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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:04,162 WWW.MY-SUBS.CO 1 00:01:10,953 --> 00:01:15,953 Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.MY-SUBS.com 2 00:01:18,633 --> 00:01:21,562 Actual tear stains on the page. 3 00:01:21,567 --> 00:01:24,094 I went through two boxes of tissues, goddamn you. 4 00:01:24,099 --> 00:01:27,311 I'm sorry about that, but I am relieved. 5 00:01:27,490 --> 00:01:30,744 Your message was so cryptic, I was afraid you hated it. 6 00:01:30,749 --> 00:01:34,180 I loved it! I had to tell you in person, so you could see this. 7 00:01:35,781 --> 00:01:37,824 I wanna fast-track it for the Christmas season. 8 00:01:37,829 --> 00:01:40,206 Oh my gosh. Oh, that's great. 9 00:01:40,211 --> 00:01:42,565 - I just have one note. - Okay. 10 00:01:42,570 --> 00:01:47,742 This whole thing is... so raw and honest, 11 00:01:47,747 --> 00:01:50,638 and, let's face it, brutal. 12 00:01:50,643 --> 00:01:51,904 I mean, you spend your whole career 13 00:01:51,908 --> 00:01:54,119 writing about your quest for love, 14 00:01:54,124 --> 00:01:56,418 and then, you finally find it... 15 00:01:56,423 --> 00:01:58,466 and then he dies. 16 00:01:58,628 --> 00:02:01,866 It's pretty dark. It's a real departure for you as a writer. 17 00:02:02,004 --> 00:02:03,183 Well... 18 00:02:03,810 --> 00:02:07,564 that's what happened... He departed. 19 00:02:07,711 --> 00:02:11,590 But, you're known for writing "Sex and the City." 20 00:02:11,595 --> 00:02:13,096 I'm afraid if we publish this as is, 21 00:02:13,101 --> 00:02:15,421 your readers are gonna pitch themselves out the window 22 00:02:15,426 --> 00:02:16,835 clutching their tubs of Häagen-Dazs. 23 00:02:16,839 --> 00:02:20,390 Oh, well, that is certainly not what I want. 24 00:02:20,401 --> 00:02:21,643 No. 25 00:02:21,648 --> 00:02:24,706 I would love, and I think this is very doable, 26 00:02:24,711 --> 00:02:27,706 if you could give the reader some element of hope. 27 00:02:27,897 --> 00:02:31,489 Just a suggestion of a brighter future. 28 00:02:32,066 --> 00:02:35,906 I mean, for example... I imagine, at some point, 29 00:02:35,911 --> 00:02:38,114 you're gonna start dating again, right? 30 00:02:39,419 --> 00:02:40,891 Um, I... 31 00:02:40,896 --> 00:02:43,538 I, I mean, I'm not even thinking about that yet. 32 00:02:43,543 --> 00:02:45,003 I hear you... 33 00:02:45,008 --> 00:02:48,413 but... if there's a tiny part of you 34 00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:52,422 that's open to the idea of even just one date... 35 00:02:52,427 --> 00:02:55,639 it would be great if it could happen in the next few weeks. 36 00:02:55,644 --> 00:02:59,189 I would love to hit that stocking stuffer deadline. 37 00:03:00,583 --> 00:03:02,489 Uh, you want me to go on a date? 38 00:03:02,494 --> 00:03:04,512 Ooh, just to be clear, I am just talking about 39 00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:07,395 a toe dip into the dating pool. One guy. 40 00:03:07,693 --> 00:03:08,976 It doesn't have to be a whole chapter. 41 00:03:08,980 --> 00:03:11,294 It could just be an epilogue. 42 00:03:11,299 --> 00:03:13,718 A single page, half a page. 43 00:03:14,060 --> 00:03:17,647 Just... lookin' for that glimmer of hope. 44 00:03:18,156 --> 00:03:19,365 Okay. 45 00:03:21,263 --> 00:03:22,822 I'm here, I'm here. 46 00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:25,879 Sorry. Sorry I'm late, but I have good news. 47 00:03:25,884 --> 00:03:28,926 Carrie agreed to be an auction item at the school benefit. 48 00:03:28,931 --> 00:03:31,517 - Sorry, it took so long. - No, that's great. 49 00:03:31,522 --> 00:03:33,374 I'm sorry if I was being pushy about it. 50 00:03:33,379 --> 00:03:35,465 The benefit committee's just all over me to get 51 00:03:35,470 --> 00:03:36,888 more flashy auction items. 52 00:03:36,893 --> 00:03:39,187 Oh, and remember, for this match, 53 00:03:39,192 --> 00:03:40,929 the redhead is deadly at the net. 54 00:03:40,934 --> 00:03:42,931 Right, and the other one has that killer serve. 55 00:03:42,936 --> 00:03:44,817 I could barely return it last time. 56 00:03:44,822 --> 00:03:46,660 Let's go! Come on! 57 00:03:50,095 --> 00:03:54,599 - Oh, we can beat these bitches. - Oh, we can, and we will. 58 00:04:00,065 --> 00:04:01,757 - Good one! - Push it! 59 00:04:08,137 --> 00:04:09,236 Charlotte! 60 00:04:09,241 --> 00:04:11,307 Kill it! Nice! 61 00:04:13,457 --> 00:04:14,945 Let's go! 62 00:04:18,832 --> 00:04:20,324 Yeah! 63 00:04:21,089 --> 00:04:23,131 Crush it! Yes! 64 00:04:29,073 --> 00:04:30,139 It's yours! 65 00:04:30,596 --> 00:04:31,774 Good one. 66 00:04:32,849 --> 00:04:34,524 Yeah! 67 00:04:40,998 --> 00:04:43,199 I don't understand where you are. 68 00:04:43,204 --> 00:04:45,433 I'm exactly where I said I would be. 69 00:04:46,373 --> 00:04:50,503 No! That's the bad vegetable stand where the guy's mean. 70 00:04:50,680 --> 00:04:52,724 I'm at the good place, farthest from our house 71 00:04:52,729 --> 00:04:55,187 with the squash... opposite end. 72 00:04:55,464 --> 00:04:57,659 Steve, can you hear me? 73 00:04:59,137 --> 00:05:01,144 Just find me, okay?! 74 00:05:02,901 --> 00:05:05,758 Hi, um, what are the green ones called? 75 00:05:05,763 --> 00:05:08,891 Miranda Hobbes, you are failing heirloom tomatoes. 76 00:05:08,896 --> 00:05:12,105 - Oh my god! Hi! - Hi! Ha, ha. 77 00:05:12,270 --> 00:05:14,930 Okay, I never wanted you two to meet, but here we are, 78 00:05:14,935 --> 00:05:16,978 so, Miranda Hobbes, this is my husband, 79 00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:18,479 - Andre Rashad. - Hey. 80 00:05:18,484 --> 00:05:20,482 - Andre, this is Miranda. - Hey, nice to meet the woman 81 00:05:20,486 --> 00:05:22,686 - that beat up Chucky in the subway. - Oh. 82 00:05:22,691 --> 00:05:24,389 Yeah, I hear things. 83 00:05:24,394 --> 00:05:26,233 It's my greatest accomplishment. 84 00:05:26,238 --> 00:05:28,406 I, I am still having nightmares, though. 85 00:05:29,417 --> 00:05:31,097 Hey, should I run over to the cheese woman? 86 00:05:31,102 --> 00:05:33,142 I want to stay ahead of a dangerous cheese shortage. 87 00:05:34,034 --> 00:05:35,413 He's not tryin' to impress you. 88 00:05:35,418 --> 00:05:37,284 He really is this cute. 89 00:05:37,633 --> 00:05:39,425 Be right back. 90 00:05:41,815 --> 00:05:44,417 Oh, my God. That kiss. 91 00:05:44,422 --> 00:05:48,051 If you two were a TV show, I would be streaming you. 92 00:05:48,159 --> 00:05:50,464 Oh, well, it would be a drama 93 00:05:50,469 --> 00:05:52,628 'cause I got my period this morning. 94 00:05:52,633 --> 00:05:55,636 Oh, shit. Oh, I'm sorry to hear. 95 00:05:55,641 --> 00:05:58,352 Yeah, we're still, you know, off the IVF, 96 00:05:58,357 --> 00:06:01,360 but trying, and I was almost two weeks late. 97 00:06:01,365 --> 00:06:03,983 - Mm. - I shouldn't have told him. 98 00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:05,402 I mean, the man is good at a lot of things, 99 00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:08,206 but cautious optimism is not one of them. 100 00:06:09,355 --> 00:06:11,741 I am dreading telling him, Miranda. 101 00:06:11,746 --> 00:06:13,790 I am so done with all of this. 102 00:06:13,795 --> 00:06:14,878 Hey... 103 00:06:15,574 --> 00:06:17,084 This place is bullshit. 104 00:06:17,089 --> 00:06:19,105 Why do they keep movin' everything around? 105 00:06:19,110 --> 00:06:22,655 Oh, Steve, Steve, this is, uh, Nya, my professor. 106 00:06:22,660 --> 00:06:25,463 - Hey. - I have been dying to meet you. 107 00:06:25,468 --> 00:06:28,753 You are the only person I know who intimidates her. 108 00:06:29,349 --> 00:06:32,053 I think we intimidate each other, actually. 109 00:06:32,058 --> 00:06:34,185 Ah, my wallet! Shit! 110 00:06:34,190 --> 00:06:36,818 You know, y-you got me so freakin' distracted 111 00:06:36,823 --> 00:06:38,768 when you're yellin' at me about the squash guy, 112 00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:41,984 I left my, I left my wallet over where the pickle guy 113 00:06:41,989 --> 00:06:44,185 who used to be over in that corner. 114 00:06:44,443 --> 00:06:46,391 I, I gotta, I gotta go get it. 115 00:06:46,396 --> 00:06:49,068 Um, really nice to meet you, Professor, all right? 116 00:06:49,073 --> 00:06:50,748 - Oh, sorry. - No worries. 117 00:06:52,219 --> 00:06:54,263 So, that's my Steve. 118 00:06:54,580 --> 00:06:57,029 - Here comes my guy, so would you... - Yeah, yeah, yeah. 119 00:06:57,034 --> 00:06:59,372 - Got the last of the Bloomsday. - Ooh. 120 00:06:59,377 --> 00:07:01,162 - There we go. - See? 121 00:07:07,326 --> 00:07:08,529 Hi. 122 00:07:11,779 --> 00:07:13,852 Oh, Amanda? 123 00:07:13,857 --> 00:07:16,686 Mm, Carrie. Shit. 124 00:07:16,691 --> 00:07:19,235 - Sorry to drop in, um, unannounced. - No, no, no. I love it. 125 00:07:19,240 --> 00:07:22,061 You just caught me with a milk mustache. I mean, what am I? Five? 126 00:07:22,066 --> 00:07:23,860 This is my fourth cappuccino today. 127 00:07:23,865 --> 00:07:25,439 I think... I've lost track. 128 00:07:25,444 --> 00:07:26,650 Come sit with me while I vibrate. 129 00:07:26,654 --> 00:07:27,702 Oh, do you want one? They're free. 130 00:07:27,706 --> 00:07:29,875 Oh, no. I'm, I'm good. Thank you. Thank you. 131 00:07:30,059 --> 00:07:32,603 So... what's up? 132 00:07:32,608 --> 00:07:38,531 Well, um, I, I got the book cover proposals that you sent over, 133 00:07:38,536 --> 00:07:40,662 and now, I'm worried. 134 00:07:40,667 --> 00:07:41,723 Oh my God. 135 00:07:42,068 --> 00:07:44,030 I thought the covers were stunning, 136 00:07:44,035 --> 00:07:49,832 especially number two and... number five. 137 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:53,966 So spare and arresting. Just takes my breath away. 138 00:07:53,971 --> 00:07:56,598 But, maybe, the book is too heavy. 139 00:07:56,603 --> 00:07:57,806 You know, I mean, even you said that 140 00:07:57,810 --> 00:08:00,929 my readers don't want all that sadness from me. 141 00:08:00,934 --> 00:08:02,449 Maybe, I just... 142 00:08:02,454 --> 00:08:05,871 Maybe, I just needed to write the book for myself. 143 00:08:07,917 --> 00:08:09,796 I respectfully disagree. 144 00:08:09,801 --> 00:08:13,326 In fact, when I pitched the idea of the epilogue 145 00:08:13,331 --> 00:08:15,667 to Oprah's Book Club people, 146 00:08:15,672 --> 00:08:19,760 they got very excited, and said they were definitely interested. 147 00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:23,143 - Oprah? Really? - Mmm-hmm. 148 00:08:23,148 --> 00:08:26,738 So, I guess I'm goin' on a date. 149 00:08:26,743 --> 00:08:29,170 I've been waiting for you to be ready. 150 00:08:29,175 --> 00:08:32,616 We had this whole wave of divorces at school this year, 151 00:08:32,621 --> 00:08:36,552 and I know three adorable dads who'll be fighting over you. 152 00:08:36,557 --> 00:08:37,725 Well, I'm not exactly ready. 153 00:08:37,730 --> 00:08:39,692 It was mandated by my editor... 154 00:08:40,728 --> 00:08:41,840 and Oprah. 155 00:08:41,845 --> 00:08:43,660 - Really? - Seriously? 156 00:08:44,067 --> 00:08:46,354 Well, when Oprah mandates a man date, 157 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,246 - what're you gonna do? - Date a man. 158 00:08:48,251 --> 00:08:50,395 - Yeah. - And I thought about it, 159 00:08:50,400 --> 00:08:51,680 and I figured... 160 00:08:52,187 --> 00:08:55,277 if I can lighten my hair, I can lighten my book, right? 161 00:08:55,282 --> 00:08:56,482 Yes. 162 00:08:56,751 --> 00:08:59,403 Oh, and they're all gonna be at the benefit, 163 00:08:59,408 --> 00:09:00,993 so you can meet them there. 164 00:09:01,076 --> 00:09:02,512 No one anyone knows. 165 00:09:02,517 --> 00:09:04,269 You know, I'd rather, I'd rather 166 00:09:04,274 --> 00:09:05,617 go the anonymous route, 167 00:09:05,622 --> 00:09:06,999 since this is, basically, a stunt, 168 00:09:07,004 --> 00:09:09,722 you know, to give my, my readers a glimmer of hope. 169 00:09:09,916 --> 00:09:12,238 Is there an app that knocks you out 170 00:09:12,243 --> 00:09:13,786 while they post your photos, 171 00:09:13,791 --> 00:09:15,178 fill out those questionnaires, 172 00:09:15,183 --> 00:09:17,212 and, oh my God, I'm gonna be sick. 173 00:09:17,217 --> 00:09:19,553 It's already done. I listed you on three different sites. 174 00:09:19,558 --> 00:09:21,556 I narrowed it down to one. I don't want to waste your time. 175 00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:24,272 - When? - Valentine's Day on my lunch break. 176 00:09:24,277 --> 00:09:25,904 Nobody buys real estate in the winter, 177 00:09:25,909 --> 00:09:27,730 so I decided to list you. 178 00:09:27,735 --> 00:09:30,293 You staged me, like an apartment? 179 00:09:30,298 --> 00:09:32,049 You're doing very well. 180 00:09:32,066 --> 00:09:34,026 There's a lot of buzz. 181 00:09:34,031 --> 00:09:36,754 - Am I? - Yeah... check it out. 182 00:09:36,759 --> 00:09:39,573 - Let me see, let me see. - Yeah, let's see! 183 00:09:39,578 --> 00:09:41,105 Oh my. 184 00:09:41,110 --> 00:09:43,070 I'll date the dog. 185 00:09:44,012 --> 00:09:46,038 Well, he's objectively handsome. 186 00:09:46,043 --> 00:09:47,211 To who? 187 00:09:48,087 --> 00:09:49,922 Why is he chewing his glasses? 188 00:09:49,927 --> 00:09:53,035 In my experience, glasses chewers are good in bed. 189 00:09:53,040 --> 00:09:55,051 Doesn't he look like he would be? 190 00:09:55,056 --> 00:09:57,225 All right, no sex for me, indefinitely. 191 00:09:57,230 --> 00:10:00,969 All I need out of this is pleasant enough conversation, 192 00:10:00,974 --> 00:10:03,059 so I can be a stocking stuffer. 193 00:10:04,035 --> 00:10:07,254 So, no sex for you... ever? 194 00:10:08,354 --> 00:10:11,463 Well, honestly, the thought of never having it again 195 00:10:11,468 --> 00:10:15,043 feels really strange, but the thought of... 196 00:10:15,815 --> 00:10:17,275 having sex with anyone 197 00:10:17,280 --> 00:10:19,551 other than Big just makes me... 198 00:10:20,788 --> 00:10:24,233 - sick to my stomach. - Yeah, makes sense. 199 00:10:24,238 --> 00:10:26,167 But maybe I've had my share of all that. 200 00:10:26,172 --> 00:10:28,132 You know, when I look back at my dating life, 201 00:10:28,137 --> 00:10:29,743 it was such a roller coaster, 202 00:10:29,748 --> 00:10:33,627 and I'm talking one of those old, wooden ones 203 00:10:33,632 --> 00:10:36,129 where it's more life-threatening than fun. 204 00:10:36,134 --> 00:10:39,804 Oh, I would kill to get back on the roller coaster. 205 00:10:39,809 --> 00:10:42,504 I've been riding the monorail for too long. 206 00:10:43,452 --> 00:10:45,639 I was hoping things were better with Steve, 207 00:10:45,644 --> 00:10:47,577 'cause you hadn't said anything. 208 00:10:47,582 --> 00:10:48,996 No. 209 00:10:49,476 --> 00:10:53,082 As I've always said, "No news is no news." 210 00:10:54,237 --> 00:11:00,284 Speaking of, what's the lifespan of an unanswered text? 211 00:11:00,618 --> 00:11:03,204 Three days, three weeks, three months? 212 00:11:03,209 --> 00:11:06,176 Three months? Try three hours. 213 00:11:09,222 --> 00:11:11,566 - Che, huh? - Yeah. 214 00:11:14,258 --> 00:11:17,303 They never ask about me at the podcast, do they? 215 00:11:19,298 --> 00:11:22,176 You know, Che's been back and forth to L.A. a few times, 216 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,892 and you... listen to the podcast. 217 00:11:24,897 --> 00:11:28,401 - They ride all the rides. - So... 218 00:11:29,693 --> 00:11:34,035 guess I'll have to file that away as a crazy one-off, 219 00:11:34,040 --> 00:11:37,519 and resign myself to having a dead sex life. 220 00:11:38,462 --> 00:11:41,424 I can't believe that I had the most 221 00:11:41,429 --> 00:11:44,019 transcendent sex of my life... 222 00:11:44,661 --> 00:11:46,663 and it'll never happen again. 223 00:11:47,940 --> 00:11:49,009 Well... 224 00:11:49,875 --> 00:11:51,832 I know how you feel. 225 00:11:52,364 --> 00:11:55,644 But Big is, actually, dead. 226 00:11:56,553 --> 00:11:59,264 Maybe your sex life with Steve is... 227 00:12:00,152 --> 00:12:03,238 - just in a deep coma? - Mm. 228 00:12:05,375 --> 00:12:07,421 - Hey, honey. - Hey! 229 00:12:07,426 --> 00:12:08,978 You havin' a little midnight toast? 230 00:12:08,983 --> 00:12:11,058 - I felt like a nosh. - Oh. 231 00:12:11,063 --> 00:12:13,686 So, I ran into Herbert Wexley on the subway today. 232 00:12:13,691 --> 00:12:16,229 Since when does Herbert Wexley ride the subway? 233 00:12:16,234 --> 00:12:18,257 My guess is he thinks it'll boost his street cred 234 00:12:18,262 --> 00:12:20,281 - if he ever runs for mayor. - Oh! 235 00:12:20,286 --> 00:12:24,316 Anyway, we bonded over our wives' mutual tennis addiction. 236 00:12:24,321 --> 00:12:25,717 Oh, that reminds me. 237 00:12:25,722 --> 00:12:27,616 We're actually playing again tomorrow morning. 238 00:12:27,621 --> 00:12:31,255 You know... I'm not half bad at tennis. 239 00:12:32,082 --> 00:12:33,787 Herbert said he played in high school. 240 00:12:33,826 --> 00:12:35,068 Uh-huh. 241 00:12:35,073 --> 00:12:38,660 How come you never ask the boys to join for some mixed doubles? 242 00:12:38,760 --> 00:12:42,764 - Never occurred to me. - Is it occurring to you now? 243 00:12:43,584 --> 00:12:48,302 Harry... would you like to play some doubles with us? 244 00:12:48,307 --> 00:12:49,990 I would love that. 245 00:12:51,926 --> 00:12:54,463 Uh, Cubana House has a table at 6:30. 246 00:12:54,468 --> 00:12:56,734 - Are we feeling Cuban tonight? - Sí. 247 00:12:57,406 --> 00:12:59,258 - Why is this guy on my tail? - Car play activated. 248 00:12:59,262 --> 00:13:02,776 Text from Miranda: "So sorry you're not pregnant, 249 00:13:02,781 --> 00:13:05,968 and I hope it went well when you told AR." 250 00:13:06,368 --> 00:13:07,940 - Shit! - Wait... Just, Nya. 251 00:13:07,944 --> 00:13:09,201 - Just stop. Just drive. - "You two seem like a really 252 00:13:09,205 --> 00:13:10,910 - "strong, happy couple." - It's too late. 253 00:13:10,915 --> 00:13:12,621 - It's too late. I heard it. - "Heart emoji." 254 00:13:12,625 --> 00:13:14,648 - "Heart emoji. Miranda." - Sorry. 255 00:13:14,653 --> 00:13:16,780 I was gonna tell you I got my period. 256 00:13:17,041 --> 00:13:19,601 And you, you told one of your students before you told me? 257 00:13:19,606 --> 00:13:22,398 - Well, not exactly. It was... - Red light, red light! 258 00:13:23,131 --> 00:13:25,460 Oh! My God! 259 00:13:26,486 --> 00:13:29,929 - Sorry, are you okay? - No, I'm not okay. 260 00:13:31,034 --> 00:13:32,599 You want to tell me why I'm learnin' this news 261 00:13:32,603 --> 00:13:34,720 from Stephen Hawking instead of my own wife? 262 00:13:34,725 --> 00:13:37,093 Excuse me? Yes, hello. 263 00:13:37,098 --> 00:13:38,685 You might wanna watch where you're going! 264 00:13:38,689 --> 00:13:41,067 - I'm really sorry. - It's a red light! 265 00:13:41,072 --> 00:13:43,283 I mean, open your eyes! It's a crosswalk! 266 00:13:43,288 --> 00:13:46,195 - Sir, she said she was sorry. - I have a toddler! 267 00:13:46,200 --> 00:13:47,826 Okay, sir, you need to check yourself. 268 00:13:47,831 --> 00:13:49,564 You need to check yourself! 269 00:13:49,569 --> 00:13:51,121 Is he seriously comin' for me? 270 00:13:51,126 --> 00:13:52,827 I have a toddler! 271 00:13:53,561 --> 00:13:55,694 I have a toddler! 272 00:13:59,907 --> 00:14:01,992 He has a toddler. 273 00:14:09,259 --> 00:14:12,096 Look, I'm, I'm really, really sorry. 274 00:14:12,429 --> 00:14:14,306 "Sorry that I learned about it from a robot," 275 00:14:14,311 --> 00:14:15,890 or, "Sorry this isn't happenin'?" 276 00:14:16,263 --> 00:14:17,514 Both. 277 00:14:41,922 --> 00:14:43,499 We're comin' to get you guys. Look out! 278 00:14:43,504 --> 00:14:45,366 Yeah, that's what you think! 279 00:14:47,277 --> 00:14:49,140 Nice shot! 280 00:14:50,070 --> 00:14:52,721 - Got this one. - Nice shot. 281 00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:54,226 Good one, babe. 282 00:14:54,231 --> 00:14:55,732 - Uh! - Nice, baby. 283 00:14:55,737 --> 00:14:57,364 No! 284 00:14:58,429 --> 00:15:00,311 Babe, you gotta go for the ball. 285 00:15:00,316 --> 00:15:02,151 I told you, don't hold back. 286 00:15:02,312 --> 00:15:03,897 I could say the same to you. 287 00:15:05,077 --> 00:15:07,068 You know what they call this part of the court, don't ya? 288 00:15:07,072 --> 00:15:09,033 - Divorce Alley. - Whatever. 289 00:15:09,038 --> 00:15:11,650 This is match point. Let's just stay loose. We got this. 290 00:15:11,655 --> 00:15:13,412 - Let's go, guys. - Here we go. 291 00:15:15,090 --> 00:15:16,508 I got it! 292 00:15:18,061 --> 00:15:20,416 It's yours! Sorry. 293 00:15:20,500 --> 00:15:21,749 Damn you! 294 00:15:21,833 --> 00:15:23,624 Woo! 295 00:15:24,257 --> 00:15:27,963 Woo! Oh, honey, are you okay? 296 00:15:27,968 --> 00:15:30,280 I'm okay, I'm okay. 297 00:15:30,285 --> 00:15:33,705 Just an old Jewish guy tryin' to play sports. 298 00:15:34,028 --> 00:15:35,804 That was thrilling! 299 00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:38,854 I'm so relieved. It can be dicey to play with other couples 300 00:15:38,859 --> 00:15:40,502 'cause you never know how it's gonna go, 301 00:15:40,507 --> 00:15:43,096 but I think we were really well matched. 302 00:15:43,101 --> 00:15:44,791 Why are you so quiet, Harry? 303 00:15:44,796 --> 00:15:47,140 Well, don't you have somethin' you want to say to me? 304 00:15:47,145 --> 00:15:49,976 - Like what? - Maybe, "I'm sorry." 305 00:15:49,981 --> 00:15:52,943 - Sorry for what? - Ya knocked me over, babe. 306 00:15:52,948 --> 00:15:56,034 - By accident. - Yeah, but you never even said "sorry." 307 00:15:56,039 --> 00:15:57,515 It hurt my feelings. 308 00:15:58,351 --> 00:15:59,937 Are you serious right now? 309 00:16:00,429 --> 00:16:03,165 - It's common courtesy. - We were playing tennis. 310 00:16:03,170 --> 00:16:05,308 And there's no rule against the word "sorry" in tennis. 311 00:16:05,312 --> 00:16:08,982 I went for the ball, which you had literally just mansplained me to do. 312 00:16:09,420 --> 00:16:11,935 - Wait, what now? - You heard me. 313 00:16:11,940 --> 00:16:14,025 You can be a bit of a mansplainer, 314 00:16:14,030 --> 00:16:15,672 but I had let it go on the court 315 00:16:15,677 --> 00:16:17,594 because you're my partner, and you have to let 316 00:16:17,599 --> 00:16:19,837 the annoying stuff go if you wanna win. 317 00:16:19,842 --> 00:16:22,685 And we did win, but I got knocked down in the process, 318 00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:24,584 and I'm just asking for a simple apology. 319 00:16:24,589 --> 00:16:25,610 That's insane! 320 00:16:25,615 --> 00:16:28,570 - I'm not apologizing! - What's the big deal? It's two words! 321 00:16:28,582 --> 00:16:30,083 You're making it a big deal 322 00:16:30,088 --> 00:16:31,589 by bringing it up in the first place! 323 00:16:31,594 --> 00:16:33,655 I could argue that you're making it an even bigger deal 324 00:16:33,659 --> 00:16:37,371 by refusing to apologize. Why is this so hard for you? 325 00:16:37,376 --> 00:16:41,213 Because I have nothing to apologize for. 326 00:16:41,218 --> 00:16:44,164 We were playing a game. What is wrong with you? 327 00:16:44,169 --> 00:16:45,810 Are you five years old now? 328 00:16:45,815 --> 00:16:47,876 No, I just feel like I'm owed an apology. 329 00:16:47,881 --> 00:16:51,004 What is your goddamn problem?! 330 00:16:51,009 --> 00:16:55,618 I will not apologize for playing good tennis! 331 00:16:55,623 --> 00:16:58,326 You're driving me fucking crazy! 332 00:17:06,667 --> 00:17:09,967 Great... now they think we're that couple. 333 00:17:09,972 --> 00:17:11,217 What couple? 334 00:17:11,386 --> 00:17:14,180 The couple who fights in the street. 335 00:17:16,334 --> 00:17:19,825 Goddammit. If Frank bails on me one more time... 336 00:17:19,830 --> 00:17:23,333 - I'm down to one busboy now. - Oh, I'm sorry. That sucks. 337 00:17:23,338 --> 00:17:24,338 Yeah. 338 00:17:25,330 --> 00:17:28,818 - Hey... I have an idea. - Just a sec. 339 00:17:28,823 --> 00:17:29,991 Mm-hm. 340 00:17:31,083 --> 00:17:32,131 Whoa. 341 00:17:32,136 --> 00:17:37,837 Wait, wait, wait. Hey, ooh. Hey. 342 00:17:37,842 --> 00:17:42,045 - What's... come over you? - I'm, I'm just in the mood. 343 00:17:42,050 --> 00:17:44,162 It's been too long for me. 344 00:17:47,280 --> 00:17:49,474 Okay, but it's not even 7:00. 345 00:17:49,479 --> 00:17:51,513 Brady and Luisa might be comin' through that door. 346 00:17:51,518 --> 00:17:52,693 Then hurry! 347 00:17:52,698 --> 00:17:55,409 Kiss my neck. Come on, do it. 348 00:17:58,598 --> 00:18:00,057 Finger me. 349 00:18:01,103 --> 00:18:02,998 - Really? - Yeah, really. 350 00:18:05,527 --> 00:18:07,107 Hey. Hang on. 351 00:18:13,016 --> 00:18:14,998 I'm a little rusty. 352 00:18:25,102 --> 00:18:26,584 Oh. 353 00:18:30,927 --> 00:18:32,303 Is that right? 354 00:18:33,209 --> 00:18:36,193 Um... well... 355 00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:39,459 um, here, here. Here try this. 356 00:18:39,464 --> 00:18:41,592 - Huh? - Here. 357 00:18:41,954 --> 00:18:43,592 Mm. 358 00:18:54,529 --> 00:18:55,963 You're a little... Yeah. 359 00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,709 You want me to go get some lube? 360 00:18:57,714 --> 00:19:02,719 Uh... no. I mean, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll get it. I'll get it. 361 00:19:03,843 --> 00:19:07,140 You, uh, you want me to put the lid on this, 362 00:19:07,145 --> 00:19:09,099 and put it in the fridge, huh? 363 00:19:09,346 --> 00:19:11,576 - Sure. - They smell. 364 00:19:11,581 --> 00:19:14,912 Yeah, I, I guess I should finish loading. 365 00:19:17,513 --> 00:19:21,989 Are you sure? You really had me goin' there for a minute? 366 00:19:21,994 --> 00:19:25,330 Uh-huh. Let's, Let's just have dessert. 367 00:19:56,357 --> 00:19:58,076 Hi, I'm Carrie. 368 00:19:58,081 --> 00:20:01,146 - Peter. It's nice to meet you. - Yeah, likewise. 369 00:20:16,798 --> 00:20:17,998 So... 370 00:20:20,004 --> 00:20:22,048 I have to admit, um... 371 00:20:23,359 --> 00:20:26,362 this is my first date since my wife died. 372 00:20:26,367 --> 00:20:29,516 Really? Yeah, me too. 373 00:20:29,873 --> 00:20:31,164 Oh. 374 00:20:31,271 --> 00:20:32,865 Okay. 375 00:20:33,839 --> 00:20:36,490 How did your husband die, if you don't mind me asking? 376 00:20:36,495 --> 00:20:39,582 No, um... he had a heart attack. 377 00:20:40,663 --> 00:20:43,818 - And your wife? - Cancer, uh, ovarian. 378 00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,474 God. 379 00:20:53,684 --> 00:20:55,728 I think we're gonna need some drinks. 380 00:20:58,107 --> 00:21:00,193 Yes. 381 00:21:04,632 --> 00:21:06,593 I can't. I can't. 382 00:21:06,598 --> 00:21:09,068 I don't... 383 00:21:11,194 --> 00:21:12,975 Oh my God! 384 00:21:12,980 --> 00:21:15,357 Oh. 385 00:21:18,255 --> 00:21:20,928 Oh my God, I'm sorry. 386 00:21:23,443 --> 00:21:24,849 Ugh. 387 00:21:25,593 --> 00:21:27,114 Arbor School parents, 388 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:28,951 we all know why we're here this evening, right? 389 00:21:28,955 --> 00:21:30,873 We are here to raise money, 390 00:21:30,878 --> 00:21:33,505 and I want to see all of those arms raised 391 00:21:33,510 --> 00:21:36,740 when my lovely, lovely co-host, Lisa, 392 00:21:36,745 --> 00:21:39,813 tells you about the next item that we have up for auction. 393 00:21:39,818 --> 00:21:43,219 Number 7278, a rock-climbing expedition. 394 00:21:43,224 --> 00:21:46,221 - Speak, speak into the microphone. - Oh, sorry. 395 00:21:46,226 --> 00:21:48,662 I'm not an entertainer. 396 00:21:48,851 --> 00:21:51,735 Number 7278, a rock-climbing expedition. 397 00:21:51,740 --> 00:21:53,826 Sweetheart, speak into the microphone, 398 00:21:53,831 --> 00:21:54,998 or they won't hear you. 399 00:21:55,003 --> 00:21:59,297 Number 7278, a rock-climbing expedition. 400 00:21:59,302 --> 00:22:01,346 For up to five people! 401 00:22:01,351 --> 00:22:03,167 Apologies to my readers. 402 00:22:03,172 --> 00:22:05,652 There is no light at the end of the tunnel. 403 00:22:05,657 --> 00:22:08,140 - Just vomit. - That's awful! 404 00:22:08,145 --> 00:22:10,490 You're the one that started this whole dating again. 405 00:22:10,495 --> 00:22:13,331 - Me? It was Oprah. - Just take the hit. 406 00:22:13,665 --> 00:22:15,542 I once shit myself on a date. 407 00:22:16,937 --> 00:22:19,503 - What? I'm empathizing. - I appreciate it, 408 00:22:19,508 --> 00:22:25,260 but unless you shit yourself on a date after your husband died, 409 00:22:25,265 --> 00:22:26,840 I win "worst night ever." 410 00:22:26,845 --> 00:22:28,502 Congratulations. 411 00:22:29,614 --> 00:22:31,497 I can't find the Stephen Colbert taping 412 00:22:31,502 --> 00:22:33,936 that Lily made us swear we'd win for her in the silent auction. 413 00:22:33,940 --> 00:22:36,386 That was for Rock, and I already bid on it. 414 00:22:36,391 --> 00:22:39,044 Lily wants the vintage sneaker thing. 415 00:22:39,049 --> 00:22:41,720 You guys, I have to go help Harry, sorry. 416 00:22:42,194 --> 00:22:44,696 What? Did you hear what you just said just then? 417 00:22:44,701 --> 00:22:47,627 - What? - "Sorry." You said "sorry." 418 00:22:48,689 --> 00:22:50,880 How did you shit yourself on a date? 419 00:22:50,885 --> 00:22:52,318 Oh, good. We're back here. 420 00:22:52,323 --> 00:22:53,916 Seventh grade. 421 00:22:53,921 --> 00:22:56,924 My parents made me take Connie Delucca out for ice cream. 422 00:22:57,000 --> 00:23:00,642 Ten minutes in, my shorts were filled with chocolate chocolate chip. 423 00:23:01,497 --> 00:23:05,251 - My body knew. - Yeah... I still win. 424 00:23:05,256 --> 00:23:08,885 Followed by dessert at Serendipity. 425 00:23:09,179 --> 00:23:12,650 Yes... so... 426 00:23:13,148 --> 00:23:15,972 And we're gonna start the bidding at $500, 427 00:23:15,977 --> 00:23:19,314 which... could cover a single piece of cake there. 428 00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:23,158 Uh... 429 00:23:25,831 --> 00:23:26,831 The point is, it just... 430 00:23:26,836 --> 00:23:28,051 It rolled off your tongue, 431 00:23:28,056 --> 00:23:29,699 you know, no big deal, no drama, 432 00:23:29,704 --> 00:23:33,286 so, you know, why can't it just roll off your tongue to me? 433 00:23:33,291 --> 00:23:34,500 Because it can't. 434 00:23:34,505 --> 00:23:36,525 Oh, look! Here are the sneakers. 435 00:23:36,530 --> 00:23:40,137 You have said it 12 times since we left the house tonight. 436 00:23:40,142 --> 00:23:43,296 - You've been counting? - I'm a man on a mission. 437 00:23:43,301 --> 00:23:45,094 And the last time was just a minute ago 438 00:23:45,099 --> 00:23:48,158 to a lady in the lobby who bumped into you. 439 00:23:48,663 --> 00:23:52,959 Exactly. Women apologize to the whole world 440 00:23:53,058 --> 00:23:55,352 all day long for everything. 441 00:23:55,357 --> 00:23:58,777 Tennis is the one place that I don't have to do that. 442 00:23:59,111 --> 00:24:01,439 So, as Demi Lovato would say... 443 00:24:01,444 --> 00:24:04,260 "Sorry... not sorry." 444 00:24:08,289 --> 00:24:10,083 Do they have any couples counseling sessions 445 00:24:10,088 --> 00:24:12,197 anyone can bid on anywhere here? 446 00:24:13,616 --> 00:24:16,241 I'm just gonna go back in, and tell Amanda 447 00:24:16,246 --> 00:24:19,517 I didn't find that glimmer of hope. 448 00:24:19,953 --> 00:24:22,119 Guess my book's dead, too. 449 00:24:23,359 --> 00:24:27,030 Darn. My sad book keeps getting sadder. 450 00:24:27,035 --> 00:24:29,095 Speaking of dead things... 451 00:24:30,176 --> 00:24:35,222 I tried to revive my sex life with Steve the other day. 452 00:24:35,511 --> 00:24:37,924 I, I really tried hard, 453 00:24:37,929 --> 00:24:41,635 and I'm afraid... the patient is non-responsive. 454 00:24:42,558 --> 00:24:46,395 - So... no pulse? - No pulse at all. 455 00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:48,752 It was like two dead people 456 00:24:48,757 --> 00:24:51,510 trying to get it on, like zombie sex. 457 00:24:51,823 --> 00:24:54,868 And you're sure you guys wouldn't consider going back to a therapist? 458 00:24:54,873 --> 00:24:57,543 We tried twice. We don't need a therapist. 459 00:24:57,548 --> 00:24:59,564 We need the cast of "The Walking Dead." 460 00:25:00,582 --> 00:25:02,630 Listen, before we get to all of that, 461 00:25:02,635 --> 00:25:06,598 we have a special treat that we know you're going to enjoy. 462 00:25:06,603 --> 00:25:09,486 Someone you'll be grateful to hear is not the two of us. 463 00:25:10,994 --> 00:25:12,714 Yes, you can see 464 00:25:12,719 --> 00:25:15,972 - this amazing performer... - Use the mic. I beg of you. 465 00:25:15,977 --> 00:25:19,179 In their Netflix comedy special "Check the Box," 466 00:25:19,184 --> 00:25:21,895 - put your hands together for Che Diaz! - Che Diaz! 467 00:25:27,368 --> 00:25:29,908 Hi! Yes, aw! 468 00:25:30,140 --> 00:25:32,235 Uh, you know what? I'll just take hers. She's not using it. 469 00:25:32,239 --> 00:25:34,650 Hey! 470 00:25:34,655 --> 00:25:36,655 Woo! How we all doin' tonight? 471 00:25:38,875 --> 00:25:42,545 Yeah, you know, this auction's taking longer than I did to come out. 472 00:25:42,636 --> 00:25:43,888 It's wild. 473 00:25:43,893 --> 00:25:46,080 So, listen, I usually do about a 40-minute set, 474 00:25:46,085 --> 00:25:48,500 but don't worry, they've asked me to keep it clean, 475 00:25:48,505 --> 00:25:51,532 so I should be done here in about three minutes. Yeah. 476 00:25:55,225 --> 00:25:57,767 That's Che! Che's performing? 477 00:25:57,772 --> 00:26:00,478 Oh, yeah. You know what, Charlotte roped me into participating, 478 00:26:00,483 --> 00:26:03,689 then I roped in Che, which, actually, wasn't that big... 479 00:26:04,510 --> 00:26:09,017 Oh, okay, well. The cheese stands alone. 480 00:26:11,903 --> 00:26:13,377 Oh my God. 481 00:26:16,236 --> 00:26:18,513 Well, I am not getting laid tonight. 482 00:26:18,518 --> 00:26:20,782 Zero hotties here, except for the servers, 483 00:26:20,787 --> 00:26:23,028 and I have a strict no cater-waiter policy. 484 00:26:23,033 --> 00:26:24,697 He's here. 485 00:26:24,702 --> 00:26:26,746 - Who? - The teacher I went 486 00:26:26,751 --> 00:26:28,484 on a date with last night. 487 00:26:28,907 --> 00:26:31,451 - Professor Puke? Where? - Mm-hm, mm-hm, mm-hm. 488 00:26:31,456 --> 00:26:35,714 He's, um, he's at the bar. Wait, is that even him? 489 00:26:35,719 --> 00:26:38,259 It's hard to tell because I'm seeing more than the tops of his shoes. 490 00:26:38,263 --> 00:26:40,519 You know what? Stand in front of me. 491 00:26:41,798 --> 00:26:43,403 It's all right. Thanks. Have a good night. 492 00:26:43,407 --> 00:26:44,769 Is he leaving? 493 00:26:45,808 --> 00:26:48,035 Oh, yeah, it's okay. He's leaving, okay. 494 00:26:48,040 --> 00:26:50,136 You know what? Can you follow him out, 495 00:26:50,141 --> 00:26:53,477 and then come back and tell me when you're sure 496 00:26:53,492 --> 00:26:56,161 he's out of the building and gone? 497 00:26:56,166 --> 00:26:59,127 You want me to off him, too? What am I, Mossad? 498 00:26:59,272 --> 00:27:02,782 - My husband died. - You get one more of those. 499 00:27:02,787 --> 00:27:05,066 Okay. Go. Fast. 500 00:27:05,464 --> 00:27:08,830 We know we're not your core demo, but we love you. 501 00:27:08,835 --> 00:27:10,406 - Aww. - Yeah. She turned me on to you. 502 00:27:10,411 --> 00:27:12,660 I watched your special, like, I don't know, like, 10 times. 503 00:27:12,664 --> 00:27:14,383 My husband's like, "Veronica, what's goin' on with you?" 504 00:27:14,387 --> 00:27:16,678 I did. I read that piece on you in "Vulture" and got addicted. 505 00:27:16,682 --> 00:27:18,089 - Ohh. - Addicted. 506 00:27:25,315 --> 00:27:27,742 But we're fans for life, like, for life. 507 00:27:28,437 --> 00:27:32,812 Listen, I so appreciate this. I see someone I know, 508 00:27:32,817 --> 00:27:34,976 - so I'm just, uh... - Do your thing. 509 00:27:34,981 --> 00:27:37,094 - We'll be here a while. - Okay. Okay! 510 00:27:37,099 --> 00:27:38,851 Fans for life! 511 00:27:39,246 --> 00:27:43,156 Hey, Rambo. Were you just gonna leave without saying hello? 512 00:27:43,161 --> 00:27:46,581 Oh, hi. No. I, I mean, um... you were, you were busy, 513 00:27:46,586 --> 00:27:49,621 and I, I was standing there... for a while, 514 00:27:49,626 --> 00:27:52,542 and it, it looked like that was... gonna take a while, 515 00:27:52,547 --> 00:27:54,307 so, I just, you know, I called an Uber. 516 00:27:54,312 --> 00:27:56,606 Mmm. Okay, okay. 517 00:27:57,131 --> 00:27:59,187 So, how have you been? 518 00:27:59,192 --> 00:28:01,403 I've been fine, thank you. And yourself? 519 00:28:02,608 --> 00:28:04,518 What's... going on? 520 00:28:04,523 --> 00:28:06,267 Why are you, why're you being weird? 521 00:28:06,272 --> 00:28:08,039 Well, I don't know how to be... 522 00:28:08,624 --> 00:28:10,359 You never wrote me back. 523 00:28:11,215 --> 00:28:12,930 You wrote me? 524 00:28:13,584 --> 00:28:15,851 DM'd me back or whatever. 525 00:28:17,711 --> 00:28:20,758 - Well, when did you DM me? - Like three months ago. 526 00:28:20,763 --> 00:28:24,517 Three months? Miranda... I-I've done a ton of weed. 527 00:28:24,522 --> 00:28:27,692 I, I can't... I can barely remember three hours ago. 528 00:28:27,697 --> 00:28:29,195 Plus, I get a lot of DMs. 529 00:28:30,375 --> 00:28:32,625 - I'm sure. - Okay, no. 530 00:28:32,630 --> 00:28:35,508 I meant there's so much volume. 531 00:28:35,513 --> 00:28:38,956 I, I wasn't being a dick. I just... I, I seriously just didn't clock it, 532 00:28:38,961 --> 00:28:40,301 and I'm sorry. 533 00:28:40,306 --> 00:28:43,392 You're busy. I'm busy. It's all good. 534 00:28:45,844 --> 00:28:48,378 Did I just say, "It's all good?" 535 00:28:48,383 --> 00:28:50,719 You should've just DM'd me again. 536 00:28:50,979 --> 00:28:55,078 Ask for what you want. That's a turn-on. 537 00:28:55,700 --> 00:28:57,812 I didn't know that. 538 00:28:59,150 --> 00:29:00,867 I'll tell you what I want... 539 00:29:01,716 --> 00:29:04,961 I wanna go someplace with you... 540 00:29:06,067 --> 00:29:08,289 and take off all your clothes. 541 00:29:09,202 --> 00:29:11,246 - Really? - Really. 542 00:29:17,732 --> 00:29:19,914 Well, my Uber is here. 543 00:29:20,328 --> 00:29:22,711 I have a 7:00 AM flight. I have to go. 544 00:29:22,716 --> 00:29:24,476 No, you can't go. The auction's not finished. 545 00:29:24,481 --> 00:29:26,021 You didn't tell me the drama club was doing 546 00:29:26,025 --> 00:29:27,690 three songs from "Dear Evan Hansen." 547 00:29:27,695 --> 00:29:30,805 - I love you so much. - Yeah, 7:00 AM flight. 548 00:29:30,810 --> 00:29:33,385 - You can finish this without me. - Are you crazy?! 549 00:29:33,390 --> 00:29:36,681 I am awful! I can see it in people's eyes. 550 00:29:36,686 --> 00:29:38,646 They're like, "Oh god, not her again." 551 00:29:38,651 --> 00:29:40,566 What do you care if other people think you're awful? 552 00:29:40,570 --> 00:29:42,238 How could you say that to me? 553 00:29:42,523 --> 00:29:44,277 - Say what? - That I'm awful. 554 00:29:44,282 --> 00:29:46,701 - I didn't say that. - Y... Okay... 555 00:29:46,706 --> 00:29:48,620 Mr. Improv holdin' all the cards. 556 00:29:48,625 --> 00:29:52,160 I'm out there humiliated, doing my best, 557 00:29:52,165 --> 00:29:54,079 and you're gonna stand here and say that I'm awful? 558 00:29:54,083 --> 00:29:56,461 No, no, no. I said that people... 559 00:29:56,466 --> 00:29:59,229 I didn't say that. I said people, people said that you were awful, 560 00:29:59,234 --> 00:30:01,042 - but I didn't... - Hi. 561 00:30:01,047 --> 00:30:03,020 We-we-we're just lookin' for the restrooms. 562 00:30:03,025 --> 00:30:05,653 - Hey! - Yeah. Yeah! 563 00:30:06,833 --> 00:30:08,003 Sorry. 564 00:30:08,008 --> 00:30:10,370 - No, no. - I'm so sorry. 565 00:30:10,375 --> 00:30:12,435 Uh, watch your step there. 566 00:30:16,439 --> 00:30:20,005 Oh, great. Now they think we're that couple. 567 00:30:20,010 --> 00:30:22,065 - Yeah, I'm sorry. - Give it up for the Arbor School 568 00:30:22,070 --> 00:30:24,247 drama department, ladies and gentlemen. 569 00:30:24,794 --> 00:30:28,653 I love you, baby. How can I make it up to you? 570 00:30:30,060 --> 00:30:32,208 The Arbor School drama department, everyone! 571 00:30:32,213 --> 00:30:35,870 And sold! Item number 8248, 572 00:30:35,875 --> 00:30:39,352 a case of wine donated by a seventh-grade parent from... 573 00:30:39,357 --> 00:30:42,294 wow, vineyard in Tuscany. 574 00:30:44,192 --> 00:30:45,464 Enjoy your wine, all right! 575 00:30:45,468 --> 00:30:47,458 Carrie, you can't leave. 576 00:30:47,463 --> 00:30:49,609 Your item hasn't even been auctioned off yet. 577 00:30:49,614 --> 00:30:51,761 I'm sorry, but according to Gay Mata Hari, 578 00:30:51,766 --> 00:30:53,096 this is my window. 579 00:30:53,101 --> 00:30:57,190 A date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw, huh? 580 00:30:57,695 --> 00:31:01,115 - It was lunch, a lunch date. - That's... 581 00:31:01,120 --> 00:31:02,355 That's what I told them. 582 00:31:02,360 --> 00:31:04,120 I was only on the gathering committee, 583 00:31:04,125 --> 00:31:05,584 not on the program committee. 584 00:31:05,589 --> 00:31:07,694 A date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw. 585 00:31:07,699 --> 00:31:09,511 Starting bid, $500. 586 00:31:09,516 --> 00:31:12,589 And sex writer? Like what-what-what? Like I write porn? 587 00:31:12,594 --> 00:31:16,920 Um, you know what? It-it's not a date. It's a lunch date. 588 00:31:16,925 --> 00:31:20,581 And she's not a sex writer. She writes about relationships, 589 00:31:20,586 --> 00:31:22,776 - and the nuances that go... - Okay, please stop. 590 00:31:22,781 --> 00:31:23,865 Please, please stop. 591 00:31:23,870 --> 00:31:27,222 Okay, thank you for that clarification, Charlotte, um... 592 00:31:27,227 --> 00:31:31,273 Carrie Bradshaw... Is that who...? That's Carrie Bradshaw. 593 00:31:31,278 --> 00:31:33,572 Ladies and gentlemen, Carrie Bradshaw. 594 00:31:33,726 --> 00:31:35,517 Why don't you come on up here and help me out? 595 00:31:35,521 --> 00:31:37,340 - Lord knows I need it, right? - Oh, no, no, no. 596 00:31:37,344 --> 00:31:38,647 You're doing just fine, just fine. 597 00:31:38,651 --> 00:31:41,107 Oh, come on. Come on, for the kids. 598 00:31:41,112 --> 00:31:43,573 Hey, a round of applause for Carrie Bradshaw, everybody. 599 00:31:43,578 --> 00:31:46,284 - Our friendship is now over. - Come on, it's for the kids. 600 00:31:47,447 --> 00:31:48,847 Hello. 601 00:31:49,230 --> 00:31:52,667 - I'm good, Herbert. How are you? - All right, starting bid... 602 00:31:54,739 --> 00:31:57,576 Date with sex writer Carrie Bradshaw, $500. 603 00:31:58,948 --> 00:32:00,378 Anyone? 604 00:32:00,383 --> 00:32:03,787 - Can't! We're all married. - Ah, that's true. 605 00:32:03,792 --> 00:32:07,216 But it is a lunch date, not sex, right? 606 00:32:07,221 --> 00:32:09,761 Definitely not sex. 607 00:32:10,503 --> 00:32:11,966 $500. 608 00:32:11,971 --> 00:32:14,490 Oh, $450. $450, yeah. 609 00:32:14,495 --> 00:32:16,267 - There we go, $450. - No, no, no, no. 610 00:32:16,272 --> 00:32:19,275 We, we have a spill here. We need a waiter. 611 00:32:19,280 --> 00:32:21,355 - Okay... - Do something! 612 00:32:21,360 --> 00:32:24,187 She's about to implode like the house at the end of "Poltergeist." 613 00:32:24,192 --> 00:32:26,767 $700! $700! 614 00:32:26,772 --> 00:32:27,933 Oh, dear. 615 00:32:27,938 --> 00:32:30,136 - $700. - $800! 616 00:32:30,141 --> 00:32:32,022 Well, now Charlotte's biddin' against herself. 617 00:32:32,027 --> 00:32:34,136 Pump the brakes, babe. Pump the brakes. 618 00:32:34,141 --> 00:32:36,018 You know what? I bid a thousand. 619 00:32:36,300 --> 00:32:38,785 I bid a thousand, and now, you can, uh... 620 00:32:38,869 --> 00:32:41,412 - Okay, a thousand dollars. - Yep. 621 00:32:41,417 --> 00:32:45,269 Going once... Going twice. 622 00:32:45,648 --> 00:32:47,233 $1,050. 623 00:32:49,371 --> 00:32:51,597 $1,050. 624 00:32:51,602 --> 00:32:53,987 Once, twice, sold, $1,050. 625 00:32:53,992 --> 00:32:56,849 Uh-oh. He must've snuck back in when I was in the men's room 626 00:32:56,854 --> 00:32:59,003 getting a handjob from that cater-waiter. 627 00:33:05,167 --> 00:33:06,210 Carrie. 628 00:33:08,319 --> 00:33:10,628 - Hi. - Hi. 629 00:33:10,633 --> 00:33:12,985 - Uh... - Well, what are the odds? 630 00:33:12,990 --> 00:33:16,269 Wait, you're a, you're a math teacher. You probably know. 631 00:33:16,274 --> 00:33:21,269 Well, it definitely involves an X to the... power of hangover. 632 00:33:22,119 --> 00:33:23,871 Listen, uh, don't worry. 633 00:33:23,876 --> 00:33:26,003 We-we don't actually have to go out again. 634 00:33:26,008 --> 00:33:29,460 Yeah. And I'm happy to cover your bid. 635 00:33:29,465 --> 00:33:30,966 - Oh, no. - You know, that was clearly 636 00:33:30,971 --> 00:33:33,192 charity for all parties. 637 00:33:33,197 --> 00:33:35,239 No, no, no, no. I wouldn't think of it. 638 00:33:35,419 --> 00:33:38,075 I'm impressed you even remember the subject I teach. 639 00:33:38,080 --> 00:33:40,130 Oh, uh, that's the extent, really. 640 00:33:40,434 --> 00:33:42,465 Well, we should go out again. 641 00:33:42,556 --> 00:33:44,183 We have so much to discuss. 642 00:33:44,434 --> 00:33:45,815 Like, how did I get home? 643 00:33:46,515 --> 00:33:48,695 Did, did we even pay for those drinks? 644 00:33:48,700 --> 00:33:52,321 - Oh, we paid. - Yes, yes we did. 645 00:33:53,070 --> 00:33:56,723 Oh... yeah, okay. Let's do it. 646 00:33:57,459 --> 00:34:00,712 - It's for the kids. - For the kids, yes. 647 00:34:01,956 --> 00:34:03,505 - Okay. - Okay. 648 00:34:03,510 --> 00:34:05,178 - Good night. - Good night, okay. 649 00:34:07,586 --> 00:34:10,762 I've never felt anything so intense in my life. 650 00:34:14,155 --> 00:34:16,137 I think I'm in love with you. 651 00:34:20,926 --> 00:34:25,044 You're in love with you... with me. 652 00:34:26,473 --> 00:34:29,267 And the weed doesn't hurt. 653 00:34:29,272 --> 00:34:34,223 No, no. It's not just that. 654 00:34:38,060 --> 00:34:40,103 True, I'm also very good at sex. 655 00:34:41,220 --> 00:34:44,372 You... are. 656 00:35:08,309 --> 00:35:10,817 _ 657 00:35:38,436 --> 00:35:42,653 And just like that... I found a glimmer of hope. 49446

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