> 00:05:18,653 but I've always been the best salesman. 109 00:05:18,753 --> 00:05:20,988 Fuck you, pal. I've had a record month. 110 00:05:21,088 --> 00:05:23,323 While you were in bed milking your morning wood, 111 00:05:23,423 --> 00:05:25,660 I've been pounding the pavement making sales. 112 00:05:25,760 --> 00:05:26,961 If you think I can't make sales 113 00:05:27,061 --> 00:05:28,196 and jerk off at the same time, 114 00:05:28,296 --> 00:05:29,797 you got another thing coming because... 115 00:05:29,897 --> 00:05:32,266 ♪ I always get the things I want ♪ 116 00:05:32,365 --> 00:05:34,334 ♪ There's no way I can flop ♪ 117 00:05:34,434 --> 00:05:36,971 ♪ There's never been a man like me ♪ 118 00:05:37,071 --> 00:05:39,273 ♪ And I'll always be I'll always be ♪ 119 00:05:39,372 --> 00:05:41,142 ♪ I'll always be on top ♪ 120 00:05:41,242 --> 00:05:42,409 (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS) 121 00:05:42,510 --> 00:05:44,145 (JINGLE PLAYS) ♪ Global Vroomba Parts ♪ 122 00:05:44,245 --> 00:05:45,680 ♪ No, we don't sell Vroombas ♪ 123 00:05:45,780 --> 00:05:47,380 ♪ Just the parts Like the gears ♪ 124 00:05:47,480 --> 00:05:49,817 ♪ And the wheels and those teeny tiny brushes ♪ 125 00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:51,418 Listen to me, you piece of shit. 126 00:05:51,519 --> 00:05:52,687 The sooner you make me money, 127 00:05:52,787 --> 00:05:54,722 the sooner you can afford health insurance. 128 00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:58,192 -Health care is a luxury. -(GRUNTING) 129 00:05:58,292 --> 00:06:00,127 (CRASHING) 130 00:06:01,929 --> 00:06:04,665 This is... gorgeous. 131 00:06:04,765 --> 00:06:07,068 Beautiful. A beautiful space. 132 00:06:07,168 --> 00:06:08,536 Craig Tiddle, Trevor Brock. 133 00:06:08,636 --> 00:06:10,137 My two top salesmen. 134 00:06:10,238 --> 00:06:12,273 Oh, um, actually, I'm Trevor. 135 00:06:12,372 --> 00:06:13,507 Yeah, and I'm Craig. 136 00:06:13,608 --> 00:06:15,475 Oh, okay, well... 137 00:06:15,576 --> 00:06:17,645 You two motherfuckers look like y'all could be twins. 138 00:06:17,745 --> 00:06:19,146 -Mm, I don't see it. -CRAIG: I think we actually 139 00:06:19,247 --> 00:06:20,581 -look very dissimilar. -Yeah. 140 00:06:20,681 --> 00:06:21,749 I guess it's just, uh, uh, 141 00:06:21,849 --> 00:06:23,551 some shit that I really don't care about. 142 00:06:23,651 --> 00:06:25,987 I'm your new boss, Gloria Masters. 143 00:06:26,087 --> 00:06:27,889 Wow, a-a lady boss. 144 00:06:27,989 --> 00:06:30,791 I guess it really is the year that it is. 145 00:06:30,892 --> 00:06:32,526 -I'm crazy about that. -Yes, the year of the pussy. 146 00:06:32,627 --> 00:06:34,562 Exactly. So, boss, we were wondering, 147 00:06:34,662 --> 00:06:36,264 which one of us is top salesman 148 00:06:36,364 --> 00:06:37,899 and which one is a dumb little baby? 149 00:06:37,999 --> 00:06:39,100 Well, I'm glad you asked. 150 00:06:39,200 --> 00:06:42,069 As you can see right here, I have installed a leaderboard 151 00:06:42,169 --> 00:06:43,337 that tracks y'all's sales. 152 00:06:43,436 --> 00:06:45,072 -Plug 'er in, fellas. -(BEEPING) 153 00:06:45,172 --> 00:06:49,277 (VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS) 154 00:06:49,377 --> 00:06:50,945 (EMPLOYEES GASPING) 155 00:06:51,045 --> 00:06:52,647 -Yes! Yes! -Oh, no. 156 00:06:52,747 --> 00:06:55,216 Trevor Brock, my prize pig. 157 00:06:55,316 --> 00:06:57,151 But the rest of you motherfuckers? 158 00:06:57,251 --> 00:06:58,719 Get to work. 159 00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,988 Hey, tough titty, Tiddle. 160 00:07:01,088 --> 00:07:04,025 Hey, but chin up, maybe you could be my assistant. 161 00:07:04,125 --> 00:07:06,928 (WHISPERING) All my assistants suck my dick. 162 00:07:07,028 --> 00:07:08,396 -(GASPS) -(LAUGHTER) 163 00:07:08,495 --> 00:07:11,632 (VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS) 164 00:07:11,732 --> 00:07:13,100 What in God's green hell? 165 00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:15,803 (BANGS TABLE) Mark me down for 2,000 wheels, 2,000 gears 166 00:07:15,903 --> 00:07:17,939 and 3,000 of those teeny tiny brushes. 167 00:07:18,039 --> 00:07:19,206 That's a big sale. 168 00:07:19,307 --> 00:07:20,508 Let this be a lesson to you. 169 00:07:20,608 --> 00:07:22,677 Use people, like pawns on a checkerboard. 170 00:07:22,777 --> 00:07:25,146 (VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS) 171 00:07:25,246 --> 00:07:26,147 (LAUGHTER) 172 00:07:26,247 --> 00:07:27,882 -Son of a fucking bitch. -(GASPING) 173 00:07:27,982 --> 00:07:30,450 That's right. Back where I belong. 174 00:07:30,551 --> 00:07:33,120 CRAIG: For now. I'll admit, you're good. 175 00:07:33,220 --> 00:07:34,422 It's gonna be fun to crush you. 176 00:07:34,522 --> 00:07:35,656 Right back at you. 177 00:07:35,756 --> 00:07:37,291 -May the best man... -Win. 178 00:07:37,391 --> 00:07:39,293 Win. I was gonna say that. 179 00:07:39,393 --> 00:07:41,829 ♪ Craig Tiddle's fucking awesome ♪ 180 00:07:41,929 --> 00:07:44,432 ♪ Trevor Brock is off the charts ♪ 181 00:07:44,532 --> 00:07:46,667 ♪ They talk a lot about their dicks ♪ 182 00:07:46,767 --> 00:07:48,970 ♪ And they sell fucking Vroomba parts ♪ 183 00:07:49,070 --> 00:07:51,305 ♪ You won't ever take me down ♪ 184 00:07:51,405 --> 00:07:53,574 ♪ I'll work until I drop ♪ 185 00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:56,177 ♪ There's never been a man like me ♪ 186 00:07:56,277 --> 00:07:58,713 ♪ And I'll always be on top ♪ 187 00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,049 ♪ 15,000 gears ♪ 188 00:08:02,149 --> 00:08:03,617 -♪ Money, money, money ♪ -♪ Craig Tiddle ♪ 189 00:08:03,718 --> 00:08:04,986 -♪ Money, money, money ♪ -♪ Number one ♪ 190 00:08:05,086 --> 00:08:06,787 ♪ 20,000 wheels ♪ 191 00:08:06,887 --> 00:08:08,322 -♪ Money, money, money ♪ -♪ Trevor Brock ♪ 192 00:08:08,422 --> 00:08:09,323 -♪ Money, money, money ♪ -♪ Is getting it done ♪ 193 00:08:09,423 --> 00:08:10,458 ♪ 30,000 gears ♪ 194 00:08:10,558 --> 00:08:11,659 ♪ Craig Tiddle You're the best ♪ 195 00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:12,727 ♪ 40,000 wheels ♪ 196 00:08:12,827 --> 00:08:14,562 ♪ Trevor Brock Sign my chest ♪ 197 00:08:16,496 --> 00:08:18,199 I love fucking money! 198 00:08:18,299 --> 00:08:20,167 ♪ Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? ♪ 199 00:08:20,267 --> 00:08:21,502 ♪ Who's it gonna be? 200 00:08:21,602 --> 00:08:24,238 ♪ Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? ♪ 201 00:08:24,338 --> 00:08:26,507 (VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS) 202 00:08:28,542 --> 00:08:31,112 BOTH: 100,000 teeny tiny brushes! 203 00:08:32,113 --> 00:08:33,814 ♪ Look around ♪ 204 00:08:33,914 --> 00:08:36,050 ♪ It's plain to see ♪ 205 00:08:36,150 --> 00:08:40,554 ♪ There's never been a man like me ♪ 206 00:08:42,390 --> 00:08:46,894 ♪ 'Cause I'm the fucking ♪ 207 00:08:46,994 --> 00:08:52,266 ♪ Top... ♪ 208 00:08:52,366 --> 00:08:54,201 (PANTING) 209 00:08:55,504 --> 00:08:57,705 -(HORNS HONKING) -(INDISTINCT CHATTER) 210 00:08:58,973 --> 00:09:00,007 Whew. 211 00:09:00,107 --> 00:09:01,275 Still at it, shrimp? 212 00:09:01,375 --> 00:09:02,643 Work hard, stay hard. 213 00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:04,345 Never been tied for first before. 214 00:09:04,445 --> 00:09:05,980 I'm used to being the total top. 215 00:09:06,080 --> 00:09:07,948 Oh, yeah, I'm gunning for your ass, little boy. 216 00:09:08,049 --> 00:09:10,017 -(SCOFFS) -That's why I'm here late. 217 00:09:10,117 --> 00:09:11,419 -Grinding. -Same. 218 00:09:11,520 --> 00:09:13,187 Definitely not because I have nowhere to go 219 00:09:13,287 --> 00:09:14,922 and no one to see. 220 00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:16,824 Oh, I got a vast network of meaningful relationships, 221 00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,426 for sure, but no time for those now. 222 00:09:18,527 --> 00:09:21,062 I got to put in the hours so I can stay ahead of you, Craig. 223 00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:22,930 -Trevor. -Huh? 224 00:09:23,030 --> 00:09:25,666 You just called me Craig. You're Craig. I'm Trevor. 225 00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:28,469 (LAUGHING) God, you're such an idiot, Trevor. 226 00:09:28,569 --> 00:09:29,703 No, I'm Craig. 227 00:09:29,804 --> 00:09:31,906 -You're Trevor, Trevor. -Damn it, we look alike. 228 00:09:32,006 --> 00:09:33,774 We do not. You have long hair like a girl. 229 00:09:33,874 --> 00:09:35,376 You have short hair like a lesbian girl. 230 00:09:35,476 --> 00:09:37,244 This haircut is classic Trevor. 231 00:09:37,344 --> 00:09:39,013 Fuck. Classic Cr... Fuck you! 232 00:09:39,113 --> 00:09:40,047 No, fuck you. 233 00:09:40,147 --> 00:09:42,283 -You don't get me. -You don't get me, either. 234 00:09:42,383 --> 00:09:43,518 No one does. 235 00:09:43,617 --> 00:09:46,120 (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) 236 00:09:51,526 --> 00:09:55,796 ♪ I'm in this struggle all alone ♪ 237 00:09:55,896 --> 00:09:59,733 ♪ I don't know what to do ♪ 238 00:09:59,834 --> 00:10:03,370 ♪ I wish there was someone who knew ♪ 239 00:10:03,471 --> 00:10:06,941 ♪ What I am going through ♪ 240 00:10:07,041 --> 00:10:10,344 ♪ This feeling that I'm feeling ♪ 241 00:10:10,444 --> 00:10:14,081 ♪ It feels so very bad ♪ 242 00:10:14,181 --> 00:10:17,351 ♪ It's almost like my life's a lie ♪ 243 00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:22,256 ♪ And actually I'm sad ♪ 244 00:10:22,356 --> 00:10:27,628 ♪ No one understands what I've been through ♪ 245 00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:33,334 ♪ No one knows what it's like to be ♪ 246 00:10:33,434 --> 00:10:36,637 ♪ A man with my specific life ♪ 247 00:10:36,737 --> 00:10:39,608 ♪ Saying these specific words ♪ 248 00:10:39,707 --> 00:10:43,644 ♪ The only one who understands ♪ 249 00:10:43,744 --> 00:10:46,714 ♪ Is me ♪ 250 00:10:46,814 --> 00:10:48,916 Say, is this your family? 251 00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,952 (LAUGHS) What? No. But I definitely have a real family. 252 00:10:52,052 --> 00:10:53,954 And they're rich and smart and kind and real. 253 00:10:54,054 --> 00:10:56,525 Oh, me, too. I got a birth mommy and a birth daddy, 254 00:10:56,625 --> 00:10:59,093 same as everybody else. 255 00:10:59,193 --> 00:11:01,829 ♪ Growing up with just a mom ♪ 256 00:11:01,929 --> 00:11:05,032 ♪ It left a gaping hole ♪ 257 00:11:05,132 --> 00:11:08,135 ♪ My single dad He did his best ♪ 258 00:11:08,235 --> 00:11:11,338 ♪ But life She took her toll ♪ 259 00:11:11,438 --> 00:11:14,609 ♪ With Pops I could have fished for fish ♪ 260 00:11:14,708 --> 00:11:17,344 ♪ My fastball we'd perfect ♪ 261 00:11:17,444 --> 00:11:20,848 ♪ With Mom I could have learned to bake ♪ 262 00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:25,886 ♪ Or show women respect ♪ 263 00:11:25,986 --> 00:11:32,026 ♪ No one understands what I've been through ♪ 264 00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:36,598 ♪ No one knows what it's like to be ♪ 265 00:11:36,697 --> 00:11:39,800 ♪ A man with my specific life ♪ 266 00:11:39,900 --> 00:11:42,970 ♪ Saying these specific words ♪ 267 00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:47,074 ♪ The only one who understands ♪ 268 00:11:47,174 --> 00:11:49,109 ♪ Is me ♪ 269 00:11:49,210 --> 00:11:52,947 ♪ If you think I've had it easy ♪ 270 00:11:53,047 --> 00:11:55,684 ♪ Then you're wrong ♪ 271 00:11:55,783 --> 00:11:59,019 ♪ The road's been fucking hard ♪ 272 00:11:59,119 --> 00:12:02,022 -♪ And fucking long ♪ -(CRASHING) 273 00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:04,959 ♪ Everything I ever got ♪ 274 00:12:05,059 --> 00:12:08,095 ♪ I got all on my own ♪ 275 00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:11,065 ♪ I rose up from the ashes ♪ 276 00:12:11,165 --> 00:12:15,836 ♪ Of my single-parent home ♪ 277 00:12:15,936 --> 00:12:18,973 ♪ 'Cause I've always been a fighter ♪ 278 00:12:19,073 --> 00:12:22,309 ♪ Since the day that I was born ♪ 279 00:12:22,409 --> 00:12:28,315 ♪ On January 3rd, 1986 ♪ 280 00:12:28,415 --> 00:12:34,388 -♪ At 5:08 a.m. ♪ -♪ At 5:07 a.m. ♪ 281 00:12:34,488 --> 00:12:35,923 Wait, what the fuck, dude? 282 00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:39,628 Yeah, there are a lot of similarities happening here. 283 00:12:39,728 --> 00:12:41,028 -What is that? -This? 284 00:12:41,128 --> 00:12:42,731 Oh, the only thing I have 285 00:12:42,830 --> 00:12:44,398 from the dad I never knew is... 286 00:12:44,498 --> 00:12:46,233 BOTH: Half of a locket. 287 00:12:46,333 --> 00:12:48,302 This is the only thing I have from my mom. 288 00:12:48,402 --> 00:12:50,904 I've never understood mine. It just says "our bo." 289 00:12:51,005 --> 00:12:52,940 I think it must be an ancient Indigenous saying. 290 00:12:53,040 --> 00:12:54,576 Mine only says "toys." 291 00:12:54,676 --> 00:12:56,977 Huh. But what if...? 292 00:12:57,712 --> 00:12:58,979 (BOTH GASPING) 293 00:12:59,079 --> 00:13:01,148 BOTH: "Our two boys." 294 00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:03,150 Oh, my God. Does this mean... 295 00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:04,719 Hold on, sorry, you thought that said "toys"? 296 00:13:04,818 --> 00:13:06,987 Yeah, T-W-O-Y-S, toys. 297 00:13:07,087 --> 00:13:08,556 No, there's not a "W" in toys. 298 00:13:08,657 --> 00:13:09,658 Damn it all to fuck, Craig! 299 00:13:09,758 --> 00:13:11,125 Who cares about letters right now? 300 00:13:11,225 --> 00:13:13,360 You only have a dad. I only have a mom. 301 00:13:13,460 --> 00:13:15,796 We were born on the same day, almost down to the minute. 302 00:13:15,896 --> 00:13:17,031 We must be brothers. 303 00:13:17,131 --> 00:13:18,499 Not just brothers, Trevor. 304 00:13:18,600 --> 00:13:19,567 Twins. 305 00:13:19,668 --> 00:13:21,503 BOTH: Wow, we're twins. 306 00:13:21,603 --> 00:13:23,003 We're fucking identical twins. 307 00:13:24,204 --> 00:13:29,276 ♪ No one understands what I've been through ♪ 308 00:13:30,344 --> 00:13:34,348 ♪ No one knows what it's like to be ♪ 309 00:13:34,448 --> 00:13:36,817 ♪ A man who thought he was alone ♪ 310 00:13:36,917 --> 00:13:38,753 ♪ But then found out he had a twin ♪ 311 00:13:38,886 --> 00:13:41,523 ♪ Who works at the same fucking job ♪ 312 00:13:42,590 --> 00:13:47,227 ♪ What a big coincidence ♪ 313 00:13:47,328 --> 00:13:54,234 ♪ The only one who understands ♪ 314 00:13:55,770 --> 00:14:01,141 ♪ Is we ♪ 315 00:14:03,578 --> 00:14:07,481 ♪ Is we ♪ 316 00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:14,321 ♪ Is we ♪ 317 00:14:16,990 --> 00:14:19,460 (QUIET CHATTER) 318 00:14:19,561 --> 00:14:21,895 Gears. Wheels. 319 00:14:21,995 --> 00:14:23,631 Teeny tiny brush... Wow. 320 00:14:23,732 --> 00:14:28,168 L, M, N, O... 321 00:14:28,268 --> 00:14:29,370 P. 322 00:14:36,343 --> 00:14:37,945 -Hey. -Hey. 323 00:14:39,614 --> 00:14:40,815 This is crazy, right? 324 00:14:40,914 --> 00:14:42,449 -Totally crazy. I mean... -(GLASS SHATTERS) 325 00:14:42,550 --> 00:14:44,753 What are the odds of working with your long-lost twin? 326 00:14:44,853 --> 00:14:46,954 I don't know, one in four, three in four? 327 00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:48,623 -It's crazy. -Crazy. 328 00:14:48,723 --> 00:14:49,724 But wait. 329 00:14:49,824 --> 00:14:51,892 I can't believe Mom and Dad split us up. 330 00:14:51,992 --> 00:14:53,528 Like, is that abuse? 331 00:14:53,628 --> 00:14:54,863 Did they abuse us? 332 00:14:54,962 --> 00:14:56,897 We definitely experienced abuse-ment. 333 00:14:56,997 --> 00:14:59,032 -Oh, my God. -I mean, don't get me wrong. 334 00:14:59,133 --> 00:15:00,267 My life is awesome. 335 00:15:00,367 --> 00:15:02,369 No, no, no, no, m-m-mine is awesome, too. 336 00:15:02,469 --> 00:15:04,304 -I have an amazing job. -Amazing job. 337 00:15:04,405 --> 00:15:05,673 I'm always dating some big-tit lady. 338 00:15:05,774 --> 00:15:07,074 Stunning big-tit ladies. 339 00:15:07,174 --> 00:15:08,843 I always get the things I want. 340 00:15:08,942 --> 00:15:10,144 Except for a real family. 341 00:15:10,244 --> 00:15:12,212 Single-parent homes are not real families. 342 00:15:12,312 --> 00:15:13,548 That's true. 343 00:15:13,648 --> 00:15:15,249 BOTH: Hmm. 344 00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:18,318 What do we do? 345 00:15:18,419 --> 00:15:20,988 You know, if Mom and Dad got married again, 346 00:15:21,088 --> 00:15:23,357 then we'd have a real family. 347 00:15:23,457 --> 00:15:24,626 What if... 348 00:15:25,827 --> 00:15:28,362 What if we tricked them into getting back together? 349 00:15:28,462 --> 00:15:30,297 Keep talking until I understand. 350 00:15:30,397 --> 00:15:32,132 We trick Mom and Dad into thinking 351 00:15:32,232 --> 00:15:33,535 they need to get married again. 352 00:15:33,635 --> 00:15:34,903 Oh, my God, yes. 353 00:15:35,002 --> 00:15:36,805 I'll go talk to Dad now and trick him 354 00:15:36,905 --> 00:15:38,673 into getting back together with Mom. 355 00:15:38,773 --> 00:15:40,340 Well, uh, no offense, 356 00:15:40,441 --> 00:15:41,975 -but you'd probably fuck it up. -Oh. 357 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,611 I should be the one to trick Dad. 358 00:15:43,711 --> 00:15:44,846 But you've never met him. 359 00:15:44,945 --> 00:15:46,480 Baby, I'm the number-one salesman. 360 00:15:46,581 --> 00:15:47,481 I could trick anybody. 361 00:15:47,582 --> 00:15:50,017 Okay, hold up, I'm the number-one salesman. 362 00:15:50,117 --> 00:15:51,318 If anybody's gonna trick a parent 363 00:15:51,418 --> 00:15:52,986 they've never met, it's gonna be me. 364 00:15:53,086 --> 00:15:55,022 While you're tricking Dad, I'll trick Mom. 365 00:15:55,122 --> 00:15:56,724 And I'll do it better. 366 00:15:56,825 --> 00:15:58,258 All right, then. It's settled. 367 00:15:58,358 --> 00:16:00,528 We're switching places to trick the parent we never knew 368 00:16:00,628 --> 00:16:01,696 into getting married again. 369 00:16:01,796 --> 00:16:03,030 -Fine. Fine. -Fine. 370 00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:04,933 Which means we're going to need... 371 00:16:05,032 --> 00:16:06,901 BOTH: Disguises! 372 00:16:07,000 --> 00:16:09,436 Wow, you look so good, King. 373 00:16:09,537 --> 00:16:10,605 You, too, King. 374 00:16:10,705 --> 00:16:12,607 I mean, obviously, I would've preferred a lace front, 375 00:16:12,707 --> 00:16:15,275 but sometimes a shake and go can get the job done. 376 00:16:15,375 --> 00:16:17,044 -Right. -So, what's Mom like? 377 00:16:17,144 --> 00:16:18,245 At the very least, I hope she fulfills 378 00:16:18,345 --> 00:16:20,113 every single expectation I have of her. 379 00:16:20,214 --> 00:16:22,015 -That's reasonable. -Just, like, an awesome, 380 00:16:22,115 --> 00:16:23,984 conventional, elegant mommy. 381 00:16:24,084 --> 00:16:26,053 God, if she's, like, a kooky old eccentric lady, 382 00:16:26,153 --> 00:16:28,255 I don't know what the fuck I'll do. 383 00:16:28,355 --> 00:16:31,325 Yeah, um, let's, uh, let's change the subject entirely. 384 00:16:31,425 --> 00:16:33,360 -Huh? -Tell me about Dad. 385 00:16:33,460 --> 00:16:34,294 Oh, our dad? 386 00:16:34,394 --> 00:16:35,864 -Yeah, our dad. -Um... 387 00:16:35,964 --> 00:16:37,498 Is he a big, strong macho guy like me? 388 00:16:37,599 --> 00:16:39,433 I hope he's a big macho guy like me! 389 00:16:39,534 --> 00:16:41,268 Yeah, listen, I would obviously love to talk 390 00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:43,003 about that, but look, oh, God, it's Mom's house. 391 00:16:43,103 --> 00:16:44,071 So I got to go right now. 392 00:16:44,171 --> 00:16:45,138 -Oh, God! -(HORNS HONKING) 393 00:16:45,239 --> 00:16:48,208 -(THUDDING, CRASHING) -Okay, bye-bye. 394 00:16:48,308 --> 00:16:49,978 Drive, you piece of shit! 395 00:16:50,612 --> 00:16:52,614 (SIGHS) Okay, Craig, you got this. 396 00:16:52,714 --> 00:16:54,816 Shit! Fuck! Damn! No! 397 00:16:54,916 --> 00:16:56,483 You're Trevor now, all right? 398 00:16:56,584 --> 00:16:59,086 And Trevor is gonna knock on the door. 399 00:16:59,186 --> 00:17:00,354 (INHALES DEEPLY) 400 00:17:03,725 --> 00:17:05,727 (MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING) 401 00:17:10,732 --> 00:17:12,065 Hello? 402 00:17:13,668 --> 00:17:14,869 Mom? 403 00:17:14,969 --> 00:17:17,070 -(WHIRRING) -Why, Trevor, 404 00:17:17,170 --> 00:17:19,439 what a nice surprise. 405 00:17:20,608 --> 00:17:21,676 Mom! 406 00:17:21,776 --> 00:17:23,578 That's right, it's me. 407 00:17:23,678 --> 00:17:25,178 -Good old Mom. -Right. 408 00:17:25,279 --> 00:17:27,782 And I'm... Trevor. 409 00:17:27,882 --> 00:17:30,284 -Yes, you are. -So... 410 00:17:30,384 --> 00:17:32,452 Mom, you're in a wheelchair now? 411 00:17:32,554 --> 00:17:36,423 Well, Trevor, I've been in this wheelchair since January. 412 00:17:36,524 --> 00:17:39,561 Yes, and I haven't been here since then, so... 413 00:17:39,661 --> 00:17:41,996 January of 1979. 414 00:17:42,095 --> 00:17:43,631 Cool, so I do know this. 415 00:17:43,731 --> 00:17:47,100 Darling, what's the matter? You're not acting yourself. 416 00:17:47,200 --> 00:17:48,836 And what's with that hair? 417 00:17:48,937 --> 00:17:52,907 I don't remember it being this fake and shitty looking. 418 00:17:53,007 --> 00:17:54,542 It's a wig. Dah! 419 00:17:54,642 --> 00:17:58,546 I mean, um, I'm growing it out for a wig. 420 00:17:58,646 --> 00:18:00,113 Yeah, Locks for Love. 421 00:18:00,213 --> 00:18:01,883 -Oh. -I'm gonna give some bald, 422 00:18:01,983 --> 00:18:03,317 barren women a second chance. 423 00:18:03,417 --> 00:18:06,286 Well, I was just about to have some tea. 424 00:18:06,386 --> 00:18:08,355 Won't you join me? 425 00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:10,525 Mom, it's really good to see you. 426 00:18:10,959 --> 00:18:12,125 Really actually good. 427 00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:15,029 Well, it is really good to see you, too, dear, 428 00:18:15,128 --> 00:18:18,032 always, my darling boy. 429 00:18:18,131 --> 00:18:20,467 My only darling boy. 430 00:18:21,101 --> 00:18:22,870 The only boy I ever had. 431 00:18:22,971 --> 00:18:24,171 -Sure, yeah. -Yes. 432 00:18:24,271 --> 00:18:26,106 The only boy that ever came 433 00:18:26,206 --> 00:18:28,475 rocketing out of my vagina. 434 00:18:28,576 --> 00:18:29,376 Okay. 435 00:18:29,476 --> 00:18:31,278 I would've probably had another one 436 00:18:31,378 --> 00:18:32,981 just like you, but I didn't. 437 00:18:33,081 --> 00:18:35,049 -The more you... -I had a vasectomy. 438 00:18:35,148 --> 00:18:37,484 One second after you was born, 439 00:18:37,585 --> 00:18:39,020 -Wow. -I had a vasectomy. 440 00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:41,254 They snipped it. (HUMMING) 441 00:18:42,657 --> 00:18:44,559 So, Mom... 442 00:18:44,659 --> 00:18:46,226 It's been a minute, what have you been up to? 443 00:18:46,326 --> 00:18:49,063 (LAUGHING) Oh, my gosh, Trevor! 444 00:18:49,162 --> 00:18:51,331 Well, you know me. 445 00:18:51,431 --> 00:18:52,332 I do. 446 00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:53,901 And all the things I get up to. 447 00:18:54,002 --> 00:18:56,571 Any specifics about it, though, would be appreciated. 448 00:18:56,671 --> 00:18:58,640 Tell me it as if I didn't know, 449 00:18:58,740 --> 00:19:00,875 -even though of course I do. -Ah, this morning, 450 00:19:00,975 --> 00:19:04,779 Patricia and I watched a film from the Criterion Collection. 451 00:19:04,879 --> 00:19:07,515 -You know Patricia, of course. -If you say so. 452 00:19:07,615 --> 00:19:10,384 -(CHUCKLING) -Mom, you seem so cultured. 453 00:19:10,484 --> 00:19:13,220 Well, I'm glad you're finally recognizing that. 454 00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:17,025 Yeah, me, too, it's time that someone fina... 455 00:19:17,125 --> 00:19:19,661 Uh, that's sand. 456 00:19:19,761 --> 00:19:21,562 Oh, my God. 457 00:19:21,663 --> 00:19:24,932 I switched the tea and the sand again. 458 00:19:25,033 --> 00:19:26,166 -Again? -(LAUGHING) 459 00:19:26,266 --> 00:19:28,936 I'm going fast. 460 00:19:29,037 --> 00:19:31,105 I make my own sand, you know. 461 00:19:31,204 --> 00:19:32,740 -Do you? -Yes, I do. 462 00:19:32,840 --> 00:19:33,908 Out of what? 463 00:19:34,008 --> 00:19:35,342 Out of sand. 464 00:19:35,442 --> 00:19:37,078 -(LAUGHING) -Here you go, darling. 465 00:19:37,177 --> 00:19:38,311 -Thank you. -Oh, my gosh, 466 00:19:38,412 --> 00:19:40,081 wait a minute, not so fast. 467 00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,516 That'll be your reward. 468 00:19:41,616 --> 00:19:43,151 Before you go, I need you to grab 469 00:19:43,250 --> 00:19:45,153 something down for me, please? 470 00:19:45,252 --> 00:19:47,021 -Yeah, fucking sure. Um... -Yes, yes. 471 00:19:47,121 --> 00:19:48,488 It's that one right there. 472 00:19:48,589 --> 00:19:50,424 -This one? -Nope, that one. 473 00:19:50,525 --> 00:19:52,894 -So this one? -No, that one. 474 00:19:52,994 --> 00:19:55,362 -Okay, then this one? -No, darling, that one. 475 00:19:55,462 --> 00:19:56,531 -Here? -Darling? 476 00:19:56,631 --> 00:19:58,132 Let's calm down, look at me. 477 00:19:58,231 --> 00:20:00,001 -Do you see my finger? -I do. 478 00:20:00,101 --> 00:20:01,636 -This is called pointing. -Yeah. 479 00:20:01,736 --> 00:20:03,805 If you draw a little dotted line 480 00:20:03,905 --> 00:20:06,206 from the tip of my finger and you go poop, boop, boop. 481 00:20:06,306 --> 00:20:08,208 Yeah, boop, boop, boop, boop, boop right to here. 482 00:20:08,308 --> 00:20:09,510 -This is the one? -No! 483 00:20:09,610 --> 00:20:10,878 -Here? -Let me, okay, let me... 484 00:20:10,978 --> 00:20:11,979 I need to calm down. 485 00:20:12,080 --> 00:20:13,014 Could you describe it? 486 00:20:13,114 --> 00:20:14,716 Darling, I'm not going to spoil you. 487 00:20:14,816 --> 00:20:17,618 How about a single adjective of-of any of these? 488 00:20:17,719 --> 00:20:20,253 Not over there. Look, this is like this. 489 00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:21,889 -Here again. -Not that one. 490 00:20:21,989 --> 00:20:23,124 -Is it this one? -Yeah! 491 00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:24,826 Oh, motherfucker. Goddamn it. 492 00:20:24,926 --> 00:20:27,327 I could think of words you could've used. 493 00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:29,931 Ooh, well, that was quite an ordeal. 494 00:20:30,031 --> 00:20:31,766 -Yeah, I'll say. -Oh, my God. 495 00:20:31,866 --> 00:20:33,333 No, no, no, no, please. 496 00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:35,302 That's Jerome. He's easily aroused. 497 00:20:35,402 --> 00:20:37,105 Don't get him anywhere near me. 498 00:20:37,205 --> 00:20:38,238 You have sex with this? 499 00:20:38,338 --> 00:20:39,741 Darling, of course. 500 00:20:39,841 --> 00:20:42,076 Look at him, how could I possibly resist? 501 00:20:42,176 --> 00:20:44,178 -He? It's a he? -He's a they. 502 00:20:44,277 --> 00:20:46,514 Oh, God, well, I-- Now that I know that you 503 00:20:46,614 --> 00:20:49,584 fuck this little gay boot, I'd love to put it somewhere. 504 00:20:49,684 --> 00:20:51,251 I think you should put him right down there 505 00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:53,221 next to Patricia, she can handle it. 506 00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:55,355 This is Patricia, who you saw the movie with? 507 00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:57,992 Darling, of course. You know Patricia. 508 00:20:58,092 --> 00:21:00,194 And I would ask you to unhand her! 509 00:21:00,293 --> 00:21:01,662 Okay, Mommy, you know what? 510 00:21:01,763 --> 00:21:03,531 I think maybe you need to get out of the house a little bit. 511 00:21:03,631 --> 00:21:06,500 Darling, why would I leave the house? 512 00:21:06,601 --> 00:21:09,003 I have everything I need right here. 513 00:21:09,103 --> 00:21:10,171 Yeah, sure. 514 00:21:10,270 --> 00:21:13,174 I lead a charmed life, Trevor. 515 00:21:13,273 --> 00:21:15,076 Don't you understand? 516 00:21:15,176 --> 00:21:17,377 (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) 517 00:21:19,446 --> 00:21:23,584 ♪ My life's been quite the wild ride ♪ 518 00:21:23,684 --> 00:21:25,953 ♪ Intrigue, thrills ♪ 519 00:21:26,053 --> 00:21:28,723 ♪ Romance ♪ 520 00:21:28,823 --> 00:21:32,660 ♪ I may have reached my twilight years ♪ 521 00:21:32,760 --> 00:21:37,632 ♪ But it's all still song and dance ♪ 522 00:21:38,266 --> 00:21:39,934 ♪ Seasons come ♪ 523 00:21:40,034 --> 00:21:42,603 ♪ And seasons go ♪ 524 00:21:42,703 --> 00:21:48,075 ♪ My years keep flying by ♪ 525 00:21:48,176 --> 00:21:52,379 ♪ And now I sit here in my house until the day I die ♪ 526 00:21:52,479 --> 00:21:54,949 Trevor, I'm an independent woman. 527 00:21:55,049 --> 00:21:59,086 I do what I want when I want with whom I want. 528 00:21:59,187 --> 00:22:01,488 -I am very confused. -I'm afraid 529 00:22:01,589 --> 00:22:03,524 you simply don't understand 530 00:22:03,624 --> 00:22:07,360 what a gas it is when you get to be my age. 531 00:22:07,460 --> 00:22:08,830 ♪ I'm 93 ♪ 532 00:22:08,930 --> 00:22:10,298 ♪ No, 94 ♪ 533 00:22:10,397 --> 00:22:11,966 That can't be right. (GRUNTS) 534 00:22:12,066 --> 00:22:13,366 ♪ Just wait, there's more ♪ 535 00:22:13,466 --> 00:22:16,304 ♪ My back is broke My tits, they sag ♪ 536 00:22:16,403 --> 00:22:19,339 ♪ I have to pee into a bag ♪ 537 00:22:19,439 --> 00:22:22,543 ♪ I have three toes My eyes are coins ♪ 538 00:22:22,643 --> 00:22:25,613 ♪ A mouse named Pip lives in my loins ♪ 539 00:22:25,713 --> 00:22:28,448 ♪ I smell like milk Well, more like cheese ♪ 540 00:22:28,549 --> 00:22:31,986 ♪ My nipples wink I never sneeze ♪ 541 00:22:32,086 --> 00:22:34,522 ♪ I cannot remember the year I was born ♪ 542 00:22:34,622 --> 00:22:37,625 ♪ I sculpt all my friends out of clay ♪ 543 00:22:37,725 --> 00:22:40,862 ♪ I've seen every movie And most of them thrice ♪ 544 00:22:40,962 --> 00:22:44,165 ♪ For breakfast I only eat hay ♪ 545 00:22:44,265 --> 00:22:46,167 Well, this has been fun, but I got to be 546 00:22:46,267 --> 00:22:47,902 anywhere but here. (CRIES OUT) 547 00:22:48,002 --> 00:22:50,972 ♪ I keep all my ice cubes inside of my purse ♪ 548 00:22:51,072 --> 00:22:53,875 ♪ I have a whole room full of geese ♪ 549 00:22:53,975 --> 00:22:56,611 ♪ I only read backwards I never use spoons ♪ 550 00:22:56,711 --> 00:22:59,080 ♪ My mother is also my niece ♪ 551 00:22:59,180 --> 00:23:01,682 ♪ My organs are cotton I cry melted butter ♪ 552 00:23:01,782 --> 00:23:04,151 ♪ I have no reflection I bathe in asbestos ♪ 553 00:23:04,252 --> 00:23:06,453 ♪ The world is a riddle I might be the devil ♪ 554 00:23:06,554 --> 00:23:09,090 ♪ My pussy fell off once in Greece, hey! ♪ 555 00:23:10,490 --> 00:23:12,492 Who saw that coming? 556 00:23:12,593 --> 00:23:14,795 -I did. -(KNOCKING ON DOOR) 557 00:23:16,130 --> 00:23:17,098 Craig. 558 00:23:17,598 --> 00:23:19,533 My favorite son. 559 00:23:20,101 --> 00:23:21,569 My only son. 560 00:23:21,669 --> 00:23:23,436 -What a surprise. -Yeah. 561 00:23:23,537 --> 00:23:25,106 I thought I'd swing by. 562 00:23:25,206 --> 00:23:26,874 -Oh. -(SIGHS) 563 00:23:26,974 --> 00:23:28,576 -A hug. -(INHALES) 564 00:23:28,676 --> 00:23:31,913 -Well, this is new. -(CHUCKLES) 565 00:23:32,013 --> 00:23:33,147 Uh... 566 00:23:34,382 --> 00:23:35,716 Don't forget to let go. 567 00:23:35,816 --> 00:23:37,752 Otherwise, we're just wrasslin'. 568 00:23:37,852 --> 00:23:40,021 (BOTH LAUGH) 569 00:23:40,121 --> 00:23:41,689 Wow. 570 00:23:42,390 --> 00:23:44,258 Swanky digs, Dad. 571 00:23:44,358 --> 00:23:46,594 -Oh, hush. -No, I mean it. 572 00:23:46,694 --> 00:23:49,730 This place is so nice and clean and chic and... 573 00:23:49,830 --> 00:23:52,099 God, I wish I'd grown up here. 574 00:23:53,000 --> 00:23:55,536 What are talking about, Craig? You did grow up here. 575 00:23:55,636 --> 00:23:57,805 And I wish I could grow up here again. 576 00:23:57,905 --> 00:24:00,174 -Shame how time works. -Yeah. 577 00:24:00,274 --> 00:24:02,310 It really sucks. Care for a mimosa? 578 00:24:02,410 --> 00:24:03,978 Oh. (CHUCKLES) 579 00:24:04,078 --> 00:24:06,814 Don't judge, but I've already had one... 580 00:24:06,914 --> 00:24:07,748 pitcher. 581 00:24:07,848 --> 00:24:09,884 -(BOTH LAUGH) -Come on. 582 00:24:09,984 --> 00:24:11,352 Just kidding. 583 00:24:11,451 --> 00:24:13,154 But I do drink every morning. 584 00:24:13,254 --> 00:24:14,655 -Sure. -Cheers. 585 00:24:16,757 --> 00:24:17,692 Mmm. 586 00:24:17,792 --> 00:24:20,328 Craig, I'm glad you're here actually. 587 00:24:20,428 --> 00:24:22,797 Same, Dad. What do you want to do first? 588 00:24:22,897 --> 00:24:26,067 Play catch in the yard? Not talk about our feelings? 589 00:24:27,401 --> 00:24:29,570 Funny you should mention feelings. 590 00:24:32,039 --> 00:24:34,175 -(GULPING) -Uh... 591 00:24:37,477 --> 00:24:38,813 (SIGHS) 592 00:24:38,913 --> 00:24:39,914 Wow. 593 00:24:40,014 --> 00:24:41,782 Okay. 594 00:24:41,882 --> 00:24:44,051 I've been meaning to tell you for some time. 595 00:24:45,119 --> 00:24:48,022 There's no easy way to say this, but... 596 00:24:48,622 --> 00:24:50,958 -But... -But what? 597 00:24:51,058 --> 00:24:52,193 (SIGHS) 598 00:24:53,461 --> 00:24:54,595 I'm gay. 599 00:24:54,695 --> 00:24:56,998 (GASPS, HESITATES) 600 00:24:57,098 --> 00:24:59,567 Wait, wait, uh, this is something that I, 601 00:24:59,667 --> 00:25:01,869 Craig, didn't know about until just now? 602 00:25:01,969 --> 00:25:02,903 That's correct. 603 00:25:03,004 --> 00:25:04,972 Um, okay, great, then I can freely say, 604 00:25:05,072 --> 00:25:08,509 what the fuck, Dad, you're gay? 605 00:25:08,609 --> 00:25:10,544 Well, I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm, 606 00:25:10,644 --> 00:25:12,913 but yes, Craig, I'm gay. 607 00:25:13,014 --> 00:25:15,649 Queer as a three-dollar bill and just as thin. 608 00:25:15,750 --> 00:25:17,651 -Well, let's not go c-- -Shh. Daddy's talking. 609 00:25:17,752 --> 00:25:19,620 -Mm-hmm. -Honestly, 610 00:25:19,720 --> 00:25:22,356 the signs have been there for ages. 611 00:25:22,456 --> 00:25:24,058 I'm only now realizing it. 612 00:25:24,158 --> 00:25:27,361 I am and have always been a normal homosexual man 613 00:25:27,461 --> 00:25:30,998 who does all the normal things normal homosexual men do. 614 00:25:31,098 --> 00:25:34,035 -Like what? -Well, I'll tell you. 615 00:25:35,069 --> 00:25:37,338 ♪ I wake up, drink my coffee ♪ 616 00:25:37,438 --> 00:25:39,607 ♪ Have brunch around 11:00 ♪ 617 00:25:39,707 --> 00:25:41,675 ♪ Walk my bichon frise ♪ 618 00:25:41,776 --> 00:25:44,078 ♪ Then nap till half past 7:00 ♪ 619 00:25:44,178 --> 00:25:46,515 ♪ A night out at the symphony ♪ 620 00:25:46,614 --> 00:25:48,682 ♪ Such elegance, what poise ♪ 621 00:25:48,783 --> 00:25:50,918 ♪ Or maybe I'll just stay at home ♪ 622 00:25:51,018 --> 00:25:52,820 ♪ With my two Sewer Boys ♪ 623 00:25:52,920 --> 00:25:53,854 What? 624 00:25:53,954 --> 00:25:57,091 ♪ The answer is perfectly clear ♪ 625 00:25:57,191 --> 00:26:02,531 ♪ It's a gay old life being queer ♪ 626 00:26:02,630 --> 00:26:05,032 I'm so sorry, did you say "Sewer Boys"? 627 00:26:05,132 --> 00:26:08,936 Oh, come on, Craig. You know my Sewer Boys. 628 00:26:10,171 --> 00:26:12,873 (RASPY GROWLING) 629 00:26:14,108 --> 00:26:15,544 No! 630 00:26:15,643 --> 00:26:19,180 No! No! 631 00:26:19,280 --> 00:26:23,851 No! No! No! 632 00:26:23,951 --> 00:26:26,087 HARRIS: Christ on a crutch, Craig. 633 00:26:26,187 --> 00:26:27,188 Are you all right? 634 00:26:27,288 --> 00:26:30,357 You sounded like Maria Callas on a rough matinee. 635 00:26:30,458 --> 00:26:32,193 What the fuck are those things? 636 00:26:32,293 --> 00:26:34,495 My Sewer Boys. 637 00:26:34,595 --> 00:26:37,098 Pale little inbred creatures, 638 00:26:37,198 --> 00:26:37,965 live underground. 639 00:26:38,065 --> 00:26:40,501 Only communicate in clicks and whistles. 640 00:26:40,601 --> 00:26:42,803 (CLICKING AND WHISTLING) 641 00:26:42,903 --> 00:26:45,306 I-I'm very confused. 642 00:26:45,406 --> 00:26:46,774 You do seem a bit off, dear. 643 00:26:46,874 --> 00:26:48,275 And what's with your hair? 644 00:26:48,375 --> 00:26:50,878 I don't remember it being this fake or shitty looking. 645 00:26:50,978 --> 00:26:52,947 Oh, God, who cares about wigs right now? 646 00:26:53,047 --> 00:26:54,583 Those things are disgusting. 647 00:26:54,682 --> 00:26:56,951 They're not disgusting, they're gay culture. 648 00:26:57,051 --> 00:26:59,386 Gay culture? Well, they don't seem gay. 649 00:26:59,487 --> 00:27:01,021 They seem dangerous. 650 00:27:01,122 --> 00:27:04,258 Well, I appreciate your concern, but... 651 00:27:04,358 --> 00:27:09,096 ♪ There's nothing dangerous about vacationing in Spain ♪ 652 00:27:09,196 --> 00:27:10,798 ♪ That is until you've thrown ♪ 653 00:27:10,898 --> 00:27:13,568 ♪ Half of your savings down the drain ♪ 654 00:27:13,667 --> 00:27:16,003 ♪ But money should be spent on things ♪ 655 00:27:16,103 --> 00:27:18,239 ♪ Both lovely and refined ♪ 656 00:27:18,339 --> 00:27:20,741 ♪ The Sewer Boys drink blood for fun ♪ 657 00:27:20,841 --> 00:27:22,476 ♪ And also read my mind ♪ 658 00:27:22,577 --> 00:27:26,714 ♪ Don't get in a tizzy My dear ♪ 659 00:27:26,814 --> 00:27:29,483 ♪ It's a gay old life ♪ 660 00:27:29,584 --> 00:27:32,887 ♪ Being queer ♪ 661 00:27:32,987 --> 00:27:35,524 What do you mean, they read your mind? 662 00:27:35,624 --> 00:27:37,691 -(RASPY GROWLING) -Uh-oh, someone's hungry. 663 00:27:37,791 --> 00:27:39,393 -(GROANS) -(HARRIS LAUGHING) 664 00:27:39,493 --> 00:27:40,995 Oh, God. 665 00:27:41,095 --> 00:27:42,263 (POPPING) 666 00:27:42,363 --> 00:27:43,264 Ah. 667 00:27:43,364 --> 00:27:45,432 They'll do anything for a little deli meat. 668 00:27:45,534 --> 00:27:48,702 TREVOR: No, I hate this. 669 00:27:49,370 --> 00:27:50,871 What are you doing? 670 00:27:50,971 --> 00:27:53,140 (BOTH GRUNTING EXCITEDLY) 671 00:27:57,011 --> 00:27:59,246 -Oh. -All right, it's your turn. 672 00:28:02,316 --> 00:28:04,818 Oh, there's got to be a different way to feed them. 673 00:28:05,352 --> 00:28:06,687 No! 674 00:28:09,290 --> 00:28:10,791 All right, all right. 675 00:28:14,161 --> 00:28:17,198 Hey, let's brainstorm some ideas together, Papa. 676 00:28:17,298 --> 00:28:18,165 Maybe a bowl. 677 00:28:18,265 --> 00:28:20,801 Have you thought about a fucking bowl? 678 00:28:20,901 --> 00:28:22,803 Nope, this is how we've always done it. 679 00:28:22,903 --> 00:28:24,772 Dinnertime with my Sewer Boys, 680 00:28:24,872 --> 00:28:26,340 Backpack and Whisper. 681 00:28:26,440 --> 00:28:27,576 Those are their names? 682 00:28:27,676 --> 00:28:28,610 Watch your talons. 683 00:28:28,709 --> 00:28:30,645 -(BELCHES) -Talons. 684 00:28:30,744 --> 00:28:33,515 -Want some ham? -No, I don't want any ham! 685 00:28:33,615 --> 00:28:35,517 I feel like I'm in a fucking nightmare! 686 00:28:35,617 --> 00:28:37,985 Oh, I understand, son. 687 00:28:39,053 --> 00:28:42,723 Coming out can be just as hard on the family. 688 00:28:42,823 --> 00:28:45,694 But it's a journey we'll go on together. 689 00:28:45,793 --> 00:28:47,962 I'm not talking about coming out. 690 00:28:48,062 --> 00:28:50,331 I'm talking about the fucking monsters. 691 00:28:50,431 --> 00:28:51,332 (BOTH SCREECHING) 692 00:28:51,432 --> 00:28:55,436 Oh, shh! Don't say that in front of them. 693 00:28:55,537 --> 00:28:56,705 You'll hurt their feelings. 694 00:28:56,804 --> 00:28:59,006 Their feelings? They feel? 695 00:28:59,106 --> 00:29:02,142 What are they? Explain them to me! 696 00:29:02,243 --> 00:29:03,277 (SIGHS) 697 00:29:03,377 --> 00:29:05,179 Well, it's a long story. 698 00:29:06,280 --> 00:29:07,381 Very well. 699 00:29:07,481 --> 00:29:08,816 Oh, yeah. Get a hat. 700 00:29:08,916 --> 00:29:10,552 ♪ Many decades ago ♪ 701 00:29:10,652 --> 00:29:12,086 ♪ I was down in the sewer ♪ 702 00:29:12,186 --> 00:29:14,355 -Why? -Shh, Daddy's singing. 703 00:29:14,455 --> 00:29:17,258 ♪ Rowing my boat through the slime and manure ♪ 704 00:29:17,358 --> 00:29:19,126 How did you get a boat into the sewer? 705 00:29:19,226 --> 00:29:21,061 You want to hear the story or not? 706 00:29:21,161 --> 00:29:24,331 ♪ Collecting adventures and treasures galore ♪ 707 00:29:24,431 --> 00:29:29,136 ♪ But I couldn't guess what fate had in store ♪ 708 00:29:29,236 --> 00:29:31,573 ♪ I rounded a bend and what did I see? ♪ 709 00:29:31,673 --> 00:29:35,042 ♪ Two creatures so bloody So foul, so carefree ♪ 710 00:29:35,142 --> 00:29:38,546 ♪ They were taking a bath in the corpse of a swine ♪ 711 00:29:38,647 --> 00:29:40,749 ♪ And that's when I knew ♪ 712 00:29:40,848 --> 00:29:44,485 ♪ They had to be mine ♪ 713 00:29:45,720 --> 00:29:48,022 ♪ I tried to entice them ♪ 714 00:29:48,122 --> 00:29:50,592 ♪ But they were too quick ♪ 715 00:29:50,692 --> 00:29:52,761 ♪ Tried to rip out my trachea ♪ 716 00:29:52,860 --> 00:29:55,195 -♪ Bite off my dick ♪ -(GASPS) 717 00:29:55,296 --> 00:29:57,331 ♪ With a club I subdued them ♪ 718 00:29:57,431 --> 00:30:00,769 ♪ And made to depart ♪ 719 00:30:00,868 --> 00:30:03,705 ♪ And I stole the two creatures ♪ 720 00:30:03,804 --> 00:30:08,075 ♪ Who'd stolen my heart ♪ 721 00:30:08,442 --> 00:30:09,410 (WHISPERS) Jesus. 722 00:30:09,511 --> 00:30:11,278 (BOTH GROWLING) 723 00:30:11,378 --> 00:30:15,482 ♪ My boy There's no reason to jeer ♪ 724 00:30:15,583 --> 00:30:19,554 ♪ It's a gay old life ♪ 725 00:30:19,654 --> 00:30:21,723 ♪ Being ♪ 726 00:30:21,822 --> 00:30:26,126 ♪ Queer... ♪ 727 00:30:26,226 --> 00:30:27,595 ♪ I bathe in bleach ♪ 728 00:30:27,696 --> 00:30:29,163 ♪ There's skiing up in Aspen ♪ 729 00:30:29,263 --> 00:30:30,964 -♪ I play the horn ♪ -♪ And sailing of West Palm ♪ 730 00:30:31,065 --> 00:30:32,132 ♪ One time I died ♪ 731 00:30:32,232 --> 00:30:33,668 ♪ The snow is fine as powder ♪ 732 00:30:33,768 --> 00:30:35,436 -♪ I suck on corn ♪ -♪ The waves are always calm ♪ 733 00:30:35,537 --> 00:30:37,438 -♪ I poison fruit ♪ -♪ But no matter where I am ♪ 734 00:30:37,539 --> 00:30:38,839 -♪ I kissed a chair ♪ -♪ There is no way ♪ 735 00:30:38,939 --> 00:30:40,374 ♪ I can resist the urge to climb ♪ 736 00:30:40,474 --> 00:30:41,942 -♪ I juggle for exercise ♪ -♪ Below the streets ♪ 737 00:30:42,042 --> 00:30:43,477 -♪ Never use alphabet ♪ -♪ And smell ♪ 738 00:30:43,578 --> 00:30:44,912 -♪ And a tornado's my friend ♪ -♪ That stinky mist ♪ 739 00:30:45,012 --> 00:30:46,648 BOTH: ♪ The answer is ♪ 740 00:30:46,748 --> 00:30:48,982 ♪ Perfectly clear ♪ 741 00:30:49,083 --> 00:30:53,187 ♪ It's a gay old life ♪ 742 00:30:53,287 --> 00:30:55,724 HARRIS: ♪ Being queer ♪ 743 00:30:55,824 --> 00:31:01,362 ♪ I have no pussy ♪ 744 00:31:02,564 --> 00:31:03,531 (MUSIC ENDS) 745 00:31:04,733 --> 00:31:06,634 GOD: Those foolish boys. 746 00:31:06,735 --> 00:31:08,670 What, oh, what will they do? 747 00:31:08,770 --> 00:31:10,638 (CELL PHONE RINGING) 748 00:31:13,608 --> 00:31:16,845 Craig Tiddle's phone, Craig Tiddle speaking. Ah! 749 00:31:16,944 --> 00:31:18,513 Why didn't you tell me Dad was a gay man 750 00:31:18,613 --> 00:31:20,381 obsessed with Sewer Boys? 751 00:31:20,481 --> 00:31:21,516 Because I was ashamed. 752 00:31:21,616 --> 00:31:23,350 You don't know what it's like to feed Boar's Head ham 753 00:31:23,450 --> 00:31:25,854 to those slimy little demons your whole life. 754 00:31:25,953 --> 00:31:28,288 Why didn't you tell me Mom's pussy fell off? 755 00:31:28,389 --> 00:31:30,558 (GROANS) You weren't there. It was really disturbing. 756 00:31:30,658 --> 00:31:32,527 Well, I'm sure it was, but not knowing really-- 757 00:31:32,627 --> 00:31:35,864 No, Craig. It was awful. 758 00:31:35,963 --> 00:31:38,800 It crawled away like a fucking cockroach. 759 00:31:38,899 --> 00:31:40,033 Mom was screaming at me, 760 00:31:40,134 --> 00:31:43,270 "Kill it! Kill it!" 761 00:31:43,370 --> 00:31:46,140 I raised my flip-flop to deal the death blow, 762 00:31:46,240 --> 00:31:48,375 and it stared me straight in the eyes. 763 00:31:48,475 --> 00:31:50,377 It had eyes now. 764 00:31:50,477 --> 00:31:53,480 "Dream of this," the pussy said to me. 765 00:31:53,581 --> 00:31:55,249 "Dream of this every night." 766 00:31:56,116 --> 00:31:57,519 And I do, Craig. 767 00:31:58,419 --> 00:31:59,420 I do. 768 00:32:00,487 --> 00:32:01,922 Well, our parents are fucking freaks, 769 00:32:02,022 --> 00:32:03,290 and there's nothing we can do about it. 770 00:32:03,390 --> 00:32:04,158 What do you mean? 771 00:32:04,258 --> 00:32:05,292 I mean that I thought our plan 772 00:32:05,392 --> 00:32:07,261 was going to be easy, and it was not. 773 00:32:07,361 --> 00:32:08,962 But I still want to be brothers, no homo. 774 00:32:09,062 --> 00:32:10,230 Want to be brothers, no homo, too. 775 00:32:10,330 --> 00:32:11,599 Well, then we have to do this. 776 00:32:11,699 --> 00:32:13,701 But our parents are completely incompatible. 777 00:32:13,802 --> 00:32:15,969 Mom has no pussy. 778 00:32:16,069 --> 00:32:18,172 Dad is a gay. 779 00:32:18,272 --> 00:32:21,442 I want this to work, okay? But it just feels... 780 00:32:22,644 --> 00:32:24,178 impossible. 781 00:32:24,278 --> 00:32:26,548 Anything's possible if you force it to be. 782 00:32:26,648 --> 00:32:28,583 -But-- -Shh. 783 00:32:28,683 --> 00:32:30,685 (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) 784 00:32:35,289 --> 00:32:37,826 ♪ When I was picking colleges ♪ 785 00:32:37,926 --> 00:32:40,461 ♪ My sights were set on Brown ♪ 786 00:32:40,562 --> 00:32:43,497 ♪ But my scores were all so miserable ♪ 787 00:32:43,598 --> 00:32:45,966 ♪ That they just turned me down ♪ 788 00:32:46,066 --> 00:32:49,036 ♪ So I went and saw the chancellor ♪ 789 00:32:49,136 --> 00:32:51,305 ♪ To make him think again ♪ 790 00:32:51,405 --> 00:32:53,106 ♪ And when he still refused ♪ 791 00:32:53,207 --> 00:32:58,913 ♪ I roofied him And then he let me in ♪ 792 00:32:59,012 --> 00:33:01,048 ♪ You can't give up ♪ 793 00:33:01,148 --> 00:33:04,151 ♪ When people tell you no ♪ 794 00:33:04,251 --> 00:33:06,086 ♪ You can't give up ♪ 795 00:33:06,186 --> 00:33:09,524 ♪ If you want it, make it so ♪ 796 00:33:10,859 --> 00:33:13,026 ♪ Life's a game of poker ♪ 797 00:33:13,126 --> 00:33:15,563 ♪ And I only play to win ♪ 798 00:33:15,663 --> 00:33:18,700 ♪ So if someone says don't do a thing ♪ 799 00:33:18,800 --> 00:33:21,368 ♪ Just do that thing again ♪ 800 00:33:22,436 --> 00:33:25,038 ♪ Last year I found a condo ♪ 801 00:33:25,138 --> 00:33:27,474 ♪ So high up in the sky ♪ 802 00:33:27,575 --> 00:33:30,645 ♪ But the grandmother who lived there ♪ 803 00:33:30,745 --> 00:33:33,146 ♪ She wouldn't let me buy ♪ 804 00:33:33,247 --> 00:33:35,650 ♪ So I framed her ass for larceny ♪ 805 00:33:35,750 --> 00:33:38,318 ♪ And now she rots in jail ♪ 806 00:33:38,418 --> 00:33:40,220 ♪ Then I roofied a whole bar ♪ 807 00:33:40,320 --> 00:33:42,022 ♪ And we all killed ♪ 808 00:33:42,122 --> 00:33:45,927 -♪ A humpback whale ♪ - (PEOPLE LAUGHING) 809 00:33:46,026 --> 00:33:47,729 ♪ You can't give up ♪ 810 00:33:47,829 --> 00:33:50,832 ♪ When people tell you no ♪ 811 00:33:50,932 --> 00:33:52,734 ♪ You can't give up ♪ 812 00:33:52,834 --> 00:33:55,803 ♪ If you want it, make it so ♪ 813 00:33:57,304 --> 00:33:59,841 ♪ Life's a game of Boggle ♪ 814 00:33:59,941 --> 00:34:02,442 ♪ And I only play to win ♪ 815 00:34:02,544 --> 00:34:05,112 ♪ So if someone says don't do a thing ♪ 816 00:34:05,212 --> 00:34:07,381 -♪ Just do that thing ♪ -♪ And do that thing ♪ 817 00:34:07,481 --> 00:34:09,584 ♪ Again ♪ 818 00:34:09,684 --> 00:34:11,920 ♪ The losers are all thinking ♪ 819 00:34:12,020 --> 00:34:15,122 ♪ There's some secret to success ♪ 820 00:34:15,222 --> 00:34:17,892 ♪ And they also think that "no" means "no" ♪ 821 00:34:17,992 --> 00:34:22,597 ♪ But really "No" means "yes" ♪ 822 00:34:22,697 --> 00:34:27,702 ♪ "No" means "yes" ♪ 823 00:34:27,802 --> 00:34:29,704 ♪ You can't give up ♪ 824 00:34:29,804 --> 00:34:32,840 ♪ When people tell you no ♪ 825 00:34:32,941 --> 00:34:34,909 ♪ You can't give up ♪ 826 00:34:35,009 --> 00:34:39,179 ♪ If you want it, make it so ♪ 827 00:34:39,279 --> 00:34:41,415 ♪ Life's a fucking hand job ♪ 828 00:34:41,516 --> 00:34:44,284 ♪ And I only play to win ♪ 829 00:34:44,384 --> 00:34:46,320 ♪ So stroke my fucking cock ♪ 830 00:34:46,420 --> 00:34:49,524 ♪ Until I blast all on your chin ♪ 831 00:34:49,624 --> 00:34:52,292 ♪ Then take that cum and lube me up ♪ 832 00:34:52,392 --> 00:34:54,796 ♪ Until I come again ♪ 833 00:34:54,896 --> 00:34:57,732 ♪ And if someone says don't do a thing ♪ 834 00:34:57,832 --> 00:34:59,801 ♪ Just do that thing and do that thing ♪ 835 00:34:59,901 --> 00:35:01,002 ♪ And do that thing ♪ 836 00:35:01,101 --> 00:35:05,740 ♪ And do that thing... ♪ 837 00:35:05,840 --> 00:35:09,242 ♪ Again ♪ 838 00:35:09,343 --> 00:35:11,411 ♪ Do that thing again ♪ 839 00:35:11,512 --> 00:35:12,814 (MUSIC ENDS) 840 00:35:17,552 --> 00:35:20,287 Ah. Should I open another bottle? 841 00:35:20,387 --> 00:35:21,789 I know it's our second, 842 00:35:21,889 --> 00:35:23,123 but we're not Baptists. 843 00:35:23,223 --> 00:35:26,027 -(RATTLING) -(SEWER BOYS GROWLING) 844 00:35:26,126 --> 00:35:27,260 Are you sure that thing's secure? 845 00:35:27,361 --> 00:35:28,462 HARRIS: Hardly. 846 00:35:28,563 --> 00:35:30,965 They've gotten out so many times, 847 00:35:31,065 --> 00:35:33,534 animal control made me tag them. 848 00:35:33,635 --> 00:35:36,104 Have you ever thought about putting them down? 849 00:35:36,203 --> 00:35:39,040 Good grief, I'd sooner put down my wine. 850 00:35:39,139 --> 00:35:40,575 Though I admit, they're a handful. 851 00:35:40,675 --> 00:35:43,343 I haven't had a vacation in years, 852 00:35:43,443 --> 00:35:46,080 and you know how I love jet lag. 853 00:35:46,179 --> 00:35:48,516 Let's talk about what I want to talk about. 854 00:35:48,616 --> 00:35:51,819 Like Mom, for example. If she's real or whatever. 855 00:35:51,919 --> 00:35:53,353 How did you two meet? 856 00:35:53,453 --> 00:35:55,790 Oh! It's a funny story. 857 00:35:55,890 --> 00:35:57,491 We met in a graveyard. 858 00:35:57,592 --> 00:35:59,594 I was trying to find a kidney. 859 00:35:59,694 --> 00:36:02,530 They sell like hotcakes on the black market. 860 00:36:02,630 --> 00:36:04,532 -You were graverobbing. -Why, Trevor, 861 00:36:04,632 --> 00:36:07,501 you know that was my job before the war. 862 00:36:07,602 --> 00:36:09,971 And after. (GASPS) Yahtzee. 863 00:36:10,071 --> 00:36:11,139 We're doing a puzzle. 864 00:36:11,238 --> 00:36:12,540 (GASPS) Puzzle. 865 00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:13,541 (SIGHS) 866 00:36:13,641 --> 00:36:16,243 There was your mother, up to her neck 867 00:36:16,343 --> 00:36:18,178 in freshly-tilled dirt. 868 00:36:18,278 --> 00:36:20,982 When I called out to her, she pulled a gun on me. 869 00:36:21,082 --> 00:36:22,182 Thought I was a cop. 870 00:36:22,282 --> 00:36:24,652 Graverobbing was illegal in those days. 871 00:36:24,752 --> 00:36:25,953 It's still illegal. 872 00:36:26,054 --> 00:36:27,421 Well, don't tell the police 873 00:36:27,522 --> 00:36:30,625 or they'll make me return half my wardrobe. (LAUGHS) 874 00:36:30,725 --> 00:36:33,728 All this talk about Dad. What is it, Father's Day? 875 00:36:33,828 --> 00:36:35,429 You know, the more you yammer on about Dad, 876 00:36:35,530 --> 00:36:36,964 it makes me think you miss him. 877 00:36:37,065 --> 00:36:39,100 Like you want to see him again. 878 00:36:39,199 --> 00:36:40,902 -See your mother? -Why not? 879 00:36:41,002 --> 00:36:43,705 You said so yourself, you're fucking monster children... 880 00:36:43,805 --> 00:36:44,839 Sewer Boys! Sewer Boys! 881 00:36:44,939 --> 00:36:46,708 Whatever! 882 00:36:46,808 --> 00:36:50,011 Your Sewer Boys take up so much of your time. 883 00:36:50,111 --> 00:36:52,113 When's the last time you went out 884 00:36:52,212 --> 00:36:53,815 and had a little fun? 885 00:36:53,915 --> 00:36:55,917 A little daddy time? 886 00:36:56,017 --> 00:36:58,986 The last time I went out... 887 00:36:59,087 --> 00:37:01,455 I know the Nazis were still a thing. 888 00:37:01,556 --> 00:37:03,256 God, whatever happened to them? 889 00:37:03,356 --> 00:37:04,491 See, this is what I mean. 890 00:37:04,592 --> 00:37:06,561 You should leave the house now and then. 891 00:37:06,661 --> 00:37:08,730 Hit the town, look at a current globe, 892 00:37:08,830 --> 00:37:09,630 see Dad. 893 00:37:09,731 --> 00:37:11,231 I don't know about seeing your mother, 894 00:37:11,331 --> 00:37:13,433 but... you're right. 895 00:37:13,534 --> 00:37:15,069 A little company could be nice. 896 00:37:15,169 --> 00:37:17,872 Well, how about you and me go to dinner? 897 00:37:17,972 --> 00:37:19,807 Tomorrow night, 8:00 p.m.? 898 00:37:19,907 --> 00:37:21,075 Tomorrow night? 899 00:37:21,175 --> 00:37:23,310 Let's just have drinks here instead, eh? 900 00:37:23,410 --> 00:37:25,747 Or, or... we could go somewhere better. 901 00:37:25,847 --> 00:37:28,116 The kind of place where you could fall in love again. 902 00:37:28,216 --> 00:37:29,751 A place like 903 00:37:30,218 --> 00:37:32,352 La Chateaux. 904 00:37:32,452 --> 00:37:36,023 The most romantic restaurant in all of New York? 905 00:37:36,124 --> 00:37:37,658 Odd place to go with your son. 906 00:37:37,759 --> 00:37:38,926 Well, I already made a reservation, 907 00:37:39,026 --> 00:37:41,662 so enjoy your empty evening full of nothing 908 00:37:41,763 --> 00:37:43,097 but the silence of your own thoughts. 909 00:37:43,197 --> 00:37:46,399 And I loved that idea you had about dinner at La Chateaux. 910 00:37:46,500 --> 00:37:48,569 Wait a minute, wasn't that your idea? 911 00:37:48,669 --> 00:37:51,139 Yup, that's right, a dinner that's definitely your idea, 912 00:37:51,239 --> 00:37:52,607 and definitely with me. 913 00:37:52,707 --> 00:37:53,641 Bye, Mommy. 914 00:37:53,741 --> 00:37:54,876 Well, we'll see. 915 00:37:54,976 --> 00:37:57,745 I mean, uh, it was lovely of you to come over, though. 916 00:37:57,845 --> 00:38:00,214 -I hope you'll come back... -(DOOR SLAMS) 917 00:38:00,313 --> 00:38:01,414 soon. 918 00:38:01,516 --> 00:38:02,750 Come back soon. 919 00:38:02,850 --> 00:38:03,951 (DOOR SLAMS) 920 00:38:04,051 --> 00:38:06,053 (SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING) 921 00:38:11,092 --> 00:38:16,564 ♪ The phone, it never rings ♪ 922 00:38:18,099 --> 00:38:23,538 ♪ The door, it never knocks ♪ 923 00:38:24,939 --> 00:38:30,077 ♪ I sit here with my bric-a-brac ♪ 924 00:38:30,178 --> 00:38:33,181 ♪ Oh, my tchotchkes ♪ 925 00:38:33,281 --> 00:38:36,884 ♪ And my clocks ♪ 926 00:38:38,820 --> 00:38:43,423 ♪ I don't think it's a problem ♪ 927 00:38:43,524 --> 00:38:50,097 ♪ That I hate to go outside ♪ 928 00:38:50,198 --> 00:38:53,301 ♪ Though I worry ♪ 929 00:38:53,400 --> 00:38:57,138 ♪ It'll take them weeks ♪ 930 00:38:57,238 --> 00:39:00,808 ♪ To find my body ♪ 931 00:39:00,908 --> 00:39:04,512 ♪ Once I've died ♪ 932 00:39:05,046 --> 00:39:06,781 ♪ I'm lonely ♪ 933 00:39:06,881 --> 00:39:10,350 ♪ I'm lonely, I'm lonely I'm lonely, I'm lonely ♪ 934 00:39:10,450 --> 00:39:12,019 ♪ I'm lonely ♪ 935 00:39:12,119 --> 00:39:13,486 ♪ So lonely ♪ 936 00:39:13,588 --> 00:39:18,125 ♪ So fucking lonely all the time ♪ 937 00:39:19,227 --> 00:39:22,429 ♪ I am a person ♪ 938 00:39:22,530 --> 00:39:24,198 ♪ Who's lonely ♪ 939 00:39:24,298 --> 00:39:29,070 ♪ My Sewer Boys They bring me joy ♪ 940 00:39:31,005 --> 00:39:36,577 ♪ They have throughout the years ♪ 941 00:39:38,045 --> 00:39:39,513 ♪ But I admit ♪ 942 00:39:39,614 --> 00:39:42,583 ♪ They've scared away ♪ 943 00:39:42,683 --> 00:39:46,354 ♪ My wife, my son ♪ 944 00:39:46,453 --> 00:39:49,389 ♪ My peers ♪ 945 00:39:49,489 --> 00:39:52,927 ♪ Could it be ♪ 946 00:39:53,027 --> 00:39:56,631 ♪ I've hid behind ♪ 947 00:39:56,731 --> 00:40:03,403 ♪ My sweet, delightful pets? ♪ 948 00:40:03,504 --> 00:40:04,772 (BOTH GROWLING SADLY) 949 00:40:04,872 --> 00:40:07,642 ♪ That they've mired me ♪ 950 00:40:07,742 --> 00:40:10,578 ♪ In crippling debt ♪ 951 00:40:10,678 --> 00:40:15,448 ♪ And been the cause of my death threats ♪ 952 00:40:15,549 --> 00:40:17,952 (BOTH WHIMPERING) 953 00:40:18,052 --> 00:40:19,486 ♪ I'm lonely ♪ 954 00:40:19,587 --> 00:40:24,125 ♪ I'm lonely, I'm lonely I'm lonely ♪ 955 00:40:24,959 --> 00:40:26,459 ♪ So lonely ♪ 956 00:40:26,560 --> 00:40:31,899 ♪ So lonely and so all alone ♪ 957 00:40:31,999 --> 00:40:35,870 ♪ I am a person ♪ 958 00:40:35,970 --> 00:40:38,639 ♪ Was it wrong to throw away ♪ 959 00:40:38,739 --> 00:40:41,208 ♪ The marriage that I had? ♪ 960 00:40:41,309 --> 00:40:42,777 ♪ Was it wrong? ♪ 961 00:40:42,877 --> 00:40:44,812 ♪ To split my children up ♪ 962 00:40:44,912 --> 00:40:48,182 ♪ Is there a chance that was bad? ♪ 963 00:40:48,282 --> 00:40:49,817 ♪ That was bad ♪ 964 00:40:49,917 --> 00:40:52,485 BOTH: ♪ Am I wrong to live my life ♪ 965 00:40:52,586 --> 00:40:55,056 ♪ The way I do now? ♪ 966 00:40:55,156 --> 00:40:57,124 (BOTH GRUNTING) 967 00:40:57,224 --> 00:40:59,660 -♪ Should I try to change? ♪ -♪ Yes ♪ 968 00:40:59,760 --> 00:41:02,063 -♪ Some way ♪ -♪ Please ♪ 969 00:41:02,163 --> 00:41:03,230 ♪ Somehow ♪ 970 00:41:03,331 --> 00:41:04,298 ♪ Change ♪ 971 00:41:04,398 --> 00:41:06,434 ♪ I have so much to share ♪ 972 00:41:06,534 --> 00:41:07,535 ♪ Change ♪ 973 00:41:07,635 --> 00:41:09,704 ♪ Does anybody care? ♪ 974 00:41:09,804 --> 00:41:13,274 ♪ Please, God If you're listening ♪ 975 00:41:13,374 --> 00:41:16,944 ♪ Just trust me I'm Christian now ♪ 976 00:41:17,044 --> 00:41:22,249 ♪ Answer my motherfucking prayer ♪ 977 00:41:22,350 --> 00:41:25,052 (SNIFFS) Oh, not now. Not now. 978 00:41:25,152 --> 00:41:26,988 (MUSIC CRESCENDOS) 979 00:41:30,091 --> 00:41:32,560 ♪ I'm lonely ♪ 980 00:41:32,660 --> 00:41:36,998 ♪ I'm so lonely ♪ 981 00:41:37,098 --> 00:41:38,833 ♪ So lonely ♪ 982 00:41:38,933 --> 00:41:43,504 ♪ So lonely, I'm all alone ♪ 983 00:41:43,604 --> 00:41:46,574 -♪ I'm lonely ♪ -♪ I'm lonely ♪ 984 00:41:46,674 --> 00:41:48,376 ♪ So very lonely ♪ 985 00:41:48,476 --> 00:41:50,578 ♪ You know I'm lonely ♪ 986 00:41:50,678 --> 00:41:54,215 ♪ I am a person ♪ 987 00:41:54,315 --> 00:41:55,750 (BOTH SIGH) 988 00:41:55,850 --> 00:41:58,619 -♪ Who's ♪ -♪ Who's ♪ 989 00:42:00,521 --> 00:42:02,656 ♪ Lonely ♪ 990 00:42:02,757 --> 00:42:06,293 -♪ Lonely ♪ -♪ Lonely ♪ 991 00:42:06,394 --> 00:42:09,230 ♪ Lonely ♪ 992 00:42:09,330 --> 00:42:16,203 -♪ Lonely ♪ -♪ Lonely ♪ 993 00:42:21,909 --> 00:42:23,911 Mom called me confirming she's on for dinner tonight. 994 00:42:24,011 --> 00:42:26,515 Oh, Dad has left me, like, 14 voice mails. 995 00:42:26,614 --> 00:42:28,783 -The plan is working, King. -Hell yeah, King. 996 00:42:28,883 --> 00:42:30,985 There's no way this can possibly go wrong. 997 00:42:31,085 --> 00:42:32,853 Uh... Oh, uh-uh. 998 00:42:32,953 --> 00:42:35,656 Tiddle, Brock, what the hell y'all two doing here? 999 00:42:35,756 --> 00:42:36,924 We're keeping your company afloat. 1000 00:42:37,024 --> 00:42:38,292 -You're welcome. -CRAIG: I don't know 1001 00:42:38,392 --> 00:42:39,528 if estrogen makes you forgetful, 1002 00:42:39,627 --> 00:42:40,828 but we're your top two salesmen. 1003 00:42:40,928 --> 00:42:42,329 Uh, you're not my two top salesmen. 1004 00:42:42,430 --> 00:42:44,098 Check the board. 1005 00:42:44,198 --> 00:42:46,700 (VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECTS) 1006 00:42:47,701 --> 00:42:49,303 (BABY CRYING) 1007 00:42:49,403 --> 00:42:50,371 Okay, so we missed a day 1008 00:42:50,471 --> 00:42:51,739 and we fell down a slot or two. Big deal. 1009 00:42:51,839 --> 00:42:54,075 Bid deal? Y'all ain't been here in two fucking weeks. 1010 00:42:54,175 --> 00:42:55,876 -Two fucking weeks? -(MOCKING) Two fucking weeks? 1011 00:42:55,976 --> 00:42:57,645 -'Cause we got that wig. -That's it. 1012 00:42:57,745 --> 00:42:59,380 -That's where the time went. -Yeah. 1013 00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:01,282 Y'all fucked up. So guess what? 1014 00:43:01,382 --> 00:43:03,184 Because y'all haven't been making me no money, 1015 00:43:03,284 --> 00:43:04,251 y'all are dead to me. 1016 00:43:04,351 --> 00:43:05,554 -What? -You haven't been selling 1017 00:43:05,653 --> 00:43:07,121 any fucking wheels, any fucking gears, 1018 00:43:07,221 --> 00:43:08,689 and y'all damn sure ain't been selling 1019 00:43:08,789 --> 00:43:10,858 no teeny tiny fucking brushes. 1020 00:43:10,958 --> 00:43:13,661 Okay. I know we're not supposed to say this anymore 1021 00:43:13,761 --> 00:43:15,530 because it's not acceptable or whatever, 1022 00:43:15,629 --> 00:43:17,731 but you're being a bitch. 1023 00:43:17,832 --> 00:43:18,899 CRAIG: Yeah, and I would say that 1024 00:43:18,999 --> 00:43:20,134 the way you're acting right now 1025 00:43:20,234 --> 00:43:21,635 is actually very bitch-y. 1026 00:43:21,735 --> 00:43:24,638 Okay, well, I can show y'all two bitches a bitch. 1027 00:43:26,373 --> 00:43:27,641 ♪ They say boys'll be boys ♪ 1028 00:43:27,741 --> 00:43:28,976 ♪ Man, what a crock of shit ♪ 1029 00:43:29,076 --> 00:43:30,512 ♪ These men They hold all the cards ♪ 1030 00:43:30,611 --> 00:43:31,679 ♪ It makes me want to spit ♪ 1031 00:43:31,779 --> 00:43:32,913 ♪ They always fucking shit up ♪ 1032 00:43:33,013 --> 00:43:34,348 ♪ They're always making a mess ♪ 1033 00:43:34,448 --> 00:43:37,051 ♪ But I'mma tell you the secret to my success ♪ 1034 00:43:37,151 --> 00:43:39,420 ♪ Men are all stupid Weak little boys ♪ 1035 00:43:39,521 --> 00:43:42,156 ♪ They're not very smart They just make lots of noise ♪ 1036 00:43:42,256 --> 00:43:43,457 ♪ They got their nose up my ass ♪ 1037 00:43:43,558 --> 00:43:44,692 ♪ They want to be teacher's pet ♪ 1038 00:43:44,792 --> 00:43:45,960 ♪ And so I keep them on their toes ♪ 1039 00:43:46,060 --> 00:43:47,061 ♪ And make those fuckers sweat ♪ 1040 00:43:47,161 --> 00:43:48,729 -♪ Girls ♪ -♪ Girls ♪ 1041 00:43:48,829 --> 00:43:50,331 ♪ Sit on your throne and just act like a queen ♪ 1042 00:43:50,431 --> 00:43:53,134 ♪ And these boys will be dying to kiss the ring ♪ 1043 00:43:53,234 --> 00:43:55,669 ♪ Train them to beg like the dogs that they are ♪ 1044 00:43:55,769 --> 00:43:57,705 ♪ And you'll find that it ain't no thing ♪ 1045 00:43:57,805 --> 00:44:01,142 ♪ To out-alpha the alpha ♪ 1046 00:44:01,242 --> 00:44:02,843 ♪ Mm-hmm ♪ 1047 00:44:02,943 --> 00:44:05,547 -♪ Outfox the fox ♪ -♪ Ah, yeah ♪ 1048 00:44:05,646 --> 00:44:08,349 ♪ Outfox the fox ♪ 1049 00:44:08,449 --> 00:44:10,818 ♪ Outsmart all these dummies ♪ 1050 00:44:10,918 --> 00:44:13,487 ♪ Outsmart all these dummies ♪ 1051 00:44:13,588 --> 00:44:16,056 ♪ Out-fuck all these cocks ♪ 1052 00:44:16,157 --> 00:44:18,627 ♪ Out-fuck all these cocks ♪ 1053 00:44:18,726 --> 00:44:21,195 ♪ They'll cop a feel or smack yo ass ♪ 1054 00:44:21,295 --> 00:44:23,797 ♪ And then they'll suck their little thumbs ♪ 1055 00:44:23,898 --> 00:44:26,800 ♪ These boys all want a kiss from mommy ♪ 1056 00:44:26,901 --> 00:44:28,836 ♪ They're all scummy sacks of cum ♪ 1057 00:44:28,936 --> 00:44:31,739 ♪ So put your foot right on they throat ♪ 1058 00:44:31,839 --> 00:44:35,309 ♪ If they are standing in your way and just ♪ 1059 00:44:35,409 --> 00:44:39,947 ♪ Make those fuckers pay ♪ 1060 00:44:40,615 --> 00:44:42,449 (WOMEN CHEERING) 1061 00:44:45,686 --> 00:44:46,987 ♪ Stackin' my dollars Making my coin ♪ 1062 00:44:47,087 --> 00:44:48,255 ♪ Got drip in the back of my truck ♪ 1063 00:44:48,355 --> 00:44:49,757 ♪ Bank vault apartment Swimming in cash ♪ 1064 00:44:49,857 --> 00:44:51,125 ♪ Scrooge McFucking McDuck ♪ 1065 00:44:51,225 --> 00:44:53,227 ♪ I always stay stunnin' My shit is brand-new ♪ 1066 00:44:53,327 --> 00:44:55,462 ♪ My tuna is ahi My beef is Wagyu ♪ 1067 00:44:55,564 --> 00:44:57,498 ♪ Y'all are just servants This is my palace ♪ 1068 00:44:57,599 --> 00:44:58,832 ♪ Built it brick by brick ♪ 1069 00:44:58,933 --> 00:45:00,067 ♪ So get in a line Drop on your knees ♪ 1070 00:45:00,167 --> 00:45:01,202 ♪ And suck my fucking dick ♪ 1071 00:45:01,302 --> 00:45:02,604 ♪ Then eat my ass Lick my pussy ♪ 1072 00:45:02,703 --> 00:45:03,871 ♪ And find my clit ♪ 1073 00:45:03,971 --> 00:45:05,072 ♪ Just keep on fucking I'm not done ♪ 1074 00:45:05,172 --> 00:45:06,340 ♪ I'll tell you when to quit ♪ 1075 00:45:06,440 --> 00:45:07,576 ♪ Hell, yeah, I'm raw ♪ 1076 00:45:07,676 --> 00:45:08,876 ♪ Bitch, I'm the star ♪ 1077 00:45:08,976 --> 00:45:11,212 ♪ And yes, I'm real, boy There's no HR ♪ 1078 00:45:11,312 --> 00:45:13,914 ♪ I'm the fucking dom Don't need a fucking man ♪ 1079 00:45:14,014 --> 00:45:15,983 ♪ And by now you know my plan ♪ 1080 00:45:16,083 --> 00:45:18,653 ♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪ 1081 00:45:18,752 --> 00:45:20,821 ♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪ 1082 00:45:20,921 --> 00:45:23,123 ♪ Out-screw the cock ♪ 1083 00:45:23,224 --> 00:45:26,528 ♪ Yeah, out-screw these cocks ♪ 1084 00:45:26,628 --> 00:45:28,663 ♪ Outplay all these losers ♪ 1085 00:45:28,762 --> 00:45:31,666 ♪ Outplay all these losers ♪ 1086 00:45:31,765 --> 00:45:34,401 ♪ Out-juice all these nuts ♪ 1087 00:45:34,501 --> 00:45:37,672 ♪ Out-juice all these nuts ♪ 1088 00:45:37,771 --> 00:45:40,107 ♪ These baby boys can't keep the pace ♪ 1089 00:45:40,207 --> 00:45:42,743 ♪ They're all so fucking slow ♪ 1090 00:45:42,843 --> 00:45:45,680 ♪ They love acting like they run the place ♪ 1091 00:45:45,779 --> 00:45:48,082 ♪ But I'm the CEO ♪ 1092 00:45:48,182 --> 00:45:50,685 ♪ These men are fucking dinosaurs ♪ 1093 00:45:50,784 --> 00:45:53,087 -♪ About to be destroyed ♪ -(GRUNTS) 1094 00:45:53,187 --> 00:45:57,925 -♪ And I'm the asteroid ♪ -♪ And I'm the asteroid ♪ 1095 00:45:58,025 --> 00:46:00,327 ♪ They've called me shrill They've called me slut ♪ 1096 00:46:00,427 --> 00:46:02,896 ♪ They've called me ice queen And what's more ♪ 1097 00:46:02,997 --> 00:46:05,799 ♪ They've called me crazy Called me loud ♪ 1098 00:46:05,899 --> 00:46:09,069 ♪ They've called me bitch and cunt and whore ♪ 1099 00:46:09,169 --> 00:46:11,539 -♪ Imagine, if you will ♪ -(VOCALIZING) 1100 00:46:11,640 --> 00:46:14,341 ♪ We murdered all the males ♪ 1101 00:46:14,441 --> 00:46:16,711 ♪ A woman-driven world ♪ 1102 00:46:16,810 --> 00:46:19,681 ♪ Where equity prevails ♪ 1103 00:46:19,780 --> 00:46:22,082 ♪ Sadly That's not how it is ♪ 1104 00:46:22,182 --> 00:46:24,318 ♪ But don't you get upset ♪ 1105 00:46:24,418 --> 00:46:27,154 ♪ I'll put those boys right in their place ♪ 1106 00:46:27,254 --> 00:46:28,956 ♪ Goddamn, that makes me wet ♪ 1107 00:46:29,056 --> 00:46:30,525 -(VOCALIZING) -(CHUCKLES) 1108 00:46:32,727 --> 00:46:35,396 Trevor, Craig, you're fired. 1109 00:46:35,496 --> 00:46:36,765 (CRASHING) 1110 00:46:36,864 --> 00:46:38,700 ♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪ 1111 00:46:38,799 --> 00:46:41,435 ♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪ 1112 00:46:41,536 --> 00:46:43,904 ♪ Outfox the fox ♪ 1113 00:46:44,004 --> 00:46:46,574 ♪ Outfox the fox, ah ♪ 1114 00:46:46,675 --> 00:46:48,777 ♪ Outsmart all these dummies ♪ 1115 00:46:48,876 --> 00:46:51,746 ♪ Outsmart all the dummies ♪ 1116 00:46:51,845 --> 00:46:54,516 ♪ Out-fuck all these cocks ♪ 1117 00:46:54,616 --> 00:46:56,884 ♪ Out-fuck all these cocks ♪ 1118 00:46:56,984 --> 00:46:59,987 ♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪ 1119 00:47:00,087 --> 00:47:02,590 ♪ Out-alpha the alpha Out-alpha the alpha ♪ 1120 00:47:02,691 --> 00:47:04,825 ♪ Out-alpha the alpha ♪ 1121 00:47:04,925 --> 00:47:07,762 -(VOCALIZING) -♪ Ah ♪ 1122 00:47:07,861 --> 00:47:09,363 -(MUSIC ENDS) -(WOMAN WHOOPS) 1123 00:47:10,532 --> 00:47:12,466 Bitch, that was fun. 1124 00:47:12,567 --> 00:47:14,803 Okay, now, back to the story. 1125 00:47:14,902 --> 00:47:17,338 (PIANO PLAYING GENTLE MELODY) 1126 00:47:17,438 --> 00:47:19,406 (LOW CROWD CHATTER) 1127 00:47:30,050 --> 00:47:31,485 You know, fuck that fucking job. 1128 00:47:31,586 --> 00:47:33,854 -Who needs that fucking job? -PATRON: Shh! 1129 00:47:33,954 --> 00:47:35,724 -Ugh. -Rude. 1130 00:47:35,824 --> 00:47:38,359 -(GASPS) Oh! Look, look, look. -Oh, oh. 1131 00:47:39,026 --> 00:47:41,596 (GRUNTS) Excuse me. Excuse me, ma'am. 1132 00:47:41,696 --> 00:47:43,230 (CRASHING) 1133 00:47:44,632 --> 00:47:45,866 M-Ma'am? 1134 00:47:47,301 --> 00:47:50,538 (HARRIS SIGHING) 1135 00:47:50,638 --> 00:47:52,507 (WHEELCHAIR WHIRRING) 1136 00:47:57,010 --> 00:47:59,079 (CRASHING) 1137 00:48:02,316 --> 00:48:03,484 (SIGHS) 1138 00:48:04,284 --> 00:48:06,987 Ugh. Ugh. 1139 00:48:08,389 --> 00:48:09,456 (SIGHS) 1140 00:48:11,425 --> 00:48:12,893 (SIGHS) 1141 00:48:12,993 --> 00:48:15,028 Well, this is ridiculous. 1142 00:48:15,129 --> 00:48:16,397 I don't see him anywhere. 1143 00:48:16,497 --> 00:48:18,999 I'm just going to go right back ho... 1144 00:48:19,534 --> 00:48:22,069 -Evelyn? -Harris? 1145 00:48:22,169 --> 00:48:24,138 BOTH: What are you doing here? 1146 00:48:24,238 --> 00:48:25,840 I'm having a romantic dinner... 1147 00:48:25,939 --> 00:48:27,040 -...with Trevor. -...with Craig. 1148 00:48:27,141 --> 00:48:29,476 (GASPS) Oh, my God. 1149 00:48:29,577 --> 00:48:30,745 The twins. 1150 00:48:30,845 --> 00:48:33,013 The twins must have found one another, 1151 00:48:33,113 --> 00:48:35,416 switched places to meet the parent they never knew 1152 00:48:35,517 --> 00:48:38,452 and then tricked us into coming here and reuniting. 1153 00:48:38,986 --> 00:48:40,522 Those rascals. 1154 00:48:40,622 --> 00:48:42,690 Well, I'm flummoxed. 1155 00:48:42,791 --> 00:48:44,458 I'm dumbfounded. 1156 00:48:44,559 --> 00:48:47,127 Those were always two of your best qualities. 1157 00:48:47,227 --> 00:48:50,297 -Oh, Harris. -(BOTH CHUCKLE) 1158 00:48:50,397 --> 00:48:53,635 My God, Evelyn. How long has it been? 1159 00:48:53,735 --> 00:48:56,638 260 years. 1160 00:48:56,738 --> 00:49:01,375 It's been 260 years since we last saw one another? 1161 00:49:01,475 --> 00:49:04,945 Oh, I thought you meant since the French and Indian War. 1162 00:49:05,045 --> 00:49:08,215 Oh, I have no idea how long it's been since we... 1163 00:49:09,283 --> 00:49:10,919 split up. 1164 00:49:11,018 --> 00:49:14,622 Yes, well, at any rate, it's been a long time. 1165 00:49:15,155 --> 00:49:18,125 Yes. Yes, it has. 1166 00:49:18,225 --> 00:49:19,661 -(SIGHS) -(CLEARS THROAT) 1167 00:49:19,761 --> 00:49:21,094 Garcon? 1168 00:49:22,062 --> 00:49:24,998 -Garcon? -Yes, madame? 1169 00:49:25,098 --> 00:49:27,401 Um, my apologies, but, uh, 1170 00:49:27,501 --> 00:49:30,237 we're actually going to have to cancel our reservation. 1171 00:49:30,337 --> 00:49:32,807 Yes, there's been a mistake. 1172 00:49:32,907 --> 00:49:34,174 -Oh, ooh. -Oh, oh. 1173 00:49:34,274 --> 00:49:36,009 Ah, but I hear that this wine 1174 00:49:36,109 --> 00:49:38,045 will be of particular interest to you both. 1175 00:49:38,145 --> 00:49:41,148 It's a 1970 Domaine Leroy, like you had 1176 00:49:41,248 --> 00:49:42,584 -on your honeymoon. -Like we had on our honeymoon. 1177 00:49:42,684 --> 00:49:44,953 And it's in a bottle. 1178 00:49:45,052 --> 00:49:48,088 -Well, it is a very nice wine. -(WINE POURING) 1179 00:49:48,790 --> 00:49:51,058 And it is free, after all. 1180 00:49:51,158 --> 00:49:53,761 -It's not. Enjoy. -EVELYN: Mmm. 1181 00:49:53,862 --> 00:49:55,162 (HARRIS SIGHS) 1182 00:49:55,830 --> 00:49:57,197 A toast, 1183 00:49:57,297 --> 00:49:59,500 to our clever, stubborn boys. 1184 00:49:59,601 --> 00:50:02,804 They are the one thing we got mostly right. 1185 00:50:02,904 --> 00:50:05,138 -Mostly. -(BOTH LAUGHING) 1186 00:50:06,741 --> 00:50:09,711 And... dissolve. 1187 00:50:09,811 --> 00:50:12,145 -Mmm. -God, I've missed this. 1188 00:50:12,246 --> 00:50:14,582 And I haven't even thought about the Sewer Boys once. 1189 00:50:14,682 --> 00:50:18,720 Those fucking things are still alive? Ugh. 1190 00:50:18,820 --> 00:50:21,121 God, how old are they now? 1191 00:50:21,221 --> 00:50:22,489 They're younger, actually. 1192 00:50:22,590 --> 00:50:25,527 They operate outside of linear time. 1193 00:50:25,627 --> 00:50:28,028 Sure. I'm familiar. 1194 00:50:29,664 --> 00:50:32,667 What went wrong between us, Evelyn, 1195 00:50:32,767 --> 00:50:34,401 all those many moons ago? 1196 00:50:34,501 --> 00:50:37,572 Oh, what goes wrong with any couple? 1197 00:50:37,672 --> 00:50:39,774 We were young and foolish. 1198 00:50:39,874 --> 00:50:42,075 -We drifted apart. -Hmm. 1199 00:50:42,175 --> 00:50:44,244 And you did start fucking men. 1200 00:50:45,045 --> 00:50:47,247 All the time, fucking men. 1201 00:50:48,883 --> 00:50:51,619 There are always little clues that a person might be gay. 1202 00:50:51,719 --> 00:50:54,822 Well, it hardly matters now, since my pussy fell off. 1203 00:50:54,923 --> 00:50:56,758 Yes, it hardly matters now. 1204 00:50:56,858 --> 00:50:58,760 (SPUTTERS) 1205 00:50:58,860 --> 00:51:00,360 I'm sorry, what? 1206 00:51:01,128 --> 00:51:02,429 Delicious. 1207 00:51:03,031 --> 00:51:04,666 (GULPS) 1208 00:51:04,766 --> 00:51:06,099 Hmm. (GULPS) 1209 00:51:06,199 --> 00:51:07,802 Evelyn, is something the matter? 1210 00:51:07,902 --> 00:51:08,937 (MUFFLED GRUNTING) 1211 00:51:09,037 --> 00:51:11,271 Oh, you're choking. Oh! 1212 00:51:11,371 --> 00:51:12,172 Yes. 1213 00:51:12,272 --> 00:51:14,074 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1214 00:51:17,045 --> 00:51:17,979 Hmm? 1215 00:51:18,078 --> 00:51:20,247 -EVELYN: Oh. Harris? -(HARRIS GROANS) 1216 00:51:20,615 --> 00:51:21,716 Yes? 1217 00:51:21,816 --> 00:51:23,551 You're still holding onto me. 1218 00:51:23,651 --> 00:51:25,987 -Oh, I'm sorry. -Oh, no, no. It's fine. 1219 00:51:26,086 --> 00:51:27,220 -It's... -Oh. 1220 00:51:27,321 --> 00:51:28,957 It's more than fine. 1221 00:51:29,057 --> 00:51:31,124 (BOTH MOANING) 1222 00:51:33,795 --> 00:51:35,429 What are we even doing? 1223 00:51:35,530 --> 00:51:36,564 I'm not sure. 1224 00:51:36,664 --> 00:51:38,498 (BOTH MOANING) 1225 00:51:38,600 --> 00:51:40,133 Aren't you gay? 1226 00:51:40,233 --> 00:51:42,102 I-I don't know. It's like I'm... 1227 00:51:42,202 --> 00:51:44,471 I'm attracted to both men and women. 1228 00:51:44,572 --> 00:51:48,108 Huh. Well, now I have heard everything. 1229 00:51:48,208 --> 00:51:51,980 But, uh, also, and correct me if I'm wrong, 1230 00:51:52,080 --> 00:51:56,149 but, uh, didn't you just say that your... 1231 00:51:58,052 --> 00:51:59,319 (WHISPERS) ...pussy fell off? 1232 00:51:59,419 --> 00:52:03,323 Yes. Trevor had to kill it with a flip-flop in Greece. 1233 00:52:03,423 --> 00:52:07,528 But what he doesn't know is, I went back afterward, 1234 00:52:07,629 --> 00:52:11,065 scooped it up and put it into a plastic bag, 1235 00:52:11,164 --> 00:52:14,736 and now I always carry it with me 1236 00:52:14,836 --> 00:52:17,038 so that I feel like a woman. 1237 00:52:17,137 --> 00:52:19,306 Well, now I've heard everything. 1238 00:52:19,406 --> 00:52:21,408 (EXHALES) Oh, my God. 1239 00:52:21,509 --> 00:52:23,410 Well, that was unexpected. 1240 00:52:24,478 --> 00:52:26,848 -Uh, oh. Oh, I'm sorry. -Oh. 1241 00:52:26,948 --> 00:52:28,215 These are yours, those are mine. 1242 00:52:28,315 --> 00:52:29,684 I'm so embarrassed. Yes. 1243 00:52:29,784 --> 00:52:32,319 -Yes. -(BOTH GASP) 1244 00:52:32,954 --> 00:52:34,022 Oh, my God. 1245 00:52:34,122 --> 00:52:36,456 (GASPS, EXHALES) 1246 00:52:36,824 --> 00:52:37,792 So... 1247 00:52:39,292 --> 00:52:41,361 we can be together. 1248 00:52:41,461 --> 00:52:44,699 Why, yes. Yes, we can. 1249 00:52:44,799 --> 00:52:46,801 (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) 1250 00:52:47,969 --> 00:52:49,837 (DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES) 1251 00:52:53,041 --> 00:52:55,843 ♪ I thought these feelings ♪ 1252 00:52:55,943 --> 00:52:58,178 ♪ All had died ♪ 1253 00:52:58,278 --> 00:53:01,381 ♪ But now you're here ♪ 1254 00:53:01,481 --> 00:53:05,252 ♪ And now I find ♪ 1255 00:53:05,352 --> 00:53:10,290 ♪ I've missed you very much ♪ 1256 00:53:10,390 --> 00:53:12,325 (GASPING, LAUGHING QUIETLY) 1257 00:53:12,426 --> 00:53:17,330 ♪ I've missed your hair Your eyes, your face ♪ 1258 00:53:17,431 --> 00:53:20,134 ♪ But now you're here ♪ 1259 00:53:20,233 --> 00:53:22,302 ♪ And now I yearn ♪ 1260 00:53:22,402 --> 00:53:27,909 ♪ For a tender lover's ♪ 1261 00:53:28,009 --> 00:53:30,210 ♪ Touch ♪ 1262 00:53:31,445 --> 00:53:32,980 -Wow. -Wow. 1263 00:53:33,081 --> 00:53:34,448 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 1264 00:53:34,549 --> 00:53:36,483 (MOANS) 1265 00:53:38,986 --> 00:53:42,322 ♪ I feel the beat, beat, beat of your thumping heart ♪ 1266 00:53:42,422 --> 00:53:43,958 ♪ It's just my body telling you ♪ 1267 00:53:44,058 --> 00:53:45,358 ♪ I'm ready to start ♪ 1268 00:53:45,459 --> 00:53:48,196 ♪ Well, let's do it now because I'm ready to go ♪ 1269 00:53:48,295 --> 00:53:49,597 ♪ You know I like it rough ♪ 1270 00:53:49,697 --> 00:53:51,431 ♪ So don't you take it slow ♪ 1271 00:53:51,532 --> 00:53:54,535 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 1272 00:53:54,635 --> 00:53:56,170 ♪ I'm desperate for your dick ♪ 1273 00:53:56,269 --> 00:53:57,939 ♪ Desperate for your pussy ♪ 1274 00:53:58,039 --> 00:53:59,239 ♪ Hungry for your dick ♪ 1275 00:53:59,339 --> 00:54:01,374 ♪ Give me Give me that pussy ♪ 1276 00:54:01,475 --> 00:54:04,545 ♪ I got the taste, taste taste of you on my tongue ♪ 1277 00:54:04,645 --> 00:54:07,648 ♪ I want to get real wild like when we were young ♪ 1278 00:54:07,749 --> 00:54:10,852 ♪ Well, let's do it now because I'm ready to go ♪ 1279 00:54:10,952 --> 00:54:14,188 ♪ Roll over here, baby 'Cause I'm fixing to blow ♪ 1280 00:54:14,287 --> 00:54:17,390 ♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪ 1281 00:54:17,491 --> 00:54:19,060 ♪ I'm desperate for your snatch ♪ 1282 00:54:19,160 --> 00:54:20,962 ♪ I'm desperate for your cock ♪ 1283 00:54:21,062 --> 00:54:22,163 (MUFFLED) ♪ I want vagina ♪ 1284 00:54:22,262 --> 00:54:24,832 ♪ I'm talking about penis ♪ 1285 00:54:26,266 --> 00:54:27,835 -(GRUNTS) -(SCREAMS) 1286 00:54:30,370 --> 00:54:32,640 -(WHOOPS) -(GRUNTING) 1287 00:54:37,945 --> 00:54:40,248 (GRUNTING) 1288 00:54:40,347 --> 00:54:43,050 HARRIS AND EVELYN: ♪ I'm desperate ♪ 1289 00:54:43,151 --> 00:54:48,055 ♪ For your love ♪ 1290 00:54:48,156 --> 00:54:49,857 ♪ Desperate for your love ♪ 1291 00:54:51,424 --> 00:54:52,627 (MUSIC ENDS) 1292 00:54:52,727 --> 00:54:54,394 (CLATTERING) 1293 00:54:56,429 --> 00:54:57,965 And stay out. 1294 00:54:58,065 --> 00:55:01,235 Oh, I had a cape. Ugh. 1295 00:55:01,334 --> 00:55:03,470 ♪ We did it, we did it ♪ 1296 00:55:03,571 --> 00:55:04,539 ♪ We did it ♪ 1297 00:55:04,639 --> 00:55:05,673 Harris, we're being mugged. 1298 00:55:05,773 --> 00:55:07,141 -We're gonna die. -HARRIS: No, no. 1299 00:55:07,241 --> 00:55:08,676 -No, darling. -Huh? What? 1300 00:55:08,776 --> 00:55:10,178 It-it's our boys. 1301 00:55:10,278 --> 00:55:11,411 EVELYN: Oh, my God! 1302 00:55:11,512 --> 00:55:13,380 -It's so good to see you. -Oh, yay. 1303 00:55:13,480 --> 00:55:15,983 To see you both together. 1304 00:55:16,083 --> 00:55:18,485 Now, why'd you switch places? 1305 00:55:18,586 --> 00:55:20,555 I guess we thought, since you gave us up, 1306 00:55:20,655 --> 00:55:22,290 -maybe it meant you... -Hated us. 1307 00:55:22,389 --> 00:55:24,525 -(GASPS) -Hated you? No. 1308 00:55:24,625 --> 00:55:26,359 We hardly even knew you. 1309 00:55:26,459 --> 00:55:29,664 We drew straws at the hospital and each took a kid. 1310 00:55:31,165 --> 00:55:33,067 I just can't get over it. 1311 00:55:33,167 --> 00:55:34,936 All of us, reunited. 1312 00:55:35,036 --> 00:55:36,436 It's just like we planned. 1313 00:55:36,537 --> 00:55:38,873 And now that you're back in love again, 1314 00:55:38,973 --> 00:55:40,875 you're gonna get married! 1315 00:55:40,975 --> 00:55:41,709 -What? -What? 1316 00:55:41,809 --> 00:55:43,343 Get married! And when you do, 1317 00:55:43,443 --> 00:55:44,612 do you think you'll change your last names? 1318 00:55:44,712 --> 00:55:46,346 Oh! Should we change our last names? 1319 00:55:46,446 --> 00:55:48,216 -No, wait. -We can all live together. 1320 00:55:48,316 --> 00:55:49,416 Then every day would be like Christmas. 1321 00:55:49,517 --> 00:55:51,152 -Yes. -Unless we're Jewish, 1322 00:55:51,252 --> 00:55:53,353 then every day would be like Easter. 1323 00:55:53,453 --> 00:55:57,325 Boys, boys, please, I mean, Craig, I just met you. 1324 00:55:57,457 --> 00:55:59,927 -I'm Trevor. -Exactly. And I'm gay. 1325 00:56:00,027 --> 00:56:02,163 Yeah, but you just had hot, awesome sex with Mom, 1326 00:56:02,263 --> 00:56:03,764 so now maybe you're straight. 1327 00:56:03,865 --> 00:56:06,033 It's clear that we were both just longing 1328 00:56:06,133 --> 00:56:07,568 for some physical touch. 1329 00:56:07,668 --> 00:56:09,337 We were fucking horny. 1330 00:56:09,436 --> 00:56:13,207 Right, exactly, but our marriage didn't work. 1331 00:56:13,307 --> 00:56:15,209 And I'm an independent woman. 1332 00:56:15,309 --> 00:56:19,847 I do not like when people live with... 1333 00:56:27,355 --> 00:56:28,723 me. 1334 00:56:28,823 --> 00:56:33,294 And I-I feel like maybe I haven't stressed this enough, 1335 00:56:33,393 --> 00:56:34,896 I do fuck men. 1336 00:56:34,996 --> 00:56:37,598 Not as often as I'd like, but whenever I get the chance. 1337 00:56:37,698 --> 00:56:39,867 EVELYN: Boys, listen now. 1338 00:56:39,967 --> 00:56:41,736 We love you, but... 1339 00:56:42,236 --> 00:56:48,576 we will never... 1340 00:56:49,610 --> 00:56:51,612 get married again. 1341 00:56:54,081 --> 00:56:56,416 This is stupid! 1342 00:56:56,517 --> 00:56:59,120 I hate you! And I hate both of you! 1343 00:56:59,220 --> 00:57:00,321 We lost everything 1344 00:57:00,420 --> 00:57:01,756 -because of you. -No. 1345 00:57:01,856 --> 00:57:03,557 Now we don't even have a family? 1346 00:57:03,658 --> 00:57:05,693 We can still be a family, 1347 00:57:05,793 --> 00:57:08,095 even if your mother and I aren't together. 1348 00:57:08,195 --> 00:57:09,964 No, not the kind we wanted. 1349 00:57:10,064 --> 00:57:12,733 You split us up when we were babies. 1350 00:57:12,833 --> 00:57:15,169 I mean, that's fucking psycho! 1351 00:57:15,269 --> 00:57:16,871 Boys, we didn't realize 1352 00:57:16,971 --> 00:57:18,973 that being lied to your entire lives 1353 00:57:19,073 --> 00:57:20,675 would upset you this much. 1354 00:57:20,775 --> 00:57:23,411 But at least we have each other now. 1355 00:57:23,511 --> 00:57:24,946 -No, no, no, no, no. -No, no, no, no. No, Dad. 1356 00:57:25,046 --> 00:57:26,681 -EVELYN: Yay! Yay! -No. No, Mommy. 1357 00:57:26,781 --> 00:57:28,683 -Yay. Yay. -No, Mommy. 1358 00:57:28,783 --> 00:57:30,985 -No. No. -Stop it. Stop it. 1359 00:57:32,320 --> 00:57:33,888 -Yay. -No. 1360 00:57:35,589 --> 00:57:36,557 Come on, Craig. 1361 00:57:36,657 --> 00:57:37,825 -Trevor. -Trevor. 1362 00:57:38,491 --> 00:57:40,027 -Let's go. -(SCOFFS) 1363 00:57:40,127 --> 00:57:41,762 -Yeah. -Ugh. 1364 00:57:41,862 --> 00:57:43,998 Don't. Don't leave like this. 1365 00:57:44,932 --> 00:57:45,967 Oh... 1366 00:57:47,467 --> 00:57:49,704 Which one is which? 1367 00:57:50,470 --> 00:57:51,672 TREVOR: We can still fix this. 1368 00:57:51,772 --> 00:57:53,207 We just need to get Mom and Dad to... 1369 00:57:53,307 --> 00:57:54,709 No, Trevor, just-- No. 1370 00:57:54,809 --> 00:57:56,577 -You don't mean that. -I do. 1371 00:57:56,677 --> 00:57:59,847 I-I mean no, and no means no this time. 1372 00:57:59,947 --> 00:58:02,149 I'm done, okay? This is done. 1373 00:58:02,249 --> 00:58:03,417 What are you saying? 1374 00:58:03,517 --> 00:58:05,519 I-I don't know what I'm saying. 1375 00:58:05,619 --> 00:58:07,989 I've never felt this way before. 1376 00:58:08,089 --> 00:58:10,191 Usually when I want something, I get it. 1377 00:58:10,291 --> 00:58:12,893 In fact, it almost feels like society and all its systems 1378 00:58:12,994 --> 00:58:15,463 were built so that a man who looks like me can succeed. 1379 00:58:15,563 --> 00:58:18,332 And so, now to want something and not get it, 1380 00:58:18,432 --> 00:58:20,735 it-it makes me feel... feel... 1381 00:58:20,835 --> 00:58:22,803 -Feel what, Craig? What? -Feelings! 1382 00:58:22,903 --> 00:58:25,573 Bad ones! And I want to make them go away! 1383 00:58:25,673 --> 00:58:28,009 -This is just like you. -Excuse me? 1384 00:58:28,109 --> 00:58:30,444 To give up. I bet you give up on your boner 1385 00:58:30,544 --> 00:58:31,712 before it's even fully hard. 1386 00:58:31,812 --> 00:58:34,015 Fuck you. I have never given up on a semi. 1387 00:58:34,115 --> 00:58:35,750 My doctors say I am medically horny. 1388 00:58:35,850 --> 00:58:38,452 I never lost anything until you showed up. 1389 00:58:38,552 --> 00:58:40,054 You ruined my life! 1390 00:58:40,154 --> 00:58:41,622 You ruined mine, okay? 1391 00:58:41,722 --> 00:58:42,990 I knew this wouldn't work! 1392 00:58:43,090 --> 00:58:45,793 It would still work if you weren't a fucking quitter. 1393 00:58:45,893 --> 00:58:48,562 We didn't quit. We failed! 1394 00:58:48,662 --> 00:58:50,865 -(TIRES SCREECHING) -(LOUD CRASH) 1395 00:58:51,966 --> 00:58:53,067 Well, if that's how you feel about it, 1396 00:58:53,167 --> 00:58:54,869 then I guess there's nothing left to say. 1397 00:58:54,969 --> 00:58:56,470 I guess not. 1398 00:58:56,570 --> 00:58:58,039 Goodbye forever, Craig. 1399 00:58:58,139 --> 00:58:59,840 Goodbye to you, too. 1400 00:58:59,940 --> 00:59:01,409 For forever. 1401 00:59:01,510 --> 00:59:03,677 (MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING) 1402 00:59:15,289 --> 00:59:16,424 Wait, you... 1403 00:59:16,525 --> 00:59:18,259 You've lived next to me this entire time? 1404 00:59:18,359 --> 00:59:19,794 I guess so. 1405 00:59:20,694 --> 00:59:22,129 That's weird. 1406 00:59:22,630 --> 00:59:24,065 Yeah. 1407 00:59:24,165 --> 00:59:25,166 That is weird. 1408 00:59:31,806 --> 00:59:37,344 ♪ No one understands what I've been through ♪ 1409 00:59:39,880 --> 00:59:45,920 ♪ No one knows what it's like to be ♪ 1410 00:59:46,921 --> 00:59:51,158 ♪ I just lost my brother twin ♪ 1411 00:59:54,628 --> 00:59:59,166 ♪ Who also was my only friend ♪ 1412 01:00:02,069 --> 01:00:07,274 ♪ The only one who understands ♪ 1413 01:00:09,710 --> 01:00:11,045 ♪ Is... ♪ 1414 01:00:12,413 --> 01:00:13,948 (BOTH SIGH) 1415 01:00:14,048 --> 01:00:16,217 (MELANCHOLY MUSIC CONTINUES) 1416 01:00:28,195 --> 01:00:29,497 Jesus, Craig. 1417 01:00:29,598 --> 01:00:31,065 You look like shit. 1418 01:00:31,165 --> 01:00:32,700 I'm fine. Can it. 1419 01:00:32,800 --> 01:00:34,536 Hey, that's my job. 1420 01:00:34,635 --> 01:00:35,636 Shut up. 1421 01:00:35,736 --> 01:00:36,737 No, you shut up. 1422 01:00:36,837 --> 01:00:38,139 You know what? 1423 01:00:38,239 --> 01:00:39,940 Actually, fuck off. 1424 01:00:40,875 --> 01:00:42,843 Get the fuck out of here! 1425 01:00:47,047 --> 01:00:47,882 (GROANS) 1426 01:00:47,982 --> 01:00:50,017 Oh, hey, hey. Can I bum one of those? 1427 01:00:50,117 --> 01:00:52,019 Man, I already gave you a whole pack. 1428 01:00:52,119 --> 01:00:54,421 Aren't you supposed to be some sort of hung hotshot? 1429 01:00:54,523 --> 01:00:55,956 (SCOFFS) He was once. 1430 01:00:56,690 --> 01:00:58,225 But he got fired. 1431 01:00:58,325 --> 01:00:59,594 And I heard 1432 01:00:59,693 --> 01:01:01,762 that while his penis is large, 1433 01:01:01,862 --> 01:01:03,931 it's only slightly above average. 1434 01:01:05,499 --> 01:01:07,636 No. That's not true. 1435 01:01:07,735 --> 01:01:09,436 It's very large! 1436 01:01:10,204 --> 01:01:11,372 Come back! 1437 01:01:13,774 --> 01:01:15,176 -Harris. -Hmm? 1438 01:01:16,277 --> 01:01:17,978 I'm worried. 1439 01:01:18,679 --> 01:01:19,713 About us? 1440 01:01:19,813 --> 01:01:21,215 No, not about us. 1441 01:01:21,315 --> 01:01:23,884 We'll be friends, and sometimes we'll fuck. 1442 01:01:23,984 --> 01:01:26,854 Okay, yes, same page, precisely. 1443 01:01:26,954 --> 01:01:30,257 I was talking about the boys. 1444 01:01:30,357 --> 01:01:31,325 Oh, them. 1445 01:01:31,425 --> 01:01:33,160 What are we going to do? 1446 01:01:33,894 --> 01:01:35,029 I don't know. 1447 01:01:35,129 --> 01:01:36,764 Should we drown them in the bathtub 1448 01:01:36,864 --> 01:01:38,766 in the old-fashioned way? 1449 01:01:40,367 --> 01:01:41,368 (SIGHS) 1450 01:01:41,468 --> 01:01:42,836 GOD: They didn't drown them. 1451 01:01:42,937 --> 01:01:45,039 They kidnapped them. 1452 01:01:45,372 --> 01:01:47,107 (BOTH GASPING) 1453 01:01:48,275 --> 01:01:49,743 BOTH: Surprise! 1454 01:01:49,843 --> 01:01:52,246 Mom? Dad? What the fuck? 1455 01:01:52,346 --> 01:01:54,982 -And where's my beard? -Where's my beard? 1456 01:01:55,082 --> 01:01:56,450 Those beards were fucking awesome. 1457 01:01:56,551 --> 01:01:57,586 Yes. 1458 01:01:57,686 --> 01:01:59,753 -No, they were fake. -And shitty looking. 1459 01:01:59,853 --> 01:02:01,155 HARRIS: Exactly. 1460 01:02:01,255 --> 01:02:04,526 Boys, we see now that splitting you up at birth 1461 01:02:04,626 --> 01:02:06,093 was borderline abusive, 1462 01:02:06,827 --> 01:02:08,796 but parenting's hard. 1463 01:02:08,896 --> 01:02:11,865 Everyone makes mistakes, right? 1464 01:02:11,966 --> 01:02:14,768 That's it? That's why you kidnapped us? 1465 01:02:14,868 --> 01:02:17,972 Oh, can you even kidnap an adult? 1466 01:02:18,072 --> 01:02:20,040 -Yes. -CRAIG: Listen, 1467 01:02:20,140 --> 01:02:21,942 we didn't want to be kidnapped, all right? 1468 01:02:22,042 --> 01:02:23,811 -We wanted you to apologize. -Right. 1469 01:02:23,911 --> 01:02:25,813 We are apologizing. 1470 01:02:25,913 --> 01:02:28,115 We're sorry that you're mad at us, 1471 01:02:28,215 --> 01:02:30,184 and we'd rather that you not be. 1472 01:02:30,284 --> 01:02:32,786 You know what? We would love to not be mad at you, 1473 01:02:32,886 --> 01:02:36,357 if you would just do what we want and get married. 1474 01:02:36,457 --> 01:02:39,226 Oh, eat me. Not again. 1475 01:02:39,326 --> 01:02:42,530 -You two really are stubborn. -(SEWER BOYS SCREECHING) 1476 01:02:42,631 --> 01:02:43,764 You two are stubborn. 1477 01:02:43,864 --> 01:02:44,898 Uh-oh, dinnertime. 1478 01:02:44,999 --> 01:02:46,767 -Why won't you change for us? -Yes. 1479 01:02:46,867 --> 01:02:50,337 I don't even know what there is to change. 1480 01:02:51,372 --> 01:02:53,340 This, Dad. Change this. 1481 01:02:53,440 --> 01:02:56,277 -Oh! Now you've upset them. -(BOTH SCREECHING) 1482 01:02:56,377 --> 01:02:58,178 -Oh. -Oh. Careful. 1483 01:02:58,279 --> 01:02:59,880 They don't like sudden movements. 1484 01:02:59,980 --> 01:03:01,415 -Ugh. -Oh! 1485 01:03:01,516 --> 01:03:02,717 -(TREVOR SCREAMING) -Oh! 1486 01:03:02,816 --> 01:03:05,152 Oh, they're out. They're out. Ew, ew, ew! 1487 01:03:05,252 --> 01:03:08,822 -(HARRIS YELLING) -Motherfucker! 1488 01:03:08,922 --> 01:03:11,726 -Shut up! -(TOILET FLUSHING) 1489 01:03:11,859 --> 01:03:14,428 Backpack. Whisper. Dear God, no! 1490 01:03:16,598 --> 01:03:18,165 Sewer Boys. 1491 01:03:18,533 --> 01:03:20,267 My Sewer Boys. 1492 01:03:22,303 --> 01:03:25,306 They've returned to the slimy depths 1493 01:03:25,406 --> 01:03:27,107 from whence they came. 1494 01:03:27,709 --> 01:03:29,410 (SHUDDERING BREATH) 1495 01:03:29,511 --> 01:03:31,579 (PANTING) 1496 01:03:31,680 --> 01:03:32,946 They've gone down the pipes. 1497 01:03:33,047 --> 01:03:35,282 -Oh. -HARRIS: Back into the sewers. 1498 01:03:35,382 --> 01:03:36,216 I have to go after them. 1499 01:03:36,317 --> 01:03:37,652 CRAIG: (WHISPERING) Go after them? 1500 01:03:37,752 --> 01:03:39,853 But he's, like, 40 years old, I bet. 1501 01:03:39,953 --> 01:03:41,922 (SIGHS) What do we all think of this cape? 1502 01:03:42,022 --> 01:03:43,490 -(SNICKERS) -HARRIS: I know, 1503 01:03:43,591 --> 01:03:46,695 it's too drab. I'm gonna go with the Valentino. 1504 01:03:46,795 --> 01:03:49,830 EVELYN: Are you sure this is a good idea? 1505 01:03:49,930 --> 01:03:51,733 Sure as schadenfreude. 1506 01:03:51,832 --> 01:03:53,233 I'm going in. 1507 01:03:53,334 --> 01:03:57,605 A sometimes-gay man all alone in the sewers? 1508 01:03:57,706 --> 01:04:00,207 Seems dangerous. 1509 01:04:00,307 --> 01:04:01,342 It is, 1510 01:04:02,109 --> 01:04:04,378 but those Sewer Boys, 1511 01:04:04,478 --> 01:04:06,013 they're my whole life. 1512 01:04:06,914 --> 01:04:08,315 (SIGHS) 1513 01:04:08,415 --> 01:04:09,751 Au revoir, my dear. 1514 01:04:09,850 --> 01:04:11,985 -(GRUNTS) -EVELYN: Oh, oh. 1515 01:04:12,086 --> 01:04:13,854 -(HARRIS YELLS) -(EVELYN SCREAMS) 1516 01:04:13,954 --> 01:04:16,624 -(LOUD CRASH, WATER SPLASHING) -HARRIS: Goddamn it. 1517 01:04:16,725 --> 01:04:19,259 I just got these pants. 1518 01:04:20,127 --> 01:04:21,796 Come on, Mom, let's get you home. 1519 01:04:21,895 --> 01:04:22,963 But Harris is all alone and... 1520 01:04:23,063 --> 01:04:24,231 Oh, fuck him. 1521 01:04:24,331 --> 01:04:25,966 And what do you care? Don't you have to go back 1522 01:04:26,066 --> 01:04:28,068 to shutting out the entire world? 1523 01:04:29,704 --> 01:04:32,640 ♪ I'm 93 ♪ 1524 01:04:32,741 --> 01:04:35,810 ♪ No, 94 ♪ 1525 01:04:35,909 --> 01:04:39,046 ♪ That's not so bad ♪ 1526 01:04:39,146 --> 01:04:42,483 ♪ I do want ♪ 1527 01:04:42,584 --> 01:04:45,587 ♪ More ♪ 1528 01:04:45,687 --> 01:04:48,523 (CARRYING NOTE) 1529 01:05:03,505 --> 01:05:04,639 (SIGHS) 1530 01:05:04,739 --> 01:05:08,275 I'm coming, Harris! 1531 01:05:08,375 --> 01:05:10,244 -(LOUD CRASH, SPLASHING) -What the fuck? 1532 01:05:10,344 --> 01:05:11,679 Jesus Christ. 1533 01:05:11,780 --> 01:05:14,448 Ugh. We're not going in there, right? 1534 01:05:14,549 --> 01:05:16,316 No fucking way. 1535 01:05:19,953 --> 01:05:21,922 -I'm gonna go in. -Okay, then me, too. 1536 01:05:22,022 --> 01:05:24,458 BOTH: Whee! 1537 01:05:24,559 --> 01:05:25,860 (LOUD CRASH, SPLASHING) 1538 01:05:25,959 --> 01:05:28,162 (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) 1539 01:05:32,567 --> 01:05:34,368 ♪ I must run ♪ 1540 01:05:34,468 --> 01:05:36,303 ♪ To my boys ♪ 1541 01:05:36,403 --> 01:05:39,306 ♪ I must go I must run to my boys ♪ 1542 01:05:39,406 --> 01:05:40,675 -(OTHERS SCREAMING) -CRAIG: Dad! 1543 01:05:40,775 --> 01:05:42,544 ♪ My God, they came ♪ 1544 01:05:42,644 --> 01:05:44,478 ♪ Could it be that I was wrong? ♪ 1545 01:05:44,579 --> 01:05:45,580 (GASPS) 1546 01:05:45,680 --> 01:05:48,949 ♪ Was I running from my family all along? ♪ 1547 01:05:54,121 --> 01:05:55,890 ♪ Harris is so brave ♪ 1548 01:05:55,989 --> 01:05:57,926 ♪ The boys each found their twin ♪ 1549 01:05:58,058 --> 01:06:00,060 ♪ These men have charged back in my life ♪ 1550 01:06:00,160 --> 01:06:02,429 ♪ And changed it from within ♪ 1551 01:06:02,530 --> 01:06:04,465 ♪ Up is down ♪ 1552 01:06:04,566 --> 01:06:06,668 ♪ Left is right ♪ 1553 01:06:06,768 --> 01:06:09,604 ♪ And even underground ♪ 1554 01:06:09,704 --> 01:06:12,406 ♪ My world feels bright ♪ 1555 01:06:16,678 --> 01:06:18,278 ♪ I'm sorry we fought ♪ 1556 01:06:18,378 --> 01:06:20,582 ♪ Oh, my God, dude, me, too ♪ 1557 01:06:20,682 --> 01:06:24,752 ♪ My life's so much better when I am with you ♪ 1558 01:06:24,853 --> 01:06:26,754 ♪ It's not what I wanted ♪ 1559 01:06:26,855 --> 01:06:28,923 ♪ And yet, could it be? ♪ 1560 01:06:29,022 --> 01:06:32,392 ♪ Do we have a family? ♪ 1561 01:06:37,599 --> 01:06:38,867 ♪ I must run ♪ 1562 01:06:38,967 --> 01:06:40,768 -♪ Harris is so brave ♪ -♪ You're so fucking awesome ♪ 1563 01:06:40,869 --> 01:06:44,572 -♪ Dude, you're awesome, too ♪ -♪ My life's so much better ♪ 1564 01:06:44,672 --> 01:06:46,273 -♪ When I am with you ♪ -♪ These men ♪ 1565 01:06:46,373 --> 01:06:47,742 -♪ Have charged back ♪ -♪ They're here ♪ 1566 01:06:47,842 --> 01:06:49,376 -♪ In my life ♪ -♪ I fear that I was wrong ♪ 1567 01:06:49,476 --> 01:06:52,780 ♪ I've been running from my family all along ♪ 1568 01:06:52,881 --> 01:06:54,549 ♪ Do we have a family? ♪ 1569 01:06:54,649 --> 01:06:57,351 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 1570 01:06:58,151 --> 01:06:59,954 ♪ I can't believe ♪ 1571 01:07:00,053 --> 01:07:01,956 ♪ We are together ♪ 1572 01:07:02,055 --> 01:07:03,357 ♪ Underneath the city ♪ 1573 01:07:03,457 --> 01:07:05,793 ♪ Where it smells like piss ♪ 1574 01:07:05,894 --> 01:07:07,662 ♪ As a unit ♪ 1575 01:07:07,762 --> 01:07:09,998 ♪ We are so much better ♪ 1576 01:07:10,097 --> 01:07:13,001 ♪ I never thought it would be like this ♪ 1577 01:07:13,100 --> 01:07:14,936 ♪ Also, it smells like piss ♪ 1578 01:07:15,035 --> 01:07:18,071 ♪ It smells like piss ♪ 1579 01:07:18,171 --> 01:07:19,674 ♪ We're all down here together in the sewer ♪ 1580 01:07:19,774 --> 01:07:21,709 ♪ And it smells like fucking piss ♪ 1581 01:07:21,809 --> 01:07:24,077 (SEWER BOYS SCREAMING) 1582 01:07:24,646 --> 01:07:25,780 Backpack. Whisper. 1583 01:07:25,880 --> 01:07:28,382 MAN: Die, Sewer Boys, die. 1584 01:07:28,482 --> 01:07:29,751 Dear God! 1585 01:07:29,851 --> 01:07:32,587 -(MAN YELLING) -HARRIS: No! 1586 01:07:32,687 --> 01:07:34,221 No! Oh... 1587 01:07:34,321 --> 01:07:36,724 MAN: Die, die, die! 1588 01:07:36,824 --> 01:07:38,191 -Oh! Oh, God. -HARRIS: Oh! 1589 01:07:38,292 --> 01:07:40,227 Okay. All right, all right, all right, 1590 01:07:40,327 --> 01:07:41,763 all right, all right. 1591 01:07:41,863 --> 01:07:43,698 (COOING) 1592 01:07:43,798 --> 01:07:47,702 Mama's gonna need you to be brave, baby girl. 1593 01:07:48,770 --> 01:07:50,905 I know, I know, 1594 01:07:51,271 --> 01:07:52,941 but you got this. 1595 01:07:53,041 --> 01:07:54,374 All right. 1596 01:07:54,474 --> 01:07:57,311 (COOING) 1597 01:08:03,751 --> 01:08:05,620 (ROARING) 1598 01:08:07,120 --> 01:08:08,723 -(PUSSY GROWLING) -Oh! 1599 01:08:13,460 --> 01:08:14,428 Ooh! 1600 01:08:14,529 --> 01:08:15,597 Oh, my God. 1601 01:08:15,697 --> 01:08:19,232 Eat my snatch, you government piece of shit. 1602 01:08:19,333 --> 01:08:21,301 Are you all right? Oh... 1603 01:08:21,401 --> 01:08:24,271 Jesus, Mom, your pussy saved the day. 1604 01:08:24,371 --> 01:08:26,074 Backpack. Whisper. 1605 01:08:26,173 --> 01:08:28,408 -Oh. (KISSES) -(BOTH PURRING) 1606 01:08:29,476 --> 01:08:30,277 (SIGHS) 1607 01:08:30,377 --> 01:08:33,081 Wait a minute, are those... 1608 01:08:33,180 --> 01:08:35,182 their parents? 1609 01:08:35,282 --> 01:08:38,385 They're so fake and shitty looking. 1610 01:08:39,386 --> 01:08:41,823 -(SIGHS) -TREVOR: All right, 1611 01:08:41,923 --> 01:08:42,957 let's grab the little abortions 1612 01:08:43,057 --> 01:08:44,324 and get the fuck out of here. 1613 01:08:45,459 --> 01:08:46,594 (SIGHS) 1614 01:08:47,528 --> 01:08:48,495 No. 1615 01:08:49,429 --> 01:08:51,599 -Let them stay. -CRAIG AND EVELYN: What? 1616 01:08:51,699 --> 01:08:52,967 But you love them. 1617 01:08:53,067 --> 01:08:55,003 I do, 1618 01:08:55,103 --> 01:08:56,738 but they deserve to be with their family. 1619 01:08:56,838 --> 01:08:58,840 (CHITTERING) 1620 01:08:58,940 --> 01:09:00,140 And... 1621 01:09:00,842 --> 01:09:02,543 maybe when they're gone... 1622 01:09:04,045 --> 01:09:05,913 I'll finally have time to be with mine. 1623 01:09:06,014 --> 01:09:11,853 ALL: Aw... 1624 01:09:11,953 --> 01:09:13,286 -Does he mean us? -TREVOR: Yeah. 1625 01:09:13,387 --> 01:09:15,222 -I think he means us. -Oh, good. Okay. 1626 01:09:15,322 --> 01:09:16,824 Goodbye, Backpack. 1627 01:09:16,924 --> 01:09:19,226 -Bye. -Goodbye, Whisper. 1628 01:09:19,961 --> 01:09:22,429 SEWER BOY: Goodbye, Daddy. 1629 01:09:27,935 --> 01:09:29,637 Take care of yourselves. 1630 01:09:37,111 --> 01:09:40,280 Boys, I... I'm-I'm so sorry. 1631 01:09:41,248 --> 01:09:42,550 I was wrong. 1632 01:09:42,650 --> 01:09:43,851 And I was wrong. 1633 01:09:43,951 --> 01:09:45,586 BOTH: We were wrong, too. 1634 01:09:45,687 --> 01:09:47,220 -Mm. -Big hug? 1635 01:09:47,320 --> 01:09:48,556 -Oh, yeah. -Big hug. 1636 01:09:48,656 --> 01:09:49,957 -(HARRIS LAUGHING) -Family hug. 1637 01:09:50,058 --> 01:09:51,125 GOD: And so the twins 1638 01:09:51,224 --> 01:09:52,894 finally got the family 1639 01:09:52,994 --> 01:09:54,696 they never knew they wanted. 1640 01:09:56,363 --> 01:09:58,566 (SEWER FAMILY MUNCHING AND SLURPING) 1641 01:10:01,869 --> 01:10:03,604 GOD: They even decided to move in together, 1642 01:10:03,705 --> 01:10:06,774 to a little shitbox on the Lower East Side. 1643 01:10:06,874 --> 01:10:08,208 (BOTH SIGH) 1644 01:10:09,877 --> 01:10:11,411 (GROANING) 1645 01:10:13,047 --> 01:10:14,347 No. 1646 01:10:14,448 --> 01:10:15,950 No, I don't want... 1647 01:10:16,784 --> 01:10:17,852 Whatever. 1648 01:10:17,952 --> 01:10:19,921 No, not me. I can't. 1649 01:10:20,021 --> 01:10:21,956 (GASPING) 1650 01:10:22,056 --> 01:10:23,191 (BOTH SIGH) 1651 01:10:23,290 --> 01:10:25,760 -Craig, what's wrong? -Trevor, what's wrong? 1652 01:10:25,860 --> 01:10:27,494 I was having a nightmare. 1653 01:10:27,595 --> 01:10:29,731 -A nightmare I was gay. -Me, too. 1654 01:10:29,831 --> 01:10:32,265 I was having a gay nightmare, and I was gay in it. 1655 01:10:32,365 --> 01:10:34,736 Oh, come here. I got you. 1656 01:10:34,836 --> 01:10:37,138 -You're not gay. -You're not gay either. 1657 01:10:37,237 --> 01:10:38,606 I've got you. 1658 01:10:40,608 --> 01:10:41,776 (SIGHS) 1659 01:10:43,243 --> 01:10:44,444 -(SIGHS) -Oh. 1660 01:10:44,545 --> 01:10:46,814 -What is it? -I don't know. 1661 01:10:46,914 --> 01:10:50,084 I guess I just thought that if I got everything I ever wanted 1662 01:10:50,184 --> 01:10:52,019 -I'd somehow feel... -Complete? 1663 01:10:52,120 --> 01:10:54,387 Yeah, but I guess I still feel... 1664 01:10:54,488 --> 01:10:56,624 -Empty inside? -Yeah. 1665 01:10:56,724 --> 01:10:58,059 It's like I just wish there was... 1666 01:10:58,159 --> 01:10:59,292 Someone who has gone through 1667 01:10:59,392 --> 01:11:00,327 exactly what you've gone through 1668 01:11:00,427 --> 01:11:01,996 and know exactly how you feel? 1669 01:11:02,096 --> 01:11:03,865 Oh, my God, 1670 01:11:03,965 --> 01:11:05,566 I do have that person. 1671 01:11:05,666 --> 01:11:07,400 -That person is... -Me. 1672 01:11:07,501 --> 01:11:10,238 No. I was gonna say "you." 1673 01:11:10,337 --> 01:11:13,641 But, Trevor, when you say "you," 1674 01:11:13,741 --> 01:11:15,442 it means "me." 1675 01:11:16,644 --> 01:11:17,945 I... 1676 01:11:18,045 --> 01:11:19,747 I love you, Craig. 1677 01:11:21,281 --> 01:11:23,283 I love you, too, Trevor. 1678 01:11:23,383 --> 01:11:25,553 (GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING) 1679 01:11:32,760 --> 01:11:33,761 (SPITS) 1680 01:11:36,798 --> 01:11:37,765 (SPITS) 1681 01:11:39,499 --> 01:11:41,536 (BOTH MOANING) 1682 01:11:46,841 --> 01:11:49,342 (NESSUNO MI HA CAPITA BY ASHLEY FAATOALIA PLAYING) 1683 01:11:49,442 --> 01:11:51,378 -(GRUNTING) -Oh, yeah! 1684 01:11:51,846 --> 01:11:53,114 (GRUNTING) 1685 01:11:53,214 --> 01:11:54,849 (BOTH GRUNTING) 1686 01:11:56,584 --> 01:11:58,820 -(OBJECTS SHATTERING) -Aw, fuck! 1687 01:11:58,920 --> 01:12:01,388 Oh, yeah! Oh! 1688 01:12:01,488 --> 01:12:03,758 (NESSUNO MI HA CAPITA CONTINUES) 1689 01:12:07,795 --> 01:12:09,664 -(SONG ENDS) -(RHYTHMIC BANGING) 1690 01:12:09,764 --> 01:12:12,967 -(CRAIG AND TREVOR GRUNTING) -What the fuck? 1691 01:12:15,002 --> 01:12:16,938 (BOTH SIGH) 1692 01:12:17,038 --> 01:12:20,007 (BOTH LAUGHING) 1693 01:12:20,107 --> 01:12:22,342 -Oh, my God. -Oh, wow. 1694 01:12:22,442 --> 01:12:24,512 -(LAUGHS) -(MOANS) 1695 01:12:24,612 --> 01:12:27,447 -That was so hot. -That was so hot. 1696 01:12:27,548 --> 01:12:30,350 And easy. Everything made sense and was comfortable. 1697 01:12:30,450 --> 01:12:32,053 -Easy, easy. -(SIGHS) 1698 01:12:32,153 --> 01:12:34,055 -Anal's easy. -Anal is easy. 1699 01:12:34,155 --> 01:12:36,057 It takes no practice to learn. 1700 01:12:36,157 --> 01:12:37,291 I didn't douche. Did you douche? 1701 01:12:37,390 --> 01:12:39,260 I didn't. No. I don't know what douching is. 1702 01:12:39,392 --> 01:12:40,628 CRAIG: Yeah. 1703 01:12:42,063 --> 01:12:43,130 (TREVOR SIGHS) 1704 01:12:43,231 --> 01:12:44,665 CRAIG: So, then after cumming, 1705 01:12:44,765 --> 01:12:47,068 we laid there cuddling all night. 1706 01:12:47,168 --> 01:12:49,036 -It was beautiful. -I feel so lucky 1707 01:12:49,136 --> 01:12:51,906 to have found the only person in the whole world 1708 01:12:52,006 --> 01:12:54,075 who is as smart, awesome, 1709 01:12:54,175 --> 01:12:56,110 big-dicked, and smart as me. 1710 01:12:56,210 --> 01:12:57,645 And as fate would have it, 1711 01:12:57,745 --> 01:13:00,081 the person most like me 1712 01:13:00,181 --> 01:13:02,650 is my identical twin. Crazy. 1713 01:13:02,750 --> 01:13:04,384 -Crazy. -It's crazy. 1714 01:13:04,484 --> 01:13:06,120 -It's crazy. -Crazy. 1715 01:13:06,220 --> 01:13:07,387 -Babe, look at me. -Yeah? 1716 01:13:07,487 --> 01:13:09,857 -It's crazy. -I'm sorry, I just... 1717 01:13:09,957 --> 01:13:11,692 I find this so moving. 1718 01:13:12,459 --> 01:13:14,427 Okay, if anyone has any reason 1719 01:13:14,528 --> 01:13:16,429 this couple should not be wed, 1720 01:13:16,530 --> 01:13:18,398 speak now or forever hold your... 1721 01:13:18,498 --> 01:13:20,500 -(DOOR BANGS OPEN) -(OVERLAPPING SHOUTING) 1722 01:13:20,601 --> 01:13:22,703 (SHOUTING ANGRILY) 1723 01:13:24,005 --> 01:13:26,107 WOMAN: This is not what the Bible says. 1724 01:13:26,207 --> 01:13:27,708 What the fuck? 1725 01:13:27,808 --> 01:13:29,877 You do the math. This don't work. 1726 01:13:29,977 --> 01:13:33,314 Stop, stop, stop, you fucking assholes! 1727 01:13:33,413 --> 01:13:35,750 I command you. 1728 01:13:35,850 --> 01:13:39,186 -Why should we listen to you? -OTHERS: Yeah! 1729 01:13:39,287 --> 01:13:43,057 Because I am God! 1730 01:13:44,091 --> 01:13:45,059 (ALL GASPING) 1731 01:13:45,159 --> 01:13:47,161 (OVERLAPPING CHATTER) 1732 01:14:00,274 --> 01:14:03,077 Now listen and listen good, 1733 01:14:03,177 --> 01:14:04,412 you self-righteous, 1734 01:14:04,512 --> 01:14:06,781 -judgmental flops. -(GASPING) 1735 01:14:06,881 --> 01:14:09,482 Two twin brothers marrying each other, 1736 01:14:09,583 --> 01:14:11,352 it sounds like an abomination, 1737 01:14:11,451 --> 01:14:13,654 and yet, it's not. 1738 01:14:14,487 --> 01:14:17,658 Because love in all its forms, 1739 01:14:17,758 --> 01:14:21,595 is a divine thing given to you by me, 1740 01:14:21,696 --> 01:14:24,699 who, again, is God. 1741 01:14:24,799 --> 01:14:27,500 But, Father, they're fucking twins. 1742 01:14:27,601 --> 01:14:29,203 Is that Sister Tammy? 1743 01:14:29,737 --> 01:14:31,806 (SCOFFS) You shouldn't judge. 1744 01:14:31,906 --> 01:14:33,841 An apple a day keeps the doctor away, 1745 01:14:33,941 --> 01:14:36,877 -but cum ain't apples. -(MURMURING) 1746 01:14:36,978 --> 01:14:38,346 -Gross! -Who is? 1747 01:14:38,446 --> 01:14:39,780 They are. 1748 01:14:39,880 --> 01:14:41,882 I don't do any of that nasty stuff. 1749 01:14:41,983 --> 01:14:44,719 I only have procreative sex with my wife. 1750 01:14:44,819 --> 01:14:46,787 -WOMAN: Yeah! -Lights off, eyes closed, 1751 01:14:46,887 --> 01:14:48,656 just as you intended, my Lord. 1752 01:14:48,756 --> 01:14:51,959 Don't put that shit on me, Steve. 1753 01:14:52,059 --> 01:14:54,829 Fucked up men, Yes, men, 1754 01:14:54,929 --> 01:14:57,497 took my words and changed the meaning. 1755 01:14:57,598 --> 01:15:01,602 I mean, you sticking your sloppy hard wiener 1756 01:15:01,702 --> 01:15:04,405 into your wife's wet hole? 1757 01:15:04,505 --> 01:15:06,407 That's disgusting, too. 1758 01:15:06,507 --> 01:15:08,743 Well, goddamn, if he ain't right about that. 1759 01:15:08,843 --> 01:15:09,810 When he explained it like that, 1760 01:15:09,910 --> 01:15:10,911 -I got it. -I never thought of it 1761 01:15:11,012 --> 01:15:12,279 -in that way. -I mean, it makes sense. 1762 01:15:12,380 --> 01:15:14,615 Look at these twins. 1763 01:15:14,715 --> 01:15:17,551 They're vile. Misogynists. 1764 01:15:17,651 --> 01:15:19,286 (SCOFFS) Pigs. Perverts. 1765 01:15:19,387 --> 01:15:22,223 -Depraved little sex pests... -Okay, we get it, God. 1766 01:15:22,323 --> 01:15:23,891 Yeah, relax, God. 1767 01:15:24,692 --> 01:15:26,660 But they love themselves, 1768 01:15:26,761 --> 01:15:29,697 in every sense of the word. 1769 01:15:29,797 --> 01:15:32,233 That's why I brought them together, 1770 01:15:32,333 --> 01:15:34,001 to teach you 1771 01:15:34,101 --> 01:15:36,837 that all love is love. 1772 01:15:37,972 --> 01:15:40,875 Damn, this story ended up good. 1773 01:15:40,975 --> 01:15:45,146 Oh, fuck it, I'm putting this one in the Bible. 1774 01:15:45,246 --> 01:15:47,248 (ALL CHEERING) 1775 01:15:49,650 --> 01:15:51,118 Oh, Harris. 1776 01:15:52,420 --> 01:15:55,189 ♪ We share a love ♪ 1777 01:15:55,289 --> 01:15:58,259 ♪ That can't be ignored ♪ 1778 01:15:58,359 --> 01:16:00,761 ♪ A love sent to us ♪ 1779 01:16:00,861 --> 01:16:02,563 ♪ From our holy fucking Lord ♪ 1780 01:16:02,663 --> 01:16:04,298 This guy. (GIGGLES) 1781 01:16:04,398 --> 01:16:07,201 ♪ I have no pussy ♪ 1782 01:16:07,301 --> 01:16:10,304 ♪ And I'm straight and gay ♪ 1783 01:16:10,404 --> 01:16:12,807 BOTH: ♪ People may judge us ♪ 1784 01:16:12,907 --> 01:16:19,380 ♪ But this is what we'll say ♪ 1785 01:16:19,480 --> 01:16:22,349 ♪ All love is love ♪ 1786 01:16:22,450 --> 01:16:25,352 ♪ Even when it's ugly ♪ 1787 01:16:25,453 --> 01:16:28,255 ♪ All love is love ♪ 1788 01:16:28,355 --> 01:16:31,325 ♪ Even when it's wrong ♪ 1789 01:16:31,425 --> 01:16:33,861 ♪ All love is love ♪ 1790 01:16:33,961 --> 01:16:38,899 ♪ Like a woman who fucks men made out of sand ♪ 1791 01:16:38,999 --> 01:16:41,669 ♪ All love is gross ♪ 1792 01:16:41,769 --> 01:16:44,839 ♪ But all love is love ♪ 1793 01:16:44,939 --> 01:16:47,208 ♪ You are my brother ♪ 1794 01:16:47,308 --> 01:16:50,811 ♪ My family, my kin ♪ 1795 01:16:50,911 --> 01:16:53,447 ♪ We share a bond ♪ 1796 01:16:53,548 --> 01:16:56,717 ♪ That comes from deep within ♪ 1797 01:16:56,817 --> 01:16:58,752 ♪ But our love has grown ♪ 1798 01:16:58,853 --> 01:17:02,490 ♪ Now it's ancient and divine ♪ 1799 01:17:02,591 --> 01:17:05,025 ♪ We'll fuck each other's assholes ♪ 1800 01:17:05,126 --> 01:17:11,832 ♪ Till we can't tell yours from mine ♪ 1801 01:17:11,932 --> 01:17:14,835 ♪ All love is love ♪ 1802 01:17:14,935 --> 01:17:18,172 ♪ Even when it's ugly ♪ 1803 01:17:18,272 --> 01:17:20,741 ♪ All love is love ♪ 1804 01:17:20,841 --> 01:17:24,278 ♪ Even when it's wrong ♪ 1805 01:17:24,378 --> 01:17:26,113 ♪ All love is love ♪ 1806 01:17:26,213 --> 01:17:30,552 ♪ Like a man who gets a blow job from a horse ♪ 1807 01:17:30,651 --> 01:17:34,221 -Wow. -♪ All love is gross ♪ 1808 01:17:34,321 --> 01:17:37,258 ♪ But all love is love ♪ 1809 01:17:38,659 --> 01:17:40,027 -Oh! -Oh! 1810 01:17:40,127 --> 01:17:43,130 I now pronounce these twin brothers 1811 01:17:43,230 --> 01:17:44,431 legally married. 1812 01:17:44,533 --> 01:17:46,967 (ALL CHEERING) 1813 01:17:48,202 --> 01:17:49,170 (CHUCKLES) 1814 01:17:49,270 --> 01:17:51,438 That's got to be a first. That's got to be a first. 1815 01:17:52,306 --> 01:17:53,974 God loves all of you 1816 01:17:54,074 --> 01:17:56,410 because God is all of you. 1817 01:17:57,244 --> 01:17:59,346 God is man and woman. 1818 01:17:59,446 --> 01:18:01,849 God is Black and white. 1819 01:18:01,949 --> 01:18:04,151 God is straight and gay. 1820 01:18:04,251 --> 01:18:06,555 What, hold on, what? You're gay? 1821 01:18:06,655 --> 01:18:07,955 -GOD: Yeah, obviously... -(ALL GASP) 1822 01:18:08,055 --> 01:18:09,890 ...amongst other things, but my point is that... 1823 01:18:09,990 --> 01:18:12,159 No, totally, we hear you. God is gay. 1824 01:18:13,794 --> 01:18:18,499 ♪ All love is love All love is love ♪ 1825 01:18:18,600 --> 01:18:20,801 ♪ God is a faggot ♪ 1826 01:18:20,901 --> 01:18:22,436 ♪ And all love is love ♪ 1827 01:18:22,537 --> 01:18:23,672 That's not exactly my point. 1828 01:18:23,771 --> 01:18:28,275 ♪ All love is love All love is love ♪ 1829 01:18:28,375 --> 01:18:33,214 ♪ God is a faggot and all love is love ♪ 1830 01:18:33,314 --> 01:18:37,952 ♪ All love is love All love is love ♪ 1831 01:18:38,052 --> 01:18:42,323 ♪ God is a faggot and all love is love ♪ 1832 01:18:42,423 --> 01:18:43,457 Everybody! 1833 01:18:43,558 --> 01:18:44,725 (ALL SINGING) 1834 01:18:44,825 --> 01:18:46,060 Sing along! 1835 01:18:47,361 --> 01:18:48,362 Can't hear you. 1836 01:18:49,631 --> 01:18:51,031 TREVOR AND CRAIG: You're a bigot! 1837 01:18:52,866 --> 01:18:54,935 -♪ All love is love ♪ -That's what I said. 1838 01:18:55,035 --> 01:18:56,870 -♪ All love is love ♪ -GOD: Even incest. 1839 01:18:56,971 --> 01:18:58,872 -♪ All love is love ♪ -GOD: Love a fruit. 1840 01:18:58,973 --> 01:19:00,007 ♪ All love is love ♪ 1841 01:19:00,107 --> 01:19:02,042 -Hallelujah! -♪ All love is love ♪ 1842 01:19:02,142 --> 01:19:03,944 -♪ All love is love ♪ -♪ All love is love ♪ 1843 01:19:04,044 --> 01:19:05,112 ♪ All love is love ♪ 1844 01:19:05,212 --> 01:19:06,947 -♪ All love is love ♪ -♪ Oh ♪ 1845 01:19:07,047 --> 01:19:09,016 -♪ All love is love ♪ -♪ God is a faggot ♪ 1846 01:19:09,116 --> 01:19:11,118 -♪ All love is love ♪ -♪ Sing God is a faggot ♪ 1847 01:19:11,218 --> 01:19:13,688 -♪ All love is love ♪ -♪ Oh, God is a faggot ♪ 1848 01:19:13,787 --> 01:19:14,822 -♪ All love is love ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪ 1849 01:19:14,922 --> 01:19:16,390 ♪ All love is love ♪ 1850 01:19:16,490 --> 01:19:17,659 Yay, yeah! 1851 01:19:17,758 --> 01:19:19,793 (BOTH SINGING) 1852 01:19:23,665 --> 01:19:25,266 Check out the New New Testament. 1853 01:19:25,366 --> 01:19:26,735 Coming this Christmas. 1854 01:19:26,834 --> 01:19:29,604 -(ALL CHEERING) -♪ And all love 1855 01:19:29,704 --> 01:19:32,707 ♪ Is love ♪ 1856 01:19:32,806 --> 01:19:35,009 (CARRYING NOTE) 1857 01:19:40,615 --> 01:19:41,616 (MUSIC ENDS) 1858 01:19:41,716 --> 01:19:44,485 The end. 1859 01:19:44,586 --> 01:19:46,554 (LAUGHING) 1860 01:19:46,655 --> 01:19:48,822 (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING) 1861 01:19:50,759 --> 01:19:51,726 (GASPS) 1862 01:19:51,825 --> 01:19:53,494 -Surprise! -Surprise! 1863 01:19:53,595 --> 01:19:55,530 Oh, I looked right into camera. 1864 01:20:00,735 --> 01:20:01,902 (LAUGHING) 1865 01:20:04,572 --> 01:20:06,541 It doesn't really go in there. 1866 01:20:06,641 --> 01:20:08,475 (MAN SPEAKING) 1867 01:20:08,576 --> 01:20:10,010 -Spit it? -MAN: Yeah. 1868 01:20:16,216 --> 01:20:17,519 (LAUGHTER) 1869 01:20:20,487 --> 01:20:22,156 Yes, we can. 1870 01:20:27,961 --> 01:20:29,764 (NATHAN LANE LAUGHING) 1871 01:20:29,863 --> 01:20:32,399 Uh, whatever. Y'all fucked up. 1872 01:20:33,834 --> 01:20:35,537 (LAUGHING) 1873 01:20:35,637 --> 01:20:38,807 Kids, listen, we love you, but 1874 01:20:38,906 --> 01:20:43,477 we will never... get married. 1875 01:20:43,578 --> 01:20:45,312 (LAUGHING) 1876 01:20:45,412 --> 01:20:46,480 BOTH: Mom? 1877 01:20:52,186 --> 01:20:54,254 Let's go home and discuss it, eh? 1878 01:20:54,355 --> 01:20:56,691 Let's go home and get in the bed 1879 01:20:56,791 --> 01:20:58,459 and discuss it in my puss. 1880 01:20:58,560 --> 01:20:59,594 (LAUGHS) 1881 01:21:02,363 --> 01:21:04,833 CRAIG: ...if you do what we want and get married. 1882 01:21:04,932 --> 01:21:07,134 -(GROANS) -Oh, for fuck's sake. 1883 01:21:07,234 --> 01:21:08,369 Eat me. 1884 01:21:08,469 --> 01:21:10,304 (LAUGHING) 1885 01:21:13,006 --> 01:21:14,942 Tiddles. Titties. Craig. 1886 01:21:15,042 --> 01:21:17,277 Trevor Brock. My two top salesmen. 1887 01:21:17,378 --> 01:21:19,647 I feel like it says "Titties." I keep forgetting. 1888 01:21:19,748 --> 01:21:21,081 (LAUGHTER) 1889 01:21:25,687 --> 01:21:27,054 (GASPS) 1890 01:21:32,426 --> 01:21:35,896 Of all the humiliations I've had in show business, 1891 01:21:35,996 --> 01:21:37,331 and they are legion, 1892 01:21:37,431 --> 01:21:40,134 this may be the most humiliating moment... 1893 01:21:40,234 --> 01:21:42,403 -(LAUGHTER) -...I've ever had. 1894 01:21:42,503 --> 01:21:44,204 (MAN SPEAKING) 1895 01:21:44,304 --> 01:21:45,472 (COUGHS) 1896 01:21:48,510 --> 01:21:50,244 (JOSH SHARP SPEAKING) 1897 01:21:50,344 --> 01:21:52,647 -(AARON JACKSON SPEAKING) -(LAUGHS) 1898 01:21:52,747 --> 01:21:54,081 MAN: Set. 1899 01:21:55,617 --> 01:21:57,217 My prize pig. 1900 01:21:57,317 --> 01:21:58,653 CRAIG: I wanna be a prize pig. 1901 01:21:58,753 --> 01:21:59,920 Hey, baby, 1902 01:22:00,020 --> 01:22:02,891 you could be a prize pig in my bed when I fuck you. 1903 01:22:02,990 --> 01:22:04,592 (LAUGHTER) 1904 01:22:08,663 --> 01:22:10,632 -Okay. -(LAUGHTER) 1905 01:22:12,399 --> 01:22:13,934 Oh, my God. 1906 01:22:15,068 --> 01:22:17,404 Oh, my God. 1907 01:22:17,504 --> 01:22:21,308 I am the lady, the bitch, the boss, rich... 1908 01:22:21,408 --> 01:22:23,043 Don't put a gender on my title. 1909 01:22:23,143 --> 01:22:24,846 Yeah, and, lady, I'm Craig, so... 1910 01:22:24,945 --> 01:22:27,080 Lady? Yes, um, well... 1911 01:22:27,181 --> 01:22:28,850 I forgot what the fuck I was supposed to say. 1912 01:22:28,949 --> 01:22:30,919 (LAUGHTER) 1913 01:22:31,018 --> 01:22:32,620 Oh, this time, let's improvise. 1914 01:22:32,720 --> 01:22:34,689 -(LAUGHTER) -Oh, God, no. 1915 01:22:34,789 --> 01:22:36,356 That's-that's bad. 1916 01:22:36,457 --> 01:22:38,760 'Cause then it's just a lot of potty talk. 1917 01:22:38,860 --> 01:22:40,829 -Mom! -Dad! 1918 01:22:40,929 --> 01:22:42,530 -Dad? -Mommy! 1919 01:22:42,630 --> 01:22:43,598 MAN: Cut! 1920 01:22:45,299 --> 01:22:47,167 I hope he's a big macho guy like me. 1921 01:22:47,267 --> 01:22:50,103 Um, yeah, listen, I would love to talk about that, obviously, 1922 01:22:50,204 --> 01:22:52,507 but this is actually Mom's house, so I got to go now. 1923 01:22:52,607 --> 01:22:53,608 Oh, God! 1924 01:22:53,708 --> 01:22:55,643 (LAUGHING) 1925 01:22:55,743 --> 01:22:57,779 Okay, bye-bye. (LAUGHS) 1926 01:22:57,879 --> 01:22:59,012 MAN: Yeah, that's good, but I think 1927 01:22:59,112 --> 01:23:01,181 also maybe a little more open-handed, if possible. 1928 01:23:01,281 --> 01:23:02,382 -Okay. -MAN: Yeah, like that. 1929 01:23:02,483 --> 01:23:03,952 -That's good. Okay, good. -Yeah. Oh, God. 1930 01:23:04,051 --> 01:23:05,152 -MAN: Thank you. -Oh, God. 1931 01:23:05,252 --> 01:23:06,521 -Ugh. God... -MAN: Oh, God. 1932 01:23:06,621 --> 01:23:07,856 Open-handed pussy. 1933 01:23:07,956 --> 01:23:10,123 (BOTH LAUGHING) 1934 01:23:13,093 --> 01:23:15,062 -(CRIES OUT) -(LAUGHING) 1935 01:23:15,162 --> 01:23:17,632 -Hop on. -(GRUNTS) 1936 01:23:17,732 --> 01:23:18,967 Yeah, get right under here, 1937 01:23:19,066 --> 01:23:20,635 -you'll feel much better. -Okay. 1938 01:23:20,735 --> 01:23:22,102 EVELYN: Oh. Oh. HARRIS: Oh! 1939 01:23:22,202 --> 01:23:23,437 (EVELYN SPEAKING) 1940 01:23:25,573 --> 01:23:27,441 Shh. 1941 01:23:32,514 --> 01:23:34,983 Shh. 1942 01:23:35,082 --> 01:23:36,918 -♪ I loved a girl some... ♪ -Shh. (LAUGHS) 1943 01:23:37,017 --> 01:23:37,952 (LAUGHS) 1944 01:23:38,051 --> 01:23:40,688 (UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) 1945 01:23:40,788 --> 01:23:43,725 Single-parent families are not homes, that's true. 1946 01:23:43,825 --> 01:23:46,193 Single-parent homes are not families, that's true. 1947 01:23:46,293 --> 01:23:49,463 Single-parent families are not homes, that's true. Fuck! 1948 01:23:51,766 --> 01:23:53,133 (LAUGHING) 1949 01:23:53,233 --> 01:23:56,771 That's-that's my other autobiography title. 1950 01:23:56,871 --> 01:23:58,873 -(LAUGHTER) -"Fresh bag of ham." 1951 01:23:58,973 --> 01:24:02,544 No! No! 1952 01:24:02,644 --> 01:24:04,512 No! (COUGHS) 1953 01:24:05,379 --> 01:24:08,048 Surprise, I'm in this movie. 1954 01:24:08,148 --> 01:24:09,984 (LAUGHTER) 1955 01:24:10,083 --> 01:24:13,855 ♪ I do want ♪ 1956 01:24:13,955 --> 01:24:16,423 ♪ More... ♪ 1957 01:24:16,524 --> 01:24:19,861 (CLEARS THROAT) Sorry. Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 1958 01:24:19,961 --> 01:24:21,729 And cut. 1959 01:24:21,829 --> 01:24:23,330 (MUSIC CONTINUES) 1960 01:25:49,282 --> 01:25:53,253 ♪ It's a gay old life ♪ 1961 01:25:53,353 --> 01:25:58,893 -♪ Being queer ♪ -♪ I have no pussy ♪ 1962 01:25:58,993 --> 01:26:01,129 (APPLAUSE AND CHEERING) 144050