All language subtitles for Columbo - 09x03 - Agenda for Murder.DVDRip.English.HI.updated.Addic7ed.com

NARRATOR: Tonight, on Columbo.

President Paul Mackey.

Attorney General Oscar Finch.

And you and your buddy are
dead ducks in Washington.

MACKEY: You killed him?
FINCH: He was
extorting me.

Lieutenant Columbo,
with the police.

SERGEANT: All signs, suicide.

COLUMBO: Mr. Staplin
was murdered.

We're looking
for a cold-blooded
killer now.

I think you did it, sir.

I thought we had
a nice relationship going.

Well, nothing's perfect.

I wouldn't perjure myself
for Mr. Oscar Finch.

Poppycock.

RADIO ANNOUNCER:
... the freeway just
before Magic Mountain,

over a mile backup there.
Paramedics are at the scene.

Weather-wise, hardly
a cloud in the sky.

Temperatures at Civic Center,
76, but don't let
that fool you.

Our weatherman warns
that the storm moving
in from the northwest

should hit sometime
this evening.

Umbrella time, folks.
Keep 'em handy.

On the political front,
the hot topic is
the guessing game

as to who Governor Montgomery
will pick as his
presidential running mate.

No word from the governor,
who continues the careful
weighing of options

that has been his style
since the beginning
of the campaign.

From campaign headquarters
at the Biltmore Hotel,

a spokesman indicated
we should not expect
an announcement

before primary night,
now only four days away.

Reflecting speculation
across the country,

polls conducted
by the L.A. Times

and among our listeners
show the front-runner
for the VP spot

to be our own popular
Congressman, Paul Mackey.

In sports...

MACKEY: How do I look?
FINCH: Terrific.

(CELL PHONE DIALING)

Neil Axton, please.
Oscar Finch calling.

San Francisco's our
Achilles' heel, Oscar.

That's why we're
about to buy baby
a new pair of shoes.

Hello, Neil.
This is Oscar.
How are you?

Glad to hear it.
Oh, I'm just fine, thanks.

Paul Mackey and I are on
our way to the Biltmore,

and things are
looking pretty good
for the primary,

apart from San Francisco,

which is a bit slow.

We need some help there,
fast. Mmm-hmm.

How about 750,000?

(SCOFFS) A lot of money
to whom, Neil?

Just tell our mutual friend
that he won't be forgotten

when the governor wins.

Montgomery likes oil wells
on the horizon.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

You ready?
Do I look ready?

Winners are always ready.

When this is a done deal,

I'm gonna buy you
the best frozen yogurt
in town,

and you can pick
your own topping.

(CHUCKLES)
I'm nervous
as hell, Oscar.

That's good.
It gives you an edge.

Besides, he's
not a dentist,

just the next president
of the United States.

(SIGHS)

Good morning,
Congressman.

Paul.

Paul, good
to see you.

Tim, how are you?
Great, just fine,
thank you.

I don't think
you've met
Oscar Finch.

No. It's about
time, sir.

It's a pleasure, truly.
Thank you.

Do you mind waiting
a few minutes?

The governor is
anxious to meet you.

FINCH: I'd like that.
Terrific.

All right if I use
one of your phones?

Be our guest.
Congressman,
this way please.

Jim.
Congressman Mackey.

Thanks for coming on
such short notice, Paul.

My pleasure, Governor.

Have some coffee?
No, thanks.

Tim?
No, no. I'm fine,
thank you.

Sit down, sit down.
Relax, both of you.

Thank you.

You're looking
good, Paul.
Never felt better.

Family?
Just great.

Cynthia's like my right arm.
She thrives on campaigning.

My wife's the same.

(CHUCKLES)
We got lucky, huh?

That was some speech
you delivered last week.

Wish I'd been there
to watch those
chicken hearts squirm.

Well, sir, I had
an opportunity to address
some of the issues.

Thousands of homeless people
in everybody's hometown.

We're selling off
the United States.

A piece here, a piece there.
What's next?

General Electric?
Ford Motor Company?

If we don't take
positive action,
Governor,

these United States
of America will be
up for grabs.

And I sincerely
believe it's time

the American people
know what's going on.

Amen to that.
TIM: I heard you
actually had

some of those boys
out of their seats
and cheering.

MACKEY: Well, Tim,
nobody slept through it,
that's for sure.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Yes, sir, a mighty
fine speech.

Now, tell the truth,
Paul. Did you write
it yourself?

(LAUGHS)

I'm just pulling
your leg.

(MACKEY CHUCKLING)
You get to know
me after a while,

you'll know how
I tend to do that
every so often.

Right, Tim?
TIM: Yes, sir.

Of course you wrote
it yourself. I know
you wrote it yourself,

just like you write
all your speeches yourself.

If I thought otherwise,
Congressman,

I wouldn't be here
talking to you,

because I wouldn't
know who I was
talking to, right?

Now, how about we cut
to the chase, gentlemen?

We've all heard
the rumors in which

your name has been
connected with mine, Paul.

We've read
The Washington Post
and The New York Times.

Now I want to make
it formal.
Congressman Mackey, sir,

I'd like you
to start giving
some serious thought

to joining me
in a most noble effort,

that is,
as my running mate

in an all-out,
no-holds-barred,

winner-take-all race

for the presidency
of the United States.

Montgomery and Mackey.
How's that sound to you,
Congressman?

Governor, it sounds
to me like
a winning ticket.

(DOOR OPENS)

TIM: Mr. Finch,
the governor will
see you now.

Later.

Let me be the first
to congratulate you,
Mr. Finch.

Your old buddy
Paul and I are
about to embark

on a hell
of an exciting journey.

And you had a lot
to do with making
that possible.

I'm in your debt,
Mr. Finch.

My pleasure, sir.

A chance to do
the things that need
to be done.

You think I can make it?
FINCH: You're
halfway there, already.

I want you
with me, Oscar.
Every step.

President Paul Mackey.

Attorney General Oscar Finch.

I like the sound of that.

I like the echoes.

(CHUCKLES)

Cynthia did
a nice job, hmm?

Yeah, Paul found himself
a great hostess.

Essential to
a successful career.

Only reason
I married you.

Oh, don't tell me.

(PHONE RINGING)

Darling. Will
you get it?
Yeah, I know.

Got it.

Hello.

Frank.

Frank, I told you
not to bother me again.

There's nothing
I can do for you.

I advised you
who to get.

They're the smartest
guys in town.

They'll do the best
with what they've got.

(STAMMERS) Never mind
about them not being
in my league.

I'm all through being
your problem solver.

That's over.
That's history.

Frank. Frank.

I am not going
to talk anymore
about this on the phone.

Fine. Where are you?

Who's with you?

All right, give me
half an hour, 45 minutes.

Yeah. I'll see you.

Honey?

I gotta go out.

It's nearly midnight.

Big contributor.
I've been trying to nail
this guy for months.

He sounds as though
he's had a couple
of drinks.

Tonight could be the night.
His checkbook's itching.

When are we ever
gonna get a break?

Soon as Montgomery
wins California,
we'll take a trip.

Shopping?
A little something
for the inaugural.

Get your beauty sleep.

Good luck, darling.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(CHUCKLING)

(BEEPS)

(FAX MACHINE WHIRRING)

(DOORBELL CHIMING)

How you doing, Oscar?

Let's just get it
over with, Frank.

You walked?
You bet I did.

FINCH: From my office.
I can use the exercise.

Besides, the last thing
I want is

for someone to see
my car in your driveway.

Our privacy's as
good as gold, Oscar.

As I told you,
Susan's in Hawaii,

and the housekeeper
has the week off,

so no one will
ever have to know

that Oscar Finch dirtied
his shoes on
Frank Staplin's carpets.

They're only the best.

Step right in.

How about you get
out of that coat?

You'll bake in here.

Toss it anywhere.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, can I get
you a drink?

No, thanks. I'm fine.

I can't. Doctor's orders.
I'm down to this.

I made myself
a little snack.

Here, have a nibble.

What gives, Frank?

I am in real trouble, Oscar.

(LAUGHING)
So, what else is new?

Only this time,
it's a little bit
more serious

than anything I've
ever had to handle.

You worried about
five years in jail, Frank?

Is that it?
With good behavior,
call it 30 months.

No sweat, Frank.

Oh, it's not me
so much as Susan.

I don't care for her
to have to face
the shame of it.

I need a favor, Oscar.

Forget it.

One document.

The DA's case
goes right out
of the window

if he doesn't get
his hands on
one lousy document.

Then don't let
him have it.

It'll be on his desk
in a couple of days.

Well, then, I'll see you
in five years, Frank.

(LAUGHS) I'd like
to do this civilized.

There is nothing to do.

One document
in the nearest
shredder, Oscar.

You have friends
in the right places.

They owe you favors.

That's your game.
Forget it.

(CHUCKLING) We've got
a history. We've been
down this road before.

Twenty-one years
before, Frank.
Times change.

I'll see that you
have any amount.

Cash that can't be traced.
Swiss cash.

I'm asking you
nicely, Oscar.

You don't get it, Frank.

I have a family.
I have a great,
big career.

I have a future like
you wouldn't believe.

There's no way
I'm going
to risk any of that.

How's your buddy,
the congressman?

The word is he's going
to be Montgomery's boy.

You go way back.

Wasn't he working
in the DA's office

when you did me
that favor a long time ago?

Your boy in the White House,
maybe, huh?

(CLICKS TONGUE)
Nice cabinet post
for Oscar Finch, perhaps?

Is that the big future?

That's not a nice
way to talk, Frank.

If I go down
five years,

six months,
one day, Oscar,

I'm not gonna be
too happy with the man
that let it happen.

Happy or sad, Frank,

you can't prove
a damn thing.

(LAUGHS) Who needs
proof anymore?

You know politics
these days.

I only have
to mention your name

and a certain little
incident that happened
back in 1969

and you and your buddy are
dead ducks in Washington.

(LAUGHING)
Think it over, Oscar.

(GUN FIRES)

(FRANK GROANS)

(PHONE RINGING)

OFFICER 1: Okay,
we sent them out.
OFFICER 2: Two more
black and whites.

Right.

(MEN CHATTERING)

(POLICE RADIO CHATTERING)

You okay, Mickey?
Doing fine, Sarge.

SERGEANT: Jack, you're
wanted outside.
George, is that the shell?

Yeah, that's it.
COLUMBO: Hey, Sarge.

Yeah?

Yes, sir?

You know anything
about these things?
What things?

This thing here.
I think it's what
they call a fax machine.

A what?
Fax machine.

Know anything
about them?

Never even been
near one.

Well, me neither.

MAN: Let's go.

MAN: Here we go.

Okay, Sergeant,
what do you got?

Deceased's wife,
Mrs. Susan Staplin,

she was in Hawaii
on vacation.

Right. Now,
I think I heard
somebody say

she's on her way back?

Yes, sir.
All right.

Called husband
approximately
10:30 p.m.

Fellas,
could I have it
for a minute?

Come on, guys,
let's give it over
to the lieutenant.

MAN: Yeah,
let's wrap.
Come on, come on.

Let's keep them quiet
out there, huh, George?
Thank you.

Okay, called husband
approximately 10:30 p.m.,
Hawaii time.

No answer.
She called again later.

No answer. Got...

Lieutenant?
COLUMBO:
Keep going, Sergeant.

I'm listening.
Got what?

Got worried.
Called security company.

They sent guy over.
Officer Rodriguez.

Saw lights in house.
No response. Made entry.

Found victim.

911 got called
at 4:21 a.m.

(SNIFFING)

(EXCLAIMS)

It's Reggiano.

What's the matter?

That cheese, Sergeant,
that's Italian.

That, Sergeant,
is the greatest.

My father loved
his Reggiano.

Oh, we gotta have
a taste of that.

This stuff has got
to be checked out, sir.

No, no, no, we're not
going to touch anything
that's been used.

No, no.

Wait till you get
a load of this.

And this is expensive, too.

You know, a piece
like this here,
that's $10.

Get a taste of that.
No, thank you.

Oh, you gotta try it.

You just gotta taste it.

(EXCLAIMS)

How about that?

It's different.

It happens to be
especially good.

Make sure the boys
put that aside when
they're done with it,

'cause that's
gonna travel.

Okay, now the 911
came in at 4:21 a.m.

Yes, sir.

Victim expired
of head wound.

.32 automatic.

Weapon at scene.

No signs forced entry.
No signs robbery.

All signs, suicide.

Looks like it.

What else, Lieutenant?

You read
this paper clipping?

The guy was
about to get nailed.

Anybody here who knows
how to work that machine?

You mean that thing
back there?

The fax.
I guess the deceased's
secretary would.

She's out here someplace.

Christy. Rebecca Christy.

Was she here last night?

No, sir. Mrs. Staplin
gave her address
to the security people.

She was brought over
from Westwood
to ID the body.

She's pretty upset.

Uh-huh.

Not a nice way
to begin the day,
having to identify a body.

There's only one thing
that bothers me, Sergeant.

What's that?

The gun.

See what you think.

You notice anything?

What?

A man shoots himself
in the head,

the body slumps,
arm falls, the gun drops.

COLUMBO: Now he bleeds
on the floor.

Why do you suppose
that all the blood
is under the gun,

and there is no blood
on top of the gun?

It's under, all right.

Could I borrow
your handkerchief?

Well, what do you
know about that?

What?
You see any blood
on that side of the gun?

Nothing.

That's what's bothering me.

If the gun fell
on the blood,
as it seems,

why didn't any of it stick
to the underside of the gun?

Doesn't make sense.

Unless the blood
had already dried.

Wait a minute.

How could a guy
kill himself,
then all that time later,

after, when it dries,
he drops the gun?

Good point, Sarge.
You hit it the first time.

Like you said,
the blood couldn't dry
right away, could it?

So what I'm trying
to figure out is,

why did it take so long
before the gun fell?

Have the guys find out
the drying time

for that amount of blood
in a room like this
and on a floor like this.

Have forensic back here.
Check it out some more.

Good as done, sir.
George! George!

(GROANING)

GEORGE: Yo! Coming...
I better check out Mrs...

Guys, wanna
get back in here?

...that secretary.
What's the secretary's name?

Christy. Rebecca Christy.

I gotta start writing
these things down.

SERGEANT: Could I have
my handkerchief?

Yeah.

Don't forget, have them
wrap up that cheese careful.

Real careful.

All through with
the stiff, Lieutenant?
Can we take him out?

Take it away.
MAN: Under the desk.

Hey, would you
move that?

Miss?

Ma'am, I'm
Lieutenant Columbo.

I'm with the Los Angeles
Police Department.

How do you do?

I know this is a bad time.

I'm really sorry
to have to bother you.

It's all right.

It's too bad
about Mr. Staplin.

Yes. He was so kind.

I wonder you could
help me out.

None of our boys, they...

They don't seem to know
anything about that machine
that's in your office.

The fax machine.

Do you want me
to send a letter?

Oh, no, no, no.

No, nothing like that, no.

I just would like it
if you could show me
how it works.

I'd appreciate that.

Then I'll see to it
that you're driven home.

All these newfangled gadgets
they come out with.

They make me nervous.

Now, my wife, last year
she got a home computer.

She loves it.
Me, I never go near it.

Sit down here, ma'am.

I think we were
the last people
on the block

to get an electric
garage opener.

Now, you can send
a letter on this machine?

Yes. Any number of pages.

What makes it go?

You dial in a number,
just like a telephone.

Press start.
That's all.

And you can send it anywhere?

Anywhere that has
a fax machine.
Anywhere in the world.

Anywhere in the world.
And how long does it take?

Seconds.

You mean just by dialing,
like, a phone number,

that letter will come out
across the street,

or on the other side
of the world in seconds?

It's not the same letter,
it's an exact copy
of that letter.

A facsimile.

A facsimile.

A fax.

Now I'm getting
the hang of this thing.

Okay.

Let me ask you this.

There is a page of a letter

hanging out of the bottom
of this machine.

What's that?

It's the last page
that was sent through.

CHRISTY: Usually,
it's removed. Do you want
this left here?

Please, for now, ma'am.

Did you send that letter,
Miss Christy?

No.

COLUMBO: Do you recognize
that handwriting?

It's Mr. Staplin's.

Did he know how
to use this machine?

He used it frequently.

Is there any way
that you could determine what
time this letter was sent?

Yes. But I'll have
to remove the page first.

Oh, let me do that, ma'am.

Susan?

Would that be Mrs. Staplin?

Yes.

Uh-huh.

(BEEPING)

The last transmission
was logged at 12:27 a.m.

A one-page document
that took 14 seconds to send.

Excuse me, ma'am,
a one-page document?

But I see a second page
to the letter here.

That's also
in Mr. Staplin's handwriting.

Would that mean
that there was
a two-page letter,

but only one page was sent?

I guess.

It was faxed to this number.

Isn't that the area code
for Hawaii?

It's the fax number
of the hotel where
Mrs. Staplin was staying.

Isn't that remarkable?

A letter sent 2,500 miles
across the Pacific

in 14 seconds.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

I don't mean to burden you,
Miss Christy,

but could you come
into Mr. Staplin's office
for just a minute?

You know, when
I saw the telephone
on Mr. Staplin's desk,

I almost got dizzy.

I mean,
that's some device.

There's got to be
30 buttons there.

And that's not including
the ones that you dial with.

Would you bag this, please?

Yes, sir.

Yes, it's
a sophisticated instrument.

Yeah, it sure is.

It can memorize
100 phone numbers
for speed-dialing.

There's conference
calling, of course.

Date and time.
An appointment
reminder program,

speaker phone,
last number redial...

That's the one
I want to know about.

That's the one feature
I heard something about.

Now, how would you
work that feature?

You just press this button.
The one that says redial.

MAN 1: I could use some
help over here.

That's it?

Uh-huh.

It's embarrassing.

Excuse me, are you
finished with the phone?

MAN 2: We're all done,
Lieutenant.

Thank you.

Just push this button here...

And the phone will
automatically redial
the last number called.

(DIALING)

(RINGING)

WOMAN: Good morning,
Finch residence.
May I help you?

My housekeeper says
you're from the police.

Lieutenant Columbo, ma'am.

I...

I apologized to the lady
who answered the door already,

when she told me you were
having breakfast, ma'am,

and now I would like
to say to you personally
how sorry I am...

What can I do
for you, Lieutenant?

I just have a few
questions, ma'am.

We're investigating
a matter concerning
a man named Frank Staplin.

Is that a name that's
familiar to you, ma'am?

No, should it be?

Well, we have reason
to believe that Mr. Staplin
called here last night.

That call came in,

according to
the phone company,
at 11:46 p.m.

Were you home
at that time, ma'am?

My husband and I had
just come from dinner.

There was a phone call,
yes, but Oscar took it,

and I really don't know
who it was from.

It was a very
short call, ma'am.

Don't you think it would
be best if you spoke
with my husband?

That is, if it's
really essential.

I think I do have
to speak to him, ma'am,

if it's not
disturbing him too much.

(CHUCKLING)
He's not home.

Another early bird.
He's long gone
to a breakfast appointment.

Where's the best place
that I could reach him,
ma'am?

I really don't know.
He's a very busy man.

Perhaps you should
make an appointment.

(PHONE RINGING)

Don't you dare.
Was it you?

I beg your pardon, ma'am?

Don't you dare
light that cigar.

Were you in here last night
with one of those?

Oh, no, ma'am,
it wasn't me.

And you have
my word of honor
I'm not gonna light it.

As a matter of fact,
ma'am, I've never been
in these offices before.

They're very nice.
Very nicely done.

RECEPTIONIST:
Mr. Finch's office.
I'm sorry, he's not available.

I apologize, Lieutenant.

I'm a little bit
sensitive this morning.

No need to apologize, ma'am.

This putrid atmosphere
left here last night
by someone so inconsiderate...

They smoked a foul-smelling
cigar in Mr. Finch's office

without once taking
into account that
the air conditioning

in this building is
turned off in the evenings.

Yes, ma'am.

(SIGHING)
How can I help you?

If it's possible, I'd like
a word with Mr. Finch.

Well, he should be here
momentarily, Lieutenant,
if you'd like to take a seat.

Thank you very much, ma'am.

You know, it's strange.
When I first came in here,

I began wondering
what was the one thing here
that reminded me of home.

Maybe it was the aroma.

(CHUCKLES)

Louise, who parked
that decomposing
rattletrap in my space?

I'm sure I don't know.

FINCH: Get on the phone
and have it towed out of here.

LOUISE: Perhaps it is...
FINCH: We've got a busy
morning ahead of us.

There's a new client,
and someone from the police
will be around to see me.

Fit him in some time
late this afternoon
if you can.

Would that be a silver
Peugeot convertible, sir?

Who said that?

I did.

And who might you be?

I'm the police.

That oxidized relic is yours?

Well, it gets me
from here to there, sir.

I'm sorry, I had no idea
it was your spot.

With you in a moment,
Lieutenant.

Come in, Louise.

(CLEARING THROAT)
Here are the notes
from the Thompson breakfast.

Put him down next Monday.
Same time, same place.

What time am I due
at the Biltmore?

Twenty minutes, sir.
All right.

Well, call
the functions manager
and have him collect

the new dignitaries list
from the governor's suite,

and I'll meet with him
in the ballroom.

Now, here's the new client
here, Dr. Menton.

Put him down
for 10:15 at the house.

Call and confirm.
Then court, right?
Two cases?

Yes, sir.
Kinsale and Fleming.

They'll be a breeze,
both of them.

Then after that,
lunch with Congressman Mackey,

and the afternoon
free for the governor's
campaign manager.

Have Haines call me
on the car phone.
Confirm the itinerary.

Is that all?

Yes, sir. There are
a few messages.
Nothing urgent.

Good. Thanks, Louise.

Now, Lieutenant,

you're here
to talk to me about the death
of Frank Staplin.

And I can give you
just five minutes.

You astonish me, sir.

I don't see why.
I'm familiar with procedure.

At approximately a quarter
of 12:00 last night,

I received a call
from Mr. Staplin.

I understand from
the news this morning

that he died
during the night,

which regrettably means
that one of the last calls

he made
in his life was to me.

As soon as I heard the news,

I realized that
although his death was
being called a suicide,

it was of a violent nature,
that is, by gunshot.

And part of the standard
procedure of investigation

would certainly
include interviews

with the last persons
the victim saw or spoke to.

I also know that
the phone company
will have supplied you

with a list
of his final calls,

and that my number would be
among them someplace.

In what order,
I can't say.

And if he called
from his house,

you would have
a record of that, too,

and I would expect
someone from the police
to be around to see me.

My only surprise is
how soon you got here.

I learned one very
important lesson
this morning, Mr. Finch.

And what's that?

Never bet on your
opposition in court.

Mmm.

I never met Frank Staplin.

But in some small way,

I feel a certain
responsibility for his death.

Why is that, sir?

When he called last night,
he was a desperate man.

Even if I hadn't
known him by reputation,

I would have known
from his voice.

His voice, sir?
How did it sound?

Extremely disturbed.

Oh.

You never met him?

No.

He called about
nine months ago

when he was seeking counsel
in a criminal case,

but I was busy at the time,
and I had to turn him down.

When he called last night,
he said it was a last resort.

That he was about
to fire his attorneys,

they were fools
and incompetents,
and he needed new counsel,

and this time he was willing
to pay any price that I asked.

But you refused him again?

Yes, indeed, I did.

Would you be kind enough
to walk with me
to my car, Lieutenant?

I detest being late.

An hour or two after the call,
he shot himself.

I don't relish the thought
that it might have been
because I turned him down.

FINCH:
It's strange, isn't it?

Until last night,
all I really knew
about Frank Staplin

was what I'd read
in the newspapers, magazines,
courtroom gossip.

Like everybody else, I'd
formed an opinion long ago.

I thought he was guilty.

Perhaps of worse crimes
than he was accused.

But now that he's dead,
maybe because

a stranger that he turned to
for help refused him,

I can't help feeling
a certain pity for him.

I can understand that, sir.

What make of car
did you say that was?

It's a Peugeot.

Very unusual.

French.

Really? Excuse me.

Once again, sir. Sorry,
I took your parking spot.

Don't give it
another thought.

And if you need
further assistance,
please get in touch.

(SNIFFING)

Yes, Lieutenant?

You know, ma'am, there's
none of that odor left.

That's a wonderful spray.

And it has
a very nice scent to it.

I wonder, ma'am, could you
give me the name of that
for my wife?

She might find that useful.

You know what I mean.

I'm so glad you like it.

It's nontoxic,
and it's not easy
to come by.

But I'll tell you what.
I've got an extra can.

I'll get it for you.
Oh, no, ma'am...

No arguments.
You shall have it.

(PHONE RINGS)

RECEPTIONIST:
Good morning,
Mr. Finch's office...

No, he's momentarily out.
Can I take a message?

Here you are.

Well, let me, ma'am...

No, it's not office property.
I bring it in myself.

My compliments
to your wife.

Well, thank you, ma'am.
That's very kind of you.

You're welcome.

Through the lobby,
up the stairs,
past the elevators,

take a left,
and it's the fourth big
double door on the left.

That's right.

FINCH: I liked it back there.
JOHN: Yes, sir.

Keep that
the way it is.
Very well, sir.

And extend
the podium...

Mr. Finch?

Just one more thing, sir.

When you can
spare a minute.

With you directly,
Lieutenant. I'm just
finishing up here.

FINCH: Well, everything seems
to be going according to plan.

If you have any problems,
you know where to contact me.

Thank you very much, John.

You run a nice hotel here.

JOHN: Thank you.

Well, no difficulty
in finding me, I trust?

None at all, sir.
Thank you.

Uh-huh.
Something turn up?

Well, I meant to ask
you back at the office,

but what with one thing
and another, you know
how things are.

(CHUCKLING) Yes,
I was rather pressed
for time.

I still am,
as a matter of fact.

It's about
his voice, sir.

What voice?

The voice
on the telephone.

Mr. Staplin's.
The late night call
he made to you.

Yeah. Well, what about it?

You said back
at the office

that you could tell
he was desperate.

I think you said
that he sounded
extremely disturbed.

Well, I think that
that's the way that

you would have described it
had you heard him.

But I didn't, sir,
and you did.

What were the words?

What did he say?

The exact words

if you could remember.

There's no problem there.
I'll never forget them.

Oh, wonderful, sir.
What were they?

"What the hell
am I gonna do?"

I beg your pardon?

That's what he said.

Just that?

Well, he said it twice.

"What the hell
am I going to do?

"What the hell
am I going to do?

"Jesus."

Oh, he said that, too?

Yeah. Then he hung up.

"What the hell
am I going to do?

"What the hell
am I going to do?"

And that word,
and he hung up.

Well, that's desperate
all right, yes, sir.

Yeah, you can say that
that is extremely disturbed.

(SOFTLY) Oh,
dear, dear, dear...

Hmm.
Hmm.

Well, if you'll
excuse me, I'II...

I'd better be running along.

What? Oh, yes, sir.
Certainly, sir.

And thank you very much.
Appreciate it.

Oh, don't mention it.

FINCH: Good luck.

Oh, Mr. Finch.

Sir!

Yes?

You had a meeting
in your office last night?

Is that a question?

Well, all the cigar smoke.

Maybe you didn't notice it
when you arrived this morning.

Your secretary,
Miss Louise, she sure did
a number on it. Quite a lady.

Oh, yes, yes, I don't know
what I'd do without her.

As a matter of fact,
I did have a meeting
at my office last night.

Was that before
or after dinner, sir?

(CHUCKLING)

(EXCLAIMING)

You know, you're...

You're rather subtle

for a man
who appears so overt.

Is that good, sir?

Oh, it's not too bad
at all.

It was after dinner.

Did my wife also
get around to telling you
what we had on the menu?

No, sir.

But that meeting was
very late, then,
wasn't it, sir?

After midnight, probably.

Yes.

And after the call
from Mr. Staplin?

That's correct.

But the meeting wasn't
with Mr. Staplin, was it, sir?

What o'clock do you have?

I beg your pardon?

My timepiece

says 10:09 and counting.

Well, I'm sure that your
timepiece is correct, sir.

That gives me
just under six minutes

to make my next appointment,
the other side of town.

Now, if I get
a speeding ticket,
will you take care of it?

Well, I...
I detest being late.

And I also detest
having to repeat myself.

Now, come on, Lieutenant,
don't disappoint me.

A man of your
obvious intelligence

will not have overlooked
the fact that I told you
twice already, I believe,

that I have never
met Mr. Staplin.

Does that cover it?

That covers it, sir.

Have a nice remainder
of the day, Lieutenant.

This will be real quick,
sir, I promise.

Would you mind telling me
who it was you had
that meeting with last night?

You should know better
than that, Lieutenant.

I'm sure you've heard
of client-attorney privilege,
confidentiality.

Well, maybe you can help me
with this other thing
that I don't understand.

Your wife told me
that she heard
the telephone ring

just after you two
came home last night.

Is that your memory, sir?

Yeah.

And after the call,
you went to your office
and met with someone?

Yeah.

Did you drive, sir?

Yes, of course.

And the individual
you met with,

did he drive himself, too?

Yeah. What's your point?

Was that a meeting that
was previously planned, sir?

It was so late at night.

Well, there were
actually two calls
last night, Lieutenant.

One was from Staplin,
and the other was from
a client

who wished to meet
with me at my office
on a matter of some urgency.

But I think that
your wife said

there was only
one call, sir.

Oh, there's no mystery
there, Lieutenant.

We have
call-waiting service.

The second call
clicked through while
Mr. Staplin was on the line.

Which would account
for why your wife

didn't hear the second ring.

Because there wasn't one.

Well, that's terrific.
That's very good.

We cleared
that one up very easily.

And I'm happy about it

because that was
one of the few loose ends

I was still
having trouble with.

That's great.

You know what, sir?

We did it in 72 seconds.

How's that
for problem solving?

Any more questions?

I can't think
of one at the moment,

except why aren't you
on your way to court?

That's a good one.

(CHUCKLING) I just loved
when you asked him,

was he sure he could
see in the dark.

Thirty yards
on a moonless night.

That was the clincher,
when you called him
Mr. Cat's Eyes.

Congratulations, Oscar,
you did it again.

All right, James.
You nailed me
to the wall.

Better luck
next time, James.
Thank you.

And the judge nearly
had a heart attack

when you played
the tape of the automatic
firing 18 rounds.

(ALL CHUCKLING)
MAN: At the lawyer.

Back to work, folks.

See you later.
See you later.

Me, too, Lieutenant.

Did you win another,
Mr. Finch?

Oh, let's say
that I acquitted
myself reasonably well.

Wish I could have
seen you in action.

Oh, you're most
welcome. Anytime.

Yeah, I tried
to get here earlier,

but I had to see
Mrs. Staplin.

Oh, really?
How is she bearing up?

Oh, courageous woman, sir.
Very courageous woman.

I gotta say that...

I was just saying
that there's something
about the case

that's gonna keep me
awake tonight.

FINCH: Which case is that?

Oh, you know, sir.

Oh, you have a bee
in your bonnet about
that suicide, don't you?

COLUMBO: Not exactly.
But I can't put it
to bed yet.

Something about the fax
that's puzzling me.

Which facts are those?

Oh, no, sir,
not the facts. The fax.
F-A-X. The machine.

I see.

You are familiar
with that instrument?

We have two of them
in our offices.

Well, sir, what's
puzzling me is

what Mr. Staplin sent
on his fax machine to

his wife in Hawaii
at 12:27, just before
he shot himself.

Suicide note?

Oh, no, sir.
That would be very
strange, wouldn't it?

A suicide note
on a fax machine?

You're losing me,
Lieutenant, you're losing me.

I have a luncheon appointment
with Congressman Mackey,

and the primary is
just a few days away,

and I really
must press along.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

Maybe you could spare
a few minutes after lunch.

What restaurant
you going to?
I could wait outside.

Oh, I'd just hate for you
to have to drag yourself

all the way across town
on some wild goose chase.

Tell me,
what exactly bugs you?

Well, sir,
what's bugging me is,

since you were kind enough
to tell me the last desperate
words of the deceased, that,

"What the hell am I
gonna do? What in
the hell am I gonna do?"

That business.
And, as far as we know,
those were his last words.

How he could say that
and still send this message
on his fax machine

just before
he shot himself?

Now, these are copies, sir.

One he sent,
and the other one

was beside the machine,
waiting to be sent.

They're both jokes.

He shot himself
between jokes.

Jokes?

Jokes.

What jokes?

Good jokes.

Try me.

Well, I don't know, sir,
the first one's Jewish,
and the second one's Irish.

I hope they won't offend you.

Maybe the Irish.

Well, then we'll
just try the first one.

It's in
his own handwriting.

"Susan, what gives? I tried
calling you a few times.

"You fooling around
with some gigolo?"

Well, that's a bit of a joke
to start with. Mrs. Staplin,
she was nuts about him.

"Anyway, sweetie,
we'll talk later.

"I heard a couple
of jokes today. I think
you'll like them."

The first one's
the flasher story.

There was this Jewish lady
walking down Beverly Drive,
and coming the other way,

this flasher guy
in his overcoat.

And when he gets up to her,
he whips open the coat.

She looks
at him and says,

"You call that a lining?"

(LAUGHS)

(LAUGHING HEARTILY)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You know what, Lieutenant?

If our Mr. Staplin had
told me that last night
instead of his wife,

I might just have
gone round there
and heard a few more,

and you wouldn't
be in a bother,

and I wouldn't be late
for lunch.

Maybe you ought to...
Maybe you ought to
hear the other one.

Oh, no time.
I can't wait to get

that flasher one
to Congressman Mackey.

So, what do you think?

I thought
it was a good one.

No, what do you think
about a man killing himself

after a thing like that?

Oh, if you solve
the mysteries
of the suicidal mind,

you're a smarter man
than I, Lieutenant.

"Call that a lining?"

(LAUGHS)

WOMAN:
Right this way, guys.

MAN: Over here? Okay.
I'll set up on the desk
over here.

WOMAN: Put the tripod
in the middle of the room
toward the desk.

Okay, let's make sure we...

Excuse me, sir,
are you with the network?

Lieutenant Columbo,
with the police.

I wonder if
the congressman could
spare me a few minutes.

I'm Toby Ritt,
the congressman's aide.

Lieutenant, this is
really the worst time.

He's just getting ready
to take a very important
interview with the network.

No doubt you've heard
some of the speculation

about his future
in the political scene.

Well, I'm real sorry
if I'm interrupting something
like that, Mr. Ritt.

I wonder if you could ask him
for maybe just four minutes.

One or two questions.
I'll be done before
these fellas are ready.

Word of honor, sir.

Well, I guess it wouldn't
harm anything to ask.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

The congressman
will see you now.

MAN: I see a shadow
coming across...

MACKEY: Lieutenant Columbo.

Couple of minutes earlier,
you'd have caught me
without pants.

Yes, sir.
How do you do, sir?

Let me say right off
the bat that I know how
valuable your time is,

now more than ever,

and I appreciate
the few minutes
you've agreed to give me,

and I'm going
to try my best not to
overstay my welcome.

The man's more of
a politician than I am.

RITT: Makeup should be
ready in about five minutes
for you, Congressman.

Fine. You just give me
a shout, Toby. Help yourself
to a seat, Lieutenant.

Thank you,
very much, sir.

This is a genuine
antique, isn't it?

Yes, it is. It's been
in the family for generations.

Yeah. Last time I sat on one
of these things, it broke.

That right?

Yeah, I was
in this lady's house, and...

You know how
fragile they are,
and what happened was...

Oh, well, I'm not
gonna get into that.

Just let me say
it cost me money, sir.

Well, not to fear.
That one's built to last.

What's on your mind,
Lieutenant?

Oh, this is another
antique, isn't it?

Yes, it is.
May I?

Go ahead.

What is it, sir?

It's an antique
cigar lighter.

Turn-of-the-century English.

Oh.

Does it work?

No, it's a family heirloom
now. It belonged
to my grandfather.

Well, in that case, sir,
if you don't mind,
I'll just use this one.

You know, I would
really prefer that you
did not smoke, Lieutenant.

Now, Toby said that you
had some questions for me.

Yes, sir, I did. Yeah.

Are you aware of the death
of a man named Frank Staplin?

Yes, of course.
A suicide.

Well, that's what we're
trying to determine, sir.

You see,
the law requires...

You don't have
to tell me what the law
requires, Lieutenant.

I was a practicing
attorney for years.

What about
Frank Staplin?

You had lunch today
with Oscar Finch?

Yes, I did.

The two of you are
old friends, I understand.

Going on 20 years, now.

Well, it seems
that Mr. Staplin called
Mr. Finch at his house,

and as it turned out,
that call came in just about

two hours before
Mr. Staplin died.

Did Mr. Finch happen
to mention that to you
at lunch today?

No.

I wonder what reason
he had for calling Oscar.

Could I borrow this, sir?

Help yourself.

According to Mr. Finch,
Mr. Staplin wanted
a new attorney.

Well, I'm not surprised,
considering the fix he was in.

Can't seem to get
this to work, sir.

Twist it.

Yes.

Were you aware of any
prior relationship between
Mr. Staplin and Mr. Finch?

No. That's not to say
that none existed.

Staplin was one of this city's
most notorious racketeers.

Oscar Finch is
one of our finest
criminal lawyers.

It's entirely possible
that their paths may have
crossed on some occasion.

And you're not aware
of any particular occasion?

None at all.

(MUMBLING)

(MUMBLING)

Is that it?

It? Yes. Yes, sir, that's it.
Thank you very much.

Let me take this opportunity
to wish you a lot of luck.

Well, thank you
very much, Lieutenant.

There's one
more thing, sir.

Yes?

If it's not
too much trouble,

my wife would love
to have your autograph.

Why, of course, Lieutenant.
That's no trouble at all.

And when the time comes,
I would sure love
to have her vote.

What's her name?

Mrs. Columbo.

MACKEY:
Where the hell you
been all day, Oscar?

Just busting my gut
all over town on behalf
of our noble cause.

What's the matter?
Your boy Toby
got me on the car phone.

Made it sound
as though you were
in need of intensive care.

And I'm in need
of one of those.

What's going
on, Oscar?
Come again?

A homicide detective
in my office
in broad daylight.

Would you be
referring to a certain
Lieutenant Columbo?

Right. Columbo.

He damn near busted in
on my interview
with Ted Koppel.

The guy's got an act
you could take on the road.

Oh, he's harmless.
Jumped up Boy Scout.

Not funny, Oscar.

And he's not so damned
harmless when he's on my case
about Frank Staplin.

Is this guy following us?
How'd he know you and I
had lunch together today?

I told him.

You told him?

Sure. Sure, I told him.
He's been snooping around
all over the place.

He's just doing his job.
You know that whole procedure.

They have to check on
the last people that a suicide
was in contact with.

Yeah.

He told me
you had a call from Staplin
two hours before he died.

Yeah, sure he did.
And?

Well, he wanted me
to represent him
in the indictment.

He didn't have a hope
in hell, so I told
the guy to get lost.

And, boy, did he ever.

That's it?

That's it.

Come on, Paul.
We've got a lot
of work to do.

There's a long road ahead.

Or would you rather forget
about the White House?

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello, sir.

Oh, I'm glad I caught
you before you go up
to see the governor.

MACKEY: In three minutes.

COLUMBO: Yes, sir.
They told me that when
I called your office.

I need only ask you
one question, sir, then
I'll be out of your hair.

Toby, you and Jim go on up.
I'll follow in a minute.

RITT: Yes, sir.

I would be obliged
if you would get directly
to the point, Lieutenant.

Yes, sir.

Remember the other day,
I asked you if you were aware

of any previous
relationship between
Mr. Finch and Mr. Staplin?

Vividly.
And you answered
that question.

Yes.

What I neglected
to ask was if

you had any association
with Mr. Staplin.

For the record, I never
spoke with him, never in
person, never on the phone.

As far as I know,
we were never in the same
place at the same time.

I never knew him.
I never met Frank Staplin.

Thank you, sir.

Is that all?

That was
the one question, sir.

If only the rest
of this case could
wrap up that easily.

Aren't you spending
an inordinate amount
of time on a suicide?

Oh, it's not that anymore,
sir. It's been officially
classified a homicide.

Since yesterday.
Mr. Staplin was murdered.

Well, that changes
the tone of your
investigation, doesn't it?

Indeed it does, sir.
We're looking for
a cold-blooded killer now.

Well, wish you luck.

Oh, by the way, sir.
I want to thank you
again for that autograph.

My wife was thrilled
when she saw your name
in your own handwriting.

Best of all was
your putting it
on that paper

with the congressional
heading.

Well, I'm happy
to hear that.

Oh, I don't want
to seem a nuisance, sir,

but do you think there's
any chance we could get
the governor's autograph?

I think if my wife
had that, well, she would be
in seventh heaven.

Let me see
what I can do.

Thank you very much, sir.

COLUMBO: Excuse me!

Excuse me.
Yeah?

I got a question for you.

Give me a try.
My wife is convinced
I'm smarter than I look.

Now, you pick up
and deliver laundry
in this area, right?

Yeah. I think it says
that right on the side
of the van there.

You got something
more tricky than that?

Does one
of your customers happen
to be the Finch family?

Finches? No. No finches,
no sparrows, no robins,
no larks.

I got a Mrs. Byrd, though,
if that'll do you any good.

No.

And I used to be absurd,
but now you'd hardly know it.

Good day, sir.
Mr. Amir?

That is who I am.

Lieutenant Columbo.
I spoke earlier
with your father.

Oh, yes, I've been
expecting you, sir.
Yes, sir, how do you do?

Did you find those items?

Yes, sir.

Now, this stuff was
picked up by your driver

from the Finch residence
day before yesterday?

Yes, sir. We have prepared
them for the machine.

(SPEAKING FARSl)

Here, sir.

(SNIFFING)

You search
for something,
sir, yes?

Smoke.

Smoke?

Cigar smoke.

Yes.

COLUMBO: What caused that?

Water.

Like walking in the rain?

Like Gene Kelly.
Oh, yes, that would do
it every time, sir.

Mr. Amir, I'd like
to ask you for a big favor.

Is there someplace
we can talk?

Anything I can do
for the police would be
my absolute pleasure, sir.

This way.

What I would like to do,
sir, is I would like to take
that suit for one day.

I'll give you
a receipt, date it,
and then sign it.

I guarantee you that you
won't be held responsible.

Yes, but what do I say
when the client complains

that the item has not
been returned on time, sir?

Mr. Amir, there's one
thing I know for sure.

That is not
Mr. Finch's only suit.

And are your deliveries
always on time?

We have an excellent
reputation, sir.

Except only
on very rare occasions

when we have problems
with the machine, sir.

But that can
happen anytime.

Yes, sir, that is true.
It could happen anytime.

Thank you.
I appreciate
your cooperation.

My pleasure, sir.
This way.

(SPEAKING FARSl)

Well, good evening,
Lieutenant.

Good evening.
I'm sure glad I caught you.

My wife wanted me
to give you this.

It's just a thank-you note
for the spray.

I'll tell you,
she's really enjoying it.

It's a whole
different house.

What a kind thought.
She must be a very nice lady.

Yes, ma'am.

I see
Mr. Finch's car outside
in his own spot.

He beat me to it.

Poor man. He's catching
up on his homework.

What with the primaries
and all,

I don't know how he has time
to fit everything in.

You think I could duck
in there for a minute?

Let me find out.

FINCH: Come in.

Mr. Finch,
Lieutenant Columbo is here.

Is he?

Forgive me
for disturbing you, sir.

If it's not convenient now,
I can come back another time.

If you don't mind, sir,
I just need a little
technical advice.

I'm... I'm very expensive.

Oh, shucks, sir.

What do you say, Louise?

I think a break
would do you good.

All right.
Come in, Lieutenant.

Are you about
through, Louise?

I'm just going, sir.

Have a good evening.
Good night, Mr. Finch.

Good night.

Good night, Lieutenant.
Good night, ma'am.

At your service,
Lieutenant.

Know what this is, sir?

If I'm not mistaken,
that is a.32 automatic.

That's the gun
that killed Mr. Staplin.

Is it?

Well, not the one,
but it's the same model.

The real one's
been impounded,
pending...

Pending closure
of the investigation.

Yes. Exactly, sir.

Oh, what about it?

If I could just show you
what's puzzling me, sir.

Perhaps I could
use your desk.

Be my guest.

Now, sir, I'm going to need
something to represent
a few drops of blood.

Could I use some water
from that thing?

From the carafe?
Help yourself.

I notice that you have
carpet on the floor, sir.

Mr. Staplin had hardwood
under his desk.

Could you spare
a few sheets of paper, sir?

Paper? Certainly.

Thank you.

(PHONE RINGING)

Excuse me.

FINCH: Yes?
Oh, how are you?

No, no, I can't
right now. I'm in
the middle of a meeting.

All right. I'll call you
as soon as I'm through.

See you. Bye-bye.

I am sorry about that.
We won't be disturbed again.

I've switched all
calls through
to the answering service.

Now, where were we?

This is just
about the place
where the blood was.

Now, let me show you.

This is Mr. Staplin's desk.

I'm his body.

Now, sir, after he's dead,
here's his arm.

And there's the gun
under it on the floor.

How does that look
to you, sir?

You saw it.

Right, sir.
So, here's the weird bit.

This is the way it looked
after he'd done what
he was supposed to have done.

But there's something
that's puzzling me, sir,

and I was wondering,
maybe with your expertise,
you could help me.

I'll do my best.

If you'll take
a closer look, sir.

Closer?
Yes, please.

Certainly.
In here.

FINCH: In there.

In the chair?

Yeah.

It's the blood
underneath the gun.

You see, sir,
there was no blood
on the gun.

Not on this side,
and not on the underside.

So the blood
must have dried

before the gun
fell from his hand
on the floor.

You see, sir...

This water
hasn't dried yet.

So how could a man
shoot himself,

having a gun dangling
from his fingers,

and it not drop
until sometime later?

It just has me baffled, sir.

Fascinating.

Yes, sir.

But not beyond explanation.

You mean that there's
some way that,
that can happen?

Did Staplin have arthritis?

Arthritis?

In the hands?

Oh, I don't know, sir.

Well, check it out.

Oh, yeah.

In the finger joints.

If there was a certain amount
of calcification
in the finger joints,

it could have delayed

their extension
before the spasm.

Spasm.

Oh, yeah.
Invariably there's a spasm
or a digestive quiver

that occurs after
other bodily functions
have ceased,

and before the
onset of rigor mortis.

So, you mean that
the gun could have dangled
on his finger

with the arthritis,

delaying it from dropping
until this spasm or quiver

shook it off some time later.

Precisely put.

And that would explain
how the blood had time to dry.

Possibly.

Brilliant, sir.

I wouldn't have thought
of that in a million years.

Of course, there might
be another explanation.

That was just
a conjectural analysis.

I can't imagine a better
one than that, sir.

I wouldn't hesitate to use it
in a court of law.

No wonder you charge
such high fees.

The information that you
just gave me is priceless.

And thanks for the use
of the hall, as they say.

I'll be on my way,
but believe me, sir,

I will never forget
how you helped me
out here tonight.

Any time, Lieutenant.

Any time.

Have a good evening,

and kindly close the door
as you go out.

I still have work to do.

Certainly, sir.

Good night.

Good night.

It's just us, Oscar.

You appear calm.

But you're not.

Staplin was murdered.

Where did you get
that information?

Where else?
Our raincoated friend.

He's bluffing.

I think he's
got a suspect.

Who might that be?

You, Oscar.

And how do you
feel about that?

I feel like we've
known each other
for a very long time,

and I feel I wouldn't be
where I am without you.

I let you get by with lying
to me yesterday

because I didn't want
to hear the truth.

Maybe I still don't.

Make up your mind, Paul.
Either you do, or you don't.

It's your call.

I'm listening.

He was extorting me.

You killed him?

I'd really appreciate
your believing it
was necessary.

Necessary?

Essential. For both of us.
There was too much at stake.

I sincerely wish
I wasn't hearing this.

He wanted to turn
the clock back 21 years.

The missing document routine.
What was I supposed to do?

You were supposed
to tell him to get lost
like you said you did.

And sit back
and wait for him to tell
the rest of the world

exactly what happened in '69

about the little favor
we did him when you were
in the DA's office,

the cash that
changed hands?

If it turns out
that the prime suspect
in a homicide case

is vice-presidential
candidate Mackey's closest
personal friend and advisor,

what's the score
then, Oscar?

It'll never happen.

What guarantees
do I have?

I'm convinced
that Columbo is bluffing.

He's been
hanging around me
like a limpet,

and he hasn't got a clue.

He's fishing.

Just before I came here,
he reconstructed
the whole Staplin death scene

in my damn office,
with the gun and all.

That was the meeting
I was at when you called.

Asking for advice.
Who's he think he's kidding?

(CHUCKLING)

Wish you'd been there.

You might have
enjoyed it.

Might I?

What about Staplin's
phone call?

You can't shoot a man
over the telephone, Paul.

Having guided much
of my career,

enlighten me on just
one more point.

What's your alibi?

Oscar.

What's your alibi?

You should have seen
the congressman
perform on camera

in the interview
with Koppel.

Personally, I think
it's a natural talent.

You either have it
or you don't.

You can't give lessons
in charisma.

Uh-huh, yeah.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

FINCH: Lieutenant,
good of you to respond
so quickly to my call.

Paul's upstairs
with the governor.

He should be down
in a minute.

Toby, go check that
he's on his way,

would you please?
Thank you.

Well, Lieutenant,
I've been practicing law
for a very long time,

and I value
my professional integrity
above all else.

But today, I'm going
to do a thing
that I've never done before.

What is that, sir?

I'm going to break
a trust. An oath.

Oh, I'm sorry
to hear that, sir.

It's my understanding
that you now believe

that Staplin was murdered?

That's right, sir.

Come to think of it,
it's not surprising,

considering how many enemies
the man must have made.

He was a fairly
ruthless operator.

You got a suspect?

It's a little early
to be sure, sir.

But you do
have some clues?

Little things
here and there...

Hypothetical?
Circumstantial?

Yes and no, sir.

No proof?

Not yet, no.

I'd hate to think
that there was

any suspicion or innuendo
attached to me.

So would I, sir.

Remember that I told you
that I had a meeting

at my office
with a client that evening?

Yes, sir.

Yes. And I claimed
attorney-client privilege?

Correct.

Confidentiality?

Yes.

My client.

FINCH: The client
I was with that night.

How are you, Lieutenant?
I imagine Oscar's
filled you in

with the gruesome details.

I know it just about
killed him to do it,

but to be entirely frank,
it's actually my doing

and I have to take
the blame for it.

You, sir?

When Oscar first called
and mentioned your
inquiries to me,

I told him
in no uncertain terms
to keep my name out of it.

I'm sure that you can
appreciate the delicate
political situation.

A word in the wrong place
at the wrong time
could upset, well,

certain rather
important events.

However, we both now feel
that we can rely on
your total discretion.

After you told me
that the agenda changed
to murder, I...

I felt it would be
selfish to further impede
your investigation.

I apologize.

I understand, sir.

Goodbye, Lieutenant.

And good luck.

Thank you, sir.

Oh, Lieutenant,
I almost forgot.

For your wife.

From Governor Montgomery,
with his best regards.

Congressman, if you're
on the ticket, sir,

you have one vote for sure.

(CHUCKLING)
Well, you never know,
Lieutenant.

Just might be the one
we need to win.

Thank you very much.

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)

COLUMBO: Anybody home?

Anybody home?

DIANE: Who's there?

Miss Louise?

It's Diane,
one of the others.
Who's that?

Lieutenant Columbo.

DIANE: The cigar man.

I'm in the bathroom,
fixing my face.

Just a minute.
Hang in there.

Well, how do you like it?

Oh, that's nice, miss.
That's real nice.

It's primary day.
Everybody from the office
will be at the celebrations.

Well, there's nothing
like a celebration.

I hope everything
works out.

Oh, Mr. Finch says
it's in the bag.

Shows you
how dumb I am, ma'am.

Coming to the office,
expecting to find him here

at the beginning
of a night like this.

Yeah, he'll be
in the thick of it someplace.

I'll just wander
over to the hotel.

Good night, miss.

Don't forget to lock up.

I won't.

Love that dress.

Have a ball.

Thanks. Bye-bye.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING)

(WHEN THE SAINTS
GO MARCHING IN PLAYING)

Can I help you?

Lieutenant Columbo.
I have to see
Congressman Mackey.

He's in the governor's suite.
Follow me, Lieutenant.

MAN ON RADIO:
Unit 7, I read you, too.

Big night, huh?

Oh, yeah.
This is exciting.

Ever been
to one of these?

No, my first time.

(CHATTER ON RADIO)

I'll go find him.
Wait here, Lieutenant.

MAN ON TV:
The polls have been
closed for about an hour,

and so far,
nothing conclusive
has come in.

Early precincts
do not indicate
a clear projected winner,

but Montgomery supporters
are extremely optimistic
about their prospects...

He'll be right out,
Lieutenant.

... because the exit polls
show the governor
clearly in the lead.

The governor is expected
to make his appearance
within a half an hour...

What the hell is
going on, Lieutenant?

I thought we had
our last little chat.

Tonight is not the time
to have another.

I'm sorry, sir.
I think we should go
someplace private.

This is confidential
you might say.

All right,
step into Haines' room.

He won't mind.
He's fully occupied in there.

How's it going, sir?

Things are looking good.
Damn it, will you get
to the point?

I'm not going
to enjoy this,
Congressman,

and I wanted
to get into it easier.

But if that's how you feel
about it, I'll oblige.

All right, get to it.

Notice my cigar?

When I was in your office,
you asked me not to smoke it.

When did you give up
cigars yourself, sir?

What makes you think
I did?

Your behavior.

And that beautiful humidor
and lighter that was
still on your desk.

Three weeks ago,

the image of
the cigar-smoking politician
is out of date.

You quit three weeks ago?

But after your
late-night meeting
with Mr. Finch,

his entire office
smelled of cigar smoke.

Well, I didn't say that
I'd quit altogether.

What I have done is
avoid smoking

within sight of cameras
and gossipers.

I see.

Did you drive
to Mr. Finch's
that night?

Of course.

Do you remember
where you parked?

In his lot.

Was he there already?

No, we arrived
about the same time.

COLUMBO:
And you left together?

That's right.

About 2:00 a.m.
As I recall.

Was it raining?

Raining?

Yes, sir. There was
a short rainstorm
that night.

Was it raining
when you left?

No, I'm sure it wasn't.

It might have happened
earlier while we were still
in Oscar's office.

Or maybe it happened later
after I got home.

Uh-huh.

The scandal
in the district attorney's
office, '69.

The one involving
Frank Staplin,
stolen documents.

You remember that, sir?

I'll never forget it.

It destroyed
the political future
of a fine district attorney.

Who you worked for.

As an assistant DA.

You said you never met
Mr. Staplin.

Damn it, Lieutenant,
I wasn't assigned to the case.

We had a large staff.
I was a very small part of it.

Mr. Finch claims
he never met
Mr. Staplin, either.

So you told me.

But it turns out
that 21 years ago

Mr. Finch worked
for the law firm

that represented
Mr. Staplin.

He was a junior partner
at the time.

I doubt very much
if he'd have been assigned
a case of such importance.

In 1969, Frank Staplin
was in bad trouble,

and he needed a big favor.

And I think he got friendly
with the ambitious Mr. Finch,

and they made a deal.

But Mr. Finch needed
help in the district
attorney's office,

a person who had access
to the evidence

that had to be destroyed
in order to save Mr. Staplin.

You were Mr. Finch's
best friend.

You were that person.

You can't have
proof of this.

The little house
you've built is
floating on thin air.

That's right.

But it's a house made
entirely of glass,

and you're inside,

and you can't get out.

If I were you,

I wouldn't perjure myself
for Mr. Oscar Finch.

(WHEN THE SAINTS
GO MARCHING IN PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Sounds like the opposition
has conceded.

I wish I could say
congratulations, sir.

(LOUD CHEERING)

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

FINCH: Excuse me, please.
Thank you,
thank you very much.

Thank you.
Excuse me, please.
Excuse me, sir.

Thank you very much.

Well, this is
an unexpected pleasure,
Lieutenant.

Somebody send you
an invitation?

Not exactly, sir.

You might say
this is a working visit.

Oh, no rest for the wicked.
Ever the bloodhound.
Always on the trail.

In a manner of
speaking, sir.

Moving in for the kill?

I hope it doesn't go
that far, sir.

May I ask,
what are you doing
carrying that around?

You look like
a delivery man.

Oh, this?

Oh, I picked this up
at the cleaners
today, sir.

Going in for a new look?

Not really, no.

Lost somebody?

Some friends of mine.
I thought they might
be here by now.

FINCH: Have you something
to say to me?

What?

You waved to me in there.

You gave
the distinct impression

that you wanted
to talk to me.

Oh, I did, sir.
Gee, I nearly forgot.

I got too much
on my mind, sir.

Yes, there are
a few things I wanted
to go over with you.

As a matter of fact,
I spoke to management,

and they can let us have
a room across the hall.

Somebody just finished
a sales demonstration
in there.

Nice and quiet.
We can talk.

More advice?

Just two or three points
I want to go over
with you, sir.

I honestly think
with your cooperation
we could wrap this case up.

Put it to bed.

Well, that's terrific.
That's just terrific.

But I don't think
tonight's the night for
that sort of thing, you know.

I tell you what.
Why don't you give me
a call in the morning,

and we'll get together
sometime during the day,

and I'll give you
all the help I can.

But right now, I'd hate
to miss the governor's speech.

But by all means,
stick around
and enjoy yourself.

Be my guest.

Pardon me, folks.

COLUMBO:
This is your suit, sir!
The one you got wet!

Wet?
In the rain, the night
Mr. Staplin was killed.

I think you did it, sir.

Where's the room?

That was
an extraordinary remark
you made just now.

I'm very disappointed in you.

I'm sorry about that, sir.

I thought we had
a nice relationship going.

Well, nothing's
perfect, sir.

This is your suit,
isn't it?

Well, let me...
Let me look at it.

Mmm. That's nice.
Nice fabric.

Yes, I...

I have one
just like it.

It is yours, sir.
It was at the cleaners.

And it was
at the cleaners because
it got wet in the rain.

Oh, yes.

Yes, so it did.

Where did it get wet?

Where?

Where.

Oh, where else?

Where it rains,
of course. Outside.

When were you
outside, sir?

Oh, when I walked
from my car to my office

for the meeting
with Congressman Mackey,

and then when I walked
from my office to my car

a couple of hours later.

Except according
to Congressman Mackey,

the two of you
left together.

And it wasn't raining
at that time.

Well, then it must have
been raining earlier.

No, sir, that's
not possible, either.

And how does
your crystal ball
deduce that?

Well, sir,
in your parking space,

the ground
under your car was dry,

so it wasn't raining
when you arrived.

It had to start raining
after you arrived.

And I noticed
that dry spot
the following morning

when I parked
in your parking space.

But there was only
one dry spot, not two.

That means there was
only one car
in the parking lot

the previous night.

That means
Congressman Mackey was lying

when he said he drove
to your office
and parked in your lot.

And you were lying,
sir, when you said
you met him there,

because he was
never there.

And you walked
to Mr. Staplin's house

because you didn't
want your car seen
outside his house.

And you killed Mr. Staplin

because he threatened
to spill the beans about
the favor you did him in '69

unless you did him
another favor.

And when you left
Mr. Staplin's house,

it started to rain,
and that's when you got wet.

But it stopped raining
before you returned
to your car,

and that's why
the ground under
your car was dry.

That it?

That's it, sir.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, you...
You disappoint me,
Lieutenant.

You are aware
that an accusation
of that nature

requires proof of presence
at the scene of the crime?

Yes, sir,
I'm aware of that.

Do you have it?

No, sir.

But you do have a dead body
with all the indications
of suicide,

and one self-inflicted
gunshot wound to the head.

Tell me, was there powder
on the gun hand?

Yes, sir, there was.

How did it get there
if he didn't shoot himself?

I have no idea.

Then all you have is
a load of unsubstantiated
circumstantial poppycock.

If you'll forgive me,
I think I'll return
to the festivities.

But the invitation
remains open.
You're welcome to stay.

Please, enjoy yourself,
Lieutenant.

Stick around.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)

PEOPLE: (CHANTING)
Montgomery! Montgomery!

You know, none of this
would have been possible
without your help.

My pleasure.
Thanks.

SERGEANT: That's it, sir.

Everything?

The works.

MAN ON TV:
... at the Biltmore Hotel.

Governor Montgomery
has just been declared...

Mr. Finch, this is
a warrant to bring you
in for questioning.

We'll do it here.

These gentlemen will
serve as witnesses.

You know your rights.
Is there anyone
you want present?

Let's get this farce
on the road.

Just for the record,
Mr. Finch,

where were you
on the night
Mr. Staplin was killed?

At my home
and in my office.

COLUMBO: When's the last time
you saw Mr. Staplin?

I never met Mr. Staplin.

Have you ever been
in Mr. Staplin's house?

Never.

COLUMBO:
Did you kill Mr. Staplin?

No.

This is a piece
of chewing gum.
Do you recognize it?

Recognize a piece
of chewing gum?

Do you remember
chewing it?

Beg your pardon?

Do you chew gum, sir?

Occasionally.

This gum was found
in your trash can
in your office.

There were also
three full packs
in the top desk drawer,

plus a fourth with
only one stick missing.

Would you concede,
Mr. Finch,

that if the teeth marks
in this gum match exactly

with your teeth marks,

would you concede
that the average person
would believe

that it was you
that chewed the gum?

More hypothetical poppycock?

Oh, it's not
poppycock, sir.

Not if it places you
at the scene of the crime.

Enlighten me.

Have you ever seen this?

Police Chief magazine,
August issue.

There's an article in here.
That's how I know about this.

I found out that
in Fresno, California...

Here, let me
read this to you.

Dr. Benoff,
he's a forensic dentist.

It says, "He punctured
the alibi of a suspect

"in a drug-related slaying
by matching a wad
of chewing gum

"discarded at the scene
to the suspect's teeth.

"Seeing the matched models,
the suspect pleaded guilty."

This is getting to be
a big thing.

Bite mark evidence.

That famous
serial murderer
in Florida, Bundy.

They put him to death

because they could
match his tooth marks
with the bite marks

on the two girls.
It's getting to be big.

I'm glad
I read this article.

Fascinating as this is,
even if the gum were mine,

it was not
at the scene of the crime.

But this was.

This piece of cheese.

This cheese was
on Mr. Staplin's desk

on the night
of his death,

and the bite mark
on this piece of cheese

matches the bite mark
on this piece of gum.

This is your
dental chart, Mr. Finch.

This is an X-ray
of your eyetooth.

It has a distinct chip
on the right front side,

and a number
of small notches

running along
the other lateral edge.

I haven't taken a mold
of your tooth yet, Mr. Finch,

but when I do,
it's gonna be the same thing
as a fingerprint.

The mold of your tooth
is gonna match exactly

the bite mark on
this piece of cheese,

placing you
at the scene of the crime.

You're under arrest, sir.
Suspicion of murder.

Excuse me.

(INCREASING VOLUME)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Ladies and gentlemen,
fellow workers,

dear friends,

this is a night to remember!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)

One bite of cheese.

One bite of cheese.

(BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYING)