Original subtitles

Here you go, little hatchling. It's gonna be so snuggly!

Phew! Let's get rid of that. Little one!

Amy? Amy?!

Ooooh I know what's going on ha-ha!

A sneaky game of hide and seek!

Well, little did you know, I am an expert at hide and seek!

Because of my alcoholic wife! Ha-ha!

Sorry, it's no children. What? It's not a child, it's a baby.

Well, there's references to suicide and all sorts

so I'm afraid it's an adults-only event.

My mum's in there and I just wanted to say hello.

She wrote the book. Not with that baby.

It's a baby. She doesn't understand anything you're saying.

She can't read. Is it 18 years old?

Is this baby 18 years old? Yes. No! So it's not allowed.

OK, fine. What are you doing?

This lovely lady... Er, no.

..is going to look after you for a bit. Oh! No!

Thank you. Er, excuse me? No!

Sneaky, cheeky hide and seeky.

Ah-ha! Oh-oh-oh.

Ha! Ah ha!

Like your husband, I found the medication very helpful.

Yes, good. But obviously, you never know when the darkness is,

is going to descend, so, my, my question was actually about salmon.

Oh. Yes. Cos you're saying that the fatty acids are good for the brain.

Sorry! Excuse me. That's right. I, I don't like er, salmon.

Oh. Hey, Mum. Amy, what are you doing here?

I need to talk to you about The Baumgaertner Trick.

OK. Just give me a second. I need to talk to you now.

Are you all right? Why have you... I'm fine.

I just need to talk to you. OK, just give me two seconds.

I'll be over here. I'm working.

So, salmon.

M-Dog! M-Dog! M-Dog! Mr Flowers!

M-Dog! M-Dog! Mr Flowers!

Well done. CHEERING

Stay in your seat, you imbecile! I said belts on!

I'm so sorry about all this. It's all right.

And then it starts to get weird and

you realise you've been collecting hundreds of bottles...

Yes Do you mind just giving me two ticks, so I can say a quick hello to my...

You're going to learn how to brew elderflower... Come on...

..champagne and start an international catering business

and it's like erm... It's actually quite mad, isn't it?

Er, not mad - ill.

Then it gets a bit bleak again, start feeling like shit.

Walking across bridges.

Whooo.

Erm... Back to the doctor's.

Your grandad...

ECHOING: Baumgaertner. Baumgaertner.

Baumgaertner. Baumgaertner.

Baumgaertner.

Die Auserwahlte! The Chosen One. It's German!

When it gets dark I turn into a butterfly...

What do you think I should do? Because I...

I don't have a girlfriend, so.. What do you think I should do?

I, er... I... I don't know.

I'm sorry.

Erm, we're not even together any more so...

Oh, what the fuck!

Everyone! Everyone!

A toast... to the most loyal, patient, beautiful friend,

Shunny Boy! Yeaahhhh!!!

Shun! Shun! Shun! Shun!

You are my friend as well.

I love you.

I wanted to let loose,

but it was obvious these squidiot dickheads would get wasted

and trashed and there'd be no-one to drive home safely.

My wife showed me how to do this.

You're quite responsible, aren't you? I guess so, yeah.

Team M-Dog!

Hence drinking Naked Russians all night.

Do you mean milk? Well...

And ice.

Because I did notice that you were drinking quite a lot of milk.

Milkman!

Shut up, Shun!

You had...quite a milky moustache.

Milkman! Yes, I see.

She is a bitch! I hate her. I HATE HER!

M-Dog! M-Dog! M-Dog! M-Dog!

Team M-Dog! Team M-Dog!

Let's play twist the bottle!

Twist the bottle! Twist the bottle!

Dad! Stop being a pervert or I'm throwing you out the van!

Er, who wants to play twist the bottle with my son?

Noooo... Oh, you wish! Dad, shut up and fuck off, please!

Who do you want to play it with then, Don?

I know answer! Matilda cha!

FUCK OFF!

Fuck off, Shun! Sushi head!

TYRES SQUEAL

Shut up! Or I'm not driving! I don't even fancy her!

She's just a customer and I felt sorry for her because she's poor

and her house is shit! She used to be fat!

She's Fat Matilda, of course I don't fancy her!

God's sake.

Amy?

I don't want to come in if you're in your smalls.

Little baby?

Are you in there with your auntie Amy?

Huh?

Come on. Right.

Erm.

Put your dressing gown on! I'm coming in.

I wouldn't eat those if I were you, love.

Catch the plague.

They've been marinated in piss, all sorts for about 100 years.

What's a nice-looking young mother like you doing in a place like this?

Looking for a job?

Oh no.

I'm not a prostitute.

GLASS SMASHES

You're meant to catch that.

Is Wendy here?

Some jingle-jangle. For the intel.

APPLAUSE

Barry?

Barry? Barry. Can I see my baby?

I, I don't think you should come in. She's sleeping very soundly.

Honestly...

I, I, I'll take care of it.

Can I just come in, though?

HE PRETENDS TO CRY LIKE A BABY

Aw, shh-shh-shh, it's all right, little one.

Shh...

you nearly woke her then.

Shit.

What have I done?

Come on Barry, come on, think.

What's your favourite film?

Erm, don't know.

What's yours?

Probably clingfilm.

No - Age Of Machines obviously, brilliant.

Yeah. I might head off in a minute.

Already? I was just about to engage party mode.

Bit tired. OK...

well...can I give you a lift?

Er, no, it's all right. I'm still under the limit.

OK, whatever.

Whoa. What you doing?

What are YOU doing?

Sorry.

Shun?!

All right?

So your family died in an earthquake?

Mmm-hmm.

There I am, taking all my shit out on your bum hole.

I just need to check something.

You're not going to press charges, are you?

What? For... just then.

When I tried to kiss you.

Erm, no.

Don't worry.

OK...good...

Because...

I just assumed.

What are you doing now? What?

I just need to know that if I try and kiss you, you're not going to move away again.

Well, what do you want? A signed document? So you do want to?

I... forget it! Oh, God.

Make your mind up!

I don't know how I feel about you.

I don't know how I feel about you, mate...

One minute you're Queen Frigid-Lips, the next minute you're a fat slag again.

Right... Good.

OK, I do know how I feel about you, actually.

Bye.

Oh. Thanks for fixing my sink.

TWAT!

THUMPING MUSIC

Shun! Yes?

Is this Bulgarian?

Yeah, just put it all in a big bowl.

Shun, baby dawg!

Er, find a big bowl for these fine young ladies, if you please.

Excuse me. Excusez-moi.

Sorry!

Yeah! This is what...

GLASS SMASHES

Yes! M-dog! Whooooaaa...!

Woooo-hooo-whooo!

Um, excuse me. I'm, I'm going to need that for next time.

It's cardboard. I know.

I was going to recycle it but... Oh.

Do you know what, you just keep it.

Well, I don't want it, it's rubbish. Well, then throw it away.

Well, if anything I'll recycle it.

Hi.

Hello.

Er, how did it go?

Erm... Not very well, thank you very much.

I think Amy might've already gone so, er,

if you came to see her... I assume you're not here for me.

Not here for you, no. Well, you should probably go home then.

I mean I'm here to see you.

Just not FOR you, if you know what I mean.

Hylda, I'm sorry about the other day, but I'm just, I'm going to get a kebab

and I'm going to go home. So could we maybe do this another time?

Because it's been a horrible day. Oh. Why is that, then?

Because I'm not qualified to have written this book.

Every time I try and make something better,

I just make it worse, Hylda. I just make it worse.

And, er, look, I, I know I was rude the other day but she's my baby.

She, she's my little squiggle.

Donald was the squoggle and she's the squiggle,

and erm, you're just not what I expected, that's all.

Erm, and with Amy, I've sort of given up trying to...

I've sort of given up trying to...

Could I maybe erm... give you a lift?

Sorry, just erm... do you actually want this or not?

Because I just spoke to Carol and she told me to pulp it.

It's not a cult and I'm not a witch and I never slept with him.

Though your grandad did fool around quite a bit.

So did your Nana. I take it you know about James?

But why did you call me Die Auserwahlte?

Oh, that, yeah, just amusing me self really.

I just, I need you to tell me about The Baumgaertner Trick.

What, that it wasn't a trick gun? Of course it was a trick gun.

Spread that rumour himself, the pillock. No! What?

You mean the Russian Roulette trick? Here, look.

Bring the baba.

Fucking terrible magician.

Brilliant showman, but constantly fucking everything up.

Nearly sawed poor little Harriet in half.

Possibly on purpose. Who knows? Look at all this crap.

Bingo.

He'd finish the trick by shooting a vase - bit of a flourish.

But he had such a terrible aim that in the end he put

a little banger in with the roses and set it off with a little wire.

No bullets in the gun at all.

Shouting at the Devil like he was in the room.

Going on and on about how he was going to break the curse.

Bendy Wendy, he used to call me.

This lot waltz in here, chuck their kit off.

I have to fold myself into a cocoon, for crying out loud!

Hang on. Can I show you something?

This was in the suitcase you gave me. What is it?

Ah!

Bum Gardener. I remember him talking about this.

What, what'd you mean?

Yeah, around the time he went to the asylum.

What asylum? He drowned! Drowned? Nah.

Harriet told little Maurice he'd performed a vanishing act.

He didn't buy it, so she told him he drowned. So he didn't die?

Well, he died eventually.

Last I heard, went to Germany. Popped his clogs there.

What are you talking about? What is this book!

Why am I Die Auserwahlte!

You do know Felix changed his name, don't ya?

From Baumgaertner,

cos it sounded too much like Bum Gardener.

His grandmother painted these, darling.

This is your family. Die Auserwahlte.

Where do you want it?

Thank you.

Yes I'll just, erm...

Thank you for the kebab.

Erm... Oh, I'm hungry.

What did you say this was again?

Oh, Fizzy Shizz.

It's nice.

That one's grapefruit.

Grapefruit Grenade.

Yes, well, I'll try it. OK.

Amy gives me a hard time about it.

Wreaks havoc with your insides.

OK... Oh, right, see you soon.

Erm...er, Deborah.

Yeah, er the thing is.

It's just I had a couple of questions

I wanted to ask you about Amy.

Erm...I'm an addict, so I know how to talk to addicts.

I...I know how to handle that.

But... whatever it is that Amy has...

I'm sorry to come to you it's just that, well...

...I never really had a mother and I've never been one either,

and you seem...

..I dunno.

I love her, Deborah. That's all.

And I'm starting to worry about...

GHOSTLY SHRIEK AND BABY CRYING

Amy! What are you doing in there?

You need to shut this party down immediately!

It's a fucking travesty!

What?

Come, come in.

What's going on?

Just come in here.

Mauricio. That's my name

Oh! Mauricio.

Mauricio.

Dad!

Go away,

Donald!

There's an emergency.

Amy's disappeared with Shun's pervert girlfriend's bastard baby from Sweden.

Have you checked the church?

Maybe she's just gone for a walk or something.

Oh! Fucking useless.

By the way, I think it's really weird you're trying to have sex with her friends.

I know you're upset about Mum and that you're depressed

and I'm sorry about that but there's better ways of dealing with it aren't there!

Right. I'm going to sort this out.

Half of us are going to the church and half are going to the woods.

Donald, relax. Amy-chan will come back soon.

Gather round, everyone. I've got a map. Ignore him. He's drunk again.

Yes I'm drunk so what.

So it's not helpful! Japanese idiot.

So what I'm Japanese. I am Japanese.

I'm trying to manage a crisis here, you fucking bell-end.

Will you stop bullying me? I know it's not banter! I know you trick me!

Did you just push me? Yes, I push you.

I push you again! I've had enough of you, nonsense.

Enough booze! Hey! I can drink if I want!

Enough! This is my family! No, it's not. Your family's dead!

So what my family's dead?

At least I know why I'm miserable when my family's dead.

Give me more Earthquake, motherfucker!

Give me the booze. Give back my Irish Cream!

My family's Irish Cream!

You fucking bastard!

You are just annoyed because you are stupid virgin.

No life, can't have sex because you are so rude

everybody think you are complete idiot!

Urgh! Come on! Come on then! Come on then, English!

Just break it up, get off each other!

The pincer. Yeah!

Just...break it up. Very naughty. You are naughty.

Shun, stop now. Get off him.

Argh! Argh!

Argh! Oh, fuck.

What's the matter?

It's fine, it's fine. It's my back. Compressed nerve. Ah! Agh!

Hey! Stop that.

Stop that immediately!

Oh what now? Don't come in!

Donald, go away! Maurice.

Is there someone else in there with you?

Deborah? What are you doing here?

Where's Amy.

Erm, I don't know.

Why don't you know? I'm coming in.

Please don't.

Jesus Christ! What... Maurice.

I love you.

Can you give us some?

I love you, Deborah. It's the only reason why.

Oh, Audrey...

LAUGHTER

Monkey!

Monkey! I'm a Baumgaertner!

What are you on about? Is the baby OK?

Yeah, course she is!

Amy?!

Ha-ha-ha! Mum! What are you doing here!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! What is... Why is there a baby?

Dad! I'm a Baumgaertner! Felix was a Baumgaertner!

Amy... ...what you talking about?

We're all Bum Gardeners! And he didn't drown.

Dad, Felix didn't drown.

Nana just made that up so that you wouldn't get upset! Amy, that's not funny.

I'm not joking! He went to a fucking asylum! And then he died in Germany.

That's what. It's about us.

We're cursed! It's the Baumgaertner curse!

It's in my blood, it's in her blood. It's the same blood!

That baby's the only surviving... It's our direct ascendant

so she gave me... It's an heirloom. Whoa!

It's a fucking Baumgaertner gun - and now I have it!

How amazing is that? Amy! Put the gun down.

Why it's just a... Holy Moses!

Shit! Oh shit! Didn't realise it was loaded, sorry.

Amy. Put the gun down!

Sorry. Mum, mum, I'm going to fix this.

I know, I know how to fix it.

Amy! Put the gun down. She was just trying to break the curse.

She was trying protect her baby.

She was trying to burn down all the fucking shit that came before

because how else is she meant to survive?

It's like you with your dad. It's like me with you.

It's love. These pictures are about love.

They're not about murder they're about love.

That's all I've been trying to say. It's just love that's what it is.

cos how else can we survive?

It's impossible. We're all just little babies.

We all need to be set free.

I know how.

I know how to do it without killing everyone.

I know how to do it.

cos I'm the Auserwahlte.

It's not Bertha, it's not Felix, it's not you because you're too weak.

But I can do it. I can do this.

I can take this... It's the fucking music.

It's the music, that's the spell, that's what's going to... ...break the curse.

It's what I've been doing all along.

It's like the heaven in the heat of darkness. It's the same thing.

I can do this. I can save us.

I can save you, Dad.

I know how to do that.

I can take this hell and I can turn it into heaven.

I can do that.

I'm going to do that.

Then the curse will be gone.

# In the shoddiest cove I'll envelop the rest

# I feel awake enough to tell this

# It was a seminal plan

? A plan to pull you through. ?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0