All language subtitles for Flowers s02e01e02x.eng

BIRDSONG

Only me, flower.

It's all right, I don't bite.

It's Wendy. I'm sorry,
I think I've trod in something.

It might be goose shit.

Fucking badger, I think.

Musky.

Haven't got a spare ciggie,
have you?

Oh, yeah. So you got my note, then?

I thought it was cracking,
that thing you did in the church,

with the nooses and that.

Oh, thanks.

You and your Pink Cuttlefish
Orchestra.

Cheeky.

So you lot are going to Omsk
this year?

Notorious Festival of the Obscure.
Yeah, do you know it?

Apparently a man ate
his own ears there once.

Chop them off with a knife and
gobble them down with some herby

mayonnaise. It was the screams,
that was the music, you see.

Your grandad applied to Omsk
a couple of times,

kept getting told to fuck off, the
great Felix Flower, the magic man.

Actually, you remind me of
him a bit.

That look of trouble.

Anyway, I've been evicted so I'm
just chucking a box of stuff out.

It's just a load
of old useless crap, really.

Are these your family's?

Go. Why do you have it?

Felix came to stay
a couple of times.

I'd best be on my way.

Fucking landlord wanted me out
before sunrise, hence the hour.

Then when it gets dark,
I turn into a butterfly.

See you around.

Die Auserwaehlte. Pardon?

The chosen one - it's German.

A-ha.

Morning, Mr Pipe.

It's Pipeman, you creepy cretin.

Just keeping the chicks alive
while mother hen's away.

Here you are, you little tykes.

Don't get up to too much trouble or
we'll have you sent off

and made into
crispy little nuggets.

Morning. No, thank you.

I often wonder if the key
to Maurice's sadness

lies in the relationship
he had with his father.

Or lack of it, perhaps,
I should say.

In spite of his fiery temper,
he worshipped his charismatic

magician father Felix,

but then,

one night, when Maurice was
just eight years old,

Felix sneaked into his room in the
middle of the night

and told Maurice

that although he loved him very
much,

he was going to have
to perform a very difficult trick.

Come on, Deborah.

VOiCEOVER: The most difficult
trick there is.

He was going to have
to perform a vanishing act.

The next morning,
he was gone.

A few years later,
his mother confessed the truth,

that she and Felix had fallen out
of love and that he had tragically

drowned in a boat accident
as he made his way back to Germany.

Baumgaertner!

How are you so full of energy?

You barely slept. Excited, I want to
introduce you to my friends.

Just come and say hi.

Hello, everyone, I'm a 63-year-old
ex-junkie and I'm going to wang on

about God and heroin.

They don't care that you're a
priest.

I mean there you are with
your musical thunderstorms

and I rock up with Lady Lightning
herself like some lonely old penguin.

I've never really been any good
at anything.

You are good at things.

Like what? Eating pizza
in my jim-jams?

Being wise, being cool,
being fit, the hand of God?

My neat window is still glowing
like the pearly gates.

Sh-sh-sh. They are like a champagne
mirage.

If I did a fanny fart now,
there'd be a fucking rainbow.

SHE BURPS
Whoa!

Does the Lord know how much fizzy
shiz you're drinking?

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

Right, I need to stop
being so nervous.

OK.

Done it. Why are you nervous?

They're just quite cool, though,
aren't they?

I need to get cool.

Do I seem cool?

Go on, fuck off. I've got
a funeral in half an hour.

OK, bye.

# Who's that drumming
with the mucks up machine?

# He's so handsome, he's so sexy

# All the clients will scream

# One hour of work for just 69.99,

# Other plumbers charge double
for just half the time

# So who's that fella
that you've seen in your dreams

# He's got a trunk
full of pony butylene

# He's the pipe man,
pipe master general

# The best dang plumber in
the whole dang world

? Da da do da da da da do do... ?

Well, well.

SHE SCREAMS AND LAUGHS

It's a 30 mile limit,
you lunatic Gorgon.

There's dinner on this road.

The truth is I'm quite enjoying
having a bit of time off

now that Grubbs is no more.

Have you thought about trying
some therapy?

Oh, my gosh, you are suggesting
the therapy for everything.

I have a cold, have a therapy,
I'm a Japanese, have a therapy.

Therapy is not solution
for everything.

I'm just saying it's helped me
a great deal.

This Marmite - such strange
taste.

Half delicious,
half absolutely disgusting.

Have you tried pitching the Carols
some of the other ideas?

No, no, give up.
Always they say no.

Why? Because too weird.

Pelican gentleman
love hamburger,

always try to murder microwave for
pilfering his precious burger,

try to cook up, ting,

open door, Madam.

Apparently this is too weird.

Is that Dad? Why?

Are you drinking? Just a bit
of English summer tipple.

Very sophisticated.

Excuse me. Thank you.

Dad, Amy has been speeding again.

Do you want me to dismantle her
bike?

Hi, Donald. Is that Deborah?

Send her my love.

All I'm saying is my business has a
six-figure five-year forecast

whereas Amy's rubbish is destined
for a crippling financial loss.

I just want to see how she's doing,
Donald.

I'm not just some big turd that
followed her out of Mum's womb.

Who cares about Omsk?

Hey, dad. What's the matter,
you bad mood.

It's just banter, remember?

Whenever you think I'm being mean,
it's just banter.

Stupid me, keep forgetting.

You naughty bastard, yeah?

So funny, this English banter.

Barry. Soccer.

She values your opinion, so she was
hoping to get your thoughts.

Before it goes to print.

But now his mighty erection is back,

a virulent totem of reclaimed
happiness.

How is that going to help anyone?
Oh, right, is that, is that a quote?

Yeah, chapter one.
That's why I stopped reading.

Just tell her I don't think
it should be published.

Come on, grumpy! Grumpy grumpy.

Look how much fun.

Oh, and the Cuttlefish are coming to
stay for a few days to rehearse,

by the way. Is that all right? Yeah.

What? Yeah, maybe, whereabouts
are you thinking?

They are coming this afternoon.
What's happening?

So long as Donald is OK with it.

Absolutely no way, that is
ridiculously short notice.

I thought you'd be grateful.
Might even pop your penis cherry.

You've got no idea what my goodie
goodie gumdrops have been up to.

Yes, I do, because I can hear it
when you're hoofing one out in the shower. Hello.

Well, I'd rather have sex
with no-one than some weird junkie granny, anyway.

I bet she's got a big turkey wattle
foof and everything.

I came four times this morning.
Women can't come.

Amy.

Er, yeah, Dad,

they'll be gone by the time you
get back so no need to tell Mum.

Sure. It's nice that you've
found your gang.

Thanks, Dad.

Um, Dad, I met a woman this morning
who knew Grandad Felix.

Do you remember someone
called Wendy?

No, I don't think so. But then, my
whole childhood is just a hideous black blur. So...

Hey.

Deborah. What are you doing
over there?

Oh, just, you know.
Do you want your sausages?

Oh, morning ice cream, hello.

Naughty, aren't I?

What shall I do with your sausages,
then? I don't mind.

OK.

So you...

Oh, you're just going through
your er...

Yes, just checking through it.

Yeah. Did you call home?

How is everyone? Good,
you know, ferreting away.

Clever things. Yeah.

How is Amy - has she read it yet?

Er, I'm not sure.

She didn't mention it. You know who
her girlfriend is, don't you?

No. Yes, you do, she
tells you bloody everything.

I mean, I assumed it was just one
of the girls in the band.

No. It's because they were sort of
hugging and crying and stuff

after the show. Maurice, that's
what people do when they're friends.

Right, yeah, obviously.

Are you going to read it? Er,
I might wait until it comes out, actually,

I was thinking maybe savour it,
you know, if it is still...

Maurice, we talked about this.
You said it was fine.

Yeah, no, just um...

You said crack on. Um, yeah,
but I guess I thought that maybe you were going

to just use it to process everything
and then at the end, but no,

it's great, I mean I'm very
proud of you.

Is it, I mean, is it very,
very personal, or...

Well, obviously it's quite
personal, yes.

Yeah, obviously, OK, well I'm going
to go for a butterfly expedition.

Yes, you go for it.

Are you feeling all right?
Yeah, just getting the air.

Oh, oh yeah.

Naked is weird, isn't it?
Naked is weird, yeah.

OK. I'm going to go.

Have fun. Yeah, I'm going to run.

OK. Oh, there's some over here,
actually.

Deborah. Yes.

It's like they're dancing,
they are so agile.

I've got one.

Deborah, it's massive.

I've got a red one. Deborah.

Well done.

Oh. Hello.

How are you, Matilda?

Uh...Yeah, OK. What are you...?

I just wanted to let you know that
I'm running my own business now.

OK. That's good, isn't it?

Yeah. Well done.

The Great Pipe Man, bespoke plumbing
service for the discerning customer.

Cool. So if you ever need a bit of
high end

waterwork-based
craftsmanship at a bargain price...

CHUCKLES

Obviously, we do mates' rates.

That would help, actually.
I'm a bit broke at the moment.

No, as in because we're mates,
you pay me more.

I knew you were fucking the priest.

Yeah, well, she's weird around
people so just act like it's normal.

It is normal. You know what I mean,
just don't be like, "Hi!"

So you want us to ignore your
girlfriend?

No.

How could she be weird around people
when she's a priest?

Oh, it's only in real life, she
is fine when it's like priest time.

Oi, lightning.

What's all these balloons about?

Oh, you know, just,
"Welcome, friends!"

Arms, baby!

WHOOPING

Shut the front door,

so you can say "Bob's your uncle"

even if your uncle is
not called Bob.

Yeah, it's just a phrase,
like, "Hey, presto".

And do you know in army, everybody
call each other Roger even though

they're not called Roger.

Who is this fucking Roger?

Oh, Christ, excuse me.

Booby time. Don't worry yourself,
it's only a tit.

Me a good cook.
LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Delicious.

Hey, everyone, this is Hilda.

All right? What about you?

Evening. Hello, Rev.

Just normal. Hello. Very normal.

One time, I see Uma in park having a
booby time, such huge breasts,

I'm so terrified.

"Be careful, your baby
will explode of milk!

"Too full!"
SLURPS

Oh.

Bring it in. Pleased to meet you.

So you can do Irish goodbye,
but you are Welsh person.

Why is no Welsh goodbye?

It's just saying goodbye
without saying goodbye.

So parties happen,

you know, relax, time to go.

Goodbye.

No, you don't say it quietly,
you just don't say it.

Not at all?

Just leave. So party, party, relax.

Time to go.

Now don't get angry with me,

but I've asked the girls and none of
them fancy you.

Bollocks.
That Vera is definitely angling for a hot piece of the pipe man.

I really think you need to get
some friends.

I think it would help.

Successful people
don't have friends.

You still haven't moved
out of your parents' house.

This cabin was for Shaun,
you stole it.

Yeah, because I'm the son.

I don't want to have to beat you off
out of pity when you're 85.

How about Matilda?

Why don't you just invite Matilda?

I don't like fat Matilda.

How many out of ten do you not like
fat Matilda?

Minus ten.

You really don't like her, do you?

Why have you got this then?

Hey, get off my property.

I didn't even know
that was in there.

Does your brother have learning
difficulties?

Erm, I don't think so, no.

Yeah, you like butter?

What?

So I moved out from my parents'
last spring,

was going to turn it into a
headquarters

for my inventions business
but then...

Oh, cool, what kind of inventions?

Oh, there you are. Might have to dig
my daily grave in a minute.

OK, well, we're going to carry
on for a bit,

need to work out what we're doing
with Omsk.

Hair, rice, animal fat, semen -
you name it, pow.

I-I think I might go back over.

OK, cool bean - beans, sorry.

Do you want to wear my hat?

No, it's cool.

You're doing well
with the cigarettes.

Mm-hm, yeah.

Just getting fat instead.

You know...

when you...

ask me to pretend that I'm someone
that I'm not when we're...

Is that because you aren't attracted
to me anymore, or...?

Um, no.

It's just...

I don't know, exciting or something.

Hm, yeah,

I suppose so, but I mean I never
have to imagine you as anything

other than you.
Well, maybe you should try it.

You must think about sleeping
with other people occasionally.

Um, I don't think so.

You must do. No.

No. It's not a test,
you can be honest.

Um, I was thinking this morning
about how...

..I haven't managed to do any work
for a while,

I was thinking about going back to
the doctors.

I guess I was worried that

without feeling like, you know...

I had this weird thought
when I was running about that...

..the sun sets and the sun rises
every day and we get that for free.

We don't have to do anything,
that will just happen.

And obviously that's something that
doesn't really mean anything,

but do you know what I'm...
Uh, no, not really.

Right. Yeah.

No, I mean,

well, I was trying to figure out
what my brain was trying to tell me,

and I think...

I think it's that I love you more
than I ever have, and...

..I feel OK at the moment.

I feel strange, but it feels good,
I think.

And I don't care if I...

..never write anything again, or any
of that stuff, because I love you.

Um, maybe I crave the feel of
another woman occasionally.

Maybe if I'm completely honest, I
crave the feel of a younger woman,

but only in the sense that I...

Lasagne is my favourite food
and it's delicious

and I want to eat it the rest of
my life, but...

Are you comparing me to a lasagne?

No.
LAUGHS

As in...

Younger foods are good,

um...

but older foods too...

Or a salad, a salad is a newer,
fresher food,

but it's not got any nourishment.

But a classic dish, or a chicken...

..or other foods, foreign foods,
peanuts, coleslaw...

um, or...

...or just lasagne, you know,
I do think that sometimes.

I could just eat lasagne everyday
for the rest of my life.

Don't worry, I don't imagine you as
lasagne when we're...

OK, Maurice, stop talking about
lasagne. Yeah, sorry.

Mm.

Mm, mm, mm, that's a lovely
drop of vino.

WHISPERING: Maurice.

Maurice.

I can't be with you anymore.

Hi, Sean, you all right?
Yes, yes.

Do you want some water
or something?

I...

Amy-chan.

You know why you...

Yes, you... You know.

Yeah.

Anyway.

Oh! Look this sky.

ORGAN MUSIC

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Get out!

The churchyard...the church!

Oh!

SCREAMING

SHE SCREAMS

HE YELLS

SHE WAILS

So, Bertha Baumgaertner.

One of her eyes was yellow and then
the other one was kind of blue,

and she thought that
the yellow eye was blessed

and saw only wonder and beauty

but the darker eye was dammed
and saw only misery and despair.

That's why she wears the eye patch,
because it's the eye of darkness.

Yes, exactly.

But then the eye of wonder

starts to lose its power
and Bertha has the baby.

But because the Baumgaertner family
are cursed, she murders everyone

and shoots herself in the head.
This is fantastic.

Tommy, are you listening?

Yeah, I mean, the only thing
I would say is Baumgaertner,

it just sounds like "bum gardener".

Yeah, it does, but it's fine.

Thanks, guys. What happened to Ryan?

Oh, he's gone off to be a
professional snooker player now,

hasn't he, so this guy has been
keeping me company.

Who's this? This is Brian.

Hi, Brian.

PEOPLE CHATTER

Sorry if it's loud,

just been trying to tear them up
liberally, so free-styling a bit.

Don't know what that means.
Hey, watch this.

Great. Amazing. Nice one, mate.
You're strong.

These Baumgaertners are giving me
the heebie-jeebies.

I think there might be some
voodoo shit going on.

Have you asked your dad about it?
Oh, no, not yet.

So has he gone funky again, then?

He's doing all right.
He had a three-hour bath yesterday,

which was a bit weird.
What was he doing in there?

You know, just, like, humming.

Will you keep it down, you absolute
fuckers, and tidy up this mess?

I feel like I'm living
next to a slum.

Good morning to you too.

Fuck off, Dolores, and stop
thieving Nana's juicy strawbs.

I wanted to make
a nifty little posset

but you've been gobbling
them all up.

I'm sorry. Right, come on.

I'm sorry. I was meditating,
must have fallen asleep.

Remember you've got that dinner
tonight with the Carols

about new ideas.
You told me to remind you. Oh, shit.

Oh.

Asked you to be doing
sort of juices and stuff.

Yeah, I'll do that in a minute.
Have you got any fags on you?

No Deborah, so...
Can I ask you a question?

I know you hate talking about
your dad but it's really bugging me,

and obviously Mum has just written
a book about how she saved your life

and then dumped you on holiday,

so I'm just wondering basically
how you are.

Well, there's still a sort of
screaming in my head,

but it's in this sort of
big padded box.

For the medicine and stuff,
still a screaming,

but it's a quieter screaming.

Can I ask you anyway,
do you know what this is?

It was with your dad's things.

Baumgaertner.

A cursed household
in 18th-century Germany.

I've absolutely no idea. I thought
maybe that Wendy person might know.

Are you sure you can't remember
anyone called Wendy? No.

Actually, Dad, you know how you
use tapes and stuff to write?

You said it was because your dad
used to record himself, like diaries and things.

Maybe she was one of his mistresses
or something.

He had a lot of mistresses, so...

His nana was a prostitute, right?

I wouldn't call it that.
She was his assistant.

Yeah, but she was a trollop
before that.

Maybe he was in a cult or something.

She said he was a great magician.

No, I think he was bad.

In fact, he was pretty awful,
actually.

Particularly with the birds and
the rabbits, they just kept dying.

I'm going to make you
such a good juice.

Oh, Dad, can I just ask...?

Amy, I don't want to talk about it
any more. I've got a headache.

Why does it make you such...?
Because why would he run off?

He was a cunt in a cape,
that's all there is to it.

I don't know why you want to listen
to the ramblings of a madman anyway.

Oh, you're opening the curtains.
That's nice.

Maurice just used to leave them
shut all day.

Oh, yeah. Old misery toots.

Misery toots,
that's a funny way of putting it.

This is a lovely gaf, you know.

So, you been doing this a lot, then?

Er, not really.

I ended up on a date with a chap
from the self-help conference.

He had Tourette's,
which was quite interesting.

Kept shouting "fuck wagon"
and "shit yourself" at me.

Quite a turn on, actually, but he
wasn't up for it in the end, so...

Yeah, I thought my wife had
Tourette's because she used to

shout stuff like that at me as well.

Turns out...

..she just genuinely hated me.

SHE CHUCKLES

Morning, madam.

Completely drunk again.

Absolute disaster.

Where's your lady friend, Shun?

Ah, my gosh.
GLASS SHATTERS

Hi, hello.

I'm so lucky she is a big fan of
my peanuts.

She loved to put all kind of thing
inside my bottom.

Like what? Anything.

Pepper grinder,
sausage, vacuum cleaner,

shoes, Irish cream, rhubarb,

and then...I just say,
"Yes, yes, go ahead, go ahead,

"what's the next one?

"Huge cupboard?
Fine, no problem, go ahead, please."

She put a cupboard up your arse?

No, just this kind of thing.

Audrey tried to run me over
with a lawn mower once.

THEY LAUGH

Before she died.

Emptied a whole bottle of
ouzo into the bath,

got squiffy on the fumes and...

Argh!

HE LAUGHS

Ah!

HE WHEEZES

It's so sad about Deborah, isn't it?

I think this new title is
going to help me a lot,

just cut through all
the other sad people books.

Yes, I'm quite worried about...

HE SLAMS COVER
Ah! Living With The Devil.

Yes. No.

I love it, yes. That's good, yes.

That story, though,
about him trying to cook a roast

and then bursting into tears
when he burns the parsnips.

HE CHUCKLES

Hilarious.

And very sad as well.

Obviously.

But is this just like, er,

your revenge, then,
for all those years of misery?

Er, no, it's to help people.

And he wasn't crying
about the parsnips,

as you'll know
from reading the book.

Is that your
"please love me" spread?

Yes, Donald likes the cheesy pencils
and Amy loves pineapple.

When she was little it used to
make her face go like this.

Isn't she the one who hates you?

Oh, well, she's just pretending.

I just called her several times
a day until it was less stressful

for her to say yes, so now they're
both coming round to see me.

Mmm. Toast.

Um, so when you're done
with the toast,

I should probably start
to set the room up,

unless you want to talk more about

how you're going to
publicise my book.

It keeps doing this, weird thing!

I think you might have just put
a bit too much in there.

She's making me
a vegetable hurricane.

Sounds dangerous. How are you doing?

Yeah, good, getting there,
doing some breathing and stuff.

We're all breathing, mate.

Hey. Yeah, good one.
Um, Amy, we need the new scores.

Sorry, yeah,
just doing my dad's smoothie.

Er, excuse me,
that's Mum's special towel.

Dad, did you see that?

This do-da of your mother's
this evening,

do you think it'd flummox it
if I didn't come along?

Oh, my God,
can we not do this every time?

It's just, I don't really do family.

PHONE BEEPS

DEBORAH: Hello. Tried a few times
but didn't get through.

So it's your mother here,
just calling to check what time

you'll both be coming later.
And yes, and um, Maurice,

if you're listening to this,
then when you see the title,

it wasn't my idea.

Hello there, dear friend.

What? Wanted to ask you a bit of
a delicate question about Deborah.

I haven't spoken to her for a while.
Is she still off-limits?

Right, the thing is, Barry,
it's not really...

It's up to her, obviously.

Oh, but you're a very,
very dear friend, Maurice.

I wouldn't want to do anything
that might hurt you.

I'm not sure you could make it
any worse, to be honest.

But if I was to try and imagine
what she might say,

I have a hunch that
she might say no.

Thank you, Maurice.

Thank you for allowing me this.

It's funny how things turn out,
isn't it?

So, I mean, I don't have much,
but um,

I've had a few ideas that
they might be interested in.

OK, exciting, tell me.

Well, I was thinking more just...

Well, I was thinking about...

Yeah. Yeah, good idea.

I haven't said anything yet.

You have cheeky face, I know you are
thinking amazing idea.

Yeah, I don't have anything,
I'm sorry.

Yes, you are.

I, I don't. I'm sorry, Shun,
I completely forgot.

I've been a bit preoccupied with
the Deborah stuff, so...

OK, come on.

No panic, look around.

Where is good idea?

Tree?

Not tree.

Rock. Yes.

Rock have adventure.

Rock have secret power.

Can fly.
GLASS SHATTERS

Smash into eagle pigeon,

fall into ocean.

Where am I? Completely lost.

Swim around, swim around,
strange encounter, who is here?

Dorothy.

Carrying rock home, yeah?

Um, I'm not sure about that.

Why? Even rock?

Maybe we should call it off, I'm not
in a very productive state of mind.

Knock knock.

Who's there? Fantastic idea.

Why you not answer door, Mr Flowers?

I'm waiting for ages.

Shun, I'll go, OK,
because I'm supposed to be

finding little ways of staying
active, but I'm not excited by it.

I'm sorry, I'm thinking of
packing it all in, any way.

How about Grubbs? One more try.

Grubbs is dead.

Grubbs is dead.

Hm.

Never mind. Goodbye.

Be gone, yes.

HE SIGHS

Hello!
BUZZER

I think it's number three.
I know.

Ha! The great pipe man.

# Da-na-na-na-an!

Oh, you both came.

Hello, Amy.

Oh, and a priest.

Hello. This is Hilda.

Evening...Deborah.

The great gloom is an
essence that looms,

it creeps over the earth in
a shimmer of doom.

Fantastic.

Well, I mean, I wrote that line.

No. She wrote it. It's
from The Great Gloom, the book that I wrote that

you published.
It's the way she uses it.

I never understood what it meant
when you wrote it.

The point is that we are
very excited and we are very disappointed in your

decision to terminate the
relationship at such a crucial point.

I didn't. To be honest I'm very
difficult to... I'm difficult.

I'm surprised she stuck around as
long as she did.

OK. It just means, obviously, we're
going to have to talk to Clive about...

I'm sorry, did you do a pre-meal
booze up or something?

No, no. Just, er, do
you know Wine AM?

Wine, Wine AM.

Sean has got very excited this
morning about new ideas.

LOVE Wine AM. So, uh...

what were you saying about these?

Yeah, well,

he's a hippo.

Erm. And what does he do?

He, well, he's a hippo, so...

HE HUMS A TUNE

I just love how they are so content
all the time, the way they look,

chatting to his bird friends,
being a hippo and...

Wow.

Absolutely amazing.

I just think maybe he could
always be overeating, maybe,

maybe he's always a little bit full.

Overeating!

I like it.

Do you?

Bah.

Just banter, don't worry.

She used to break into the church
to play the organ in the middle of the night.

And did you think it was
Jesus, your eminence?

No.

I did wonder if there
was a ghost, though.

Turns out it was just this beautiful
girl who likes weird instruments.

Oh, steady on.

She means musical instruments, Mum.

Sorry, yes.

I mean, I would imagine it wasn't.

I mean Morris and I never,
but, um... But then he, um... Sorry, why don't I...

Shall I chop up some pineapple?

I'm all right for pineapple, thanks.

Congratulations on the book, by the
way. It's quite an achievement.

Thank you, Hilda. I mean, it's no
Bible.

It's the best book I've ever
seen in my whole life.

Gosh, it's actually coming out.
I can't quite believe it.

Um, we have another reading in a few
days, if you're interested.

I'll be there.

Oh, good. Hilda, would you...?

Oh, no, I don't drink, thank you.

Oh, apart from sacramental.

Ooh, that sounds posh. Mum.

She's old. You can
say that she's old.

Is she?

Yes. It honestly hadn't
even crossed my...

The same, I thought you were
the same... Christ.

I think it's beautiful.

How did you get... How did
you get into the church?

Oh, well, a long story short, I was
a junkie for quite a while.

And it was just quite a good way of
putting my life in the hands of

someone. Well, not a junkie.

Who was that, then?

She means God. Of course, sorry, ha.

Duh. Gosh, how interesting.

My daughter's going out with a
heroin addict, amazing. Argh. Oh!

Are you all right back there?

Barry, er, why are you here?

Sorry. It's just I had hoped to
spend a bit of time with my children.

Shall we head, Bazzatron? I've got a
service in a while, anyway.

Drink, drink this.
Ah, cheer up, Mr...

Drink this. It's not funny.

Drink this. Listen.

What is this? Water. It might help
to get rid of your hiccups.

I don't need this.
HE HICCUPS Because no hiccups, it's a sneeze.

It's not a sneeze, it's a hiccup.

It's... It's sneeze.

I thought you wanted me to come up
with some new ideas, that's what we're here for, OK?

Yes. But you are not going to be
here, you explained already.

But they seemed to like
the hippo, so...

Seemed to like the toilet cake
I have for pudding.

What? Yeah. Are you listening to me?

Ha-ha. What's funny?

Funny is Mr Hippo is funny.

Hey, they're
interested in the hippo.

You go mad? No.

Do you mind?
The hippos are going well.

Listen. Let me tell you, this is
your painting.

A present. Put it back.

No, I think...

Hi. Welcome.

This is the toilet.

I show him. Knock-knock, shush.

I'm not doing that. Knock, knock,
knock. I'm not doing it, no.

Come on. I'm not, I'm not.
Ding-dong.

There's nobody, there's nobody in.
I see you from the window.

I'm... See you in the window.

Yeah, well, I'm not
answering. Even if I am in,

I'm not answering. Ding-dong!

Pfft! Hiroshima.

Oh, my God. Can we just...

We can do this, OK.

Can you just calm down?

OK. We've got to go in there and do
it. I'm calm. I behave, yes.

Let's do it. Hippo time.

Watch this.

I do this.

Which way is my table?

Hic!

Nice to meet you.

Shun, Shun. Ah.

This peasant and her idiot squidiot
friends

are turning your house into
a favela.

You have to do something about it.

I'm sure it's not that bad, and it's
not my house any more, so.

But are you coming back or not?

Because I prefer you
to Dad, obviously,

but I don't like the sound of
this dating malarkey,

and I've got to be honest, Mum,
you're starting to piss me off.

No. I'm not coming back, Donald.

Right. OK.

Bitch-hag is going to call
me sexist now,

but women are 100%
more crazy than men.

100%.

They are all fucking crazy, 100%.

And I'm sorry, I never thought I'd
say it but, Mum, that includes you.

Go on. Call me a misnogynist.

Did you just say misnogynist?

Yeah. So what? Look it up.

There's no N in it. That's
not a word.

Whatever. Where are you going?

For a poo, obviously.

So, Hilda's nice, isn't she?

Mm.

Is that why you kicked her out?

No, because...

I didn't do that.

I, I knew this would happen, I knew
you would both turn against me.

Mum, don't say it like that.

Like what? Like you've done nothing
wrong.

You know that it doesn't
go away, right?

It's not like he's cured.
I do know that.

I wrote a book about it which you
still haven't read.

You've stolen Dad's dirty laundry,
and primp pressed it

into a 300-page appeal for the
sympathy of complete strangers.

For God's sake, what's the point?

If it helps, Amy, I didn't write the
book for other people,

I wrote it for me. The amount of
shit I wiped out of your fanny,

the least you could do
is support me.

And I, I thought you liked
pineapple.

I do like pineapple.
Oh, bloody eat some, then!

Oh, the show's going fine, by the
way. Thanks for asking!

What have you done now?

Mum! Don't listen to her, she's a
poisonous harpy.

I can't tell you how excited we are
to get ideas like this from you.

Yeah, Lord, we hated Grubs.

Well, that's a relief for me as
well, to be out of that, you know.

Can I ask a question. Do you think
this hippo is too cheerful, hm?

Well, yes, that's what we were
saying earlier, that it needs to...

I know, I know. But this...

Shun. It's fine. Would it help if
the hippos were dirty?

If the colours were more like...

What's the issue? I'm not an expert,
but this is what I explained.

Not just dirty.

Grubs is darkness, yeah?

You understand?

Ah.

We understand, Shun.

You know, English people
are so racist to me,

calling me Chink all the time.

That's horrible...horrible.
Chinky boy, chinky boy.

Hello, chinky boy.

But Japanese, Chinese people
completely different.

Yeah, of course. Because Chinese
people are so smelly.

You can't say that. Yes, it's true.

Burping, farting always.
Of course, it doesn't matter.

Your culture is different.

If you are smelly
for your culture, fine.

I agree. I agree.

This is my culture.

Whoaaa! Tung-ah!

Jesus Christ, man.

He's the sort of allowed, isn't he?
He's not Chinese, is he?

Turning into Chinese if I
have too much noodle.

I see proof in temper in Japan.

Chinese people go into toilet, when
they come out, poo everywhere.

Wow. Even on roof! On the roof?

He means the ceiling. What are they
doing in there?

Throw around with the paintbrush,
poo painting!

Chinese poo, get my poo from the...

Shun... Paint on the ceiling.
Shun, that's enough!

Most times... Stop it.

Terrible people. Why are these just
awful, bash, bash, bash, never stop.

Have to understand why are these...

Aargh. Otherwise,
this picture is stupid.

How can I draw this stupid picture!

Shun.

It's OK, we're going to go.
I'm fine. Excuse me!

I'm at a meeting!

It's fine, it's fine.

HE SHOUTS

I know you are terrorist woman!

Your secret!

You are a liar, Mr Flowers!

You are scared of dark!

I know you are scared of...

HE SHOUTS

Maurice.

You are in the garden,
playing with your creeping crawlies,

and I am watching you.
DISTANT CRYING

I cannot bring myself to come
outside.

I have seen the devil, Maurice.

And the devil was an angel.

Because, to remember heaven
in the heat of darkness,

that is the true meaning of hell.

We are a cursed household.

And if the devil comes to you
when you are old, and he will come to you,

you must look him straight in the
eye, and you must say this.

"Not me." Do you understand, my son?

Not me. Because I am
not the house's renter.

And you, you are too weak, Maurice.

You cannot defeat the devil.

We must wait. We must wait
for the chosen one.

It's all right, I'll get it.

Er, anyway, I'll call you
about the reading.

OK, yes. Thanks, Clyde.

Bye. Bye.

VOMITING

Jesus Christ. Heh!

What is it? Who knows? Some Chinese
guy was sick on his shirt.

Yeah. Be good.

Heh-heh.

I'm coming.

No problem.

Ah.

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