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Friday Night Dinner
-- Episode 02x06 - "The Mouse" -- Addic7ed.com
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House is looking good.
Outdoor bathroom. Nice touch.
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Very Roman.
Isn't it?
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Hello bambinos.
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Professor Bossoms.
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'All right, Dad?
What?
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Oh, excuse the shithole.
It is a shithole.
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When are they gonna finish?
Who knows? The year 70 billion.
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What's wrong with the toilet now?
Well read the note, you cretin!
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"Bog Buggered"
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They've buggered everything these builders -
the bog, the boiler, the electrics.
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I told Mum they'll probably start buggering each other soon.
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And they've buggered it up in there as well!
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That looks nice.
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Yeah, your mother decided she
wanted some red in the house.
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So we started painting and then we realised that it looked...
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...like a whore house?
Yep.
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Where's Mum?
In the shed.
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The shed? What's she doing there?
Hiding.
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Hiding?
Yeah, from the mouse.
21
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What mouse?
Mum saw a mouse in here.
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She saw a mouse in here?
There's a mouse in the house?
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Yeah. The builders must have buggered
up it's lair or something.
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Mouse lair.
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Now she won't come back in until I find the wretched thing
which means I'm the one making sodded dinner.
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God help us.
Yes, help us o' lord. I know.
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Might as well be boiling a table.
Let's go see her then.
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Where was the mouse?
Er, over there.
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Bugger.
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You all right, Mum?
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Has he found it?
What?
32
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The mouse. Has he found the mouse?
Er, not yet, but I'm sure it'll...
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I'm not going back in until he's found it.
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Aw Mum!
What?
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That means Dad's making dinner.
Yeah, so?
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We might die.
We will die!
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I'm sorry! You know what I'm like about mice.
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Total psycho?
Exactly.
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Well?
I found it. It's gone.
40
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You found it?
Really?
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Yes. Really.
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You really found it?
I really found it and then I really killed it.
43
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Aww! Poor mouse!
Never mind poor mouse. Poor Mum!
44
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How'd you kill it?
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What?
How did you kill the mouse?
46
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I strangled it.
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Martin!
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Does it matter how I killed it?
The bloody thing's dead.
49
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Well where is it then?
Look, if you don't believe me, I'll show it to you.
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Both pieces.
Aaargh!
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No, that's okay.
Aw, well done. My hero.
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Erm, so does that mean you'll be making...
Yes! Make all a lovely dinner.
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Oh, you've been so brave.
54
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Did you really find the mouse?
No.
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Well what if it turns up again?
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It won't turn up.
What? You've trained it, have you?
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Ah, shut up!
Pass me the screwdriver, simpleton.
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You know Mum will have a heart attack.
Is that a bad thing?
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Right. 'Ere.
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Oh!
Blimey!
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Now, careful. Some of these might be live.
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Live? Bloody hell, Dad!
The thing is, which ones?
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Martin, where are the...
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What are you doing?
Making a bomb.
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Well, don't make a mess on the carpet.
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Have you seen the little bowls?
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Aw, god. That'll be Jim. I know it.
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Why does he have to come round when the
house is such a shithole?!
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Hi Jim. Sorry we're just...
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Hello, Johnny.
Adam.
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I just thought if your Dad needed any help
with anything around the house...
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Thanks, but he's doing the electrics, so...
Electrics!
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C'mon Wilson.
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Are you qualified to do electrics?
That depends what you mean by "qualified".
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Now then Martin...
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Hello Jackie. Oh you look nice.
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Oh thanks, Jim.
We're just about to have dinner.
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Are we?
Er, "we" are. Yes.
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Oh yes. Of course. I was just
helping Martin with...er,
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...what were we doing?
The wiring.
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"The wiring".
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Careful you don't touch these...
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Shit! Shit on it!
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Oh my god! Martin!
He touched the bleedin' wire!
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Is he dead?
Jim!
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Jim!
I told him not to bleedin' touch it!
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What are we gonna do?
We'll have to try and resuscitate him!
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Er, how?
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Well, somebody's going to have give
him the "Kiss of Life".
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Bye.
Goodbye.
91
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Boys!
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Martin, go and give Jim the "Kiss of Life".
I'm not kissing a man.
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No way!
Me either!
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Thankyou very much!
95
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Aw god!!
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Wilson!
Jim, it's me. Jackie.
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Jackie...oh Jackie!
Erm...Jim...
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Jim. You can let go now.
C'mon Jim. Well done, luv.
99
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Well done, Mum.
100
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You've had a nasty shock.
Are you okay?
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I think I might need a little bit more...
102
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How do you feel now?
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Like I've been forced to eat pins and...
somebody's got a big magnet.
104
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Okay.
...And also I'm on fire.
105
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But otherwise, you're...?
Otherwise, I'm fine, fine.
106
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Has "Nut Features" gone yet?
Not yet!
107
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Not yet, Martin.
108
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Sorry. I didn't see you there.
109
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I'm sure you'll be wanting to get back home soon.
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I probably shouldn't be moved too quickly.
I do feel a terrible hunger all of a sudden.
111
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Erm, why don't I get you some biscuits.
Thankyou. Can I have twelve?
112
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Are you mad?
Adam, we've got to ask him for dinner!
113
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Mum, there is now way.
Yeah, Mum. No way!
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Boys!
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I agree. What are you talking about?
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"Nut Features" staying for dinner.
There is no way!
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Sorry, we almost killed the man.
The least we can do is feed him.
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Mum, he isn't staying.
I can't send him home!
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I can.
Shut up, Martin!
120
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Well, he's not having any crumble.
Crimble crumble! Absolutely not!
121
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Yeah, no way is he having any crumble.
122
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Okay. Alright.
Comin' in here and eating our crumble...
123
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Johnny, hide the crumble.
Good idea.
124
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Hide the crumble?
Where shall I hide it?
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In here.
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What are you doing?
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Well done, Johnny.
128
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You're horrible!
129
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Yes?
130
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Hello.
Oh, hi Jim. You all right?
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Well, the shaking's mainly stopped.
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Good. Good.
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I managed to do wee-wee without
making too much of a mess.
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Well done.
135
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So, I better be off, I suppose.
C'mon Wilson.
136
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Are you sure you're all right?
Oh yes, Jackie. You mustn't worry about me.
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I'll be fine. Fine.
138
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Bye, bye all!
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Friends.
140
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Jim, would you like to stay for...
Dinner?
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Oh Jackie! Jackie!
142
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Friday night dinner with you!...
...and...the others.
143
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Did you hear that, Wilson?
We've been invited for a real Jewish dinner!
144
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Right. Well. Best get changed!
There's really no need.
145
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No Jackie. Must get changed into my finery.
It's a special night. A very special night!
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Bye all!
C'mon Wilson.
147
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What?!
148
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Oh, where is he?
So we're definitely agreed then, yeah?
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He comes in - "Hello Jackie. Hello Jim".
Three second chat.
150
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Straight in here.
Food already on plates.
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No crumble because we didn't
make any crumble, remember?
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Yes!
Food in gob. Dinner done. Proceed to front door.
153
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"Goodbye Jackie. Goodbye Jim."
Yep, that's what we do.
154
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You're so cruel.
We're sticking to it.
155
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Ooh, the potatoes.
156
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Sorry, but I'm starving.
157
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Erm...Dad?
What?
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Your little friend.
159
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Jesus! Oh shit! shit!
You've trained it very well.
160
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The shitting thing!
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What are you doing?
What?
162
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Do you want to burn the house down?
163
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Why were you whacking the candles like that?
Um, I got angry.
164
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At what?
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The candles just suddenly angered me.
166
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He's here.
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Shalom! Shalom!
168
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Erm, shalom.
This is for you, Jackie.
169
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Ooh thanks Jim.
It's was my aunty's.
170
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Oh!
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She had it by her death bed.
How nice.
172
00:10:08,869 --> 00:10:09,699
C'mon Wilson.
173
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Lie down, Wilson.
Okay, so if you come straight through..
174
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Straight to dinner?
Oh yes. Tradition.
175
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Jewish tradition?
Exactly that.
176
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So if you'd like to...
Yes of course. Shalom.
177
00:10:28,190 --> 00:10:29,930
Shalom Jackie. Tight squeeze.
178
00:10:29,930 --> 00:10:33,749
And where do you sit?
Erm, well I sit here...
179
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I see.
180
00:10:36,868 --> 00:10:41,174
Oh, that's Martin's place.
That's Dad's.
181
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:46,216
Erm, that's my place.
Of course. No. I'll just sit over there...
182
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Um. This is my chair.
Oh well. Chair and chair alike.
183
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Jim. Maybe if you'd sit over there, next to Martin.
Yes of course, Jackie. Shalom. Shalom.
184
00:11:01,881 --> 00:11:04,109
Shalom.
185
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Shalom.
186
00:11:09,118 --> 00:11:14,802
Right, Mum.
Oh, I nearly forgot. Do I put this on now?
187
00:11:14,802 --> 00:11:17,156
What is it?
It's my Jewish hat.
188
00:11:18,416 --> 00:11:21,606
Oh, you mean your Yamaka.
Ammakum?
189
00:11:21,606 --> 00:11:26,226
Yamaka. You don't need to put it on, but if you want...
190
00:11:26,226 --> 00:11:28,372
Ammakum.
Yamaka.
191
00:11:28,372 --> 00:11:29,493
Ammamakacub.
192
00:11:29,693 --> 00:11:33,675
Okay. Why don't you take your jacket off Jim?
Oh yes. My jacket.
193
00:11:34,907 --> 00:11:40,649
Your Yamaka matches your shirt.
Thankyou, Martin. I made it myself.
194
00:11:45,337 --> 00:11:48,948
Martin. Food!
195
00:11:55,017 --> 00:11:59,647
Is it going to be a very religious meal?
Not really, Jim.
196
00:11:59,647 --> 00:12:04,750
Ooh! There are the candles.
Yep.
197
00:12:04,750 --> 00:12:07,487
Here we are.
Thanks, Mum.
198
00:12:07,487 --> 00:12:10,057
Thankyou, Jackie. Shalom!
199
00:12:10,057 --> 00:12:10,057
Yes, thankyou Mum. Shalom!
Yes, Shalom!
200
00:12:13,630 --> 00:12:16,274
Shalom to you all!
201
00:12:18,134 --> 00:12:20,586
You buggering lunatic!
Martin!
202
00:12:20,586 --> 00:12:21,986
What did you do that for?
Yeah!
203
00:12:22,781 --> 00:12:25,660
It's tradition.
Tradition?
204
00:12:25,660 --> 00:12:30,117
No Jim. That's the Greeks.
205
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:41,031
Oh yes. The Greeks. Should I...?
Er, no. It's alright. Just eat your food.
206
00:12:41,031 --> 00:12:42,755
Good start.
207
00:12:46,578 --> 00:12:52,450
Do you know that this is the first time
that I have ever eaten Jewish food?
208
00:12:52,450 --> 00:12:54,461
Really? Well, it's all quite normal.
209
00:12:56,658 --> 00:13:01,056
Lovely bit o' squirrel.
210
00:13:01,056 --> 00:13:06,310
Squirrel?
211
00:13:26,791 --> 00:13:28,436
All right, Jim?
212
00:13:28,436 --> 00:13:33,944
Yes. Just enjoying some of your
traditional Jewish drinking water.
213
00:13:34,097 --> 00:13:35,981
Okay.
214
00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:38,574
It's really delicious.
215
00:13:38,574 --> 00:13:45,162
Go on. Tuck in.
Jackie, could you pass me a biggish spoon?
216
00:13:45,162 --> 00:13:47,572
A biggish spoon?
Yes, please.
217
00:13:47,572 --> 00:13:51,126
Um, Johnny.
Here, Jim.
218
00:13:51,126 --> 00:13:54,823
Thankyou. Yes, I prefer to tear my food.
Look...
219
00:14:16,879 --> 00:14:22,380
Nice?
Hmm. Is there any vinegar?
220
00:14:22,380 --> 00:14:23,237
Excellent.
221
00:14:23,237 --> 00:14:27,518
Vinegar? Here.
Thankyou, Martin.
222
00:14:41,991 --> 00:14:48,483
Hmmm...it's nice now, Jackie.
Thankyou.
223
00:14:48,483 --> 00:14:51,575
Martin, are you circumcised?
224
00:14:52,630 --> 00:14:55,398
What?
Are you circumcised?
225
00:14:55,398 --> 00:14:57,457
Well, don't ask me. Ask my wife.
226
00:14:57,457 --> 00:15:02,506
Is Martin circumcised?
Yes, Jim. He is.
227
00:15:02,506 --> 00:15:07,805
And the brothers, did you have them done?
Yes, they're also...
228
00:15:07,805 --> 00:15:10,033
Thankyou.
Yes, thanks Mum.
229
00:15:10,033 --> 00:15:12,920
I see. As a set?
230
00:15:12,920 --> 00:15:16,445
Any wine?
No thankyou, Jackie. I'm fine with my
231
00:15:16,445 --> 00:15:22,162
refreshing Hebrew water
232
00:15:22,284 --> 00:15:27,533
but I am looking forward to your famous apple crumble.
233
00:15:27,533 --> 00:15:34,025
Oh Jim. I'm sorry. I didn't make one tonight.
234
00:15:34,025 --> 00:15:35,278
She didn't have time.
No time.
235
00:15:35,278 --> 00:15:37,076
No time.
I didn't have time.
236
00:15:37,079 --> 00:15:41,281
Never mind. Still, this is nice.
Thanks.
237
00:15:41,281 --> 00:15:46,321
No. No. I mean "this" is nice.
238
00:15:46,556 --> 00:15:55,655
Family..."To my new family!"
239
00:15:59,378 --> 00:16:01,869
You're...um...new family.
240
00:16:05,157 --> 00:16:07,309
You bastard!
Adam!
241
00:16:07,309 --> 00:16:10,181
He put bloody salt in my drink!
Skill!
242
00:16:10,181 --> 00:16:12,061
Oh I am sorry, Jim.
243
00:16:23,060 --> 00:16:25,977
Thirsty!
244
00:16:39,973 --> 00:16:43,815
Erm...it's a mouse.
Aaaaargh!
245
00:16:53,104 --> 00:16:56,876
This is good. Yeah!
Yes it is, isn't it?
246
00:16:56,876 --> 00:17:01,112
But you told me you'd killed it!
Well maybe it came back to life.
247
00:17:01,112 --> 00:17:05,447
What? Both pieces?
Yes. Is this the ketchup?
248
00:17:05,447 --> 00:17:07,530
Er, no. That's for slugs.
249
00:17:07,530 --> 00:17:12,388
I didn't know they made ketchup for slugs.
Ketchup's in there, Jim. Top drawer.
250
00:17:12,388 --> 00:17:15,452
Thanks.
Why are you keeping ketchup in the shed?
251
00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:20,660
Hmmm? The mustard?
Ah, second drawer down.
252
00:17:20,660 --> 00:17:24,105
Thankyou, Martin.
I wondered where that had got to!
253
00:17:24,105 --> 00:17:27,212
Hmmm. This is delicious, Jackie.
254
00:17:27,212 --> 00:17:31,728
It's probably the best meal I've ever had in my entire life.
255
00:17:31,728 --> 00:17:36,410
Really? Awww.
Apart from something they once gave me in hospital.
256
00:17:36,410 --> 00:17:42,131
Right.
Mini banana!
257
00:17:42,131 --> 00:17:45,174
Well that's dinner over.
Yep. All over.
258
00:17:45,174 --> 00:17:49,914
So Jim, Mum and Dad are really quite tired...
Yes. What's that?
259
00:17:49,914 --> 00:17:54,722
So it's probably time you...
Yes of course. Time to leave.
260
00:17:54,722 --> 00:17:55,591
Right then.
261
00:17:55,671 --> 00:18:02,176
Ooh. One thing. Is there a final Jewish
prayer that you say?
262
00:18:02,176 --> 00:18:04,950
Sorry?
One that you do at the end.
263
00:18:04,950 --> 00:18:07,980
Yes there is.
264
00:18:07,980 --> 00:18:16,043
Thankyou lord for our delicious meal, but now we all
must go immediately home to our sacred beds
265
00:18:16,043 --> 00:18:21,053
as quickly as the lord can send us.
On your marks, get set, go! Amen.
266
00:18:22,007 --> 00:18:23,522
Amen.
Amen!
267
00:18:25,267 --> 00:18:31,191
Oh, what a super religion!
How do I join?
268
00:18:34,461 --> 00:18:37,185
I'm just not happy being in here
when its still scurrying about.
269
00:18:37,185 --> 00:18:38,810
It's all right, Mum.
270
00:18:39,129 --> 00:18:44,142
If you do see it, Jackie, just put
a drinking glass over it and
271
00:18:44,142 --> 00:18:49,811
slide a piece of paper underneath...
Oh no, that's spiders..
272
00:18:49,811 --> 00:18:53,462
Yeah, Jim. That's spiders.
Well, C'mon Wilson.
273
00:18:57,996 --> 00:19:02,932
Is that a...crimble?
What?
274
00:19:07,273 --> 00:19:10,910
That's a crimble.
Er...
275
00:19:12,116 --> 00:19:17,714
How did that get in there?
Erm...you must have forgotten you made it.
276
00:19:17,714 --> 00:19:19,681
I forgot I made it.
She forgot she made it.
277
00:19:19,681 --> 00:19:23,318
I forgot!
She forgot she made an apple crumble.
278
00:19:25,784 --> 00:19:31,914
Right, so thankyou Jim for finding
the crumble that I had forgotten I'd made.
279
00:19:31,914 --> 00:19:37,309
No problem at all, Jackie.
I take mine with cream.
280
00:19:43,285 --> 00:19:46,757
It's very exciting.
Very.
281
00:19:46,757 --> 00:19:48,722
Here we are.
282
00:19:48,722 --> 00:19:54,365
I've been looking forward to this for so many years.
Well. Hope you like it.
283
00:19:54,365 --> 00:19:58,761
Oh, here. Let me just move this out
of the way for you.
284
00:19:58,761 --> 00:19:59,589
Oh, be careful!
285
00:19:59,766 --> 00:20:05,409
Oh!!!
You shitting tit!
286
00:20:05,409 --> 00:20:09,255
God! Jesus!
So much blood!
287
00:20:09,255 --> 00:20:12,197
There's so much blood!
It's paint, Jim!
288
00:20:12,197 --> 00:20:12,197
So much paint!
289
00:20:14,539 --> 00:20:17,405
Just don't move Jim!
I can't see!
290
00:20:17,405 --> 00:20:18,859
No, no, don't touch anything!
291
00:20:18,859 --> 00:20:22,368
I mustn't touch anything.
Oh, my god. The walls.
292
00:20:22,368 --> 00:20:25,644
Or the TV!
The TV!
293
00:20:25,644 --> 00:20:27,434
If that's oil paint, it'll never come off!
294
00:20:27,515 --> 00:20:30,442
Oil paint!
Erm...
295
00:20:30,442 --> 00:20:32,640
Please tell me it's not oil paint.
Please tell me it's not oil paint!
296
00:20:32,640 --> 00:20:34,546
Okay. It's not oil paint.
297
00:20:34,546 --> 00:20:36,756
Is it oil paint?
Yes, it's oil paint.
298
00:20:39,257 --> 00:20:40,745
That's it Jim. Keep going.
Keep going.
299
00:20:40,745 --> 00:20:42,729
Not far to the shower.
300
00:20:43,357 --> 00:20:45,806
Try not to get anymore on the walls.
The walls. No, Jackie.
301
00:20:45,806 --> 00:20:47,798
Oh the bannisters!
The bannisters!
302
00:20:47,798 --> 00:20:50,641
C'mon Jim. C'mon.
Shower's just in here.
303
00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:52,583
Here we are.
304
00:20:52,583 --> 00:20:53,890
Mind the door.
The door.
305
00:20:54,259 --> 00:20:55,662
Mouse.
Mouse.
306
00:20:56,897 --> 00:21:01,082
Jackie, would you like to help me clean myself?
307
00:21:07,246 --> 00:21:11,316
That man is never coming for dinner again.
Oh really!
308
00:21:12,641 --> 00:21:16,308
Hello all.
Hi Jim.
309
00:21:16,308 --> 00:21:20,490
Here are your towels.
Thanks.
310
00:21:20,490 --> 00:21:23,959
Um, is that my dressing gown?
Yes.
311
00:21:23,959 --> 00:21:26,614
Great.
Is the bathroom all right?
312
00:21:26,614 --> 00:21:29,911
Well things still function in there.
Good.
313
00:21:29,911 --> 00:21:32,647
Though it does look a bit like an abbatoir.
Fabulous.
314
00:21:32,708 --> 00:21:38,345
I suppose I should probably leave you.
Yeah, you probably should.
315
00:21:38,345 --> 00:21:40,301
Thankyou all!
316
00:21:40,301 --> 00:21:46,718
It was a lovely evening, apart from
well...everything that happened.
317
00:21:46,718 --> 00:21:49,085
Yes. Goodbye Jackie.
318
00:21:49,085 --> 00:21:50,774
Goodbye Jim.
Of course...No.
319
00:21:53,246 --> 00:21:54,571
Oooh, I never had my crum...
320
00:21:54,571 --> 00:22:06,191
Oh! C'mon Wilson!
Wilson!
321
00:22:07,580 --> 00:22:09,228
At last.
322
00:22:19,855 --> 00:22:13,187
That's it. Lovely.
Time for bed.
323
00:22:20,117 --> 00:22:23,497
Quiet Wilson.
Remain!
324
00:22:43,213 --> 00:22:46,256
Ohhh!
What was...?
325
00:22:49,336 --> 00:22:51,191
Aw! What!
Yet again!
326
00:22:51,191 --> 00:22:53,488
He'd better be dead this time!
327
00:22:53,658 --> 00:22:56,642
What are we going to do?
328
00:23:00,349 --> 00:23:01,763
Oh...Right!
329
00:23:18,857 --> 00:23:23,857
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