All language subtitles for Fresh Off the Boat s05e01 Fresh Off the RV.eng

You got a baby coming.
A car seat just won't fit.

We tried it on the turnpike
with a watermelon.

If it's okay, Lou, I'd like
a few moments alone with her.

**

[ Whistles ]

That's a 30-footer.

35.

Calvin, General Manager
of Kareem Abdul-Jabbar Motors.

Oh, I get it. [ Chuckles ]
Like the NBA legend.

You guys are just copying
Shaq Motors across town.

No, no.
He's copying me.

[ Gasps ]

Always has.

I'm a Laker center.
He's a Laker center.

I buy a car lot.
He buys a car lot.

I star in a movie.

He stars in..."Shazam."

It was "Kazaam."

I got this, Melvin.

[ Whispering ]
It's Calvin.

Kareem, I didn't know
you owned a car lot.

I come down here
every so often

to make sure things
are going right.

Oh, yeah.
It's a real morale boost

for those that work here
the other 360 days a year.

Morale was boosted pretty high
when I dropped those 50 skyhooks

on your co-ed
recreation-league game.

Still didn't
play no defense.

So, you interested
in this RV?

Oh. Oh, no.
I'm just, uh,

helping my friend
trade in his car.

Long may you run, Cherry.

Long may you run.

[ Smooches ]

Well, look, why don't we
just go for a test drive?

[ Sighs ] I don't know.

Kareem:
All the comforts of home,

except your address
is Adventure, USA.

I have always wanted to take
the family out on the pavement,

road-trip it like
one of those families on TV.

Close your eyes, Louis.

Turn the keys. Embark.

[ "Full House"
theme song plays ]

* Everywhere you look

* Everywhere you go

* There's a heart

* There's a heart

* A hand to hold onto

* Everywhere you look

* Everywhere you go

* There's a face
of somebody who needs you *

* Everywhere you look

* When you're lost out there

* And you're all alone

* A light is waiting
to carry you home *

* Everywhere you look

* Everywhere you look

* Shoo-ba-doo-ba-baba-dow

The Huangs
across America.

So, cash?
Or how does this work?

Louis!

Honey's in labor!
Sh-- Hey.

The co-pilot
from "Airplane."

C-Come on!
We gotta go!

This close to a sale.

-- Captions by VITAC --

* Fresh off the boat

* I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go *

* If you don't know, homey,
now you know *

* Fresh off the boat

* Homey, you don't know
where I come from *

* But I know where I'm goin'

* I'm fresh off the boat

**

Can you believe it?
Our baby boy came out a girl.

[ Chuckles ] What a show.

It doesn't happen much,

but the technician
misread the sonogram.

And what we thought was
his deedle-doo

was actually a thing-a-ma-which.
[ Chuckles ]

Umbilical cord.
Yeah.

So, now we need
a girl's name.

Did you already have
a boy name picked out?

Well, Marvin insisted
on a nautical theme,

so we were down to two --
Jonah and...

Ishmael.

So a happy miracle, indeed.

[ Chuckles ] And just think,
your baby's due tomorrow.

Your book -- "A Case
of a Knife to the Brain."

Oh, gosh. [ Sighs ]
Already? I almost forgot.

You did send birth announcements
to the entire HOA.

Oh, that was a joke.
[ Chuckles ]

Of course I don't think
my book is an actual baby...

though I did spend
more than nine months on it.

What did you mean by
"deedle-doo"?

[ Emergency brake engages ]

So, about your baby sister --

No, we're not naming her
"Jamiroquai."

Alright. We'll circle back
to this in a week

when you're
not so close to it.

Yeah, about that.

We need to have a talk.

A Saturn talk.

Whoa.

[ Sunroof closes ]

Saturn secure.

What happens in here
stays in here.

Shoot.

I'm moving to New York with
my mom, and I got into this school that teaches fashion,

and I don't think
I can pass it up.

[ Sighs ] Sorry.
I know this sucks.

That's...

awesome!

It is?

Totally! New York City?

You can chill out in the park,
order pizzas at 3:00 a.m.,

and Beastie Boys songs
will make a lot more sense now.

Why is there no sleep
till Brooklyn?

Well, you're
about to find out.

Wow. I thought this talk

was gonna be
a whole lot tougher.

Please. You know me
better than that.

What? Did you think I was gonna
start crying or something?

[ Fakes crying, laughs ]

* Happy Book Day to you

* Happy Book Day to you

* Happy --

I have a reading
for my novel today,

and I need to decide
on a passage.

"Snap! And suddenly
the only sound was the rope,

creaking under his weight
and the fading pendulum scrape

of his steel-toe boots
against the hickory planks."

Powerful.

Do you like that passage

or the one where they find
the paperboy's bloody bike?

Hmm, tough call.
They're both great. [ Chuckles ]

Uh, where is this reading?

The bookstore.

My publisher thinks
it might help boost sales,

which could lead to TV spots,
a book tour...maybe even Oprah.

[ Gasps ] The Big "O."

[ Chuckles ]
I-I mean, "big" like a star.

She actually looks
great now.

And she did before, too.

[ Clears throat ]
Um, this is great.

Uh, I'll get the boys,
and we'll all go to the reading.

But it's my job.

I don't go to the restaurant
and stare at you.

Remember?

We found that it didn't
improve your productivity.

But this is your big day,
and it'll be good for the boys.

They learn by watching us,
and they should see how your hard work pays off.

You would just be taking up
space from actual book-buyers.

Plus, if I want to read
the graphic sex scenes,

I need to feel comfortable
doing all the sound effects.

**

"So You Wanna Be
a Psychiatrist"?

You know how I plan
to become Doctor President.

Well, I always assumed
I'd be a surgeon.

The respect...

The mastery
of fine motor skills...

The ladies.

But after spending three hours
in the hospital

visiting Honey's baby,

I don't think
I can stand the smell.

Can you mail a hot dog?

I'm making a list of
stuff I want Nicole to send me from New York --

a Statue of Liberty
lighter,

whatever a knish is,
a bullet.

Any ideas for her
going-away gift?

I'm always game to power-browse
Things Remembered at the mall.

Why would I get her
a gift?

Because she's your friend.

I have tons of friends.

I'm not trying
to dole out prizes

every time one of them
skips town.

But Nicole is different.

Oh, because she's a chick?

That's sexist, homey.

No, I mean,
you two are so close.

Aren't you sad
she's moving?

Sad? Pfft.

She's only leaving
for school,

and she'll be back
on the holidays and stuff.

Guys,
it's not a big deal.

**

"The lady doth protest
too much, methinks."

Uh, can we stay on Eddie
for a second?

I think he's pretending he
doesn't care Nicole is leaving.

Yeah, that's what I --

He's in denial.
I read about this in my book.

He needs to admit he's sad
and talk about his feelings.

Or he might dissociate
completely

and chop us all up
in our sleep.

That's an extreme example
in here, but it does happen.

Boys, get ready. We're gonna
surprise Mom at her reading.

We're going
to the bookstore.

Hallelujah!

Get ready to feast,
brain!

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Wow, look at this line.

It's like Mommy
is Space Mountain.

Sorry. We're not letting
anyone else in today.

Fire code.

We'll have plenty
of books tomorrow.

[ Crowd groans ]

You know what? That's fine.

She's doing it, boys.

We'll just surprise her
back home.

You made me put on
my dress shorts.

[ Excited, indistinct chatter ]

**

I'm a failure.

**

Hey, Jessica.

We know what happened
at the reading.

You do?

We went there
to surprise you.

Look, it isn't easy
to say, but I --

Absolutely killed it!
[ Chuckles ]

It was so crowded
we couldn't even get in.

We were so excited,
we made you...

A case of a knife
to the brain.

Cake!

A cake of a knife
to the brain!

One line, Ma.

[ Chuckles ]

Well,
tell us all about it.

**

What can I say?
The book is a hit.

-Alright!
-Yes, Mom!

But it's not a big deal.

You're right.
It is a very big deal.

Boys, your mother's hard work
has led to this great success.

How big a hit are we talking?
Are we rich?

Can we get a pet puma?!

Let's just say the store

has never sold as many copies
on a first day.

[ Chuckles ] So, a-a book tour?
TV interviews?

[ Gasps ] Oh, my God.
Is Regis on the table?

I don't want to jinx it,

so just don't go crazy
spending money.

Yeah, nobody "MC Hammer"
this thing.

**

The river on the east side
is the East River,

but the river on the west
is the Hudson?

Good luck, Nicole.

At least he's thinking
about her.

That's good, right?

I'm afraid not.
It's classic sublimation.

His denial has turned
into productivity.

He's losing
his sense of self.

When has Eddie ever researched
for pleasure?

My God.

He needs to face
his feelings soon,

or when it finally hits him,
he'll lash out at someone.

Chop. Chop.

[ Breathes deeply ]

Hey, dawg.

Evan and I were just
talking about Nicole.

Your best friend
who's moving away.

You two sure have had
some great times together.

Mm.

* Back in the days when I was
young, I'm not a kid anymore *

* But some days I sit
and wish I was a kid again *

* Back in the days when I was
young, I'm not a kid anymore *

* But some days I sit
and wish I was a kid again * [ Eddie screams ]

* And everybody say
* I remember way back when

* And everybody say
* I remember way back when

* And everybody say
* I remember way back when

* What?
* Back in the day

* When?
* Back in the day

Yeah, we have had
some great times.

Thanks for reminding me,
guys.

There's so much stuff I
have to get out of her car before she goes --

my CD Player, Bootyman hat,

drive-thru window
gorilla mask.

For our door --
padlock or dead bolt?

[ Sighs ]

[ Birds chirping ]

Louis! What did I tell you
about spending money?

There isn't even enough room
in the pantry for all of this.

True.
But there is room...

in here.

[ Horn honks
"Full House" theme ]

What...is...this?

It's a 1998 NationWheeler
with all the bells and whistles.

Why is this?

Now we can all go
on your book tour as a family.

Finally take that
road trip across America

we've always talked about.

We can see
the Heartland.

And the regions
of the South

once decimated
by the boll weevil.

How much did this
house-truck cost?

I knew that would come up,
but don't worry.

It's a business write-off.

**

Now as we drive
across the land,

everyone will know best-selling
author Jessica Huang is aboard.

Is that my
driver's license photo?

Um, so, what do you say?
Huangs across America?

**

Sure.

[ Chuckles ] Yeah.

I live here now.

**

I remember packing for
the big city around your age.

Of course, back then
all you needed

was a bar of soap
and your wits.

We're gonna miss you,
Nicole.

And so will
little Maria.

[ Baby crying in distance ]

Ah, sounds like
Coral's stirring.

I'll go get Coral.

No, no. Stay.
I'll get Maria.

[ Crying continues ]

Mm!

[ Door opens, closes ]

Hey. Still going
to New York, huh?

Yeah. I leave
tomorrow at 3:00.

Phew.
I thought I missed you.

I left a bunch of crap
in the Saturn

and wanted
to get it back.

Yeah. Here you go.

Whoa. My old Kris Kross CD!
[ Chuckles ]

I was getting the car
ready to sell,

and that was stuck
to a Frosty lid.

Wait. You're selling
the Saturn?

New York's way too expensive
for a car.

That's why all the cops
ride horses.

I'll take the subway,
no big deal.

No big deal? You're cool
with just dumping the Saturn?

Who cares about all the good
times we had in there?

And our Saturn talks -- I guess
those meant nothing to you.

Now you're upset?

You're more worked up
about the car

than when I said
I was leaving!

Well, to be fair,
the car isn't moving to New York

and totally bailing on me
for the rest of high school!

You know what? Forget it.
Have fun in New York!

Peace.

[ Insects chirping ]

Aren't the Cascades enchanting,
family?

[ Chuckles ]

No, thank you.

Oh, my God.
Is that Bigfoot?

Emery, get the camera!

Set it to burst mode!

[ Scoffs ]
Then just bring it here!

Louis?

Oh, hey.

I thought you and I
could celebrate

with some champagne.

I just want you to take a second
to really soak it all in.

You did it.

Thanks.

And you deserve
some fun,

so tomorrow, I'm buying
his-and-her Jet Skis

so we can zip around Havasu
like a pair of dragonflies.

They're not cheap,
but neither is happiness.

The book is a flop,
Louis!

What?

[ Sighs ] It sold less than
100 copies nationwide.

What about that line
at the store?

Everyone was there for some
other book -- "Boy Witch."

Written by a homeless
British teacher of all things.

Then why did you say
it was a hit?

Because between you
and the cake

and Evan's big saucer eyes
going blink, blink,

I didn't have a choice.

I guess people just weren't
ready for your talent.

But, hey, maybe your work
will be worth more when you're dead like Monet.

[ Sighs ]

We'll have to cancel
the road trip.

But the boys
were so excited.

But can't just
fake a book tour.

Everything will be fine.

I'll return this tomorrow,
and then when I get back,

we'll tell the boys
what happened with your book.

Okay?

Okay.

**

[ Door closes ]

Good night, Havasu.

**

[ Birds chirping ]

Morning, Ma.

I'm returning the RV,
so let me know

if you hid any chewing tobacco
in the seat pockets.

What?!

**

Where's the first stop
on the book tour, Mom?

Uh, Miami.

But we're going north.

It's a shortcut.

Huh. Why couldn't we
wait for Dad?

He'll join us later.
There was an emergency at Cattleman's Ranch.

What happened?!

Hector's earring
fell into the chili!

Let Mommy focus
on the road, please!

Eddie, I was hoping
we could really dig in

on your childhood today.

[ Growling ] Go...away!

We're gonna reschedule.
[ Pen clicks ]

Hey, uh,
is Kareem here?

They always ask for Kareem.

He's showing
a customer an RV.

Stupid question,
but what does "RV" stand for?

[ Snores ]

[ Quietly ]
Oh, sorry, sorry.

Did my wife return
an RV this morning?

20-foot ad of an Asian lady
on the side?

This morning? No.

Damn it.
She took our kids,

and I have no idea
where they went.

Well, our RVs come standard
with LoJack.

I could get the tracker
and help you find them.

Oh, great.
[ Chuckles ]

Uh, you and Kareem, right?

There it is!

Another win
for Team Kareem.

Kareem did it.

Not the computer
inside the LoJack.

[ Sighs ]

That's not good.

Don't worry. All the knives
are accounted for.

Hey, where's your mom?

Doing a reading
at the bookstore.

**

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?!
Dude, Nicole is gonna flip.

She has a poster of you
fighting Bruce Lee in her room.

Whoa. An RV is
no place to be sad.

My best friend is moving away,
and we got in a fight,

but I'm cool.
I'm cool.

A double "I'm cool"?

Let's not gloss over this.

[ Sighs ] I have three years
of high school left,

and she's the only friend
who really gets me,

who speaks Eddie.

I take it you're Eddie?

I get it.
It's hard to say goodbye.

But you're making this
about you.

You got to realize
that it's hard on her, too.

Why?
She's the one leaving me.

Look, I'm at my car lot
five days a year.

When I leave,
my employees are super sad,

but they're not seeing things
from where I stand at 7'2".

I have to leave my best friends,
K-- Ke-- Kevin, all of them.

I didn't even
think about that.

Don't let your
best friend leave

without knowing
she's your best friend.

I get it, Kareem.
Thanks.

I thought for sure that you were
gonna use a basketball metaphor.

Well, you know,
I'm a man of, uh, many talents.

They used to think they had me
pinned and then...

skyhook.
[ Chuckles ]

That's how you
break down a wall.

[ Scoffs ]
He can fly now?

Guess I should've
given Jennifer Hong

the ability
to defy physics.

Garbage.

Louis: Jessica?

Why'd you run off
with the boys?

I stole your idea.

I'm taking them
on a fake book tour.

It's going well. Tomorrow
we tackle the Panhandle.

Jessica,
what's going on?

I don't want the boys
to find out about my book.

They'll never
respect me again.

[ Scoffs ]
That's ridiculous.

Is it? You said yourself
they learn from watching us.

If they see my book is a dud,
you know what they learn?

That their mom
is a failure.

**

Just because
the book didn't sell

doesn't mean you are a failure,
but you can't hide this.

It's just as important
for the boys to see

how you deal with a loss
as it is to see you succeed.

It's just I've never failed
like this before in my life.

I know.

But I've failed
hundreds of times,

and you were always there
for me.

Let me be there for you.

You have failed a lot.

Building your own
dirt bike.

Beekeeping.

Cattleman's in a cup.
Yep.

The banjo,
"Top Hat" Louis,

forming your own
break-dance crew.

Okay, let's
go tell the boys.

I'm just gonna
finish this chapter. No.

Boys, your mother
has something

she needs to tell you
about her book.

Sometimes you forget how stupid
the rest of the world is.

Like how all anybody
cares about

is whether some snotty
British boy can fly and --

Eddie? What's wrong?

I never said goodbye
to Nicole.

And she leaves
in an hour,

and now we're here
on this book tour.

I messed up.

**

Book tour is cancelled.

We're going home
so Eddie can see Nicole.

-Sweet!
-Yes.

You're not gonna
tell them?

I will later, but right now,
our son needs us.

The one thing
I can't ever fail is our boys.

Oh!

[ Keys clatter ]
How about a heads-up?

**

[ Brakes hiss ]

Damn it!
We're 40 minutes late!

Nicole!
You're still here!

I thought you
were leaving at 3:00.

I'm leaving at 5:00.

I told you 3:00 because

it always takes you longer
than it should to come around.

[ Sighs ]
You really do speak Eddie.

Got time
for one last Saturn talk?

I'm sorry I was a dope.

I'm just...really
gonna miss you.

You're going to miss me?

How am I supposed
to make it without you?

You had permanent shotgun.

I mean, you've been there
through everything.

I know it sucks we won't
be together talking like this,

but you're gonna kill it
in New York.

You're Nicole.
[ Chuckles ]

I'm gonna miss you, girl.

I'm gonna miss you, fool.

**

[ Sighs ]

[ Sniffles ]

Are you crying?

Nah. It's just my allergies.
[ Chuckles ]

Okay.

Because you know what happens in
here stays in here, forever.

Whew!

It's -- It's really
flaring up now.

[ Both laugh ]

And with that home run,

Sammy Sosa retakes the lead
over Mark McGwire.

Slammin' Sammy!

You know he's
on steroids, right?

What steroids?

Hey, I know it's going
to be difficult,

but you still
need to tell the boys

what happened
with the book.

**

What book?

[ Sighs ]

I know what you're doing,

but you can't
just deny it happened.

Deny what happened?

Uh-oh.

So you're the only new kid.
Big deal, right?

You are gonna crush
first grade, Soph.

Thanks, Dad.
A-A-And in case you do get nervous,

I got you
something special.

A magical amulet.

Nothing bad can happen to you
when you got this guy on.

(wizard voice) Careful! Ooh,
don't let the magic out!

(gasps)

Did you make this
out of Post-its?

No!

Yes.
It's gonna be way worse for me

if I'm wearing sticky notes
around my neck.

I'm good on my own.

(normal voice)
You're good on your own?

Yeah.
See you at pickup.

Okay.

Bye.
(smooches)

WILL (SOFTLY):
* I've been staring at the edge of the water *

* Long as I can remember

* Never really knowing why,
cha cha cha cha cha *

Are you whisper-singing
"Moana" at me?

Well, yeah, 'cause it always
calms you down.

But not now.
Bad timing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Come on.

Read the room, right?
Okay, you got this.

Bye, I love you.
-Bye.

-It's gonna be fun.
-What if I miss you?

Look, buddy,
we talked about this.

It's only six hours.
You're gonna do great.

Can I have your scarf?

Graham, we're not
doing the scarf thing.

Please. It helps when I have
something of yours to sniff.

Look, I don't want you
sitting at your desk during recess sniffing my stuff.

Okay, fine, but you're gonna
eat vegetables tonight,

the green bummer ones.

(sniffs deeply)
Mmm.

Like coconuts
and safety.

Mom? I'm regretting
the purple.

I should have dressed
like a normal kid.

Hey. What's the one thing
you always have to be?

-Myself?
-And who are you?

Honestly, Mom,
I don't even know right now.

Hey, you are a smart,
stylish young man

who could pull off jewel tones
better than anyone I know.

And you can cut a rug.

Okay.

Today, I am a grape!

You heard him.
My kid's living his truth.

Dad, you forgot
our lunch boxes.

Okay, tell you what.

Take 20 bucks and buy yourself
a burger from the grill, huh?

Dad, this isn't the club.
There's no grill.

Right. Here, sweetheart.
Get yourself some crap

with a rainbow on it.
My kid's taking your lunch.

Hey!
No one ever packed me snacks. Make it work.

Dad, you can't
call girls "sweetheart."

It's not empowering.

Okay, let me tell you
what is empowering --

fending for yourself.

Kids today,
they're treated like morons.

But not you two.

I would share a foxhole
with both of you,

and that is the highest
compliment I can give you.

All right, hit me
with the family motto.

No weakness.
Drain the swamp.

(all exhale sharply)

Excuse me. Sir?
Are you supposed to be here?

Do you have a child
in this class?

Oh, uh,
he's my neighbor.

He's 20,
and he's raising a baby alone.

He hasn't fully accepted

that his life has changed
forever, you know?

Yeah, um, I'm not
running a support group.

You're a little mean.
I like it.

(Jack cries)
Where am I?

Oh, I had
the strangest dream.

(Jack cooing)

Oh.

Sir, I'm gonna
ask you to leave.

He goes where we go.

Here you go.
Get yourself something nice.

I can't accept tips.

Okay. It, uh,
"dropped on the floor."

(Ringing)

Attention! Excuse me!

Hello, hi!
Quiet coyotes.

Quiet coyotes.
Thank you.

My name is Will Cooper,

and I have the honor
of being your Room Parent.

-Nice.
-That's exciting.

-Oh, no.
-Ooh, this is bad.

Is he wearing a necklace
made of garbage?

Uh, Sophie and I
are new to the school,

and we are so looking forward

to getting to know
every one of you.

I am single.

Um...

Always try to
get that out there.

Just never quite sure
how to work it in.

But that just means
I have more time

for creating a little
hot lunch option I call...

(Oprah-style singsong voice)
..."Taco Tuesday," y'all!

(Applause)
(Normal voice) Right?

Did he just
"Oprah" that?

He know he's white,
right?

Everybody knows.

Come on! Give me fives!
All right!

Somebody tell me
when it's safe

for my nuts
to return to my body.

Now, I see a lot of you
are wondering,

"Where do I fit
into the equation?"

Five words -- "One hundred
percent parent participation."

He's got to be kidding.
(Murmuring)

-I am not kidding.
-Not happening.

I'm gonna be standing
right outside that door

with this sign-up sheet, okay?

This is what's become
of the American male.

We used to make things.

Empathy, Douglas.
He's single. We're single.

No, I've never been
that single.

Do not try to avoid me,

'cause I will hunt you down
and circle you like a shark.

(imitating shark)
(children gasp)

**

Okay, guys,
we need to talk babysitting.

I'll need help
Thursday because

all the paralegals
are going out to karaoke.

Just kidding.
We're staying late to file.

On Thursday, I'm busy.

I got to 'Gram
my new Yeezys.

You're a ridiculous person.
Thanks, man!

Well, at least
he doesn't eat steak

with the same pasty old
white guys night after night.

We're not
pasty old white guys.

We're dermatologists

saving the lives
of pasty old white guys.

Hey, guys,
I need some help.

Found this
in Graham's backpack.

Aww, Graham
wrote a love letter.

Aww.

-Oh, no, to Zoe?
-Yes.

That girl who always
wears bunny ears?

-She's crazy.
-She runs the school.

And if she
breaks Graham's heart,

I will chop off her feet
and turn them into keychains.

-Huh?
-Just kidding.

But I'll be really mad.
(indistinct talking in distance)

Oh, God, the new guy.

...field trips? Actually,
are you insured drivers?

We have got to deal
with him.

But I have no time to be
handing out tacos all year. No.

Word.
I'm still in awe of how you did away

with last year's
Room Parent.

You wiped all trace of us from
that phone tree. It's kind

Parents! Will Cooper!

I just wanted to,
uh, circle back

and see where we are
vis-à-vis committees.

You know what?
Let me say it plain --

we're not gonna do anything
you want us to do.

No, man.
We're single parents.

We don't volunteer.
We just try and survive

until a time in the day when
it's appropriate to open wine.

I don't know if you
heard my announcement, but I'm single, as well.

-We heard.
-We -- We heard. -We heard, bro.

So I have no wiggle room
on parent participation.

You're in deep,
aren't you?

Deep in what?

The vortex.

That place where you're
so wrapped up in your kid

that you've lost all touch
with your adult life

and the person
you used to be.

I know,
'cause I've been there.

* The wheels on the bus
go round and round * (baby crying)

* Round and round,
round and round *

* The wheels on the bus
go round and round *

(thud)

It happens
to all of us.

But (chuckles) I don't think
I'm in a vortex.

Will, when was the last time
you stayed up past 10:00?

In the nighttime?

Okay, when's the last time
you made love?

(laughing) Oh, my...

It's okay.
There's no judgment here.

This is a safe space.

For real.
Yeah, just tell us. Just ballpark.

All right, ballpark...

give or take a month,
it's been about...

five years.

-Oh, baby, no.
-Whoo!

(indistinct shouting)

-Dang!
-Oh, my God.

You guys said that
this was a safe space.

Not that safe.

You know, what you need
is a date.

Poppy?

There. I made you
a Tinder account.

How did you -- Is that my face
on Putin's body?

Pushing you into
the deep end, Will.

That's how we do this.

If I'm being honest,
the timing's not great.

It's 120 days
till Christmas --

Are you gonna hide
behind that sign-up sheet

or am I swiping right?

I've got Room Parent
responsibilities --

Swipe! Swipe!
I have no investment either way.

I've never done something
like this before, okay? (chanting "Swipe!")

You know what? Do it.
Swipe left!

It's "swipe right."

It's "swipe right,"
and you just said that. Sorry.

Okay, okay, okay.
We got Emma, we got Amy,

we got Rory, we got Graham.
Who are you?

Wrong van, kid.
Get out of here. Beat it.

Angie! Hey!
Will Cooper from yesterday.

So, tonight's date night.
-Ooh.

Remember, a real man
pays for dinner.

Is that true? I mean, I don't
know by 2018's standards --

Will, I say this
with an open heart

and nothing but love --

you're a disaster.
-Preach.

Yeah, I don't know
if I'm a disaster.

I mean, yes,
I'm experiencing some anxiety,

but that's normal, okay?
And I'm just --

Will. I don't have time
for this.

-Oh.
-We got you the date,

and now I have to babysit
everyone else's kids

so I can have a Saturday night
to drink champagne out of a can

and watch
a bird documentary.

Okay, 'cause I was actually
coming over to say

I could babysit today
if you wa--

-We'll be there in 15 minutes.
-Oh, cool.

* That's right
DIEGO: Yo, why did

you bring your baby
to the sneaker line?

'Cause free babysitting doesn't
just fall out of the sky.

(scoffs)
(cellphone chimes)

Oh, snap!
Free babysitting!

All right, yo, hey.
Be right back.

Wait --
Okay.

I -- Imma come back.
Hold my spot.

I -- I'll be back
without the baby. Just me.

Hold my spot!

**

(doorbell rings)
Welcome, dudes! Will Cooper!

Do you guys want to go
play in my room?

The theme is
"tasteful unicorn."

Thanks a lot. We'll be back
in a few. Good God.

-This place is a wonderland.
-Every chair is a beanbag.

There's no chair
that isn't a beanbag.

All chairs
currently have beans.

Indoor trampoline?

So they can bounce
when it's raining.

(door closes)
Will, sit down.

(thud)

What are you gonna wear
on your date tonight?

-This?
-Oh, God.

(chuckles)
Oh, you're serious.

Or -- Or...

(Zipping)
...I do have another option.

Ah!

Shorts!
(Jack cries)

Y-Your pants are making
my baby cry, man!

Make it stop.
Make it all stop.

Here. Oh.
I know. I know.

Rock, squat, pause.

Rock, squat, pause.

(crying stops)
Oh. There we go.

Oh, my God.
What did you do?

It's a little something
I call

rock, squat, pause.

-"Puss"?
-No.

-"Puzz."
-Rock, squat --

Listen --
rock, squat, pause.

-Puh...
-"Pause." "Pause."

Oh, "pause"!

Say it with me.
Ro--

-Never.
-Nah, man.

What if I learn
to do that

and then I haven't had sex
in five years

and I'm wearing pants
that zip off into shorts?

Give me my baby.
(Jack coos)

Ah, you guys,
you're right.

I-I -- I'm clearly
not ready, okay?

I-I say we put the brakes
on the date tonight,

okay, just until after
Taco Tuesday's figured out.

I want to keep that guac
from browning --

No. No. Focus.

There's honestly a lot of fear
that's creeping in.

-Take a deep breath.
-(exhales sharply)

You're going on this date.

(unsure) Good.
I'm excited about that.

DOUGLAS: Hey,
so just making sure,

you're gonna be taking
Emma and Amy tonight?

Because I'm getting together
with my dermatologist pals.

Oh, Rory wanted me
to ask you to come

to his dance party
tonight.

Aww, what a sweetheart.
Pass.

I told you,
he's going through a thing.

He won't even wear his favorite
leotard to school

'cause he's scared other kids
will make fun of him.

Well, of course they're
gonna make fun of him.

When I was a boy,

I got beaten up for smiling
at a basketball game.

All right, look.
I don't know why,

but my kid likes you.

Okay? And in case
you haven't noticed,

he doesn't have another man
in his life,

so why don't you just
show up for him?

I don't dance, okay,
especially with guys.

You know, I still can't
wrap my head around this place.

Why does every book have to be
on yoga and menopause?

Douglas...
you are why we march.

Oh, God.

Yo, why do we
have to do this again?

I just don't want to send him
out into the world like this.

I mean,
it would be a crime.

It's like leaving a baby
on a doorstep

and hoping for the best.

Miggy.
Hmm?

You can't actually
do that.

-(scoffs) I knew that.
-Just checking.

I just don't want him
to bomb his date

and start harassing us again
about hot lunch.

This is the third pair
of earmuffs I have found.

Who hurt this guy?

"Zoe, I want to hug you
and give you all my gum."

That's a great start.

I've been in love with Zoe
since day one of kindergarten.

Then she put those
bunny ears on --

stick a fork in me,
I'm done.

-It's your first love.
-(slurps)

That's a big deal.
It's exciting.

You shouldn't be afraid
to let your feelings out.

Exactly.

That's how I want to play it
with Zoe.

Raw, open, positive.

Oh, by the way,

don't let my mom scare you
about the date tonight.

She doesn't
believe in love because...

my dad is kind of
a garbage human.

That's good to know.

But I'm gonna cut you off
on the juice boxes, 'kay, bud?

Hey, Will? Angie says
I have to give you a makeover.

(sighs)
This is my Everest.

ANGIE: (in distance)
Oh, my God!

**

Angie, are you hurt?

Why do you have this?

Oh. (scoffs)

Honestly, I've never
seen that before in my life.

Dude, your wallet
is in here

and a bag of popcorn
that's still hot.

You've used this today.

Yeah, I use it
for snacks, okay?

Nobody ever tells dads
what to do about snacks,

and this is a good
snack holder.

It was actually my wife's...
before she left.

Oh. I'm sorry.

Do you think that
maybe there's a reason --

I don't know, just
throwing it out there --

that this is the bag
she didn't take when she left?

(both laugh)

Do you miss her?

No.

But I miss having someone,

and not just for the bad stuff
or hard stuff or whatever,

but -- but for
all of the good things,

like when she
lost her first tooth

and when she
told her first joke

and the week she
demanded I call her

"Jelly Bean
Teen Machine."

Nobody tells you
how lonely it can be.

One time, I made a boyfriend
out of a pile of laundry...

and I rolled around
in him.

(chuckles)

It wasn't built to last.

(both laugh)

But when you have kids,
something happens to you.

You become mush.
Mm.

But you got to hide that.
That's what I tell Graham.

Otherwise, that little weirdo's
gonna get his heart broken.

I-I honestly don't know

if I'm capable
of hiding my mush.

I mean,
you guys are lucky.

You have each other
to look out for one another,

but it's just me.

Do you ever
look at each other and go,

"Ah, it takes a vill--"
Don't say it.

Just throw out
the bag.

Hey. Did Angie
text you her plan?

Yeah, we help him
get ready for the date,

and then we never
have to volunteer.

Hello, ladies.

-Hi, Dad.
-Hey, Dad.

-Hey, girls. What are you doing?
-Will's floor mats.

Would it kill him to shampoo
them once in a while?

People don't think
that kids can buff and wax,

but they're
the perfect height.

Before I can commit to a blazer,
ask yourself --

can this man pull off
this vest?

I mean, he doesn't
have the arms,

but, you know,
he might have the attitude.

-No, no vest.
-Vest.

-For the love of God, no vest.
-Mm-hmm. Vest.

Maybe this
wants to live here,

for tonight's dance party?
-I'm seeing it.

-* Dance party
-Oh, okay, please.

Forget it. We've been trying
to get him

to sing and dance
for years.

They're right.
I-I'm sorry, kid,

but I'm not
going to the party.

That's okay.
Maybe next time.

(birds chirping)

Nice, Douglas.
Real nice.

Rory, I'll wear your vest.
-What?

You don't have the right torso
for a vest, Mom.

Stop trying
to make it happen.

-Ah, I get it, Doug.
-Douglas.

Afraid to risk
embarrassing yourself,

but that's the greatest part
of parenting is,

it gets you
out of your comfort zone.

Look, I'm not interested
in leaving my comfort zone,

and I haven't been
since my wife died.

Oh, I'm --
No, no, I see you want to hug me,

and I'm gonna have to
stop you right there.

I can't imagine
losing your best friend.

She was a 26-year-old
exotic dancer.

She looked great
in pants.

Ain't love
a funny thing.

Anyway, I said,
"Okay, I'll have kids,"

thinking I would change
one diaper

and get dementia right before
they hit their teens.

Instead, she dropped dead
and left me with two baby girls.

The point is, I don't need
any more surprises.

All right, but it's never
too late to try something new.

I think it'd be
good for you, Doug.

Douglas.
I think it'd be good for your girls.

You don't have to
go it alone.

I can be your friend,
Doug.

Douglas.
It's Douglas.

And I don't need
any more friends.

The only reason
why any of us are here

is so we can
get out of volunteering.

Wait, hold on.

Angie, is that true?

Look...
(sighs)

I told you about
Jelly Bean Teen Machine.

Wait.
We wanted to help you.

I mean, we do now.
-No, it's fine, honestly.

We're not friends,
which is actually a good thing,

'cause now I can admit I didn't
throw away the mermaid bag.

I hid it in the petticoat
of Barbie B. Anthony!

DOUGLAS: A man
with a mermaid bag.

I blame Obama.

I don't know
how to cover up my mush.

But maybe
that's not a bad thing.

Maybe you guys could actually
use a little bit more mush.

Will, I will
hand out tacos.

No. Don't, okay?

It's just disappointing.

I thought I'd finally
found

a group
that I could share this with.

It takes a vill--
-Don't say it.

It takes a vill--

-Stop!
-No, no.

Well, thanks
for getting me a date,

which I now have to go on.

Sophie, I'm taking you
to Nana's.

It takes a village.
Ha, I did it.

Dang, girl.
I just love you.

I love you, too, honey.

And also you told me
five minutes ago.

No, I was reading over
an e-mail to Zoe.

I think it's good.
Send.

(whoosh)
What? You sent?

You got to put yourself
out there.

Will gets it.
He told me to go for it.

That was
a really fun dinner.

I loved when you looked up
from your phone.

But it is good that you got to
FaceTime with your sister.

You guys worked through
so many issues.

(door slams)

Should we make out now?

Gah.

**

Mwah. Mwah. Oh, wow,
this is happening.

-Take your pants off.
-Get these jeans down.

There we go. Okay.

Oh.

Oh,
the touch of a woman.

(exhales sharply)
I love you.

You what?

(door slams)

Good night.

(sighs)

Oh, my keys.

(knocks on door)
Heather, please open the door. Please let me in.

(pounding on door)
I need to come into your apartment.

I'm just a dad who says

"I love you"
a thousand times a day,

and that's not a bad thing.

Hi, are you in there?
I don't love you.

I'm not even sure I like you.

My keys are inside!

(cellphone rings)
Heather -- Will Cooper.

How could you tell Graham
to put himself out there?

He's gonna get hurt.
Wait, why are you answering?

Aren't you supposed to
be on a date?

Well, I let out my mush,

and now there's mush
all over this lady's apartment,

and my keys
are locked inside.

You guys were right.
I can't do this.

(siren wails in distance)
But maybe that's a good thing,

because I actually like
being single.

It's gonna give me
more time to figure out

Sophie's Halloween costume.

She's going as a princess,

but I have to find
my own spin on that.

Uh, are those sirens?

Yeah, but they're not for me.

-Sir, don't move.
-Oh, they are for me.

Oh -- Oh, my God.
Will. Will --

-Hello, officers.
-Will, what's going on?

Will Cooper.

* That's right, hold it down

(Jack coos)
Miggy! Emergency! Get in!

Dude, tell your weird
parent friends to stay away.

We got to earn respect
on the sneaker line.

(Jack coos)

(indistinct conversations)

**

So I cut off
the skin tag on the green,

and I still managed
to make a birdie.

(laughter)
Douglas.

Will's in trouble.
We got to go.

What, I-I --
I'm the only babysitter you got,

and I'm not afraid
to go on strike.

**

My ex, she's in the Sudan.

She's a human-rights lawyer.
She's doing great work,

and -- and, you know,
I don't fault her for that.

I just -- I-I never imagined
raising a child on my own,

and I think part of me still
feels like she's coming back.

Dude,
she's not coming back.

**

We all got left,
but we're not alone.

(gate closes)

Officers, let him go.
He's not dangerous.

Look at his shoes.
He's wearing Keds.

OFFICER: His Keds
are not the issue, ma'am.

But they are an issue.

Look,
he didn't hurt anyone.

Let's forget about this,
officers.

Go ahead.
Get yourself something nice.

I know what you make.

Sir, put the money away.
You, come with us.

(cellphone ringing)
I -- I'm so sorry.

Sophie, hey.

Dad, I know I said I didn't
need the song anymore, but...

Of course.

* I've been staring
at the edge of the water *

* Long as I can remember

* Never really knowing why

* I wish I could
be the perfect daughter *

* But I go back to the water

* No matter how hard I try

BOTH: * See the line
where the sky meets the sea *

* It calls me

* And no one knows

* How far it goes

EMMA: I knew it.

-* What's beyond that line?
Will I cross that line? * -He knows all the words.

-* The line where
the sky meets the sea * -That beautiful bastard.

WILL: * It calls me

* And no one knows
-Rory, would you like to dance?

-* How far it goes
-The answer is always yes.

-* If the wind in my sail
on the sea stays behind me * -Hey.

-* One day I'll know
-You're looking so good, Rory!

* How far I'll go

-Whoo! Go, baby!
-Whoo-hoo!

(vocalizing)

What's happening?
Who are these people?

They're my village.

-No, boo.
-You ruined it.

Dad, you've got
to tighten up.

**

Mwah. Look at you
not asking for a scarf.

Soph.

-TOGETHER: No weakness!
-Yes. Ow.

Rory.
-Douglas.

BOTH: Rock, squat, pause.
Rock, squat, pause.

-The -- The pause is a bounce.
-Oh, a bounce.

(gasps) Guys. Zoe.
She's going for Graham.

Don't let the bunny ears
fool you.

She's a cold-blooded killer!
-Hey, hey, hey, hang on.

He's got this.

I got your e-mail.

It shook me
to my core.

**

**

She likes him.

(gasps) That Easter freak
likes my kid!

Aww, and they're sharing gum.
That's huge.

It's gross.
-It is gross.

But it's -- it's huge.

I told you. Mush works.

And from now on,
I will eat at restaurants

that don't give out crayons.
-Whoo!

-Yeah!
-I'm gonna maybe

start drinking coffee
after 4:00 p.m.

-Whoo!
-Sounds fine.

I am out of the vortex!

-Yeah!
-Yeah!

Okay.

Don't go up the slide.

-* Oh, baby, please
-He's a long way from sex.

I am out of the vortex!

-* Give a little respect
-I watched a guy get crushed by a forklift,

but this is worse.
-Word.

Third time's the charm.

(grunts)

* To me

I'm out of the vortex!

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