Original subtitles

'Dear Maurice, we regret to inform you

'that we have decided to terminate your contract on Grubbs.

'After careful deliberation, numerous second chances

'and multiple missed deadlines,

'we feel cessation of our working relationship

'is best for all concerned.

'We wish you the best of luck for the future.

'Yours sincerely, Carol...

'And Carroll.'

Excuse me -- is this the psychiatry wing?

Yes, yes, it is, yes. How can I help?

Um... I'm... having some trouble

with, er... I think... maybe...

It's OK. Well done for coming in.

- Come on. - Oh, thank you.

Yeah... um...

So, well, I...

I think I just need some help.

Well, you've come to the right place,

but unfortunately, I'm not a doctor.

Oh. Sorry.

No. I just dress like a doctor, cos I'm mad.

Right. Um...

Is there any doctors here?

Yeah, there's doctors everywhere.

It's a hospital.

Yeah, of course, yeah.

Thank you.

- Tea. - Thanks.

Just going to ask, um... if I could borrow that jacket

that you used to wear?

The one that you said was a big mistake.

Sure.

- You all right. - Fine. Just resting.

You look... quite bad.

I think it just might be that it's quite dark in here.

You told Mum yet?

Do you think that maybe you should just... go to the doctor

or something?

Uh... no, I think I just need to sit down for a bit more.

Don't worry about me.

OK.

So, we finished our brunch,

then we just started going for it in the back of a car,

and it was so passionate.

It was like we'd gone back in a time machine.

Hugo? Can you get ready, now, please?

So, anyway, now Steve is back at home

and Hugo is really happy.

Just watching you all support each other

after all the terrible things that you've had to deal with,

it really helped put everything into perspective for us.

- Are you all right? - Yes, I just... slept badly.

So, well, that's why we wanted to take you out to dinner, basically --

to say thank you for being such an inspiration to us.

It only lasted about two-and-a-half minutes

and I'm pretty sure she didn't achieve climax.

I don't need to know the details, thank you.

Just because I'm in love with your wife,

it doesn't mean I can leap into your bed with her on a Friday night.

Please... anything I can do to make it up to you, just let me know.

I could build you a bigger, better writing shed.

That won't be necessary.

All right, then.

Punch me.

It's only fair. Go on.

Punch me in the face, as many times as you like, as hard as you can.

Please -- just once.

Covered in Satan's piss!

Look, I... I really, really want to make it up to you.

Maurice, I'm begging you.

Morning! Have you seen Barry anywhere?

He's in the cabin with your husband.

Said he needed to have a chat with him about something.

Oh. What about?

Oh, he said that he'd done something awful and that he deserved to die.

Oh! Sounds very melodramatic.

I'm sorry, Deborah. I couldn't keep it a secret.

I had to tell him the whole truth.

I refuse to take payment for a year.

I think you should just hit me over the head with that shovel.

Ryan, give her the shovel.

- Blabbermouth. - What's happened?

We committed the act of heavenly darkness.

We lay in sin.

Um... OK.

Dad?

Dad!

Oi! Joan of Arc...

What the hell?

- Did Dad lend you that jacket? - Mm-hm.

Unfair!

There's something wrong with Dad.

I think he's got cancer.

Hi, Maurice.

This fucking hat...

Ludicrous.

Did you perhaps have a chat with Barry this morning?

Maybe we should talk about that,

instead of playing with your father's magic stuff.

Can't you see that I've got more important things

on my mind right now?

Like what?

Like the fact that the Carrolls have just dropped Grubbs, for instance.

And there's all this stupid crap to sort through.

I hate magic. I hate it.

Well, Barbara has invited us out for dinner, to say thank you,

for being an inspiration to them,

so... well, we've got that to look forward to, at least.

Well, I don't want to go.

Great.

Well, I've told them that we are, so you have to.

That's very democratic, isn't it?

How are my two lovely children?

What are you both up to?

Oh, you've got make-up on.

Oh, it's very nice.

Excuse me. Mr Flowers.

Fuck off, Shun.

I have idea, Mr Flowers.

Very big shame Grubbs is cancel,

but Carol and Carroll very positive, some of my projects.

Please -- this is very simple traditional comic.

I think definitely success.

So, I've just spoken to your father, and we've got some bad news.

- They've dropped Grubbs. - What? - Is that why he's being so weird?

Probably. I can't think what else it would be?

- Have you asked him? - Hm?

Have you asked him if anything else is going on?

Course I have. Why? Has he said something to you?

So he has? Great secret-keeping.

Amy, what's he said?

Amy, we have to talk about this. It's very important.

- Where are you going? - It doesn't matter.

Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dee...

Super Flowers! Protect world from dangerous monster!

You write story, I draw picture.

Is this a joke?

We are team, Mr Flowers.

No. We're not a team, Shun.

You're just a person we hire to do the pictures.

No wonder I haven't been able to focus, when you're constantly farting about on other things,

most of which is basically porn.

- It's unbelievably distracting. - You unbelievably...

Then I discover you're buttering up the Carrolls behind my back

with these ridiculous cartoons of me and my family.

I gave you a job. I've given you a house, for heaven's sake.

Not house, Mr Flowers -- tiny office, very uncomfortable for sleeping.

You are always snore very loud, like big dinosaur.

Well, why don't you draw a picture of me as a dinosaur,

with a ten-foot penis and some breasts on my head?

Why you not tell truth, Mr Flowers?

You are stupid idiot,

everything complete muddle, all you fault.

I've been trying, Shun. It's just not very easy.

You are not easy.

Arrrggghhh!

(Donald?)

What's matter, Donald?

Donald, what's matter?

The cogs of my heart are all asunder.

Cogs of my heart all asunder...

Cogs of my...

Girl trouble?

Yeah.

Donald...

Donald, I have a very good advice for you, Donald.

Will make girl very happy.

Just give little tickle -- little, tiny tickle all over,

make girl very happy, Donald.

That's the weirdest advice I've ever heard.

What's wrong with you?

You've not even got a book to work on, now -- why don't you just leave?

I have plan, Donald. Everything will be happy.

No-one likes you.

We are friends, Donald.

We're not friends.

- Maurice! - I'm getting ready.

Why is Shun in the fucking car?

- Get out, Shun. - Good evening, Mrs Flowers. I will drive.

No, thank you, get out.

You must have a relax this evening, have a drink, Mrs Flowers.

- Get out! - I will...

OK, one second, for the seatbelt.

Oh, my gosh...!

Let go of the seatbelt!

Mrs Flowers, if you can have a conversation with your husband,

I think will be very big help.

Maybe have a little snifter, good mood...

Oh, it's my fault, is it?

I think if you are welcome him,

maybe conversation will be more simple.

Sometimes, maybe your manner is little bit terrify Mr Flowers...

Oh, you've got some nerve, mister, some nerve.

- Something need to happen. - I tell you what needs to happen --

you need to butt the hell out.

Very confused, Mrs Flowers.

So am I, Shun. So am I.

Can I get you anything to drink?

Uh... oh, I'll just have a pina colada or something.

- Pina colada? - Yeah, no. Um...

Can I just have a burger, then?

I'll have a pina colada.

Oh, yeah. Me too, then.

- And a burger. - Yeah, and a burger. And loads of condiments.

- Thank you! - Thank you.

Maurice?

Sorry, we're a little bit late.

I just thought I'd come and say hello.

Hello.

Steve, Hugo's dad.

- Oh. - Sorry. - Right.

- Oh -- couldn't pinch one of them, could I? - Sure.

Cheers, nice one.

Yeah.

It's nice to meet you, finally. I've heard so much about you,

through Barbara -- and Hugo.

He thinks you're great.

Yeah, he...

Well, he loves Grubbs.

I used to read it to him before bed, sometimes. I...

In a weird kind of a way, I kind of feel like I know you already.

Hm.

You don't.

- No. - You don't know me.

Yeah. No.

What?

No, nothing, just...

Yeah. Thank you. Very nice. Thank you.

You're hungry.

So, who's Penny, anyway?

That thing that you wrote, Penny's Passage,

is that an ex or something?

Mm... No. Penny died in the early sixth century.

- You not heard of her? - No.

No, I haven't.

So, there was this pagan ceremony called The Passage,

where if you wanted to marry a man from the neighbouring village,

they'd cut your hand,

so you could mingle your blood with the earth of your home.

And then they'd gift you a horse

and you'd ride it over this sacred bridge

and across the holy lake out of the forest.

And that was how they sent you on to your new life.

And you were allowed to have sex and have children and everything.

- I think I ran over that bridge! - Yeah!

So, because Penelope had Asperger's or something,

- she wasn't allowed to do The Passage. - Shit!

Even though she was in love with this blind boy called Barney

- from a village about four miles away. - Barney? - Yeah.

So anyway, this one night, there was a giant storm.

And Penny sneaked out to this pen where they kept these horses.

And basically, the horses were a bit freaked out by her

but there was this one horse,

it just seemed to quite like Penny.

So she sneaked it out of the pen,

and started riding it around the forest through the rain.

Like, basically doing The Passage.

She got so excited, she let out this strange biblical howl.

Which was stupid, because the whole tribe heard it,

and saw her belting it through the forest,

and were like, "She is not allowed on that horse, get her back!"

But she just kept going and going and she was faster than them.

So she galloped over the sacred bridge, across the lake,

and did the four miles through the mud all the way to Barney's hut.

And then they made love...

in the storm.

And it was amazing.

And then what happened?

And then... they hanged her. For being a witch.

But at least she fucking did it, you know?

Hey!

What are you doing?!

And having that time apart has really opened our minds.

And we're even thinking... I can't believe I'm telling you this,

but we're even thinking of trying a sort of more open relationship.

- Oh, yes? - Yeah, well, we both have people that we want to, um...

well, to be frank, have sex with. Apart from each other.

And since Steve's already spent a few nights with Miss Collins...

She's stunning, by the way, used to be a high-jumper.

.. I thought it would be fair for me

to have an equivalent experience with someone I like the look of.

Sounds very healthy.

Don't worry, we're not about to start propositioning you,

- that's not what this is about. - Hm. Great.

- Only thing is, we do have a rule. - Yeah.

Which is, we are not allowed to fall in love with anyone.

How can you have a rule not to fall in love?

- It's not a choice. - It's funny, we've been doing it for a while now,

- haven't we, Maurice? - Have you? Gosh, that makes me feel so much better.

You see? I told you it's not weird -- everyone's doing it.

In fact I slept with someone last night

and we haven't even talked about it yet, have we?

You all right there, Maurice?

Bit spicy for you? The food, I mean?

Who with, then? Go on.

- Barry. - R-r-really?

Mm. Yes. He was very sensitive. And very hairy.

What about you, then, Maurice?

I'll give you a clue. Um...

Sushi.

- Have you lost your mind? - No! The Japanese guy?

Not just an illustrator, is he, Maurice?

I think it's great, Maurice.

Here's to a bit of sideways.

A bit of sideways!

This is insane. Everything about this is insane.

We're surrounded by naked people

having dinner with complete strangers.

This spoon is the weirdest spoon I've ever seen in my life,

and this lamb, it's not even lamb, it's beef.

I think they just got the order wrong.

OK, let's just have a time-out.

Maybe we'll just get a few side dishes and just chill for a bit.

Yeah, that's a great idea, isn't it, Steve(?)

- These peas are lovely. - Mm, great.

Mmm. Nice, innit?

Delicious.

Oh, yeah, delicious, isn't it(?) More wine, please, waiter.

Don't get too close, though.

I might suddenly fuck you in front of my wife

because that's our arrangement.

So this is how you treat me now? After everything I've done for you,

you deliberately try and hurt my feelings?

Well, it's not very hard, is it?

I have a very strong emotional constitution, thank you very much.

Your eyebrows are stupid.

How dare you?!

I've been swimming in that pool all day waiting for you to come back.

- Now, pack your bags! We're leaving town. - Why?

- Because you're out of control. - I just went for a drink. - No.

I smell sex like a shark smells blood.

And you REEK of it!

It doesn't matter how silly you think the costumes are...

- That place was ludicrous. - .. you don't walk out on me...

- It was like a brothel that served food. - .. in front of our friends.

They're not friends. I won't sit there

- while you randomly accuse me of being gay... - Are you gay or not?

.. excusing the fact you committed brazen adultery

right under my nose and you don't seem to feel any guilt.

What do you mean?! You haven't even asked me.

- You're a thieving Sapphic demon! - No, no, no.

- .. all the way back from town! - No, Donald, no.

Either this succubus is sabotaging me or she is a Sideways Sally.

- Oh, yeah. - Donald, be quiet.

And she's blatantly in love with Abigail

because she's trying to steal her from me and I caught them

canoodling in the forest like a pair of heartless lesbians.

And here's the proof!

- Donald! - Don't you dare! - The proof is in the pudding, sister!

- You want a piece? You want a piece?! - OK! - Get up!

Get off me!

- Stop it! - Aaaargh! - Whoa! Whoa!

Well, guess what, I love her too.

And you can't always get everything you want just because you're insane!

Look, let's all just calm down here.

Whatever Amy is experiencing, that's her gift to share with us

- when she's ready. - Dad, what are you talking about?

- I already told you. - Yeah.

- But I thought it was a secret. - Well, it's not now, is it? - No.

So... Well, well done. Really well done, very brave.

- Don't clap it! Jesus. - Sorry. - Did everybody know apart from me?

Mum...

Why didn't you tell me?

Because.

- Because what? Why didn't you tell me? - I don't know.

Why did you tell him before me?

Don't take it personally, Deborah,

these things need to come out organically sometimes.

Maybe she didn't have an opportunity yet.

Well, thank you for the insight, Mr Perfect Dad.

Why are you suddenly so knowledgeable?!

- Because I can relate to her. - And why is that?

Is that because you're gay as well?!

- It's Shun, isn't it? He's your geisha, isn't he? - Yeah.

Yes, he is, yeah. He's my concubine, that's right.

- Yeah. - He's my illustrator!

AKA, he illustrates your dick. How about that?

- This is getting stupid now. - What do you mean, you can relate to her?

Because I find you very difficult to talk to sometimes.

- You just mumble and wander off... - I find you very difficult to talk to sometimes.

- So, would you fuck me if I dressed as a samurai? - I'm not gay!

Amy's gay.

I know Amy's gay and I'm very happy for her for being gay

but I'm not married to Amy, am I?

I don't know what the hell you think you're doing, but it's not helping.

Could you all just leave me alone for five minutes, please?

Did something go wrong...?

Oh, fuck off, fucking children!

Fuck off! Fuck's sake!

Whoo! Flower's family very angry with me.

Never mind. Challenge for Grubbs.

We must think idea for new adventure.

Make better for Mr Flowers.

You know English Bible.

If somebody punch you in the face,

turn you other face. Just punch you face again.

Jesus-san! He is teaching this, very wise.

Yes. You know, Grubbs, you probably understand how I feeling.

Carol and the Caroll not like you.

Flowers not like me. Doesn't matter.

Challenge! Let's go! Faster!

I'm so happy!

In the shoddiest cove, I'll envelop the rest

I feel awake enough to tell this

It was a seminal plan

A plan to pull you through...

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