All language subtitles for The Almighty Johnsons s03e07 Typical Auckland God.eng

I might not come back at all!

Just because you're hanging out
with the king of running away

- does not mean you have to turn into him.
- Axl: Fishing it is.

- Fishing.
- And then onto Norsewood.

There is nothing there
for you. Good luck, son.

All I want as my campaign posters, portraits
of people with the words, "My city".

I want Dawn to be foremost
among the portraits.

- This isn't Norsewood.
- You need to be here for now.

No one comes to Fungamungamoa
without a reason.

It's gone, my Lord. Hammer of the gods.
It's fallen into the hand of bandits.

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Suzy: Hey.

- Want to play a game?
- Um...

Sure.

It's called the Game of Remembering,

starting with the name of the
woman naked under your t-shirt.

Suzy.

Correct. Good start, player numer one.

And you are where?

Uh...in your room above
the bar where you work.

And we got here how?

Derek threw up on me.

Correct, player number one.

And then?

One foot in front of the
other, Derek. Like we practiced.

I prayed for you to come, my
Lord, and now you are here.

- It's a miracle.
- Axl. Uncle Derek, my name is Axl.

Yes, my Lord,

but now we can claim it back.

- Axl: Claim what?
- The hammer. The hammer.

- You okay with this, Tom?
- You can never resist.

You talked him out of his trousers.

I'm good at talking men
out of their trousers.

Tom, give me your trousers.

- Sorry?
- Axl's are all covered in spew.

Alright, but you're explaining to Carey.

And then?

And then there was drinking.

A lot of drinking.

And then?

Nope.

Nothing.

Complete blank.

You know what happens when you
lose the Game of Remembering, right?

No.

Tell me.

You have to do the bits you forgot

all over again.

Oh no.

Sync & corrections by MalkaviaN
www.subsfactory.it

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They're everywhere I
go, all over the city.

Everywhere you go, the face of your
unrequited love staring down at you.

I can see how that might gall.

This isn't about Dawn.

It isn't.

Okay, yes it is, but only to
the extent that he is using her.

Anders he or Colin he?

Both.

But mainly Colin. But also
Anders for letting him.

- We need to do something.
- Well...

- I won't be voting for him.
- I don't mean Colin.

I mean Anders. He's working
for this family's mortal enemy.

Derek, I brought your Ute back.

Derek?

Derek!

You're not going to chuck
on me again, are you?

I would never vomit on the Allfather.

He would have my head.

If you say so.

Do you have handmaidens with you?

No.

I haven't worn these
since Delphine left home.

I guess Tom or whatever
his wife's name is, Carey,

must have put you in them.

When he got you home last night.

How could you let them, my Lord?

- Put you to bed and tidy your room?
- Let them into my house?

Who knows what indignities
they've performed upon me.

My mortal enemies.

In my beloved Bilskirnir.
I feel defiled.

Okay, I thought Tom was, like,
your neighbour or something.

But they are bandits, my Lord...

who took Mj�*lnir to render me weak.

- They took your hammer?
- Yes!

But now you're here. You can

force them to return it.

Have you tried to go
and ask for it back?

I beg you, Lord Odin,

all-knowing ruled of
Midgard and all the realms,

please, do this one thing
for your humble soldier.

- Hi.
- Axl, hello.

Your trousers. Suzy
washed and ironed them.

She's good like that. Thank you.

Actually, can I have a
bit of a word with you?

I know Derek can be a
bit of a handful at times.

Well yeah, that's putting it mildly.

And I don't exactly know what
his problem is at the moment.

Being a bigoted pig would
be a good place to start.

Axl, this is Carey. Carey, Axl.
The one I told you about last night.

Oh, the one who has the misfortune
of being related to MC Hammer.

Hi.

Thanks for getting him
home last night, by the way.

Please. Tried to expunge
it from my memory.

So which Norse god are you?

Me? No, I'm no god.

Come on, if you're related to Thor of the
Valley here, you must be some sort of god.

No, it's a Derek thing. He's

kind of out there, you know.

While we're on the subject,

Derek mentioned that you have
something that belongs to him. A hammer.

- Mj�*lnir.
- That's the one.

What about it?

It's just that,

I know it looks like a manky old hammer,
but it's kind of a family heirloom and he'd

really like it back.

Well, if it's such a precious family heirloom,
then why'd he try and kill us with it?

Do I dare ask why?

Musical differences.

Derek: Turn that high
might music off, you poofs!

It's art, you barbarian!

Derek: Sounds like
someone fucking a goat!

Well, you'd know all about that
sort of thing, wouldn't you?

Derek: Fuck you!

And you can stick your invitation
up your ass! Probably enjoy it.

It was only Mr. Reasonable here
that stopped us pressing charges.

Yeah, I can see that.

If he wants his precious hammer
back, he needs to come over here,

apologize and acknowledge the
seriousness of his actions.

Then he can get the bloody thing
out 'cause buggered if we can.

Really?

Yeah, I see
what you me...

How'd you do that?

I'm a builder.

There's a technique.

Hand it over.

- Sorry?
- Give me the hammer.

When he apologizes

... to our faces... and understands what
a stupid and dangerous thing that he did,

then he can have his hammer back.

Ex-schoolteacher.

I'll see what I can do.

And while you're at it,

ask him to give us our bloody land back.

- Hello Ty.
- Hi.

- Are we keeping you busy?
- Yes.

- Thanks.
- Thanks, see you.

Tyrone,

look at you in your Lycra,
like a big muscled sausage.

Good to see you landed with all the
bits and pieces in the right places.

- You have something for me to peruse?
- Yes, here.

Bless you, Dawn.

Can I ask you a question?

Naturally to the left, is the answer.

What's the story with
your brother and Colin?

They obviously have history together.

Colin was Ty's father-in-law.
We don't mention it.

- But you threw the hammer at them!
- In all due respect, Allfather,

your eardrums weren't the ones
being assaulted that night.

If you lost your hammer, Derek, it's your fault
and you need to do what it takes to get it back

by going over and apologizing.

I refuse to set foot in bandit country.

They're not bandits! They
didn't steal anything!

- You threw the hammer at them!
- Ass bandits!

Derek, you can't use that phrase.

Ass bandits?

Yeah.

Who says?

Says Odin or says anyone, actually.

And what the hell is this
about you stealing their land?

I've been farming here for 15 years before
they came along with their pieces of paper.

Presumably the pieces of paper
that prove they own the land.

I won this land fair and square
off Drunk Mary in a game of 500.

Not my fault he didn't get
around to changing the deed.

Who would have guessed that
from the guy called Drunk Mary?

I found this land.

I built the fence around
this land. It's my land.

- What do you actually farm on the land?
- Not the fucking point!

Beer.

I think it's safe to say that Derek
gave up farming a couple months ago,

sold what stock he hadn't eaten and
took up drinking as an occupation.

- You didn't know this?
- No, we're not close as a family.

It all started when Delphine
took off down south with Ross.

Ross? The she-monkey?

Everyone was bloody happy for them, eh,

except for Derek. He tried to kill Ross.

Then Tom and Carey bought Drunk Mary's place
and tried to reclaim what was rightfully theirs

and Derek found a
new reason to live...

hating the poofters next door.

- Man: Suzy.
- Duty calls.

Man: Same again, love.

When Tom and Carey moved in, they
bulled the fence that Derek had built

to fence off the land that wasn't his.

Police were called, threats were made.

Then a couple of weeks ago, Tom and Carey
made the mistake of going away for the weekend.

When they got back, Derek
had rebuilt the entire fence.

There's one thing that man
can do, it's wield a hammer.

Yep, he sure can.

Derek's a pain in the
ass and bonkers, but...

I still worry about him,
you know? No idea why.

Um, any chance I could get a packet
of chips to go with this beer?

Sure.

It's important to have food groups
other than beer in your life.

Salt and fat, for starters.

Yeah, but it's thirsty work being me.

Slow down, Tiger.

I got plans for you later.

Take me off the JPR run.

What run? The only run we have is I tell
you what to take where and you run and do it.

Not to that office anymore.

But you're the one who's been banging
on to get every job going that way?

Has Dawn suddenly remembered
what a pain in the ass you can be?

Let me put it this way.

How would it be for business if the next
time I'm in there, I punch Colin in the face?

Okay, if I have to deliver to those
jumped-up advertising tossers one more time,

- I'm going to break shit all over their office.
- What is wrong with you people?

You're couriers. You deliver stuff.
You don't get to choose who to.

You don't have to put up
with the things they say.

But you like the sexist comments.

You told me that was one of your favourite
things about being a courier, was guys

saying nice things about
your tits and ogling your ass.

Not advertising wankers.

They take the good and make it creepy.

Fucking unbelievable.

What if I take the advertising
wankers and Alana does the JPR job.

Fine, whatever. Sort it out amongst
yourselves, just stop hassling me.

Way to go, Ty. Stick it to the man.

I never thought of
Stacy as a man before.

You should. She totally
has that tomboy vibe going.

How come you don't want to do JPR? I
thought you were sweet on the receptionist.

No. No, no. And I wouldn't call
her a receptionist if I were you.

Don't worry. I'll be my sweet,
adorable self around her.

Good luck with the assholes
at the advertising agency.

Hey,

are you doing anything...

maybe tomorrow night?

I have no plans. Why?

Just wondering if you want to
go get a drink or something,

celebrate our sticking it to the man?

Yeah, that'd be awesome.

Yes!

- Come on! Be reasonable.
- Bugger off...

Bugger off back to
Homo-town, you homos.

Derek, that fence has to
come down. We need the land.

- My Lord, smite the sodomites!
- Derek, don't be an idiot.

I won that land fair and square. It's my right
to do with it what I want, including nothing.

The alternative's on the table, Derek.

Sell us your farm.

Get fucked!

Barbarian.

Would selling this
place be such a bad idea?

Oh, that's right. You're Odin.

You're the god of everything. You might
as well add fucking farming to your list.

Yeah, 'cause this place
is such a raging success.

You one of their bum buddies
now? Typical Auckland god.

Hey, I'm not the one who
threw my bloody hammer away.

Tell me about Suzy.

>>Suzy from the bar?

She's a bloody goddess, thank you.

Okay, when you say goddess, you
mean, like, a good chick, don't you?

You mean an actual goddess?

- She's too nice to be one of those slags.
- Yeah, but what if she is?

I mean, what if she's hypothetically

Frigg?

Then Odin could do a lot worse.

>>What?

Do you want to play a game?

It's called the Game of Suzy.

Oh, my name's Suzy. I
should be quite good at this.

Are you from around here?

No. One point to me.

Where are you from?

Ongaonga.

It's in Hawkes Bay.

How do you know Ongaonga?

>>I grew up not far from there.

Where?

- Norsewood.
- No way.

That's near my parents' farm.

Maybe we're related.

No, that would be a bad thing.

Tell me about your parents.

They died in a car crash when
I was two, so I never knew them.

Sorry.

So do I win the Game of Suzy?

Big time.

Awesome

Want a job for the night?

One of my staff decided the
stag do wasn't his thing.

You can pull beer as
well as drink it, right?

>>What's the pay?

Low money and sexual favours.

Deal.

I love weddings. Great
excuse for a party.

I like parties.

I find that hard to believe.

I had this amazing 21st.

Me too. Went on for like three days.

And did anything special happen to
you on the exact moment of my birth?

You mean I turned 21
and my world changed?

Yeah.

I went a bit hard too early, actually. Was having
a nap in the paddock when the clock ticked over.

- It was only the fireworks that woke me up.
- Fireworks?

Everybody said there weren't any,
'cause there was a fire ban, but

when I woke up, the
sky was full of lights.

Then I went back to the party.

And the party went on and on.

Kept finding all these half
empty beer bottles everywhere.

I bet you do.

- Here's the happy couple.
- One happier than the other.

Your uncle leaves an aftertaste.

I don't want to think
about that, thank you.

- Karaoke, as requested.
- Not by me.

You say that now, but later,
you will not be able to resist.

Everything else in order,

except a barman who had
a thing about, you know...

Queers.

Do you have a thing about queers, Axl?

- I have no thing about anyone.
- Unlike your uncle.

Well, it's a good thing
he won't be here then, eh?

He was invited.

Really?

I thought it was a good chance
for us to make peace with Derek.

This was before he put a hammer
through the side of our house.

If he comes and doesn't insult or assault
anyone, he can have his precious hammer...

on two provisos.

That he apologizes sincerely

and that he acknowledges
the sanctity of our union by

turning up dressed in
what he has in his closet.

Okay, and when you say closet,

- you mean...
- I mean his actual closet.

Carey took the liberty of having a wee look
round when we dropped Derek home the other night.

You're too kind to that man.

Bloody sneaky gays, poking
around in a man's wardrobe.

Show me what's in your closet.

Okay. I wasn't expecting that.

The dress Jenny wore on our wedding day.

Happiest day of my life.

I was saving it for Delphine
when she got married.

Delphine had a lot of growing to do.

Yeah, her mother was a...

burly woman.

She was the kindest,

wisest lady I ever met.

She kept me on an even keel, you know?

We had some laughs,

some real fun times, working

side by side on the slaughter board...

and the sack.

We broke a few bed frames, Jenny and me.

So there's no way I can
desecrate her memory by...

...wearing her dress to a poof party.

Thor...

You failed all of us

when you flung that hammer.

You owe it to all of us to God up

and do what it takes
to get the hammer back.

My Lord...

could you, the all father,

emasculate yourself to do this?

Dude, it's wearing a dress
for, like, five minutes.

Then I will play the bride...

... if you will play my bridesmaid.

- Oh, this is so brave.
- Don't.

That you're willing to walk into a bar full of gay
men and drunk, lonely old farmers in this dress.

You're really not helping.

I've got the perfect

accessory.

Mike: Hello?

Please tell me Olaf is with you.

He is, as chance would have it.

Have you recovered my car?

No, but I think I found her.

- Olaf: Who?
- Frigg!

Frigg!

She doesn't know she's a
goddess yet, but she so is.

Which is making things
a little bit weird.

Define weird.

We just get on amazingly.

Define amazingly.

She's, like, amazing.

We hti it off the moment we laid eyes
on each other. And the sex is amazing.

You've had sex?

Yeah, a few times.

And almost even better than that...

when she pours drinks,
the bottles never run out.

- Oh, Saga.
- What?

That's not Frigg, you met Saga.

- Saga?
- That's Odin's best mate and drinking companion

but also a goddess.

Essentially a dude in a frock.

How do you mean?

For you, it would be like if
your best mate, Zeb, was a woman

and totally up for it...

... and also had the
power of eternal beer.

I got to go.

Perfect.

Remember I said I'd pay
you in sexual favours?

Here's an advance on your wages.

- You're keeping me busy.
- That's the idea.

Hi.

Hi.

Your brother isn't
delivering here anymore.

I much prefer his replacement.

Hi. Welcome. Come in.

Thank you.

I didn't have any wine, so I
stole my flatmate's tequila.

Oh, okay. I was working on dinner
and a DVD. You didn't have to.

She's a cabin attendant, she
gets lots of duty free booze.

Shot to kick things into gear?

Cool.

To moving on.

Hi, it's
just us...

Hello.

I know you. You were being him at my
office today, only much better looking.

Allannah.

Anders.

- Why are you guys here?
- Because...

we spring peace and love.

You stay there,

I'll get the door.

I hope you don't mind, I
ran into Lance on the way.

- Hey, touchdown!
- Lance is here!

- What's up, man?
- Lance rules!

Ooh, and Dawn. Now it's a party.

Love the frock.

It's all for you, you dick.

Have you got Derek's number?

On the wall by the phone
for when he leaves stuff.

Don't you pike on me, you prick.

I have to go.

But I paid you in advance.

Oh, can I borrow your car?

I got a scooter.

Of course you do.

Derek!

Derek!

Fuck.

Derek!

Derek!

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck. Derek!

What are you doing?

You were right.

About what?

I'm a failure as a God.

Husband, father, farmer,

- God.
- No! No, you're not.

But Odin decreed it.

If I'm a failure as a God,

I'm a failure as man.

I was wrong! You're not a failure!

Look around you.

Does this look like fucking success?

Look, you're just going through
a few hard times, that's all.

So, I threw away the one thing
in my life that had meaning.

And we can get that one thing back.

Can you turn the tractor off and
take the noose off so we can talk?

What's there to talk about?

I don't belong in this world.

Thor does not quit like this!

You don't get it, do you?

We don't belong on
this earth, none of us!

It hates us, it abhors being here.

We turn everything bad.

Move, you piece of shit!

Okay!

If you're going to take
the easy way out, then...

then you're going to
have to take me with you.

Easy?

It took me fucking ages to get
this rope round that branch.

If the mighty Thor can kick the bucket 'cause
he thinks the world ain't a perfect place,

then you might as well take this...

useless ass Odin with you.

Get out of the road!

There's been a huge mistake somewhere.

The soul of Odin in the body of a loser.

You're Odin, you ig!

It's impossible for Odin to be a
loser because he's fucking Odin!

Well, this Odin managed to
lose the only woman he loved.

- Boo hoo! I lost two!
- He can't even find his Frigg!

You're not going to find her in
fucking Fungamungamoa, are you?

And this Odin no one even listens to...

let alone respects.

I respect you, my Lord.

Then turn the tractor off.

Now take the noose off
from around your neck.

Now let's go get the Hammer of the Gods.

Glad you could make the party.

- Thanks for the invite.
- Nice dress.

I hope you mean that.

It's special to me, this dress.

Look, Derek's done what you had asked.

Got into the spirit of things.

And then some.

And you have something
that belongs to him.

I still haven't heard an apology.

- Fuck that!
- Derek...

How about this instead?

I'm a shit farmer. You know it,

I know it.

But you guys seem to be doing okay, so

if you want to buy my farm...

it's all yours.

For a fair price, of course.

Of course.

Deal.

No!

I still want an apology.

- Leave it, Gary.
- No!

This troglodyte almost killed us.

I want an apology.

I don't know what a troglodyte is, mate.

But if it's someone who doesn't like shit
music blaring at him in the middle of the night,

then yeah, I am one.

Look, Derek, just don't worry about it.

- We can get...
- New plan.

No one bullies me into apologizing.

But I feel like I owe you, so
you can take this or leave it.

I sang this song for my
wife on our wedding day.

Of course, she was the one
wearing the dress that day.

This is for the gay,

as in happy, couple.

* Cheryl Moana Marie *

* Back home she's waiting for me *

* Cheryl Moana Marie *

* There on the shore,
she waits so patiently *

You poofters going to dance or what?

* On a sleepy little shore *

* Where soft breezes blow *

* There's a lovely little Maori
miss * * I used to know *

Did you make this happen?

Yeah.

- I guess I did.
- * And I'll return from over the sea *

* To where my island sweetheart

- You are a genius.
- waits for me *

* Cheryl Moana Marie *

Yeah, but I'm saying that not
voting is exactly the same as voting.

- No, it's not.
- Yes, it is, 'cause it's like a vote for nobody,

which is kind of like of vote, but not.

Dawn: That just means fewer people
vote. Someone still gets elected.

Lance: Yes, but I didn't vote
for him. Game, set, match... Lance.

Dawn: That's just stupid.

Lance: Maybe you're biased, Dawn,
'cause you're the face of a campaign.

I'm not the face, I'm a face.

- What, are you going to vote?
- Of course I'm going to vote.

For Colin?

That's nobody else's business but mine.

Ha, I bet you are, aren't you?

Okay, fine, yes, I am.

Lance: 'Cause he's
paying you to, isn't he?

No, I'm voting for him because I think he's
the right person for the job. I'll be honest.

At first, I thought
he was a rich snob, but

the more I listen to
Colin, got to know him,

I really think there's
something remarkable about him.

If he wants something done, he gets it
done. Call it charisma, balls, whatever.

But if he can use that for the good of
the whole city, he can make the city great.

- No.
- Sorry?

Nothing. Come with me.

- Why?
- Now!

Look.

- It's a glass.
- Look!

Oh, you did the freezing thing.

You did the freezing thing!

No, this is wrong, this
is meant to have gone.

- Clearly it hasn't.
- How?

Hod left me, now he's back,
and I want to know why.

Whoa. Possibly because you're very
angry and kind of intense right now.

It shouldn't matter what mood
I'm in, it's meant to have gone!

Fuck!

Or he mostly left you,

but there was an ember or...

whatever the ice equivalent of
an ember is, left deep inside you

and something tonight caused the
ember to burst into flame or...

ice.

See ya!

You!

Best barmaid ever.

Barmaid?

Excuse me, but that's an offensive term.

Get over it!

And you?

You're not such a bad person,

considering the family that you're from.

And you remind me of every teacher
who's ever scared the shit out of me.

I am now going to take my fianc�
home so that he can pass out there.

Love your work.

Night, Axl. Thanks.

Can I ask you a question?

Yes, I will have sex with you tonight.

Are you happy?

Now or generally?

Generally.

Why do you ask?

Because there's something
I need to tell you.

Yes.

Yes, I am.

I am very happy being
right here, being who I am.

I have to go in the morning.

No reason to stay, eh?

A very good reason to stay.

But an even bigger
reason why I need to go.

Then why are we wasting time dancing?

Is everyone okay in here?

Sorry. Just kind of a family emergency.

Where is everyone?

Uh, Allannah left with Anders,

which is just as well, really, because it
was getting a bit embarrassing to watch.

And Lance had to go. He has to

wake up early for rock climbing.

You've done the dishes.

Yeah, I thought I should do
something helpful while I waited.

Waited for what?

To see if you were okay?

I'm sorry if I upset you, going on
about your ex-father-in-law like that.

He shall remain an off
- limits topic of conversation between the two of us.

What?

Nothing.

I should go.

Goodnight, and thank you for everything.

What?

Sorry. Weird d�jà vu thing.

Did we ever go on a picnic together?

No.

You must think I'm deeply strange.

Not at all.

I'll see myself out.

Bringing back happy childhood memories?

Not really.

In fact, it's kind of like that
whole part of my life is a big blank.

Well, yeah, you were
very young when we left.

So, how you doing?

I'm feeling much better, thank you.

And I'm pleased to hear that.

But you still didn't have to come
all this way to track me down.

Yeah, well, that's not
what your text said.

What text?

"Stuck in downtown Norsewood, no clothes, no
money. Ready to come home, can you get me?"

I never sent that text.

- It's from your phone.
- I threw my phone away.

Then we have a mystery.

- But are you?
- Am I what?

Ready to come home.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mike: Hey, did you know there's this thing where you
can win 10 grand by getting a hole- in-one at Lake Taupo?

Axl: You in a hurry to get back?

Mike: Well, I suppose we could
make one or two stops along the way.

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