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1
00:00:02,521 --> 00:00:04,355
Well, Thursdays are
open house day,
2
00:00:04,390 --> 00:00:07,725
and on Fridays,
we do happy hour after work.
3
00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,428
- Do we get paid for that?
- [Laughs] No!
4
00:00:10,462 --> 00:00:12,964
It's an opportunity to get
to know your co-workers better.
5
00:00:12,998 --> 00:00:14,499
Mm. Pass. [Sighs]
6
00:00:14,533 --> 00:00:18,937
That is why I hired you.
You are always negotiating.
7
00:00:18,971 --> 00:00:21,706
And now we can be a team
instead of competitors.
8
00:00:21,740 --> 00:00:24,876
Oh, like those chipmunks.
I am Alvin.
9
00:00:26,152 --> 00:00:26,910
Okay.
10
00:00:26,930 --> 00:00:29,280
Here is the first property
I need you to sell.
11
00:00:30,144 --> 00:00:31,492
A condo? [Vacuum whirring]
12
00:00:31,512 --> 00:00:35,347
Ashley, give me something good.
I can sell anything.
13
00:00:35,367 --> 00:00:39,537
Well, if you want a challenge...
the Allen house.
14
00:00:39,557 --> 00:00:41,892
[Whistles] The Allen house?
15
00:00:42,494 --> 00:00:45,618
No one ever goes in.
No one ever comes out.
16
00:00:46,069 --> 00:00:48,474
Well, that makes sense
if no one ever goes in.
17
00:00:48,494 --> 00:00:50,235
[Whirring continues]
18
00:00:50,779 --> 00:00:52,655
We've had the Allen house
on the market for years,
19
00:00:52,675 --> 00:00:54,304
and nobody's been able
to sell it.
20
00:00:54,338 --> 00:00:55,872
It has a rodent problem.
21
00:00:55,906 --> 00:00:57,007
It's pet-friendly.
22
00:00:57,041 --> 00:00:58,908
- The roof has a hole.
- Skylight.
23
00:00:58,943 --> 00:01:00,367
There was a brutal murder there.
24
00:01:00,387 --> 00:01:03,647
So statistically,
another murder is unlikely.
25
00:01:03,667 --> 00:01:04,848
Okay, great.
26
00:01:04,882 --> 00:01:06,149
[Papers rustle]
27
00:01:06,583 --> 00:01:07,817
Here you go.
28
00:01:07,851 --> 00:01:10,186
The address is
44 west 44th street.
29
00:01:10,220 --> 00:01:12,188
Aw, hell, no! [Thud]
30
00:01:12,222 --> 00:01:13,456
W-what's wrong?
31
00:01:13,490 --> 00:01:15,691
Well, in the Chinese culture,
the number 4 is bad luck.
32
00:01:15,726 --> 00:01:17,912
On account it's pronounced si,
33
00:01:17,932 --> 00:01:21,339
which sounds like the Chinese
word for "death," se.
34
00:01:21,588 --> 00:01:23,604
The garbage man is right.
35
00:01:23,624 --> 00:01:26,736
Promote him to garbage boss.
36
00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:29,619
S01E11
Very Superstitious
37
00:01:29,639 --> 00:01:30,772
Fresh off the boat
38
00:01:30,807 --> 00:01:32,641
I'm gettin' mine
everywhere I go
39
00:01:32,675 --> 00:01:34,776
If you don't know, homey,
now you know
40
00:01:34,811 --> 00:01:36,044
Fresh off the boat
41
00:01:36,078 --> 00:01:38,713
Homey don't know
where I come from
42
00:01:38,748 --> 00:01:39,915
But I know where I'm goin'
43
00:01:39,949 --> 00:01:41,631
I'm fresh off the boat
44
00:01:41,651 --> 00:01:43,714
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
45
00:01:46,892 --> 00:01:49,251
Can you please come in here?
46
00:01:49,271 --> 00:01:52,162
I don't want to be
in the same room as that flier.
47
00:01:52,182 --> 00:01:54,214
Eddie: My mom wasn't trying
to be around any bad luck.
48
00:01:54,234 --> 00:01:57,031
That's why she banned
all the number 4s in the house.
49
00:01:57,066 --> 00:01:59,200
What time is it? [Scrubbing]
50
00:01:59,234 --> 00:02:01,769
Quarter to "h."
51
00:02:03,939 --> 00:02:05,973
[Magazine thuds]
It's just "Forbes" magazine.
52
00:02:06,041 --> 00:02:07,642
It's too close.
53
00:02:07,676 --> 00:02:10,344
Yay! I'm 3!
54
00:02:10,379 --> 00:02:13,147
I'm second 3!
[Noisemaker toots]
55
00:02:15,317 --> 00:02:17,394
[Paper crumples]
56
00:02:17,414 --> 00:02:20,410
Fours aren't so bad.
There's four ninja turtles.
57
00:02:20,430 --> 00:02:23,565
You mean those karate frogs
who eat pizza in a sewer?
58
00:02:23,585 --> 00:02:25,326
That seems bad.
59
00:02:25,360 --> 00:02:26,994
Emery, don't even try.
60
00:02:27,014 --> 00:02:29,030
Mom is crazy superstitious.
61
00:02:29,064 --> 00:02:31,399
You know that Stevie Wonder song
"Superstition"?
62
00:02:31,433 --> 00:02:33,616
She won't listen to it because she thinks
that's what made him blind.
63
00:02:33,636 --> 00:02:36,037
I am not crazy superstitious.
64
00:02:36,071 --> 00:02:38,506
You know who's
crazy superstitious? Grandma.
65
00:02:38,540 --> 00:02:39,707
She won't face north.
66
00:02:39,741 --> 00:02:42,109
She thinks jade
wards off evil spirits.
67
00:02:42,144 --> 00:02:44,045
And have you seen her room?
68
00:02:44,079 --> 00:02:47,682
[Paula Cole's "Where have all
the cowboys gone?" playing]
69
00:02:47,716 --> 00:02:48,883
Hmm.
70
00:02:48,917 --> 00:02:52,367
_
71
00:02:52,387 --> 00:02:54,937
_
72
00:02:55,772 --> 00:02:57,892
You have to be patient
with grandma.
73
00:02:57,926 --> 00:03:00,261
Every generation gets
less and less superstitious,
74
00:03:00,295 --> 00:03:02,114
just like how they get
less and less racist.
75
00:03:02,134 --> 00:03:06,400
Well, me avoiding that number
has kept this family protected.
76
00:03:06,435 --> 00:03:10,010
Sure, but didn't you tell
your boss you can sell anything?
77
00:03:10,030 --> 00:03:12,078
Yes, but it's not about
my ability...
78
00:03:12,098 --> 00:03:14,675
Besides, the extra money
wouldn't hurt.
79
00:03:14,709 --> 00:03:16,310
The restaurant's been
a little slow lately,
80
00:03:16,344 --> 00:03:19,013
so I was thinking about getting
a mechanical bull
81
00:03:19,047 --> 00:03:22,283
to steer in the crowds.
82
00:03:23,585 --> 00:03:24,552
Did you get it?
83
00:03:24,586 --> 00:03:25,820
Yes. It's hilarious.
84
00:03:25,854 --> 00:03:27,821
I don't have to laugh
to think it's funny.
85
00:03:27,856 --> 00:03:29,290
Oh, okay. [Chuckles]
86
00:03:29,324 --> 00:03:30,924
[School bell rings]
87
00:03:30,959 --> 00:03:32,626
Who wants the latest 2Pac?
88
00:03:32,661 --> 00:03:33,861
Dubbed straight from the radio.
89
00:03:33,895 --> 00:03:35,522
5 bucks makes it happen.
90
00:03:35,542 --> 00:03:36,657
I'll give you $3.
91
00:03:36,677 --> 00:03:38,445
Yo, is this a farmers market?
92
00:03:38,465 --> 00:03:39,719
Am I selling squash?
93
00:03:39,739 --> 00:03:41,635
Get outta here, haggle-puss!
94
00:03:41,669 --> 00:03:44,204
Are you selling bootleg cds?
95
00:03:44,239 --> 00:03:45,506
[Students murmuring]
96
00:03:45,540 --> 00:03:47,141
You know I was.
[Jewel case clatters]
97
00:03:47,175 --> 00:03:50,310
You didn't lie to me.
I like that.
98
00:03:50,345 --> 00:03:52,413
Eddie Huang, right?
99
00:03:52,447 --> 00:03:54,548
You're that new teacher
with the ponytail.
100
00:03:54,582 --> 00:03:57,651
Ray. Yeah, they...
they make me put it back.
101
00:03:57,685 --> 00:04:00,287
And I'm not a teacher.
I'm a counselor.
102
00:04:00,321 --> 00:04:02,256
Friendship is my curriculum.
103
00:04:02,290 --> 00:04:04,391
Does that mean
I'm not gonna get detention?
104
00:04:05,827 --> 00:04:08,061
Eddie, I'm not about punishment.
105
00:04:08,096 --> 00:04:10,497
But I am about
you channeling that hustle
106
00:04:10,532 --> 00:04:12,366
into something more positive,
107
00:04:12,400 --> 00:04:14,501
like student council.
108
00:04:14,536 --> 00:04:17,604
You'll get one free period
every day.
109
00:04:17,639 --> 00:04:18,639
Really?
110
00:04:18,673 --> 00:04:20,474
And you'll get
to show celebrity visitors
111
00:04:20,508 --> 00:04:21,842
around the school.
112
00:04:21,876 --> 00:04:23,644
Like Shaq.
113
00:04:23,678 --> 00:04:24,778
Well, I was gonna say McGruff
114
00:04:24,812 --> 00:04:27,514
or the helping hand
from hamburger helper,
115
00:04:27,548 --> 00:04:28,915
but if Shaq visits,
116
00:04:28,950 --> 00:04:30,684
uh, sure. [Gasps]
117
00:04:30,718 --> 00:04:32,019
[Chair thuds]
118
00:04:32,053 --> 00:04:33,820
Think about it, Eddie.
119
00:04:33,855 --> 00:04:35,689
Look into your third eye.
120
00:04:35,723 --> 00:04:36,990
My...
121
00:04:37,024 --> 00:04:38,158
butthole?
122
00:04:38,192 --> 00:04:40,961
No! No. No, no. No, no.
No! No! No.
123
00:04:40,995 --> 00:04:43,897
Uh... It's like
an inner peace thing.
124
00:04:44,732 --> 00:04:48,183
You know what? It's cool.
Just... Forget it.
125
00:04:51,012 --> 00:04:52,672
This is so big.
126
00:04:53,318 --> 00:04:54,686
How many bedrooms?
127
00:04:54,706 --> 00:04:57,544
Jessica: [In distance]
Between three and five!
128
00:04:59,193 --> 00:05:00,572
Man: Are you going to
come inside?
129
00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:04,097
No. I'm good here!
I don't want to crowd you.
130
00:05:04,117 --> 00:05:05,284
Oh, thank you.
131
00:05:05,319 --> 00:05:07,920
I really appreciate
your laid-back attitude.
132
00:05:07,955 --> 00:05:09,622
[Sighs deeply]
133
00:05:09,656 --> 00:05:11,861
I have to go yell
through the back window.
134
00:05:11,881 --> 00:05:13,873
Don't go inside that house.
135
00:05:13,893 --> 00:05:16,261
We don't want the bad energy
to get on us,
136
00:05:16,296 --> 00:05:18,728
especially you, Eddie.
137
00:05:19,163 --> 00:05:22,563
Don't forget to check out
the spacious walk-in closets!
138
00:05:22,583 --> 00:05:24,570
So are you really gonna run
for class president?
139
00:05:24,604 --> 00:05:28,299
Yeah, man.
Shaq and a free period?
140
00:05:28,319 --> 00:05:31,148
Which I've already
started calling "naps 101."
141
00:05:31,168 --> 00:05:32,611
[Laughs] Naps 101!
142
00:05:33,045 --> 00:05:35,313
Like dalmatians, but with naps!
143
00:05:35,348 --> 00:05:36,648
[Laughing] I think
you've got a good shot.
144
00:05:36,682 --> 00:05:38,550
You got
an everyman's husky build
145
00:05:38,584 --> 00:05:40,852
and a middle class background,
so people can relate to you.
146
00:05:40,886 --> 00:05:42,854
Man, people don't think about that.
[Continues laughing]
147
00:05:42,889 --> 00:05:44,689
All they care about
is a cool slogan.
148
00:05:44,724 --> 00:05:46,725
And I got a dope one.
149
00:05:46,759 --> 00:05:49,194
Oh, God! Naps 101!
150
00:05:49,228 --> 00:05:52,516
Oh, man, you killed me
with that, Eddie.
151
00:05:52,687 --> 00:05:56,118
I'm starting to think about it.
Here I go again!
152
00:05:56,138 --> 00:05:57,836
[Laughing]
153
00:05:59,871 --> 00:06:02,120
"This Hoo-wang can
make it right"?
154
00:06:02,140 --> 00:06:03,307
It's pronounced wong.
155
00:06:03,341 --> 00:06:05,876
And it's a play on "wrong."
156
00:06:05,911 --> 00:06:07,878
All day with this.
157
00:06:07,913 --> 00:06:09,916
Dave: Cool. Chocolate dreidels.
158
00:06:09,936 --> 00:06:11,782
Phillip Goldstein for president!
159
00:06:11,817 --> 00:06:14,304
Choose the chosen one!
160
00:06:14,584 --> 00:06:15,653
Play a free game
of "street fighter"
161
00:06:15,687 --> 00:06:16,854
and vote for Brock.
162
00:06:16,888 --> 00:06:19,456
Don't leave your ballot blanka.
163
00:06:19,491 --> 00:06:21,652
Vote for Trent!
[Students gasp and murmur]
164
00:06:21,672 --> 00:06:23,315
Boy: Scottie Pippen?!
165
00:06:23,335 --> 00:06:25,262
My dad is his accountant.
166
00:06:25,297 --> 00:06:27,745
Who wants a free pair of airs?
167
00:06:27,765 --> 00:06:30,237
- Air Jordans?
- No, man.
168
00:06:30,532 --> 00:06:32,366
I got something even better.
169
00:06:33,547 --> 00:06:35,372
Air Pippens.
170
00:06:36,834 --> 00:06:40,580
- Andrew wants those.
- What?! I do not!
171
00:06:43,240 --> 00:06:46,007
Mom, I don't wanna eat!
Eating is lame!
172
00:06:46,281 --> 00:06:49,767
Sounds like you got
a big appetite for fun!
173
00:06:49,787 --> 00:06:51,888
Louis: Finnegan.
Which is why here...
174
00:06:51,922 --> 00:06:53,055
[Whip cracks]
At the Golden Saddle,
175
00:06:53,090 --> 00:06:56,025
we just opened up
our kids corral!
176
00:06:56,059 --> 00:06:57,293
Louis: I hate this guy.
177
00:06:57,327 --> 00:07:00,737
[Whip cracks]
We have all the latest games,
178
00:07:00,757 --> 00:07:02,999
like...
179
00:07:03,033 --> 00:07:05,167
[Whip cracks] And...
180
00:07:05,202 --> 00:07:06,569
[Laughs]
181
00:07:06,603 --> 00:07:07,970
Oh, water squirt.
182
00:07:08,005 --> 00:07:10,455
So bring the whole family down
to the Golden Saddle.
183
00:07:10,475 --> 00:07:13,626
[Whip cracks]
'Cause just like the food,
184
00:07:13,646 --> 00:07:16,349
the fun is well done.
185
00:07:16,369 --> 00:07:17,488
[Whip cracks]
186
00:07:19,711 --> 00:07:22,919
God, the budget on this thing
must've been insane. [Door opens]
187
00:07:23,519 --> 00:07:24,752
Louis?
188
00:07:24,787 --> 00:07:26,120
[Door closes] I sold it.
189
00:07:26,155 --> 00:07:28,490
I sold the Allen house!
190
00:07:28,524 --> 00:07:31,025
[Squeals] Congratulations!
I knew you could do it!
191
00:07:31,060 --> 00:07:32,794
[Laughs]
Ashley Alexander bought me
192
00:07:32,828 --> 00:07:34,462
a bottle of champagne
to celebrate.
193
00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:35,897
I took it back to the liquor store,
194
00:07:35,931 --> 00:07:37,765
bought nine snickers
and a crystal Pepsi.
195
00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:38,900
Oh.
196
00:07:38,934 --> 00:07:41,369
I'm seeing you through a Pepsi.
197
00:07:41,403 --> 00:07:43,137
[Both laugh]
198
00:07:43,172 --> 00:07:44,672
What a day!
199
00:07:44,707 --> 00:07:46,641
I told you there was nothing
to worry about.
200
00:07:46,675 --> 00:07:47,842
I already got
my commission check.
201
00:07:47,876 --> 00:07:50,011
Great. We can get that
mechanical bull asap
202
00:07:50,045 --> 00:07:51,846
and crush the kid corral.
203
00:07:51,880 --> 00:07:55,016
I'm gonna treat myself to
a pedicure done by a white lady.
204
00:07:55,050 --> 00:07:56,751
Oh. That's when you
know you've made it.
205
00:07:56,785 --> 00:07:57,919
Mm.
206
00:07:59,755 --> 00:08:01,989
[Whispers] Oh, no. Oh, my God.
207
00:08:02,024 --> 00:08:03,291
I know. Taxes, right?
208
00:08:03,325 --> 00:08:05,844
No. Look at this check number.
209
00:08:09,176 --> 00:08:11,879
No. No, no, no, no. don't...
don't look at that check number.
210
00:08:11,899 --> 00:08:13,133
Look at all the other numbers.
211
00:08:13,167 --> 00:08:14,634
- No.
- Look at the ones after the dollar sign.
212
00:08:14,669 --> 00:08:16,209
The bad luck followed me!
[Sighs]
213
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:17,950
Louis, we can't keep this money.
214
00:08:17,970 --> 00:08:19,554
Yes, we can. We totally can.
215
00:08:19,574 --> 00:08:21,108
No, we can't! It's tainted!
[Sighs]
216
00:08:21,142 --> 00:08:25,579
If we keep this, something bad
is gonna happen to our family.
217
00:08:25,613 --> 00:08:27,381
Please. We need to get rid
of this.
218
00:08:27,415 --> 00:08:28,849
[Sighs]
219
00:08:29,739 --> 00:08:30,484
Okay.
220
00:08:30,518 --> 00:08:33,908
If that's what you really
believe, I'll support you.
221
00:08:35,089 --> 00:08:37,457
[Exhales sharply]
This is for the best.
222
00:08:37,492 --> 00:08:38,892
Mm-hmm. [Exhales deeply]
223
00:08:38,927 --> 00:08:40,660
For the best. [Paper rips]
224
00:08:41,145 --> 00:08:43,921
Hello. I'd like to cash
this check, please.
225
00:08:46,035 --> 00:08:48,068
Oh. Is this your grandson?
226
00:08:48,102 --> 00:08:49,469
Granddaughter. [Thud]
227
00:08:49,504 --> 00:08:50,671
I'm sorry, sir.
228
00:08:50,705 --> 00:08:52,005
Ma'am.
229
00:08:52,040 --> 00:08:53,373
[Muzak playing]
230
00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:56,810
Hello. I'd like to cash
this check, please...
231
00:08:57,208 --> 00:08:59,379
Ma'am?
232
00:09:00,018 --> 00:09:01,498
Ma'am. [Chuckles]
233
00:09:04,198 --> 00:09:05,932
Everyone,
234
00:09:05,966 --> 00:09:08,538
meet... Romeo.
235
00:09:09,073 --> 00:09:12,171
I wish I could. Right, girls?
236
00:09:12,206 --> 00:09:15,485
[Scoffs] You don't always have
to be on, Vanessa.
237
00:09:15,505 --> 00:09:17,474
Check this out.
238
00:09:19,379 --> 00:09:20,613
[Electricity crackles]
239
00:09:20,647 --> 00:09:22,782
[Deep, ominous voice] Moo.
240
00:09:22,816 --> 00:09:24,951
Uh, that's kinda scary.
241
00:09:24,985 --> 00:09:26,385
Don't be silly.
242
00:09:26,420 --> 00:09:28,354
This is how we're gonna compete
with Golden Saddle's kid corral.
243
00:09:28,388 --> 00:09:32,458
They may have water squirt,
but we have 8 seconds of glory.
244
00:09:32,492 --> 00:09:36,421
I had 8 seconds of glory
last night. Right, girls?
245
00:09:36,441 --> 00:09:38,598
It's the morning, Vanessa.
Please, just stop it.
246
00:09:38,632 --> 00:09:40,266
Oh. Hey, Louis?
247
00:09:40,300 --> 00:09:42,265
- Your family's here.
- What?
248
00:09:42,285 --> 00:09:43,002
We gotta hide Romeo.
249
00:09:43,036 --> 00:09:45,304
Quick, cover him up and don't
mention him to Jessica.
250
00:09:45,338 --> 00:09:47,925
Mitch: All right. Um, here,
get that tablecloth.
251
00:09:47,945 --> 00:09:50,499
She doesn't know?
But she comes in all the time.
252
00:09:50,519 --> 00:09:51,507
What is your long-term plan?
253
00:09:51,527 --> 00:09:53,093
Well, what's your long-term
plan, Nancy?!
254
00:09:53,113 --> 00:09:54,797
You know I wanna
hire a detective
255
00:09:54,817 --> 00:09:55,951
to find my real mother!
256
00:09:55,971 --> 00:09:57,530
I... [chuckles] [Door opens]
257
00:09:57,550 --> 00:09:59,417
Hey! What are you guys
doing here?
258
00:09:59,452 --> 00:10:00,986
Well, I have
three open houses today,
259
00:10:01,020 --> 00:10:04,133
so I was hoping you could look
after the boys this afternoon.
260
00:10:04,153 --> 00:10:06,796
Absolutely. No problem.
261
00:10:06,816 --> 00:10:08,316
Thank you for being
so understanding
262
00:10:08,336 --> 00:10:10,401
about that commission check.
263
00:10:10,435 --> 00:10:13,452
Tonight, I'm going to make
your favorite pork bone stew.
264
00:10:13,472 --> 00:10:14,742
- I wish I...
- Don't.
265
00:10:14,762 --> 00:10:17,323
Whatever you're about to say,
I'm sure it's hilarious.
266
00:10:17,572 --> 00:10:20,077
[Chuckles]
267
00:10:20,619 --> 00:10:22,240
So people didn't like
your slogan?
268
00:10:22,260 --> 00:10:23,828
That doesn't mean
you still can't win.
269
00:10:23,848 --> 00:10:26,439
I'm up against "Street Fighter"
and chocolate tops.
270
00:10:26,459 --> 00:10:29,120
I'll be lucky if I even beat
the Scottie Pippen kid.
271
00:10:30,501 --> 00:10:32,304
Evan, do you need to go pee?
272
00:10:32,490 --> 00:10:34,524
No.
273
00:10:34,558 --> 00:10:36,626
Yes, but peeing is so boring,
274
00:10:36,660 --> 00:10:38,428
and I don't want to miss
anything.
275
00:10:38,462 --> 00:10:39,796
Nothing's gonna happen.
276
00:10:39,830 --> 00:10:41,534
[Sighs deeply]
277
00:10:42,299 --> 00:10:44,267
Boomin' onion, Mr. President?
278
00:10:44,301 --> 00:10:46,202
Dad, there's no way
I'm gonna win.
279
00:10:46,236 --> 00:10:48,438
Well, win or lose, we're putting
it on your college application
280
00:10:48,472 --> 00:10:50,484
because you literally
have nothing.
281
00:10:50,504 --> 00:10:53,961
It's just "was born,
likes lunch, ran for president."
282
00:10:56,050 --> 00:10:59,189
Do you think it'd be gross
to dip thiin clam chowder?
283
00:10:59,209 --> 00:11:01,084
I'm-a find out.
284
00:11:01,118 --> 00:11:03,086
Uhh! [Groans] Moo.
285
00:11:04,942 --> 00:11:07,601
I take a boring pee-pee
and I miss everything!
286
00:11:07,621 --> 00:11:10,059
This is grandma falling out of
her wheelchair all over again!
287
00:11:10,093 --> 00:11:12,712
What are you complaining about?
I'm the one who broke my arm.
288
00:11:12,732 --> 00:11:14,652
I'm never missing anything
again!
289
00:11:14,672 --> 00:11:17,076
Evan, see how long
you can cover your ears.
290
00:11:17,096 --> 00:11:18,673
Okay!
291
00:11:18,835 --> 00:11:21,050
Hey, boys, we can't let mom know
292
00:11:21,070 --> 00:11:22,838
Eddie tripped over the cord
of the mechanical bull
293
00:11:22,872 --> 00:11:24,072
and broke his arm.
294
00:11:24,107 --> 00:11:25,273
I didn't tell her I bought it,
295
00:11:25,308 --> 00:11:27,108
and if she finds out,
she'll be very upset.
296
00:11:27,143 --> 00:11:28,310
But why didn't you tell her?
297
00:11:28,344 --> 00:11:30,111
Because she's
crazy superstitious.
298
00:11:30,146 --> 00:11:32,013
She's gonna think this is
related to the Allen house,
299
00:11:32,048 --> 00:11:33,181
which it's not.
300
00:11:33,216 --> 00:11:35,393
So... You're telling us to lie.
301
00:11:36,276 --> 00:11:37,719
Well, sometimes
a little white lie is okay,
302
00:11:37,753 --> 00:11:39,688
if it's for a greater good.
303
00:11:39,722 --> 00:11:41,323
For example,
your mom has those jeans
304
00:11:41,357 --> 00:11:43,728
with the zipper
that's 6 inches long.
305
00:11:43,748 --> 00:11:46,166
Do I tell her it looks like
her body's half crotch?
306
00:11:46,186 --> 00:11:49,416
No. I say,
beautiful blue jeans, honey."
307
00:11:49,640 --> 00:11:52,514
The truth would be unnecessary
and hurtful.
308
00:11:52,534 --> 00:11:53,901
We just passed the corner
309
00:11:53,935 --> 00:11:57,071
where my friend J.J. almost
got into that guy's van.
310
00:11:58,640 --> 00:12:00,979
And then he tripped on a rug
and fell.
311
00:12:01,887 --> 00:12:03,911
Yeah, a little white rug.
312
00:12:03,945 --> 00:12:06,213
[Chuckles nervously]
Emery, go to your room.
313
00:12:06,248 --> 00:12:07,481
[Clears throat]
314
00:12:07,516 --> 00:12:09,992
Well, you are lucky
you only broke your left arm.
315
00:12:10,012 --> 00:12:12,553
You can still do your homework.
316
00:12:12,587 --> 00:12:14,178
Imagine what
he would have broken
317
00:12:14,198 --> 00:12:15,923
if we had cashed that check.
318
00:12:16,304 --> 00:12:17,908
- His head!
- Hmm.
319
00:12:18,159 --> 00:12:19,493
I'll go get
some white flower oil.
320
00:12:19,527 --> 00:12:21,628
Speed up the healing process.
321
00:12:23,090 --> 00:12:24,898
Beautiful blue jeans, mom!
322
00:12:25,353 --> 00:12:27,223
Oh! Nice touch, Eddie.
323
00:12:27,243 --> 00:12:29,693
See? A little white lie
never hurt anyone.
324
00:12:32,005 --> 00:12:33,387
So we all ate chocolate dreidels
325
00:12:33,407 --> 00:12:35,802
while Phillip cleared up
his stance on Santa.
326
00:12:35,822 --> 00:12:37,077
He's for him.
327
00:12:37,111 --> 00:12:38,712
Hmm.
328
00:12:38,746 --> 00:12:40,647
Hey, what happened to your arm?
329
00:12:40,821 --> 00:12:42,082
I tripped on a rug.
330
00:12:42,116 --> 00:12:43,249
Huh.
331
00:12:43,478 --> 00:12:46,019
Anyway, so I was so amped up
on chocolate
332
00:12:46,053 --> 00:12:47,320
that I ran through
Scottie Pippen's legs,
333
00:12:47,354 --> 00:12:49,190
like, five times.
334
00:12:49,210 --> 00:12:50,390
I'm definitely voting for Trent.
335
00:12:50,424 --> 00:12:51,524
Yeah
336
00:12:51,559 --> 00:12:53,626
It's just, when you throw
so many punches,
337
00:12:53,661 --> 00:12:55,733
it's easy to lose your balance.
338
00:12:55,753 --> 00:12:57,764
- Whoa.
- Wait. What happened?
339
00:12:57,798 --> 00:12:59,032
Well...
340
00:12:59,066 --> 00:13:01,640
When I came to,
five high school kids
341
00:13:01,660 --> 00:13:03,346
were trying to steal our "Street
Fighter" machine. [Students murmur]
342
00:13:03,603 --> 00:13:04,870
Then what happened?
343
00:13:04,905 --> 00:13:06,939
Well, when I came to again,
344
00:13:06,973 --> 00:13:10,142
they were giving
our mascot Loggy an Indian burn!
345
00:13:10,176 --> 00:13:12,745
[Students murmur] Which is
especially bad for a log.
346
00:13:12,779 --> 00:13:13,912
Then what happened?
347
00:13:13,947 --> 00:13:15,447
When our "Street Fighter" game
348
00:13:15,482 --> 00:13:17,583
and Loggy's honor
are on the line,
349
00:13:17,617 --> 00:13:20,519
I got no problem taking on 16 kids.
[Students murmuring]
350
00:13:20,553 --> 00:13:24,089
That's when I pulled out
my dad's machete...
351
00:13:24,124 --> 00:13:26,258
It grazed my arm,
but I recovered.
352
00:13:26,293 --> 00:13:29,695
'Cause I'm Eddie Huang,
and I'm your street fighter!
353
00:13:29,729 --> 00:13:32,731
[Cheering]
354
00:13:37,670 --> 00:13:38,937
[Click]
355
00:13:38,972 --> 00:13:41,607
[De la soul's
"Me myself and I" playing]
356
00:13:42,041 --> 00:13:43,993
It's just me, myself, and I
357
00:13:46,383 --> 00:13:48,547
It's just me, myself, and I
358
00:13:50,450 --> 00:13:52,331
It's just me, myself...
[Click, music stops]
359
00:13:52,351 --> 00:13:54,585
Hail to the chief, y'all.
360
00:13:54,620 --> 00:13:57,055
Say hello to
the new sixth grade president.
361
00:13:57,089 --> 00:14:00,158
I'm the Abe Lincoln
of Abe Lincoln middle school!
362
00:14:00,192 --> 00:14:01,325
Oh! [Laughs]
363
00:14:01,360 --> 00:14:03,494
[Cheering]
364
00:14:04,060 --> 00:14:06,464
Looks like our good luck
continues.
365
00:14:06,498 --> 00:14:07,632
Sure does. [Chuckles]
366
00:14:07,666 --> 00:14:10,168
[Doorbell rings]
367
00:14:10,202 --> 00:14:11,235
Can I help you?
368
00:14:11,270 --> 00:14:13,304
Mrs. Parker from child services.
369
00:14:13,338 --> 00:14:17,175
I'm here to investigate possible
parental neglect in the home.
370
00:14:17,209 --> 00:14:18,776
Oh, you want that kid
down the street... Dave.
371
00:14:18,811 --> 00:14:20,711
He always has
a kool-aid mustache.
372
00:14:20,746 --> 00:14:22,580
Nobody's wiping his face.
373
00:14:23,210 --> 00:14:25,516
We're concerned about
an injury your son sustained.
374
00:14:25,551 --> 00:14:27,818
A school employee
didn't believe Eddie's story
375
00:14:27,853 --> 00:14:31,055
about how he broke his arm,
and it raised a red flag.
376
00:14:32,207 --> 00:14:33,491
Sorry I'm late.
377
00:14:33,525 --> 00:14:35,059
The sun was peeking
through the clouds,
378
00:14:35,079 --> 00:14:37,762
and it was so beautiful,
I had to stop.
379
00:14:40,386 --> 00:14:41,620
I'm sorry.
380
00:14:41,654 --> 00:14:44,540
I still don't understand
why child services was called.
381
00:14:45,223 --> 00:14:47,072
Before we get into it,
382
00:14:47,106 --> 00:14:49,407
I just wanna say that this...
383
00:14:49,442 --> 00:14:50,542
is a safe zone.
384
00:14:50,576 --> 00:14:52,277
And that's why I brought...
385
00:14:52,311 --> 00:14:54,579
the share clam.
386
00:14:54,613 --> 00:14:56,047
If I pass it to you,
387
00:14:56,082 --> 00:14:58,183
share how you're feeling.
388
00:14:58,217 --> 00:14:59,951
We're hearing
conflicting reports
389
00:14:59,985 --> 00:15:01,686
about how Eddie broke his arm.
390
00:15:01,720 --> 00:15:03,088
First, he said he tripped.
391
00:15:03,122 --> 00:15:05,890
Then he got into a fight
with a bunch of kids.
392
00:15:05,925 --> 00:15:08,193
Then he had his dad's machete.
393
00:15:08,227 --> 00:15:10,395
Louis: Machete?
I don't have a machete.
394
00:15:10,429 --> 00:15:11,629
That's a jungle weapon.
395
00:15:11,664 --> 00:15:14,794
Eddie, why are you making up
all these crazy stories?
396
00:15:14,814 --> 00:15:18,189
Well, dad said it was okay
to tell a lie if it was for good.
397
00:15:18,209 --> 00:15:19,976
It was the only way I could
win the election.
398
00:15:19,996 --> 00:15:22,918
I said a little white lie,
not this.
399
00:15:23,192 --> 00:15:24,664
Now tell these nice people
the truth
400
00:15:24,684 --> 00:15:26,922
about how you broke your arm.
401
00:15:28,104 --> 00:15:29,397
Eddie.
402
00:15:29,907 --> 00:15:32,427
You were at Cattleman's
and you tripped...
403
00:15:32,447 --> 00:15:34,131
On the cord to
the new mechanical bull.
404
00:15:34,151 --> 00:15:35,600
[Lowered voice]
No, I meant the other truth.
405
00:15:35,620 --> 00:15:37,721
- The rug truth.
- But that's a lie, too.
406
00:15:37,755 --> 00:15:39,156
You're killing me, man!
407
00:15:39,190 --> 00:15:40,524
What mechanical bull?
408
00:15:40,558 --> 00:15:41,758
Dad didn't want you to know
about it.
409
00:15:41,793 --> 00:15:42,993
Louis!
410
00:15:43,027 --> 00:15:46,229
Okay, clearly, this has been
a misunderstanding...
411
00:15:46,264 --> 00:15:49,099
One of five this month, Ray.
412
00:15:49,133 --> 00:15:51,501
Sometimes a kid throws up.
413
00:15:51,569 --> 00:15:53,870
It doesn't mean
they're getting poisoned.
414
00:15:53,905 --> 00:15:57,140
Twice, though?
Two throw-ups? No way.
415
00:15:57,174 --> 00:15:58,375
Wait a minute.
416
00:15:58,409 --> 00:16:01,233
Where did you get the money
to buy a mechanical bull?
417
00:16:01,253 --> 00:16:04,681
[Toilet flushes, door opens]
418
00:16:05,369 --> 00:16:07,053
Who are these people?
419
00:16:07,073 --> 00:16:09,050
What... on earth...
420
00:16:09,261 --> 00:16:11,102
did I miss?
421
00:16:13,723 --> 00:16:15,290
Okay, so I grounded Eddie,
422
00:16:15,325 --> 00:16:18,193
told him it wasn't okay to lie
under any circumstances.
423
00:16:18,228 --> 00:16:20,316
Well, who's gonna ground you, Louis?
[Sighs]
424
00:16:20,336 --> 00:16:22,531
You're the one who told him
it was okay to lie.
425
00:16:22,565 --> 00:16:24,299
For a good reason...
to help the restaurant,
426
00:16:24,334 --> 00:16:25,534
which helps our family.
427
00:16:25,568 --> 00:16:27,102
It was crazy
to rip up that check
428
00:16:27,137 --> 00:16:28,437
just because it had 4s on it.
429
00:16:28,471 --> 00:16:30,005
Oh, it was crazy, huh?
430
00:16:30,039 --> 00:16:32,775
Look at all this bad luck we've
had since you cashed that check!
431
00:16:32,809 --> 00:16:35,644
Two woman detectives show up,
we're fighting,
432
00:16:35,678 --> 00:16:37,146
Eddie broke his arm!
433
00:16:37,180 --> 00:16:38,947
Those are just
random coincidences.
434
00:16:38,982 --> 00:16:41,915
His forearm? I don't think so.
435
00:16:41,935 --> 00:16:43,718
[Sighs] Look, Jessica,
436
00:16:43,738 --> 00:16:45,567
sometimes bad things just happen
437
00:16:45,587 --> 00:16:47,322
and there's no explanation
for it.
438
00:16:47,356 --> 00:16:49,290
[Sighs]
439
00:16:49,325 --> 00:16:50,725
Okay, fine.
440
00:16:50,759 --> 00:16:52,894
If you think superstitions
are nonsense,
441
00:16:52,928 --> 00:16:55,196
take off your jade necklace.
442
00:16:55,979 --> 00:16:57,658
My necklace?
443
00:16:58,233 --> 00:16:59,634
But I've worn this
since I was born.
444
00:16:59,668 --> 00:17:01,169
It's like a birthmark
on a chain.
445
00:17:01,203 --> 00:17:02,970
And this has nothing to do
with superstition.
446
00:17:03,005 --> 00:17:05,573
Well, then it should be
no problem to take it off.
447
00:17:06,922 --> 00:17:08,021
Okay. [Chuckles]
448
00:17:08,041 --> 00:17:08,917
I'll take it off.
449
00:17:08,937 --> 00:17:10,144
[Chuckles]
450
00:17:10,852 --> 00:17:12,980
- Just a necklace.
- Mm-hmm.
451
00:17:13,015 --> 00:17:14,916
Not a big deal.
452
00:17:14,950 --> 00:17:16,217
[Chuckles]
453
00:17:16,251 --> 00:17:19,353
[Inhales sharply and gulps]
454
00:17:19,846 --> 00:17:22,159
[Ticking loudly]
[Thinking] Why is that so loud?
455
00:17:22,594 --> 00:17:25,593
It's hot in here. Wait.
Now it's cold.
456
00:17:25,627 --> 00:17:27,328
[Voice echoing]
457
00:17:28,346 --> 00:17:29,980
[Cries]
458
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,952
What's happening to me?
459
00:17:34,091 --> 00:17:35,638
[Growling] Why am I so...
460
00:17:35,658 --> 00:17:38,053
[Grunts, inhales sharply]
[Exhales deeply, chuckles]
461
00:17:39,732 --> 00:17:41,266
[Hisses]
G-g-g-give me my jade!
462
00:17:41,286 --> 00:17:42,970
Give me my jade! Okay.
[Panting] Okay.
463
00:17:42,990 --> 00:17:43,778
[Panting] Whew!
464
00:17:43,812 --> 00:17:45,800
Oh! [Exhales deeply]
465
00:17:47,014 --> 00:17:48,729
[Continues panting]
Okay, fine.
466
00:17:48,763 --> 00:17:51,532
I guess superstition is real
if you believe in it.
467
00:17:51,566 --> 00:17:54,835
I'm sorry. I'm sorry
I told Eddie to lie.
468
00:17:54,869 --> 00:17:56,170
[Exhales deeply]
469
00:17:56,204 --> 00:17:57,371
I'll get rid of the bull.
470
00:17:57,405 --> 00:17:59,236
We're gonna have to do
a lot more than that.
471
00:17:59,256 --> 00:18:01,976
We've invited bad luck
into our home.
472
00:18:02,010 --> 00:18:05,079
It's on us. It's on the kids.
473
00:18:05,113 --> 00:18:07,548
[Sighs] I don't know
how to fix it.
474
00:18:08,904 --> 00:18:10,618
I know who does.
475
00:18:11,230 --> 00:18:15,756
[Mystical music playing]
476
00:18:16,340 --> 00:18:18,380
Mom, we need to talk to you.
477
00:18:18,654 --> 00:18:21,242
_
478
00:18:21,262 --> 00:18:22,894
Huh? [Door closes]
479
00:18:23,454 --> 00:18:26,078
Uh, sorry, mom. We just
really needed to talk to you.
480
00:18:26,098 --> 00:18:28,296
_
481
00:18:28,316 --> 00:18:30,191
We have invited bad luck
into our home,
482
00:18:30,211 --> 00:18:32,272
and we need you
to get rid of it.
483
00:18:33,158 --> 00:18:35,459
_
484
00:18:35,479 --> 00:18:37,324
_
485
00:18:37,344 --> 00:18:38,406
How did you know?
486
00:18:38,543 --> 00:18:40,551
_
487
00:18:40,847 --> 00:18:41,845
Ah.
488
00:18:41,981 --> 00:18:44,282
_
489
00:18:44,419 --> 00:18:45,891
[High-pitched voice]
"Give me my jade!
490
00:18:45,911 --> 00:18:47,707
Give me my jade!"
491
00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:49,790
[School bell rings]
492
00:18:51,254 --> 00:18:52,925
Hey, Eddie.
493
00:18:52,959 --> 00:18:56,828
Any fallout from that
whole emotional jam session?
494
00:18:56,863 --> 00:18:58,797
What? How are you feeling?
495
00:18:58,831 --> 00:19:01,633
Oh. Well, my parents
grounded me for lying.
496
00:19:01,668 --> 00:19:02,939
At least I'm still president.
497
00:19:02,959 --> 00:19:06,471
And I'm psyched for
the free period. Naps 101!
498
00:19:06,491 --> 00:19:08,206
Yeah, about that...
499
00:19:08,241 --> 00:19:10,041
apparently, that free period
is actually
500
00:19:10,076 --> 00:19:12,944
a "go to the principal's office
and lick envelopes" period.
501
00:19:12,979 --> 00:19:14,646
- What?
- Budget cuts.
502
00:19:14,680 --> 00:19:16,414
They need the student body
to pitch in.
503
00:19:16,449 --> 00:19:20,418
I thought this job was gonna be
all about naps and Shaq.
504
00:19:20,453 --> 00:19:23,321
Maybe he'd playfully put me
on his shoulders,
505
00:19:23,356 --> 00:19:25,724
or let me stick both of my feet
into one of his shoes.
506
00:19:25,758 --> 00:19:27,025
I don't know.
507
00:19:27,059 --> 00:19:28,260
Yeah, I'm sorry, man.
508
00:19:28,294 --> 00:19:31,096
I'm new here.
Apparently, this place sucks.
509
00:19:31,130 --> 00:19:34,566
I guess it's just our bad luck.
510
00:19:35,474 --> 00:19:37,269
[Whispers] Bad luck.
511
00:19:37,303 --> 00:19:38,603
[Grandma chanting in mandarin]
512
00:19:38,638 --> 00:19:40,505
Eddie: So grandma went into
the zodiac books,
513
00:19:40,539 --> 00:19:41,873
called up some aunties,
514
00:19:41,907 --> 00:19:45,043
and performed a ritual
to take away our bad luck.
515
00:19:45,505 --> 00:19:46,277
[Whispers] Is this gonna work?
516
00:19:46,312 --> 00:19:49,080
[Whispers] Shh!
Let her concentrate!
517
00:19:51,698 --> 00:19:53,911
Wow. These people have
some crazy traditions, right?
518
00:19:53,931 --> 00:19:56,488
Bananas. [Clatter]
Oh!
519
00:19:57,649 --> 00:19:58,873
[Scoffs] Raining salt?
520
00:19:58,893 --> 00:20:00,850
Too bad it's not raining men!
521
00:20:00,870 --> 00:20:02,006
Ugh!
522
00:20:02,026 --> 00:20:03,561
Right, girls?
[Inhales sharply]
523
00:20:04,241 --> 00:20:06,641
_
524
00:20:06,865 --> 00:20:09,715
_
525
00:20:10,869 --> 00:20:13,871
Why'd you make us buy all those
garfield mugs for the ceremony?
526
00:20:13,891 --> 00:20:15,182
You didn't even use them.
527
00:20:15,202 --> 00:20:17,520
_
528
00:20:17,540 --> 00:20:20,703
_
529
00:20:22,158 --> 00:20:24,488
Well, I'm glad we all
got through that as a family.
530
00:20:24,508 --> 00:20:25,983
And now we can put
this chapter behind...
531
00:20:26,018 --> 00:20:27,956
You are still grounded.
532
00:20:27,976 --> 00:20:29,660
[Scoffs] You hard, woman!
533
00:20:29,680 --> 00:20:32,129
Eddie, don't call
your mother "woman."
534
00:20:32,825 --> 00:20:35,806
Garfield should have a mug
that says "naps 101."
535
00:20:35,826 --> 00:20:37,641
[Glasses clink] [Giggles]
536
00:20:39,580 --> 00:20:42,620
So your company's set up
in Delaware,
537
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,219
but you live in Florida.
538
00:20:45,239 --> 00:20:47,532
[Ball bounces]
The tax man can't touch you.
539
00:20:47,552 --> 00:20:48,974
[Sighs] That's great.
540
00:20:48,994 --> 00:20:52,138
You know, I'm always looking for
a loophole... breakaway!
541
00:20:52,158 --> 00:20:54,426
[Laughs]
542
00:20:54,460 --> 00:20:57,429
I did it!
I scored on Scottie Pippen.
543
00:20:57,955 --> 00:21:00,791
[Laughs] I was giving
you tax advice, bro.
544
00:21:02,245 --> 00:21:03,468
[Grunts]
545
00:21:03,502 --> 00:21:05,143
It's not Shaq's shoe,
546
00:21:05,163 --> 00:21:07,272
but I guess it'll do.
547
00:21:07,306 --> 00:21:10,642
Y'all are a rude-ass family.
[Ball bounces]
548
00:21:12,345 --> 00:21:14,446
Scottie? Mr. Pippen!
549
00:21:14,480 --> 00:21:18,149
Mr. Pippen! Mr. Pippen!
550
00:21:18,184 --> 00:21:19,022
[Sighs]
551
00:21:19,042 --> 00:21:21,553
I gotta stop drinking water.
552
00:21:24,182 --> 00:21:26,881
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
553
00:21:26,931 --> 00:21:31,481
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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